Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The early evening sky was cast over with a swollen, angry pall. Sunoo frowned and closed his window curtain, sighing as he tucked an umbrella into his duffle bag. No point in getting caught in the rain if he didn’t have to, though the weather forecast said it wouldn’t.

“Where are you off to?”

Sunoo jumped about a half foot into the air at the sudden voice. Heart pounding, he found Jake leaning against the doorway to Sunoo’s room with his arms crossed over his chest, a small frown on his face.

“Hyung, you scared me,” Sunoo protested, putting a hand on his chest.

“Sorry,” Jake said, still frowning. “I was going to ask if you want to watch a movie, but it seems you’re heading out?”

“Oh, sorry,” said Sunoo softly, meaning it, “I already made plans with a friend.”

Jake nodded, fluffy hair falling into his makeup-free face. He pursed his lips and looked Sunoo up and down. Sunoo was dressed inconspicuously, wearing a nondescript black sweat set that Jay had gifted him last year. He had on a black baseball cap and had been slinging the packed duffle bag over his shoulder when Jake interrupted him.

“Are you sleeping over somewhere?” questioned Jake.

Sunoo bit his lip, trying to hold back a blush. The last thing he wanted was an interrogation about his whereabouts this evening. He was already nervous enough as it was and didn’t want any teasing from his group mates.

“No, I’m just bringing my friend some gifts,” he said, carefully keeping his voice steady and bright. “Sorry we can’t hang out tonight, hyung. Maybe another time?”

“That’s okay, Sunoo-yah. Yeah, another time. Have fun with your friend.”

Sunoo nodded and smiled, trying to seem unsuspicious as he waved Jake away. His chest twinged with guilt. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he just didn’t want his group members knowing who he was meeting up with. Some things were private.

Still, his heart ached as Jake wandered back to his own room humming Polaroid Love under his breath. It had been a while since Sunoo had the time to hang out one-on-one with him. Of course, they saw each other every day, but there was a difference between working together and actually hanging out. Sunoo had been neglecting all his group mates in that regard lately, but he couldn’t help it. He was in a relationship, after all. It was no different than when any of the others had a girlfriend.

Promising himself he would ask Jake to do something just the two of them soon, Sunoo exited the dorm, shutting the door quietly behind him. Not that there was really any reason to, now that Jake knew he was leaving. Jungwon was up in the other dorm hanging out with Jay, and their manager Yuki had gone out earlier.

Outside, the car was already waiting for him, idling in the alleyway across the street. Sunoo shivered; the air had gone from relatively warm during the sunny day to chilly and windy. Casting an apprehensive glance up at the hovering clouds in the sky, he darted over to the car.

Before getting in, he glanced around to make sure no obvious cameras were watching. Then he dumped the duffle bag in the backseat before getting into the passenger’s side. Doyun met him with a smile and leaned in to kiss Sunoo on the lips.

Sunoo jerked away, surprised. “Ah, hyung, you can’t do that here,” he said nervously. “There could be people watching.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Sunoo’s handsome photographer boyfriend chuckled at Sunoo’s cute reaction. He tweaked Sunoo’s nose. “I couldn’t help myself, you look so good.”

Sunoo blushed and looked down at his hands, twisting them in his lap. He really liked the way Doyun made him feel—so special and appreciated. It was no secret that Sunoo loved compliments, and while he got plenty of them from the fans and even staff members (and occasionally his members), it was nice to hear them from a man who was interested in him.

“Hyung,” he whined, pouting but pleased, “you’re such a flirt.”

Doyun grinned at him, perfect white teeth flashing in his tan face; Sunoo suspected he had veneers but Doyun always denied it. “Ready for tonight? You still good with sleeping over?”

Sunoo sat up in the seat, smiling. “Of course! You said you wanted to watch the new season of Resident Playbook, right? I’m excited.”

Doyun smiled too, putting his hand on Sunoo’s thigh and squeezing it. “Me too. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to do this with you.”

Sunoo smiled at him. “Me too. Though I’m going to have to leave quite early to make it back for dance practice tomorrow.” He hesitated for a moment, wondering how to bring this up. “But we’re still only going to watch the show, right? I’ll sleep on the couch.”

Doyun raised an eyebrow, teasing. His hand tightened on Sunoo’s thigh. “Of course. Why, what else could we possibly do at my place all night? What are you even thinking about, you little pervert?” He tweaked Sunoo’s nose again.

Sunoo rolled his eyes and batted Doyun’s hand away from his face. “Okay, okay, I got it. Thank you, hyung.”

Doyun chuckled, keeping his hand on Sunoo’s leg as he pulled away from the curb. He asked Sunoo about what he’d been up to that week. Sunoo chattered happily about his activities throughout the rest of the drive, the nerves he’d been feeling since they set up this date swallowed up by the heavy weight of the clouds.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

A ray of sunlight shining directly on Sunoo’s face woke him. He came to slowly, the piercing brightness forcing his bleary eyes open. His head throbbed, and he felt hot all over, the bedsheets plastered to his bare skin. He groaned, covering his eyes with a hand to block out the irritating glare.

His eyes drooped closed again, the heaviness of his body making him want to sleep more. But something niggled in the back of his mind, telling him to wake up. It was like the distant call of Jungwon’s voice when he woke the members in the morning for a very early schedule. Sunoo had always been a prompt riser, and it was never difficult to rouse him. The fact that he was struggling to even open his eyes now should concern him, should it not? Was he coming down with something?

The thought made Sunoo fight off the residual sleepiness, and it was with a small, confused noise that he forced his eyes all the way open. A blank white ceiling greeted him. Sunoo turned his head to the side to where dark gray curtains were just a pinch open, letting the sun peek through. Sunoo frowned. Those didn’t look like the curtains in his room…

His heart began to pound. Awareness seeped into every inch of his body. Aside from the sweat slicking his skin and the throbbing in his head, he became cognizant of the dryness of his mouth, accompanied by a disgusting, bitter taste covering his tongue, and a feeling of soreness all over his naked body.

The room came further into focus. Instead of his white desk with its large monitor and collection of vitamins and face masks, there was a metal table, bare except for a laptop sitting open atop it. Instead of Sunoo’s beige linen sheets and white duvet, he lied on black silk sheets with a gray blanket crumpled at the bottom of the bed.

Sunoo began to breathe heavily, anxiety roiling through him like a pot of overboiling water. His eyes roved around, and although his body still felt too heavy to move, he forced himself to sit up. Lying next to him was Doyun, splayed out spread eagle with his face turned away from Sunoo. He too was naked, except for a pair of briefs, revealing a tanned, muscular chest Sunoo had only ever felt.

Had they slept together? Why couldn’t Sunoo remember anything? A wave of nausea overtook him and he clapped a hand over his mouth. Eyes darting to Doyun, Sunoo slipped out of bed as quietly as he could, stumbling as soon as his feet hit the carpeted floor. A sharp pain flared between his legs. His blood ran cold.

Limping out the ajar door, he crossed the hall to the bathroom. He’d never been in Doyun’s bedroom before. Although he’d been over several times, they always stayed in the living room where the couch and TV were.

They had dates at Doyun’s place because it was more convenient and safer, but Doyun knew that Sunoo wanted to wait to have sex. They’d discussed it at length when they first began the relationship because Sunoo wanted to make sure they were on the same page. Had he gotten really drunk and gone back on that? Why couldn’t he remember anything?

Sunoo closed the bathroom door behind him carefully, not wanting to wake Doyun. Inside, he put his hands on the countertop and studied his appearance in the mirror. The Sunoo staring back at him was pale, dazed, and scared. Dark purple marks covered his collarbones, with more leading down his chest, particularly around his nipples. With a wince, Sunoo brushed a finger over one of his nipples. It was raw, red, and sore, with teeth marks around it.

Finger-shaped bruises were apparent around his hips, where the skin was particularly pale. Sunoo had always bruised easily, but this was ridiculous. Picturing Doyun’s large, veiny hands, which he always loved holding when they were together, Sunoo had the sickening thought that they would fit perfectly into the bruises, finger by finger. He swallowed down bile, not yet done with his self-examination.

His penis and the area around it appeared untouched, but around and inside his anus there was a stinging, burning pain. His thighs were peppered with marks, some red, some already black and blue.

Sunoo turned around and looked over his shoulder at his back and ass. His back was unmarked, but there were more red and black marks on his butt. He hesitated before pulling the buttocks apart and immediately winced, closing his eyes as tears welled up in them. It was difficult to see it at this angle, but from what he could tell, his anus was very red with specks of blood around it.

Sunoo began to breathe heavily again as panic set in. What the fuck had happened last night? Falling to his knees in front of the toilet, Sunoo gagged and dry-heaved until a small amount of vomit expelled from his body, hitting the toilet bowl below with a splatter. After that, no more would come up despite the intense nausea rolling through him. He spit up some bile and tried to stand again.

Black spots appeared in his vision and Sunoo pinched himself on the outside of the thigh. He had to calm down. He had to get out of there. Pulling himself together, Sunoo washed his hands thoroughly, splashed water on his face, and rinsed out his dry, disgusting mouth still stinging with the taste of sour bile.

As he swirled water inside it, he noticed how red and swollen his bottom lip appeared, as if it had been bitten. Spitting the water out, he avoided his puffy, bloodshot eyes in the mirror.

Doyun had nothing in the bathroom to cover up the marks, so Sunoo snuck out as quietly as he could, re-entering the bedroom to look for his clothes. They weren’t there, so he resigned himself to stealing some of Doyun’s when he thought to check the living room.

He tiptoed out of the bedroom, refusing to look at the sleeping body on the bed and staying focused on the task at hand. His mind raced; if the sun was already up, did that mean he’d missed the wake up call for dance practice already? Jungwon was going to be so angry with him, not to mention the managers. How was he going to explain his disappearance?

This reminded Sunoo to look for his phone as well. He groped around the dark room—the curtains to Doyun’s balcony, where they had spent some dates watching the sun set over the river, drinking wine, were drawn tight. Thankfully he found everything, the clothing from last night strewn on the floor by the couch, his duffle bag still by the door where he had dumped it when he first entered, and his phone sitting innocently on the coffee table next to an uncapped, half-empty bottle of Samdasoo water.

Sunoo stared at the phone for a moment. Why hadn’t he called anyone? Why hadn’t anyone called him? He picked it up and caught his own reflection in the black screen. Scared. Red-eyed. Swollen-lipped. He tapped the screen, but it remained black. It was dead. He’d meant to use Doyun’s charger at some point last night but had clearly never gotten around to it.

Sunoo quickly dressed himself, taking out a fresh pair of underwear from the duffle bag and throwing on the sweat set from last night. He did not bother looking for his used briefs or the baseball cap which seemed to have disappeared. As soon as he was clothed, he booked it out of the apartment, stumbling with every step. There was no point in testing fate to see if Doyun would wake up.

Outside, Sunoo realized his mistake. Dawn peaked at the edge of the gray sky, revealing that the shroud of thick clouds had still not dissipated from the night before. A flickering street lamp, not the sun, was responsible for waking him. Doyun had complained about that street lamp, saying it didn’t turn on until four in the morning, sometimes waking him if he forgot to close the curtains at night.

Sunoo watched it blink. If it were around four, he had about two hours to get home, shower, and prepare himself for the day to come. A cool breeze brushed sweat- and tear-slicked hair out of his eyes. Suddenly feeling exposed, Sunoo fumbled for a face mask. Once it was secure, he hailed a taxi and directed the driver to the apartment.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Sunoo was familiar with the guilty yet thrilling sensation of sneaking back into the dorm. Usually, the hardest part was unlocking the door quietly enough not to wake anyone. But today it was tiptoeing past Yuki and Jungwon’s rooms, the pain between his legs and a strange inability to balance himself preventing his usual gracefulness.

Still, he managed to do it and headed straight for the bathroom at the end of the hall. Once inside, he let out the breath he’d been holding, stripped, and turned the shower water all the way to hot. Before stepping in, he dry heaved into the toilet once again, this time not even bile coming up. He was confused. Had he not eaten or drank anything last night? What happened?

Sunoo did not look at his body as he cleaned himself. He scrubbed any unblemished skin to the point of redness. The injured parts were harder. The soap and hot water stung any raw skin, and scrubbing over the bruises hurt.

But the worst was his anus. The water only amplified the painful burning. It felt like he’d been ripped apart from the inside. It was the type of pain Sunoo had read about, which happened if you had anal sex without enough preparation. It must have been particularly rough anal sex, too.

Sunoo squeezed his eyes shut, crying noiselessly into the shower as he forced himself to clean it. He crouched on the shower floor, biting his knuckles when he realized he was no longer able to cry silently. Once he could stand again, he washed himself thoroughly despite the pain. He did not want to be dirty. He couldn’t be dirty because what if the others noticed? What if they detected something wrong with him? Ants crawled beneath his skin at the thought.

By the time Sunoo exited the shower, steam had filled the bathroom, covering the mirror. He was grateful not to have to see himself in it as he dried or on the way out.

A part of him never wanted to look at himself again.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Back in his room, Sunoo sat on the bed, searching his mind for any memory of the night before. He got up to the part where he was in the car with Doyun and then everything just… went blank. It was like he had no memories whatsoever from after that until this morning.

Sunoo stood and paced around the room, even though it hurt. It would hurt even more to dance later. But he was determined to do it since he didn’t want to explain to the staff or, worse, his members, why it was so painful for him to move. He downed two extra-strength ibuprofen and prayed he’d make it through practice.

His breath came in short bursts as he went through his last conversation with Doyun. They were going to watch Resident Playbook… is that what happened?

A vague memory of Doyun’s television screen showing the red and black Netflix logo came to mind, but Sunoo could place when he’d seen it. It could have been any of the other times he had been there, how could he be sure it was a memory from last night?

His legs faltered and he sank to the floor. Did it really matter? Whether he could remember anything or not, it was clear that Doyun had done something to him last night. There was no fooling himself, not with the blood between his legs or the marks all over his body.

Sunoo began to cry, burying his face in his hands. He had no idea what he was going to do now.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Hours later, Sunoo came back to himself at a glimpse of his pale face in the dance practice room mirror. As their dance teacher led them through the choreography for one of the new b-side tracks, he watched his body run through the motions. Was it just him or did his movements seem slow and uncoordinated, as though his limbs were difficult to control? Twinges of pain flashed through him, but he ignored them.

Thankfully, everyone else was too wrapped up in learning the steps to pay him close attention, though Sunoo felt eyes on him everywhere, all the time. He was both sure and unsure of how he’d gotten there, aware and unaware of himself and everyone else around him.

He blinked and they were taking a break. Sweat stuck his shirt to his body. For the briefest moment, it was silky sheets against his skin, sending a shudder down his spine. Then Jay was hitting the floor beside him with a groan, making Ni-ki cackle. The harsh sound of the maknae’s laughter jolted Sunoo out of his thoughts.

Over in the corner, Jungwon was chugging water. Sunghoon was flexing in the mirror while Heeseung shook his head at him. Jake was also sitting on the floor, sipping from a Pocari Sweat. Sunoo thought he might be staring at Sunoo in the mirror.

Meanwhile Sunoo stood there, dazed and confused, not remembering what had happened in the last thirty minutes or so. Was he losing his mind?

“Are you okay?”

A voice broke through the haze of his thoughts. A hand waved in front of his face.

“—hyung, are you there? Hello?”

Sunoo blinked and Jungwon came into focus. His leader had come over to Sunoo and was waving at him, eyebrows drawn together in confusion but smiling.

Sunoo shook his head. “What?”

Jungwon snapped his fingers in front of Sunoo’s face. “Wow, earth to Kim Sunoo! Did you not sleep last night?”

Sunoo struggled for words. It was like his brain was moving through the thick fog that had descended over Seoul today.

Jungwon blinked at him, smile fading as true concern touched his brow. Sunoo forced himself back to reality.

“Oh, yes, yes. I—I’m fine,” he said quickly, getting it all out in one breath. Was it just him or did his voice sound peculiar today? Rough, like it had been used too much. Or like he had been screaming. “I’m just a little out of it, I guess.”

He laughed, the sound cutting through the silence of the room a bit too severely. Sunoo winced and let it fade away.

Everyone was looking at him—or were they? Sunoo’s eyes darted around, trying to catch them in the act. Ni-ki was scrolling on his phone now. Jay’s eyes were closed. Jake was fiddling with the Pocari bottle, inspecting the label. Heeseung and Sunghoon were discussing basketball or something.

Only Jungwon was looking at him with those big, innocent boba eyes. He seemed relieved at the response and patted Sunoo’s shoulder. “Poor hyung. You didn’t sleep well, did you?”

Sunoo just shook his head, trying to shrug Jungwon’s hand off subtly when it sent prickles up his skin.

Jungwon gave him a sympathetic grin but Sunoo saw Jake narrow his eyes in the mirror. “Well, don’t worry. After practice we have a little break. You can sleep then!”

Sunoo mustered a small smile for Jungwon and nodded. Accepting Sunoo’s silence as a symptom of exhaustion, Jungwon moved on to lightly kick Jay in the side.

More playful now, Jungwon said, “Time to get up, hyung!”

Jay groaned and rolled over, away from Jungwon’s pestering foot. “Five more minutes, mom.”

Jungwon grinned with mischief and set about forcibly pulling Jay to his feet. “No way. Just for that, I’m making us stay five minutes longer.”

Sunghoon and Ni-ki protested this at the same time, going over to kick at Jay for his insolence. Heeseung and Jake pointed and laughed at Jay’s prostrate form. Sunoo wanted to join them in the joy and laughter, but all he could muster up was a spasm of a smile, heart sinking at the sight of his cheerful group mates and their innocent antics.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

True to Jungwon’s words, the managers took them home after practice, but warned the group they’d be back in about three hours to take them to the next schedule. Sunoo, having nearly drifted off to sleep in the car—only the pain of sitting kept him from doing so—headed straight for his room. But before he could curl up in a ball on his bed, Jake stopped him.

“Sunny,” he started carefully, which irritated Sunoo for some reason. Sunoo tensed with his hand on his doorknob. Jake continued, “I didn’t see your light on before I went to bed last night. When did you get home?”

Sunoo kept his face blank. It was really none of Jake’s business, was it?

“Oh, I don’t know,” he said airily as if it didn’t matter. “Maybe around midnight?”

He crossed his fingers behind his back, hoping Jake hadn’t been getting ready for bed around that time and noticed Sunoo was definitely not home by then.

Jake’s shoulders relaxed and his face softened. “Oh, I guess you must have already been asleep then. You seem tired though, did you have fun with your friend?”

A stab of pain shot through Sunoo’s heart at the innocuous but unintentionally painful question. He plastered a smile on his face, hoping it reached his eyes. Hoping it seemed natural. Jake’s normally benign expression suddenly seemed calculating, like he was stripping away layer after layer of Sunoo’s bullshit with his eyes.

“I did. But we drank a little so I didn’t sleep well,” said Sunoo. It was the excuse he had come up with to himself in the car.

Jake pushed his lower lip out. “Oh, okay. Well, maybe don’t do that again? You know, just ‘cause we have a comeback coming up.” He rubbed the back of his head with a hand.

It must have been awkward for Jake, who was usually so easygoing, to somewhat scold his dongsaeng, who was usually so well-behaved. But he seemed determined to do it.

Struggling to hide the irritation that rose in him at the thought—why was Jake bothering to pay attention to him now, when Sunoo wanted it least?—Sunoo just nodded his head, lowering his eyes to the floor. “Yeah, you’re right, hyung. It was a bad idea.”

At least he wasn’t lying about that.

Sunoo opened his door. “I’m going to take a nap now,” he said, a clear dismissal.

Jake just stood there, staring at Sunoo. It made Sunoo’s cheeks burn with shame for no reason.

But all Jake said was, “Okay, Sunny. Hope you have a good nap.”

He knocked his fist awkwardly against the door frame, gave Sunoo a bright smile, and left, leaving Sunoo with the sinking feeling that he wasn’t fooling anyone, not even his least observant and sweetest hyung.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Unfortunately, the three hour break proved fruitless for Sunoo in regards to sleep, for as soon as he entered his bedroom, he remembered to check his phone.

That morning, after his shower, he’d finally plugged it in, wondering if he would find unread messages from Jake or missed calls from Jungwon regarding his whereabouts. There had been none. The only messages waiting for him had been in the group chat, a reminder from Jungwon about their schedule for the next day with various responses from the others.

Shouldn’t he have been grateful no one suspected he was out much longer than he was supposed to be? Not even their manager had noticed, though Yuki kept them on a relatively loose leash now that they were older. Sunoo knew he suspected Sunoo was seeing someone, but he had yet to ask. Sunoo had been grateful for that at one point.

But now, Sunoo’s phone was flooded with messages, all from the same person. His hands shook at the sight of the contact name as he thumbed the notifications open.

photo-hyung 📸
hey
where did u go this morning?
i guess you woke up before me
you were really tired last night haha
you like suddenly passed out on me it was crazy
i couldn’t even wake you up
did u make it home okay?
Sent 10:21 a.m.

photo-hyung 📸
i’m sad that you didn’t say goodbye to me, baby
you should have woken me up
i must’ve been knocked out, huh?
Sent 11:10 a.m.

photo-hyung 📸
is something wrong, babe?
are you ignoring me?
why are you not responding?
Sent 12:49 p.m.

photo-hyung 📸
i’m going to assume ur too busy with idol stuff to message rn
call me when you get a chance, please
we should talk about last night :)
Sent 1:12 p.m.

photo-hyung 📸
you left your underwear and hat here, btw
let me know if you want me to come drop them off
Sent 3:32 p.m.

Sunoo finished reading them, breath coming out in shallow pants. He had to crouch down on the floor by his bed to stop himself from collapsing. His heart was pounding, his palms sweaty, his stomach burning. He didn’t know if he was angry or panicked, confused or devastated.

Doyun was not messaging him in the way he’d imagined. He was not groveling, or threatening, or saying anything of consequence. Except for maybe “you suddenly passed out on me.” Is that what had happened? Had Sunoo simply… spontaneously passed out? Was everything else made up in his head?

Nauseated by the thought, Sunoo threw his phone and then himself onto the bed face down. He wanted to cry again but the tears wouldn’t come. He turned to the wall and contemplated how to respond to Doyun. There was no way he was calling him. There was no way he was ever talking to Doyun again. He couldn’t. If he did, Sunoo wasn’t sure what he would do, what he would even say. He had so many questions but he didn’t know how to ask them. He didn’t know if he could ask them.

What was one supposed to say in a situation like this? “Hey, did you put something in my drink and assault me in my sleep?” Sunoo shuddered. There was no way.

In the end, he blocked Doyun’s number. Let him be done with it.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

That night, the others wanted to eat dinner together in the apartment on the upper floor. They invited Sunoo of course, but he claimed he was too tired and wanted to go straight to sleep. He had no idea if he’d even eaten that day—everything was a blur—and his body may have been starving, but the thought of putting food in his mouth made him want to vomit.

He also didn’t want to have to sit in the hard dining chairs. Lying down and standing were much easier for Sunoo right now.

Jungwon was particularly concerned by his rejection and rubbed Sunoo’s back, pouting, even as Sunoo inched away from him.

“You’ve barely eaten all day,” he pointed out, much to Sunoo’s consternation. Jungwon could be freakishly observant sometimes, especially regarding his members. “Are you feeling okay?”

Sunoo gave him a tight, reassuring smile. “I promise I am. I’m just really tired. I’ll eat a big breakfast tomorrow.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” said Jungwon seriously, but he let Sunoo slip away to their dorm where he showered again, scrubbing down his aching body until it was red and pink all over, and avoiding his own reflection in the mirror when he got in and out.

He did not want to see the bruises again. He did not want to see his pallid, terrified face staring back at him. He did not want to see what he had become in just one short night. He was afraid that if he did, he would realize that he had changed forever—that nothing would ever be the same.

Instead, he left the water running while he brushed his teeth so the mirror would stay steamed up, and told himself that everything would be better in the morning after a full night’s sleep. Who knew, maybe this was all just a very bad dream and he would wake up and everything would be back in its rightful place. He would just be Sunoo, an idol in the band Enhypen, with six members who loved him and an adoring secret boyfriend.

Somehow he doubted it.

After taking two more ibuprofen, Sunoo curled up in bed, bundled in blankets though it wasn’t particularly cold. His body wouldn’t stop shivering uncontrollably.

He stared at the wall until a semblance of sleep came over him. But he did not rest. Instead, his dreams kept him tossing and turning, waking up in a panic every few hours, and when his alarm went off early the next morning, all he remembered of them was the feeling of hands on his body, pressing him down and holding his mouth shut, suffocating him.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

The next few days were a whirlwind of misery for Sunoo. He could only be thankful that his injuries from That Night, as he had taken to calling it in his head, faded over the course of the week. Eventually, he could even sort of stand to look down at his body as he scrubbed it viciously clean each night.

Everything else was completely out of sorts. For the first two days following That Night, Sunoo remained in the same strange daze from the first morning. He did everything he was supposed to do, but he did it like a zombie. He went through the motions without passion, without enthusiasm, barely speaking and interacting with anything around him.

At first, his group members seemed to think he just stressed about the comeback and not sleeping well. Which was true. Sunoo was getting only a few hours of sleep a night and would wake up sweating from nightmares every time he did manage to get a few winks. He had to apply makeup each morning to hide the darkening circles under his eyes.

It both helped and didn’t help that lack of sleep was a pretty typical idol issue and they were all expected to overcome it. It helped because Sunoo was used to running on very little sleep and still performing—in more ways than just at music shows and for fans. It didn’t help because it meant that it wasn’t the best excuse for his sudden change in behavior.

Then, the others noticed he was barely eating, too, which was not intentional at all. It was just that food tasted like dust and the thought of putting anything in his mouth made him want to puke.

What if he ate or drank something and it made him black out and forget everything that happened? It was an unreasonable fear, but Sunoo’s hands shook every time he held a bottle of water and he didn’t fully understand why. He took to carrying around a large metal bottle that he’d stolen from the cabinet of the upper dorm. It may have been Sunghoon’s at one point, for the gym. Either way, he felt safer carrying it around and filling it himself than using plastic bottles all the time.

He was also nervous to eat because he didn’t want to have a bowel movement. The first time he’d had one since That Night, it had been incredibly painful and Sunoo wasn’t eager to repeat the experience.

The food thing had the members thinking he was falling back on old, bad habits, and they responded in kind. It started with Jungwon and Jake, who had the advantage of living with him and being there at “breakfast” each morning.

The third day following That Night, Jungwon made his move.

“Sunoo-hyung, don’t you want some breakfast?” He held out a jar of sour cherry greek yogurt, Sunoo’s favorite, hopefully in his direction.

Sunoo swallowed down a wave of nausea, his face twisting in disgust at the thought of putting anything in his mouth. Especially yogurt with all its probiotics. “No, thank you, Jungwon-ah. I don’t feel like breakfast today.”

“But you didn’t even eat dinner last night,” said Jungwon. “You need proper fuel for practice.”

Sunoo glanced around and spied an apple on the counter. He grabbed it and smiled at Jungwon. “I’ll just have this then. Yogurt’s too heavy in the morning,” he said, patting his stomach.

Jungwon pursed his lips, eyebrows drawing together, but nodded and gave up on trying to make Sunoo eat the yogurt. Jake watched them from the breakfast table where he was downing a bowl of cereal. He and Jungwon met each other’s eyes worriedly. Sunoo hated that. He hated that just a few days of not eating well could trigger such an intense response in his group mates. He wished they didn’t know him so well. Or, if they did, he wished they would just openly ask him about it so he could deny everything.

