Archive of Our Own ^beta

---

Miguel groaned as the car jolted, wheels catching on some little bump in the road that he was sure had been put there to spite him personally.

Robby’s compact car wasn’t really built to carry this many people – not when four out of five of them were varying levels of wasted and two of them couldn’t even sit straight – but they’d made do, with Tory claiming her rightful place shotgun next to her boyfriend while Miguel, Hawk and Sam were crushed together in the back. Each of Hawk’s shoulders was being used as a headrest by the two lightweights to either side of him who were a lot worse off than anyone else, but he’d accepted his fate with minimal grumbling and had spent most of the drive just trying to keep them both somewhat upright.

By the time they came to a smooth stop outside of the LaRusso home, Sam looked ready to fall asleep, but a sharp poke to her forehead from Hawk had her waking up quickly, if only to elbow him. Before Hawk could retaliate, she was already half-leaning, half-crawling across his lap in order to get to Miguel, pressing her hands to each side of his face and staring deeply into his eyes.

“I promise, it’s going to get better,” she said, words only a little bit slurred, “you’ll find someone else, I promise, I’ll call tomorrow to check on you, promise, just don’t cry because your eyes look really sad when you’re sad.”

Chuckling at her rapidly diminishing coherence, Miguel reached up to pat her arm gently. “Thanks, Sam, I’ll try not to cry.”

Giving him one last wobbly smile as she pulled away, she clambered awkwardly back across Hawk’s lap – the knee landing sharply in his stomach probably not intentional – and staggered out of Robby’s car, thanking him for the lift as she started heading for her front door where Anthony was already waiting, openly laughing at the state she was in.

Hawk sighed and reached across to pull the car door shut behind her when it became obvious that Sam wasn’t coming back to do it herself, but he didn’t move to steal her seat and give himself some more space, instead choosing to stay crushed against Miguel’s side. Miguel tried not to smile too obviously at that, just let his head drop back against his shoulder to stop the world from spinning as the car started up again and Robby drove to the next stop on their way home.

Despite Sam’s worries, he’d actually done a pretty good job of not crying tonight.

Which was impressive, considering that about fifteen hours ago he’d been dumped by his boyfriend of two years.

The alcohol had probably helped with that – even if he hadn’t actually drunk very much, not with everyone being so hypervigilant of him all night – being around friends had definitely helped more. Not enough that his thoughts hadn’t been constantly circling his last interaction with his boyfr- with Louis, but their presence had at least been a distraction that kept him from really drowning in those painful words that had stolen the future he’d thought they’d been building together.

‘I’m sorry, I just can’t do this anymore.’

He wouldn’t be surprised if Lou had chosen this day to end things specifically because he knew Miguel had plans to go out with friends later. It was exactly the kind of thing he’d do; find ways to soften the blow, ensure Miguel would be looked after by someone, even if it wasn’t by him. Because he still cared, even if…

‘I can’t keep looking after you like this, it’s too much.’

His head bounced lightly against Hawk’s shoulder as Robby pulled up outside Hawk’s apartment.

Perhaps he could use the mild pain of his skull knocking against a jutting bone as an excuse for why his eyes were watering.

Not that anyone commented on it. Robby and Tory weren’t really in the position to see anyway, but Eli might have noticed when he gently pushed Miguel to sit upright. His hand squeezed his shoulder and eyes stayed steady on his face for several seconds longer than necessary before he gave a weak smile and carefully pulled away.

Shuffling across the seats to exit the car, Hawk glanced over his shoulder to nod in Robby’s direction. “Thanks for the lift.”

But Robby didn’t even get partway through his cursory, “No problem,” before Miguel was falling across the seats to grab Hawk’s arm and halt his progress. He hadn’t meant to move quite that aggressively, but he’d nearly lost his balance and ended up gripping hard enough that he could feel the muscle shifting under his palm.

“Sorry,” he said, slowly, awkwardly pulling his hand back, trying to avoid the stares of Robby, Tory and Hawk, which didn’t leave him many places left to look. “I just…” He didn’t actually know why he’d stopped Hawk from leaving, but one excuse came to mind quickly enough. Flicking his eyes back across to meet Eli’s, he quietly asked, “Do you think I could crash at your place tonight?”

For an awful moment, Eli just kept staring at him, no flicker in his perfectly blank expression to hint at whatever thoughts might be going through his head. But, eventually, he gave a casual shrug and a familiar grin was back on his face. “Yeah, sure.”

“Thanks.” Already halfway out of the car, he nearly fell backwards in his attempt to duck his head back in and turn his attention briefly back onto Robby. “Um, can you-”

“I’ll tell your mom that you’re staying at Hawk’s tonight, but you’d better call her in the morning, you know how she gets.”

He smiled, eternally grateful for his step-brother’s ability to read his mind. “Thanks, Rob.”

Promising he would call his mom tomorrow, Miguel finished dragging himself to his feet, waving off Hawk’s smirking suggestion that he needed a shoulder to lean on to keep himself steady as they made their way to his apartment. It wasn’t like he’d drunk that much.

Hawk didn’t need to know how much concentration was going into exactly where each step was landing in order to keep his path reasonably straight.

By the time Eli was pushing his key into the lock, Miguel was already feeling more awake and aware anyway.

Distressingly so.

Which was probably why he let out a sigh of relief when – after collapsing into Hawk’s couch and curling into a corner with his eyes tightly shut – he heard a few clicks that sounded like gunshots in the night.

He squinted one eye open to glance at the two shot glasses placed on the coffee table, before his gaze drifted to the mostly-full bottle of clear liquid Hawk was also placing down. The scent of it hit his nose the second the cap was twisted off and it made him feel both sick and relieved all at once.

Vodka wasn’t usually his drink of choice, but it would get him drunk faster, which was the real goal tonight.

“Thanks,” he said quietly, reaching forward with a grunt to pour himself a shot and only hesitating for a few seconds to take a steadying breath before downing it.

“No prob, figured you were holding yourself back around the others.” Hawk shrugged as he copied the action, though far more smoothly than Miguel had managed. He’d already drunk more than Miguel at the bar but somehow he was still only lightly buzzed; life really wasn’t fair.

He laughed, though the sound didn’t have much joy to it, dropping his head over the back of the couch and closing his eyes as he waited for the shot to do its thing. “You know they would’ve cut me off if I had more than two beers.”

“Yeah, because you’re a lightweight,” Hawk said, snickering, “but if you wanna get shitfaced right now, I get it. I won’t stop you.”

“Suuuch a good friend.” He’d said it in a sarcastic tone, but it really was true. Hawk was probably the only person he would ever want to be around in this state, not only because he trusted that Hawk would be able to keep him from doing anything to accidentally hurt himself, but also because he trusted that he wouldn’t judge him for not wanting to think clearly for a while. “Just don’t wanna go home right now; it’ll worry Ma, she hates seeing me like this.”

Not that he imagined anyone would want to see him like this, wallowing in alcohol and his own depression like he was trying to give Johnny a run for his money.

No, that wasn’t fair. Johnny had really cut down on the drinking ever since he’d gotten his life back on track. He still sometimes slipped, had the occasional binge that shook the trust he’d managed to gain from his family – the newer additions of the Diaz’s, as well as Robby who’d had a lot longer to learn the patterns of his father’s alcoholism – but it happened much less often than it used to, and his lapses weren’t as severe when they did happen. It was progress and they were all proud of him for it.

Perhaps Miguel should’ve learned from that example never to resort to these tactics for avoiding his own hurt – he’d been the one to have to clean up after his mentor’s benders often enough – but, right now, drinking seemed the better option. Especially when the only alternative he could think of was just lying in bed sobbing for a week straight.

Or, hell, why not both? He could already feel his eyes stinging and breathing getting shakier and knew that the tears weren’t far off.

And apparently he wasn’t the only one who’d noticed.

“You shouldn’t let an asshole like him get to you,” Eli muttered, glaring into his empty glass rather than facing Miguel, even as he continued in a low voice, dripping with poorly withheld fury, “he doesn’t deserve it.”

Miguel couldn’t quite face his friend either, instead he continued to stare up at the ceiling, wishing his tears would either dry up or just burst their dams already and flow down his cheeks in messy rivers, because this limbo where he wasn’t sure how close to the edge of a complete breakdown he was felt like absolute hell. “We were together for two years, am I supposed to just forget all of that in a few hours?”

“I didn’t mean-” he sighed, clearly catching the frustration in his own voice. He must’ve decided to swallow it back, because when he tried again, it was much softer than Hawk usually allowed himself to be, “I get why you’re upset, but he was a piece of shit. If this was how he was gonna react to your injury flaring up, then he never deserved you in the first place.”

The clench in his stomach did nothing to help the growing unsteadiness in his own body, but it was as automatic a reaction as the words already spilling from his lips, “It’s not his fault, he tried to put up with it-”

“Put up with what? You’re the one actually living with the pain.”

He blinked several times before he managed to slowly turn his head, vision swimming just slightly as he locked eyes with Eli.

“All he had to do was support you.” Eli finished his statement much less aggressively than he’d started it, but his gaze remained steady, like he was daring Miguel to try and argue he was wrong.

Part of him wanted to just agree, call his ex an asshole and let himself be angry for the rest of the night. But, if he was going to get mad at Louis, he wanted it to be for the right reasons.

