Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Abraxas hates the luminescent lights used in hospitals. They made everything look lifeless and alone. Those bright, white lights made Seth look like a ghost as he lay with his eyes closed on the hospital bed. The regular, steady beeps of the heart monitor kept him company as he sat beside Seth, being the only proof that he was safe, that he was able to save him. A book was forgotten on his lap. He looks at the numbers falling and rising on the monitor. A breath escaped from him, as a sting of a familiar pain rose in his head. 

A delightful migraine was on its way, indicating that perhaps he should go back to the dorm. Too bad he was waiting for someone, though. There's another empty chair next to him, both of them beside Seth's bed. Barely trying to make sense of his still-pain-fogged thoughts, one of the reasons why he didn't progress in his reading, he heard in the distance the accelerated clicking of heels against the ceramic floor tiles against the ceramic floor tiles. Only someone would wear heels 24/7, Allison. He takes his eyes away from the monitor towards her, nearly groaning with joy when he sees her carrying a flask of a hopefully sickly sweet tea and not bitter black coffee. 

“Here you go,” she said, brash and loud, as if hoping the sound of her voice would wake Seth up from his days long slumber, or who knows, some say that while in a coma-or simply asleep-they still hear the voices of those around them. Abraxas takes the flask, opening it to find… coffee . “Neil made it,” she adds, quickly identifying the clear look of disappointment on his face. 

“Of course he made it.” he muttered, as he took a big swing of it anyway, letting the bitterness draw away the pain of his impending headache. She sits down on that chair beside him, crossing one leg over the other, resting his elbow on his legs and his face on his hand. Allison said, "You know, I'll kill someone if I hear Kevin complain about your absence in court." The words in between lines did not go unnoticed and were saying to him to go rest now, he had been here for hours now, letting nothing be his company but his misery.

“The diva would complain about me breathing if he could,” Abraxas chuckles, “I'll stay as long as you do. Visiting hours will be over soon.” The silence in the room afterwards gets louder with each tick of the clock and steady beeps of the monitor. He couldn't bare to face his failure, picking up the book from his lap and starting to read again. It was an old classic he picked up at the library, but he hadn't had the chance to read it. He couldn't believe it had to come to this so that he could have the time.

A week had passed away yet he felt rooted at the same spot, back at the pub, on the floor and bleeding out. If it weren't for the Foxes barging in the public bathroom moments later, the present would have been very different. He could barely remember the hospital trip along with the police questioning him and his own memories. The doctor said it was common, that it was just trauma making him forget. He wished his body would forget the ache of his bones too. No amount of painkillers took it away.

His bones didn't crack under the pressure of that man's hand. It was by pure luck according to the doctor. But much of his body was covered with bruises of various stages of healing. He was unable to sit, lay, or walk. Everything took too much energy, draining him slowly but surely. The only thing he did now was sit at the chair of the bright white room of the hospital and look at him. 

Seth. 

The boy who brought the Foxes together with his death. The player who doesn't see them win. The man who has not been given enough time to prove who he really is, change, and have a life that every Fox deserved. He wasn't alive, he wasn't dead. He was in a limbo stuck between the two worlds with so many IVs attached to him, forcefully keeping him alive, and not letting him go away from the world. And it was Abraxas fault he was like this. 

Dan had whispered to him so many times it was not. He could feel it from the hug given by Matt it's not. He saw the pitying look in Nicky's eyes telling him it's not. He could see Renee's apologetic smile and Andrew's empty stare. However none knew the truth of him knowing the plot of the books, he could have saved him. He could have done something different, a harder punch, or a cut deep into the flesh of their assailant with his knife. A thousand possibilities with positive outcomes and this was what he was left with. Bryan Seth Gordon in a coma for the past week. 

“Why couldn't the idiot give me some tea,” he pouts, the bitterness of the coffee coating his tongue. He licks his lips to get rid of the lingering taste. He flips a page of his book despite not reading a single word of the previous one, it felt less awkward that way, a continuous motion displaying the movement of time. Something to distract him away from the heavy grief he was responsible for and the man he had condemned, and that was reading the same word over and over again and then changing pages and repeating the sequence. 

“He said he doesn't want to risk you having diabetes on top of everything.” 

‘Bitch,’ Abraxas grumbles in his mind. He doesn't even take that much sugar in his chai anymore.  He smiles at Allison and replies, “Of course, he did.” He hands the flask to her, knowing she needs the caffeine too. His injuries allowed him leniency from his classes and exy practice, but sleep deprived blonde didn't have the same luxury. Despite everything she would have looked great to anyone else but the Foxes. 

Despite her curls being perfect, her outfits impeccable as always, the Foxes and he noticed the dark circles makeup couldn't conceal the shakiness of her hand as she took the flask from him. Her eyes are unable to look away from her lover boy. Abraxas looks away, staring at the page again, the words starting to blur. He takes a breath through his mouth, trying to empty his mind of everything. A groan escapes him as he tries to move slightly. The headache had begun to settle in, an ache behind his eyes, forcing him to shed himself into darkness. 

“You should go,” Allison insists softly, spelling it out for him this time. 

He shakes his head, he couldn't just leave. He had  to stay and face his consequences and see the misery he has caused. He played with the strings of fate, unable to tangle the knots he caused. He needs to see the empty husk of Seth as a constant reminder of his mistake. It's a cruel punishment he has chosen upon himself, he knows but there's no way of bailing him out from this. Her eyebrows furrow, as she looks at him, unable to understand why he's more rooted to this room than she is. 

