Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Hyunjin oppa!” 

Hyunjin turns around to greet one of the girls a year below him who is approaching him after his soccer practice. “Hey, Sibom. What's up?”

“I take it that you're going to the hangout at Chan oppa's before the exams, too,” she begins, and Hyunjin nods, humming to confirm. She looks giddy for some reason. “I was wondering… Would you want to go together, maybe?”

“Uhm…” Hyunjin already opens his mouth, wanting to answer, but then he realizes what she means and he flushes. “Oh— Wait, you mean as in a date sort of? Ah, I'm taken! Sorry.”

“Oh! You're taken! I'm so sorry, I didn't know!” she awkwardly replies, waving her hands around, and Hyunjin chuckles dryly. “Can I ask who the lucky person is?”

“It’s Seungminnie,” Hyunjin answers proudly, and Sibom huffs, looking like she isn't too surprised. She shouldn't be, because Hyunjin had been pining after Seungmin for a long time before mustering up the courage to confess, and he feels like everyone at least knew about his crush on his friend. 

“Well, congrats, uhm, sorry for the bother.”

Before Hyunjin can even properly assure her that it's fine, she scurries off and finds her friends, and he can overhear them talking. 

“What were you doing, Sibom?” 

“I made such a blunder! I wanted to ask Hyunjin to the hangout but he's taken!” 

“You didn't hear that he confessed to his friend with this super romantic poem?” 

“I heard vague rumors but I didn't know they got together! It felt like nothing changed so I just thought I could go for it!” 

“I mean, fair enough. Seungmin oppa is like the opposite of Hyunjin oppa. I'd never have expected a romantic like him would date someone so… not romantic? Despite his obvious crush. I don't see it from Seungmin oppa's side to be honest.” 

“I know right…”

The girls walk out of hearing range, leaving Hyunjin surprised, confused, and a little offended. They knew about his crush and some knew about his confession, but they don't seem to really support the relationship or see it from Seungmin’s side. It could very well just be jealousy, but it does make some thoughts resurface that have been swimming around in Hyunjin’s mind for a while. 

He managed to push them down for the most part, but they're pretty pesky and Hyunjin is prone to overthinking, so they somehow always know how to force their way back. 

Do people think Seungmin isn't the right fit for me? He wonders. He can understand why it's more obvious from Hyunjin’s side than from Seungmin’s side: he talks about Seungmin more, he's more affectionate, he was the one to confess, the one who had the obvious crush before they got together… 

Hmm. 

He knows that he shows his infatuation more outwardly than Seungmin does, but now that he thinks about it, it's more so than he realized. Seungmin hasn't really done something romantic for him like the poem Hyunjin has written and the painting he made for Seungmin’s birthday, though that was before they got together. 

Now they haven't been together for that long, their hundredth day is coming up, but still, it feels like there's a pretty large gap in affection Hyunjin gives Seungmin compared to the other way around. Hyunjin wonders if he’s overthinking as he does, or if the girls really have a point and Seungmin just… maybe doesn't like Hyunjin as much as Hyunjin likes him. 

The mere thought makes Hyunjin’s heart sink and worry immediately fills his chest. Surely this isn't true, and Seungmin wouldn't have accepted his confession if he didn't like Hyunjin back, but— that doesn't mean that Seungmin likes him as much as Hyunjin likes him…

“Boo!” 

Hyunjin shrieks when he feels a pair of hands on his shoulders and he turns around to see Seungmin laughing victoriously. Normally he'd laugh with him and find his boyfriend adorable, but Hyunjin can only chuckle, still half stuck in his head. 

“Sorry, it's just so much fun to scare you!” Seungmin giggles, and now Hyunjin can't help but be fond, so he wants to move to hug his boyfriend and greet him with a kiss, but Seungmin tenses and stops him. “Uh— Shower first, you sweaty ferret! You know the rules.”

Hyunjin snorts and pulls back, unable to ignore a small spark of disappointment in his chest. He knows that Seungmin is more than allowed to not want to hug him after a soccer practice, but he can't help that it stings. “I know, I know. I'll be back in a bit.”

Hyunjin showers quickly before he returns and finds Seungmin waiting for him as always. It's sweet of him, but he already always did so before they got together, so Hyunjin doesn't know if it means anything romantic. He doesn't know what to think, but he doesn't think his mind will settle down if he doesn't confirm whether Seungmin really is that much less affectionate as Hyunjin remembers, so he decides to start paying more attention to Seungmin’s actions from now on. 

“Hey, Seungminnie, thanks for coming to pick me up.” Hyunjin kisses Seungmin’s cheek, and Seungmin doesn’t kiss him back but he does grab his hand to walk back to the dorm. 

“Of course.” Seungmin shrugs as if it isn't a big deal, and Hyunjin doesn't know if that's a good or a bad thing. His brain is working overtime, so he just shakes his head and tries to not worry too much right now. He isn't going to find out anything today, but maybe the hangout at Chan's will be a good opportunity for it. 

“You know what happened today?” Hyunjin begins, and Seungmin hums. “Sibom tried to sort of ask me out to Chan hyung's hangout.”

Seungmin snorts. “Pfft— Really? I mean, I guess not everyone has to know about us, but if she liked you it's surprising that she didn't know that you're taken.”

“Yeah. She heard some rumors but I guess she didn't want to believe them.” Hyunjin doesn't want to share what they said about their relationship, because he doesn’t want Seungmin to change his behavior because of others or anything. He wants Seungmin to be affectionate because he likes Hyunjin, and he wants to see how Seungmin normally acts, from his own initiatives. “But I told her that I'm taken and she apologized.”

“Odd, but good that she apologized. Don’t feel bad about it, yeah? These things happen.”

“I’ll try,” Hyunjin sighs, though he feels worse about what Sibom and her friends said after her asking him out than the asking out itself. He leans a part of his weight on Seungmin’s shoulder as they walk to their dorms. 

They don’t share a room, but sometimes their roommates are willing to switch to let the two of them stay together for the night. They’ve only done it a few times, but Hyunjin hopes that it’ll slowly become a more common occurrence. 

“So… Will you pick me up for the hangout tomorrow?” Hyunjin asks, and Seungmin grins. 

“Yes, I’ll make sure that you won’t get lost on the way to Chan’s,” he teases, and Hyunjin laughs, pushing at Seungmin’s shoulder. He loves Seungmin’s mischievous side, but Hyunjin can’t help but think that it’s not really… romantic. 

Sibom might be right that not much seems to have changed since they’ve become boyfriends on top of being friends, but Hyunjin reminds himself that today is a regular day and maybe Seungmin simply doesn’t see any reason to act any differently than they usually do. They still have the hangout tomorrow, and their hundredth day is coming up, so there is enough opportunity to see how affectionate Seungmin actually is with him when there are reasons for him to be so. 

“You’re ever the gentleman,” Hyunjin exaggerates, making Seungmin laugh too. He then kisses his boyfriend’s cheek. “I’d love you to stay, but Lixie wanted a Tekken rematch before the exam season, so…” 

“Ah, I see he’s in the mood to lose again?” Seungmin jokes, raising his voice enough so that Felix can hear it, and he yells some noise through the door, making them snicker. “Have fun, and see you tomorrow, then!” 

“See you tomorrow, Seungminnie.” Hyunjin leans in to peck Seungmin’s lips, which his boyfriend accepts before they part ways. 

And maybe Hyunjin is distracted throughout the game with his roommate, but he manages to blame it on a long day of lectures and soccer practice. It’s not unusual for Seungmin to be on Hyunjin’s mind, but the last time thoughts about Seungmin made him feel worried was when he wanted to confess and wondered if Seungmin would like him back. He guesses that this feeling is similar in that he worries how much Seungmin likes him, and he hopes that Seungmin will show him that there’s nothing to worry about. 

