Chapter Text
Rumi’s POV
It’s 3 AM. I should be asleep. I shouldn’t be staring at the ceiling. But I can’t help it. I can’t sleep, not when it’s been a week since all that happened, and I’m still not over it.
I sit up in my bed. There’s no use pretending I’m gonna sleep right now, or that he’s not on my mind, lurking in the corners. His face, his stupid eyes, everything about him is still stuck to my skin in these patterns. These patterns I used to hate but now serve as a reminder of him I can’t help but love. I hate that I still remember the look on his face as he protected me one last time, as Gwi-Ma split him apart, and as he gave me his soul. He was so close to having everything he’d wanted, his memory wiped.
I step onto the carpet around my bed, trying not to let the hardwood creak under the carpet. After walking onto the hardwood, I’m convinced that the hardwood won’t make a sound. I’m not really focused on that anymore. I’m guessing that Mira and Zoey are deep sleepers, considering that when I’d sneak out to see Jinu, they wouldn’t notice
I pace quietly, from one wall to the other. Out to the balcony. Back inside. Jinu. Beautiful, stupid, Jinu. My friend? I guess friends is a complicated term, but it fits. Does it? I don’t know.
I silently draw my blade. It illuminates the faded patterns on my arms. We’ve started telling fans that they’re tattoos.
I wonder how Jinu feels. His soul’s still there. In the blade. I run my finger across the blade, ignoring the burn of it. Because somewhere in my head, I’m touching Jinu’s face. Or he’s grabbing my wrist again.
Tears sting my eyes, just barely. The sword glows under my touch.
When he was here, I almost didn’t appreciate him. I almost didn’t want him around, until he voiced his sympathies.
He was the first person to tell me I’m not a mistake. And now, I know I’m crying, because that first person shouldn’t have been him, it should’ve been Celine. But even when I talked to her, it was like she just wanted me to be anything but who I was.
The first person to truly understand me, is gone… and Mira and Zoey will always sympathize. They love me, they’re my sisters, but they’ll never get it. Get what it’s like to be ashamed of your own skin, of your own DNA. They’ll never understand how it feels to wish you were dead, to ask someone to kill you because you’ve always been ashamed of everything you are.
I sniffled, a sob catching in my throat as I muffled it. I never really gave myself time to grieve Jinu.
Celine would’ve told me to never show weakness. But screw what Celine told me. Actually, screw Celine. If Celine had let me tell Mira and Zoey, things wouldn't have gotten nearly as messy as they did.
I mean, does it even really count as showing weakness if I’m crying to myself and my sword?
The sword slightly glows brighter, and it feels like a bit of comfort. I can’t explain it, but it feels like the sword is a part of Jinu, and the sword glowing is like a warm hug I never really got from him.
I wipe my tears, tired from the emotional turmoil of my grief.
There’s a soft knock at my door, and I jump. I walk over to the door and open it, setting my sword on the floor, , and I see Mira standing there, looking sleepy.
“I heard you crying when I woke up for a snack,” Mira whispered.
I swallowed and hesitantly nodded. Mira didn’t say anything more, she just hugged me. She didn’t ask why I was crying, she didn’t get annoyed that I kept her awake, she just hugged me.
Finally, Mira pulls away after a couple minutes. “Sleep or talk?” she asked.
My thoughts raced. Should I tell her? She knows a bit about Jinu, but I never went into detail about how much we worked together. How strongly I emotionally bonded to him before the betrayal, and how his sacrifice broke me more than I’d ever show. How that one single tear as he gave his soul for me was a facade, and how I felt so much more. So much deeper.
Finally, I whispered, “Talk.”
I swallowed, preparing myself. My eyes closed, blocking everything out for a moment. Mira, for all her bravado and coldness, is fiercely loyal. She guides me to the edge of my bed and pulls me into her arms. She doesn’t like physical touch, but I know she’d break that rule a billion times over for me and Zoey.
“…I miss Jinu,” I whispered. “I- I keep replaying the moment he sacrificed himself for me, the moment I lost him, the moment he gave me his soul. He gave me his soul, just so I wouldn’t die. He was so close to having everything he wanted, and yet he chose to exist forever as a soul, painful memories and all, just so I wouldn’t die. I keep staring at my sword like I wish it was him, knowing his soul is in there. He was the first person to know I was part demon, after Celine.” I sniffled, probably leaking snot onto Mira’s sweatshirt. “In that first battle in the bathhouse, he cut open my sleeve and saw my patterns. I had him pinned with my sword against the wall, but… he saw my patterns, and I froze up. He overpowered me. He pulled me into a hug, and when he let go, a cloth was tied around my arm. I didn’t know what to think.”
I sigh through my tears.I know I’m soaking Mira’s shirt, and somewhere in the back of my mind I wonder how my tears haven’t run out. I know she doesn’t understand, but she cares anyway. And that’s why she’s my sister, through and through.
