Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

At twenty-three years old, Soobin should have learned by now that life has a twisted sense of humor. 

He’s nineteen all over again and Yeonjun’s in front of him for the very first time. They don’t know each other, but they can’t stop their eyes from wandering, wide open, in a vain attempt to absorb every single detail they can. 

He knows there’s an expression for this, for what he’s experiencing right now. Two words in a foreign language. He’s sure Yeonjun must know, he always knew about these kinds of things, the expression for when you feel you have lived something before. 

But this is wrong. 

They should be in the middle of a hall full of students, not in an almost empty apartment. And Yeonjun, he shouldn’t be looking at him like that. He should have a glint in his eyes, a certainty about something Soobin doesn't know yet and won’t know until months later. He shouldn’t have his mouth just so slightly open, eyes round in surprise. It’s wrong, it shouldn’t be like this. Soobin feels like he’s going to drown.

A dry cough breaks the silence. It comes out in such a fake manner that in any other situation he would have made fun of it.

“Do you know each other?” Minhyuk asks, after coughing again. 

Just then Soobin realizes he’s been holding his breath. He forces himself to inhale as slowly as he can not to humiliate himself and make it too obvious. His eyes go to Minhyuk before they return to Yeonjun, who is still staring at him. Soobin should answer, he knows, he should say something. He opens his mouth, but what’s the correct answer? He’s not sure so he closes his mouth. They do know each other, but it’s been so long, does it still count as a yes? He should just say yes, they do, so he opens his mouth just to close it once again because what if he wants to know more?

“We know each other from university,” Yeonjun answers in the end, bowing slightly as a greeting. His voice, Soobin thinks. His stomach does a full twist but still bows in return. Yeah, right. That’s a good answer.

Minhyuk hums, and Soobin looks at him. Sometimes it’s still bizarre how much they look alike. Is Yeonjun thinking about it right now? Just then it occurs to Soobin to wonder how they know each other. He met Minhyuk while working for the university’s radio. At first, they were awestruck by their resemblance and then they realized they had some things in common, so they kept talking and became friends. But when did Yeonjun meet Minhyuk? Soobin’s mind betrays him and something bitter goes up in his throat, but he forces himself to swallow it. He shouldn’t care. He really shouldn’t care.

“That’s good,” Minhyuk replies. He’s looking at Soobin, like he’s waiting for something, for Soobin to disagree. Or maybe Soobin’s just being paranoid. He can’t answer anyway, his tongue feels too heavy inside his mouth and he’s not sure he’s able to string together a full sentence without stutter. 

And even if he could, it’s not like he could say yes, we actually know each other well, extremely well. Or we used to. Because yes, they went to the same university, they met each other there and became friends. But most importantly, they were together. They were together for almost two years until they were not anymore. So yes, it’s a good thing, an incredible thing even, Minhyuk-hyung, considering we are supposed to be roommates. 

He could just tell Minhyuk he doesn’t feel good accepting his help and that he can stay with one of his friends until he solves things up. Maybe he can argue that after living alone for so long, it would be weird to have a roommate. Yeah, Minhyuk will understand for sure and won't ask any questions. 

God, not even Soobin can believe his own words. Not considering his current situation. 

Everything happened so quickly that he didn’t get to ask Minhyuk more questions. Once he told Minhyuk about his problem, the older man told Soobin he had a solution for him. He had an apartment, and he had already rented it to an old friend, but he needed a roommate. According to Minhyuk it was destiny, since the other person was in a kind of urgent situation as well. Soobin tried to protest, but Minhyuk told him he didn’t need to worry about anything but packing his things. 

“Well, I’ll show you your room and then we can go and bring your things upstairs.” 

Soobin tries to focus on Minhyuk talking about the walls, the double-pane windows, and the heating system. About how the wooden floor sometimes creaks but there’s nothing to worry about, something about the laundry and another thing about a convenience store across the street. He tries, but all he can think about is the fact that Yeonjun is just a few steps away. Soobin didn’t think he was going to see him soon, or he didn’t allow himself to after the first year passed and Beomgyu told him Yeonjun was going to stay abroad for probably another year. 

Soobin would like to know what he’s thinking about right now. Minhyuk probably told Yeonjun he had found him a roommate but didn’t give him a name. 

“And well, I think that’s all,” Minhyuk sighs while stretching his back. He looks at Soobin before looking beyond the bedroom’s door and then back to Soobin. He must know something’s off, but he can’t tell exactly what, and he’s too nice to ask questions. At least right now. “Look, I know it’s not the newest apartment, but I really want to help you. It would make me really happy if you just accepted my offer.”

Soobin feels miserable. Because he knows Minhyuk does worry about him and that he’s doing this with the best of intentions, completely unaware of the situation in which he’s putting Soobin. 

“Can I talk with Yeonjun-ssi first?” It’s so strange to call him like that, but what else is he supposed to do? 

“Ah, yeah, of course, go ahead,” Minhyuk answers too quickly. “You know what, I’ll go and talk with the downstairs neighbor, there’s something I want to ask.”

And just like that, he leaves the apartment. The main door closes with a loud click, and his heart starts racing. He’s too nervous, he feels like he’s going to explode. But he knows he needs to talk with Yeonjun, so he forces his body to move out of the room. 

He’s on the balcony, looking down to the street. The sliding door is not completely closed, and the breeze makes the thin blinds move. It’s too cold to be out there, but he guesses Yeonjun must be feeling as nervous as he does. 

When he opens the door, the hairs on his arms and on the back of his neck stand, but Soobin is not certain whether it’s because of the change of temperature or because he’s anxious. Yeonjun turns to him, and there’s it again, the twist in his stomach and the feeling of being about to drown. 

“Hi,” Yeonjun mumbles softly, greeting him again, like they’re seeing each other for the first time. His hand is holding onto the metal railing of the balcony, like he needs to steady himself. Soobin doesn’t like it. Maybe he’s just reading too much into the gesture. Maybe Yeonjun just put his hand there. 

“Hi,” Soobin mumbles back. His voice doesn’t come out weird, but he clears his throat anyway. There are many things he wants to ask, but he doesn’t feel allowed to. Still, there’s one thing he needs to know. “When did you come back? Beomgyu didn’t say anything.”

“Just a week ago,” he explains before looking down to the street. They’re on the ninth floor, and Soobin tries not to think about how cruel life is. The ninth of each month used to be their day. “I told Beomgyu not to say anything, at least not until I had found a place to stay.” 

Soobin nods at his answer, not sure about what to say next. He shouldn’t feel hurt, there’s no point. So, he jokes about it instead, “It must have been difficult for him, you know how much he likes to talk.”

Yeonjun smiles. A genuine smile, and Soobin feels something inside of him relax. 

“I can’t believe this is happening, it feels like a joke from the universe, doesn’t it?” 

Soobin can’t do anything but nod, copying Yeonjun’s smile. 

“Yeah, it kind of does.”

“How have you been?” Yeonjun asks, and Soobin isn’t sure what the proper answer is.

“I’ve been better, but I’m not doing bad either,” he says in the end. “What about you, how was France?”

He’s genuinely curious about it. Before they broke up, one of Yeonjun’s professors told him about the scholarships to study abroad. He wanted to apply for just one semester since it was easier to get accepted, but Soobin was certain Yeonjun was good enough to receive a full-year scholarship. Yeonjun used to say that if he was so sure about it, about Yeonjun’s talent, then Soobin should start to save money, because there was no way that Yeonjun could go a full year without him.

And then, two years passed like nothing. 

“Beautiful, crowded and fucking expensive,” Yeonjun sighs but there’s a smile on his face. “It was hard from time to time, but I loved it. I learnt a lot, I even got to work for a dance academy for a year, that’s why I didn’t come back right away.”

“I’m glad,” Soobin answers, and he’s being honest. He knows how hard Yeonjun worked for it. “Did you learn how to speak French, though?”

Yeonjun giggles and shakes his head. 

“I would like to consider myself fluent enough, like, I can sing the Ratatouille song without a problem, but don’t tell anybody from France that’s how I explain my level of French.” 

Soobin mimics Yeonjun’s smile once again, and it feels easy. Almost if time hadn’t passed. But then, Yeonjun’s expression changes.

“What are we going to do?”

“What do you mean?” Soobin asks back. “You already signed a contract. Being honest I’m a bit desperate to find a place, but I can tell Minhyuk-hyung I’m not sure about it. You don’t have to worry.”

The last thing Soobin wants is for Yeonjun to worry. 

“It wouldn’t feel right,” he argues. “Maybe I can speak with Minhyuk-ssi.”

“No, it’s okay, besides, he told me you needed the apartment too.” Yeonjun opens his mouth to reply but he doesn’t say anything. “So, he’s right, you do need it.”

Yeonjun grimaces at the question. 

“Yeah, I kind of do, that’s why I signed right away even if I didn’t know with whom I was going to live with,” he sighs. “They offered me a job here in Seoul, so going back to my parent’s is not an option. But I feel like everything became even more expensive than it used to be, it was hell to find a good apartment, especially in such a short time.” 

The sky is setting, and the warm yellow light makes Yeonjun’s orange hair glow. He looks pretty, Soobin thinks. It suits him. 

“What about you?” Yeonjun asks then. 

“Mmh?”

“You said you were desperate,” Yeonjun explains while throwing him a glance before looking back at the street. “Why?”

“Ah,” Soobin mumbles, feeling a bit ashamed having to explain it. “Let’s say I had to leave my apartment. I graduated and I can’t rely on my parents anymore, and I tried to find a place on my own, but you’re right, everything is too expensive nowadays.”

“I know I probably shouldn’t ask,” Yeonjun starts, “but did something happen with your parents?”

Now it’s Soobin’s turn to grimace at the question. “It’s just the same as always, my dad still doesn’t like what I decided to study. He was still waiting for me to change my mind and do something different with my life. I guess graduating made things feel more definitive for him. Before the ceremony we fought, and he terminated the contract with the landlord without telling me. I just received the notice that I had to leave in a month. So, well, things are quite complicated right now.”

“I’m sorry,” Yeonjun mutters.

“It’s nothing, after all this time I kind of made peace with it.” 

“Yeah, but it still sucks.” Soobin just laughs at his answer. There’s nothing he can do to change his dad’s mind. 

“Yeah, it kind of does."

They’re finally looking at each other without shying away, and Soobin sees a glint in Yeonjun’s eyes that he recognizes. He’s thinking, reflecting on an idea, and he should be afraid. 

“Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun calls him, and Soobin knows. “Would it be too bad if you just accepted Minhyuk’s offer? At least until one of us can find a better place to stay.”

“Hyung,” he says as a warning without thinking. He shouldn’t be calling him like that. He feels so dumb, but Yeonjun is being dumber. 

“You need a place to stay, and I do too, what else are we supposed to do? Besides, from what I understood, your stuff is already downstairs, you really have nowhere else to go or you wouldn’t be in this situation.” 

He’s right. It hurts his pride, but he’s right. Still, he wants to argue, tell him it is the worst thing they could do, and that he knows it. But right when he’s about to tell him so, Minhyuk enters the apartment with two of the many boxes filled with Soobin’s stuff. 

