Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 1
Consciousness came back slowly for Jay. The first thing he noticed was the beeping of the machines, accompanied by lowered voices in the room. Even though they sounded close by, he couldn’t make out what was being said. Where am I? His thoughts swirled, each one slipping away before he could grasp it. He wracked his brain, trying to think of the last thing he remembered, the last person he had seen; anything to put this situation into context, but his mind remained blank.
Next, he became aware of the IV poking into his arm, the tickling of a nasal canula wrapped behind his ears, and the thin blanket covering him. I’m at the hospital. Realization dawned on Jay but was quickly replaced by panic. What happened? How long have I been out? Does Intelligence know I’m here? Does Will? Jay noticed the beeping began to speed up, causing his breathing to become more erratic.
Suddenly, Jay felt firm hands grip his arms, acting as an anchor. Then, he heard a voice; muffled at first, as if it were far away. He strained himself, focusing now on that singular sound. As he did this, the voice became clearer, and more familiar until Jay was able to identify the speaker. Will. Jay’s brother was at his side talking to him. Relaxing, Jay clung to his brother’s voice and focused on what Will was saying.
“That’s it, Jay. Just take nice, deep breaths for me, you’ve got this.” Will’s tone was firm and soothing, and Jay found himself instinctively following his brother’s instructions. Focusing on his breathing, he began taking a few deep breaths, and soon the heart monitor’s rhythm went back to normal.
Jay felt Will’s grip on his arm loosen, but it didn’t go away entirely. Slowly, he opened his eyes. Before Jay could say anything, Will reached for the counter and grabbed a small paper cup. Jay struggled to sit upright, but his brother was there instantly, steadying him with his free hand. Will gently pressed the cup against Jay’s lips, and Jay felt cool water run down his parched throat and began to drink greedily.
“Small sips, Jay. Just take small sips.” Will whispered encouragingly. Reluctantly, Jay complied, but the cup was empty all too soon. As cool water had soothed his throat, the dull ache in his shoulder made itself known. Will took the cup from Jay and sat back down but kept his hand on Jay’s arm. “How do you feel? Be honest with me, please. How’s the shoulder?” His voice was laced with concern.
Turning his head towards his side, he finally saw his brother. Will looked like a mess—hair stuck out in every direction, red rimmed eyes, and there were dark circles underneath. How long has he been awake? Jay wondered.
“Feels like I got hit in the head with a metal pipe” Jay answered, surprised by how hoarse he sounded. “Shoulder feels a bit dull. What… what happened? How long have I been here?”
Will looked down, tears beginning to form in his eyes. “You were in surgery for a few hours. As for what happened…” Will’s voice quavered, grip tightening around Jay’s arm. Jay could see him shaking off his lingering anxiety. Taking a shaky breath, Will continued. “As for what happened, you’ll have to ask Voight or someone else from Intelligence.” He hesitated before adding “They said… you were kidnapped.” Will swallowed hard before continuing “And shot. We didn’t know if you were gonna make it.”
Kidnapped. This word hit him like a punch in the gut and for a moment he couldn’t breathe. Then a flood of memories came rushing in. Marcus. Angela. The facial recognition software. The technology that had caused this whole problem. Suddenly Jay wasn’t in the hospital anymore. He was back in the abandoned building handcuffed to the pipes. Angela was grinning at him.
Jay’s chest grew tight, and the machines began to beep faster, but he couldn’t hear them. All he could hear was the pop of Angela pulling the trigger. Pain flared in his shoulder where the bullet had ripped through.
“You deserve to die.” Angela had said those words to Jay when she had found out who he really was. She’s right. Jay repeated to himself. I should be dead. It’s my fault Marcus was killed. All my fault.
“Jay!” Will’s urgent voice and tightening grip on Jay’s good shoulder shook him out of his nightmare. Forcing himself to take a steady breath, Jay turned towards his brother. “Look at me. You’re safe, Jay. You’re alive.”
Jay watched as his brother let out a deep sigh of relief, scrubbing his face with his hand as he sat down. He must be exhausted. Jay thought as he examined Will’s body language for hints about how he was feeling. Unable to deal with not knowing any longer, Jay finally decided to be direct. “Will…” he whispered, even though his tone was gentle, Will’s head snapped up. “How are you doing? Are you…” for a moment Jay struggled to find the right word. “Are you really okay?”
