Chapter Text
The late-night walk home was dark and cold like always. He could feel his arms and legs getting goosebumps as another wave of frosty wind blew, straight in his face. If people were still walking around, at this hour, they would probably laugh at him. His hair had been flying all around, not staying in one place. All the effort he put into styling it in the morning for nothing. His face was scrunching up from the cold, making his whole body shiver.
He should be used to this by now, he has been living like this for a while. Waking up his daughter in the morning, making some quick, easy breakfast, helping her get dressed, bring her to kindergarten and then get to work himself. If it would stay like this, probably everything would be alright. But the thing about his - not so joyful - office job is that he gets back home very late in the evening, just to get more money for him and his daughter. It's cruel, having to teach your 4 year old daughter how to go home by herself, telling her to look careful while crossing a street, showing her how to use a microwave so she could atleast make herself something to eat while he was away till almost 11 pm in the night.
While Jisung finally saw his apartment block in the lights of the few lanterns that were still leading the way in the dark night, he seemed to feel at least a bit happy.
He hated the way he had to stay late at his job, always coming home with dark eyebags, having to watch his little girl sleep alone, sometimes even on their couch near the big window in the living room where she waited for her Papa to arrive home.
He walked into the building, going straight to the elevator because he was in no way able to walk up the stairs at this hour. His body was exhausted.
He reached his floor, making his way to their apartment. As he stood in front of the door, he searched in his bag for the key, finding it after some minutes of searching. He was so exhausted.
Jisung opened the door with a deep sigh, finally feeling that he was home.
As he stepped inside the hallway, his hands searched for the light switch on the wall, finding it after a few tries and turning the light on. His eyes had a hard time settling on the new light, making his vision blurry.
He walked further into the flat, making his way to look for his little girl. He looked in the living room, not seeing her on the couch nor in the kitchen that was attached to the living room. He thought she must be already sleeping, so he went to get for his pyjama and started his night routine.
Look into the mirror.
Belittle himself.
Brush his teeth.
Wash his face.
Take a small shower from the cold sweat that was running down his body.
Put on his sleep clothes.
A routine he did almost every day, just not the shower, because sometimes he was too exhausted for that. And you shouldn't shower every day.
He walked into the room of his daughter, finally seeing her lying in the bed, covered by two blankets, one normal and another fluffy, cozy, with cats printed on it draped over her. Jisung had to chuckle seeing her, she reminded him of himself. He also always had two blankets. "For the comfort", he always told his mother when he was young. He wonders if she still remembers. If she still wants to remember.
Jisung took a few steps to the bed, his little girl stirring and facing him now, slowly opening her eyes.
"..Appa? You're home?" She tiredly asked, her cute little voice almost as exhausted as Jisung's.
"Yes.. I'm.. I'm sorry for coming home late again, Yeona. I had to take another shift.. my colleague had to go home earlier. I'm so sorry, baby." He spoke in a gentle, quiet voice. He sat by the bed now, kneeling down to brush a hair out of his daughter's face, giving her a small kiss on the forehead.
She nodded, slowly. Her eyes looked heavy as they closed again. She drifted back into dreamland.
Jisung adored his little girl some more minutes, looking at her cute, sleeping face. She had chubby cheeks, just like her father. She had soft features, round eyes, pink lips. She was a beautiful girl. His beautiful girl. He would do everything to protect his daughter. His own blood.
His vision started to blur, tears welling up in his tired eyes.
Jisung retreated his hand and quickly wiped his tears away with his sleeve. He then stood up and went for his own bedroom.
It looked — dull. Empty. Alone. Not cozy, not inviting. It was simply a pretty big room with big windows, which were covered by curtains, a king sized bed which was way too big for him alone and a closet. For decoration he had some pictures of him and his daughter, standing on a small night stand next to his bed and a small light in miffy form. It may look childish, but he had to grow up so fast, he wanted something which reminded him that it was okay to be childish sometimes. He was just 23 after all.
He walked on his balcony with a fluffy blanket that he wrapped around him, making him look like a burrito. He sat on a chair which was standing on his balcony and looked up, watching the stars.
