Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

(Link started a chat) 

(Link added Mipha, Daruk, Revali, Urbosa, Zelda, Impa, and Terrako to the chat) 

Link: 👋 

Mipha: Link? What’s this? 

Link: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Zelda: ????? 

Daruk: whejkjkrjhhkhekjjhkjhk 

Revali: you drunk or something? 

Daruk: just figuring out how to use this thing 

Revali: what’s this anyway? 

Mipha: It looks like some kind of message group… 

Link:  👍 

Urbosa: first we’re all given sheikah slates, and then this… intriguing 

Impa: My sister did say this was a new feature for the sheikah slate. It allows users to create message chats with groups of people. It’s what Link did just now. 

Link:  👍 

Revali: hey, you, are you just going to communicate in weird symbols the whole time? 

Link:  👍 

Revali: uuugh, just type words like the rest of us! 

Terrako: 👋 

Revali: Wait, you too? What’s the guardian doing on here? 

Terrako: :) 

Revali: ugh, it’s annoying, get it away! 

Terrako: ********** >:( 

Zelda: Terrako! Where did you learn all those swear words!? 

Impa: He’s been talking to corrupted guardian stalkers again, hasn’t he… 

Zelda: Terrako, I told you to stay away from them! 

Revali: You’re swearing at ME!? I’ll let you know you’re a F***ING PEST! Wait– why can’t I swear? 

(Purah joined the chat) 

Purah: Sorry, we can’t have any of that foul language on here! There are children who use this chat! 

Terrako: **** 🫵 

(Robbie joined the chat) 

Robbie: Goes for you too, Terrako! WE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY! 

Terrako: :( 

Revali: What children!? 

(Tulin and Riju joined the chat) 

Tulin: yooooo! 

Riju: heya! 

Revali: oh my god… children… 

Tulin: I’m playing a game on my sheikah slate rn! 

Riju: u can do that?? 

Tulin: DUH! 

(King Rhoam joined the chat) 

King Rhoam: What is this? 

Zelda: oh, father, it’s a group chat 

King Rhoam: A what? 

Zelda: you can send people digital messages on a chat using the sheikah slate 

King Rhoam: I don’t see how this is going to be useful for preventing the calamity… 

Tulin: ok boomer 

(Teba joined the chat) 

Teba: Tulin, are you off the sheikah slate yet? 

Tulin: OH CRAP DAD’S HERE 

(Tulin left the chat) 

Teba: *sighs* 

(Teba left the chat) 

Impa: it must be hard to be a father 

Zelda: yes, it must… 

King Rhoam: it IS 

(King Rhoam left the chat) 

Zelda: father… 

(Hestu joined the chat) 

Hestu: hey guys! anyone want to dance!? 

Link: 🥦! 

Hestu: not what I’m called 

Revali: as much as I’d LOVE space for more bows… I haven’t collected enough korok seeds for your scheme 

Hestu: aw 

(Hestu left the chat) 

(Sidon joined the chat) 

Sidon: Hello friends! 

Link: 👋 

Mipha: Sidon…? 

Sidon: Hello, dear sister! It’s wonderful to see you again! 

(Yunobo joined the chat) 

Yunobo: h– hey guys, not quite sure how to use this thing, but… I’m trying my best! 

Daruk: you’re doing great! 

(Monk Maz Koshia joined the chat) 

Monk Maz Koshia: Greetings. 

Link: 🏍? 

Monk Maz Koshia: Patience, child. I’m still working on it. 

(Monk Maz Koshia left the chat) 

Impa: …Purah, how many people did you give sheikah slates? 

Purah: Everyone! 

Impa: …everyone? 

Purah: Yup! 

Impa: You don’t mean EVERYONE everyone, right? 

Purah: I DO! Everyone across Hyrule has a sheikah slate now! 

Impa: hylia help me, how many people are there going to be on this chat? 

(Master Kohga and Sooga joined the chat) 

Master Kohga: what’s happening, everyone? 

Sooga: it would appear half of Hyrule is on this chat… 

(Astor joined the chat) 

Astor: hello mere mortals 

Master Kohga: YOUUUUU TRAITORRRRR! SCREW YOU! 

Sooga: Master Kohga, please calm yourself. But… yes. Screw him. 

(Ganon joined the chat) 

Impa: Oh. My. Hylia. PURAH!!!!! 

Purah: What? 

Impa: YOU GAVE THE F***ING CALAMITY A F***ING SHEIKAH SLATE!? 

Ganon: YOU ARE MORTAL AS WELL, ASTOR 

Astor: what? nonsense, I can’t possibly be– AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH– 

(Astor was disconnected from the chat) 

Revali: HA! GET OWNED! 

(Terrako was disconnected from the chat) 

Zelda: oh no, he needs to be charged again… I must go, everyone! 

(Zelda left the chat) 

Revali: Why don’t the corrupted guardian stalkers run out of power? 

Robbie: We think it’s because of Ganon’s power! 

Riju: I have to go, Buliara wants to tell me about something! 

(Riju left the chat) 

Urbosa: Wait, how is she chief when I’m already chief? 

Robbie: In a way, you both are! 

Urbosa: But how is that possible? 

Revali: This whole thing isn’t real. It’s BOTW, AOC, AND TOTK all at the same time. 

Purah: Revali, don’t be a fourth wall breaker! 

Revali: anyway, this is stupid, I’m going to refine my technique for Revali’s Gale 

(Revali left the chat) 

Sooga: Master Kohga, we should go too. 

Master Kohga: You’re right, it’s lunchtime! I’m starving! 

(Master Kohga and Sooga left the chat) 

Robbie: I’m going to work on unraveling the mysteries of sheikah and zonai technology! 

(Robbie left the chat) 

Purah: Me too! 

(Purah left the chat) 

Ganon: GOODBYE.
(Ganon left the chat) 

Impa: Jeez, caps lock much? 

Urbosa: The Gerudo desert should get better signal… I have to go… 

(Urbosa left the chat) 

Daruk: Death Mountain too. 