“You never liked him.” 

More than a question, it was an observation, a fact. And it's true, people don't go to visit those they don't like when they're hurt; they ignore them. They don't spend the diabolical amount of money for their hospital bills either because they aren't supposed to do any of it. Foxes come to visit when they can: Neil has come twice so far, once with the team and then again with Nicky, keeping him company until classes began restricting his ability to follow Abraxas in his path of self-wallowing. Wymack visited regularly, and Allison was here every day and each time she saw him sitting on the same chair, with the same book on his lap, staring at the heart monitor, waiting for a sign that perhaps he had succeeded at defying fate.

“Do you believe in the multiverse theory?” 

She looks at him, her eyes questioning if the contusion from the fight had finally started to affect him. He begins to explain, “The theory basically says that for every possibility in the world, a universe exists for it.” His gaze briefly drifts to Seth, “Which means there's a universe where he's fine.” Abraxas bites the inside of his mouth, the teeth digging into the flesh, before he spits out the words, “But it's not this one, and it's my fault. You know it is .” 

He stops her before she can refute him. “It is. I know it. You know it. Everyone does. There's a thousand, maybe a million things I could have done differently.” His eyes begin to burn, a sob starting to rise in his throat.

‘Like I shouldn't exist here, in this world,’ he thought. 

“I should have been able to save him.” That night shouldn't have been such a cluster fire . He blinks, trying to stop himself before he creates a scene in front of her. He couldn't burden her with his pathetic self-pity. She doesn't deserve that. 

A cowardly part of him wanted to get up and walk away. But he knew she appreciates the quiet company he provides. The others try as much as they can, however it's not as if they skip the classes nor the practice. He's surprised Allison can come by as much as she can, he's sure she has to fight tooth and nail with Kevin for it. 

“It's not your fault.” Her voice is hard and harsh as she says it to him.  Each word echoing in Abraxas’s mind yet not being able to change his thoughts. Nobody would be able to take this guilt away from it. “What happened to Seth is not on you, it's not anyone's fault but the pathetic fucking asshole who did it to him.”

The pathetic fucking asshole being Riko but she didn't know, no one but him because the "official story" the cops have been telling was about Seth having a dispute with his former dealer which led to this. Were there any holes in the story? Absolutely, but the officers didn't care enough as long as the case was "closed.". 

‘It is though,’ his mind whispers to him, reminding him of the truth. “Maybe it's not,” he lies through his teeth. “I am still not any less sorry about it,” he chokes out. The conversation couldn't continue further as a nurse announces the end of visiting hours. The silence kept them company until they reached the Fox Tower, where an ugly brawl between Matt and Andrew had the upperclassmen moving in with Abby and the monsters but Neil stayed in the dorms, Abraxas thinking to do that as well. 

He didn't want to be at Abby's, under the constant supervision of the nurse, and the concerned look of Matt and Dan nor did he want to be at Wymack's, hence Neil and he were allowed to stay. Allison only had given him a ride back to the tower. 

“Same time tomorrow?” Abraxas smiles at her, as he closes the door of the car. He doesn't wait for a reply, knowing he's going to be at the hospital tomorrow, and she will be too. His posture changes, as he enters the elevator. His shoulders drooping, his hand barely holding onto the book. His grip loosening further and further as he reaches his door. The book falls onto the ground, a sigh leaving his body and he leans down, trying to ignore the pain of doing so as he picks up the book. The door swing opens, and he sees a pair of feet in his view. He gets up and Neil's looking at him.

A tired grin springs up on his face. “I wouldn't mind getting diabetes,” he lets him know as he moves so he could come in. He sets the book and the flask on the table before turning to him. “Did you eat?” He asked, as he opened the fridge to see if they had anything to eat. Cold pizza and some chai sounded perfect to him even if it shouldn't have.

“Yes,” Neil replied, as he saw him getting ready to make chai. The brown haired boy checks the flask to see it empty. He furrowed his eyebrows, he had half hoped Abraxas wouldn't drink the coffee knowing how much he hated it. His lack of sleep was obvious to everyone, the dark circles getting deeper as each day passed. He frowns as he sees the sleep deprived boy heat up water. 

“You need sleep,” he firmly states. 

“What i need my chai,” He curtly replied back to him. He doesn't want to get into any fights about his health now. He has heard enough concerns about his health from Abby and Wymack. He doesn't need this right now. A forceful sigh leaves him, and he bites into the cold piece of pepperoni pizza. 

He sees Neil clench his jaw for a split second before he leaves to go into his room. He feels dejected as he sees the boy leave, but doesn't say anything, looking into the boiling water. The bubbles of the water being a momentary distraction for him. He finishes making his chai, and gets another slice of pizza on a plate. He makes his way to set everything on the table when the door of his favourite character swings open. 

Abraxas watches as he sets up his homework on the table, and starts solving maths without a word. He briefly wonders if he should break the silence, but decides to cup the glass of tea in his hand as he watches him scribble down the numbers. He takes a sip of his chai, letting the sweetness take over and loosen his muscles. The night continues without a word passing in the air, only the relaxing sounds of pen scratching the paper. 

He takes up the plate and cup to the sink, walking back to the table. Neil glanced at him for a second and he thought he would get up now and let him be alone but he continued writing until the final question was done. Abraxas bites his lower lip, he didn't want the night to end without hearing his voice once more. He wished he could stay in this moment with him, it seemed perfect. No chaos was going on, no impending danger he had to worry, no plot lines he would fuck up. 