1. 

After a night of sleeping and not trying to overthink, Hyunjin feels a bit better. He manages to get started on studying and getting some homework done before the hangout at Chan’s, and he’s excited for Seungmin to pick him up. It’s nothing special, but Hyunjin will take any opportunity to indulge and make everything a little bit more romantic. 

Felix has done a little bit of his makeup even though the hangout isn’t a proper party because exam season is coming up, but they both enjoy looking good, and Hyunjin hopes that Seungmin will notice and comment on it, too. 

His heart skips a beat when there’s a knock on the door, and Hyunjin rushes to open it, but his smile falters a little when he sees both Seungmin and Jeongin, Seungmin’s roommate. He should have expected it since they’re all going to Chan’s hangout, and it’s not like Felix isn’t literally standing behind him, ready to go, but that doesn’t mean that Hyunjin isn’t a little disappointed. It's his own fault for expecting that they'd go with the two of them when that just isn't realistic. 

He barely even notices Seungmin looking at him a little distractedly before he smoothes his expression and speaks, “The two who definitely don’t need to dress up dressed up as always, I see.” 

Hyunjin huffs and shows off his outfits and makeup. “We did! Does it look good?” 

“That goes without saying,” Seungmin replies with a smile, and Hyunjin knows that it’s a compliment and that Seungmin means it, but he would like it if Seungmin would keep telling him, even if it’s obvious. He'd like it to go with saying. “Anyway, let’s go?” 

Hyunjin hums and follows, not noticing the way Seungmin holds his hand open for Hyunjin to take and their fingers brush, but when Hyunjin doesn’t react because he’s distracted, Seungmin lets his hand fall back to his side. They talk about classes and exams on the way to Chan’s place, and when they arrive, they get a drink and find some friends to sit and hang with. 

Hyunjin leans his head on Seungmin’s shoulder as they listen to the conversation in the group. 

“Minho hyung says that he isn’t romantic, but he is,” Jisung tells them after sharing an anecdote about the time he found out that Minho likes spicy food but doesn’t eat it with him because he knows that Jisung can’t handle spice and he wants to share. It tugs at Hyunjin’s heart to hear such a romantic gesture, and he tries to think of whether Seungmin has ever done something similar, but Changbin’s loud voice distracts him. 

“Yeah, he is. In an odd way, but he still is,” Changbin agrees with Jisung. “You have no idea how much he talks about you. It sometimes drives me insane, but it’s also kind of romantic.” 

“He does?” Jisung wonders, his eyes big, and Hyunjin can tell that he’s touched. It’s sweet, but Hyunjin can’t help but feel bittersweet. Would Seungmin talk about me all the time, too? he wonders, but he can’t really imagine Seungmin doing so, and he does know that Minho does. 

“Oh I know the feeling, hyung,” Felix adds, looking at Hyunjin, who blushes. “When this guy starts talking about Seungmin, he will go on for hours!” 

The group laughs and Hyunjin and Seungmin are a bit shy, but Hyunjin is glad that Felix shares it too. Seungmin deserves to know how much Hyunjin talks about him, how much he likes him. 

“Gosh, that makes me glad that Seungmin isn’t a man of many words in that aspect,” Jeongin groans half jokingly, and Hyunjin’s stomach churns in disappointment. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you all, but I don’t need to know every detail.” 

“I do, so we got the right roommate!” Felix says, and everyone laughs again— well, except for Hyunjin. 

It’s true that Seungmin isn’t the type to talk a lot about those things, but Hyunjin now starts wondering why. Does he not think that it’s worth sharing? Hyunjin always wants to scream from the rooftops about everything and everyone he loves, he wants to praise and gush about everyone he loves until people get sick of him, and the more he loves someone, the more he wants to do so. Seungmin doesn't seem to be like that— or does he simply not love Hyunjin as much as Hyunjin loves him?

“Oh, I’d love to compare notes about which couple is less insufferable, Lixie and Innie,” Changbin jokes. “I vote that Hyunjinnie and Seungminnie are less insufferable. You don’t want to know what I go through when Jisungie comes over. Or sometimes even when Jisung isn't over.” 

“I don’t even want to test that. I’ll agree with you,” Jeongin says with an exaggerated grimace. “Seungminnie and Hyunjinnie are gross too, but they are capable of being in the same room as someone else.” 

Hyunjin snorts and maybe he should be happy that they’re ‘winning’ this silly competition but maybe it makes Hyunjin feel less like they’re a proper couple compared to Minho and Jisung. He knows that it’s not true, but it is true that they’re not that openly affectionate and that fact is mostly because of Seungmin. 

They decide to play a game, so Hyunjin hopes that it can distract him from these thoughts. It's a jenga game with dares and challenges, and that always makes Hyunjin laugh. Seungmin always makes Hyunjin laugh too, with his sneaky yet purposely obvious attempts to cheat and bring chaos into the game. Even when Hyunjin is in his head about things, about Seungmin, Seungmin manages to make him laugh. It cheers him up, but he also feels a tad bittersweet. 

Especially when it's Seungmin’s turn and he has to say what his favorite thing is about the person sitting left of him, which is Hyunjin. Hyunjin, who had already removed his head from Seungmin’s shoulder, sits upright and tries to act cool and not show his anticipation. 

“Hmmm. I like the way his butt looks in the pants he always wears during dance performances the most,” Seungmin answers with a cheeky smile, and Hyunjin barks out a surprised laugh. 

“Gosh, this guy is incapable of being serious about anything, huh?” Changbin accuses with a laugh, and Hyunjin curls his fingers around the hem of his shirt, trying to stay lighthearted and not get lost in overthinking the implications of Changbin’s words or Seungmin’s answer. 

Seungmin is just joking because they're playing a game and he is more than capable of being serious about a lot of things, Hyunjin reminds himself, but he'd love to see that again, too. He forces a smile and grabs a jenga block for himself, but he's not paying attention, so he knocks the tower over. 

Everyone chants for him to drink, which is honestly kind of what he needs right now, so he downs a shot before they start another round. Hyunjin by now knows that he shouldn't expect Seungmin to go out of his way to declare his love for Hyunjin in front of everyone like Hyunjin would be more than ready to do, so he should just lower his expectations, at least for the rest of the night. 

“You look tired, Hyunie,” Seungmin whispers after the second round of the game, and Hyunjin shrugs. 

“I'm a bit tired, yeah.” He's mostly tired of overthinking, so technically it's not a lie. 

“It’s coming closer to my bedtime too, so do you want to go back?” Seungmin suggests with a little chuckle. He doesn't seem to be too tired, but Hyunjin knows that he likes getting enough sleep, especially to prepare for the exam season. 

“Yeah, let's go,” Hyunjin replies, and Seungmin announces it to their friends. Jeongin tells them that he will join them and go back to the dorms too. 

Hyunjin links his arm with Seungmin’s and leans his weight on him as they walk back in silence save for a few comments reminiscing about the game and funny moments. 

When they reach Seungmin and Jeongin’s dorm room, Hyunjin doesn't feel like being alone just yet, so he doesn't let go of Seungmin’s arm. 

“Hyunie, we're here. Are you still awake?” Seungmin asks softly with a laugh. 

“Don't wanna let go,” Hyunjin mutters, and Seungmin chuckles. 

“Okay, I'll drop you off.” Now Seungmin seems to understand what Hyunjin wants, though it's probably obvious. He's tipsy and tired and up in his head about everything. 

“You'll have to open your own door, Hyunie,” Seungmin tells him when they're at his dorm, so Hyunjin pulls himself upright and looks at Seungmin after unlocking his door, hoping for a goodnight kiss. Seungmin pauses and tilts his head. “What's… What's up?”