“Yah, don’t stare at me like a fish and help me bring your things here.”

Soobin guesses, this is how things are right now. He lost control over his life and destiny is just laughing on his face. Nice. 

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

After bringing up his belongings, Soobin invites Minhyuk to eat. However, as he works in a radio station during the afternoons, he must go already. Soobin bows deeply to him, and the older man tries to tell him that it’s nothing, that Soobin still has to pay the rent. But Soobin is thankful nevertheless. 

The click of the door’s lock once Minhyuk leaves makes Soobin conscious that he’s once again alone with Yeonjun, that it will happen constantly. 

And as if he needed confirmation, Yeonjun comes out of his room. 

“Are you hungry?” He asks. It seems like he took a nap or at least he drowsed up a bit. His hair is slightly messy, and he has this puffiness in his eyes he only gets when he sleeps or eats something too spicy. 

“Yeah, kinda,” he replies. “Minhyuk said something about a convenience store?"

“Do you want to go out to eat?” Yeonjun asks instead of answering Soobin’s question. “There's a place nearby.” 

Soobin feels like his tongue is too heavy inside his mouth again. He doesn’t know what to say, dumbfounded by the question. 

“Yah, don’t look at me like that,” Yeonjun scolds before letting out a big sigh. “We should talk, like really talk about this, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to do it here. We will be weird about it, at least if we eat, we will have something else to do.”

Soobin hasn’t stopped feeling dumb since the day started. 

“And I’m hungry too and I don’t feel like cooking,” he adds, almost pouting. 

“Okay,” Soobin says after sighing. Yeah, they should talk.  

That’s how they end up in a small restaurant two streets down. There are people at almost every table, but it doesn’t feel packed. Yeonjun picked a table next to the window and raised his hand right away to call the attention of one of the waitresses. A girl with blonde hair brings them the menu and writes down their order. Yeonjun says something about how good the ramen is, that he missed food so much while he was in France, that he met a Thai girl there and they would often go out very late at night just to go and eat at a Vietnamese restaurant they found one day. He’s nervous, talking about whatever that comes to his mind. But it doesn’t bother Soobin, he always liked to hear him talk. 

“You know, I did want to talk with you, but I wasn’t sure about how to do it or when,” Yeonjun confesses suddenly. He’s leaning back in the chair, and his voice is firm, but his hands are under the table and Soobin knows he must be playing with his fingers or rubbing his knees. “And I was afraid you wouldn’t want to talk with me or if asking something like that was going to annoy you.”

Soobin shakes his head. It would have been okay. If Yeonjun had asked for that a year ago, it would still have been okay. So, he says it. 

“It would have been okay, hyung. I mean, it was surprising to see you today, but it was because I didn’t know you were back.” 

“I’m sorry about that,” he sighs, “everything happened so fast, they contacted me and then I had to buy the tickets, pack my stuff, and say goodbye to everything. I just told Beomgyu and Wooyoung I was coming back.”

And then, for the first time that day, Soobin thinks about something that gives him goosebumps.

“We have to tell Gyu.” 

And Yeonjun's reaction is instantaneous. He puts his elbows on the table and hides his face behind his hands. 

“Don’t remind me, he’s going to kill us,” he whimpers. 

“You know, I thought he was going to hate me, after all he was your friend first,” Soobin admits, now that they are talking about this. 

Soobin met Beomgyu because the younger boy was Yeonjun’s friend for some reason. Maybe Yeonjun just had the tendency to befriend absolute losers. The thing is, he and Soobin quickly became friends since they were in the same program and shared a lot of interests. Yet, Soobin thought their friendship was doomed once he and Yeonjun broke up. And in fact, the first months were weird, especially while Yeonjun was still in Seoul. But then, as time passed, they grew even closer to the point that they consider each other as their best friend. That’s why he’s surprised Beomgyu didn’t tell him absolutely nothing about Yeonjun, not even a warning. 

“He didn’t have reasons to hate you,” Yeonjun mumbles. “I just think we put him in a difficult situation because he felt the pressure to be there for both of us.”

The thing is, Soobin and Yeonjun didn’t break up on bad terms. They bickered a lot, but they never fought. They didn’t cheat; there wasn’t even a stupid message that could have gone misinterpreted. And they certainly didn’t fall out of love. Still, they broke up. Nobody but them understood a thing, they just had to break up. Because even if they didn’t like to admit it back then, they were hurting each other. 

The thought of it makes Soobin feel like his throat is closing, but luckily the waitress appears at that moment with their drinks. He sips from the fizzy liquid slowly, and Yeonjun does the same. Is strange, but silence doesn’t feel weird. At least not now. Yeonjun was right, talking amidst other people eating and chatting makes it easier. The lump on his throat dissolves and he hums. 

“I feel kind of bad for Minhyuk too, he just wanted to help us,” Yeonjun adds. 

“I guess we can always tell him the truth if things get too uncomfortable,” Soobin replies and Yeonjun looks at him. He really looks at him and Soobin sees his shoulders moving, he must be doing something with his hands. He’s nervous. 

“You’re okay with him knowing? I mean— does he know?” 

Soobin has been feeling dumb, but he understands what Yeonjun means right away. 

“Yeah, he knows I’m gay.” 

He doesn’t whisper it. He doesn’t even lower his voice. He just says it. He’s been saying it out loud for the past year actually, but it’s the first time Yeonjun hears it while they’re out in a public space, with strangers around them. His eyes open up slightly, but he doesn’t make a fuss over it. He simply nods. 

“And I’m okay with him knowing about us, but I don’t want him to feel bad.” 

Yeonjun nods again, he’s about to say something but then food is served. It smells so good that Soobin starts salivating. With everything that happened today he didn’t have time to eat. Luckily, Yeonjun is as eager to eat as him, and he grabs the chopsticks right away. 

“So, about living together,” Yeonjun starts after a moment of them just devouring their food. “Are you really okay with it? And don’t answer right away, think about it.”

Soobin munches the noodles in his mouth and tries to do what Yeonjun just said. Is he okay with it? He hasn’t reflected on the “Yeonjun theme” in so long that he’s not sure. Will it make him miserable? Not as if this had happened a year ago. Will it be weird? Yeah, it will be weird from time to time. But at the same time, he did think twice or thrice about talking with Yeonjun again, about being friends. He missed him so much, in so many ways, but as time passed, he just missed the silliest things. Sometimes he saw something funny or heard a good song and he felt the urge to show it to Yeonjun. But he wasn’t there anymore.

“I think so, hyung,” he replies in the end. “I wanted to talk with you like this at some point too, I guess enough time has passed.”

Yeonjun hums softly. 

“And you,” Soobin asks back, “are you okay with this?”

He looks somewhere beyond Soobin for a moment, sighing deeply before answering. 

“I don’t feel bad right now, I’m actually happy to see you, but I’m still worried that at some point we’re going to fight over something or be weird about this.”

Now it’s Soobin’s turn to hum.

“But I know we never fought, and I believe we can always talk things through,” Yeonjun continues. “We just need to be honest, and I think it would be fine.”

He looks once again at Soobin, like he’s weighing his words. “We used to be good friends after all; we should be okay.”

Soobin wants to believe him, because he’s right, they used to be good friends. 

Until everything happened.

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Soobin woke up late that day. He left in such a hurry that he picked the first sweater he saw, without bothering to wear a t-shirt under. He had been regretting it all morning because every time he moved the fabric made his skin itch. 

He was in the hall with some of his classmates, waiting for the next class. They were talking about where to go to have dinner later, half of them were from Seoul so they were giving recommendations to the other half. Soobin was trying to absorb as much information as possible, but between how fast they were talking, the amount of people in the hall, the noise that seemed to come from every corner and the stupidly urgent desire to violently scratch his chest and back, Soobin was too overstimulated to process anything at all. Without intending to, his attention started to wander from his classmates, floating around the place, eyes staring into nothingness. 

Until he saw a blue spot in the sea of students. 

His eyes regained focus just as the blue blob turned around. 

Soobin saw Yeonjun for the first time in the hall of the art department. His hair was a bold shade of blue. His eyes were sharp yet soft, a combination Soobin didn’t know how to describe back then. His cheeks were puffy, and his lips were full, the upper one slightly fuller, making him look like he was pouting. Pretty. He was so pretty, the prettiest person Soobin had ever seen in real life. Their eyes met and Soobin should’ve looked away, but he couldn’t, he just stared like a fool. 

Soobin doesn’t know what Yeonjun saw. If Yeonjun still had a baby face back then, Soobin doesn’t want to think about how he used to look like. He changed the most between the two during the time they were together. Yet, he still remembers the way in which something in Yeonjun’s eyes changed, making him feel ashamed all the sudden after staring for so long. He looked away and only then he realized that his mouth was open, making him feel self-conscious. Enough not to look back at Yeonjun.

He didn’t know his name, and he was too shy to ask. However, it turned out not to be necessary. Everyone knew who Yeonjun was, sooner or later you got to know about him. 

During the first semester nothing happened, Soobin learned how to move in Seoul, made friends and got used to his classes' pace. And he continued to see Yeonjun in the hallways. He was just the popular student from the dance program. 

Until he appeared in one of Soobin’s classes during the second semester. 

He just went and sat right next to Soobin, like that was his assigned seat. 

“Pretty,” Yeonjun said, and Soobin turned to him, probably with the dumbest expression ever, making a ‘huh’ sound that just made it worse. But Yeonjun paid it no mind, he just pointed to Soobin’s wrist. “Your bracelets, they are pretty, I like the beads.” 

And just like that, they started talking. They were so different. Yeonjun liked fashion, and Soobin used to wear hoodies six out of the seven days of the week. Soobin was into games, and Yeonjun couldn’t win a match even if his life depended on it. But at the same time, they shared views and tastes in the most absurd things. Soobin doesn’t know how talking in classes became going out to have lunch, then spending the afternoon strolling around the city. Suddenly, Yeonjun was accompanying him to silly anime events, even if he didn’t watch a single episode. And Soobin would find himself watching some dance performance on a Thursday night even if he had classes early the next day. They spent so much time together that Soobin couldn’t remember what he would normally do on a Friday night after classes if not going out with Yeonjun to some arcade to spend ridiculous amounts of money, or to an underground gig because Yeonjun liked hip hop a little too much, or simply lazing around in each other’s apartment playing a game or listening to music. 

Soobin isn’t sure at which moment lines started to become blurry, at which moment they started holding hands, spending whole weekends together, telling each other sweet things out of nowhere. They were so different, yet Soobin fell in love. 

How could he not? 

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The next day, their first day living together, they go to buy random things for the apartment. Yeonjun brought some of the things from his old apartment that were in his parent’s house and Soobin had a couple of things as well. But they were still missing some others, so last night they decided to go on a shopping spree. 

It’s not like they needed to go together, but at the same time, Soobin supposes that if they cannot go through a store to buy a microwave and some pans then they’re doomed to fail. 

“This one looks good, I guess,” Yeonjun mumbles with a pan in his hand, he gives it a spin, looks at the price and then shrugs before placing it in the cart. 

“You were saying something,” Soobin reminds him when he doesn’t continue with what he was talking about. 

