Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Makomo: *looking at a bunch of colorful crochet blankets laid over Giyuu's futon* Oh, these are pretty nice. I didn't know you could crochet.

Giyuu: Thanks, they're my trauma blankets

Makomo: ...

Makomo: ...They're what?

Giyuu: You know how some people stress bake? Namely, you?

Makomo:  . . . Yeah . . .

Giyuu: Well, I crochet, sew and all that. So *points to a blanket* see that one there? The pink one? That was when Kanae died. The blue one was after Final Selection. The marron one was actually right after Nee-san died, that's my oldest one. And the one right there that I'm still working on is 'cause I'm depressed as fuck and my therapist is on vacation so she told me to crochet her a blanket.

Makomo: ...

Makomo: ...What the fuck, Yuu?

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Makio: I'd like to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives.

Suma: I wake up at 5 am every day to go hunting.

Makio: I'd like to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives.

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Uzui: Ladies first

Giyuu: I'm a boy

Uzui: I'm never holding a door open for you again

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Giyuu: I quit being a Hashira.

Uzui: You can do that???

Sanemi: First time I'm hearing about it.

Kanae: Aww, what will you become now?

Giyuu: I will become a seamstress.

Sanemi: ...

Uzui: YOU CAN DO THAT??

Gyomei: ...While I have not seen your works, I'm sure you will be an amazing seamstress

Kanae: I agree with Gyomei-san!

Uzui: You can quit being an hashira that easily?!

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Naho: So Zenitsu-san, with your recent more feminine looks you've got people wondering, are you a girl now?

Zenitsu: I'm whatever makes everyone who finds me hot gay

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Gyomei, at a sensei gathering, talking to Urokodaki: Where's Jigoro?

Urokodaki: Oh, he's sitting down. Dealing with his youngest disciple all day really tires him out. Speaking of which, you haven't met Zenitsu yet!

Urokodaki, guiding Gyomei to where Jigoro with Zenitsu: This is little Zenitsu, say hi little one!

Zenitsu, with teary eyes and hiding behind Jigoro: ...Hi

Gyomei: ...

Gyomei, mentally: Yeah, I need to take him home. I need to raise that thing. He's adorable.

*years later*

Gyomei, at Jigoro's funeral with Zenitsu at his side: I was playing the long game, idiot.

Giyuu, who was also there: What..?

Gyomei, shaking his head: Namu Amida Butsu, I pray he will be in peace.

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Shinobu: Not to worry. I have a permit.

Uzui: This just says, "Shinobu can do what she wants" with your signature.

Shinobu: I'm a doctor, Uzui, I can do whatever I want.

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Kanae: The real reason Howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion.

Giyuu: This sounds like a joke but I read the book. This is the literal reason. 

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Genya: Gyomei, I'm gay

Gyomei: Oh

Genya: Oh?

Gyomei: I mean you being gay sort of ruins the entire edgy thing you and your brother have going on

Genya: What?

Gyomei: Because you're gay.. you're happy..??

Genya: When Zenitsu uses the term gay he means something different than me

Zenitsu, poking his head into room: No, we mean the same thing. I just didn't want to explain it to him.

Genya: No, Gyomei. I'm bisexual, I'm into men and woman

Gyomei: Oh, congrats? Me too?

Genya: WHAT?!

Zenitsu: Yeah...I think I once saw Gyomei-san kiss someone who reminded me a bit of both Tokito-san and Tanjiro

Genya: Again, WHAT?!

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Yuichiro: Want to help me commit a felony?

Kaigaku: What the hell??

Yuichiro: Sorry, my bad.

Yuichiro, whispering: Want to help me commit a felony?

Kaigaku, whispering: Of course dude, what do you need?

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*Kaigaku and Gyutaro watching Akaza as he fakes his death*

Gyutaro: Man, he really is peak pretty boy

Kaigaku: Right? Like, stop serving while you're dying. It's disrespectful.

Gyutaro: For real, like, at least YOU had your priorities straight.

Kaigaku: Exactly, I—

Kaigaku: ...

Kaigaku: Now hold up just a second—

Gyutaro: I mean, you looked like shit when you died

Kaigaku: THE FUCK, GYUTARO????

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Giyuu: *putting on his haori at six in the morning *

Murata: Whoa, wait, you're never up this early. What are you doing???

Giyuu: *nonchalantly* I'm going to adopt a child

Murata: ...

Giyuu: *walks out the door*

Murata: *knocks over like fifteen things in order to follow him* GIYUU. WAIT UP. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

Giyuu: I've decided to adopt a child, Murata, get with the program.

Murata: WHY???

Giyuu: *sighs* Because I had a dream in which I adopted a kid but then I woke up and it wasn't real and I felt very sad and guilty for abandoning my kid

Murata: ...

Murata: You had a dream—

Giyuu: That I adopted a kid, yeah

Murata: And you're currently mourning your . . . Imaginary child

Giyuu: Kind of, yeah

Murata: ...

Murata: *tearing up* I'll send a letter to Ubuyashiki-sama and get together the necessary paperwork. Meet you at the orphanage in thirty?

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Sanemi: It's so unfair

Kanae: What's unfair?

Sanemi: How so damn pretty Giyuu is!

Uzui: *positively smug* Of course he is beautiful. I tell him every day. Sometimes twice.

Sanemi: *annoyed* It's so unfair! The guy could literally commit a crime and just smile his way out of it!

Kanae: On that note, sometimes it's a good thing.

Uzui: What?

Kanae: One time, we got pulled over for going around with our swords, and the cop let him go because he "looked trustworthy".

Sanemi: So?

Kanae: If he hadn't said I was with him, I bet I would have been taken into jail

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Gyomei, high on pain killers: I hate to tell you this, but one of you is adopted

Kamaboko Squad: ...

Zenitsu: ...only one?

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Makio: Fuck me if I'm wrong but-

Uzui: Wrong. You are wrong

Makio: I haven't even said-

Uzui, taking his shirt off: You are WRONG

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Makomo: What do you do when someone offers you drugs?

Naho: Take them!

Kiyo: Punch them in the neck!

Sumi: Say thank you!

Sabito: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance!

Makomo: ...

Makomo: No.

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Urokodaki: Happy Birthday, Sabito! Open your presents!

Sabito: You got me knives. Again.

Urokodaki: You used to like knives

Sabito: Yeah, when I was twelve. And I didn't even like them that much back then either!

Urokodaki: Should I take them back...

Sabito: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY FUCKING KNIVES, SENSEI. 

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Kaigaku: *lugging a body down the street* Dammit! Someone saw me back there. Fuck, this is NOT what I want to happen!

Gyokko: So being a simp for Gyutaro was the better option?

Kaigaku: *trips* What—

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Kaigaku: Why are you looking at me like that?

Zenitsu, age 4, wondering why Kaigaku looks so different if he's his brother: You're colored wrong

Kaigaku: What the fuck?

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Genya: So what's for dinner?

Gyomei: I can't tell you, it's a soup-prise!

Genya: ...

Genya: Is it soup?

Gyomei: I soup-pose it could be! winks

Genya: Please, enough with the soup puns!

Gyomei: Wow, you're soup-per mean.

Genya: STOP!

*one hour later*

Genya: It's pad thai?!?!?!

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Senjuro: *hands Obanai a doll* Here. I made you.

Obanai: *confused* what— *sees the doll, which has been made to look as much as possible as him, it even had bandages*

Senjuro: You don't like it?

Obanai: *sobbing* It's the best thing I've ever been given.

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Kanae, holding Sanemi's hand while they lie in bed: God I love this bed. God I love this house. And you. Especially you.

Voice: How domestic.

Kanae: God?

Uzui in the window, holding his bleeding side: No. It's me. May one of you please direct me to the nearest medical kit.