(Daruk left the chat) 

Yunobo: ye– 

(Yunobo was disconnected from the chat) 

Sidon: Zora’s Domain does have good signal, but I should leave as well! Goodbye, friends! I have duties to attend to! I hope to chat with you all again soon! 

(Sidon left the chat) 

Impa: Well, since everyone’s going, I guess I’ll go too. Bye people! 

(Impa left the chat) 

Mipha: It’s just us now, Link. 

Link: 👍 

Mipha: I have to go as well, unfortunately… but we can talk more another time. 

Link: 👍

(Mipha left the chat) 

Link: 👋

(Link ended the chat)

Chapter Text

(Purah started a chat) 

(Purah added Mipha, Daruk, Revali, Urbosa, Zelda, Impa, and Link to the chat) 

Impa: Purah, what’s this about? 

Purah: Hey guys! Robbie and I have been developing new features for sheikah slate chats! 

(Robbie joined the chat) 

Robbie: Today we’re introducing a feature called RENAMING!!!!! You can change your name on the chat to be anything you want! 

Revali: Can we also change other people’s names? 

Robbie: Of course n– 

Purah: Yes! 

Robbie: Wait… what? 

Purah: Anyone can change anyone else’s name! Go wild, people! 

Robbie: PURAH WHAT!? THIS ISN’T WHAT WE AGREED ON!!! 

(Purah left the chat) 

(Robbie left the chat) 

(Urbosa renamed Revali Asinine) 

Asinine: Wha–! I’ll show you… 

(Asinine renamed themself Revali) 

(Revali renamed Urbosa Buttface) 

Revali: There. 

Buttface: Is that seriously the worst you could come up with? 

Impa: Who else is just… watching their fight? 

Link: 👀🍿 

Daruk: hell yeah, little guy! 

(Buttface renamed themself Urbosa) 

Mipha: Could I try renaming people…? 

Urbosa: sure 

Mipha: okay… 

(Mipha renamed Daruk GoronWarrior) 

(Mipha renamed Impa SheikahAdvisor) 

(Mipha renamed Link TheHylianKnight) 

(Mipha renamed Revali RitoWarrior) 

(Mipha renamed Urbosa GerudoChief) 

(Mipha renamed Zelda HylianPrincess) 

(Mipha renamed themself ZoraPrincess) 

GerudoChief: Okay this is all just accurate 

GoronWarrior: yeah, super civilized! to be expected from Mipha! 

TheHylianKnight: 👍 

RitoWarrior: better than asinine 

SheikahAdvisor: very accurate 

HylianPrincess: indeed 

GoronWarrior: Could I give it a spin? 

ZoraPrincess: oh, sure 

(all names were reset) 

Mipha: Go ahead, Daruk! 

Daruk: Thanks! Alright, let’s go! 

(Daruk renamed Impa TinySheikah) 

(Daruk renamed Link LittleGuy) 

(Daruk renamed Revali TinyRito) 

(Daruk renamed Zelda TinyPrincess) 

(Daruk renamed Mipha EvenTinierPrincess) 

(Daruk renamed Urbosa TinyGerudo) 

TinyRito: I’M NOT TINY YOU’RE JUST HUGE 

TinyPrincess: huh… 

EvenTinierPrincess: … 

TinyGerudo: we should’ve expected Daruk’s renaming to be like this 

LittleGuy: !!! 

TinySheikah: I’m actually tall for a sheikah 

TinyGerudo: could I try now? 

GoronWarrior: yeah, sure! 

(all names were reset) 

(Urbosa renamed Revali AsininePoultry) 

(Urbosa renamed Link TheHero) 

(Urbosa renamed Mipha PreciousCinnamonRoll) 

(Urbosa renamed Zelda LittleBird) 

(Urbosa renamed Impa SheikahVai) 

(Urbosa renamed Daruk Goron) 

AsininePoultry: URBOSA I’M GONNA F***ING KILL YOU– 

Urbosa: HAHAHAHAHA WORTH IT 

LittleBird: ah… this nickname 

Urbosa: yup 

PreciousCinnamonRoll: What is a “cinnamon roll”? 

Link: 😋

PreciousCinnamonRoll: ??? 

Urbosa: it’s you, Mipha 

PreciousCinnamonRoll: I don’t get it? 

Urbosa: “cinnamon roll” is used to refer to someone who is very kind, sometimes even overly so 

PreciousCinnamonRoll: I… see. 

Urbosa: and you’re precious ofc 

Goron: is no one gonna talk about how unoriginal this is? really Urbosa? 

Urbosa: I didn’t know what to put tbh 

Goron: am I that boring 

SheikahVai: mine too 

TheHero: … 

(AsininePoultry renamed themself Revali) 

Revali: Alright, that’s IT, it’s my turn! 

(all names were reset) 

(Revali renamed Urbosa AsinineDeepFriedCamel) 

(Revali renamed Daruk OversizedRock) 

(Revali renamed Link TheFallenKnight) 

(Revali renamed Zelda RudePrincess) 

(Revali renamed Impa NarutoRun) 

(Revali renamed Mipha Doc) 

(Revali renamed themself TheRitoLegend) 

TheRitoLegend: accurate at last 

AsinineDeepFriedCamel: I honestly don’t care 

TheRitoLegend: good because that’s what you really are 

OversizedRock: I knew asinine was your favorite word! 

NarutoRun: um… what? 

TheRitoLegend: you run like Naruto characters 

NarutoRun: who? 

TheRitoLegend: nevermind 

RudePrincess: …you’re not wrong, honestly… 

TheRitoLegend: I’m never wrong 

TheFallenKnight: -_- 

TheRitoLegend: we all know I’m correct, I’m just the only one with the backbone to come out and say it 

Doc: …what does my name mean? 

TheRitoLegend: it’s short for doctor 

Doc: Doctor…? Why? 

TheRitoLegend: ahem… well, you’ve healed my wings a few times in the past… 

Doc: Oh okay I see… 

OversizedRock: bro do you have a soft spot for Mipha or something????? 