“Ah, yeah,” Yeonjun eyes a wok now, Soobin lets him choose because he’s the expert between them. He learned how to bake, but his cooking skills are still depressive. “I was saying that Paris was expensive, I mean, here it’s expensive too, but Paris was too much sometimes.”

He puts the wok in the cart and starts looking at the cutting boards. 

“But that wasn’t what made me take the final decision to come back, it was nice, but it gets tiring at some point.”

“What do you mean?” Soobin asks, resting his elbows in the cart. 

“I made really good friends, and I enjoyed my job there, but I missed my family a lot.” He chuckles and Soobin raises an eyebrow. “One time I got too drunk, and I started crying because I missed Beomgyu so much. We argue every single time we are together, but I cried like a baby because I couldn’t be with him during his birthday. Which ones?”

The question takes him a bit by surprise, but he quickly signals the cutting boards that seem sturdier even if they’re more expensive. Yeonjun grabs one in light and other in dark wood. 

“And I missed the food,” Yeonjun adds. 

“Isn’t French cuisine like the best thing ever?” Soobin genuinely asks. 

Yeonjun grimaces and moves his head to the sides. 

“I mean, it’s good, but some things aren’t as good as they make it sound.” Soobin hums at his answer. “And honestly, there’s a point where you get so homesick that you would kill to eat a kimbap that doesn’t taste like plastic.” 

They walk to another aisle, Yeonjun is now looking for curtains for his bedroom. Soobin thinks about something, and he already knows he’s going to piss Yeonjun. But well, there’s nothing wrong with trying.

“Hyung?” Yeonjun hums at him, eyes fixed on the prices. “Say something in French.”

Yeonjun looks at him a bit dumbfounded, and then he rolls his eyes.

“I’m not going to do it.”

“Why?” he insists. 

“What am I even supposed to say? You won’t understand a thing.”

“Then you can say whatever you want.” 

“Download Duolingo or something if you want to listen to nonsense in French,” he scoffs. 

“Boring.” Soobin mutters. 

Yeonjun rolls his eyes once again. He looks back at the curtains and Soobin sighs. Well, at least he tried. 

“Yah, Soobin,” Yeonjun calls him after checking some blinds. “T'es bête, mais juste un tout petit peu.” 

Yeonjun was right, he didn’t understand a single thing. Yet, it sounded pretty. The phonemes are so different from how Korean sounds, yet Yeonjun pronounced them with ease. Or at least that’s how Soobin felt it. 

“Wow,” Soobin replies after processing it. “Wow, hyung, what does it mean?”

“It means you’re such a smart person, Soobin-ah, the smartest in the world.”

And Soobin gets it right away.

“Yah, hyung, don’t lie, what does it mean?”

“I told you, it means you’re smart.” Yeonjun is not even looking at him, he’s pretending to be interested in the fabric of a navy-blue curtain. 

“You called me stupid, right?”

Yeonjun chuckles, but still tries to defend himself, “How could I say something like that? I’m telling you the truth, it’s a compliment!”

“If you’re going to lie to me, at least don’t laugh!”

And it only makes Yeonjun laugh louder. 

“Cute,” he mumbles in the end.

And while Yeonjun missed his family, fighting with Beomgyu and the food, Soobin missed this. Laughing with Yeonjun, even if he is laughing at him. He missed it so much and Soobin feels something heavy in his chest. 

Luckily, Yeonjun is too distracted picking a curtain to notice. 

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Later that day, Yeonjun goes out to have dinner with Wooyoung. His excitement was so palpable that even Soobin got a bit nervous. 

Now, he’s alone, and he knows he’s not sad, but the heavy thing in his chest is still there, it hasn’t left. 

He feels like calling Beomgyu. Yesterday he sent Soobin a message to know if he needed help, and later he sent another to know if everything went okay. He didn’t feel like telling Beomgyu about what happened, that he’s going to live with Yeonjun. Maybe he shouldn’t call him. Not now. 

Soobin thinks about playing a game, but he feels unable to focus enough to do so. Maybe he should make himself dinner, but he doesn’t feel hungry. In the end, he tries to watch a movie, but his mind is somewhere else. 

He can’t stop thinking about the last time he really talked with Wooyoung, beyond playing League and waving at each other at university. 

Soobin had been at the convenience store looking for something to eat. His appetite had been awful, and everything seemed bland. It had been like that since he broke up with Yeonjun two months ago. He was wondering what type of instant ramen he should buy; it was a hard decision considering every damn flavor of the brand he liked reminded him of a different date with Yeonjun. He felt like he was going crazy. Wooyoung found him there, looking for what to have for dinner in order not to cry himself to sleep. 

“Ah, Soobin-ah,” he called him. Soobin remembers he shook his head before looking at him. Wooyoung greeted him with a soft voice before opening his mouth again, just to grimace, opting not to say whatever he had been about to. 

“I won’t ask you stupid questions,” he said in the end. Soobin guessed later that he had wanted to ask how he was. “I wanted to talk with you, but I wasn’t sure, I guess this is a sign.”

“What is it?” He wondered, feeling already worried about whatever he was about to tell him. 

Soobin remembers Wooyoung was wearing a red hoodie. He’s shorter than him, and the fact that what he was wearing was so oversized didn’t help a thing. Still, Soobin felt small in front of him. 

“Yeonjun got the scholarship,” he said. 

And Soobin felt so happy, like he hadn’t felt in so long. He couldn’t stop the smile lifting the corners of his lips. He wanted to ask Wooyoung so many things, he wanted to know more. He felt so proud of Yeonjun. Suddenly all the sadness left his body, until he saw the expression on Wooyoung's face faltering. 

“But—” he started, and Soobin felt the weight returning to his shoulders, pressing his chest. “He hasn’t been doing well.” 

Wooyoung looked to the side, to where the shop’s entry was. Soobin doesn’t remember what time it was, but there were a lot of people walking down the street. 

“I still don’t understand why you two broke up, and I won’t ask you to explain to me what happened but—” Once again he paused himself, like he was conflicted and trying to pick the right words. “But he’s leaving next week.”

Soobin knew it wasn't possible, but he felt like the world stopped spinning for a whole second. 

“I’m not telling you this so you go after him, but could you send him a text or something? So, he doesn’t go with a heavy heart.”

He doesn’t remember what exact answer he gave to Wooyoung. But he does remember how his eyes looked. They never grew to be as close friends as what had happened with Beomgyu, but they were friends nevertheless, and he looked genuinely worried. He hugged him tight when he said goodbye. 

Soobin did text Yeonjun. 

He wrote the message time and time again in his phone’s notes before copying it in their chat.

Yeonjun's answer came back the next day. It was short, but it still made him cry so much that Soobin worried he had spent all the tears he had for this lifetime. 

During the rest of the year, he wondered how things could have been if he had gone to the airport, just like they do in the movies. Maybe they would have changed their minds about everything. Maybe Soobin would have worked his ass off during summer so he could have bought a ticket to go and see him. Maybe Yeonjun would have made a list of all the places he wanted to take Soobin to as they once talked about. 

Maybe things would have ended worse than they did. 

There was no point, he forced himself to believe.

Just like there was no point in remembering all of this now.

Chapter Text

“Hyung, are you not going to eat?” Taehyun asks, taking Soobin’s attention away from the lyrics he’s been working on since the morning. The younger boy has his head slightly tilted to one side, a gesture too cute for someone who doesn’t particularly enjoy being perceived as such. 

“I don’t feel like it, maybe later.” 

“I can buy you something if you’re too busy,” Taehyun tries again.

“I’m okay Taehyunie, thank you.” The boy looks at him with his big eyes and for a moment Soobin swears he’s trying to read his mind, but then he nods and tells Soobin to call him if he changes his mind. 

When Soobin is sure he’s far away, he exhales deeply. The truth is, he’s too anxious and sad to eat. Yeonjun and he decided to tell Beomgyu that they’re living together, he’s going to connect the dots sooner than later and lying will only make things worse. They decided to have dinner that day, or well, Yeonjun told Beomgyu to have dinner together, and Soobin will appear without saying a single thing to him. He shouldn’t be so nervous about it, but he can’t control it.

To make things worse, his mom called that morning. She wanted to know if everything was okay. Soobin used to text her frequently, but since the fight with his dad, he’s been avoiding her. He knows she loves him, but he can’t help to feel hurt with everything that happened. So, lately, Soobin has only been calling his sister. He knows she probably tells everything to his mom, but it’s easier to talk with her. The phone call is enough proof. He tries to sound normal, but as soon as he listens to her voice, he feels something heavy sinking into his chest. 

From time to time, he gets the urge to tell her everything. He fantasizes about one day taking a bus back home just to tell them that he’s gay, that he’s known since he was fourteen. He would like to tell them that he’s tired of hiding parts of himself just to make them happy, that sometimes it feels like they don’t truly love him because they don’t know him. He just wants to scream, because they don’t know how hard life has been just because he used to be so afraid to be who he is, and how unfair it is to, in addition, be judged for what he decided to do with his life. 

His phone rings one, then two times. It’s Taehyun. 

Hyunggg

I bought you sweet bread, do you want coffee too?

Soobin thinks that maybe, not everything has to be bad. He sighs once again before replying to the younger boy. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

When he arrives, Yeonjun is already there. Soobin’s been in this place before, Beomgyu brought him once. Soobin guesses he wanted Yeonjun to try their food since it opened after he left.  

Yeonjun chose a table next to the wall, for a moment Soobin isn’t sure where to sit, but he quickly decides that it’s better if they leave Beomgyu between them, so he pulls the chair in front of Yeonjun. 

“Hi,” he mumbles, and Yeonjun replies with the same tone. He’s nervous too. It’s such a dumb thing, but he knows why they’re nervous. 

They don’t have time to talk about anything at all because Beomgyu enters the restaurant. Soobin feels his heart go up in his throat and suddenly he regrets eating all the sweet bread Taehyun bought him. 

His reaction is immediate. Just like Soobin pictured it would be like. He strides to their table, with his eyebrows impossibly furrowed. 

“What are you doing here?” He asks too loudly considering where they are. “Why are you two together?” 

Yeonjun reacts quickly and grabs his arm, pulling him so he sits on the empty chair. 

“Don’t talk like that, you’re gonna get us kicked out.”

“You told me not to say anything to hyung! Why are you two together?” Beomgyu completely ignores Yeonjun’s words and insists with his questions. 

“Yah, I didn’t think it would hurt you so much not being able to talk,” Yeonjun snarls. 

The thing with Yeonjun is that he tends to put himself on the same level as Beomgyu, throwing off the window the fact that he’s older and that he should act more maturely. That’s why they always end up fighting. And inevitably, they will say the wrong thing from time to time. 

“It hurt because it made me feel like I was lying to him!” Beomgyu replies with the same bite. 

The waitress appears at that moment, and Soobin gets why Yeonjun loves to have important conversations in the middle of people having dinner. Nothing can grow too heated since sooner or later someone is going to interrupt you. Kind of smart and dumb at the same time if you ask him. 

“We have to tell you something,” Soobin starts once the waitress leaves. 

