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Chapter Text

Shang Qinghua hates his life. Both of them, if he’s being honest.

Because, really, his current life would be quite sweet, if it hadn’t been for his former one.

He’s a peak lord, he can cultivate (better than most, even if he’s constantly surrounded by more talented people than him), he’s hotter, fitter and far more financially secure than he ever was back in the real world, and he gets to see the most handsome, perfect man on a weekly basis!

Sometimes, Mobei-jun even acts like he can stand to be around Shang Qinghua for more than just to receive information to decimate his enemies with. Like, he for some reason, has taken to lounge on his bed and even makes listening noises when Shang Quinghua rants to him about how terribly his martial brothers treat him!

Seriously, Mobei-jun has even offered to off Liu Qingge for him! 

(Though then again that may have been more because he was tired of hearing Shang Quinghua complain about the War God than anything else. His king knows him well enough by now to know that it’s easier to remove whatever is bothering him than to get him to shut up when he’s fuming over something).

Whatever the reason, Shang Qinghua had almost swooned!

Which is to say that, if Shang Qinghua didn’t know that he was destined to die off-page and he wasn’t living in a world full of stupid plot devices that made his (and everyone else's) life a lot harder, he would almost be content with his lot.

But he is living in a world written by a hack of a writer.

A hack of a writer that was too lazy to properly write an emotional scene and had decided that the best way to get a tsundere to reveal her true feelings to the protagonist was to invent another stupid flower. One that was to never be used again in the novel, but grows abundantly enough in the very real world where Shang Quinghua now lives.

It’s such a stupid flower too.

Because it was not enough that it acted as a truth serum, oh no! Shang Quinghua had already written that (several times if he was being honest), so he had decided to be clever.

Why, why, had he wanted to be clever?

What was wrong with re-using one of the plants he had already created?

But no, Peerless Cucumber had left him a nasty comment about how ‘I bet he’s going to resolve this with the Flower Of Truth again. I mean it. I’m betting 800 yuan that that's what he does!’ And Shang Quinghua had thought: ‘800 yuan? Sweet!’ and had trashed the five thousand words he had already written (where he admittedly was using the Flower Of Truth to solve the situation) and re-written the chapter in three hours in order to meet the deadline. Then he had answered Cucumber-bro comment with his account number and collected his winnings.

Cucumber-bro had not been amused. He’d left a four-page long comment on his next chapter calling him every name in the book. But in Shang Qinghua’s mind, it had been a win-win, he got 800 yuan and a shit-ton of engagement thanks to an easily rage-baited nerd (who he was half convinced was the main author of the Proud Immortal Demon Way Wikia page so he couldn’t hate his writing that much).

But he’s getting off-track.

The point is, he had created a new flower. One that wasn’t a truth serum per se. No, it was somehow worse than that.

The Discord Flower is an evil item created for the express purpose to make its victims insult people. It makes you spit out all the negative thoughts you’ve had about someone.

Which is all fine and good for a beautiful concubine talking to her perfect Demon Emperor with whom she’s secretly very much in love and thus cannot find any fault with except ‘you don’t pay enough attention to me!’, but not so good for a spy in a meeting with his martial siblings who all take him for granted and wouldn’t last a day without him.

“What was that?” Mu Qingfang asks him, raising an eyebrow.

Shit did he say that out loud?

Okay it’s fine, as long as he doesn’t repeat it-

“Well, I mean you at least do some work around even if your nagging is insincere most of the time. Really Mu-shidi we all know you feel a sense of superiority towards us, you are not that good at hiding. It’s actually quite typical in the medical field, cliché even. People love the validation that being needed brings them and in this sect? With all these idiots?” He actually gestures to the rest of his audience. “I can’t fault you for being secretly smug and thinking everyone else is a complete imbecile."

Great, just great, Shang Qinghua has just insulted the one person in this room he somewhat likes.

He takes a deep breath and tries to think about the positives. This could have happened in front of Mobei-jun! Or hell, in a meeting with all the peak lords. Yeah, it could be worse.

Then again, this meeting is with Mu Qingfang, Liu Qingge, Qi Qingqi, Yue Qingyuan and Shen fucking Qingqiu.

So he’s dead.

It’s fine, really. He had a good run.

He just wishes he had been able to see his king one last time. Preferably shirtless. Though the tunics he tends to wear these days are so low cut that they basically show everything anyway and there’s something tantalizing about the goods being hidden but still right there and… Yeah, he’s getting side-tracked again.

“Why did you drink that?” Qi Qingqi asks him like it’s somewhat his fault that she has chosen to drug him on her latest crusade to ‘unmask’ Shen Quingqiu in front of their beloved sect leader.

“You served it to me!” he answers in a yell. “And sure, now that I know what it is, it’s pretty obvious it was meant for Shen-shixiong but, really, how was I supposed to know it was poisoned? Also, you are a terrible poisoner, like how did you mess up this badly? Is this your first time? Your attempt was so amateurish it’s embarrassing."

Qi Qingqi looks like she obviously had not been expecting him to argue back. Which is laughable, had she not known what she was spiking his drink with?

