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Percy had always hated his birthday. As a kid, his mom was typically working on his birthday and Smelly Gabe definitely wasn’t going to do anything for it. That meant he usually spent it alone. He never had a cake, a party, or many gifts. His mom would usually get him some candy from her store and try to get him something with whatever money she could spare. But it was never a happy day for Percy. It was more a reminder of how lonely he felt.
Every year, he was always surprised to find he survived. As a kid, he always assumed that Gabe would kill him sooner or later. As he got a little older, he assumed he would do something to himself. Then there was the prophecy, of course. Overall, Percy was never very excited about his birthday.
“Do you have any idea what this crazy lady is talking about?” The boy sitting across from Percy asked him, leaning over the table to whisper about their professor. Percy desperately searched his brain to try and remember the guy’s name. Chris? Robert? Tom? Now he was just naming Marvel actors.
“No clue, man. I’ve just been doodling this entire time.” Percy whispered back, trying for a smile.
“Really? Dude, I totally thought you were taking notes.” The boy—Ethan, that was his name—pulled Percy’s notebook to the opposite side of the table so he could look at the sketches, featuring both a duck wearing a sombrero and a t-rex on a skateboard, along with a few notes. Percy blushed, and thought about reaching across and taking it back, but he didn’t want the guy to get offended. “Okay, how does your handwriting literally look like a font?”
“Uh, I just have practice, I guess?” Percy said, trying not to remember Silena spending hours upon hours forcing him to write random sentences in glittery blue pen. Just because you’re dyslexic doesn’t mean your handwriting can be illegible.
“Nice, dude.” Ethan handed the notebook back. The boys both looked up as the professor cleared her throat. She looked at them pointedly, then glanced at the clock on the wall.
“Well, that can be the end of today’s lecture. Reminder: we will not be having class next week as I will be in Italy for my son’s wedding.” She continued on talking as the class packed up their things and quickly left the room.
Ethan smiled and looked at Percy. “Hey, what are you doing right now? I was wondering if you wanted to maybe grab some coffee? We can continue discussing the fucked up American school system?”
“I would absolutely love to but I have to get back to my apartment soon, so not too long. My girlfriend is planning this big surprise party for my birthday.” Percy tried not to think about how little he wanted to go. He pushed down the feeling, Annabeth enjoyed throwing parties for him, so he always tried not to complain or look unhappy.
“It’s your birthday?! Today?! And you came to class?! This just means I have to take you out for coffee now!” Ethan smiled at him and pulled him over to a nearby coffee cart. “Wait, if it’s a surprise party, why do you know about it?”
“My friends aren’t the best at subtlety.” Percy laughed and ordered a latte with almond milk, no sugar, and four shots of espresso. Annabeth always made fun of him for his coffee order, she said it was like he was a mix between a high school girl and the single dad of a toddler.
Ethan grabbed his hand as Percy started reaching for his wallet. “It’s your birthday, dude, I’m paying for your coffee.”
Percy sighed and put his wallet away.
“Okay, so, how do we think about Erickson’s whole psychosocial shit ’cause I personally think—wait. You said ‘girlfriend’ earlier.”
“Yeah, I did?” Percy said, readjusting his bag on his shoulder at the look on Ethan’s face.
“Oh. Um. Okay.” Ethan looked at his shoes, face looking oddly disappointed.
Percy was confused. He thought about why Ethan would have a problem with Percy’s girlfriend. That didn’t have anything to do with Percy’s take on child development.
“Everything okay?” Percy asked, studying Ethan’s face and rolling over the conversation in his mind, trying to figure out what he said that made Ethan disappointed.
“Yeah. Yeah, of course, man.” Ethan’s smile was a little shaky as he looked back up.
The barista called out their names and Percy was a little glad for the excuse to look away. He felt guilty, but he wasn’t completely sure why. That seemed to be a constant these days. He was either angry or guilty or numb. Sometimes he was happy, but that feeling usually quickly faded into something more like bitterness.
The next time Percy looked at Ethan, he had bounced back, and the two discussed arbitrary topics of education and politics for the next few minutes, until Percy decided he shouldn’t keep Annabeth and his friends waiting any longer. He was being selfish and immature.
Ethan walked with him until he had to leave for his own dorms. The other man’s demeanor had changed slightly, but it wasn’t unfriendly or unwelcoming, just different. Percy couldn’t place his finger on it.