“He did support me, maybe too much.”

Eli was still staring at him, but now his expression was less determined and more frustrated, his brows pulling together tightly and lips twitching into a thin line that meant he was holding back his honest thoughts.

Fuck, he was still too sober for this. Leaning forward, he poured himself another shot, less hesitation in his movements this time. Though also less coordination, because he did spill a good glug of it on Eli’s coffee table. Not that his friend seemed to care.

It burned as it went down, making his voice rough when he spoke again, “When I started getting the flare-ups he was so careful with me, he’d always drop everything to look after me and went out of his way to learn about what help I might need-”

He hadn’t questioned it at the time, so terrified by the implications of his recovery regressing to a point he hadn’t felt since just after his initial surgery that he’d simply accepted the help gratefully, leaned heavily into that unwavering promise of solidarity as he relearned his own limits and how to navigate the world in a way that wouldn’t strain them. And Lou had never suggested that any of it was too much, he’d never blamed Miguel when plans had to be cancelled, would jump at the opportunity to help him out – usually without Miguel actually needing to ask – spent hours with him discussing the accommodations they could realistically make in their life together to ease his symptoms.

It was the picture of the perfect, supportive partner he’d not been sure actually existed in reality until experiencing all the ways Lou was willing to look after him.

Perhaps that had been what’d blinded him to the subtle signs that something deeper was wrong.

“-but then it got to this point where everything became about that, like worrying about my health was always the first thing he thought about and what I actually wanted from him came second, if he even listened to me at all-”

He was rambling now, words tumbling from him uncoordinated and without much input from his brain which was too busy replaying memories of Lou rushing to grab things for him, even when he’d been about to get up and get it himself and wouldn’t have struggled at all with it, or refusing to let Miguel help with chores, despite them always having agreed to share that responsibility, or how he’d gradually started cutting Miguel out of decisions about their life together.

Small things at first, like choosing to go to a closer restaurant because Miguel was in a little more pain than usual, even though Miguel had really been fancying that nice Thai place, even if it was a little further afield. Then he started not telling him about invites to parties, exciting date ideas he’d had, art projects and work opportunities he’d heard about that Miguel would’ve leapt at the chance to be involved in, because he was worried Miguel wouldn’t be able to keep up and thought it’d be best for him to not even know the option was there in the first place. And, by the time he found out about that, Louis had progressed to making bigger decisions about their life for him, ‘surprising’ Miguel when he announced one day that he’d found them a new apartment, in a more convenient location, more space, with better accessibility for Miguel and they would be moving in within the week.

It wasn’t that he was upset about the move itself – the apartment was legitimately better in every conceivable aspect than their old one and he’d quickly come to love their new home – but he hadn’t been given any fucking say in it, hadn’t even known Lou was looking until he’d already signed the lease.

Did his opinion on the home they were going to be sharing mean so little that Louis hadn’t even bothered asking what he would look for in an apartment? Hadn’t thought to get Miguel to at least help him look through property listings?

As if chronic pain somehow made him incapable of having any input on a pretty major life decision.

And the worst part was that he couldn’t even get mad about it, because it was an objectively nice thing Lou had done and he’d done it specifically to make Miguel’s life easier. Even now that they were breaking up, Lou had said he could stay, he’d take the couch, he’d stay out of Miguel’s way until he found another place, he even offered to help transfer the lease to Miguel’s name, but the thought of living alone in that place which had been theirs for almost a full year was nauseating.

His vision blurred as tears threatened him again and he closed his eyes tightly against the stinging feeling. “God, it was like I stopped being an actual person and just became this- this fucking… thing he had to look after.”

“He was an ass, you’re better off without him.” The growl in Eli’s voice wasn’t unexpected – he’d sounded even worse when Miguel had first explained the reason for the breakup back at the bar, he’d been on the verge of screaming at their other friends while they were all trying to get him to stay put instead of running off to beat the shit out of Louis there and then – but it still surprised him just how much he was being affected by all this. “He’s the one who chose to take on responsibilities you didn’t ask him to, and then when it burned him out he blamed you for it? It’s fucking bullshit, everything that happened was all on him.”

It was a nice sentiment, but Miguel wasn’t sure how much he believed it. “I just wanted him to be there on the really bad days, that’s all,” he said in a choked whisper, trying to force the air through a throat that was burning and rapidly closing up, “but… maybe that was still too mu-”

“No-” a hand dug harshly into his shoulder, finally coaxing him to open his eyes again, blinking until his swimming vision finally settled into the image of his best friend staring hard at him, a grim, but sympathetic expression pinning him down “-that was the bare minimum.”

He only got a second to appreciate the unobstructed view of Eli’s determined blue eyes before the watering started up again and this time he knew there was no holding it back.

Eli made a surprised little noise when Miguel basically fell into his side, head buried in his shoulder to hide himself, even though he knew he’d be able to feel the tears soaking through his t-shirt. He didn’t even know why he’d collapsed into his friend, only knew that Eli was there, warm and solid and feeling far more stable than the rest of the world right now.

But, even if he’d been surprised by the move, Eli recovered well, sighing as he awkwardly shuffled his arm out from under Miguel’s dead weight so he could wrap it around his back instead, holding him in a loose half-embrace. He even leaned his head into Miguel’s a little.

“I know it sucks,” he mumbled into Miguel’s hair, arm briefly squeezing tighter around him, “sorry I’m not very good at this.”

Even with the tears clogging up his throat, he managed to chuckle, smiling into Hawk’s shoulder. “You’re doing fine.”

Because maybe this was all he needed right now; someone to hold him and tell him it sucked and let him cry without drawing attention to it. It was embarrassing that Hawk was the one he’d broken down in front of, but he was also glad that they had the kind of relationship where he could be so openly emotional and wouldn’t be pushed away for it, even if Eli didn’t always know how to deal with feelings – both other people’s and his own.

Miguel had no idea how long they sat like that, in relative silence except for his own muffled sniffles and Eli’s steady, comforting breathing, but eventually the tears began to dry, leaving his face feeling crusty and awful. Maybe that was why he stayed exactly where he was, face buried in Eli’s bony shoulder long after he’d settled down.

When he felt the body he was leaning into begin to shift, he worried that Eli was about to push him away and play off their soft moment with a joke.

Instead Hawk just wrapped his arm a little more around Miguel’s shoulders, the tips of his fingers gently stroking against his arm. “Look, I don’t really know what to say to make you feel better, but if you wanna vent then I can listen.”

“I don’t know that I have much to vent about,” he said with a soft snort, lifting his head just enough that he could speak and breathe a little clearer without losing his position.

“You keep trying to defend him but I bet he did plenty to piss you off-” a finger jabbed harder into Miguel’s upper arm, needling at him just as much as Hawk’s laughed words “-c’mon, just start listing everything you’ll be glad to be rid of. The really petty shit.”

He sighed, pressing his face back into Eli’s shoulder as he thought.

The trouble was, there weren’t that many things that annoyed him about his relationship with Louis. Granted the few things that did were fairly big issues – the coddling and overprotectiveness – but outside of that the thing that had always annoyed him the most was that Louis avoided conflict like the plague. Whether the issue was big or small, he never wanted to discuss it, or even directly address it if he could get away with it. Even the breakup he’d tried to soften as much as possible, which only made Miguel feel worse for shouting at him in response – because it he hadn’t shouted he would’ve started crying – while Lou just sat there and took it without complaint.

But he didn’t want to keep thinking about that.

Reluctantly pushing himself out from under Hawk’s arm to pour himself another shot, he had to really focus on keeping the heavy bottle steady and still managed to get only a drop of liquid in the glass. Not bothering to make a second attempt, he shrugged and downed what little was in there – he didn’t exactly need much more at this point anyway – before falling gracelessly back into Hawk’s side, making him grunt when he landed half-on, half-off his best friend’s chest.

“I dunno… guess it’ll be nice not having to pretend to enjoy those green smoothies he always makes for breakfast?”

“Always knew he was a pretentious asshole,” Hawk said, doing absolutely nothing to hide his wide smirk, “keep going.”

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes only because attempting it made him feel like the world had rotated ninety degrees and not brought him along for the ride, Miguel scoured his brain for more minor irritations. “Not gonna miss him making theories about what’s going on less than five minutes into a film. Or how s-ser-” he had to stop for a moment to reset a mouth that suddenly refused to cooperate with him “-seriously he’d take my teasing sometimes.”

“What the fuck did you see in this guy in the first place?”

It wasn’t until he felt his head hit Eli’s neck that he realised he’d been gradually tilting, but if Eli was going to just sit there and make no move to shove him off, then Miguel didn’t see any reason to back away. Staring blankly at the blurred view of Hawk’s apartment, he pondered on his words.

There had always been a lot to like about Lou.

He was sweet, funny, intelligent, cared so damn much – ultimately too much to endure. Even with the problems in the relationship, he’d never considered ending things himself, he’d been in it for the long-haul, just like he had been with Sam.

Jesus, this was not the time to be thinking about that either.

“Anything else that annoyed you?” Luckily, Hawk was there to offer a distraction.

“Only… disability stuff,” Miguel said slowly, words beginning to trip unsteadily from his tongue, “doin’ stuff for me without asking, babying me.”