In an irrational burst of anger, Sunoo dumped the apple in his room’s trash can when he went back to grab a hat. He had taken to covering himself up as much as possible—which was not out of character, at least. Baggy pants and large T-shirts were dance practice basics, so it wasn’t weird for him to wear a version of the same outfit every single day as they prepared for the comeback.

Later, their manager, Yuki, approached Sunoo at lunchtime. He and the others were sitting in a circle on the floor with takeout boxes of Korean food spread out before them. Sunoo had his legs tucked underneath him as he picked at a bowl of rice half-heartedly, fighting off nausea, even as Jay put another piece of meat in his bowl.

Yuki wore a gentle expression, putting a hand on Sunoo’s shoulder. “Sunoo-yah, can I speak to you for a moment?”

Sunoo’s heart sank, but at least he could put his bowl down. Everyone’s eyes were on him, their conversations quieting, as he got to his feet and left with Yuki.

Outside the practice room, Yuki frowned at Sunoo, putting a hand on his forehead briefly.

“Sunoo, are you feeling alright? Jungwon and Jake told me you’re not eating well.” He hesitated, trying to get Sunoo to look him in the eyes. “You don’t need to lose weight for this comeback, you know.”

Sunoo nodded frantically. “I’m not trying to lose weight, I just haven’t been feeling very hungry these past few days.” Crossing his fingers behind his back, he added, “I think I just haven’t been sleeping well. We’re so busy, you know,” he said with a weak chuckle.

Yuki frowned but relaxed a little. “Okay, well please try to eat, even if you don’t feel like it. We need you to be at your best for the comeback. And come to me if you start to feel worse. We can make you a doctor’s appointment.”

A stab of panic shot through Sunoo. What if he went to the doctor and they could immediately tell what had happened to him? What if they told the company? He’d be kicked out of Enhypen, he was sure. What kind of idol got… Well, whatever had happened to him?

“Oh, I don’t think that’s necessary. I just need to be better about not looking at my phone before bed, I promise.” He gave Yuki a wavering, hopefully reassuring smile.

Yuki sighed, looking him over critically, but he let Sunoo head back inside to where the others were still sitting in a circle. Sunoo could tell they had been talking about him by the way the conversation stopped as soon as he re-entered the room and clenched his hands into angry fists at the thought.

Sunoo folded his legs and sat back down between Jay and Ni-ki as he had been before.

Jay held out Sunoo’s unfinished bowl of rice. “I saved this for you.”

“Oh, thank you, hyung,” said Sunoo, taking it back. The little grains of rice were clumped together, stained red in some places where sauce had touched them. Sunoo swallowed back a wave of revulsion at the sight and set the bowl down on the floor in front of him again.

“You’re not going to finish that?” asked Sunghoon, voice rough and suspicious.

Sunoo’s metaphorical hackles rose. “I don’t want it,” he snapped.

Someone sucked in a breath. Sunoo almost never got genuinely angry and he never raised his voice, especially at a hyung. Sunghoon’s expression darkened with surprise and Sunoo’s shoulders crept towards his ears even as his skin went blotchy and pink with irritation and embarrassment at his own reaction.

A hand appeared in front of him, snatching the bowl away. It was quickly replaced with a bowl that only had a few pieces of kimchi and some mung bean sprouts at the bottom.

“I’ll finish it, then,” said Ni-ki nonchalantly, “if you finish those sprouts for me, Sunoo-hyung. I don’t like them.”

Sunoo stared at him. His shoulders fell and he lifted up the bowl of vegetables. Studying it carefully, he decided he could probably stomach it.

“Swallow your food before you speak, it’s gross,” was all he said to Ni-ki, before dutifully eating the vegetables.

The interaction made the others smile, the tension easing. Sunghoon alone remained disconcerted, giving Sunoo a strange look. Sunoo ignored him, holding back a sigh as the weight of the vegetables made itself known in his stomach.

He needed to find a way to act normally.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

On the fourth day following That Night, Sunghoon confronted him. Unfortunately, he chose to do so shortly before a recording for a variety show that would air once their new album was released. Sunghoon had never been very good at timing things—though in all fairness Sunoo had been avoiding him, feeling bad about snapping at him the day before but unwilling to explain himself.

Thus, Sunoo stood in one of the backstage rooms, alone, examining his makeup in the mirror, and trying to feel better about wearing an outfit even remotely more revealing than oversized T-shirt, sweatshirt, and baggy pants, when Sunghoon caught up to him.

“Sunoo-yah,” said Sunghoon awkwardly, appearing in the mirror behind Sunoo like a ghost.

Sunoo flinched, giving Sunghoon a wide-eyed look of reproach. “Hyung,” he replied, trepidation rising in his throat like a choking hand.

Sunghoon rubbed the back of his neck. He’d already had his makeup done, so his face looked even more absurdly perfect than usual. Sunoo bet he had no qualms about the modest dip of his shirt’s v-neck and sighed, straightening his own clothes nervously.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Sunghoon said, still awkward.

Sunoo almost closed his eyes in despair but held back. Instead, he just said, “Okay. About what?”

“I just noticed… you’ve been acting sort of weird,” said Sunghoon.

Sunoo blinked at him, warring internally between dread and annoyance. Dread, because he had been hoping the others would give him more time before calling out his strange behavior. Annoyance because why, of all people, did Park Sunghoon, who struggled for words during a normal conversation much less a “heart-to-heart,” have to be the one to do it? Or perhaps this was just meant to be a scolding.

It ticked Sunoo off, and he turned to face Sunghoon, crossing his arms over his chest. “Weird how?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.

Sunghoon bit his lip. He seemed more nervous than usual, which made Sunoo spitefully feel a little better.

“Just… like yesterday, during lunch. And you’ve been sort of out of it, like you messed up the dance a lot, more than usual, during practice the other day. I think Kim-seonsaengnim just didn’t point it out because she feels bad for you.”

The words tumbled out of Sunghoon’s mouth so quickly it seemed almost against his will. Horror rose in Sunoo as tears unwittingly stung his eyes.

Oblivious to Sunoo’s rapidly deteriorating mood, Sunghoon pressed on, shrugging those broad shoulders, “And, I dunno, you’ve been treating us all differently. If something’s wrong, you should just say so. Seriously, Sunoo.”

Perhaps it was because Sunghoon was generally uncomfortable with expressing emotion, or he just had very little experience with actually comforting someone—Jungwon, Jake, or even Heeseung were much better at that—but he came off as dismissive and cold in this last bit. Although Sunoo knew, objectively, that Sunghoon likely didn’t mean it like that, he could not stop the way it made him feel.

Trying and failing to swallow past the lump in his throat while blinking back tears, Sunoo swelled like an overwrought cloud ready to burst into a torrential downpour. Instead of being subjected to the humiliation of dissolving into tears while Sunghoon peered at him with eyes full of some emotion Sunoo couldn’t place, he crouched down on the floor, face in his hands, and began to cry in earnest.

Above him, Sunghoon froze, eyes going wide as guilt flashed through him at the pitiful sight of Sunoo crumpled in on himself.

“I-I-I’m sorry, hyung,” Sunoo choked out between his sudden sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, no, no, no, no,” said Sunghoon quickly, hands fluttering in front of him as he desperately tried to come up with something to say, “hyung is sorry, Sunoo-yah. Hyung is so sorry. Oh god, please don’t cry. Please stop crying.”

Before he could do or say anything else, Jay and Jungwon entered the room.

“Guys, it’s time to—” Jungwon cut himself off as soon as he took in Sunoo’s huddled form heaving with sobs and Sunghoon standing above him wearing an expression of desperate terror.

“Sunoo-hyung!” Jungwon gasped, rushing over to crouch down beside Sunoo. “What’s wrong, why are you crying?” He shot a narrow-eyed look up at Sunghoon while rubbing Sunoo’s back. “What did you say to him?”

Jay glanced between them, eyebrows drawn together in concern. Sunghoon shook his head frantically.

“I—I don’t know. I was just asking him why he was—I just wanted to know if something was wrong, and he, he just started crying, I swear,” Sunghoon said, truly confused and also upset over upsetting Sunoo so much.

Meanwhile, with his face still pressed into his hands, Sunoo continued to sob, feeling awful about everything—Sunghoon, the other members, himself, their upcoming recording, just everything.

“I-I’m sorry,” he heaved out again. It was all he seemed to be able to say.

Jungwon wrapped his arms around Sunoo’s shaking shoulders, trying his best to soothe him. The warmth of Jungwon’s body helped. Sunoo leaned into him, legs falling until he was sitting sideways on the floor, ear pressed to Jungwon’s chest.

But still his sobs would not cease. It became harder to breathe, and soon black spots colored his vision.

Jay crouched down in front of his two dongsaengs. “He’s having a panic attack,” he observed, reaching out to touch Sunoo’s shoulder gently. “Sunoo-yah, you have to calm down. It’s okay, just breathe with me.”

Sunoo peeked from between his fingers at Jay’s disconcerted but calm expression. He tried to listen to Jay’s words as he talked Sunoo through the act of breathing. It took several long minutes, but eventually, Jay’s soothing voice, the hypnotic feeling of Jungwon rubbing his arms, and the steady thumping of Jungwon’s heartbeat against his ear finally got Sunoo to ease his frantic wheezing.

Through it all, Sunghoon stood there, feeling completely useless as a hyung. The door creaked open again and he looked over to find a confused Ni-ki, Heeseung, and Jake standing there, taking in Jungwon, Jay, and Sunoo on the floor with concern.

Sunghoon shook himself and went over to them. He pushed them out of the room and closed the door behind him.

“What’s going on?” said Ni-ki. “Why is Sunoo-hyung crying?”

Sunghoon ran a hand over his face. “I… made him cry.”

Heeseung frowned at him. “What did you do?”

“I don’t know,” said Sunghoon, honestly.

Jake nodded and patted Sunghoon’s shoulder. “I have a feeling it wasn’t you, Hoonie.”

Sunghoon glanced back at the closed door, strange despair washing over him. He had never seen Sunoo like that—none of them had. Though they often described Sunoo as emotional, which was true, really that just meant he was the most in touch with and the best at expressing his emotions. He was extremely empathetic and able to tell when someone else was upset or angry. He was good at talking people through their own emotions, good at comforting them, good at everything Sunghoon wasn’t. But over the past few days, Sunghoon had noticed an abrupt change in Sunoo and he didn’t like it.

It was difficult to explain the change. It was like the Sunoo they knew and loved was obscured by a thick mist, and what was left for them to see was just the ghost of a person.

Sunghoon hung his head, unable to get the image of Sunoo’s cowering form and shaking shoulders out of his mind. “I think I just messed everything up.”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

After Sunoo finally managed to stop crying, Jungwon and Jay quite literally picked him up and brought him over to a couch in the corner of the room. Jungwon sat down next to him, holding his hand and brushing stray tears out of his face.

Sunoo didn’t say anything; he didn’t have the breath for words yet.

Meanwhile, Jay called their manager. Soon Yuki was opening the door. Voices came from outside but Sunoo couldn’t tell what they were saying. Jungwon was speaking to him too but a strange ringing in Sunoo’s ears blocked out his words. Eventually, Jungwon gave up on trying to get Sunoo to say anything and just hugged him.

Yuki rushed in and came to stand in front of Sunoo.

“Sunoo-yah, are you okay? What happened?” He glanced between Jungwon and Jay, who shook their heads. Softening, he turned back to Sunoo. “Sunghoon told me you had a panic attack, is that true?”

The sight of his manager jolted Sunoo back to reality and the ringing in his ears stopped. Even as a wave of utter exhaustion crashed over him, he tried to get himself back together before everything fell apart.

“I—I don’t know,” said Sunoo, voice rough from crying. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened.”

The others stared at him. Their eyes felt like needle pricks all over his skin. Sunoo abruptly drew away from Jungwon and into himself, not wanting them to look at him like that.

“Did you get into an argument with Sunghoon-hyung?” said Jungwon softly.

Sunoo shook his head, feeling terrible for his poor hyung who had done nothing wrong.

“No, no, it wasn’t an argument, I just,” he swallowed and restarted. “I was already upset and Sunghoon was just there at the wrong time. That’s all. It’s not his fault, really.”

“But why were you so upset already?” said Jay, arms crossed over his chest and frowning.

Sunoo frantically thought of some way to explain it. “I—I don’t know… I just was feeling that way…”

“Did someone say something to you?” Jay persisted. “Was it something you saw online?”

Sunoo just shook his head, eyes down on his lap.

Yuki pursed his lips. “You haven’t been feeling well or sleeping enough, right?”

Sunoo blinked at him.

“You said that the other day,” Yuki reminded him.

“Oh right,” said Sunoo. “Yes, that must be it.”

“Must be what?” said Jungwon in confusion.

“I’m just tired, I guess,” muttered Sunoo.

Jungwon huffed out a frustrated breath. “But how does that result in you—”

Yuki held up a hand and gave him a warning look. “Let’s not worry about how we got here at the moment. Sunoo, how are you feeling now? Do you think you can still do the recording?”

Jay interrupted before Sunoo could speak. “Of course he can’t do the recording, look at him! Yuki-hyung, can’t we do it without him?”

At first, Sunoo wanted to leap in and defend himself, a rush of anger burning through him at the thought of Jay speaking for him. But as quickly as it came, it left, when he realized that the thought of not doing the recording made him feel much better.

Though it was an unreasonable fear, for some reason Sunoo worried that the camera would expose all his secrets to the world, that the Engenes watching would instantly be able to tell what had happened to him. How could he go on as an idol if his fans knew something like that?

Jungwon caught the change in Sunoo’s expression. Brushing a lock of Sunoo’s hair out of his face, he said, “Is that what you want, Sunoo-hyung? To sit out of the recording for today?”

Sunoo nodded.

Yuki clapped his hands together. “Okay, no worries, Sunoo. We can do that. In fact, perhaps we can use the time to take you for a health checkup, what do you think?”

The suggestion had Sunoo panicking again and he sat up, shaking his head.

“No, I—I don’t want to go to the doctor. Can I please just stay here and sleep on the couch for a while? I think that will help a lot,” he said. At the hesitant expressions on the others’ faces, Sunoo grabbed Jungwon’s hand desperately. “I want to stay with the members.” He pushed out his bottom lip in a pout. “Please, I don’t want to leave without them.”

That got Jungwon on his side, and he turned imploring eyes on Yuki until their manager gave in. They decided to let Sunoo rest there and return with the members later. Sunoo had to promise Yuki that if he felt worse or had another panic attack, he would agree to be taken to the hospital.

Much more at ease now that he would be sitting out of the recording, Sunoo lay back on the couch. Jungwon covered Sunoo with Heeseung’s jacket, left in the room earlier, before he and Jay exited to complete the recording.

Sunoo waved them off, trying to smile, even as Jungwon looked over his shoulder the whole way to the door, mouth turned down into a frown. Sunoo wondered what their leader would say to the others and how they would explain the situation to the fans.

Yuki called over a junior manager who Sunoo was close with, Taepyung, to sit and wait with him. It was then, with all the lights still on, and surrounded by Heeseung’s familiar scent, that Sunoo finally fell into his first dreamless sleep in four days.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Upon his return to the dorm, Sunoo locked himself in his room, determined to find a better coping method. What he was doing now simply wasn’t working, and while, for today, the others had clearly decided to let his little freakout go without too much questioning, it wasn’t going to be long before things escalated if Sunoo continued on this way.

Sunoo approached coping the way he did skin care—with ample research. Flopped belly-first on his bed and biting his lip, he typed “I think my boyfriend drugged me” into Naver. Staring at the words, he quickly deleted them and typed out “how to recover from sexual assault,” and then hit search before he could change his mind.

The first result was a hotline number from the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family. It bothered Sunoo to see it labeled as “Operation of Women Emergencies,” as if what had happened to him could only happen to women. It solidified Sunoo’s choice not to tell anyone else about That Night. The last thing he needed were questions about how he, as a man, could have ever let Doyun do that to him.

Swallowing down nausea at the thought, Sunoo continued scrolling. There were several links with titles like “Recovering from Rape and Sexual Trauma” and studies about the long-term effects of sexual assault. There was one that defined different kinds of sexual assault, and Sunoo’s eye caught on “date rape… a form of acquaintance rape and dating violence… usually involves drugging…”

But all the results seemed so cold and scientific to Sunoo, not the advice he was looking for. Ultimately he determined none of the them were what he needed, so he adjusted the search to “tips on recovering from date rape?”

Many of the same results, including the hotline number, appeared. But a link on the third page caught Sunoo’s eye. It was to a forum website where people could ask questions or share their own stories and others could reply. This one was titled, “I think my boyfriend raped me…”

Heart pounding, Sunoo clicked on it. It read:

Milk_Tea_Lover_03: Last weekend, I went to my boyfriend’s place. We were drinking and I blacked out. When I woke up, I knew something was wrong. I had definitely had sex while unconscious. We’ve had sex before, but this really disturbed me. I did not intend to have sex with him that night as I was recovering from a UTI and I told him that. Is this rape? What should I do?

(20K upvotes, 9K downvotes)

The situation was so similar to Sunoo’s that tears flooded his eyes. He skimmed through the comments.

Hentaifan19xx: If it’s your boyfriend, it’s not rape.

(200 upvotes, 5.5K downvotes)

Replies:

Guillywilly: What the heck are you talking about?? OP was unconscious and even told their boyfriend they didn’t want to have sex. It’s definitely rape.

(105 upvotes, 4 downvotes)

K30XX10: Stupid to get blackout drunk with a man anyways… kinda your fault if you think about it :/

(2 upvotes, 54 downvotes)

Mr_Advice_Channel: It’s rape. Call the police!!!

(5K upvotes, 170 downvotes)

Replies:

2020baby: the police are shit at dealing with stuff like this. ur better off not telling anyone.

(51 upvotes, 12 downvotes)

Planetary-power08: We have to encourage more people to report SA so there are bigger consequences for the perpetrator. OP, you should definitely report this to the police! It’s a clear case of rape!

(30 upvotes, 10 downvotes)

5xxxxlik: 2020baby has a point, tho. A lot of victims who come forward face worse consequences than their SAer…

(8 upvotes, 5 downvotes)

SettledSurvivor101: OP, ignore some of these other weird comments, please. First of all, this is definitely a case of sexual assault/rape. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, especially because it was someone you trusted. Whether or not you report it (which I encourage you to do, but understand if you don’t), what’s important now is helping yourself work through this and recover.

Is there someone you feel comfortable talking to? It’s really hard to get through these things on your own, so I encourage you to talk to someone about what happened. You can call a hotline like the ones listed here (find the right one for your area) or just talk to a friend. Tell them upfront what you want them to do/how you want them to react. It can be as simple as saying, “I just want you to listen to me and comfort me. You don’t have to do anything else.”

If you’re not able to talk to someone about it right now, that’s also okay. Try journaling about the experience instead, or just your emotions around it. Getting it on the page can be really cathartic and help you figure out how you’re feeling. I do this all the time and can recommend addressing it to someone, even yourself, to help make the writing process easier. I only recommend doing this as a first step, since getting professional help is important in these cases, but it’s definitely a great place to start.

Most importantly, it’s okay—and beneficial—to recognize this as sexual assault. In regards to your boyfriend, please, please, break up with him. If he’s done it once, he’ll do it again. Stay safe and please consider talking to someone IRL about this! Don’t get all your advice online!

(10K upvotes, 405 downvotes)

Sunoo sighed and put the phone down, turning to stare up at the blank, white ceiling. The best advice was to talk to someone about it? How was Sunoo supposed to do that? His mind roved through all the possibilities of people to talk to.

His members—no fucking way. If he absolutely had to choose one, he might pick Heeseung or Jay. Jungwon was their leader, but he was also younger than Sunoo. There was no way he was putting his dongsaeng through something like that.

But Sunoo didn’t want to tell Jay or Heeseung either. He was too worried they would freak out, tell the company, and then Sunoo would get kicked out of the group. Or, worse, what if they didn’t believe him at all? What if they thought he’d wanted it? Sunoo had, after all, gone over to Doyun’s place of his own accord. Doyun had been his boyfriend!

Realizing this line of thought was only upsetting him more, Sunoo forced himself to move on.

His managers—again, no way. For many of the same reasons as above.

His mother—NO WAY. It would break her heart. Not to mention he hadn’t exactly come out to his parents yet. He’d honestly rather die than tell her.

His sister—Sunoo was very close with her. He seriously contemplated telling her but decided he wasn’t brave enough to just yet. She might freak out and tell their parents or insist on coming to see him, a surefire way to indicate something was seriously wrong to the members. Maybe someday, though, he could tell his sister. She was the only one who knew he’d been dating someone.

So he moved on to the journaling suggestion. It felt a little anticlimactic, as far as coping techniques went, but maybe that was a good thing. It was something Sunoo could do immediately, without needing to hype himself up for it.

He had journaled a lot when he was younger, mainly to deal with his health issues and sexuality. It was true that putting words on the page helped settle the mind. And Ni-ki had given him a journal from Japan last year for his birthday that Sunoo hadn’t used yet. Maybe he could try.

Since he had to do something to get his emotions under control, Sunoo decided to give it a shot. He pulled out the journal and a pen from one of his desk drawers.

The journal was small and thin, with a cloth cover featuring a pink sky, black mountain, and blue parking lot upon which, on the front cover, stood a small figure in a blue-striped shirt holding a green umbrella. In the bottom corner was Sunoo’s name in gold Romanized letters. On the back cover two figures stood gazing at the sky, one in a red beanie and another with a skateboard. For some reason, the figures reminded Sunoo of himself, Jungwon, and Ni-ki, which made him smile.

The thought of Ni-ki picking it out and personalizing it just for him warmed Sunoo’s heart. It was so pretty, the pristine pages covered in a pale blue grid perfect for writing hangul, that he’d been afraid to use it until he was sure he had something to write about.

Well, Sunoo thought with a wry bitterness, now he did. Opening the notebook, he stared at the blank page and tried to come up with what to write and who to address it to. In the end, he decided not to overthink it and went with the first person who came to mind.

Dear Riki,

Since you gave me this journal, I’m going to pretend I’m talking to you. I’m sorry that I can’t say these things in real life right now. Or maybe I’m not, since this would be really hard for you to hear.

I know you and the others are worried about me, but I’m not ready to talk about what happened. I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t want you to know about what happened because I’m worried—worried about everything. Worried about how you’ll look at me. Worried they’ll kick me out of Enhypen. Maybe even worried you won’t believe me…

Sunoo got lost in writing, expressing every emotion he’d felt since waking up in that bed four days ago. It was late when he finally put the pen down and stuffed the journal deep into the drawer where no one else would find it. Not that anyone would be looking for it, but just in case.

He fell asleep much easier that night, brain free of the roving thoughts that had so tortured him over the past few nights. But still he dreamt of hands all over him and eyes watching him in the dark. Still he woke drenched in sweat, heart racing, the sound of dark, heavy breathing ringing in his ears.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

❌ NO LEAVING — ENHA GC ❌

Jungwonie 😺
does anyone want to watch a movie with me?

Riki 🖤
depends
what movie

Jay-hyung 🎸
I’m down
We can watch it up here, the TV’s better.

Heeseung-hyung 🍜
I need to beat this level tonight.

Riki 🖤
sure u do, hyung

Jake-hyung 🐶
I’m in!!

Sunghoon-hyung 🤍
I’m at the gym 💪🏻

Jungwonie 😺
@Kim Sunoo what about you?
we can watch a rom com if you want

Jake-hyung 🐶
I think he’s sleeping.

Jay-hyung 🎸
Again? Didn’t he already nap on the drive back?
We should wake him or else he might not sleep tonight…

Kim Sunoo
i’m awake
i’d love to watch a movie jungwonie
you can pick 🙂

Riki 🖤
i’ll be there

Heeseung-hyung 🍜
I just died so I guess I’ll be there too.

Sunghoon-hyung 🤍
I’m finishing up at the gym now.
Don’t start without me.

This was how Sunoo found himself tucked on the couch with a steaming cup of tea—courtesy of Jay—and all the members surrounding him. It was rare, very rare, that they did this. Especially now that they were older, the times that they gathered together as a group at night outside of official schedules had dwindled down to maybe once a month. It wasn’t because they didn’t like to, they just typically had other things going on.

Sunoo wasn’t sure how to feel about it tonight. On one hand, it was nice to be with all his members, doing something that wasn’t work. On the other, he was a bit suspicious as to why they’d all been so suddenly free and quick to agree. Either way, Sunoo would take any distraction he could get from his endless, roving thoughts about That Night.

It was also hard to resist an excitable Jungwon in sushi-patterned pajamas, another gift from Riki if Sunoo remembered correctly. A small but genuine smile tickled at the corners of Sunoo’s lips as Jungwon bounced around, setting the room up.

“Do you want popcorn?” Jungwon asked Sunoo.

“No, that’s okay,” said Sunoo, shaking his head.

“Ooh, what about chips? I think we have some of those honey butter ones,” said Jungwon, already rifling through the cabinets.

Sunoo wasn’t going to eat any, but he smiled indulgently at his dongsaeng. Finally, Jay got Jungwon to sit down on the couch so they could pick a movie.

This process involved much debate. It was another reason the group rarely watched movies together—they all had such different tastes.

“I want to watch a horror film,” said Riki, kicking his feet up on the coffee table as soon as he sat. In dark gray sweatpants and an oversized white T-shirt, his hair wet from a recent shower, he looked so comfortable that Sunoo wished he was sitting closer so they could cuddle.

But Riki’s days of cuddling with him were long over. And wasn’t that a good thing? Could Sunoo cuddle with a man ever again? He tried to imagine doing so with Riki and relaxed when he felt no revulsion or panic at the thought. It was nice to know some things never changed, and one of those was feeling comfortable around the kid he grew up alongside.

Jake made a face at the suggestion, stretched out on the floor between Riki and Sunghoon. “No way, it’s too late for that. I’ll be up all night. We should watch that new action flick, what was it called?”

Sunghoon interrupted him immediately. “Action films are so boring. Jungwon-ah, scroll through the Classics section.”

“Ugh, not another one of those, they’re so long,” groaned Heeseung from the chair beside the couch.

The bickering continued, leaving Sunoo with the ghost of a smile on his face. Tucked into the corner of the couch with Jay just inches away, legs drawn up to his chest and cozy in a baby blue linen pajama set, Sunoo decided just to enjoy this moment with his members. Who knew the next time they’d get to do something like this.

But Jungwon ignored them all and turned to Sunoo with sparkling eyes. “Sunoo-hyung, what do you want to watch?”

The group instantly quieted, leaving Sunoo to blink in surprise.

“Me? Oh, hm, I don’t know, show me the options,” he encouraged Jungwon to scroll through Netflix.

Movie titles in both Korean and English flashed on the screen. Jake instantly rejected re-watching Sunoo's usual favorite,Train to Busan. Riki put his foot down at Little Women and Enola Holmes. No one wanted to watch Barbie. Heeseung vetoed Memories of a Murder because he didn’t want Jake to be awake all night (Sunoo was secretly very grateful for this, though he usually liked horror films). Jungwon didn’t seem to have any opinions, waiting for Sunoo to pick, and Jay was pretty much always happy to watch whatever everyone else wanted.

Finally, if only to put an end to Riki and Jake’s endless, if amusing, squabbling, Sunoo randomly chose the next rom-com that appeared, an American film called Crazy Stupid Love.

