Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The air was frigid in the empty Spire High parking lot, which did nothing to help Shadow Milk’s already foul mood as he loaded his back up wheelchair into the cargo compartment under the coach. Although he had been Student Body President for three years now, this was the first year Shadow Milk was successfully convinced to attend the summer leadership camp. To be honest, he couldn’t tell you why he finally resigned to doing it. It could be because it was his last year of high school, and he wanted to make it count. Or it could be because he wanted to have a new canvas to paint with his favorite medium; pranks. More likely the latter.

He waved a quick goodbye to his friend Black Sapphire, who had driven him there, before boarding the bus. The coach was a lot less polished then the pictures online showed, wires hanging from outlets and unidentified sludge on armrests. Shadow Milk settled on a window seat a little bit from the front. Spire High was the first of 3 high schools they were picking up, but the drive to the next wasn’t very far.

As they pulled into the next school, Shadow Milk rolled his eyes at the sight of a signature head of blonde hair. Although he couldn’t see him, Shadow Milk plastered a scowl on his face as Pure Vanilla passed him. Through his best attempt to stay silent, Shadow Milk was unable to stifle a giggle as Ram, a seeing eye dog, tried and failed to hop up onto the bus seat. Pure Vanilla froze, looking in his direction. “Shadow Milk?” Shadow Milk refused to meet his eyes, despite the fact he couldn’t see him. “Pure Vanilla. I wasn’t aware you’d be attending.” Academic rivals since the fifth grade, Shadow Milk and Pure Vanilla’s tense relationship was only fueled when they went to rival high schools.

Years of debate tournaments, increasingly elaborate spirit weeks, and quick remarks had led to the one thing Shadow Milk despises most about Pure Vanilla.

He knows him.

Better than anyone.

Through moving, breakups, and even Shadow Milk’s transition, Pure Vanilla and his annoying serene smile was the only constant. Being the only disabled students in their small middle school, and later, the only disabled student presidents, there was another element to their relationship. Forced to advocate for each other when no once else could, they had a deeper understanding of each other then either would admit.

So, although Shadow Milk would rather jump out the window and get run over by the bus than admit it, a small part of him felt relief that Pure Vanilla was there.

The rest of the bus ride was manageable, surprisingly. Pure Vanilla sat with his seeing-eye dog, Ram, and a quiet girl sat down next to Shadow Milk. She was quiet, so he didn’t mind. Excited chatter filled the bus as they approached the camp. When they finally arrived, Shadow Milk grabbed his cane and immediately went to start unloading his stuff. That is, until, from the corner of his eye he saw Pure Vanilla almost fall. The guy who had bumped him turned around angrily. “Hey! Watch it!” Shadow Milk saw Pure Vanilla start to mutter an apology, but before he could- “HEY! You watch it! He’s blind, dumbass. See the dog? Or are you too dense to put two and two together and would rather just yell at anyone you see?” The guy froze, mumbling an apology under his breath before quickly getting off the bus. Pure Vanilla looked up in the direction of Shadow Milk’s voice. “Tha-“ “Don’t mention it.” Shadow Milk turned on his heels and went to go get his suitcase.

After a quick tour of the campus, which to his dismay included Pure Vanilla in his group, they stopped at the small building on the outskirts of camp. “This is the accessible cabin. Please go ahead and put your stuff inside!” Shadow Milk stepped forward, thrilled at having his own cabin, Until- “Could you get the door please?” He froze.

Of course. Of course *he* was here.

Of course they were sharing the tiniest dorm in the entire camp, just the two of them.

Glancing over, he saw Pure Vanilla fumbling for the door, Ram waiting expectantly. Although Shadow Milk would never admit it, he’d always had a soft spot for the large labrador. Ram had huge paws, a fluffy coat, and a bright red harness declaring his status as a seeing eye dog. On the rare occasion they had been in the same vicinity long enough for Ram to be given a break, the second his harness was off he would run to Shadow Milk to say hello.

Perhaps there was a small silver lining to this living arrangement.

Given this, Shadow Milk sighed dramatically before pushing open the door for Pure Vanilla and let Ram lead him in. “For Ram.” From the corner of his eye, he could swear he saw a smirk on Pure Vanilla’s face. “Of course. For Ram.” What Shadow Milk did not comment on was grabbing the crème suitcase from the doorway, or how Pure Vanilla instinctively stepped out of the way of his cane.

