Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Do you want to break up?” Connor asked, his voice coming through the laptop screen, his eyes teary and pleading to not give up on what they had, on them.

“Do you?” Jude retorted, his own eyes filled with tears. He didn't want to, at all. He loved Connor, he was sure about that. It was the whole situation that was just bigger than them.

“No.. of course not, I love you.” As soon as the words left Connor's lips, the tears -already running- over Jude's cheeks reached his lips. They tasted like salt and pain, so much pain.

“I- I don't think that's enough, Connor.” Jude said, letting out a deep breath, wiping the wetness underneath his eyes. “I'm so tired..”
“J-Jude.. don't do this over a skype call, please. If you're about to break up with me, you have to do it in person! You owe me that!”
“W-wh..”

“I'll talk to my parents and I'll come to San Diego tomorrow.” The resolution in Connor's tone made Jude flinch.

“Don't be insane, Connor. You have school and soccer's pratice.. you can just drop all of it and-”

“I'll see you tomorrow.” Jude blinked few times when the screen suddenly turned black.

“Fuck..” Jude sighed as he got up from his bed. His legs were weak like jelly, he felt like his whole body was numb and consumed by the pain.

He quickly undressed, putting his pijamas on, before tucking underneath the sheets.

The following day would have been the day of reckoning, and Jude dreaded the moment Connor would have stepped one last time into his room.

*****

The following morning, Jude woke up pretty early, not that he'd that much of sleep anyway.

He kept twisting and turning underneath the sheets, thinking about what was going to happen and how would have felt when finally, after three months he would have seen Connor's face once again, not behind a screen anyway.

“Good morning bubba.” Lena said brightly, kissing his cheek.

“Why are you up this early?” It was sunday so there was no school on that day, Jude looked at her with sadness in his eyes before telling her. “Connor's coming here..”

Lena's face brightened with light but her smile quickly faded away when she noticed that her son wasn't as enthusiastic as she was about the incoming visit of the blond boy.

“That's awesome, bubba! But W-why aren't you happy about this?” She gasped when tears were falling over her son's distressed face. “Baby..” She hugged him and she wrapped her arms around him tighter when she felt him shaking between her arms.

“Love..”

Jude held onto her mom's embrace as tighter as he could, he needed strenght knowing that what was going to happen in a matter of minutes would have taken him apart.

“It's gonna be okay...” Jude sobbed as he pulled away from her hug. “It won't be.”
Lena cupped his face into her hands, caressing his cheeks. “It will be.. love-”
“It wont.” Jude insisted, sniffing as a groan escaped out of his lips. “I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to live in hope. I want him here, with me!” Jude was aware that his tone was slightly whiny and that what he was complaining about stood against everything he'd professed to Connor before his departure, but that was mostly his head talking, knowing that Connor deserved to live in a place where he would have been accepted for who he was.

His heart wanted to be full again, he wanted attention, he wanted him back.

The doorbell rang and Jude felt his heart hammering against his chest, Nothing in those past months prepared him for that moment. When he opened the door and he was met with Connor's pleading eyes.. he felt like his heart stopped functioning.

“Jude...” There were no greetings, no 'Hey how have you been? Long time no see..' nothing of that, there was only his Connor, throwing himself into Jude's arms.

“Jude. Jude. Jude.” Connor kept saying his name, filled with desperation and pleas. Jude relaxed into his arms, lacing his hands behind Connor's neck, slowly caressing the blond strands at the nape of his neck. He hide his face into Connor's hair, smelling the astonishing essence of his shampoo, caressing his hair, clinging to him. He'd missed that warmth, that closeness, the feeling of reality that a computer screen could never provide.

He closed his eyes taking in all of those wonderful details, letting his body lean into the touch of Connor's fingertips, stroking his skin from underneath his shirt or the way his hair were tickling his face or his lips were brushing his cheek. He sighed happily savouring the moment before, once again, he had to give that up.

That last thought made Jude snap back into reality, hitting him like a glacial shower on a winter day.

He pulled away, avoiding Connor's eyes as he stepped back into his house.
“Come inside.. we need to talk.” He held the door open for Connor, and as soon as he stepped through the threeshold, Jude gestured him to go upstairs in his room.

******

He let out a loud sigh, leaning against the door frame as support, as soon as they both had stepped inside.

Connor gave a nostalgic sigh, looking around himself and noticing that nothing had changed, nothing but the two of them.

“Connor.” The way Jude said his name, made him turn around immediately. “Jude.” It was inevitable, they both were stalling but they needed to talk it through. They needed clarity.

“Jude.. I love you, I can't imagine how it's gonna be if-” He couldn't even finish his sentence, because the thought of it made him feel like his lungs were completely deprived of air.

Jude exhaled sharply, looking at the floor, still leaning against the door.

“It's not like we have a choice, Connor.” I wish we had. Jude thought, feeling completely drained out.

“We do!” Connor cried out, taking few steps forward. “Of course we do!”

“And what would that be?” Jude retorted, finally pulling away from the door, meeting him halfway, until they were facing each other. “Huh?! It's just.. too hard.”

“Do you love me?!” Connor's question hit him like a kick in the stomach.

“Of course I do!” Jude's voice was filled with outrage. Did he seriously think loving him was the problem?
“Then... why would you do this to me.” Connor's eyes were looking at him almost in disdain, filled with a sorrow shadown creeping through them. “ Why would you do that to you.”