The rest of the walk felt exhausting, and Percy was dreading the upcoming party. His mom usually threw parties for Percy’s birthday, well, since he was fourteen. Annabeth had apparently taken up the newly started tradition, despite Percy’s subtle complaints.
Percy had actually heard about the party from Frank. The guy wasn’t the best with secrets, he was prone to Freudian slips. Percy appreciated it, though, he hates surprises.
Eventually, Percy got to his apartment. He took a deep breath, steeling himself before he put the key in the door and opened it to a suspiciously silent apartment.
As he closed the door behind him, the lights flicked on, his friends jumping out from various hiding spots and yelling ‘SURPRISE’ at a volume that made Percy want to burrow into the ground.
“Holy fucking shit,” Percy threw himself back againts the door, hiding his face in his hands and trying for a surprised laugh.
“Hey, Seaweed Brain!” Annabeth popped up next to him and kissed his cheek. “Happy birthday!!” She handed him a party hat with a seahorse on it.
Percy smiled at the joy in her eyes, ignoring how exhausted he already felt. He took the hat and put it on. “You planned this?” He asked as if he didn’t already know the answer.
“Yep!” Annabeth smiled proudly, grasping his hand and leading him to the couch. “We have cookies! And cupcakes, and ice cream, and I have a few board games that I figured we could play while we watched some movies! I brought over a few DVDs I took from my dad’s house. All your favorites!”
“Wow!” Percy said, overwhelmed and vaguely wondering how long everyone was going to be staying. He had a paper due in the following days, and he had felt feverish and exhausted all day, even though it was only one o’clock.
Grover sat down on Percy’s other side, holding out a plate of cookies, to which Percy took two.
“I also ordered some Mexican food, Chinese takeout, and some fried chicken and mac and cheese. Just in case you wanted choices.” Annabeth looked at him expectantly with no small amount of pride in her eyes.
“It’s amazing, Annabeth, really. Thank you so much. God, I can’t believe you guys did all this!” Percy fiddled with the hem of his t-shirt, looking anxiously at everyone in the apartment. Hazel and Frank were sitting on a loveseat next to the couch, sorting some gift bags (that Percy was not thrilled about opening.) Grover and Annabeth were on either side of Percy. Nico was also in the kitchen, but Percy expected he wouldn’t stay long. Percy was glad Annabeth had kept it smaller, he wasn’t sure he would make it if he had to entertain even more people.
Grover started up a movie, and they all gathered around the dining table to play Ticket-to-Ride, which was Annabeth’s favorite board game. Different takeout containers and cupcakes and soda were scattered around the table, giving Percy a tiny heart attack every time someone almost knocked one over.
Nico left after the first board game, saying something about Will and Sally and having school the next day. Percy just barely caught him before he left.
“Hey, Nico.” Percy said, closing the apartment door softly behind him so they were standing in the hall.
“Hey, Percy.” Nico looked slightly awkward but didn’t make a break for it so Percy figured he wasn’t too annoyed. “Happy birthday.”
“Yeah, thanks. And thanks for coming!” Percy inwardly scolded himself as he struggled to find words. He was the one who had followed Nico out into the hall but he couldn’t even find anything to say to the guy? Gods, he was pathetic.
“Yeah, Annabeth’s a very persuasive person when she wants to be.” Nico looked at the shadows in the corner, obviously uncomfortable.
“That she does.” Percy laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, I just wanted to say thanks for coming. And tell Will I say hi.”
“I will.” Nico nodded.
Percy went to go back inside, but Nico spoke before he could open the door.
“Hey, we are good, Percy. There doesn’t have to be any bad blood between us. I don’t hate you.”
That doesn’t mean you like me, though. Percy thought waspishly.
Nico stared at Percy with eyes that seemed a little too understanding, Percy wanted to run and hide. He didn’t want people to understand him, to see him the way he saw himself. He already knew it was only a matter of time before they all realized what a failure he was and left him, they didn’t need to see what a monster he was, too.
“Yeah. Yeah, I know. Be safe on your trip back.” Percy wanted to ask the younger boy to text him when he got there, but didn’t want to overstep. Nico didn’t need Percy babying him.
Nico started to reply but Percy slipped back into the apartment before he could get a word out.
