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Scientists have reported that, once the heart stops, the brain doesn’t shut down instantly. It suggests that death is not like a switch flipping off, one second here and the next, gone—life leaves the bodies bit by bit, a slow surrender.
People who have come back from the brink of death often declare that they saw “their life flash before their eyes.”
This is what Todoroki Touya sees.
1.
He woke up after a three-year-long coma in a hospital facility. He was sixteen by then. The last thing he remembered was being thirteen and being on fire.
He set fire to the hospital and ran away, barefoot and lost, trying to find his way back home. He remembers thinking about his Mom, all the mean things he said to her, and feeling deeply sorry. He remembers thinking he still had so much to do. So much to prove.
He found a monster back at home. Thus, Dabi was born.
2.
One day, when Touya was seven and Fuyumi was six, they realized she had grown taller than him. The difference was minimal: a centimeter or two.
She beamed. Touya was so angry at her after that, as if it was her fault. He didn’t talk to her for the rest of the day, refusing to play with her or explain why he was angry. His anger was forgotten by the morning.
3.
He was seventeen and living on the streets when he smoked for the first time. He remembered, absentmindedly, doctors saying that his lungs were a delicate thing when he was younger.
He laughed. Even though he was already planning his comeback, he sort of hoped he would die sooner rather than later.
4.
Touya doesn’t think he's ever felt as happy as he did the day his quirk manifested and he could show off to his father. There was a certain glint in his eyes, a pride he was loud to declare. Every day after that, he's done nothing but chase that feeling.
5.
Shouto was born divided in two. Red and white. Blue and grey. Fire and ice.
Touya wanted to take the baby and set him on fire. How did he get so lucky? How could he be born in the perfect image of what their Father wanted from them? Touya had tried so, so hard; he had tried his best. All it took for Shouto was to be born.
6.
His family wasn’t Christian. He didn’t hear about Cain and Abel until later.
7.
When he hugged his baby brother maniacally, he thought, Am I my brother’s keeper?
8.
He was eighteen when the scars started to grow. He wanted to tear his body apart piece by piece. This imperfect machine. This cage that restricted his potential.
He was born with a fire so strong it was eating him from the inside. Maybe this is where he decided his fate was to burn.
Maybe he didn’t have a choice at all.
9.
At twenty-three, he saw his father again. He was hoping for some recognition, for his father to look into his eyes and find there the kid he used to cherish. The kid who wasn't his perfect creation, but—almost. Almost.
His father only saw him as a villain. So, Dabi decided that was all there was to it.
10.
Natsuo used to cry if Touya didn't share his toys with him. It was so fucking annoying.
His mom always tried to explain to him, You need to be kinder to your brother, Touya. You’re the oldest.
But Touya never learned how to be softer.
11.
The way Spinner scowled when he was annoyed reminded Dabi of someone he was supposed to forget. The small click of the tongue. The frown on his face.
Dabi flickered his forehead sometimes. Just to make him angry. Just to find a reflection of someone he met in another life.
12.
The first memory he registers is being three and running in his childhood home's backyard. Fuyumi was running behind, screaming and laughing; Mom was sitting close by, knitting.
He can't remember if his Father was there, too. He hopes he was.
13.
It felt so strange. Seeing Shouto again.
The last thing he saw was him, being a baby, and forced to train with their Father. The glimpse he caught when he failed to go back home. He was so small back then.
He was all grown up when the League attacked the camp. Dabi felt a rage boiling in his chest. A twisted sense of pride. A sadness he didn’t know where to keep.
He wanted him to die. He was angry, he thought, because that was easier to understand than being alone.
14.
“Dabi-kun!” Toga exclaimed, laying forward on the bar's counter. She had been trying to get Kurogiri to teach her how to make drinks, which Kurogiri refused to do because she was a kid. As if they weren’t criminals to begin with. “How about you?”
He arched an eyebrow. “What about me?”
She pouted. “Weren’t you listening? We were talking about our families!”
He tensed only slightly.
“Do you have any siblings, Dabi-kun?”
He tried not to think about his siblings too much. They were nothing but ties to cut. Blood that would be shed, if his mission called for it.
(Magne told him one time that maybe he should be careful while using fire, if those scars were a consequence of that, and Dabi had a knee-jerk reaction to tell her to go fuck herself. It almost ended in a fight.
Her words were reminiscent of the sister he left behind. I don't want you to get hurt, she said. He thought she would never understand).
(Toga was the same age as Shouto, give or take a year. Sometimes, he couldn’t look her in the eye).
“Nah,” he said. Simple. “Nothin’ like that.”
15.
Touya never learned how to be softer, so when confronted face to face with his baby brother again, he pointed and shot.
He said, we're running parallel lines, but our paths will never cross.
Shouto fought tooth and nail to prove him otherwise.
16.
At seventeen, he ran nameless down the streets, stealing alcohol, burning cigarettes, fighting anything and anyone who came across his way.
That's how he lived. Day by day. Getting into fights, beat into a pulp, setting things on fire. He tasted blood on his tongue and broke his knuckles and bared his teeth.
17.
At twenty-three, he heard of the League of Villains.
It was a ridiculous group. Its leader was a twenty-something who looked like he could fall dead at any given moment. They were the trash of society. Everything discarded, everything that couldn’t find another place to fit in.
It was pathetic. Still, Dabi stayed.
18.
When Shouto was three, he started imitating. He would trail behind Touya, snarl in the same way he did, wrinkle his nose like he did when disgusted, say he didn’t like the same things Touya disliked.
He observed with big, curious eyes, every step Touya took, and he followed. Touya hated him a little more for it.
19.
Touya died his first death at thirteen.
20.
“Are we letting Spinner on the wheel? Again?”
Spinner threw the keys to the air and caught them in his fist, clearly pleased with himself. He was so enticed he didn’t even glare at Dabi when he said, “Get yourself a bike and ride on that if you don’t like it.”
“Easy, gentlemen,” Compress said, raising both hands, like mediating between two kids. “We wouldn’t want to keep the man of the hour waiting. Isn’t that right, boss?”
Shigaraki didn’t even turn to look at them. “Let's just get moving.”
21.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell us,” Toga said.
Touya picked at one of his staples, tilting his head in her direction. “What?”
“You know what,” she replied quickly.
Secrets burning on his tongue. A past he held as a weapon. A grand reveal. He had to keep the secret close to his chest, so he would be able to pull the card when it was the most convenient.
This was a game, and he set down the rules.
“It was a big thing,” he replied, smirking. “Had to put up a bit of a show.”
Toga snorted, mirthless. She wasn’t as bright as she used to be anymore.
“Compress would congratulate you for that.” She looked at her own nails, a strangely thoughtful look in her face.
Touya hummed. Then, putting a hand inside his pocket, he said, “Hey, freak of nature. I've got something for you.”
When she looked at him, he pulled out the small flask with blood, his only token of kindness. She frowned in confusion.
“Have you thought of giving Twice one last performance?”
22.
The truth is, he doesn’t remember a time when he didn’t have siblings. Fuyumi was born close enough after him that their beginnings blurred into the same starting line. Before her, he was nothing.
23.
He never got to apologize to his mom. It's such a dumb thing to settle on, when you’re dying.
24.
At twenty-four, Dabi dies his second death.
He felt his dad crawl up to him, and he thought—if only he knew sooner.