Will’s eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly, but no sound came out. Suddenly he looked down, shook his head and gave a hollow laugh. “I’m fine, Jay. Let’s just focus on getting you all fixed up right now.”
But Jay could tell that Will was lying to him, lying to himself, even. He gently placed his hand over his brother’s and squeezed. “How are you? Really? Tell me the truth this time.” Jay felt like he sounded weak, but he was still too tired to put any authority in his tone.
Looking at his brother, Jay could see the inner battle going on. It hurt him to see his brother like this and be the reason behind it. Jay tried to think of something that would let Will know he could be honest but couldn’t think of anything.
After a beat, Will looked up at him with a forced smile. “I’m just tired, man. It’s been a long day.”
For a moment, the hospital room remained silent except for the beeping monitors, and neither brother knew what to say. Finally, Jay found his voice. “Thanks for being here when I woke up. It means a lot to me.”
A genuine smile crossed Will’s face. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, Jay. I’ll be by your side every step of the way.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 2
Jay was growing restless. It was only the first morning after his surgery, but he was already itching to be released from the hospital and get back to work, despite the pain in his shoulder. Lying in a hospital bed made him feel useless. Jay wanted to be back on the streets chasing suspects or in the bull pen following up on leads. Even doing paperwork would be more exciting at this point. Instead, he lay alone in the hospital room with nothing but crappy TV shows to keep him company. He had been grateful when Dr. Marcel decided that the annoying nasal canula could be removed but frustrated that he insisted that the IV poking into Jay’s arm remain.
Hearing footsteps nearing the bed, Jay turned and saw his brother, big smile on his face, balancing coffee and a to-go bag from Jay’s favorite café. He sighed inwardly. While he appreciated everything Will had done for him since the surgery, none of it was what he really wanted. Just get me out of here. Jay muttered to himself.
“Breakfast is served” Will said in a tone that was overly cheerful, in Jay’s opinion, as he placed the food on the tray. “You holding up okay?” Rather than wait for his response, Will turned to the monitors, as if they held the answer. Jay simply rolled his eyes at his brother’s behavior. He’s not gonna find anything new over there.
Jay avoided eye contact with Will as he grumbled his response “Just peachy.” His brother let out a deep breath and Jay felt a pang of guilt for not showing more gratitude. “Thanks for the food.” He mumbled picking at it before taking a few bites. Will smiled and sat down next to Jay’s bed, sipping his own coffee.
After he finished his breakfast, Jay let Will move the tray away from the bed. Awkward silence filled the room, the beeping of the monitors seeming louder than before. When Will cleared his throat, Jay gave a slight jump before turning towards his brother.
“Is there anything else I can get you, Jay? Anything you need?” Jay could hear the sincerity in his brother’s voice and decided now was the time to ask for what had been on his mind all day.
“There is one thing you could do for me, yeah.” He started slowly, despite his impatience. Jay leaned forward, closing the distance between him and Will. “You work here. You know all the doctors and nurses and have some sway. You could get me out of here. Today.”
Jay was caught off guard when Will’s eyes widened and he backed away from the bed. His brother opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Jay didn’t let this deter him. He kept his eager expression on his brother. After what felt like hours, Will responded, voice clearly shaking. “No. Not happening Jay.”
Not ready to give up, Jay decided to push back. “Come on, Will. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve been shot. I know how to take care of these kind of injuries alone. I’ll follow all of Dr. Marcel’s instructions, take all of the medicine he prescribes.” Jay barely saw Will anymore, too focused on the prospect of leaving the hospital. Oblivious to his brother’s reddening face, he continued to ramble excitedly “… stay home a few days, desk duty, no raids…”
Suddenly, Will pushed out of his chair that Jay was brought out of his stupor. “I SAID NO, JAY!!” he roared, fists balled.
Mouth open, Jay sat gaping at his brother. He had never seen Will this upset, this angry before. Jay wanted to reach out to his brother, but his arms felt like they were stone. All he could do was sit in terrified awe as Will’s outburst continued.