Eli’s body felt hot enough to burn, yet he kept leaning heavily into it, stealing all the heat he could, feeling it settling in his cheeks, across his neck, even lower in his belly. It was impossible to ignore the way Eli’s fingers were still tracing absentminded patterns into his arm and Miguel almost found himself resenting his own shirt protecting him from that intense touch, because if he could feel Eli’s skin against his he definitely would’ve been shivering from it.

Was it bad that he was reacting so much to touches that were meant to be innocent? Probably. But right now he wanted to dive into this soft, hazy space where the sharp edge of his hurt was blunted, even if he could still feel the pressure of it digging into him, knew that once he woke up he would find he was still bleeding, had been bleeding the entire time.

But at this moment, he was safe, if not entirely comfortable.

Still pretty damn comfortable though.

Comfortable enough that it didn’t seem like a stupid idea to keep talking. “Y’know we barely even had sex for the last six months ‘cause he thought I was too weak for it? Any time I tried to in-initi-inta-” he frowned as the word danced out of his grasp and most of his brain was so focused on finding an alternate route to his destination that he only vaguely noticed the way Hawk had stopped breathing “-whenever I tried to start something he’d brush me off, even when I was doing fine, like he was w’rried it was gonna break my back or something.”

The hand that had been gently caressing him had frozen and it wasn’t until Miguel noticed it that he began to wonder if he’d crossed a line there.

Had they ever talked about sex before? Perhaps a few times when they were younger – back when Hawk had still been in his try-hard alpha-male phase and Miguel would blush brighter than that red mohawk at even the implication that there was a third base – but never very seriously and Miguel was usually so embarrassed by those topics that he’d change the subject immediately.

Perhaps it had been a bad idea to talk about this when they were borderline cuddling.

He opened his mouth, ready to laugh off the topic and make a joke about Hawk not needing to panic, he wasn’t about to start describing the gay sex acts he may or may not have been engaging in, until the arm around him tightened, pulling Miguel further into Eli’s side.

“You’re not weak.”

Oh. Oh, that was actually kind of sweet.

Smiling, even as he felt the prickling in his eyes that meant he was on the verge of breaking again, he let out a shaky sigh. “How many people’re actually gonna believe that?”

Because he knew how it was. People saw him using the crutches, the chair, stuck in bed barely able to move, and they stopped seeing him screaming beneath it all.

“I believe it.”

Except for Eli.

Eli had always believed in him; oftentimes more than Miguel himself had.

He wanted to feel that belief now. Have it poured directly into his bones, reinforcing the faith in himself that had been shattered by Louis earlier that day. It had been so long since he’d last felt truly strong, but Hawk had always been able to push him to that point.

“…Prove it.”

“Wha-”

The thought that he wanted to crawl into Hawk’s lap had briefly crossed his mind.

So he did.

And now he was blinking down at his best friend, hands pressed against his chest – when had he put them there? – feeling the way rapid breaths made his ribs expand, while the hips shifting under him made him need to lean even harder into Hawk before he fell over. Pressing his face into a lean shoulder, he whined as he waited for the room to stop spinning, breathing in lungfulls of that delicate, woody cologne Eli used.

It did nothing to settle him, only made heat pool deeper in his gut.

“Prove ’m not weak, please,” he begged, words thick on his tongue and slurring together. Swallowing back that heavy feeling, he tried to force his body to cooperate with him when he spoke again, probably overcorrecting with his careful enunciation, but he needed Eli to understand what he was asking. “Prove that you believe I’m not weak.”

A shaking hand settled lightly against his side; barely any pressure at all, but it had Miguel pushing his forehead even harder into Hawk’s shoulder, his hands sliding a little further down his chest, fingers weakly digging into the smooth fabric of his shirt.

He could hear how Eli swallowed, felt the hand twitch against his ribs. “You’re drunk, Miguel.”

“So’re you.” Not nearly as far gone as Miguel was, but far enough that he wasn’t immediately putting a stop to this as Miguel shifted against him, pressing their bodies closer together. “Please.”

“Fuck-”

“I- I don’t wanna keep feeling like this,” he mumbled, before hissing at the wetness building in his eyes. “Please-” not wanting Eli to see his tears, he turned to bury his face in his neck, lips parting on instinct so he could suck at the pulse thudding against them “-just for tonight. Don’t wanna be alone-” his tongue darted out to taste the salt on Eli’s skin, moaning softly as he traced the drop of sweat further up, pressing a kiss against the underside of his jaw “-plea-”

Hawk’s hand wasn’t lightly resting at his side anymore. It was gripping like he needed the same kind of stability Miguel did.

It was hard to focus on that though, what with the way Hawk’s other hand had dug into his hair and was pulling him up to meet his lips.

Miguel inhaled sharply through his nose, the harsh scent of vodka flooding his mouth as he gasped into the kiss, an eager tongue slipping in at the unintentional invitation. Suddenly he was feeling off-balance and seconds from toppling all over again, but he was pretty sure the alcohol didn’t have much to do with it this time.

Still though, probably best to press his body even harder into the one beneath him, just to keep himself upright.

His hands were still clutching at Eli’s chest, fingers twitching every time that sly tongue briefly darted into his mouth, kneading at firm flesh like a cat while Eli’s arm tightened around his back, tugging at his shirt until it lifted enough for him to brush his cool fingers over the burning skin of Miguel’s waist.

And all the while their lips crushed together, separating for only brief seconds to catch the occasional breath before diving back in, starving and frantic and barely any coordination between them.

God, it was exciting.

For the first time in months, possibly years, Miguel felt like the same person who’d once marched into karate tournaments with the desire and confidence to win.

And Hawk was right there with him as he always had been, absolutely sure that Miguel could handle anything that was thrown at him. He could take being pulled further onto his lap, hands rough and demanding as they dug into flesh, he wasn’t so weak he couldn’t handle lips trailing along his jaw, down to his neck, teeth scraping against skin without hesitation. He didn’t need to be protected from pleasure, he needed to be shown it, so he could remember what it felt like to have someone actually see him as the person he was and not the image of a perfect victim who had to be shielded from the world.

He just needed to remember what it felt like to be touched with desire and not fear.

There was absolutely no fear in Hawk’s hands as they burrowed their way under his top, sliding up to burn against his skin, then continuing higher, dragging sweat-damp fabric with them before he switched focus to tangling with the buttons keeping his shirt closed with rough movements that threatened to rip something. Miguel whined as he was forced to detach from Hawk’s lips so his shirt could be pushed off and the cool air against his skin made him shiver and sway as he tried to find his stability again.

Hawk latching his mouth onto his neck did nothing to help him in that task.

“God, fuck, Hawk-”

He quickly stopped trying to string together a sentence, because it clearly wasn’t working out for him, and just let himself fall into the feeling of lips sucking harshly against his skin, teeth biting just hard enough that he could feel the ghost of them even after Hawk moved on somewhere new, a tongue tracing down to his collarbone with teasing little licks that left Miguel gasping with the desire to feel that mouth exploring every part of his body.

Unable to resist the urge to reciprocate, he shoved Eli back into the couch, enough to give himself room to sneak his fingers under the hem of his loose t-shirt and yank it up and over his head, knocking the casual – at least for Hawk – fanned mohawk out of its perfect alignment as he did.

The sight of Hawk’s chest was hardly a new one for him, but in this situation, being this close, being able to run his hands reverently over tattoos that had long fascinated him…

He leaned down, sucking at his jaw, his neck, kissing lower and lower until his lips brushed the edge of ink, but, before he could get too invested in tracing along those lines with his tongue, he found his world lurching wildly again. The ground disappeared beneath him and he wrapped himself tighter around Eli just for the stability of having one fixed point to cling to.

It was only when he felt arms wrapping under his legs and hoisting him a little higher up that he realised the reason Eli was the only thing he could feel anymore was because he’d picked him up and thus he literally was the only thing he had left to hold onto.

The walk was more than a little unsteady, but he refused to let go of Hawk and Hawk didn’t even attempt to put him down, easily carrying him through his small apartment, hands clenched tight against him as he kicked open a door that could only lead to one place.

Miguel’s head bounced and his vision swum for a second as he was dropped onto the mattress and Hawk’s chest was heaving as he crawled to hover above him, eyes unusually dark thanks to the combination of low lighting and clear arousal. But instead of leaping straight into action like Miguel had been expecting, Hawk just stared down at him, mouth hanging open, but no words coming out, hands trembling against Miguel’s thighs, but not moving any closer to where Miguel really wanted them.

Honestly, underneath the horny excitement, he looked a little nervous.

Had he ever slept with another man before?

The thought should’ve passed across Miguel’s mind long before this point, but, now that it had, he couldn’t un-think it. He was pretty sure Hawk had only ever been with women before, he’d certainly never said anything about being interested in guys and if he had ever experimented he’d kept it tightly under wraps. Sure, he’d been very eager with the making out, but alcohol and low impulse control could carry someone quite far; it was a little different once you had someone laid out beneath you on the bed.

Was he hesitating now because he didn’t know what to do, or because he was starting to realise that he couldn’t go through with this?

“Haw-ahh~”

Ok. Hawk apparently didn’t have any reservations about fucking a man.

