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Chapter Text

ACT I:

This story contains extracts from Shakespeare’s Hamlet (circa 1600)

To be or not to be, that is the question:

My mother didn´t come on opening night. She had sent her second butler, not even the first, and a professional photographer, ignoring me warning her that cameras were not allowed at the theatre.

Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer,
The slings and arrows of – a pause, it’s not like I had been expecting her to come. I knew she wouldn’t show up. I don’t care– outrageous fortune…

The audience, like hungry octopuses, want to eat me. I stood on that stage but they were above me, all over me, insatiably and silently asking more from me. What else was I willing to give? All of this armour like costume that hugs and suffocates me, could it ever be stripped down?

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them.

He is somewhere there behind me. Hidden through the shadowed doors that lead backstage. Is he watching me? Horatio? Is he listening to this soliloquy as attentive as I instructed him to? I want to find him. I want to say so much. I want to scream.

To die, to sleep,
No more. And by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
The flesh is heir to: ‘tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d.

He will listen. He will see the kind heart that my intentions hide. My Horatio, my only confidant. My partner. My lover.

To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream.

–

I arrived late to the induction meeting. People at the school didn’t care, or they pretended not to, they said it was fine, that it was a 15 hour flight. In their eyes I could read that their understandment to my late arrival did not stem from knowing how far South Korea was, but from knowing who my father had been. It was pity. They asked for my name, just to make sure. Choi Seungcheol, right? One of the monitors asked and I nodded, as if I wasn’t obviously sentenced to carry my father’s eyes and the name of his worldwide success on my back.
It was around 10 am and they showed me the dorm I would be staying at in the University. The Globe’s company had a partnership with them and the program was allowed to use their auditorium, their gym, their dorms and their never ending gardens. You could see the gardens from my window: they extended far and reached wave like hills and little trees of every green.
We had to meet at the auditorium, first floor, was the instruction. There, many pairs greeted with their unique curiosities. One of two instructors motioned for me to sit along with the group. I counted 10 people.

“Well here we are! All 10 of us, welcome to the program!” it was a male instructor talking, British. The other one, a woman, half sat on the stage. “My name is Charles, you can call me Charlie, completely, Char too. I am your physical and vocal trainer as long as this summer lasts… And…” he motioned behind himself.

“My name is Amelia” she straightened up. Voice was mauve deep and unlike Charles’ open stance, hers was more like a tall Hanok wall. “I will be leading your lectures. That is Shakespeare’s history, Shakespearean legacy and of course an in depth induction into one of his plays, which you should be in conditions to perform at the Globe by the end of the summer.”

“Spoiler alert” Charles cut her “It’s a tragedy”

Someone mutedly yelled YES! And someone else silenced them. “What?” the first person said “I don’t like the comedies.”

”It is, indeed, a tragedy that you will be playing.” She continued. “As we mentioned, at the Globe’s one and only stage. That is why we took your applications and auditions very seriously. You were selected from over a hundred thousand applicants, so give yourselves a pat on the back” Everyone clapped, “And starting now, we are going to get ready to audition for the tragedy. You can see, sitting beside each of you there are people from 5 different countries.”

“Yes! I’ll help you out with that” Charles continued “We’ve got twk of you from Italy! How lovely, welcome girls! Three of you from the United States! Welcome to you too. Two of you come from South Korea! Would you look at that, were are you guys?”

I put my hand up and saw another point to the ceiling far in a corner to my right, though I couldn’t see their face.

“Welcome guys! It’s truly an honor… then we’ve got one guy from Mexico, one from Turkey and a girl from India, there you are! Welcome all to the globe’s summer intensive!”

I could tell they were all younger than me. All cheery and talkative, excited to know each other. They stood up as soon as we were dismissed and approached one another, as if possessed by Shakespearean fairies. I stayed on my seat a while longer, waiting for the other South Korean to show his face but interrupted by a loud…

“Hey! What’s up!” One of the American guys. He was average looking, had a square face and might be a good looking lead if he put some work on himself. “My name’s Tucker. You’re Korean, right? My best friend is Korean too, he’s back in LA though. Have you been?”

Of course I had been. I’ve seen my father walk a few red carpets.

“Once” I replied. “Uh, I’m Seungcheol. Choi Seungcheol.”

“Ah, man…” he sat beside me, “That’s the thing with Koreans, what’s up with the long names? Bro in LA just goes by Leo. Fucking boring a name but who am I to judge, right? Tuckie.”

“Seungcheol is not that long”

“Can I call you Choi? I said it right? Choi?”

Was I not going to be a continuation of my father here as well? What else if not?

“Sure” I accepted “Let’s do that”

Tucker invited me to lunch, he had been invited by Kavya, the Indian girl. We went to a restaurant that Charles had recommended, just outside the university buildings. I got there together with Tucker and while approaching the table I saw him. The other South Korean hand I had seen rise in the air earlier. Kavya and him were chatting before she called us to their table.
Him and I instantly locked eyes. He had longish almost white blonde hair coming to his chin, soft boyish features, he couldn’t be my age, but he was Korean. He scanned me and I knew he knew who I was, I knew what sort of thought he was thinking. I sat beside the girl but it was still awkward to have him stare at me upfront.

“Nice that you decided to come!” The girl told Tucker “And brought a friend!”

“That’s Choi” Tucker said and turned to his right “Hey, you’re Korean too, right? What’s your name?”

“I go by Han” he talked swiftly, lightly.

