Chapter Text
your heart sits neatly in flower wrap; cellophane and kraft paper working overtime to heal every crack and bruise, tightly binding each wound to fight the swelling that seems to keep worsening.
and when you lay your eyes on her on this night, it just about bursts. buried beneath all the bouquet wrap is teenage angst that rustles and bristles and this time, you're defenceless against it.
your heart breaks all over again. nine years gone, and it's fresher than ever.
from a bird's nest of red hair, guarded by freckles smattered over each millimetre of skin, those eyes peeked up at you, evergreen and fresh.
"song ideas? anyone? anythin'?"
you looked around, begrudgingly. people you haven't seen in months, even years, sat on the picnic blanket with legs crossed and a monopoly board seconds away from being flipped. payton, lauren, adam, and cat, participating in the great debate over paper finances.
"they're not even aware that we're here, are they?" ellie asked, a low chuckle sounding as you looked back at her. "ah hell, what's the point in me playin' this thing if they aren't even gonna listen?"
"well, i'm listening," you insisted. how could you have not? she didn't need a guitar in her lap for you to listen, nor her fingers on the strings. her voice—like gravel on the path to happiness, a smoky-smooth texan drawl—could have been the soundtrack to forever if you had any say in it.
"you always are," ellie agreed, nodding. she shot you a charming grin, "i'd be talkin' to thin air all the time if it weren't for you."
you smiled back, although your cheeks felt weak, and ellie began to play another little tune. your attention, of which she had always commanded, was stolen for a moment when finally the board game went up in the air, pawns, cards, and dice strewn over the checkered blanket.
"i've had enough, i'm starting dinner, go fuck yourselves." lauren stood and wiped her jeans down, heading towards the mini-fridge to grab the barbecue meat. she flipped the bird back in the group's direction when cat, payton, and adam teased her.
"sore loser, that's what she is," adam said.
you were fresh graduates, enjoying summer nights by the lake in celebration of earning your high school diplomas. you had survived what you thought would be the worst years of your life, but now you know better; these years were just the beginning of life's trials, and it would soon be worse.
this trip was the happiest you had ever been, although perhaps it was placebo provided by the calm of the lake and the silence of the woods. you were growing impossibly content with your life and the future ahead of you. innocent, hoping, naïve.
if there was any driving factor behind it all, it was ellie.
if you had felt ignored, ellie would be the one to glance at you. if you had felt shut down, or hurt, or unloved, ellie would be the one to change it.
and the fondness you felt was your little secret. and cat's.
"how's it hanging over here?" cat asked cheerfully, scooting over to where you and ellie sat. "all alone. i am sorry we left you alone with her, ellie, must be boring, yeah?"
you looked down at your lap and felt an imbalance between the evening breeze on your cheeks and the embarrassment shooting up your spine. cat had always been like that. the most confusing best friend—it felt as though she didn't even like you at times.
and when you had told her you had feelings for someone, she was sorely shocked. it was a blow to your self esteem, that she seemed to think you were not worthy of loving anyone, even despite having been privy to your romantic tendencies in the past.
every item you owned was heart-shaped or donning the pattern. every book you read featured the most epic of romances, every movie that brought you to tears would depict it. you were a fan of fairy tales growing up and now, who could blame you for craving ’the one' after being raised on disney princesses?
when you told her it was ellie that you loved, in great trust of who you considered your closest friend, cat acted like it was the funniest joke she had ever heard.
"boring? nah. we're fine." ellie proceeded to play her guitar—or tried to. cat would not stop talking after this. her voice was in your ears like the ring of a bell, ellie nodding along, 'mm'ing and 'ah'ing.
by the time dusk began, lauren was planting juicy steaks and sausages on the foldout table like a buffet.
"admit it, i'm the best cook on the planet," lauren boasted, standing with her hands on her hips as you all raided like vultures.
"pretty good, but a cookout doesn't get any better than joel's. he makes some pretty solid shit on the grill."
"stop talking about your dad for five minutes, will you?" adam scowled at ellie.
"just 'cause you ain't got one, doesn't mean i have to stop talking about m—"
"you're adopted!"