TheRitoLegend: shut up 

AsinineDeepFriedCamel: he TOTALLY does 

TheRitoLegend: SHUT UP 

RudePrincess: well, anyway, I think it’s just about time to shut this chat down for the day 

TheRitoLegend: fine 

(all names were reset) 

Link: 👋 

Mipha: Goodbye, Link. 

Daruk: Goodbye, tiny people! 

Urbosa: see ya! 

Zelda: byeeeee 

Impa: goodbye 

(Link ended the chat)

Chapter Text

(Robbie started a chat) 

(Robbie added Link, Impa, Mipha, Daruk, Revali, Urbosa, Zelda, Sidon, Yunobo, Teba, Tulin, Terrako, and Riju to the chat) 

Robbie: Check in time, how’s everyone doing? 

Impa: currently helping my sister clean up after her recent experiment… 

Zelda: I too am helping… I’m ashamed to admit I was part of this experiment… 

Terrako: #$%& 

(Impa, Zelda, and Terrako left the chat) 

Robbie: Everyone else? 

Daruk: enjoying some rock roast with my descendant! 

Yunobo: y– yes! 

Tulin: playing more games on my sheikah slate! 

Teba: Tulin, I expect you off within the next hour 

Tulin: *sighs* yes, DAD 

Urbosa: I just got done electrocuting a molduga, I’ll post the pictures later 

Link: ⛰️🐴⚔️🔜☠️😤 

Urbosa: huh 

Daruk: What are you saying, little guy? 

Revali: pictionary with Link again, FUN /s 

Mipha: Um, I think… he’s talking about killing the lynel on Ploymus Mountain. 

Link: 👍 

Daruk: ooohhh… great job, little guy! 

Urbosa: of course YOU’D know, Mipha ^-^ 

Mipha: Yes… we just finished killing it together. 

Urbosa: oh 

Sidon: Ah, yes, I was there as well! It was a wonderful experience to fight alongside my beloved sister and dear friend Link! 

Daruk: awesome, invite me next time! 

Revali: tch, I just finished killing a guardian completely on my own, from the sky 

Mipha: Oh, right! I’ll heal your feathers from those lasers it struck you with at the next meeting! 

Revali: MIPHA 

Tulin: did bro get smoked 

Revali: shut up 

Riju: I think blud did 

Revali: SHUT UP CHILDREN 

Robbie: How did the renaming go…? Was it okay…? 

Daruk: it was actually surprisingly tame 

Robbie: Oh good… I was afraid after that change Purah made without consulting me… 

Revali: it was alright, I even got revenge at the end… 

Mipha: Oh wait… there’s one champion who never got to try renaming everyone… 

Revali: There was? 

Mipha: Link didn’t get to try renaming everyone. 

Link: 😄 

Revali: tch, who cares, he isn’t a real champion anyway 

Link: 😠🖕 

Revali: DID THAT LITTLE TWUNK JUST FLIP ME OFF!? 

Urbosa: LMFAOOOOO 

Daruk: Go ahead, little guy! You can rename us now! 

Link: 🤔 

(Link renamed Daruk 👊🪨) 

(Link renamed Revali 🙄🍗) 

(Link renamed Mipha ♥️🐟) 

(Link renamed Urbosa ⚡🐒) 

(Link renamed Sidon 😁🐟) 

(Link renamed Yunobo 😨🪨) 

(Link renamed Teba 😐🐦) 

(Link renamed Tulin 😄🐤) 

(Link renamed Riju 😆🐒) 

Link: 👍 

♥️🐟: Okay, so… Link typically uses 🐟 to refer to Zora, 🪨 to refer to Gorons, 🐦 to refer to Rito, and 🐒 to refer to Gerudo, even though none of us are actually fish, rocks, birds, or monkeys. 

🙄🍗: why is mine THIS and not a BIRD then 

♥️🐟: I’m not actually sure… but the emoji he put means he’s annoyed by you… 

🙄🍗: oh, tch, I don’t even care 

👊🪨: What do the other emoji mean? 

♥️🐟: The fist means he believes you’re very physically strong and steady! 

👊🪨: awesome, never knew these little symbols could carry so much hidden meaning! 

⚡🐒: I take it the electricity has to do with my ability 

♥️🐟: Yes! As for the others, Sidon, yours refers to your smile. 

😁🐟: 😁 

♥️🐟: Yunobo, yours is because you’re… well… frightened easily. 

😨🪨: g– got it 

♥️🐟: Teba, Link sees you as emotionless, and he respects you. 

😐🐦: I see 

♥️🐟: Tulin, however, is very excitable… 

😄🐤: guess so! 

♥️🐟: and he put a chick rather than the normal bird because you’re young 

😆🐒: what about me 

♥️🐟: You must laugh a lot, Riju! 

😆🐒: oh okie 

♥️🐟: Are they all correct, Link? 

Link: 👍 

♥️🐟: Great! 

👊🪨: What about your name, Mipha? 

♥️🐟: M– mine? 

👊🪨: Yeah, the emoji in yours! 

♥️🐟: Oh, well… he loves me… of course. Just as I love him. 

Link: 🫶 

♥️🐟: 🫶 

(all names were reset) 

Teba: Tulin, it’s time to get off 

Tulin: aw… fine 

(Teba and Tulin left the chat) 

Riju: gtg bye 

(Riju left the chat) 

Urbosa: I should also go 

(Urbosa left the chat) 

Revali: I have work 

(Revali left the chat) 

Daruk: gonna go get some rock roast, bye people 

Yunobo: m– me too! 

(Daruk and Yunobo left the chat) 

Sidon: Goodbye, friends! 

(Sidon left the chat) 

Link: 👋 

Mipha: Oh, you’re leaving now, Link? 

Link: 👍 

Mipha: Alright… goodbye. 

(Link left the chat) 

Mipha: I should leave as well. 

(Mipha left the chat) 

(Robbie ended the chat)

Chapter Text

(The 24 main characters joined the chat) 

Purah: wait a– 

Impa: ??? 