“I say you should go by Hannie” Kavya suggested “it’s cute like that kpop girl!”

“Hannie is easy” LA guy sat back at ease.

“Seungcheol is easy too” I told him “What about you? Why don’t you change your name for us?”

“Tucker? What do you change about Tucker? You can call me Tuck, if you want. I hate it but… to be in common grounds”

“Well I can allow you three to call me Kay then. Doesn’t get easier than that”

Tucker laughed “Hah, ‘kay.”

Korean guy, Han, Hannie, smiled. I too, fell at ease.

We were set to start classes on Monday, so I spent the post lunch afternoon alone in my room, sleeping or trying to do so.
It was just before midnight in South Korea, perfect time for gossip sites and online creeps to raise rumors about whatever celebrity they had as a target. Today’s was my mother.
She had been followed around a few times after my father’s passing. Some people said she was too cold, she wasn’t expressing enough pain or love. Some went as far as to theorize she might have been involved in my father’s death, ignoring the fact that had been ill for a long time. This time they had decided that my mother had already moved on. One headline read: Im Doyeon sends son away to focus on new blooming romance less than a month after husband’s passing. A new blooming romance, as if she could have a mind space for that. I saw my mother’s suffering and held her tears in my very hands.
It was all just baseless gossip.

I spent the weekend at the dorms. I didn’t want to make small talk in the corridors or have to deal with Tucker’s youthful energy. All of them felt like they were midst a life I had already lived and now I was separate, adrift, willingly trying to reach a new age in which solitude and high priced consequences were the norm.
Besides there was him, the other Korean guy, with whom I locked eyes once again on Saturday morning when I went to bring myself some breakfast. We wouldn’t be friends, I knew it and it was a shared distance. We wouldn’t even brush shoulders on stage, I guessed, he moved with a lack of training and overwhelming curiosity hinting that he needed at least half the experience that the rest of the group. I had never seen him act in anything major back in our country.

I finally got his name on Monday’s first class: movement.
Charles made us do a brief introduction and right before Han talked it was Kavya’s turn.

“Hi! It’s very nice to meet you, I think I already know a bit about everyone. Well, my name is Kavya Agarwal but it’s okay to call me Kay, haha. I am 18 years old and I come from Mumbai. I have been acting in Bollywood productions since I was in my mom’s belly! I did Chai Pe Charcha, Saaya and Darmiyaan, well other films too, some more recent but only done on camera acting, unlike my mom. She never got to be a real lead actress in the films but she is passionate about theatre and she’s supporting me in this journey, so here I am!”

A Bollywood nepo, that was the most relatable character so far.

“Hello! My name is Yoon Jeonghan… or Jeonghan Yoon, my name is Jeonghan! Haha, well I also can go by Han or Hannie, I don’t know. Uhm, I am 20 years old. Back at home I…” he looked at me, I saw him, he looked at me like he was asking for my attention particularly. Or like he was readying himself to lie, I couldn’t tell yet. “I mostly did theatre, I joined a theatre company at 16 and have been working with them in some productions. All of them in Korean so it’s a challenge to be in a play fully in English… but yeah, that’s why I’m here…”

So like most of the group, he had theatre experience. I could tell a few things about him now. I could see who he would hang out with on a night out in Hongdae. I could see him roaming second hand vintage stores, I could see him never tuning into TvN or JTBC, not even owning a tv. Shaming others for paying their Netflix subscriptions.

But he knew who I was. When my turn came and he stared at me, I knew he knew my background and whatever I highlighted or suppressed, he already knew.

“Hello, I’m Choi Seungcheol. I think I might be the oldest… I am 30 years old. I have acted a little in television.” I saw him smirk. Not violent, maybe involuntarily. “And I’ve been involved in tv production as well. I think this is a great opportunity for all of us here no matter our background. I’m actually very impressed by each one of you fellow actors and I’m looking forward to working with you all.”

Chapter Text

I had successfully avoided Korean guy (now Jeonghan), LA guy and Bollywood Nepo all Monday. I imagined they had probably spent their lunchtime together at the same restaurant or had gone coffee shop hunting. Maybe they had left the campus’s facilities, or the town even, gone and adventured into London, who knows. I stayed in dorms after Movement and went back to my room after Elizabethan England: Shakespeare in context or The Context class. The sun hadn’t bloomed all day and when Tuesday came and my 7 am alarm went off, it was still hiding behind its greys. I checked my phone to intentionally see what was being said about my mother. This time there were pictures. She was leaving the Marriot, covered in a navy silk scarf and dark glasses, the headlines pointed out she had been staying in Daegu and some netizens hypothesized she was performing remorse by visiting her former husband’s family after she was found out with a new lover. Others assumed this new lover lived in Daegu. One comment or maybe two asked for coverage on real things instead of over feeding show business to the people.
I lingered on the sites a bit longer, to see if anyone still mourned my father, but found nothing.

I called my mom.

“Son! It’s been so long, how is London? Are you making new friends?”

“Yeah, no, I’m not in London, Mom, I’m in… whatever, I haven’t been there yet.”

“Oh but you have to go! Have fun, experience the city, an European night life.”

“I will go, mom, eventually. The Globe’s there… anyways, how have you been? Everything’s okay?”

“Of course everything is okay, son, why wouldn’t it?”

“I don’t know… i thought maybe you’ve been doing new things… meeting new people…”

I wasn’t subtle, the suggestion practically rolled out of my tongue.