He thrust up into the hand fondling him through his constrictive jeans; the touch was muted and imperfect but also more intense than any he’d received from another person in months. He wanted more. He wanted skin on skin, he wanted sweat and heat and to be fucked so hard he forgot Louis’ name and the concerned expression on his face as he had pushed Miguel away, over and over and ov-

Miguel’s arms snapped up to wrap behind Eli’s neck, dragging him down into a rough kiss before he could decide Miguel couldn’t handle this and stopped.

One night. Just one night of not being treated like he was going to break. It was all he wanted.

He groaned as Eli’s still-fondling hand finally managed to work the fastenings of his jeans enough to release some of the pressure on Miguel’s cock, fingers lightly brushing against him as he started to push the rough fabric down his legs whilst not breaking their kiss. It didn’t work very well and he could feel the frustration building in his friend as his teeth started to get more involved, nibbling at Miguel’s lips just a bit sharper than necessary.

Content that Hawk was in too deep to try and stop this now, Miguel unhooked his arms from his neck – grinning when, instead of taking the opportunity to escape, Hawk only tilted his head to deepen the angle of their kiss – and decided to help him, lifting his hips until they could both manage to work together with poorly coordinated movements to slide his jeans off.

Eli had to break their kiss to get them completely out of the way, but the way he sat back on his heels and stared down at Miguel, hands teasing at the hem of his boxers, was an acceptable trade off, even before he let out a groan and leaned forwards again, lips burning again Miguel’s ear as he whispered, “Are we gonna need lube?”

He whined at the implication of just how far Eli was willing to go. “Yeah.”

The growl rumbled through Eli’s chest; Miguel could feel it where they were pressed so tightly together. He didn’t get to bask in that feeling for very long, however, before Hawk was clambering off him, off the bed entirely and making a beeline towards his dresser to dig urgently through drawers of clattering bottles and rattling tins. And the whole time his other hand was distractedly trying to unbutton his own jeans and shove them down with limited success.

…Cute.

Miguel blinked, still staring at Hawk’s back, wondering where the fuck that thought had come from. It wasn’t like he’d never noticed that his best friend was kinda hot – his proclivity for going shirtless had wreaked a special kind of havoc on Miguel’s burgeoning bisexuality when they were teenagers – but cute was new.

Not wrong though, he couldn’t help thinking, as he watched Eli finally locate the bottle he’d been looking for with a tiny noise of triumph. Then he immediately got frustrated enough with his pants that he swore under his breath as he focused entirely on getting them to drop further than his hips and his underwear along with them.

When he turned back around ‘cute’ was the last word Miguel would ever use to describe the look on his face.

His breath hitched as Eli marched back over, brows furrowed lightly and eyes fixed hungrily on Miguel. Every line of his body, every movement was sharp and already had Miguel’s pulse accelerating until he felt light-headed and breathless with pure lust, even before Hawk was sliding back onto the bed, bottle of lube clenched tightly in a trembling hand as he stared down at him.

Hesitating again.

No, don’t stop, please, not now, I need this, I need y-

Miguel’s hands were tugging at Hawk’s arms before he even realised he’d been reaching up to grab them.

Fighting against Eli’s instinctual resistance, he pulled until he was knocked off-balance and used his weight to throw Eli down onto the mattress, a huff of air pushed from his lungs as he landed. Letting his own unrestrained impulses guide him, Miguel clambered over him until he could settle between his legs, lips lightly caressing the hard cock in front of him as his hand wrapped gently around its base.

Wanting to grin at how shuddery Hawk’s breaths were getting, he opened his mouth wide, already salivating at just the thick, heady scent of him before he licked shamelessly up his length.

“F-fuck~”

Moaning himself at Hawk’s broken gasp, Miguel threw all caution – and foreplay – to the wind and leaned forward to wrap his lips fully around his dick, pushing himself down as far as he could without gagging.

“Ah!” Eli’s hips rose off the bed, almost choking Miguel and all he could do was whine as he let it happen. It probably wasn’t intentional on Eli’s part, he heard a tiny, weak, “You good?” muttered in-between groans in a breathless kind of apology, but God it felt good to have someone giving him that rough treatment he’d been missing.

It still wasn’t enough though. He wanted to be ruined so hard that he forget anyone had ever treated him like a porcelain doll that should be locked in a display case and never touched in the first place.

Laving his tongue against Hawk’s cock as he sucked him deeper into his mouth and lightly massaged his balls, Miguel reached his other hand up to tug the lube out of Hawk’s trembling grip, though he refused to stop working his mouth as he did. Eventually he managed to release the fingers grasping the bottle so that he could pull it back down towards himself, fiddling blindly with the cap to get the stuff open.

Eli’s breath hitched enough to make Miguel open his eyes and look up at him questioningly, just in time to see the nerves reappear in Eli’s expression. “What’re yo-”

Not wanting to give him a second to worry about what was happening, Miguel sucked harder against him until Eli’s head dropped back against the pillows with a moan loud enough to wake the neighbours and – while he was distracted – awkwardly coated his fingers one-handed until he’d made a mess that would hopefully be enough to make this next part easier.

He pushed his underwear off as much as possible whilst bowed down between Hawk’s legs and wasted no time slipping his fingers down his crack until he found his target.

“Oh, shit,” Eli murmured, watching with wide eyes as Miguel pressed the first finger inside himself, gasping around Eli’s cock at the feeling.

God, it’d been so long since he’d done this – at least with the promise of actually getting fucked afterwards – and he could feel it in how his tense muscles were resisting him more than usual, not painfully tight, but slowing the pace he wanted to go at. He wanted to get this bit over with fast, wanted to get Eli inside him already, but there was a part of him that was desperately clinging to what little rationality he had left. And even that probably would’ve been outvoted if it weren’t for the way those dark blue eyes were taking in the sight before them with such obvious interest.

If Eli was into it, he could stand taking his time with the necessary prep.

Trying to split his focus between keeping his tongue and lips moving against Hawk’s cock and keeping his fingers thrusting and stretching as fast as he could cope with already had him at the limits of his focus, however, so eventually something was bound to slip. Mostly his breathing, as he felt his lungs twitching around the inhale he’d forgotten to release until his body finally ousted control of itself and he was forced to pull away before he actually choked.

Still though, he couldn’t bring himself to stray too far, rubbing the bridge of his nose against Hawk’s shaft as he gasped breathlessly, sucking in the scent of sweat and skin through his mouth, only enhancing the musky taste of pre-come still coating his tongue.

He wanted more of that taste. Tilting his head up, he pressed an open-mouthed kiss to the side of Hawk’s cock, lapping against him with little kitten-licks that had Eli groaning in frustration. His other hand kept moving, however, even managing to slip a second finger inside himself now that he had less to distract him. The moan he let out as he brushed against that most sensitive spot inside him must’ve vibrated against Eli’s dick very pleasantly, because his hand snapped down to bury itself in Miguel’s hair, fingers twitching lightly, urging him to press even closer.

Miguel obliged him by sucking against his salty skin, before trailing his lips lower, pressing kisses as he went, until he could lick teasingly against his balls, soft skin yielding easily to his touch and Eli’s breaths stuttering when he sucked one into his mouth.

The hand in his hair tightened, tugging at the roots just hard enough to make his skin tingle with that special kind of pleasure-pain he so loved.

Then it started to pull, dragging Miguel’s head back up again until his lips were brushing the head of Eli’s dick, silently telling him exactly where he wanted him. Perhaps it was the alcohol still drowning out his common sense, but he couldn’t help but laugh a little at the desperation on display, even if it only made Eli growl and grip his curls harder.

He wanted to feel what it would be like when it was Hawk inside him and not his own fingers straining to reach the places that he knew would give him the most pleasure. Gasping, Miguel pushed deeper, splaying his two fingers apart, moaning at the intense stretch while simultaneously wishing for even more, wanting to feel the thickness and heat of Hawk’s cock pounding into him so much better than he could do for himself.

And clearly Hawk was getting impatient as well, because he’d gone from simply holding Miguel’s head in the ideal position to go back to sucking him off, to lifting his hips in jerking little movements that had his cock tapping lightly against Miguel’s lips in an effort to force the issue.

Laughing again – though it turned into a gasp when Eli’s grip tightened again – Miguel decided to show him some pity.

Not that he was at all disappointed to be wrapping his lips back around his dick, sliding easily down his length, guided by the hand pressing gently on the back of his head.

Moaning around him, he let Hawk decide how fast and how deep he went, trying to focus once again on himself, reluctantly pulling his fingers out of his ass so he could find the lube. He was sure it hadn’t taken this long to prep himself since he’d first started having anal semi-regularly; had it really been that long since he’d done this?

Well, he wasn’t about to waste this chance to remind himself exactly how much he enjoyed it.

The lube was a cold shock against his fingers as he finally managed to manoeuvre the bottle into a position to squeeze some out – not an easy task one-handed and without looking, but making it easier would require pulling his face out of Hawk’s crotch which was absolutely not an option – and he still probably got more on the sheets than his hand, but right now he didn’t care. Hawk could get mad at him for making a mess later. Actually, given the mess he just knew Hawk was soon going to be making of him soon enough, they could just call it even.

Just the thought of it already had a low purr rumbling down his throat.

“Ah, shit!” Eli’s hips jerked up, his hand digging in tight for a second before he realised what he was doing and loosened his grip, hovering it carefully above his head so that his palm only lightly brushed the ends of dishevelled curls. “Miguel, I’m gonna come.”