“Neil,” the name is whispered. For a second he was sure he hadn't heard him speak, until his gaze turned to him, waiting for him to continue. “How's practice?” He asked, his voice awkward and high. A pathetic attempt at a conversation, but it was better than nothing. At least, it's related to Exy. 

“The usual,” he replied. 

Abraxas grins, “I miss seeing the fights. I wish I could have seen Matt punching Kevin.” 

“Come to practice tomorrow. You'll see plenty of it. Kevin has decided to be a dictator instead of being a professional Exy player.”

“I still have a few more days to heal,” he replied, trying to ignore the suggestion. All motivation and strength to play had faded away slowly, the joy he felt when he first scored seemed like a distant dream now. He could come to the court and watch them practice, see their banter and murder attempts but he was too busy facing the consequences of his actions. He didn't feel worthy of doing anything that might make him feel a bit better. 

“Kevin might have me doing drills the second he sees me,” He chuckles, trying to make up a ridiculous excuse so he could avoid seeing the court, the game that everyone staked their lives on. He knows the brown eyed boy sees through his bullshit, he doesn't bother calling him out on it. Abraxas watches him stand up, he thinks he's going to gather everything and go to bed. It's late and then there's practice tomorrow after all. Instead he makes his way to the fridge and gets a bag of ice out. He hands it to him. 

The sudden coldness of the bag makes a shiver run down his spine. Abby had advised him to ice his bruises regularly, but him being in the hospital watching over Seth, making sure his treatment was running smoothly, and making sure no one came in to finish the job had him forget about it. He wraps his arms around the bag of ice, settling it on his midriff as if giving a hug. 

The cold feels comforting to him, and he sighs, placing his head on the table. The tiredness overcame him. A yawn tearing apart from his body despite having chai moments ago, and the coffee earlier, he could barely keep his open anymore. He could see Neil tidy up his things getting ready to leave.

“Bye Neil,’ he calls out, fully prepared to fall asleep like this, not caring about the cramps that might attack him tomorrow because of this. 

“Night,’ Neil replied, shutting the door to his room.

───※ ·❆· ※───

Abraxas stretches; trying to ignore the pain in his shoulders, as he had anticipated he had fallen asleep, with his head on top of the table, and the bag of ice— now turned into water— on his lap. He blinks profusely, trying to escape the clutches of sleep. He puts the bag on the table, leaning back on the chair. He rubs his eyes, trying to get his vision to focus on the arms of the clock. It was 5 am in the morning, one hour till morning practice would start. You would think that after being nearly beaten to death, your body would force you to sleep longer but apparently not. He sighs, his stomach begging for a fresh meal after the disastrous dinner of last night, but a proper shower was the priority.

After he comes out of the bathroom, fresh water dripping from his hair onto his t-shirt, he finally decides to listen to his stomach and cook a real meal to eat for once. He sees a dash of brown hair moving, and hears the door of the bathroom closing. The shower is being turned on, as he breaks two eggs onto the hot pan. He fixes two plates on the table, each with eggs and some chicken sausages. He makes the horrible bitter coffee, his face twisted with disgust as he remembers drinking it yesterday, he places the cup beside Neil's plate. He goes back to the kitchen to make his own cup of chai, trying to push back the horrible memory in the corner of his mind. 

The boy waits for him to come out of the shower, his mind wandering on what to do next. The thoughts that run around in a circle, refusing to follow the plot of the book but equally scared of making it worse. The voices in his head stop when he sees Neil, his wet hair clinging to his forehead as his eyes look at the food, hot and ready for him to eat. 

“Good morning,” Abraxas chips up, with a twist of his lips.

He greets him back, sitting down beside him to start his meal. “Wymack said I can start again after the weekend.” His finger picks at the small skin on the side of his nail, as he said that. He doesn't need to wait long for a reply. 

“Good luck with Kevin.” 

He grimaces. He can't even imagine what the Exy obsessed ex-raven is going to put him through when he comes back next Monday. He is horrified as he thinks about it. He gets goosebumps thinking about the drills he would have to survive, and the insults. Fuck. He's fucked. 

He chuckles, “Maybe, and just maybe, it's not too late to try jumping from a building.” Jumping from the roof of the Foxes Tower would surely guarantee him a shortcut to hell. He certainly wouldn't mind if it were the case. 

Neil looks at him blankly. He shrugs, “I am not actually going to do it, dumbass. I don't wanna feel pain any more,” he mutters softly. His fingers tapping at the table, it was the only sound as they continued to eat. He, however, only had small bites of his food, not having the energy or desire to eat, his appetite fading away with each minute passing. The boy beside him didn't call him out on it. He watches him wash his plate and cup, before taking his bag and leaving for practice. No goodbyes were exchanged, he wished he had said it before he left. 

The hours pass by, the sun at its peak when he returns back to the dorm after visiting Seth's hospital. A brief talk with the doctors let him know the treatment had been going well, but the chances of him waking up soon was still nonexistent. However, it wasn't zero, and Abraxas tries his best to focus on that. As long as there's a one percent chance, there's hope. 

And the hope keeps Seth on life support, no matter how much it was bleeding out his and Allison's funds. The worth of money couldn't compare to the worth of Seth's life. It's time for afternoon practices, so everyone should be at court right now, instead what he sees is Nicky with his phone out, calling someone as he waits in front of his dorm. 