“I’m doing fine, Seungcheol. You should worry about yourself. Have you met new people?”

“Of course, I just haven’t befriended anyone yet.”

“Are you the only Korean?”

“No, there’s someone else… By the way, have you heard the name Yoon Jeonghan before? Like in acting?”

“Yoon Jeonghan? Jeong-Han right?”

“Right, Jeong…”

“Not particularly… no I don’t think I have a face for that name… have you tried google?”

“Of course mom.” And nothing had come up.

We shared goodbyes and I went out and into my first class of the day. Movement, again.

Charles was a good teacher, I guess. He had a lot of uplifting energy and wasn’t scared of giving out a personalized recommendation. He paid close attention but I guess this wasn’t that great of a merit considering we were only ten students. He stopped by Jeonghan a lot, well, two times. First on Monday to correct his posture and then on Tuesday to help him release his neck tension, “you’re a bit stiff there” he said.

We worked in pairs, mirroring each other. I got to pair with Kavya whose movements were short, simple and predictable yet fun nevertheless. She had a really strong and hypnotizing gaze, you could tell she belonged on the screen.

Tucker approached me once we left the gym and Movement classes.

“Hey, wanna go grab a coffee with us at The Green Room?”

“The what?”

“The Green Room! This place we went to on the weekend and then again yesterday, Kay is challenging us to try every item on the menu, so we have to go at least four times a week to try every variation. Sounds fun?”

“Who’s going?”

“Duh, me, Kay and Han.”

I tagged along. I think it was because Tucker was, noticeably, the closest to me in age and I didn’t think it was a good idea to completely alienate too much from the whole group. My mother’s “have fun” suggestion resonated.

We walked under an uninteresting conversation about coffee versus tea in which I did not participate. I would have thought kids nowadays would want to meet at a barn for some drinks instead, but what would I know.

“You know what,” Kavya looked at me once we sat at a table waiting for our beverages, “you present yourself all bulky and frowning, kind of closed off and…” she turned to Tucker “You know what I mean?”

“Yeah, same.”

“But deep inside, Choi, you’re just a puppy.”

Tucker laughed, Jeonghan smiled.

“I mean it in the best way” She insisted, “You’ve got sensitivity in you. I saw it today during Movement.”

“What did you see?” I asked.

“Your eyes… the window to the soul, you know.”

“Oh my god, are you a bit damaged, Choi?” Tucker asked now, the three of them held their attention on me.

“What does that even mean? Of course I have sensitivity, I am an actor.”

“No but it’s more than that…” Kavya insisted and would have elaborated further if it hadn’t been for the coffees arriving. “Oh there they are! Ah, I also bought a set of shortbread biscuits…”

The waiter said sorry and went back to get them.

“What? I didn’t have breakfast,” she said, “Isn’t 8 am for a class too early for a summer program?”

“I don’t know, it’s my first time.” Tucker said and grabbed his iced latte with whipped cream on top.

“It’s my first time too.” I shrugged and grabbed my iced tea. “What about you, Jeonghan? Is this your first time?”
He looked up at me, astonished, surprised that it was me talking to him, then he smiled. He was always smiling for some reason.

“Also my first time… But isn’t it refreshing? Movement training first thing in the morning is kind of a staple… I don’t hate it.”

I agreed. Kavya didn’t and insisted on her stance while receiving the biscuits.

“Yeah but couldn’t it be at 9 am? Besides I overheard Charles talking to the Italian girls saying he wants to do the classes outside in the gardens… At 8 am!”

“Ugh… What do we think about the Italian girls?” Tucker asked and took a sip of his cream infected drink.

“They are so pretty,” Kavya said. “One of them was in a Guadagnino film.”

“The taller one looks so much like Olivia Hussey.” Jeonghan added.

“No, no, it’s Carla Bruni, you’re thinking Carla Bruni. She was the one in the Guadagnino film, I can’t think of the name.”

“She was obviously in an ensemble scene, in the back, I mean she’s pretty but…” Tucker paused. “Okay, are we in a safe space?”

“This is a safe space, Tuck.” Jeonghan reassured.

“Speak your mind out, my friend.” Kavya supported.

“Isn’t she kind of slow?” They chuckled, “She’s perfect with her English, barely no accent… But she acts like her brain connections are damaged… With all due respect.”

“Oh my god…” Kavya covered her mouth, “shut up!”

“Can I say something about Charles?” Jeonghan asked for permission, I watched as the ice on his americano melted, “Am I the only one thinking he’s a little bit… annoying?”

“God, thanks! I didn’t want to be the one to say it” Tucker celebrated.

Kavya agreed. “He is but not in an inherently bad way, you know? He’s just like…”

“Bothersome…? Would that be the word?” Jeonghan frowned.

“Maybe it’s just that he’s overly flamboyant that makes you guys think he’s annoying.” I said.

Kavya strongly opposed this. “No, I don’t have any issues with people expressing themselves or being loud about their sexuality…”

“Wait…” Tucker called a dramatic pause, again. “Do we think he’s gay?”

“Oh my god, no!” Kavya, “I’m not assuming that at all! Not that there’s a problem with it, I don’t have a problem with it… but…”

“I never said anything about his sexuality, guys” Jeonghan commented, “His private life is his to keep… Maybe I just got annoyed that he corrected me so many times.”

“Right, what was that all about?” Tucker. “Maybe he’s into you, Hannie.”

“Tuck don’t say that!” Kavya held her forehead in her palm, “He’s our teacher.”