“Oh, I’ve been wanting to watch this one,” said Jungwon cheerfully, clicking on it. He flashed a look around the room. “Everyone okay with this?”

Was it just Sunoo, or was there a dangerous edge to Jungwon’s voice? Thankfully, no one had any objections, so Jungwon hit play and sank back into the couch cushions, leaning his body into Jay’s.

The movie was a good enough distraction—it was genuinely funny, inspiring chuckles even from Heeseung—but even more so were the sights and sounds of Sunoo’s members.

As it played on, Jay’s legs fell open (he was always taking up more room than necessary), one of them brushing against Sunoo’s foot. Sunoo tucked his cold toes under Jay’s thigh unthinkingly, not catching Jay’s little smile in his direction as he did so.

Jungwon fell asleep about thirty minutes in, which was especially funny since he’d been the one to suggest watching something. It was unsurprising, though; before comebacks, their leader worked even harder than usual, so it was a well-deserved rest. Riki amused himself by taking pictures of Jungwon’s cute sleeping face resting on an unbothered Jay's shoulder.

Their maknae also jeered at the movie, making disparaging but hilarious comments about the various scenarios. Sunoo rolled his eyes at most of them, but a few made him smile. Jake egged Riki on, refuting every comment he made until Sunghoon intervened by bopping them both on the back of the head and telling them to “shut up and watch the movie.” Heeseung laughed at their antics from his chair, snacking on the honey butter chips and oohing over the plot twist at the end.

After the movie ended, the group dispersed, Jay rousing a sleepy Jungwon. They said their goodnights and went to their rooms. As Sunoo made his way back to his, he realized it was the first time in five days that he had not once thought about That Night.

But before he could fall asleep, peaceful and content, he noticed a new notification in KakaoTalk. Curiously, he opened it, and bolted up in bed as soon as he saw who it was from.

Choi Doyun
yo sunoo
did you block my number or something?
why would you do that?
i thought we had something.
is this about that night?
call me or something, we should talk.
i still have your underwear.

Sunoo blocked him there, too, and then just for good measure went through every potential messaging and social app Doyun could possibly think to contact him on and blocked him on each one.

The thought of running into him in person, on some schedule, haunted Sunoo but he shook it off. The chances were low. Sunoo would never see him again.

Shaken and torn from all semblance of sleepiness, Sunoo took out the journal and wrote another entry, this time addressing it to Jungwon.

Dear Jungwonie,

You know you’re the best leader ever, right? Even when you don’t know what’s wrong with me, you still try so hard to make me feel better. I couldn’t ask for a better group leader and I wouldn’t want to be in a group ever without you. I’m sorry if I’ve made you worry recently. I’m going through things even I don’t fully understand and it’s so painful to go through it alone.

I know that you would be there for me if I told you everything, it’s just that I can’t say anything right now. I don’t want to burden you with this on top of everything else. So, please, keep trying to distract me. Keep inviting me to movies. I love spending time with you. I miss you. I should have never gotten a boyfriend in the first place, how stupid was I to think I could do that? …

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

A few days later, Sunghoon approached Sunoo, this time after they were already back at the dorms. Sunoo had just put his pajamas on and was about to settle down at his desk to journal when there was a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” he called, standing up to answer.

“It’s me,” came Sunghoon’s voice.

Sunoo opened the door to find his hyung wearing a black tank top and thin gray sweatpants, looking like he’d just come back from the gym. The only thing out of place was the enormous white plastic shopping bag hanging from his wrist.

“Oh, hyung, what is it?” said Sunoo softly.

Sunghoon shuffled his feet, clearly nervous. He held the shopping bag out to Sunoo, who blinked in confusion.

“I got this for you,” said Sunghoon. “It’s a gift.”

Sunoo couldn’t help the brief burst of delight at the words. He loved gifts, especially out-of-the-blue ones. Sunoo found them to be romantic, even coming from a friend, and he adored romance.

His mouth curved into a surprised little O and then he smiled. “Oh my gosh, thank you, hyung!” he said, taking the bag from Sunghoon.

Sunghoon turned a little red, also smiling. “You don’t even know what it is yet,” he pointed out at Sunoo’s obvious enthusiasm.

“It’s a gift. I love gifts,” said Sunoo simply, holding the bag against his chest. “But, uh, why did you get me something?”

Sunghoon swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “Well, I know we already talked about it but, I just wanted to apologize for the other day. I shouldn’t have… I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry.”

In the car ride back from the dorms after that fateful recording, Sunghoon had apologized to Sunoo. At the time, Sunoo had only been able to nod shakily and accept it. A wave of shame rolled over him now, so intense that he almost cried. He stopped himself so as not to make Sunghoon feel even worse.

“Oh, hyung, you have nothing to apologize for, really,” he rushed to explain. “You know I just… I just wasn’t feeling like myself that day.”

“Well, regardless,” said Sunghoon, looking down at his feet, “this can be a way to say I hope you’re feeling better. It’s just a little something. I saw it and thought of you, I guess.”

Sunoo chewed on his bottom lip. “Thank you, hyung. I’ll treasure it.”

Sunghoon gave him another small smile before saying goodnight and leaving. Sunoo watched him exit the apartment, and then closed his own door behind him. He reached inside the bag and pulled out the softest, fluffiest fox plushie he’d ever felt. It was quite large, like a regular-sized pillow, and firm enough to cuddle. Tears stung Sunoo’s eyes for a completely different reason than usual, he hugged it to his chest.

That night, before going to sleep, he journaled again, this time addressing it to Sunghoon.

Dear Sunghoonie-hyung,

Hyung, I am really sorry for that time I freaked out and cried at you. Actually, it was quite cathartic for me, though, so thank you for just standing there and taking it. These days I feel so on edge, like anyone who speaks to me could set me off. I noticed you being extra careful with me because of that, so thank you. I wish we could just go back to the way we were. I know how hard it is for you to comfort people, but the fact that you still try… it means a lot, hyung.

Thank you for the fox plushie, too. I’ve decided to call him Hoonie. He’s going to be my guardian while I sleep, and I think I’ll sleep much better for it…

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Hoonie did help him sleep, though Sunoo still cried before curling up in bed that night. The journaling also did wonders for Sunoo’s mood, and he managed to stop acting so weird as to catch attention during the day. The members relaxed, assuming Sunoo’s brief explosion of emotions was just that—brief, explosive, and over. Whatever had caused it was clearly behind him.

Along with that, the marks and wounds finally healed. It no longer hurt Sunoo to use the bathroom, and the bruises faded away completely. This was the biggest relief, as they were about to launch full comeback promotions which involved changing in front of other people.

Internally, Sunoo remained on edge. Though he smiled and laughed, danced and sang with the others, on the inside he was a mess. This was never more evident than in the little moments, the times when Sunoo was most unguarded; as such, his roommates experienced the worst of it.

One late night, Sunoo decided he was hungry enough to eat some ramyeon after previously skipping dinner. He went about making it, turning on the hot water boiler, ripping open the noodle packet with his teeth, and getting out a spoon and a set of chopsticks and setting them down on the countertop.

Humming Bad Desire, their new single, under his breath, he stood and waited while the water boiled. Eventually his voice faded out and he found himself transfixed by a mark on the wall behind the stovetop. A small, kidney-shaped reddish purple stain, it reminded Sunoo of the bruises on his collarbones. Was that breathing in his ear? Were those hands on his wrists? He didn’t know what was real and what was fake anymore.

The water boiler beeped. Sunoo reached for it, gaze still fixed on the bruise-like stain. He began to pour the hot water into the plastic noodle cup, the sound of breathing getting louder and louder in his ears—

“Sunoo-yah? What are you still doing up?”

Sunoo jumped about five feet into the air, hand flying out and hitting the side of the bowl as he dropped the boiler onto the counter. It hit the countertop with a loud bang, wobbling, but thankfully didn’t fall over. Half-cooked noodles and hot water burst across the surface. Sunoo whirled around, clutching at his chest, to meet Jake’s shocked gaze.

“Oh shit—”

“Hyung, you scared me,” said Sunoo in a loud whisper, knowing Jungwon and Yuki were likely asleep.

Jake was already moving towards Sunoo to take him by the shoulders and move him away from the now dripping countertop.

“I’m sorry, Sunoo—I thought you would have heard me,” said Jake. His eyes widened and he lifted Sunoo’s arm up. “Oh my god, you got burned!”

Sunoo blinked, looking down at the soaked sleeve of his pajama top. Underneath it, the skin of his wrist was turning pink.

“Huh,” he said dazedly as Jake maneuvered him over to the sink and forced his arm under cold water.

“Are you okay? Does it hurt?” said Jake as he peeled back the cloth to let water run over it unfiltered.

Sunoo stared at the blistering skin. He felt nothing.

“No, hyung,” he said, “it doesn’t hurt.”

Jake seemed relieved. “We must’ve gotten it under the water fast enough,” he said, letting Sunoo pull his arm away. “Anyways, I’m sorry for scaring you. Let me make you another bowl of ramyeon.”

Sunoo stood by while Jake made Sunoo’s ramyeon for him. He let Jake lead his numb, unresponsive body over to the table where they shared the spicy Buldak noodles together, the quiet of the living room seeping into every corner.

Jake’s gaze remained on Sunoo the entire time they ate. Finally, he spoke.

“Sunny, you know you can tell me anything, right? Like, if something were wrong?” Jake said, one of his pinky fingers touching the side of Sunoo’s hand on the table.

Sunoo glanced at him. In the dark living room, the only illumination coming from the kitchen where they had left the small cooking lights on, Jake’s face and presence felt distant and unknowable. Sunoo couldn’t quite make out his expression, though he could imagine its gentle sincerity.

“Of course I know that, hyung,” Sunoo responded, voice coming out very small, like he didn’t even believe himself.

He looked away from Jake, feeling rather than seeing his hyung sigh. He could tell Jake wanted to say more, but Sunoo didn’t let him, standing abruptly and taking both their bowls.

“Thank you for making the ramyeon for me, hyung. I’ll clean up,” Sunoo said.

He busied himself with bringing the bowls and utensils back to the sink and quickly washing them, trying not to feel the weight of Jake’s gaze heavy on his back all throughout the process.

That night, he wrote in his journal.

Dear Jake-hyung,

You are always so good at noticing everything about me, from the little changes of my mood to how I like my steak cut. Thank you for that, but I wish, just for once, that you wouldn’t pay so much attention to me. You’re getting too close to making me break down and tell you everything, and I really don’t want that.

I truly feel like I’m getting better. I’m turning the page, so to speak, and getting over this. It’s been more than a week now, and all my injuries have healed. When will my heart heal too?

Maybe never, I guess. In that case, please pay attention to me more and continue to treat me so well like you do. It warms me from the inside out, and I am so, so cold all the time…

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Two weeks later, Sunoo wiped his clammy hands on his baggy white sweatpants, peering out the airplane window at the pale gray sky as they took off for the States in anticipation of their Coachella performance. The barest hint of sun peaked through the clouds, a ray of light warming the skin of Sunoo’s arm. He was of course honored and excited to have the opportunity to do something like this, but he was also nervous. These nerves, at least, were shared by the others.

In the first class nook across from him, Jay’s brow was furrowed in concentration as he reviewed their setlist for Coachella in the Notes app on his phone. The seven of them had gathered together earlier that week with staff to decide on the setlist. Sunoo was particularly pleased with Jake’s suggestion of Moonstruck. Sunoo smiled and leaned over to poke Jay’s cheek.

“Hyung, don’t worry so much. Your face is going to get stuck like that,” Sunoo teased. He was happy and peaceful today, perhaps because he was flying countries away from Doyun. It felt like leaving the incident behind him altogether, like the trip was a chance for a total reset. Sunoo would take what he could get.

Jay gave him a dimpled grin, and then sighed and let his head fall back against the headrest. “You’re right, there’s no reason to start worrying now. I just can’t believe this is really happening. That we’re performing at Coachella. It’s like my biggest dream.”

Sunoo nodded. “It feels like a dream.”

“Well soon enough we’ll be in the States,” said Jay. “And then it’ll be real.”

“I can’t believe we’re going to perform on Jimmy Kimmel, too,” Sunoo said, clapping his hands together, exhilaration thrumming through his veins at the thought.

Charmed by Sunoo’s enthusiasm, Jay made to stretch across the space between them to ruffle his hair, but the flight attendant coming down the aisle prevented him.

“Do you think Loose is the right song for it, though?” he said after the flight attendant had passed.

Sunoo blinked at him, confused. “What do you mean, hyung? You don’t like it?”

“No, no, I like it. It’s a great summer song,” said Jay. “I just can’t help but wonder if something like No Doubt would have been more impactful, you know?”

Sunoo hmm’ed at this, thinking. “Maybe,” he said. “But I think Loose will be better to build excitement for the comeback.”

“Maybe you’re right,” said Jay.

He peered at Sunoo, from the white beanie covering his short-cut hair—a recent change that had confused everyone with its abruptness, though Sunoo had talked about doing it before—to the extra-large shirt falling over his fingertips. He was curled up in the enormous first-class seat—what a relief Hybe had splurged on first class for them this time, thought Jay, probably in hopes that the Enhypen members would actually get some sleep on the way over—with his knees bent and a journal sitting in his lap.

“Are you nervous?” asked Jay. “I mean, more so than usual?”

Sunoo had been acting so weird lately. Though, he did seem a little better than the other week when he had been particularly strange and stressed out. Jay really wanted to ask him about it, but Jungwon had convinced him not to, saying that Sunoo would come to them if he needed to.

Sunoo glanced at him with those big moon-crescent eyes, blinking slowly. “I’m okay,” he said. “I’m glad we’re all doing this together.”

Jay nodded, smiling at him. “Me too.” He pointed to the journal in Sunoo’s lap curiously. “What’s that?”

Sunoo looked down at it, picking it up with his gentle hands. “Oh this? Riki gave it to me. It’s a journal.”

“Oh, are you writing song lyrics?” Jay wanted to know. It’s what he would have done with a journal.

A smile tugged at the corner of Sunoo’s pretty mouth. “No, I’m just using it to write about my feelings. It’s been great, actually.”

Jay frowned. Why did Sunoo need a journal to share his feelings with when he could do that with Jay, or any of the other members? But maybe it was just easier for him right now. Still, Jay wanted to offer some form of comfort.

“Well, if you need a human to talk to, you can always share your feelings with me, you know,” said Jay, giving his sweetest dongsaeng a funny, scrunched-up smile.

Sunoo giggled, a sleeve-covered hand coming to cover his mouth. “There are some things only a journal can know,” he said mysteriously.

Jay was confused, but decided to leave it at that. Jungwon was right—if Sunoo wanted to come to them, he would, and there was no point in trying to force it. Jay knew what happened when Sunoo got overwhelmed, or worse, when he clammed up. Getting him to open up again to you was like trying to get a flower to bloom before it was ready. It didn’t work, and you damaged the flower.

Instead, he joked around to lighten the mood and hopefully get Sunoo’s mind off whatever was bothering him.

“So who do you think is more likely to make a fool of themselves in front of Lisa-sunbaenim, Heeseung or Riki?” he said.

“Hyung!” scolded Sunoo, though he was already laughing again, eyes sparkling with a hint of mischief. Jay was satisfied to see it; it was rare to see Sunoo laughing and happy these days, much too rare. Sunoo leaned in and whispered across the aisle, a hand blocking his mouth since Riki was seated just behind Jay. “Definitely Riki. Especially if she asks to film a TikTok with us.”

Jay laughed heartily.

Later, Jay woke up and removed his sleeping mask to head to the bathroom. As he stood, he noticed Sunoo, also wearing a mask and curled up in the flattened seat, twitching in his sleep. His lips moved wordlessly, and his brow was wrinkled as if he were in distress.

Jay frowned and reached over to pull the blanket up around Sunoo’s shoulders. Sunoo did not stop twitching, but Jay felt better seeing his delicate form shielded from the cold, stale airplane air.

Sunoo’s notebook was clutched in his hand, pulled up against his chest. Before falling asleep, he had not watched a single movie and instead spent the whole time writing and seemingly re-reading entries in the book. Jay wondered what he was writing about and hoped it was something happy.

Dear Jay-hyung,

Hyung, did you know that I think you’re the funniest person alive? You always know just how to make me—and the others—laugh. I never really appreciated that enough until now. It’s been hard for me to laugh these days. Everything seems too dark. But somehow you’re always there, trying to cheer me up.

I know that you, like the others, have been really worried about me, and I can tell you want to talk. I don’t know why you’ve been holding back on making me, since you know all the ways to get me to open up, but I am grateful for it. I think because of you I can finally start to move on…

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

At their first stop in the States, Sunoo was surprised to find himself sharing a room with Heeseung. The members switched out roommates, usually for every stop, with one of them either rooming with a manager or lucking out and getting a single. This time, it was Heeseung and Sunoo, Jay and Sunghoon, Jake and Riki, and Jungwon in a room with Yuki.

His nightmares made Sunoo worry about sharing a room. He had no idea if he moved or spoke when he had them, but hopefully even if he did, it wouldn’t be enough to wake Heeseung who slept like the dead.

That night, as they prepared for bed, Heeseung glanced at Sunoo every so often. The eldest of their group could be unnaturally observant at times. So far, Sunoo had avoided any confrontation with him, but sharing a room would make that more difficult.

“What is it, hyung?” said Sunoo, finally fed up.

Heeseung’s ears turned red at getting caught. “Nothing, nothing. But, uh, what is that?”

“What is what?” Sunoo looked down at what he’d just taken out of his suitcase and blushed.

“Oh, this?” He held up the large fox plushie which was still a little squashed from being stuffed to fit in the suitcase with his other things. “It was a gift from Sunghoon. It’s been helping me sleep.”

He hugged it to his chest in adoration. Though he knew it was strange for a 21-year-old man to cuddle with a plushie at night, he couldn’t help it. Hoonie really did help him sleep.

Heeseung’s entire face softened at the adorable sight of Sunoo hugging the plushie. “That’s good. I’m glad you’re sleeping better,” he said, giving Sunoo a small smile.

Sunoo sighed and threw himself on the bouncy hotel bed, closing his eyes as soon as his head hit the mattress. “Me too.”

Heeseung took in a breath as he sat down on his own bed. Sunoo tensed slightly, feeling in his bones what was about to happen.

There had been a time, however brief, when Heeseung was the first person Sunoo would go to with all his thoughts and problems. When they first debuted, they’d been very close. Over time, they each became closer to different people and naturally drew apart.

Sometimes Sunoo missed what they had, but he couldn’t deny that he and Heeseung weren’t the most compatible. The way they viewed the world was just too different. Though they rarely, if ever, actually argued, it was all too easy to fall into a rhythm of not speaking with one another, not making an effort to really see each other outside of work.

Despite that, Sunoo treasured the relationship he had with Heeseung and trusted him implicitly. He knew if he wanted to go to Heeseung with something, he could; he just might not like the advice he got in return.

On top of that, Sunoo could only imagine the pressure Heeseung was constantly under, as the main vocalist and center of the group. He really respected Heeseung’s decision to turn down the leader position when they first started out—Jungwon being the best choice for leader regardless. Sunoo didn’t want to further burden Heeseung with problems he hoped were already fading away.

So he spared Heeseung the agony of taking a chance.

“I’m going to bed now, but you can stay up playing games if you like, hyung, it won’t bother me,” said Sunoo with a forced cheerfulness, getting up to pull the covers of the hotel bed back. He was already comfortable in a striped pajama set, skin care routine complete, and ready to lie back and pass out before their hectic schedule the next day.

To his surprise, Heeseung didn’t take the out. Fiddling with a loose thread on his worn sweatpants, Heeseung watched Sunoo as he tucked himself into bed, clinging onto Hoonie.

“Sunoo-yah,” he started, hesitant and heavy, “you know, if there’s anything that’s bothering you, you can tell me about it. Anything.”

Sunoo turned over to face away from Heeseung and towards the large hotel window, blocked from view by paneled curtains pulled tight across it. Outside, it was cloudy and very humid, like it had been when they left Seoul. The weather seemed to be following Sunoo everywhere.

For just a moment, he imagined what it would be like to open up and bear his heart to Heeseung.

What would he even say? “Well, hyung, you see, I was actually dating this guy—so sorry, I know we’re not supposed to do that but I was so lonely and he was so nice to me, I just couldn’t help myself—and everything was going great, but then he drugged me and raped me and now I don’t know if I’ll ever date anyone again.”

What would Heeseung even say to that? Sunoo tried to imagine their positions flipped, but simply couldn’t. He couldn’t imagine his kind and silly, yet hardworking and charismatic hyung getting into the same position Sunoo had been in, and he didn’t think Heeseung would be able to relate. So he swallowed those words, burying them deep inside of him until the next time he could journal. A single tear escaped his watering eyes, running over the bridge of his nose until it dampened the pillow below.

Clinging onto Hoonie tighter, he finally replied, “I know, hyung. Don’t worry about me, everything is fine. I promise. Goodnight.”

Heeseung sighed, the breath of it hanging eternally in the air, but then he just softly said, “Goodnight,” and turned off Sunoo’s bedside lamp for him.

Sunoo heard rather than saw him head over to the hotel desk where he had already set up his PC and one of his bajillion keyboards and load up some game Sunoo didn’t know the name of. The clicking sounds of the keyboard faded out as Sunoo’s hammering heart eventually calmed and he drifted off to sleep.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Sunoo jolted awake with a gasp, panting. The first thing he saw were curtains, and not the ones in his dorm. Panicking, Sunoo sat up and looked around. His mind immediately went to That Night. Was it happening again? But then he caught sight of a head of very bright red hair across from him in the other bed. His heartbeat slowed.

No, it was not another rehash of That Night. He was in the U.S., sharing a room with Heeseung. He must have been having a nightmare and that’s why he was so sweaty and panicked. He ran a hand over his face and then glanced at the glowing red letters of the hotel clock. It read 4:29 a.m., which meant Sunoo still had two hours before he had to be awake. But he was too on edge to go back to sleep.

Instead, he got up, grabbed the journal from his bedside table, and went into the bathroom. There he sat on the cold tile floor and wrote until he could no longer feel the throbbing of his heartbeat in his ears.

Dear Heeseung-hyung,

Do you remember that time, right before we debuted, that I was freaking out because I couldn’t get that step down in the Given-Taken choreography? I was so upset; I thought they would rescind my position in the group. You were the only one who noticed something was wrong. Back then, none of us really knew each other well, but somehow, even though we weren’t that close yet, you knew I needed comfort and encouragement. You took me out for ice cream, remember?

I still think about that day. It proved to me that, no matter what, I had a place in this group. You’re the one who told me that. You said, “Would the producers really have chosen you if you weren’t the right person?” and you were right. I couldn’t imagine not being in Enhypen with you and the others. We are the perfect people for this perfect group.

But what if that’s changed? What if what I did, what happened to me, means that I’m no longer perfect for the group? I just don’t feel like I can take that risk. I don’t know if you would understand, hyung. I really hope that you would.

But every time I imagine telling you about it, I freeze up. All the worst case scenarios come to mind. The worst one being you telling me that I can no longer be a part of Enhypen. Not that it’s completely your decision, but the idea of you, or any of the members, rejecting me because of this is… too painful. Unbearable. I don’t know if I would survive it.

So, thank you, hyung, for trying so hard to reach out to me because I know it’s not that easy for you. I’m sorry that I have to keep rejecting you, and Jay, and Jake, and everyone else. Maybe someday I’ll have the courage to open up. But, for now, just keep being my hyung and that will be enough. I’m ready to put this all behind me.

With those final thoughts, Sunoo closed the notebook and set it on the bathroom counter. Then he stripped and showered, washing away the sticky sweat that clung to him still. The hot hotel water burned his back, but Sunoo relished it. It was like burning away the feeling of hands all over his body, a memory he had made up in his head.

As the too-hot water pounded his back, the overwhelming urge to cry rose within him. Biting down on his knuckles, Sunoo’s knees hit the wet, slippery shower floor so hard he worried there would be bruises. Blindly, he reached for something, anything, to make this horrendous downpour stop. His hand closed around the razor perched on the side of the shower tub, which he’d used earlier to shave his legs.

Sunoo stared at its plastic form and without another thought, dug his hand into the blades. He barely felt it cut into his skin, though he was quick to pull his hand apart. The satisfying stinging sensation that followed had his sobs ceasing. Blood welled up from three shallow cuts and dripped down over his palm and wrist to the shower floor, where the swirling water quickly washed it away.

Red, then pink, then nothing as it swirled down the drain. How Sunoo wished everything could go so easily.

Chapter Text

Later, Sunoo would remember the day it happened in vivid detail. The swollen clouds that had hovered endlessly over Seoul for the past month finally opened up and poured down on them all. Lightning and thunder cancelled a national baseball game against Japan. Gangnam district and the surrounding areas remained under a strict flood watch for an entire week.

Through it all, outside of schedules, Enhypen was tucked away in the safety of their warm, dry dorm where, about a week after returning from the U.S., the members got together for a video game night. Jake, Jay, and Heeseung all wanted to play Riki’s new game from the States, so they decided to make it a group thing. Though Sunoo couldn’t be bothered with video games, he agreed to eat ice cream with Jungwon while the rest battled each other.

Once everything was set up, a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream softening on the coffee table while Hoonie the fox plushie saved his spot next to Jungwon, Sunoo excused himself to the bathroom.

“You better hurry up or I’m going to beat the hyungs before you even get back,” said Riki cockily from his place in front of the television.

Jake slapped the back of his head. “In your dreams, loser.”

Sunoo shook his head, the interaction bringing about an amused giggle. They all smiled at the sound.

Ruffling Riki’s hair on the way out, Sunoo headed for the bathroom where he quickly took care of business and washed his hands.

Before he could return to the living room, his phone buzzed. He picked it up to find a message waiting for him.

Unknown Number
[Sent a video.]
If you don’t call me back, I’m going to leak this to the media.
Respond to me within the next 24 hours.
Think carefully about what you do next, Sunoo.

At first, Sunoo was confused. It was a testament to how far he’d come that it did not immediately occur to him what the video could be. He did sometimes get unknown number texts thanks to sasaengs (at which point he usually had to change his number), but receiving a video message was new to him. An innocuous fuzzy gray background served as the thumbnail.

Perhaps that’s why he didn’t think twice before clicking on it.

As soon as the video played, Sunoo’s hands started to shake. His heartbeat picked up, the sound of it throbbing in his ears. The world stopped. The phone fell out of his numb fingers and clattered to the ground. The video’s sound continued to play in the background. Sunoo stood there, frozen, as the noises made their way to his ears in the echoey chamber of the bathroom.

A voice from outside, shouting, came to him. “Sunoo-hyung, are you ever coming back?”

It was Riki from the living room. Like a crack of thunder shaking the room, his voice jolted Sunoo out of his horrified trance and he stooped to pick up the phone, fumbling fingers grasping desperately to stop the video from playing any longer. Tears blurred his vision and his knees gave out as he clutched the phone in both hands, mortified beyond belief.

Sunoo forced himself to breathe in and out slowly, following the techniques he’d learned from Jay.

“You have to calm down, you have to calm down,” he said to himself, rocking back and forth on his feet. He pressed a hand hard into the two small scratches underneath the thin material of his pajama pants, not stopping until they throbbed with pain.

Eventually, this worked, and he stood on shaky legs. Catching his reflection in the bathroom mirror, he found the same pale, terrified version of himself from the morning after That Night. It all came rushing back.