He feels his own phone vibrate in his pocket. He takes it out to see Nicky's name on the screen. He furrowed his eyebrows, cutting the call. He begins to ask Nicky, “Is anything wrong, bhaiya?” He sees the brown skin boy turn to him, his shoulders relaxing as sees him. “I had been knocking for a while,” he reveals, flashing him a small smile, “Coach ordered me to drag you to practice.”  

His mouth drops open a bit in confusion, trying to process what he said. “But I start next Monday though…?” He said, despite the tone making it seem more like a question. 

“He wants everyone present for the meeting, he's going to talk about the new line up, now that Seth's out of commission.” Nicky grimaces, looking for his reaction to the joke but he simply shrugs, accepting it. He knew he was the only monster rattled by his condition. He was the only one who came by Abraxas' side when needed as well. He could slide past a stupid joke without blowing up on him and just nods at him. 

“Wait a minute,” He lets him know before walking into the dorm with the Fox behind him. He quickly changes into a t-shirt and comfortable pair of pants. Then, when they're on their way to the court, he is not ready to face it, nor anyone present there as well. He hadn't talked to anyone except Neil, Allison and Nicky these past few days. The senior Foxes continue to text and call, but he simply lets Allison relay to them he's alive. He has glimpses of Andrew's blonde hair, or maybe it was Aaron, but he hadn't talked to either of the twins either and It would be better not to bring up Kevin at all for him. He ignored the Exy addict as much as possible, not that the boy reached out to him. 

In less than half an hour, they had reached the bright big orange court. The light inside seems to blind him, he kept blinking trying to focus on his surroundings. Everything was the same, the lockers, the walls, and yet it felt unfamiliar to him. Abraxas nods at Nicky when he asks if he's alright. He flashes a quick, reassuring smile to the monster, before they both walk into the room where all of the Foxes and Coach Wymack were present. 

He pauses at the door, trying to force his heart back down through his throat. It had been a while since he saw all of them together, none of them looked good, even Neil who he saw in the morning, looked exhausted and tired as he sat in-between Kevin and Andrew on the couch. The monsters are more spread out, with the trio on the couch, and Aaron on a chair on Kevin's side. Andrew's side had a chair as well but it was clear it was meant for his cousin. He wondered if he could have a seat there one day, after all Neil wasn't the only one that chose Andrew Joseph Minyard that night.

Nicky walks past him, taking a free chair from the corner and drags next to the empty chair. He flops down on it, leaving the chair besides the blonde free. Abraxas frowns, wondering who could the chair be for then. He looks at Andrew who was pulling out a knife from his arm strap, he taps the blade on the arm of the chair. His hazel eyes telling him to sit down. It takes him a monstrous amount of strength to take the first steps towards them, towards him, but it got easier by the second. He stares at his shoes, trying to ignore the stare of the Foxes. They were already baffled seeing the runaway sitting there, and now he was there too. 

“Why him?” Matt demands. 

“Wanna tell them?” The tip of the knife pokes his arm, forcing him to look up and meet his gaze, Abraxas sees the manic smile on his face, and his fingers twirling the knife mindlessly. 

“Beat it, Andrew.” He replied, his voice more firm than he expected it to be. 

What would he even say to them? That Neil and Andrew were his life? That it was always going to be them? Sure, that would go well with everyone, he should try that, maybe it would shock the fates enough and they would zap him back to his reality. It's worth a try.

Wymack meanwhile was on a call all the while. Yelling into the phone to then slam it down, cutting the call effectively. When he turns around, he looks at Abraxas and Neil with the monsters. “Jesus fucking Christ,” the Coach swears, looking at him and then his gaze going back to the between Andrew and Kevin, “Last time I checked Andrew didn't like either of you.”

"He still doesn't," Neil said, but he didn't bother to explain.

"Interesting." Wymack eyed Neil a moment longer. He looks back at Abraxas, waiting for an explanation for this sudden development. The boy just shrugs, his eyes heading down towards the floor. 

“How are you?” 

“Better, Coach. Can't wait to start on Monday.” 

“Finally,” he hears Kevin mutter. 

“Now that all of you have gathered here. Abby wrote me a speech to give you this afternoon with Abraxas present. It sounded nice, had lots of stuff about courage and loss and coming together in everyone's time of need. I tore it up and tossed it in the trash can beside my desk.”

"I'm not here to offer you kind words and pats on the back. I'm not here to be a shoulder to cry on. Take that up with Abby or go down to Reddin and talk to Betsy. My job is to be your coach no matter what, to keep you moving and get you back on the court whether you're ready to be there or not. That probably makes me the bad guy here, but we all have to live with it.”

“I have already said it to you all on the first day we gathered. Abraxas, I want you to focus on what I say next. Look. Shit happened. Shit's going to keep happening. You don't need me to tell you life isn't fair. You're here because you know it isn't. Life doesn't care what we want out of it; it's up to us to fight for what we want with everything we've got. Seth wanted us to win. He wanted us to make it past the fourth match. I think we owe it to him to perform. Let's show the world what we've got. Let's make this our year."

"We've lost enough, don't you think?" Dan asked her teammates. "It's time to win."

Matt laced his fingers through hers and squeezed. "Let's take it all the way to finals."

"Words don't mean anything to me," Wymack said. "Prove to me on my court you have what it takes to make it to championships. I want you on the court in light gear in five minutes or I'll sign you all up for a marathon.”

Everyone starts getting up except for him. A pair of feet appears before him. He looks up to see Kevin Day, his eyes looking down on him, as he says, “You should do simple drills today.” 

“He starts on Monday,” Wymack called out. 