“You have no idea what it’s been like for me since you were brought here!” Will roared, the words hitting Jay across the face. “You were dying, Jay. Do you get that? Dying! And I couldn’t do anything except sit in the waiting room until Dr. Marcel came out with his update. Can you picture what was going through my mind, what I was feeling the whole time you were on the operating table?” his chest was heaving, and he had started pacing in front of the bed, but Jay didn’t get a chance to answer. “Of course you can’t. All you care about is getting back to work—where this will happen all over again. Well, I won’t play any part in it. You want to get yourself killed, find someone else to help you.” Turning around, Will briskly stormed out of the room.
As soon as Will was out of sight, Jay leaned back heavily against the bed, absentmindedly rubbing his fingers across his shoulder wound. I really messed up this time, didn’t I? He kept repeating to himself.

Time had become a blur for Jay as he continued to lean against the bed, hoping— praying— Will would come back soon. Even the ticking clock and the beeping monitors couldn’t shake him out of his thoughts. Stupid. Selfish, he berated himself. The guilt of not being able to see past his own restlessness began crushing down on Jay.
“Knock knock.” Someone called from the doorway, and Jay was startled out of his thoughts. He turned and saw Ms. Goodwin standing there, warm smile on her face. “How’s our VIP patient doing?”
Jay gave a grunt in response and returned to staring at the ceiling, hoping Ms. Goodwin would leave him alone to wrestle with his thoughts. He became more than a little frustrated when her footsteps became louder, and the chair was pulled closer to the bed.
“Is everything all right, detective?” Ms. Goodwin asked, and Jay could hear nothing but sincerity in her voice. “I heard from the nurses about your… disagreement with your brother a little while ago.”
Hearing the word “disagreement”, Jay snorted and shook his head. “Disagreement is an understatement” he muttered.
“And what would you call it?”
Unable to find the right word, Jay hesitated, rubbing his temple. Disagreement sounded too mild. Argument implied more back and forth. He could go with “blow-up” but even that felt wrong after sitting with it for a while. Shaking his head, Jay took a deep breath before answering. “I just… I’ve never seen him get so angry at me before. He’s stayed calm all the other times I’ve been brought in.” He was avoiding eye contact with Ms. Goodwin; afraid she would see the vulnerability he felt.
From the corner of his eye, Jay could see Ms. Goodwin give him an understanding smile. “I don’t think he’s angry with you, Jay. He cares about you too much to feel that.” She paused and Jay took this moment to look her back in the eyes. Ms. Goodwin took his hand in hers as she continued. “When the paramedics brought you in, Will was right there, Jay. And when the other doctors and nurses wheeled you to the elevator… I thought I would have to call security to keep him out of the OR. He didn’t want to lose sight of you.”
Jay swallowed hard as the realization and understanding of Will’s fears dawned on him. His mind flashed back to the first time he saw his brother after waking up from surgery. It must have been Hell for him, waiting to hear if I’d made it. Tears threatened to fall as the guilt from earlier sunk deeper. Eyes glistening, he turned to Ms. Goodwin “How do I apologize?” Choking, Jay went on. “How do I say I’m sorry for scaring him and being so blind to his feelings? What if… what if he’s done with me and doesn’t come back? Decided I’m not worth the heartache?”
Ms. Goodwin reached over and gave Jay’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “If I know your brother,” she began confidently, “it’s that he’s not one to give up easily. He’ll come back as soon as he’s ready, you’re his family, and he’s not one to walk out on that. Just be patient. And when he does come back, listen to him and say what you’re feeling right now.”
Nodding in understanding, Jay watched as Ms. Goodwin stood up and left the room. I’ll listen better next time. No more downplaying his fears. He promised himself as he leaned back impatiently waiting for Will to come back.

A soft rapping on the door shook Jay out of his doze. Turning his head towards the sound, he was shocked to see Will awkwardly standing there, holding a bowl of something in his hand.
Will looked down at his feet and shuffled them for a moment before looking back up at Jay. “Mind if I come in?” he asked hesitantly.
He came back. Jay thought with wonder. He came back to me. There were so many things he wanted to say that he couldn’t answer Will’s question with anything other than a silent nod. As his brother walked into the room Jay immediately noticed that he seemed… off. Uncomfortable, maybe. He wanted to say something to break the tension, but Will beat him to it.