Miguel whined around his cock, desire flooding through him.

He wanted Eli to come. He wanted to taste him, wanted to drink him down and then lick him clean.

But…

He was already half stretched open, hungry and aching. He wanted Eli’s cock in him, wanted to feel everything, wanted to prove to Louis’ doubting words still rattling around in his head that he could take it, he wasn’t weak, his pain didn’t mean he had to completely cut himself off from pleasure and fun.

Mostly though, he just wanted Eli.

This probably wasn’t going to happen again, so, if this was going to be the first and last time they ever slept together, he intended to make the most of it.

Reluctantly pulling away from his cock, tongue dragging along his shaft just to memorise his taste, Miguel had to take a few sharp breaths just to steady himself against Hawk’s groan of frustration.

Eli’s dick twitched as he placed a soft goodbye kiss to the head of it, before crawling up his body to sit on top of his stomach. His legs trembled as he returned his fingers to his entrance, along with a third, hissing at the wonderful stretch of too-tight muscle, desperate to get Eli inside him as soon as possible. “S’rry,” he mumbled, his free hand splaying out across the hard chest below him to keep himself balanced, “just a bit longer, please, I need this.”

“Fuck, Miguel~”

“Please,” he repeated, locking eyes with him as he splayed his fingers wider, trying to judge how much more he would need to be able to take Eli fully while being hopelessly distracted by the pure hunger in that sharp gaze. “I need it.”

I need you.

The thought came unexpectedly, spending a few lingering seconds in the forefront of his mind, making him hesitate for a moment, staring down at Eli like he was seeing him for the first time again.

Then Hawk’s fingers dug tightly into his thighs and Miguel’s mind went blank of anything except lust.

His body complained a little as he pushed deeper into himself, not painful, just an unexpected stretch it hadn’t been ready for, but he kept his fingers moving, scissoring them apart to speed things up, rocking in place, grinding his untouched cock against Hawk’s stomach just to get some sensation. And, the entire time, the hands on his legs stayed tight and grounding, helping him keep his balance as he moved, thumbs brushing teasingly across his skin.

What would those hands feel like on other parts of his body? They already felt so good rubbing across his hips, digging into his hair, but what would it be like to have them stroking his cock, pressing into him deeper than Miguel could himself? How would Eli caress his back, play with his fingers, wrap himself around Miguel like a second skin?

Unable to wait even a second longer to start getting the answers to those questions, Miguel dragged his fingers out, groaning at the empty feeling he was left with, though he didn’t intend to endure it for long.

Shuffling back until he felt firm flesh poking against his ass, he rubbed on it teasingly, lifting his hips enough that he would simply be able to dro-

“Hold up, fuck,” Eli groaned, his grip on Miguel’s hips yanking him to sit further up his stomach and away from his target in a way that left him whining. “At least let me get a condom on,” he said, already reaching across the bed to find one on the end table.

Miguel behaved himself and stayed put instead of trying to sit on his dick while he was distracted like he really wanted to, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t lean down to attach his lips to the spot just below Hawk’s ear, licking against his smooth skin. He grinned at the curse slipping from Eli’s lips as he finally found a condom and ripped it open fast enough that he wouldn't be surprised if it tore the thin plastic slightly. Not that Miguel particularly cared either way right now, he was more than ready to go bareback if it came to it – and honestly at this point if either of them had an STI then the blowjob had probably been enough to pass it on – but it kinda defeated the purpose of wasting precious seconds getting the condom in the first place if Eli was going to damage it in his haste.

“Ok, I’m ready, hurry up.” His hands were already back on Miguel’s hips, guiding him back into position, urging him down, just as desperate for release as Miguel was.

His lips stung where he was biting down on them so hard, but Miguel didn’t care, any pain was overwhelmed by the feeling of Eli’s cock pushing slowly inside him, stretching and stroking against the most intimate parts of him.

Gasping as he finally dropped those last two inches, Miguel took a few moments to just sit there, refamiliarizing himself with this feeling of fullness. Even Eli seemed to need time to adjust, his fingers gripping so tightly into his thighs that Miguel could see the indents in his flesh, and his breaths were coming out short and sharp, like they used to during training when he was really pushing his limits and fighting to keep his body under complete control.

That he’d driven Eli to that point with this was strangely exciting.

Wanting to push him even close to the edge, Miguel wriggled in place, still with Hawk buried deeply inside him, rolling his hips in tight little circles just so he could watch the rigid tension in that clenched jaw relax into a loud, guttural groan.

But, as good as that felt, Miguel was still starving for more.

Pressing both hands across Hawk’s chest – the fingers of his right hand drawing over the stark black lines of the flower decorating Hawk’s left pec, while his left hand followed the path of falling feathers trailing down his right side – he settled himself into a better position, so that he could raise himself up, sighing at the drag of that hard cock leaving him, then plunge down with a low moan as he let gravity do half the fucking for him.

It was wild and unrestrained and so, so good. Just being able to actually fuck someone who wasn’t trying to push him off ‘for his own safety’ like Lou always ha-

Gritting his teeth, he raised himself up again, hovering until his legs shook from the strain and Hawk started growling in frustration below him. Then he dropped, hard, fast, the force of Hawk’s cock slamming back into him enough to make him quiver as he landed, panting harshly and blinking away the prickling wetness gathering at the corners of his eyes.

He didn’t want to think about Louis. He wanted to enjoy this ride for as long as it lasted, prove to himself as much as anyone else that he was still allowed to have this. He was more than just his pain.

He wasn’t a fucking child who needed to be protected from himself.

Increasing the pace of his bouncing, Miguel leaned back a little, still pressing into Eli’s hard stomach for balance, but also giving him a bit of a show by rolling his hips in smooth, teasing waves and circles.

A show that his friend was drinking in with wide, wild eyes.

Honestly, all Eli had to do was lie back and enjoy, Miguel would’ve been fine with that, but Eli had never been one to be satisfied with passivity.

Hands – burning hot and almost as rough and callused as Miguel’s own – danced across his body, like Eli wanted to touch him everywhere all at once and couldn’t decide where to start. They squeezed at his thighs before drifting up, curling around his hips, sliding back to squeeze at his ass hard enough to make him whine. Then fingers slowly glided further up, lightly tracing the dip of his spine with a barely-there touch that had Miguel shivering.

He always felt uncomfortable with people touching his back. Not because it hurt, necessarily – though it often did – but because so often it brought back memories of being stuck in hospital, of having strangers gathered around him, poking and prodding and writing their little fucking notes on their stupid fucking clipboards, talking about him like he was a puzzle to be solved and not a terrified teenager wishing he could scream at them to at least take their discussion outside where he wouldn’t have to hear it. But Eli’s touch was so gentle, his eyes intense on Miguel’s face, like he was searching for the first sign of discomfort.

It felt good.

He’d forgotten that this part of his body was capable of anything except pain, but the soft caresses of rough fingers against him was almost enough to make him sob.

Perhaps Eli saw something of that in his expression and misunderstood, because he carefully pulled his hands away from his spine, keeping his palms flat against Miguel’s skin as he curved them around his ribs and up his chest, squeezing at firm flesh. He was tempted to tell Eli he could go back to touching his back, he didn’t mind, he’d actually really enjoyed it; his mouth was already open from the groan he’d been letting out as he’d been lifting himself up again anyway, the words were balancing on the tip of his tongue.

Then Hawk thrust up at the same time as Miguel dropped down and any disappointment he had been feeling was completely forgotten.

The cry he let out made his entire face flush with heat, but Hawk was grinning up at him and thrust up again, his dick stroking against that spot inside him that made Miguel let out the same noise again.

“You like it that much?” he asked with a low chuckle that Miguel swore he could feel in his chest.

He tried to answer, he really did, but he’d had a taste of what he’d been denied for months now and he wasn’t about to let it slip from his grasp before he’d had a chance to really enjoy it. So instead of speaking, he just nodded enthusiastically as he kept bouncing in Eli’s lap, trying to find that speed and angle that he needed. Only when he was panting and crying out with every third thrust did he find the words finally spilling from him, breathless and disjointed and barely comprehensible, “Missed this, God, so good.”

Hawk let out an unexpected little growl with his next thrust, but Miguel was feeling too dizzy to think too hard on what it meant, or what that tight glare on his face meant when his hands dropped back to Miguel’s thighs, gripping hard enough to bruise as he helped him keep moving on his cock.

The assistance was very much appreciated, because Miguel was finding it harder to keep his pace; the heat burning low in the pit of his stomach was demanding more, faster, harder, but his trembling muscles and racing pulse couldn’t keep up. Each time he raised himself off Hawk’s cock, he could only hover for a brief moment before collapsing back onto it and, each time he fell back, he had to take a few seconds to quiver and gasp and bite back a frustrated scream because he was close, so close, but he couldn’t quite push himself over the edge.

Maybe Hawk could sense his dissatisfaction with himself, because he stopped kneading his thighs long enough to wrap an arm around his hips and yank him down on the next thrust, the head of his dick hitting into Miguel hard enough to make him wail.