*frantic scrambling*

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Tanjiro: It's your spleen! You lost an ORGAN Kanao, you should have told us!

Kanao: So? You don't have your tonsils, that's an organ!

Zenitsu: That's not the same and you kn-

Tanjiro: Jokes on you, my tonsils grew back in when I became a demon for that short time so your argument doesn't even make sense!

Zenitsu, now fully turned toward Tanjiro: Your tonsils did WHAT

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Muzan: Douma, what did you do with that one hashira?

Douma: I killed him.

Muzan: When, where, and how?

Douma: Yesterday. Alley beside his state. Clean and quick.

Muzan: Why isn't any of this written down? You have to document it for future case references. You just wrote, "Done."

Douma: Because I'm done.

Muzan: But you're supposed to tell us the steps you took.

Douma: Step one: I did it.

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Giyuu walking into the kitchen, whistling and sounding suspiciously happy: Another day, another slay

*later that day*

Kanae: Have you heard the news, Gyomei-san? Apparently a slayer beat up Uzui during training

Gyomei:

Gyomei: Oh, he was serious?

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Shinobu: I know it's hard, but you must remain forgiving and merciful, Kanao.

Aoi, who knows that Shinobu has been creating poison after poison and using any demon who appeared in front of her as a test subject while injecting said poisons on herself to kill the demon who killed Kanae and has been hiding her fury behind fake smiles: ...

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Senjuro: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Kyojuro: They do.

Obanai, side eyeing Kyojuro: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

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Uzui: Biceps or abs?

Shinobu: Emotional Intelligence

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Senjuro: *walks into the Butterfly Mansion*

Kyojuro: *training outside* Hey Senjuro, how's it—wait

Senjuro: *looks over at him* Yeah?

Kyojuro: Is that a DOG?

Senjuro: *clearly holding a puppy* No, it's a demon dog.

Kyojuro: Sen...

Senjuro: *walks into the kitchen, still acting like there is no dog *

Shinobu: *raises brows* Have you adopted a puppy, Senjuro? Unfortunately, there is a rule about animals in the kitchen. As you are aware.

Senjuro: She isn't an animal. She's a demon dog.

Shinobu: *stares down at the dog* She looks like a regular dog to me.

Senjuro: Fine. I'll take me and my baby outside.

Kyojuro: Baby???? He adopted a dog and treats it as a child????

*from the front door*

Obanai: WHAT IS THAT?!

Senjuro: A puppy

Obanai: THAT IS CLEARLY A DEMON!

Kyojuro: ...

Shinobu: ...

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Sumiko, in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey, Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

Shizuka, in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You're staying home and having my kids.

Sanemi: What the fuck are you two doing?

Sumiko: Playing systemic oppression.

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Random Demon: Welcome to the 'Fuck the Stone Hashira, Himejima Gyomei' club.

Kokushibo: I have greatly misinterpreted the name of this club

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Gyutaro: I think I'm coming down with something, I've been feeling kinda nauseated lately.

Daki: Maybe you're pregnant.

Douma: I don't know who's the bigger idiot right now, Daki because she suggested it or me because I just had a heart attack.

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Shinobu: *groggily waking up at 2 am* Why are you in my room?

Mitsuri: I had a nightmare.

Shinobu: So you woke me up?

Mitsuri: No, I woke you up because I brought cookies. holds up plate Want one?

Shinobu: ...Yeah, okay.

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Sabito: So you know how we were kissing in the rain yesterday?

Murata: How could I forget?

Sabito: Yeah. So like, did you tell your family that you're dating me and Makomo?

Murata: Why would I do that, I like it when they're not privy to my love life.

Sabito: Right, right. Anyway, your cousin thinks you're cheating on Makomo with me. I can hear her ranting about it right now.

Murata: She's projecting because she cheated on her ex.

Sabito: Hm. Well the rest of your family, sans your grandma, seems pretty up in arms about it too.

Murata: Uncle is also projecting. The rest of them, I don't care, I think it's funny when they're confused.

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Random Demon Slayer: How are you settling in at the Water State now that you're officially adopted?

Inosuke, with a confused face: What do you mean? I'm not adopted.

Random Demon Slayer: ..What? No, you were adopted-

Inosuke: Half-n-half Haori gave birth to me.

Giyuu, behind Inosuke, nodding: Obviously.

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Sanemi, on his 13th attempt to sneak out of the mansion to go on patrol with the flu and walking pneumonia: I didn't "lose" my spleen. To lose something is to imply you don't know where it is, and I know exactly where my spleen is; it just isn't in my body-

Shinobu, tired™ and armed with a tranquilizer: Even so, Sanemi, I must insist you get back into bed.

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Kagaya: I haven't seen any of the hashiras for some time.

*Outside the Ubuyashiki Mansion, you can see Sanemi with a very ugly makeup running after a laughing Uzui with the other hashiras following behind them while ignoring everyone sending looks at them because of them also wearing makeup*

*Kagaya doesn't look outside at all*

Kagaya: That probably means they're getting into trouble.

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Akaza: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture.

Most Uppermoons: Awwww-

Akaza: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything."

Most Uppermoons: Oh.

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Shizuka: How does one even do cpr on a giraffe?

Shinobu: Shizu-chan, why? Kanao, don't listen to her, just get back to bed.

Kanao, already looking for a book that may talk about it: Hyperfixation, here I go.

Sumiko: If they choke on something is that the end for them?

Aoi: You got me to send a letter to my veterinarian friend at 3 am, I hope you're happy.

Sanemi: Now I need to know too. Girls, you're grounded.

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Makomo: Hey, which do you think? Red kimono or black kimono for tonight?

Sabito: Oh, I don't know, you'll look beautiful in whatever you decide

Makomo: Thank you, but I'm actually having a hard time deciding and i was hoping you could pick

Sabito: either way you're gonna be the prettiest one at the festival babe, I love you so much

Makomo: Okay no- I love you too and I know you think I'm beautiful and this isn't a test. I just, which kimono would you prefer to see me in tonight?

Sabito: I prefer you just the way you are

Makomo, stepping out of his room: Oh my god- HEY GIYUU! Red kimono or black kimono!?

Giyuu, from other side of the estate: Black, red makes you look like a bitch

Makomo: Thank you!

Giyuu: No problem!

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Giyuu, entering his estate: Hello people who do not live here.

Kanae, playing a board game with Makomo: Hey

Murata, reading a book: 'Sup

Sabito, cleaning his katana: Hello

Uzui, raiding the kitchen: Yo

Gyomei, praying in front of Tsukato's altar: Hi

Giyuu: I gave you all a spare key for emergencies only

Makomo: We were bored.

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Giyuu, writing a letter: Dear Kanae, I need you to come to the Water State at your earliest convenience. Signed, Tomioka Giyuu.

Kanae, writing back: Dear Giyuu, I will be there within the next hours. Signed, Kocho Kanae.

———————

Sumiko, writing a letter: Meet me and Shizu in 30.

Butterfly Triplets, writing back: Done.

———————

Inosuke, shouting out the window: YO KENTA!

Genya, five minutes later: It's Genya!

———————

Aoi, at a normal volume: Zenitsu.

Zenitsu, a minute later looking through the door: Yes, Aoi?

———————

Senjuro: ...

Yuichiro, a second later: Did you call for me?

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Shinobu: Alright, raise your hand if you thought I was dating Giyuu.

*everyone but Giyuu and her nieces raise their hand*

Shinobu: ...

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*Shizuka being one of the richest people in the Corps due to her parents being both hashira and spoiling her*

Shizuka: I want that! Mama Giyuu, give me money please!

Giyuu: Here, darling *hands it over and kisses her forehead*

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Zenitsu: I just feel so tired ya know? For no goddamn reason. I was fine this morning. Had an alright of sleep as well.