Kevin frowned, looking back at Coach, “He has missed practice for far too long —” “Monday,” Wymack firmly told him, “Now go unless you want to run in the marathon,” he ordered. The ex-raven isn't one who would back down from a fight to get what he wants, but Andrew calls for his attention, and he leaves the two alone to go to the goalkeeper. 

Coach glances at him, “Will you go to the hospital again?” 

“Yup,” he replied, his head leaning onto the chair. He doesn't want to get up from here. The voices of the Foxes in the background were strangely comforting to him, it made him feel safe. 

“The ERC must be a bitch right now to you, Coach,” he said to him, already knowing the truth about the pressure Wymack is receiving from the board of Exy right now. 

“Don't start on it,” Wymack grumbles, “It's not like I can pick someone up and bring him into the team right now.” 

“Uh,” Abraxas feels his heart thump in his chest, he wasn't sure if he should present the idea he had, he had already messed up so much about the plot of the book. But who gave a fuck anyway anymore, since he's already messing up, maybe, just maybe he should fuck it all up, he's so fucking tired of it all after all. 

Let it all be an unknown variable, this isn't The Raven King anymore, it's his life, his story now. He's going to rewire it all. He takes a deep breath in, before he blurts it all out, not allowing himself to second guess. 

“Actually, I might know someone with whom you can do exactly that.” 

Chapter Text

Officer Higgins' call left everyone on edge. Abraxas stares at the broken phone sprawled against the floor. He swallows, his mind replaying the words he read in The Raven King. Fuck. Shit was already on the fan, and it's starting to fall back on them now. He looks at the blonde and grits his teeth; he knows what the call was about. He's the only one except Andrew who knows the weight of this call and what has happened to the foster kids after Andrew left that damn place.

The call happened right before he could pitch his idea of bringing Connor here. He could only briefly hear Andrew telling Coach that he's leaving, the dare he gave Kevin to try and stop the boy, and he turns to go. Abraxas's feet make him stand up to follow after him, as if he was bound too.

He heard the rough, loud voice barking behind him, asking him where he was going. He didn't turn back, didn't reply, and simply followed behind Andrew, taking himself wherever he was going.

He knew the boy could feel his presence, his feet dragging a few steps behind. As they continue to walk, he quickly realizes they were heading towards the Fox Tower, back to the dorms. ‘Perhaps,’ he thinks, ‘Andrew is going to the roof to cool down.’ His thoughts are put to a sudden stop when Andrew turns to him, his hand equipped with a knife, the blade pressed against Abraxas's throat. 

“Want me to be your grim reaper?” Andrew said to him, a feral grin on his face, the anger barely disguised behind it. He recognized the distinct sharpness on his skin but could barely feel it; he was too busy checking his surroundings to see if anyone was there to report Andrew's behavior, but thankfully, barely anyone was around to see this at this hour.

The knife presses in harder, making him hiss, his eyes turning back to Andrew's honey hazel brown ones, raising an eyebrow at him. 

“Looking for a savior?” he mockingly questions, the smirk on his face extending, the amusement of his meds kicking in.

“Making sure there are no eyewitnesses,” Abraxas replied softly, “If you're going to slit my throat, don't be sloppy, Jaan .” 

“Fuck off,” he snarls, the smirk dropping from his face. “Don't call me that. Leave.”

Abraxas takes a step back; the knife doesn't follow him. “I won't ask anything,” he whispers, his teeth digging into his lower lip. He knows logically that Andrew needs his space and a spar with the Saint, also known as Renee. He knows he shouldn't have followed behind him, but how could he not? He would follow them to the end of the world, jump off cliffs, and drown in the sea. 

All of them, the Foxes, were his solace and escape from reality, but seeing and experiencing them firsthand, especially Neil and Andrew, is intoxicating . They make him believe life is worth living, and he'll do whatever he must to protect those lives. 

He should walk back or go to the dorm and call Coach to discuss Connor instead. Logically, he knows what he should do, but he can't make himself do it.

“Let me stay.” 

Andrew doesn't reply, turning his back on him, the knife disappearing below the black band of his arm where it belongs. It makes him look back on his own fading scars on his wrist, his legs helplessly making him follow the boy as he does. His eyes quickly flicker up to look back at a campus police staring at the pair, and his lips turn into a bright smile, hoping to assure the man that he wasn't threatened at knifepoint a second ago. They waited on the sidewalk, the same as mentioned in the book. 

Not a single word is passed between them, only the sounds of the cars and birds around them keeping them company. Sometimes he watches Andrew play around with the knives and wonders if he could ever do the same tricks. Abraxas doesn't even want to try, a hundred and ten percent sure it would end up with the knife within him somehow. 

Minutes pass like this; it's peaceful in a way he could never really express. He could spend forever with Andrew like this. Instead of silencing his brain, he should have thought out his next steps, but the seconds passing were too precious for him to waste. He deserved Abraxas's undivided attention.

Abraxas looks back briefly to see the Foxes getting closer with every step they take, and he wishes briefly he could turn back time so he could live the past few minutes again. But he has to prepare himself for the questions the Foxes want to shoot him down with. 

Andrew sat cross-legged on the curb, hands on his ankles as he watched their approach.

"You shouldn't be outside if you're coming down with something," Kevin said.

"Such concern." Andrew grinned at Kevin's cool tone. "Don't cry, Kevin. It's nothing a nap and some vitamin C can't fix.”

Nicky crouched in front of Andrew. "Hey. You good?” His eyes flicker to Abraxas with the question, not trusting Andrew with the answer. 