Still, Shang Qinghua is, apparently, on a roll. “No, but really, what was your plan here? You drug Shen-shixiong, he says something even more rude than usual and suddenly Yue-shixiong stops outrageously playing favourites? New flash, asshole, Shen-shixiong could kill all of us here present and Yue-shixiong would use his dying breath to make excuses for him! Like he lets him get away with abusing children, there’s no way he’s going to even blink at him being mean to us. And really, what were you expecting him to say that he normally doesn't? Shen-shixiong’s never been shy about insulting us to our faces, that’s half the reason you don’t like him!”

His little speech is met with stunned silence. Qi Qingqi is red to the root of her hair and Yue Qingyuan actually looks a bit ashamed (not remorseful, of course, Shang Qinghua is serious about him letting Shen Qingqiu get away with murder. After all, he literally wrote it in their backstory). Shen Qingqiu is just looking on with mild interest, like the situation doesn’t concern him. Shang Quinghua knows better though, there’s a tension on Shen Quingqiu’s body that reveals just how furious (how afraid) he is about having almost been fed a truth serum and his grip on his fan looks almost painful. Shang Qinghua hopes that if anyone is getting hit with the damn thing, it’s Qi Qingqi and not him.

Meanwhile, Liu Qingge is, for the first time ever, actually interested in what’s going on in the meeting and Mu Qingfang has literally sat back to enjoy the show. It’s such a relief to know that he can always count on his martial siblings when the situation calls for it.

“It was to make him confess!” Qi Qingqi shouts in righteous indignation. “About his attempt to kill Liu-shidi.”

“Oh, that,” Shang Qinghua rolls his eyes. “Yeah, he didn’t do it. I was there. Not that anyone bothered to ask me, of course. I’m too inconsequential for the likes of Liu-shidi to bother talking to unless he’s barking at me about something he needs. I didn’t take it personally, don’t worry, I know he only cares about people if they can offer him a good fight. It’s why his peak is in shambles and all his disciples are bullies. But well, what can you expect from rich kids?”

“Excuse me?” Liu Qingge says, apparently he’s not finding the situation quite so funny anymore. He’s frowning and already has a hand on his sword, because of course he does. 

Shang Qinghua steals a look at Shen Qingqiu, remembering how he had threatened him into not revealing what had happened but the man doesn't seem to care anymore. If anything, his smile is equal parts smug and vindicated and he seems to be enjoying the reactions Qi Qingqi and Liu Qingge are having to his speech.

Well, if Shang Qinghua has to choose between keeping either Liu Qingge or Shen Qingqiu happy he’s definitely picking Shen Qingqiu. The worst Liu Qingge is going to do to him is run him through with Cheng Luan which is not a good option, but it’s definitely better than any revenge Shen Qingqiu would come up with.

“Oh, I’ll excuse you, we all always do,” Shang Qinghua rolls his eyes while making a dismissive gesture with his hand. His tone is unbothered which is weird since inwardly all he can think is ‘oh no he’s going to kill me, stop talking, stop talking, stop talking’. “Aparently, the fact that you are nobility and that you are very good at killing things means that we all have to put up with your entitlement and selfishness. You are aware that being peak lord is a job, right? Like you are here to teach the next generation. Not to just beat them up periodically and then disappear, leaving them to run wild and terrorize disciples from other peaks who are actually doing their job.”

“Then maybe disciples from other peaks should not be so weak,” Liu Qingge replies, crossing his arms in front of himself like an angry toddler.

“Must be nice to live in a world where weapons grow in trees and rations magically appear in your qiankun pouch,” Shang Qinghua muses. “You and your disciples wouldn’t last a day without Wan Jian Peak to provide you with weapons or An Ding Peak to get you, well, everything you may need or want. Not to mention how much you rely on Qian Cao Peak to patch you up every time you recklessly throw yourself at big, scary monsters. Because, of course, strategizing and grouping up to take it down together is beneath you. There’s little glory in that, so who cares that it would greatly reduce the damage to yourselves, and more importantly, the work the clean up crew has to do! What really matters is that people know you did the thing all on your own like the big boys you are.”

At this, Shan Qinghua can see Mu Qingfang nodding slightly. He’s so glad that his prolonged suicide may end up being useful to his martial brother. Truly. In fact, he’s so glad, he’ll even forgive the leader of the medical peak for not offering him an antidote or taking him to a secluded room to wait the effects of this poison out.

He looks at Yue Qingyuan who just smiles at him. So apparently he isn’t getting any help from that quarter either. Great. He wonders if it’s because of what he said before or because their sect leader has decided that airing all this out will benefit the sect (or Shen Qingqiu) in any way. 

Shang Qinghua wants to shout at him that he did not consent to this but, apparently, he’s not done burning every unstable bridge he has with Liu Qingge just yet.

“You are so damn spoiled! And, unlike my king, you aren’t cute enough to get away with it!” Why did he say that? Why would he be so stupid as to blatantly refer to Mobei-jun while he’s under a truth serum? “You wouldn’t last a week without the people from the other peaks, you’d starve. I bet you don’t even know where the food’s stored, it’s pathetic. But we keep you around because of how strong you are. Not like it’s actually going to matter the day we are attacked and need you, because you’ll be out on a trip again and we won’t be able to contact you in time. Liu-shidi, you literally have one job, one fucking job: protect the sect! But even that is too much for the young master. No, the War God is too good to bother with chores like the rest of us. He deserves all the perks of being a peak lord but heavens forbid we ask him to fulfill any of the responsibilities. That’s for us peasants to deal with. And for our poor disciples that have to suffer the fact that the only thing you are teaching your kids is how to be as entitled as you are.”