Purah: THE VERY CHAT BROKE THE FOURTH WALL ITSELF!? HOW DO I CHANGE IT!? 

Robbie: you can’t, unfortunately… chat history can’t be altered yet 

Purah: we’ve got to work on that… anyway, enjoy your party, everyone! 

Robbie: indeed, enjoy the party! 

(Purah and Robbie left the chat) 

Zelda: Everyone, welcome to Hyrule Castle’s grand New Year’s party! 

Sidon: Greetings, friends! 

Mipha: Hi everyone! 

Master Kohga: Where are the bananas? I only came for the bananas. 

Zelda: o– over there 

Master Kohga: Got it. Come, Sooga! 

Sooga: Understood. 

King Rhoam: what are they– 

(Master Kohga and Sooga left the chat) 

King Rhoam: …did they come just to take all the bananas and then leave? 

Zelda: i– it appears so 

Daruk: Where’s the rock roast? 

Yunobo: I found it! 

Daruk: Awesome, Yunobo! Let’s dig in! 

Urbosa: I see the gerudo brought their noble pursuits… don’t mind if I do… 

Riju: oohh, can I have some? 

Urbosa: no, Riju, you’re not 19 yet 

Riju: boo 

Revali: the hell is a noble pursuit? 

Urbosa: just an alcoholic drink 

Revali: the hell is an alcoholic drink? 

Urbosa: wait… Revali… you’ve never…? 

Daruk: whoa, what? even Yunobo ate marbled rock roast once! 

Revali: I bet it sucks anyway 

Urbosa: you should try it 

Revali: guh, fine, ONCE 

Impa: Revali’s going to get himself drunk… 

Revali: heyyyyyy anybody wanna dateeeeeeee 

Impa: I knew it… 

Revali: Miphaaaaa do you love meeeee? 

Mipha: … 

Link: 🔪🩸🍗 

Impa: Urbosa this is your fault 

Zelda: I don’t think she can hear you… she just chugged down ten noble pursuits… 

Daruk: they’re already kicking in 

Urbosa: wazza kicking rock guy 

Daruk: get tf away from me 

Urbosa: wazzup miph and dawuk and wink and wavaiuydkgjhbkjhdbdjhg 

(Urbosa was disconnected from the chat) 

Impa: what the– 

Daruk: she literally just fell asleep on her sheikah slate 

Revali: I eat Impa hair

Revali: I wanna punch the florrrrr 

Revali: Liiiiink would you kiss meeeeee 

Link: 🖕

Teba: Tulin, let’s go fly outside for a bit… 

Tulin: What? But I wanna watch! 

Teba: NOW 

(Teba and Tulin have gone offline) 

Revali: I wavioli wito

(Revali was disconnected from the chat)

Daruk: aaaaand he’s out too 

Impa: I’m out, this is getting too crazy for me 

(Impa left the chat) 

Paya: wait for me! 

(Paya left the chat) 

King Rhoam: in any case, it’s about time for me to go to bed… Zelda, I leave you in charge of the party 

Zelda: wait– WHAT!? 

(King Rhoam left the chat) 

Zelda: FATHER! 

(Teba and Tulin are back online) 

Tulin: What’d we miss? 

Monk Maz Koshia: 59 seconds until the new year begins. 

Zelda: Oh, right! Of course! It’s nearly time for the countdown! For everyone still here, are we ready? 

Link: 👍 

Mipha: Yes. 

Sidon: Yes! 

Terrako: 👍 

Teba: I suppose 

Tulin: awesome! 

Hestu: YES! 

Daruk: HELL YEAH! 

Yunobo: y– yes! 

Riju: ofc! 

King Dorephan: It’s the one reason I’m here, so yes. 

Monk Maz Koshia: It’s time. Link, would you do the honors? 

Link: 1️⃣0️⃣ 

Link: 9️⃣ 

Link: 8️⃣ 

Link: 7️⃣ 

Link: 6️⃣ 

Link: 5️⃣ 

Link: 4️⃣ 

Link: 3️⃣ 

Link: 2️⃣ 

Link: 1️⃣ 

Link: 0️⃣ 

Mipha: happy new year! 

Sidon: HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

Terrako: 🎉 

Zelda: yes, happy new year everyone!! 

Daruk: WOOOOO 

Yunobo: YEEEEE 

Teba: indeed 

Monk Maz Koshia: I will be taking my leave now 

(Monk Maz Koshia left the chat) 

King Dorephan: I will as well 

(King Dorephan left the chat) 

Daruk: anyone want to do a drinking contest!? 

Mipha: I think everyone who might’ve wanted to is drunk already… 

Hestu: I’ll do it! 

Zelda: YOU will? 

Hestu: I’ve never tried alcohol before! This’ll be fun! 

Mipha: … 

Daruk: you sure, korok dancer! 

Hestu: let’s go! 

Tulin: this popcorn tastes great! 

Riju: it does! 

*a few moments later* 

Daruk: I SWEAR TO HYLIA THAT DOGS ARE EVIL 

Hestu: WHY DO THEY ALWAYS GOTTA HIDE WITH MY MARACAS 

Daruk: JUST LOOK AT THEIR BEADY LITTLE EYES, AND BODIES PRIMED TO ATTACK, AND NO ANIMAL IS THAT FRIENDLY TOWARD PEOPLE THEY HAVE TO BE PLOTTING SOMETHINGGGGG 

Hestu: I HATE EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGG 

(Daruk and Hestu were disconnected from the chat) 

Link: 🏅? 

Mipha: I think they both lost… 

Tulin: wooooohooooo!!!!!!!!!! 

Riju: wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! 

Teba: it sounds like the children are getting hyper now… 

Mipha: Let’s put the children and all of the drunk people to bed… 

(Terrako was disconnected from the chat) 

Zelda: Good idea, Terrako ran out of power just now too… unfortunately, though, we don’t actually have enough beds… 

Teba: Tulin, we can fly back to Rito Village. 

