Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

New Chat

September 14, 6:02 A.M.

Dustin created a new chat with Steve, Robin, and 8 others.

Dustin changed the name of the chat from “New Chat” to “The Banquet”

Dustin changed his name to troy

troy changed Lucas’s name to chad

troy changed Max’s name to zoomer

troy changed El’s name to matilda

troy changed Mike’s name to EMO

troy changed Will’s name to bob ross

troy changed Robin’s name to robin

troy changed Steve’s name to batman

troy: RISE AND GRIND EVERYONE 💪💪💪

troy: [img.riseandgrind]

zoomer : sybau 

zoomer: i have a gun.

troy: wowww

troy: nobody’s gonna drfend me?!

matilda: die.

troy: damn what happened to el??

batman: its six am thats what you little shit

matilda: i'm tired :(

batman: do you ever sleep dustin???

troy: no

robin: wtf is the chat name

troy: it’s like the party, but bigger, so it’s the banquet :-)

zoomer: i hate you

EMO: dustin that is literally awful

chad: what the hell is this and why did you wake me up at 6 am.

troy: i made a group chat!!

chad: why is my name chad

troy: high school musical 

chad: yes but why am i chad

chad: is it because im black >:(

troy: no it’s because chad is troy’s best friend

troy: and also bisexual

troy: and also a basketball player

chad: oh okay but why are you troy

troy: suzie is my gabriella :0

troy: my ~freaky~ genius girl, if you will

zoomer: oh my god shut up

EMO: guys if you wake up will i will commit vehicular manslaughter /hj

bob ross: too late. :(

EMO: i just aquired a car

EMO: hey dustin! go stand in the road! :))

robin: why am i in a group chat with all of the children???

batman: it just happens :(

troy: mike you didn’t use tone indicators so i thought you were serious and i went outside and stood in the road

troy: you made me look like an idiot

chad: does anyone even use tone indicators ???

matilda: i like them!

bob ross: theyre helpful because tone is almost impossible over text

EMO: aka theyre helpful bc we’re neurodivergent.

troy: ^^

chad: i stand corrected

zoomer: dusty buns do you have a security system perchance???

troy: i already deleted the footage.

zoomer: dammit

robin: WHY AM I HERE

troy: because you’re our friend and we want you here.

robin: fine then i’m adding MY friends

troy: what

EMO: robin no please

Robin has added Vickie, Jonathan, and 2 others to the chat

Argyle: hey bruchachos

EMO: robin stand over there next to dustin /hj

robin: listen if i have to deal with you i can at least make jonathan and nancy and argyle and vickie do it too

Vickie: Robin, what is this?

matilda: VICKIE!! this is el! :)

Vickie: Oh, hi El!! Is this your friends?

matilda: yes! mike is emo, dustin is troy, lucas is chad, will is bob ross, and max is zoomer :)))

Vickie: Well it’s great to talk with you all!

bob ross: wait el i didn’t realize you were close with vickie

matilda: mike broke up with me at the same time as she broke up with her boyfriend

matilda: we bonded :) 

batman: my heart is growing three sizes

EMO: i’m glad i could unintentionally cause a beautiful friendship

matilda: you did nothing dont take responsibility

EMO: oh ok

matilda: omg!! im sorry!! it was meant to be a joke!! i forgot to add on the j!

EMO: oh lol! you’re all good, dw

zoomer: never say “lol!” again

robin: lol!

troy: lol!

EMO: lol!

batman: lol!

chad: lol!

zoomer: i hate all of you

Nancy: Um what’s going on?

Jonathan: yeah what is this

troy: i made a group chat and robin added you

troy: also i’m changing your names they

troy: aren’t fitting the aesthetic

EMO: wtf do you know about aesthetic ):<

troy changed Nancy’s name to GUNS

troy changed Vickie’s name to starfire

troy changed Jonathan’s name to joint

troy changed Argyle’s name to weed man

robin: mike why did you do it backwards??

EMO: do what backwards

robin: the frown

EMO: you mean like this? ))))):<

chad: i hate that

bob ross: that is unnatural and disgusting /srs

matilda: guys it is still 6 am. everyone should go back to sleep :) 

EMO: anything for you ellie <33

zoomer: that was very straight of you mike??

EMO: i’m gay ?

robin: max, it’s called queerplatonic, glad i could help <3

EMO: she has a special spot in my artery

troy: wait i thought will was the one in your artery

EMO: no they are two entirely different artery spots??

EMO: NOT the same situation at ALL

EMO: will is my favorite in a different way

EMO: will you're still my best friend i promise!!! /gen/gen/gen

bob ross: mike I know!! i understand :)

EMO: okay good lol

zoomer: STOP SAYING LOL

EMO: love you both <333

bob ross: lyt!!

matilda: love youuu

chad: i feel left out

the barbers (Will, Dustin, and Lucas)

6:23 A.M.

bowl: aaaAAHHGHHGHH

bowl: IM SO GAYYY

bowl: WHY IS MIKE SO ADORABLE

hat: hottest take of the century tbh ^

bowl: dustin you’re supposed to be supportive of my unrequited crush :(

hat: tf do you want me to say? hes hot as fuck??

curls: LMAOO 

bowl: actually nvm "hot take" is fine

mike wheeler hate club (Max + Lucas + Mike + El)

September 14, 6:23 A.M.

vice president: mike that was actually so gay

vice president: WILL IS MY FRIEND in a DIFFERENT WAY!!

secretary: sorry but "/gen /gen /gen" is crazy man

president: guys i panicked stoppp

president: do you think he knows 😭

secretary: god i wish he did /srs

treasurer: me too :( its sad seeing you sad

president: aw thnx el ❤️‍🩹 youre such an amazing being

vice president: r/niceguys

president: oml

The Banquet

September 14, 6:24 A.M.

batman: anywaysss, guys go to bed. it's literally still dark.

troy: ok dad!!

batman: i will smother you in your sleep the next time you call me "dad" you little shithead

bob ross: omg he sounds JUST like my dad! /j

zoomer: LMAOOOOO

joint: accurate

EMO: relatable

robin: no trauma dumping in chat :(

robin:  now sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep

EMO: ok night mom <333

robin: fuck you

Chapter Text

The Banquet

September 20, 3:01 P.M.

robin: FAVORITE CHAPPELL SONGS GO —>

EMO: amazing grace ❤️

robin: no.

GUNS: Mike how did you answer that fast??

EMO: you asked for a chapel song and i gave you a chapel song

robin: you know what i mean gaho

zoomer: what the fuck does gaho mean

robin: gay ass ho ^

EMO: fine fine fine

EMO: its picture you 

bob ross: i dont know any tbh

robin: lesbophobe

bob ross: I DONT LISTEN TO POP MUSIC 

matilda: he lies.

matilda: i heard him scream singing casual yesterday

joint: will is disowned. 

chad: I like Super Graphic Ultra Modern Girl.

chad: and Max likes My Kink is Karma

zoomer: yep

starfire: I like naked in manhattan :)

robin: aah i love that one babe <3

troy: simp 🙄

robin: we are literally dating?

starfire: Yeah I’d prefer if she WAS a simp tbh 

troy: i hate gay people

robin: we know

matilda: my favorite is california! :)

GUNS: Femininomenon.

joint: guys

joint: stfu for once

joint: you all have shitty music taste. and i am. tIred

chad: HOMOPHOBIA IN CHAT 😐😐

bob ross: jon don’t be homophobic

joint: i’m literally queer and nonbinary

EMO: i know from experience that you can be gay and homophobic

zoomer: ^^ reclaimed my mike wheeler slander smh

batman: admit it, jonathan

batman: admit that you're homophobic

joint: babe we are dating???

batman: don't babe me >:(

batman: jk ily <3

joint: mhm.

joint: well sorry that i don’t like pop music

EMO: ))):

joint: ^ fact got

bob ross: JONATHAN !!!! 

chad: WOAHH HOLD UP

chad: WE DONT ASSOCIATE WITH THEM QUEERS 🫡

troy: hitting the woahh ✊/🤛

zoomer: leave it in 2019 dickwad

robin: STEVE COME GET YOUR PARTNER THEY’RE DISRESPECTING OUR QUEEN

batman: I do not claim them

batman: And im ready to throw hands with the next Chappell hater.

joint: steve wtf 

weed man: my fabotite chaopoel roan song is pung pony clib ,,,

robin: thanks for your contribution argyle

weed man: yea,,h of course man

zoomer: ok great but can we talk about how mike and will choose the two most gay yearning coded songs on chappell’s entire discography

EMO: liar

EMO: defamation

robin: no she’s right

robin: “do you picture me like i picture you?”

robin: “am i in the frame from your point of view?”

robin: “do you feel the same?”

robin: “im too scared to say half of the things i do"

robin: “when i picture you”

EMO: sybau /srs

zoomer: is there any particular reason you like those lyrics

EMO: SHUT UP.

(Private Chat) Max + Mike

September 20, 3:15 P.M.

cringefail: stop talking now

loser: smh 

loser: fine

The Banquet

September 20, 3:15 P.M.

EMO: maxine you are my number one opp

zoomer: no you <3

EMO: huh?

batman: they have such a unique bond

robin: gasp

robin: wait

robin: something occurred to me

robin renamed EMO to twink

robin renamed zoomer to redhead

twink: wtf?

steve: name a more iconic duo…

robin: than a twink

robin: and a redheadddd

redhead: i cant believe you robin 💔 

robin: actually steve thought of it first, i received it second.

chad: wha t

starfire: they are telepathically linked

troy: i dont get how you dont get jealous vickie and jonathan

starfire: …??? rob is a lesbian??! steve is a man?!?

joint: yeah..

troy: ok fair

matilda: what is a twink?

robin: jonathan explain to your sister

joint: mike.

twink: what?

joint: no youre the example

robin: idk i think mike and will are equally twinky

troy: wrong

troy: will canonically knows how to shoot guns and can operate a circular saw

redhead: DONT SAY CANONICALLY

batman: mike? your argument?

twink: i dont have one.

batman: fair

bob ross: to answer your question, el, a twink is usually used to describe a skinny gay man, sometimes more feminine but it doesn’t really matter

matilda: so… mike?

twink: what?

matilda: no youre the example

twink: oh yeahh, i suppose i fit the description

redhead: suppose

troy: suppose

robin: that was the gayest response ever

twink: robin get your lesbian carabiner wearing ass out of this chat

robin: ok skinny gay man <3

twink: *sigh*

robin: do Not. roleplay in chat

redhead: guys should we roleplay

bob ross: absolutely

matilda: but robin said no :( 

twink: ellie you are too pure for this dark and poisoned world

redhead: go girl give us nothing </3

matilda: what

bob ross: that was so poetic mikey

bob ross: dps core <3

chad: smh

the barbers

September 20, 3:29 P.M.

curls: you are glazing him

bowl: yes. and?

hat: sigh

The Banquet

September 20, 3:29 P.M.

twink: OMG I LOVE THAT MOVIE !!

bob ross: i know!!! :)

matilda: what is dps?

twink: DEAD POETS SOCIETY

twink: HAVE YOU NOT SEEN IT???

matilda: no i have not..

bob ross: we should watch it all together! :)) 

twink: YES PLEASE YES PLEASE

robin: mike please stop screaming my eyes don’t like capitals /nm

twink: oh sorry robin i got excited

twink: well do you want to do it now? /gen

bob ross: yeah i’d love to!

twink: ok I’m on my way :)

(Private Chat) Nancy and Mike

September 20, 3:32 P.M.

Mike: nancy can you drive me to the byers’??

Nancy: Yes, let me get my keys.

Mike: thank you!!