Qi Qingqi smirks at their martial brother, whose knuckles have turned white with how tightly he is grabbing his sword. Liu Qingge seems about to explode and Shang Qinghua mentally begs her not to make it worse.

Of course, she doesn't even hesitate. What’s more, she has the nerve to say, “He does have a point.”

“Well, you’d know,” Shang Qinghua snorts under his breath, it seems like he’s not done with his martial sister just yet either. Which is fair, considering she’s the one most to blame for all this. “After all, you are as much of a young mistress as he is a young master. Like really, for someone that’s constantly preaching about how it’s unfair to judge others based on appearance and how using underhanded tricks is unbecoming, you sure love to ignore your own morals when it suits you.”

Qi Qingqi actually gasps at that and Shen Qingqiu hides his face behind his fan which means he must be making an expression full of very uncharacteristic and embarrassing glee. Yue Qingyuan, of course, eagerly tracks his movements with his eyes and whatever he manages to glimpse beneath the fan makes him go all soft and googly-eyed.

 “I have never-”

“Qi-shimei, I’m literally only saying this because you poisoned me,” Shang Qinghua points out reasonably. Like he’d have dared otherwise! He’s not looking forward to all the thigh-hugging he’ll have to do to stop her from castrating him for this. Her thighs are definitely not on the same level as his kings’, those are always a pleasure to hug. “And no, it doesn't make it better that you were trying to poison Shen-shixiong and not me. Really, no one here buys that you were doing so to get justice for Liu-shidi. Just admit that you don’t like him and move on.”

Qi Qingqi purses her lips and, as if to prove Shang Qinghua’s point, she crosses her arms the same way Liu Qingge had.

“Well, if he wasn’t such a lecherous stain on our sect-”

“Yeah, it’s so much worse to visit a brothel than to poison your martial siblings, you are absolutely right,” Shang Qinghua rolls his eyes again. He’s starting to get worried that he’ll be sore tomorrow with how much he’s making them move. “It’s not like he mistreats the women there, I hear they actually quite like him.” Yue Qingyuan literally flinches at the reminder. “Then again, he doesn’t even touch them so that may be why.”

“Shang-shidi,” Shen Qingqiu says in a deceptively calm voice. He has closed his fan so he can glare at him more directly which is fucking terrifying. “As amusing as this has been, I believe this is where you should stop talking.”

“See, I agree,” Shang Qinghua nods fervently. “But I literally can’t. Aren’t you glad I drank it instead of you? Think of all the secrets you would have been forced to reveal! Though maybe I’ll end up revealing them instead? I swear, I’m not doing it on purpose! Believe me, if you want to have everyone convinced you are a pervert instead of having a single conversation with the one person in this sect that may understand your aversion to men, have at it. But like, you do know your pride will literally be the death of you, right? Also you are a terrible person. You’ve got trauma, okay. Trust me, I get it. You’ve suffered more than all the rest of these assholes combined. Especially the rich brats in the high horse. But you know who else has trauma? Your fucking disciples because you are treating them very similarly like how your master treated you. Have some compassion, you bastard. So Yue-shixiong abandoned you to die and you had to suffer as a slave while he went and joined a prestigious sect and climbed to the very top of it. It fucking sucks. Like yeah, it’s completely unfair, especially since your leg wasn’t even broken when he left! But that doesn’t give you leeway to make life hell for the rest of us. Just focus your anger on him.”

This time it’s all his martial siblings that gasp.

Liu Qingge and Qi Qingqi look completely dumbfounded, like both their jaws have actually dropped. Liu Qingge is looking from Shang Qinghua to Shen Qingqiu like he’s expecting someone to tell him that he hasn’t heard right. Meanwhile Qi Qingqi has turned the full force of her glare onto Yue Qingyuan.

Mu Qingfang’s reaction is a lot more understated, he probably already had an idea of the situation thanks to his position as head physician. Still, it looks like it pains him to hear it confirmed and he’s also frowning on their sect leaders direction.

Yue Qingyuan looks… Oh wow, is that what fear looks like in the sect leader's face? Shang Qinghua had never thought he’d see such a terrified expression on their OP commander. He’s also dreading the moment that fear turns to resolve and what that will mean for him. His chances of surviving this are getting lower and lower the more they let him yap.

And speaking of certain death, Shen Qingqiu has tightened his grip on his fan so much that Shang Qinghua’s pretty sure it has splintered. He’s also looking outright livid. 

Okay, so he needs to stop poking that particular bear. And appease him in any way he can. All while under the influence of the fucking Discord Flower. Sure, no fucking problem. He can totally figure out how to do all that.

Wait, maybe switching targets to Yue Qingyuan would do the trick?

“You really deserve his anger, you know that, right?” Shang Qinghua tells their sect leader, who seems to have gotten his expression somewhat under control but is still completely pale. “Like how hard it is to say ‘sorry I was too late to rescue you. I was an idiot and claimed a sword before I was ready and almost died. My crazy teacher locked me in a cave for a year so I wouldn’t literally die for my hubris’. Like you do understand that when you say ‘I have no excuse’ he hears ‘you are not worth an explanation’, right?”

Considering how wide Yue Qingyuan’s eyes have gotten, he had not actually understood that. Shen Qingqiu… well, Shen Qingqiu looks even more mad but at least he has turned all his fury in a more acceptable direction (i.e. away from Shang Qinghua).