He had to grow up fast. As he was 14, his parents divorced, his father moving away, leaving him behind. His mother got depressed, wasn't able to work much anymore and even less to take care of her only son. Jisung learned how to cook simple meals, for him and his mother. He already was able to wash his clothes and the dishes, his mother often asked to help him. It wasn’t that hard, it's just.. it was hard to suddenly do everything on his own. His mother was always one of the most important people in his life, teaching him, showing him how the world works. His father was too, very important. He was one of the best fathers he could've wished for. But he betrayed him and his mother in the end, cheated and left them both behind. It shows how easy it is to trust the wrong people.
He had to see his mother losing everything in her life. She always was more of a minimalist, didn't need much. But seeing her not even be able to care about her most loved things - her son, her garden - it was.. bad. Sad. She got home after work, sometimes to sleep right away, not even eating anything or greeting her son. She was tired. Of everything. So tired she couldn't show her love to anyone anymore.
At one point, Jisung started working on his own, even if it were just small jobs he did to get atleast a bit money, it was better than nothing. When he was 16, he got his mother to a rehabilitation for half a year. She came back home, feeling much better. She still wasn't completely fine, but, better. They lived together happily, she was even able to work more again and cook on her own, and most important, she could even hug her son again. Jisung was never more happy than in this very moment where she engulfed him in a loving hug.
He was able to finish high school, meeting a girl during that time. Hayun. She was a beautiful girl, caring, intelligent, perfect. Well, seemingly.
They got closer, kissed, even. At some point they were a couple, but Jisung noticed weird things.
*** Flashback ***
"I'm going out, babe!"
"What? Where are you going? Are you seeing someone?"
Jisung frowned, she didn't remember it was Saturday? He always - like, really always - went to meet his mother on Saturdays.
"Hayun, it's saturday. I'm going to my Mom's. Like every weekend. Did you forget?"
Hayun crossed her arms, still not satisfied.
"Ofcourse I remember you going out every saturday and coming home late. You know, it's a bit suspicious of you. Why do you even meet Aera every saturday? Didn't you tell me she's better since her rehabilitation? Why do you have to see her every saturday?!" She asked, in a slightly angry voice.
Jisung was stunned. She never got so angry at him before.
"Babe, you know my mom doesn't have it that easy like yours.. just, let me meet her today. We can talk about this later, okay? Please."
"No! You're staying here! I'm always getting left behind by you. You're treating me like shit. You don't even spend your free days with me. Do you even love me, Jisung?!"
The boy looked at her with wide eyes. He felt hurt, to say the least. But did he have the right to feel hurt after - like Hayun said - spending too less time with her? No, right?
"I'm sorry, baby.. "
Slap.
It was a sharp sting across his face.
Did Hayun just.. slap him? That never happened before..
He looked at her with wide, tear filled eyes, before going out the door and closing it after him with a slightly louder thud.
"Ugh, he is always so emotional. Such a crybaby."
ᯓ★ — Later that evening —
"I'm home, Hayun!"
Jisung yelled as he entered the hallway of their small flat. Hayun was standing in the kitchen, still not looking that happy.
"Let's have a talk, Jisung."
He nodded, he wanted to talk it out. They should be mature by now after all.
They talked about how important it is for Jisung to visit his mother, that she still wasn't 'fine' - If anybody could ever be completely fine - and that he can change the day they meet, so they could spend their weekend together as boy and girlfriend.
Hayun was smiling, satisfied. Jisung also smiled at her, happy that they talked about this in a calm way.
Jisung hugged Hayun from behind, she turned around and gave him a kiss. Soon, they were messily making out, and Jisung could feel where this was going to go.
As they were both panting, Hayun grabbed his hand and dragged him to the bedroom, throwing him on the bed and soon straddling his lap.
Jisung felt his stomach churn, but this wasn't their first time. It was okay. He can do it.
Their cloths were slowly getting less and less, the sounds of wet kissing got more and more.
Hayun was taking Jisung's boxers off, as he tried to say something.