Hyunjin does his best not to look disappointed. “Goodnight kiss?”

“Ah— of course.” Seungmin smiles and leans in to kiss Hyunjin’s lips, finally. Hyunjin melts and kisses back, indulging in it for as long as he can, since they don't kiss that often with all their classes and exams coming up. 

Seungmin is the one to pull back first, gently stopping Hyunjin from chasing his lips. “Let’s go to bed before you fall asleep kissing me in the dorm halls.”

Hyunjin pouts a little and Seungmin chuckles. Gosh, Hyunjin can't deny that he loves it when Seungmin smiles or laughs or giggles or chuckles or jokes… He's undoubtedly in love, and he wants to know if Seungmin feels the same, because right now he isn't feeling it. “Alright, good night, Seungminnie.”

“Sleep well, Hyunjinnie.”

2.

Hyunjin feels like a wet sack when he wakes up and remembers everything that happened at the hangout and how it made him feel. At least Seungmin did walk him back and did kiss him, but only after Hyunjin asked for it. Hyunjin wants to know what Seungmin would do of his own volition, without Hyunjin asking for anything. 

So that is exactly what he will try to do, not ask for anything and see what happens. Maybe it's stupid, but Hyunjin feels like he won't be able to see Seungmin’s own personal feelings if he only does whatever Hyunjin wants him to do, if Hyunjin is only ever the first to initiate anything. Sure, part of it Seungmin might do because he wants it too, but Hyunjin doesn't want their relationship to be one-sided. 

He will need to have patience because classes and upcoming exams are a valid reason for Seungmin to have other things on his mind, but Hyunjin hopes that he will be able to make some time for Hyunjin between everything. Hyunjin would for him. 

A few days pass by where Hyunjin holds himself back as much as possible from being affectionate or texting or asking for anything. They text about a few things regarding their overlapping classes or Seungmin texts him about baseball games he's watching, but not much else aside from the occasional good night and good morning text. 

It doesn't help Hyunjin feel better at all, and he wants Seungmin to notice his silent cry for a sign that Seungmin loves him as much as he loves him. But it doesn't come. 

After a week passes since the hangout, which includes one whole weekend without much coming from Seungmin’s side except for the usual, Hyunjin is getting a little sad and desperate, and he craves Seungmin’s presence and company again. Fortunately for him, Seungmin approaches him first, and like the dumb lovestruck fool he is, he gets his hopes up. 

“Hyunie! It feels like I've barely been able to catch you these days,” Seungmin says one day after class. Hyunjin presses his lips together, feeling a little guilty for not having reached out much, but glad that Seungmin noticed the change at the very least. “Do you have time to study together this week? We could study together for our overlapping classes or just hangout while focusing on others, I don't mind anything.”

Hyunjin sighs and smiles tentatively. It's not what he hoped it would be, but he thinks he should just give up this experiment where he limits himself toward Seungmin. They have exams to focus on and maybe Seungmin doesn’t love him as much as he loves Seungmin but maybe he should just take whatever Seungmin does want to give him, which is studying together. 

“Yeah, I'd like that,” Hyunjin replies, and Seungmin smiles. Hyunjin can't help but swoon, and if he's honest, he hasn't been focusing on studying as much as he should have because Seungmin keeps being on his mind, so a studying session with Seungmin sounds good, even if it’s not the romantic date or gesture he would want. “I don’t have anything else planned other than classes and studying today and the rest of the week.”

“Great, me neither! Let's go to my dorm? Jeongin won't mind,” Seungmin tells him, and Hyunjin chuckles, unsure if Seungmin means that he already asked Jeongin or not, but Seungmin looks sure enough that his roommate won't mind, so he'll take it. 

Hyunjin wonders if Seungmin will comment on his behavior of the past week more than his one comment about not being able to catch him, but he only asks for which classes Hyunjin has already studied and how much. Hyunjin thinks he should maybe stop getting his hopes up, but maybe, just maybe, Seungmin will do something special for their hundredth day anniversary together and it will show how much he loves Hyunjin. So, since Seungmin seems to only want to focus on studying right now, Hyunjin guesses that he’ll do the same.

They actually get a lot done and have a simple dinner together of ramyeon and instant rice, so it’s a nice hangout as it always is with Seungmin, but it’s not anything special. It’s as they did before they got together, and while there’s nothing wrong with that, Hyunjin would like to be reminded that they’re dating more often than only when they’re kissing or holding hands once in a while. 

And just when they get to the point that they’re too tired to study more and Seungmin suggests watching an episode of a drama together before going to bed, Jeongin returns to the dorm, and Hyunjin knows that even if there was a chance that Seungmin would be extra affectionate or initiate kissing as they watch the drama, that chance would be gone now. He knows that from the hangout. 

Seungmin does let Hyunjin cuddle up next to him, but they simply watch the episode in silence aside from a few comments on what’s happening in the drama. After that, Seungmin suggests wrapping up but doing more study sessions this week so they can be well prepared for the exams. 

“Good idea,” Hyunjin replies. He should probably keep his expectations low until their hundredth day anniversary, because maybe he's just being unrealistic by wanting them to have romantic moments between studying, but maybe it's really Seungmin… He doesn’t know, and it's slowly driving him insane. 

“Hyunjin?” Seungmin pulls him out of his thoughts, and he notices that he spaced out at the door. “Oh, your good night kiss— of course.”

Seungmin leans in to peck Hyunjin’s lips, and Hyunjin prolongs it a little bit by kissing back, but he can't deny that he's a bit tired, so they soon part again. It's a small comfort that Seungmin remembers the good night kiss, but Hyunjin still sees it as mostly Seungmin doing what Hyunjin wants him to do. 

“Good night. We're going to do great on the exams,” Seungmin tells him. He seems to have the exams more on his mind than them hanging out, more than their relationship. 

“Good night, Seungminnie.”

Hyunjin sighs and deflates on his bed when he's back in his room, and Felix seems to notice his mood, because he comes to check on him. Hyunjin wishes that Seungmin would do that. 

“Everything alright?” his roommate asks. 

“Yeah, just exams and all,” Hyunjin lies. He hates lying, especially to his friends, but he doesn't feel like opening this can of worms right now. Felix would probably tell him that Seungmin does love him, but would he be able to give the reasons why he knows that? Probably not, and Hyunjin wants to see or hear it from Seungmin himself. 

Felix takes the answer and asks Hyunjin to tell him if he needs anything before he leaves him alone to wallow in overthinking and nerves for their anniversary. His exams are usually a source of nerves as well, but right now he can't get himself to care much. He should focus on it until their anniversary comes around and make sure he can pass the exams before and after, but it's difficult when he's worrying about his relationship. 

3.

The first two exams go well because of his study sessions with Seungmin — those have always helped Hyunjin a lot — so he thinks he’ll pass them just fine, but what he really wants is for his relationship with Seungmin to pass this test coming up: their hundredth day anniversary. They haven’t planned anything beforehand because it’s in the middle of exam season, but at least it’s not on the day of an exam, so Hyunjin has time to buy a bouquet of flowers in the morning. 

He picks the bouquet carefully, already having thought of what he wanted to buy beforehand, and between studying he has written a little poem where he compares Seungmin to the flowers he chose to accompany the bouquet and as a nod to his confession as well. Hyunjin is all too giddy to give it to Seungmin, as a gesture of love, to show Seungmin how he’s feeling after these hundred days of dating, still head over heels in love. 

Every day he falls a little more, and he thinks that the fact that he worries whether Seungmin loves him as much as he loves Seungmin is a sign that he really loves him. He wants their relationship to be successful, because he loves Seungmin, because Seungmin is a comforting presence, someone who makes him laugh, someone who will treat Hyunjin’s problems like they’re his own, someone who inspires him and helps him grow as a person even if Seungmin might not even be aware of it himself. 

