Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Gyaaah, this is why I didn’t want to be the class president … I don’t want to deal with that!”

“... it’s just handing him the assignment … that should be fine, right?”

“I don’t want to! Shinsuke-kun is so rude and mean! Why do we have to be in the same class this year, ugh … hey, Kaichi-kun?”

He got startled, breaking the tip of his pencil and smudging a line through his doodle as he looked up at the class president standing at his desk, handing him a piece of paper.

“Y-Yes?”

“Shiino-sensei gave me this assignment for Shinsuke-kun, because he was late to class yesterday.”

“... aha.”

“You sit next to him, you should know where he goes on lunch breaks, right?”

He nodded - although he actually didn’t know where the guy sitting next to him had gone off to. Was he supposed to know that kind of thing? It hadn’t even been a month into their second year of Junior High … and he hadn’t spoken to anyone sitting around him last year until at least two months in!

It made him nervous just to think about it.

“Awesome! Please take it to him then, thank you!”

If the class president says so … he should probably do it. Maybe it was important. Would it result in disciplinary action if this assignment is not delivered on time? Oh no … he can’t let that happen, it would be his fault …

But still, where is he supposed to find this guy?

They had never talked before. He didn’t know anything about Shinsuke-kun … other than the fact he was also quiet. And that he often seemed angry, and was easy to set off, and would snap at his classmates and sometimes even teachers. Kaichi had seen it before: Shinsuke-kun being called on and his face instantly twisting in rage. He kinda understood that, honestly, because he also preferred to be left alone, but at least … he tried to keep it together when teachers called his name. And it didn’t make him angry, just nervous … so he didn’t actually understand Shinsuke-kun at all.

Unlike Kaichi, Shinsuke-kun was tall, strong, confident and good at sports. Kaichi used to think that maybe, Shinsuke-kun also liked to draw, because he saw him scribbling on his notebooks in class sometimes, but he wasn’t really drawing anything. From what Kaichi could see at his desk, it looked like Shinsuke-kun was just mindlessly crossing out his name on all of his notebooks … sometimes to the point of tearing a hole through the page.

But he was still just another student, right? The same as Kaichi. So maybe he’d spend his lunch break in similar places too … if not in the classroom, maybe the cafeteria, or the benches behind the school.

He stood up to go check, and momentarily wondered if he could just leave the assignment on Shinsuke-kun’s desk … that seemed like the obvious solution, no? The class president didn’t say anything about it though … maybe he missed something and it had to be in person. Oh well … he sighed, struggling to pull his gaze away from the desk that seemed like a refuge right now, as opposed to the uncertainty of roaming the halls to find Shinsuke-kun. And having to say something to him, that too … that was super nerve-wrecking.

But as he stared at Shinsuke-kun’s desk trying to postpone the inevitable, he did notice something. He was right about his doodles, or lack thereof: there were three notebooks haphazardly thrown on the desk, and Shinsuke-kun’s name was crossed off on all of them … but on two, only in half.

One notebook had a hole put through the page, and the other two just read Shin.

Curious …

Finally, Kaichi convinced his legs to move, and he checked out all the obvious places with no luck - until he finally spotted Shinsuke-kun on the staircase below him. With other students around too. Where was he going? He didn’t want to lose him again-

“Shin-kun!”

He was afraid of calling out like that. In general, because it made people stop and look at him, but also specifically to Shinsuke-kun, because he knew what Shinsuke-kun was like when people called out to him.

… except not this time, apparently.

“Konoha-chan asked- Shiino-sensei gave her this for you,” he fumbled over his words, skipping two stairs at a time rushing down to where Shinsuke-kun stood still, staring at him.

“... what was that?”

“It’s an assignment,” Kaichi nervously smiled, handing him the paper.

“No, what … what did you call me?”

“Oh,” Kaichi bit his lip, slapping a hand over his mouth. “I’m sorry! It was on your notebooks, I saw it- I’m sorry, I wasn’t staring or anything!”

“... you know that’s not my name, right?”

“Yes, I’m sorry!”

“... you used it anyway?”

“H-huh?”

“You know it’s not my name and you used it anyway?”

Kaichi wondered if he would get hit. That was incredibly disrespectful of him … but Shinsuke-kun didn’t look like he was about to hit him.

“... y-yeah,” he nodded. “I’m sorry. I just saw it right now and I was thinking about it, it kinda stuck with me, that happens sometimes, I just think a lot, I’m sorry … Shinsu-”

“Shut up,” Shinsuke-kun grumbled, yanking the assignment from Kaichi’s hands. “Whatever … thanks.”

Shinsuke-kun stormed off, leaving him to wonder what on earth had just happened. He’d completed his task of delivering the assignment, so that should have been it, right?

But Shinsuke-kun’s reaction was something Kaichi didn’t understand. And the things he didn’t understand … well, they stuck with him.

It began to keep him up at night, together with all the times his classmates laughed when he walked by and he couldn’t determine what they laughed at so he assumed it must have been him, and all the times he accidentally scared the neighbor’s cat which probably hated him because he didn’t speak cat and couldn’t explain he didn’t see her in the garden before turning on the water, and that one time he said good night instead of good morning to Niyama-sensei last week … and other similar things.

Sometimes, having more information about things he didn’t understand helped. Which was probably why he found himself looking at Shinsuke-kun in class more often, even if they never talked again since that day. Shinsuke-kun was a stone wall most of the time - either that, or he was angry. There wasn’t really any information to gain from that, and the chaotic states in which he left his desk before storming off to eat his lunch weren’t much help either.

Except for one thing.

Some of the notebooks - the ones that previously had a hole scratched through the front page of them - now had pieces of paper stuck over where Shinsuke-kun’s name used to be. And every one of those pieces of paper that Kaichi could see just said Shin.

Curious …

He continued his observations in the coming weeks, slowly beginning to note the differences in how Shinsuke-kun responded to people. When teachers called on him, he looked angry every time. When their classmate on the other side asked to borrow a pencil or an eraser or a pen - seriously, did that guy not bring anything to school with him!? How can he even leave the house without triple checking he didn’t forget anything? Well, anyway, when that guy called out to him, Shinsuke-kun barely reacted and just gave him whatever he asked for. But if the class president tried to get his attention from across the room, he looked angry again.

… did Shinsuke-kun hate teachers and girls? Or was it just people in positions of authority? Kaichi soon realized that the data was insufficient, because all the girls in their class avoided talking to Shinsuke-kun, and even the class president only did it when she really had to.

“Hey, you dumbass! Where do you think you’re going!? You’re on cleanup duty today, geez … ugh, I swear …”

“Right … fine.”

Kaichi was just about to pack up his things and leave, but this one exchange sent his brain into overdrive. Class president, check … girl, check … authority, check … insult, check … somewhat moderately raised voice, check … and yet Shinsuke-kun didn’t look angry?

But this threw the whole pattern off! Unless-

“Shinsuke-kun, you’re so difficult! No wonder no one likes you. I hope you’re not in our class next year!”

“Shut up!”

It was almost like flipping a switch.

“... do you want some help?”

“Ha? Oh. It’s you.”

Kaichi wished the floorboards would give in beneath him so he wouldn’t have to stand frozen under Shinsuke-kun’s glare. And also, what does he mean with oh, it’s you?! Kaichi had been sitting beside him this whole time, why was Shinsuke-kun surprised that he was here!? Of course he was here, he hadn’t left yet! What, was Shinsuke-kun just … completely oblivious to everything around him and not paying attention at all?

… that sounded kinda nice, actually. Kaichi wished he knew how to do that.

“H-Hi,” he finally spoke up again. “Do you want help with the cleanup?”