“It’s not wrong for a teacher to be homosexual.” Tucker explained, now with a less suspicious, more easy going tone “Do you feel hatred towards homosexuals, is that what this is about, miss Bollywood?”

“You’re so stupid” she threw a biscuit crumb at him, “And don’t call me that! LA hobo.”

“Oh, that’s a new low, we don’t go there.” He threw a fake crumb back, “I’m just saying, he could feel a preference towards a student, be it artistic or something else.”

“Yeah but he’s old!”

“He’s just around my age” I defended, “didn’t he say he’s 35?”

“Oh my god, right, you’re 30!” Tucker.

“Shit… I’m just saying a lot of wrong things today huh?” Kavya, “I’m sorry, Choi. I didn’t mean to… You just look very young!”

“He’s got some experience though, you said you did television… K-dramas and shit?” Tucker.

“Yeah, something like that.” I said and Jeonghan grinned. I don’t know why he always did that. Those odd reactions to me talking about my career.

“Oh my god, I love K-dramas, I’ve probably watched like 10 just this year so far…” Kavya told me, noticeably excited. “Wait? Aren’t you the lead guy in Weightlifting Fairy?”

Jeonghan laughed. Out loud. As if he had been containing himself.

“That’s Nam Joohyuk, Kay, haha.” he said. “He’s like really cool. Have you ever met him, Seungcheol-ah?”

“I’m hyung to you.” I corrected, “I have met him, we’re close.”

Tucker said something about having a headache from his drink and then he tried to steal shortbread biscuits from Kavya. They dropped the topic but Jeonghan continued to look at me in an unsettling way. I tried to avoid his gaze or at the very least, not spend time deciphering it.

We left the cafe and went back to the university building to take The Context class. Jeonghan sat next to me and I was trapped between the wall and him. Tucker and Kavya sat in the next row.

“Hyung doesn’t mind me sitting here, right? Or do you, hyung?” he said and chuckled. “Why are you lying, hyung?”

“I’m not lying.”

“You haven’t done dramas… You have never even been on television.” He whispered.

“How would you know that? I have been on a drama.”

“A webtoon is not a drama… I have been on a short film project for university but I don’t go around saying I’m a movie star.” I looked at him. What did he want? What did he have against me? “Relax, I’m not telling on you, hyung! It’s just funny.”

I stayed silent for a bit, trying to dissect him. There was a lot I could go and say about him. He was a brat, disrespectful, he enjoyed making fun of others and didn’t care that one was mourning. I couldn’t say all of that out loud though, could I? I was the bigger person after all, I was the hyung. He just sat there and put his glasses on. I hadn’t noticed he needed glasses. He tied his hair in a low ponytail. I hadn’t noticed he did that either.

Tuesday was over and I was back in my room, once again scrolling through social media and news portals, trying to catch a sense of the reality that now encapsulated my mother. Finally, I stumbled upon a set of photos of her that had been posted during the Korean night. It was her at the Marriott in Daegu again. A few slides in and she was holding the hand of a stranger.

Chapter Text

The Context classes were over before the first week ended. We now have finally been notified of the play we were set to perform.

“It’s very dear to me.” Amelia explained, “I think it’s on every Shakespearean academic’s top three favorite plays. It’s got it all, perfectly crafted as is any of his tragedies. Family drama, passion, moral dilemmas, incest, murders, ghosts, the most tragic hero of them all. You back there already know where this is going, don’t you? That is Hamlet, guys.”

We were set to start auditions the following week, so we really had only a few days to know who we wanted to play and prepare an audition.

“I’ll go all or nothing,” Kavya commented while we waited for Charles to come out to the garden for our Friday morning Movement class. “I’m getting Hamlet.”

“You’re going for Hamlet?” Tucker questioned, eyebrows lifted out of impression.

“Why not? There have been many she Hamlets” Kavya said.

“Yeah but how many Indian she Hamlets?” Tucker sat down next to her, Jeonghan followed and I just looked at them from where I squatted.

“I support you.” Jeonghan said.

“Right? Besides I bet Carla Bruni slash Olivia Hussey is getting Ophelia, so why even bother…”

“You’d be a really good Ophelia.” I said.

“Aww thank you Choi. You’re so sweet. What are you guys auditioning for?”

“I’ll go for Horatio.” Tucker, “In my opinion he’s the MVP: he’s the first important character actually appearing on stage. Prince Hamlet makes no sense if there’s no Horatio, he’d lack deepness and the whole play would fall flat too quickly, the turmoil and the dilemma would not sustain itself as perfectly as it does.”

“If you defend him like that they might as well just hand it to you.” Jeonghan. “I think I’ll skip the leads and go for ensemble. I want to have a good time.”

“Dude,” Tucker “This is the Globe, Shakespeare’s Globe.”

He was right. This was a limited opportunity, possibly a once in a lifetime one, there was no time for modesty. Wasn’t Yoon Jeonghan a stage actor? Shouldn’t this be a dream of his? I felt a heat take over me, like I needed him to prove himself to me.

“Yeah.” I supported Tucker, “Isn’t this like a big goal for theatre kids to reach performing at the Globe?”

Jeonghan chuckled, “I’m not a theatre kid, I’m an actor. And I’m not saying this isn’t important to me, quite the opposite. Besides, Shakespeare as a goal, that’s such a western thing to say. I’d love to do a pansori play or an Oh Taesok play, but since I have this opportunity, I am determined to just enjoy it.”

