Archive of Our Own ^beta

Suowei sits on the couch, heart halfway up his throat and wonders how it got this far. At what point did he decide that it was ever safe enough to give pieces of his heart to anyone? Had he not learned from Yue Yue?

To offer this kind of trust is nothing but a promise that one day you’ll bleed. Maybe the revenge he sought after—the events that feel like forever ago—was merely a distraction, in the end, from feeling like he wasn’t enough. It was easier to be angry and vengeful than sad. It was easier to come up with elaborate plots with his closest confidant rather than face his own grief at losing three years to an ex-girlfriend that never really cared.

And here he was, stupid and still hurt. Facing the same situation, having learned nothing, and feeling like nothing again. His trust bruised purple and his heart somewhere else, in Chi Cheng’s hands, being wrung out for blood.

That’s what it felt like, waiting on that couch, knowing but not wanting to know, that he was out there with Wang Shuo. He felt like each minute was stealing something from him, and he was tired.

So tired of not even being able to muster up anger. Just sadness. Just loneliness, a feeling of I miss you, sharp as a knife. The ache of not knowing if he is just as missed. Of knowing if there is someone waiting for him.

He wants to cry, but he feels too numb to do anything except sit there. Mostly, he wants to sleep where he feels safe. Where he feels like he can catch a breath. 

Slowly, coming out of his haze of thoughts and the hurt building in his chest, he opens his phone, texting the only person who would understand. The same person who offered him a home when he was nothing, who went along with his stupid plots, and who made him feel sheltered again, after being thrust into the outside world by heartbreak.

So sure that Xiaoshuai would understand, he texts without hesitation,

“I think they are together right now.”

Xiaoshuai is undoubtedly aware of exactly who he’s talking about. The text bubble appears and disappears.

”I’m sorry.” 

Suowei feels seen. Like an ache, like a wound has to be open first before healing.

The next text comes rapidly. ”Do not hurt alone, Dawei. Come home.”

His breath hitches for the first time since Chi Cheng left to chase ghosts, as if the beckoning text home is permission to feel again. As if knowing that Xiaoshuai continues to call the clinic his home gives him a tether—just to feel that he belongs somewhere. Is wanted in at least one place outside of his own childhood home. 

Suddenly, Suowei needs to be at clinic. Needs to be in his little room, safe and sequestered in his bed, the space he shares with his best-friend-teacher-confidant-someone-who-cares-who-loves-me-even-when-I’m-stupid. Scrambling up, each second he isn’t home starts to make him strained at the edges, like he won’t fit back in his own body until he’s there because it’s the only place that might make the hurt a little less. Might make his heart feel a little less like it’s giving out.

The emotions start to hit him, and his vision blurs as he texts back, “Will you be there?”

The answer is immediate, “I told you not to hurt alone. I would not leave you there without me.”

Suowei barely sees anything through the tears pooling in his eyes, desperate to be in Xiaoshuai’s soothing presence. He crams his feet into his shoes, barely stopping and leaving everything behind except his phone and wallet. Waving to a taxi, he shoves himself inside and tries to coach himself through breathing and not crying. Despite looking like a mess, he can’t bring himself to care as he carefully texts back, “I’m on my way.” 

He wonders if Xiaoshuai can read his desperation in the text, can hear how he’s near gasping for air in his struggle not to fall apart. If he can tell how grateful he is, how Xiaoshuai is holding together his pieces with something as simple and monumental as welcoming him home.

Xiaoshuai reads Suowei’s fragility in the way he doesn’t even put up a pretense of a fight to coming back to the clinic. 

His text of “I’m on the way,” gets him up and running out the door to make it to the clinic first. Barely remembering to grab the keys, he’s preoccupied with the devestation he can already imagine on Suowei’s face, like someone’s been cut open in front of him. Like he’s been cut open, down the middle. Just thinking about the thinness of his voice and how small he looks in those moments makes Xiaoshuai drive a little faster.

As he whips into the parking lot, he’s glad to see the lights are still off. He’s not sure how arriving to no one might mess with Suowei’s already fragile emotional state, having firsthand experience with having your heart shattered by someone you gave it to to keep safe. Those scars are still here. They fade, not disappear.

Quickly, he flicks the lamp on for Suowei’s room, avoiding the clinical overhead lights in favor of warmer lighting. He just gets through turning on the lamp at the front desk when he hears a car door shut. Holding his breath, he sees the front door creep open, too slow and too quiet for someone whose personality is as big as Suowei’s.