Hyunjin sighs as anxiety mixes with his giddy anticipation. Seungmin, please pull through. Please give me a sign today, he wishes, which is when his phone vibrates. Hyunjin quickly fishes it out of his pocket with one hand, the other carrying the bouquet he just bought. 

Seungminnie<3: Good morning slash almost afternoon Hyunjinnie<3

Seungminnie<3: I kicked Jeongin out for the day >:)

Seungminnie<3: Aka do you want to come over?

Hyunjin snorts and a spark of hope ignites in his heart that Seungmin has something special prepared for him, too. He texts back that he will be there in about thirty minutes, so he has some time to get ready and make sure he looks like he put a little bit of effort into his looks. 

He double checks everything — the bouquet, the poem, the way he looks — before he leaves for Seungmin’s room, hiding the flowers behind his back. He knocks on the door and waits for his boyfriend with his heart in his throat. He hasn’t been this nervous since confessing, and, okay, maybe confessing was a bit scarier, but he’s still nervous and afraid of disappointment. He is bad at keeping his hopes down, because he just loves Seungmin so much, he wants that to be reciprocated. 

When Seungmin opens the door, he seems to immediately notice that Hyunjin has something for him, and his eyes widen. In the back of his mind, Hyunjin notices that Seungmin didn’t put any extra effort in the way he looks, though he always looks fine and polished anyway. 

“Hyunjin— hey,” Seungmin greets him a little distractedly, probably curious what Hyunjin is holding. 

“Hey, Minnie. Uhm, happy hundredth day anniversary,” he tells him softly before revealing the bouquet with the poem attached and handing it to his boyfriend. Seungmin’s mouth hangs open as he accepts it and he seems to malfunction slightly, especially when he sees and reads the poem. He looks touched, swallowing thickly and blinking a few times more than normally, and Hyunjin holds his breath as he watches and waits. 

“You– Oh wow, this— this is really sweet, Hyunjin,” Seungmin stammers, his cheeks dusted with a rosy blush. “I– I don’t know what to say. Thank you.” 

“I’m happy you like it,” Hyunjin whispers. “I even set my alarm to make sure I’d have time to buy the flowers and we could still have enough time in the day for other things.” 

Seungmin’s eyes glimmer and Hyunjin can tell that he’s touched by the effort Hyunjin put into it, but then Seungmin’s expression slowly falls and he looks down. “You really put a lot of thought into it, wow. Uhm, I– I didn’t really plan anything in particular or have any gifts for you, I’m sorry.” 

There it is. 

The exact thing that Hyunjin was dreading happened. Seungmin didn’t plan anything, didn’t buy anything or make anything to give him like Hyunjin did for Seungmin. Everything was supposed to come together today and Seungmin was supposed to prove that he loves Hyunjin just as much as Hyunjin loves him. But he didn’t.

“Did you forget?” Hyunjin asks softly, trying to keep his voice steady. Maybe Seungmin was caught up in the exam season and it slipped his mind, though that wouldn’t necessarily make Hyunjin feel much better, since he has put reminders on his phone of all their upcoming anniversaries. 

“I— I didn’t. I just didn’t know what the day would look like since it’s in the middle of exam season,” Seungmin explains, his hands fidgeting with the bouquet wrapping. “I just thought, you know, I’ll just kick Jeongin out and we can spend the day together and see what we want to do since we might be tired from the exams. We could order dinner together, play games, or maybe go out for coffee and lunch. Whatever you’re feeling like.” 

Hyunjin doesn’t understand. Well— He does, but he doesn’t know if Seungmin is doing all this because he wants to keep Hyunjin happy or because he genuinely feels bad or something else. He doesn’t understand what Seungmin wants. It makes his head hurt. 

“We can just play some games and continue the drama, that’s fine,” Hyunjin replies, trying to pull through and keep his spirits up. Usually he is one to do things spontaneously and not plan anything, but that is when he’s by himself, and right now he doesn’t really feel like going out if it’s only in an attempt to repay Hyunjin for the flowers. Seungmin is usually the one to plan things, but maybe that’s also only when he’s by himself, or when it’s about studying. 

“Are you sure?” Seungmin asks him softly, his eyebrows furrowed in what seems like guilt.

Hyunjin suppresses a sigh and nods. He doesn’t want to ruin their anniversary by arguing about Seungmin not having planned anything for it. Even if Seungmin might not love him as much as Hyunjin loves him, if there is any chance that they can make this right or if there’s any chance that Hyunjin is wrong about this and he’s simply overthinking and being dramatic about everything, Hyunjin wants to make the best of this anniversary or at least not argue. Also if it’s simply to make the best of the relationship while it lasts.

So, he doesn’t want to talk about these insecurities that have been plaguing him today. Hopefully Seungmin can distract him from it, even if he’s the cause of his worries. “Yeah, I’m sure.” 

“Alright, I’ll just order some lunch and some coffee,” Seungmin tells him with a small smile. The air between them is tense, and Hyunjin doesn’t like it, but it’s not the right time to talk, and hopefully it will be better as the day goes on. “Do you want to set up the drama or the game? You can choose.”

Hyunjin hums and picks playing a game first, hoping it will break some of the tension and it won’t make him go insane with jealousy while watching the drama. He sets it up while Seungmin orders their lunch and coffee, and he is so focused on setting up the games that he startles a little when Seungmin puts his hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder and kisses his cheek. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you,” Seungmin whispers with a dry chuckle. “Thank you for setting up the game.”

“No problem,” Hyunjin replies, glad that Seungmin seems to be trying to make up for not planning anything by being a little sweeter and more affectionate, but still, Hyunjin wants Seungmin to do it from his own initiative, not only because Hyunjin is upset.

As they play the game together, the tension between them slowly recedes to the background, and after eating their lunch and drinking their iced americanos, Seungmin tries out cracking a few jokes. First, Hyunjin only chuckles, but slowly but surely his laughter becomes louder and more genuine, and Seungmin joins him in laughing. 

It’s nice, as it always is with Seungmin when Hyunjin isn't overthinking everything, but it's not necessarily romantic. Maybe watching the drama will change the atmosphere to something more romantic, but by now Hyunjin knows not to get his hopes up, so he tries to focus on simply enjoying spending a relaxing day with Seungmin and deal with the insecurities plaguing his mind later. 

Seungmin grabs some snacks and they huddle together to watch the drama, Hyunjin trying to turn his brain off and just enjoy the series, but it’s difficult when the main relationship in the show is exactly what Hyunjin is craving: romantic words whispered between kisses, romantic gestures to surprise the other, gushing about their partner to others… 

They also order dinner together, and Seungmin orders from Hyunjin’s favorite place, which is sweet. Seungmin is sweet to him, he has always been, especially when he knows that Hyunjin isn’t feeling a hundred percent. Seungmin cares for him, Hyunjin knows that all too well, but then why is he still not convinced that Seungmin loves him as much as Hyunjin loves him? At least not in the way Hyunjin does. Is he overthinking everything and being dramatic or does he actually have a point? Those same thoughts keep repeating and repeating and he can't get out of that loop until Seungmin shows him some sign. 

Usually Seungmin tells him that he should talk to someone when he’s overthinking because sometimes he is overthinking and sometimes he actually has a good point, but Hyunjin is scared to talk about this sensitive topic. He doesn’t want to accuse Seungmin of not being enough because he is more than enough for Hyunjin, Hyunjin just needs some kind of reminder or assurance that Seungmin loves him, or a reason why Seungmin isn’t as affectionate— or anything else to show his love. 

“Are you still watching?” Seungmin pulls Hyunjin from his thoughts and snickers softly as he watches Hyunjin come back to reality. Seungmin pokes his cheek. “What’s got you thinking, Hyunie?” 