Aoi, no hesitation: Depression.

Zenitsu, blinking: Oh, yeah!

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Sumiko: Mama Giyuu! Can you make us mango sticky rice again, please?!

Giyuu, who had been training with the other male hashiras: In a bit, dear.

Sumiko: Yay! I will tell Shizu!

Giyuu, grabbing his things: I will be leaving now

Sanemi: Don't fucking make any thing else for them! We are having dinner at Shinobu's

Giyuu: Okay *leaves*

Obanai: ...

Kyojuro: Haha! I didn't know you and Tomioka were together!

Sanemi: What the fuck?! We aren't!

Muichiro, confused: But...isn't the little girl your daughter?

Sanemi: Of fucking course she is!

Uzui: Oh! You guys weren't hashiras at the time...and never were in the same room as Giyuu and the twins before

Sanemi: What?

Gyomei: I believe that what Uzui is trying to say is that none of them know about how Giyuu came to be called that by your daughters or heard it happen before

Sanemi: Oh...

Obanai: So?

Sanemi: Tch! It started with my late wife...

*a few years ago*

Kanae: Waah! You are an angel sent from heaven, Giyuu!

Giyuu: ...I just accepted to help with the twins as you are injured and Shinazugawa can't be here all the time

Kanae: Giyuu, you are amazing with the girls! You are basically a natural mother with how easy you are able to calm them down and help them!

Giyuu: I'm...not that good with them?

Sanemi: Tch! Kanae is right, it takes us at least two to three hours to make Sumiko fall asleep and you did it in minutes.

Giyuu: Oh...

Kanae: See! Nemi agrees with me! I'm sure he also agrees you make a great mother!

Giyuu: ...but I'm no one's mother?

Kanae/Sanemi: Say that to the younger slayers

Giyuu, confused: ...Eh? What do you mean? No one sees me as such.

Sanemi, facepalming: You are so fucking oblivious sometimes

Kanae: I have decided! From today onward Shizu-chan and Miko-chan will call you Mama Giyuu!

Giyuu: ...What?

Sanemi: ...What the fuck Kanae?

Kanae: It's the best solution for this!

Sanemi, looks at his wife and then throws his hands up: ...I give up

Kanae, kissing Sanemi: I love you too, love

Giyuu: I'm...just going to prepare the food for the girls... *leaves*

*back to present*

Sanemi: And Kanae got them to call Giyuu that and even after her death...we never saw a reason to make them stop when Giyuu has always been like another parent to them.

Obanai: Uh...that's unexpected

Kyojuro: Haha! That was an amazing story!

Muichiro: ...He does act like a parent to me sometimes

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Yuichiro: You can't make everyone like you. You're not Kokushibo-sama.

Sekido: Not everyone likes Kokushibo-sama, though.

Kaigaku: Who doesn't like him?

Sekido: No one, I just-

Kaigaku: We need names, Sekido.

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Kanae: Why is there blood everywhere?

Shinobu: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife.

Kanae: You stabbed someone?!

Shinobu: No, no. I aggressively poked someone with a knife.

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Genya: For god's sake Senjuro, we've already been over this! Our mission is incredibly delicate, and serious. We need to focus! You can't just keep trying to seduce every demon you meet along the way!

Senjuro: Of course I can't, I'm not stupid.

Genya: ...I'm glad you understand. Now, can we please-

Senjuro: Doesn't mean I can't try though.

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Giyuu: A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn't get into a single argument all day.

Sabito: Who burnt the Christmas tree?!

Sumi: It was Naho!

Naho: You little liar, it was not!

Murata: What a pointless waste of time this season is.

Makomo: What?! You better not be talking shit about my favorite holiday—

Tanjiro: WHO ATE THE COOKIES I MADE?!

Kiyo, with crumbs on her face: You know, I saw Nezuko-chan sneak inside the kitchen a little while ago—

Nezuko, also with crumbs on her face: How DARE you imply that I did such a thing!

Urokodaki, drinking a spiked hot chocolate: Maybe next year, we'll get a miracle.

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Kanae: My husband said he did a double take of me when he first met me but I've also seen him do a double take of a free pile of dirt

Shinobu: Wait, FREE dirt?

Uzui: Where was the free dirt, do you think it's still there?

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Giyuu: So, how did your date with Murata go?

Sabito: It went great, until I tried to compliment him. I wanted to say, "You have the most wonderful smile. Your eyes are gorgeous."

Giyuu: What happened then?

Sabito: He smiled at me, and I froze.

Makomo: He said, "You have eyes."

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Tanjiro: I don't want to be adopted by anyone. Mitsuri-san asked and I had to buy her an ice cream cause I felt bad for saying no.

Inosuke: Ha, at least no one tried anymore, right? Zenitsu and I have a betting pool, so please tell me they hate you

Tanjiro: Haha. I mean, Giyuu-san kinda seems like they want to? They pretty much tackled me into a hug and made me regret drinking coffee-

Inosuke: Backtrack. Backtrack. Half-n-half Haori. Wants to adopt you.

Tanjiro: I mean, yeah, but of course I said no-

Inosuke: HALF-N-HALF HAORI. WANTS TO ADOPT US.

Tanjiro: I don't see how this relates to you but-

Inosuke, shouting for everyone to hear him: EVERYBODY GRAB YOUR THINGS! HALF-N-HALF HAORI IS ADOPTING US!

- - - - -

Giyuu, proudly showing off pictures of his newly adopted kids: And this is my strong Inosuke. My beloved Nezuko. My sweet Tanjiro, and my shared son Zenitsu, and my cute Genya, and my sweetheart Senjuro. They enjoy chaos and a variety of food.

Kokushibo, taking this as an obvious challenge, taking out his family's album: This are my children Kaigaku and Yuichiro. Their favorite hobby is fighting and playing pranks on the other demons.

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Sanemi: You might not know this, Kanae, but I am a flawed person.

Kanae: I do know that. But I still love you.

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Sabito/Makomo: *asking Murata out*

Urokodaki, Giyuu and the slayers from their Final Selection: *watching them from afar while clapping hands*

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Akaza: Does Cthulhu count as 'something old'? Asking for a friend.

Kyojuro: Please do not raise old gods, new gods, borrowed gods, or blue gods.

Yuichiro: It's your wedding day, Akaza-san, you raise whatever the hell you want.

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Gyomei, to Kokushibo: Is gravity bothering you? Here, let me help.

Gyomei: *sweeps Kokushibo off his feet*

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Kaigaku: Wanna play 20 questions?

Gyutaro: Sure, what's your favorite color?

Kaigaku: Peach, are you into guys?

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Shinobu: Can we all do something without it turning into chaos and madness?

Rengoku, stuck on the ceiling: Actually, I think this game-bonding night has been more tame than last time!

Mitsuri, hanging from the light: Me too!

Obanai, drenches in syrup and feathers: Mhm

Uzui, hanging upside down on the wall, slurring: Yeah...

Muichiro, face-down on the table: *thumbs up*

Sanemi, sitting beside a bear plushie on a nearby couch: Yeah. Sure.

Giyuu, wearing clown make-up: Guys I think Gyomei needs a doctor, he's been passed out for 10 minutes after he kept talking about 'internal bleeding'.

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Kanae, trying to get Giyuu to try new things: Come on, Giyuu, don't you wanna live?

Giyuu: It comes and goes.

Kanae: That's...

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Random Person: So, how would you describe your relationship with the younger slayers?

Shinobu: *long, long, long, long sigh* Idiot kids.

Sanemi: Don't get me started

Shinobu: To clarify, I'm not talking about Kanao or Aoi.