He immediately realizes he chose the wrong set of words. Yeonjun sighs and puts his face behind his hands. Beomgyu has his eyes wide open, and they go from Soobin to Yeonjun. 

“Choi Soobin don’t tell me you two—” 

“Whatever you’re thinking is not that!” He quickly replies, not letting him finish. Soobin wouldn’t survive that. 

“Then what the fuck is going on?!” 

So, they try to explain everything as quickly and simply as they can. Beomgyu already knows about Soobin’s issue with his dad. He knows Yeonjun signed the contract right away without knowing who his roommate was going to be too. Neither of them can rent an apartment by themselves right now. Therefore, Minhyuk’s offer was the only alternative. 

Still, Beomgyu reacts as if they had chosen to live together. 

“Are you two crazy?!” He scoffs, once again too loudly. 

“What else do you expect us to do? We’re telling you we can't rent anywhere else, not a decent place at least,” Yeonjun fights back. 

“I don’t know, one of you could stay with me, you could have told me right away and I’d have help you instead of doing whatever the fuck you’re doing!” 

“You live in a home studio, you think you can share a room with me for a whole weekend without going crazy?” Yeonjun demands, and Soobin would make fun of him because he’s fully pouting, but it’s not the right time to do so. Besides, even if he’s pouting his words come out harsh. 

“Then Soobin-hyung can stay with me since he has the patience that you don’t have!” He replies with the same tone. 

“Yah, we haven’t seen each other in years and that’s what you have to tell me?!”

“Yeah, because I didn’t think you would come back just to act stupid!”

“It’s not like I planned it, you dumbass!” 

Soobin’s had enough.

“Can you two stop acting like children, they’re going to kick us out,” he snarls. 

Maybe he spoke too firmly, voice even harsher than theirs. But both look at him with round eyes. Literally like scolded children. 

“Beomgyu,” he says in the end, “we’re telling you this because we didn’t want to lie to you, and we know we fucked up all those years ago when we put you in the middle of something you weren’t supposed to be. You were a good friend to us and we’re really sorry. That’s not going to happen again.”

“Thank you, I guess,” Beomgyu mumbles mockingly. His answer makes Soobin sigh. “You can explain all you want, but I’m sure you two haven’t talked.”

Again, the waitress interrupts the conversation. He leaves the different dishes on the table and then serves them their drinks. The three of them smile at her like they weren’t talking with spite just a few minutes ago. Yeonjun waits until she leaves to snap.

“We did talk.” 

“I don’t believe you.”

“Beomgyu,” Yeonjun insists, “we did talk, otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“I don’t care, I don’t believe you!”

“Can you two stop and act your age?” Soobin scolds them again. 

“Since when you speak so firmly and so full of superiority?” Beomgyu spits. Soobin knows he doesn’t really mean it, but still, he wants to scream and shake Beomgyu until he reasons like the adult he’s supposed to be. 

“Beomgyu,” Yeonjun scolds him this time, but not with a loud or harsh voice. He talks like he suddenly realized how tired he actually is. “You’re being rude.” 

Beomgyu’s eyes soften then, and so does his voice. 

“Sorry, hyung,” he mutters looking at Soobin. His eyes go to Yeonjun, and he swallows before repeating the same word. “Sorry.” 

Yeonjun clears his throat and straightens his back. He grabs the chopsticks in front of him and puts a piece of meat in Beomgyu’s bowl. 

“Yah, eat,” Yeonjun says. “It’s going to get cold.” 

Soobin repeats the motion and serves Beomgyu more meat. It’s dumb. Soobin feels dumb. They haven’t seen each other like this in so long, they shouldn’t be fighting. 

“How is your internship going?” Soobin asks then, trying to change the topic. 

It works, and not long after they’re talking like they used to do in the past. Beomgyu rants about his boss and begs Soobin to get him a job once he graduates. Then, he asks Yeonjun when he starts working and where the dance studio is, they want to try to have lunch together and Soobin says they’re going to end up bickering the whole hour. Yeonjun and Beomgyu try to defend themselves, but Soobin doesn’t buy them a single thing. 

It’s nice, so nice that Soobin forgets why they are eating together in the first place. Until Beomgyu asks, “So, how long are you going to live together?” 

Yeonjun is munching a spoonful of rice, so Soobin answers. 

“At least a year.” He’s ready for him to argue again, but the angry reply never arrives. 

Instead, Beomgyu says, “You two have changed a lot, you know?” 

It takes them by surprise, but Soobin guesses he’s right. He knows he has changed, he’s no longer as afraid as he used to be. He feels more comfortable on his own skin after struggling for so long. And he knows Yeonjun must have changed too, after all two years don’t pass like nothing. 

Beomgyu sighs before whispering, “I hope it goes well.”

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Soobin was closeted. He did date some boys while he was at school, but they were in the same situation as him. So, those relationships were nothing more than kisses behind bathroom doors and silly messages that he had to delete each morning even if they made his feet kick the blankets. They never lasted, but they never ended on bad terms. They always knew things were complicated, especially in a town as small as theirs. 

Soobin always told himself that things would change eventually, that it would get better once he went to university. But the thing is, when you grow up with the constant fear of being caught and hearing the most horrible things about being gay, you internalize it, every single word and worry. It becomes a part of yourself, and the fear clings to your body. You can’t take all of that out of you by just changing cities. 

Yeonjun was aware Soobin’s family didn’t know, that not even his childhood friends knew. Soobin always had excuses for them after classes, never knowing he was seeing boys from other schools. And during that time, he wasn’t hiding the truth from his new friends, but he wasn’t really open about it either. He wasn’t afraid of holding Yeonjun’s hand through the campus, but there was still this irrational feeling from time to time when they were walking in the street. Yeonjun knew about all of this, and he assured Soobin that he understood. Yeonjun came out when he was in high school, his parents had been sweet about it, and they fully supported him. But Yeonjun understood it wasn’t as easy for everyone, and when they started dating, Yeonjun told Soobin time and time again that it was okay. 

However, it became a thing when Yeonjun’s parents came to the city. Soobin and Yeonjun weren’t from the same town, but they found out their dads worked for the same company, sometimes meeting each other. So, when Yeonjun’s parents decided to come to Seoul for the weekend, a question hung heavy between them. 

“I would love you to meet them,” Yeonjun told him, “But I know it’s complicated and I don’t want to pressure you to do something that scares you.”

“I want to, hyung,” Soobin replied with honesty, “But—” 

“But it’s hard, I know.” 

Yeonjun kissed his forehead that time, it was Friday, and they were lying in Soobin’s bed. Yeonjun couldn’t stay like he usually did because his parents were going to arrive early in the morning. When he left, Soobin could tell he was sad, even if he swore to him a thousand times between kisses that it was okay. 

So, Soobin sent a bouquet of flowers for Yeonjun’s mom and a bottle of wine for his dad. It was the smallest detail ever, but he made the note in the bouquet said he was sorry for not being able to meet them. It made Yeonjun happy, because —using his words— it showed he cared. He was even happier when on Monday Soobin appeared with another bouquet, this time for him. Yeonjun couldn’t stop giggling and taking pictures with it. 

But then, months later, Pride came. Yeonjun was so excited, and Soobin was too because anything that made Yeonjun happy made him happy too. However, that year things were difficult, more than they normally were. Politicians were trying to stop the parade and reporters were everywhere. Soobin’s chest was heavy with anxiety and guilt. He really wanted to go, but his mind was getting the worst of him. What if he appeared on the news? What if the police arrested him for being there since the parade had been prohibited? How would his parents react? His sister had been pregnant during that time, he didn’t want to give her a hard time, because she would try to defend him, right? Soobin had counted on her all his life, his noona wasn’t going to hate him, right? 

It was the night before and they were in Yeonjun’s apartment. He noticed right away something was wrong. Soobin ended up telling him everything, every single one of his fears, no matter how dumb or exaggerated they were. He was breathing hard, and he could feel his heart beating painfully against his chest. 

“It’s okay, Bin-ah, it’s okay,” Yeonjun whispered, with Soobin’s face between his hands. But for Soobin it wasn’t okay, so he said it aloud. Why was he so afraid? He shouldn’t be, it wasn’t supposed to be like that when he moved to Seoul. 

He started crying, just like he used to cry when he found out he liked boys and not girls. He felt so small and lost, Yeonjun’s hands were the only thing keeping him from breaking into a million tiny pieces. 

Yeonjun didn’t go to pride. He didn’t even when Soobin told him a thousand times he should just go, that he was going to be fine. 

“It’s okay, I’d rather stay with you,” he said, throwing himself over Soobin. “Besides, I wanted to go with you.” 

Soobin felt like crying once again. “Yah, don’t make that face, one day, all these things inside your head won’t be as terrifying as they seem. It’s been just a year since you moved, of course you’re still scared, hmm? And when that day comes, you’re going to come with me and we’re going to dance, and sing, and do all the things I like to do during pride, okay?” 

Soobin felt so loved that day. But, even if Yeonjun told him it was okay, Soobin felt like it wasn’t fair. Soobin loved Yeonjun as much as Yeonjun loved him, but Soobin couldn’t help but feel like it didn’t seem like that. Because he wasn’t brave enough to show it off. Because he couldn’t call his parents and tell them “Hey, I have a boyfriend and his name is Choi Yeonjun and he’s the most incredible and beautiful person I’ve ever known, and I’m in love with him.”

Because he did. He loved him so, so much.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Yeonjun starts working on Wednesday. He arrives later than Soobin and has a big smile plastered on his face. 

“Did it go well?” Soobin asks, even if it is quite clear. 

“Yes!” Yeonjun beams. 

He’s working for a dance studio that teaches trainees. Even if Yeonjun doesn’t like to admit it, he’s kind of childish and goofy, so Soobin guesses that being around teens and people in his early twenties is just his natural environment. He can be as foolish as he wants without judgment.

Yeonjun starts a rant about how impressive the studios are, even if he saw images beforehand, everything just looks bigger in real life. His coworkers are, for the most part, older than him but they all seem like nice people. He’s going to teach trainees from different companies, some from famous ones.

“That’s cool, hyung,” he says. He’s happy for Yeonjun. 

“And what about you?” 

“Hmm?” 

“How did your day go?” Yeonjun clarifies his question. He puts his elbows on the kitchen aisle which makes Soobin nervous, so he starts playing with the strings of his guitar. He had been trying to work. 

“It was nice, but there’s a song that’s bothering me.”

Yeonjun hums at his answer, “You haven’t told me much.”

And he’s right, he just told him that he’s working for a music studio. They produce and record with new artists and sometimes send songs and arrange for bigger companies. 

“I did my internship there and they wanted me to stay,” he explains, fingers still over the metallic strings. “Actually, I’m currently working with a boy doing his internship, his name is Taehyun and he’s in the same year as Beomgyu, but he’s from a different university.” 

“Which one?” Yeonjun wonders, and when Soobin replies, his eyes light up. “Kai is studying at that university!” 

“Yeah? When did he come to Seoul?” He still remembers Kai, Yeonjun used to talk a lot about him. He was three years younger than Yeonjun, but they were neighbors and became friends. Soobin always could tell Yeonjun adored him. 