This time, though, Sunoo was at a crossroads he couldn’t take alone. He had to tell someone because if there was a video, and that video could be leaked, it was no longer just about him.

“How could you be so stupid, Kim Sunoo?” he scolded the vision in the mirror, a few tears leaking down his cheeks.

“Sunoo-hyungggg!” came Riki’s voice again.

“Don’t rush on his account!” called Jungwon immediately after.

Sunoo’s hand tightened around his phone. Even if it killed him, he had to tell the others.

Hands shaking and phone clutched to his chest, he opened the bathroom door and walked out. There, sitting in a scattered bunch on the couch and floor, were his group members, their happy faces highlighted in the dim light of the living room and the TV.

“Oh good, you’re here, we can get started,” Riki said before he looked up at Sunoo. “Hyung, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

The acute panic in his voice and the way he began scrambling to his feet alerted the others and everyone turned to look at Sunoo. He was sure he looked awful, face pallid with fear and tears still streaked down his cheeks. Rather than respond to Riki, he searched the room for his confessor.

“Heeseung-hyung, can I please talk to you? Alone?” said Sunoo robotically, looking at Heeseung but avoiding his eyes.

Heeseung straightened up in his seat, putting his controller down. He and Jay shared a glance that Sunoo couldn’t decipher. Jungwon’s hand darted out to prevent Riki from going over to Sunoo, his own eyes on Heeseung’s face.

“Yeah, of course. Let’s go to my room,” Heeseung said, standing.

He came over and was about to wrap an arm around him when Sunoo abruptly moved away, heading to Heeseung’s room on his own. Throwing the door open, he made a beeline for the bed. The door shut with a quiet click.

Heeseung’s presence behind him was like a cold gust of wind; he couldn’t see it, but he could feel it all over his body, sending chills up his spine.

“Sunoo?” prompted Heeseung after they had been just standing there for perhaps a minute.

Sunoo shook himself. He turned around, trying not to appear as horrendous as he felt. By Heeseung’s wrinkled brow and downturned lips, he guessed he wasn’t doing a very good job.

Sunoo glanced at the bed. In typical Heeseung fashion, it was unmade but clean, the duvet drawn back just enough to show where Heeseung had gotten out of it. His wrinkled sheets were white and spotless.

Sunoo gestured to it. “Can I sit?”

“Of course,” Heeseung said. He hesitated before moving to the desk chair, pulling it around to face Sunoo before sitting down, steepling his fingers as he gazed at Sunoo.

Sunoo studied the fake wood panels of the floor.

“Sunoo-yah,” said Heeseung carefully, “what is it that you wanted to say? Is… is something going on? Are you okay? Tell me what it is.”

Sunoo sniffled, eyes on his nervously twisting hands in his lap. He was desperately trying not to cry—he didn’t want to start the conversation off blubbering in tears.

“Hyung,” he finally started, shakily, “I think I have to leave Enhypen.”

Heeseung’s mouth fell open, brow furrowing further. Clearly, whatever he’d been expecting Sunoo to say, it was not that. Tense now, he flexed his hands before responding.

“Sunoo-yah, why would you say that? We’d never want you to leave the group,” he said, voice so earnest and genuine that it broke Sunoo’s heart.

He laughed, a tad hysterical. Would Heeseung really feel that way after learning the depth of the mess Sunoo was in, and how badly it could affect the group? He wiped his eyes free of the tears that had automatically welled up at the thought.

Still avoiding Heeseung’s gaze, Sunoo spoke. “That’s nice of you to say, but I think when you find out what I… what’s happened, you’ll feel differently.” Then, with a surge of anxiety-driven confidence, Sunoo thrust out his phone to Heeseung. “Here, just look at this. It’ll explain everything.”

Heeseung eyed him before taking the phone from Sunoo. He turned it over carefully in his hands before giving it back. “You have to unlock it first.”

“Oh, right, sorry. Here.” Sunoo unlocked the phone before handing it back. The texts from the unknown number were still open, the small video player appearing at the top.

Heeseung tore his gaze away from Sunoo’s face to focus on the phone. His eyebrow twitched in confusion at the sight of the texts.

“Just—just play the video, hyung,” Sunoo choked out.

Throat bobbing in a nervous swallow, Heeseung pressed play. Sunoo watched his hyung as he watched the video. Even the sounds of it, quiet as they were, were almost too much for him. At first, Heeseung just appeared confused, eyebrows drawing together. But then his expression changed, face dropping into something awful, something Sunoo had never seen before.

Sunoo flinched and began babbling in fear, “Oh, hyung, I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault… I know I messed up, I’m so sorry,” he got more and more choked up as Heeseung continued to stare, frozen, at the video playing far past the point Sunoo had been able to watch.

Sunoo started to cry as the noises intensified and then, abruptly, Heeseung hit the side of the phone, shutting it off, and put it facedown on the desk. His face was very pale and blank as he looked back at Sunoo, who was now biting his knuckles with tears streaming down his face.

“I’m so sorry, hyung, I’m so sorry. I’m so stupid, I ruined everything. I’ll leave the group, I promise. I’m sorry,” the words tumbled out of Sunoo’s mouth against his control, voice rising in pitch and breaking as he cried harder while he spoke.

Heeseung closed his eyes, another expression that Sunoo didn’t recognize overtaking him for the briefest of moments before he opened them again, gaze now very soft as he took Sunoo in. Leaning forward in the chair, Heeseung reached out one of his familiar hands to gently take Sunoo’s in his own, pulling it away from his mouth. He moved slowly, like Sunoo was a wild, wounded animal liable to bolt at any minute.

“Sunoo-yah,” said Heeseung, voice coming out strangled before he got it under control, “Sunoo, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not!” Sunoo burst out before Heeseung could say anything else, eyes squeezing shut and voice rising to hysterical levels. He hated empty platitudes. They would only make it more painful when it was decidedly not okay. “It’s not okay, hyung, don’t lie to me!”

Sunoo was loud enough that the others could probably hear every word he said through the door, but he didn’t know how to control his volume right now.

Heeseung paused, still holding loosely onto Sunoo’s hand. “Okay,” he said, “you’re right. It’s not okay.” He waited for Sunoo to stop hyperventilating before continuing. “It’s not okay. But it’s going to be. Hyung is going to make it okay.”

The rapid rise and fall of Sunoo’s chest eased as he took in Heeseung’s words. To say they were not what he’d been expecting was an understatement. He breathed in and out shakily, but he’d stopped actively crying, a few stray tears still trickling down his face.

“But in order for me to do that,” said Heeseung, voice still soft and calm, “I need you to tell me exactly what happened. Can you do that?”

Sunoo thought about this for a moment. When he’d been in the bathroom, deciding he had to come clean, his whole plan had been to show Heeseung the video, accept getting kicked out of the group, and—leave? He wasn’t sure what he’d expected.

Finally, swallowing down more tears, Sunoo nodded slowly. “Okay,” he whispered. “I’ll tell you everything.”

And just like that, Heeseung’s warm hand still covering his own, Sunoo told him what happened as he remembered it.

“One day, maybe a month and a half ago now,” it was strange how both long and short the time since felt, “I went to stay over at my—my boyfriend’s place. We were just having a movie date but, you know, it’s easier to meet somewhere… private.”

Sunoo sucked in a deep breath while Heeseung nodded, understanding the trials and tribulations of idol dating well. Sunoo found the courage to continue in the comforting squeeze of Heeseung’s fingers around his own.

“I remember getting into his car—he picked me up here,” Sunoo recalled, “and then we were driving, and then… and then the next morning I woke up. In his bed. Naked.”

Heeseung’s jaw clenched hard at these words, but he still didn’t say anything, waiting for Sunoo to finish. Suddenly, Sunoo was glad he’d chosen to confess to Heeseung. Jay wouldn’t have been able to hold back a reaction, though Sunoo could only imagine what it would have been.

“And, well, you saw what led to that,” he said, looking down. “After I woke up, I realized that something was—was wrong, even though I couldn’t remember anything from the night before, and so I got out of there as quickly as I could. I had no idea he’d filmed anything—I mean I didn’t even know if we had—”

Sunoo shook his head, unable to finish the sentence.

“But I left, and I thought that was the end of it, you know? I stopped talking to him, I blocked him on everything, and eventually he stopped trying to contact me. But just when I was fine again, and I had moved past it and all that, he sent that,” Sunoo tipped his chin towards the phone on Heeseung’s desk, “and told me I had 24 hours to respond. And that’s everything, I promise.”

Heeseung said not a word throughout, expression unchanging. When Sunoo finished, he asked, “And who is this guy? Your… ex-boyfriend?”

Sunoo swallowed. “He’s a photographer named Choi Doyun. We worked with him, remember? He was at the Vogue shoot.”

Heeseung’s face shuttered, as though it hadn’t occurred to him Sunoo could have possibly met this guy when he was there. That he met him too, even talked to him.

“I see,” said Heeseung.

Sunoo tensed at his extreme non-reaction.

“Hyung, I—I’m so sorry. This is really bad, isn’t it? I’ve messed everything up,” he said, biting the knuckles of the hand Heeseung wasn’t holding.

Heeseung’s other hand came up to snatch Sunoo’s raw red knuckles away from his mouth so he held both of Sunoo’s hands tenderly in his own.

“No, Sunoo, you haven’t messed anything up. It’s not your fault,” said Heeseung, looking Sunoo in the eyes as if he could transmit the strength of this statement through them alone.

Sunoo broke down crying. “How can you say that? He has a video.”

“I know,” said Heeseung, voice tight. “But we’re not going to worry about that right now. Sunoo, are you injured anywhere? Did you go to the doctor?”

He looked Sunoo up and down like he might suddenly find hidden injuries on him.

“What—what do you mean?” said Sunoo.

“After that night, did you go get checked out or anything?”

Sunoo shook his head. “No, of course not. You’re the first person I’ve told anything about this.”

Heeseung’s hands tightened around Sunoo’s. “I see, okay. I don’t want to freak you out, but we have to take you in for a doctor’s appointment.”

“Why?” said Sunoo. “All my injuries have healed.”

Heeseung’s jaw clenched at the mention of injuries. He had to visibly force himself to relax in order to speak. “I know, but I think you should get tested. I didn’t see him… put on a condom.”

Sunoo gasped, tearing his hands from Heeseung’s to cover his mouth in horror. “Oh my god, I didn’t even think of that. Oh my god, hyung.” He started crying all over again. “Do you think I have an STD?”

Distressed by his hysterics, Heeseung moved from the chair to the bed, sitting down right beside Sunoo to rub his back as he cried.

“Probably not, but we need to get you checked out just in case,” Heeseung said.

He spent some time rubbing Sunoo’s back, the only thing he could think to do to ease Sunoo’s uncontrollable sobs. After several long moments of this, he spoke again out of concern, “Sunoo-yah, please calm down if you can. I’m worried you’re going to pass out.”

Sunoo heaved in several shaky breaths, trying to get himself under control because he could in fact see black spots in his vision. Finally, after several more gasped breaths and by focusing on the steady stroking motion of Heeseung’s hand, he was able to stop hyperventilating.

“Ri—right, so I have to go to the doctor,” Sunoo sniffled wetly. “And what else? Hyung, what happens now? What about the video? Should I call him back? What if I wait too long and he leaks it?”

Heeseung’s hand paused on his back, tightening at the shoulder blade. “You’re not calling him back,” he said firmly. “You’re not going to speak to him ever again. Leave the video to me. I’m going to have to show it to Yuki-hyung, and then he and the company will take care of it.”

A fresh wave of tears flooded Sunoo’s eyes at the mention of the company. “Hyung, don’t you think they’re going to kick me out? If this gets out for Enhypen, it’ll be bad. Like really bad.”

“You’re not getting kicked out of Enhypen,” Heeseung said, so confidently that Sunoo actually believed him for a moment. “Trust me, the company can handle it. We’re going to make sure no one finds out.”

And though Sunoo wasn’t sure how Heeseung could promise that, he was too exhausted to put up a fight. So instead, he simply wiped his eyes and nodded.

“Okay, hyung,” he said in a very small voice.

Heeseung’s hand came to cover his, thumb stroking softly across Sunoo’s skin. “Now as for what else has to happen, I do think that we should tell the others what’s going on—at least some of it. They’re going to have questions anyways.”

Although he didn’t want anyone else to know, Sunoo could see the reason in this. Besides, because of the video, it really did have the potential to affect everyone else. They deserved to know.

“Okay,” he said, “but can you please tell them? I don’t think that I can… do this again.”

“Of course,” said Heeseung immediately, though he must have been dreading it. Sunoo couldn’t imagine what it would be like to tell the other members something like this.

“But don’t show them the video, please,” Sunoo begged. “I don’t want anyone else to see it.”

Heeseung hesitated. “I’m going to have to show it to Yuki.”

“I know,” said Sunoo. “I just don’t want any of the other members to see it.”

Imagining Sunghoon or, worse, Riki, watching that made Sunoo want to puke. Any of them watching it made him want to puke. Why the hell had he thought showing it to Heeseung was a good idea?

Heeseung patted his hand. “Of course. There’s no reason for them to watch it anyways.”

Sunoo met Heeseung’s eyes then, and there was a terrible, sad look in them he’d never seen before. He’d only ever seen his own eyes look like that.

“I’m sorry that you had to,” he said timidly. He hadn’t been thinking right when he forced the phone into Heeseung’s hand.

“Don’t be sorry,” said Heeseung earnestly. “It’s a good thing that you came to me. Sunoo, you did the right thing.”

Sunoo sighed and looked away, studying the rain droplets sliding down the window, sometimes coming together and combining, sometimes vanishing completely before they could complete the journey to the sill below. If it was the right thing, why did it feel so wrong? Maybe he could have taken care of all this by himself. He should have just called Doyun to get it worked out. But he was so scared.

“You did the right thing, please believe that.” Heeseung squeezed Sunoo’s shoulder. “And, Sunoo… for what it’s worth, I’m really sorry that this happened to you.”

Sunoo’s eyes widened. He hadn’t been expecting Heeseung to say that, but it hit him right in the heart, where it hurt most. Not wanting to cry again, he tried for a tremulous smile. It didn’t quite work, but at least he didn’t dissolve into tears once more.

“Thank you, hyung, for listening,” he said softly.

Heeseung pursed his lips and nodded. “Why don’t you stay here, in my room, tonight? I’ll go tell the others what’s going on and then get Yuki-hyung and fill him in. You can rest for a while in the meantime, while we figure out what to do next.”

“Okay,” said Sunoo. “But, um, maybe you could ask Riki to stay with me? I don’t want to be alone.”

Even in the comfort of Heeseung’s room, Sunoo felt so small and alone, and he was sure he’d have terrible nightmares from the part of the video he had seen, as well as rehashing That Night for Heeseung.

A ghost of a smile tugged at Heeseung’s lips at the request. “I’ll send him in.”

Then he left, and Sunoo let out one last, shaky breath before flopping back on the bed, the smattering rain outside his only company.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

It wasn’t long before Heeseung’s door creaked open again and Riki popped his head in.

“Sunoo-hyung? Can I come in?” Riki said softly.

Sunoo sat up and patted the bed next to him. “Yes, please.”

Riki entered the room, closing the door behind him. He was also holding onto Hoonie, the fox plushie Sunghoon had given to Sunoo. Behind him, Sunoo could hear the gentle murmur of voices in the living room before they were blocked out once again.

“He didn’t tell you anything yet, right?” said Sunoo as Riki made his way over to the bed.

He shook his head. “Nope. He just said you needed me.”

He handed Hoonie to Sunoo, who immediately hugged the plushie and buried his face in its soft fur. Riki simply stared at Sunoo with wide, unguarded eyes. In his navy blue pajama set, with his blond hair loose and fluffy around his face, he reminded Sunoo so much of the fourteen-year-old Riki who used to climb into bed with him whenever he felt homesick.

Sunoo sighed in relief. It was nice to know that, for now at least, Riki was in the dark about what had happened. Though that would change soon, he was glad they could have tonight.

Riki sat down on the bed beside him, where Heeseung had been before. But unlike Heeseung, Riki went right in for a hug, pulling Sunoo into his chest.

“I don’t know what happened, but whatever it is, I’m here for you,” whispered Riki.

Tears burned in Sunoo’s eyes at the warmth surrounding him. Turning his face into Riki’s shoulder, he hugged back tightly, squishing Hoonie between them. Suddenly he realized that this was what he’d been waiting for all this time. A hug. He couldn’t blame Heeseung for not doing so; he’d clearly been afraid that any sort of abrupt touch would set Sunoo off, but here in Riki’s arms, Sunoo felt safe for the first time since That Night.

Riki held him for a long moment, nose buried in Sunoo’s fragrant hair, before pulling back enough so they could see each other. Sunoo’s swollen eyes met Riki’s warm ones.

“Do you want to cuddle?” asked Riki and Sunoo nodded.

Riki got up to turn the lights off while Sunoo pulled back the duvet. Then, Riki clambered into bed, holding Sunoo against his chest. And though it reminded Sunoo of the past, it was different now.

Riki was taller than Sunoo now. He was no longer so scrawny and bony, elbows and ribs poking Sunoo in the side uncomfortably when they cuddled. And instead of Sunoo holding Riki against him, a comforting weight when Riki felt homesick, now it was the other way around. Riki’s strong arms gathered Sunoo against his body, which was firm and solid and real.

Sunoo buried his nose in the skin of Riki’s neck, breathing in. He smelled clean and familiar, and eventually the heavy, rhythmic sound of Riki’s breathing overcame the sound of the storm outside and Sunoo finally, finally fell into a peaceful sleep.

He’d deal with everything else in the morning.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Unfortunately, it was not quite morning when Sunoo was roused next. Instead, at around 4:00 a.m., a hand shaking his shoulder had Sunoo’s eyes cracking open. Behind him, with an arm wrapped around his waist, Riki still breathed deeply in sleep.

“What is it?” mumbled Sunoo as he struggled to open his eyes fully.

A vague shadow was leaning over him and Sunoo flinched before his vision came into focus and he realized it was just Heeseung.

Heeseung was immediately apologetic. “Sorry, Sunoo-yah,” he said quietly so as not to wake Riki. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” whispered Sunoo. “I was just still sleepy.” He sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes. Riki’s arm fell from around his waist but he continued to snore away. “What is it? Did something happen?” Then, remembering the events of the night before, he tensed and looked at Heeseung. “Oh my god, did he leak—”

“No, it’s nothing like that,” Heeseung interrupted quickly, putting his hand gently on Sunoo’s arm. “Yuki-hyung wanted me to wake you up. We have to… deal with some stuff.”

Sunoo nodded and gathered himself internally. “You… told him then.”

“I did,” said Heeseung.

Now that Sunoo’s eyes had adjusted to the darkness, he saw how exhausted Heeseung looked, with dark eyebags haunting bloodshot eyes. A stab of guilt tore through Sunoo at the sight. His hyung must not have slept at all that night.

Heeseung continued, “Now, don’t worry too much, but after conferring with the company, we decided we have to move quickly. Can you be ready to leave in about twenty minutes? Just wear some of my stuff.”

Sunoo nodded, stumbling out of bed. He was a little shocked by how dead asleep he’d been in Riki’s arms, but not ungrateful. He cast a glance back to where Riki had, in Sunoo’s absence, curled in on himself. Very gently, he patted Riki’s head.

“I’ll let Jay know to tell Riki where you are,” said Heeseung.

Before leaving for the bathroom, Sunoo paused by Heeseung’s dresser. “Uh, what kind of clothes should I wear? Where… where are we going?”

Heeseung came up close to Sunoo then, putting a hand on his shoulder. “We’re going to the police.”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

It took Yuki and Heeseung the entire car ride to the police station to convince Sunoo that this was the right decision. To his credit, Yuki, while also outwardly exhausted, was extremely gentle with Sunoo and did not directly bring up what Heeseung must have told him had happened.

All he said was, “The company has already submitted a report to the police, and due to the nature and potential breadth of the crime, we were told to move quickly.”

“The breadth of the crime?” Sunoo questioned, clutching Heeseung’s hand so tightly in the backseat he worried he might be cutting off his hyung’s circulation.

Yuki sighed, hands tightening around the wheel as he studied Sunoo through the rearview mirror. “They suggested they may have reason to believe this is not the first time he’s done this.”

Sunoo’s heart leapt in his chest. “What—what does that mean?”

Heeseung and Yuki shared a look in the rearview mirror, and then Heeseung squeezed Sunoo's hand and said, “It means there might be other victims.”

Sunoo’s heart dropped again, mind racing. It had honestly never occurred to him that he might not be the only… victim. How was that possible? Did that mean Doyun had done this to other idols? Did people know about it? Had everyone known about it?

On top of that, Sunoo was still worried about one thing in particular. “But what if they don’t believe me? It’s not like I have physical… proof,” he said in a shaky voice.

It was his worst fear. That he would come clean to someone and they wouldn’t believe a word he said—especially since his injuries had long healed and he never bothered to take pictures of himself or collect any other kind of “evidence.” He wouldn’t have even known how to.

Heeseung’s hand tightened impossibly around his own. “Sunoo, even though there’s no physical evidence anymore, the video makes it quite clear that this was… not consensual.”

The words had Yuki’s jaw clenching. Sunoo’s chest burned, and he wondered if Yuki had seen the video too. He knew he probably had, since Heeseung had said he would show it to him, but Sunoo just couldn’t imagine his responsible, almost parental manager watching something like that.

“He basically signed his own arrest warrant by sending you that,” said Yuki as he turned down another water-logged street. “Anyways, don’t worry about it. HYBE has great lawyers and you’re going to be in good hands.”

Eventually, Sunoo just nodded and leaned his head against Heeseung’s shoulder, heart still thumping nervously. A part of him still genuinely believed there was no way the police would take him seriously.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

They had to run through the rain to get inside the station, Yuki holding an umbrella over Heeseung and Sunoo’s heads. They all got wet regardless, as a violent wind whipped water in their direction, stinging any exposed skin.

Inside, they were met with a member of HYBE’s legal team, who walked them through what was going to happen next. She reassured Sunoo that preventing the spread of the video was their top priority and they had it handled. All he needed to do was provide the police with an official statement so they could make an arrest.

Sunoo sat quietly in an uncomfortable chair across a metal table from two stone-faced officers in uniform. Rather than a formal interrogation room, they were in some kind of office, with a large desk pushed into the corner to make room for the table. He cleared his throat awkwardly when the officers introduced themselves as Detectives Hong and Choi, and then returned the greeting.

“Would you like to be alone while we conduct the interview?” asked Detective Hong with a nod of his shiny bald head in Heeseung and Yuki’s direction.

Heeseung’s mouth tightened and he looked almost ready to protest, but Sunoo beat him to it. He grabbed both Yuki and Heeseung by the hands and pulled them closer.

“No, please, I’d like them here,” he squeaked out, intimidated for no reason. He also felt like he needed them there to corroborate his story since they had seen the video. At this point, the cops probably had too, though.

Detective Hong just nodded, and gestured for two more chairs to be brought over. Yuki and Heeseung sat down a few inches behind Sunoo like pillars on either side of him. The HYBE lawyer was at the other end of the table, watching with eagle-eyes, no doubt ready to swoop in at any moment to ensure Sunoo didn’t incriminate himself—or the company.

One of the detectives set down a glass of water in front of Sunoo and he gulped it down immediately, nervous. Only the sound of Heeseung’s breathing behind him, steady and real, kept him from running out of the room. This particular area was so far inside the labyrinth of the station that not even the raging storm outside could be heard inside it.

Detective Choi took out a little notebook. He gestured to the wall, where a camera with a red light was set up, and told him everything was going to be recorded. At least, thought Sunoo with sick irony, this time he knew he was on camera.

And then the interview commenced. They asked him to rehash how he and Doyun met, how and when they started dating, and anything he could remember about That Night and the days leading up to and following it.

So Sunoo told them everything. The memory of it brought him back to a time before…

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

SIX MONTHS EARLIER

A bright camera flash had Sunoo blinking in surprise.

“Oh sorry,” said the photographer, pulling it away from his shockingly handsome face to offer an apologetic smile. “You weren’t ready.”

Sunoo shook his head minutely, clearing stars from his eyes, and smiled back. “No, it’s okay. I’m ready now.”

“You look great, Sunoo-ssi,” praised the photographer quietly. He was a tall man, maybe an inch or so taller than Ni-ki, with smooth tan skin covering sharp features that drew attention even from behind the camera.

Sunoo flushed; though he was used to such compliments, he couldn’t help but find the mouth this one was coming from particularly attractive.

“Thank you,” he murmured back, and then focused on posing for the shoot.

The Creative Director, standing a few feet behind the photographer with a gaggle of other staff members, clapped her hands together in delight.

“Great, Sunoo-ssi!” she called, much louder than the photographer had been.

Jungwon, monitoring the shoot in a seat not far from the director and all dressed up to go next, grinned. “Wow, sexy, hyung! Who are you seducing with those eyes?”

Sunoo rolled his eyes, blushing heavily under his makeup at the excessive compliment. It wasn’t so much his expression as the styling for this particular concept that made him “seductive.”

His black hair was tousled with gel so it fell into his face wetly, like he’d been caught in the rain. His makeup emphasized the slant of his eyes and full pout of his mouth, which was painted a darker color than usual. His stylist had said it was for that “vampiric” look, but Sunoo thought it seemed more like he’d just finished being kissed thoroughly.

His outfit, too, screamed seduction, with a tight black harness strapped around his waist over a flowy white blouse and shiny, high-waisted pants that emphasized his hips and ass. It was probably the most overtly sensual outfit Sunoo had ever worn for a shoot.

At least his shirt covered everything, though. They had Ni-ki in a straight up crop-top and Sunghoon in something that basically left his entire chest exposed. Well, good for them—they worked out hard enough at the gym that they deserved to show it off! Sunoo would be way too embarrassed to wear something like that, especially in front of such a dashing photographer.

After Sunoo’s time in front of the camera was up, he left to change out of the rather uncomfortable clothes and grab a snack, as they hadn’t been able to eat lunch yet.

On his way out, he bumped into the photographer and bowed, apologizing. The other man looked Sunoo up and down, smiling and opening his mouth to speak. But before he could, Sunghoon approached with their manager Taepyung trailing behind him holding the phone they typically used for social media.

“Can you film a TikTok Challenge before you change?” asked Taepyung, apologetic since he must have known Sunoo was hungry.

Sunghoon’s gaze was on the photographer, one eyebrow raised, almost as if he were trying to intimidate the other man. The photographer, apparently flustered from Sunghoon’s questioning look, flushed and inclined his head to them before making his way back to the main set where Jungwon was prepping for his shoot.

Sunoo frowned briefly at Sunghoon but decided to let it go. He turned to Taepyung with a bright smile. “Of course! Which one?”

So Sunoo filmed a challenge with Sunghoon that would surely have Engenes in a tizzy. After a few takes—mostly thanks to Sunghoon messing up the choreography twice, which had Sunoo rolling his eyes even as he stifled a giggle—they rewatched the final product.

“Damn, we look good,” said Sunghoon, draping an arm across Sunoo’s shoulders and leaning his head in to get a better look at the phone screen. His dark hair brushed against Sunoo’s cheek and the tops of his fingers trailed over Sunoo’s exposed collarbone, making him flush underneath the makeup.

“We do,” Sunoo agreed with one of his signature eye smiles.