--

The Banquet

September 20, 4:45 P.M.

troy: every time someone calls a hotdog a sandwich an angel dies

chad: what tf

troy: its a taco

twink: dustin what inspired this

troy: i saw a tiktok

troy: and they called a hotdog a sandwich 

troy: also i crashed my bike into the garage door and im feeling loopy

robin: dustin what the hell

troy: tbf i didnt take my meds

batman: DUSTIN HENDERSON

twink: lmao real

troy: steve did i just summon you ??

batman: YOU GUYS HAVE TO HYDRATE AND TAKE YOUR MEDICATIONS

twink: L

troy: ur not my dad

twink: my dad doesnt care :(

troy: my dad is dead

bob ross: my dad sucks

redhead: my dad is gay 

robin: wait what ??

troy: so steve gets summoned by poor self care, and robin gets summoned by any mentions of gay people

troy: interesting

redhead: yeah my dad is gay and just married my mom to hide it

redhead: but then he found a boyfriend and left us

robin: damn

troy: thats lowkey mike-core tbh

twink: i dont have a boyfriend ?

troy: yet

robin: yet

redhead: yet

joint: yet

GUNS: Yet

troy: adding to list: jonathan and nancy are summoned by mike being gay 

twink: wHat ?

matilda: guys we are watching a movie and you're distracting mike and will

bob ross: yeah :<

troy: proof.

matilda: [img.cuddlingandmovieing]

matilda: we are sharing a blanket but it is small

chad: MY HEART

chad: I CANT TAKE IT

redheads: my three faves cuddling <33

twink: im your fave?

redheads: no

robin: awww adorable :)) 

robin: queerplatonic elmike ftw

batman: have fun you guys 

matilda: jon and steve are also cuddling

matilda: [img.stonathan]

batman: wow outing us in main chat???

joint: rude

troy: i see mike is in the middle?

twink: great observation skills dustin

troy: its just ,,, shouldnt el be in the middle? cuz you and will are just,, friends? and neither of you are attracted to girls so el being in the middle wouldnt be weird?

twink: ?? dude friends cuddle 

bob ross: yeah friends cuddle 

the barbers

September 20, 4:50

bowl: dustin shut your yaps

hat: damn ok

The Banquet

September 20, 4:51

bob ross: also el is my sister?? so i wouldnt be attracted to her if she was a boy 😭

troy: wtvr

robin: can we please go back to dustin running into the garage door on his bike 

troy: what about it

robin: uh how?

troy: i was riding my bike out of the garage and i thought i could make it before the garage door went all the way up but i couldnt and i hit my head 😞😞

matilda: omg! are you okay :((

troy: yes i am dw! thanks for checking :)

twink: guys shut. up.

troy: mute. notifs.

twink has left the chat

troy: or that works too

matilda: dustin...

troy: ok fine bye 

Chapter Text

The Banquet

September 24, 11:37 P.M.

chad: guys has anyone seen mike, will, max, and el??

chad: they aren't at lunch and mike wasn't in english

chad: he never misses english

troy: yeah max wasn't in spanish either

batman: whats going on?

chad: m and m and w and e aren't at lunch

robin: maybe they are just eating in the library or something

robin: it's probably fine, will keeps them in check

troy: side note, did you guys hear about the fight??

chad: what fight?!

troy: apparently some of the basketball players started it, idk

troy: someone said andy got his nose broken but that might not be true

chad: andy did??? thank god

chad: i hate that guy

chad: i wish i could punch his brains out /srs

robin: wait andy carlson? he was in my year

chad: he got himself held back so he could stay on the team lmao

robin: ASDJKDDK NO WAY

chad: oops gtg teacher's coming

robin: rip  🙏

The Banquet

September 24, 3:00 P.M.

bob ross: hey guys

troy: WILL

chad: WILLL

chad: where were you??

bob ross: we all got suspended

batman: WHAT 

batman: SUSPENDED ????

zoomer: yeah but just for 3 days

chad: how??

matilda: i broke someones nose :)

joint: ELEVEN

zoomer: he was being a asshole

matilda: :( he was mean to mike

troy: wait wait wait

troy: back up

robin: story time please

bob ross: um idk if mike wants us to talk about it

chad: oh shit it must be bad...

twink: no its fine you guys can tell the story

twink: i have to go though, my mom wants me to do dishes

(Private Chat) Nancy + Will

September 24, 3:04 P.M.

Will: is that true??

Nancy: No, but they don't really seem upset, I think they just don't want to talk.

Will: okay :(

The Banquet

September 24, 3:05 P.M.

robin: please spill im desperate for tea

bob ross: ok

bob ross: but max will have to do most of it because i showed up late

zoomer: ive got it will <3

zoomer: basically mike was walking out of the locker room after gym

zoomer: and andy, chase, and josh were there

zoomer: and because they're massive fucking assholes they started shitting on them about being in the boys locker room

zoomer: and calling them gay slurs and stuff

zoomer: and anyway they were being snarky back because they're mike

zoomer: if i remember correctly they said something like "i think you're just projecting"

zoomer: at least that's what they told the principal

zoomer: but anyway then the basketball shoved them into the lockers and started hitting them

zoomer: but then i saw them as i was walking down the hallway 

zoomer: and i tried to stand up for mike but the dudes weren't listening to me and because i'm 5'3 i couldn't do much

zoomer: i was going to hit one of them with my skateboard but he grabbed it and threw it (it's not broken btw)

zoomer: but then will and el were walking and they saw

zoomer: they came over to help but josh called el the r slur 

zoomer: and then they called will a fairy and asked if he was mike's boyfriend

zoomer: so will punched josh in the gut because he's fucking ripped and a badass

zoomer: and at the same time el broke andy's nose

zoomer: and then it ended when el slammed the locker doors open into their faces

zoomer: they punched back but at that point a teacher came so me el and will didn't get hit very much

zoomer: the end.

starfire: Oh my God

starfire: Guys I'm so sorry

chad: that's fucking horrible

bob ross: thanks max but my contribution was not that impressive 

twink: Will you literally punched someone wdym "not that much?"

twink: i'm literally made of sticks and flesh i couldn't do anything

twink: it meant a lot to me

bob ross: oh

bob ross: thanks mike, that's really sweet <3

twink: just dwbi

(Private Chat) Mike + Will

September 24, 3:11 P.M.

cleric <3: you didn't use tone indicators

cleric <3: are you alright?

paladin: yeah i'm fine

cleric <3: do you want to come over?

paladin: no sorry chores.

cleric <3: oh, okay

cleric <3: i'll talk to you later :(

*message read at 3:12 P.M.*

The Banquet

September 24, 3:12 P.M.

batman: guys i still have my nail bat i will slaughter them if you ask me to

robin: ^^^

GUNS: I have guns.

joint: will and el come sit with me in my room

joint: we can listen to vinyls

joint: oh that was not meant to be put in this chat sorry

matilda: oh don't worry we're coming

bob ross: yeah omw

robin: god i love those siblings <3

batman: my SO is such a good sibling <3

joint: steve shut up

batman: aw </3

robin: anyway i'm so so sorry you guys

robin: what is the school doing about it??

zoomer: everyone involved was suspended for 3 days

batman: WHAT???

batman: THEY HATE CRIMED YOU GUYS

zoomer: yeah but apparently the basketball guys' injuries were more severe

zoomer: mike only got a black eye and a few bruises 

zoomers: but because andy got a broken nose they can't have him out any longer

bob ross: also hawkins is homophobic

starfire: That is awful. I hate this town.

twink: valid

chad: they aren't even taken off the team???

zoomer: they have to sit out next game but they're like the "star players"

chad: fucking debatable

zoomer: yeah but...

chad: guys that's terrible

chad: idek what to say

twink: it's okay you dont have to say anything

troy: jesus i just saw these messages i'm so sorry

troy: but good on will and el for kicking their asses

bob ross: guys i barely did anything

twink: stop saying that please

bob ross: sorry mike

twink: can we stop talking about this for now please?

robin: yeah of course

*6 people hearted a message*

twink: thanks guys

troy: we love you mike

*7 people hearted a message*

(Private chat) Max + Mike

September 24, 4:15 P.M.

loser: mike i'm coming over 

loser: have your netflix subscription ready bc we're going to binge movies

cringefail: okay 

--

The Banquet

September 24, 6:40 P.M.

zoomer: me and mike are watching movies

robin: oooo what movie??

zoomer: rn we're watching empire records

bob ross: oh you guys are with each other?

twink: yeah so??

bob ross: no reason i'm just surprised

twink: i have other friends will.

twink: also im changing my stupid fucking name back

twink has changed their name to Mike

Mike: now im going to watch the movie so bye

bob ross: oh okay have fun 

the adults

September 24, 6:42

steve: um so what the fuck was that

robs: idk but that was kinda scary

nance: Mike's doing pretty bad

nance: Which makes sense considering the situation

nance: But I think either Will or El might have said something to them that they took badly.

robs: what would they have said??

jon: neither of them have said anything abt the fight to me rlly

jon: but theyre also both socially exhausted

jon: maybe its js the same for mike

jon: he has a short fuse

nance: I don't know, maybe, but it's horrible seeing them like this.

nance: I have half a mind to walk up to the school and go off on the people in charge.

nance: This whole situation is idiotic and shouldn't be tolerated

robs: honestly should we??

jon: id be down

steve: same it's insane

vick: Let's do it tomorrow

nance: Yeah let's do it!

*4 people liked a message*

The Banquet

September 24, 7:28 P.M

redhead has changed their name to debra

debra has changed Mike's name to AJ

robin: NAME CHANGE ALERT

troy: wtf do these mean

debra: empire records dumbass

debra: im fucking debra 

chad: you could have phrased that differently.

AJ: i think she phrased it perfectly tyvm /pa

troy: explain.?

AJ: aj was my gay awakening

debra: debra was my bi awakening

robin: the perfect duo

troy: mike you say everyone is your gay awakening

AJ: im very attracted to men

AJ: and they were all like collectively my gay awakening simultaneously

batman: this whole chat is turning into people with different human names and i'm batman. :(

troy: L

robin: that movie was a fever dream tbh

robin: all i remember is grunge girl's funeral

robin: and that the two main girls are probably in lesbians with each other

AJ: gina and corey? cus they definitely are in lesbians

robin: maybe idk

p

chad: okay who else here has not seen this movie????=

debra: mike and i watch it almost every time we hang out

AJ: it's because i'm physically attracted to aj

batman: mike are you high

AJ: i fucking wish i was

weed man: i'm here if you need me

AJ: i might hit u up tbh

GUNS: Mike no.

debra: smh

(Private Chat) Max + Steve

September 24, 7:35 P.M.

Steve: seriously is mike alright??

*message read at 7:35*

The Banquet

September 24, 7:35 P.M.

debra: anyway we finished empire records but now we are watching but i'm a cheerleader

robin: yessss sapphic romances <3

debra: but i dont think mike is going to make it through the whole movie because they are falling asleep

AJ: no i am nottt

AJ: defamation

debra: mhm.

The Banquet

September 24, 7:50 P.M.

debra: update this loser fell asleep

debra: [img.mikesleeping]

batman: holy shit his face!!

debra: oh yeah i forgot you hadn't seen it

debra: they were bloodied up really bad

troy: JESUS CHRIST

robin: dude that's awful :o

chad: i am going to kill my teammates

robin: good plan *thumbs up*

batman: dont type thumbs up

debra: thumbs up

troy: thumbs up

robin: thumbs up

batman: i never get anything :(

Chapter Text

New Chat

September 29, 6:02 P.M.

Nancy created a new chat with Will, El, and 5 others.

Nancy: Guys, I’m really worried about Mike.

Nancy: He’s having outbursts and I don’t think he’s taking his meds. 

Nancy: He’s literally been glued to Mom’s side for like four days. Right now he is drying the dishes for her. It's unsettling.

Will: we are worried too, he completely split from me and he's barely talking to El.

Max: they've been a lot clingier to me than normal

Max: like we're pretty close normally but it's almost a little suffocating rn

Lucas: wait, is this about betty?

Will: yes.

Max: yeah

Steve: uh, who’s betty??

Nancy: It’s the name for Mike’s BPD. Will came up with it before Mike was diagnosed to help deal with the symptoms and it just stuck.

Nancy: DON’T make fun of it or I WILL slit your throat.

Steve: oh shit. poor kid, i would never make fun of him for that

Steve: so does this mean he’s having an episode or something?

Will: yeah. when they split they get really distant and aggressive with specific people and gets really clingy to other people. a lot of the time they get really close to Karen and Max. 

Max: wait? why are we explaining this all to steve??? why is he even here??

Nancy: I added him on accident and I didn’t know how to remove him.

Steve: no wait i want to stay

Steve: i want to help him

Will: well you guys don’t have to do anything. i’m going to try to start a conversation with them and figure out what’s wrong.

Max: no don't do that. 

Max: i'll try to talk first. they're not going to respond well to you.

(Private Chat) Max + Will

September 29, 6:06 P.M.

l*nnie hater: are they really that upset at me? :(

b*lly hater: it's difficult, you know how it is

l*nnie hater: yeah ig...

New Chat

September 29, 6:07 P.M.

Max: they're dealing with a lot of stuff about the fight so..

Dustin: i'm going to fucking murder those guys

Lucas: ^^

Max: also they're really not going to like us talking about them so I think we should pause

Max: if anything happens i'll update

Nancy: Thank you, Max. I owe you the world.

*Max liked a message*

(Private Chat) Max + Mike

September 29, 6:10 P.M.

loser: hey mike

cringefail: hi

loser: wyd??

cringefail: rotting away on ao3

cringefail: reading frowise fics

cringefail: why

cringefail: do you wanna hang out??

loser: i mean if you want to

loser: but i just wnated to see what you were up to

cringefail: ...okay

cringefail: that sounds suspicious

loser: idk you seem a little depressed

cringefail: i did just get beat up in the school hallway like a week ago

loser: yeah ik dumby /a

loser: when's the last time you ate??

cringefail: what are you my therapist??

cringefail: sorry i'm defensive

loser: mike 

cringefail: max

loser: everyone is worried about you.

loser: especially will

cringefail: well i dont want to talk to him

loser: i know that

loser: do you want to tell me why?

cringefail: no.

cringefail: i mean

cringefail: i dunno

cringefail: he said something and it really hurt

loser: yeah well betty's a fucking bitch

loser: we care about you a lot just remember that

cringefail: thanks

New Chat

September 29, 6:16 P.M.

Max: they don't want to talk

Max: and i wouldn't push them 

Max: they're being defensive so

Dustin: I'm going to try to invite him to something, maybe he'll be interested in joining all of us? He might be lonely.