“Is this a kink thing?” Shang Qinghua asks because he’s genuinely curious and, since he’s definitely going to get killed either way, he may as well get some answers. “Do you enjoy having Shen Qingqiu look at you like you are a bug? Because I’m sure he’d be willing to do so in a more intimate setting if you just bothered to clear the air with him. No shame here, Yue-shixiong, you like what you like, but it’s usually polite to get everyone involved on the same page beforehand. Also, don’t drag the rest of us into your bullshit!”

The flush on Yue Qingyuan’s face lets Shang Qinghua know that he’s not completely off the mark here. As for Shen Qingqiu, he still looks furious, (seriously he’s more mad than Shang Qinghua has ever seen him) but he also doesn't look disgusted? Well, good for Yue-shixiong, he may end up not completely fumbling his one true love, despite his best efforts. 

The other three Peak Lords are now looking a mixture of flabbergasted, disgusted and delighted because they are all incurable gossips and Shang Qinghua has just broken out the best tea Cang Mountain has ever had. Vultures, the lot of them. Shang Qinghua hopes Shen Qingqiu eats them alive.

“You are a terrible sect leader, by the way,” Shang Qinghua informs Yue Qingyuan which comes as news even to him. He’d written the man to be pretty competent, but now that he’s really thinking about it... “You’re not the worst we’ve ever had, you are at least competent enough in your own peak’s duties. But like, all the shit I told the others? Well, that’s your fault. You are the one that should put a leash on Liu-shidi. The one that should tell Qi-shimei to mind her own business and stop creating drama. And you are definitely the one that should have stopped Shen-shixiong's reign of terror instead of offering him literal children as virtual sacrifices in order to assuage your own guilt and get him to look at you again. Like man, you really dropped the ball. You haven’t even noticed that I’ve been consorting with demons for years, since before I was head disciple actually, and I have the coolest demon king dropping by to steal my bed on a weekly basis without any alarms being raised. I know he’s OP but still! Just how bad is the security on this mountain?”

And, oh, shit!

Shang Qinghua was starting to think that maybe, if Yue Qingyuan didn’t completely mess up his apology again and Shen Qingqiu deigned to accept it, he’d be able to get away with just being fired. He had all the gossip, after all, the rest would want to keep him alive to learn more! Then again, maybe Shen Qingqiu would have finished him off precisely for that very same reason.

It’s a shame, really. He’d actually managed to come quite far without saying anything completely live-ruining. Like sure, he’s been rude as hell and his working relationships with Liu Qingge and Qi Qingqi are probably ruined beyond repair, proud bastards that they are. But he’s pretty sure his criticism could be employed in a very constructive manner, if they bothered to try! 

Of course, that’s a moot point now that he’s all but admitted to being a traitor.

Yeah, now all his martial siblings are looking at him predatorially and Liu Qingge has finally unsheathed his sword (the man has been itching to do so since the first time Shang Qinghua had called him spoiled, he’s sure).

The worst part is, they are all smiling. The bastards seem downright delighted that Shang Qinghua has just handed them a reason to skewer him like a fish. Sadistic pricks. 

“Oh?” Shen Qingqiu asks in a tone that very clearly says ‘here, more rope, please continue to hang yourself’. “A demon king, you say?”

“Mobei-jun,” Shang Qinghua answers despite how much he is trying to swallow his own tongue. “My king. If we are being honest, and Qi-shimei has not given me another option, let me just tell you that I would sell you all out in a heartbeat for him. I like him so much more than the rest of you combined and I really wish he was here right now. He’d show you all what a true badass really is like. It would be glorious. Really, my king, why don’t you ever come when I need you?”

Shang Qinghua feels cold air on the back of his neck but he dismisses it. Shivers are to be expected when he’s facing down five very pissed off peak lords after he’s told them to their faces that he’d pick a demon over them every day of the week. 

His martial siblings gasp at this admission which is pretty gratifying. Five of the most powerful cultivators in the world and they are all shocked at the mere mention of Mobei-jun’s name. Truly, his king deserves nothing less. 

Still he has to speak the truth so he keeps going.

“Well, he’s not Mobei-jun just yet but he will be, even if I have to kill his shitty father, his shitty uncle and that one shitty sibling he still has left myself,” Shang Qinghua promises. He’s got plans that he will enact the second Mobei-jun reconsiders his stance on kinslaying. “Really, it won’t even be that hard. They are all so fucking dumb. Sometimes I wonder how my king is related to that scum when he is so great and cool and handsome. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a spoiled brat too, always demanding I do impossible things and never showing me an ounce of gratitude but that’s royalty for you.”

“Is that why you’ve decided to betray me?” a cold voice asks behind him and Shang Qinghua all but jumps from the chair.

“My king?” he yells. And true enough, his king is standing right there, looking as regal as always but also quietly resigned and oddly sad.

Shang Qinghua doesn’t have the time to figure out what’s causing him to make that expression, though. He turns to his martial siblings and sees that now all of them have their weapons out. Well, all except Yue Qingyuan but he looks like he’s seriously considering unsheathing Xuan Su. Again, it’s gratifying that they understand the greatness of his king but that doesn’t mean it isn’t also fucking inconvenient.

Okay, so he is not going to be able to talk them out of attacking his king, so how does he get him to safety?