Rengoku: *wordlessly pulls up sleeve to reveal "I-heart-my brother" tattoo on his bicep*

Sanemi: I have sympathy for Shinobu because she has to heal them after they do something stupid but Genya, he, he thinks things through, and then he STILL does those things even if they're HORRIBLE IDEAS—

Obanai: *chugs coffee, slams cup down so hard it breaks* Bold of you to assume I'm close to any of them

Muichiro: Not family, but definitely close friends.

Sanemi: —reckless, ridiculously self-sacrificing, no regard for his own safety—

Giyuu, dead serious, no hesitation: They are my children

Obanai: Wha-

Demon Slayers: *chanting, while holding up posters that say a variation of 'Giyuu is the best parent!'* GIYUU GIYUU GIYUU GIYUU

Sanemi: —can't even leave him alone for two minutes because he goes and loses his contacts/glasses in the middle of a fight—

Gyomei: I'd like to say we're blood-brothers bound through the problems of raising the younger slayers because that sounds neat, but honestly, Giyuu and I, we're—we're fire-forged coworkers.

Mitsuri: I can neither confirm nor deny that I bought Nezuko-chan a Universe's Best Kid mug

Sanemi, staring vacantly into space: I'm so underpaid

Uzui: No comment

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Shinobu: I don't know, just...believe in yourself or whatever.

Murata: Believe in myself? The same person who got me into this mess?

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Douma: Kokushibo-sama, who's your favorite?

Kokushibo, without hesitation: Yuichiro

Douma: ...Okay you're second fav-

Kokushibo: Kaigaku, Akaza, Gyutaro, Daki, Nakime, Hantengu, Gyokko

Douma: Ninth?

Kokushibo:

Kokushibo: *walks away*

Douma: Hey, what did I do?!

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Kyojuro: *bursts into the hashira meeting, out of breath* Everyone... Everyone get out!

Shinobu: Kyojuro, you can't just kick the gate off its hinges and scream at us!

Kyojuro: There's a new buffet in town! And I got us...*pulls out a piece of paper* a coupon for FREE EVERYTHING!

Hashiras+Ubuyashiki Family: ...

Mitsuri: *grabbing Obanai and Giyuu* Everyone move, the food won't eat itself!!!

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Zenitsu: Go fish.

Tanjiro: I thought we were playing blackjack?

Kanao: I'm playing hearts...

Aoi: *banging head against the table*

Inosuke: *on the table* CHECKMATE!

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Giyuu: I just don't know how to respond when someone compliments me

Uzui: Hey, Giyuu! You look nice today!

Giyuu: Gyomei is bisexual

Chapter Text

Random Person: We wrote a letter to your parent and -

Sumiko: Which one?

Random Person: Excuse me?

Shizuka: We have three parents.

Sumiko/Shizuka: Which one did you write to?

*meanwhile*

Sanemi, Kanae & Giyuu: *outside*

Kanae: Okay, which one of us is going in?

Chapter Text

Random Person: Have you ever met someone that was sunshine in human form?

Kanao, thinking about Tanjiro: Yes

Chapter Text

Kiyo: I want a knife.

Sabito: Okay, what mark? Model? Shape? Size and colour?

Murata: Don't you dare, Takada Sabito!

Chapter Text

Murata: Sumi what do you have there?

Sumi, screaming: A knife!

Murata: NO!

*later*

Murata: Why would you give Sumi a knife?

Sabito: Why wouldn't I give Sumi a knife?

Makomo: Fair.

Murata: *gives her the stink eye*

Naho & Kiyo, from somewhere: Can I have a knife?

Murata: NO!

Chapter Text

Hotaru: Is this the part where you tell me that if I hurt him you'll kill me?

Kokushibo: No, if you hurt Akaza, he is perfectly capable of killing you himself.

Chapter Text

Douma, Kaigaku & Akaza: *snowball fight*

Yuichiro, Daki, Gyutaro, Nakime & Gyokko: *build snowmen shaped like Hantengu and his clones who are posing for them*

Kokushibo: *inside drinking hot cocoa while watching them*

Chapter Text

*Kamaboko Squad are each presented with a locked door*

Senjuro: *finds the key*

Kanao: *picks the lock*

Inosuke: *kicks the door down*

Tanjiro/Genya: *knocks*

Zenitsu/Aoi: *stares at the door and contemplates the live choices that led them there*

Nezuko: *sits down, leans against the door and falls asleep*

Chapter Text

Sanemi: You're going to need to harness your repressed rage.

Shinobu: I don't have any!

Chapter Text

Uzui: Why must you always insult me?

Makio: That's called being a good and attentive partner. Calling out the dumbass things your dumbass partner does.

Chapter Text

Kaigaku, talking about Gyutaro: Today's the day, I'm gonna ask him out.

Daki: Okay, just be yourself.

Yuichiro: But not too much.

Chapter Text

Shizuka: *trying to sleep* Why are you poking me with a stick?

Sumiko: I'm prodding the sheets in order to determine whether or not Naho, Sumi and Kiyo are in there with you.

Kiyo: *popping her head out from under the covers* We are!

Chapter Text

Giyuu: I am 100% capable of controlling my emotions.

Shinobu: You literally cried yesterday for an hour because Yuichiro and Muichiro smiled at you.

Giyuu, crying: yOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT, SHINOBU-

Chapter Text

Hotaru: Wait, are we fighting or flirting right now?

Akaza: I'll fucking punch you.

Hotaru:

Hotaru: You know, that doesn't really clear things up.

Chapter Text

Gyokko: Urogi! Douma!

Douma: What is it this time?

Urogi: It's too early for your nonsense...

Gyokko: Akaza is getting hit on!

*smash cut to all of them running in the same direction*

Douma: FORMATION B!

Chapter Text

Senjuro: I'm dating Yuichiro.

Muichiro: I always knew your standards were low, but not that low.

Chapter Text

Genya: Zenitsu, whatever happens I just need you to know something: this is for your own good.

Zenitsu: What?

Aoi: *shoves Zenitsu into a closet with Tanjiro and Kanao and shuts it*

Chapter Text

Senjuro: I admit I have scary dog privilege, although my dog is not an animal it's a demon and his name is Yuichiro

Yuichiro, the said dog ready to kill anyone who looks bad in Senjuro's direction: ...

Chapter Text

Police Officer, trying to get a statement about an attack nearby the house to locate and arrest Yuichiro: And what's your name young man?

Yuichiro: Yuithony.

Police Officer: ... Uh... Okay and you?

Kaigaku: Kaithony.

Police Officer, squinting: Right... And you Miss?

Daki: Umethony.

Police Officer: Mhm... Let me guess you lot are-

Gyutaro: Gyuthony

Nakime: Nakthony.

Gyokko: Gyothony.

Hantengu: Hanthony.

Sekido: Sekthony.

Karaku: Karathony.

Aizetsu: Aithony.

Urogi: Urothony.

Zohakuten: Zothony.

Urami: Urathony

Police Officer: Sir please tell your siblings it's wrong to obstruct an investigation.

Akaza: Yes, children, please. Behave.

Police Officer: Thank you. What's your name sir?

Akaza: ...Hakuthony.

Police Officer: I QUIT, THATS IT, I NO LONGER WISH TO EXIST ON THIS PLANET.

Yuichiro: *high fives Akaza*

Chapter Text

Kaigaku: Your last name sucks.

Gyutaro: I know, but why do you think so?

Kaigaku: It doesn't suit you. You should change it.

Gyutaro: To what?

Kaigaku: Inadama.

Kaigaku: *walks away*

Gyutaro: ...

Gyutaro: Did he just propose to me?

Chapter Text

Obanai: How come you stopped calling me stuff like "darling"?

Mitsuri: You don't remember what happened last time? I called you "baby" and you passed out.

Obanai: How else am I supposed to react?

