Archive of Our Own ^beta

Simon was really trying to be into it, but it was a struggle. He kept feeling his hands on him, not Johnny’s. He felt like he was back in that god forsaken alleyway. He didn’t feel safe when usually Simon did feel safe with Soap. But god he couldn’t shake this feeling. All of his walls went back up and he froze up.

Johnny must’ve noticed his shift in demeanor since he spoke up asking, “Si? Y’okay?” He looked worried. He was always so considerate.. and always looking out for people. Of course he’d notice something was wrong.

Simon somehow managed to unfreeze himself and immediately pushed Soap off of him, pulling up his pants, fumbling with the buckle, “I have to go,” was all he announced before he walked out the door. 

He fucked up. Johnny deserved an explanation but Simon didn’t think he was capable of talking about it with him — or anyone for that matter. It was a lot and it would make Simon feel weak. He should be over this shit by now but he wasn’t.

He felt like a moron. He was supposed to feel safe with Soap and yet he couldn’t keep himself from having stupid flashbacks. It was from so long ago. Why was he still having issues with this? He thought he had gotten over it. 

He went to the bathroom to wash his face off. He leaned over the sink, letting the water drip off his face. Even despite the water running, he could hear the sound of walking coming from behind him. He knew it was Johnny even before he spoke. 

“Ghost?” He heard Soap’s quiet voice from behind him, putting a warm hand on his back, “What’s going on?”

Simon wiped his face off with the palm of his hand, letting out a heavy sigh. “It’s just.. personal shit,” Was his answer. It was vague but it was enough to get the message across. He wasn’t ready to talk about it yet… wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready to. 

“Did you not want to? Look, it’s fine if y—“ 

Simon quickly interrupted him, giving him no room for doubt, “No, Johnny. I wanted to. I did. But I can’t…”

Johnny frowned, forcing Simon to face him, “Talk to me, LT. Is this about the protocol?”

“Just leave it, dammit,” Ghost argued, a hint of a growl to his voice, “I told you it’s just a personal issue. It’s nothing you did and it's not about the bloody protocol. Fuck the protocol.”

Soap opened his mouth for a moment before closing it again, seemingly wanting to disagree with Simon before deciding it would be better to leave it. He simply nodded in response and walked away. 

Fuck, did Simon always have to keep pushing everyone away? Every slight inconvenience he just ended up shoving everyone away before they could do it first. He really needed to get a hold of himself. It wasn’t fair to Soap. Johnny deserved the world and Simon didn’t feel like he even made up half of it. He was lacking in almost every category. Just what did Soap see in him? He was a goddamn loser. 

Ghost opted on just going to bed. But it didn’t go how he planned it would. He tried sleeping but after being woken up the 3rd time from a nightmare he gave up. He wasn’t necessarily surprised. It was definitely one of those nights. 

With a heavy sigh, he got up from his bed and went to the kitchen to get himself some water. If it weren’t from what happened earlier, he would’ve gone into Johnny’s room. But he felt like he didn’t deserve to after what he did. Johnny wouldn’t have wanted to see him. Not now. 

He took a swig out of the cup, the cold water soothing his dry throat and calming him down some. 

He heard footsteps from behind him again. Of course it was Johnny. He let out another sigh as Soap walked up next to him and leaned against the counter. 

“Hey,” Johnny spoke up after a few seconds of silence, his voice slightly groggy, “Figured you’d be out here..”

“You figured right,” Was all he said as he shrugged in response, his tone blank. 

Johnny shook his head, nudging Simon’s shoulder, “C’mon.. lets head to my room, okay?”

Ghost gave him a slight glare but he didn’t argue, following behind Soap. 

Simon didn’t lay down when he got in Johnny’s room. Johnny got comfortable in his bed and Ghost just sat on the edge, staring at his hands in the dark. 

“Sii..,” Soap pleaded, “Tell me what's going on… please?”

Simon didn’t respond at first, fidgeting with his hands while his leg bounced as well. 

“Sim—“

“I was raped in an alleyway when I was younger,” Simon explained, “.. I um. It’s difficult for me not to think about it when… you know.”

He felt so stupid. So so stupid. He was so anxious over this, his hands squeezing one another to try and calm his nerves. 

He felt Johnny’s arms wrap around him from behind, his head resting on his shoulder. “S’okay.. thanks for telling me,” Johnny said softly, “We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

Simon leaned back against Johnny’s touch, resting his cheek on Johnny’s head. “Sorry I left like that,” he apologized quietly. 

“I know you are. It wasn’t your fault,” Johnny soothed, “I figured something was up when you stopped responding to me.”

Simon nodded. He didn’t deserve him. Johnny was so nice and considerate.. and Simon wasn’t. 

“You need to stop getting in your head like that. I know you, Si.. You wouldn’t just leave like that unless something was seriously wrong,” Soap whispered, “I’m not mad at you.”

The reassurance was nice to hear. He knew he did happen to get in his head a lot when stuff like this happened and tended to distance himself. He really did need to work on that. Johnny would just be insistent on being around him anyway so he should stop trying to keep him out. Maybe he was just afraid he would leave.. just like everyone else had so he kept trying to push him away over the slightest inconveniences before Soap did it first..

Simon sighed, turning around to lean on Johnny to where they were both lying down in the bed. Johnny let out a soft laugh, “There you are.”

Simon scoffed in response, burying his head in Soap’s shoulder, “Yeah, yeah..” God, he loved him so much. 

“Now go to sleep,” Soap murmured to him, gently pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

“Yeah..” He nodded, shutting his eyes, his body heavy against Johnny’s chest. He eventually fell into a deep sleep.