Finally, Suowei looks up, and Xiaoshuai feels his heart twist in sympathy. He looks hollow, hunching small in the crack of the door. “Xiaoshuai,” he whispers, “Why does it always hurt so much?”

“Oh, Dawei,” Xiaoshuai says, voice just pitched above a whisper as he aches for Suowei. 

Suowei is so quiet, so unlike himself, and Xiaoshuai sets aside his rising anger at Chi Cheng to cross the room and pull him into a hug.

”I’m so stupid,” Suowei whispers again.

”You aren’t,” Xiaoshuai says firmly, “He hasn’t been careful with your heart. If he can’t see the value of what you’ve given him, that’s on him, xingan.”

The endearment breaks Suowei, and the tears well out of his eyes as he says, “I want it back.” A sob hitches at the end of his voice as he curls tighter into his best friend’s arms, “Xiaoshuai, I want him to give it back.” 

Xiaoshuai tilts his head up, trying to stop his own tears from falling as he speaks, “I’d do anything to get it back for you if I could, Dawei.”

He feels the wetness on his shoulder where Suowei has buried his face to cry. “Wish it didn’t hurt this bad. Wish you didn’t have to do all this to come here to hold me while I cry.”

Xiaoshuai reads between the lines, immediately denying, “You aren’t a burden. I would hold you like this any day you asked.” He starts to nudge Suowei towards his room.

They shuffle there, slowly, barely letting go of each other. As they get to his room, Xiaoshuai carefully ushers Suowei into bed. Before he can even complain, Xiaoshuai climbs into bed too, holding him again.

Suowei thinks his arms might be the only thing holding him together. Mostly, he wishes his heart was made of something less brittle than love.

Xiaoshuai is the only one who makes him doubt it, steady as the moon around the Earth throughout his lowest. Taking care of him even when he’s hurting too. Sweetly, as Xiaoshuai reaches over him for the light, Suowei presses a kiss under his chin and then curls up on the pillow. Xiaoshuai glances down and smiles before shutting the light, cupping Suowei’s cheek in his hand with fondness as the light winks out.

Suowei leans into it before they curl against each other, taking steady comfort in each other’s presence and proximity. It’s warm and safe and Suowei feels himself soften as the hurt abates the tiniest bit.

The next morning comes, and Suowei blinks his eyes open, hazy. Xiaoshuai is next to him, ever diligent as he updates medical records on a laptop even as he sits in bed to keep Suowei close. 

Suowei is hit with a wave of fondness as he rolls over and smushes his face into his friend’s hip like a cat demanding attention. 

With great amusement in his voice, Xiaoshuai says, “Well, aren’t you sweet?”

Suowei smiles, still too small, too restrained, but Xiaoshuai counts it as a win. “Thank you,” he says quietly, “For being here. For holding me like you wouldn’t let me break.”

”I wouldn’t,” Xiaoshuai affirms. 

Suowei melts back down into the bed at the reassurance, and barely stays awake, eyes blinking slowly.

Xiaoshuai likes Suowei best like this, when he feels safe enough to wear his heart on his sleeve, to be doe-eyed and affectionate without second-guessing his actions. His eyes shine like a reflection of the moon on water when he is soft and sleepy, too agreeable about anything you might suggest. 

Rarely does Suowei show this side of himself to Xiaoshuai, let alone anyone else, but Xiaoshuai is unashamed about taking advantage of it. “You’ll talk to me about what happened last night, won’t you?”

Suowei hums, as his blinks get longer. Xiaoshuai cards a hand through his hair, which elicits a content sigh out of Suowei. He doesn’t really want to think about anything at all, especially not about last night. He’d rather stay right here, all hazy and floaty and safe from the hurt, sheltered in Xiaoshuai’s presence.

He gets poked in the cheek for his noncommittal answer. “You have to talk about it, Dawei,” Xiaoshuai insists softly.

Suowei feels his face contort.

“Your pouting is very cute,” Xiaoshuai says, “But ultimately useless.”

Suowei lets the expression drop from his face, joking demeanor gone as the melancholy sinks into his expression.

”How could I compare? Wang Shuo, his ex. Just a glimpse, and he dropped everything to run  back to him. I felt like I was worth nothing. Like I wasn’t even real anymore.”

I didn’t want to be real anymore.

Everything they had built, obliterated. All this temporary bliss, gone.