An hour and a half later brought Percy hiding in his own bathroom, staring at the wall as he desperately tried (and failed) to get his breathing under control. His body was numb, his vision blurry, his chest tight. With all-too-shaky hands for a war veteran, he tried to press his fingers to his wrist and find his pulse. It was beating too fast. He couldn’t move, couldn’t think, he couldn’t breathe. God, he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t breathe he couldn’tbreathehecouldn’tbreatheheneededtobreathewhycouldn’thebreathe—
“Percy, are you okay in there?” Hazel’s concerned voice sounded through the locked bathroom door.
Percy sucked in a breath desperately, slightly stuttering as he forced the words out in a tone he hoped wasn’t too watery or breathless, “Y-yeah, I’m f-fine. Sorry, I’ll be out in a second.”
“...You sure?”
“Percy? Percy, please let me in.” Silena’s voice was calm, but Percy could hear the concern and desperation even in his broken state.
He couldn’t see, he felt like he was floating outside of his body, watching helplessly as his heart eventually beat out of his chest and he would die. It hurt, gods, it hurt. He couldn’t think about anything. His breaths were too shallow, his whole body was numb. He felt disconnected from everything. Even the sharp pain in his chest and the constant aching in his head felt like it was from another place, another version of him. Was this what dying felt like?
Silena knocked again. “Percy? Percy?! Charlie, he won’t respond.”
Tears flooded down Percy’s cheeks, unnoticed by him as he gripped his chest through his sweatshirt. His legs were bouncing furiously up and down and his hands were shaking like November leaves in the wind. Why couldn’t he get this under control? He was supposed to have this under control. Everyone else could handle it, and they expected him to handle it too.
His hands gripped his hair tightly, the pain not helping to ground him. He couldn’t be doing this. Everyone was looking at him, everyone was waiting for him to break. He couldn’t do this, he needed to be strong. He needed to listen to his head. He needed to man up and get it under control. God, why did it hurt so much ?
Beckendorf opened the door with a bang that went unheard by Percy, too caught up in his own hyperventilating that was slowly causing his vision to go black.
Beckendorf grabbed his hands, pulling them to his own chest, forcing Percy to feel the older boy’s heartbeat. “Perce, it’s okay. We’re here, it’s okay. You can breathe, please, just take a breath, Percy.”
It wasn’t working, why wasn’t it working, why coudldn’t he just fucking breathe?! His vision was going black, he couldn’t hear anything. This was it. He was dying. He was gonna die.
“Percy.” Hazel’s knocking was more insistent this time. “Percy, what’s happening in there?”
Grover’s voice came from outside the door, too. “What’s wrong, Hazel?”
“I think something’s wrong with Percy. He won’t respond to me.”
“No, no, nothing’s wrong.” Percy forced out, ignoring how his tongue moved sluggishly in his mouth. “Like I said, I’ll be out in a second. I just need to wash my hands.”
Percy pushed himself up, almost falling over as he got a head rush.
“Percy.” Grover sighed, jiggling the door handle. “Perce, please let me in?”
Percy turned on the faucet rather than replying. His hands were still shaky as he splashed water on his face, willing it to cool his face and hopefully bring down the puffiness around his eyes.
“I’m fine, G-Man. Really.” Percy silently thanked whoever was listening that his voice came out stronger that time. He turned the faucet off and dried his hands, taking a deep breath before opening the door.
Thankfully, Hazel wasn’t standing there anymore but Grover was looking at him knowingly and with enough worry that Percy immediately felt ashamed.
“I’m fine,” Percy obviously lied through his teeth.
“Then what was happening in there?” Grover pressed, his voice was firm but not unkind.
“Indigestion.” Percy said dryly and stepped past, walking through his bedroom and back into the main room.
“Percy.” Grover followed, sighing, not in annoyance but almost in grief.
“Hey, Seaweed Brain!” Annabeth said. “We were thinking about bringing out the cake soon!”
“Cake? But we already had cupcakes,” Percy laughed, stomach churning at the thought of more food.
“It’s your birthday! Why not have both?” Annabeth pointed him to a chair so she could deal him into Uno.
“You okay, Perce?” Frank asked, staring at Percy’s still shaky hands.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Really, ‘cause you kind of look like you’re about to jump off a cliff.” Hazel said flatly.
Annabeth snorted and said, “That’s just his normal resting face, Hazel.”
“Hey! I mean, I wanna be fine, life’s just not letting me.” Percy said sarcastically, hoping nobody would pick up on the truth in his statement.
