Work Text:
What does it say about me
When my mother is jealous of me
Because my father preferred me sexually?
What does it say about me
That she tried to kill me because of this when I was five years old?
What does it say about me that my father sold me
To strange demon possessed men for drug money?
What does it say about me that most of my family
Won't even listen to any of this let alone believe me?
What does it say about me that my family is very willing to love me
As long as I become exactly who they want me to be
And not who I truly am?
What does it say about me when someone comes into my life,
I get to share my deepest of pains with this person,
They tell me they understand,
They tell me they are called by God to love me,
That it's OK that I've had to cut off the rest of my family,
Because they are called by God to be my sister,
That they will always be there for me,
That they will support me,
That they long for emotional intimacy just as much as I do,
That they will only leave me if God tells them they need to,
But then I'm not what they want anymore either,
I'm not exactly what they expected,
I'm just too much apparently,
Too emotional,
Too intimate,
Too open,
Expecting them to open up in reciprocation was a problem
Even when that's what they told me they wanted,
And they can forgive the mistakes of others,
But not mine?
What does it say about me when the person hand-picked by the Lord
To show me love and to restore my faith in the world and humanity,
To show me that some decency exists in the human race
Wants nothing to do with me,
Has been making fun of my trauma and depression behind my back to others,
Has been lying to me for months about different things in one way or another,
Tries to justify the lies by saying that she just
Omitted a bunch of information rather than actually telling me something that wasn't true,
And feels next to no remorse for doing any of this
Because she can blame me
And make me the only villain here?
What does this say about me?
What does it say about me when people from my church will listen to bits of this
Will reach out about once a week, maybe twice,
Just a text here and there making sure I'm doing OK,
But no one really wants to go deep?
What does it say about me when I cannot get adequate counseling
Without being forced into taking medication
Because that is the law that exists in my state right now?
What does it say about me that I still don't make enough money to afford a private counselor?
What does it say about me that I am too afraid
To call a much-needed crisis hotline
Because a bunch of my family members could literally team up
And engage in more emotional, psychological, and financial abuse against me
If they found out?
What does it say about me that I keep getting new jobs
And losing them for reasons that are completely out of my control
But then I can't get replacement work?
What does it say about me that I try, and try, and try some more
And things just keep getting worse?
What does it say about me that I'm doing all kinds of church activities
Bible studies,
I'm on the worship team,
I'm getting deliverance from another church,
I'm reaching out for help and support again and again and again
And I'm still slipping through the cracks?
What does it say about me that I tell people I want to die,
That I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts,
And after I mentioned this a few times
Then a couple of them say "Are you actually serious?"
What does it say about me that a lot of people still don't take me seriously?
Yes, I am serious.
I am very serious.
I have engaged in very mild self-harm twice this year
And I am constantly tempted to do much worse.
I have had ideas and plans and back up plans.
Just ask the person who was supposed to love me.
She knows all about it.
And she told me to reach out to someone else,
While at the same time a different person reached out
About the same struggle anonymously
And she responded with the same kind of love, kindness, and compassion
That she apparently used to hold for me.
What exactly does all of that say about me?
What does it say about me that I desperately want help,
That I have been seeking it for a very long time now,
But I'm either unable to find it
Or others are unwilling to give it?
It says I'm trash,
It says I'm garbage.
It says that most people simply do not care.
It says that the majority of Christians don't really care about deep genuine love
That they don't see the person who is silently screaming on a weekly basis right in front of them.
What will it take for the narrative to change?
When is somebody going to wake up?
And what will happen first,
Someone reaching out
Or me ending my life?
And if it is the latter,
What does that say about me?