*4 people liked a message*

The Party: 

September 29, 6:18 P.M.

bard: hey guys

bard: does anyone want to go to the arcade??

ranger: i'm down!

mage: yes!!

zoomer: yeah sure

cleric: yeah that sounds great

paladin: sorry im busy

cleric: oh okay

mage: we'll miss you mike :(

(Private Chat) Lucas + Mike

September 29, 6:20 P.M.

venkman 1: are you actually busy

venkman 2: not really

venkman 2: but my room is a fucking pigsty because i havent cleaned it in months and its making me feel trapped and suffocated

venkman 2: and also i havent taken a shower in days and i feel gross

venkman 2: /nav

venkman 1: yk what im coming over

venkman 1: i'll help you clean

venkman 2: dude 

venkman 2: you dont have to do that its fine

venkman 1: nope im coming

venkman 1: it always helps max and i think itll help you feel better

venkman 2: seriously you can go hang out with the party im alright

venkman 1: no! 😜 im at your door already dunbass

venkman 2: ugh neighbors

venkman 2: im coming down 

(Private Chat) Dustin + Lucas

September 29, 6:30 P.M.

WHAT TEAM: dude where are you

WILDCATS: chill im with mike

WILDCATS: sorry i forgot to text the gc

WHAT TEAM: oh okay

WHAT TEAM: lmk how they feel

WILDCATS: k

(Private Chat) El + Lucas

September 29, 6:43 P.M.

ellie belly: are you with mike??

lukie pookie: yup we're cleaning their room

ellie belly: oh ok!

ellie belly: just making sure, will is being mopey :(

ellie belly: but tell mike i said hi and i love them! /p

lukie pookie: will do <33

wheeler kids

September 29, 7:25 P.M.

accident: hi!! i made mac and cheese

too cold: VELVETA???????

accident: ya of course! 

accident: it's ur favorite

model: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK HOLS

model: I"M COMING DOWN NOW

prototype: Mike the amount of Velveta m+c you consume should be illegal

model: bro doesn't understand the concept of safe foods *eye roll*

prototype: Don't type out eye roll please

accident: nancy come eat my mac and cheese

accident: i didnt burn it i promise

prototype: That sounds so fake Holly

prototype: But okay 

The Banquet

September 29, 7:36 P.M.

chad: [img.thewheelies]

chad: mike, nancy and holly cuddling and eating macaroni

chad: i feel strangely... left out

AJ: delete this

GUNS: I have a gun

robin: awwww my favorite siblings <3

joint: hey no

joint: that's our title

batman: i love it when abe is defensive <3

batman: *babe

troy: abe

GUNS: No they can keep the title

GUNS: We don't want it /j

debra: you mean me and billy don't have it?? 

AJ: uh max please say /j??????????????

debra: no <3

matilda: holly!!!!! my favorite ❤️

matilda: we should add her!

GUNS: Absolutely not

GUNS: This chat is pg-13 and she is like 8

batman: LIKE eight??

batman: do you not know her age

GUNS: I do

GUNS: It's like 8

batman: ok

chad: wow look at this shining spotless room

chad: [img.mikesroom]

debra: wow they have a floor 😱😱😱

AJ: fuck you maxine

AJ: i actually have this super niche thing called "mental illnesses" you might not have heard of it 

debra: damn f in the chat /a

bob ross: wow it looks great you guys!

AJ: thx

(Private Chat) Nancy + Lucas

September 29, 8:01 P.M.

Nancy: Hey thanks for coming over Lucas

Nancy: He seems a lot better thanks to you

Lucas: yeah anything for mike!

(Private Chat) Lucas + Mike

September 29, 8:03 P.M.

venkman 1: mike seriously don't worry about the letters

venkman 1: it's fine

venkman 2: nobody should have seen those

venkman 2: i'm a fucking pervert

venkman 1: dude what??

venkman 1: would i be a pervert for writing love letters to max????

venkman 2: ??no

venkman 2: but it's different for you

venkman 1: dude you're not perverted just because you're gay

venkman 1: they weren't even bad or inappropriate

venkman 1: they were just about how you feel

venkman 2: but he doesn't even like me like that

venkman 2: he made that super clear

venkman 2: i'm hopelessly in love with someone who will never love me back

venkman 1: listen you seriously need to talk to someone about whatever will said

venkman 1: i don't know what it was but i think you definitely took it wrong

venkman 1: it doesn't have to be me, but maybe reach out to max and explain everything to her

venkman 1: and seriously, don't worry abut the letters

venkman 1: i would never tell anyone

venkman 1: and fyi i think they were really sweet

venkman 2: thanks lucas

venkman 2: i'll try not to stress about it

venkman 2: and i guess i'll talk to max

venkman 1: <33

venkman 1: try to get some sleep man

venkman 1: you need it

*venkman 2 liked a message*

(Private Chat) Mike + Max

September 29, 10:17 P.M.

cringefail: hey i'm ready to talk

Chapter Text

(Private Chat) Mike + Max

September 29, 10:17 P.M.

cringefail: hey i'm ready to talk

loser: about damn time

loser: sorry that was rude

loser: please tell me whats up?

cringefail: its gonna sound stupid and fucked up

loser: trust me it wont

loser: i guarantee i've thought of worse

cringefail: ok..

cringefail: sorry i cant do this with our names like this

*cringefail changed their name to mike*

*mike changed loser's name to max*

mike: ok thats better

max: youre procrastinating

mike: idk its just

mike: during the Incident

mike: when el and will showed up

mike: and then andy was like "what are you his boyfriend"

mike: will said "i'm not his fucking boyfriend" 

mike: i know its like really out of context but it really hurt a lot

mike: and it really reminded me just how unrequited this is

mike: like he's my favorite person and i'm hanging off of him all the time like one of thsose fucking fingerling monkeys

mike: and he doesnt even LIKE me

mike: he probably doesnt even want to be my friend tbh

mike: and im just making him uncomfortable and annoyed because his weird gay friend has a massive crush on him

mike: but im also just like a jerk to him so i cant be upset about it

mike: we got into that huge fight a couple of summuers ago and i was an asshole

mike: and then i was an asshole to will and el in california

mike: and im just the worst

mike: and yet IM the one whos clingy

mike: im such a bad person and i only hurt people

mike: i just hate myself

mike: and i hate my brain

mike: and i hate my bpd and my autism and my sexuality

mike: and i wish i was straight and neurotypical cause then i could have a normal crush on like el or something and not one on my LIFELONG BEST FTIEND

max: okay wow thats a lot

max: do you want me to say what i think or do you wanna keep talking

mike: can i say something else first

max: sure 

mike: you'll think I'm awful

max: i already think youre awful this cant change that much /j /a

mike: well

mike: sometimes i consider hurting myself again so that somebody notices and cares about me

mike: sometimes i think about people crying at my funeral and it makes me want to do it

mike: i don't want to make the people i care about sad at all

mike: i just want someone to care about me

mike: and it's scary bcus i've been clean for over a year and a half

mike: and it sucks because logically obviously people care about me

mike: but my brain knows that they dont

mike: aghhhhhh idk

max: mike thats a lot

mike: really no way 

max: do you have access to a therapist?

mike: i mean we both talk to ms kelley

max: yeah but im poor, your parents could probably afford a real one

mike: they dont want to

max: well for right now

max: lets go over some stuff

max: will doesnt hate you

max: he literally acts like you hung the moon

max: also he's gay so how could he be disgusted by you being gay???/

max: if you found out lucas had a crush on you would you be disgusted??

mike: i would kiss him on the mouth probably no offense

max: so i wasnt expecting that response

max: but still

max: why do you have such extreme double standards

mike: but like its different for me

mike: because lucas is literally the catch of the century

mike: and i'm me

max: A. im telling him you said that

max: B. youre literally so cool

mike: girl i can taste your lie through the screen

mike: i write finnxpoe fanfic in my freetime and i save rotbtd edits on tiktok

mike: that is so uncool

max: ??

max: you literally write books 

max: you dress like kurt cobain

max: you LISTEN to kurt cobain

max: you're not homophobic or racist or sexist or anything

max: so you're cool

mike: tbh those are not the standards for coolness

max: i hate glazing you this hard but genuinely you are such an interesting person

max: will would be lucky to have you

max: and seriously he probably reciprocates

max: genuinely he thinks your god on earth

max: i cant tell you more but i really think you should talk to him

max: he's hurting a lot right now and he undertsands the reason but you need to tell him all of this

max: i obv cant force you to do anything but you seriously should talk about it with him

mike: maybe you're right

max: do it before you chicken out /a

mike: promise he wont hate me ?

max: promise

mike: ok well wish me luck

(Private Chat) Mike + Will

September 29, 10:32

paladin: hey sorry for splitting

cleric <3: it's okay, i get it. it hurts a lot but i understand why

paladin: well i have some stuff to say and if i dont say it now im gonna chicken out and never say it so here goes

paladin: when you got mad at andy after he called you my boyfriend, it felt like you were mad because he called you my boyfriend and you thought that was awful, and it hurt a lot to me because i really like you in like a not a friend way and thats why i have been ignoring you

cleric <3: mike, what??

paladin: i'm sorry will

cleric <3: mike, i don’t get it

paladin: will i’ve been in love with you since I was like nine! and it ruined our friendship and i’m sorry. it’s all my fault

paladin: you don’t have to talk to me ever again if you want i just needed to tell you. I’m sorry

cleric <3: oh my god, mike

cleric <3: jonathan is driving me to yours. hold tight.

Chapter Text

The Banquet

October 4, 9:32 A.M.

*bob ross changed their name to corey*

debra: thats suspicious

debra: thats weird

corey: want to share with the class, max?

debra: 🤐

chad: ??

debra: my mouth is preoccupied, cant talk

troy: i feel behind

robin: whats gojng on ...

corey: max that text made mike snort and choke

AJ: hey!!! it did not

corey: 😇

AJ: 😇🔫

corey: wow rude

AJ: my B 😞

robin: im glad you guys are talking again that was painful

AJ: oh we are doing more than talking

robin: WHAT

chad: im crying lmao

debra: MIKE ?? 😭

debra: this is the group chat ???

troy: what does this meannnn

batman: mike lmao

chad: the silence is deafening

corey: ...

corey: michael

AJ: sorry guys gtg do dishes

matilda: he lies he is at my house

AJ: ELEVEN

debra: guys we know what is going on just say it

corey: ok we're dating

troy: who ??

debra: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK DUSTIN ? 😭

troy: i dk?

AJ: me and will

AJ: surprise 🏳️‍🌈 👨‍❤️‍👨

robin: YAYYYYY BABY GAYS IN LOVE <3

corey: we are both 17

robin: shhhh baby gays

starfire: Aw good job you guys!

troy: slayy

chad: nice!! finally got your heads out of your asses 

chad: i was on both of your gay panic text group chats btw

AJ: YOU WERE ????

corey: LUCAS WHAT

chad: yep

chad: [ss.barbers]

chad: [ss.mikewheelerhateclub]

chad: proof 

corey: UH YOU DIDNT SAY ANYTHING

batman: chat we all brushed over dustin saying slay 

chad: im good at secrets

AJ: that is such a fucking lie

debra: lie alert

matilda: he lies

chad: damn chat clocked me

troy: lucas you spoiled my surprise 9th birthday party

troy: that nobody even told you about

robin: how did that happen

troy: he had suspicions about a drug cartel because everyone was whispering around him and me and because he was dramatic he used his spy gear to figure it out, turns out it was just a surprise party that he instantly told me about

robin: lmao i can imagine that so vividly

GUNS: Mike and Will, I know I already knew but I'm happy for you two 

AJ: thanks nance it means a lot <3

batman: yeah me too

joint: and me 

weed man: i thougbt they were alsready datung

joint: argyle what

weed man: i thohght they wete datinh in cali

weed man: they seemned reallu gay

joint: no mike and el were dating in cali

weed man: wait wgat ?

AJ: yes 

weed man: damn 

weed man: we;l congrats 🎊🎊🎊💥💨

robin: argyle you are priceless

weed man: tbamks brochacho

AJ: how did you misspell thanks but spell brochacho correct ?.

corey: well thanks guys

corey: it means a lot

AJ: yeah it really does

AJ: not gonna lie, i was half convinced you guys were gonna push me on the ground, spit on me, and call me slurs

troy: we won't but will might :)

troy: hawk tua 🔥

AJ: HUHHHGH >??>:

corey: no comment 

debra: i take back everything i've ever said, dustin is the funniest person in this chat

chad: DUSTNIM LMAOOOO

batman: dustnim

GUNS: Please don't talk about this in main chat. I will pay you to shut up.

troy: lmao sorry nance

matilda: please explain ?

troy: calling jonathan 🗣️

joint: nope someone else is gonna have to take this one

debra: allow me

debra: [vid.hawktuah]

debra: in this situation that is will ^

matilda: ohhh okay

matilda: that is very gross but also very funny 

matilda: sorry mike but dustin wins 

troy: MY JOKE IS EL APPROVED 🔥🔥🔥🔥

troy: ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET ‼️

debra: WOOOOO!

chad: WE OUT HERE WITH A CELEBRITY 💯💯 💪

matilda: :)

AJ: smh

robin: wait can we talk about the hawk tuah girl scams please ??

troy: no 

troy: steve how did you know about miwi

AJ: is miwi our ship name 😍😍😍

chad: yes.