“... why?”

“Just … because?”

What kinda question was that … offering help was nice, people liked that … why didn’t Shinsuke-kun like it?

“... okay?”

And why did that sound like a question too?! Oh god … this guy was going to make his head explode, he was a complete mystery and nothing about his reactions made sense! How was Kaichi supposed to navigate that!?

“Okay. I’ll get the broom then.”

He swept the floor while Shinsuke-kun closed the curtains, fixed the chairs and cleaned the chalkboard. Neither of them said anything, and the silence gave Kaichi a chance to play back everything that just happened in his mind, and add another data point to Shinsuke-kun’s chart.

Usually, after enough data had been collected, he found ways to understand things, and he could close the case and move on: free up his mind to focus on something else.

There was always something else after all.

But no matter how hard he observed him or how many mental notes he took, Shinsuke-kun still remained one big confusing unknown to him. The Shinsuke-kun chart in Kaichi’s head had gotten pretty large, and for taking up all that space, it still didn’t make interacting with the guy any easier.

So … as much as he didn’t like it, Kaichi had to admit … it would probably be easier if he just … talked to Shinsuke-kun and asked.

“... hey … Shin-kun?”

“Yes?”

Uh-oh.

Kaichi knew exactly what he wanted to say next. It was basically on the tip of his tongue already! And yet … the tone of Shinsuke-kun’s voice and the look in his eyes threw him off completely. This wasn’t- he’d already called him that before, and he distinctly remembered the confusion and possibly - probably, most likely - some annoyance? But this wasn’t that.

This wasn’t the reaction he was expecting.

Shinsuke-kun sounded like … nothing Kaichi had heard from him before.

He didn’t get angry, he didn’t ask why Kaichi called him that, he didn’t say that’s not his name.

“... yes?”

The same thing, a second time. Except quieter. Softer? Or was that … uncertain?

‘Shinsuke-kun’ and ‘being uncertain’ didn’t really go together in Kaichi’s head.

“H-Hey … you, uh … wanted something?”

“Shin-kun, you don’t like your name?” Kaichi blurted out, taking a step back and finding himself up against the wall. What a relief … at least if he faints, he’ll have some support.

“... no. I hate the fucking thing,” Shinsuke-kun grumbled, the chalk in his hand snapping in two.

So that’s what it was? Really? Geez, what a simpleton.

But also … it made Kaichi wonder why someone would hate their own name so much.

“And it’s not my name, it’s my dad’s name.”

Oh … okay. Would he just keep going?

“And I hate him, and I hate the name, and- ”

… not more than that, it seemed. But it felt like the kinda thing you should ask about if you’ve been told - and so Kaichi did.

“... Shin-kun, is your dad mean to you?”

“I don’t know. He doesn’t hit me.”

“That’s good …”

“He usually doesn’t scream.”

“I see …”

“But I hate him.”

“... why?”

About two or three minutes earlier, Kaichi had swept over the spot where Shinsuke-kun was standing. Now, the floor was full of chalk dust again.

“... there aren’t any other kids near my house now. But before we moved, our neighbors had a girl. She was a year younger than me, I think. I wasn’t allowed to play with her - but I did it anyway when my parents and my sisters weren’t home. Her parents were nice. I was allowed inside their house. We could play in her room when it was raining. The walls were light blue - the rest of their house was painted white, but her room was light blue. There were handprints of her and her dad by the window. She said they painted it together. She had dolls, and toy cars, and a long manga shelf, and a large bed with lots of plush cats. Cats were her favorite animal. She couldn’t have one because she was allergic. Her parents worked late so their housekeeper cooked dinner most days, but her dad cooked on the weekends. I used to go there if no one was home, he always cooked for me too. One time we were having lunch and he said he had a surprise. Then he showed her a bunch of pictures of this weird looking cat, like it had no fur, he said it was hypnoallergic or something, I dunno, but they could go meet it and see if she still had a reaction. She was so happy. Her parents were also so happy. They got the cat that summer. I was kinda freaked out by it but she loved it. It was a good cat. She said she wanted to be a vet when she grows up. Her parents were happy about that too. Even though her mom designed houses and her dad did something with computers. I didn’t understand. They asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up too. I didn’t … understand. They knew my dad owned a company … why would they ask?”

Kaichi could easily spend two or three hours analyzing a single sentence before he’d feel comfortable saving it away somewhere in the back of his mind.

Whatever just boiled out of Shinsuke-kun was absolutely too much for any kind of analysis.

So he just … gripped the broom handle, leaned back against the wall and tried to take the words in at face value, as much as he possibly could.

“A-Anyway … we moved here before Junior High and- my room, it’s- it’s the same as before, it’s white and the curtains are white and the sheets are gray. I have a closet for jerseys and soccer balls. And another for regular clothes. There’s a shelf for trophies from sport meets - my mom puts them there. I don’t really ever remember having plushies or toys. My parents don’t know what my favorite animal is. My dad doesn’t cook. He’s also never asked me if I even want to inherit his stupid company. Which I don’t.”

There was another new expression on Shinsuke-kun’s face that Kaichi hadn’t seen before.

Actually, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen anyone look this sad before …

“And no one asked me if I wanted to be named after him. Which I also fucking don’t. But I don’t get a choice. I never get a choice. E-Except when … when I was messing around with my notebooks, and you just went with that. That felt like … choosing something.”

“Oh. Is that why you wrote ‘Shin’ on all of your notebooks now?” Kaichi blurted out.

“... yeah.”

“So should I call you Shin-kun?”

“Don’t you already?”

“Oh … yes, I’m sorry …”

“If anything, it’s … I mean, Shin is fine.”

“Okay … Shin …” Kaichi carefully nodded.

“And what’s your name?”

“Demizu Kaichi!” He bowed his head, still clutching the broom.

“Miuchi … Shin. Thanks.”

“Eh? For what?”

“... for letting me choose.”

Chapter Text

It was on short notice. And Kaichi didn’t get a lot of pocket money, but he also barely ever used it on anything, so he had a lot saved up. Still, it was on short notice … checking the list of class birthdays and realizing Shin’s was the week after they had started talking. Well, talking as in … not not talking, as was the case before.

Shin said hi to him in the mornings now. And Kaichi said goodbye after class in the afternoons, before Shin left for soccer practice.

Was it weird that he never mentioned it was his birthday? Maybe he didn’t like his birthday either … in which case maybe he wouldn’t want to get any gifts?

Great, now Kaichi had yet another option to choose from: no gift, the purple toy car, or the blue plush cat keychain. Two choices on short notice was already too much, so this … this was extremely overwhelming.

… what would Shin do?

He’d probably grumble about it. And then do the simplest thing.

So Kaichi bought both the toy car and the plush keychain.

“Shin!”

“... Kaichi? Hey.”

“Do you have soccer today?”

“No. I’m going home. You?”

“I wanted to give you this,” he nervously rummaged through his bag, taking out his best attempts at gift wrapping - they were still terrible, but they held together at least. “Since it was your birthday two weeks ago … I didn’t realize, I’m sorry. Or, if you don’t celebrate, I can take them back!”

“... for me?”

“Mhm.”

“Thanks …” Shin furrowed his brow, taking both from Kaichi’s hands.

He ripped the wrapping paper in half, tearing through the toy car’s box in the process and almost dropping the keychain on the ground - but he bumped it up with his foot at the last minute, and caught it in his hand.

He stared at both gifts, and didn’t say anything.

“... it’s because you said you didn’t-”

“When’s your birthday?”

“Huh?”

“When’s your birthday, Kaichi?”

Another new expression on Shin’s face. These had become kinda fun to collect lately, even if it was still unnerving to never know what to expect from this guy.