He puts himself between him and his martial siblings. Which is stupid, he’s a squishy human with the lowest cultivation level in the room. He’s going to make for a terrible shield! But what else can he do? 

“What are you doing here? Are you stupid? You need to leave. Now!” he’s yelling at his king who’s surprised enough that he stops looking like a sad puppy.

He takes that as a good sign and starts pushing Mobei-jun. Where is he pushing him towards? He has no fucking clue. He just knows he has to get his king out of here. 

To his surprise, a portal opens and Mobei-jun lets himself be pushed into it. Luckily, Shang Qinghua’s martial siblings are so surprised by this turn of events that they don’t even start attempting to stop them until after Mobei-jun is already half into the portal and Shang Qinghua all but jumps after him when he sees Liu Qingge lunge at them.

The portal mercifully closes after him.

Farewell Cang Qiong Mountain, he is not going to miss the paperwork.

Shang Qinghua finds himself in what can only be Mobei-jun’s chambers. They are lavish of course, but also impersonal and way too fucking cold. And the bed looks too stiff and hard to be comfortable. Really, it’s no wonder Mobei-jun prefers to nap at his leisure house than here! And that's even before you factor in all the assassination attempts.

“My king, why on earth did you come to a Peak Lords’ meeting?” he asks, crossing his arms. “Forgive this lowly servant for asking, but do you have a death wish? Both Liu-shidi and Yue-shixiong were there! My king could maybe take them on one on one, I did make you as OP as I could get away with, but both at the same time? And honestly, this servant would not like his king’s chances against Yue goddamned Qingyuan in single combat. My king does remember that he was the one that defeated Tianlang-jun, right?” 

He knows he shouldn’t be scolding his king but really, he probably would be saying the same even if he wasn’t drugged. Well, not really, he does not like getting beaten up and he knows for a fact that reminding his king that there are stronger people than him in the world is a bad idea. But since he has to tell the truth anyway, he may as well try to hammer some common sense into his king. This was suicidal levels of stupid!

“Qinghua called for me,” is all Mobei-jun deigns to say.

“No, Qinghua very much did not because Qinghua wants you alive,” he protests. The gall of Mobei-jun to try to blame him for this! “And also I’m not an idiot, I wouldn’t call for you when I’m under the influence of the Discord Flower. Are you kidding? You already distrust me enough as is.”

This seems to interest his king.

Of course it does.

And here Shang Qinghua was, thinking he was done destroying his business relationships for today.

“The Discord Flower?” Mobei-jun repeats because forming full sentences is, like always, beneath him.

“Yeah, the Discord Flower,” Shang Qinghua confirms, the words overriding the lie he had already been preparing. He’s pretty sure something about the Opposite Day Berry would have done the trick. “Qi-shimie thought she’d be clever and use some props in her latest catty squabble against Shen-shixiong and now my cover has been blown! I’m so sorry my king. But really, it wasn’t this servant’s fault. You should kill her if you have to kill somebody, I did nothing wrong.”

Mobei-jun hums and sits down on the bed, resting his back against the wall and giving Shang Qinghua all his terrifying attention. It’s unfair just how handsome he looks. Also, Shang Qinghua may have to retract his first impression of the bed, now that there's an ice king laying in it, it definitely looks a lot more inviting.

“You called this king spoiled,” he reminds him.

“Well, you are,” Shang Qinghua stupidly doubles down. “I don’t mind most of the time because like, it’s nice to be needed, you know? But would it kill you to say thank you? To show some appreciation for this poor servant that would give you his own beating heart if you asked it of him?” Wait, that's the truth? Oh fuck, Shang Qinghua hadn’t realized he was this far gone. This is concerning. Though, admittedly, the fact that he decided to put himself between Mobei-jun and his martial siblings should have given him a clue. Okay, he has a lot to process but that is going to have to wait until he is done insulting the one person still willing to house and employ him. “Honestly, I’d much prefer to give you someone else’s still beating heart if you don’t mind, I’m quite fond of mine. Still, that’s not the point. The point is that you mistreat this poor servant. Why do you have to keep beating me, my king? Have I not already shown you how loyal I am to you?"

“Qinghua wants me to stop the beatings?” Mobei-jun asks, and he has the gall to look heartbroken. Or well, as heartbroken as his icy king can look which is an expression that in anyone else would just be ‘slightly constipated’.

For a second, Shang Qinghua actually considers telling him ‘Oh no, please, go ahead. Your amusement is far more important than my comfort’ which goes to show just how much he spoils this brat of a king. 

“Duh, I don’t like the pain!” he says instead because it’s the truth and he’s still under the flower's influence. “Stop mistreating me! If this servant does something his king doesn’t like, just tell me, my king. I’ll fix it,” Shang Qinghua promises. “I’d fix the world for you. Why can’t you be nice to me? I’m not asking for much, am I? Just don’t hit me, don’t kill me and don’t throw me away. And I promise I’ll make you king, keep you safe and secure your kingdom. It’s a steal, if you ask me. But you are so handsome I can’t never think straight when you are around so you get the best deals.”

“Qinghua believes that I’m handsome?” And oh, but does the bastard look smug. Also this is what he chooses to focus on? Well, Shang Qinghua is not exactly complaining considering the other options, but talk about priorities!