“Ah… Nothing much,” Hyunjin lies, and Seungmin’s smile falters. He can always tell whenever Hyunjin is lying, and Hyunjin avoids Seungmin’s gaze when the latter raises an eyebrow. 

“Hyunjin…” Seungmin mutters, grabbing onto Hyunjin’s hands, and Hyunjin feels bad for not opening up, but not only does he not want to ruin their anniversary, Seungmin has an exam tomorrow. “Are you not having fun?”

“No— I am, this is nice, really,” Hyunjin assures him with a half hearted smile. It is nice, it's just not what he hoped for. “I— Let’s not talk about this on our anniversary. I don’t want to bring the mood down.” 

“But if it makes you feel better and enjoy the anniversary more—” Seungmin tries, but he stops when Hyunjin shakes his head. Seungmin opens and closes his mouth before he deflates a little and relents, squeezing Hyunjin’s hands. “Alright, not now. Do you still want to continue the drama?” 

Hyunjin hums in thought and shrugs. “We can also wrap up so that you can rest for your exam tomorrow.” 

“I don’t mind if you stay a little longer,” Seungmin tells him, and his words tug at Hyunjin’s heart. He would love to stay longer, but on the other hand it only makes him overthink more. 

“Kiss me, Seungmin,” Hyunjin whispers, a hint of desperation slipping through. Make me stop overthinking for a moment and make me believe that you love me as much as I love you. 

Seungmin complies and lets go of Hyunjin’s hands to cup his cheeks and kiss him softly. Hyunjin’s eyes flutter shut as he kisses back, trying to empty his mind through the kiss, but in the back of his mind there is a voice saying that Seungmin only does things like this whenever Hyunjin asks for them, not out of own initiative. 

He tries to ignore the voice and wraps his arms around Seungmin’s middle to pull him closer, onto his lap and into a hug. It makes Hyunjin feel warmer, especially when Seungmin’s fingers thread into his hair, but it’s not enough to fully pull Hyunjin from his overthinking mind. Normally it is, but with everything else happening, their anniversary, the exams, and Hyunjin having been ruminating over this for a while now, it’s hard to let it go. 

Before he knows it, they part, and Hyunjin didn’t register whether it was him or Seungmin who pulled back first— it shouldn't matter, but Hyunjin can't help it. They look into each other’s eyes for a moment more, staying close, and it feels like they’re both trying to silently communicate to the other, or like they're trying to read the other’s mind, wanting to know what the other is thinking. But they can’t. Unfortunately. 

“You’re right, let’s wrap up,” Seungmin says, his hands slowly sliding down Hyunjin’s cheeks. “Thank you again for the flowers and the poem, Hyunie, I’ll cherish them.” 

Hyunjin smiles. At least Seungmin loved the gifts, so maybe he should just take it and be happy because he loves Seungmin, but he probably wouldn’t be able to shut his mind off. Up until now that hasn't been a success. “I’m glad. Rest well and you’ll do great on the exam as always.”

“Thank you. Good night, Hyunjin.” Seungmin kisses Hyunjin’s cheek, and Hyunjin returns it before wishing Seungmin a good night as well. 

It doesn’t feel right to leave like this, but Hyunjin knows that now is not the time to talk. Maybe the best time was before their anniversary, but then again they did have exams then too, so maybe there wasn’t a good time, but maybe there doesn’t exist a perfect time. Either way, Hyunjin feels weird walking back to his dorm. It’s getting difficult to ignore how he feels— he loves Seungmin and he just needs to know how Seungmin feels about him. 

Hyunjin is mulling over when the right time will be to talk when he returns to his dorm room. Felix is caught up in studying for his exam tomorrow, so Hyunjin just sneaks past him to wash up and try to sleep. He knows that it will be difficult to fall asleep with his thoughts and heart racing, but he should at least try if he still wants some kind of hope of being able to study for his last exam.

He doesn’t know how much time passes before his phone buzzes a few times, but it feels like at least two hours of tossing and getting up to move around and tire himself before tossing some more have passed. Hyunjin wonders who is texting him at this hour, so he picks up his phone and his heart skips a beat when he sees that it’s Seungmin. He doesn’t even register what the time is as he opens the messages quickly.

Seungminnie<3: Sorry for texting late, I hope this isn’t waking you if you’re asleep.

Seungminnie<3: I can’t really sleep, and I know that you didn’t want to talk today, but can we talk tomorrow?

Seungminnie<3: After my exam, I mean.

Seungminnie<3: Even just knowing that we’ll talk will ease my mind, I think.

Hyunjin’s chest tightens as he reads Seungmin’s text, and he feels the same. He can’t really sleep, and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to get any studying done before he talks to Seungmin, but he doesn’t think he’d have been the one to suggest talking tomorrow, with Seungmin having an exam, so he's happy that Seungmin is taking initiative— can't he do that on a romantic level too? Hyunjin shakes his head and texts him back, and Seungmin responds soon as well.

You: I can’t really sleep either. You didn’t wake me up.

You: If you’re sure that it’s okay after your exam, we can talk. 

Seungminnie<3: Yes I’m sure.

Seungminnie<3: My exam is done at noon, so you can come to my room at any time around or after that

Seungminnie<3: I’ll inform Jeonginnie tomorrow

Seungminnie<3: Sleep well Hyunie <3

You: I’ll probably be there at noon

You: Sleep well Minnie <3

Hyunjin exhales deeply and puts his phone away again. They will finally talk. Hyunjin is incredibly nervous about it, but it’s definitely needed because Hyunjin has learned that it’s not easy to deduce how much your boyfriend loves you just from observing him, and he wants to be freed from overthinking and overanalyzing everything Seungmin does or says. 

Unlike Seungmin said, this doesn’t make Hyunjin sleep much better, because he feels like he’s overreacting, but on the other hand he is afraid that Seungmin is realizing that he doesn’t love Hyunjin as much as Hyunjin loves him, too. It would break Hyunjin’s heart if it’s really true, and he would need weeks to recover, but like this he can’t focus either. 

+1

Hyunjin wakes up after a restless sleep, and he tried to get the most rest he could, but eventually he gave up and got out of his bed so he could eat something and mentally prepare himself to see Seungmin. Felix is having breakfast, and Hyunjin greets him softly.

“Hyunjin, hey! I didn’t see you come back yesterday. Did you have a nice time with Seungminnie? It was your anniversary, right?” Felix asks with a grin, and Hyunjin rubs his nape sheepishly, which makes Felix’s smile fall. “You don’t look happy…” 

“Eh, I’ve just been overthinking. The anniversary was okay.” Hyunjin shrugs, trying to stay positive, but Felix grimaces. “We’re going to talk after Seungminnie’s exam.”

“I wanted to offer a listening ear as well, but I’m glad to hear that you two will talk, even though I don’t know what’s wrong to begin with,” Felix chuckles sheepishly. “You two are good at talking, so I’m sure it’ll be fine. But I’m here for you if you need me as well, okay? You don’t have to keep all those worries locked up in that head of yours.” 

“I know, thank you Lixie,” Hyunjin whispers, feeling a little embarrassed for not sharing his worries with anyone, but he just felt silly about it. He still does, it feels silly that this feels so important to him, while he should probably just be happy with what he has and not demand so much from Seungmin. “I hope it’ll be fine too. You can just focus on your exam, I'll be fine, hopefully.” 

“I’ll try! Good luck with Seungminnie later! Oh, and there’s some food for you in the fridge, I made too much!” Felix finishes up his breakfast and packs his things before leaving, and Hyunjin wishes him good luck. 