“Okay,” I said but he was easily getting on my nerves, “I was just wondering, if that’s your background, why are you even here?”

He replied, “Why are you here?”

We fell silent but he pushed it.

“What about your background?”

Kavya sighed loud, “Can we not fight right now? It’s eight in the morning!”

Tucker patted me on the shoulder, “Give thy thoughts no tongue.”

“I’m not being… I was just joking.” I looked at Jeonghan, who read me for a second but finally grinned and said it was fine.

Charles came jogging with a few yoga blocks in a bag. He had changed from his all black training clothes to a lighter color and, what I guessed, was linen pants, plus a slightly see through brown shirt. With the palette change you could now notice his hair wasn’t brown but dirty blonde. The Mexican guy, Pedro, complimented him saying he looked quite free and Charles laughed and said he hoped we all felt in total freedom today and we weren’t yet slaves to Hamlet. That, I think, had been an already late suggestion.

We began by doing circle motions with our ankles and then our hands. Before we moved to our knees I looked up at Jeonghan who had, maybe intentionally, moved far from me in the circle. Was it possible he had some cruelty in him? Or ill intentions? If he tried proving that he knew so much about me, shouldn’t he know that my father had just passed? Did he just not care?

We moved to our knees and I looked right in front of me in the circle, one of the Italian girls, not Carla Bruni/Olivia Hussey, the shorter blonde haired one. She looked at me too, and smiled. It’s a rule for actors to smile and show intention when you meet a gaze on the training ground. I met eyes with Yoon Jeonghan, that same fake grin.

“I brought these yoga blocks because we’re doing pairs today!” Charles announced once warming up was over. He opened the bag and took one in his hands. “Pick a partner right away please.”

I looked to my right and Tucker had tied arms with Kavya. I naively thought that maybe the blonde Italian girl whom I had just met eyes with would pair with me, so I walked towards them but then… Yoon Jeonghan interrupted the way.

“Should we be partners?”

We followed Charles’ instructions and stood in front of each other with enough closeness and distance. Between my right hand and his right we held the yoga block between us.

“Let’s just keep it at the center a bit,” Charles continued “We’re not grabbing the block, just keeping it in place with a light pressure… Now, whenever you feel like it, any of you can move your hand either up or down, or to any side, just make sure to be gentle and to think of your partner in front of you. Okay? Let’s go for it slowly.”

Our block was light pink and had rough edges signaling it had been used before, my hand was at the bottom, holding the gentle weight Jeonghan put on it through light pressure. Neither of us made a move for a while.

Jeonghan, “You need to look at me, hyung.”

I did so. “You said you wouldn’t tell anyone about…” I moved my hand down slightly and the block fell, Jeonghan giggled. “About my things.”

“And I haven’t, have I? Here hold this.” He gave me the yoga block again. We held it in place.

“What was that about then? You were implying things about my background.”

“I wasn’t, I was genuinely curious!” Jeonghan moved his hand up abruptly and the block fell again. I squatted to grab it and put it back in place. “The problem is, hyung, you’re not looking at me.”

I looked at him. “I am.”

“You think you are but you’re just making me up in your head. You have never asked me a real question…”

Charles walked by us and whispered. “Maybe let’s focus on the block instead?” Jeonghan smiled at him and nodded for the both of us.

Charles kept himself standing beside us, crossed arms supervising the exercise but we didn’t dare moving. I looked at Jeonghan again and he looked too until his eyes dropped to the block and then to his hand and then to the pair of actors next to us.

“Look at each other, guys” Charles instructed and we did.

Jeonghan had a mole in the middle of his right cheek, parallel to his pupil. His eyes were very round, we could say he had a bunny face but he had probably been told this a lot, I grinned, and he smiled. He pushed the block down softly and I felt the light pressure fall onto my hand so I followed and allowed the block to move. We both looked at the space between us where the pink block moved as if it had its own wings. Charles left us to continue and when Jeonghan’s eyes shifted to me, mine shifted to his.

We did some dance movements and clownery that I hardly could allow myself to perform if not because everyone else was doing the same, Charles called us back a few minutes into a mimic an animal while dancing-exercise.

“That was lovely! Wasn’t it lovely coming outside for a change? I’m seeing you are all much more comfortable with each other so claps to all of you! Well this is our last free movement class, as you might know. Now that the prince of Denmark has unveiled himself to us, we have a new schedule, this will be sent to you through your emails so please keep an eye on that. What else is there to say? Uh… Yes! The weekend! This will be your first weekend at the dorms. I know we all know this, we’re all adults but it’s always good to remember that this place is not our own, we are visitors and… you guys know what I mean, let’s respect our spaces, our times, all of that. Starting on Monday, 8 am sharp, we’ve got auditions. You’ll be called in alphabetical order. I advise you guys to prepare more than one character. I know some of you are very desperate to get the leads, but let’s not forget there’s a high chance you’ll be getting two or maybe up to three characters for this play, that’ll depend on Amelia’s benevolence.”

Nobody wanted to play three characters, maybe Pedro and the Turkish guy were the most confident about it, and even smiled at Charles’ suggestion.

“I’m screwed, I’m not getting Horatio.” Tucker said later while we sat down at The Green Room.

“What? But you were so confident just now?” Kavya.

“Matthew is auditioning for Horatio too.” Matthew was the other American guy, “He’s only specifically going for Horatio, I heard him say it. I’m not doing it.”