That was what he needed, more hard thrusts like that, Eli pounding-

The whine that escaped him as he was pulled back up again and then completely off of Eli’s cock was pathetic, but he couldn’t bring himself to care when he was too busy trying to figure out why he was stopping-

He was shoved back, air pushed from his lungs in a huff as his brain struggled to follow what Hawk was doing, where he was going, why he was stepping off the bed and grabbing Miguel’s hips and dragging him…

He blinked hazily at the mattress beneath him, at the arms shaking with the effort of holding himself up. One of Hawk’s hands slid around his thigh, pulling that leg a little further out – to help Miguel better balance himself at the edge of the bed, or perhaps simply to give himself better access – but before he could fully settle into the new position, he heard a sharp click and felt a drip of shockingly cold, slippery liquid being drizzled down his crack, followed by Hawk’s cock pressing up against his entrance, rubbing against sensitive skin in slow, jerky motions that teased more than satisfied.

Oh.

The heat was overwhelming as Eli leaned over him, chest pressed flush against Miguel’s back, lips tickling at his ear while hot breaths burned with each whispered word, “You can take it, right?”

Miguel whimpered.

Not satisfied with that answer, Eli rutted against him harder, nails digging into his hips deep enough that he would probably leave indents in his skin. “You want me to fuck you properly?”

“God, yes, please-” he dropped his head down, unable to hold its weight any longer, and had to close his eyes tight just so he could focus on the feeling of Eli’s cock dragging against him, slick lube easing the motion and making him even more of a mess as he tried to rock back against it and find the angle that would get it back inside him where it belonged “-don’t hold back.”

Eli grunted, hips jerking forward for a moment before he slowly pulled away.

The rush of cold air against his sweat-soaked skin made Miguel shiver and he wanted to complain, demand that Eli get back down and keep him warm, but the pair of hands smacking against his ass and spreading him open quickly put a stop to any complaints he might have.

“Wasn’t planning to,” Eli said and it was all the warning Miguel got.

He couldn’t even scream at the deep, forceful thrust, all he could do was choke on a gasp as he fought to keep his balance against the rapid slamming of Hawk’s hips against his.

How long had it been since he’d had this? Too long. Way too long. Even before Louis had decided to cut him off from sex, they very rarely fucked like this, all passion and pure bodily delight. Lou tended to prefer more sweet, gentle lovemaking, which was nice in its own way and there were times where that was what Miguel wanted too, but, God, it just wasn’t the same as having someone pound into him rough and fast enough to make his toes curl. Sometimes he just wanted to be fucked like someone who’d survived more than his fair share of beatings in the past, not like someone who would break if he was touched just a little too hard.

Figured that Hawk would be the one to give him exactly what he’d been after; he’d been the only one to not hold back against him when he finally got back into training after the accident too. Even while everyone else in the dojo treated him with kid gloves, even Johnny – especially Johnny – Hawk never eased off when they sparred, he just kept fighting at the high level he’d pushed himself to reach and expected that Miguel would be able to keep up.

It was all the motivation he’d needed at the time to prove to his friend that he could, because he hadn’t wanted that faith to be misplaced.

And now Hawk was helping him remember what his body was capable of again, with every hard thrust that made him shudder and whine and cry.

The heat radiating off of Eli as he leaned forward again burned at skin that was already melting. He couldn’t tell if the sweat that was dripping in cooling little rivers down his back belonged to Eli or himself, but it stuck them together uncomfortably with every thrust, every inhale, every expansion of their ribs. He wouldn’t change it though, not when it meant Eli could press wet, sloppy kisses across his shoulders, biting down roughly until Miguel groaned low and trembling.

“Is this what you were missing?” Hawk rasped, lips softly caressing his sweat-slick skin as he spoke and fingers digging harder into his hips to steady Miguel against another deep thrust.

In all honesty, he wasn’t sure he’d ever been fucked quite like this in order to miss it, but he’d definitely be missing it once this was over.

He nodded his head eagerly anyway, not even bothering with trying to say any actual words when he could barely hold onto enough air to breathe. God he was so close; he needed to come, hard, fast and unapologetic.

Except, when he shakily attempted to balance himself on one arm so he could reach back to his own untouched cock – where his throbbing need had gradually been edging up to the point of distress – Eli grabbed his hand and forced it back onto the mattress, pressing it down with his own. Then he did the same with Miguel’s other hand, feeding his fingers through the gaps between Miguel’s to keep him trapped.

“F-uuuck-” his head dropped, hair tickling against his face as it fell around it and he let out a desperate, pathetic whine “-Hawk, please.”

The teeth that had been scraping across the back of his neck dug in harder, tugging at his skin when another hard slam of his hips made Miguel’s body jerk forward a little. When Eli relaxed his bite, Miguel shivered at how cool the air felt against breath-dampened skin.

“I’ve only just started and you wanna come already?”

God, that voice, where had Hawk been hiding this side of himself all this time? At this point he didn’t have much dignity left to protect, but he was glad that Hawk couldn’t see his face, because he knew the burning heat he could feel in his cheeks came from far more than just the stuffy, humid air.

“You said you could take it.” Eli’s breath seared the shell of his ear as he whispered against it, his thumbs brushing gently over Miguel’s knuckles, a total contrast to the rapid snapping of his hips, driving his cock deeper and harder into all the most sensitive places inside him until Miguel was practically sobbing from the overstimulation of it all. And his breathing only got worse when Eli leaned even further into him, like he was trying to meld their bodies into one, rolling his hips in tantalising little waves that pressed the head of his dick nice and firmly against his prostate and continued in that rough, devastating whisper, “I know you can handle more than this.”

He didn’t give Miguel a chance to refute his statement, or even a chance for him to try and consider if he would; he lifted himself off of Miguel’s back – the sweat dripping down it turning frigid against his burning skin – grabbed his hips with both hands to keep him in place and slammed into him hard enough to knock the air out of Miguel’s lungs and didn’t let him suck it back in before he’d driven in to him again and again and agai-

Eventually his trembling arms gave up and his upper body landed against the mattress with a thud. The soft sheets pressing into his cheek were stifling and his back ached a little at the position, but it was impossible to give a shit about any of that when the new angle had Hawk pushing into him in the perfect spot to have him crying out, even if his voice was weak and cracking on every sound escaping his throat.

He’d take any amount of discomfort if it meant being able to look over his shoulder and see Hawk’s face twisted in that special kind of intense concentration that was usually reserved for an opponent he was sparring against.

It probably shouldn’t have excited him as much as it did, but the way those hungry, blue eyes were focused on where he was still thrusting into Miguel almost had him laughing, asking if he was enjoying the view.

The only thing stopping him was the fact that saying anything would require actually being able to take one single breath.

Which wasn’t going to be happening as long as Eli kept driving into him at such a relentless pace.

Between the heat, the humidity, the alcohol still fuzzing the edges of his senses and the pleasure steadily building so high it was beginning to crush him, Miguel felt on the verge of passing out. He’d been on the edge for so long already, he knew that just one light brush against his cock would be enough to set him off, but this angle wasn’t giving him what he needed and he didn’t have the strength to lift even a single finger to finish himself.

His only chance was to beg for some sympathy from Hawk.

Swallowing back enough saliva to drown in, Miguel turned his head as much as he could to stare up at Eli, still only catching him out of the corner of his eye but hopefully it would be enough for him to see the utter devastation in his face. “Hawk,” he whimpered, waiting until Eli’s head snapped up to meet his eyes before continuing, “Hawk, please, I need to- I’m so close, please, let me come, I need-”

For an awful moment, Eli stopped moving mid-thrust, cock distressingly far from the place Miguel wanted it most, the heaving of his chest making his tattoos shift like water under his skin.

Then he let out a low groan, slowly sinking all the way into Miguel, before returning to his previous brutal thrusts. This time, however, only one hand stayed digging into his hip, the other slid under him, arm hugging around him like a boa constrictor as his fingers finally stroked him where he’d been needing it the most all this time.

It really did only take one touch.

But he was riding the wave too high to care how pathetic he was, sobbing into the sheets at the gentle caress of Eli’s fingers on his pulsing cock, while every muscle in his body spasmed with pure, electric delight. He kept moaning as Eli’s thrusting slowed, then stopped, buried as deeply as he could get while Miguel trembled through the last ripples of pleasure.

“F-fuck, I-”

He didn’t quite know where that sentence had been going, so it was probably for the best that his burning lungs had cut him off.

As he lay there panting and shuddering through his bliss, Hawk pulled out of him so fast Miguel gasped at the sudden emptiness. But, before he could question it, he felt the hand that had been gently stroking along his dick shifting again, lower this time, fingers trailing against delicate skin.

Miguel’s own warm, slick come felt a little disgusting being smeared across his inner thighs, but before he could ask what the fuck he was doing, Hawk was grabbing at his legs and pushing them closed. Only when he felt the hard cock working its way between his thighs did Miguel realise what was happening.

“Jesus, Haw-”

Strong hands returned to the fleshiest part of his hips, fingers digging in nicely. “Nearly there, just need a bit more.”

Moaning at the humiliating crudeness of it all, he clenched his legs as tightly as he could to help Eli out and rocked back into him. Honestly, he could’ve just kept fucking Miguel as he had been and he wouldn’t have minded, but his already hypersensitive and convulsing body would probably thank Eli for this later, because even this much contact was almost too much for him to handle.