"B-babe can we maybe not toda-"
"I know you want this, Sung baby. I'll ride you today, babe~"
She interrupted him and Jisung just gulped. He really didn't want to right now. He really didn't feel like having sex with his girlfriend today. They could just watch a movie and cuddle, but.. Hayung wanted something different.
Like always.
*** Flashback end ***
When they both finished high school, they started to argue more and more. Often, Hayun would show that she's sorry through sex, trying to please Jisung. He never understood why he found it so.. strange. Yeah, it felt.. good. Satisfying, even. But only when he was inside her. He felt bad for thinking that way, but he didn't feel attracted by her body or her voice or moans or anything. Not by the way he touched or kissed her. Not anything from that. But he kept quiet, didn't let it get noticed.
Jisung thought about the times where this repeated. After first he didn't care much, but it got more weird with the time. They started to get into real arguments, Jisung being tired of always having to mention every small detail of what he was planning to do, and Hayun because she didn't want her boyfriend to do things she couldn't control. She needed control. Over everything. That was her problem. And Jisung couldn’t always deal with it.
One time, they fighted pretty bad. She was insulting Jisung. Jisung felt hurt. Hayun noticed after. Hayun made him have sex with her again. She wanted it fast. She didn't take much care of the condom while putting it on. Didn't notice how it ripped when she opened it. Just wanted to satisfy her lover. Jisung didn’t know how to feel. He either, didn't notice anything. He was overwhelmed of how Hayun made him feel. Hurt, then satisfaction. He came. Inside. They only noticed after. Hayun almost screamed. Jisung was scared.
They were only eighteen. Eighteen and Hayun was pregnant, 3 months.
She decided on keeping the baby. As scared and annoyed she was, she wouldn't do abortion. Jisung was thankful. Even if Hayun seemed to get more and more weird, he wanted that baby with his whole heart. And he could've never been able to get over it if Hayun decided on not giving birth. Sure, it was her decision and her body, but he still would have been sad.
So, after 9 months of more and more arguing, of many discussions, of hurt and sadness, their pretty little girl was born. Healthy and happy. With a smile on her lips.
Just like now.
Even though her father was away the whole day and her mother didn't want her. She smiled. She smiled, she helped her dad, she didn't show any signs of unhappiness. Yeona was always happy.
Hayun - as already mentioned - didn't want Yeona. She wasn't able to even call her her daughter. Hayun couldn't love her. She felt as if she wouldn't be able to control her life anymore with the baby around, she wasn't able to go to work, had to stay home. Jisung was always busy, trying to get money. At some point Hayun couldn't take it. She broke up with Jisung, left everything behind, even their daughter. Their beautiful, little girl.
So now, after almost 4 years, Jisung and Yeona were living alone. It was good that she didn't seem to even remember her mother. It sounded cruel, but what would have been better? That she remembered her mother that didn't even want her, or live alone with her father only knowing him? Yeah.
Jisung was able to get enough money from his job. It wasn't his passion - not at all - but it brought much money now. He was able to get a good apartment, great food, nice clothes, and sometimes even extra presents for his daughter. They were alright. Financially.
As the single father laid in bed by now, he had to think about his life.
Tears were slowly flowing down his cheeks. He felt guilty. Guilty for the way his daughter had to stay alone almost the whole day, how he couldn't cook for her the way his mother did, how he was everything - but a perfect father. And this was why he hated himself so much. He hated how he couldn't be there.
As he cried, his eyes started to close. He fell asleep. In the little light that came from all the tall buildings in the city and shined through the closed curtains.
"I will try to be a better father, Yeona."
ᯓ★ — The next morning —
As his alarm woke Jisung up, he couldn't help himself but groan. He hated how he had to wake up so early everyday, but he had to do it. For his daughter, for his job. So, he sat up, went to get his suit and walked to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and washed his face, put on some light make up to cover his eye bags.
He went to the kitchen to make a nice, simple breakfast. Toast with scrambled eggs and a yogurt for Yeona. She loves strawberry yogurt. Just like Jisung. As he was almost done setting the table up, his little daughter walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes and yawning lightly. Her father couldn't but awe seeing her.
