Archive of Our Own ^beta

Cricket goes to turn back towards the rest of the camp when Barbara’s voice interrupts, her voice back to the gentle playfulness he saw earlier as she demonstrated her new roguish skills.

“I saw… you and Willow. Is that a new development then?”

It catches him off guard, slightly. Him and Willow. Them, together. Even now, he can almost feel her hand on his cheek, her lips on his, and his heart races.

“Yeah, uh- yes, pretty new”, he replies, and he can’t help but smile as he faces her once again.

There’s a similar grin on her face.

“She looks happy”

He recalls the blinding, beautiful smile Willow gave him just a minute ago. How lucky he is, to witness that, to be the one that caused it.

“I hope so”

He really does. He would never dream of deserving her, someone so brave, so strong. But for some reason she loves him, and he will be dammed if he ever lets that go.

There is a small silence, a moment when Barbara just… looks at him. The smile fades. There is a sadness in her eyes. Cricket waits, a frown forming slowly on his face, but he gives her a second to find her words.

“How long have you got?”

They feel like a punch to the gut.

Cricket opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He looks at her, this brave, strong woman who’s lost not one, but two loves in her long, long life. He looks at her and his heart breaks.

“Not too long. A few years, five, maybe. More or less”, he chokes out.

Not enough.

He’s always been aware of time running out, since he ran away. Always racing behind a ticking clock. Now though, now, he feels like every second is like sand slipping through his fingers.

Her eyes well up and she nods, in acknowledgment at first, and it transforms into a resolve as she takes a step towards him.

“You tell her you love her. Every day, every chance you get, okay?”

He nods back, unable to speak, the weight on his chest making it hard to breathe.

“You- you make her laugh. Let yourselves be silly and laugh together, yeah? You know our Willow, she doesn’t let loose easily. You make sure to make her laugh”, she continues.

There is an urgency in her gaze too as she speaks.

“Give her gifts, too. Draw things, write, make her trinkets- I don’t know. She’ll need those when it gets really hard”

He starts to make a list in his head and the thoughts come and go, erratic.

“Y- Yeah, okay, okay”, he whispers, as his vision blurs.

“I didn’t get to keep much from my Alvie-“, her voice breaks.

Cricket extends a hand and he wants to hug her and comfort her but she raises a hand towards him as she takes a deep breath. He watches patiently as she collects herself but her grief isn’t shoved down and buried like he expected. It’s very much there, plain as day on the lines of her face.

“You make sure she knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that you love her.”

He lets the words sink in.

He will, he swears.

He’ll tell her every goddamn day. He’ll make her laugh, as much as he can with his bad jokes. He’ll doodle, he’ll write her letters, he’ll play his panpipes until she threatens to throw them on another plane of existence.

“I will”, he says, and he makes sure to convey the certainty, the promise, in his voice.

He turns to leave and his legs, shaky as they are from the waves of emotions flood his body, carry him forward with purpose. He sees Willow, not too far ahead, waiting for him.

Every day, he reminds himself. Every day.

*

First chance he gets, he goes to Siggy.

They are on the long and freezing route to Ezheim, have been for the past few days. Siggy, as he usually does, takes first watch and since they left the Crucible camp with Saedie in tow, she opts in to join him and Cricket hears them chat and catch up with a heartwarming enthusiasm as he falls asleep next to Willow every night.

It’s on the fourth night that he sees his opportunity - Saedie is staying in touch with her siblings via Toni’s sending spells so Siggy is alone, quietly running drills with his Axe of Songs, when Cricket ambushes him.

“Mind if I join you on your watch tonight?”

Siggy’s startles a bit, but doesn’t drop his stance, looking straight forward and past the dome into the white expanse of snow.

“Sure buddy, go for it”

Cricket nods, and, plan secured, goes back to Willow’s side where she welcomes him with a question in her eyes.

“All okay?”

He sits back down next to her and reaches out to hold her hand. She takes it, and the slight queasiness is barely visible on her face anymore. She holds him tighter.

“Yeah, ‘course. Asked Siggy if I could keep watch with him tonight is all. I wanted to speak with him”

He knows she can tell there’s something more he’s not saying. He gives her hand a squeeze and brings it up to his lips, giving her a little kiss.

“I’ll be back in a couple of hours, yeah?”

Instead of letting him go, she sits up and pulls him in for a kiss. He closes his eyes, and for a moment, time stands still.

She pulls back first, and rests her forehead against his.

“Be safe”, she whispers, “Wake me up if anything happens”

“Of course”, he nods. Cricket lingers, getting lost in her beautiful vibrant purple eyes. “I love you”, he adds.

