Chapter Text

Chapter 1: Medicine

Harry Potter finished the war two months ago now. It had been exactly two months since the Battle of Hogwarts. Two months since he'd lost family and friends. Two months since Ginny was killed by Bellatrix. Two months of watching his family lose themselves. Ron buried himself in Auror training, Fred and George spent all their time in the shop, Charlie and Bill moved back home to take care of Molly and Arthur, Harry himself just spent all his time in Grimmauld Place, he hadn’t seen anyone since the day after the battle ended; he didn't know how to talk to people when he knew he’d take away their family. What was once the busy, happy Burrow is now just full of sadness. And now Harry’s expected to go to a massive Ministry party, brag about killing Voldemort and how happy he is now. The war may be over for most people, but it’s only just begun for those who lost their loved ones.

Harry couldn't figure out how to deal with all the people that were following him — family, friends, teachers, even people he didn't know seemed to haunt him. He supposed it was his fault Voldemort had given him a chance to sacrifice himself before he killed anyone, but Harry didn't take it. These people's blood was on his hands; he couldn't keep pretending to be the saviour when really all he'd done was kill people.

It was a night of thinking like this that led Harry to where he was now: in St. Mungo's with Hermione begging him to tell her why he did it.

“Harry, I just don’t understand! We won the war, everything is over, why would you do this?” Hermione became more exasperated every time she asked the question.

Harry didn’t respond again; he hadn't responded the last thirty times she asked either. She opened her mouth to speak again when the door opened and a blonde healer walked in.

“Hello Ms. Granger, we understand that you’re worried about your friend but we really must speak to Mr. Potter now. There's a waiting room or you're more than welcome to leave and get some food or coffee and come back. We may be together for a little while.” She spoke kindly, clearly attempting to make Hermione feel comfortable enough to leave. It’s a smart move; Mione never would've left him alone with a healer who seemed rude.

“Of course, take good care of him.” Hermione spared him a small, strained smile and left.

“Now that we’re alone, Mr. Potter, my name is Healer Johnson. I’d like to talk about your physical health first. When you got to us you were barely hanging on, you were barely breathing and your heart stopped once. Luckily we were able to stabilise you and remove the potion before it caused more damage. You slept here for four straight days and are now stable and mostly healed. You may experience some intense headaches and nausea for the next few days. Do you have any questions about what happened?”

Again Harry said nothing, he couldn't find anything to say. He was pretty sure that even if he could, he wouldn't be able to say it anyway. So he sat there looking at this healer who obviously only had one question on her mind. No matter how professional she tried to be, Harry could see that she wanted to know why Harry Potter had tried to take his own life.

“So while you are healed physically, it’s clear that there’s something going on with your mental health. Unfortunately your mental health can’t just be fixed with potions. To find the best course of treatment, you're going to need to answer some questions. I understand that it may be hard to speak right now so you may write your answers down if that feels more comfortable. These questions are optional but we will not be able to release you from the hospital until you answer them. I’m going to fetch a quill and parchment for you. You can think about whether you feel ready to answer the questions.”

Harry didn’t want to be rude but he really would prefer to speak to a different healer; this one was so happy and bubbly and it reminded him of Lavender Brown, the girl who may have gotten a fate worse than death. She was turned into a werewolf two weeks after the war, the ministry had managed to not catch Fenrir Greyback when rounding up Death Eaters. He found her in a small order shop while she was trying to buy milk. Her life will never be the same. Harry helped in the only way he could think of — he anonymously supplies wolfsbane potion every month through the only potioner he trusts: Severus Snape. Saying that he trusts Snape is a foreign concept but it is true.

The healer walked back in holding parchment and a nice quill. “Okay Mr. Potter, I’m sure this is very hard for you, especially with a stranger. I’ve seen Witch Weekly and understand that you don't have the best experience with witches so if you’d rather speak with a wizard write ‘yes’ and I will arrange that for you.” Harry sent a quick thanks to Merlin for giving him this easy out and quickly wrote yes on the parchment.

“Of course, I will go get another healer, I truly hope you’ll accept the help you need.” She offered him a kind smile and then walked away.

Harry was alone with his thoughts for a little while and decided he would be completely honest with the new healer; there was no reason not to be. It might be good to get his feelings off his chest.