“You deserve better,” Xiaoshuai states firmly.

“It was bound to happen,” Suowei choked out, “We were too complicated. Too messy.”

”What does that make Wang Shuo then? And Chi Cheng isn’t blameless.” The glint in his eyes behind his glasses mostly give away what he thinks of Chi Cheng right now. 

Suowei falls quiet.

”Keep me safe?” He asks, vulnerable and soft.

They know both Chi Cheng and Chengyu will come looking for them at the clinic.

”That was never a question,” Xiaoshuai answers. Taking care of Suowei soothes his own heart, makes him feel wanted and needed.

Suowei relaxes back into the bed, and drifts off. Xiaoshuai works a little longer before gently closing his laptop, setting it aside in favor of a nap.

He gathers Suowei closer, who willingly rolls over. As he falls asleep, he faintly dreads when they have to go back to the real world, outside the refuge of his clinic.

The clinic is closed, but Xiaoshuai’s car is in the parking lot.

Chi Cheng feels absolutely no guilt about picking the lock, desperate to get Dabao back into his arms. 

Another car pulls in, and Chi Cheng spares only a moment to roll his eyes as Chengyu steps out. 

”How do you know yours is here?”

”Where one is, the other will follow,” he states, knowing he’s right. He doesn’t talk about arriving home and going half insane at Suowei’s absence, even drunk out of his mind. Only his inebriated condition had prevented him from going out to hunt Weiwei down when he saw the unfinished water and items strewn carelessly, like he left abruptly. Like he was running away.

Regret had punched him in the stomach as he woke up. Clear-headed, knowing he wasn’t at his mom’s, there was only one place Suowei would retreat to. 

“Why are you here?” Chi Cheng asks, pushing the door open as it clicks unlocked. 

“Xiaoshuai didn’t answer my texts from last night, and I wanted to check on him.” Chengyu shrugs, “This is especially interesting though. Why are you so rushed?”

Chi Cheng barely pays attention to him as he notices Suowei’s shoes on the floor, signifying that his guess was correct. Before Chi Cheng can rush forward, Chengyu pulls him back at the ring of a notification coming in on his phone.

Chengyu sighs, “Read it.”

Xiaoshuai wakes up hearing voices and slide of the clinic door. He looks at Suowei, still sleeping peacefully, and reaches for his phone, spiteful at the new arrivals.

”Be quiet. Both of you,” he texts to Chengyu. 

The voices taper off but he hears muffled footsteps outside of Suowei’s room. He holds Suowei tighter, who burrows closer in his sleep.

The door creaks open, and he sees two looming figures walk in. Tracking them sharply with his eyes, he doesn’t move an inch.

Let them see how close they are. Let Chi Cheng see Suowei, soft and sleepy with someone else. He had been far too comfortable with his place in Suowei’s life.

He sees the moment their eyes land on them, curled together under the covers. The widening of eyes at their ease and comfort. Despite their similar statures, Suowei fits just fine in his arms.

As Chi Cheng reaches out to touch Suowei, Xiaoshuai catches his arm by the wrist and throws it back at him. Chengyu grabs his shoulder while Xiaoshuai pulls Suowei away.

A soft noise comes from Suowei, and they all freeze. “Xiaoshuai?” He asks as his eyes blink open lethargically. He faces away from the two men, oblivious to their presence.

Chi Cheng can imagine his eyes, wide and bright, a full moon reflected back at you as he speaks. He can see the softness and warmth lining his body, the gentleness Chi Cheng has just started to become familiar with when Suowei isn’t being dramatic and helplessly charming. The jealousy digs into his brain behind his eyes, just as he knows the doctor wants. He doesn’t want anyone else to know this part of Dabao, itching to rip him away from Xiaoshuai.

“Right here,” Xiaoshuai replies. Making his displeasure with Chi Cheng known, he tugs Suowei close. He can’t help but soften as Suowei stays pliant, easily going with his tug and digging his face into his shoulder.

Suowei fumbles for Xiaoshuai’s hands and locks their pinkies together before letting go, muttering, “We stick together forever, okay?” His eyes flutter shut again.

”So sweet, Weiwei,” Xiaoshuai says, pressing a kiss into his hair as he makes eye contact with both Chi Cheng and  Chengyu, jealousy written over Chi Cheng’s face. Chengyu looks mostly endeared by him, though Xiaoshuai can’t tell if it’s because he’s taking care of Suowei or because he’s intentionally antagonizing Chi Cheng.