"at least someone wanted me." ellie snorted. you remember the way she scrunched up her nose and cackled at the guy, then passed you the tongs so you could fill your plate.
you kept to yourself, loading up some bread and meat onto your place, and the voice that still haunts you piped up.
"jesus, are you really having that much? you don't think that's a little bit too much?"
you stood still and looked at cat. her plate was much emptier, a few leaves of lettuce next to a small steak. it looked more than just unappetising to you, but when you checked your own plate, you couldn't help giving in. after all, cat said that quite loudly. you didn't want anybody else to see how little you could control yourself.
so you started putting some of it back, hoping that nobody but cat knew.
"i'm just looking out for you," she said. "you know that, right?"
you nodded. cat wasn't afraid to tell you the ugly truth. she even enjoyed doing so—being a 'girl's girl', she would say.
and when you sat down, you couldn't do much but play with the food, pressing your fork against the steak until its juices spilled, cutting it into little pieces. all things that should make it easier to stomach, more enticing to swallow, but you lacked the interest in it.
"lauren, please tell me you haven't changed your mind about culinary school," payton begged through a mouthful of meat, lips and chin dripping in sauce.
"of course not," lauren replied, the hint of a smirk in her voice. "i couldn't, not with the way you guys are always moaning when you eat my food."
"ew, dude, way to make it weird," adam grumbled.
"chef lauren, please may you be my wife?" payton continued, putting her hands together. "i'll provide."
"no," lauren said with a scoff. "when i open a five star restaurant, though, you can have a discount every time you come eat."
"one hundred percent off?"
"thirty at most."
"stingy," ellie chimed in.
"well, i'll have to pay off culinary school somehow!" lauren defended herself, chuckling. "how do you expect to pay off your what, ten years of schooling?"
"it's seven, and shut the fuck up." ellie shrugged her shoulders. "my student loans and i will be in a committed relationship for the foreseeable future."
"you're staying in jackson with the rest of us, right?" payton asked. ellie looked up and gave a nod. "jackson's too good to leave."
ellie gestured to you then, trying to invite you to the conversation, because you'd been watching it all go by like a movie. "you wanted seattle though, didn't you?"
"well, i was considering going to seattle," you murmured. "the business programs over there are great— but, like, i didn't wanna leave everyone here… so i'm settling on staying."
"did i even tell you guys what i'm studying in college?" cat suddenly asked. she laughed at the silence, which was just a prompt for her to continue, but she faltered— cat was never okay with being met with silence. "well, i'm doing teaching. imagine what our old teachers will say when i walk in like, 'hey, i'm back!'"
"...don't you have to be nice to be a teacher, though?" adam replied.
her face fell and you saw her clenching fists at her sides. a couple of the others seemed to hold back laughter. you only felt uncomfortable.
the next morning, the tension was upped. something within the group was off. you couldn't put your finger on it just yet, and your memory of it grows vague, but you felt like your friendships were on rocky tide. no good spirits from the day previous had carried over. ellie and cat were the first awake, and you didn't know why it put such a murmur in your heartbeat. you thought it was petty jealousy.
but where your brain stored the strongest memory was not in the love, nor the uncertainty; it was the betrayal.
a week had gone by. tents were taken down and bodies returned to family homes. nobody seemed to remain in contact, but it wasn't greatly unusual. you still had cat, like always, but what put the sharpest wound in your heart was that ellie had not reached out to you. it was growing bigger, big enough to confide in your best friend about.
you: i'm just worried i did something wrong or smth, yk? ellie normally is quick to reply. i don't mind it if she's busy but i'm starting to wonder if maybe there's something else going on? like maybe she doesn't like me anymore?
you held your phone tightly, your tangled up earbuds connected as you rode the bus home from work. cat's reply took the wind out of your sails, left you halted for several moments—hot, hot pressure building in your chest and through your cheeks.
cat: she's been busy lmao. probably because we're dating now
you retched as the bus came to a jolting stop on the side of the road, and it wasn't your stop, but you fled. you swung out of your seat and out the door, yearning for air that you'd never tasted before.
you: wait wdym
cat: she's my gf. since we went camping lol
more and more texts came through. somewhere in your mind you knew that cat wasn't attempting to explain herself. she was attempting to silence you. it was remorseless.