“It’s August 18th.”

“Okay. Thank you!”

The tiny cat plushie looked like it was about to explode from how hard it was being squished in Shin’s hand.

But Shin was smiling.

That was new too.

“Kaichi, do you do anything after school?”

“... I go home?“

“Every day?”

“Mhm.”

“No clubs or sports or anything?”

“No.”

“Which direction?”

“Huh?”

“Which direction do you go home in?” Shin asked as they approached the school gate together.

“That way,” Kaichi pointed to the left.

“Me too! Let’s go home together.”

“Okay.”

While they walked, Shin hung the keychain from his bag, and took the car out of its tiny box properly, spinning its wheels.

“I’m probably too old for one of these …”

“... oh. Sorry …”

“That just means no one would ever buy me one,” Shin grinned. “So you’re special, Kaichi. Again.”

“... again?!”

“No one else calls me Shin either.”

“... oh.”

“Do you have a stutter?”

“Eh? N-No? I mean, sometimes, if … if I’m nervous?”

“Ah. Is that why you do that thing when you talk, like … you keep waiting at the start of a sentence and then you go in all quiet?”

“... what?”

“Like that, right now.”

“... like what?”

“You said … what? instead of just, you know … saying it normally.”

“... I just wanna take my time,” Kaichi quietly mumbled. “So I don’t say the wrong things.”

“Oh. Okay. Take your time then. But also … I thought it was okay to say the wrong things,” Shin mumbled.

“... is it?”

“I said a bunch of wrong things to you that time. You weren’t mean to me about any of them. And you listened too.”

The wheels on the toy car got spun around again. Possibly - but not certainly - there was a tear in the corner of Shin’s eye.

“Shin, those things you said weren’t wrong!”

“... you’re special, Kaichi. Again.”

There were definitely tears.

Kaichi did his best to quickly find where he put the pack of tissues he always kept in his bag.

Even though it was the first time they weren’t being used on him.

“You have a whole pack of tissues with you?” Shin asked, blowing his nose after drying his tears. “Why?”

“Just in case. And plasters and disinfectant wipes too.”

“That’s cool. I turn right here, you?”

“Also right.”

“That’s also cool,” Shin smiled again as they kept walking together. “What are your parents like, Kaichi?”

“... I don’t know,” he mumbled. “Mom had me very young with someone she didn’t know … it caused a big argument and she left somewhere and … never came back. No one would really tell me, but I think it was because of my grandparents. I used to live with them when I was little. Now my aunt and uncle have been letting me stay with them …”

“Oh … damn, that’s kinda fucked up. I’m sorry. You’re basically an orphan?”

“Kinda … I guess,” Kaichi shrugged, doing his best to smile. “But I have toys and one big teddy bear from when I was little, and we eat meals together … they ask about my future plans sometimes. I think it’s okay - I’m just happy I have somewhere to be.”

“That’s cool. So what are your future plans?”

“I don’t know yet. I want to become stronger and more confident … and I want to draw things, I think.”

“Like manga?”

“Maybe … I’m not sure. And- … hmm. Shin, do you want to talk about your future plans?”

“I need to get into a good high school, and then get a Bachelor’s and Master’s degree in Business Administration at Kobe. And then I’ll do an internship at my dad’s company, and then I’ll work there … forever.”

It didn’t sound like Shin at all. Of course it didn’t.

“... those are Shinsuke-kun’s plans, aren’t they?” Kaichi cautiously asked.

“Ha?”

“I wanna know about Shin’s plans!”

“... S-Shin doesn’t ha-have … any.”

“I hope you’ll find some!” Kaichi cheered him on, offering another tissue.

Maybe he’d carry two packs from now on.

Chapter Text

“There’s a fight?! Where!?”

“Who?”

“Someone get the teacher!”

“They’re outside!”

“Who’s fighting?”

“Dunno, one of Riko-chan’s classmates?”

“That brute from 2-A went right at him! He’s gonna get his head smashed!!”

As a general principle, Kaichi had always looked for ways to avoid even brushing up against any sort of conflict with others in the first place. It had always been a cautious and calculated affair of self preservation.

And he probably misheard something.

But still, he suddenly found his legs moving toward the courtyard before he could stop them.

Unfortunately, he didn’t mishear anything.

All he saw was Shin rolling around on the ground with one of the third years. And he was about to get hit. And only then did Kaichi realize that his legs still … hadn’t stopped running.

“Shin!!!”

He didn’t remember the moment after that.

Just how much the back of his head hurt.

A teacher came running. The crowd of students had scattered. He heard Shin calling his name … but not for long.

The first person he saw when he opened his eyes was the school nurse leaning over him on the ground. Asking if he's hurt. Where he is. What day it is. What his name is.

He was pretty sure he knew those things … although he said it was Tuesday, and it might have been Wednesday, but … no, they still had homework due, it was definitely Tuesday …

They called his aunt to come pick him up anyway. She took him to the doctor, and Kaichi sat patiently in the monotone beige office as they redressed the wound on the back of his head. He was lucky, the doctor said. It was a deep scratch, but it could have been worse. His head must have dragged over a corner or a pebble after he hit the floor. It could have been a lot worse. At least he didn't have any swelling or a concussion. They should be sending boys to school in helmets these days, what a ruckus they're causing.

"It wasn't his fault," his aunt came to his defense. "Kaichi's a very careful kid. Another boy pushed him …"

"I see … still, could do with a helmet," the doctor smiled. "Rest up at home this week. You'll have a terrible headache tomorrow. If it's gone by Friday, you can return to school next week. And stay away from troublemakers, will you?"

He said he would. But Shin wasn't a troublemaker! What happened to him?

… Kaichi wanted to save him. That’s why he ran in and got hit.

He woke up the next morning with a massive headache, and a better sense of time, but still no idea what happened to Shin. He wished he wouldn't have to stay home. Hopefully Shin was alright and he’d see him next week at school. Until then, there wasn’t much to do other than rest, eat lots of soup and stare out the window to pass the time.

On the second day, a black car parked outside their house. He heard people talking downstairs, unfamiliar voices that he couldn’t make out, but they left eventually, and his aunt came up to his room with a piece of paper and a huge smile on her face.

Apparently it was some rich kid that had hit him, and his parents shilled out a lot of money if his aunt agreed to not pursue the incident further.

“We can definitely get you those new colored pens you wanted now!” She smiled before telling him goodnight.

… but Kaichi didn’t want any colored pens now - he wanted to know what happened to Shin.

At least on Monday, he was finally able to go back to school, and Shin was there.

Except he didn’t say hi to Kaichi.

Didn’t even look at him.

And he disappeared at lunch break before Kaichi could talk to him.

Kaichi didn’t know if that meant Shin was mad at him, or if he’d done something wrong … but Shin said it was okay to say the wrong things, so … Kaichi went to find him. He wasn’t in the cafeteria, he wasn’t behind the school, and he wasn’t on the roof where aloof types like him might usually hang out either. But Kaichi did eventually find him - sitting with his knees pulled to his chest under the stairs in the basement.

“... Shin?”

Another unfamiliar look. This was … fear, wasn’t it?

“I’m sorry.”

“Shin, are you okay!?”

“I’m …”

Kaichi didn’t think to bring tissues with him. So he kneeled beside Shin and wiped his tears away himself.

“Shin …”

“I’m sorry!”

“I’m just glad you’re alright.”

“I hit you …”

“... I figured,” Kaichi nodded. “But it was my own fault! I just ran in without thinking …”

“Why?”

“... I wanted to help you.”

“I got you hurt …”

“It’s okay! It was an accident! I’m okay, Shin - I promise!”