Grover was still looking at Percy as he sat down next to him, silently willing Percy to look at him. Percy ignored him.
“Are we playing crazy Uno or regular?” He asked, forcing his voice to come out normal.
“Normal? And then we can work up to crazy.” Annabeth said.
“Yeah, that sounds good.” Frank placed a card down.
Percy ended up winning the first round, and the second, and the third. Eventually, they all gave up and brought out the cake.
Annabeth pushed Percy into a chair and turned off the lights, the candles illuminating Percy’s apartment as the party crowded around him to sing Happy Birthday.
Out of all the things that happened on Percy’s birthday, this was by far his least favorite. He absolutely loathed this part. Aside from the fact that everyone surrounded him and sang to him in candlelight like they were sacrificing him to some cult, he had absolutely no clue what he was supposed to do. He just had to sit there and smile and pretend like he wasn’t completely miserable.
The cake was good though. It was double chocolate. Percy had three pieces and had to act as if he wasn’t disgusted with himself.
Annabeth laughed as she wiped around his mouth with a napkin. “How do you always manage to get your face dirty when you eat chocolate? You have no problem with anything else but chocolate.”
“I’m a man of many talents,” Percy responded, licking the side of his mouth.
“And clearly, eating chocolate isn’t one of them.” Annabeth said as she led him to the couch. “Should we watch Meet The Robinsons or The Parent Trap ?”
“Either sounds good to me.”
They landed on The Parent Trap and Percy ended up falling asleep within the first thirty minutes of the movie. His dreams were full of half-formed, inconstant flashes of death. All Percy could see was the faces. The faces of hundreds of other demigods, of other children , lying blank and emotionless in the street. Blood was caked onto their bodies so heavily they looked red. The same blood that was stained onto Percy’s hands.
It was his fault. It was his fault. It was his fault it was his fault itwashisfaultitwashisfaultitwashisfault.
When he jolted awake, the clock said it was half past two in the morning. Annabeth was asleep next to him, Hazel was asleep in a chair to the right of the couch, and Frank was sprawled on the floor in between the couch and the coffee table. Grover was right next to Percy, half leaning against him and half falling off the couch. Percy sighed and gripped his hair to try and calm his racing heart.
The floorboards creaked slightly as he padded over to the kitchen, filling a glass with water. His chest filled with a melancholy loneliness, so deep it seemed to poison his blood and seep through his bones, intertwining itself with his very being. He had no reason to feel this way. His friends were all scattered in his living room, safe and sound and happy. Why wasn’t he happy for them? They deserved for him to be happy for them.
Percy often wished he could have a different life. He wished he could have changed how his life affected others. He wished he could go back in time and try harder. He wished he could save more people, if he was just a little faster or a little stronger or a little better . He wished he could give people what they deserved. He wished his life hadn’t ruined his mother’s. He wished his life wasn’t the reason so many people died. He wished his life wasn’t his. Most of all, he wished, oh, how he wished , that life had never been given to him. He didn’t want it. He didn’t want the pain and the suffering and struggle. He didn’t want the responsibility and the expectations and the pressure.
But he couldn’t take his life away. He wouldn’t do that to everyone else. He shouldn’t leave them to grieve. He could only wish that he had never existed in the first place. He could fantasize that he had never been put on Earth. He could dream that he didn’t fail his family and friends and so many others, because they never would have known him. They never would’ve been let down.
Deep down, Percy knew that his brain was poisoning him and feeding him lies. He knew that he was falling into a depressive spiral; that he was getting bad again and he needed to do something about it. But he found that he didn't actually care. His brain kept leading him to this depressive cave, this hole, this abyss. Maybe he needed to accept it. Maybe it was what was meant to be. Maybe this was what the Fates had designed as his punishment. A hell he could never escape from, because no one could escape themselves. Nobody could escape from their thoughts, from their own brain. They could distract themselves for a little bit. They could drink or smoke or fuck or do whatever they wanted to make the thoughts go away. But at the end of the day, their brains would always come back. They would always be forced to accept the thoughts that slowly ate away at their being.
Percy knew this. He knew this better than a lot of people. His thoughts had consumed him a long time ago. Percy sometimes wondered what was even left. A massive body just filled with depression and anger and resentment, nothing more than a rotting corpse to store all these negative emotions? He was just an animal in a trap, waiting for someone to put it out of its misery. It was about time he accepted that.