AJ: omg so cute i love it

AJ: will we are so cute

corey: yes we are babe <333 

(Private Chat) Max + Mike

October 4, 10:05 A.M.

cringefail: HE CALLED ME BABE I CANTTTT

loser: gay

cringefail: really 😨😨 😨 

The Banquet

October 4, 10:05 A.M.

batman: to answer dustins question i was there when it happened

robin: ???

batman: i was with jon ?

robin: ah

robin: gay

batman: yeah

joint: yeah

robin: is there any straights here?

troy: me

chad: LMAO THE CRICKETS

*chad has changed troy's name to token straight*

token straight: i long ago accepted my fate as the only straight person in this humble town

AJ: i read that in a rumpelstiltskin voice

debra: wtf is a rumpelstiltskin voice

AJ: ask ur mom

robin: great conversation everyone

token straight: ok but we're sure nobody else is straight right ?

AJ: no actually im so straight

robin: say sike right now

AJ: females 🤤

corey: SYBDSU

troy: sybdsu 🗣️🔥🔥

matilda: what does sybdsu mean?

debra: shut your big dick slurper up

AJ: youre actually so weird oml

GUNS: I'm getting Richie flashbacks

batman: who is richie

GUNS: dont get me started...

AJ: our gayass little cousin

batman: whats with the negative reaction??

AJ: he's a little shit

debra: great elaboration michael

robin: i've never really acknowledged the idea that mike and nancy had cousins and it's unsettling

AJ: yeah we have two

AJ: one is in maine and one is in like arizona or some shit 

GUNS: Boris lives in Vegas, Mike.

AJ: whatever

AJ: they're irrelevant though

AJ: the real topic of conversation is me and my adorable hot handsome boyfriend will 🥰

corey: aw mike 🥹

corey: somebody humble me pls my self esteem is too high rn

debra: i would not dare

chad: no fucking way

token straight: COMPLIMENT WILL TIME !!!

AJ: oml yes i love complimenting will

AJ: willllllll your art is so good

AJ: when you draw me stuff i feel so happy and loved

AJ: and you're so good at making me feel better when i'm overwhelmed or sad

chad: you're genuinely the nicest person out of all of us probably

chad: and you're like so funny

chad: your quips towards jon and el are priceless

debra: you're the only person who can keep mike sane and i commend you for that

joint: you are the most brillinat amazning person ever and i love tlaking to yiu and your muy best friend and i couldnt hope for a better brother and i love oyu so much

corey: guys 😭

corey: jon are you high

joint: yedds

token straight: you're such a good friend

token straight: ur the only person who believed in suzie and you were so sweet abt it

token straight: COUGH COUGH COUGH 

matilda: i've only had a real brother for 3 years and i love it. i'm so glad that my brother is you <3

corey: ok i'm crying /hj

corey: i love all of you guys too 😭

chad: LOVE U WILL

*8 people have loved a message*

Chapter Text

The Banquet

October 9, 12:34 P.M.

token straight: there's too many normal names in chat now

token straight: we need to fix this 

*token straight changed AJ’s name to EMO*

*token straight changed matilda’s name to eleanor rigby*

*token straight changed chad's name to Balls*

*token straight changed corey's name to andy warhol*

*token straight changed debra's name to sk8rgrl*

*token straight changed starfire's name to carrots*

robin: dustin wtf why is my beautiful girlfriend named carrots

token straight: red hair ??

carrots: My middle school bully called me carrots

token straight: damn i clocked that

carrots: I don't really care though! It's fine

eleanor rigby: i love the beatles! 😇

GUNS: I appreciate you keeping mine. 

token straight: of course nancy, wouldn't dream of changing it

The Banquet

October 10, 7:15 P.M.

robin: what are you guys going as for halloween???

robin: me and vickie (plus steve) are being heathers :)

token straight: wait who is steve going as?? the heathers are girls.

robin: ur so homophobic dustin. fyi steve EATS in plaid skirts

EMO: i dont doubt steve looking good in skirts but ill have you know that that statement put a deeply disturbing image in my head and i blame you robin.

sk8rgrl: share with the class pls?? 😊

EMO: no

robin: steve is gonna be JD tho

token straight: steve as the serial muederer makes sense

Balls: stonathan isn't doing a couples costume??

joint: im not dressing up

weed man: im wearing my weed suit.

token straight: what the fuck is a weed suit

weed man: [img.weed-suit]

robin: oh. its a literal marijuana leaf costume.

token straight: i don’t know what i expected.

EMO: ^ dead dove do not eat :(

token straight: i know you’re referencing ao3 but i’m choosing to believe you’re quoting arrested development

EMO: if that’s a veiled criticism about me, i won’t hear it and i won’t respond to it :( 

token straight: YOU WERE QUOTING ARRESTED DEV 🤩🤩

EMO: im neurodivergent, not uncultured 😔

sk8rgrl: lucas and i are going as shego and kim possible

robin: you two are… going as… lesbians?

sk8rgrl: it was lucas’s idea

sk8rgrl: i think his words were: “can i be the shego to your kim?”

Balls: those were my exact words

eleanor rigby: will says lucas would look hot as shego

Balls: me when a man calls me hot 😍😍

EMO: me when a man tries to steal my bf 😡😡

robin: me when a man 🤮🤮

joint: ellie why are you announcing everything for will

eleanor rigby: his phone died :( 

EMO: aw pookie wookie’s phone ran out of juice </3

eleanor rigby: will says shut up

EMO: GUYS I JUST REMEMBERED I GREW OUT OF MY PALADIN COSTUME 

EMO: I CANT WEAR IT ANYMORE !!!

EMO: I TRIED IT ON AND IT SUFFOCATED ME 

EMO: I HATE GROWTH SPURTS

EMO: I’VE WORN IT FOR LIKE FIVE YEARS IN A ROW

GUNS: He cried about it last night.

EMO: YOU DON’T GET IT NANCE

robin: mike!! capitals!!

(Private Chat) El + Mike

October 10, 7:31 P.M.

ellie <3: hey are you okay mike?

mikey: yeah im fine

ellie <3: are you sure that nancy making fun of your paladin costume isnt making you feel inferior and embarrassing for having a "special interest" and hyperfixation that is stereotypically nerdy and cringe

mikey: oh

ellie <3: i know you very well 

mikey: youre very emotionally intelligent

ellie <3: ❤️❤️

ellie <3: will says he is sorry and he wishes his phone was charging faster so he could be there for you 

ellie <3: i will change the subject in the main chat :)

mikey: i love you /p

mikey: and tell will i love him /r

ellie <3: “tell him i said hes an idiot but remind him i said it lovingly” -will

The Banquet

October 10, 7:33 P.M.

eleanor rigby: i want me and will to be mabel and dipper!! the mystery twins!

eleanor rigby: will says he did not agree to this

eleanor rigby: ))): please?

sk8rgrl: el you can talk to him in person

eleanor rigby: oh right 🥰

joint: wait if will is dipper then who does that make mike???

robin: candy?

robin: wendy?

EMO: absolutely the fuck not 

token straight: WAIT CAN I BE DIPPER??? PLEASE?

eleanor rigby: omg yes!! 😊will also says that sounds good

eleanor rigby: max do you want to be wendy??

sk8rgrl: wait what are the implications of that for me…

eleanor rigby: dw lucas can be robbie! so you don’t have to be a couple with dustin

Balls: not doing it.

eleanor rigby: mike as robbie?

sk8rgrl: thats even worse

EMO: im gay

robin: we know

EMO: anyway me and will were going to do a couples costume

EMO: we usually do anyway but like this the first year it's technically coupley

Balls: idk dressing up as a CLERIC and a PALADIN together four years in a row is pretty damn gay 

EMO: sybau </3

robin: well what are you doing?

EMO: we dont know yet

eleanor rigby: will says theres not enough recognizable gay people

token straight: yeah like who even is gay???

robin: bert and ernie

robin: frog and toad

robin: ken and allen

robin: rick and morty

robin: calvin and hobbs

Balls: CALVIN AND HOBBS ARE NOT GAY 😭😭

robin: fred and shaggy

EMO: … actually…

eleanor rigby: if they were fred and shaggy i could be scooby 🥰

EMO:  fred was my gay awakening (one of them)

eleanor rigby: will says mike would be cute as shaggy

eleanor rigby: oh he said i was not supposed to say that sorry

robin: yeah no being gay in chat

EMO: hypocrite 

Balls: you could always genderbend

Balls: like maybe rapunzel and flynn?

EMO: erm no thanks 

EMO: no way im being rapunzel

Balls: well i pictured will as being rapunzel since… youre 6’2.. and have black hair...

sk8rgrl: nah will is too attractive to not be flynn

eleanor rigby: “shut up max” - will

robin: what about a comic book? like superman and lois or smth??

EMO: superman was my actual 100% real gay awakening

*several users are typing*

sk8rgrl: el should be superman 😇 

EMO: nNO

EMO: NO

EMO: NO

Balls: omg 

EMO: FUCK YOU MAXINE

batman: um whats going on ?

sk8rgrl: you can FLY!

sk8rgrl: YoU can MoVE moUnTains!

sk8rgrl: I bEliEve rhat! I REALLY do!

EMO: stopppppp 

robin: what the fuck is going on 

Balls: and right now, you need to fIgHt!!

EMO: YOU TOLD LUCAS???

token straight: YOU NEED TO FIGHT! 

token straight: FIGHT EL!! FIGHT!

sk8rgrl: and dustin :)

eleanor rigby: guys don't make me remember that :(( it was traumatic

eleanor rigby: “yeah and it wasn’t fun for me either” - will

EMO: and what if i went back to the quarry?? /srs

GUNS: Mike…

eleanor rigby: mike

eleanor rigby: will says “mike” too :(

EMO: sorry 

joint: yeah you SHOULD be sorry i had to watch that shitshow in person

sk8rgrl: drop ✊😞 in the chat if you had to witness this

sk8rgrl: ✊😞

eleanor rigby: ✊😞 

eleanor rigby: ✊😞 -will

joint: ✊😞

weed man: ✊😞

batman: btw nobody has explained yet??

joint: /ij

sk8rgrl: we can save it for another time

GUNS: To be honest this conversation is giving "six little nuggets"

joint: LMAO PLSSSS

batman: nance ...

batman: not in front of jom :(

token straight: jom

*token straight changed joint's name to jom*

robin: 1000 IQ pullout from nancy 🔥

sk8rgrl: lmao couldn't be mike's parents

EMO: MAXINE MAYFIELD

GUNS: Oh my god shut up

EMO: EWWEWWEW SYBAU SYBAU

Balls: ok so im changing the topic....

Balls: mike will any good suggestions

EMO: i like the comic book route

EMO: NOT SUPERMAN.

robin: what about spiderman and mj? but like make mj a boy?

EMO: one moment.

GUNS: Mike just got up and left the living room, by the way.

robin: thanks for the narration nance

eleanor rigby: mike?? 

eleanor rigby: (btw this is will bc ellie has to do the dishes)

batman: im concerned about moke

robin: moke

Balls: moke

*token straight changed EMO's name to MOKE*

amERICA: i just got here and i think everyone forgot about the weed costume a little too fast

amERICA: also from context clues i think mike left with a boner

MOKE: omfg i did not do that

sk8rgrl: LMAOOO ILY ERICA

robin: disgusting i hate men

robin: esp gay men 

MOKE: /j???

robin: no. (yes)

MOKE: confused

GUNS: You guys overreacted, he was just blushing and I assume he didn’t want Dad to see him blushing at his phone. 

eleanor rigby: oh so i made you blush?? 😏😏

Balls: i know thats will speaking but its very unsettling to see that message come from el’s phone

jom: i dont think it would be much better coming from WILL'S phone

Balls: touche

MOKE: t bh will would look really super adorable hot as spider man

eleanor rigby: i am back

eleanor rigby: will is blushing now 

token straight: get a room you two

robin: yeah no gay in chat

MOKE: jesus sorry for being gay for my lovely hot attractive boyfriend 🙄

MOKE: sorry im overcompensating now that i can finally say will is attractive 🙄🙄

token straight: tbf you did before you were dsting, you were just more... subtle

MOKE: sybau

sk8rgrl: aww baby mike has a new favorite phrase 🥰🥰

MOKE: 🖕🖕🖕

batman: tbh jonathan is the hottest byers 

batman: something in me changed when they punched me in the face all those years ago

jom: ilyt steve <3

eleanor rigby: guys stop calling my siblings hot :(((

eleanor rigby: they are gross and weird. and they leave the toilet seat up 

amERICA: preach

Balls: wait lets go back since when was ERICA in this chat??????????????

amERICA: since forever, i just lurk

amERICA: y’all are less interesting than tina

Balls: fuck you 🗣️🔥

amERICA: i'm gon tell mom u said that 🗣️🔥

Balls: i'll tell her what u said abt mike 🗣️🔥🗣️🔥🗣️🔥🗣️🔥

amERICA: sigh 

robin: ugh i wish i had siblings </3

Chapter Text

The Party

October 14, 2:13 A.M.

bard: guys

bard: guys

bard: guys

bard: guys

zoomer: dustin. what the hell.

zoomer: it is two am.

bard: guys

bard: oh thank god you're here 🙏🙏😓

bard: i need help

bard: so picture this …

bard: it's one in the afternoon and it's bright and sunny and i'm panicking

zoomer: OH MY GOD. I DONT CARE.

zoomer: JUST SPIT IT OUT.

bard: jeez i was setting the scene forgive me for making a narrative 🙄🙄

zoomer: i will end you. 

paladin: oh My God. it is the middle of the night why are you spamming us?

bard: i can't rejemenber what the calc test on monday is on

zoomer: its chapter 7 sections a to g you fucking dolt

bard: thank you max!!! from this piont on i ow you my life 🙏🙏🙏

paladin: great amazing glad we're all happy

paladin: now stop texting or you will wake up will and el.

mage: too late :(

zoomer: dustin i am going to murder you with my bare hands

paladin: ^^

bard: i'm so sorry el! i didn't mean to wake you 😭

mage: it is ok! i was going to wake up anyway 

mage: will and jonathan are being loud

cleric: we re watching stand by me and crying

paladin: omg hey will!

cleric: hi mike :)

paladin: <333

zoomer: smooth.