“I didn’t mean to …”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry …”

“It’s okay. It was nice getting to rest at home for a while anyway! And I don’t have much to catch up on at school, I’m sure I’ll manage by the end of the week.”

“Does your head still hurt?”

“It doesn't! Well, maybe if I press the bandaid on the back, but I usually forget it's even there. And you? Were you hurt anywhere?”

“... my dad yelled at me when he came home.”

“I’m sorry …”

“You a-and that other guy were cheap … he said it cost him a lot to get the school to not suspend me though.”

“Oh … were you in trouble?”

“Yeah. I got banned from the soccer club … but mom said it’s better that way anyway, I can focus on my private club practice more now.”

“I see …”

They sat in silence for a while, with Shin sniffling every now and then.

Kaichi hated asking things directly when he didn’t understand something, but … with Shin, he felt like he could do it somehow.

“Shin … why did you go after that guy?”

“The club captain?”

“Is that who it was?”

“Yeah.”

“... why did you go after him?”

Shin reached into his pocket, his hands trembling as he pulled out a broken keychain loop with a decapitated head of the plush cat, still leaking the white stuffing at the bottom.

“Shin? What happened?!”

“I had it on my bag. The captain saw it after practice. He laughed and said I looked like a girl. I said I don’t care. Then he- he grabbed it and pulled it off. He said this is not the girls’ team. I told him t-to … give it back, and … he w-wouldn’t … give it b-back to me!”

“Shin …”

“You gave it to me, I just wanted it back … I just …”

“Shin, you can get a new one!”

“But it’s not the same! It’s not the one you gave me!” Shin screamed, bunching his hand into a fist around what little was left of the keychain.

“... o-okay …” Kaichi startled, carefully patting Shin’s back to try and calm him down. “Shin … Shin, then I will get you a new one. Okay?”

“... you will?”

“Mhm. I’d get you a million new keychains if it meant you won’t get hurt again … so please don’t get into any more fights, okay? I can always buy you a new keychain! But I can't buy a new Shin.”

“Haha … you’re funny, Kaichi.”

“Eh? I was serious!”

“I hope so,” Shin smiled, his posture finally relaxing as he unclenched his fists. “You’ll really get me a new one?”

“Absolutely! I’ll go buy it after school today!”

“I’ll look forward to it tomorrow then. And I promise I’ll keep that one safe!”

“... Shin, I don’t think you got the point. I want you to be safe! Not the keychain …”

“Oh. Okay … I’ll try.”

“Thank you! Now come on … let’s get back to the classroom,” Kaichi smiled, standing up and reaching out a hand to Shin.

He took it, pulling hard as he stood up and almost toppled Kaichi over. Tall guys really were something else …

“... hey. Kaichi …”

“Mhm?”

“There’s one … other thing,” Shin mumbled as they walked up the stairs.

“Yes? What is it?”

“... I told the captain my friend gave me the keychain. I said that’s why I wanted it back.”

“Oh … Shin … ?”

“But I never asked you, and now- even after I hit you, do you still- would you still want to be friends?”

Another new expression. A new tone of voice. A new look in Shin’s eyes.

Kaichi suddenly felt like he could spend his whole life collecting these.

“Yes!”

Chapter Text

Kaichi’s room was small, barely fitting his desk and a futon. It had a tiny balcony that he usually opened in the summer evenings, hiding behind a mosquito net and enjoying the breeze as he thought of new things to draw. Sometimes he played music. Most of the time it was just quiet.

This summer, too, was quiet. But in a whole different way.

“You’re so good …” Shin mumbled every now and then, sitting beside him.

Kaichi had never drawn around other people before - well, he did, but only while purposefully trying to tune them out, like in class or on the train. Letting someone just sit there and watch was inconceivable.

But letting Shin sit there and watch felt like it could be alright.

And it really wasn’t all that different to being alone: Shin was quiet most of the time too. But the feeling of sharing all of this with someone else … that was new.

On days that Shin couldn’t come because he had soccer practice, Kaichi soon noticed that he missed him. And now he himself was becoming a thing that he didn’t understand, because the whole point of summer break was that he didn’t need to see anyone or talk to anyone, and yet … he started coming out to Shin’s soccer practice to watch him play whenever he could.

Shin took the time to see his hobby too, so Kaichi figured it was only fair - until he realized that soccer was Shinsuke-kun’s hobby, not Shin’s. And the next realization that followed was that because of all the things Shinsuke-kun had to do, Shin didn’t have any hobbies at all. So Kaichi couldn’t return the favor even if he wanted to.

But by that point, it wasn’t really about doing his part or keeping things fair anymore. He really just … wanted to spend more time with Shin too. But he couldn’t, because Shinsuke-kun took that time away from him.

… he was starting to understand the resentment that came with that.

He was starting to understand, finally. And yet … Shin didn’t take up any less space in his head because of it. As they kept sitting in his room in the evenings together, as Kaichi kept showing up to soccer practice and waiting to get his friend back, as the August heat glued their shirts to their backs with buckets of sweat while Shin dragged him outside to shop for his birthday gifts … Kaichi noticed more and more that he couldn’t take his eyes off of Shin. And not because he was an unknown, not because he was an unpredictable threat … but because he felt like a familiar place, and Kaichi felt safe when he was with him.

“... I still can’t believe you got me these,” he bit his lip, sitting by the open balcony with a metal box of 24 pastel pencils in his lap. “Eight would have been fine!”

“You looked the happiest when you held this box though,” Shin insisted, sitting down beside him with one hand behind his back. “So I wanted to get this one.”

“Thank you! Thank you so much!”

“I also got you something else too.”

“Eh?! Shin, that’s too-”

“It’s a small thing,” Shin grinned, revealing the small gift-wrapped mess he’d been hiding.

“... what is it?”

“You’re supposed to open it!”

He gently peeled back the tape that held the gift wrap together, unfolding it in his hands to reveal a small blue cat keychain inside.

“... it’s the one I got you?”

“I still have mine! But I got you the same one.”

“Oh … that’s … well, I’ve never …”

“Kaichi?”

“... I’ve never had matching things with a friend,” he mumbled quietly. “Or a friend a-at all …”

“I’m the first?”

“Mhm.”

Kaichi wondered if that was the wrong thing to say. Were they too old to worry about friends like that? Well, but Shin got him a matching keychain, so evidently not. But then why was he frowning and not saying anything?

“I don’t think I ever asked my old neighbor if she wanted to be friends, so you’re also my first friend,” Shin finally declared with a proud smile.

Oh … that’s what he was thinking about?

“I like being your friend, Shin. I’m glad you’re mine too!” Kaichi also couldn’t stop himself from smiling as he tightly held onto the keychain. “I’ll put it on my bag too! Where did you hang it from?” He asked, scrambling onto his feet to pull his school bag out from under his desk.

“Here,” Shin followed behind him, nudging Kaichi’s hand to the right shoulder strap. “And mine was hard to open at first, let me help …”

Kaichi’s hands rested in Shin’s for a moment as he held both him and the keychain, prying it open so that Kaichi could effortlessly slide it onto his bag.

“Thanks!”

“You’re welcome,” Shin shrugged, stepping back and plopping himself down by the balcony again.

He ran his hands through his hair, holding still for a moment before extending out his arms and legs like a starfish to help him cool down.

It looked a little bit like an embrace.

Kaichi wished he could be in it.

Because the world was terrifying and overwhelming and uncertain and constantly keeping him on his toes, leaving him exhausted if he wanted even just a semblance of comfort, but with Shin, it was just … effortless.

He wished there would always be hands to reach in and hold him when something was hard.