The door opened and Ted Tonks walked in. Sweet, happy Ted Tonks, who lost his fierce and loyal daughter and has to raise his grandson. Nymphadora Tonks was one of the deaths that hit Harry the hardest. It was so unfair; she died trying to make the world a better place for her son.

“Hello Harry, I tried to get someone else to do this but they believed that someone you knew would be best. I want to start by saying that legally anything you say has to be kept confidential. The only way I can share what you tell me is if it’s in a medical context.” Ted Tonks was a man Harry looked up to; he was quite like Arthur Weasley — kind, loving but strong when protecting his family.

He quickly scribbled on the parchment, Don’t worry, Mr. Tonks, I’m glad to see you. You're a kind, honourable man and I know that even if you could share my business you wouldn’t. I’m sorry I haven’t been to see Teddy yet, it’s just so hard knowing that he ended up exactly like me; both of his parents died trying to fight for a better world. As soon as I’m feeling a bit more stable I will come and see him.

“Harry, I completely understand, please don't worry. Now unfortunately this isn’t a social visit and I must ask you a few questions, are you ready?”

Ready as I’ll ever be.

“Okay so we don’t use any truth serums for this, we just accept your word. Question one: what was on your mind when you decided to drink the dreamless sleep?”

I was thinking about the war; you see it was the day of the two-month anniversary and I was told I had to go to a party at the ministry. It was horrifying, so many people lost their lives and the ministry wanted to have a party to celebrate. I started thinking about all the people who died and how their blood was on my hands. I came to the conclusion that I don’t deserve to be here enjoying my life while they're dead.

“Before you tried to take your life, were you enjoying your life? Were you doing fun things? Seeing your friends?”

I suppose I wasn’t enjoying my life, before this I hadn’t seen anyone since the day after the battle. I was just in my house. I cleaned, I'm good at cleaning, it makes me feel useful. For the first few days after the battle all I did was clean, I didn't sleep or eat, I just cleaned. It distracted me from the nightmares. Eventually I crashed though, that was one of the worst moments of my life. Every single person who died in the war told me how useless I was and how I should've died instead. After that I just stayed in bed, I didn't get up to shower or eat. My house elf brought me food and water, I wouldn't be here without him. Did he bring me here? No one else is on the wards.

“Yes your house elf did bring you here, he was very worried. He told us all about how you don’t leave your bed and how master Harry is withering away. We tried to get his name so we could tell the papers about his quick thinking. He came to my personal home when he found out St. Mungo's blocked elf travel. We didn't before the second war but then we realised that elves could travel people so it was a safety precaution.” Ted, the loving man that he is, had pride in his eyes as though it was his own elf. “

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Once Ted left Harry's head was reeling, he’d never opened up to anyone like that before. He tended to keep his cards quite close to his chest. He might have told Ron and Hermione but they got married without even telling him. It hurt more than he could even describe, his two best friends ran off to Australia without so much of an invite.

He supposed it made sense– they love each other in a way they don’t love Harry. Trying to heal Hermione’s parents was something they should do together. It just seemed as if they finally realised they loved each other and suddenly Harry didn’t even exist to them. It took him trying to kill himself for Hermione to even bother trying to visit.

He sent a few letters while they were in Australia but the responses were always short. Eventually he gave up. Then one day he receives the daily prophet and finds out that his best friends got married. That was the day he completely gave up on Ron and Hermione. They had written a newspaper about their marriage before him.

He probably would’ve gone completely crazy if it weren't for Fred. Him and Fred had been writing a lot since Ginny’s passing. They were dealing with the same things but Fred being Fred tried to bury it in laughter. That was how their correspondence started, Fred sent Harry a letter that exploded glitter and little birds saying ‘you most likely need a laugh.’ Harry really had needed a laugh, the joke wasn't even that funny but he cackled while catching the birds that were flying around his room. After that they started opening up to each other while sending little pranks.

It was a nice routine, a safe space to just let go. Harry tended to just tell Fred the little bits though. George was having a really rough time and Fred was trying to stay strong for both of them, Harry didn;t want to add to his load by telling him about his problems.

Harry was eating his lunch when Ted came back, it was just a basic ham sandwich with a packet of crisps, he was enjoying it more than he thought he would though.