Tulin: awwwww… 

Teba: Come on, those without wings aren’t as fortunate as us. 

(Teba and Tulin left the chat) 

Yunobo: I think we can stack drunk people ontop of each other… it’s not like they’ll wake up… 

Mipha: P– perhaps not, but they could… die? 

Yunobo: They could? 

Sidon: Of course they could! 

Yunobo: Huh, but we do this all the time at home when there aren’t enough beds… 

Zelda: Not everyone is as sturdy as Gorons are… 

Yunobo: oh… 

Zelda: *sighs* it’s worth a try, though, with how many people we have to get into bed… 

Link: 2️⃣🧍🛏️? 

Zelda: uh… what? 

Mipha: Link’s asking if there are any two person beds 

Zelda: there’s one, but, uh… why do you ask? 

Link: ♥️🐟 

Mipha: o– oh… I see… 

Zelda: go ahead and take it, sure 

Link: 👍 

Mipha: … 

(Link and Mipha left the chat) 

Zelda: there’s also a one person bed in the same room… anyone willing to take it? 

Sidon: I will! 

(Sidon left the chat) 

Zelda: okay, now the issue of drunk people and children… 

Yunobo: I’ll show you how to stack them ontop of each other! 

Zelda: wait a minute… what’s that? 

Yunobo: h– huh? that sound…! 

Ganon: I AM BACK. 

Zelda: OH MY HYLIA 

(Purah joined the chat) 

Purah: how’d the party… oh. 

Zelda: Purah you invited GANON!? 

Purah: I invited everyone, so… yeah. 

(Robbie joined the chat) 

Robbie: is Hyrule Castle going upward now or is that my imagination? 

Zelda: F**** 

(everyone was disconnected from the chat) 

Chapter Text

(Robbie started a chat) 

(Robbie added added Mipha, Daruk, Revali, Urbosa, Zelda, Impa, and Link to the chat) 

Robbie: It’s that time again! I’m here to introduce a new feature for sheikah slate chats! 

Impa: What is it? 

Robbie: It’s pinging! 

Revali: what is “pinging” 

Robbie: It’s when you notify a certain user by typing an @ symbol followed by their name and they will receive a notification no matter where they are or what they’re doing! For example… @Purah 

(Purah joined the chat) 

Purah: Click, snap! 

Mipha: Oh, wow… it works even when they aren’t on the chat? 

Robbie: Correct! And the chat bot allowing for this is @CharactersChatBot! 

CharactersChatBot: Hi! What can I help you with? 

Robbie: …and that’s the automated message for whenever you ping it. 

Daruk: What else can it do? 

Robbie: Try asking it a question! 

Daruk: What kind of question? 

Robbie: Anything! 

Daruk: @CharactersChatBot what’s your favorite food? 

CharactersChatBot: I do not have one, as I don’t need to eat! 

Daruk: huh 

Impa: @CharactersChatBot what can you do? 

CharactersChatBot: My functions include but are not limited to answering questions, playing games, helping with pinging, and giving out chat roles! 

Impa: interesting 

CharactersChatBot: Well, do you have any further questions or should I simply end the chat? 

Impa: you can end it 

(CharactersChatBot ended the chat)

Chapter Text

(Daruk started a chat) 

(Daruk added Mipha, Revali, Link, and Urbosa to the chat) 

Daruk: I have a game to suggest for today, fellow champions! 

Mipha: What is it? 

Daruk: Truth or dare! 

Urbosa: oh, sure, let’s do it! 

Link: 👍 

Daruk: Who wants to go first? 

Urbosa: I will! Link, truth or dare? 

Link: 1️⃣ 

Urbosa: Are you in love with Mipha? 

Link: 👍 

Mipha: O.O 

Revali: well, duh, we can all tell 

Daruk: I’ll go now! Urbosa, truth or dare! 

Urbosa: dare 

Daruk: roll down a hill! 

Urbosa: uh… what? 

Revali: don’t be a chicken 

Urbosa: I’ll have to go find one first but sure 

(Urbosa has gone offline) 

(Urbosa is back online) 

Urbosa: there, sent the video 

Daruk: Got it! Who wants to go now? 

Revali: I’m not playing 

Urbosa: Mipha, you go now! 

Mipha: Oh, um… okay, Revali, I dare you to fly into Gerudo Town, right in front of the guards, and screech at the top of your lungs “THE RITO BRANCH OF THE YIGA HATH RETURNED!” 

Revali: did you not read the message I just sent!? 

Mipha: (Urbosa told me to) 

Revali: I’m not even playing 

Urbosa: don’t be a scaredy-bird 

Revali: I’ll pay you back for this 

(Revali has gone offline) 

Mipha: Is he actually doing it…? 

Urbosa: I’m keeping an eye out 

Link: 👀 

Urbosa: I see a Rito flying in… it’s Revali! 

Daruk: NO WAY! 

Urbosa: he yelled “THE RITO BRANCH OF THE YIGA HATH RETURNED!” aaaaand the guards chased him out with their spears 

Mipha: … 

Daruk: I’M DEAD 

Link: 🤣 

(Revali is back online) 

Revali: a spear literally took a feather off my wing… 

Urbosa: heheheh 

Revali: Funny. My turn now. Urbosa, I am daring you to jump off a cliff, right now. 

Urbosa: there aren’t any cliffs in the gerudo desert 

Revali: You have plenty in the gerudo highlands I had to fly over on my way to gerudo town. Go there. Jump down. 

Urbosa: Revali– 

Revali: “DON’T BE A SCAREDY-BIRD”, ASININE DEEP FRIED CAMEL 

Daruk: whoa, Ravioli’s bringing out the big guns 

Revali: DON’T CALL ME THAT ALSO ACTUALLY I’M GONNA DARE YOU ALL TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF (except Mipha) 

Daruk: yeah, sure, Daruk’s Protection is ready to roll! 

(Link has gone offline) 

Mipha: Link…? 