The slick drag of Eli’s cock sliding through the mixture of come, sweat and lube that had ended up between his thighs was driving him crazy. He wished he were in a better mental state to really appreciate all the unfamiliar sensations Eli was introducing him to, because this wasn’t something any of his previous partners had thought to try before, but he was already exhausted and overwhelmed and each time the head of Eli’s dick rubbed a little too close to Miguel’s balls he shuddered and whined at the frenzied sensations.

And, just from how each snap of his hips gradually became less steady, following a looser, more erratic rhythm, he knew that Hawk wasn’t far off.

Shifting as much of his weight to one side as possible, Miguel managed to free one arm enough to reach back, blindly trying to guess at where it would be the most help. Eli’s groan vibrated through him when the head of his cock found itself thrusting into waiting fingers and Miguel couldn’t help grinning at the reaction, even as he shifted to better tease him each time Eli’s cock emerged from between his thighs.

The hands on him gripped tighter and Hawk’s hips smacked against the back of his legs in short, sharp bursts. The sound of slapping skin almost overcame the drawn-out moans Hawk let escape with each tremor of his body, before he finally slowed, panting and leaning into Miguel hard enough that they were both going to topple if he wasn’t careful, because Miguel could barely hold himself up, let alone while also supporting Hawk’s weight.

Thankfully, they didn’t get to find out how much longer he would’ve lasted, because Hawk pulled away with a deep groan, cock sliding one last time between his legs, obscene in all the best ways.

Miguel brought his hand back to the mattress to help stabilise himself as he dropped fully onto the bed, almost a little disappointed that he didn’t have any of Hawk’s come of lick off his own fingers – he was already peeling his condom off and throwing it away before Miguel could even bring up the possibility.

Which was probably a good thing.

Hawk had already discovered a lot more about Miguel’s sexual habits tonight than he’d ever needed to know, he’d probably be better off not knowing exactly how much of a freak he could be.

Actually, now that he was satisfied and his entire body was starting to ache and he really took stock of the situation – him collapsed and panting into his best friend’s too-soft mattress, Eli dropping heavily next to him, not touching, but close enough that he could feel his body heat – he felt something like panic wrenching at his insides.

What the fuck had they done?

What happened now?

He tried to roll over, face his friend, apologise, but his first attempt to move ended up with him hissing at the throbbing in his hips and down his back and he immediately fell back onto his front.

The light chuckle beside him only made him feel a little bit better.

“You doing ok there?”

Groaning loudly into the sheets, his mumbled, “Fuck off,” was unlikely to have been comprehensible, so he combined it with a middle finger in the general direction he’d heard Hawk’s voice coming from.

Hawk laughed again, before Miguel felt the mattress shifting beneath him as his friend got up again, followed by the quiet sounds of shuffling and shifting somewhere behind him.

The gentle touch of something vaguely papery brushing against his inner thighs made him flinch, but the hand pressing firmly into his muscle relaxed him instantly, even before Eli’s low murmur reached his ears, “Go to sleep, I’ll handle the clean-up.”

In any other situation he would’ve complained that he didn’t have to, he’d already made a big enough fool of himself tonight, just let him stew in his own shame for a little longer.

In any other situation, he wouldn’t have begged his best friend to fuck him.

Maybe Eli was right, maybe sleep would help make things clearer in the morning.

He was halfway there already anyway and the gentle hands swiping the tissues over him were pretty relaxing, the same kind of soft aftercare that Lou had always been fond of-

If Eli heard him start crying again, he didn’t say anything about it, just continued with his task with the same care and precision he always put into anything he cared deeply about. By the time he was finished and manoeuvring Miguel so he was lying in a better position on the bed, he was so exhausted both physically and emotionally that he didn’t question Eli sliding under the sheets beside him and wrapping an arm firmly around his waist.

Soft lips tickled as they caressed his ear.

He fell asleep asking Eli to repeat the words he’d just whispered, because he hadn’t quite caught them.

He didn’t catch them the second time around either.

---

His second mistake that morning was trying to sit up, an action which very quickly brought to his attention every single aching and tense muscle in his body – and there were so many to be made aware of.

His first mistake had been waking up in the first place.

Letting his body flop back onto the mattress with a grunt, he regretted the harsh movement immediately when it made his already-aching head jolt in a way that only intensified his pounding headache.

Of course he recognised a hangover when he felt one, but, Jesus, it’d been a long time since he’d woken up feeling this rough. Trying to swallow only made the desert in his mouth feel even more arid, tongue scraping like sandpaper against the back of his teeth and the headache stabbing deeper into his skull every time he shifted trying to find an angle that didn’t feel like absolute hell.

There was also the shooting agony dancing up and down his spine, but he was getting used to waking up with that, so he brushed off that concern and focused instead on the hurts he felt more comfortable with.

The self-pity went down a little easier when the pain was his own damn fault and not the kind he had little-to-no control over. Still though, it was always nicer to complain to someone else about it, rather than just feel sorry for himself in his own head. Already preparing himself for agony, he rolled over, reaching for the other side of the mattress, trying to find the warm body that should be next to him.

He nearly rolled off the edge of the bed.

With a jolt, he threw himself back just in time to catch his balance, staring at the ceiling with wide, unseeing eyes until he could no longer hear his heartbeat thundering in his ears. What the fuck? He never slept on the left side of the bed, that was where Lou always preferred to slee-

Something in him clenched and he blinked his bleary eyes rapidly to clear some of the haze from them.

That wasn’t his ceiling. It was too dull a shade of white and it didn’t have that weird little lump right above the bed where an old light fixture had been painted over.

This wasn’t his bed. It was just a little too soft, not like the firmer one he had at home which he’d found was better for his back.

This wasn’t his home. Except… neither was the place he was comparing it to.

Not anymore.

The memories didn’t all come flooding back at once, they came in fits and starts and, for some stupid reason, the first detail his mind really latched onto was that one side of Lou’s shirt collar had been popped up slightly. Miguel had actually been waiting to see how long it took him to notice all morning, fully prepared to take the piss out of him for it before he helped him smooth it back down and neaten him up, leaning in for a kiss once his boyfriend was looking presentable again.

‘I’m sorry, I just can’t do this anymore.’

He felt the breath catching in his throat and had to force himself to sit up, slowly this time, because lying down trying to inhale around that lump felt like drowning.

‘I can’t keep looking after you like this, it’s too much. I love you, but I’ve been putting my life on hold for too long already, I need to be able to move forward and I wish I could carry you with me, but I just can’t, I’m not strong enough for it.’

The lines had been rehearsed. They were too perfect, too soothing, too romantic.

They weren’t real.

Miguel would’ve preferred something spontaneous and messy and hurtful. He didn’t want to think about how long Louis had been planning the breakup for him to have his little speech memorised. How many days he’d thought that things were ok, that they were working out their problems, that they were both in it for the long-haul, only for his lover to be silently agonising over how he was going to break the news to Miguel. Brutal honesty would have been so much better than a sugar-coated twisting of the truth.

Because he believed that Louis was genuinely sorry for the breakup. He fully believed that he’d tried his best to be what he thought Miguel needed from his partner.

He didn’t believe that the reason he was ending things was because he didn’t feel strong enough to carry Miguel’s weight.

It was because he resented it.

And the worst part was that Miguel had never wanted him to carry his weight.

He could stand on his own two legs, he just wanted to know someone would always be there to lean on for support those times when he actually needed it.

Louis had chosen to take that burden on himself and, now that it had exhausted him, he’d decided it was easier to throw Miguel away entirely.

But maybe that was Miguel’s fault too. Maybe if he’d not been so resistant to Lou’s efforts to help him things would be different. If he’d just not been so much work in the first place, perhaps they would’ve found a way to stay together and he wouldn’t have gotten wasted last night and ended up… here.

He’d not been in Eli’s bedroom before – it was a relatively new apartment and, now that he actually had a decently-sized living area, he preferred to use that space to entertain his friends when they came over – but he’d seen it in passing and in the background of a few photos before.

Even if he hadn’t, he probably would’ve recognised his friend’s fingerprints on it regardless; the room was filled with the sleek, minimalist designs that he favoured and everything was rigidly organised. It would often surprise people who saw the hair and tattoos and assumed his preferred style of interior decoration would be equally as wild and chaotic, but Hawk was still Eli at the end of the day and, while he treated his own body like a canvas on which to paint all the untamed emotions he was so used to otherwise holding inside, he preferred his environments to be neat and orderly and practical.

So, the bedroom he’d woken up in belonged to his best friend.

He wasn’t sure if that was better or worse than if it’d belonged to a stranger.

They’d had sex.

Probably. No, definitely.

Granted he couldn’t remember any actual sex happening, just some vivid flashes of the embarrassing way he’d been attempting to seduce Hawk into it, but the way his entire body was aching – and one place in particular – was far too familiar to not know exactly what it meant.

Eli wasn’t anywhere to be seen, but the sheets on the other side of the bed were ruffled and, when Miguel reached out to brush against them, he could still feel some lingering warmth clinging to them, so he couldn’t have been up for very long. If the pounding in his head didn’t make him want to throw up, he might’ve tried stretching his hearing to figure out where Eli was. Instead, he pulled his hand away from the ghost of Eli’s warmth and buried his face in his hands, groaning into them heavily.

What the fuck had he done?

What happened to their friendship now?

Eli left him here. Just like Louis left. Just like Sam left. Because he wasn’t ever enough.