“Ah, the year after I left,” Yeonjun grimaces. “I was supposed to show him the city, we always talked about it, but I guess things never go as we plan them.” 

However, Yeonjun doesn’t let the conversation turn gloomy. 

“He changed so much! He’s so handsome now, he doesn’t have a baby face anymore!”

“You will have to show me a picture.” 

They talk some more and then Yeonjun goes to take a shower. Soobin continues working on some of the chords he can’t get out of his head, he’s still trying to figure out what sounds strange when Yeonjun returns with wet hair and wearing a big hoodie. It brings him the memory of something he quickly discards; he shouldn’t even phantom those memories. 

Yeonjun goes straight to the kitchen, completely unaware of Soobin’s dilemma. He opens the fridge and starts to mumble to himself. That makes something else come to Soobin’s mind.

“Ah, hyung,” he calls his attention, twisting his body on the couch and leaving the guitar on the other side. Yeonjun has an eyebrow raised, waiting for Soobin to speak. “The other day I wanted to ask you if you learned to cook something different while being in France, but then I forgot.”

“Not much about French cuisine, but one of my roommates was Vietnamese,” Yeonjun answers before he opens the fridge once again, “I think I can make something, you haven’t eaten yet, right?”

Soobin shakes his head with more enthusiasm than he would like to admit. 

“Come here,” Yeonjun says after taking some vegetables out, “wash your hands and help me chop these ‘cause I’m not gonna do everything alone.” 

Once again, Soobin stands up with more energy than he should. Yeonjun is distracted looking for something else and doesn’t notice Soobin’s behavior. 

They cook while talking about miscellaneous things; idol gossip, new choreographies, the last thing they watched on Netflix, funny things they saw on twitter. The kitchen starts to smell like homemade food, and Soobin thinks with certainty for the first time that they’re going to be alright.

Chapter Text

During their first month living together, Soobin learns that Yeonjun became even more fashionable than before. His clothes are flashier and bolder, and he plays with different textures and patterns. One day, he comes out of his room wearing a long denim skirt with socks that reach below his knees, and Soobin almost dies right there. Pathetic, if you ask him. But time doing its thing over feelings doesn’t mean he doesn’t find Yeonjun absurdly pretty anymore. 

He wears makeup sometimes too. He didn’t when they were younger, just lip balm if that even counts. It’s nothing too elaborate, but Soobin likes it when he applies color under his eyes, it enhances their sharpness. And there’s this iridescent blush or highlight he uses sometimes that makes Soobin feel like a cat following something shiny when he tries to see the glitter changing color. 

However, he’s not the only one trying to catch the things that changed. One afternoon, Soobin is preparing coffee, Yeonjun is sprawled on the couch watching TV and he lifts his head to look at him. 

“You wear your glasses more often now,” he remarks, “are you more blind or you just got used to them?” Soobin is a bit taken aback by the question, but he quickly replies, “both.” Yeonjun stares at him some more and then he turns his attention back to the TV. 

Then, a couple of days later, he sees the pin on his backpack. It’s a silly thing Gyu got him one time, a white bunny holding a pride flag. 

“That’s cute.”

“Ah, Gyu bought it for me,” he explains, “I told him I wanted to be more open about being gay, but I felt weird going around trying to drop hints, and that was his solution.” 

“Cute,” Yeonjun repeats, still looking at it. “So, the people at your job know, right?” 

“My boss is a lesbian, so, yeah.”

Yeonjun chuckles, “That’s really cool.” 

Soobin doesn’t know why, but he feels the need to tell something else to Yeonjun. It doesn’t matter anymore, but he just wants him to know.

“You know, I told my friends back home about it,” Yeonjun looks at him, and he knows he needs to explain a bit more, “about me being gay, and about you.”

Yeonjun opens his eyes in surprise, but tries to play it cool, changing his position on the couch. 

“How did it go?” If they didn’t know each other as they do, Soobin wouldn’t have noticed the hidden concern in his voice. Yeonjun isn’t a good actor, too transparent with his emotions. 

“Well, one of them never talked to me again, but the girls reacted well,” he explains, he’s no longer hurt by that, and he doesn’t want Yeonjun to feel pity, “they were just surprised because they never noticed I was dating back then, they genuinely thought I was a loser obsessed with playing LoL and not interest in girls.”

Yeonjun nods at him and then, the right corner of his lips goes up.

“I mean—” He stops himself just to smile widely, and Soobin already knows why. “They weren’t wrong.” 

“You’re so annoying,” Soobin sighs, but he can’t stop the smile forming on his face too. 

“I’m glad, I mean, I’m sorry for that one person, but I’m glad your friends reacted well.” 

Soobin hums. It didn’t change their friendship, but it wasn’t easy either. He told them the summer after he broke up with Yeonjun. He spent the first week back home worrying over it, until one day he exploded. Soobin said the first word, and then he couldn't stop, not until he had told them everything. 

“And what did they say about me?” Yeonjun asks. He has his feet up on the couch, and he’s resting his arms on his knees. In a way, he’s hiding himself without intending to. Soobin knows that while he’s cocky and tries to exude self-confidence, these kinds of things make him nervous. 

“They told me you were pretty.” Soobin remembers their words and feels his ears become warm, blood flowing to his face. It had been an intense conversation. He cried when he came out and then he cried some more when he told the girls about Yeonjun, but they all tried to make him feel better by making him laugh. They said they couldn’t believe Soobin pulled someone like Yeonjun, that he had to teach them his tricks, that it was okay he didn’t tell them sooner because they would have been jealous since they were stuck with the ugly boys from their town. They told them so many stupid things, but he still remembers the exact word Arin said. “Actually, they used the word beautiful.”

Yeonjun doesn’t ask for more details. His cheeks are pink, and Soobin can tell he’s trying to contain his smile. A bit of embarrassment is a fair price if it means to make Yeonjun happy. 

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Without intending to, having dinner together becomes part of their routine. They eat together if they don’t go out with friends. Therefore, they end up sitting on the stools by the kitchen aisle almost every other night. 

Now, they’re drinking beer while munching on some fried chicken they bought on their way back from the supermarket. 

“Who was him?” Yeonjun asks suddenly, taking Soobin’s attention away from the video they put on the background. The confusion must be obvious on his face, because Yeonjun clarifies his question, “The boy we saw in the supermarket.” 

“Ah,” Soobin doesn’t know how to explain it. 

Yeonjun had finished work early that day, and asked Soobin if he needed something from the supermarket. The funny part is that Soobin was already there, so they met each other in the vegetables section. The unfunny part came when they were in the queue to pay. They were talking about their day, Yeonjun was telling him some of the trainees had a discussion, and Soobin was really invested even if he doesn’t know who the boys involved are. And then, in line for the other cash register, he saw someone he thought he was never going to see again. 

The boy had looked at Soobin and then at Yeonjun, his cheeks turned an exaggerated shade of red before turning around to face the opposite direction from where they were standing. 

“We— hooked up once,” he confesses because there’s no point in lying. Yeonjun's eyes widen, and he chokes on his food, and for some reason it bothers Soobin. So, when he’s sure Yeonjun’s windpipe is not blocked, he asks, “Why do you react like that, hyung?”

“You took me by surprise!” He replies after clearing his throat. “I thought you were going to tell me you dated, not that you fucked.”

“Yah, it’s something bad?”

“No, of course not, it’s good that you got laid dude, but—” Soobin can’t believe Yeonjun just called him dude. “You’re too romantic to just— do that, I don’t know, just wow.”

He really can’t believe they’re having this conversation. 

“I have the right to be horny, you know?”

They look at each other for a whole and tense second before they break into laughter at the same time.

“I can’t believe you just said that!” Yeonjun laughs. “Why would you say that?!” 

Soobin can’t stop laughing. Still, he manages to ask Yeonjun, “I don’t know, why did you call me dude?”

“I don’t know, to make it less weird?” 

“It made it worse!”

Maybe it’s the beer or the fact that these days they often find themselves like this, laughing like they used to do. Whatever it is, it gives Soobin enough confidence to ask Yeonjun something that in a different situation would be extremely uncomfortable.

“Did you date while being abroad?” If Yeonjun is surprised by the question, he doesn’t show it. He simply sips from his beer and nods.

“Twice,” he says. “I mean, I sort of tried dating twice, but it only lasted a few weeks.”

“Ah, you became the romantic type then,” Soobin says, trying to make Yeonjun laugh again, and he succeeds. 

“Stop with that,” Yeonjun sighs, still with a dumb smile on his face. “It wasn’t that serious. What about you? Did you date?”

Soobin shakes his head.

“I just— You know,” he grimaces, knowing Yeonjun will get it. “I kind of tried to get to know people but it felt weird.”

“We switched personalities then,” Yeonjun jokes. 

“Then why didn’t I gain a sense of style?” Soobin asks. It makes Yeonjun smile again. 

“You look good though, you dress better these days, I like it,” Yeonjun says, and for some stupid reason, it makes Soobin’s face feel warm. 

“I don’t think so, Gyu says I dress like an old man.” 

“Well, he’s not allowed to give his opinion when he dresses like a nerd,” Yeonjun says after he chuckles. “I really like how you look nowadays, it suits you.”

Soobin hopes Yeonjun didn’t notice how red his ears turned. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

While Soobin had “boyfriends” during his high school years, for Yeonjun it was the first time being in a relationship. Or well, theoretically. It was complicated. Yeonjun never talked about it. Soobin found out in the ugly way that life has to throw things in your face. 

They had been together for a little over six months. That day, they went out to have bingsu because Yeonjun had been crying for it the whole week. The weather was becoming warmer each day, but still not enough to be uncomfortable. So, they spent the day walking around with Yeonjun making Soobin take pictures of him. He was wearing these wide shorts that looked like a skirt, reaching his knees. Soobin remembers him sitting down and seeing a bit of his thighs and going stupid. Yeonjun gave him hell for it, mocking him at every chance he got. 

They were walking to the subway station to go to Yeonjun’s apartment when he stopped midway. 

They weren’t holding hands, they tried to avoid it when it was late, just to be safe. But that time, Yeonjun searched for his hand with urgency and without looking, his attention in something in front of him. 

“Hyung?” Soobin remembers calling him after tangling their fingers together. 

“Yeonjun,” someone, not something anymore, called. 

It was a man, he was around Yeonjun’s height and had short hair and prominent cheekbones. He looked older, not so much, but he was clearly not their age. There was this expression on his face, between surprise and something else that Soobin couldn’t quite describe but that he didn’t like at all. He didn’t even look at Soobin for more than half a second, his full attention on Yeonjun. 

But Yeonjun didn’t mind, he turned around and pulled Soobin with him. 

“Yeonjun, wait,” the man yelled. But Yeonjun just started walking in the opposite direction, completely ignoring him. 

“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Soobin asked, following Yeonjun’s pace, but he didn’t reply a word. He just wanted to get out of there. 

They didn't get to walk far before Yeonjun was pulled from behind. The man had grabbed his shoulder, making him turn to face him. Yeonjun’s reaction was immediate.

“Let go, fucking bastard!” Yeonjun shouted, shaking the hand off his shoulder. “Touch me again and I’ll fucking break your hands!” 