After unpacking and heading to the dining hall for dinner, the sun had already set and it was time to head back to the cabin for the night. Once they got inside, Shadow Milk tried to maintain an air of arrogance, even as he forced away a smile when Ram was released from duty. The evening passed in silence as they got ready for bed, Pure Vanilla learning the layout of the dorm. Ram discovered the back porch with a small couch and quickly established it as his property, declining to come inside for the night. “Aren’t you worried he’ll run off?” Shadow Milk pondered. “He’s trained well. Even off duty, he won’t go far.” Shadow Milk nodded, glancing again at the furry lump now fast asleep on the furniture. “You sure do love Ram, don’t you?” Pure Vanilla grinned. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Despite his denial, Shadow Milk still smiled when Ram thumped his tail at him through the window.

After a while, they both laid down on their bunks, tossing and turning in an attempt to get comfortable. “Jesus. Yeah, put the guy with chronic joint pain on the rock solid mattress. That’s a great idea. How accessible!” Shadow Milk groaned as he rolled over again to try to soothe some of the burning pain.

A beat of silence passed.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps from the other side of the room.

“Get up.” Shadow Milk opened his eyes to see Pure Vanilla standing there, holding his blanket and pillow. “What- I was trying to sleep!” “Yeah, unsuccessfully. Get up. My bed is softer.” Shadow Milk blinked, before processing what was happening and letting out a dramatic gasp. “Goodness! Moving all your things over just for little old me? How romantic!” Pure Vanilla swung his pillow at approximately where he thought his head was, but Shadow Milk ducked out of the way at just the last moment. “Shut up. They put a shelf right above my pillow, I kept forgetting it was there and bumping my head on it. Now move so I can sleep.” Shadow Milk couldn’t come up with a good retort, so he defeatedly moved his things over.

And although he didn’t say a thing, he silently thanked Pure Vanilla as he finally drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Text

The first thing Shadow Milk registered when he woke up was he wasn’t at home. 

The second thing he registered was the heavy, warm weight on his legs.

 Right. Camp. 

He sat up and looked around. Pure Vanilla wasn’t in the room, probably getting ready somewhere else. The warm weight was Ram, who must’ve come inside at some point during the night. Shadow Milk reached down to pet him, and Ram immediately rolled over for a belly rub, paws wrapping around the arm to hold it in place. Shadow Milk snorted, smiling as he plotted his plans for the day. 

He instinctively opened his phone, only to be met with no service. 

Right. Middle of the woods.

He shifted his legs out from under Ram, and was picking out an outfit from his bag when Pure Vanilla walked in. 

His long hair was up in a ponytail, and he was wearing a blue tank top with jean shorts. Scanning his outfit, Shadow Milk noticed his socks. Perfectly matched, of course, as always. 

However, one couldn’t possibly expect Shadow Milk to pass up on this opportunity. 

“Oh Silly Vanilly~” He teased in a singsong voice. “Your socks are mismatched. Better fix that. We wouldn’t want the others to get the wrong impression, would we?”

 Pure Vanilla frowned. “I swear I checked with Custard before I left- he said they all matched. Shadow Milk, are you messing with me?” “Of course not!” He lied. “Simply paying you back for the favor last night.” Hesitantly, Pure Vanilla reached into his suitcase, feeling for another pair of socks. 

Pulling out another matched pair, he held them up. “Is this the match? How did they get shuffled..” Shadow Milk smiled as he took the socks and pulled a bright blue sock out to hand to his roommate. “Here you go! Now you’ll look presentable.” Pure Vanilla changed one sock, confirming with Shadow Milk they now “matched”. 

Although it wasn’t a grand scheme, the thought of someone pointing it out during the day carried Shadow Milk through his morning routine and to the dining hall. 

Breakfast was an uneventful affair. Seating by school meant a break from Pure Vanilla, but it also meant having to deal with Candy Apple. Spire High’s Event Coordinator, she was full of school spirit. Too much school spirit. There was never a silent moment as Candy Apple rambled on about her next assembly ideas that made Shadow Milk want to smash his face into his pancakes. 

