Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Oops, am I showing up late?” A voice snickered behind her. Looking over her shoulder, the sight of Dick Grayson stole a smile from her lips despite how much time she had spent preparing herself to be mad at him, actually mad. 

Despite herself, Donna stood up and patted the dust off her pants as she walked up to him. “Only for about half an hour.” She pointed out, sharp brows aimed at him as he raised his hands in surrender and she wrapped hers around him in a tight hug he squeezed back.

It had been five years since she had last seen Dick. She had tried to convince herself that her being away from the city wasn’t precisely helping communication, but every time a whisper slipped past her conviction and muttered about how Starfire and the others were as far, if not even more sometimes, and never failed to reply to a letter or a message. It was only him that had gone completely missing on her. On everyone, really.

“Is it cruel of me to say I…Was doubting you’d show up?” She muttered to herself. 

Dick looked down for a second, the smile that came next one he had performed, one he could fall back to when he didn’t find enough in himself to form a genuine one. She knew that smile far too well, and it burned her to think she was the reason of this one’s existence.

“Not really, no. I have kind of earned it.” He admitted with a sigh. Dick invited her to follow him, both sitting back down where she had been waiting, on the edge of an old building’s roof. It was early enough that the city was just starting to come alive. With Dick’s new schedule she had been surprised to meet in plain daylight, but she guessed that was his life now. 

They sat one next to another. Like they would’ve a handful years ago, but somehow it felt odd now. Foreign.

“How have you…?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t text, email, call… Well, anything, in all these years.” He muttered. It must’ve been clogging in the back of his mind, because the moment he said it, he seemed to breathe easier. “It was quite the asshole move of me, Donna. I’m sorry.”

She chewed those words slowly. For years now she had imagined this same conversation, replayed it over and over in her head, each time coming up with something new to say to him, something to throw on his face, something to yell at him. Hearing him apologize tasted way more bitter than she had imagined.

It was hard to decide what she’d say to that. The many years they had shared looking out for each other, leaning into each other, sharing pasts and presents, aiming for the future… It made her want to brush it off and ease the weight that sunk his shoulders, want to do anything as long as it’d bring back that warm smile that had won her over so many years ago. He was family, one that had loved her through all this time despite everything… But had he?

“Where were you?” She ended up asking. A question that held much more to it than it let show, but that one wouldn’t really see it at first. It gave her enough without really meaning much.

“Somewhere awful.” He shook his head. “I wish I could give you more than that, but truth is what breathed, moved and lived under my skin during those years wasn’t really me. It was someone, a shadow that moved when it needed food and passed out when the exhaustion was more tiring than the fear of being alone with my own thoughts.” He shrugged. Donna tried to seek his eyes, but Dick was avoiding her. “I wanted to tell you, wanted to tell Bruce. But at first I wasn’t really myself for the first weeks, then months made it harder to share it when I finally accepted what was happening to me…And the longer I let it sit there rotting inside me, the harder it became to even think of you.”

Dick was now looking ahead, probably at the sky, maybe wondering where the others he yet hadn’t visited were at. If they were okay, if they needed him… If they hated him. It broke her heart to wonder if he’d be afraid she hated him too, twisted the blade to know for a good bit of time, a small part of her had indeed hated him: her brother… Her family.

“We can’t know you’re going through something if you just… Disappear, Dick. You’ve always had this awful habit of trying to deal with everything by yourself quietly, as if asking for help would burden the people you love.” She hadn’t meant to start raising her voice at him, truly hadn’t. But being fair with herself it truly had been years since she had last heard of him from any other place than the newspapers. Donna had even tried contacting Batman, any of the Robins, Starfire, Oracle… None had a single clue of what was going on with Dick Grayson or where he was hiding at… Or why was he hiding from them. “We’re your family, Dick, I’m your family, and if you can’t trust your own family to back you up when you needed, then… Then there’s no reason to be family at all.”