Yeonjun spat with so much anger. Soobin had never heard him talk like that, and it seemed like neither did the man in front of them. He looked as surprised as Soobin felt, standing there with his hand in the air and eyes wide open. 

Soobin remembers Yeonjun grasping his hand with a firmer hold than before. Yeonjun looked at him before looking at the man one last time. He pulled Soobin once again, walking away from him. 

They walked, and walked, and walked, until Soobin made them turn a corner and stop. Yeonjun was pale and he was breathing deeply, trying to calm himself. But Soobin could tell he wasn’t okay. Soobin remembers grabbing his face with his hands, just like Yeonjun always did with him. He called him, the syllable coming out softly from his lips, and Yeonjun started crying. 

“Hyung,” he repeated, “hyung, what’s wrong?”

But Yeonjun didn’t reply. He couldn’t. So, Soobin just held him tight. 

He managed to call them a car, and while they waited Yeonjun didn’t stop crying. The street was almost empty, and the only thing Soobin could hear besides the cars and the city murmur was Yeonjun’s sobs. He kept crying when they got into the car, and Soobin pulled his face against his neck, petting his hair. The driver threw them a nasty glance through the rear mirror, but Soobin couldn’t care less, infinitely more worried about Yeonjun. He just held him tighter.

Soobin was used to seeing Yeonjun cry. He was such a crybaby, eyes becoming watery over the silliest things. A movie, a cute animal, food being too good. But this wasn’t normal. Soobin could tell Yeonjun was trying to calm himself, but he was beyond that point. He was shaking so much, crying with his whole body. He held tightly to Soobin’s arms to take his shoes out once they arrived at his apartment. When he finished, Yeonjun looked up at him, his eyes were swollen and his face red. He looked at Soobin’s face for a whole minute, and then, for some reason, he started to cry loudly again, hiding his face against Soobin’s chest.

“It’s okay, hyung, it’s okay,” he murmured. 

Soobin managed to make him sit on his bed. He tried to go and bring him a glass of water, but Yeonjun pulled him until they were laying side by side. Soobin remembers how Yeonjun’s hands were making fists with his t-shirt, how his tears were making the fabric wet on his shoulder. He asked once again, voice barely a whisper against his blue hair. 

“Please, hyung, tell me what’s wrong.” 

But Yeonjun couldn’t stop crying. He really couldn’t. So, he resigned to pet his hair and ask him to breathe slowly. 

The sobs turned into silent tears escaping from his eyes, soaking Yeonjun’s cheeks and Soobin’s t-shirt even more, until he had nothing left. Soobin didn’t want him to start crying again, so instead of asking about it once more, he grabbed his face between his hands. 

“Let me help you change so we can sleep,” he said softly, “is that okay, hyung?” 

Yeonjun blinked once, then twice, before nodding. 

Yeonjun was barely three centimeters smaller than him. Most of the time, they looked the same height, they wore each other’s clothes because they fitted just right and nobody but them could notice. Other times, it was evident how Yeonjun’s frame was much smaller, shoulders narrower and hands delicate. But that day, Soobin thought Yeonjun looked too small. He felt like he was going to disappear in front of his eyes when he curled into bed. And Yeonjun must have had the same feeling because his hands reached for Soobin right away, pulling him under the blankets. 

He woke up the next morning with Yeonjun’s fingers tracing his face. He followed the arch of his eyebrows, then the curve of his nose, until he reached his lips. He stayed there for a bit; Soobin almost lulled back to sleep. But then Yeonjun’s fingers moved to his right cheek, drawing a couple of lazy circles before moving to his ear. His touch was soft but stirred him awake. 

“Sorry,” Yeonjun mumbled, voice low and clearly raspy.

“Morning,” he replied instead. 

Yeonjun was staring at him, his cheek was squished against the pillow and even if his eyes were puffy, he looked pretty. However, Soobin didn’t have time to tell him, because Yeonjun hid his face in the hollow of his neck.

“Can I tell you something?” He muttered softly against his skin. And Soobin nodded, wrapping his arms around him. He didn’t know that till this day it would hurt to remember his words.

Yeonjun rarely talked about his teen years. He always retold stories about his first year in Seoul, or sometimes he would tell Soobin anecdotes about his childhood. But the space between his fifteen and eighteen years was something he kept for himself. 

He always knew he liked boys, he didn’t go through the whole crisis of trying to understand what was wrong with him as Soobin did. He just knew, and during high school, and after telling his parents, he felt he had the freedom to do whatever he wanted. The thing is, always the wrong people got interested in him. They were always jerks, always from higher grades. Boys who flirted with him in private and then treated him like shit in the hallways. Still, it wasn’t that bad, not until he met Jihoon. 

Yeonjun was barely eighteen, and Jihoon was already twenty-three and attending university. Yeonjun liked him a lot; even if Jihoon never asked him to be his boyfriend, even if he didn’t want to meet Yeonjun’s parents or friends, even when they were a secret. Jihoon said they were good as they were, he just wanted things to be between Yeonjun and him, without people commenting nonsense about them. And Yeonjun believed him. 

He was nice in the beginning. Good morning messages, a box of sweets left at his door and stupid love songs. It didn’t last. Soon, everything was about having sex; Yeonjun going to Jihoon’s home after classes, hiding the hickeys he told him not to leave with foundation and scarves, pretending he didn’t care they no longer did what they used to do before. Jihoon didn’t care about what Yeonjun liked either. Everything was about sex, and about what he liked, and that was all. He did throw sweet words from time to time, just to make Yeonjun feel bad when he thought about ending things. 

It went like that for months, until it reached a breaking point. Yeonjun found out he had a girlfriend. She attended the same university and was just a year younger than him. He was just Jihoon’s plaything. 

When Yeonjun went to Jihoon’s house to confront him about it, he put on a whole show. He told Yeonjun he was tired, Yeonjun was always complaining, acting like a baby, wanting more than what Jihoon could offer, that if he had fallen in love with that girl, it had been purely Yeonjun’s fault. Yeonjun couldn’t believe his words, he had given him everything he had and more, and yet Jihoon was there in front of him, not even trying to deny anything. When Yeonjun started crying, Jihoon just started yelling; he continued to blame Yeonjun, telling him to calm the fuck down because there was nothing to cry about, it was his fault. Jihoon grabbed Yeonjun by the shoulders, and he shook him hard enough for Yeonjun to push him away, get out of his house and run back home. 

Yeonjun told everything to a friend. She was furious, asking Yeonjun why he didn’t ask for help sooner, why he waited so long… and Yeonjun couldn’t find an answer. He liked him, he liked so much he thought he loved him. 

“I felt so stupid, I was so stupid,” he lamented, face still hidden in the space between Soobin’s neck and shoulder. “I fell for all his bullshit and then— then I let him—” 

And Soobin understood what he wanted to say, and there was no need to force himself to say it. So, he shushed him, carding his fingers through his hair. “You weren’t stupid, you were just a child, hyung.”

Yeonjun sniffed and Soobin hugged him even tighter. They stayed like that for a long time, until Yeonjun hummed, pulling back and calling his attention.

“You know what’s dumb?” He asked, smiling a little but enough to make Soobin feel calmer. “Before I started uni I told myself I couldn’t fall in love with anyone else, I was going to focus on my studies and nothing else. And during the first year that’s what I did, I said ‘let's make a lot of friends and not be foolish for boys.’ But then I saw you.”

Soobin feels his heart aching and his ears turning red, and Yeonjun’s smile grows bigger.

“You were so cute,” he cooed, “I told myself maybe you can talk with him, just a little. But apart from being cute, you’re sweet and funny too…” 

He said it pouting, pretending to be annoyed, and it made Soobin chuckle. 

“I was so scared, but you’re so good to me, you always are.” 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

“Why did you buy so many tangerines?” Yeonjun asks loudly just for the sake of being dramatic because Soobin is right there, sitting on the couch, just two meters away from Yeonjun who is standing by the fridge. 

“They were on sale,” he says without taking his eyes off the last episode of the anime he’s currently watching, “and don’t act like you’re not capable of eating all of them in one sitting.”

“You bought them for me?” He asks with incredibility tinting his voice. 

“Yeah, for who else?”

Soobin has this premonition that his favorite character is going to die, so he’s biting his lower lip, fully focused on the screen and completely unaware of Yeonjun still staring at the tangerines. 

“You really bought me all these tangerines?” He asks, and there’s something in his voice that makes Soobin turn his face in his direction. Yeonjun’s eyes are round and he’s slightly pouting. 

“Yeah, hyung,” he laughs. Yeonjun looks cute when he’s confused or taken by surprise. “You seemed a bit down yesterday, I hope it helps.” 

The light coming from the TV changes abruptly, calling his attention. Yeah, he’s sure his favorite character is going to die.

He’s so absorbed that he doesn’t notice Yeonjun moving around the kitchen aisle and crossing the ridiculous distance between the fridge and the couch. Soobin just feels his hands grabbing his head, tilting him in his direction to give him a loud and exaggerated kiss on the top of his head. 

“You know you’re amazing, right?” Yeonjun asks, and Soobin barely has time to laugh as an answer before Yeonjun goes back to the kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbing a handful of tangerines with a goofy laugh. 

Soobin doesn’t think about feeling shy or weird about what just happened. He’s just happy that he made Yeonjun feel better. He looked sad yesterday, and he felt the need to do something for him. Because that’s what good roommates and friends do, right? Yeonjun said they used to be good friends, and that’s what they should try to be now. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

“I was scared too,” he whispered against Yeonjun’s chest. They changed positions, now Yeonjun is laying on his back and Soobin is laying between his legs. Yeonjun put a movie on his laptop, but he had been more interested in playing with Soobin’s hair and ears. 

“Why?” Yeonjun asked, tilting Soobin’s face so he looked at him. 

“I thought you would think I was too childish, and I was worried I was going to fuck it up,” Yeonjun furrowed his eyebrows at the explanation, which made Soobin smile. “It’s okay now, it turns out you’re the baby of the relationship.” 

Yeonjun flicked his forehead, making him whine. 

“Just because I cry a lot it doesn’t mean I’m the baby of the relationship.” 

Soobin bit Yeonjun’s fingers, not harshly, but still he made a fuss of it. 

“I said it because you like to pretend you’re so cool, but you’re really childish, always doing something silly. And you’re always obsessing over a certain food or snack. You pout a lot too, when something pisses you, or when you lose, or when you’re too tired.” Yeonjun’s cheeks were rosy, the blush on his face becoming more prominent with each word from Soobin. 

“Is that bad?” he asked, and Soobin shook his head quickly. 

His next words made him feel shy even before saying them aloud, so he hid his face in Yeonjun’s neck.

“No, hyung, it’s okay,” he sighed, “I like that you’re my baby.” 

Soobin could feel Yeonjun’s heartbeat accelerating before a whine escaped from his lips, feeling as shy as Soobin about it. He knew Yeonjun liked praises and sweet words, but sometimes it was difficult for him, not used to it as Yeonjun was. 

“You know I love you, right?” Yeonjun’s words took Soobin by surprise, warm spreading all over him, making him melt against Yeonjun’s body. He put his arms under Yeonjun just to hug him, hold him tight. 