He wished Shin could be his whole world.

“So what? Are you not gonna draw today?”

“I will!” He snapped out of his thoughts, grabbing a sketchbook and a pencil sharpener from his desk before sitting next to Shin again. “I just don’t know what … hey, Shin, what’s your favorite animal?”

“Ha?”

“I realized I never asked.”

“... I don’t think I have one. Cats, I guess?”

“I like cats too! Let’s try a cat then …”

For his first time with new pencils, it turned out pretty alright. Usually, he’d save a set like this for only the nicest drawings, the ones he took out of the sketchbook and saved in a separate folder in the end, because he didn’t want to use up the nice pencils on just anything. But with Shin by his side, it was so easy to forget all about that and just … draw whatever he wanted.

A big cat.

Several small cats.

Cat face doodles in the corners.

A couple mice, so the cats had something to do.

It was fun, he thought as he finally turned a new page.

“I wonder what now … hmm … it’s hard,” he sighed, leaning his head back against the wall. “Sometimes in movies, artists look out their window for inspiration, but there’s nothing out here.”

“Plus it’s dark,” Shin nodded along.

“And no stars too … bummer. Maybe I should draw a cloud, there are so many shades of blue in this set … but that’s kinda boring. Oh, I know - I can draw our names together!”

“Draw our names?”

“Like calligraphy, but with pencils,” Kaichi nodded.

It just felt like the right thing to do. He only had these pencils because of Shin in the first place … and they’ve always been together lately.

“You make everything into art,” Shin observed him, moving closer and slowly resting his head on Kaichi’s shoulder where he had a better view. “That’s cool. I like that.”

“Thanks! What’s your favorite color, Shin?”

“... blue.”

“Then I’ll make your name blue!”

“And yours?”

“I like purple.”

“Those are similar … that’s nice.”

“Mhm … they are.”

Just like they were similar too, Kaichi thought. More than he ever could have guessed, even.

“Your name is also two characters, huh … like Shinsuke,” Shin eventually mumbled as Kaichi finished drawing his name and moved to his own.

“Mhm.”

“But it doesn’t … work the same,” Shin reached out his hand, covering the sketch outline of the second character.

“Some kids in Elementary did call me Ka-chan,” Kaichi smiled.

“That’s not the same. No one’s called me Shin. How about- can I?”

“Sure …” Kaichi stared in confusion, handing over the pencil to Shin.

He loomed back and forth over Kaichi’s second character, eventually putting a line through half of it and reaching for the eraser.

“Ka - i - chi. There. Now it’s just Kai.”

“... I don’t think kanji work that way?”

“You don’t like it?”

He didn’t even know what Shin was doing - how was he supposed to like it?

… well, but he didn’t dislike it.

“... can you say it again?”

“Kai.”

“Is that … a new nickname?”

“If you want it. Then we’ll match too.”

Match? How? Even in terms of characters, ‘Shin’ was one out of two and ‘Kai’ - if what Shin did could even be read that way, or read at all - was one and a half. Was it just about having a nickname?

“... can you-”

“Kai.”

It felt warm. Safe. Shin was smiling as he said it. No one else had called Kaichi that before.

… Shin was special. Wait, was that it?

“I like it,” he nodded, grabbing the purple pencil to color the kanji in. “You should call me that, Shin!”

“I will … Kai.”

Chapter Text

“Do you have any idea how hard it was to find time for this today …” Shinsuke’s father sighed as his driver parked at the school and he stepped out of the car to meet his wife.

“I know, dear. But think of the image, the family should be a united front … and I’m sure they won’t request another mandatory meeting with you present, certainly they understand you are busy, and after that generous donation too …”

“Well, let’s hope. I will say you were right though, to not have him at a private school … that would have been such a mess with a different demographic. I guess if he butts heads with some kids here, it doesn’t really matter.”

And it came with more leverage too - having money and influence went a lot farther when others didn’t have those things.

“Miuchi-san, miss, welcome,” the principal greeted them in his office, bowing his head. “I hope you’ve had a nice summer?”

“Family cruise in the Mediterranean,” Shinsuke’s mom smiled. “It’s a tradition.”

“That’s lovely, I’m sure Shinsuke-kun enjoyed a nice break!”

“Oh, no, he doesn’t attend those. His activities take priority, he’s had soccer practice four times a week all summer!”

“I see, he is still playing for a private club? I am terribly sorry about the school team, there was just no other way-”

“We understand,” his father cut in, sitting down. “It’s all about risk management, I am well familiar with the concept. So, now that he’s back in school, how is he doing?”

“It’s best if Shiino–san takes it from here, I think. If you would?”

“Ah, yes. Miuchi-san, miss, welcome … I’m a bit surprised, honestly. Shinsuke-kun has improved a lot since the incident!”

“... he has?”

“He has always been very smart, but lacking effort and diligence, and his attitude as well could have, uhm … been better in some situations. But recently, he has been coming to class on time in the morning, and he turns in his assignments when they’re due, and his handwriting has gotten neater, and there are fewer mistakes too. He was also the first to turn in his summer homework this year - well, one of two. He and Kaichi-kun brought theirs to me together on the first day after the break. I’ve talked to some other teachers as well and it seems the two have become friends lately?”

“Kaichi … where have I heard that before?” Shinsuke’s father furrowed his brow.

“It’s that Demizu kid, isn’t it?” His mom chimed in. “I told Shinsuke he needs to apologize, it’s good that he took care of that so he’s not in trouble.”

“Well, looks like he listened … for once.”

“I think it’s a great thing that the two are spending more time together,” Shiino-san smiled. “I think it’s helping Kaichi-kun come out of his shell a bit too, but Shinsuke-kun is basically already a whole new kid! One of the new substitute teachers even described him as polite and responsible, we almost couldn’t believe it!”

“That is indeed good news, it’s how our boy should be. May we meet Kaichi-kun?”

“Shiino-san?”

“They have science class right now - it’s almost the end of the hour though, I can take you to the lab if you’d like.”

“We would appreciate it.”

“Of course, just follow me - I’ll call him out for you.”

Kaichi had never been called out of the classroom by a teacher before. His heart was racing as he mentally recounted the events of that day, and the previous day, and the last week for something, anything, he could have done wrong to-

“Kaichi-kun, these are Shinsuke-kun’s parents.”

“... oh-”

“They said they’d like to talk to you. I’ll leave you to it then!”

“Oh … hello …” he quickly bowed his head. “Demizu Kaichi … it’s nice to meet you.”

“Miuchi Shinsuke,” his dad nodded.

“Miuchi Eiko,” his mom smiled. “Nice to meet you too, Kaichi-kun.”

“I heard you’ve been spending time with my boy?”

“Y-Yes, sir!”

“My condolences. Has he roped you into this?”

“No, sir …”

“But you’ve been helping him with school work?”

“... we … we just do the assignments together. At the same time, I mean! He does his own work.”

“Ah, so you keep the schedule?”

“... y-yes.”

“What do your parents do?”

“I live with my aunt. She works at a restaurant and my uncle works in an office.”

“I see … and you?”

“... I want to be an illustrator when I grow up.”

“Ah. Can’t say Miuchi Industries has a need for that, unfortunately.”

… what did that even mean?

“Still, if you change your mind for a more robust career, you’re welcome to send over your resume in the future,” Shinsuke’s dad reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his business card. “It’s only fair for the trouble you’re having with Shinsuke. But please keep looking out for him, I’d prefer if he stays in line - by any means necessary.”

“Uh … thank you …”

“Well then. I am glad we have an understanding. Goodbye, Kaichi-kun.”