(Private Chat) Max + Mike

October 14, 2:18 A.M.

loser: your gay is showing 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨💫💫

cringefail: my WHAT . 😨😨😱😱😱😱😰🤯

loser: 🗣️🔥🔥💯💯🥀 SLUR! 🗣️🔥🔥🔥🥀💯🔥

cringefail: 😭😭💔💔💔🥀🥀😞😞 im heart brokem

The Party

October 14, 2:18 A.M.

cleric: well i'm sorry for waking you up el

mage: i get it. it is a good movie <3

cleric: <3

bard: wonder twins strike again ❣️

bard: we are forever united by our lpve for them

zoomer: no we are not united. you are not off the hook yet henderson.

bard: oh no 😱😱😱 max is mad 😱😱 whatever will i do 😱😱

paladin: Die.

zoomer: ^

bard: wow okay rude ignoring that

paladin: I'm serious. This is a threat.

zoomer: it is

mage: guys stop you're being mean 

zoomer: no

paladin: no

cleric: yeah guys its 2 am leave him alone

cleric: he just wanted homework help 

paladin: fine. sorry dustin /srs

zoomer: he Folded so fast

paladin: i hate you 🖕🖕

zoomer: i hate you more 🖕🖕🖕

paladin: i hate you most 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

cleric: guys please go to sleep

cleric: why were you awake in the first place

paladin: depression

bard: i don't need sleep

bard: i need ANSWERS

zoomer: oh my god

bard: i need to determine where in this SWAMP of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth! 🤪🤪🦠🦠

zoomer: for the love of all that is good and holy

zoomer: stop qyoting the big bang thoery

cleric: go to sleep. please

paladin: you heard him. sleep

cleric: shut up mike

paladin: make me

cleric: gladly ❤️😘

zoomer: stop. texting.

bard: NO!!!!

*zoomer left the chat*

paladin: good riddance.

cleric: guys sleep or im leaving too 

paladin: noooo dont leave, your so sexy aha ❤️

bard: ^simp

bard: smh 🙄🙄

mage: gn guys !!

cleric: goodnight

bard: gnnn

paladin: night

The Party

October 14, 8:32 A.M.

ranger: what is wrong with you guys

ranger: I wake up at a reasonable hour and I see this

bard: "reasonable hour" meanwhile bro wakes up at 8:30 💀

ranger: you're literally also awake smh

ranger: what even happened

bard: backread.

ranger: kk

ranger: oh my god

ranger: I'm adding Max back

*ranger added zoomer to the chat*

zoomer: thanks ❤️ 

ranger: anytime babe ❤️

paladin: gross .

mage: 🧀☀️!

mage: gouda morning! like good morning but with cheese 😇

cleric: thats funny el!

paladin: el youre amazing

paladin: if i was a girl i would go so lesbian for you 

bard: just,,, be straight?

paladin: WOWW LIVE FOOTAGE OF VILLAGE HOMOPHOBE DUSTIN TELLING ME TO BE STRAIGHT 😐😐😑😐

ranger: WOAHHH NO WAY

*ranger took a screenshot*

*paladin took a screenshot*

bard: killing myself /j

paladin: noooo dont kys your so sexy aha

bard: 🤬🤬

bard: ^ me calling u slurs

paladin: 🤬🤬

paladin: me calling YOU slurs

ranger: wait are there straight slurs?? /gen

paladin: hmmm

zoomer: no, i looked it up yesterday

cleric: hot take

cleric: how about NO slurs? /srs

paladin: ^ fact got.

cleric: ^ bottom.

ranger: HELP WILL CLAPPED BACK SO FAST 😭😭

zoomer: the silence is deafening

bard: mike? your response?

paladin: if bottoming my amazing hot beautiful flawless attractive boyfriend is wrong, i dont ever want to be right ❤️

cleric: love you too mike ❤️

paladin: 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

ranger: bro uses the light skin emojis 💀

paladin: would you rather me use the black ones??

ranger: its just that white people dont usually do that

paladin: strange.

paladin: i guess im... just... not like the other white ppl... 🎀

ranger: KMS-ing

ranger: also wait I just realized

ranger: do y'all not silence your phones at night???

mage: how do i silence a phone? ;-;

ranger: William Byers

cleric: yes?

ranger: show El how to silence her phone

cleric: ok! el come here

mage: ok!

ranger: so like now I know that El doesn’t know how to do it but what about the rest of you

ranger: what’s ur excuse

zoomer: silencing your phone is psycho behavior

paladin: ^^

zoomer: not as psycho as using the white emojis tho

paladin: bitch. 

paladin: i was agreeing with you.

zoomer: twink

paladin: ginger

zoomer: oooh i’m so offended

zoomer: how dare you ues a name that is an observational fact

paladin: *use

zoomer: fuck you

paladin: grow a dick first 

ranfer: ASJDJFJKLMSJN

zoomer: screaming crying throwing up 🤢😭

bard: guys get a room

paladin: KYS 

zoomer: care to demonstrate?? <33

cleric: stop.

paladin: okay!

mage: will taught me how to use disturb mode!! 😊😊

mage: thank you will! the others will not wake me any mre

cleric: its called do not disturb, el! but your welcome

ranger: I’m still confused why you think do not disturb is weird

ranger: but I’ll let it slide.

bard: personally i have fomo stemming from the summer before 9th grade 😞😞

zoomer: oh god

bard: i don’t want to be left out again

bard: so i never turn off my phone just in case

zoomer: dramatic ass

cleric: no no, that’s fair

cleric: im here for u dustin

cleric: we have overcome the trauma of That Summer ™ forever

zoomer: tbf everything that happened that summer was mikes fault 🙄

paladin: I hate you all.

cleric: 😞

paladin: Except for Will.

cleric: :) <3

ranger: you have such low standards william.

cleric: sybau 🖕

The Party

October 15, 3:07 P.M.

bard: guys i think i failed the test

zoomer: literally the worst grade you've ever gotten is a 83

zoomer: you're fine.

ranger: I wouldn't be too sure about that, that was BRUTAL

paladin: yeah lowkey i wish i was still suspended 💔

bard: not helping fam

ranger: I'm kidding Dustin, you probably did good

paladin: what did you guys get for question eight?

bard: i dont fucking remember

ranger: 4pi/3

zoomer: 4pi/3

cleric: 4pi/3

paladin: ok thats what i got

cleric: not to be mean but half of the test was just the unit circle, which we had a cheat sheet for

cleric: you guys are overreacting

bard: yeah ik, i just like being dramatic 🤪🤪🤪

zoomer: stop using that emoji.

mage: max is right. it is weird.

bard: 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

zoomer: i will leave again

ranger: no!!

bard: fine

Chapter Text

The Banquet

October 28, 10:17 A.M.

robin: hello im bored

batman: hi bored im steve

robin: sybau

robin: what is everyone BESIDES STEVE doing on this fine morning?

GUNS: Finishing a lego set

robin: sick what kind

GUNS: Notre Dame

GUNS: It's building four in my Lego Architecture collection.

robin: send us a pic when its done !!

GUNS: 👍🏻

andy warhol: im playing runescape with mike

token straight: osrs or rs3

andy warhol: rs3 

MOKE: my brain cannot comprehend osrs 

amERICA: nerd alert !

Balls: shut up erica you watch yt videos about the sims 4

amERICA: and i'm not ashamed 

carrots: WAIT ERICA DO YOU WATCH LILSIMSIE

amERICA: YESS

carrots: AHH I LOVE HER

carrots: You are officially my favorite child ☺️

carrots: Besides El of course

amERICA: i completely accept this role

robin: omg vickie we should adopt erica

carrots: omg yes we should

amERICA: im so down 

robin: ahhh yayy!

carrots: love you both 

*two people loved a message*

Balls: Erica go away

Balls: I'm playing roblox

amERICA: 🖕🏿🖕🏿

robin: don't talk to my daughter that way 🤬

carrots: You tell him babe!! 💞

andy warhol: as much as i love lesbians im curious

andy warhol: lucas what game are you playing

Balls: ed sheeran's toe obby

sk8rgrl: you may think he is joking but he is not

sk8rgrl: i can see him on my friends list

eleanor rigby: i am going to join!!

Balls: yess please do!

token straight: I'M MAKING BROWNIES !! 🗣️🔥🔥🔥💯💯🤙🏻🤙🏻

token straight: AND I WONT BURN THEM THIS TIME ONG FR 🗣️🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

token straight: side note i figured out why ive burned four batches of brownies this month

token straight: i was using the time on the box for a 8x8 pan and not a 13x9 pan 😜

batman: youve burned four boxes of brownies this month

token straight: yeah i burn a lot of food 💔🥀

token straight: somtimes i dont hear the timer and sometimes i snooze the timer

token straight: i have to sit on the ground in front of the oven while something cooks or i wont take it out

sk8rgrl: dustin are you currently sitting on the ground in front of the oven

token straight: [img.sittingontheground]

sk8rgrl: youre a  loser

token straight: spit your ableist rhetoric somewhere else smh 🙄🙄💯💯💯🥀🥀

andy warhol: wow ableism in chat rude

sk8rgrl: sybau </3

GUNS: [img.legonotredame]

robin: omg nance that's so cool!!

weed man: dammn its soi small in person

GUNS: It's legos, Argyle

weed man: oh shit man, xool

MOKE: wow nancy is such a nerd 🥀

GUNS: I decided for reasons not relevant to this chat that I should send this picture.

GUNS: [img.mikeplayingrunescape]

Balls: tag yourself

Balls: I'm mike's batshit crazy hair

token straight: i'm his tiktok "restocking my fridge asmr" level sweater hands

sk8rgrl: im their eyebags 

MOKE: STFU 

MOKE: nancy i cant believe youd betray me like this!! 

andy warhol: aww he's so cute! <33

MOKE: aww thanks will 🥰🥰

MOKE: i take it back its all good now

robin: why is their pc setup kinda fire ngl <3

jom: they've got rich parents

robin: touche

eleanor rigby: mike is so... skrunkly 🎀💓

MOKE: what.

token straight: LMAOOOO

robin: im crying they are literally so skrunkly

*andy warhol changed MOKE's name to skrunkly <3*

skrunkly <3: babeee, 😭😭

andy warhol: what i didnt do anything trust 🙏❤️

skrunkly <3: id ont want to be skunky

token straight: skunky lmao

sk8rgrl: tbf skunky is more accurate

skrunkly <3: kys

sk8rgrl: ladies first !

skrunkly <3: tried it once. it didnt work. 😞

sk8rgrl: pussy 🗣️🔥🔥

skrunkly <3: ableist 🗣️🔥🔥

GUNS: Can we please not joke about this subject?

skrunkly <3: says the neurotypical lmao

GUNS: I meant the other thing.

skrunkly <3: ...pussy?

GUNS: Michael James Wheeler. You know what I mean.

skrunkly <3: im humming and my fingers are in my ears so i cant hear you

andy warhol: mike.

skrunkly <3: sorry will i was kidding :(

andy warhol: its ok mike :)) i just want you to be safe

skrunkly <3: thanks will ily <333

GUNS: I need to know just what exactly Will does to Mike to get him to behave so that I can do it too.

GUNS: Please give me your secrets Will.

andy warhol: ew nancy hes gay and youre siblings, thats so gross :( 

GUNS: WILL THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT !!!

token straight: will i love you that was so funny

robin: lmaooo

eleanor rigby: will that is gross 🤢

andy warhol: shrug

Balls: wait question if Mike is skrunkly then what is Will because Will is NOT skrunkly

skrunkly <3: hot

andy warhol: babe im blushing

skrunkly <3: A HOTTIE  CALLED ME BABE  😍

sk8rgrl: shut ur damn mouths

skrunkly <3: make me 

andy warhol: michael is this your way of sayjng you want an open relationship

skrunkly <3: ASKDJGJGNGNG I MEANT SHE WOULD MURDER ME .💀

sk8rgrl: i would much prefer the latter

token straight: "i would much prefer the latter 👆🤓"

sk8rgrl: sybau 🖕🖕🖕

Balls: hey Will :))

Balls: I see you're available now :)))

andy warhol: 👀 maybe i am

Balls: you wanna make out in a gay way?? 👨‍❤️‍👨👨‍❤️‍👨

andy warhol: absolutely my lukie pookie 

Balls: aw ilysm my amazing attractive Willy Billy 

skrunkly <3: GET UR HANDS IFF MY BOYFRIEND 😡😡

sk8rgrl: wow so homophobic mjke

sk8rgrl: i for one support the fulfilment my boyfriends primal homosexual urges

Balls: omg so sweet babe ❤️

sk8rgrl: omg ofc babe ❤️

skrunkly <3: i am a biological male

skrunkly <3: my boyfriend can fulfill any and all of his homosexual urges with ME

sk8rgrl: clearly not if he has to turn to my bf

skrunkly <3: cryimg 😭

andy warhol: aww dont worry bb

andy warhol: you will always and forever satisfy my urges ❤️❤️

skrunkly <3: and you will always satisfy mine ❤️❤️

token straight: lmao thats the shit nancy can't do for mike unless she wants a seven limbed baby

GUNS: DUSTIN OH MY GOD 

GUNS: THATS DISGUSTING

eleanor rigby: ew ew ew ew ew

skrunkly <3: im actually vomitting rn

skrunkly <3: both by that comment and by the fact that my name is still fucking skrunkly

skrunkly <3: someone change it

*sk8rgrl changed skrunkly <3's name to RAP DEVIL*

RAP DEVIL: no.