“Immensely,” he answers, and for once it’s not the truth serum making him embarrassingly honest. “Too handsome to kill, much to my detriment.”

Why did he have to add that? Does he hate himself? No, wait, that’s one of those questions he should never ask himself, especially not while under a truth serum.

“Is that why Qinghua dropped that rock?” Mobei-jun asks, almost giving him a heart attack.

Shang Qinghua wants to ask ‘what rock’, he tries to force his mouth to ask that question, but of course what comes out is a squeaky, “You were awake?”

Thinking back, this certainly explains a lot about their early acquiescence.

Mobei-jun nods. 

“Right, well, yes, that’s why I… Look, you can’t blame this servant for thinking over his options, alright? I was convinced you were going to kill me as soon as you awoke!” Shang Qinghua tells him frantically. “And anyway, I didn’t. Shouldn’t that be what matters?”

Mobei-jun hums consideringly but he doesn’t look mad. In fact, he’s starting to look almost chipper, which is extremely out of character. Mobei-jun’s supposed to be the silent cool type! 

Since his king doesn’t answer him immediately, blessed silence finally falls on the room. Shang Qinghua prays that he’s not going to be the one to break it. So far, it seems like he’s managed not to get on Mobei-jun’s kill list despite all his complaining.

After pondering his words for a while, his king finally asks a question of his own. “Can I blame Qinghua for knowing everything except for what truly matters?”

He says it like an accusation but his posture is still relaxed and his eyes are almost warm.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shang Qinghua asks, a bit offended. “My intel is always perfect. If it weren’t for me, you would still be fighting those pesky frog-demons from the east swamp.”

“Yeah,” Mobei-jun nods. “Somehow, Qinghua knew the exact location of their hideout and had an antidote for their venom already prepared. Impossible feats that no one else could have managed.” It’s nice that he admits it, but he’s still saying it like Shang Qinghua has failed him somehow. “So, explain to this king, how can Shang Qinghua know that but not have even the vaguest notions about demon courtship?”

Shang Qinghua frowns.

What does demon courtship have to do with anything? 

And anyway, “I know about demon courtship!” he protests. “A demon of high standing has to prove his worth to his mate by completing some sort of amazing quest. Like when you brought me that Cure-All Flower Mu-shidi kept asking me for, even though it’s literally impossible to get it since it grows in the middle of a volcano. Really, does Mu-shidi think I’m magic or something? Or when you killed the thousand legged snake that Liu-shidi was threatening to go hunt down during the end of the last fiscal year even though he hadn’t yet submitted any reports about his peak expenses." Shang Qinghua shivers at the memory. He had exterminated an entire demon clan to thank Mobei-jun for that particular favor. That’s how grateful he had been. “After, the intended has to reciprocate the gesture. If he does, the first demon must show his commitment by engaging his intended in battle daily until his mate is convinced of his sincerity.”

That had mostly been written as an excuse to have Luo Bingge ripping off the clothes of several future wives in ways that would not have been acceptable in the human world. Also wrestling was always sexy, all Shang Qinghua’s readers agreed on that. He’d written many great frottage scenes thanks to this premise.

Mobei-jun arch one perfect eyebrow in Shang Qinghua’s direction.

Shang Qinghua goes over what he has just said.

And the penny drops.

Before he can second guess himself (and still high on the ‘oh no, I’m going to die, but wait, telling these idiots what I really think of them is kind of freeing’ train) Shang Qinghua flings himself to his king who easily picks him up and answers his kiss with so much ferocity that Shang Qinghua’s half afraid that he’ll end up eating him by mistake.

It’s honestly a terrible kiss.

It’s everything Shang Qinghua has ever wanted.

Chapter Text

It’s taken him a couple of months but Shang Qinghua’s finally starting to feel at home at the Northern Palace. Though he guesses it helps that he’s helped Mobei-jun take complete control of the court and most people know by now that insulting him will get them beheaded. 

It’s nice, being appreciated, Shang Qinghua thinks while biting into a cookie and planning what he’s going to streamline next. The accounting and tax systems have already been reformed, he’s redone the treasury inventory and has whipped their guards into shape (not literally, of course, he leave the whipping to Mobei-jun, the demon gets adorably jealous when Shang Qinghua so much as raises his voice at other people).

He’s debating between focusing on expanding their territory (the White Tiger Clan is all but begging to be exterminated with how disrespectful they are being towards Mobei-jun) or planning the best way of feeding an age-regression flower to Linguang-Jun and dropping him on Hua Hua Palace (only recreationably, his king is too honorable to actually let him go through with it, but he does so enjoy hearing Shang Qinghua talking shit about his relatives) when he’s startled by shouts coming from his solarium.   

Shang Qinghua sighs, puts the cookie down and goes to investigate (if someone has damaged his cure-all medical garden he will make Mobei-jun freeze their hearts!).

To his surprise, he sees two humans completely surrounded by the palace staff.

“Back down,” he quickly orders. He’s just finished vetting the servants, he doesn't have it in him to start the selecting process again just because they are all stupid enough to pick fights with named characters.

The servants obey him, which is nice and proof that he’s started to earn their respect (that or they aren’t quite as stupid as he feared and they realize that as cannon fodder they should not get involved in whatever shit show this is about to become.”

“Shang-shidi,” Yue Qingyuan greets him with an amicable smile. 