Chapter Text

Hotaru: Did it hurt?

Akaza: Did what hurt?

Hotaru: When you broke through the earth's crust and ascended from hell?

Akaza: ...

Hotaru: ...

Akaza: I will give you a point for being original with that one

Chapter Text

Giyuu: So, what are we doing on our day off?

Uzui: I think we should start a cult

Gyomei: Reasonable ideas?

Kanae: No, put the cult on the maybe pile

Chapter Text

*Nezuko tries to untangle her hair*

Genya: May I comb it for you?

Nezuko: Hmmm?

Genya: I want to comb it for you

Nezuko: Okay

*Nezuko takes a seat as Genya tenderly combs her tangled locks, Nezuko hums in contentment*

Genya: How does it look?

Nezuko: Amazing. Thank you, Genya.

Chapter Text

Shinobu: I'm short but knowing.

Uzui: You don't even know what the top shelf looks like

Chapter Text

Shinobu: Hey, Rengoku-san! Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. Which organ would you like for Valentine's Day?

Uzui: Gross, Shinobu, that's completely inappropriate—

Kyojuro: I have always wanted to dissect a liver. Would that be feasible?

Uzui: ...

Shinobu: I think he's my soulmate.

Chapter Text

Akaza: If anyone is feeling anxious or worried or even if you just want to chat, please, please do not come crying to me.

Aizetsu: ...

Yuichiro: ...

Kaigaku: ...

Gyokko: ...

Daki: ...

Nakime: ...

Kotetsu: *sniffles*

Akaza: Oh, come here baby.

Chapter Text

Yuichiro: Hey, Nezuko, we need your help with an April Fools' Day prank.

Nezuko: But April Fools' Day was yesterday...

Kaigaku: Those were just your generic, perfunctory, run-of-the-mill April Fools' Day pranks.

Yuichiro: We're pulling all our real pranks today, now that everyone's guard is down.

Chapter Text

Douma: Akaza-sama if I was the last being in the entire galaxy would you date me then?

Akaza: If you were the last being I wouldn't exist

Douma:

Douma: Fuck

Chapter Text

*At Murata, Sabito and Makomo's wedding*

Giyuu, making a speech: We're gathered here to celebrate Murata's marriage.

Giyuu: And I have only one thing left to say to him.

Giyuu: I implore you to rethink your choice. There's still time to run. It's not too late.

Sabito: ...

Makomo: ...

Kanae, wiping his eyes: That was beautiful 

Chapter Text

Senjuro: Be gay, do crime

Shizuka: No, be gay, stop crime

Nezuko: Be Bi, stay free thanks to legal loopholes

Sanemi/Kyojuro: What the-

Giyuu: Be Pan, learn to hide all evidence

Chapter Text

Senjuro: Embracing my demons

Gyomei: French kissing them

Hotaru: Might fuck them

Chapter Text

Zohakuten: Listen, I'm older than the rest of you...

Sumiko: And old.

Naho: And older.

Zohakuten: And with age has come wisdom.

Shizuka: Weight.

Kiyo: Greyness.

Sumi: And weight.

Chapter Text

Shinobu: Last night was pretty crazy, right?

Giyuu: Hm.

Uzui: That is how you celebrate winning against Muzan! Go big or go home!

Muichiro: ...Go big like Giyuu-san went?

*Giyuu freezes as he whole face goes red*

Shinobu: What do you mean Muichiro-kun?

Muichiro: Were you that drunk and focused on Rengoku-san's muscles to not remember?

Shinobu, blushing but trying to hide it: Ara ara, I don't know what you are talking about

Uzui: Ha! I always knew that you liked my best friend!

Shinobu: That isn't what we are talking about, Uzui-san *grabs Giyuu who was trying to make his way out of there*

Uzui: Oh, right! What does out dear Muichiro meant, Giyuu?

Giyuu: ...Nothing

Muichiro: Sure...it certainly was nothing

Giyuu: 'Just shut up!'

Shinobu: Either you tell us or we ask dear Muichiro-kun, Giyuu-kun

Giyuu, looking to the side and refusing to say anything or glance at them: ...

Uzui: Is that your choice?

*Giyuu ignores him*

Shinobu: Then *turns to Muichiro* can you explain what you meant with Giyuu-kun going big last night?

Muichiro: Well...I saw him in Sanemi-san's lap, kissing Mitsuri-san, whispering something to Obanai-san that made him look like a tomato and then I saw the four of them go to a room together.

Uzui: Oh, that's very interesting~

Uzui: But they probably went to sleep in the same room

Muichiro: ... *points at something in Giyuu's neck* Do you get hickeys by sleeping near others?

Uzui: ...

Shinobu: ...Ara ara, I didn't know you were such a flirt when drunk Giyuu-kun

Giyuu, whispering in such a way that Uzui was only able to hear thanks to his super audition: ...I wasn't drunk

Uzui: ...YOU WEREN'T DRUNK?

*cue Giyuu getting himself free from Shinobu and running away so he doesn't have to answer any questions or be teased*

Shinobu, running after Giyuu with Uzui to get gossip: You won't be free from our questions, Tomioka Giyuu!

Muichiro: ...Should I have told them that Gyomei-san also went to a room with the demon who saved my twin? Oh, well...I'm sure they will find out later.

Chapter Text

Aoi: We are reunited here today to announce that this will be our last meeting

Muichiro: ...Last meeting of what again?

Senjuro: Eh? It is the last meeting? Then...does that mean that-

Genya: Yes, they are finally together!

Senjuro: I'm so happy for them!

Muichiro: Congrats...I think?

Aoi: It was a pleasure to have you all here to help us get Kamado Tanjiro, Tsuyuri Kanao and Agatsuma Zenitsu together but since today on wards the Getting TanKanaZen Group is disbanded.

Chapter Text

Makio: I found that I have been happier ever since I changed from drinking coffee in the morning to orange juice.

Makio: Doctors say it's the vitamin-C, I personally think it's the vodka.

Chapter Text

Sumiko: I need one of you to volunteer to do something outrageously insane that will either make you cease to exist or be really fun.

Kiyo: That's most of the things we've done.

Chapter Text

Daki: I'm fine.

Nakime: No you're not, you've been stabbed!

Daki: But I've been stabbed before, so it's fine.

Nakime: You don't just develop immunity to stab wounds!

Chapter Text

Mitsuri: So, uh... What did we learn?

Obanai: I don't know. Nothing?

Sanemi: I guess we learned not to do it again. I'm fucked if I know what we did, though.

Chapter Text

Mitsuri: Well of course I'm here to celebrate this occasion with you. Why else would I be here?

*Shinobu staring as Mitsuri continues to put food from the table into her bag*

Chapter Text

Senjuro: And this is a baby jumping spider.

Kotetsu: You're telling me this shit jumps babies??

Chapter Text

Gyokko: I'm a wanted man.

Sekido: That's impossible. You weren't even a wanted child.

Chapter Text

Yuichiro: Is he acting strange?

Akaza: It's Douma, who can tell?

Chapter Text

Uzui: My good sir, thank you for meeting me here.

Kyoujuro: This is my estate.

Uzui: Well, thank you for inviting me.

Kyoujuro: You asked to come over.

Chapter Text

Genya: I made a cake! It's not the best though...

Zenitsu: Well at least you tried, but never try again.

Senjuro: You can chase your dreams, just not this one.

Aoi: There's always room for improvement, just not in this room.

Chapter Text

Yuichiro: You're all just overreacting.

Aizetsu: No, we're actually NOT.

Daki: We want a compensation for all the damages your April fool's pranks has done to us.

Gyokko: And by compensation we mean money.

Zohakuten: So pay up.

Kaigaku: Y'all are way too dramatic.

Yuichiro: Since when did any of our pranks ever inflict emotional trauma.