He gives him a slight nod in return. He was as good as he could be; with everything going up in flames, it was astonishing any of them were getting up from bed and kept functioning as human beings.

"You ask strange questions, Nicky."

"I'm concerned, is all."

"Sounds like your problem. Oh, there we go, finally.”

Andrew batted at Nicky's face in a silent order to get out of the way, so Nicky stood and stepped off to one side. Andrew waited until Dan, Matt, and Renee were close enough to hear him before lifting his hand in greeting and saying,

"Renee, you made it! Welcome back. I'm borrowing you. You don't mind, do you? I knew you wouldn't."

Renee nodded. "Do I need anything?"

"I've already got it.” He hops on his feet, ready to leave them to eat dust. Before he does, he turns to Abraxas, invading his space, grinning as he threatens him, “Next time they'll find you bleeding out if you follow behind me again, hare .” 

He shouldn't smile. He really shouldn't smile back at him, especially when he knows Andrew would follow through on his words. But he can't help it; the smile breaks out, brighter than the sun shining on them on this hot day, and an ‘okay, sure’ leaves his lips as he shrugs back at him. He would let Andrew stab him any day. 

Renee calls him back to her, and they walk away from them. He can feel the displeasure of the seniors wash over the entire group. He doesn't care. He will keep the ice bags ready for Renee when she comes back. 

“I didn't ask him anything,” he reveals before they could ask him anything unnecessary. He turns his back to them and heads towards the dorm, knowing they will follow him in a few minutes anyway. He needs to tell them about Connor, and he needs to figure out the upcoming bullshit regarding Higgs. ‘Connor first,’ he thought, ‘gotta fuck up this damn story as much as possible now.’ Abraxas Ajay Smith will spit in the face of the written fate; fucking watch him.

The rest of the Foxes find their way into the dormitory. The seniors were moving back in. Dan encouraged Matt to step in. Even with everyone present, it felt empty without Seth. They settled in as Nicky and Kevin arrived. Nicky came with a bottle of rum and an open bottle of cola. Abraxas helped Kevin by bringing glasses from the kitchen cabinet. He doesn't take one for Neil, and he starts making tea to quickly fill his cup with. They set the cups on the table, his cup filled with hot chai, and the remaining glasses ready to be filled with alcohol. 

“There's some leftover tea if you want some,” he lets Neil know, placing himself between Neil and Nicky. Nicky poured their drinks, passed them out, and raised his glass in a silent toast to the room. No one joined him, but Nicky didn't wait. He downed half his drink without coming up for air. Nicky topped it off with more rum as he looked at Seth's desk. They hadn't taken Seth's things; the desk and everything else remained. He hadn't disappeared; Coach had convinced the management that the boy still had a chance to wake up.

"So," Nicky started, sounding more than a little uncomfortable. "This is, uh."

Matt didn't give him time to figure it out. The look on his face said he wasn't ready to talk about Seth yet, especially not with Nicky. He dragged Nicky's attention back to a safer topic by saying, "Why didn't Aaron know he had a brother?"

Nicky winced, but Abraxas didn't know what bothered him more: the question or the rough edge in Matt's voice.

"They're twins," Nicky said. He waited for them to catch on, looked from one blank face to another, and frowned in disbelief. "Think about it for a sec, would you? Imagine you're my Aunt Tilda. How eager would you be to tell Aaron you gave up his brother at birth? She hoped that secret would stay buried forever."

"But Aaron found out," Neil said.

Nicky flashed Neil a tight-lipped smile. "Yeah, and that's why I believe in fate. See, Aaron was born and raised in San Jose. Apparently Aunt Tilda got bored of dating locally and started going to online matching sites. Right after Aaron turned thirteen, Aunt Tilda hooked up with this new guy up in Oakland. Her boyfriend thought they should meet at a Raiders game, something nice and public and fun, so she stuffed Aaron in the car, and off they went.

"Aaron said he was at the concession stand when this cop walked up, calling him Andrew and talking like they knew each other. Aaron thought he was either crazy or confused, but it didn't take the cop long to figure out something was wrong."

"Higgins," Matt guessed.

"Yeah. Soon as Higgins figured out he had the wrong brother, he made Aaron take him back to where Aunt Tilda was. See, Higgins thought Aunt Tilda was another foster mother and that Aaron and Andrew had somehow gotten split up in the system. Higgins wanted to reunite them, so Aunt Tilda gave him her phone number to pass along and took Aaron home again.

"I don't know why she bothered. Maybe she was too embarrassed to say no or didn't want to explain to a cop what was going on. Either way, Andrew's foster mother called the next day to set up a meet-and-greet, and Aunt Tilda refused. She told the fosters she didn't want anything to do with Andrew, didn't want to know what he was like or how he was doing, nothing. She even made them promise to not contact her ever again."

Nicky finished his second drink and mixed a third. "But Aaron knew who was calling, and he was too excited to wait on his mom to hang up to find out the details. As soon as she picked up in the kitchen, he ran to her bedroom and listened in on the upstairs phone. That's how he found out the truth." Nicky looked down at his drink. "Aaron said it was the worst day of his life."

"Jesus," Matt said. "I don't blame him. Did he tell her he'd heard her?"

"Oh, yeah. Aaron said they had it out. But Aunt Tilda wouldn't budge, so Aaron went behind her back and called the Oakland PD. He found the PAL coordinators and gave them his information to give to Andrew. Two weeks later he got a letter in the mail that basically said, 'Fuck you, go away'."

Matt rubbed at his temples. "Yeah, that sounds like Andrew."