“Everyone’s going for Hamlet, everyone! but I’m still going for it.” Kavya said, proudly. Sometimes we all believed she could actually get it only out of her confident determination.

“It’s not the same, you’re innovating.” Tucker. “Girls are either going for Ophelia or Queen Gertrude… Maybe I should settle for Laertes, are any of you guys auditioning for Laertes?”

“Maybe I will.” Jeonghan said, sipping his coffee. We had both taken an iced latte. “So you have to go for Horatio.”

Tucker sighed. “Should I just do Rosencrantz? They’re making these play two other characters, right?” We all nodded.

We left together to go back to the dorms and Kavya, the youngest of the four, tried to tempt us into going out to London for drinks with the others.

“Everyone’s going!” Kavya said “Carla Bruni invited me, she’s actually nice, you know? And I really want to talk to the shorter girl? She’s so shy, I think her name is Giulia.”

“That will be so fucking intimidating” Tucker stressed “I’m in.”

“I can’t go,” I excused myself. “I need to make some calls back to Korea and sort out my audition.”

“Come on, Choi.” Tucker tried, “We all need to sort out our auditions, look at me! I’m a mess.”

“I really need to call my mother, I’ve been delaying it for too long.”

They accepted it with fake sad faces but regained joy when I promised to go next time.

“I’m going to pass too.” Jeonghan cautiously announced. “I haven’t called home all week, and they haven’t called me either so I’m kind of worried…”

“Guys… a phone call takes you three minutes…” Kavya laughed. “You can do it on the way there… But okay, if you guys want to stay in and maybe use that time to sort out that fight you almost had this morning…”

“What fight? We weren’t fighting.” Me.

Jeonghan, “I have a very large family and what if I want to call my partner?”

“You said you weren’t dating anyone, Han.” Kavya reminded him. “Whatever, both of you are not going, confirmed?”

We both went “Confirmed”.

We made it to the university building and bid our goodbyes to the two of them as they joined Matthew and Bea (the other two Americans) on their way out to catch an Uber, most likely.

“So… you’re waking up your mother at 3 am so she can take your call?…” Jeonghan teased.

“Don’t look at me like that, what about you?”

“Oh my family likes staying up late on the weekends” he smiled. “Really, I’m glad we’re staying in.”

“I really need to make a call…” was a code for I need to be on my phone and see what people have been saying.

“Are you waiting for her to wake up? It’s still dawn…”

“Yeah… and I’ll try to figure out a plan for my audition while I wait so… see you around.”

I walked towards the dorm building as if I didn’t care that he was following me. His room was on the same floor as mine, we walked upstairs.

“You should go for Hamlet.” He said.

“Haha.”

“I’m serious. I think you can do it. Try it, do the to be or not to be soliloquy."

I turned around. His round eyes expectant, bunny like.

“I’ll audition for Claudius and The Ghost…” I revealed. “I’m the older one so it’s obvious they’ll put me onto one of them regardless.”

We reached the third floor and I waited for him to walk before me. I wanted to keep my room in secrecy from the rest.

“If you go for Hamlet, I’ll take Horatio.”

I looked at him, he had stopped by his door. It was three doors away from mine.

I spoke. “Tucker is going for Horatio.”

He grinned and nodded, opened his door and as one would say goodnight he said: “I am more an antique Roman than a Dane.”

Chapter Text

They had sent the updated schedule. I sat down on my bed and went through it. Auditions would take all Monday morning and the final cast would be up on Tuesday after Amelia’s Act I class. Rehearsals would start that same Tuesday only for Hamlet and Laertes, and they would use all day in that.
Going for Hamlet was insane. I wasn’t going to do it. And Jeonghan wasn’t going to audition for Horatio either. He was a jokester. He liked lying, I had already seen through him.
Besides checking on my email I went into social media and an obscene amount of news outlets. I typed my mother’s name up on Korean Twitter and it showed. The clear version of the pictures at Daegu’s Marriot. The comments were various, all poisonous and thorn covered, many pointed out the same: “How does she have no shame to date her dead husband’s brother?”

My mother had been weak. I am sure of it. I can’t and never will shake off the day we stood together outside of my father’s hospital room, both numb and with our soles pinned to the ground. All of the tears she had cried and how she would tell me of all the dreams and nightmares that followed. Her telling me that she was afraid my father would leave her and me having to tell her he was already gone, once or twice every week until the thoughts dissipated. It wasn’t her fault. It had been that man corrupting her. My uncle.

I checked on all of the more reliable sources. Brushed against this and that news site, against these alarming headlines and mock up pictures of my once happily married parents and the face of my uncle, that disgusting being, in the middle. This was what Korean netizens had named “The Choi family’s tragedy.” A tragedy.

I turned my phone off, repulsed by the thought of looking up my own name on Twitter.

I opened my eyes the next day. The morning had passed while I slept and my first thought upon sitting was that I hadn’t prepared for my audition.
I felt sick to my stomach at the sight of any character’s names. Perhaps I would stick to playing a soldier. Or Polonius, few of us would be old enough to embody Polonius. I was both thankful that I was away from Korea having to make such a trivial decision, and enraged by the veils that distance put.
Last Friday Morning Tucker had briefly sang Polonius’ advice to his son: Give thy thoughts no tongue. I thought it would be best to prepare the whole scene in case I had many more minutes than imagined. And I would ignore Charles’ advice of preparing more than one character. One was enough.