He’d known her since she was nine and he was twelve, and in those six years she hadn’t changed one bit. He was glad to have someone as passionate as her on the team, but really, could she not be quiet for one second?

After breakfast, campers were to meet by cabin on the large field. Like some sick joke, this included Pure Vanilla and Shadow Milk. “Shouldn’t we at least have a counselor?” Shadow Milk groaned as he stood by Pure Vanilla. 

“I asked this morning. Apparently there’s usually more students in the dorm, but because it’s just the two of us, and they’re already short staffed, they decided we could manage.” 

Shadow Milk rolled his eyes. “Aren’t they worried? Every other dorm has a councilor.” 

“Worried about what, exactly? That-“ Pure Vanilla was cut off by the loudspeaker.

 “Good morning campers! I hope you all slept well, because now it’s time for the inaugural Morning Hike! You will choose a trail as a dorm, and get to know your bunkmates as you walk!” 

Shadow Milk scowled. “A hike? It’s barely nine! This HAS to be some form of torture.” Pure Vanilla only laughed, before turning towards the cabin.

 “What- Where are you going?” Shadow Milk sped to catch up. “To the cabin. If we’re going on a hike I figured you’d want an aid.” Pure Vanilla was right. Shadow Milk had felt pretty good this morning, so he’d left without an aid, but the prospect of a hike was daunting. 

“Fine. If you insist.” Shadow Milk turned his gaze away from Pure Vanilla, briefly wondering when he had started looking, but not before he caught the hint of a smile on his lips.

They settled on the shortest trail, which was close to the camp and seemed fairly level. Shadow Milk watched as Ram carefully guided his handler around rocks, roots, and bushes, never breaking his focus. Pure Vanilla walked alongside him, matching the pace of Shadow Milk’s cane. 

They traveled in silence for a while, enjoying the sights and sounds of the forest. Surprising himself, Shadow Milk was the first to break it. 

“I lied. This morning,”

  Pure Vanilla looked up. “Your socks matched. They’re mismatched now.” 

Pure Vanilla only smiled and kept walking. “I know. I figured you were messing with me.” 

Shadow Milk stopped.

 “You knew? Why- What-“ He stuttered, confused why his prank would be enabled.

 “You seemed pleased with yourself. I figured looking a little silly was worth it. Besides, I am, what was it? Silly Vanilly? Seems fitting then, after all.” 

Shadow Milk took a moment to register Pure Vanilla had kept walking, too busy trying to rationalize this sudden change in behavior.

 Pure Vanilla never normally acted this- weird? Playful? A small part of his mind whispered the word ‘flirty’, which he quickly shoved down. 

What was this? Some kind of trick? It must be. Yes, that’s it, a prank to get back at him. To leave him… flustered? This walk must be more exerting than he thought. Shaking his head, he turned to catch up to Pure Vanilla, who had eventually stopped at the next corner. 

And if the red lingered on his cheeks, well, Pure Vanilla didn’t need to know that.

The rest of the hike passed in silence, the only sound the birds in the distance, and the occasional snap of a twig under a paw.

 Shadow Milk looked over at Pure Vanilla.

 At the golden hair pulled into a practiced ponytail. At his faith in Ram to keep him safe. At the way he wordlessly matched Shadow Milk’s pace without question. 

Shadow Milk watched a squirrel run up a tree as he wondered, “when did this happen?” When did their sharp words turn into playful banter, when did their tense silence become understanding? 

Was it when Pure Vanilla brought Ram to school for the first time, and Shadow Milk started putting glitter in the lockers of those who tried to pet him? 

Or was it when Pure Vanilla taught him how to use the elevator the first time he came to school in a wheelchair? 

Questions swirled in his mind. When had Pure Vanilla turned into… Pure Vanilla? He wasn’t always like this, Shadow Milk reasoned. He’s simply become more tolerable, that’s that. 

But that answer didn’t quite feel right in a way, though Shadow Milk swallowed it down until it felt like a pit at the bottom of his stomach. 

He was so wrapped up in his thoughts, he barely noticed when the trail looped back on itself and they were standing in front of their cabin. 