Urbosa: I don’t think he’s actually doing it… probably… 

Daruk: what’s happening 

Mipha: wait, I can see him at Shatterback Point… to practice diving, hopefully… 

Daruk: come to think of it… he once tried to jump off Death Mountain on a dare… I wouldn’t put it past him 

(Link was disconnected from the chat) 

Mipha: NO HE JUST JUMPED OFF THE SIDE HE’S FALLING TOWARD THE GROUND THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING NOOOOOOOOOO REVALI YOU SUCK 

(Mipha was disconnected from the chat) 

Urbosa: shame on you Ravioli 

Revali: what I am about to do isn’t for Link, or for you Urbosa, or for Daruk 

(Revali has gone offline) 

(Link and Mipha reconnected to the chat) 

(Revali is back online) 

Mipha: Revali… thank you… 

Daruk: What happened!? 

Mipha: Revali caught Link before he hit the ground… 

Urbosa: damn Revali, I didn’t know you actually cared, so I take back what I just said 

Revali: okay no I wanted to see Link implode but I realize Mipha would never even talk to me again 

Mipha: …I don’t know what to say at this point… 

Daruk: damnit, this was the most intense game of truth or dare I’ve ever played, I have to go lie down 

Urbosa: seeya 

(Daruk left the chat) 

Urbosa: I’m going too before Revali remembers what he dared me to go do 

(Urbosa left the chat) 

Revali: HEY 

(Revali left the chat) 

Mipha: Link, goodbye… and please don’t throw yourself off a cliff again, ever. 

Link: 🐦🛟! 

Mipha: Yeah, okay, Revali saved you this time, but you could’ve died! What about me, then? 

Link: 🔮 

Mipha: You… you KNEW he was going to catch you? 

Link: 👍 

(Astor joined the chat) 

Astor: Ah, my young apprentice, we shall become future-seers together and foretell the return of– 

(Astor was disconnected from the chat) 

Link: 😠🖕 

Mipha: … 

Link: 🙂👋 

Mipha: Yes… goodbye. 

(Mipha left the chat) 

(Link ended the chat)

Chapter Text

(Daruk started a chat) 

(Daruk added Mipha, Revali, Link, and Urbosa to the chat) 

Daruk: I have another game to suggest, fellow champions 

Revali: What is it this time? 

Daruk: Two truths and a lie! It’ll be far safer… 

Urbosa: huh 

Daruk: I’ll go first! 1. I’ve eaten marbled rock roast before, 2. I fell in lava once, 3. I have a pet rock. 

Urbosa: pet rock 

Link: 2️⃣ 

Mipha: it sounds like they’re all true… 

Revali: no clue 

Daruk: the lie was the marbled rock roast 

Urbosa: Wait, WHAT? Even Yunobo tried it, you said! 

Daruk: yeah, but for some reason, I just couldn’t eat it… it felt wrong… 

Urbosa: HUH 

Daruk: Anyway, who wants to go next? Urbosa? 

Urbosa: Sure. 1. I once let a voe sneak into gerudo town, 2. I have a pet sand seal, 3. I was friends with Zelda’s mother 

Revali: the first one, there’s no way 

Daruk: first one for sure 

Link: 2️⃣ 

Mipha: the sand seal, for some reason, I feel is incorrect 

Urbosa: Link and Mipha are correct! Though Link certainly had an unfair advantage on this one, after all, he’s the voe that I let into gerudo town… 

Mipha: Yes, Link once told me about that… 

Revali: WHAAAAATTTTT 

Daruk: NO WAY 

Urbosa: Anyway, who’s going next? 

Link: 1️⃣. 🍖😋, 2️⃣. 🐴✖️2️⃣0️⃣⚔️☠️, 3️⃣. 🧗😨! 

Revali: oh goody, pictionary again /s 

Urbosa: Mipha, honey, could you please translate for us? 

Mipha: The first option says he loves meat, the second option says he’s killed twenty lynels, and the third option says he’s afraid of climbing. 

Revali: the lie is definitely the second option, there’s no way 

Daruk: it’s definitely the third option, one time he beat me scaling gut check rock! 

Urbosa: yeah, the third one, probably 

Mipha: Yeah, probably… which one was the lie, Link? 

Link: 3️⃣ 

Daruk: knew it! 

Urbosa: thought so 

Revali: whAT 

Daruk: Revali, your turn now! 

Revali: ugh, do I have to? 

Urbosa: just do it 

Mipha: It’ll be quick! 

Revali. Fine… 1. I killed five guardians from a hundred meters away, 2. I hit all targets in flight range in under ten seconds, and 3. I respect Link. 

Daruk: this isn’t even hard, three 

Urbosa: three 

Mipha: three, sadly 

Revali: you’re all correct, here’s your trophy, I’m going now 

(Revali left the chat) 

Daruk: welp, good game, guys! bye! 

(Daruk left the chat) 

Urbosa: seeya! 

(Urbosa left the chat) 

Mipha: I have to go, Link. 

Link: 👋 

(Mipha left the chat) 

(Link ended the chat)

Chapter Text

(Daruk started a chat) 

(Daruk added Mipha, Revali, Link, and Urbosa to the chat) 

Daruk: I think I’m getting the hang of piloting Rudania! What about you guys? 

Urbosa: it’s hard but I’m managing 

Revali: no clue about this flying rooster 

Link: 🫵🪽🐓

Revali: What are YOU trying to say, eh? 

Mipha: Um, Revali… he’s saying YOU’RE a flying rooster. 

Link: 👍 

Revali: WHAT!? YOU F***ING FAILURE OF A CHAMPION YOU– 

Daruk: BUT ANYWAY… Mipha, what about you? 

Mipha: I don’t need controls, Ruta responds to my voice! 

Link: 👏 

Daruk: IMPRESSIVE! 

Urbosa: You GO girl! 

Mipha: ^-^ 

Revali: HMPH 

(1 korok joined the chat) 

Korok: Yahaha! 

Link: 😨 

Mipha: Link, are you alright…? 

(2 koroks joined the chat) 

All 3 koroks: Yahaha! 