Like he has not just waltzed into the Northern Palace which is, last Shang Qinghua checked, situated in the freaking Demon Real and pretty well guarded. Not well enough, apparently. Shang Qinghua promptly decides that his next project is going to be buffing up their defenses; his king does hate uninvited guests and Shang Qinghua can’t say he likes them much either. 

“Yue-shixiong, Liu-shidi,” he answers, letting himself sound a bit bewildered. “What are you doing here?”

The commissures of Liu Qingge’s mouth curl minutely upwards.

“My one fucking job,” he replies dryly.

So they have not conveniently forgotten everything he said. Shit, Shang Qinghua had been counting on that. After all, he’d written enough amnesia plot devices that it was a very real possibility.

Actually maybe he could make it happen? Pretend to return and then lace all their drinks with a generous amount of Actually-Do-Forget-Me? Getting the dose right to get them to forget his confession but not him would be tricky but not impossible.

“Right…” he answers awkwardly.

“We were wondering when you were planning to return to the sect,” Yue Qingyan explains, leaving Shan Qinghua even more confused. “So we decided to drop by to ask you. We also wanted to ensure you were here of your own free will?”

Suddenly the temperature drops several degrees and this time Shang Qinghua knows what it means. Mobei-jun has arrived.

“I’m here because I want to,” he hurries to declare before his king can take offence at the implication.

Yue Qingyuan nods benevolently. “Yeah, it appeared like that was the case.”

He doesn't elaborate and no one else says anything so a very awkward silence falls on the garden. Mobei-jun is glaring at the cultivators who seem happy to pretend he doesn’t exist and the three of them are looking somewhat expectant at Shang Qinghua. Problem is, Shang Qinghua doesn’t understand what the hell is going on.

“So?” Thankfully Liu Qingge breaks the silence first. Good to know that his shidi is as patient as ever. “When are you coming back?”

Shang Qinghua blinks. “To be judged and convicted?”

Just how stupid do they think he is?

Mobei-jun growls and places a protective (and dare Shang Qinghua say possessive) hand on his shoulder. Shang Qinghua has to suppress a shiver of pleasure at the gesture. Really, his king is so romantic sometimes.

“We are willing to offer you a full pardon,” Yue Qingyuan declares and Shang Qinghua jaw drops. Did his little speech convince Shen Qingqiu to jump into bed with him or something? Why on earth is he being this generous? “Out of respect for your years of service to the sect and considering that your alliances, as unconventional as they are, have not harmed the sect in any way we’ve been able to ascertain.”

Shang Qinghua very resolutely does not mention the several cultivators that have died on Mobei-jun’s hands or due to his own schemes. Yue Qingyuan was clearly fine with murder when Shen Qingqiu did it so he’s going to choose to believe that he’s also overlooking it for his sake.

“Right,” Liu Qingge nods, which is even more surprising than Yue Qingyuan’s offer. Shang Qinghua can’t imagine what positives he got from their last little chat, it’s not like he had a childhood sweetheart he was fumbling.  “So promise to break off your demonic connections and just come back.”

The hand in Shang Qinghua’s shoulder tightens painfully for just a second, before Mobei-jun remembers their talks about humans being soft and squishy and swiftly releases most of the pressure.

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen,” Shang Qinghua says. They can’t honestly think that he’ll choose them over his king , can they? “I’m like… married now? Sorry I didn't invite you to the wedding, I guess. But yeah, this is my husband. Very handsome, very cool, very demonic. So…”

Shang Qinghua sneaks a glance towards said husband who is smirking very very smugly.

To their credit, Yue Qingyuan and Liu Qingge don’t even blink at the news.

“Of course he is,” Liu Qingge mutters.

“I’m willing to fight for his hand if needed,” Mobei-jun declares casually.

The proclamation makes Shang Qinghua weak at the knees but it’s also a very stupid thing to say to their adrenaline junkie War God.

“No need to fight,” he quickly declares. “I’m already yours, after all. Though I’m pretty sure Liu-shidi would be more than willing to spar with you later, if you want.”

Both men actually look a bit intrigued at the idea. They are seizing each other up and Shang Qinghua briefly wonders if he can convince them to fight shirtless. He could claim it’s a demonic tradition to one and a human custom to the other. His king would forgive him the white lie, especially if Shang Qinghua charged people to watch the fight and invested all his winnings on their kingdom. All those muscles, all that money…

Yue Qingyuan very rudely brings him back to the conversation by politely clearing his throat.

Shang Qinghua shrugs self-deprecatingly and addresses him, “I suppose you wouldn't want a Peak Lord that's married to a Demon King in your sect.”

“It would depend on the Peak Lord, it would depend on the Demon King,” he answers non-committably.

“They need Qinghua,” Mobei-jun translates for him. Then his smile turns a bit vicious. “But Qinghua does not need them.”

“That is not precisely what I was saying,” Yue Qingyuan starts, only to be interrupted by Liu Qingge.

“Enough politics, he’s right and we all know it,” he says. Then he addresses Shang Qinghua directly. “There’s problems on every single supply route, we’ve run out of iron, potatoes and ink, most peaks are a mess and your disciples keep doing what we tell them to but in a way that makes everything worse. I think it’s on purpose but when I confront them about it they start crying and asking me how do I think they should be doing their job. One even latched on to my leg while begging me not to destroy one of the warehouses. Kid had a stronger grip than a sloth-leech demon, I swear.” The War God visibly shudders at the memory. “You were right, Bai Zhan Peak cannot survive without the work done by An Ding Peak. None of the peaks can. Bai Zhan Peak, no, I offer my assistance on any mission An Ding Peak requires me in and I promise my active protection from now on. So please, just come back.”