*Balls changed RAP DEVIL's name to Avril Lavigne Stan* 

Avril Lavigne Stan: i will never beat the allegations

*robin changed Avril Lavigne Stan's name to MOLE RAT*

MOLE RAT: i give up.

token straight: AYEEE BROWNIES ARE DONE 🔥🔥🔥🔥

token straight: off topic but its lowkey evil that there is no brownie emoji

eleanor rigby: I WANT BROWNIES !! 💓💓💓💓💓

skrunkly <3: wait i want brownies too

Balls: samesies !

sk8rgrl: never fucking say that again

MOLE RAT: samesies

robin: samesies

token straight: samesies

andy warhol: samesies

sk8rgrl: yeah i need to stop walking into that

sk8rgrl: but i do too lowke

eleanor rigby: jon can you take me to get brownies from dustin???

jom: if hes fine with it sure

token straight: omg pls do!! anything for u el 🥰

sk8rgrl: stevieeee

batman: yes me and robin will pick u guys up

MOLE RAT: thanksss

Balls: you're the best parental figure steve

jom: Hey.

robin: that text was so fucking ominous

sk8rgrl: and fast, jon responded immediately

eleanor rigby: jon and steve will be the best parents ❤️❤️

andy warhol: fr

*token straight changed jom's name to jeve*

*token straight changed batman's name to ston*

MOLE RAT: sticky situation

MOLE RAT: i hate gay people but also i want jonathan and steve to adopt me </3

andy warhol: u hate gay ppl .?😰

jeve: if i adopted you then will would be your uncle

MOLE RAT: ew fuck no nvm

token straight: kinky~

MOLE RAT: OHHHHHH MY GOD STFU DUSTIN

sk8rgrl: ssASDFNJN HELLP IM DYKING

robin: i love dyking ❤️👩‍❤️‍👩🏳️‍🌈🌈

carrots: We know

MOLE RAT: well its okay if jon and steve cant adopt me ill settle for robin and vickie

*token straight changed robin's name to mother*

*token straight changed carrots's name to mother 2*

mother: sorry guys i already have one kid and thats enough

amERICA: yeah im better than all yall put together

mother: absolutely

eleanor rigby: DUSTIN WE ARE OUTSIDE 🥰🥰🥰

andy warhol: Open the f ucking door

token straight: jesus alright

mother: lord what happened to will 😭

andy warhol: im fucking. hungry

sk8rgrl: will byers villain arc when???

andy warhol: growl

MOLE RAT: [voicemsg(1:32)]

sk8rgrl: WHAT THE FUC K 😀😀😀😀

MOLE RAT: when boyfie says growl i growl

mother: i do not think that thats what will meant

andy warhol: It Is Not What I Meant.

MOLE RAT: 💔💔oh 

andy warhol: its ok bb ill always support your growling endevors ❤️❤️

andy warhol: ilysm ❤️❤️

MOLE RAT: aaah ilyt 💞💓

Balls: we are here now 

Balls: stop being gay

MOLE RAT: fuck u

sk8rgrl: not enough people reacted poorly to that growl .

Chapter Text

The Banquet

October 31, 10:23 A.M.

token straight: CANT WAIT TO SEE EVERYONE TONIGHT 🗣️🗣️🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

eleanor rigby: me too!!! 🥰🥰

MOLE RAT: huh .?

sk8rgrl: what

token straight: halloween??? your mom is having us over for movies??

MOLE RAT: oh rightttt

sk8rgrl: LMAO bro rlly forgot about the party he's hosting

MOLE RAT: literally you forgot too

sk8rgrl: yeah but its different because its not AT MY HOUSE

ston: speaking of which what time are we meeting?? we never actually settled that

MOLE RAT: me and will are taking holly trick or treating at about 6:30

MOLE RAT: so 7:15-ish? she won't want to be out for long

mother: important question what is holly dressing up as ??

MOLE RAT: she found out me and will were being spiderman and mj and she insisted on being venom

eleanor rigby: wait i want to go trick or treating too!!

token straight: i'm down to go too! 🥰🥰

Balls: shit count me and max in then

sk8rgrl: ^^

MOLE RAT:  ok cool

MOLE RAT: meet us at my house at 6:30 and then we can go to the rich side of the neighborhood

MOLE RAT: ms leonard gives out full sized candy bars to teenagers only

token straight: hell yeah lets take those motherfuckers from the kids 🔥

mother: send us pics u guys

MOLE RAT: you will literally be seeing us in costume at the party though 

mother: suddenly i cannot hear ☺️

MOLE RAT: this is text

mother: suddenly i cannot read ☺️☺️☺️

MOLE RAT: 🖕

andy warhol: see you guys tonight

The Banquet

October 31, 7:03 P.M.

sk8rgrl: i fucking hate this fucking town

mother: real

ston: what happened???

Balls: we all were outside for thirty minutes and were called three different slurs.

Balls: just because Mike and Will were holding hands

Balls: and also because me and Max were

mother: ugh that's so awful

token straight: fr like how can you be racist and homophobic in 2025?? 🙄🙄🖕

sk8rgrl: on the bright side holly fucking OWNED them

sk8rgrl: i guess nancy's teachings about homophobia were educational

mother: wait what did she say??

andy warhol: someone said something like "go fuck your f*g boyfriend"

andy warhol: and then holly said "you're just jealous because you don't have a boyfriend and you have to hide your true feelings"

mother: lmaoooo

MOLE RAT: yeah i think that one came from nancy's talk with holly about my internalised homophobia 💔

mother: holy shit what

jeve: nancy did what

MOLE RAT: a story for another time lmao

sk8rgrl: gay ppl smh 🙄

gay/lesbian solidarity

October 31, 7:32 P.M.

robin: hey are you guys doing alright??

will: yeah we're fine!

will: used to it unfortunately

mike: that but also its much easier to ignore homophobia when i know that my feelings are requited 

mike: also because i get to kiss will and their lame closetted asses dont 🎀

will: awww ilysm mikey ❤️❤️🥰🥰

mike: ilytttt ❤️❤️😍

robin: barf

robin: ur so whipped smh 🙄

will: you and vickie moved in together after like two weeks you cannot talk

mike: uhaul lesbians smh

robin: vickie is bi 

mike: 👆🤓

robin: biphobe

mike: mouthbreather

robin: bro

The Banquet

October 31, 7:37 P.M.

mother: mike just called me a mouthbreather in the big year 2025 💀💀💀

MOLE RAT: sybauuuuuu

MOLE RAT: robin buckley is making fun of my vocal stim in the big year 2025 🗣️🔥🔥🤬

mother: it was literally a text

MOLE RAT: lalalala i cant hear you

mother: kys

ston: robin you cant say that to a minor !!

MOLE RAT: im gonna report you in for child endagerment 😁😁

mother: k . ysssss

GUNS: Robin, do I need to shoot you for being aggressive towards my brother?

mother: No Sir 🫡

GUNS: Be nice in chat please.

mother: SIR YES SIR 🫡🫡

token straight: wow robin here misgendering people in the big year 2025 💀

ston: shut up in chat

ston: also me and jon are on our way

carrots: Me and Robin are, too!

carrots: See you in a few!

(Private Chat) Vickie + Robin

October 31, 10:57 P.M.

vick <3: Hey 

robs <3: wow, texting when we are together in person?? scandalous

vick <3: I had to be quiet.

vick <3: does Will seem spacey to you? 

robs <3: yeah he does

vick <3: Do you think it's because of what happened earlier?

robs <3: oh no

robs <3: i think this time of year is just really hard for him

robs <3: because, yk, he went missing and stuff

vick <3: ohhh i forgot about that

vick <3: Poor kid :(

robs <3: yeah :(

vick <3: I'm going to go get another Dr Pepper, you want one??

robs <3: yessss plsssss 😍😍😍

vick <3: Lol okay ❤️

robs <3: ❤️❤️ 

Chapter Text

The Banquet

November 2, 6:17 P.M.

GUNS: Michael James Wheeler, stop listening to emo music and get your ass down here for dinner.

GUNS: Oops, wrong chat, sorry 

sk8rgrl: asfjknsadfknads

MOLE RAT: i dont want to come to dinnerrrr

GUNS: Loser,

MOLE RAT: asshole

mother: wait i just got an idea

mother: what is everyone's favorite songs

jeve: the smiths

mother: that is not a song

jeve: i dont care ❤️

Balls: i like literally anything by Tyler the Creator

sk8rgrl: also anything by tyler the creator

eleanor rigby: i love lizzy mcalpine!!

eleanor rigby: my favorite is orange show speedway :)

token straight: the dumb song by ajr

MOLE RAT: well it really depends on the artist

MOLE RAT: noah kahan = growing sideways

MOLE RAT: tv girl = it almost worked

MOLE RAT: alex g = pretend

MOLE RAT: modern baseball = just another face

MOLE RAT: cavetown = this is home

Balls: damn...

token straight: maybe your mental illness would be cured if you listened to happy music instead of that sad shit 😊😊

MOLE RAT: sybau </3

sk8rgrl: mike you listen to such loser virgin music

MOLE RAT: IM NOT A VIRGIN

sk8rgrl: i absolutely do not believe you

andy warhol: they're not a virgin

Balls: our lord and savior has spoken

Balls: mike is not a virgin

token straight: i love how neither mike nor will denied the "loser" allegations

andy warhol: no mikes a loser

andy warhol: but they're my loser ❤️❤️❤️

MOLE RAT: aww ilyt ❤️❤️

andy warhol: also my favorite song is boys dont cry

sk8rgrl: lmao vintage wannabe ass bitch

sk8rgrl: (im sorry dont kill me pls)

andy warhol: dw i wont kill you

MOLE RAT: i might 😡

GUNS: Stop talking about this and come down for dinner.

MOLE RAT: chill im coming

token straight: thats what she said

Balls: lmaooooo

MOLE RAT: dustin get better jokes

token straight: get a better music taste 😊

MOLE RAT: my music taste is impeccable

MOLE RAT: fuck you

MOLE RAT: also you listen to AJR exclusively

MOLE RAT: you CANNOT talk about good music taste

token straight: ajr drops BANGERS, youre just a hater 💔💔

mother: yeah i agree ajr is good

Balls: I'm sorry Robin but that is the most lesbian opinion you've ever had

mother: no comment 😇

token straight: also mike i cant sacrifice my weird and quirky single 30 year old man aesthetic just to listen to emo music

sk8rgrl: dustin absolutely did not just call himself aesthetic

token straight: fuck u i am so aesthetic

MOLE RAT: my aesthetic is trans masc stoner bella swan

andy warhol: that is... actually really accurate...

Balls: it really is

*token straight changed MOLE RAT's name to SPIDER MONKEY*

token straight: hold on tight spider monkey 🥵🥵🥵

SPIDER MONKEY: KYSSSS.SSS

token straight: love you too

SPIDER MONKEY: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

mother: wait if mike is bella, does that make will edward?

andy warhol: NO

*token straight changed andy warhol's name to edward cullen*

edward cullen: my aesthetic is hating heterosexuals (d*st*n)

token straight: ❤️❤️

sk8rgrl: my aesthetic is hating every single thing that comes out of mike's mouth /srs

SPIDER MONKEY: sybau 🖕🖕

Balls: wait if Mike is Bella and Will is Edward...

Balls: is El... Jacob...?

*token straight changed eleanor rigby's name to loca*

loca: what?

token straight: whErE tHe hEll hAvE you BeeN LoCa??? - jacob black

mother: NOOOO DONT BESTOW THAT ON HER :((

sk8rgrl: bro she is soo far above him </333

token straight: you're right sorry 💔

*token straight changed loca's name to Superman*

SPIDER MONKEY: fuck you dustin

Superman: yeah fuck you >:(

edward cullen: off topic but el saying fuck healed me

sk8rgrl: me tooo

Superman: it is fun >:)

SPIDER MONKEY: el i love you so much /p

Superman: i love you too mike!

