Archive of Our Own ^beta

Sitting down on the cart, Tanner looked around to make sure that he wasn’t there. Taking in his surroundings, trying to scan every person who entered the busy train, he was certain that he wasn’t. Tanner leaned his head back against the seat, closed his eyes for a moment, and allowed himself to relax. When he opened his eyes, he looked around once again to make sure that Fir wasn’t on the train. Looking to his left he saw someone who had bleach blond hair like Fir has and paused. Tanner couldn’t take his eyes off the person, he needed to know if that was him. The stranger turned his head to the side and Tanner knew it wasn’t Fir. The mole at the bottom of his ear wasn’t there. He leaned forward into his hands feeling stupid, why is he even on the lookout for him? Even if Fir did get on the metro, it’s not like Tanner owned it. After reaching his station, Tanner quickly walked up the stairs leading to the street and there he was standing at the top.

Tanner stopped walking for a moment, just looking at him. The people behind him started to get agitated and he started going up again, quickly walking by Fir who didn’t even notice him because he was too busy looking at his phone, smiling. Whatever it’s not like Tanner wanted him to see him, that would’ve just made it worst.

Making it to his apartment, Tanner sat down on the couch and stared into space, trying to process what happened. He saw Fir, he was at least 3 feet away and Fir didn’t even see him. What’s worse is that Fir was smiling, they broke up TWO weeks ago and he’s smiling? Tanner has been crying his eyes out almost every night and Fir is smiling away. Tanner sighed and thought to himself that he’s being ridiculous, just because Fir is smiling doesn’t mean that he’s not sad either. He just wishes that Fir thought that they were still soulmates.

A few weeks later, his roommate Eric invited him to a party to try and get his mind off things. Tanner said yes because why not? Maybe it’ll help him stop moping around. Going to Crafty’s place, Tanner was happy that there’s some people he knew there. He was much less happy when he saw some of Fir’s friends where there too. He knew when breaking up that people would take sides, even if they said they wouldn’t, like Amy and CJ. Feeling their eyes on him, he walked into the kitchen to grab something to drink when he ran into Jacob.

“Hey man,” Jacob said to him, “you’re actually out of your cave?”

Tanner looked at him and grinned. “Yeah, Eric finally dragged me out, told me I needed to ‘socialize’”, he joked back to Jacob.

Jacob’s voice got softer and said, “I’m sorry about what happened with you and Fir, I know you really liked him”.

“Its fine,” Tanner started “stuff happens and besides we both agreed it was for the best.”

For the rest of the night Tanner did his best to ignore Amy and CJ, he was here to have fun and to turn his brain off for the night. He hung around Jacob and Eric most of the time, though Moarf did say hi to him. Tanner was happy that at least Moarf acknowledged him, he’s friends with both him and Fir, why couldn’t the other two be like that? While getting ready to leave, Jacob asked if he can catch a ride back to his place. Tanner said okay because why not? Sitting in the cab together, Tanner kept looking out the window, finally letting his brain turn on, and felt Jacob’s hand on his knee.

“Do you have any other plans for tonight?” Jacob asked him.

Tanner turned to look at him, but couldn’t make eye contact. “N-No, I’m free the rest of the night,” he said.

Jacob leaned into him and said, “Tell me if this is okay.” He pressed his lips onto Tanner’s and Tanner froze, his mind going a million thoughts per second. In the end one thought reigned over all the others, which was ‘fuck it’. He kissed Jacob back, wrapping his arms around his neck, not wanting to let go. Jacob pulled back and started mouthing Tanner’s neck; feeling Jacob’s hair on his chin, Tanner could smell something, something familiar.

“So um, weird question, w-what kind of shampoo do you use?” Tanner hesitantly asked.

“Dude, seriously, right now?” Jacob said back. “I use something by L’oreal, I don’t know the exact name of it,” he answered anyways.

Tanner froze and knew that Jacob used the same shampoo that Fir uses. He pushed Jacob off him, who was still on his neck. “I don’t think I can do this,” Tanner started “it’s still too close and I’m not ready.”

Jacob sat up annoyed and said “Okay seriously, what’s your deal? You weren’t even like this after we broke up!”