cat: dw, she still likes you! as a friend
cat: and jsyk, she asked me out, not the other way around :)
your thoughts in this moment felt like the sea, cold and dark waters pulling you under. you couldn't breathe. you remember clutching at your chest and feeling as though you were bleeding out.
the way home was impossible. you couldn't think of what to say—so you said nothing.
cat knew what she was doing. she had to have known. she saw the way you interacted with ellie in a different light than the others did, because she had the truth. she knew that you were in love. she would make sure you knew what she thought about it. the mocking, the laughing, the smirks—but you didn't think she would have done something like this to you.
if she liked ellie too, why couldn't she have told you? it could have been a bonding moment. that sickly sweet friendship in all the coming of age movies, where the girls stay together and cry together over the person they share a love for.
you hadn't shown your face to the world in days; you couldn't bare to, and the longer you isolated for, the harder it became to leave.
cross-legged in your bed, your hair in your fists and a stream of heavy sobs falling out of you—tears trickling down your cheeks and burning skin, because the only person who you could have pictured your future with had been swiped from beneath your fingertips. you tried so hard, convincing yourself it would be okay because ellie was truly just some girl, and there would be plenty of other fish in the sea.
ellie was never just some girl. she had eyes like vast pastures, room to grow in, a place you didn't feel entirely afraid to be yourself in. she was caring. but she was oblivious.
you didn't want to face the others. not adam, not lauren, not payton, and certainly not ellie or cat. you couldn't picture them together without choking. after being second best to cat your entire life, what hurt more than anything else was the idea of her being where you should be; in ellie's arms.
maybe part of growing up is learning to leave behind the ties that have grown cancerous. but your blurry vision fell back to your acceptance letter from university of washington.
it wasn't too late to change your plans.
you disappeared without a trace. your goal became to build a new sense of self.
you jumped into the dating pool in seattle. a blonde athlete with arms of sculpted muscle was your first. but you were too clingy, she cited. there were new problems that arose in every relationship. you wish you could say you were never the problem, but cat's behaviour had affected your own.
you cried over different girls in the arms of your new ride or die. dina is everything cat wasn't. dina is kind. dina isn't jealous. she built you up instead of breaking you down.
you earned your degree in business, moved back home with your best friend, and began to plan the most stunning parties jackson had ever seen.
you threw yourself into weddings like you were cupid's daughter, called yourself the expert on love after helping so many couples with the beginning of their happily ever after.
with the perfect office in jackson's main street, wedged on the corner between a bridal boutique and a craft store, you built your wedding planning business up all on your own. the office feels like a little portal to paris, the city of love, with dainty black detailing and gold accents, even paneled walls with paintings and pictures of the work you're proudest of in bespoke frames.
dina, who had been raised with a florist for a mother, was exactly what you needed to bring something unique to your business; connected to your office is her own flower shop, and she works with you on each and every wedding planned, bringing to life the most adoring florals your brides have ever seen.
enchantment everlasting is the purpose to your life.
so why does it feel like all that you built in the past decade is unravelling before your very eyes?
"i'm.. actually shocked." ellie chuckles, sitting across from you. you dig your heels into the floor below you, wondering if this is some sort of prank dina and jesse set you up for. "what are the chances? a blind date with you?"
your eyes rove across her face. although she is sharper and older, those eyes are the same, if only a little duller than you've ever seen them. she even sounds different, as though her southernness has been softened or lost to time.
she's effortlessly beautiful; her hair cut just above her shoulders, the first few buttons of her shirt undone, her jacket loose on her body as if she came straight from work, and yet still looks enticing.
"it's… yeah, i mean, it's a small world?" you reply, picking your jaw up from the ground. dina and jesse are either the shittest matchmakers on earth, or this was a prank, and it cannot be the latter considering they're not entirely aware of your history.
"definitely is." she nods, pulling a menu from the centre of the table mindlessly. "nice to see you back in jackson. you did go to seattle, didn't you?"
"uh-huh." you nod back, eyes trained on the menu between her hands and the rings adorning them on all but the left hand ring finger. the place feels stuffy now, but the slightest, most timid excitement is settling in at the prospect of this all.