I saw the kids on Sunday, they were all having brunch on the first floor, spread around two tables. Pedro, Carla Bruni, Matthew and the Turkish guy in one, Tucker, Kavya, Jeonghan and the short blonde Italian girl in another. I decided to go back to my room, seeing that the only space for me would be in the Carla Bruni table, but Tucker had already seen me and yelled “Choi!” which forced me to walk to them.

“Hey! We haven’t seen you since Friday! No one had your phone number, we wanted to call you.” Tucker.

“It’s fine” I eased him. “I was too busy with my stuff anyways. How was Friday night?”

“Notice someone missing?” Kavya said, eyes glistering. “Bea got food poisoning.”

“No, no.” Carla Bruni joined from the other table. “She’s hungover, mega hungover!”

“Wow” Me.

“Sit with us!” Tucker suggested. “Have you eaten yet?”

“I had breakfast not long ago…” I lied, I hadn’t eaten since Saturday’s lunch. “I was just coming to see if everyone’s alright.”

Accidentally, I met eyes with Jeonghan, who looked as naive as he always made himself out to be. He half smiled as if he didn’t know what had kept me locked in my room. I drifted from him and to the Italian girl beside him. Of course he owned a phone, and had internet access and who knows how many friends back in our country telling him the news.

"Aww. We're perfect! Thanks for being so thoughtful.” Kavya. “Oh by the way, Giulia here… she’s really nice.”

I went back upstairs, ashamed of my inability to get myself something to eat. Soon I heard the steps click behind me. It was Jeonghan handing me a piece of bread with undoubted pity.

“Here. You look skinny.” and he ran downstairs as would Illyria’s Olivia or any other damsel.

I spent the majority of my Sunday staring at my phone, at the device. Such an insignificant pile of wires and lights, glasses and plastics and yet so capable of holding the entire world, of connecting me with my mother and her thoughts, if that I wanted.
I had printed my scene and went over it again.
Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but, being in,
Bear ‘t that th’ opposed may beware of thee.
I was trying, for now, to be behind Polonius’ advice. To be the perfect Laertes and still and capable and faithful to a man’s own sense.

5 to 8 am on Monday came sooner than I wanted, and still doubtful of whether I was fully into Polonius or still allowing Laertes’ spirit to come through, I stepped into the hallway where the others waited. All of them in clothes as neutral as possible, Jeonghan in particular in a full light grey set and hair tied back as if it helped him concentrate better. He waved at me to join them.

Tucker welcomed me. “Choi! You’re here, finally. I’m hyperventilating, I feel like I won’t be able to do it… I won’t.”

I asked. “Who did you decide on?”

“Horatio and Laertes… Fuck, no, Claudius and Horatio… I might do Laertes if needed.”

“Matt is also going for Laertes.” Kavya whispered. “Who did you choose?”

Jeonghan looked at me attentive, bit his lower lip and waited.

“Polonius…” I looked back at him, Jeonghan wasn’t surprised, he might have even winked at me but I preferred to ignore him.

“We’re going in alphabetical order so Kavya is going first.” Tucker pointed to her. “Fuck, Kay you’re going first.”

“I know! Stop trying to make us feel anxious. I am well and ready.”

“You only prepared for Hamlet?” Jeonghan asked her.

“Yes… I said I’d go all or nothing, didn't I?” She stated but her syllables wavered.

The door to Amelia’s classroom opened and Charles came out with a stoic warm smile. He greeted us all and called Kavya in. She was the younger of us all so everyone gave her sympathetic looks as if we were watching a cow happily walk her way to the slaughterhouse.

Some naturally sat on the ground and some others, like me, leaned against the walls.

“Fuck.” Tucker started. “She’s been there for ten minutes.”

“Calma, Tucker.” Valentina, also Tina and formerly Carla Bruni tried to calm him down. “It’s only been five at most.”

“They’ll give us ten minutes max.” Pedro joined. “I asked Charles before they went into the room.”

That was enough time.

“That’s not enough.” Tucker objected. “I prepared three characters.”

“I’m sure you’ll be fine!” Jeonghan reassured.

Tina. “Yes, if you only do something about the sweating. Where do you think the rest are? They're not coming yet.”

Pedro. “Emir is next and he hasn’t replied to my texts.” He was talking about Turkish guy.

Tucker. “Theyre just gonna skip him and go to the next. I’m screwed.”

“Your last name is Reed.” Jeonghan laughed. “You’re past the middle of us. Seungcheol Choi would be next.”

“No. Me. Valentina Bianchi, I go next. But I’m ready, piano.”

As if on cue, Emir came running through the hallway and squatted to catch his air once he reached us. “I didn’t miss it, right?” He asked.

When the door opened, Kavya came out abstracted. It was as if we hadn’t seen her for months. She smiled lightly and drugged like. Tucker moved to question her, but she just smiled at him and offered a shush accompanied by a “I just feel so relaxed.”

Emir went in and out in less than the recommended ten minutes. He frowned and held the door open for Tina who stretched lightly before going in.

I wondered if she would go for Ophelia, as Kavya had thought, or if Giulia would. I thought to myself about which one I would want to have as on stage daughter, and I looked down at Tucker, biting his thumb, unable to portray the sword armed Laertes. It wasn’t certain that Polonius would be mine, but I also didn’t feel like it could be any different.

When Tina came out, with a teary eyed smile and a sigh, Matthew and Beatrice were still nowhere to be seen.

“They all look disappointed when they come out.” Tucker whispered to me. “What is going on in there?”

