Archive of Our Own ^beta

A video opens, displaying what looked like Kris, wearing a bald cap drawn over with a marker. A cape with a high collar obscured some of their face, while a gaudy pair of sunglasses covered their eyes as if their bangs weren’t enough.

“We’re smoking that shit that makes the darkners real,” they start, “weed so good it spawns SAVE points in the light world. Ancient strains that’d make Gerson Boom cough, you won’t survive.

“Angel got beef with me over soul-body dichotomies—Bitch, you are me, I snort broken mirror glass so I don’t have to reflect on my actions!

“Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for a sweet sip of freedom, but I still wouldn’t help your broke ass—I got here through peace and love, motherfucker!”

A soft giggle in the background.

“Only sparing my enemies ‘cause I was bored! Angel says the word, all of you cease to exist on the metaphysical plane. God itself would kill me if it could, but it knows I’m Them, and without me it’s nothing.

“Sipping on them spam emails like it’s useful information—I know there’s hot singles in my area, I’M RIGHT HERE!”

“Last time someone fucked with the #$%# Squad, we taught a lesson in humility. Titans don’t have remorse, regret, or belief—but they still learnt to fear us like a child fears the fucking boogeyman!

“Took my father’s divorce papers to the Dark World, told Malus to fix it up, and fuse a restraining order into it! The old days are good, but he’s NOT coming through my door again!”

A cackle echoes through the space, and after a few more moments Kris also breaks out in laughter. The camera cuts into a shot of them being more composed.

“TV Time? When I poke you with the antenna, I’m jamming every signal in your fucking skull, TV Time’s UP, cunt!”

They held up their wrist, there was nothing on there.

“My ice so cold you can’t see it in the light world. Turn the light back on and the global economy crashes thrice over.

“SOUL keeps yapping about a ‘snowgrave’... Bitch, you can turn back time! I’ll snort as much coke as I want, you can bury me in it if you want it so bad!”

They reached out of frame and pulled out a cage, with a human Soul inside of it.

“Bitches think you need a soul to live, but I’m a fuckin’ demon! I’ll eat my own SOUL over a good poutine. This asshole ain’t nothing to me.”

The soul seemed to glow brighter at that, like it was laughing.

“The roaring knight calls this thing near-unstoppable, which means one of two things: Either they’re a fucking liar, or it chose to let me dome it with a hockey puck—either way, smells like bitch to me.”

The cage was thrown out of view with a loud ‘yeet!’, an adjustment of sunglasses and a plain, factual statement:

“This shit ain’t nothing to me, man! I’ll fucking kill you! Asriel’s the golden boy cause I work underground, real Gs move in silence like lasagna!”

They proceed to mimic the movement lasagna would make, were it a living being. It’s genuinely quite impressive.