There was no denying how good they looked on camera together. Perhaps that was one of the reasons fans liked the SunSun pairing so much.

With an arrogant, self-satisfied smirk, Sunghoon used his hold on Sunoo’s shoulders to drag him away, giving the phone back to Taepyung.

“Food?” said Sunghoon as he pulled Sunoo along.

Sunoo rolled his eyes at the strange yet very Sunghoon-like behavior, allowing his hyung to manhandle him—for now.

“We have to change first, hyung,” he reminded Sunghoon. “Or else Suji-noona will have our heads.”

Sunghoon chuckled, fangs flashing. “Right, right,” he said, and guided Sunoo into the changing room in the back.

It wasn’t until Sunoo removed the tight pants that he discovered a small piece of paper tucked into the front pocket. It had a number written on it with an accompanying note.

+8228397937
Sunoo-ssi, I hope this isn’t too forward but I’d love it if you texted me sometime. You’re so beautiful. :) — Choi Doyun (the photographer from today)

Stunned, Sunoo gaped down at the note. While he’d been approached by both women and men before, he’d never been slipped a number like this. Unless you counted the time a member of The Boyz wrote his number on an iced coffee before handing it to Sunoo backstage at a music show—in front of all Sunoo’s members, by the way, which had resulted in a ridiculous amount of unrelenting teasing. He’d thought Sunghoon would never let it go.

This time, he wasn’t going to let anyone know. He spared a glance over at his aforementioned hyung to make sure he hadn't noticed anything, only to find Sunghoon busy struggling to remove the strappy harness. His face was a picture of astute concentration, mouth pulled down into a confused frown and thick eyebrows drawn together.

Sunoo covered his mouth to hide a laugh. Sunghoon was so hopeless when it came to things like this. It really shouldn’t be as charming as Sunoo unfortunately found it. He quickly pocketed the note and went over to rescue Sunghoon from his clothing.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

By the time the group returned to the dorm in the wee hours of the morning after a fan meeting and then dance practice, Sunoo had forgotten all about Choi Doyun. Exhausted and determined to get some sleep before they had another schedule the next day, he stripped and prepared to pass out. As he shuffled sleepily over to bed, he noticed a folded white piece of paper on the floor.

Sunoo blinked and picked it up, turning it over in his hands. Should he take the chance and message Doyun? Wasn’t it kind of risky? Sunoo had never been in a relationship before, but some of the others had. While that had never made him jealous, now it gave him pause. Didn’t he deserve to be loved, too? Not that he was going to fall in love with Doyun, necessarily, but it would be nice to have the option.

Curling up in bed, Sunoo decided to leave the question for the morning. The words, “You’re so beautiful,” in that sloppy but readable scrawl ran through his mind. Sunoo blushed, burying his nose in his blanket and giggling at the ceiling.

What could it hurt?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Apparently a lot, according to Jake.

Sunoo had ended up confiding in him, needing only the smallest of nudges to spill the beans on what had him so excited. They were sitting on the couch in their apartment, having just finished dinner—takeout, Jake’s treat—when the topic of conversation shifted to their love lives. If there was anyone Sunoo did, occasionally, talk about romance with, it was his hyung who seemed to have a new girlfriend every week.

Sunoo gushed about the meeting with all but actual hearts in his eyes, “It was so romantic, hyung—he slipped me his number just like that!”

To his surprise, Jake didn’t share his enthusiasm.

Instead he frowned, hands clenching into fists. “I dunno, Sunoo. Seems like kind of a red flag. Isn’t he, like, way older than you?”

Sunoo’s mouth turned down and he poked Jake in the side. “What are you talking about? What’s wrong with giving someone your number? And he’s not that much older.”

This wasn’t entirely true. Doyun, Sunoo had discovered after some mild online stalking, was thirty six, making him a full fifteen years Sunoo’s senior. But Sunoo was an adult, so what did it matter?

“He should have asked for it in person,” Jake insisted, crossing his arms over his chest.

Sunoo gaped, astounded, resent pooling in his belly. “Sunghoon-hyung was right there! And besides, what was he supposed to do, interrupt the photoshoot just to hit on me?”

Jake grew more frustrated and stood, pacing with his arms crossed as if he couldn’t bear to sit still. He huffed at Sunoo, “Isn’t that basically what he did? Who uses work as an excuse to get someone’s number?”

Sunoo scoffed, growing more flustered. “No, that’s not at all what he did.”

Jake continued as if he hadn’t heard Sunoo speak. “And your age gap is too big. He could take advantage of you.”

Sunoo rolled his eyes. “Please, hyung, I’m an adult. I think I can tell when someone is trying to take advantage of me.”

“You may be an adult, but you don’t have a lot of experience with—with men, Sunoo! You don’t know how they can be,” said Jake, practically shouting now. He had stopped pacing and stood in front of Sunoo with his hands on his hips like Sunoo’s mother would when she was scolding him.

The entire conversation shocked Sunoo, but this moment stood out more than anything. It wasn’t like Jake at all to raise his voice in any way, especially with Sunoo. But he was also a little hurt by Jake’s apparent lack of faith in his judgment. And ability to take care of himself.

“I am a man,” said Sunoo pointedly, lowering his voice in response to Jake’s raised tone. “Why are you acting like this? Shouldn’t you be happy for me?”

Jake heard the hurt in Sunoo’s tone and sighed, softening. His arms came down and he reached out as if to pat Sunoo on the shoulder. But his hand fell away before he could complete the movement, taking in Sunoo’s now closed-off body language—arms crossed, biting his lip with the slightest glimmer of tears burning his eyes.

“Of course I’m happy for you. I just… got bad vibes from him. And he’s too old for you,” said Jake, wrinkling his nose at the memory of the cheesy photographer whose eyes had been on Sunoo the entire time they were at the shoot.

Jake hadn’t liked it one bit, the way those eyes scanned Sunoo’s body, how he smirked every time Sunoo opened his mouth. He knew what it looked like when a man wanted to sleep with someone, and that’s exactly how the photographer had eyed his dongsaeng—like he was imagining how Sunoo would look stripped of that ridiculous harness and laid out in bed.

Sunoo narrowed his eyes. “You’re just mad because he’s taller than you,” he decided, going low since Jake clearly wasn’t taking him seriously.

It was Jake’s turn to gape now. “What? Of course I’m not! Sunoo, I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“So I shouldn’t message him just because you have a bad feeling? Hyung, be so for real,” sniffed Sunoo, rolling his eyes again. “He’s the first guy who’s shown any interest in me whatsoever in, like, years. This might be the only time I have the chance to get a boyfriend. Don’t I deserve to find love too?”

Jake just frowned harder at that. “That doesn’t mean you should—should settle for some random old guy. And that’s not even true, by the way. Plenty of guys have shown interest in you, you just don’t notice because your head is always stuck in the clouds!”

Sunoo scoffed. He couldn’t recall a single instance of a man hitting on him, flirting with him, or even sparing a charming smile in his direction in at least a year. It was like there was some curse set upon Sunoo that warded all men off. Aside from the other Enhypen members, of course, but that was different.

“I can’t believe you’re not happy for me,” Sunoo responded, disappointment obvious in his tone, shoulders sinking down in defeat. “I’m going to bed.”

“Sunoo, wait—”

But Sunoo was already flouncing out of the room, pride hurt and mind racing, leaving Jake staring after him from the couch with his mouth twisted down into an uncharacteristic frown, wondering where he’d gone wrong.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Sunoo did message Doyun, though not the next day or the day after that. Jake’s reaction echoed in Sunoo’s head, frustrating him. He just couldn’t see whatever it was that Jake saw and felt his hyung was being overprotective.

Plus, Sunoo reminded himself, Jake had girls basically throwing themselves at him left and right. He couldn’t possibly begin to understand Sunoo’s predicament of having limited options.

Still, it wasn’t until Enhypen had the world’s shortest break—one whole day—that Sunoo decided to reach out. He was relieved when Doyun texted him back almost immediately. For Sunoo, a communicative person was not just a want—it was a must. There was nothing he hated more than being ignored.

Sunoo saved Doyun as photo-hyung 📸 in case his phone was hacked or, worse, his members snuck a peek at his phone. Not that they would do so with bad intentions, they were just nosy. And Sunoo worried Jake might have said something to them.

One day, after a few weeks of texting back and forth regularly, Doyun asked him out on a date.

photo-hyung 📸
So, Sunoo, we’ve been talking for a while now
And I was wondering if you wanted to meet up in person sometime
I know you’re busy tho, so just LMK when’s a good time for you :)

Kim Sunoo
I would love to!
I don’t have any free time until next week though.
Is that okay?

photo-hyung 📸
Damn, not until next week?
JK, I was actually worried it would be way longer than that
That’s great, what day do you have free?

Kim Sunoo
I think Wednesday, but I have to check the schedule.
What do you want to do?

photo-hyung 📸
Anything, I’d just like to see you IRL :)
What can you do as an idol and all, Mr. Famous?

Kim Sunoo
Haha good question
I guess we could meet up at a café?

photo-hyung 📸
Hm, kinda lame for a first date, don’t you think?

Kim Sunoo
Is this a date? 👀

photo-hyung 📸
Oh, was it not obvious?
Yeah, I’m asking you out, Sunoo :)
Still interested?

Kim Sunoo
☺️ Definitely
But, jsyk, I like a man who asks first 😉

photo-hyung 📸
Whoah, got it :)
I’ll be sure to do that in the future.
Kim Sunoo, will you go on a date with me?

The interaction made Sunoo blush furiously and kick his legs back and forth, squealing and rolling around on his bed. Doyun was basically his ideal type. Taller than him, handsome but not intimidatingly so, muscular, manly, nice to Sunoo, good at carrying conversations, and, importantly, very openly into Sunoo—at least over text. He was excited to get to know him better in real life. There wasn’t even a hint of a red flag so far—take that, Sim Jaeyun!

The two of them set plans to go out to dinner at a popular idol dating spot where there was guaranteed privacy. Sunoo glammed himself up and snuck out—though it wasn’t very difficult, all things considered. All the members had plans since it was one of their few free days that month.

The date was everything Sunoo had ever dreamt of. Doyun sat across from him, sharp features highlighted in the rosy light of a candle, all of his attention on Sunoo. He was even dressed the way Sunoo liked, in a soft navy blue turtleneck sweater that emphasized the broadness of his shoulders rather than the typical first date wear of a stuffy button-up under a suit jacket.

But, then, they had spent quite some time talking fashion, Sunoo thought with a blush. Perhaps it was these discussions that had inspired Doyun to dress in that manner.

“We’ll have a bottle of the Cab Sauv,” Doyun told the waiter confidently when he came to take their orders. He flashed Sunoo a charming smile. “Trust me, you’ll love it.”

Sunoo just smiled back, nodding, though he tended to prefer a Sangiovese when it came to red wine. It wasn’t a big deal—and he trusted Doyun to know what he was talking about.

The waiter returned shortly and poured them both their drinks.

“Here’s to a first date a long time coming,” said Doyun, raising his glass. Sunoo giggled and tipped their glasses together with a light clink. Doyun’s voice dropped low, “You look so beautiful tonight, by the way.”

Sunoo blushed. He had never met a man so free with compliments as Doyun, and he was eating it up. He did feel very beautiful indeed in soft black slacks and a loose, flowy white top. In many ways, it mirrored the outfit he’d been wearing when they first met—non-slutty version.

“Thank you, hyung. You look so handsome,” he said, returning the compliment before taking a sip of the wine. He hid a wince at the acidic taste behind the glass.

Doyun smiled, eyes crinkling handsomely. The candle light softened his features so that he appeared younger than he usually did. While Doyun’s age had never bothered Sunoo, he did find himself thinking about it more because Doyun tended to bring up how young Sunoo was all the time. But Sunoo never felt condescended by him so, again, it wasn’t a big deal.

The rest of the date went smoothly, the conversation flowing just as smoothly as it did over text. Doyun was knowledgeable in many topics, particularly those related to their industry, and entertained Sunoo with seemingly endless amusing stories about the various characters he had met while freelancing.

At the end of the night, Doyun dropped him off in an alleyway near the apartment. Before Sunoo could get out of the car, he leaned in close, stroking Sunoo’s cheek with a thumb. Sunoo’s heart thumped in his chest.

“Can I kiss you?” Doyun whispered into the air between them.

Sunoo could only nod, dazzled, before their lips met.

After he left, Sunoo buzzed with happiness. It was dampened only slightly when he passed by Jake’s room and saw the light still on underneath the door. He faltered, wishing he could barge in and tell Jake all about the date—he’d been kissed! But Sunoo squared his shoulders. He hadn’t done anything wrong. If Jake wanted to talk to him, he could—after apologizing.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Sunoo 💖
noona, i have something to tell you
can we call later?

Noona 💕
😮 Ooh what is it?
And yes, when I get off work
I’ll text you!

Sunoo 💖
hehe it’s good news
and yay!
talk soon

Noona 💕
Okay off work now, call whenever!

The phone only rang once before his noona picked up.

“Sunoo-yah, how dare you not call me all week!” she scolded as soon as she picked up the phone.

Sunoo laughed, not at all contrite. “I’ve been busy,” he said with an audible pout to his voice.

Seoyeon sighed. “I know, I know, I’ve been following all of Enhypen’s activities as usual. You guys are doing so much! How are you, are you eating enough?”

Sunoo rolled his eyes but smiled. “I’m doing great, noona. They are keeping me well fed.”

“Well good,” she said, and then there was a loud crinkling noise like she was opening a packet of ramyeon. “Now what is it you wanted to tell me?”

Sunoo sucked in a breath, suppressing a stab of anxiety. He just had to rip the bandaid off and hope this didn’t go as poorly as it had with Jake.

“Noona, I’ve started seeing someone,” he confessed into the quiet of his room. He had already triple-checked that his door was locked so no one could barge in on him.

Seoyeon squealed loudly. “Oh my god—wait—what?—who! Sunoo, you didn’t tell me there even was anyone for you to be seeing!”

Sunoo giggled, flapping his feet back and forth on the bed. “Calm down, noona, it happened pretty fast.” He pushed his lips out, thinking about that. “Or, well, not fast since we’ve been talking for a while, but I just wasn’t sure if it was going to go anywhere until recently.”

“Oh my god,” said Seoyeon. “Well, you have to tell me everything—how did you two meet? Who is he? Have you gone on a date? Have you kissed? What do your members think?”

Sunoo winced at the final question, but launched into the full story of how he had met Doyun and their date the other day. Finally, at the end of it, he filled her in on his disastrous conversation with Jake.

“I don’t know, noona, I’m just so mad. How could he act like I’m some kind of little kid?” he said, pouting and crossing his fingers that she wouldn’t take Jake’s side.

There was a slight pause on the other end. “First of all, I’m so happy for you, baby! I can’t believe my little brother is all grown up and has his first boyfriend,” she actually sniffled at this and Sunoo rolled his eyes again. “Doyun-ssi sounds very handsome and kind.”

Sunoo nodded along to this, although he knew his sister couldn’t see him.

Seoyeon continued, “About Jake… Sunoo-yah, you don’t know what it’s like to be an older sibling. Even though I think he may have overreacted, I can see where he’s coming from. Doyun sounds great, but he is quite a bit older than you.” Before Sunoo could interrupt, she said, “Ah, ah, listen to me. I trust your judgment so I won’t hound you on that front, but I’m sure Jake was just concerned because he cares about you so much. Give him a break.”

Sunoo sighed heavily into the phone, frowning. In his heart, he knew she was right. Jake reacted like that because he cared. Even if it hurt Sunoo’s pride, he should try to make up with him.

So he told his sister he would, they chatted for a while about her life, and then they hung up after Seoyeon made him promise to call more often. Sunoo rolled around on the bed, hugging a pillow, and contemplating what to do about Jake. He still wanted his hyung to apologize first, so he’d wait to see if Jake would make a move any time soon.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

A few more days passed of Sunoo giving the cold shoulder to Jake before he finally cracked. It had to have been at Jungwon’s urging, for their leader had instantly noticed when things were off between his roommates and tried several times to force them to make up.

(Of course, really everyone had noticed, since Sunoo ignored Jake whenever they were off camera while Jake followed three steps behind him at all times with the forlorn manner of a lost puppy. Even the ever-oblivious Sunghoon had nudged Jake’s shoulder questioningly one time when he sat next to Sunoo only for Sunoo to immediately stand and sit on the other side of Jay.)

Jake stood at Sunoo’s open doorway, knocking on it lightly. Sunoo was just completing his skincare routine and blinked over at his hyung, who stood there with a sheepish expression.

“Can I help you, hyung?” said Sunoo softly after a moment of silence between them.

Jake shuffled nervously, looking down at his feet. “Can I come in?”

“Of course.” Sunoo might have been a little mad at him, but he would never not let him even enter the same room. And maybe he missed Jake and wanted to make up—maybe. It sort of hurt to see him so unsure.

A slow, surprised smile spread over Jake’s face and he stepped inside. “Whatcha up to?”

“Just getting ready for bed,” said Sunoo, adjusting his Hello Kitty headband, which held his hair out of his face. “What about you?”

He eyed Jake in the mirror. His hyung had come up behind him and was wringing his wrists, a clear sign of nerves.

“Well, I was just—” Jake cut himself off, biting his lip. “Ugh, this is stupid, Sunoo. I’m sorry.”

A flicker of a smile touched the corner of Sunoo’s mouth. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes, not wanting to hurt Jake’s feelings. Straight men were just so bad at apologizing, it was really quite sad.

“Sorry for what?” said Sunoo lightly, picking up a pot of lip mask and dabbing a careful finger into it.

Jake’s eyes shifted and he pursed his lips. “Sorry for, like, being an ass about that guy,” he muttered.

Finally, Sunoo turned towards his hyung with an expression of affectionate annoyance. “Apology accepted,” he said.

Jake perked up like a puppy who had been patted on the head. “Really? Just like that?”

Sunoo laughed. “What, did you think I would hold a grudge?”

“Yeah, kinda. I mean it’s been, like, three weeks,” said Jake, but now he was smiling too. “We good?”

“Of course, hyung,” said Sunoo.

And they were. Energy seemed to flood through Jake’s body at his successful apology and he ruffled Sunoo’s hair, bounding out of the room while belting Helium at the top of his lungs. Sunoo scoffed in disbelief, shaking his head, but the smile didn’t leave his face for the rest of the night.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Idol relationships were typically hard to maintain for two reasons: one, because idols lived very busy lives and two, because everything had to be on the DL. Those five months or so Sunoo was officially dating Doyun were probably the busiest Enhypen had ever been. As such, they only managed to see each other in person a total of maybe six times.

Seeing someone during that time was nice. The moments he met up with his boyfriend—after three more dates, Doyun officially asked him, to which Sunoo replied an enthusiastic “yes”—eased his stress and made him even more cheerful than usual. His members noticed, complimenting his sparkly attitude during their busiest weeks.

“There’s my happy pill,” exclaimed Jay one day, pinching Sunoo’s cheeks. “What’s got you smiling so big?”

Sunoo just shook his head, still smiling. “I’m just happy to be with you, hyung.”

Jay raised his eyebrows, a smug look coming across his face. He glanced around the van at Jake and Jungwon. “Did you hear that? Sunoo is happy to be with me.”

Jake took the bait, pouting. “Sunoo-yah, how can you say that when I, your favorite hyung, am right here?”

Jungwon giggled into his hand. “Well, I’m his favorite dongsaeng.”

He was just lucky Ni-ki wasn’t in the car to argue with that. Sunoo rolled his eyes at the interaction, though he was still smiling.

“Calm down, I meant I’m happy to be with all of you,” he said.

“You seem happiest when you’re on your phone though,” teased Jake, with a tip of his chin at the phone in Sunoo’s hand. He leaned in, eyes gleaming. “Who are you texting on there all the time, Sunny? Is it someone we should know about?”

He made grabby hands at Sunoo’s phone, even reaching out to clasp his wrist.

“None of your business, Sim Jaeyun,” Sunoo gasped, protectively holding the phone to his chest.

Jay and Jungwon laughed, amused by their antics, but Jake’s eyes narrowed, as though he suspected what Sunoo was really hiding. Although they’d made up, they still hadn’t talked about their reason for arguing, which Sunoo was fine with. It was his own private business, after all.

He held Jake’s expression without a hint of abashment. He wasn’t doing anything wrong.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

That weekend, Sunoo went to Doyun’s place for the first time. They’d been circling around the question for weeks until Sunoo finally gave in, recognizing that another car date wasn’t exactly the height of romance. When they set it up, Sunoo made sure to set some boundaries.

Kim Sunoo
i’m looking forward to coming over later, hyung ☺️
but just a reminder that i have to leave by 9 ‘cause of practice tomorrow

photo-hyung 📸
ofc baby
i can even drive you home, if you want?

Kim Sunoo
yes please, hyung 🤗

photo-hyung 📸
you’re so cute
i can’t wait to see you

Kim Sunoo
😚 me too

It wasn’t long into their date that Doyun, seated on the couch next to Sunoo as they watched a drama together, leaned in closer, breath puffing hotly against Sunoo’s ear.

“I don’t know, he seems like a big red flag, don’t you think?” he said about the male lead of the drama they were watching.

Sunoo giggled. “He’s not that bad.”

Doyun smirked against his ear. “You just like him ‘cause he’s handsome.”

Sunoo gasped and slapped Doyun’s thigh lightly. He had moved much closer to Sunoo than when they started.

“That’s not true! I also like him because he’s rich,” he joked.

The vibration of Doyun’s laughter fluttered over Sunoo’s ear. He turned, flustered by their proximity, only for Doyun to lean in and kiss him.

Sunoo got lost in it and before he knew it, Doyun was guiding him back, pressing him into the couch cushions. Sunoo was flat on his back as his boyfriend hovered above him, one hand indenting the couch cushion behind his head, the other cupping Sunoo’s cheek as they kissed.

A hint of discomfort rose in Sunoo when Doyun settled over Sunoo’s bottom half, but the press of his mouth felt so good that he chose to ignore it for the moment. Their legs tangled together, Doyun’s hips resting against Sunoo’s pelvis. They kissed for a long time until Doyun moved away from Sunoo’s mouth to pepper kisses down his throat. It was then that Sunoo felt it, Doyun’s hardness against his thigh.

He gasped, eyes widening.

“Too much, baby?” Doyun muttered against his neck.

“N-no, well, I just—”

Doyun cut him off with a kiss and moved away.

Sunoo stared up at him, a tad embarrassed by his reaction. He just wasn’t ready yet to take things further physically, though he could tell Doyun was starting to get a bit frustrated with his reluctance.

Doyun interrupted his thoughts with a pinch to the nose. “Don’t look at me like that or I really won’t stop,” he teased.

Sunoo blushed harder and sat up, moving away. “Sorry, I just don’t know if I’m ready to go further.”

“That’s okay. Want to continue watching the drama?” Doyun suggested.

His gaze was full of affection, but Sunoo thought he noticed a disappointed tightening of his mouth. They were both ignoring Doyun’s obvious erection.

Sunoo blushed and nodded, and they went back to watching the drama. He insisted they rewind it until they were at the part they’d been before they started making out.

“What, were you too distracted to pay attention or something?” said Doyun into his ear. Sunoo had crawled over to cuddle into his arms.

“Shut up,” said Sunoo, blushing.

They spent the rest of their time like that until Sunoo had to leave. Later, when he thought back to that moment, he was comforted by how quickly Doyun stopped at Sunoo’s first hint of discomfort. He truly seemed like the perfect boyfriend.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

PRESENT

Sunoo didn’t tell the police all this, of course. After they got a general sense of the relationship timeline and what Sunoo remembered from That Night, the officers asked for Sunoo’s phone to be turned over to evidence. He gave it up without protest. Yuki produced a new one for him immediately, and then they were shuffling Sunoo back into the van.

On the car ride back to the dorms, Sunoo gazed out the window at the trees and buildings and streetlamps flashing by, all dampened by the unending rain. Tears trickled down his cheeks as he thought of everything he had lost. Not only his virginity, in the worst way possible, but also all the moments he’d had together with a man he thought… loved him. Or at the very least liked him.

Yuki and Heeseung remained silent, not knowing what they could possibly say to comfort Sunoo. Eventually, Heeseung just took his hand again, holding it like he thought Sunoo might break if he held on any harder.

Wiping his eyes free of tears as they approached the apartment building, Sunoo said in a small voice, “What happens now? Don’t we have a schedule today?”

Yuki glanced at him in the rearview mirror as he pulled up in the back of the building. “Ah, don’t worry about that, Sunoo-yah. We’ve cancelled Enhypen’s schedules for the rest of the week.”

Sunoo’s mouth dropped open and he snatched his hand out of Heeseung’s grasp. “The rest of the week? We can’t do that, we have a comeback soon!”

Yuki pursed his lips. “Sunoo,” he said in a gentle tone, “don’t worry about the comeback, okay? We need to get this all worked out before anything else.”

Sunoo began to panic, chest heaving up and down with the force of his breaths. It was happening. Just like he thought it would. This incident was affecting the group. He was affecting the group. What if it wasn’t just for the week that schedules were cancelled? What if it was forever? Sunoo really had brought an end to Enhypen.

He didn’t even realize that black spots were appearing in his vision again until Heeseung’s hands on his shoulders abruptly drew him out of his hysterical trance.

“Sunoo,” said his hyung urgently, wide eyes and taking in Sunoo’s face, “please calm down. It’s okay. It’s just for this week.”

Yuki jumped in as well. “Sunoo-yah, I promise it’s not going to be for forever. Just this week while HYBE works with the police.”

But Sunoo couldn’t calm down. His hands clenched into fists, nails biting deep into his palms. The small pinpricks of pain grounded him, just for a moment.

“I knew it was going to be like this,” he said bitterly, tears falling down his cheeks. “I’ve messed everything up.”

“No, no, no,” said Heeseung, soothing. He tried to take Sunoo’s clenched fist into his own, but Sunoo stubbornly pulled it away.

“You think I can’t do my job,” Sunoo said to Yuki, then, whose eyes widened.

Yuki turned all the way around in his seat to look at a frantic, red-eyed Sunoo, shaking in the backseat.

“Of course I don’t think that,” said Yuki. “We know you can do your job. You’ve been doing it this whole time, haven’t you?”

Heeseung’s hands tightened on Sunoo’s shoulders. The words managed to pierce through Sunoo’s overwhelming panic enough for him to relax a bit.

“Okay, okay,” he sniffled, “I just really don’t want this to affect the group.”

“I know—we all know that,” said Yuki gently. “Now, Sunoo-yah, I want you to go and get some rest, maybe try to eat something, and then we’ll bring you to the doctor’s office for a checkup, okay?”

This made Sunoo nervous all over again and he bit his lip harshly. The sting of pain grounded him even more than Heeseung’s gentle fingers massaging his shoulders.

But he knew he wouldn’t be able to get out of it, so he simply nodded in agreement. Privately, he thought sleep and hunger would be hard to come by.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Sunoo wasn’t sure what to expect upon his return to the dorm. Heeseung brought him all the way to the front door of the lower floor apartment.

“You should go upstairs and get some sleep, hyung,” said Sunoo softly.

Heeseung’s big doe eyes, framed by purple bags and pale skin, peered down at him. “Sunoo-yah…”

Sunoo looked down at his hands. “Please don’t, hyung. What else is there to say?”