Chengyu is the kind of guy who would find both endearing and attractive, and probably the second one more so. Unfortunately for Chengyu, Dawei is his first priority.

”Weiwei? A little close for friends, don’t you think?” Chi Cheng’s voice is just a little tight. 

Suowei startles dramatically, hiding his face against Xiaoshuai’s shoulder. Meanwhile, the doctor doesn’t miss a beat as he rolls his eyes, “I have plenty of nicknames for Dawei, you don’t own any of them. I’ve certainly known him longer than you.”

The only thing stopping Suowei from total panic is the sleepiness he’s still shaking off after waking up. 

“Dabao, come here,” Chi Cheng says, sounding like a demand.

“Weiwei, you don’t have to do any of that. You can come with Gege and I.”

Chengyu looks like he has been struck with a bolt of lightning as he is called Gege for the first time by Xiaoshuai. He is not mad at Xiaoshuai for pulling him into this scheme, mostly because he’s really starting to benefit from the lengths that the doctor is willing to go to rile up Chi Cheng. Xiaoshuai really drives it home to Chi Cheng that he isn’t as important as he thinks.

Still sleep soft, Suowei doesn’t think of it much as Xiaoshuai requests, “Why don’t you call him Gege, just this one time.” 

Suowei would do just about anything for Xiaoshuai, if he asked him to. The doctor knows stuff about him he’s never told anyone, and their friendship is the largest blessing he has. “Chengyu? Gege?” He mutters faintly.

Chengyu and Xiaoshuai can nearly hear Chi Cheng explode in jealousy as his fists clench.

”Dabao, I’m sorry. I was stupid last night, please come home. I missed you.” Chi Cheng’s voice is strained, and although still jealous, Xiaoshuai sees that he is genuine in what he says. 

Very small, Suowei whispers, “I don’t know if I can trust that you actually want me right now.”

Chi Cheng can’t help but reach out again, and this time, Xiaoshuai doesn’t fight him as he pulls Dabao up and out of the bed into his arms. “No, no, you can’t think that, Weiwei. I’m yours, like you’re mine.”

Suowei doesn’t protest the hug, but he stays doll-like and hollow. Chi Cheng doesn’t realize how much life is in his mannerisms until Suowei’s body is limp and lifeless, like he’s letting go.

Or giving up. Resigned to being second-best. Only a moment meant to end.

”Please, Weiwei,” Chi Cheng cups his face, and meets empty eyes, “I’d choose you every time. He doesn’t matter, it was a mistake. If I could turn back time, I never would have gone. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

”But you did go,” Suowei says, eyes starting to well with tears, “You left, and I waited, and you didn’t come back.”

You weren’t there.

It hits Chi Cheng how big of a mistake he’s made. How much he has hurt his Dabao.

He’s frozen as Dabao turns in his arms, reaching for Xiaoshuai, and slipping back under the covers. The doctor stares back at him, now less angry and more solemn.

”I’ll take care of you, Dawei. You just have to rest.” Suowei nods, face buried in blankets.

Guo Chengyu raises his eyebrow at Chi Cheng. He tilts his head at the door, and Chi Cheng drifts out, almost listlessly as he starts to think about how to convince Suowei that he is loved and wanted. How to convey he might just lose his mind without his Dabao.

”Chengyu!” Xiaoshuai calls out as they walk out, “I wasn’t joking! You know where I like to eat. And Weiwei is coming with.”

Chengyu smiles, just a bit. “Alright,” knowing he’s won over the doctor a bit, and wanting to prove that he can care for not just Xiaoshuai, but also his loved ones. It’s becoming abundantly clear how deep the bond is between Xiaoshuai and Suowei.

”Suowei…I didn’t know he could be sweet like that. They’re always scheming together,  I never see them when they’re resting.” Chengyu comments, almost sensing the frustration Chi Cheng is experiencing.

“He’s like that when he feels safe.” Suddenly serious, Chi Cheng finishes, “I’ve never seen him that way with anyone else. You have seen a gift.”

Chengyu reflects the shift in tone, promising, “I wouldn’t hurt him.”

”I know,” he rolls his shoulders, “Xiaoshuai wouldn’t let you.”

He walks out of the clinic alone, feeling the missing presence of Suowei like a hole in his chest, and mostly counts his blessings that his Dabao is loved.

(What a gift, to love someone who makes you want to be better.)