They barely made it inside before the rain started. Heavy, like a blanket of water had been placed over the camp. It hammered against the tin roof, piling in puddles on the porch. Ram, for one, was not happy about it. His favorite spot was now wet, and he was having none of it. Shadow Milk stood for a moment, and when he turned back, his bed was immediately filled with a pile of white fur, already snoring. He tried to be annoyed, but couldn’t be. That is, until he tried to sit down.

 It turns out a tiny twin bunk is not enough room for a Study Body President and his roommate’s giant white lab. 

Shadow Milk was forced into corners, kicked, pushed, and almost rolled off the bed one too many times before he finally gave up and let Ram have the bed. Grumbling, he sat on the floor and waited for Pure Vanilla to return from getting changed. 

When Pure Vanilla returned, now in warmer clothes, Shadow Milk immediately stood up. “Your dog won’t get off my bed. He won’t share it, either.” Pure Vanilla giggled his annoying, cheery giggle before calling to Ram. “Ram? Get off the bed, love.” 

Ram looked up, but made no move to get up. 

“Ram, I know you can hear me.” Ram wagged his tail at the attention before rolling over for a belly rub.

 “He’s just asking for pets, Nilla. I thought he was supposed to be trained?” Shadow Milk, in all honesty, was beginning to enjoy this back and forth with the usually well behaved Ram.

 “He is.” Pure Vanilla’s brow furrowed. “Come here, Ram. Now.” Ram flipped over, before finally getting off and moving to stand beside his owner. “Good boy, Ram.” 

Shadow Milk watched as Ram gobbled a treat, waiting for another command. When he realized none were coming, he turned, and Shadow Milk couldn’t help but laugh as he hopped back up on the bed, laying back down for a nap. Pure Vanilla was silent.

 “He’s back on the bed, isn’t he.” 

“Yep.” 

A sigh. Another beat of silence.

 “I’ll sit on the floor. You can have my bed.” Before Shadow Milk could protest, Pure Vanilla was already sitting down in front of Ram, pulling out his headphones. 

“W-Wait, what? You can’t just do that, the floor is cold and we're here until dinner!” Pure Vanilla looked up.

 “He’s my dog. Trained or not, his behavior is my responsibility.” Shadow Milk stuttered, trying to find a solution that did not involve one of them spending the next hour on the dirty hardwood floor.

 “Then, just. Just come up here. We can share the bed. It’s just for an hour.”

 Pure Vanilla raised his eyebrows, and for a second Shadow Milk could swear he saw a gleam of a smile on the others lips.

 “Huh. Never thought I’d see the day Shadow Milk willingly invites me into his personal space.”

 “Shut up.” 

Pure Vanilla hummed as he laid down next to him, shoulders touching on the small bed. Outside was cold but the room was warm, although that could just be the proximity. Suddenly, every breath felt like a weight on his chest, the thick air heavy with something new. 

Not the scalding, sharp tension that would form during debate tournaments, but something new. 

Something… soft. 

Shadow Milk turned his head ever so slightly to look at Pure Vanilla. His eyes were closed, arms folded gently across his stomach, and that stupid smile on his face. 

Shadow Milk let his eyes trail through his hair, now let down and cascading around his shoulders onto the mattress, and across his profile, soft nose that drops off onto plump lips. His gaze wanders down his chin, curving down the slope of his neck and onto the collar of a presumably homemade knit sweater.

 Yet another thing Pure Vanilla was annoyingly good at. 

Shadow Milk sighed, letting his eyes fall close and drift into a slumber. As he nodded off, he could swear he felt something against his hand. 

In the bubble of unsaid words, he let his fingers intertwine in a single wordless whisper.

Chapter Text

It was cold. 

The rain hadn’t stopped yet, and the window they had opened yesterday now blew in chilly air. Shadow Milk tried to reach for a blanket, but realized he couldn’t move his arm.

What the…

He opened his eyes. The room was nearly pitch black, besides the moonlight streaming in from the window. In the dim light, he could see Ram, still asleep on Pure Vanilla’s bed. Or, wait.

Shadow Milk’s bed.