Tanner backed up and said, “It’s different, okay?! And besides we dated for like 3 months while Fir and I were together for over a year.”

“Whatever.” Jacob mumbled. Clearing his throat Jacob asked the driver to pull over so he could get off, leaving Tanner alone once again.

The rest of the drive back was quiet and left Tanner with his thoughts. He never thought he’d smell that shampoo again, he didn’t think that a smell could change his mood like that. He knew he overacted, but in fairness he’s still in mourning and also Jacob overreacted as well, so it cancels out his. Laying back down on his bed Tanner thought ‘when will this be over?’

The weekend passed and Tanner had to go back on the subway to get to work. He had been pretty good at ‘avoiding’ Fir. Avoiding meaning, Tanner ran in and out as fast as he can and doesn’t look around incase he might see Fir. Today he let his guard down, he took his time and told himself to stop stressing. Not every blond small guy is Fir. Getting off the train, going up the stairs and onto the street, Tanner realized that he didn’t feel scared. He didn’t even look to see if Fir might be getting on or if he was on the staircase. ‘This is progress,’ Tanner thought to himself.

Later that night, Tanner laid there in his bed, lazily jerking himself off. He had been pent up and hadn’t done this in awhile. As he was getting closer, he closed his eyes and Fir popped into his mind. Tanner opened his eyes, hand still on his dick, and finished while saying Fir’s name. He cleaned himself off and laid back down. Small tears escaping his eyes because he was doing so good today. Any progress he made was stripped away by what he just did.

A month went by and suddenly its been two months since him and Fir broke up. Tanner was getting ready for work when he got a phone call from Moarf. ‘Weird, why would Moarf call me?’ Tanner thought. He figured it has to be important or else he wouldn’t be calling and answers him. “What’s up?” Tanner said into the receiver.

“Tanner, god I don’t know how to say this” Moarf said to him.

Nervous, Tanner told him “Just say it, I’m running late for work.”

“No one wanted to tell you, but seeing as I’m both your friend, I feel like I have to tell you” Moarf started. Tanner paused and knows that he’s about to tell him something about Fir, he doesn’t know if he wants to hang up or listen to what Moarf has to say.

“CJ and Fir started dating last week. I just barely found out and thought I have to tell you. In case you see them around together.” Moarf finished.

“Oh, well alright then,” Tanner said quietly “Thanks for telling me, you’re a good friend man.” Tanner hung up the phone, not interested in whatever he has left to say.

Fir and CJ, together? Tanner doesn’t know what to make of that, or what he’s supposed to do with that info. Tanner calls off work saying he suddenly got sick and he lays around the living room. He stays there until Eric comes back from his job a few hours later. “Hey bud, are you okay? Why are you still home?” Eric asked him.

Tanner sat up and said to him “I found out that Fir is seeing someone.”

“Geez, are you serious?” Eric said cautiously to Tanner.

“Yeah,” Tanner said “It just¬¬— It just sucks because while I’m over here crying and being sad and depressed, he’s moved on with no issues. It feels like I was nothing to him.”

Eric looked at Tanner and softly said “Yeah, but you don’t know how he’s feeling. Fir is his own person and he’s allowed to date again. Who knows, maybe this is him trying to get over you?”

“Eric you’re supposed to be on my side,” whined Tanner.

“Plus, didn’t you almost hook-up with Jacob like a week after you guys broke up?” Eric said.

Groaning Tanner said “It was like a month after and that’s different. That was almost sex, what Fir is doing is another relationship. He’s making a whole new life with someone.”
It’s quiet for a moment before Tanner goes “I think I might move back to Canada,”

“Wait, what, why?” His roommate questioned him.

“I was supposed to leave half a year ago, but being with Fir I knew I couldn’t handle long distance. Now I’m here, alone in New York, no family, hardly any friends, shitty job. I think it might be time for me to go back home.”
Eric looked at him with a sad expression on his face and replies back “If that’s really how you feel Tanner, go for it.”

Tanner lays back down on the couch, looks at the ceiling and says, “I think he’ll always be the one who got away.”