"Good morning Princess. Let's eat before I bring you to the kindergarten, alright, love?" He asked in a sweet voice. Yeona nodded, still looking very tired.
She sat on her chair, Jisung being a bit shocked that she could already do that. He sure had missed some things while being away all day.
They ate together, in silence.
Silence? But Yeona always loved to talk to her father?
"Yeona, are you alright?" Jisung questioned, confusion in his voice.
Yeona looked at him, her face not so joyful like it always was.
"Mhm, just.. tired." She said quietly.
Jisung nodded, giving her head a little pat before they both continued on eating their breakfast. After some minutes they both finished and Jisung went with Yeona into her room, helping her put on her clothes.
"What do you want to wear today, hm?"
"Hmm.. I wanna wear my strawberry dress, Appa!" The little girl spoke, seeming more excited finally. That made Jisung somehow calmer.
He searched for the girl's dress in her closet, finding it and helping her put it on. Yeona smiles happily as she wears the dress that was green and red, reminding her of strawberries, so that's why she called it 'strawberry dress'.
Yeona was always more of a creative girl. She always loved to draw, generally creating things. He loved it when her dad read her a book, fantasy books were her favourites. But since her dad had started working till late, he wasn't able to read for his little princess.
"So, it's all done! You look great, darling. You're beautiful. Want me to put some accessories on for you?" He smiled at the girl, getting a even bigger smile back.
He put strawberry-shaped hairclips into her hazelnut coloured hair, a cute armband around her small wrist, and kissed her on the forehead.
"All done! You could go to a catwalk like this!"
Yeona had to chuckle, and Jisung laughed with her.
They then got into Jisung’s car, to which he forgot the keys yesterday due being stressed.
The small family sat into the car, and Jisung played some soft music. They drove to Yeona's kindergarten. As they arrived, Jisung helped his little girl out the car. They walked into the house and Yeona was already waving at her friends.
Jisung said goodbye to her and gave her a small kiss on the forehead, then waving as she was already running away from him. He watched her go with a smile. As he turned around to leave, he met eyes with a mother that almost always brought her son at the same time as him. She looked at him quite disgusted.
"I heard from my son that your daughter said you're her only parent, that you have no wife. And you look so young. Do you even know how to educate a kid?" She asked with clear dislike in her voice. Jisung frowned.
"I'm sorry, yes, I am very young, but I do know how to educate my daughter with love and care. Even if I'm an only dad." He answered her, with a calm voice.
"Is this how you talk to an older person? You're so disrespectful! You do not deserve that kid. Poor little girl.."
Jisung was stunned. He just answered the woman in a respectful tone, not a sign of disrespect towards her, and she just said he didn't deserve his daughter? Straight into his face?
He decided to not react to her words, and just went to take his leave and walked outside, to his car.
As he sat in his comfortable seat, he sighed.
He knew he wasn't a perfect father, but why the hell was that women so mean to him?
He buried his face into his hands, trying to control his frustration. He was trying his best, why did it seem like nobody saw that?
Wasn't he trying enough?
Probably.
He started the car engine and made his way to his workplace. It was an office job, clearly not his passion, and wasn't that far from the kindergarten.
As the day went by, tiredness seemed to take his body over. His eyelids were heavy and as the hours passed, it was getting harder and harder to keep them open. Not even his daily three iced americanos were helping.
Around 5 pm in the afternoon, Jisung sat in his chair, his chin resting on one hand while the other was typing away on his computer. Another email about a release party, another set of poster edits. It never ended.
He didn’t hate the job — it paid well, and his daughter needed that. But if he had a choice, he'd be writing songs in a tiny studio somewhere himself. Not chasing deadlines about someone else’s music.
Slowly his eyes were closing, and he wasn't able to stop them. He fell asleep. In his office. At his job. Great, Jisung.
After an hour or so, a colleague came into the room, and was very surprised to see Mr Han sleeping at his workplace. He stepped closer and shook Jisung by his shoulder, waking him up.
Jisung stirred and opened his eyes, startled and confused.
"H-huh? Wait-, uh I was just resting my eyes, I wasn't sleeping, I swear!" He let out in a scared tone. He really didn't want his colleague to snitch this to his boss and make him lose his job. Oh God, please not.