Kaichi wasn’t exactly sure what had just happened. It felt like being swept up and just … deposited somewhere in the end. It all went by so fast … an understanding? What understanding? Things were just told to him.

… was that how Shin felt?

“Kai! Kai, where- oh … you’re here?” Shin was the first to run out of the lab behind him when the class ended.

“What happened?”

“... your parents were here. Your dad gave me this,” Kaichi turned around, showing Shin the business card.

“Why?”

“... because I agreed to keep you in line … I think? I’m-”

“I’m sorry,” Shin grabbed his hand, dragging him down the hallway.

It was their last class. Shin didn’t have soccer practice today. They were going home together, right?

But Shin took him behind the school instead, sitting on one of the benches with his knees to his chest as he ripped the business card to pieces.

“Shin …”

“I fucking hate him, I fucking hate him, why did they call him here, I don’t want him here, I don’t want him talking to you, he should leave my Kai alone! He doesn’t get to tell you what to do, you’re not his son!”

Kaichi hadn’t even managed to determine why he felt bad in the first place, and Shin had already made him feel better. It was a common occurrence, but not one he’d gotten used to yet, so it always unnerved him.

And unnerving experiences were bad, except … for this one, Shin was always there.

And Kaichi didn’t mind being unnerved if he had Shin to lean on for support.

So he sat closer to him, quite literally leaning his head on Shin’s shoulder and closing his eyes.

“Kai … I’m sorry.”

“... Shin, do you think about yourself in your own head?”

“Ha? What?”

“Do you ever think about yourself? Like … about what you’re feeling and what you’re doing and how other people are looking at you … ? I thought everyone did, but apparently not … so I don’t understand how other people’s minds work anymore.”

“Uh … sure, yeah. I do think about myself sometimes.”

“... do you call yourself Shinsuke-kun when you’re thinking about yourself? Or …”

“If I’m thinking about Shinsuke-kun, that’s about Shinsuke-kun,” Shin grumbled. “If it’s about me, it’s … it’s Shin.”

“... maybe I’ll do that too,” Kai smiled, looking up at the sky above them. “Because I like ‘Kai’. Whenever you say that, things are just … better.”

“I like Kai too.”

“... is it alright if I keep reminding you to do your school work?”

“Because my dad asked?”

“No. Because it’s fun to do things together with you.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“... and Shin …”

“Yeah?”

“... I don’t think he should tell you what to do even if you are his son.”

“Yeah, well … good luck stopping him.”

Shin would know better - maybe there was no stopping whatever his father wanted after all.

Chapter Text

“Shin! Shin!”

“3-A?” Shin found Kai running towards him from the other end of the courtyard.

“3-A!!”

“Fuck yeah! Wooo!!!!!”

He caught Kai in his arms and spun him around before putting him down and reaching out for a high-five.

“Shin, we did it!”

“We got lucky,” Shin laughed.

“I’m so glad we’re in the same class again. Where do you think we’ll sit?”

“I assume they assigned me next to you, if they’re not stupid.”

“I hope so too!”

They got lucky twice, with two desks next to each other in the back row just like last year.

Some of their classmates were the same. Some weren’t. Even then, the ratio between the two almost didn’t matter, because they were third years now, and when the class changed, the whole dynamic changed too. Everything had to be observed and analyzed and understood all over again, so Kai found himself under yet another heavy workload. He couldn’t wait to be done with school so that these massive yearly dumps of new people in new situations with new goals and new relationships to be wary of would finally be a thing of the past, because to think that he’ll have to do it at least three more times in high school, and then who knows what university is-

“Kai?”

“H-Huh? Oh … sorry, were you saying something?” He looked at Shin sitting beside him on the bench, realizing his bento box was already empty while Kai barely touched his. He really was so nervous that he forgot to eat …

“No. Just looking at you.”

“I’m sorry, I got lost in my thoughts.”

“I see … was it important?”

“... I don’t know.”

It was important to him. If he observed everything, if he gathered all the information, if he understood how people around him reacted to things, then he could navigate his way through safely with no surprises, and that was the kind of daily life he could manage.

It had always felt like a natural priority to him.

But he was beginning to realize more and more that other people didn’t approach this the same way. So maybe it wasn’t important. Maybe it was just him.

“... Kai, are you gonna make new friends?”

“Eh!? With w-who?”

“I dunno,” Shin grumbled, crossing his arms. “But you’re looking at everyone else all the time … last year you only looked at me.”

“Not at the start of the year I didn’t!”

“... so you’re not gonna make new friends?”

“... I’d rather not. Please.”

“Then why are you looking at other people?”

“... because …”

“Because?”

“I’m sorry,” Kai mumbled, forgetting his lunch again as he pulled his knees up to his chest and curled into a ball next to Shin on the bench. “I don’t know how to explain things in my head that no one else gets …”

“I just talk and it’s fine.”

“... eh?”

“I just talked to you and it’s always been fine,” Shin shrugged. “You understood. Was that hard?”

“Sometimes,” Kai nodded.

“But you still tried?”

“Of course, Shin, you’re … we’re friends. I want to understand you!”

“Yeah. We’re friends. I want to understand you.”

“... Shin …”

“You should just talk. I’ll listen.”

…but how was he supposed to talk about something that came as naturally as breathing to him, and hurt him almost as badly as a lack of oxygen would when it went wrong?

How do you put that to words?

How do you explain that to someone who isn’t on the verge of suffocating all the time?

“When I’m alone in my room, it’s fine,” he started with a quiet baseline. “And then, when I go outside, to a new place, when there’s people … I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know where things are. I don’t know what people are thinking, I don’t know what they’ll do, I don’t know how they’ll react. It’s not safe. But if I just … if I’m careful and I take in everything, if I open a new tab for everyone, like on the computer, and then put everything I notice there until it makes sense and there are no more surprises … then I’m safe again. And I can close that tab eventually.”

“Huh … but there are 31 other people in our class.”

“... it’s weird, isn’t it …”

“It’s insane. You have 31 tabs keeping track of people in your head?”

“Mhm,” Kai nodded, hiding his face. “I’m sorry. I used to think everyone did that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“What if you don’t do that?”

“I can’t.”

“Sure you can! Just … don’t do it? Like I don’t?”

“But I’m not you.”

It was quiet for a while. Still hiding his face, Kai closed his eyes and struggled not to cry. He wondered if Shin was disappointed in him … if he would rather not be friends with someone like-

“... yeah. You’re not.”

He suddenly felt Shin’s hand on his thigh, reaching into his pocket.

“You probably have tissues on you somewhere … knew it. Here,” he opened the pack and gave one to Kai. “I’d never remember that. You’re really cool, Kai.”

“... t-thanks …”

“I’m sorry I called you insane. I didn’t mean that. It’s just … I dunno, I think I’d go insane with that …”

“... I sometimes feel like that too,” Kai admitted, finally looking up again.

“Can you really not … just not do that?”

“I can’t,” Kai shook his head, tensing up again. “If I don’t- then I don’t understand, and then- it’s not safe.”

“But you are safe!” Shin insisted, reaching an arm around Kai’s shoulders. “I’d never let anyone hurt you, you know that, right? I don’t care if I promised I won’t get into fights again - if someone tried to hurt you, I would kill them.”

“S-Shin!!”

“... or put them in the hospital, at least,” he quickly backtracked when he realized he’d accidentally only freaked out Kai even more.

“... I feel like I should say thanks. But please don’t do that! Shin, if you got hurt … that’d be like three hundred thousand tabs opening all at once …”

“Oh. Do I have a tab too?”

“Mhm.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Ah, no! Shin, it’s not like that! Yours isn’t bad … it’s kinda where my mind goes to when I’m overwhelmed with the rest, if anything. You’re safe.”