He snapped his head down, laying his eyes on the culprit of his immobilized arm. Pure Vanilla, fast asleep, lying on his arm. He was curled up, likely from the cold, into Shadow Milk’s side. Everything came flooding back, Ram’s antics, the decision to share the bed, drifting off… He glanced down at his other arm. Sure enough, his fingers were still intertwined with Pure Vanilla’s. Before he could get too lost in his own thoughts, the figure next to him stirred. Shadow Milk didn’t move a muscle, almost too scared to breathe, as Pure Vanilla awoke. “Shadow Milk?” It was barely a whisper, a check to see if the other was awake.

Shadow Milk didn’t know why he didn’t say a word. He watched as Pure Vanilla shifted, freeing an arm before pulling a blanket up over them. Noticeably, he never let go of his hand. He laid back down. For a moment, Shadow Milk thought he was going to get up. Instead, Pure Vanilla moved closer. wrapping his free arm around him, and resting his chin atop the head of blue hair. For a moment, they stayed like that.

Then, Shadow Milk spoke.

“Hi,” He breathed.

Pure Vanilla jumped a little. “I didn’t think you were awake.” Shadow Milk hummed in acknowledgement. “It’s cold.”

Neither of them mentioned the position they were currently in.

Shadow Milk was the first to test the boundaries of this new… whatever this was. He swung his arm over Pure Vanilla’s shoulder, pulling them into an awkward sort of embrace. Pure Vanilla didn’t pull away. Instead, he craned his neck down to push their foreheads together. The silence broke with a laugh.

“I think we missed dinner.”

Something about the way Pure Vanilla said it, the way he said something so casually, how he made jokes, while being held by someone, by Shadow Milk, it was almost sickening. He could feel knots in his stomach as he responded. “Yeah, well, at least we got some rest after the hike.” Pure Vanilla nodded almost imperceptibly, but with how close they were it was loud and clear. His hand slid up, landing on Shadow Milk’s cheek. He drew soft circles with the pad of his thumb, each stroke a silent question.

Is this okay

Are we okay

I think I like this

Is this allowed

They stayed like that, together, for an indeterminate amount of time. Breathing, feather-light touches, existing. Shadow Milk studied every inch of Pure Vanilla’s face, as if he could memorize every inch if he tried long enough. Perhaps he could. This was something different. It was the gentle care that had been there all along, but stripped bare in the moonlight. No sarcastic remarks or practical jokes masking reality. There was nowhere to hide in the moonlight, and for once, there wasn’t a need to.

Pure Vanilla’s hand stilled. They were on the borderline of something new. Something much more then the routine. Something raw and real. The moment of silence felt like eons, waiting for something they both knew was coming but didn’t want to be the one who said it. 

It was barely a breath. If they weren’t already so close, Shadow Milk probably wouldn’t have heard it.

“Can I-“

“Yeah.”

It was soft.

Feather-light, like all his touches had been. It couldn’t have been more than a second before they were already pulling apart. Even in the dark, Shadow Milk could see how red Pure Vanilla’s face was. He attempted to break the silence with some teasing. “Really, Nilly? You’re not gonna break me, you know that, ri-“ 

The second kiss wasn’t soft. It was raw. It was impulsive, an act of pure indulgence.

 Not that Shadow Milk minded. 

Their lips pressed together like waves crashing against a rocky shore, falling victim to the tide pulling them together. He dragged himself down, pressing gentle kisses along Pure Vanilla’s chin and down his neck. Kisses peppered upon tan skin each one a wordless message.

It’s okay

This is weird

But I think I’m happy

I think I like you

Shadow Milk slowed his affections, resting his head down on the pillow. When he finally spoke, his voice was hoarse with sleep and unspoken feelings. 

“Why now.”

Why had Pure Vanilla kissed him- a question within itself- but why now? Why after years of bickering, years of rivalry, had they ended up here? Here, tangled up with each other, kisses still warm on their skin, inches apart. 

“Because I wanted to.”

It was a simple answer. But the weight and meaning behind it felt like a gunshot. Shadow Milk opened his mouth, but found himself dry of words. The simple serene smile was in direct contrast to the pounding heartbeat Shadow Milk could feel where their bodies met. He felt like he was floating. Falling. Letting the force of the tide pull him. His mind raced. Why had he said yes. Why hadn’t he shot up, gagged, and moved back to his own bed. He was lost in his head, trying to rationalize his own actions. Through it all, he was able to manage one sentence.