Enmu: We have a list.

Rui: It's alphabetical.

Chapter Text

*after doing something he shouldn't have done and will make Muzan angry*

Douma: Anyone else have the weird urge to lecture themselves?

Douma, as Kokushibo: Douma, what are you doing?

Kokushibo, appearing from behind Douma: Douma, what are you doing?

Douma: I conjured him.

Chapter Text

Kanao: So, an octopus can change colour to mimic its surroundings. When octopus do this it's called-

Genya: An octo-lie

Kanao: Metachrosis

Genya: ...

Kanao: ...

Genya: Mocktopus

Chapter Text

Random cat: Meow.

Gyomei: You sly bastard, I would have never thought of that.

Giyuu: I'm sorry, can he actually speak cat or is he just messing with us?

Kanae: Knowing Gyomei...it may very well be both.

Chapter Text

Kiriya: "Theory" is when you know everything and nothing works. "Practice" is when everything works but no one knows why. In our party, theory and practice are combined.

Kotetsu, looking at a burning building: Nothing works and no one knows why.

Chapter Text

Senjuro: I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face.

Yuichiro: ...

Yuichiro: I like you.

Chapter Text

Giyuu: I CAN'T DO IT!

Kanae, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!

Kazutora: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE

Kanae: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.

Giyuu: ...

Giyuu: I appreciate it,

Giyuu: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-

Gyomei: Giyuu-

Giyuu: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!

Gyomei: Giyuu we gotta-

Giyuu: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.

Giyuu: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'

Giyuu, motioning to the cult the demon they killed had: NOT FUCKING THIS

Chapter Text

Kyojuro: Carpe Diem - seize the day.

Obanai: Carpe Noctem - seize the night.

Uzui: Carpe Natem - seize the ass.

Shinobu: Seriously, if you guys don't stop saying this I am going to carpe someone's neck and break it.

Sanemi: Carpe Collum - seize the neck.

Chapter Text

Kagaya's Mother: What do you wanna be when you grow up, Kagaya? I'm sure you will be able to achieve any of your dreams.

Kagaya: I wanna go...BOOM!!!

Kagaya's Mother: ...Maybe not that one...hopefully.

Chapter Text

Kanae: I'm really bothered that gay marriage is still illegal in some places because some people "don't like it". Like, I don't like beans, but THEY AREN'T ILLEGAL ARE THEY?

Giyuu: What's wrong with you, beans are delicious!

Gyomei: Gay people are delicious too

Kanae: No dessert for you until you eat all your gays

Uzui, just walking in: w-what?

Sanemi, deadpan: Shut up and eat your gays.

Chapter Text

Muichiro: *staring out the house's window*

Giyuu: What are you doing?

Muichiro: I have finished reading my new book and have nothing to do so I'm watching two idiots fight outside. They look ridiculous, I'm happy I don't know them

Giyuu: *looks out the window*

Giyuu: That's Genya and Inosuke.

Chapter Text

Shizuka: I'm going on a date.

Sumi, mumbling: Good for you.

Shizuka: "Good for us." I'll pick you up at 6.

Chapter Text

Naho: I wish I had a prince to be my boyfriend!

Kanata: Your wish is granted.

*Kiriya appears*

Naho: ...What the hell?

Chapter Text

*Kaigaku and Gyutaro  are fighting again*

Daki, separating them: You both need to calm down!

Gyutaro: Then tell him to play with my dick, not with my feelings.

Kaigaku: Tell that bastard to get on my dick, not on my nerves.

Daki: ...

Daki: ARE YOU TWO EVEN FIGHTING?

Chapter Text

Hotaru: Did you tell anybody that me and Akaza are engaged?

Kotetsu: Yes, Hotaru-san, I have no self-control and I told the whole village that you and Akaza are engaged.

Hotaru: Okay, no need to be sarcastic.

Kotetsu: No, seriously, I have no self-control and I told the whole village that you and Akaza are engaged.

Chapter Text

Urokodaki: *meets Sanemi*

Urokodaki: *meets Mitsuri*

Urokodaki: *meets Obanai*

Urokodaki: Do you have any lover that doesn't have mental/emotional issues or may have hated you at some point of your life?

Giyuu: Um...No?

Chapter Text

Aizetsu, before Yuichiro & Senjuro's wedding: Yuichiro, you look most beautiful... OH NO! According to tradition I am not supposed to see you before the ceremony!

Yuichiro: No, that's the Groom.

Aizetsu, panicking: I SAW HIM TOO!?

Chapter Text

Douma: *reading Gyutaro's diary*

Gyutaro: Douma-san, what the hell are you doing in my room?

Douma: Shhh be quiet I'm reading. It's a very good book. It's a rivals to lovers

Gyutaro: Douma-san, that is NOT a book-

Douma: Damn, this guy is so in love with Kaigaku

Chapter Text

Shinjuro: So what are your interests, girl?

Shinobu: Your son in my room.

Shinjuro, taken aback: Pardon?

Shinobu: The poisons and illnesses, medicine.

Chapter Text

Kanao: Ugh, crushes are so dumb.

Zenitsu: I know. Whenever I'm near the person I like I just start acting stupid.

Tanjiro: But you're always acting stupid?

Zenitsu: ...

Zenitsu: Yeah, don't think about that too hard.

Chapter Text

Genya: I sleep with a gun under my pillow.

Inosuke: I sleep hugging my katanas!

Zenitsu: Both of you are pathetic.

Inosuke: Oh yeah? What do you sleep with?

Zenitsu: Hearing everything everyone is doing...that's more scary and traumatic than even demons.

Chapter Text

Uzui: Do you love Mitsuri?

Giyuu: Yeah, I do.

Uzui: Shinobu! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks!

Shinobu: We all love Mitsuri. You should've asked if they were IN love with them.

Giyuu: I thought that was implied.

Shinobu: ...

Uzui: ...

Giyuu, looking straight at Shinobu: Congrats Uzui, you just won 100 bucks.

Chapter Text

Kiyo: I want to be an adult!

Murata: I assure you, you do not.

Chapter Text

Nezuko: I put a little note in your bag to tell you how much me and Mui love you.

Genya, opening his bag: This is a 10 page letter.

Chapter Text

Urokodaki: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.

Giyuu, Makomo & Sabito: Okay.

Urokodaki: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.

Sabito: Bold of you to assume I have money.

Giyuu: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.

Makomo: Bold of you to assume I can die.

Chapter Text

Hinatsuru: You're going to be a great father, Tengen.

Uzui: How can you be so sure?

Makio: Because we'll be there to kick your ass if you aren't.

Chapter Text

Shizuka: Just say hi to her!

Sumiko: No! Absolutely not!

Shizuka: But-

Kiyo: Hey.

Sumiko: I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU-

Chapter Text

Kyojuro: Was I the last one to find out Shinoby is in love with me?

Giyuu: Yeah, all the way back to when you two were still training.

Gyomei: Yes.

Sanemi: Yeah!

Aoi: Duh. We held meeting planning how to get you guys to notice your feelings all the time.

Kanao: Mhm.

Ghost Kanae: Yep.

Giyuu: If I can make you feel any better, Shinobu was the last person to know that you also had feelings for her.

Shinobu, embarrassed: Shut up!

Chapter Text

Zenitsu: Is this about me dating Tanjiro and Kanao?

Nezuko/Shinobu: You're dating my brother/sister?!

Aoi: Real smooth, Zenitsu...

Chapter Text

Akaza: If a demon slayer came up to you and was like 'I need to have intercourse with you to save everyone dear to us', what would you do?

Kokushibo: Is it Gyomei?

Douma: Yeah, it's Gyomei.