Heeseung did something then that Sunoo hadn’t been expecting—he reached out very slowly and pulled Sunoo into the world’s gentlest hug, like he was an egg and Heeseung was afraid that holding him too tightly would cause Sunoo to crack and spill out all over him. One arm wrapped around Sunoo’s shoulders while the other came up to cradle his head, holding it against Heeseung’s chest.

Tears filled in Sunoo’s eyes at the gesture. Heeseung’s arms were warm, and he smelled like cinnamon and smoke and something else unnameable but deeply familiar to Sunoo.

Sunoo closed his eyes and imagined, for just one small moment, that they were simply hugging because they felt like it. They were celebrating a win or engaging in fanservice. They were hugging because they wanted to, not because Sunoo might shatter into a million little pieces if Heeseung let him go.

Then Heeseung did something he had never done before. He kissed the side of Sunoo’s head. It was just the barest press of chapped lips against Sunoo’s hair, almost unnoticeable. But to Sunoo it was like a shock through his entire body.

In that moment, he realized that no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he wished for it not to be true, things really would never be the same. There would always be some small part of Sunoo that needed to be held together just like this, because the alternative was falling apart completely.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Entering the apartment after that was a feat Sunoo initially thought he wouldn’t overcome. But he did. His legs brought him forward tentatively, as he was expecting to find Jungwon and Jake waiting for him in the living room. He didn’t know what he was going to say, but even the thought of seeing them had him swallowing down nervous bile.

He was wrong.

The living room was empty, but very clean. Jungwon sometimes cleaned when he was particularly stressed out, so this didn’t surprise Sunoo. Instead, both his members were in their respective rooms.

Jake’s door was cracked open with soft guitar music flowing out of it. Further down the hallway, light shone from underneath Jungwon’s door.

Heaving out a shaky breath, Sunoo crept down the hall to his own room. He wasn’t ready to face either of them yet—particularly Jake—and was relieved they were giving him the option to be alone.

After entering his room, he flopped back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Everything was going to change now, wasn’t it? And it wouldn’t end until… until when? Sunoo wasn’t sure.

Although his body was exhausted, he couldn’t fall asleep and reached for his journal, which he had taken to keeping on his nightstand.

Opening it to a fresh page, he wrote:

Dear Yuki-hyung,

I don’t know why I’m addressing this to you, of all people. Shouldn’t I be talking to Heeseung or Riki or something like that? Oh well, I feel like this is more… comfortable for me right now—and it’s my journal, so I can do what I want!

I don’t know how to process the last 24 hours or so. Everything is falling apart. It’s like, before the video, I was unraveling but just at the edges. Just at the corners where it hardly mattered. And I was working on that—I was tying off all the loose strings one by one until I was whole again. But now… everything is unraveling. The tied off ends no longer matter. Everything’s out there, in the open, and I’m so vulnerable and afraid.

People’s reactions have been better than I expected, I guess. But I’m still so afraid. And I’m tired of being afraid, but I don’t know what else to be.

Do you think I have an STD? Because that will be my last straw. I don’t know what I’ll do. Part of me doesn’t want to go to the doctor’s office because then I’ll know for sure, but I know I just have to be an adult about it and go. I don’t feel like an adult right now, though. I don’t even think I feel human. I feel like… a porcelain doll teetering on the edge of a dresser, about to fall off and smash into the ground. That’s not the best metaphor I guess, but I’m no writer.

Your support has been great, hyung, but I’m afraid of what’s to come… I’m always afraid…

Eventually, Sunoo did fall asleep, the journal sitting innocuously on the bed next to him like it wasn’t filled with his deepest thoughts and feelings. Like it wasn’t his last thread still sewn tightly in, holding together a paper person about to be blown off in the wind.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

A few hours later, Sunoo had already been awake for about thirty minutes when there was a knock on the door.

“It’s Jungwon,” came the voice from the other side, quiet and small.

Sunoo sighed and put down his iPad. He’d been trying to find a drama to watch, but none of them seemed appealing.

“It’s open,” he called.

The door creaked open to Jungwon’s familiar face. He appeared tired, as if he, too, had been woken early—or perhaps he’d just had trouble sleeping—but offered Sunoo a small smile. Sunoo tried to smile back.

“Hi,” said Jungwon before glancing around Sunoo’s room, “can I come in?”

“Of course,” said Sunoo.

Jungwon tentatively opened the door more and slipped inside. He stood there for a moment, hands twisting behind his back. Not knowing what else to do, Sunoo just waited.

“So,” Jungwon said finally, “Heeseung-hyung told me you’re going to the doctor’s office later.”

“Yes,” said Sunoo, voice raspy with lack of use.

“I was wondering… if you wanted me to come with you?” Jungwon said it like a question, peering at Sunoo with a bit of hope in his clear eyes.

Sunoo was surprised, blinking. “I mean… you don’t have to. I don’t know if they’ll let you go in or anything.”

“But it might be nice to have someone to wait with you,” said Jungwon. “I mean—if you don’t want me to, I understand, I just thought…”

He trailed off. Sunoo considered this. Did he really want to go to the doctor’s office with just Yuki? Or wake Heeseung again who was probably finally asleep?

But did he want Jungwon there if the doctor revealed Sunoo really had contracted an STD? Sunoo supposed he could just ask Jungwon to leave when they brought the results.

“Okay,” said Sunoo, “sure, I’d like that.”

Jungwon’s face crinkled into a sweet, dimpled smile. “Great. We’re leaving in an hour, Yuki-hyung said.”

Sunoo nodded. Jungwon moved forward, inching towards the bed. Sunoo scooted over to make it obvious he was welcome.

His dongsaeng sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed near Sunoo. “Hyung…”

“What is it, Jungwon-ah?” said Sunoo. His voice was soft and tired, full of the day’s events and a lack of sleep.

Jungwon just blinked at him. He seemed to contemplate his next words, but whatever he might have said, he didn’t. Instead, he gestured to Sunoo’s iPad.

“Do you want to watch something together until we have to leave?” he asked, scooching in closer to Sunoo.

Sunoo smiled and nodded. They selected an episode of a comedy show they’d watched together before, and Jungwon pressed up against Sunoo, his small chin resting on Sunoo’s shoulder, warm and alive and breathing in tandem with him. It was his way of saying, Sunoo knew, that Jungwon was here for him. That Sunoo could tell him anything and everything when he wanted to.

But Sunoo wasn’t ready to do that yet, so he swallowed the words down and tried to let the sound of the drama drown out everything else.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Upon his return from the doctor's office, Sunoo found Jake in the living room, sitting in complete darkness except for the watery gray light filtering in through the curtains, crying.

Jungwon had gone with Yuki to the company to discuss something Sunoo didn’t want to think about right now. He could only guess that it had something to do with him and Enhypen’s cancelled schedules.

Stunned, Sunoo came to a full stop at the edge of the living room, taking in the sight of his normally cheerful hyung hunched over with tears streaming down his face.

Noticing him, Jake startled and quickly wiped his eyes.

“Sunoo! You’re back!” he said, scrambling to his feet. He tried for a smile, but it didn’t look the same with swollen red eyes and tear streaks by his chin.

Sunoo faltered. Jake almost never cried. He could count the time he’d even seen tears in his hyung’s eyes on one hand, probably. Seeing him like this… it almost broke Sunoo. He dropped his bag on the ground.

“Hi, hyung,” he responded softly.

They stared at each other for a moment before both of them opened their mouths at the same time.

“Sunoo, I—”

“Hyung—”

Jake shut his mouth. “You go first.”

“No—I—it’s nothing,” Sunoo said, faltering. Truthfully, he was at a loss for words.

Jake studied him for a moment, and then said softly, “How did it go? The doctor’s appointment, I mean.”

“Oh, it was—it was fine,” Sunoo said with an awkward wave of his hand, as if he were batting away an annoying bug.

And it had been. Fine. Mostly. It had taken less time than Sunoo thought it would. Jungwon held his hand in the waiting room until a nurse took him into the back. He gave a urine sample, got weighed—he’d lost a whopping fifteen pounds since his last appointment—and then the nurse drew some blood.

In the past, Sunoo would look away when he got pricked by a needle, as the sight sometimes made him dizzy and faint. But this time he stared at it, unbothered by and almost enjoying the small prick of pain and the tug of blood leaving him that followed.

After his blood was drawn, Dr. Park, a serene woman with a gentle smile and round glasses, entered the room.

She gave him a full, slightly uncomfortable physical exam, and asked a lot of questions. The cuts on his thighs came up. He avoided her eyes as he claimed they were from a botched shaving attempt. Dr. Park let it go, more quickly than he’d worried she would. She told him his bloodwork and other test results would be back within the week. Sunoo asked if she thought he might have an STD.

Dr. Park peered at him over those round, shiny glasses, but if she pitied him or thought him pathetic and strange, he couldn’t tell. Her gaze was not calculating, just calm, and her subtle reaction dulled his racing heart slightly.

“It’s impossible to know for sure, at this stage, but all things considered you seem to be in great health, Sunoo-ssi,” she’d said then, with a reassuring smile. “While I’m concerned about your weight loss, at the moment I believe that’s been caused by your lack of appetite. But when we get the test results back, we’ll know more and call you.”

Sunoo let out a heavy breath. Dr. Park prescribed him a sleeping aid and suggested increasing his rice and protein intake along with starting therapy. Sunoo, studying his hands so he didn’t have to look at her, said he would consider it.

But Sunoo didn’t tell Jake all of this.

“Oh, that’s good,” responded Jake to Sunoo’s short answer about the appointment. His tears had mostly dried up, but his expression remained like that of a kicked puppy.

Sunoo shifted back and forth on his feet, unwilling to look his hyung in the eye but at the same time unwilling to leave him.

“What have you been up to?” he finally said as a sort of peace offering.

Jake sat back down on the couch heavily, as if his legs had simply given out. “Not much. Just waiting here… for you.”

Sunoo swallowed. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to see you.”

Sunoo heaved out a sigh and sat gingerly next to him. Some part of him was cold, distant, and angry, and he wanted to lash out. But a much larger part of him just wanted Jake to hug him and tell him everything would be okay.

The next words spilled out of his mouth entirely against his will.

“I guess this is when you say ‘I told you so,’ huh?” said Sunoo in a dull voice that lacked even bitterness, fiddling with his thumbs.

Jake whipped around, eyes wide and wild, full of upset. “What? Why would you even say that? Of course I’m not—I’m not even thinking that, Sunoo.”

Sunoo bit his lip, still refusing to look directly at him. “But you were right. You were right about him, hyung.”

Jake’s hands fell heavy onto Sunoo’s shoulders. At first, he seemed afraid Sunoo would bolt as soon as he touched him. But when Sunoo just sat there like a deflated balloon, Jake’s grip grew stronger. He turned Sunoo gently towards him and tried to catch his eye. Sunoo did his best to avoid Jake’s gaze, but it was a lost cause. His hyung was very good at finding him.

“Sunoo-yah,” Jake’s voice cracked and he had to start again. “Sunoo-yah, you don’t know how sorry I am. If I had been more supportive from the start, maybe, maybe you would have felt more comfortable talking to me about—him,” he grit his teeth as he said this, “and this would never have happened.”

Sunoo tipped his head to the side, peering into Jake’s bloodshot eyes as a wave of overwhelming sadness crashed over him. Not knowing what else to do or say, he simply leaned forward until his head was pressed into Jake’s shoulder in the mock construction of a hug. Jake froze for the barest second before he wrapped his arms fully around Sunoo’s shoulders and pulled him in. His chin came to rest on Sunoo’s head.

Sunoo would have cried, in that moment, if he could. But he was drained of tears and though they burned at the back of his eyes, they would not fall. He closed them and breathed in. Jake smelled deeply familiar, like home and all things good and happy and constant. He smelled of man-musk, like he hadn’t taken a shower yet, and faintly of citrus—his body scrub of choice.

His arms, firm around Sunoo’s shoulders, were warm and strong. Sunoo had been hugged by Jake many times in the past. He was a particularly touchy person, though he knew Sunoo had strict boundaries when it came to physical affection and he respected those. But Sunoo had never felt like he needed Jake’s arms wrapped around him more than in this moment.

“It’s not your fault, hyung,” said Sunoo wetly into the soft material of Jake’s shirt.

As he said them, a weight seemed to lift from him. He hadn’t realized it but he had been, in his heart of hearts, harboring some resentment towards Jake. Sunoo had also thought, perhaps just once or twice, that if he felt more comfortable sharing about his relationship with Jake, then maybe this would have never happened.

But at that moment, Sunoo realized that it was a falsehood. There was nothing Jake could have done to stop Doyun. It was all Sun—

“It’s not your fault either,” said Jake then, voice full of pain. “You know that, right?”

A tear escaped and trickled down Sunoo’s cheek. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to believe those words, but it felt good to hear them from someone he treasured and looked up to so much.

The moment was broken by a loud growl from Sunoo’s stomach. He drew back from Jake in shock and the two of them looked at each other before bursting out laughing.

“Well, I guess someone is hungry,” said Jake, wiping at his eyes and smiling for real this time.

“I guess so,” said Sunoo in fascination, rubbing a hand over his belly. “I didn’t even realize…”

Jake gave him a tight smile. “You’ve been busy,” he said lightly, “but no worries. This is an easy fix. Let hyung take you out to eat,” and he thumped himself on the chest.

Sunoo smiled shyly back. “We don’t have food here?” he said, glancing around their apartment, unsure if he was ready to go out.

Jake pursed his lips. “Not really. I ate the last Buldak package last night. We could order in, if you prefer?”

Sunoo considered this. “Maybe we can go to that café we like? I don’t feel like doing much but I also don’t really want to stay here…”

Jake smiled and ruffled Sunoo’s hair. “You got it. Let me grab my jacket and we can go.”

“Okay.” Sunoo smiled back.

As Jake got ready, Sunoo took stock of himself. He was exhausted, but too hungry and wired to go to sleep. The café would be a nice reprieve. And then…

He didn’t think about the “and then.” And then nothing. For now. Everything was happening so quickly it was almost dizzying, and Sunoo hadn’t had time to process it yet. He needed his journal and some time alone.

But that could wait. Jake reentered wearing a sweatshirt and beamed at Sunoo.

“Ready to go?” he said.

Sunoo nodded and they left the apartment. Outside, the air was thick and muggy as it continued to pour. They hung underneath the building awning for a moment.

“Ugh,” said Jake, peering out through the shower, “it’s been raining forever. Let me go get an umbrella. Stay here, don’t get wet.”

He turned around and went back inside, the apartment building door banging shut behind him.

For one small moment, Sunoo breathed in the rain-fresh air—the storm had died down to a mere drizzle over the last few hours—as a small thrill of contentment ran down his spine.

But when he opened his eyes again, he was faced with a very familiar car idling across the street, a man leaning on it with his arms crossed, seemingly unbothered by the rain, squinting at Sunoo through the torrent. Sunoo’s breath caught in his chest. It was Doyun.

Chapter Text

A cold gust of wind blew through Sunoo’s frozen form as the rain picked up, hammering so hard it looked like little knives falling from the sky. Off in the distance, a loud boom of thunder shook the street and moments later, lightning struck. The flash made Sunoo flinch, but still his eyes locked with Doyun’s through the torrential downpour.

Sunoo’s mind raced. Jake was still inside, looking for the umbrella. He would have had to take the elevator up, find the umbrella, and then take the elevator all the way back down again… Meanwhile, Doyun was already making his way across the street, leather jacket turning darker as he ignored the storm around him to get to Sunoo.

Sunoo wanted to run, or at least call out to Jake, but he couldn’t. His knees shook while the rest of his body went rigid, unable to move. Before he knew it, Doyun was standing in front of him. Although a mask and cap covered most of his face, Sunoo would have known him anywhere. His silhouette was imprinted on the inside of Sunoo’s mind, like a tattoo he wished he could burn off.

Doyun’s hands closed around his shoulders, shaking him. Droplets of water splattered all over Sunoo’s face and neck. He almost gasped at the abrupt touch but couldn’t find the air.

Doyun’s voice was desperate and angry as he spoke. “You—why didn’t you call me? You lied to the damn—”

“Who are you? What are you doing?” Jake interrupted as he came up from behind, not hesitating before ripping Doyun’s hands off Sunoo’s body, throwing him back out into the street, and planting himself in front of Sunoo with his hands raised. The umbrella dangled from one wrist, shaking in the air. Sunoo had no idea how he’d gotten back down again so quickly.

“Stay out of this,” said Doyun, trying to push past Jake to get at him. The two men struggled against each other, hands slipping in all the wet, before Doyun managed to grasp Sunoo’s wrist with a slick, heavy hand. “What the fuck did you say—”

Jake grabbed Doyun’s arms and roughly pushed him away again. “Don’t fucking touch him, what the hell?” He shot a concerned gaze over his shoulder at Sunoo. “Do you know this guy?”

Sunoo still couldn’t speak. He gaped at Doyun, eyes wide, heart hammering in his chest, stomach flipping uneasily.

Doyun ripped off his cap in frustration, running a hand through oily hair that was quickly dampened by the rain. Rivulets of water ran down his face before disappearing under the mask. He ignored Jake and addressed Sunoo. “What the hell did you say about us? The fucking cops tried to serve me with—”

Dawning comprehension crossed Jake’s face and his eyes hardened. He whipped around, lunging at Doyun almost clumsily, like he had no real control over his body. It was strange, Sunoo thought, because Jake was typically very coordinated. But as he grappled for Doyun’s face, he seemed to have lost all control. Doyun reared back before Jake could actually hit him, yelling something incomprehensible.

Jake yelled back, but Sunoo couldn’t tell what they were saying over the ringing in his ears, over the sound of his own heart pounding in time with the rainfall. Never in a million years did he think he would ever see Doyun again, so he hadn’t been prepared for how it would feel when he did.

How stupid of him. He should have been anticipating this the whole time. Doyun knew where he lived. He knew where Sunoo went on his days off. He even knew the address to Sunoo’s parents’ house.

Sunoo was jolted back into his body by Jake punching Doyun in the face.

“Agh, shit!” Doyun said, holding a nose spurting blood and stumbling away from Jake further onto the street. “You fucker, you broke my nose. Fuck!

Jake pulled out his phone, holding it under the awning to prevent it from getting as wet as he was. “I’m calling the police, you bastard,” he said while shaking out the hand that had punched Doyun.

A part of Sunoo couldn’t believe it. His mild, puppy-like hyung had actually punched someone. Punched an over six-foot-tall man for Sunoo.

Doyun cursed again. He shot a glance at Sunoo, who still stood there frozen like an idiot, before running back to his car.

While pulling away, Doyun rolled down his window. Blood covered his upper lip. The eyes that Sunoo had grown so used to gazing into with affection and happiness were crazed and wild. He pointed at Sunoo.

“This isn’t over. I’m going to expose you for the liar you are,” he said before driving away. The car zigzagged dangerously over the lines as Doyun fought to control it on the rain-slicked streets. A wave of water expelled from the tires, soaking Sunoo and Jake.

Jake ran a hand through sopping wet hair, cursing as he hung up the phone. His knuckles were turning purple. Sunoo worried that maybe his phone had gotten wet too.

Jake spoke then, mouth forming words Sunoo didn’t recognize. He was saying something about the cops being on the way, but Sunoo didn’t respond, his entire body trembling uncontrollably. Jake’s eyes widened and he stepped closer.

“—noo, Sunoo!” Jake’s voice came to Sunoo as if from a great distance, or through water. It bubbled into Sunoo’s consciousness. Warm hands landed on his shoulders, pulling him close.

Sunoo melted against Jake until all he could hear was the thumping of Jake’s heart pressed against his ear. Everything faded to black.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Hours later, Sunoo woke in the dark calm of his room. A warm body pressed up against his side. From the sound of the breathing, Sunoo knew instantly that it was Riki and relaxed, muscles unclenching.

“Are you awake?” Riki whispered, apparently attuned to even the slightest shift in Sunoo’s body.

“Yes,” Sunoo whispered back, as if raising his voice would break the abject calmness of the room and everything would be ruined once again.

Riki’s arm made its way around his waist. His chin rested on Sunoo’s shoulder from behind. The dry ends of his hair tickled Sunoo’s cheek. Sunoo closed his eyes and breathed in. Riki smelled like fresh linen and something sweet—lemon, maybe.

“What happened?” Sunoo found the courage to ask. He knew something had occurred, but his mind was too blurry and unfocused to put the memories together.

Riki did not speak for a long moment. When he finally spoke, his voice was very quiet, as if he were afraid that being too loud would break their little bubble outside of reality, where things were safe and soft and smelled like fresh linen and citrus.

“You sort of blacked out. But we didn’t want you to have to go back to the hospital again, so we called your doctor and she said it was fine to keep you here as long as you weren’t injured and didn’t hit your head. So Jake brought you here and called me down.”

“Where is Jake?” asked Sunoo, mind flashing back to a Jake he almost didn’t recognize: stumbling forward, wild-eyed, mouth twisted into a grimace.

“He had to give a statement to the police.”

Sunoo’s eyes shot open and he turned over to face Riki. Riki pulled away slightly so they could see each other’s faces as he held Sunoo in a loose embrace.

“What? Why?”

Riki’s gaze flicked over Sunoo’s face as though searching for something he had lost. “Uh… what do you remember?”

Sunoo’s mind raced. He had come back from the doctor’s office, Jake was crying in the living room, and then—

He sat bolt upright, almost jostling Riki off him, and gasped. “Oh my god. He was here.”

Riki nodded, expression unreadable even as he clung to Sunoo’s body. “Yeah, but don’t worry. They finally arrested him.”

Sunoo blinked down at him in shock. “They—they did? He’s been arrested?”

Riki nodded and gave him the tiniest of smiles. “Yep. He’s gone, Sunoo-hyung.”

He’s not gone, Sunoo wanted to say. He’ll never be gone. He’ll always be here, with me.

But he didn’t. Instead, he just swallowed and nodded back. He tried to smile but it wouldn’t come. Still, there was one thing he remembered that didn’t make him sad and panicked.

“Jake-hyung punched him in the face,” he said in disbelief.

He felt more than saw Riki smirk. “I know. He’s so proud of himself.”

Riki’s arms came back around Sunoo, holding him tight. Sunoo collapsed into them. Riki was so large, it made him feel small. He wanted to be swallowed up by Riki’s body, if he could, until he disappeared, until he was nothing at all. He realized suddenly that while he was wrapped in a towel, underneath he still wore the clothes from before. They were slightly damp from the rain. Although it was somewhat uncomfortable, he was relieved no one had undressed him while he was unconscious.

They would never do that to me, Sunoo thought, a part of him almost offended on the members’ behalf.

Riki’s breathing hitching softly against him brought Sunoo back to reality. He closed his eyes, the familiar sting of tears arising in him at the sound.

“Don’t cry, Riki-yah. Please,” he whispered.

Riki’s shoulders shook, once, just once, before they relaxed again. He inhaled a long, wet sniffle.

“I’m not crying,” he said after collecting himself.

A stray tear trailed down Sunoo’s face. “Neither am I.”

Riki vibrated, this time with laughter. “Liar.”

After a moment more of soft silence, Riki said, “Hyung…”

“What is it?” Sunoo wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but he also didn’t want to deny Riki the chance to ask.

“...Nevermind. Let’s go back to sleep.”

Sunoo nodded against Riki’s firm body. The tears returned in a wave but he strangled them, swallowing them down. He simply did not have the energy to cry again. Riki’s hands rubbed up and down his back, soothing and warm.

Sunoo wondered, then, how often they would do this now. Now that Riki knew. At least, although he knew the truth, Riki was not disgusted with him. Sunoo was almost ashamed to admit to himself that he’d been worried that once the truth came out, Riki would pull away from him. Would never want to touch him again. But he should never have doubted his affectionate and stalwart friend, someone who had grown up by his side.

It was with this in mind that Sunoo allowed Riki to help him up so he could take a shower and change clothes. Still, Riki did not leave him that night and when Sunoo was ready again, they fell asleep together like they had so many times before.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

A few days later, a well-known Enhypen sasaeng released a blurry video of Jake punching someone outside of their apartment. It was difficult to tell who the person was, since the heavy downpour made the video even blurrier than it already was at that distance, but they were clearly a tall man in a face mask.

Sunoo sat up in bed, heart pounding. The caption of the video read, “Our puppy is so aggressive 🥹. I think this person tried to approach Sunoo (standing behind)!” It had already been re-Tweeted over 6,000 times, and that number was rapidly growing. Most of the responses questioned the validity of the video (“That doesn’t look like Jake to me!”) but some were asking the real question (“Who is he punching omg?”).

Sunoo quickly texted Jake.

Sunoo 💖
hyung have you seen the video?
HYUNG
EMERGENCY

Jake-hyung 🐶
I just saw it.
Don’t worry, Sunoo, it’s going to be fine.

Sunoo almost threw his phone across the room. He rolled over in bed and screamed into his pillow. This was the last thing he wanted to deal with. Why had a sasaeng been stalking them in the middle of a storm?

Jake-hyung 🐶
No, I’m serious.
Yuki-hyung already reached out.
They’re going to release a statement.

Sunoo 💖
what are they going to SAY?

Jake-hyung 🐶
IDK yet, but it’s going to be fine.
I promise.
Pinky swear.
Are you alone at the dorm rn?
Is Jungwon home?

Sunoo didn’t respond. Jungwon had checked in on Sunoo earlier before heading over to the company to no doubt discuss the many things that had changed since That Night and Sunoo’s confession. Sunoo would worry about him but Jay had tagged along for support. Those two could overcome anything together.

Right now, Sunoo didn’t want Jake to think he was alone and come rescue him from his own mind or some bullshit like that. It was bad enough being around the members as a group; they walked on eggshells around him, treating him like some fragile object they didn’t know how to handle with care.

Meanwhile he just wanted things to go back to normal. He wanted to return to a time before Doyun, before all this had happened. The thought had him pacing around his room like a caged animal, which is exactly how he felt since he was technically confined to the dorm. His skin itched and he dug his nails into his arms, holding himself the way Riki had in bed just the week before but harsher, more violently.

Just as he had the thought to use the razor hanging in the shower to ease the terrible itching, his phone buzzed again.

Noona 💕
Sunoo, is everything okay?
We just saw the video on Twitter, what happened?
Do you really have a stalker? The company needs to protect you better!
At least your hyungs are protecting you.
Do you need us to come here and have a word with the company?
Also, you haven’t called in weeks 🙁
I miss you, and so does Mom! Call today?

Guilt crashed over Sunoo. Over the past few months, his parents and sister had texted him multiple times but he had been unable to respond to them. The last time he had talked to his sister at length was when he told her about Doyun. Every time he tried to reach out, he couldn’t get his fingers to stop shaking or swallow past the lump in his throat.

He missed them so much, but the thought of speaking with them made him too nervous. Biting down on his thumb, he welcomed the twinge of pain that shot through his hand, steadying his thoughts. He cast a glance towards the door, again considering taking comfort the only way he knew how these days.

But before he could give in to the call of a numbing pain, there was a light knock at the door.

“Sunoo-yah?” called Sunghoon’s instantly recognizable voice. “Are you there?”

Sunoo closed his eyes, breathing out through his nose to calm himself. How come Sunghoon always had the worst timing of anyone he’d ever met?

Still, he opened the door for his hyung. The two of them hadn’t been alone since before Sunoo confessed everything to Heeseung. Sunoo had seen Sunghoon only briefly in the time since, and each time he’d been wearing an expression like he was now—eyebrows drawn together so that a wrinkle formed between them, eyes caught between confusion and distress, mouth turned down into an unnatural frown. Sunoo sighed.