*SPIDER MONKEY changed Superman's name to ellie 🩷*

*SPIDER MONKEY changed edward cullen's name to hottie with a body*

ellie 🩷: thank you mike :)

hottie with a body: muke...

token straight: lmao muke

SPIDER MONKEY: </3

ellie 🩷: guys i have a question

ellie 🩷: who are bella jacob and edward? :o

sk8rgrl: twilight characters

sk8rgrl: don't watch it

ellie 🩷: why not?

token straight: no el you NEED to watch it

token straight: but like ironically

hottie with a body: i agree theyre so funny

mother: guyssss im at work i cant have a minor popping up in my notifs as "hottie with a body" 😭🥀💔

*mother changed hottie with a body's name to gigachad*

SPIDER MONKEY: robinnnn how could you change itttt 

SPIDER MONKEY: thats so homophobicccc

mother: sorry twink </3

gigachad: robin why gigachad

mother: ur literally so buff wdym

SPIDER MONKEY: can confirm 👍

Balls: yeah he's so swole fr

sk8rgrl: i just lost all attraction to lucas for saying that

sk8rgrl: will can you date me instead

gigachad: no, i call lucas you can date muke

SPIDER MONKEY: yeah come here bbg 😼

sk8rgrl: EW EW EW EW EW 

mother: rofl

token straight: bro nobodys said rofl in like ten years

mother: ky,s

ston: robin stop threatening minors

GUNS: Mike put down your phone at the table. Mom is mad

SPIDER MONKEY: lmao L + ratskfnanj

token straight: *ratio

GUNS: Mom grabbed their phone mid sentence

token straight: LMAOO lets send him some freaky notifs

Balls: cum

Balls:  and balls

ellie 🩷: HAWK TUA!!! ☺️☺️☺️

token straight: dicks dicks dicks

Balls: character AI <333

gigachad: mike is my babygirl

token straight: FUCK CONDOMS ‼️‼️‼️

SPIDER MONKEY: love you too guys

Balls: bro 

SPIDER MONKEY: my mom is quote un quote "sex positive" so i think youre gonna have to try harder to weird her out

SPIDER MONKEY: also dinner is over

SPIDER MONKEY: and will you know i would do anything for you but... babygirl is nearing the line...

sk8rgrl: bitch you dont have to say quote un quote when you LITERALLY HAVE QUOTATION MARKS

Balls: also you're  such a simp

sk8rgrl: yeah youre a simp

token straight: simp!!! 

ellie 🩷: what is a simp

sk8rgrl: someone that is overly nice to their partner

ellie 🩷: oh! then mike is a simp!

SPIDER MONKEY: ok well sorry im in a happy healthy relationship with a man i adore 🙄

SPIDER MONKEY: ill try not to be so gay in front of you homophobes

Balls: gayness is not acceptable /srs

sk8rgrl: i am feeling particularly socially righteous today so i will break up with you for being homophobic😡

Balls: no no!!! I’m kidding. gay ppl are alright

Balls: ily <333

sk8rgrl: ...

sk8rgrl: <3

SPIDER MONKEY: simps.

*read by everyone at 6:31*

SPIDER MONKEY: why is nobody saying simp??

ellie 🩷: i think… you are the simp mike 🫶🫶

token straight: ooooh get his ass el!

SPIDER MONKEY: okw well i'm a simp and i'm proud 

gigachad: love youuu ❤️❤️❤️😍😍😍

SPIDER MONKEY: ily moreee ❤️❤️🥰

mother: i hate gay men.

SPIDER MONKEY: um???

SPIDER MONKEY: im not a man??? 😮‍💨

mother: i hate gay men and mike*

jeve: do you hate me

mother: no

mother: just mike

SPIDER MONKEY: sybau </3

SPIDER MONKEY: alexa play ur gonna wish u believed me by cavetown 

boyfriends <3

November 2, 7:02 P.M.

cleric 💛: mike...

paladin 💙: yes will?? 😊

cleric 💛: dont joke abt that pls

paladin 💙: it wasnt a joke haha

cleric 💛: ....

paladin 💙: sorry 

paladin 💙: its just one of those days /srs

cleric 💛: i know 

cleric 💛: but i love you 

cleric 💛: dont do anything impulsive

paladin 💙: i wont

paladin 💙: trust 🙏

cleric 💛: ilysm <3

paladin 💙: ily moree <33

cleric 💛: not possible mf <333

paladin 💙: i love you to infinity and beyond times infinity no take backs <33333

cleric 💛: you won this time wheeler

cleric 💛: but this victory will not last

cleric 💛: i will win next time

paladin 💙: u can sure try <3

cleric 💛:  mkay if you say so 

cleric 💛: ly <3

paladin 💙: <3

Chapter Text

New Chat

November 6, 09:04 A.M.

*Mike added Jonathan, Max, and 3 others*

Mike: I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL SOMEBODY

Mike: SOMEONG FUCKING SPRAWY PAINTED THE WORD "ZOMBIEBOY" ON WILLS LOCKER

Max: no fucking way

Mike: YES FUCKING WAY

Mike: [img.locker]

Mike: on litherally NOVEMBER 6 OF ALL GODDANM DAYS

Mike: i'm literaly fumin gh right now

Mike: i'm going to beat up whoiever the hell did this

Dustin: what the fuck?????

Lucas: okay I'm going to commit manslaughter

El: i will break someone's nose again >:((((

Max: i will break more than their noses im so serious

Max: i will snap their dicks in half with no hesitation

Dustin: ^^^^

Mike: does anyone know where will is?? i cant find him and im trying to figure out if he's seen it yet

El: he was in my last class

Max: have you texted him

Mike: oh shit i didn't think of that brb

(Private Chat) Will + Mike

November 6, 9:07 A.M.

paladin 💙: are you ok?? I cant find you

cleric 💛: i'm alright i just went home

cleric 💛: i'm really depersonalized today and being at school was making me kinda dizzy

paladin 💙: i'm so sorry :(

paladin 💙: i get that and it sucks

paladin 💙: did jonathan pick you up?

cleric 💛: yeah

cleric 💛: i'll be fine though

paladin 💙: im gonna skip and come stay with you

cleric 💛: are you sure?? you dont have to

paladin 💙: no i want to

paladin 💙: unless u dont want me to

cleric 💛: no i always want you to 

cleric 💛: i love you

paladin 💙: love you more <33

The Wheelers

November 6, 9:20 P.M.

Mike: can you call and sign me out of school so I can go to will's?? it's urgent

Karen: Sure, baby. Just remember to make up your work today. 🥰

Mike: i will, thanks mom

New Chat

November 6, 09:25 A.M.

Mike: hey i just left so i wont be at lunch

Mike: i'm going to will's house, he's at home

El: tell him we love him <3

Mike: yeah ofc

*5 people liked a message*

The Banquet

November 6, 11:23 A.M.

Balls: hey we just got to lunch

Balls: @Will @Mike what are you guys doing??

EMO: i made geilled cheese and now we are watcging dimension 20

EMO: well technically i am watvhing dimension 20 but will fell aslrep

ellie 🩷: aww i love seeing will aslrep 😊 /joking!

sk8rgrl: what the hell is wrong with your spelling 

EMO: sorry im kimda high

token straight: ????

EMO: jon gavbe us weed to relax

sk8rgrl: is that helping

EMO: yeah will calmed doen a lot

EMO: hes aslso like really clingy

EMO: its weird becus usually id be super overstumulayrd about it

EMO: but i think the drugs are making me okay with it 

EMO: and also i dont have much coortdinayin right now

EMO: this shits nice but weird

GUNS: JONATHAN

GUNS: I can't believe you gave my sibling weed when I'm not there with them

jeve: you can come over if you want

jeve: but tbf i barely gave them any, mike just has shit tolerance

jeve: also both me and steve are here so its not like theyre unsupervised

ston: yeah mike got stoned almost immediately

ston: it would be funny in a different circumstance

EMO: sybau 💔

EMO: aw jonnnn

EMO: you woke up will

jeve: it wasnt me </3

jeve: it was my boyfriend

ston: i fell off the bed :(

ston: sorry for waking up will

EMO: he says its fine

EMO: we're gonna go back to the show now

Balls: love you guys!

sk8rgrl: love you will <3

EMO: what about me

sk8rgrl: No 😇

EMO:  🖕🖕🖕

(Private Chat) El + Jonathan

November 6, 3:12 P.M.

el: you do not have to pick me up

el: lucas is dropping me off at home

jon: tell him i said thanks :)

el: i will!!

(Private Chat) El + Will

November 6, 3:13 P.M.

annie: how are you doing?

hallie: a little better

hallie: i feel bad that everyones worried about me

annie: aw don't feel bad!!

annie: we love you and we just want you to be happy

hallie: i know

hallie: ive talked about it with mike for a while but

hallie: i just feel like a burden yk

hallie: like people went through so much to find me and i haven't done enough in return

hallie: they should have just not tried to find me

annie: will i would have done anything to save you 🩷

annie: my life would be so much worse if you weren't here

annie: i know everyone feels the same way

hallie: i dont feel like they do :(

hallie: mike wants to make it known to you that they said thats not true 

annie: yeah listen to mike!!!! we both love you so much 🩷🩷

annie: and i have an idea

The Banquet

November 6, 3:16 P.M.

ellie 🩷: guys text my brother nice things!

ellie 🩷: no questions just do it

token straight: will you were my first ever friend and i appreciate you so much

token straight: mike was a little territorial bitch back when i came in 3rd grade and if it werent for you reaching out i wouldnt be friends with you guys so i appreciate it so much

sk8rgrl: youre one of the most genuine people ive ever met and it astonishes me how you manage to stay so kind and loving when youve been though so much shit

sk8rgrl: its admirable

Balls: uh mine isnt going to be that eloquent becaus im driving but..

Balls: youre literally the nicest persn ever

Balls: and the bravest

Balls: and i look up to you so much

mother: will, you re who i aspire to be when i grow up ❤️

jeve: i love you so muchhhh

jeve: you are the best younger brother ever

ellie 🩷: nothing i could say would ever put into words how much i love and appreciate you!!

ellie 🩷: you helped give me a real home and a family, and i love you!!!!!!

gigachad: guys im crying /pos

token straight: GOOD

token straight: YOU ARE THE BEST AND WE LOVE YOU !!!

gigachad: thank you 😭

gigachad: you guys are the best 

EMO: we love you <3

*5 people have liked a message*

(Private Chat) Will + El

November 6, 3:20 P.M.

hallie: thank you el <3

hallie: i love you sm

annie: of course will!!

annie: 🩷🩷

hallie: 🩷🩷

Chapter Text

The Banquet

November 10, 7:30 P.M.

ellie 🩷: [img.mikeandwill]

ellie 🩷: we ate dinner and we are binging httyd

ellie 🩷: will and mike are being cute :)

gigachad: wow outing us in main chat i cant believe you 

Balls: aw i love to see my two faves being gay <3

ellie 🩷: ew astrid just kissed hiccup and now mike and will are kissing

ellie 🩷: gross

mother: barfffffff

sk8rgrl: clingy bitches

gigachad: sybau 

gigachad: how about YOU try pining over your best friend silently for 12 years and NOT being clingy when you finally start dating 😤

EMO: yeah fr

sk8rgrl: theres no excuses for being gross and annoying 🙄

EMO: HOMOPHOBE!!! 🖕🖕🖕

sk8rgrl: SLUR !!! 🗣️🔥🔥🤮🤮🤮

mother: speaking of httyd does anyone remember rotbtd

EMO: YES

EMO: hijack was PEAK to my 12 year old self

Balls: YOU WERE A HICCUP X JACK FROST  SHIPPER AND IM JUST NOW FINDING THS OUT

EMO: yeah i wrote a lot of fanfiction

Balls: why didn't you tell us???

EMO: i was closeted and i had internalized homophobia.???

EMO: what else do you expect of me?

sk8rgrl: yeah none of this surprises me

mother: umm mike wanna drop your ao3 @??? 😊😊

EMO: fuck no

EMO: besides i panicked and deleted it when i realized that straight dudes don't write gay fanfiction

mother: lmaoooooo

gigachad: my biggest flex is that i got to read mike's fanfic before it got deleted

Balls: oh so WILL got to read the hijack fanfiction and I didnt???

gigachad: tbf the only reason i did is bc i saw it on their laptop one day when i was at their house and then made them let me read it

EMO: yeah lucas i dont think you understand just how down bad i was at that age

EMO: when i was 12 will could have told me to put my arm in a blender and i would have done it without hesitation

EMO: i mean i still would but at least now i acknowledge that its because im gay for him and not just because we're ✨besties✨

Balls: simp

EMO: lucas you literally cannot talk 

Balls: 🎀🎀

token straight: mike, be honest, how much smut was there

EMO: i was 12 dustin

token straight: that answers nothing

EMO: NONE!!! 😭

token straight: will?

gigachad: tbh the only part i actually remember was a super romantically charged scene of the characters  on a swingset talking about how they were gonna be friends forever or something

gigachad: mostly i remember that because i was so flattered over the fact that mike used an actual real life conversation WE HAD as inspiration in their writing

mother: g a y

gigachad: yeah 💔

EMO: yeah 💔 

gigachad: anyway all that is to say that if mike had showed me gay smut at the age of 12 id probably remember

EMO: yeah but also if i HAD written any smut, even baby will would not be able to tear that shit from my cold dead hands

EMO: BUT I DIDNT SO IT DOESNT MATTER.

sk8rgrl: i wish i could judge mike for this but i cant because i was low key a diehard mavunzel shipper

sk8rgrl: and i still am 

amERICA: JELSA FTW 🗣️🔥🔥

Balls: GET OUT OF OUR CHAT ANKLE BITER 🗣️🔥🔥

amERICA: I WOULD RATHER DIE BITCH 🗣️🔥🔥

Balls: 🖕🖕🖕🖕

amERICA:🖕🏿🖕🏿🖕🏿🖕🏿🥀🥀🥀💔💔💔

token straight: ladies ladies theres enough of me to go around

amERICA: YIU ARENT A PART OF THIS HENDERSON

Balls: YEAH SYBAU DYSTIN

token straight: damnn ok

amERICA: ALSO I AM A MINOR 🤮🤮🤮🤮

amERICA: P€DO 🤢🤢🤢

token straight: IM NOT A PEH DO 😭😭😭

mother: stop talking to my daughter you pedo!!!

token straight: brb gonna go cry

ellie 🩷: guys what is mavunzel? and what is rotbtd???

sk8rgrl: oh el

EMO: we have so much to teach you

gigachad: it's this thing called rise of the brave tangled dragons

gigachad: its like a mix of rise of the guardians, brave, tangled, and how to train your dragon

gigachad: it was really popular when we were like children

gigachad: but we were into a little bit of the tail end of it

ellie 🩷: ooh i love those movies!!

ellie 🩷: thanks will

gigachad: ofc ellie <3

Balls: wait WHY IS ERICA IN THIS CHAT

mother: do we have to have this conversation every goddamn time 

amERICA: i refuse to answer my brothers question

Balls: ERICA DO YOU /WANT/ ME TO GIVE THEM YOUR TUMBLR USER??? 😡😡

amERICA: DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL THEM EHATS UNDER YOUR BED 🙄🧐🧐🧐🤮🤮🤮

Balls: touche

token straight: whats under his bed

amERICA: cant tell, sibling code 🫡

Balls: 🫡

token straight: i fuckin hate you guys /srs

amERICA: 🫶🏿

Balls: ❤️❤️

Chapter Text

The Banquet

November 12, 7:36 A.M.

token straight: guys musical tryouts are today 🗣️🔥🔥🔥‼️‼️‼️

EMO: unfortunately 😮‍💨

EMO: kms.

mother: wait mike are you in theater???