“I uh… I brought you some ice cream.” Will’s words seemed awkward as he set the bowl down. “Thought you could use something sweet.”
Looking at the ice cream, Jay was unsure what to think. For the most part he was relieved that Will had come back quickly and didn’t seem to carry any of his anger from earlier. However, a small part of him, the detective part, wondered if his brother had brought the ice cream with anterior motives. Is he trying to apologize or is he trying to butter me up? Jay shook his head. It was clear from Will’s body language that he wanted to start with a clean slate. Jay didn’t know where to start or what to say. After a beat, words began to tumble out of his mouth, at the same time they tumbled out of Will’s.
“I’m sorry for ignoring…”
“Shouldn’t have yelled like that…”
“Didn’t even think…”
“I was just so worried…”
Both Jay and Will stopped talking when they realized they couldn’t hear each other over their own voice. Jay opened his mouth to start up again, but Will held his hand up, silencing him.
“Let me go first, Jay, please. I need to get this out.”
Nodding, Jay gestured to the chair next to the bed, letting Will know it was all right to sit down. He watched as his brother rubbed his face, worried lines becoming apparent. Jay kept his eyes on Will anxious to hear what he had to say. It hurt him a little when his brother looked down at the floor.
“When you were brought in,” Will’s voice started at just above a whisper, and Jay had to move closer to hear him. He heard his brother clear his throat and start over. “When you were brought in, I was terrified. I saw the paramedics role you in, Jay. Saw the blood coming out of your shoulder, and for a moment I… I froze. I’ve treated gunshot wounds before, treated cops before—but that, seeing you. I just couldn’t take it.”
Jay saw him take a deep breath and knew that he was reliving that moment. His heart ached for Will and wanted to reach out and comfort his brother, but something told him he should hold back and let Will finish.
“While you were in surgery, I kept thinking about how we haven’t spent a lot of time together, just the two of us. I haven’t told you how much appreciate you and how thankful I am that we live in the same city. What if you had died?” Will’s voice cracked, “What would my last words to you have been?” Listening to his brother, Jay watched a shudder pass through him and could hear how broken he felt. He watched Will shudder and shake himself before continuing.
“When Dr. Marcel came out of the OR telling me that everything had gone well, that you were alive with no permanent injuries, that relief I felt, Jay, I’ve never felt anything like it before.”
Feeling another knot of guilt, Jay looked downward, ashamed to meet his brother’s eyes. He felt Will’s eyes bore into him before he continued.
“So, this morning, when you kept insisting I help you get out, I… I wasn’t angry, Jay. I panicked. All those memories, the images of you hurt and dying, came back to me in a rush. I couldn’t stop them, so I snapped. I’m sorry.”
Jay’s head snapped up and he turned towards Will. He’s sorry? He asked himself in confusion. He doesn’t have anything to be sorry about. I’m the one who should be apologizing. Shaking himself out of his thoughts, he grabbed his brother’s hand and squeezed tightly.
“I get it now, Will. You were right earlier; I had no idea what it was like for you when I was brought in. It was selfish of me to want to get out of here so soon. I should be the one apologizing to you. I’m sorry for not trying to see your perspective earlier.” Jay hoped his expression matched what he felt in his heart. Relaxion flooded over him when Will answered by squeezing his hand.
A calmness filled the room now that the brothers had reconciled. After a few moments, Jay felt Will remove his hand and watched as his brother patted him on the shoulder. “You’d better eat that ice cream,” he chuckled. “it’s gonna be all melted pretty soon.”
Jay felt himself laugh in response, then he reached for the bowl and put it close to his chest. Before taking his first spoonful, he looked at Will with a glimmer of gratitude. “Hey Will,” he started, drawing his brother’s attention, “I’m really lucky to have a brother like you. Thanks for sticking with me—through all of this.”
Will’s eyes began to water as he answered his brother. “I already told you, Jay, there’s no where else I’d rather be. And I’m lucky to have a brother like you, Jay. I love you man.”
“Love you too, man.” Jay could feel the emotions in his voice.
In response, Will pulled Jay into a one-armed hug. “Finish that ice cream. Doctor’s orders. And get some rest. I’ll come back to check on you later.” Before Jay could respond, he had turned around and walked out of the room.