“What do you want, hyung?” he said, trying his best to keep the annoyance out of his tone. He couldn’t help the little pout that formed on his lips and the way his arms rose to cross protectively over his chest.

If there was one thing Sunghoon enjoyed, it was teasing Sunoo, so his irritated expression actually brought an almost-smile to Sunghoon’s face. That was even more annoying!

Sunghoon moved until he was standing so close that Sunoo had to look up to see his face. He straightened in surprise, staring up at his hyung. After all this time, Sunghoon still struck him as the most handsome man he’d ever met, and an unwilling blush clouded Sunoo’s cheeks at their proximity.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing,” said Sunghoon quietly. His body language was loose and open in comparison to Sunoo’s.

Sunoo deflated at his tone, shoulders dropping and arms falling to his sides. “Oh. I’m okay, thanks for asking.”

Sunghoon’s mouth twitched, like he wanted to refute Sunoo’s words, but instead all he said was, “I saw the video on Twitter. Don't worry too much about it, okay? I’m sure the company can take care of it.”

Sunoo just nodded, leaning against the side of the door. He stared at Sunghoon, unsure what to say or do next.

Sunghoon pursed his lips, eyeing Sunoo. “Do you want to do something?”

Sunoo blinked. “Like what?” He wasn’t allowed to leave the dorm right now, per instructions from the management team.

“Well, we could play a game or something. One that you like.”

Sunoo contemplated this for a moment. Playing a game with Sunghoon would be a better distraction from everything that was happening—and the texts from his sister—than sitting around in his room.

So, after a small pause, he gave Sunghoon a tiny smile and agreed. “Okay, but I don’t want to play one of those shooting games.”

Sunghoon lit up at Sunoo’s acceptance. Without another word, he took Sunoo’s hand gently in his own and tugged him towards the couch. Sunoo stumbled after him—Sunghoon almost never initiated physical contact with his members in such a direct manner. His hand was larger than Sunoo’s, the long tapered fingers clasping around Sunoo’s slim ones with a sort of tender confidence, as though he was sure Sunoo would not reject him.

Sunoo let himself be led and sat down on the couch where they loaded up a role playing game he’d been meaning to check out for a while.

There, in the peace of the living room, Sunghoon’s warm body just barely brushing against his side on the couch, Sunoo could almost forget everything that had happened leading up to this moment. He relaxed, putting what he’d been contemplating distracting himself with before out of mind.

Later, after several rounds of the game and then a very bland ramyeon made for him by Sunghoon—

“Hyung,” Sunoo had said after one bite, “I don’t mean to discourage you, but I think from now on we need to leave the ramyeon making to Heeseung-hyung.”

Sunghoon had hung his head and laughed heartily. “I think you’re right,” he agreed with a wince.

—Sunoo learned that the company had released a statement that Jake had been protecting Sunoo from a known stalker, and that it had already been sorted out by the police.

The explosion in response to this statement shocked Sunoo, as fans flooded Twitter with comments of support (and a few trolls/haters, but then, those were everywhere).

— [+13,009, -1,052] Omo, I had no idea Sunoo had a whole stalker! That’s ridiculous! Good on Jake for protecting him. The company needs to do more, though…

— [+12,398, -403] Jake is a real man. I knew I chose the right bias.

— [+5,635, -4,378] Isn’t it a bit much to resort to physical violence? Jake must have anger issues.

Replies:

— [+6,504, -102] Don’t be fucking crazy, if he went to these lengths then it must have been for a good reason!

— [+4,567, -921] I don’t care what others say. Idol stalkers need to be dealt with better overall. Good for Jake. Sunoo must have been so scared.

— [+3,466, -322] Honestly, if the fan were a woman would you guys be defending Jake like this?

Replies:

— [+201, -23] Uh, yes, if it’s truly a stalker!

— [+405, -233] If it were a woman, they probably wouldn’t have needed to go so far.

— [+2,789, -110] My poor Sunoo. He must have been so scared.

— [+1,304, -31] Best hyung Jake!!

— [+876, -24] I wonder if this is why Sunoo was absent from the live the other day.

And though Sunoo waited for the other shoe to drop, it never did. If the company indeed scolded Jake for his actions, Sunoo wasn’t present for it, and soon, things started to near normal once again.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

While preparing for his first official schedule in two weeks, Sunoo became aware of the article. He only knew about it because, after the sasaeng video of Jake, he had subscribed to notifications for trending news topics related to idols.

His phone dinged on the bathroom countertop, and once he caught sight of the headline, he couldn’t help but open it.

BREAKING: MALE PHOTOGRAPHER CONNECTED TO VOGUE, HARPER’S BAZAAR, ELLE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED & FILMED MALE CELEBRITIES

According to a source at the Seoul Metropolitan Police Agency (SMPA), a male freelance photographer in his thirties is being investigated for allegedly drugging, filming, and sexually assaulting at least three high-profile male celebrities. The freelancer has been involved in major fashion spreads in Vogue, Harper’s Bazaar, Elle, GQ, and Allure, among others. The investigation is ongoing, but the suspect has been arrested after violating an active restraining order.

Information regarding the potential victims as well as the perpetrator is being closely guarded as SMPA investigators seek to maintain privacy given the sensitive nature of the alleged crimes. However, we managed to confirm that at least one of the victims is an actor who was part of a popular project last year. The other two victims are reportedly an idol and a model.

Investigators believe that the drug used during the alleged assaults is gamma-hydroxybutyric acid (GHB), also known as liquid ecstasy. A common “date-rape drug,” GHB is known for being colorless, odorless, and easy to put into drinks. It can cause grogginess, drowsiness, and even unconsciousness for hours at a time, and lead to nausea, dizziness, visual disturbances, depressed breathing, amnesia, unconsciousness, and even death in extreme cases. However, it is difficult for investigators to know for sure if this was the drug used due to the difficulty in testing for it, as well as not having urine samples from the victims to confirm.

This is a breaking story that will be updated with more information when we know more.

Comments:

—[+2,304, -1,908] Wah, this is scary. Male on male sex crimes? I think it is the first scandal of its type in Korea.

Replies:

—[+304, -106] To call it a scandal is beyond reason. This is a serious crime.

—[+89, -23] I don’t even want to see speculation as to who the celebrities could be. They deserve their privacy.

—[+1,209, -1,011] Gay people are terrifying.

Replies:

—[+406, -234] That’s a bit of a generalization, isn’t it? Think about the poor victims, you asshole.

—[+904, -728] “High-profile celebrities”? Couldn’t have been more specific? I’m especially curious about the idol…

Replies:

—[+55, -26] Why do you want them to be, weirdo?

—[+878, -120] Why would they even publish this story?? This is not something that should be released by a tabloid mag. I am astonished by the lack of professionalism here.

—[+504, -230] GHB is scary as hell. We need to get rid of all druggies for this very reason…

Replies:

—[+57, -19] In this case, GHB was used as a means to commit rape. It’s not like all people who do drugs rape others…

—[+10, -6] Are you really defending drug addicts?

—[+17, -12] The person who perpetrated this crime isn’t a drug addict, at least not that we know of. It’s a person who uses drugs to hurt others. It’s different.

Sunoo’s phone clattered to the floor, the toothbrush falling out of his mouth and into the sink below. White foam dribbled down his chin and he quickly wiped it away and rinsed his mouth out.

Not even a minute later, his phone buzzed, echoing loudly in the bathroom as it vibrated on the tile. Sunoo stood frozen, just watching it, until he saw the name on the screen and stooped to pick it up.

“Hello?” he croaked into the phone, holding it to his ear while crouched on the floor, legs shaking.

“Kim Sunoo-ssi?” asked the voice on the other end.

“It’s me, Detective Hong.”

“Kim Sunoo-ssi, I’m calling to give you an update on your case.” There was a pause but Sunoo didn’t say anything. “I wanted to be the one to let you know that we’ve been made aware of a leak—”

“I saw it,” Sunoo interrupted, for once not minding his manners. “I saw the article.”

The phone crackled as Detective Hong sighed heavily. “I’m sorry about this. We’ve got everything back under control and I wanted to assure you that your name hasn’t been leaked or anything like that.”

Sunoo didn’t know what to say. His throat had closed up, like he was being strangled from the inside. Finally, he managed to swallow past the choking lump and give a weak reply, “Okay.”

Detective Hong told him not to worry about anything and that they were still working closely with HYBE to ensure no further information about the investigation was spread. Sunoo hung up with shaking hands and stood to lean over the sink, hyperventilating, as his mind raced. The thread that he’d been hanging onto all this time had snapped. His heart thumped unsteadily in his chest, and he clutched at it as he panted. He had to do something, anything before he passed out…

Whirling around, he scrabbled for the razor hanging in the shower. As soon as his fingers closed around it, adrenaline-infused urgency overcame him and he slashed it across the delicate skin of his left arm, from just below his elbow to just above his wrist. He hadn’t done this since before everything had been revealed to the others. Perhaps that’s why he’d felt so on edge this whole time; he just needed the release this small pain provided.

Blood beaded up from the wound, running over his arm in crimson rivulets. Though the wound was long, longer than he’d meant to inflict, the pain itself was dull, only a faint stinging sensation making itself known to him. But it helped; it calmed Sunoo’s thundering heart, bringing him back from wherever he had been and to reality. The buzzing ring in his ears faded. A metallic scent hit the air, and he breathed in, closing his eyes, as his body finally relaxed from its fight-or-flight state.

When he opened his eyes again, the sight of the red blood splattered in the pristine white basin shocked him. It was more blood than he had ever drawn from himself before. He was usually more careful, making sure to keep the cuts small and shallow and primarily on his upper thighs where others were less likely to see.

As he reached for the faucet, more blood dripped from the wound and into the sink. He would turn it on and the water would wash everything away just like it always did, and then everything would be okay again. Or as close to okay as things could get these days.

Then the bathroom door burst open with a loud bang as it hit the opposite wall. Since Sunoo had been brushing his teeth, he hadn’t bothered to lock it—what a mistake that had been. Jungwon rushed in, eyes wide and wild.

“Sunoo-hyung,” he gasped as if he had been running, “did you see—”

He stopped at the sight of Sunoo holding his bloodied arm over the sink, razor still clenched tightly in his other fist.

“What—what are you doing?” said Jungwon in the smallest voice Sunoo had ever heard.

Sunoo’s heart dropped into his stomach. The storm raged on.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Sunoo could not remember the last time Heeseung had been in his room. Since the members saw each other every day, it was rare that they needed to invade each other’s private spaces, especially between floors. The last time Sunoo had been in Heeseung’s room was of course when he had confessed everything; before that he couldn’t even remember.

Now Heeseung stood awkwardly in the middle of the room while Sunoo stubbornly lay in bed, unwilling to look his hyung in the eye. He still couldn’t quite believe he had been caught and his only source of solace was yet another stressor for his members. What more would he put them through, before this was all over?

Would it ever be over?

Sunoo didn’t have time to contemplate this dismal thought for long, for Heeseung cleared his throat and shuffled forward. Sunoo tried not to hate him; nothing was Heeseung’s fault and he had been nothing but perfect to Sunoo, but perhaps that was the problem.

A boiling anger had filled Sunoo ever since he was forced to sit on the couch in front of a tearful Jungwon and a scowling Jay while they called Yuki to come collect him. Then, Sunoo had to go to the hospital again, get the wound stitched up, and meet immediately with a therapist.

Sunoo was more angry with himself than anyone else. The company had officially put him on hiatus, claiming there was no way he could dance and work with an injury like that. He had been so close to returning to normal again, and then he had gone and messed it all up.

He just wanted someone to yell at him. He wanted the members to get mad and lash out, to question how he could ever have allowed all this to happen, to interrogate him on why he let it go so far.

But they wouldn’t. If they were angry at all, Sunoo never saw it—except for when Jake had punched Doyun in the face. Instead, they just stared at Sunoo with big, soft, sad eyes, faces drawn with worry, and approached him with gentle words and hands.

When Heeseung spoke, it was softly, sweetly, like he was trying to coax out a kitten from underneath the bed. “Sunoo, we should talk about this.”

Sunoo kept his eyes on the white ceiling. In one corner, there was a brown smudge where Jungwon had killed a bug for him one time. Sunoo had screamed as soon as he saw the creepy crawling thing, bringing both Jungwon and Jake running into his room.

Ever the responsible one—Jake was scared of bugs too—Jungwon had smashed it with the fly swatter. Sunoo had thrown his arms around the younger man and praised him so effusively that Jungwon actually blushed. The memory almost made Sunoo smile just thinking of it.

But then he remembered where and when he was and the urge to smile vanished. Heeseung was still waiting for his response.

Sunoo cracked open dry lips, running a tongue across them before replying, “Talk about what, hyung?”

Heeseung sighed, moving closer until he was at the very edge of the bed, hovering over Sunoo like a nurse in the hospital. Sunoo’s arm throbbed and he hid a wince as he brought it closer to his side.

“You should have told me how much you were struggling,” said Heeseung in that sympathetic tone. It was free of accusation and yet Sunoo felt accused regardless.

Sunoo sniffled and turned onto his side so that his back faced Heeseung. He pulled his arm close, tucking it into his chest so that it wouldn’t brush against the sheets.

“I did tell you,” he said, because he had told Heeseung everything he considered relevant at the time.

A little huff of air left Heeseung at that. The bed dipped as he sat on the edge of it. Sunoo breathed through the well of tears that rose up within him. He wasn’t sure he was ready to be confronted like this.

Perhaps Heeseung realized that for all he ended up saying was, “Okay. Well, the others and I have agreed that you’re not to be left alone for the time being. Who do you want to stay with you tonight?”

Sunoo’s eyes and nose burned. He was being treated like a child.

“I want to be alone,” he said, voice thick with unshed tears, and bratty in its attitude even as he tried to disguise it.

Heeseung sighed again. A gentle hand came to rub up and down Sunoo’s back.

“Do you want me to stay? Or I can send Riki in, or Jungwon…”

He ignored Sunoo’s request. Swallowing down the tears, Sunoo realized he probably wasn’t going to get out of this one. He forced himself to imagine him walking in on one of his members doing the same thing he had been and released a shaky breath. It was unimaginable, to be honest. And as much as he wanted to hate it, Heeseung’s hand on his back was so soothing and warm…

“You can stay if you want,” he said, almost against his will, like the words had been pushed out of him by his hyung’s gentle ministrations.

Heeseung sucked in a surprised breath. “Okay. I’ll go get ready for bed and come back.”

Sunoo just nodded. The throbbing in his arm had transformed into a stinging sensation that he was working hard to ignore.

Heeseung hesitated before he stood. “Do you need more pain meds?”

“Yes, please,” muttered Sunoo softly.

“I’ll send Jay in with them,” said Heeseung before he quietly left the room.

It was not long before Jay, wearing a forcefully cheerful expression, made his way inside carrying a tray with a glass of orange juice, a bowl of sundubu jjigae, and a small white pill atop it.

Sunoo tried to ignore him; he was still angry with Jay for calling Yuki even though Sunoo had begged him not to. But if Jay noticed his reticence, he didn’t say anything and simply set the tray down in front of Sunoo.

Sunoo ate the food and swallowed the pill all while glowering like a child at the wall. His heart hurt; he didn’t want to be angry with his poor hyung who he knew objectively had only done what he thought was best, but the tempestuous torrent of emotions within Sunoo was impossible to control.

Jay left in silence, having said nothing to Sunoo except a soft “goodnight.” Sunoo turned over and cried until Heeseung came back into the room, not two minutes later.

That night, as Heeseung snored next to him, one arm flopped near Sunoo’s head, Sunoo stared some more at the ceiling. Eventually, he fell asleep. This time, when he dreamt, it was so vivid that it stayed with him:

He was sitting next to Doyun on the couch with a drama playing in the background, only they were in Sunoo’s apartment, not Doyun’s. Sunoo took a sip of water and his body began to feel heavy, until it weighed so much that he couldn’t move at all. He tried to get away as Doyun turned to him, the flickering light of the TV staining his face red and white, but found he couldn't. Like when Doyun had confronted him in the rain, Sunoo's body was frozen.

A loud crash of thunder made Sunoo flinch violently, body twitching against his will.

“Don’t you want me, Sunoo-yah?” said Doyun in a strange, low voice, and then he was on top of Sunoo and Sunoo was struggling, he was fighting, he was thrashing. But his body was so heavy that his limbs could only twitch weakly as Doyun moved above him, hands and mouth all over.

Sunoo began to panic, calling out for his hyungs, begging them to come save him. Surely someone was home—

“—up, Sunoo, wake up!” Heeseung’s voice suddenly broke through the haze. “Wake up, it’s okay. You’re okay, I’m here.”

Sunoo’s eyes burst open. A formless figure above him with bright red hair blurred into focus and he realized he was in his own bed, not the couch, and Heeseung was kneeling over him, face a mask of concern through the darkness. His hands were still on Sunoo’s shoulders from where he’d been shaking him awake.

Sunoo burst into tears, turning his face into his hands as he cried. Heeseung grabbed him, pressing him into his stomach.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” murmured Heeseung, holding Sunoo’s head and stroking his hair, rocking them back and forth as he tried to calm Sunoo down.

It took a long time, but eventually Sunoo managed to stop crying so hard. He faded back to reality only to discover his bandage was soaked through with blood, probably from all the movement. It had left a dark red stain on Heeseung's gray pajama top. A few more tears leaked down Sunoo’s cheeks at the sight. He really was ruining everything, wasn’t he?

“Hyung,” he croaked, with half his face still smushed against Heeseung’s chest, “I’m not okay, I’m sorry, I’m not. I feel—I feel like I’m going to die.”

Heeseung’s voice broke when he said, “I know, Sunoo-yah. I know.”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Sunoo put the memory of that day, the day when Jungwon had burst in the door to witness his lowest moment and when Heeseung had held him through the night, out of mind. It was not something he wanted to remember or repeat. What he took from it was the result: if he wanted to avoid going on a long-term hiatus from Enhypen—outside of the one he’d already been put on while recovering from the injury—, he had to attend therapy.

(In the back of his mind, the delicacy with which Jungwon grabbed his arm, flung the razor away, and carefully wrapped the wound up in gauze and tape stayed with him. His tender hands skimmed over Sunoo’s flesh like he was a porcelain doll that Jungwon was afraid to break. Later, Jungwon held his hand as they stitched the wound up in the hospital.)

So Sunoo attended therapy.

The first session was not what he’d been expecting at all. The therapist, who apparently worked with several HYBE idols as well as other sexual assault victims—survivors, as she called them—was a middle-aged woman named Dr. Choi. She was short, maybe only five feet tall, but the big leather chair she sat in behind the desk made her seem more intimidating than she was.

She spoke to Sunoo with a serene kindness, and though the first few sessions were quite fruitless, in Sunoo’s opinion, as he struggled to open up, eventually, he began to see the benefit of being honest with her.

One conversation they had in their third session really got to him.

Through her slim, wire-framed glasses, Dr. Choi studied him intently. But rather than feeling analyzed, as he so often did when he caught Jay sneaking glances at him between schedules, eyes constantly searching his body for more signs of self-harm, Sunoo got the impression that she was merely gearing up to ask him a question.

“Sunoo, when was the last time you talked to your parents, or your sister? You’ve mentioned three times this session that you haven’t seen them in a while,” she asked.

Sunoo thought about this, fiddling with the silver rings adorning his fingers. One was the Tiffany T and the other the Tiffany Lock. Both were gifts from Sunghoon, who had given them to him a few weeks earlier, the day after Sunoo started his therapy sessions for the first time.

Sunghoon had said it was just because he’d been at the Tiffany event and thought of Sunoo, but Sunoo felt it was his way of celebrating the start of Sunoo’s healing process. Either way, he was grateful because he found it soothing to toy with something during the sessions, so he had taken to wearing them whenever he went.

Finally, he responded, “It’s been a long time. They keep texting me but I haven’t really felt like messaging them back.”

“And why is that, do you think?”

“I just feel like they’ll immediately know something is wrong,” said Sunoo. “And I don’t want to have to explain everything—anything to them.”

Dr. Choi nodded thoughtfully. “It seems they may already know something is wrong, and not speaking to them at all is causing you some distress.”

Sunoo swallowed, tears burning the back of his eyes. It had been difficult, so difficult, not to talk to his mother and sister every day like he always had. Not to share with them about his day, not to gossip with them about his members or send them pictures of the foods he ate and the places he visited. But he was so afraid to reach out when he was like this. Broken.

Dr. Choi’s voice remained as cool, calm, and collected as it had been for the entire session when she spoke again, “You said you get a lot of relief from journaling, which is wonderful to hear. This week, I’m challenging you to write an entry to your sister or one of your parents. Whoever you prefer. That way, you can write in the journal the words it seems you’re struggling to say out loud. How does that sound?”

Sunoo considered this before nodding. Though he had abandoned journal writing for some time after getting caught cutting, maybe it would do him good to give it another try. There were still empty pages to fill in the journal Riki had gifted him all that time ago, a whole other lifetime ago. And Sunoo enjoyed writing. It should be easy.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

It turned out to be harder than he thought. Before his next session with Dr. Choi, he sat down every single night with his journal and a pen to write something, addressing it to his sister or parents, and every single night he failed. It was like he suddenly had writer’s block.

He knew it was just because he felt so guilty. In his phone sat hundreds of texts from his family members. All unread, all unresponded to. Just the thought of them had Sunoo panicking and considering digging the nub of his pen into his thigh. But he didn’t, because he didn’t want to break his promise to Jay.

(“The next time you feel like hurting yourself, come talk to me first. Please. I want to be there for you,” said his hyung on the way back from the hospital.

Sunoo stared down at his bandaged arm without responding. He was still angry with Jay.

But Jay was as persistent as ever, and brought a hand down to squeeze Sunoo’s thigh. When Sunoo finally turned to look at him, Jay’s face was drawn, desperate in a manner Sunoo had never witnessed before. “Promise me, Sunoo.”

There was something in his eyes that Sunoo was sure he never wanted to see again. That, more than anything, had Sunoo opening his mouth to respond, “Okay, hyung. I promise.”)

So instead of giving in to his urges, he wandered up to the other dorm.

Jay’s door was ajar and inside he was strumming on one of his many guitars, wearing jeans and a jersey shirt. The music was pleasant and a little melancholy. Sunoo thought he might recognize the melody but wasn’t sure where it was from. After a few minutes of listening peacefully, he knocked on the side of the door.

Jay looked up.

“Can I come in?” Sunoo asked softly.

Jay immediately put the guitar aside. “Sunoo! Of course,” he said, patting the bed beside him. “Please, come sit.”

Sunoo smiled, ducking his head a bit shyly before entering the room. The bed dipped as he sat next to Jay.

For a moment they just sat there. The two of them hadn’t been alone since Jay brought Sunoo the tray of food. Sunoo had been avoiding him. He was angry with Jay, but guilty for feeling angry, and then upset that he had something else to feel guilty over. So he avoided him. But it was unfair to Jay and he knew it.

“Did you—can I help you with something?” said Jay finally.

“Yes, I came to ask you for advice,” said Sunoo.

Jay gazed at him with knowing, tender eyes. “You can ask me anything.”

“I—” Sunoo cut himself off, biting his lip. He really didn’t want to cry. He’d done enough crying over the past few months. He could have filled a whole lake with his tears.

After composing himself, he managed to speak again. “My therapist gave me this challenge.”

He found the courage to raise his eyes to meet Jay’s. His hyung’s gaze was steady and nonjudgmental, and he gave Sunoo the tiniest of encouraging smiles when their eyes met.

Sunoo’s heart panged. It had been too long since he had looked at Jay’s face. His hyung was a little pinched and pale, as though the stress of Sunoo’s situation had really gotten to him. That made Sunoo feel even more guilty, but he forced himself to soldier on, braver now that he could see Jay wasn’t pitying or judging him.

“I’m supposed to write a letter to my sister or my parents in my journal, but… I can’t. Not until I’ve responded to their messages. But I can’t respond to their messages because there’s so many of them and I feel so bad, you know? It’s like… I’m stuck.”

Jay nodded slowly. “Is it that the number of messages that overwhelms you, like you can’t possibly respond to them all?”

Sunoo fiddled with a piece of lint on Jay’s duvet to distract himself. He should have worn the rings. “Maybe—yes—or, I think that’s part of it.”

“What’s the other part?” asked Jay.

Sunoo sucked in a deep breath. “I guess I’m just afraid that, like, they’ll know something really is wrong and they’ll force me to tell them everything and I just… I don’t want them to know.”

“They can’t force you to tell them anything,” Jay pointed out kindly. Sunoo could only sense his nerves by the way that Jay’s knee jittered minutely as he spoke. “Though I agree they’ll probably be concerned after all this time. But you don’t have to tell them anything you don’t want to. Your sister knows you well, she knows you won’t open up to her if she tries to force it.”

Sunoo bit his lip again but didn’t say anything, so Jay continued.

“I think you should text them back, sooner rather than later. Like ripping a bandaid off, better to get it over with than agonize over it more. You don’t have to say anything about why you went silent; that can wait. They probably just want to know you’re okay. Just text them about your day, pretend everything is normal for now, and then try writing the letter. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll be able to say everything you really want to say out loud,” Jay suggested with a tiny smile.

Sunoo contemplated this for a moment, glancing down at his phone. On the screen, the last few texts from his sister showed:

Noona 💕
Sunoo, please just text me back.
I miss you.

Jay was right. Sunoo didn’t have to make it about why he’d gone silent. He could just reach out and, at least for now, pretend like everything was okay.

Heaving in a breath, Sunoo clicked on the chat and responded right there on Jay’s bed.

Sunoo 💖
Hi, noona.
How are you?

His sister responded almost immediately.

Noona 💕
Sunoo!
I’m doing well, but I’ve missed you.
How are you? What have you been up to?
Please call mom sometime, she is desperate to hear from you.

Tears stung Sunoo’s eyes. Jay’s arm wrapped around his shoulders, pulling Sunoo in close as he read the texts over Sunoo’s shoulder. He didn’t say anything, just let Sunoo respond.

Sunoo 💖
I am fine
Things have just been very busy lately
I’m sorry I haven’t been talking to you or mom
Or dad
But I will call her soon

Noona 💕
Okay, that’s fine.
It’s just so good to hear from you.
What have you been up to?
We said this in the group chat before, but Coachella was amazing—you killed it!

This made Sunoo smile. His entire family had watched the Coachella livestream and blew his phone up with messages at the time. Sunoo hadn’t responded since he’d been busy, but the sight of them had warmed his heart.

Sunoo 💖
Coachella was really great
I’ll have to tell you all about it
We should video chat soon

Noona 💕
Yes, please, I would love to!

And just like that, Sunoo realized everything really would be okay with his family. Maybe he would never tell them what had happened, or maybe he would. Regardless, he could still interact with them and they would be there for him no matter what.

Expelling a shaky breath, Sunoo leaned back against Jay’s warm body.

“Thank you, hyung,” he whispered into the air between them.

Jay pressed his nose into Sunoo’s hair. “You don’t have to thank me for anything, Sunoo-yah.”

“No, I do,” said Sunoo thickly. This time he was unable to quell the flood of tears. “I’m really sorry, hyung. I was mad at you.”

Jay’s shoulders shook briefly, like maybe he was crying too. Sunoo didn’t want to look at his face to find out because then he’d never stop crying.

“I know,” said Jay shakily. “But it’s okay. You can be mad at me all you want if it helps you feel better. Just promise me you won’t ever do that again.”