I shrugged, crossed my arms and leaned deeper into the coldness of the greying wall. I was next so I repeated a mantra with closed eyes: I am Polonius advising his son, I am Polonius advising his son. I am Polonius.

“Choi!” Tucker called, they were all staring at me. “Your turn!”

I scanned the open door and watched as Matthew and Beatrice finally showed up. While I took my steps into the room, I heard Jeonghan speak in Korean with exclusivity: “Fighting, Hyung!”

Charles and Amelia sat in the front row of the galleries, right in the middle. I peeked to my side, maybe to make sure that the door was closed.

“Good morning.” I said.

“Good morning.” They replied at the same time before Charles took the lead. “Which characters did you prepare for us today?”

“Polonius.”

“And..?” He waited.

“That’s it.”

Amelia raised her eyebrows, I’m not sure if the gesture was meant in a good or bad way but after scribbling something down —The name of Polonius beside mine, I presumed— she leaned back, arms crossed over her torso and let Charles do the rest.

“Okay, good. Daring. Do you need help? Did you prepare a scene?”

“Uhm… Act I scene 3.”

He played a neutral Laertes to give me my cue to enter scene. I started off with confidence and pride in my stance, as my father had once taught me.

“Yet here, Laertes? Aboard, aboard, for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stayed for. There, my blessing with
thee.”

My father always corrected my pacing and held me down by the shoulders whenever I needed to speak a monologue or speech. Almost obsessively so. Imagine you’re pinned down, he said, don’t you fucking move, if you step to one side and the other more than three times you’re screwed, you’re no better than a cheap clown.

“Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel,
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatched, unfledged courage. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but, being in,
Bear 't that th' opposèd may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice.
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.”

My father was strict but noble, and he was always right, even through my denials. In my last year of high school he had advised me to find a career that I truly liked. I had said it was performing and he had insisted, to the last day of applications, to look beyond. Every day he’d ask: remember how much you liked maths? Or: Don’t people tell you that you would make a handsome doctor? And so I wondered, if Amelia, hostile and meticulous as she was, could sense that in me.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell. My blessing season this in thee.”

I broke character but as soon as I was going to shift my weight a fourth time, Charles spoke again.

“Most humbly do I take my leave, my lord.”

“The time invests you. Go, your servants tend.” I continued.

He went on “Farewell, Ophelia, and remember well
What I have said to you.”

On the side, Amelia changed dispositions, untucked her arms and said “Locked in my memory. And you keep the key of it.” As nonchalantly as one tells a friend about their morning.

Laertes bid his last farewell and I was theoretically left alone with Amelia’s Ophelia. The air could crack at my any movement but she waited steady and with disposition.

“What is ‘t Ophelia, he hath said to you?” I started.

“Do you want to continue?” she asked genuine. “You don’t want to try a different character?”

“I only prepared for Polonius, I think I am the only one that could do it…”

“Why is that?” she smirked and leaned back again, challenging.

“I’m not saying… Everyone is great, I’m just assuming because of.. My age.”

“Wouldn’t that give you Claudius too?”

“I didn’t want Claudius.”

“Why Polonius?”

I looked at Charles as if he could say something for me. I felt pathetic but continued my defense.

“I think he has a solid sense of sanity… Or some more control of himself, of… of the situations.”

“You think?” she smirked with arrogance, no other way to call it. “I mean, he is, clearly, the fool. Is that the character that you want to play at the globe in a few months?”

I looked at Charles again, lips flat in something trying to resemble a smile. I wanted to shrug.

“Someone has got to do it.”

They didn’t move at first but when Amelia sighed out, Charles nodded and I thought they were ready to dismiss it. Charles eyed me clearly trying to say I told you with his eyes.

“You can leave if that’s all, Seungcheol.” Charles instructed but I was quickly stopped by Amelia.

“Why not Hamlet?”

I frowned. “What?”

“Age aside… Why not try Hamlet at all?” it was as if her and Yoon Jeonghan had colluded. “Give it a go.”

“I did not prepare any of it, I didn’t even think of…”

“He said something about Lord Hamlet.” She said clear in her performer voice. It took me a while to connect the fact that this was a cue, but I followed.
“Marry, well bethought.” I went on. “...I must tell you
You do not understand yourself so clearly
As it behooves my daughter and your honor.
What is between you? Give me up the truth.”

“Dad, he’s been very nice and affectionate to me.”

“Affection. You speak like a green girl…-”

She cut me. “Listen to me, listen to what I am saying. To my register. Go again. Dad, he’s been very nice and affectionate to me.”

“Affectionate? You speak like a green girl…-”

“Like a what?”

“Naive. You’re naive. Do you really believe he’s “nice” as you call it?”

“I don’t know, yes, what else should I think? He said he loves me and he acts accordingly, he’s shown me every time we meet.”

I got lost for a second, confused as to how she had shrunk all her lines and mine in a second without even blinking to think about it.

“Look…” I inhaled to make sense of the speech, I looked down at my hands as if I had the lines in them. “Guys will say a lot of things when they see a girl like you… That will be gone in a second. They’ll make promises and say things that they won’t mean in the end. You have to show him that you deserve respect. Don’t go looking for him just because he wants you to. Hamlet… He’s young, he’s free and curious. So stop. I don’t want you thinking about this kid anymore. Understand?”

Amelia smiled, a bit less arrogant, I thought. And with her gesture, Charles followed.

“Thank you, Seungcheol.” She said. “You can leave now.”