Jay watched as his brother left, resolve forming in his heart. No matter what happens, Jay told himself, I know one thing for sure: I’m never taking him for granted again.

Chapter Text

Chapter 3
It had been three days since being shot and Jay was finally being discharged from the hospital. Dr. Marcel had secured his left arm in a sling to keep him from accidentally re-injuring it. Following Hailey to the elevator he replayed their earlier conversation. He knew that she was right. No matter how he felt about Marcus’s death, he had to let go and move forward, and that meant no more talking or messaging Marcus’s son, Bobby.
The ride down was silent and awkward, with Jay feeling Hailey’s occasional glances in his direction. When they got to the ground floor, Hailey led him to the parking lot where she had left her car. Jay’s heart sank when he saw that no one else was in the car. It wasn’t so much the team that had let him down, they all had lives of their own to live. What crushed Jay was not seeing his brother, Will, also be there to take him home. Swallowing his disappointment, he turned to Hailey. “Where’s Will?” he croaked.
Hailey shifted slightly, like she was choosing her words carefully. “You know your brother,” She started.
I know that tone. Jay’s radar immediately went off. She’s holding back, hiding something. But what?
“Probably fell behind on paperwork for patients he treated and just needs to catch up.”
Jay was unconvinced. Hailey was right about one thing, he did know Will, and he wasn’t one to abandon his brother at the hospital. Not while still healing from a serious injury. Not after they had just had a heart-to-heart moment. Something was up. He’s been with me since I was brought in. Why leave now? Shaking his head, Jay brought himself back to the present and stepped into the passenger seat. He’d call Will when he got home to make sure everything was all right.
The drive to his house was just as quiet and awkward as the elevator ride at the hospital. For the most part, Jay kept his head turned, looking out the side window, seeing all the traffic Chicago had to offer. After a few minutes, Hailey turned into a residential neighborhood, and finally, Jay’s driveway. Both of them stepped out of the car and walked to the front door. Putting the key in the lock, Jay froze. The door was unlocked.
Senses heightened, Jay instinctively reached for his gun before remembering it wasn’t on him. Then, he cautiously stepped over the threshold and entered his house, scanning the entry way. Perplexity took over as Jay noticed the sunlight coming through the open windows and the sound of the washer and dryer running. He heard the soft click of the door closing as Hailey stepped in after him. Suddenly movement came from the couch. Will was standing there, hair tussled and shirt wrinkled, like he had been startled awake. Making eye contact with his brother, Jay was momentarily confused. He’s here? He questioned, before relaxing. He’s here. He still cares.
Staring back at his brother, Jay felt a flood of appreciation and relief wash over him. For a few moments he was so overwhelmed with those emotions that Jay found himself unable to move. Fighting back the tears threatening to fall, he took a step towards Will. His brother followed suit, and they soon met in the middle. Before Jay could react, Will had him in a tight embrace. “Welcome home, man. Welcome home.”
The hug lingered longer than usual, but Jay didn’t mind. Even though Will had spent time with him every day at the hospital, he understood that his brother was just as relieved as he was that he could come home.
Jay felt Will let go of him. Then, his brother turned to Hailey, who he had almost forgotten was still in the entry way.
“Thanks for bringing him here.” Will’s tone was full of sincerity.
Hailey gave a small nod and a smile before speaking. “Glad to do it. I should get going though, let Jay get settled back in.”
Jay opened his mouth to protest, but before he could speak, Hailey shook her head—silently telling him no.
“You’re still recovering, Jay. That means resting, which you won’t do if I’m here.” Her tone left no room for argument.
“She’s right, Jay.” Will responded, and Jay felt himself deflate a little. “Right now, the best thing you can do is rest. Both your body and your mind. So, no calling your friends to get info on any cases.”
Hailey chuckled while Jay let out a groan. He knew Will was right, but staying away from work would drive him insane.
Standing there, Jay watched as Hailey opened the door. “I’ll see you two later.” She promised. “Take care of your brother, Will.” Walking towards the couch, he groaned internally. I’m not completely helpless. Reaching the couch, Jay plopped down, closing his eyes.