“After that, he sent a demon tiger and a crow after me. This stupid tiger,” I chuckled through my tears. “kept knocking over a plant, and then trying to fix it, unsuccessfully. I fixed it, and it knocked over again. The tiger opened its mouth, and one of those stupid cards came out. ‘Hello friend!’ Like I was ever Jinu’s friend. Idiot. At first, when he said to meet him, I was like, ‘Hell no.’ But the tiger teleported, and I figured if it would lead me to him, I could kill him, right? Instead, I beheaded a mannequin, and then pinned Jinu with the tip of my sword. I tried to get at him, but he kept dodging, like ‘I just wanna talk about your patterns!’ Or whatever. And then he insulted my pajamas.” I scoffed. “Like, who does that?” I chuckled again, the tears drying as a weird affection rose in my chest. “In hindsight, it was kinda funny. I, naturally, tried to kill him again. But he stopped me by saying he could’ve told you guys what I was, but didn’t. And that’s how I finally got into a conversation where I found out that he had feelings. That he wasn’t some… soulless monster.”
Tears stung my eyes again.
“I thought so too, that he had no feelings,” Mira said gently. “Until I saw how he sacrificed himself for you. But at the end of the day, it’s us or them. Hunters or demons, even if it’s not the demons' fault.”
I swallow back a sob. “I know. I know, but it’s not fair. He told me how Gwi-Ma controlled him before you guys and I ever experienced it. Your doubts, your fears, your regrets. Favors, and a voice in your ear reminding you of who you are, but only the negatives. He told me a lie about his story, which was that he made a deal with Gwi-Ma for his voice, which he could then use to sleep and eat in the palace with his family. Turns out, the deal was just for himself. He had to live with that shame of leaving his family behind. Even though it was for different reasons, his shame in having the patterns matched mine, as a reminder,” I whispered.
“You have no reason to be ashamed of the patterns. Zoey and I, we weren’t mad you were part-demon, we were mad you lied. Over and over. But I now see why. It’s okay, Rumi,” Mira whispered back.
I swallowed. “He told me I could tell him about the shame, about my feelings. That he’d understand. But I didn’t. I didn’t trust him yet. He told me he was the only person who could understand. And he was right. You and Zoey can sympathize. But you don’t feel my pain, my shame. You never have, and I never want you to. But, I told him I was nothing like him, despite the doubts screaming in my head.” I bit my lip. “Then, there was the whole meet and greet mess. He kept mentioning how I hadn’t told you guys. And then he told me the real reason he was helping Gwi-Ma. Gwi-Ma would erase his memories if he broke the honmoon. That the voices would be gone. I told him he was pathetic, and he simply threw my secret back in my face again. He was doing what I hated. He was getting under my skin. I stomped his foot, and told him I hate my patterns and all demons and Gwi-Ma, and he told me if hate could kill, Gwi-Ma would’ve died to his hand.”
A smile graced my features as I remembered what went on next. “This kid, this sweet kid, gave Jinu a drawing. And he was so surprised, like he’d never been treated like that, never been complimented. I wouldn’t admit it then, but it was kinda cute.” I let out a sound between a laugh and a sob. “You know what happened next. I told him that maybe those are the voices he should be listening to. That drawing said ‘Jinu, you have a beautiful soul.’” My voice cracked, as if it wasn’t already soft enough. “And when he sacrificed himself, he said I gave him his soul back. That’s why he gave me his-“ I sobbed softly again. Why wouldn’t my tears stop? Why weren’t they over? The sword continued to sit on the floor where I’d left it, and as I looked at it, it glowed again. I swallowed, and then continued.
“There was a second meeting, this time I asked for it. He showed up thinking it was a date, because he’s an idiot, and I pitched him a plan. He’d help us win the idol awards, but if he was on this side of the honmoon when it went golden, he’d be human again. He’d be rid of Gwi-Ma. And that was the first time I told him that I was a mistake. He was the first to tell me I wasn’t. Celine always told me to cover up, to hide, and treated me like a secret. He didn’t. Some random lady thought we were dating, and gave me a bracelet. When she saw how we argued, she told me he was hopeless, but I told him that nobody could choose whether someone feels hope. I offered him the bracelet. He didn’t take it, until I started to walk away, and he grabbed my wrist, took the bracelet. Then we fought the demons on that train. Afterwards, I met Jinu again, told him more about my patterns, and how they stopped affecting my voice after I met him. He promised me he’d help the Saja Boys lose. Then he stabbed me in the back, and I felt wrecked. I hated him until the last moment. Until he sacrificed himself. Until I watched him get dissolved by Gwi-Ma as he gave me his soul. He gave me everything. He messed up over and over again, and yet through it all he still is the reason I’m still standing. I’d be dead if it wasn’t for him.” I started crying even harder. “I know until now neither you or Zoey understood my emotional connection to him, not really. You didn’t know, but now you do. You know about every small moment…”
Mira rubbed my back gently. “It’s okay, Rumi. It’s okay.”
I finally calm down, my head pounding from sobbing, but I feel tired enough to sleep. “Mira, I’m okay now.” I whispered. “You can go to sleep.”
Mira nodded, squeezed me tight, and then let go. I climbed off the bed, and picked my sword up off the floor. She looked back once, then walked out of my room.
The sword glowed in my hands again as I looked at it. I press a sad kiss to the handle, before sheathing the blade. I lie down on my side, my braid behind my head, that I never take out except to wash.
I closed my eyes, falling into a deep slumber, Jinu’s face still in my head.