“Of course I am,” Shin smiled, putting his other arm around Kai and hugging him tight. “I’ll keep you safe, I promise … I didn’t know you were working so hard in your head all the time, you’re amazing, is there anything I can do to help?”

“... I don’t know. Sometimes there’s too much of everything and I keep trying to sort it and then it’s too much and eventually my head just goes numb and then I can’t even be scared anymore, except I am, but in this new way where it feels like I can’t even protect myself now … I wish someone would stop me before it gets to that,” Kai sighed, leaning into Shin’s embrace. “But I don’t think you can do anything about that …”

“I’ll try. I also have you in my head a lot - not other people, just you. So I should notice stuff too,” Shin continued to comfort him.

“Really? What do I do in your head?”

“You make stuff better. I think of you when everything else just sucks, and I can smile again.”

“... huh …”

“And what do I do in your head, Kai?”

“... I don’t know … lots of things. You make me happy, I think … when everything is too much, I … I think about you, because I feel like I understand you, and even when I don’t … I’m not scared if it’s you. I’ve never had anyone like that before. You’re safe.”

“I’m happy about that. I want to keep you safe forever!” Shin smiled, messing up Kai’s hair as he pulled away.

“Now please, finish your lunch! The break will be over soon.”

“Okay!”

“And I’ll wait then … ‘cause when you close all the other tabs, you’ll have more space for me again, right?”

“Mhm. I wish I could always just … look at you, Shin,” Kai quietly whispered into his sandwich. “I’d be happier that way.”

“Me too,” Shin rested his head on Kai’s shoulder. “I thought you were looking for other friends. I thought … you didn’t want to be friends anymore.”

“There’s no way I could make other friends!” Kai shook his head. “I don’t even know how I became friends with you … but even if I had other friends … you’re special. If I had other friends, you’d be my best friend!”

“You’d be my best friend too. So please rely on me more, Kai! I want to at least help with other stuff while you do your things in your head.”

“I’ll try …”

Eventually - but not right now.

Right now, the sky was blue, he had his lunch to finish, and Shin was right beside him.

Right now, Kai wasn’t afraid.

Chapter Text

“Oi,” Shin intercepted a piece of chalk with his foot before it would hit the ground and shatter. “You shouldn’t make a mess,” he glared at his classmates that were fooling around before the class started.

“Ehhh, why do you care?”

“Shinsuke-kun is such a goody-two-shoes now, haha!”

“Did you know? His dad had to come to the school last year!”

“Shinsuke-kun, Shinsuke-kun! What, are you gonna hit me too? Yaaay, I’ll be able to buy a new bike with your dad’s money, hahaha!”

“Oh guys look, it says here Kaichi-kun is on cleaning duty today! Hey, Kaichi-kun! Why are you hiding back there?”

“He sent his dog to get us, coward!”

“Hahaha, did you hear, Shinsuke-kun? That’s what you are! Kaichi-kun’s dog, hahaha!”

Kai watched as Shin averted his gaze, quietly putting down the chalk and returning to his desk at the back. He was worried. Shin almost got into a fight. And people were looking at them. And did they- was that what their new classmates thought of Shin?

He couldn’t focus during the class.

Shin probably couldn’t either.

Their eyes met several times.

Eventually, they just stayed like that - looking only at each other.

Once more, Kai wished other people just didn’t exist.

Especially the classmates who started following them around during lunch breaks and making jokes about Kai taking his dog for a walk. That was hard to listen to. He didn’t know what he’d done wrong. Sure, he’d never had friends before, and he assumed most people didn’t even know he was there, and if they did, they probably didn’t like him, but … he’d never really been targeted like that before.

He’d managed to avoid that … until now.

And it was starting to … slowly … eat away at him.

Because lunch breaks were supposed to be happy, that was time he could always spend with Shin, just the two of them, he didn’t want other people-

“Kai, let’s go.”

“H-Huh?”

Before he realized, Shin had pulled him into the hallway, mixing into the crowd and tightly holding Kai’s hand as he dragged him … upstairs? Not outside where they usually ate their lunch? Were they going to the roof this time? No, Shin took him into the top floor hallway, past the labs and empty club rooms, to the very end where he pulled at one of the doors, and it opened.

“Get in,” he nudged him inside, quickly closing the door behind them. “There … they won’t find us here.”

“The … music club room?” Kai frowned, looking at the dusty drum kit and guitar cases in the back.

“I dunno. I was just looking around yesterday and the lock gave when I shoved a paper clip into it.”

“You broke in!?”

“Yeah.”

Oh no. Oh no, that was definitely something they were not supposed to do, what if a teacher finds them, what if-

“Don’t worry about it,” Shin stepped closer, pulling Kai into his arms and holding him tight. “If anything bad happens, I’ll say it was my fault.”

“Shin …”

“... I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re getting bullied because of me. I’m sorry you have to think about those assholes too now … I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too! I’m sorry for all the names they call you …”

“I don’t mind,” Shin shook his head, holding Kai even closer. “So what if I’m your dog … I’d be the happiest dog in the world.”

“But you’re not a dog …”

“I don’t care what I am. I just want to keep you safe. And I can’t even … do that …”

“It’s okay,” Kai insisted, finally returning the hug. “I feel safe right now. And it wasn’t that much work … it’s just … they kept ruining the time that was only supposed to be for you …”

“Y-Yeah … even if just for a little bit, I don’t want to … I don’t want to share you with anyone else.”

“I don’t want to think about anyone else either,” Kai smiled. “... sometimes, I wish it were just you. I wish you were the whole world,” he added quietly.

“Me too.”

It never ceased to surprise him how similar he and Shin were - even once the surprise had slowly begun to turn into comfort, and yet another way in which Kai felt safe around him.

Shin asked around about the music club the week after, and it turned out they were on hiatus after the third years graduated and no new members joined. Apparently some other clubs asked to use the room, but the school left it off limits to store the music equipment somewhere. Not very securely, mind you, if all it took was some of Shin’s persistence and a paper clip to get in.

But it did mean they had a place to themselves at school now … and they used it a lot.

Usually at lunch.

Sometimes after school too, if Shin didn’t have practice and they just wanted to be alone.

They did homework together, or talked, or hid by the window and stared outside at the courtyard, watching their peers pass by where no one could see them. Sometimes, Kai brought his drawing supplies with him, and Shin watched in silence as he covered page after page in his sketchbook.

Kai figured that was best - silence.

But sometimes, if they stayed really late, Shin figured all the other clubs had already gone home anyway, and he didn’t mind making a little bit of noise with the instruments in the room. He’d tap the drums, or hit the metal triangle, or plug in the keyboard and press all the black buttons left to right and then all the white buttons right to left on the lowest volume.

Most of it was just to pass the time.

But there was one guitar that he kept coming back to, taking it out of its case and strumming at it pointlessly while Kai colored in his sketches. Whenever he looked up from the sketchbook, Shin was almost always looking at him - even if he was doing something else. But with that guitar in his hands, all of Shin’s attention was transfixed somewhere else, sometimes for ten or twenty minutes at a time.

And Kai suddenly understood why Shin always stared at him when he was drawing: he found the sight of Shin trying to play the guitar completely captivating too.

Chapter Text

“Happy birthday, Shin!” Kai barely contained his excitement as they met up at their hiding spot after school.

“Thank you! Do you wanna get ice cream later?”

“Yes! But you should open your gifts first,” Kai smiled, handing him two gift-wrapped items again.

“I get two this year too? What couldn’t you choose between this time, I wonder …”

“... this time, I wanted you to have both!”