EMO: fuck no

EMO: i do lights

EMO: and the teacher needs me there for auditions too

ston: but you sing so well??

EMO: yes?? and? max has a hella good voice but you dont see them in theater 😭

sk8rgrl: yeah fuckkkk no

sk8rgrl: if i wanted to sing id join a band not become a theater kid

token straight: dude wait you and mike should start a band

mother: yeah

mother: you play guitar right?? and mike does something??

EMO: i mean... we could...?

sk8rgrl: no.

EMO: okay then. :(

Balls: what's the play gonna be Dustin?

token straight: *musical

token straight: and its little shop of horrors 🎀

mother: nicee

token straight: yeah im hyped

mother: dustin i think youre the only theater kid in the whole school thats straight

EMO: nah theres j*mes

ston: why the censoring

EMO: hes mega homophobic 

EMO: he got all mad about the "gay or european" song being in legally blonde last year and his parents tried to get the school into trouble because we were "promoting satanist themes"

token straight: yeah our theater director was pissed off about that

Balls: how can you be a homophobic theater kid

token straight: idk but we all hate him lmaoo

mother: the homophobic ppl are always the gayest bc wdym me and vickie holding hands is making you emotional 😍😍

gigachad: fr they are just jealous 

ellie 🩷: who are you going to be dustin?

token straight: i want to be audrey 2

sk8rgrl: isnt that the plant

token straight: yeah but hes cool and has a shit ton of lines 

token straight: also i know marissa is trying out for the human audrey and being named after her would be iconic

ellie 🩷: marissa!! 😊

sk8rgrl: i love marissa shes so cool

ston: who is marissa

Balls: omllll

Balls: i have such a fun story about marissa

gigachad: LUCAS

Balls: will turned her gay

gigachad: NO I DIDNT YOU LIAR 😭

jeve: what

mother: LMFAO ELABORATE???

Balls: she danced with will at the snow ball in like 7th grade

Balls: turns out shes like a full on fem lesbian now

gigachad: ok guys i didnt TURN HER gay she was already gay 😭

gigachad: why else do you think she chose to dance with ME

sk8rgrl: she really smelled the homo from a mile away

EMO: i have beef with marissa

EMO: every time i see her i think about how she stole will from me that night 😞😞

sk8rgrl: bitch you invited el

gigachad: yeah you were the one that broke MY Heart 💔 

EMO: to be fair that was before we dated so i thought we were going as friends 😭🙏 

EMO: my bad i dont get social cues

ellie 🩷: i thought we were going as friends too

ellie 🩷: but then everyone else was kissing so i thought we had to

EMO: yeah 

mother: we love heteronormative societal norms

token straight: anywayyyy cough cough 🥰

token straight: 12 year old will turned a girl into a lesbian <3

gigachad: shut. ur mouth,

EMO: will, if it makes you feel better, you turned me gay ❤️❤️

gigachad: that is such a lie

gigachad: i remember being like five and it was the day after we first became friends and u were ranting to me about superman's cool muscles for like a solid 20 minutes on the playground

gigachad: uve been gay for forever

EMO: wow ok i was clocked 💔

EMO: but also i very vividly recall you being in second grade and having a massive crush on lucas so... you can't talk

gigachad: babe you literally did too smh

Balls: WHAT.

token straight: the fact that it was "lucas" and not "dustin" is offensive to me as a straight man

gigachad: wait lucas you didnt know??

gigachad: me and mike were lowkey competing for your attention back then

gigchad: i mean neither of us knew it at the time but looking back it was pretty obvious we both liked you

Balls: is that why you kinda hated each other when i met you??

gigachad: we didnt hate each other we were just being territorial

gigachad: like little chihuauas

EMO: jm not a fucking chiwawah

mother: chiwawah

EMO: i don't know how to spell it jeez

token straight: will literally just did lmaooo 

EMO: i hate you

Balls: well if I ever want to participate in an m/m/m I'll hit you guys up 🙏🫡

token straight: i started this conversation to receive good lucks for auditions and it derailed into discussing gay threesomes 🥀🥀🥀

EMO: damn it sucks to suck

sk8rgrl: ^ mike is familiar with that phrase 

EMO: SYBAU 💔💔

mother: Disgusting

ellie 🩷: is that a gross joke

gigachad: yes

ellie 🩷: oh ok 

token straight: sigh

token straight: how will i, as i a cishet white male, regain the center of attention 💔

sk8rgrl: die

token straight: 💔💔

gigachad: well i personally hope you break a leg later dustin!!! <3

token straight: THANK U WILL 🫡🫡

ellie 🩷: yeah do good!! 🫶🏻

token straight: aw thanks el!!

token straight: anybidy else ?

sk8rgrl: no

EMO: no

Balls: no

mother: no

token straight: ok 💔💔

token straight: you guys suck btw

sk8rgrl: robin doesn't suck

sk8rgrl: mike does though 🥰

EMO: oh my god.

Chapter Text

The Banquet

November 15, 05:17 P.M.

EMO: i'm going to kill myself

GUNS: Me too

EMO: suicide pact??? 🙏🙏

GUNS: Please.

token straight: uh oh

token straight: nancy wheeler supporting mike's suicidal tendencies in the big year 2025????

token straight: something must be bad

EMO: it is

GUNS: It is.

sk8rgrl: explain..?

EMO: my mom just told us that our fuckass 12 year old cousin is visiting from maine

Balls: why??

EMO: th*nksg*v*ng

Balls: ah

ston: why are we censoring thanksgiving

sk8rgrl: they killed a bunch of native americans dumbass

ston: oh right

jeve: ur such a dumbass /pos

jeve: <3333

ston: love you too babe <33

mother: get out of the chat gahos

gigachad: wait i just got here

gigachad: richie is visiting????

EMO: omg hi will 🥰🥰

gigachad: hiii 💕💕💕💕

GUNS: Yes, he is

GUNS: Unfortunately

EMO: it's more than just unfortunate

EMO: it's terrible

EMO: richie and holly feed off each other's gremlin energy like two chaotic evil gizmos

GUNS: Plus, Richie's always making gay jokes and it's annoying

token straight: mike does that???

GUNS: No it's not the "I'm gay" jokes, it's like the "you're gay" jokes

Balls: ah

EMO: i headcanon that he's not homophobic

EMO: he just has internalized homophobia trust 🙏

sk8rgrl: you'd know about internalized homophobia wouldn't you wheeler

EMO: indeed i would

gigachad: richies not that bad guys

gigachad: ur overreacting

EMO: you don't have to share a ROOM with him

token straight: youve met him will??

gigachad: of course i have

gigachad: is there any part of mikes life that i dont know

EMO: yeah there's this thing called mutual dependency, you wouldn't understand

token straight: weird

gigachad: ok mr "i met my long distance girlfriend on runescape discord and made her hack into the school system and change my spanish grades from utah"

sk8rgrl: LMAOOOOOOOO

sk8rgrl: WILL I LOVE YOU

ellie 🩷: hahahaha

token straight: damn i was clocked

gigachad: ill fucking do it again

EMO: WILLL

EMO: YOU CANT JUST QQUOTE THAT FUCKGING VIDEO GHOUT OF NOWHREE

EMO: AFKJNSFKJ

sk8rgrl: will youre my favorite person here btw

Balls: guys stfu about your relationships

Balls: I wanna hear more about Mike's cousin

GUNS: There's nothing else really

GUNS: He's coming and I'm going to die

EMO: at least you don't have to share your room with him!!!

GUNS: Just sleep at your boyfriend's house Mike

GUNS: Smh.

EMO: touche

token straight: that is not the right context for touche

EMO: i fucking know that

EMO: its for the meme

token straight: okay well

token straight: changing the glorious interesting subject

token straight: I GOT THE PART 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

ellie 🩷: omg yay!!! good job dustin!

gigachad: yayyyyy!

Balls: Good Job 👍

sk8rgrl: which part again?

token straight: the plant :)

ston: I knew you could do it henderson 

Five people liked a message: 'I know you could do it henderson'

token straight: thanks guyssss

token straight: especially steve

ston: of course fam!!!

Seven people disliked a message: 'of course fam!!!'

token straight: nvm you ruined it.

ston: :(

Chapter Text

The Banquet

November 26, 11:47 A.M.

EMO: WHATS UP LOSRS 🤤

token straight: what 

ellie 🩷: mike why are you talking weird?

EMO: I BANGED UR MOMMMMMMM 🥵✊✊💦💦💦💦

sk8rgrl: What the Fuck

gigachad: mIKE ????

*EMO added (207)-***-**69 to the chat*

(207)-***-**69: AYEEEEEEEEE

(207)-***-**69: HEY BITCHESSS

ellie 🩷: hi???! who is rhis???

(207)-***-**69: UR FUTURE STEP DADDY 😈😈😈😈

mother: asjsjdjs

GUNS: Richard Wentworth, what the fuck??

EMO: ASJJSJSJSJS

EMO: SORRY GUYS MY LITTLE COUSIN TOOK MY PHONE 😭😭😭

EMO: RICHIE GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CHAT

mother: capitallssssssss 😭

EMO: sorry robin 

EMO: richie !!! leave !!!!

(207)-***-**69: hahahahhahaa no

*token straight locked the chat*

token straight: now nobody can escape

EMO: dustin i hate you

token straight: 🥰🥰 im having fun

EMO: im actually gonna kms

(207)-***-**69: i am adding a username

*(207)-***-**69 changed their name to supreme ruler*

supreme ruler: better

EMO: nope

*EMO changed supreme ruler's name to little shit*

little shit: rude !

little shit: boy kisser 😡😡

EMO: omg??? fork spotted in kitchen???

mother: bahaha

little shit: their are bad words i want to call u

EMO: *there

EMO: you suck

little shit: lmao yeah i suck

little shit: BIG COCK 😜😜💦💦💦

Balls: I'm going to cry what is going on 😭

EMO: richie you are literally an infant

little shit: uh im in 8 grad asshole 🖕

EMO: *8th grade

little shit: sybau💔💔💔🥀🥀🥀😭

little shit: i might be a child but u ir gay

EMO: stfu

EMO: asshole

little shit: wow

little shit: breaking news!! local gay teenager is heterophobia towards tourist child, what happens next is shocking

EMO: you're technically a teenager too

little shit: u litrally just called me a infant

EMO: *an infant

little shit: ur gay

EMO: bro

little shit: hey dont shoot the messengr

sk8rgrl: richie i know nothing abt you

GUNS: [img.richie]

GUNS: Richie

token straight: is that just younger mike with glasses and a minecraft creeper hoodie.

EMO: fuck no its my 13 year old cousin 

EMO: do not associate me with him

sk8rgrl: tbh 13 is too old for minecraft hodies....

little richie: shut thr fuck up 😤😤

token straight: excuse me no age is too old for minecraft hoodies

Balls: agreed ^

sk8rgrl: thats something a person with a minecraft hoodie would say

token straight: [img.myhoodie]

sk8rgrl: ok loser

little shit: wait who is evryone?? i waanna know who im banging 

EMO: richard wentworth tozier

EMO: shut your fucking mouth

gigachad: mike calm down hes fine

gigachad: hi richie!! this is will, weve met before ☺️

little shit: oh HELL yeah

little shit: ur the one boning my cousin right

EMO: RICHIE

gigachad: i.... dont know how to respond to that 😨😨

little shit: hahahaa

sk8rgrl: hi im max