“I love you too, hyung.”

Chapter Text

The weather is slowly turning warmer and Yeonjun’s hair has become lighter, now the color is closer to peach fuzz than to the bold orange he had two months ago. His roots are showing too, but for some reason he doesn’t look bad. It’s slightly annoying how he makes everything work, Soobin doubts there’s a thing that doesn’t suit him. 

It’s Friday and they’re going out to have dinner with Beomgyu, as they usually do. However, tonight’s quite special because Kai is going to be there too. And even if it’s a bit dumb, Soobin feels nervous. He knows he shouldn’t, he’s no longer Yeonjun’s boyfriend, therefore he shouldn’t feel anxious about meeting one of his closest friends. Yet, he’s been biting the insides of his cheeks since Yeonjun told him the younger boy was going to be there. Luckily, Yeonjun doesn’t notice he’s being weird, too busy picking his outfit. 

He’s not wearing anything flashy today, just dark gray jeans and a black sweater knitted in a very loose patron, Soobin wonders if he’s not going to get cold later. He wants to ask Yeonjun about it, but in the end, he opts not to say anything. Maybe he’s going to grab a jacket before going out. 

Right now, he’s doing his makeup. He always does it sitting on the stools by the kitchen aisle, he says he doesn’t like to do it in the bathroom and that the light is better here anyway. Soobin likes it because he can look at him. Yeonjun is currently applying a brownish shade around his eyes, it seems simple, but Soobin can tell he’s trying to follow a certain shape. 

“What are you looking at?” He asks accusatory, taking Soobin by surprise. He hadn't noticed he had his mouth open, so he closes it and swallows, feeling the tip of his ears turn red. 

“Hyung,” he says in the end. Yeonjun hums while still looking at himself in the mirror, so he goes ahead. “Can you do my makeup?”

Yeonjun lowers the mirror and looks at him with round eyes.

“How?” he asks back. 

“Just like you always do, I like it when you put eyeshadow under your eyes, it looks pretty.”

Soobin can tell Yeonjun is a little taken aback. But he puts the mirror on the aisle and taps the stool in front of him. “Come here,” he says. 

Yeonjun laughs when Soobin sits.

“Lower the seat, dummy,” he giggles, “you’re too tall, I can’t do your makeup like this.” Yeonjun’s height is mostly his long legs, so when they sit, Soobin is always much taller than him. Soobin does as he said, and he panics for a second. Maybe he didn’t think this through. Yeonjun is too close like this, way too close, and the fact that he’s looking at him from above makes it worse. However, Yeonjun seems not to notice his inner turmoil, too focused on scanning his palette. In the end he picks a color that looks like brown and purple at the same time. Soobin isn’t sure what to call that shade, but it’s warm and lighter than the one Yeonjun has around his own eyes. His brows are slightly furrowed in concentration, but he has a smile on his lips. 

“What is it?” Soobin asks, trying not to move too much. 

Yeonjun shakes his head softly before answering, smile still pulling his mouth. 

“You wouldn’t have let me do this back then, not for going out at least.” 

“And that makes you happy?” The brush on his skin feels ticklish, and Yeonjun's face is too close, but he doesn’t move. 

“I don’t know,” Yeonjun replies before the silence between them grows weird. “It’s nice.”

Yeonjun picks another color, just a bit darker, and a different brush too, thinner. 

“Close your eyes,” he instructs, and Soobin does it right away. Yeonjun uses the brush on the outer corner of his right eye and it’s too ticklish, making him flinch. “Don’t move,” he warns. 

Still, when Yeonjun tries again, Soobin can’t stop his body from flinching. He giggles “sorry”, but Yeonjun doesn’t reply. Instead, he just grabs Soobin’s face with his free hand. The touch is firm yet soft, just the tip of his fingers touching his chin to keep him in place. 

Soobin’s heart starts beating hard against his chest, too fast and too loud. He prays Yeonjun won’t notice. He tries to breathe slowly, trying to calm himself, but in the process, he becomes aware of Yeonjun’s own breath, so close that he can feel it against his face. 

“Pretty,” Yeonjun whispers, making Soobin open his eyes.

“What?” He asks. 

When Yeonjun shakes his head it’s like popping a bubble. Suddenly, Soobin is aware of the music playing in the background, the sounds of the streets coming from the open window and the rumble from the heating system of the neighbor upstairs. 

“Sorry,” he mumbles before swallowing with his eyebrows furrowed. “I said darker eyeshadow would look pretty, but this is a good start.”

He smiles before letting go of Soobin’s face, who is struggling to form a coherent phrase in his mind. 

“Maybe next time,” he says in the end. 

“Yeah, next time.”

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Yeonjun was right. Kai no longer has the baby face he had in Yeonjun’s high school pictures. His bangs are pushed to the sides, and his jaw is much more defined. He’s handsome and Soobin is a bit taken aback. 

But then, Kai notices Yeonjun and his whole face lights up. He opens his arms like a little child and the sound he makes when Yeonjun finally hugs him is nothing but cute. He smiles when Yeonjun introduces Soobin and Beomgyu to him, and at that moment Soobin decides he likes his voice. It’s soft but not like Beomgyu’s voice, it’s closer to Yeonjun’s way of talking but a tad cuter without intending to. 

He ends up sitting in front of him, with Beomgyu by his side. At first, most of the talk is made by Yeonjun and Kai, but then Soobin notices that Kai has a Jujutsu Kaisen sticker on his phone case. So, when their food arrives and Beomgyu asks Yeonjun about something, he uses the opportunity to talk to Kai. They start rambling about anime, they jump from one thing to another, and they don’t notice they’ve been talking non-stop for a long time until Yeonjun grabs Kai’s shoulder. 

“Yah, you were supposed to update me about your life, Soobin really stole your attention, mmh?” 

“Sorry, hyung,” Kai sighs, and to Soobin surprise he grabs Yeonjun’s hand and leaves a kiss there. It is exaggerated, and it makes Yeonjun laugh. It must be their thing, because Yeonjun repeats the motion. 

They talk together about music and university life. Soobin comments that he’s working with Taehyun and to his surprise, Kai knows him. Because of this, they start talking about something different than Beomgyu and Yeonjun again. It’s not their intention, it just happens. Kai is funny and a bit weird, just like Yeonjun, but with the difference that he actually understands his silly anime references. This time it’s Beomgyu who calls their attention, and they’re back at talking about the same thing all together. 

“You and Kai really got along,” Yeonjun says when they’re back in the apartment. They’re taking their shoes off and he throws a look to Soobin over his shoulder. 

“He’s fun,” he answers with honesty and Yeonjun hums.

“He’s pretty, isn’t him?” He asks then, standing after putting his boots on the rack. 

Soobin struggles with his left shoe, so he’s not really thinking when he answers. 

“Yes, he’s really pretty.”

When he’s finally able to take his shoe off and looks up, he’s caught with Yeonjun looking at him with an expression that sends chills down his spine. 

“Yah, don’t look at me like that!”

“You know he’s a baby, right?” Yeonjun has his arms crossed, hip slightly cocked to one side and an arched brow. Maybe the chills are not because he finds him scary. Soobin shouldn’t be thinking like that. 

“Hyung he’s older than me when we dated.”

“It’s different!”

“You pamper him too much,” Soobin shouldn’t like to see Yeonjun annoyed that much. Still, just to annoy him a bit more he says, “Besides, is not me for whom you should be worrying, we just talked about anime, Beomgyu was the one looking at him like he wanted to eat him alive.” 

“Yah, what do you mean?” He furrows his eyebrows together and Soobin thinks cute.

“You didn’t notice?” Yeonjun just looks at him, he really didn’t notice and it makes Soobin laugh. “Hyung, he’s gonna try to fuck him.”

“Yah Choi Soobin why would you say that?!” 

“Because Kai is a grown man!” He laughs, “And he looked back at Beomgyu like that too! They’re going to-”

“Don’t make me think about them together!” 

“Well, bad luck ‘cause they’re gonna have dirty, nasty, filthy sex!” He’s being stupid, so Soobin guesses the flick on his forehead is completely deserved. Still, he whines. “Hyung!”

“That’s for talking about my baby like that,” and then he flicks his forehead once again, making Soobin hiss, “and that’s for not kicking my feet or doing something to make me look at Beomgyu.” 

Soobin is still massaging his forehead when Yeonjun sighs dramatically, “I feel like I’m going to throw up. Is this what Beomgyu felt when we told him about us?” 

It makes Soobin laugh. 

“Yah, calm down, they just looked at each other. Both are kind of shy, maybe nothing is going to happen,” Soobin clarifies, but Yeonjun swallows loudly before speaking. 

“Beomgyu did ask him his number, tough.”

“Oh,” Soobin adds. Yeah, they’re going to fuck.

And Yeonjun starts crying. 

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

“Wow, Taehyunie, you looked really handsome!” 

Taehyun chuckles shyly after Soobin’s exclamation. He’s holding his phone in front of Soobin to show him a picture of himself with deep red hair. 

“It was a pain to wash my hair tho, it looked like I’d killed somebody, and everything got stained.”

“So, you wouldn’t do it again?” Soobin asks. 

“I’d do it again, just with a lighter color,” he explains. 

Taehyun puts his phone away and looks at Soobin with his big eyes. “You have never dyed your hair, hyung?” He wonders.

Soobin shakes his head, “No, I’ve always wanted to try, but I’m scared of not liking it.” 

“You can always dye it back to black,” he says, shrugging. 

That’s how Soobin finds himself asking Yeonjun for help later that day. 

“Hyung, can you help me with something?” He says, trying to sound as sweet as possible without making it obvious that he’s about to ask for a favor. 

“Mmh?” Yeonjun hums, cheeks full of noodles. For some reason, he wants to coo at him. It seems like he stares at him for a bit too long, because Yeonjun urges him, “Soobin-ah, what is it?”

“Ah,” he says dumbly. He wants to flick himself on the forehead, but he forces himself to carry on with his plan. “You dye your own hair, right?”

Yeonjun raises an eyebrow in his direction, “I used to do it when we were at uni, but the last time I got it done at a saloon, why?” 

By this point, Yeonjun must know he’s planning something. He’s not dumb, in fact, he’s always been much wittier than Soobin. Still, he lets Soobin explain himself. 

“Hyung,” he starts, “can you dye my hair?”

“I knew it,” Yeonjun groans, face filled with annoyance. “I’m not gonna do it. 

“Hyung,” he tries, but Yeonjun shushes him right away. 

“No, Soobin, I’m not gonna do it.”

They look at each other across the aisle and Soobin tries to give him his best puppy eyes. He’s willing to use every resource he has to convince him.

They stare at each other until Yeonjun sighs. 

“What color?” Yeonjun gives in but his eyebrows are still furrowed. 

“Blonde,” he mumbles and Yeonjun groans even louder than before. Soobin knows he’s exaggerating, trying really hard to seem annoyed so he doesn’t have to do it. He’ll accept eventually, Soobin just needs to keep pushing. 

“I’m gonna fry your hair if I do it,” Yeonjun reasons. 

“No, I trust you,” Soobin tries. “Your hair always looks good.”