He gratefully eats the leftovers of what his roommate made, but after that, he’s alone with his thoughts, and he hates it. He always spirals when he’s alone and doesn't sleep well, but it’s not noon yet, so Seungmin most likely isn’t done with his exam yet because even if he finishes early, he always meticulously double checks his answers. Hyunjin has always admired that— he admires everything about his boyfriend, and that only makes him more nervous, wondering if he’s pathetic for loving Seungmin so much and wanting that love to be returned. 

When it’s half past eleven, Hyunjin decides to just go to Seungmin’s dorm room already, knowing that if he gets lost in doom thinking now, he could be gone for hours and miss noon. Seungmin said he could come any time around or after noon, but Hyunjin would rather not get lost in his mind right now when Seungmin can hopefully pull him out of it soon. 

He heads to Seungmin and Jeongin’s room and knocks. Jeongin will probably be there, unless Seungmin is already back and Jeongin gave him space. 

Indeed, Jeongin opens the door and raises his eyebrows when he sees Hyunjin. “Hyunjin hyung. You’re early. And you look… not great.”

Hyunjin snorts and rubs his nape. “I know. I didn’t sleep too well.”

Jeongin sighs and shakes his head as he invites Hyunjin inside. “What is up with you two? Seungmin has been weird too, but I’m not going to play mediator right now, that’s for you two to do in a minute.” Jeongin crosses his arms and Hyunjin presses his lips together. “Can I ask, however, what your deal is?” 

Hyunjin opens and closes his mouth, contemplating whether to tell Jeongin this or not. Maybe he should, because Jeongin knows Seungmin well, and he knows that his friends will never laugh at him, but he’s still embarrassed. 

“You don’t have to—”

“I’m worried that Seungmin doesn’t love me as much as I love him,” Hyunjin blurts, and Jeongin’s eyes widen. Hyunjin flushes and avoids Jeongins eyes, and he feels the need to explain himself, defend himself, and now that he has spilled his worries, the words won’t stop spilling. “I— I mean, he’s not really affectionate with me and like you said at the hangout, you know, he doesn’t really talk about me, and whenever we hang out we just study and not really do anything— like— even on our anniversary it was sort of like that—” 

“Hyunjin,” Jeongin cuts in and Hyunjin snaps his mouth shut, barely even noticing that Jeongin skipped the honorifics. “First, I don’t need to know everything. Second, you are a stupid idiot, did you know that? And I said that I wouldn’t interfere, but the urge is certainly there. You two should really talk, and maybe do it more often, if this has been bothering you since the hangout at Chan hyung's.” 

Jeongin’s words are harsh, but they’re true. Hyunjin certainly feels like a stupid idiot, a stupid boyfriend—

“Hyung,” Jeongin pulls him out of his thoughts again, and Hyunjin hesitantly looks up to see Jeongin’s kind expression. “Don’t be too harsh on yourself, okay? Only your friends are allowed to do that. Miscommunications happen. What happened happened and you and Seungminnie hyung are going to talk like you always do and figure it out, which is much easier said than done, so instead of beating yourself up for not having talked earlier, be proud that you’re talking now.” 

Hyunjin exhales deeply, a few nerves leaving with his breath, and he manages a small smile. “You’re right, Innie. How can you be so cute yet so wise at the same time?” 

Jeongin snorts and shrugs while grinning. “Those two traits aren’t mutually exclusive.”

Hyunjin snickers, and Jeongin seems happy to see him smile again, too, before he continues, “But in all seriousness, it’s easier when you’re watching from the sidelines. When you’re in the middle of it, it’s more difficult to see everything.” 

“You’re right. I was certainly all up in my head…” Hyunjin sighs before he hugs his friend. “Thank you, Jeonginnie.”

“Any time,” Jeongin whispers before pulling back. “Anyway, I’ll go bother Changbinnie hyung or something and leave you for when Seungminnie hyung comes back.” He turns away, but pauses in the doorway and looks back at Hyunjin. “Oh– One last thing that you already know before I go: not everyone shows their love in the same way.” 

With that, Jeongin leaves, and Hyunjin’s mind lags behind, trying to comprehend and process everything that his friend told him. Not everyone shows their love in the same way, he repeats in his head. So… He has been overreacting after all? Is Jeongin telling him he has simply been blind and shouldn’t have compared the way Seungmin acts to how Hyunjin loves? Has he been a selfish idiot? 

Hyunjin groans and he feels like his legs will give in at any time, so he stumbles to Seungmin’s desk and sits down there, putting his face in his hands and slumping down. His elbows knock against something and he tenses when he hears it clattering onto the floor. Gosh, can I do anything right? I can’t even sulk properly. 

He slowly raises his head again to see what he pushed off Seungmin’s desk, and he sees that it was his boyfriend’s diary and a small notebook. Hyunjin sighs and bends down to pick it up, but then his eyes involuntarily stray to the words written on the page, which seems to be the last page he wrote since the other page is blank. He knows that he shouldn’t read Seungmin’s diary, but it’s not really like he can see the words and choose not to process them. Once he sees them, his brain automatically reads it, and when he sees his own name, Hyunjin can’t fight his curiosity. 

‘Dear diary, today was the hundredth day anniversary of Hyunjinnie’s and my relationship. I didn’t prepare anything in particular because it’s exam season and I thought we could have a hangout together and just see what we feel like. I really like simply spending time with him, just the two of us, but I don’t think it was what Hyunjin wanted or expected.
He bought a whole bouquet for me plus he wrote a very touching poem (which I put in my binder with his confession poem), and he seemed disappointed that I didn’t have anything for him. I feel guilty, because he deserves to get something special, so I should definitely make it up to him, but I don’t know how yet. I’m not really the romantic type, and I was thinking of buying flowers since Hyunjin loves those, but I don’t want it to seem like I’m just copying him. And besides, he knows more about flower language than I do (I only know what I know because of him telling me).
I’ll think about it some more. And I should also add Hyunjinnie’s love for flowers and flower language to the list. I can’t believe I haven’t already done so.
Either way’—

Hyunjin forces himself to stop reading there, both because he really shouldn’t be reading Seungmin’s diary, and because his heart is going haywire in his chest, feelings of guilt and shock swirling through his stomach. He knew that Seungmin couldn’t sleep because of yesterday, but he didn’t know that he had been that obvious with his disappointment that Seungmin didn't plan anything. Still, he doesn’t want Seungmin to make it up to him because he has to, he should want to. Maybe he does want to, but Hyunjin’s mind isn’t working properly.

He’s also curious about what list Seungmin is talking about, too, but it’s probably something personal, just like his diary is, and the fact that Hyunjin is mentioned in there doesn’t mean that he can read it. He puts Seungmin’s diary back on the desk, closed, and in the corner of his eyes he sees the small notebook still laying on the floor. It’s also opened, and, again, Hyunjin processes what he sees before he can help it. 

It’s a list— is it the list? Hyunjin wonders, his eyes trailing over the words written in the notebook. Is he really breaking Seungmin’s privacy twice? Apparently, yes, because he’s feeling vulnerable and insecure and he’s tired and frustrated with himself and he doesn’t have the brain power to be responsible and he has barely enough to even make conscious choices about anything. So he reads it.

‘- The way his face scrunches when he eats (it looks both sad and cute)
- The way he makes happy noises when he eats something yummy (yes, we ate together)
- The way he complains whenever eggplants are mentioned
- The way he gets clingy when he’s tired (it’s cute and makes me want to take care of him)
- The way he isn’t embarrassed to be affectionate in front of people’

Hyunjin is reading it all in disbelief, his heart hammering against his ribcage. This has to be about him, there’s no doubt about it— so Seungmin has a list about him? A list of his habits? But why?