"Some things never change," Nicky said.

"So how'd Aaron change Andrew's mind?" Dan asked.

Nicky gave her an odd look. "He didn't."

"Wait," Dan said. "What do you mean, he didn't?"

"I mean, he didn't try again. I don't know who told Andrew's foster parents about Aaron, if it was Andrew or this Phil guy, but Andrew's foster mom wrote Aaron a letter. She wanted Aaron to try again in spring and said something about holidays being rough and there being a lot of changes at the house. So Aaron waited, but he waited too long. In March Andrew went off to juvie, and Aaron started rethinking this brother thing. Two months later Aunt Tilda sold the house in San Jose and moved Aaron to Columbia."

Dan looked bewildered. "Then when did they meet?"

"Dad found out about Andrew five years ago, so…" Nicky counted time on his fingers. "Four and a half years ago, give or take a bit. Dad went to California to interview Andrew's foster family and stop by juvie. A month later he flew Aaron out so Aaron and Andrew could talk, but I don't count that half-hour supervised session as a first meeting. They met for real when Andrew made early parole a year later and Dad bullied Aunt Tilda into bringing Andrew home."

Nicky nursed his drink for a bit. "Weird when you think about it, right? They've only really known each other for three years."

"That's messed up," Matt said.

"Yeah, and that's the nice version of the story," Nicky said. "Anyway, that's how Aaron and Andrew know Higgins. I don't know why he's calling Andrew now, but I'm not going to ask. I kind of view Andrew's foster life as an off-limits topic. I don't bring it up until he does."

"Is that really okay?" Dan asked. "It didn't sound like a 'long time no see' kind of phone call. What if someone's dug up some past crime of his that could get him taken off our court? Maybe Phil was calling to warn him about an investigation."

"Andrew will take care of it," Nicky said.

"That's not comforting," Dan said, but she let it drop.

“It's going to be alright, Dan,” Abraxas tries to reassure the captain. “If anything happens, we will figure it out.” 

She nods back at him, not completely convinced of his words. “We should order something to eat,” she said, changing the subject. A quick look at Kevin convinced them he would protest against the greasy food they wanted. “Let me cook something up,” he found himself saying, getting up while taking his empty cup with him.

“Are you up for it?” Nicky asked, following him with his eyes, his expression somewhere between pleased and curious. Abraxas shrugged, “You can help if you want.” Nicky accepts, and the pair head to the kitchen to make khichuri . 

“This can be considered as one of the soul foods of Bangladesh,” he begins to say, as he puts some rice in a bowl with water to rinse it and make sure it's clean before cooking it. “Mom…” He stops briefly, the water overflowing in the bowl of rice; he turns the faucet off. 

“She… used to make it a lot,” he tells Nicky, his voice quiet and heavy, the words barely a whisper as he remembers her. He blinks the memories of her away as he starts the fire to boil the rice and orders the boy beside him to take out several ingredients. 

They don't talk much, too busy moving around the kitchen and making sure nothing is burned or too salty as they cook, and maybe also Hemmick, for once in his life, knew when to shut up for a second. He convinced Nicky to make lemonade for them all, and he listened without a word of protest. They still hadn't talked about Connor. Abraxas knew the conversation was coming soon, but cooking helped to calm his jitters down. The rice constantly needed to be stirred, onions had to be cut and fried, lentils had to be put in with the rice, and spices had to be added. The dish required his full attention; he was grateful for the distraction, and soon the aroma of it spread around the dorm. The Foxes started coming one by one to take a peek at the kitchen.

It was over all too soon, and they began to plate up for all of them. “Don't knock it till you try it,” he said as he handed them their plate one by one. Everyone was on the floor, the plate on their laps, hot and ready to be devoured. Matt is the first to take a spoonful of the lentil rice. 

“Mm, this is good,” he smiles at Abraxas, swallowing down the food. He smiles back at him, “It's tastier with chicken gravy; I'll make it next time when I have the chance.”

The food is met with various levels of approval. Matt and Dan seemed to like it, Kevin played around with the spoon more than not but ate it nonetheless. He couldn't get a read on Neil, he was simply eating it like he would eat anything else, because for him the taste seemingly doesn't matter as long as the food does its job of giving the runaway the energy. Nicky bumped his shoulder with his and told him with a grin, “You should cook more often.” 

“Maybe. I left some for Aaron and Andrew,” he lets the boy know, pointing to their respective plates on the counter of the kitchen. “There's enough for Renee and Allison as well.” After the plates were cleared off their food and his hands washed, as he was the only one who ate with his hand, he would make Neil do the dishes later while he sat down again with the Foxes. None of them were starting the conversation he was steeling himself for. So he decided to get over it himself. 

“So about Connor—”

“I don't want any more useless players on the court,” Kevin butts in, sharp with his words, cutting into Abraxas as he continues, “I already have two to deal with.” He brings up two fingers as he talks, furrowing his eyebrows.

Abraxas winces, but he continues forward. “He's good, okay?” His words sound desperate, a high-pitched whine of a teenager edging to a temper tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants. 

He clenched his jaw. “He's good,” he finds himself repeating. “What's the worst that can happen, Kevin? Even if we don't take him in, you're still stuck with two useless fuckers nonetheless, and we need one more player."

“Let's go over this weekend,” Abraxas decided. “Me and the monsters will watch him play and test him out. He fits the criteria of the Foxes; he will fit right in. I am sure Coach can figure out all of the complex shit.” He continues after letting out a heavy sigh, his shoulders sagging down, and he fidgets his fingers around on his lap, “If he increases the chance of winning by 0.1%, we should take it.” 