He sees the words alight on her and the small smile she gives him takes his breath away like it always does.

“I love y-“ she mumbles back, or at least tries to, before Siggy’s fond and teasing voice interrupts.

“Cricket, stop making out with your girlfriend and come over here, will you? It’s watch time”

Chuckling, he gives her hand another squeeze before letting go.

He waits a while before he bring it up. Lets Siggy talk about the deep winters of Ezheim and snow so deep you could get lost it in. He listens, and time passes until the rest of the camp is sound sleep. After almost an hour, there’s a lull in the conversation when he suspects Siggy might be dozing off.

“Siggy”, he calls out, bumping his shoulder against the dwarf’s, “Wake up”

“Hm?”, Siggy mutters, voice thick with sleep, “I’m awake, I’m awake”

Cricket waits a moment. He looks ahead to the snowflakes that fall and hit the surface of the dome, to the howling, freezing cold wind he can hear but cannot feel.

“Siggy,” he starts, and his voice is suddenly firm with solemnity. He feels the dwarf’s eyes on him, sharp with intensity.

“Yeah?”, he replies, almost hesitant.

Cricket takes a breath, steeling himself against the emotions he’s already struggling to keep away.

He needs to do this.

“I’m not going to live much longer”

He stares straight ahead to a horizon he cannot see even as he feels Siggy’s whole body flinch next to him.

“No- why would you say that? Cricket, you’re fine-“

“I am fine now, yes. If I’m lucky I have a few years ahead of me, 4 or 5, at most”

He’s ruthless about it. His jaw is tense, so are his shoulders, as he tries to keep his breathing calm and measured. He has a job to do.

“Toni and Saedie will be around a bit longer, but not by much-“

“What the fuck Cricket, stop saying that”, and there’s an anger in Siggy trembling voice that barely covers the sorrow behind it.

Cricket ignores it, he has to.

“But you, Siggy, you’re gonna live way beyond that. So I need you to do something for me, okay?”

His own voice starts to shake and he clenches his fists trying to suppress it. Siggy goes suddenly silent. He sees Siggy’s shoulders drop, the fight leaving him. But the silence stretches on and the waves of despair threaten to overwhelm him so he doubles down.

“Are you hearing me-“

“Yes”, Siggy almost whispers, “I hear you”

He almost looks to Siggy then, almost, but he knows whatever expression marks his face would break his heart further so he remains still.

“Look after her”

Against his will, his vision blurs. The snow piling up against the edges of the dome becomes fuzzy as tears fill his eyes and still, he refuses to let them fall, shoving it all down.

“You need to promise me Siggy, that you’ll look after her when I’m gone”

In the corner of his eye, he sees Siggy wipe tears off his face.

“Cricket-“, he starts, but Cricket doesn’t let him.

“Please”, he begs, as he turns and look to his brother, his best friend, his Drengr, his family, “She can’t be alone”

His voice breaks, and the tears fall.

“You’ll stay with her, after. I don’t care if she wants you gone, you don’t listen. You be as stubborn as we all know you can be and you make sure she’s not alone.”

He tries, he tries so hard to stay detached, to keep the sorrow at bay, but he just can’t.

“You look after her, okay?”

They look at each other for a while. Siggy looks shattered, but there’s a determination in his eyes as he nods. He reaches out and clasps their hands together.

“I promise”

The weight Cricket has been carrying on his chest since the conversation with Barbara lightens, and he takes his first full breath in days.

They spend the rest of the watch in a silence heavy with something like grief and Siggy does not leave his side for one single second.

Eventually, Siggy goes to wake Toni for her watch. Cricket keeps an eye on the camp, giving her a few minutes as she sighs and  struggles to wake. The sky is dark at this hour but filled with stars and moons, all towering over him, making him feel small. He looks back to Willow’s sleeping form and longs to settle down in her arms once again.

Before he can, Siggy catches his arm, pulls him in for a hug. If Toni sees it, she doesn’t say.

“I love you brother”, and Cricket hears the small smile on his lips.

“I love you too Siggy”

The dwarf pulls back, and there are tears in his eyes again, but he just smiles, whispering “go” as he nods towards Willow.

Cricket tries his best not to disturb her rest as he lies down next to her, but she opens her eyes as soon as he does anyway.

“All good?”, she whispers.

He buries his face in the crook of her neck and breathes her in for a minute. His worries fade, and all that is left is love.

“Yeah, all good”

He clings to her for as long as he can before he moves away so she can rest. He watches her for a while. Her hair falling past her shoulders, the peaceful rise and fall of her chest, the freckles like starlight dotted across her face.

“I love you”, he whispers, almost inaudible, but he knows she heard him as she smiles, before they fall asleep.