For the first time Richard turned to look at her, a frown deep rooted in his face. “Hey, no, stop. Of course you’re my family!!” He corrected. Dick sighed, frustrated. “Listen I made the wrong call a few times, and it came at a high price,” he explained, voice tired, low. “And it got me in trouble with some people while it also cost me… Bits of myself. I need to insist in this, Donna, I wasn’t myself during that time. I feared coming across my own family because I was afraid that you’d be… Ashamed of me. Disappointed, even.”

She hadn’t been entirely unaware of Dick’s life during the time he had refused to reply to her emails, calls or letters. Newspapers were a good enough way to hear of where he was at, what he was working on. And ever so often Oracle got a call from him with information that might be of help to one of Batman’s investigations and she had generously shared with her when Donna had called again asking for him. She knew one of his apprentices had turned out to become a criminal in the name of some marginalised vendetta, knew he had been accused of a bunch of crimes he managed to come clean from, knew he had been missing from the public eye more often than usual. She could only guess he referred to those now.

“But I am sorry. The last thing I wanted was to make you feel like I was distancing myself for anything specific. I was just a mess, Donna. I didn’t want you all to see me like that.”

Donna sighed as she let the heavy silence lean over them for a while.

Five years. She hadn’t heard from the last traces of her family for five years now.

“Are you okay now?” She muttered, a whisper.

Dick turned to look at her, but when he noticed she was looking away, he paused. She could feel his damn grin through the back of her head. “Sorry, I didn’t hear, what?”

Donna rolled her eyes. “I asked,” she repeated through gritted teeth, “if you’re okay now.”

“Awwwww, you care for me!” He cooed, draping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her in for a sidehug. She tried to brush him away and off her, but the more she resisted it the tighter he squeezed and cooed her. “Despite everything you’re just an adorable young lady, aren’t you!!”

She elbowed him, making him cough out air as he freed her. “You’re such a nuisance,” she grunted. “But yes, of course I was worried about you, idiot. We’re family!! And family doesn’t quit. No matter how afraid we are of their reaction, no matter how deep in shit we are… We don’t turn on family.” She looked at him, and when she saw that weak but honest smile return to his lips, suddenly the years of worry and doubt didn’t weigh as heavy. “You don’t quit on me.”

Dick bumped his shoulder with hers and his smile perked up a little bit. “I’m sorry Donna. I… Wish I could promise it won’t happen again, but I think I’ve lied enough already… So I just can say I will hope you never give up on family either.” He said gently. “Because I’ll only want to make my way back… Will just don’t really know how. So I need you to leave the lights on for me. If you’ll have me.”

She rested her head on his shoulder. “Always Dick, always. It's good to have you back. And yes, I will always be here. No matter how angry you make me, how much you may think I'll hate you... That's what family is for. And that extends to everyone whose calls, messages and entire existence you've been avoiding.” She sighed. The morning was blooming slowly, the sun becoming less distant, warmer. The world was waking up. And as much as she still felt like he had earned himself a scolding, as much of her as still wanted to scream and cry at the man who had disappeared from Earth without even saying he'd be back... She was happy that he was back. Maybe one day she'd learned what had kept him locked away fromt hem all.

Now, however, at least she owed him some teasing. “But, since you’re back…” A grin touched her face. “How is Mr. Loverboy doing? Any more friends’ hearts you plan on breaking, hm? Kory sends regards. And I'm sure Barbara is dying to see you!”

Richard grimaced, moving away and standing up. “Well, was nice to see you. Gotta go. Byeee! See you in another five years, byeee!” He started to walk away. 

Donna laughed and stood up, chasing after him.”No,no, do tell! Not sure if I have any more redhaired friends you can make things awkward with, though. Unless you might want to give Roy a shot? Heard he’s quite the charmer too…”

“I can’t hear you! You’re miles away! Byeeee!”

Her laughter rang between the silent buildings, and even though Dick was fighting to look as annoyed as he sounded, she could see the hint of a smile peeking through his grimaces and faces. She had missed him; she had missed this. Her family. All she ever needed.