Kokushibo: Then yes, I would do it

Chapter Text

Sekido: So, given Obanai's attraction to Mitsuri-

Obanai: Wait, how do you know that?

Sekido: Uh, I have eyes?

Chapter Text

Douma: It's illegal to be cuter than me.

Akaza: We're all going to jail then.

Chapter Text

Giyuu: Since it's your birthday, I'll let you have one wish. As long as it's within my capability.

Mitsuri: ...

Mitsuri: Marry me.

Chapter Text

Mitsuri: Oh look, we're under a mistletoe.

Obanai: *looks up* Mitsuri, that is not a mistletoe.

*later that night*

Obanai: *wakes up at 4am* Oh my- ! She was flirting with me!

Chapter Text

*Obanai realizes Mitsuri's love for him is mutual*

Obanai: SANEMI

Obanai: HELP ME

Obanai: I...DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Chapter Text

Kanae: Being in love with Sanemi is not always cute or romantic. sometimes it's pushing his face away because you have viral bronchitis and he keeps trying to kiss you knowing this because he has no sense of self-preservation.

Kanae: Update, Sanemi got bronchitis! You'll never guess how.

Chapter Text

Kotetsu, to Akaza: Don't worry, Hotaru-san likes you a lot. I know because I read his diary. He also likes your ass and thinks your hair is cute.

Akaza: He thinks it's cute?

Chapter Text

Shinobu: I don't know why my friends keep talking about how intense marriage proposals are. It took me like two seconds to convince Kyojuro to marry me.

Kaigaku: I knew I wanted to marry Gyutaro, then Daki showed up at my room, and six days later I was at a church. The rest feels like a blur.

Inosuke: *smirks* I didn't even have to convince Aoi. She convinced me.

Hotaru: *stares at the ceiling and whispers* Lucky bastards!

Chapter Text

Hinatsuru: I think this top is a little too revealing.

Makio: So true busty- I mean breasty- FUCK!

Chapter Text

Sanemi: Morning Giyuu, you look beautiful today!

Giyuu: Good morning, Sane-

Sanemi: April Fools!

Giyuu: ...okay.

Sanemi: You look beautiful everyday!

Giyuu, smiling softly: ...okay.

Chapter Text

Sumiko: This is my dad, Sanemi.

Sumiko: This is my late mom, Kanae.

Sumiko: This is my other mom, Giyuu.

Sumiko: This is my other other mom, Mitsuri.

Sumiko: This is my other other other mom, Obanai.

Chapter Text

Daki, to Gyutaro after seeing Nakime in her wedding dress: What to do when you are crying again because women are so pretty?

Chapter Text

Mitsuri: *explaining something she saw when she went out* Are you tired? I can stop now.

Sanemi, stifling his yawns: No no, pls continue *continues to stare at her lovingly*

Chapter Text

Kyojuro, about Shinobu: She's a charming woman

Obanai: A 'charming woman'? Are you Jane Austen now?

Chapter Text

*playing a board game*

Tanjiro: You ready?

Muichiro: Yeah...

Tanjiro, reading a card: "Mention three famous historical monuments"

Muichiro: My wife, my husb...

Tanjiro: That! You won!

Chapter Text

Nakime: I don't sweat.

Akaza: Everyone sweats.

Daki: Not Nakime. She never sweats.

Zohakuten: What do you mean, "she never sweats"?

Nakime: Sweating is gross, so I don't do it.

Chapter Text

Yuichiro: Wow, you're all dressed up, where you heading?

Kokushibo: The Stone Estate.

Yuichiro & Kaigaku: ...

Kokushibo: I need to make a good impression on the cats

Chapter Text

Gyokko: I'm home!

Douma, in nothing but an apron: Welcome back! Do you want lunch or... do you want me?

Gyokko, without hesitation: I'll have lunch.

Douma, mumbles angrily: Idonwannamakeit:(

Chapter Text

Gyokko: Douma, can you pay for this for me?

Douma: Oh, sure.

Yuichiro: Hold on, he can't just pay for you!

Douma, offended: Why not? I'm Gyokko's husband, I get him anything he likes.

Akaza: We're playing Monopoly!!

Chapter Text

Douma: Where are you going?

Gyokko: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!

Douma: I told you I did! Its not my fault it will only be finished on Friday!

Kaigaku, knowing full well that Douma got Gyokko an engagement ring: *eating some bloody candy*

Chapter Text

Giyuu: The difference between us is that I do nothing to try to hide my clinginess while you pretend it's a coincidence that you're in the same room as me 97% of the time.

Obanai: The fact that I'm laying on you means nothing.

Chapter Text

Gyomei: I’m so clumsy today. I keep bumping into things. I have so many bruises, it’s not even funny

Kanae/Giyuu: *knowing they broke into Gyomei's estate in the middle of the night to move all his furniture exactly one inch to the left* Damn. That’s wild

Chapter Text

Shinobu, pointing to Kyojuro: You think he is hot? Wait until he draws out his katana, you will never believe how sexy someone fighting with a katana is until you see it

Chapter Text

Douma: Am I weird?

Gyokko: Yeah, but you're hot, so it's easier to put up with.

Chapter Text

Inosuke: Fuck me.

Inosuke: I mean...Fight me. Damn autocorrect.

Aoi: This is a verbal conversation.

Chapter Text

Aoi: The stars are so beautiful...

Inosuke: They're just giant balls of gas.

Aoi: You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then-

Inosuke: And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you.

Aoi: Oh...

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Shinobu: I know you love them.

Sanemi: I am not in love with Giyuu!

Shinobu, staring at Sanemi: I never said who...

Sanemi: *realizes*

Sanemi: Shit. Well, anyways-

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Gyokko: I'm kind of crushing on someone, but I'm worried about telling you who it is, because you're not going to like it

Akaza: Just rip the bandage off.

Gyokko: It's Douma.

Akaza: Put the bandage back on.

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Kiyo: With great boredom comes great irresponsibility

Makomo: Please tell me you're not going to taste test soaps again

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Naho: *about Kiriya* I get this weird feeling in my chest whenever I see him.

Murata:

Makomo:

Sabito: Is it heart burn?

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Obanai: Y’know, pansexuality isn’t that hard to understand. I see an attractive person, I panic. What more could you want?

Kaburamaru: Sssssssssssss(I want rats)

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Genya: I think I might have an interest in Muichiro. Although I doubt he’d feel the same way.

Muichiro: I would literally write a thousand sonnets for him. Carve his name in a blade made by only the most precious metals. Hell, I'll purchase a goddamn star for him. He can have whatever he wants, he already has my heart.

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Sanemi/Obanai/Giyuu, about his wife, Mitsuri: Our wife can crush us with her thighs. And we think that's incredibly hot

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Shinjuro: Are you going to make sure nobody picks on your brother?

Kyojuro, holding Senjuro's hand: ...mhmm, yeah

Shinjuro: You're gonna stick up for him?

Kyojuro: Y-yeah!!

Shinjuro: What is- What's the matter with him? Do you remember what it's called?

Kyojuro: Anxe-anxi-anshi-

Shinjuro: Anxiety?

Kyojuro: Anxiety!

Shinjuro: Yes.

Shinjuro: And if kids pick on your brother, what are you gonna do?

Kyojuro: ...

Kyojuro: KILL THEM!!!

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*MuraGiyuuMako are all going shopping*

Murata: Sabito, you're in charge while we go shopping are in the mall.

Sabito: Alright, I'm your man!

Giyuuu: Don't do anything stupid.

Sabito: Okay, I'm kinda your man.

Makomo: And keep the kids out of trouble.

Sabito: You need another man.

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Hantengu: Hi.

Gyokko: Hey, did you do what I said? Did you tell them?

Hantengu: I did.

Gyokko: And what did they say?

Hantengu: “Thank you.”