“I will.” He heard his brother answer back. “Thanks again for bringing him here.” Will said before closing the door. Footsteps approached the couch, and a hand gently grasped Jay’s shoulder.
After blinking a few times, Jay turned towards his brother. “Hey.” He whispered.
A small smile grew on Will’s face. “Hey yourself.” He responded, pausing before carrying on. “How are you feeling? Can I get you anything? I can make you something—sandwich, soup, pasta whatever you want.”
Jay started laughing, Will’s concern for him amusing. “I’m fine Will.” Pausing to think for a moment, “Plus I’m pretty sure I don’t have half the ingredients to make any of what you just offered.”
“Oh, don’t worry, you have them.”
Caught off guard, Jay straightened and stared at Will, unprepared for his brother’s response. He opened his mouth to say something, but before any words came out, the timer in the laundry room went off.
“Better go switch out the laundry.” Will said, letting go of Jay’s shoulder. “Stay here; I’ll be right back.”
Ignoring his brother, Jay pulled himself up and quietly walked towards the laundry room, staying out of Will’s line of sight. He leaned against the wall and watched in confusion as his brother removed bedding from the dryer and replaced it with wet towels. Jay continued to watch quietly as Will folded the bedding the best he could.
Seeing Will jump when he turned around brought Jay some small pleasure. “Well look who finally learned to follow a timer.” He teased, getting an eye roll from Will. Following his brother, he watched as Will placed the clean bedding in the hall closet.
Closing the closet, his brother turned and faced Jay, putting a hand on his back and gently leading him back to the couch. Once they reached the couch, Will gently pushed him down, “Sit.” He ordered, and Jay complied, surprised by the assertiveness he heard. “So,” his brother continued, “what can I get you? Soup, a sandwich, pasta? Just name it.”
A wave of gratitude rushed over Jay as he realized how much Will had done. His brother had gone above and beyond to make sure he would be comfortable and prepared when he got home. I couldn’t ask for a better brother. “You didn’t have to do this, you know” he said softly. Seeing his brother’s expression shift to one of hurt, Jay immediately regretted his words, knowing Will would never turn his back on him.
“Of course I did Jay. We’re family. We take care of each other.” Will’s resolute tone making Jay feel uplifted.
Taking a moment to sort through his thoughts, Jay recalled everything that had happened over the past few days. “Thanks for… all of this, Will. For the food, staying at the hospital, for just being here. It means a lot to me.”
Jay watched as his brother smiled back at him. “I’d do it again in a heartbeat, Jay.” There was a pause before Will added, “Just try to wait a few years before doing this again, okay?”
Laughing, Jay responded. “I’ll do my best.”
Looking at Will, Jay noticed that he seemed more relaxed than he had when Jay had first arrived home. Good. He needs it. We both do. There was still some pain where the bullet had hit him, but Jay wasn’t as haunted by what had happened leading up to that event. And with Will here to help him, he would recover in no time.

Chapter Text

Sunlight filtered through his bedroom window. Four days after being shot and just over a day after being home, Jay found himself going stir crazy. For him, the hardest part about recovering wasn’t the pain or monitoring the medication, it was being sidelined; kept away from the action. No matter how hard he tried, nothing could stop him from wondering what Intelligence was working on.
Suddenly, Jay’s phone started ringing, jerking him from his trance. Picking it up he read that the caller was Voight and quickly answered.
“Hey Sarge.” He said respectfully.
“Jay.” Came Voight’s gruff, yet gentle response. “How’s the shoulder?”
“Still a little sore, but Will’s been checking on it at least five times a day and making sure I stay on top of my meds, so I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.” This got a chuckle from Voight.
“Sounds like Will.” There was a brief pause before Voight continued, “Reason I called you is because I just got off the phone with Dr. Marcel. He said there shouldn’t be any problems with you coming back to light duty tomorrow, long as you’re up to it, that is.”
Jay hardly let Voight finish his sentence before blurting “I’m ready.”
“Good to hear. We’ll see you tomorrow kid. Be sure to take things easy.” Voight hung up before Jay could respond.
As Jay set his phone down, a new feeling washed over him. Instead of boredom and anxiety, he felt giddy and excited, the kind that a child feels on Christmas Eve. After quickly changing, Jay swung his bedroom open, bursting to share the news with Will. Jay barely noticed the fantastic breakfast that his brother had been preparing. As soon as he saw Will in the kitchen it started to spill out.