Without thinking about it, Hyunjin goes to the first page of the notebook, his heart moving up into his throat as he reads the words written there: ‘Because I can’t keep filling my diary with it and I’d like it all in one place. :)’.
It’s typical that Seungmin hasn’t written any title explaining what exactly it is— it's a private notebook after all. Seungmin has always been private, and Hyunjin should really put the notebook down. But he doesn’t, and his throat closes up with every word he reads, his heart swelling and tears slowly forming in his eyes. 

‘I’ll get the obvious ones out of the way first:
- His handsome small face
- His lips (gosh)
- His dumpling smile <3
- The way he laughs so easily
- The way he laughs with his whole body
- His passion (!!!)
- His kindness (he’s naive sometimes, but it’s because he’s kind)
- The way he’s always himself, so genuine and sincere
- The way he’s so emotional and in touch with his feelings
- The way he can’t lie
- The way he sees everything in a romantic light’

Before Hyunjin knows it, his vision is fully blurred by tears and a sob escapes his lips, touched by the things Seungmin wrote down, even if he still doesn’t fully understand why Seungmin has this—

Click. The sound of the door opening startles Hyunjin, and he tries to even out his breathing and wipe away his tears, but they keep falling and he keeps hiccuping and whining. 

“I— Hyunjin? What— What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Seungmin immediately puts his backpack down and approaches him, but he falters when he sees the notebook in Hyunjin’s hand. 

Hyunjin gasps and quickly turns around to put it down. “Oh my gosh— I–I’m so sorry, Seungminnie— I— I— shouldn’t— and– but you— I’ve been—” 

Hyunjin can’t breathe well enough to say anything comprehensible, and he wants to bury his face in his hands, but Seungmin gently grabs his shoulder to turn him around and hug him tightly. Hyunjin immediately melts and hugs Seungmin back, crying on his broad shoulder. 

“It’s okay, just let it out,” Seungmin whispers, rubbing Hyunjin’s back while Hyunjin sobs. He feels so guilty but also so relieved, so loved by what he read and by the way Seungmin is hugging him so warmly, patiently waiting for him to cry all his tears, let out the pent up doubts and insecurities from the past days. 

“I–I’m sorry, Seungminnie,” Hyunjin croaks, slowly raising his head and sniffling. He probably looks like a hot mess right now— he sure feels like one. 

“What are you apologizing for, Hyunie?” Seungmin asks softly, his hand finding Hyunjin’s cheek to wipe away the final few stray tears falling down, and Hyunjin leans into the touch. “Talk to me.”

“I— I’m sorry for– a lot of things,” Hyunjin tells him between sniffles, and Seungmin frowns and waits for him to elaborate. “I– For the way I’ve been acting lately. For the way I was yesterday, and— and because I–I knocked your diary and that notebook off your desk and I read them without your permission– and— and for thinking that–that you didn’t love me as much as I love you.” 

Seungmin’s eyes widen, and he seems to malfunction for a moment, opening and closing his mouth a few times before stammering, “I— What..? Wait— one thing at a time. Why were you crying?”

Hyunjin presses his lips together, his cheeks burning, and he sure that Seungmin can feel it, because his hand is still cupping Hyunjin’s jaw lightly. “I— Because that notebook– it’s a list of things about me? And– it touched me so much, and— I realized that you do love me— otherwise you wouldn’t have such a list, so I cried. But also because I– I feel guilty for ever thinking you didn’t– and for reading your diary— only the page where you wrote about yesterday, but still.” 

Seungmin blushes and lets his hands fall down to Hyunjin’s shoulders. “Why did you think that I didn’t love you?” 

“Because I’m stupid and heard a few girls saying that they didn’t see things from your side and I got in my head and thought the only way to show love and affection was my way, publicly and often and in obvious ways,” Hyunjin admits, looking down in shame. “I– I only focused on the things you don’t do, instead of everything you do.”

“And yesterday didn’t help much with that, I assume,” Seungmin adds, and Hyunjin hums. “I am still sorry for that too.” 

“Don’t apologize, Seungminnie. I just overreacted—” Hyunjin begins, but Seungmin interrupts him. 

“No— You didn’t. I understand that you were hoping for more from my side,” he tells him, and Hyunjin pouts, tears threatening to well up again. “I took the easy way out by not preparing anything and using the exams as an excuse and you deserve more effort than that, especially for our anniversary. And that wasn’t because I don’t love you. I do, I just— I just don’t know how to express it sometimes and I tend to be fine with simple things, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't put in the effort.”

Hyunjin softens and grabs Seungmin’s hands from his shoulders, holding them. “And I can put some more effort into acknowledging the ways you do show it, and I can also maybe tell you what I like or want instead of expecting you to somehow know what I want. I just hope that- that you will do those things because you love me.”

“I would. I— I may not initiate a lot, and I should work on that, but it's not because I don't love you. I wouldn't do anything if I didn't want it myself and I love making you happy, so if you tell me what you want or ask for things that would help me a lot,” Seungmin mutters, leaning in to kiss Hyunjin’s cheek. “I try to notice whenever you are in your head about something, but it's not always easy. The past few days I thought you were simply worried about exams. Maybe I should also ask next time.” 

Hyunjin huffs out a chuckle, and his heart does a swoop when he realizes that Seungmin had been helping him with studying a lot lately. His assumption that Hyunjin’s worries were about exams may not have been right, but it's not like Hyunjin hasn't been going off assumptions either, so Hyunjin appreciates the gestures Seungmin did, and now that some sense has returned to his brain, now that his overthinking has been broken, he can see that those things are the way Seungmin shows his love. He loves just being with Hyunjin, sharing his private time with him. It doesn’t all have to be romantic to be a show of love.

“So… my list made you believe again that I love you?” Seungmin asks softly, and Hyunjin nods with a smile. “You didn’t think it was weird? Or creepy?”

“No, not at all! It– It was so romantic. It made me cry for a reason,” he tells his boyfriend, who blushes. “If anything, you have the right to be upset that I looked both in your diary and in your notebook.” 

Seungmin shrugs, playing with the end of Hyunjin’s sleeves. “It’s alright. I trust you, and it helped us in this case, so I can retrospectively make an exception to your permission to peek in my diary. And the list… well, it’s about you, and it’s positive, so I suppose that there’s no reason that you aren’t allowed to look in it, however embarrassing it is for me.” 

“It’s not embarrassing to love!” Hyunjin counters, and Seungmin smiles. “I only read two pages and I don’t even fully understand what the list is for, but I was already so touched, Seungminnie. It makes me so happy to see the things you love about me, and I know that you prefer keeping these things to special moments, which you should still do, but maybe I’d like it if you remind me a little bit more often.”

Seungmin softens and raises his hand to run it through Hyunjin’s hair, tucking a strand behind his ear. “I’ll do my best for you.” He pauses and blushes, so Hyunjin becomes curious about what he’ll say next. “Uhm, do you want to see more of the list?”

Hyunjin gasps. “Really? You’d be okay with that? Of course I want that!”

Seungmin chuckles and pulls back, his cheeks a deep red, and Hyunjin just wants to eat him up. “It’ll be embarrassing for me, but I know it’d make you happy, so I’ll try to get over it.”

“Awww, Seungmin!” Hyunjin pulls his boyfriend back into a hug and kisses his face a dozen time, making the latter laugh. “I will never doubt you again.” 

“I haven’t even shown you more of the list yet,” Seungmin mutters as Hyunjin nuzzles his nose in Seungmin’s warm cheek. 

“I’m already touched by the intention,” Hyunjin whispers. 

They stay embraced for a moment more before Seungmin peels Hyunjin off himself and grabs the notebook while Hyunjin moves to Seungmin’s bed so they can cuddle.