Gyokko: You’re welcome. What did they say?

Hantengu: They said “Thank you.” I said “I love you” and they said “Thank you.”

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Kokushibo: I need all of you to be straight with me.

Douma: *looking around at everyone* That’s going to be extremely hard for everyone here.

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Obanai: Being single is hard

Sanemi: Excuse the fuck?

Obanai: I said-

Sanemi: Yeah, I heard that

Obanai: So?

Sanemi: WE ARE MARRIED

Obanai:

Sanemi:

Obanai: But you didn't kiss me today

Sanemi: IT'S 00:01 AM

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Kanae: Why are you late?

Giyuu: A technical error occurred, causing an unexpectedly long bout of unconsciousness.

Gyomei, raising an eyebrow: Overslept?

Giyuu, sighing: Overslept.

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Akaza, as Douma walks by: *glaring* What an ass

Gyoko, staring at Douma’s ass: I know

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Nezuko: Zenitsu, isn’t it weird that you had a crush on every person in this room?

Zenitsu: Well, maybe a littl-

Aoi: You had a crush on Inosuke??

Zenitsu, blushing: Yeah, when we first met…

Kanao: Wait, you had a crush on me? How embarrassing

Zenitsu, annoyed: I have a crush on you. We are literally dating, you’re holding my hand right now

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Mitsuri: I couldn’t wish death on my worst enemies.

Shinobu: Don’t worry. I will.

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Uppermoons(-Kokushibo): *does something stupid*

Kokushibo: What absolute fucking idiots!

Kokushibo: I can't believe I'd die for them!

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Kagaya: How are you today?

Hashiras: Please don’t make me think about my life.

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Giyuu: Absolutely not.

Shizuka:

Giyuu: What did I say about batting your eyelashes at me?

Shizuka, sadly: It only works on dad, mama Mitsu and mother. 

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Yuichiro: How do I ask someone out?

Daki, implying cuddles: Roses are red, violets are blue, guess what, my bed has room for two

Yuichiro: OH MY GOD NO

Douma: Twinkle twinkle little star, we can do it in a carriage

Yuichiro: STOP IT-

Gyokko: Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily I can make you scream.

Akaza: I feel like the last one is verging dangerously into serial killer territory

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Uzui: Do you even lift bro?

Kyojuro: Do I even lift-? Yeah, I lift. I lift your fucking spirits up. How have you been? Everything okay? I miss you, Tengen. Let's grab lunch sometime.

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Tanjiro: Why do witches always want to fatten up kids before they eat them? Fat is the worst part of meat.

Genya: Hello, children. Please follow me to my magical... FITNESS ROOM! NO PANSIES ALLOWED BEYOND THIS POINT! LEAVE YOUR WHINING AT THE DOOR BECAUSE IT'S LEG DAY AND WE'RE ABOUT TO GET RIPPED!!

Aoi: Because they're always cooking those kids in cauldrons and ovens, which have long cooking times in low heat. If you do that to fatty meat, the fat melts completely and the meat gets really tender and ends up being delicious. If you do it with lean meat, the meat ends up being horrible and small.

Kanao: There's also wisdom in fattening them up on sweets and other carbs. A meatless carb-rich diet makes up for more tender and flavourful meat.

Zenitsu: You're arguing over the semantics of EATING CHILDREN!!

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Giyuu: Why should we be your friends?

Kyojuro: I'm friendly, I'm loyal, I'm energetic!

Kyojuro:

Kyojuro: I just described a dog, didn't I?

Uzui: Yes, and that is why my friend, you're hired.

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Senjuro: Family isn't who you're born with, it's who you'd die for!

Senjuro, looking at his friends: And in this case possibly "with"

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Mitsuri: Oh! He remembered.

Kyojuro: Remembered what?

Mitsuri: It was like months ago and I saw this beautiful kimono in the window. I told Sanemi it was just like the one mom had when I was a kid. I can’t believe he remembered.

Kyojuro: I can’t believe he did this.

Uzui: Come on, Sanemi? Remember when he fell in love with Kanae and bought her that expensive hairclip?

Mitsuri: What did you just say?

Uzui: hairclip?

Mitsuri: No, no, no. The love part. Sanemi loves me?

Shinobu: Well…

*Mitsuri finally realizes it*

Mitsuri: Oh my…

Uzui, rubbing his head: Oh, no, no, no.

Shinobu: That’s good. Keep rubbing your head. That’ll turn back time.

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Senjuro, pointing at Yuichiro: “I could fix him” Yeah? Well I could accept him as he is!

Hotaru, pointing at Akaza: You don’t like the arson he committed in the past? Grow up!

Gyomei, pointing at Kokushibo: The atrocities are a part of him and I've decided they’re simply in the past.

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Inosuke: Why doesn’t Aoi find me attractive when I bite my lip?

Nezuko: What do you look like when you bite your lip?

Inosuke: *bites lip*

Nezuko: ...Have you considered biting your bottom lip instead?

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*SaneObaMitsuGiyuu run into Mitsuri's ex at the farmer's market*

Mitsuri's ex :*smugly* Are you getting anything out of her? When Mitsuri and I courted, getting enjoyment out of it was like my favorite steak - rare.

Giyuu: *snorts* That's because she likes it well done.

Mitsuri's ex:

Mitsuri: *blushes*

Obanai/Sanemi: *nod in approval*

The steak:

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Yuichiro, to Hantengu: There are two wolves inside of you.

Yuichiro: One wolf finds it incredibly endearing that Tadashi, your husband, allows you to keep stealing his clothes because you slightly shorter then him.

Yuichiro: The other, however, is absolutely livid by this very same fact because you used to be taller than him when you were human and he'll never let you forget that.

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Kokushibo: Please don't look at me like that

Gyomei: Like what?

Kokushibo: Like you could love me. Like you want to learn how. It makes me hope

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Sumi: You know, we once lost Hinaki for three days after a party. We found her in a barn, curled up next to a baby goat. Isn't that right, Hinaki?

Hinaki: I named her Amaya, after mom and dad!

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Kokushibo: Where's Yuichiro?

Hantengu: Doing stuff.

Kokushibo: I don't like the sound of that, where's Nakime?

Hantengu: Trying to stop Yuichiro from doing the stuff?

Kokushibo: And Kaigaku?

Hantengu: Trying to stop Nakime from stopping Yuichiro from doing the stuff.

Kokushibo: I see, and what are you doing here?

Hantengu: I'm supposed to be stopping you from stopping Kaigaku from stopping Nakime from stopping Yuichiro from doing the stuff.

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Kyojuro: So, when are you finally gonna go out with me?

Shinobu: I dunno, when are you finally gonna ask me out?

Kyojuro: ...

*at the Rengoku house*

Shinjuro: And you just ran away?!

Kyojuro: I didn't think she would actually flirt back! *crying onto his pillow*

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Gyomei: Did you ever think we would reach this far?

Giyuu: ...No, I never even believed I would live for this long

Gyomei: Yes, it is quite surprising that we were able to defeat the monster that haunted this world for so long and be able to survive to live a peaceful life

Giyuu: I hope those we have lost are proud of us

Gyomei: They must be...but we will forever miss them

Giyuu: Hmmm, I wonder how our life would be if they were still alive

Gyomei: Who knows...but we should simply enjoy our lives to the fullest so when we meet them again, we can tell them about how how happy we were

Giyuu: Agreed.

Uzui: Hey, Giyuu! Your husbands are fighting again!

Giyuu, sighing: I'm coming! *leaves*

Gyomei: Are you feeling well, my dear?

Kokushibo, who had been sleeping in Gyomei's lap: I'm better now but still not used to being human again

Gyomei: We have time for that and I will be here beside you, my dear

Kokushibo, kissing Gyomei softly: Hm, thanks