Groaning harder, he tried to shove the thought to the back of his mind. This situation had nothing to do with his past breakups and Eli was nothing like Louis. They weren’t even dating, this had been a one-night stand, he was just hurting over Louis and still half-asleep and… alone.

Again.

He shouldn’t have done this, what had he been thinking?

But he already knew the answer to that; it was the same thing that always got him into trouble.

He hadn’t been thinking at all.

Not one thought had been going through his head when he’d thrown himself onto his best friend, he’d just been letting himself immediately give in to every desire that he was usually better about stamping down. In that moment, he’d wanted Hawk and nothing else had mattered.

And now what?

God, he wished Hawk could’ve been here to wake up with him, at least then he could figure out how he wanted to play this based off his reaction. Was he embarrassed about the whole thing? Angry? Upset? Indifferent? It had been a mistake, but they’d both been drinking, maybe Hawk was just as hazy about what had happened as Miguel was. He kind of hoped that was the case, it’d be much easier to laugh the whole thing off that way-

The faint noise of surprise was just enough to break through spiralling thoughts and groggy senses.

Miguel snapped his head up – instantly regretting it when he felt his brain slamming against the inside of his skull, sparking another burst of pain just above his eyes – and had to blink several times to get his vision to focus on where Eli was standing frozen in the doorway, face unreadable as he stared back at Miguel. He’d thrown on some sweats, but hadn’t bothered with a top, giving Miguel a very good view of several dark hickeys scattered across his chest and neck, even one on the underside of his jaw.

Suddenly he was highly aware of the fact that he was extremely naked under Eli’s sheets, that Eli had likely seen every part of him last night.

How did they usually greet each other, when one of them wasn’t naked in the other’s bed and the other wasn’t wearing love bites like trophies?

“Hey, ‘sup bro!”

He winced at the sound of his own voice, rough as gravel but also too chipper, too fake, too damn loud this close to his already-pounding ears. Groaning, he clutched at each side of his head willing the stabbing sensation to go away.

Hawk raised a brow, but let out a soft snort before stepping further into the room, tossing something in Miguel’s direction as he said, “Figured you’d need this.”

His hand automatically reached out to catch it, reflexes working far more efficiently than his brain as he squinted at the small box in his hand, taking far longer than it should have to register what it was. By the time he had, Eli was at the side of the bed, holding a glass of water out to him.

Gratefully taking the glass, he scrabbled with the packaging to push out a few capsules, washing them down with a good glug and praying they would at least take the edge off. It wouldn’t do shit for his back – that required something far stronger than what Eli would keep in his place – but if it could get him to the point where he could stand up without feeling like he was going to topple over if someone breathed on him too hard then that would be enough.

Then he downed the rest of the glass, hoping it would be absorbed into his bone-dry mouth like a sponge and give him some relief. Yet somehow, despite nearly choking on the cool liquid, he felt just as dehydrated as before.

Hawk hovered awkwardly at the side of the bed, his eyes very pointedly not dropping any lower than Miguel’s face, but his smirk looked natural as he crossed his arms and leaned back against his dresser. “Feeling pretty rough, I take it?”

“Very-” he sounded it too, voice like a box of loose, jagged rocks being shaken “-I…”

I’m sorry for last night. It shouldn’t have happened, we were drunk, let’s just forget it and move on, hell I’m already halfway there anyway! With the forgetting at least. Please just don’t let this change anything between us.

He knew the words he should be saying, could hear them so clearly in his head.

Yet it was an entirely different set of words he was fighting to hold back.

Can we please do that again? Because I barely remember it but I can’t remember the last time I felt this satisfied and I want one thing I can hold onto.

What was wrong with him? Was he that desperate for any kind of affection that he was prepared to beg his best friend to fuck him again, just so he didn’t have to face the gaping emptiness of being told that he was holding back the one he loved?

Coughing and willing himself not to blush, he stared down at the empty glass still in his hands, thumbs brushing along the rim of it. “Uhh, guess I went a bit wild last night, huh?” He winced at his own understatement; ‘a bit wild’ was the most cowardly way he possibly could’ve put it. And he was still trying to be a coward now, refusing to meet Eli’s eyes as he mumbled around weak, flimsy words that he could only hope Eli would take as the apology they were pretending to be, “I, um, I actually don’t really remember much of anything that happened after we started doing shots, but, I, uh…”

Sorry. Just say the fucking word.

But that would require actually acknowledging directly what had happened between them and that felt like a dangerous road to start walking down.

When Eli didn’t say anything in response, he risked a glance up to try and read his expression, but it was frustratingly blank in that way Eli was so good at. That inscrutable look only stayed for a few seconds before being replaced with a familiar, comforting smirk.

“Don’t worry about it, everyone knows you can’t handle alcohol,” Hawk said with a loose shrug, the motion making his tattoos shift in a fascinating way that Miguel had to turn away from before his mind started drifting to places it should really avoid if he wanted their friendship to remain as it was. A thick cough drew Miguel’s eyes back again, however, just in time to see Eli’s expression soften as he pointedly looked away from Miguel. “If there’s anything you don’t remember… then it didn’t happen.”

He nodded slowly, trying to squash down the disappointment bubbling up in his chest. This was good, it was exactly what he’d been hoping for, an unspoken agreement to pretend that nothing had happened and nothing had to change.

Except there was still a part of him that didn’t want to forget, that wished he remembered more, not less.

Dropping his head again to hide his flush, he wiped a hand across his tired eyes as he mumbled out a soft, “Sorry,” knowing it wasn’t enough.

“It’s fine, we’re all good.”

Hawk meant it, he knew that without needing to look. Their friendship had survived harder trials than one drunken mistake before, it was just because the shame was fresh and he was still feeling like he’d spent last night being used as a punching bag – in a way he had-

No. Thoughts like that were absolutely not helping anything.

Hawk was happy to pretend like nothing happened, Miguel needed to stop trying to remember it.

“And at least you didn’t embarrass yourself as badly as you did at that graduation party last year.”

The laughter punched out of him in a rough bark. It didn’t do anything to lessen the mortification clinging to his skin like oil, but it was a relief that they could still talk to each other as they always had. “Please, don’t.”

For once Hawk didn’t pounce on the weak point, instead he just gave a grin and changed the topic entirely, “Want me to grab us some breakfast burritos?”

Miguel’s face screwed up at the thought of food when his stomach was churning so hard. Then it screwed up even further as he followed Hawk’s suggestion to its logical conclusion. “From that place just down the road?”

Hawk nodded.

“They’re complete dogshit.”

His best friend’s cackle only made his headache stab even harder into his eyes and Hawk didn’t look the least bit apologetic when he leaned a little further into Miguel’s space and grinned down at him. “I’m sorry, are you in the condition to enjoy anything better, or do you just want half a pound of cheese, egg and grease to soak up whatever vodka’s left in you?”

“Ok, fine, get the dogshit burritos,” he said, placing his hand over Eli’s grinning face and weakly shoving him back, “please tell me you’ve still got some of that ají I left here last week, I’ll need something to cover up the taste.”

Snorting, Hawk lightly punched him in the shoulder before stepping back out of range of a potential counter-attack – even though Miguel was pretty sure he would fall off the bed if he made the attempt. “Yeah, there’s plenty of ají left-” he grabbed a shirt from his dresser, the wings of his oldest tattoo stretching along with him as he turned towards the doorway and pulled it over his head “-if you wanna take a shower, you’ll probably have time before I get back.”

“Hey, Eli?” He waited for his friend to stop and look back over his shoulder before continuing in a soft whisper, “Thanks, y’know, for…”

Keeping me company? No, that was too suggestive. Looking after me? Even worse. How the fuck were you supposed to thank your best friend for making you feel better the previous night without drawing any attention to the elephant sucking up all the air in the room?

“…For listening. It helped.”

The smile flashed at him was the final missing piece that made him relax into the belief that everything would be alright. “No worries, man, I’m here for you anytime you need it.”  

Hawk didn’t stick around long enough for things to get any sappier, calling out a faint, “Back in a bit,” before the slam of his front door echoed faintly through his apartment.

Well.

That was that then.

Sighing, Miguel pushed himself to his feet, legs trembling with the effort. He had to lean his hands against Eli’s bedroom walls to keep upright as he made his way towards the bathroom, retrieving the pile of clothes that had been left on top of the dresser along the way and throwing on his shirt and jeans so he at least wasn’t wandering his best friend’s apartment completely nude. Even if he wasn’t actually here right now, even if he’d already seen everything last night. There were some lines Miguel felt had to remain uncrossed if they were going to stay friends after this.

Turning the shower as hot as it would go, he couldn’t help glancing in the mirror as he waited for the water to heat up.

Jesus, what the fuck had Hawk done to him? He’d definitely have to borrow a shirt with a collar before he went home, because it would be impossible to come up with a lie to explain the little purple bruises dotting his neck and shoulders. Even his fucking hips had some faint hand-print bruises just barely visible under his skin. He knew it’d been rough just from how badly all his muscles were aching, but actually seeing the evidence of what they’d done…

His inhale was shaky as he forced his eyes away from the mirror and stepped under searing water, the heat unwinding at least some of the deep ache in every part of his body.

Just don’t think about it.

It had been a mistake, they both understood that and they had both agreed to pretend that nothing had ever transpired. He was going to have to be content with that.

All he could do for now was push down the disappointment that it was never going to happen again.

---