“I-..” Jude didn't know the answer to that question, if he had to be completely honest. It wasn't his feelings the real issue, it was the question haunting him throughout those months. “In the long run our love we'll be as strong as it is now?Will all this pain and all of these sacrificies be worthy?”

“I will ask you just one more time Jude, and I swear this time it's for good.” Jude gulped, feeling his throat getting sore and his chest feeling heavier than it'd ever been.

“Do you want to break up?”
They looked into each other's eyes for what felt like an eternity, when he felt like finally something shifted within him Jude closed his eyes, letting out a deep breath.

*****************

It took a while to Jude to find his inner peace again - almost six years to be honest- when he'd found out that his miserable sufferance and pain could have been avoided by the inappropriate comsumption of alcohool.

He was nineteen and couldn't focus on anything beside the lifetime regret of letting go the best thing that ever happend to him, six years before.

He couldn't find peace within himself, it had become an obssesion that hardly allowed him to focus on anything else.

He dropped out of College and he'd found a job at the filthiest and stinkiest pub in the whole San Diego as bartender. It was so easy, and considering his affection towards booze he thought he'd found his dream job.

His moms were very disappointed in him for how he'd handled everything; College, friendships, family. He gave up on the love of his life so he thought it was legit to give up on everything else.

“You're a dick, Jude!” Callie yelled one day through the phone. Jude just laughed, sipping on his third glass of  bourbon. “don't give a fuck.” He said to his sister.

Callie hadn't talk to him for a week, that until her maternal instinct took over the rage she was feeling towards her brother and she showed up on his threeshold. “You need to pull youself together, Jude!” It was her lucky day, apparently, because Jude was oddly sober and overwelmed by his regrets.

“I screwed up. I screwed up.” He kept repeating, as he cried into her sister's arms.

“It's okay, Jude... we love you, please come home.”

“I miss him. Callie, I screwed up.” He kept sobbing and crying, as pain was consuming his body.

“God, I miss him.”
“Jude.. it's been six years.” His sister tried to say, but Jude quickly cut her off shaking his head in denial.
“I will always feel like this.” He cried, lashing out on Callie's blouse. “It will never get better.”

“It will.. You'll find another guy and-”

“I don't want another guy!” A loud groan came through Jude's vocal chords. It was so sharp and guttural that it caused a pain in his throat. “I don't want anyone else! I just want him!”

Callie was looking at him with wide eyes and when her gaze shifted on the broken vase shattered on the floor, Jude realized he'd stepped over the line.

He looked down at the broken pieces shattered on the floor and when he felt Callie getting up from the couch and quietly heading towards the front door, he did Nothing to stop her.

He was aware that was a stalker move but his soul needed peace, he needed to let it go, to let him go..

He knocked three times and finally someone opened the door.

“Hi.” A cute, smiling guy said to Jude.

“Hello.” Jude replied politely, subtly trying to steal a peek inside of the apartment.
“Can I help you?”
Jude glanced at the name signed under the doorbell. 'Stevens' yes.. the place was right, his presence there was wrong, so wrong.

“Babe what's wrong?” Jude closed his eyes, feeling it sting as an unbearable pain started spreading through his whole body. It was unmistakably Connor's voice. He would have recognized it among million of people.
“Are you okay?” The guy said, taking a step towards Jude, noticing how pale he'd became and how his legs were trembling.

“I'm okay.. I shouldn't be here” He heard footsteps approaching and before Connor could have made an appearance, he decided it was just better to take off.

He run as fast as he could, trying to not be thinking about the weird out expression on Connor's boyfriend or how pathetic he'd felt for thinking that maybe there still was a chance for them.

He stepped outside of the building, looking at the grey sky realizing that it was time to let it go.. it was time to let the light creeping in, it was time to forget Connor Stevens ever existed, even though Jude was well aware that he would have never achieved that aim.

Meeting Connor Stevens was a lifetime chance and Jude wasted that chance, big time. Maybe in another life or in another universe, Jude thought, I will make the right decision.

**

Jude's eyes snapped open, looking at the boy standing few feets away from him with deep confusion flashing across his face.

He instinctively lifted his hand up and, as soon as it touched the smooth skin on Connor's cheek, Jude closed his eyes, letting out a sigh of relief. It was all real.

“Do you want to break up?” Connor's voice was quietly asking, Jude looked up and his eyes were silently begging him to not leave him, to have faith in them.

“No.” Jude breathed out as a wide smile spread on his lips, noticing Connor's stunned expression.

“Con?”

“Yeah?”
“I will wait for you, as long as it takes.”

Connor nodded, letting out a loud sigh of relief as his hand cupped Jude's face. He rested his forehead against Jude, closing his eyes as Jude's words were filling his senses.

“I love you, Con.. I'm so sorry.”

“It's okay..” Connor replied, opening his eyes and staring deeply into Jude's.
“Don't give up on me.” Jude pleaded him as tears were filling his eyes. Connor's eyes widened as he softly whispered him back. “I never gave up on you and I never will. I love you, so much Jude.”

Jude nodded, lifting on his toes and connecting his salty lips with Connor's. Connor closed his eyes, as the feeling of Jude's lips were finally making him feel at home.