"Hey, hey, calm down, it's alright. You seem very tired, are you okay?" The slightly bigger man asked. He looked younger than Jisung, maybe a year younger or so?
Jisung nodded, now fully awake.
"Uh, are you new here? I've worked here for a few years already, and I've never seen you here." Jisung asked the brown haired guy.
"I'm Kim Seungmin, but you can just call me Seungmin. I'm probably younger than you so you can just call me by my name. I'm 22." He smiled warmly, and Jisung just couldn't but smile back at him.
"Nice to meet you, Seungmin. I'm Jisung, Han Jisung. And yes, I'm older, I'm 23. But I really don't care about that. You seem like a nice guy. But why did you come here? Do you need anything?"
Seungmin gave a sheepish smile and pulled out his phone.
"Yeah, actually... I was told you wrote the promo copy for Daehyun’s debut single? The newsletter goes out tonight and I was asked to double-check it. But I couldn’t find it in the shared folder."
Jisung blinked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Oh crap. I saved it as a draft and forgot to upload it. One sec, I’ll send it to you."
He sighed and shook his head. Great. Another reason for the boss to be on his back.
He successfully sent Seungmin the draft after some seconds of searching. The younger seemed to read it through, looking quite impressed.
"Wow, Jisung, I really like your text. It sounds great, good job!" He smiled at the elder.
"Thank you, that's very nice. We should get back to work now, though. I hope you have a great evening, Seungmin!"
The taller boy nodded and waved with a smile as he walked out of the office.
Jisung sighed.
He was tired, but atleast he was done with work for the day.
Even though he was very tired today, he worked hard and finished many drafts and texts. He also edited some things from his colleagues, so he was more than done.
He packed away his laptop and other things and was ready to go out and go grocery shopping for the following week.
He bought snacks for him and his daughter, also buying a cute cat plushie he saw, remembering how much his daughter loved cats. He also liked them, but still he was more a dog person. In the end though, he loved every animal equally.
ᯓ★
He walked into his apartment with 2 heavy bags full of groceries. Atleast the 2 hours of the week that he spent in the gym were paying a bit off.
As he placed the bags on the kitchen counter with a huff, Yeona came running in.
"Appa! You're already home!" She exclaimed very happily.
'Already'? It was around 8 pm, clearly too late for a single father with a 4 year old daughter. He felt sick.
"Yes, and Appa brought you a small surprise!" He said in a playful tone as he crouched down to be at the same eye-level as his daughter.
She looked even more excited now.
"What is it? What is it Appa??" She jumped up and down. Jisung couldn't help but chuckle at the excitement of his daughter, forgetting his guilt for now. He deserved some happiness after all, right?
He searched in the bag for the orange cat plush which he bought, and then gave it to his daughter, who was very happy as she saw it.
"It’s a cat!! I love it, Appa!!" She smiled, her cute gummy smile on full display. Oh how much she looked like her dad.
Jisung ruffled her mid-long, dark hair.
"What do you want to name her or him, hm?"
The little girl thought for a moment, before deciding. "Nari! I wanna name her Nari!"
Jisung smiled, liking the name.
"Alright Princess. How about you play for a bit, and I'll cook for us, hm?"
He asked, already starting to empty the bags and take out the ingredients for the dinner.
Yeona nodded and jumped happily into her room, Nari being held tight in her arms.
Jisung started cooking something simple but tasty, being ready after half an hour. The two ate together and Jisung helped Yeona showering and changing for bed right after.
"Can you read something for me, Appa?" She asked, already sounding tired.
"Sure, baby." Jisung started reading from a book he once bought for his daughter. It was a story about a mermaid which found her love in a human boy. Yeona loved mermaids, and was already sound asleep after a few minutes.
Jisung admired her small, chubby but very cute face for some time before giving her a small smooch on her forehead.
After that he left for his own bedroom and made himself bed ready.
As he laid in bed, guilt took his mind over once again. But it was a bit better than the night before. At least he could eat with his daughter today.
He really tried to change.