Urbosa: What in the hylia are those things!? 

(4 koroks joined the chat) 

All 7 koroks: Yahaha! 

Daruk: …what the… 

(8 koroks joined the chat) 

All 15 koroks: Yahaha! 

Revali: OH MY F***ING HYLIA WHAT ARE THESE THINGS 

(16 koroks joined the chat) 

All 31 koroks: Yahaha! 

(Daruk was disconnected from the chat) 

Mipha: Oh no… the chat is glitching… 

(32 koroks joined the chat) 

All 63 koroks: Yahaha! 

(Urbosa was disconnected from the chat) 

(64 koroks joined the chat) 

All 127 koroks: Yahaha! 

(Link was disconnected from the chat) 

(128 koroks joined the chat) 

All 255 koroks: Yahaha! 

(Revali was disconnected from the chat) 

(256 koroks joined the chat) 

All 511 koroks: Yahaha! 

(Mipha was disconnected from the chat) 

(489 koroks joined the chat) 

All 1000 koroks: YAHAHA! 

All 1000 koroks: YAHAHA! 

All 1000 koroks: YAHAHA! 

All 1000 koroks: YAHAHA! 

All 1000 koroks: YAHAHA! 

(Purah and Robbie joined the chat) 

Purah: oh my… 

Robbie: …what happened? 

All 1000 koroks: YAHAHA! YOU FOUND US! 

(Purah and Robbie were disconnected from the chat)

Chapter Text

(Purah and Robbie are back online) 

Purah: I’m sorry about the whole raid thing last time… 

Robbie: The thing is, Purah thought it would be a good idea to give all the hidden and travelling koroks sheikah slates… 

Purah: come on, I didn’t want to exclude anyone! 

Robbie: But anyway, they’ve been confiscated again, and it won’t be happening again. 

Purah: Buuuuut, just in case another raid is attempted, we’ve added a feature that should be helpful! 

Robbie: You can now ban and kick people from the chat! If you kick them, they can rejoin, but if you ban them, they can’t until they are unbanned! You champions cannot kick or ban each other, but you can all kick or ban anyone else! 

Purah: Give me a good CLICK SNAP! 

Mipha: I wonder exactly how this will affect our chats going forward… 

Revali: it sucks we can’t kick or ban each other 

Urbosa: yeah, or else I would definitely kick or ban you 

Revali: WHY YOU– 

Daruk: then we can kick or ban Ganon? 

Purah: Correct! However, I’d encourage you to only use it in case of an emergency! Everyone’s supposed to be able to interact on here, after all! 

Mipha: I see… interesting. 

Link: 🤔 

Daruk: Well, this’ll be great in order to keep the chat safe… 

Purah: It will! 

Robbie: But anyway, Robbie and Purah out! 

(Robbie and Purah left the chat) 

(Zelda joined the chat) 

Zelda: In any case, Christmas is coming up. What would you all like? I don’t know what to give you… 

Revali: You don’t know? Hah! I already know what I’m getting for everyone! 

Urbosa: as if you’d give us gifts… 

Revali: Urbosa, you’re getting a pair of flats because why the Hylia not, Daruk’s getting a book on how to overthrow hyrule’s royal family, Zelda’s going to get more failure, Link’s getting an arrow in the head because that’s exactly what he deserves, and finally, Mipha’s getting a sapphire to cope with hot temperatures! 

Link: 🧍🏹🐦 🎄🎁 

Mipha: he’s saying… “I’ll shoot you an arrow for your Christmas gift” 

Revali: I’d love to see you try! 

Link: 🙄 

Revali: hey, don’t you give me that!!!!! 

Zelda: But anyway, we’re hosting a huge christmas party at the castle! I hope you’ll all come! 

(Master Kohga and Sooga joined the chat) 

Master Kohga: Will there be bananas? 

Zelda: uh… sure, we can bring bananas! 

Master Kohga: SOOGA, WE’RE GOING! 

Sooga: Understood. 

Master Kohga: Goodbye… until then. 

(Master Kohga and Sooga left the chat) 

Daruk: Wait, speaking of Christmas… weren’t us champions going to do a secret santa? 

Mipha: Oh, right, I remember talking about this game… 

Daruk: One of us has to do random draws, and therefore not participate– 

Revali: I call random draws and not participating 

Urbosa: c’mon Ravioli, you should participate! 

Revali: already getting gifts for everyone, not interested, and DON’T CALL ME THAT 

(Revali has gone offline) 

Daruk: okay then 

Urbosa: boo 

Mipha: But how is he going to tell us all our results without anyone else knowing? 

Link: 📧? 

Mipha: ah, yes, probably 

Daruk: what’s the e-envelope 

Mipha: email 

(Revali is back online) 

Revali: I sent everyone the results over email, my work is done, goodbye 

(Revali left the chat) 

Daruk: everyone’s secret santas will be revealed on Christmas! it’s time to prepare!

Chapter Text

(The 24 main characters joined the chat) 

Daruk: Merry Christmas everyone! 

Zelda: I hope you enjoy the party! 

Mipha: Merry Christmas! 

Sidon: Merry Christmas indeed! 

Urbosa: Merry Christmas everybody! 

Astor: what is a “christmas” 

Urbosa: nvm 

Yunobo: that is a huge tree… 

Impa: indeed, it’s… quite flashy 

Paya: I helped to decorate it 

Tulin: I wish I could’ve helped! 

Riju: yeah same! 

Hestu: me too 

Hestu: I prepared a special christmas dance just for this party! 

Zelda: oh, really? 

Revali: I’m out 

Hestu: yes, and my gift for everyone who watches is one free storage space! 

Revali: …hmm, maybe I’ll watch 

(Hestu has gone offline) 

(Hestu is back online) 

Hestu: There! Anyway, got to go now! 

Master Kohga: where are the bananas? 

Zelda: *sighs* over there… 

Master Kohga: Come, Sooga! 

Sooga: Always. 