Sunoo sniffled loudly and turned his head into Jay’s neck. “I promise.”

And this time, he even thought he meant it.

Later that night, after spending some more time with Jay, who showed him a new song he’d learned on the guitar, Sunoo completed the assignment.

Dear Noona,

First of all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for ignoring you for so long, for making you worry about me, for making you angry at me. I admit that when I finally reached out, it went much better than I expected. You’re the best, noona.

I’ve been going through a hard time, to say the least. I can tell that you already know that, and I appreciate you for not pushing too hard, at least right now. I know you’re probably burning with curiosity about what’s been going on with me. I’m just still not ready to talk about it.

But you’ll be pleased to know that I am making progress. Real progress this time. I’m seeing a therapist. I’m having conversations with my group members. I haven’t harmed myself in weeks. Oh, and the best news—I don’t have an STD! I seriously almost threw a party when I found that out, haha.

I’m also a part of Enhypen still. You don’t know how relieved I am about that. Sometimes, I swear the only thing that keeps me going is Enhypen. Being a part of something bigger than myself. Doing the things I love. All of it is a reminder of why I keep going on despite what happened… despite what Doyun did to me.

That’s the therapist speaking, by the way. She told me it’s good to reframe the event less as something that happened to me and more as something that he did to me, because that’s the truth. I think she’s right. It’s not that it makes me feel better, but it makes me realize that it wasn’t really my fault, what happened. It was all him.

Noona, someday I’m going to tell you everything. I mean that. I hate keeping secrets from you. I think you’ll cry when I tell you, though, so I don’t want to do it just yet. I already have to live with knowing that I’ve made all my members cry multiple times now. Even Sunghoon-hyung… even Heeseung-hyung. Especially Jungwon and Riki.

Let’s talk soon, face to face. I have so much to tell you.

Love,
Sunoo

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“So you made up with Jay-hyung, but not me?” Jungwon burst into Sunoo’s room without knocking, a little frown marring his cute face.

Sunoo put down his pen; he had just been writing an entry addressed to Jungwon, trying to find the words to tell him what a great leader he thought Jungwon was. He wasn’t upset by the interruption. On the contrary, it was like Jungwon had read Sunoo’s mind by coming in at that moment.

Sunoo blinked at the question. “Did we—did we need to make up?”

Jungwon blinked those big boba eyes right back before rushing over to Sunoo and throwing his arms around Sunoo’s neck. His nose brushed against Sunoo’s cheek as he pressed himself as firmly as possible into him.

“I don’t know… you haven’t been talking to me that much. I thought you were upset with me,” said Jungwon.

Sunoo immediately felt bad and patted Jungwon on the back. “I wasn’t upset with you, Jungwon-ah, I just…”

He didn’t know how to complete the thought, but apparently Jungwon didn’t need him to. He had always been so in tune with Sunoo, like they really were the twins some fans made them out to be.

Jungwon pulled his face back and Sunoo was surprised to find it shiny with tears. Startled, Sunoo lifted his own hands to wipe them away, pressing two thumbs into Jungwon’s cheeks.

“Why are you crying?” he said. “Please don’t cry, Jungwon-ah. I really don’t want to cry again.”

A smile broke through Jungwon’s tears. “No, I suppose you wouldn’t want that considering how much you have already.”

Sunoo nodded seriously, still dragging his thumb across Jungwon’s cheek tenderly. “Seriously. I think I might run out of tears soon.”

Jungwon pulled away to sit on the edge of Sunoo’s bed. He was clad in a blue sweatshirt that Sunoo suspected may have been Jay’s at one point. It was so large that it fell past the tips of his fingers.

Jungwon bit his lip, peering up at Sunoo with big eyes like he was nervous. Sunoo didn’t like that, so he moved to sit beside Jungwon on the bed.

“Well, if you have to hear it out loud,” Sunoo said, “I’m not mad at you and I never was. I’ve just been, you know, going through it.”

Jungwon nodded frantically. “No, I know you have been. I don’t mean to make you feel bad.” He gnawed harder on his lip. “Jay-hyung says I’m being selfish, even coming here to you like this.”

Sunoo raised a hand to stroke Jungwon's slightly curly, shower-damp hair. “It’s okay. You can be selfish first and then after I can be.”

Jungwon blinked before smiling. “Deal. I’m sorry, Sunoo. I feel like I’ve been the most terrible leader these past few… well, since months ago really. But even worse than that, I feel like I’ve been an awful friend. I can’t believe I didn’t know you were—you were dating someone.”

“You’re not an awful friend,” Sunoo responded, heartbeat picking up as he got offended on Jungwon’s behalf. “And you’re not a terrible leader either. You’re literally the best at both of those things. I worked really hard to hide my—my relationship. It’s not your fault you didn’t know.”

Jungwon glanced down at his lap where his sweatshirt-sleeve covered hands were twisting together anxiously. “Why… why didn’t you tell me? Did you think I would judge you for being with a guy, hyung?”

Sunoo’s eyes widened, genuinely shocked by the question. He paused while stroking Jungwon’s hair.

“No,” he managed to say after a long moment, “no, of course not. I knew you wouldn’t care about that. I was just worried because, well, I’d already gotten into an argument with Jake about him and I worried that, since you’re our leader, it could put you in an awkward position if you knew. Those are the only reasons I didn’t tell you.”

Jungwon’s nose scrunched up as he took this in, but a hint of amusement entered his eyes. “Jake told me about your argument, you know. I really told him off about it.”

A little giggle broke out of Sunoo. “I figured. There’s no way he would have apologized of his own accord.”

They both rolled their eyes at the same time before Sunoo amended his statement. “Well, he would have, it just would’ve taken longer.”

Jungwon giggled wetly. “It really would have, hyung. When he told me about it I scolded him so much.”

They dissolved into laughter, rolling back on the bed together. It was only when they were lying next to each other, pressed so closely their shoulders overlapped, that the laughter died out.

“It’s not your fault either, you know, hyung,” said Jungwon suddenly. “I just wanted to say that because, well, it’s true. Nothing that happened is your fault.”

A choking wave of pain rose in Sunoo, but he stubbornly swallowed it, and the tears that rose with it, back down. “I… I know. I mean, I didn’t believe that at all at first, and if you had come to me even last week I still wouldn’t believe it, but… but recently I’ve been working on it and I think I’m finally starting to think it’s true. It’s not my fault.”

Jungwon rolled over and put his arm around Sunoo’s waist, snuggling into his shoulder. “I’m glad that you’re starting to believe it, hyung. And if you ever need to talk through anything, you know I’m here for you, right?”

“I know,” said Sunoo softly.

They breathed together for a moment before Jungwon just had to open his mouth again. This time, there was a smirk in his tone as he spoke.

“So, you and Sunghoon-hyung, huh? What’s going on there?”

Sunoo groaned, blushing darkly, and then he grabbed the pillow by his head and started beating Jungwon with it even as Jungwon laughed breathlessly beneath him.

“Shut up,” said Sunoo mock-furiously. “What about you and Jay-hyung? What’s up with you two, huh?”

Jungwon laughed so hard he snorted, which set Sunoo off again, and then Jungwon tried to snatch the pillow from him and smother him with it. They spent the rest of the night play-fighting until they tired out and decided to watch a drama instead. This time, Sunoo could even concentrate enough on it to understand the plot.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

During Sunoo’s first official public schedule back after his hiatus (he had attended several dance practices but this was the first stage), Jake poked his head into the dressing room. One of the stylist noonas was fussing with Sunoo’s outfit, shaking her head and muttering that he’d lost too much weight since his last fitting. Sunoo was still working to gain back some weight, but at least the belt the stylist had added looked good with the rest of the outfit.

“Almost ready to go?” asked Jake, coming up behind Sunoo in the mirror. He wore a similar outfit to Sunoo’s, only with a different sort of jacket, and his hair had grown longer than before, framing his face handsomely. An eager glow stained his cheeks as he anticipated Sunoo’s return to the stage.

Sunoo nodded, studying himself as the stylist backed away, indicating she was finished. The person staring back at him, eyes blazing under eyeliner and face all done up, reminded him of the Sunoo from before That Night. The Sunoo who was confident and full of life, and not at all messed up by terrible boyfriends.

“Do I look okay?” he said, nervously smoothing his hands over the white pants.

Jake looked him up and down pointedly, and then smiled. “You look amazing. My sunny Sunoo has returned. I should announce it to the world.”

Sunoo scoffed, but the words made him swell with pride. He did think he looked good, and he felt good about finally being allowed to get back on stage.

“Please do not, hyung,” he said, tucking a stray strand of hair back into its place before nodding at himself, sucking in a deep breath, and then turning to Jake.

“Okay, I’m ready.”

Jake grinned and threw an arm around Sunoo’s shoulders, pulling him out of the room. “Good, because you’re the last one and it’s time to get out there.”

In the waiting area before the stage, the rest of the members, all wearing similar outfits, awaited Sunoo and Jake. They grinned in unison as the two approached. Jake released Sunoo, shoving him gently towards the rest of the group and even slapping Sunoo’s ass as he stumbled forward only to be caught around the shoulders by a smiling Sunghoon.

“Let’s do this,” said Jake, and Sunoo’s heart fluttered and filled with warmth as he was led out onto the stage by his buzzing-with-happiness members. Right. This was where he was meant to be all along.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Healing was not linear. Sunoo had good days, when he felt 100% Sunoo, 100% himself, and then he had bad days when he felt… like something else. At least three nights a week Riki snuck into his bed, and Sunoo slept better on those days. But Riki didn’t always have the capacity to do that, and so sometimes Sunoo had days like today, when he didn’t even want to get out of bed to go to dance practice, much less do a fan meeting.

He had tossed and turned all night, haunted by memories he wasn’t even sure were real. He wasn’t sure how much of what he did remember was just his brain filling in gaps.

Dr. Choi told him that his complete lack of memory, while certainly a symptom of the drugs, was also likely Sunoo’s brain’s way of protecting him. Sometimes, Sunoo wondered if it would be better if he could just remember. And there was a way to—he could watch the video in its entirety any time. He just wasn’t sure if he would survive it.

So his imagination made up things for him sometimes. The result was a Sunoo with dark circles under his eyes, pale skin, and trembling hands.

But Enhypen didn’t have a choice but to go on, and neither did Sunoo, unless he wanted the company to make good on their threat to put him on hiatus again. So instead of wallowing in bed and crying all day like he wanted to, Sunoo forced his hollow body up, forced himself through his morning skin care routine, and forced himself to dress for the day ahead. A stylist would be redressing him later, but at least for now he could dress in gloomy clothes to match his gloomy mood.

For once, the weather outside did not reflect his disposition. For the first time in what felt like years, the sun was shining. The blue sky stretched on without a cloud in sight. Even the air quality index was good that day, a rarity for Seoul.

Of course, his members noticed his mood as soon as they saw him. But, like always, they just silently supported him, waiting for him to come to them. Jungwon was a solid warmth against his side in the car, offering an airpod to Sunoo so they could listen to music together on the way there. Sunoo gratefully took it, giving his leader a small smile.

For the rest of the day, Sunoo was quiet. He did everything on automatic, running through the motions without feeling anything, without remembering anything. He danced and sang, he greeted fans, and he kept up a mask of cheerfulness that fooled everyone but those who knew him best. By the end of it, he was so exhausted that he fell asleep on Sunghoon’s shoulder in the back of the van.

When he woke, they were alone.

Sunoo cracked bleary eyes open and found that he was still in the back of a now empty van. Sunghoon’s body pressed up against him, radiating heat. He was scrolling on his phone casually as Sunoo drooled—literally drooled—on his shoulder.

Raising his head in confusion, Sunoo asked, “Hyung? What are we doing here?”

“Oh, you’re awake,” said Sunghoon, putting his phone down and smiling at Sunoo who was peering around the empty van in confusion. “You were sleeping.”

“I—I know that, but why didn’t you wake me? How long have we been here?” Sunoo wiped at the dry drool on the corner of his mouth in disgust.

Sunghoon checked the time on his phone. “Oh, not long. Maybe just an hour or so.”

“An hour?” Sunoo’s eyes widened. He sat up further and yawned widely, stretching as he did so. Sunghoon’s warm eyes stayed on him. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

Sunghoon’s gaze was almost too soft to take, too full of adoration for Sunoo to handle. With a quirk of his perfect lips, he chuckled and ruffled Sunoo’s hair. “You seemed like you needed it, and you were too cute to wake up anyways.”

Sunoo pouted, blinking sleep-teary eyes at his hyung. “You could have woken me,” he grumbled, though secretly he was quite pleased. For some reason that sleep had felt more refreshing than all the sleep he’d gotten in the last two weeks combined.

“Shall we?” said Sunghoon, getting up to slide open the van door.

Sunoo clambered out after him. Sunghoon caught his arm as he stumbled on the way down. The movement brought their chests together, making Sunoo look up into Sunghoon’s eyes as he blushed with embarrassment.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Thank you.”

Sunghoon gave him a teasing smirk. “Be careful,” he said.

Sunoo rolled his eyes, biting back a smile. Sunghoon took his arm, winding it around his own so they were linked. Sunoo blinked at him.

“So you don’t trip again,” said Sunghoon, teasing once more. But Sunoo got the sense that he was very serious.

Blushing yet again (and annoyed that he was doing so), Sunoo allowed himself to grip Sunghoon’s arm, feeling the muscle underneath that smooth, pale skin. He had to admit that just holding onto it made him feel a little bit more steady.

“Whatever, hyung,” he said.

Sunghoon guided him through the garage and up to the lower floor apartment. He brought Sunoo all the way to the door of his room, dropping him off in front like they had been on a date and Sunghoon had walked him home. Sunoo’s cheeks burned.

Don’t be like this, whispered his logical brain while his treacherous heart throbbed in his chest. You can’t have this anymore, whispered the part of him that sounded like Doyun.

Rather than giving into it this time, though, Sunoo stomped the thought into the ground. His nap in the car had provided the strength to at least do that.

Sunghoon peered down at him through those long, dark lashes. He had the wisps of a mustache and stubble from the long day with his makeup washed off already. A little red mark on his jaw indicated where he may have cut himself shaving. Sunoo almost reached up to touch it in fascination; Sunghoon was real, somehow, standing here in front of Sunoo.

Sunghoon cleared his throat, and Sunoo could immediately tell that he was gearing up to say something—something he’d been thinking about for a long time. He was so obvious about it that it almost made Sunoo smile. So he waited for whatever words Sunghoon was gathering in his heart.

“Sunoo-yah,” he started in that soft, velvety voice, “I—you know—I—I just—”

He huffed in frustration at his own inability to find words as Sunoo giggled helplessly.

Feeling for his hyung, Sunoo took Sunghoon’s hand in his own smaller one and squeezed it gently. “Take your time, hyung,” he teased.

Sunghoon let out another huff of air through his nose, smiling. It faded as he peered away from Sunoo’s eyes and down at their entwined hands.

“I just wanted to say, Sunoo-yah, how sorry I am—”

He shut up with Sunoo’s finger over his mouth, blinking softly.

Sunoo shook his head, expression serious. “Please don’t apologize to me, hyung. There’s nothing that was… your fault.”

Staring up into Sunghoon’s eyes, Sunoo found the courage to continue. “In fact, hyung, I really have to thank you. Hoonie—the fox plushie you gave me—has been such a big help in… well, he’s been helping me sleep a lot, so thank you. And the rings too. I wear them all the time, I’m sure you’ve noticed.”

Sunoo’s cheeks pinkened and he broke Sunghoon’s gaze. But then Sunghoon grabbed both of his hands and held them up between their bodies. Their fingers brushed lightly, like Sunghoon was afraid to hold on too tight. Sunoo’s heart was throbbing so hard he worried Sunghoon could feel it through his palm.

“I’m glad,” said Sunghoon. “I’ll buy you more.”

Sunoo laughed and shook his head. “Hyung, you don’t have to do that. One plushie is enough. And two rings are more than enough.” Especially considering how expensive they were, though Sunoo knew in all likelihood Sunghoon had not paid full price.

Sunghoon pouted. Actually pouted. Jake and Jay would have clowned him right now, but Sunoo found it shockingly sweet. “But I want to.”

“Well,” Sunoo said, suddenly breathless, “I guess I can’t keep you from doing what you want.”

Sunghoon shook his head, fangs flashing as he grinned. He tweaked Sunoo’s nose like he couldn’t help himself. Sunoo froze.

“No, you can’t, Sunoo-yah.” Sunghoon released his hands. “Now go get some real sleep, okay? We need you to be at the top of your game tomorrow.”

This was more teasing, so Sunoo faintly said goodbye and watched him leave. As Sunghoon turned to go, something settled in Sunoo’s chest. The nose tweak… it had reminded him of Doyun. But it didn’t make him feel sick, it didn’t make him want to retreat far away from Sunghoon and disappear somewhere else. It made him feel warm inside, so warm.

His eyes filled with tears and he ran into his room and threw himself on his bed, rolling around in it and hugging Hoonie to his chest as he giggled helplessly, caught between tears and laughter.

Maybe, just maybe, the sunshine today had been a signal—that things really were, finally, going to get better. That the storm was ending, and the sun was shining once again.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Today, thanks to my Sunghoonie-hyung, I have the courage to face you—at least like this.

I have so much to tell you, and yet no words to say everything that’s on my mind and in my heart. It would break your hearts, to know what I’ve been through, and I don’t want you to look at me like I’m fragile and breakable for the rest of my life. So, for now at least, I’ll hold off.

I miss you. I’ve been away from home for so much of my life now, sometimes I feel that I never really had a chance to know you guys the way a teenager should get to know his parents. It’s like I skipped all that time because I was so focused on myself and the path ahead of me. I know you don’t think of it like that, though, so maybe it’s okay.

One thing that has always kept me going, even on my darkest days, is the knowledge of your unconditional love. I know that you’ll always, always love me no matter what. I always have a home to go to if things don’t work out.

That’s all I have to say for now. Maybe someday I’ll find the words to share what’s really going on inside my heart.

I promise to call soon.

Love,
Sunoo

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

EPILOGUE — SIX MONTHS LATER

Months passed. The rainy season faded into a cool, dry, and sunny winter, and before Sunoo knew it, Enhypen had concluded a world tour and were preparing for another comeback.

Throughout it all, Sunoo continued to attend therapy. He hadn’t self-harmed in months, and celebrated this small but meaningful win privately by buying another Labubu. A few days later, he discovered a robin’s egg blue Tiffany box in his bag with a pair of white gold Tiffany T earrings to match his ring inside.

Squealing in delight, he immediately put them on. He tried not to blush knowing they were from Sunghoon, whose eyes sparkled when he saw Sunoo wearing them the very next day. Jungwon nudged his side with a sly grin, making Sunoo giggle and push him away.

He was also speaking with his parents and sister regularly again. He still hadn’t told them why he’d gone ghost for so long, but for now they had all put it out of mind. Perhaps at Enhypen’s next real break, when he was able to visit home for a while, he would consider breaking that barrier.

In the meantime, his relationships with his members thrived. Sunghoon still teased him relentlessly, but there was a gentle edge to it that made Sunoo feel… some type of way. He wasn’t ready to define it yet. Sometimes they got coffee together at the nearby café, and Sunghoon would sit there with a steaming cup of tea while Sunoo chattered for hours.

On tour, Sunoo went shopping with Jungwon in each city they visited, looking for the perfect souvenirs and gifts for their families. During downtime, they would sit together, shoulder-to-shoulder, reading and sharing an earbud. They had such similar tastes in books that they often traded after finishing something.

Jay insisted on taking Sunoo out to expensive, fancy dinners at restaurants that he or Sunoo wanted to try. It was like he was trying to make up for all the shitty dates Sunoo had ever been on, and he wasn’t complaining. His hyung was always good company, and he always had an ear to listen to Sunoo when he needed advice or was having a hard day.

Sunoo also kept his promise. He only had a few moments of weakness, when it came to wanting to harm himself, but in them he took comfort in being able to run to Jay’s side and listen to him play guitar or babble about F1.

Jake also “stepped up his game” (his words, not Sunoo’s), having decided that Sunoo had only thought he needed a boyfriend because Jake wasn’t paying enough attention to him. It was completely ridiculous, but it made Sunoo laugh every time. They still had their takeout dinners—Jake’s treat, always—on the couch in their apartment and bonded over Jake’s various romantic escapades.

Sunoo wasn’t ready to go on any of his own yet, but he was glad he could still have this with his hyung. And maybe someday he would have escapades to share. For now, he mostly told Jake about his coffee not-dates with Sunghoon and gushed over the food Jay bought him.

Heeseung was always a silent source of comfort, an umbrella to carry on a rainy day. He and Sunoo didn’t spend too much time together outside of schedules, but whenever they did, a sense of absolute peace washed over Sunoo. He would never forget what Heeseung had done for him. They shared quiet moments together, like Sunoo flipping through a magazine on the hotel bed while Heeseung gamed, each wearing a moisturizing face mask from Sunoo’s endless collection of beauty products.

On Heeseung’s birthday, Sunoo gifted him the keyboard he’d been eyeing, even though Sunoo thought it was a stupid gift, considering how many he already had. He also wrote Heeseung a card so long that it was practically a short story, and suspected Heeseung had actually cried while reading it.

With Riki, Sunoo did everything. They had always spent a lot of time together and that didn’t change, despite Sunoo’s deep-seated fears it would. Sometimes Sunoo crawled into Riki’s bed for comfort. He was never turned away.

But most memorable was the day they spent traversing Tokyo together. They did all the things they loved—visited temples in Asakusa, shopped in Shibuya, and ate in Roppongi. Then Riki took him to the shop where he’d bought Sunoo the journal all that time ago. Sunoo picked out a new one, since his was almost used up.

That night, sitting comfortably wrapped in the hotel’s warm bathrobe while Riki showered, Sunoo sat down and opened the original journal, its replacement lying on the desk. His fingers brushed over dry paper indented with pen marks as he flipped to the final three empty pages.

There was a time when he’d thought he’d never be able to do this, but suddenly he had decided today was the day. He wrote a final entry:

Dear Doyun-ssi -hyung,

I don’t know how to start this letter. Well, maybe I do. Hyung Doyun Hyung, you were my first boyfriend (at least, as an adult. I’m not counting one-month high school relationships). You knew that, but it feels different to write the words on the page in a letter to you. You were my first boyfriend.

There’s something about firsts, my mom told me, that makes everything more memorable, more painful. I think she’s right. Even though I never loved you, I was on my way, and then you had to go and destroy it.

Despite it all, I’m still here. You didn’t manage to destroy me. I don’t know what your intentions were, if you are just a person who enjoys doing things like that, who gets something out of it, or if you really did want to completely destroy me and the other people you did this to. The survivors.

After all this time, I still don’t know who they are. And that’s okay. Even though sometimes I imagine what it would be like to talk to them. What it would be like to share our experiences. Did you romance them as well? Were you texting them “good morning beautiful” the same way you texted me? Did you watch dramas together? Did you drink wine on the balcony while watching the sun set? These are the questions I want to ask them. But maybe I’m better off not knowing.

Hyung—I’m going to call you that for now, just until I finish this letter, and then I’m going to let you go forever—when I think of you, I think of you as a storm in my life. You whirled in, upending everything, causing strife and chaos wherever you went, and then just like that you were gone again, leaving me behind, shaken and broken. I told this to Jungwon and he liked it, as a metaphor. He said that communities recover from storms, with help.

I have a lot of help, hyung.

After That Night, I thought I was alone. I lashed out, I hurt myself, I broke down every day. I didn’t understand—I still don’t understand why you did that to me. I don’t think I ever will. I asked my therapist about that and she said she could explain it from a psychological standpoint, but that the answer would likely never satisfy me. I liked that response from her. It made sense. There’s something about you that’s just broken and you’re trying to use other people to make yourself unbroken. Or something like that.

But it turns out I’m not alone, hyung, even though you wanted me to be. I have so many people around me who love me. I’m going to tell you about them now so that you understand just how not-alone I am, even after you:

• Heeseung-hyung — The first person I told about you. He is like an angel to me. I don’t even know if there are words to explain how much he has done for me. Everything about hyung is soft and gentle when it comes to me. He never raises his voice. He never gets angry, even when I lash out. He is the most responsible hyung when it comes to dealing with my feelings and somehow he always knows what to say and do.
  
• Jay-hyung — The person who always cheers me up. This hyung always knows what to say when I’m feeling down, and he always knows how to make me laugh. But he’s also not afraid to let me be angry at him if I have to be. He is there for me in other ways. He is not afraid to show his affection, or to placate me with material items since I adore gifts. He is funny and soft, kind and brotherly.
  
• Jake-hyung — There really are no words to describe who Jake-hyung is to me. He is like my real brother, so protective and genuinely close to me. My first friend and hyung since before I-Land. He really cares about me, and shows it every day. He does everything for me, all the things I don’t want to do he takes care of. And he punched you in the face! He’ll always be my hero for that.
  
• Sunghoon-hyung — Aish, what do I even say about this guy? He is simultaneously the most annoying person in the world and my favorite person, sometimes. He says and does things that are so inexplicable. He teases me so much, but then he’s so, so good to me. He looks at me with so much affection and is always there, hovering, which should be annoying but instead I just find attractive. Screw you, Doyun—Sunghoonie-hyung is my ideal type.
  
• Jungwonie — My leader baby and best friend. I don’t know what I’d do or who I’d be without Jungwon. He is always there for me in the quietest of moments, watching and guarding. He had to grow up too fast, in this group, and it shows in the way that he treats me. I think of him sometimes more as a same-age friend rather than a dongsaeng because he’s so mature. I know I can talk to him about anything, but I’d also do anything to spare him a bit of pain.
  
• Riki — My actual baby. My rock. My solid ground. Don’t know what I’d do without him. It’s hard to describe my relationship with Riki; it can’t really be summed up in words. He’s a part of me, no doubt, and more permanently than you are. I think that’s all I have to say for you to understand.
  
• Noona — My sister who knows me better than anyone in the world. I think if I told her about you, nothing would stop her from hunting you down and killing you. It’s that sort of devotion that keeps me going.
  
• Yuki — My responsible and parental manager. More like an uncle than a staff member. He cares more than I knew and deals with the company better than I ever could.
  
• My mom — It’s my mom, what am I supposed to say? There’s something about her unconditional love that I’ll always need.
  
• My dad — Although he is more distant than my mother, he also knows me inside and out. He also loves me unconditionally. Someone you can never take away from me.

So there we have it. All the people who love me. And there are so many more. Despite everything, you couldn’t sweep them away in your raging torrent.

Oh, and also, you’re in jail now. That’s definitely the best part.

Goodbye, Doyun. I’m moving on.

— Sunoo

Glancing out the enormous hotel window, Sunoo took in the Tokyo horizon. Tall buildings sparkled in the moonlight. Below them, thousands of people milled about as the city swelled with excitement for the night.

The moon hung heavy, almost full like a wide-open eye watching over Sunoo and everything else below it with a distant yet soft warmth. The dark sky, faintly blue with the dying light, was cloudless and full of twinkling stars.

Affection welled in Sunoo. He closed the journal and pressed it to his chest before putting it away in his suitcase. There it would sit for a long time unopened until Sunoo was ready to re-read it, to take comfort in how far he had come since the day he started the journal and even from the day he closed it.

He didn’t know what the future held. But he knew that it was still bright, that there were still sunny days ahead, even through the stormy ones.

END.