Matt pitches in, “What's the worst that can happen?” He shrugged, “Everyone higher up is giving Coach a hard time, getting a new guy would let some people off his back.”

Dan agrees with him. He's grateful for the support he receives from the captain. Everyone can feel the venom in Kevin's voice as he agrees. “This is a waste of time, and you'll regret ever picking up a racket.” He felt chills down his spine, the green eyes pinning him down as he gulped down in fear. The prodigy would turn the court into the last circle of hell, but not if Connor comes. And he will be there in the Foxhole court after the weekend. At least that's what Abraxas prays for. 

After the monsters leave, the seniors briefly talk to him and Neil, about keeping one foot in and another out with the monsters. He hums, agreeing with whatever they're saying while packing food for Allison in a tupperware to bring to the hospital. Dan was going to come with him, as he wasn't going to stay for long tonight, and someone should be there with her when he comes back. 

A sharp knock is heard at the door. He already knew who it would be, so he decided to take the ice pack out while Matt opened the door. Renee was waiting in the hallway. Matt stepped out of the way to let her in. Dan cursed quietly at Neil's side as they watch walk in with a limp.

"I really wish you wouldn't do this," Dan said.

"I know," Renee replied.

She eased onto the cushion Matt had abandoned while Abraxas came through the kitchen to hand her the ice pack. Renee smiled as she took it and pressed it to the knuckles on her right hand. Pain pulled at the corner of her mouth, but her expression was otherwise calm and soft as she flexed her fingers. “Thanks,” he whispers to her, not sure if she heard it. Thank you for being there for Andrew. His shoulders straighten up, and he heads back to the kitchen to put the tupperware into a bag. He waits by the door, listening to the conversation happening between Dan and Renee. 

"Tell me if this is going to be a problem," Dan said.

Renee shook her head. "Not for us. Whatever it is, it's strictly personal. He'll be back on the court tomorrow."

Abraxas knew Neil wondered what alternate universe he'd stumbled into. "Andrew hit you."

"A couple times," Renee said. "I forgot how fast he is when he's high.”

"Renee and Andrew are sparring partners," Matt said.

The conversation quiets down after this is revealed. Neil, not knowing what to say further, continues to dissect the mystery of the saint in front of him through his eyes. 

"I am a born-again, Neil. Andrew is not interested in my faith; he is interested in the person I was before. He and I have more in common than you think. That is why I make you uncomfortable, isn't it?"

Dan and Matt sent Neil curious looks at that. "You make me uncomfortable because you don't make sense. I don't understand you."

"You could ask," Renee said.

"Is it really that easy?" Neil asked.

"I'm not proud of my past, but I can't heal if I hide it. When you think you are ready to trust me, let me know. I don't want it to be a problem between us. We can get a cup of coffee and talk about anything you like. Right now, though…" Renee braced her good hand against the arm of the couch and got to her feet. "All I want is a hot shower and my bed. I'm exhausted.”

Dan then further asks if Renee is going to be okay and lets her know she will be going to the hospital with him. When it's confirmed she's going to be alright, he starts tugging on his shoes. “Bye, guys,” he waves them a small goodbye, with Dan following a step behind him as they leave for the hospital. 

───※ ·❆· ※───

The sharp claws of insomnia grip Abraxas's mind. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to calm down his body, but there's no button he can push to initiate an emergency shutdown. The next best thing he could do was imagine the scariest thing possible in the corner of his dark room. He forces himself to think that if he opens his eyes, he will look at a bloody red demon face-to-face, and no one wants to make conversation with the spawn of Satan at 3:00 am. It prompts him to keep his eyes closed, begging for sleep to overwhelm his mind, yet his thoughts keep running the mill, unable to rest on his bed. He accepts his fate in the darkness, lying on the mattress with no sleep welcoming him in the next few hours.

It had only been a couple of hours since he convinced Wymack to give Connor a chance. It might have felt like Seth was getting replaced, but everyone knew if the boy ever woke up, his place in the Foxes would be ready for him to step into it. No doubt about it. The plan was to go over this Friday, after evening practice; they would fly to Abraxas’ town, stay the night at a motel, and then get a car to get to Connor’s. 

Simple, right?

Except Abraxas couldn't bring himself to text Connor about all of this. He could simply hope when it comes down to it he would be able to deal with it. There's no point stressing about it now. No , what he needs is for his mind to sleep, even if the time slowly trickles down to being four am and then just as suddenly it's six am. His mind worked through the variables about how horribly this could go wrong. He ended up taking his phone out to read the day-old texts between them. He gnaws at his lips before typing out, ‘Gonna come over this week.’

Friday comes in a blink of an eye. Before he knows it, he's packing a bag with a day's worth of clothes and making sure to keep enough space for the stuff he wanted to take back from his family's house. He slings a bag on his shoulder. The phone in his jeans reminded him he hadn't checked Connor’s reply for the past few days, letting his phone go off when he called. He knew how worrying it might have seemed, as he was never the one not to text in a few hours, even if it was just to say he was busy and would text later. He could feel his heart in his throat, a silent panic running through his veins as he thinks, ‘This is going to end up as a fuck-up too because that's all I am capable of. Fuck.’ His throat is dry, and he finds a water bottle on his bed. It's half full, and he chugs it down eagerly despite it having the slightest salty taste to it. “Let's get this over with,” he whispers to himself, ready to go and get Connor into the team and hope he's good enough as a Dealer.