(Master Kohga and Sooga left the chat) 

Zelda: they took all the bananas again, and left with them… 

Urbosa: what did you expect? 

Hestu: well, at least they were here for my dance! 

Monk Maz Koshia: Link, I’ve something to give you. 

Link: 👀 

(Monk Maz Koshia has gone offline) 

Link: O.O 

(Monk Maz Koshia is back online) 

Link: 🏍️! 🏍️! 🏍️! 🏍️! 🏍️! 

Monk Maz Koshia: do you like it? 

Link: 👍👍👍♥️♥️♥️ 

Monk Maz Koshia: Good, now, I shall be taking my leave. 

(Monk Maz Koshia left the chat) 

Mipha: Wow, Link… you have your own divine beast now! 

Revali: pfft, it’s tiny compared to mine, just like he’s tiny compared to me 

Link: 🖕

Revali: CRY ABOUT IT 

Mipha: Revali, don’t be mean to Link 

Revali: …fine, anyway, it’s about time that I give out the gifts I mentioned 

Urbosa: omg you actually got me flats 

Revali: told you! 

Urbosa: OW OH MY HYLIA THEY HAVE SPIKES ON THEM 

Revali: HAHAHA REVENGE IS SWEET 

Daruk: a book that says “how to overthrow hyrule’s royal family” on the cover 

King Rhoam: I wouldn’t recommend that 

(Revali kicked King Rhoam from the chat) 

Zelda: REVALI! 

Impa: O.O 

Revali: go ahead and do it, Daruk 

(Zelda was disconnected from the chat) 

Revali: HA! MORE FAILURE, AS PROMISED! 

Urbosa: omg Revali’s going crazy 

Revali: SHUTUP ANYWAY Mipha here’s your sapphire 

Mipha: o– oh… thank you… 

Revali: As for Link… 

Link: !!!!! 

Mipha: REVALI! 

Revali: an arrow square in the head JUST AS YOU DESERVE! 

Link: 😡🏹🐦☠️ 

(Revali was disconnected from the chat) 

Mipha: Link… is he dead…? 

Link: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

(Revali reconnected to the chat) 

Revali: I’m perfectly alive– OW! 

Mipha: that’s enough, I’m healing you both, no more fighting! 

(Mipha has gone offline) 

(Mipha is back online) 

Mipha: THERE NOW BE CIVIL. 

Revali: yes ma’am 

Link: 😨 

(Terrako was disconnected from the chat) 

Impa: oh shoot, we forgot to charge him before this party… I’ll take him to go get charged 

(Impa left the chat) 

Paya: wait for me! 

(Paya left the chat) 

Purah: But anyway, let’s talk presents! 

Robbie: I’ve sorted them already! 

Purah: Already? Awesome! Let’s open them! 

*a few moments later* 

Mipha: Luminous stone jewelry…? 

Sidon: I’ve got matching jewelry! Thank you, father! 

King Dorephan: of course, I must leave now, though 

Mipha: Goodbye, father! 

(King Dorephan left the chat) 

Link: ♥️🐟🎁 

Mipha: Oh right, the present from you, Link! Let’s see… I got… wait… is this… luminous stone? A carving made from luminous stone, of me? 

Link: 👍 

Mipha: Thank you, Link… as for you, I forged a special sword for you to use, with high durability so that you don’t break it as fast. 

Link: 👀🙏♥️🫂 

Mipha: awwwww… of course! 

Tulin: A new bow? Thanks Dad! 

Teba: no problem, we have to go home though 

Tulin: oh okay 

(Teba and Tulin left the chat) 

Daruk: premium rock roast? thanks, Yunobo! I even got the exact same thing for you! 

Yunobo: w– whoa! 

Astor: for all of you, I have a prophecy… Calamity Ganon will soon– 

(Astor was disconnected from the chat) 

Yunobo: I have to go now… 

Daruk: see ya! 

(Yunobo left the chat) 

Urbosa: a new hairpin? well, thank you, Riju 

Riju: of course! and thanks for the new saddle! I got to go, though 

(Riju left the chat) 

Hestu: new maracas!? who gave me these!? 

Sidon: I did, after your complaints about the koroks stealing them! 

Hestu: awesome, thanks! I’m gonna go show them off! 

(Hestu left the chat) 

Sidon: It was wonderful to be here, but I must leave to attend to duties I have! 

(Sidon left the chat) 

Purah: I think it’s time to unveil the champion’s secret santa game! 

Robbie: Yes, so, first, reveal who you were the secret santa of! And then you can open your presents! 

Purah: And have fun! 

Mipha: I was the secret santa of Link! 

Daruk: I was the secret santa of Urbosa! 

Link: 😶🧑‍🎄🪨 

Urbosa: I was the secret santa of Mipha! 

Purah: Great, now, open your presents! 

Robbie: And have fun! 

(Purah and Robbie left the chat) 

Daruk: More premium rock roast!? Little guy, thanks so much! You’re getting a premium goron hug! 

Link: 😱

(Link was disconnected from the chat) 

Mipha: DARUK 

(Link reconnected to the chat) 

Link: 😓 

Urbosa: gemstones? awesome! 

Daruk: yep, straight from Death Mountain! 

Link: 🍣? 

Mipha: You mentioned loving sushi, and so I made some for you… is it good? 

Link: 👍😋 

Mipha: I’m glad to hear it… Urbosa, wow… you got me jewelry too? 

Urbosa: a circlet made in the gerudo desert, crafted to give you complete shock resistance 

Mipha: I don’t ever need to worry about shock arrows now…? 

Urbosa: not that, or being shocked again, ever! 

Mipha: wow… thank you 

Urbosa: it’s the least you deserve for christmas 

Daruk: wait, are… the only ones on this chat the champions now? 

Urbosa: pretty sure 

Link: 6️⃣? 

Mipha: Link’s right… there are six people on this chat… 

Revali: but who’s the sixth? 

Ganon: I AM STILL HERE. 

Daruk: AAAAAHHHHH NOOOOO– 

(everyone was disconnected from the chat)