"you just left. we were so worried," ellie says. "cat was in hysterics, you know. it hurt. but i have a hunch as to why you left. she's not the easiest to deal with."
you stiffen involuntarily, the name stirring the concoction of fear and now disappointment in your stomach. "yes, um… i needed a change of scenery," you mutter, tossing some hair behind your shoulder and subtly fanning your neck.
she studies you. you think about what ellie must be noticing now. is it the way that you've finally learned what eyeliner style enhances your features, and you no longer suffer blush blindness? is it the way your hair is done, neat and tidy and fixed with a big bow? perhaps it's the dress you never would have worn ten years ago. it's all low cut neckline and exposed shoulders, rosy satin ruched at the hips.
"you know jesse and dina?" she asks. "how?"
"ah, well—" you pinch yourself for thinking ellie notices things. it seems that some things never change, and obliviousness is in her nature. "dina and i met in college. at a party. we've combined our separate businesses now. she is my best friend. yada yada, she got pregnant, now i know jesse."
ellie's skimming the menu at this point, and your chest is aflutter as a piece of auburn hair sneaks into her view. it's the strand. the cowlick that gives her constant grief, wild and never to be controlled. you sensationalised it when you were eighteen—it was just the prettiest thing.
but she doesn't respond, doesn't even acknowledge you, never mind that you answered the question she asked in the first place. she just looks up, then says, "i'm gonna do the chicken risotto."
your brain kicks into gear, picking up on the sudden rush forced upon you. you grab the menu and skim it and just pick something. "are you hungry?" you laugh quietly.
"sure."
it never used to be this hard to talk to ellie. you never needed to carry the conversation like this. "you're jesse's coworker, right? so, you got your dream job?"
"sure did," ellie says, the tone satirically optimistic. "and you, with your wedding stuff. can't believe you did it—i thought you were too shy for a job like this. you never did talk all that much in high school."
a perception so wrong your eye twitches. you fret, looking at the lace tablecloth, and bite back a sigh. worst date in your entire life so far. "i've never been shy, but i just— i— you know?"
it was the people you knew that had bred your meek nature.
you're not sure ellie would understand that. she never had the issues you suffered from within the group. and you won't risk having to explain it.
"but you're still into your whole love thing?"
"ha, yes," you say, forming a smile. "still love love. it's dreamy."
"yeah, and that's why you're on a blind date, right? nothing more romantic than that." ellie chuckles. she eyes your fingers, wrapped tight around your wine glass and the way you glance away while taking a sip. "surprised you haven't had a reality check yet."
ellie williams—the one and only person you knew growing up who had embraced your wonder and grandeur—she's sitting here and she's mocking you.
and she looks too good to be doing that.
heat fills your face and with a moment's hesitation, you blurt out, "then why are you here, if that's what you think?"
"i like this place," she responds. "good food. have you tried it here before?"
oh dear. your heels almost scratch the floor now, with your eyes searching for the exit. maybe it's for the best to leave this here, to not have these memories of your first love tainted any further.
what in the hell were jesse and dina thinking? it has to be a prank. they cannot in good faith have thought this would be a match made in heaven.
and when you finally express your desire to leave, she shrugs indifferently, although you swear she winced—you hope that she did. you hope she struggles with the gravity of her current behaviour. it’s all you ever wish for; people who hurt you feeling remorse.
"alright, suit yourself darlin'. it was good to see you."
she's rude and it's maddeningly attractive, and you hear dina's voice from years ago telling you that you need to stop going for these kinds of people. so you stand up, you grab your purse, you turn to leave.
and from behind, you hear, "even better to watch you leave." the hint of a smirk in her words, a small laugh at her own comment.
who let ellie turn out like that?
you hurry out, now covering your rear with your purse as though it preserves your dignity.
it can't be the half of your wine glass that you drank that's making you feel sick right now. without a doubt it must be her attitude, and perhaps the good food you didn't get to try, now upsetting your stomach.
you think you know what it is that makes you feel the worst.
it's that after all this time—years of heartbreak, perseverance, constant search for your soulmate—you've never learned to get over things.
your career is not a foolproof bandaid. the castle you built from bricks people had thrown at you, the reminder that your person is still out there waiting for you, your passion turned into business; enchantment everlasting cannot save you the way that you've pretended it has.
you can't recover. especially from girls with red hair, green eyes, and cute freckles.