Shang Qinghua frowns. For all his posturing and constant complaining he hadn’t actually thought the sect would go to hell in just a few months without him. What have his disciples been doing? They are more than capable of keeping the place running smoothly as long as there aren’t any emergencies. 

“I’ve also reflected on shidi’s advice from our last meeting,” Yue Qingyuan says, like Shang Qinghua had calmly discussed a couple of points in which to improve on instead of reading him a manifesto on why he was a failure. “I assure you, you will find much has changed during your short leave of absence.”

Oh? And in which direction exactly? The curiosity is almost killing Qinghua. Also, ‘short leave of absence’? Is that how they want to play it?

“Qi Qingqi and Shen Qingqiu have tea once a week now,” Liu Qingge whispers to him, sounding half horrified, half morbidly curious.

Okay, so Shang Qinghua has to go back. If only to figure out what the hell is going on. Has everyone gone insane while he was gone?

“My king,” he starts.

Mobei-jun all but pouts. “No.”

And it’s a testimony of how far they’ve come in just a few months that Shang Qinghua can roll his eyes at that and tell him, “Don’t be spoiled, my king.”

“Qinghua likes me spoiled,” Mobei-jun reminds him, because he’s been smug about this ever since the Discord Flower Debacle. 

Turns out the demon king had been very pleased at Shang Qinghua being unable to insult him with anything more substantial than token complaints even when under the influence of the Discord Flower. He’d also, and after they were done making out, taken outrageous advantage of it, asking Shang Qinghua for his opinion on every single detail of his looks and personality and preening like a peacock whenever all he could offer were compliments. This is what Shang Qinghua gets for writing his perfect man, even the parts of the guy that annoy him sometimes are generally attractive to him. (And no, he is not going to examine how his desperate need to be wanted and needed had driven him to create a spoiled demanding brat as his perfect match, thank you very much).

“Qinghua also likes his peak,” Shang Qinghua reminds him. “Especially his leisure house. My king likes it too, remember? We could get it back.”

“This king could go and bring it to the palace,” he answers mulishly.

Ridiculous demon.

“Oh?” Shang Qinghua asks. “My disciples too? Should my martial siblings drop by for tea so we can discuss sect business? What about my business partners, do I invite them to the North too?”

The idea of letting more humans in his realm, makes the demon lord frown but he nods anyway.

“I promise you, I will continue to run your kingdom,” Shang Qinghua reassures him. “I’m not going to stop doing the paperwork for you, just because I have to go back to doing it for my martial siblings too. And I’ll come home every night if you make me a portal.”

Mobei-jun seems a bit mollified by his promises. Yue Qingyuan not so much, but he doesn't protest which means things must be truly dire at mountain

Still, his king asks, “Does Qinghua really want to go back to working for ingrates that don’t appreciate him enough?”

“They seem to have learned their lesson,” he answers before his martial brothers can take offence. Or before they can voice that offense which is good enough in Shang Qinghua’s book. “And I can be of more use to you if I’m a peak Lord. It’s how I get most of my information.”

Yue Qingyuan winces at Shang Qinghua’s blatantly declaring that he will continue to spy for his king. But really, is it spying if it’s basically an open secret? And anyway, he’s the Northern Consort now! Obviously he’s going to be looking after his kingdom.

Mobei-jun also doesn’t like his declaration, “Qinghua does not need to be useful.”

“Of course I do, I’d go mad otherwise.” Also he may now know that being useless will not sentence him to immediate death but he still feels his anxiety rising when he realizes a day has gone by without him proving his worth to Mobei-jun. He may have to work on that.

Mobei-jun sighs, looking resigned and he turns towards Shang Qinghua’s martial brothers. 

“If any harm comes to Shang Qinghua, Cang Qiong Mountain will fall,” he promises casually.

Liu Qingge sneers in response but Yue Qingyuan just nods, “I’d expect nothing else from his chosen partner.”

Shang Qinghua frowns, he’s pretty sure there’s an insult there somehow but he is not versed enough in Yue Qingyuan speech to decipher it.

“Would you like some tea?” he offers instead. It’s the most polite way he can put ‘let’s go sit down so you can explain to me exactly what changes you’ve implemented and the state my peak is in’. Really, how much work is waiting for him at An Ding Peak?

“I’ll entertain your other guest,” Mobei-jun promises. “He vowed to protect you. I need to make sure he’s strong enough.”

And well, if Liu Qingge wasn’t interested to fight him before he certainly is now.

Shang Qinghua sighs and scraps his shirtless idea. He doesn’t have time to enjoy the show right now.

“Please, fight out in the desert,” he begs his king. “The main hall reforms are finally done and I do not want to have to start again." Finding and sourcing the exact shade of marble he wanted had been a nightmare!

With a nod, his king opens a portal and crosses it with Liu Qingge following him without a second thought. Shang Qinghua will have to have a talk with him about happily entering strange portals. Really, does he enjoy giving Mu-shidi work?

Shaking his head, he leads Yue Qingyuan towards his study. This has really been a nice vacation but it’s time to go back to work.