“Hello Harry, sorry for interrupting your lunch but we think we have a treatment plan for you. Are you ready to hear it or would you like to finish eating first?” Ted said with a big smile on his face.

Harry thought about reaching for the parchment but decided he needed to try to speak. He couldn't just go completely silent forever.

“It’s okay you can tell me.” He said, his voice a little scratchy. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d spoken aloud

“Of course. So isolation seems to be a big problem of yours which is understandable but not healthy. The mind healers have a safe house of sorts for people who would benefit from living with other people while not needing inpatient care. We were thinking that you could stay in one of these homes for a while and see a mind healer 3 times a week. There’s a specific home already for people who were affected by the war, it has very strict rules of confidentiality. No one would know you were there except for the people there. How does that sound?”

Harry wasn’t sure, on one hand Grimmauld Place was so empty, often it made him feel like he was the only person on the whole planet. On the other hand there would be a bunch of strangers, but Hogwarts was full of strangers and he accepted that as a safe haven.

“I suppose it could be helpful, but when I’m there I want everyone to treat me like a normal patient, not Harry Potter. You can tell everyone I’m coming before I get there that way I don't have to deal with the reactions. If possible I would also like to keep smoking. I'm happy to go outside but I don’t want to stop right now.”

“You can discuss all of this with your mind healer, you’ll be meeting with her in around ten minutes, and then as long as you still want to go you’ll be heading to Monty Hill tomorrow. I must be off now. It was good to see you even under the not great circumstances. I hope you find peace for yourself. You are always welcome to come visit Teddy, but don’t push yourself past your limits. Goodbye Harry.” Ted walked out of the room and Harry considered what it would be like to see Teddy, they do say that babies make everyone happy.

“Hello Mr. Potter, I’m Nurse Jeremy, I’m gonna bring you to your mind healer, your future appointments won't be in St. Mungos but today's one is. Are you ready?” the tall man offered his arm to Harry but he shook his head.

“I’m alright, I can walk.”

Harry and Jeremy walk in silence. It felt like they’d circled the whole hospital three times by the time they made it to the mind healers office. He knocked once and stood awkwardly waiting. A tall woman came and opened the door, she was quite pretty, she had long brown hair and hazel eyes. The features fit her face well.

“Hello Harry, come in, come in. My name's Christina and I’m the mind healer of Monty Hill. There’s beanbags we can sit on or you can choose a regular chair, whichever feels most comfortable for you.” The woman wasn’t soft spoken but it wasn't hard either, it was almost the perfect balance.

Harry walked towards the beanbag, he and the other Gryffindors used to sit on them in sixth year when studying in the room of requirement. He chose a blue one and sat down.

“The beanbags have always been my favourite, they make everything feel a bit more natural. Now the main purpose of this appointment is to just meet and tell you more about Monty Hill but if there's anything specific you’d like to talk about right now we can definitely fit it in. This is your time Harry, everything we do here is on your terms.”

“Honestly, today I’m just tired, I don't think you'll be able to get much out of me. I also really wanna know about Monty Hill. It’s an intriguing idea and I can see how it could help people.” Harry said knowing that he actually did not care about Monty Hill, he knew what adults wanted to hear and just said it.

“Of course, it's located in a small town near the seaside, there's beautiful gardens and meadows. You’ll be welcome to go to the little town whenever you like, there's shops and cafes. You are also allowed to go anywhere else but if you're leaving the village we ask that you tell one of the staff first. It’s not asking for permission, just letting us know you won't be home. There are currently 5 people staying at Monty Hill, all of whom were affected by the war in some way. I think you’ll find it easy to connect with them, they're all lovely. There’s always one staff member in the home just in case you need something. If everyone is doing something together they might join but for the most part they don't really interfere. You’ll have your own room and bathroom. The kitchen and living spaces are communal. Typically the residents take turns with who does what chores but if you feel more comfortable you can do your own thing. Okay I think that was a lot of information in one go, sorry once I start talking it's hard to get me to stop.”

Harry actually laughed at that, Hermione was always like that, especially when sharing information. It was one of Harry’s favourite traits of hers.

“I actually would like to speak about something, I haven't been able to tell anyone and it's been bothering me for a while. My two best friends, my first ever friends have been –I don't know– ignoring me I guess. They realised they liked each other and it was like suddenly I didn't even exist. I knew when we were older and had real jobs we wouldn't see each other as often but we don't even write anymore. I didn't know they got married until I read it in the Daily Prophet. I always thought I'd be Ron's best man and he didn't even tell me he got married.” Saying it out loud made Harry realise that they really had been terrible friends recently.