“Oh, okay. Let’s see … hmm? Are these for the guitar?” He asked, holding up a small box of guitar picks that rattled in his hand.

“Mhm! I got you the blue ones.”

“... thanks. And this?” He held up the other gift and slowly tore away the wrapping paper, revealing a book for learning to play the guitar.

“It’s so that you can actually play!” Kai explained.

“... oh. Is it annoying if I just … pluck at it … ?”

“No? Not at all!”

“Then why …”

“... I thought you liked the guitar,” Kai mumbled.

“I think I do …”

“Wouldn’t it be cool to play it then?”

Shin shook the picks back and forth a few more times, watching them move through the transparent lid of the box. He slowly took one out, and walked over to where the guitar was resting against the wall in its case. He pulled the zipper open, and with it still inside the case, ran the pick across the strings of the guitar.

It sounded a bit different than all the other times.

He repeated the same motion a few more times, eventually letting the quiet sound get muffled by the voices of other kids heading home outside.

“Kai, how does it feel to do something you like?”

“... it’s- what, you mean like drawing? It’s nice.”

“Does it have a tab in your head too? Is it work? Or is it safe?”

“It’s safe,” Kai smiled.

“... I like your safe places,” Shin mumbled, his hand slipping around the neck of the guitar and holding on tight. “Maybe I should have some of my own too. Does this count as a hobby?”

“Learning the guitar? I think so!”

“... is it lame that I’ve never had a hobby until I turned 15?”

It was, kinda. Or maybe not lame, just … sad. And frustrating. And infuriating. And helpless.

So Kai wouldn’t say it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Shin’s only been around for a year anyway, that’s not a lot of time to find a hobby. You’re early!”

“... yeah. I am. Thank you so much, Kai … I’ll give it a shot. Do you want ice cream now?”

“Mhm. Let’s go!”

From then on, Shin practiced every day at lunch, and the afternoons that weren’t soccer practice were all about guitar practice now too.

Sometimes, Kai didn’t even draw anymore - he just watched Shin mess around with the chords. First the ones from the book, then others he looked up on his phone to try playing some of the songs he’d heard on the radio. Was he a fast learner? Kai had no way of knowing … but it was great to watch him.

It felt like Shin smiled a lot more now, to the point that Kai worried if he’d be depressed over the summer when he couldn’t play the guitar. But of course, Shin was still from a totally different world at the end of the day, and buying his own guitar with his pocket money apparently wasn’t a big deal to him at all.

It was a way bigger deal that they went to buy it together on the first day of summer break, and that Kai’s aunt said it was fine to play the guitar in his room, and that they tuned it together, and that Kai was the first person Shin played his own guitar for. That’s what Shin said, at least - even if Kai struggled to believe him.

But with evening after evening of drawing by the open balcony as Shin played the guitar beside him … he got used to that too.

“Which high school will you apply to?”

“I don’t know yet,” Kai sighed, his fingers trembling with excitement as they moved over the texture of the high quality paper in the sketchbook Shin had bought for his birthday.

He didn’t even open the new marker pens yet - he felt like he would collapse if he pulled the wrapping paper back any further and it was actually the full range 29 color set.

And if Shin was asking him something, it was more important than marker pens anyway.

Although even he was still tuning the guitar after asking the question … almost like it was just something to get over with and move on. An uncomfortable conversation he didn’t want to have.

Kai wanted to ask about his plans too. But he knew by now that it would be entirely pointless to even try.

“... which high school is Shinsuke-kun going to?”

Shin’s grip on the guitar tightened, his hands jumping at the name … as if they were suddenly talking about a third person in the room that neither of them wanted to even acknowledge, much less consider when it came to their future.

“I still don’t know,” he answered quietly. “They haven’t decided yet.”

“... they don’t want you in Nada, do they?”

“I think my mom would. For the status alone. But dad doesn’t like it.”

“Mhm.”

“I was gonna ask how they feel about Zeze once they’re back from vacation.”

“In Otsu?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s not far …“

“Yeah. And they have an art club.”

Their eyes met, and Kai didn’t know what to do with the sudden burst of hope in his chest.

“... Shin …”

“If you would- I mean … if you wanted to,” Shin looked away, biting his lip. “If you wanted to stay together … I think you wouldn’t have a bad time at Zeze.”

“I don’t need an art club,” Kai blurted out.

“Ha?”

“I’d be too nervous to join one anyway. And I don’t know what university I want to go to either. And even once I decide that, it probably doesn’t matter - arts are super flexible, I don’t need to do the right program at the right high school, the portfolio matters a lot more, I just have to keep on working on my skills … so I don’t need an art club. But I do need you, Shin.”

“Kai …”

“Go wherever you have to go,” he mumbled stubbornly, clutching the sketchbook to his chest. “I’ll follow you. If it’s not fighting for the top 40 spots at Nada, I think I can manage to get in at most other places.”

“You’re always ahead of me in points,” Shin laughed, flicking a guitar pick at Kai’s head to snap him out of it. “If you’re not getting in somewhere, neither am I!”

“Oh …”

“Which is a relief, honestly. I’ll make sure I always stay just a bit behind you, Kai. So they can’t send me somewhere where you can’t follow.”

“... we’ll really stay together then?”

“Yeah. We will - I promise.”

“It’s a deal! Have you read up on Zeze already?”

“Yeah, they have lots of stuff on their website.”

“I need to catch up then! Show me …”

“Get your laptop … here, it’s not a long commute - and we’ll take the train together, that sounds fun, right?”

“M-Maybe …”

“Oh. Is that gonna take up new tabs in your head too?”

“Mhm. Lots,” Kai sighed, leaning on Shin’s shoulder as he clicked around the school’s website. “I am already preparing myself for it.”

“Hmm … hey, would it help if you don’t have all the tabs open at once?”

“... I guess?”

“Then let’s go to Otsu next week!”

“What!?”

“Let’s take the train now, when it’s gonna be pretty empty. And let’s go see the school, at least from the gate. Then those things won’t be new anymore if we go there next year, right?”

“...”

“Or is that, like, not good?”

“No, Shin, that’s … that’s genius! You’d really go with me?”

“Yeah. Of course,” Shin nodded, resting his head on top of Kai’s as they looked through the classroom pictures together. “... but I did mean that about the art club, by the way. I think you should do it. It’ll look good on your university applications, and … you love art. You should be around people who are gonna help you get better at it.”

Kai wanted to say that he can’t draw if he’s terrified. That he wouldn’t be able to do anything at an art club. That it would be too much.

But Shin was right. And Kai knew he was right.

“... I’ll join the art club in high school if you join the music club,” he added after a while, as assertive as he could possibly be.

Shin sighed, scrolling over the club list again.

There wasn’t just one music club, there were several - including guitar.

It was basically perfect, wasn’t it?

“I think dad would prefer the student council, or the debate club,” Shin sighed. “And mom would probably want me to try for the soccer team again … although I could probably … yeah, I think there’s a way to spin this into something about broadening horizons, and collaborating with others, and having interesting things to put on my Kobe application that will set me aside from other candidates … I think if I bring up that soccer has nothing to do with Business Administration either, I might get somewhere. So I’ll try … can that be enough, Kai? I can’t promise they’ll let me … but if I at least try, will you still do the art club?”

“Mhm, of course!”

“It’s a deal then.”

They laughed together, and shook hands.

The first thing that Kai drew in his new sketchbook that summer was the entrance of - hopefully - their future high school, with Shin right in the middle looking up from the gate.

If he gets nervous next year … if there are too many people … he’ll just close his eyes and pretend it’s a scorching summer day, and there’s no one there except for him and Shin.