“This is new.”

Pure Vanilla giggled. “Yeah. It’s new. I don’t…” He trailed off. A deep breath. “I don’t think it’s… bad. Though.” 

A confession. A veiled confession, and a small confession. All the same, a confession that made Shadow Milk’s heart pound in his chest and his mouth dry as he tried to respond. “I’m supposed to hate you.” His fists tangled in Pure Vanilla’s sweater. “We’re not supposed to do this. We’re rivals.” 

Pure Vanilla was silent for a moment. Reflecting. “That’s true. But when have we ever done what we were supposed to?” 

————————

They were ten when they met. 

Some first-year teacher thought it would be a good idea to turn grades into a competition. Naturally, being the two top ‘girls’ in class, they were pitted against each other. Continually trying to outdo each other, trying to live up to their quickly established reputation as rivals. 

As they grew up, eventually they stopped conforming to the boxes they were forced into. Transitioning, becoming visible figures at their schools with disabilities, rejecting societal norms and pressures at every turn. 

They never questioned their relationship. 

Never questioned why they were rivals when they understood each other like no one else, when they helped each other when no one else would.

 It was simply the way that they were, and they were rivals. 

————————

In the moonlight, Shadow Milk thought. They had rejected every label society had thrown at them, while simultaneously never second guessing this one. Rivals. That’s what they were, right? They cared for each other, sure, but that was out of necessity. And the quiet moments… Those were harder to explain. The moments in between snide remarks, where they simply existed. Away from prying eyes, the silent world between them that was never spoken of. 

Shadow Milk looked over at Pure Vanilla. At the light bouncing off his skin, at the slight smile still on his lips. 

“This is another label. Another thing they told us we were.” Pure Vanilla nodded, as if he’d come to this realization a long time ago. “I realized when you yelled at that guy. On the bus. If you hated me, you wouldn’t stand up for me like that. If I hated you, I wouldn’t move all my stuff in the night so you could sleep better. We never hated each other, Shadow Milk. We were told we did. We’ve defied every other thing they’ve told us. Does this have to be an exception? Or… Can we define this ourselves? Together?”

Shadow Milk was quiet. 

“You know, Nilla, they were right about one thing. You are annoyingly smart.” Pure Vanilla let out a soft sigh in amusement, before his lips were captured again into a kiss.

It wasn't urgent, but it was intense.

It was years of confusion, masked feelings, and excuses covering care, all coming crashing down into one moment. It was more than just a kiss. It was a rejection of social norms, a protest of labels, and raw expression. It represented everything contrary in the world, every battle they had fought and every argument they had debated. 

And as they drifted off back into slumber, still pressed together, it was a promise.

Chapter Text

I love my dad. He is warm and gives me treats when I do things right. I guide Dad around obstacles, they taught me that in school. I like my job. I like my bed, too. I miss my bed. Here I quickly found a nice bed too, but it is wet now. This other bed is warm and soft though. 

I have been with my dad since he was much smaller, and I just left school. He had a hard time trusting me at first, but that came with time. Eventually, I met Blue Dad. Blue Dad is fun. He plays with me when Dad gives me a break. We are living with Blue Dad. Dad did not seem happy at first, but now he laughs a lot. I get my own bed. I like it. 

During the day we walk all around. There are lots of different smells, but I stay focused. Sometimes we are with people, but mostly it is just me, Dad, and Blue Dad. 

Blue Dad likes Dad. Sometimes he sounds like he doesn’t, but I can tell. 

Sometimes Blue Dad lays in bed. I can tell something is wrong, so I lay with him. Dad tells me I’m a good boy.

Lately, Dad and Blue Dad have been talking more. Sometimes they ignore me when I’m right there. I paw at them, and they give me a quick pet before turning back to each other. I am happy they are happy, but sometimes I get fed up with them. Then I lie between them.

I can tell things are changing. I am very smart. Dad smells like Blue Dad more. Blue Dad plays with me more. But the items are getting packed back into bags. We are leaving soon. I will miss Blue Dad. I hope I will see him again soon.