“I can see why that's really hard for you, have you tried explaining how you feel? Sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in a new relationship and not realise that you're abandoning your friends on the way. Of course that doesn't excuse the behaviour but explaining it to them might help them realise what they've been doing.” Christina explained, Harry had considered that they didn't realise they were doing it but made him feel worse so he decided to ignore that possibility.

“I honestly think I'd feel better if they were doing it on purpose, otherwise I'm just forgettable. They probably aren't but then at least they're still thinking of me and know I exist. I suppose that it was probably bound to happen. We've known they’ve liked each other for years now. I just thought I’d still be in the equation. I’ll figure it out, I’m friends with Fred and I’m sure I’ll be able to make more friends.” Harry hated doubting Ron and Hermione, they were his first ever friends after all.

“While I think it's good to consider that you might have grown apart with age I wouldn't write them off just yet. Hermione did come to visit you. All friends have arguments and moments where they just don't talk. After this I would understand if you didn't want them as your best friends anymore but there's still room to be friends, you can still be in each other's lives.” Christina explained, she did have a point. Harry wasn't sure if he could trust Hermione and Ron to not drop him again but they could still be friends.

“Yes I suppose that makes sense. I won't write them off just yet then. I think once I’m settled into Monty Hill I’ll send them a letter.”

“I think that's a great idea, prioritising your comfort but still having a plan. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?” Christina asked.

“That was it really. I’ll definitely talk about the decision I made but I think that's best to be saved for when I’ve had more time to process.” Harry said honestly just wanting to get away. Christina was nice and it was good to talk but she seemed to have magical powers because he hadn't even meant to tell her about anything.

“Okay so the plan is for you to go back to Grimmauld Place today, collect anything you need or want to bring, everything in your hospital room I'll be sent to the house so you can head straight there. I have a list here of things that are already at Monty Hill but feel free to bring your own items too. Then when you're finished there you’ll come back here and find Ted. He’ll have a portkey. You’ll be free to just settle in then. You’ll be seeing me again in three days time on Monday. So you have time to process what happened.” When Christina was finished talking she handed him a sheet of paper and smiled.

Harry left the room and headed to the apparation point, he wasn't sure how he felt about going back to Grimmauld, it really was a grim, old place.

When he opened the front door Kreacher was there waiting for him.

“Master Harry mustn't scare Kreacher like that again. Kreacher thought he might not be able to save him.” Kreacher ever the complainer was shouting.

“I'm really sorry Kreacher, I hadn't meant for you to find me. I’m going to be going away for a while so its your job to take care of the house for a while. I will be back but it's better for me to stay with people until I'm feeling a bit better. Don’t let anyone in, actually wait, I’m going to invite Fred Weasley to stay if he needs to, so let him in. Nobody else though.”

“Kreacher will make sure he looks after Fred. He hopes Master Harry will be feeling better soon.” Kreacher had become a lot friendlier when Harry moved in, it seemed as soon as Wallburga Black was gone he cared a lot less about blood status.

Harry headed up to his bedroom when he looked at his dresser he saw three letters all from Fred.The first one sang Christmas songs at him until he destroyed it, it was just the typical check in letter explaining how life was going. The second didn't have a prank and was asking if he was alright, Fred was worried about him. The third one Harry hadn't expected.

“Dear Harrikins,

Hermione told us about what happened, I’m so sorry. I’ve been complaining about my own problems in all my letters, not even considering the fact that I could be adding to the weight of your problems. I didn’t even know you were feeling that way. I hope you know you could've told me, I wouldn't have been mad or upset. I would've come over and kept you company. Company can really make a difference in times like those. If you’re feeling up to it I’d like to see you soon. I want you to know that you still have me as a friend, you always will. Even if you don't write to me for 2 years, you can always pick up a quill and I’ll be there. Please let me know if you need anything at all.

-All my love,
Fred Weasley”

Harry finished reading the letter and realised he was crying, it was nice to know he still had someone.

Harry quickly packed the rest of his things and left the house clinging on to the letter from Fred. Clinging on to his reason to keep going.