“Just got off the phone with Voight.” He rushed, unable to contain himself. “Said Dr. Marcel cleared me to go back to light duty tomorrow.”
Instead of a response, Jay watched his brother freeze up, staring at him, but Jay knew he was seeing something else. After what felt like hours he watched as Will took some deep breaths and shook himself out of his stupor.
“You sure about this, man?” Will asked, looking more concerned than Jay had seen him since getting home. “I mean… it’s only been five days. I know you’re itching to get back… but you’re still healing. Something like what you went through—it doesn't heal overnight or in a week or…”
Listening to Will, Jay was caught off guard. His brother knew that this was what he had been waiting for. Then he remembered waking up in the hospital and Will being right there, ready to calm him down. He remembered his brother snapping him out of his flashback of Angela telling him he deserved to die. He remembered Will coming to visit him every day while he was in the hospital, and he remembered when his brother broke down and finally shared how terrified he had been while Jay was in surgery.
Sighing, Jay walked over to the table and sat in the chair next to Will. He didn’t speak right away, searching for the right words to ease his brother’s fears. The delicious smell of sausage and eggs wafted over his nose, but the delicacy of the situation forced Jay to push back on his hunger.
Rubbing the back of his neck, Jay finally opened his mouth. “I know I’m still healing. But it’s just desk duty, Will. No surveillance, no chasing suspects, probably won’t even have my gun on me. I’ll just be sitting at my desk looking up addresses and criminal records.”
Jay watched as Will leaned forward with a mask of neutrality. “And how long’s that gonna last? How long until you’re back on the streets in high-speed chases, or chasing perps through alleys, or dodging bullets again?”
Holding himself together, Jay addressed his brother firm, yet calmly. “Will. That’s the job. It’s what I signed up for.”
Suddenly Will stood from his chair. “WELL, IT’S NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!” he bellowed, causing Jay to flinch. “I didn’t sign up for my little brother to get kidnapped or beaten. I didn’t sign up for you to get caught up in drug deals gone bad. I didn’t sign up for any of this.”
Helplessly, Jay could only sit in stunned fascination as he absorbed his brother’s words. Then, Will took a deep breath, and his shoulders slumped. “I still see you Jay—every time I close my eyes you’re bleeding out on that stretcher.” His voice was quiet, but the tone was unmistakable, this was something Will was confessing.
The room grew silent, and Jay looked down at his hands. After a moment he heard the chair being pulled out followed by Will sitting down. Not in the mood for fighting back, Jay took a deep breath to steady himself. Looking at his brother, he asked, “So, what do you want me to do, Will?” Seeing the confusion in his brother's eyes, Jay continued. “Do you want me to stay here, cooped up, going out of my mind while my teammates put themselves in danger? For how long? Another week? A month? And what about you? You’ve got to go back to work sometime. Would you rather have me write my resignation letter and turn in my badge? What would I do then? A desk job would drive me just as insane as the past few days have.”
Jay watched as Will opened his mouth, looking for some kind of response, but no words came out. Instead, his brother just nodded and looked down at the table. Mentally sighing, he reached over and clasped Will’s hand, causing his brother to look back up.
Looking at his brother, Jay decided to validate and reassure him. “I get that you’re scared, Will. You’re my brother, and after everything that happened, who wouldn’t be? And if we’re being honest…” Jay hesitated for a moment, not sure if he was ready to be so open with someone. But it was his brother he was talking to and it seemed like Will needed this. “I’m scared too. The main reason why I want to go back is to feel like this is all behind me instead of some shadow I’m still living in.”
Continuing to look at his brother, Jay waited for some kind of response, something that told him that Will was seeing something from his perspective. Then, in a small voice, , “Just, just promise me you’ll be careful. I don’t think I could handle going through this again.”
A feeling of relief came over Jay and he squeezed Will’s hand. “I promise.” For just a moment neither brother spoke, each taking in what it meant to move forward from what happened.
Jay was startled when Will spoke first. “Pancakes and eggs are probably cold by now.”
Unable to hold it in, Jay laughed. “Good thing I have a microwave then. Let’s heat them up.”