“Uhm, some context, I guess. Before we got together, I had a huge crush and I didn’t really know what to do with myself other than write it down, but it was kind of clogging my diary, so I wanted to have somewhere separate to put my feelings,” Seungmin explains, and Hyunjin’s heart swells, realizing that Seungmin already had this list before they even got together. He's incredibly touched and hopes that he doesn't start bawling again when Seungmin reads it. “So I made this list where I could put everything I love about you in one place.” 

“Oh my gosh, I’m going to cry…” Hyunjin whines, feeling oh so full with love. He can barely even imagine why or how he thought that Seungmin didn’t love him, but he does hope that this will encourage Seungmin to show things like this more. He shouldn’t be embarrassed for feeling loving feelings, not in general, but especially not because Hyunjin loves him just as much. 

Seungmin just huffs and gets onto the bed next to Hyunjin. “Do you just… want to read it yourself?” 

“Uhm, I don’t mind— Oh! But maybe you can read it to me!” Hyunjin suggests with a grin, and Seungmin’s flush that had been disappearing slowly returns again. “Then you won’t have to just watch me read it, and you know that I love your voice.” 

“And you apparently love immediately testing how much embarrassment I can handle,” Seungmin half-heartedly complains, and Hyunjin laughs, hugging Seungmin and shaking him from side to side. “But I’ll read it. Where did you leave off?” 

“The last thing I read before bursting into tears was that I see everything in a romantic light.” Hyunjin huddles close to read along with what Seungmin reads, feeling all too warm and loved. In his mind, he’ll see this as their proper anniversary celebration. 

“Alright, here we go…” Seungmin takes a deep breath before he starts reading what he wrote. “I love… ‘the way he looks at me when I sing (Jeonginnie says he often looks at me like that, I will have to pay attention to that)’” 

“I do always look at you with heart eyes,” Hyunjin confirms, snickering when Seungmin blushes for the nth time today. 

“I have noticed, and it will make a return on the list— but enough spoilers,” Seungmin mutters, and Hyunjin chuckles, resitting to huddle against Seungmin’s side, leaning his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Anyway, I love ‘the way he always praises my singing. His taste in music (we love the same music). His view of the world (so different yet similar to mine). The way we can lean and depend on each other. The way he’s an open book. The way he works hard for everything he wants. The way he (apparently) always looks at me (how does he expect me not to burst?). The way he always touches his lips when he thinks. The way he has been gaining muscle lately (his back muscles…). The way he loves taking care of people and also loves being taken care of. The way he squeezes and caresses my neck when we hug.’” 

Seungmin clears his throat between reading while Hyunjin smiles and squeezes Seungmin’s nape as his boyfriend reads everything, seeming less embarrassed about everything as he reads more and more, though some points he still whispers more than others. He even smiles while reading the next few lines,

“‘The way he’s not afraid to be vulnerable. The way he’s full of love. His poems. The way he kisses me (we finally kissed! it was as good as I imagined). The way he’s my boyfriend now >:) <3.’”

Hyunjin gasps, memories of his confession with the poem and their first kiss flooding his mind and heart, warming up his insides. This is probably what Seungmin wrote that evening after Hyunjin confessed, and getting a peek into Seungmin’s thoughts and feelings like this feels so incredibly intimate and requires a lot of trust and vulnerability from Seungmin’s side. It's more than Hyunjin could have asked for.

“‘The way he’s smart but also a pabo (he didn’t think that I liked him back). That he’s a pabo in general (my pabo) <3.’” 

Hyunjin barks out a laugh and tackles Seungmin, who yelps as Hyunjin scatters kisses over his face. “I am indeed a pabo for ever doubting you.” 

Seungmin giggles and squishes Hyunjin’s cheeks to stop him from oversaturating Seungmin’s face with kisses. “I am too, for thinking that you’d know the extent of my feelings when I rarely tell you.” 

“Then you’re my pabo, too,” Hyunjin retorts, and Seungmin loosens his grip on Hyunjin’s cheeks, which he takes as the opportunity to kiss Seungmin on his lips (since Seungmin apparently loves the way he kisses him). Seungmin all but melts into it, and Hyunjin can feel how much Seungmin loves him through it. It’s not like Seungmin kisses him in a very different way other than that they both have less on their minds now than before, but Hyunjin’s perspective on Seungmin’s actions has changed now, because he realizes that love can be shown in many different ways, and they just have to find the common ground where you show it in your own way, but also make sure that the other knows it and feels loved. 

“Hmm— Do you want me to read the rest of the list or do you want to just kiss?” Seungmin asks softly, only pulling out of the kiss a little bit, and Hyunjin really wants to keep kissing, especially with the way Seungmin is whispering against his lips, but he’s also still curious about the rest of the list. 

“Let’s… continue the list and then I kiss you for the rest of the day,” Hyunjin decides, and Seungmin chuckles, pulling back completely and grabbing the notebook that fell out of his hands when Hyunjin tackled him. 

Hyunjin gets comfortable draping himself over Seungmin as his boyfriend continues reading the list. It’s very sweet and the list also has some silly points like how Seungmin loves the fact that he sweats so much just a little more than that he hates it, or that he loves how Hyunjin has come to brush his teeth more diligently because he knows that Seungmin is more likely to kiss him or accept kisses then, but even those silly points are sweet, because Hyunjin knows that Seungmin is really particular about hygiene. And Hyunjin is touched that Seungmin notices so many things about him, all his habits, even ones that make Hyunjin sometimes feel insecure. Knowing that Seungmin loves those habits, makes Hyunjin love them more, too. 

When they get to the end of the list, Hyunjin doesn’t know what to do with all the love he feels and how loved he feels. He expresses that, and Seungmin laughs.

“Now you know how I feel all the time. When you give me flowers, when you write a poem or give me a drawing, or when you gush about me or praise me…” Seungmin trails off with a bashful and fond smile. “I’m glad I can make you feel that way, too.” 

“Of course you do, and not only because of the list. I could make my own list too of things I love about you, but then we’d be here for the rest of the week,” Hyunjin replies, mindlessly caressing Seungmin’s jaw. “For now, I’ll convey it with more kissing.” 

Seungmin huffs out a laugh but gladly accepts Hyunjin’s lips on his after he puts the notebook away, and they end up kissing, pulling back for air and chasing each other's lips to kiss again until their lips are numb and their stomachs growl because it’s dinner time.

They order food again and it’s a great do-over of yesterday, which only shows how easily some things can be solved by simply talking. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t scary to open up or to talk about your worries and wants and feelings, but it does encourage Hyunjin to speak up sooner next time he’s up in his mind about something, especially if it has to do with his relationship with Seungmin. Because he knows that Seungmin always does his best to understand him and see things from his perspective, and Hyunjin decides that he will put in more effort to do the same for Seungmin. 

“I love you, Seungminnie. Thank you for this amazing one hundred and first day anniversary,” Hyunjin tells him, making the latter laugh. 

“I love you, too, Hyunjin,” Seungmin replies simply yet sincerely, and Hyunjin thinks that it describes Seungmin’s way of loving well. Simple and subtle, yet so deep, sincere, and profound if you know to look at it with the right perspective. 

Now that Hyunjin is reminded of that perspective, he doesn’t think he’ll doubt his boyfriends feelings for him any time soon, but even if Hyunjin will somehow manage to get caught inside his mind full of doubts, he now knows that they can talk it out together, and Seungmin will all too gladly remind him how much he loves him. 

And if Seungmin surprises him after his last exam at his dorm room, singing Hyunjin’s favorite love song for him to make it up for their hundredth day anniversary (even if for Hyunjin their hundred and first day already did more than make it up) and Hyunjin cries again, then it's only because Hyunjin knows even more that Seungmin wants their relationship to work just as much as Hyunjin does, and Seungmin loves him just as much as Hyunjin loves him. 

The end.