“I’ve fried it in the past, you saw me,” he insists. 

“You’re lying, your hair always looked soft,” Soobin counters. 

“It was completely fried when I was in third year!” Yeonjun whines. “You just liked me too much!”

And well, he has a point and Yeonjun sees right through him.

“See! You know I’m right!” He accuses, even pointing a finger in his direction.

“No, you’re not.” Soobin is not willing to lose. “Please, hyung, dye my hair.”

“You have money now, you can go to a saloon,” Yeonjun argues, “why do you want me to do it?”

And again, he has a point. However, after thinking about it the entire day, he has a good answer for that question.

“I’m scared,” he mumbles and it’s quite funny how Yeonjun melts in front of him. “If you dye it and I don’t like it, you can just dye it back to black right after.”

Yeonjun looks at him, it feels like a whole minute when he sighs, defeated, “Okay,” he says. 

“Okay?” Soobin asks. 

“Okay,” Yeonjun repeats. “I’m gonna do it.” 

Soobin tries his hardest to contain his smile because he knows it’s going to annoy Yeonjun. 

“Thank you, hyung, thank you so much.” Yeonjun rolls his eyes, but Soobin can see the corners of his lips lift just so slightly. 

They decide to do it on Saturday after work, because even if it gets too late, they can fix Soobin’s hair the next day. Yeonjun starts complaining from the moment he sees Soobin at the station where they agreed to meet. Still, he helps Soobin to choose a hair dye. He looks at the different books with swatches, scanning them. He raises an eyebrow to his direction, wanting to know what Yeonjun is thinking, but he’s quick to change the subject, asking Soobin once again if he’s sure about the shade. 

Yeonjun can’t stop laughing when Soobin’s hair is completely covered in bleach. They’re in Soobin's bathroom and he has a plastic bag over his shoulders, completely unnecessary if you ask him since he’s already wearing an old t-shirt as Yeonjun told him to do. 

“You’re enjoying it way too much for not wanting to help me,” he accuses. 

“Yah, let me laugh,” he pouts, “I’m still nervous that you’ll end up bald. I have to laugh while I can.”

Soobin just rolls his eyes. There’s music coming from his phone, he thought that Yeonjun was going to find the album he chose too slow, but he’s humming to the songs while he takes the plastic gloves off. 

He’s distracted listening to him, so when Yeonjun points his phone at Soobin’s direction it’s too late to turn his face to the other side. Soobin just listens to the shutter. 

“Hyung!” He groans.

“Sorry but Beomgyu needs to see this,” he laughs. 

“Why are you being so mean?” 

“Yah, don’t sulk.” Yeonjun squeezes his cheeks. “You wanted me to help you, didn’t you?” 

After some minutes, Yeonjun tells him to wash his hair. When he’s ready, the mirror is fogged, so he doesn’t get to see himself, he just comes out of the bathroom hoping for the best. Yeonjun is sitting on his bed and his reaction is immediate, he opens his eyes wide, making Soobin feel nervous. 

“Does it look bad?” 

Yeonjun shakes his head, but he doesn’t say the opposite thing either. He just stands up and pinches Soobin’s cheek.

“Come here, I still have to apply the hair dye, your hair is just bleached.”

They repeat the process, but this time Yeonjun doesn’t make fun of him. They wait until Soobin feels his ass become numb from sitting for so long on the toilet lid, and then Yeonjun tells him to wash his hair once again. 

He doesn’t make a face when he comes out of the bathroom this time. He just pushes himself far into the bed, picking up the hair dryer he already plugged in. Yeonjun taps the space in front of him, and Soobin wants to tell him that it wasn’t necessary, he already knew that Yeonjun wanted him to sit there. They used to do it all the time. It’s nice, just as it used to be back then. He cards his fingers through his hair softly and even with the noise coming from the hairdryer, Soobin feels like he could fall asleep.

“Turn around,” Yeonjun tells him when he turns the hair dryer off. Soobin is waiting for him to say something, but instead, he raises a hand to accommodate his hair. He threads his fingers through his bangs, moving them to the sides after untangling them.

“Does it look too bad?” He asks, speaking softly since Yeonjun is right in front of him.

He shakes his head and speaks as softly as Soobin. “You look good,” he says. 

“Yes?” He asks again, making Yeonjun crack a smile, cheeks going up. 

“Why don’t you go and see?” 

It’s strange to see himself with blonde hair, but Yeonjun’s right. He looks good. Soobin loves it. And contrary to Yeonjun’s worries, his hair looks shiny. So, when he sees Yeonjun standing by the bathroom door, his first reaction is to go and hug him.

“Hyungie, thank you so much, choose whatever you wanna eat I’ll pay.” Yeonjun is slow to react, but he puts his arms around his shoulders. 

“You’re really that thankful?” He wonders and Soobin nods. “Can I order ice cream too?” 

Soobin nods again, and Yeonjun gives him a pat on his back. 

“Yah, give me your phone so I can order.” 

When they part, it’s a bit awkward, or at least it is for Soobin. He hugged Yeonjun a bit too tight and a bit too long maybe. But Yeonjun is just smiling when Soobin passes him his phone. He looks so happy that Soobin guesses it was okay. Yeonjun would tell him if he feels uncomfortable, that’s what they agreed on. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The following Saturday, Yeonjun has to go to out to have dinner with his colleagues. He’s been trying on different clothes since he arrived, and because he has his full-length mirror right by the door, Soobin has seen it all from his desk. 

“Why are you worrying so much?” He asks when Yeonjun comes out from his room for the tenth time groaning when he sees himself in the mirror. 

“I don’t know,” Yeonjun replies, “I mean, some important teachers from the studio will be there but I don’t know why I worry so much.”

He walks back to his closet again and stays there for a few minutes just to come out again wearing exactly the same clothes as before. His eyebrows are furrowed and he’s pouting. 

“Want to see my closet?” Soobin asks, “I think I have more coats than you do, maybe there’s something you can use.”

A part of Soobin is expecting Yeonjun to make fun of him. He isn't as stylish as Yeonjun, and he doesn’t worry too much about what is or is not on trend. However, Yeonjun enters his room with gleaming eyes. 

“Really?” He asks, and Soobin just points his closet with his hand.

“Go ahead.” 

Yeonjun roams through Soobin’s clothes, moving the hangers from one side to the other. He takes a coat off and it’s about to continue when he sees it. The jacket he bought Soobin for his 20th birthday. 

“Ah, you still have it.” 

“Yeah…” Soobin feels anxious suddenly, is it bad that he kept it? Was he supposed to give it away? Yeonjun worked extra shifts to buy it for him, Soobin would have felt awful if he had gotten rid of it. Besides, it is pretty, and he still wears it from time to time since it is very warm.

“You know,” Yeonjun says before Soobin can grow more nervous, “when Wooyoung broke up with his ex in second year he made me take a train and get off in a random station in the middle of nowhere, just so he could burn his ex’s stuff.” 

“Yeah, but I remember you told me he was an asshole.” 

“So I wasn’t that bad then?” He sighs, as it was something funny.

Silence sets in the room uncomfortably, Yeonjun’s throat bopping before looking down at the floor. 

“Hyung, why would you say that?” It makes him sad to think that Yeonjun sees himself like that.

“Sorry,” he mutters, grimacing before turning his back to Soobin. He glances the coat on his hands, and knowing him, he’s about to exit Soobin’s room and tell him that he’s okay. Soobin stands before he can do that and stops right beside Yeonjun. He searches through his clothes and picks a couple of things he thinks Yeonjun would like. 

“Try these,” he orders. 

In the end, Yeonjun decides to use Soobin’s black coat. If you pay too much attention, you can tell Yeonjun doesn’t fill the shoulders, but otherwise he looks good. So, Soobin says it out loud, because Yeonjun still looks a bit down after what happened in his room. 

“You look good, hyung.”

“Yeah?” He asks, but it already worked because there’s a shy smile on the corner of his lips. 

“Yeah, really handsome, straight out of a drama,” Soobin adds just because he knows Yeonjun will like it. 

He’s putting on his shoes and Soobin’s preparing some coffee to work for a bit longer when Yeonjun speaks again. 

“Yah, Soobin-ah,” he calls, making him turn his head in his direction. “I’m really sorry for what I said before.” 

“It’s okay, hyung, just you spoke before thinking as you tend to do,” getting on Yeonjun’s nerves is always a good technique to make him stop worrying. “I know you didn’t mean it.” 

“But you looked really sad when I said it.”

“Yeah, it made me sad that you think you were bad to me as Wooyoung’s ex was to him,” he explains, “but again, I know you didn’t really mean it.”

“I’m sorry,” he repeats again. 

“It’s okay, really,” he insists, “just go to your fancy dinner, hyung.”

Yeonjun is still looking at him like a kicked puppy, so Soobin sighs before he walks to where he is standing and hugs him. 

“Stop being sad about it, I already know you’re a bit dumb so don’t feel too bad about it,” he says, patting his back. 

Just then Yeonjun groans, finally reacting to Soobin messing with him. 

“Why do you always comfort me like this, you’re as dumb as I am.” 

They hug each other just for a bit more before Soobin pats his back again.

“Yah, go before you arrive late, dummy.”

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

On Sunday, Taehyun invites him to a bar where they play live music. Soobin would usually spend the day at home, probably watching anime or playing League, but Taehyun is just too cute to tell him no. Soobin really wants to keep working with him when his internship ends, he’s talented and hardworking, and Soobin hopes his boss offers him to stay. 

He arrives home a little past ten. He’s just taking his shoes off when Yeonjun comes out of his room. 

His hair is black.

Yeonjun dyed his hair black, and Soobin doesn’t know what to do. He just stands there, like an NPC character waiting for Yeonjun to do something, anything. 

“It’s strange, isn’t it?” Yeonjun grimaces. “It’s been so long, I feel weird.” 

Yeonjun turns his back to him, so he can look himself in the mirror they have hanging by the entry, he grimaces again to his reflection before looking back at Soobin. 

Soobin saw pictures of Yeonjun with black hair, but he was literally a baby trying to look cool with a bowl cut. Now, the black hair highlights the sharpness of his eyes and cheekbones, making him look handsome. Yet at the same time, he looks delicate; the dark color making his skin look milky and his lips even rosier. Soobin knows he’s staring like a fool, but he can’t look away. 

“Hyung, you’re so pretty,” Soobin says without thinking, feeling his mouth dry. 

And Yeonjun should give him a weird look. Soobin knows he should have worded it differently, he should have said you look pretty or even leave the word “pretty” completely out of the sentence. Yeonjun should scold him, tell him he’s making things weird. 

But Yeonjun just blushes. He blushes and looks away, like Soobin wasn’t able to do. 

“Thank you,” he mumbles, hand going up to touch the hair on the back of his head. “I feel like a copycat because I dyed it right before you, but the roots were bothering me too much.” 

“It’s okay,” Soobin says, “it suits you a lot, I mean, at this point I think every color suits you, but black is—”

Soobin feels like he’s digging a hole too deep that he won’t be able to come out after, yet he can’t shut his mouth. 

“It’s just really pretty, hyung.”

Soobin is still waiting for the scolding, a warning so he stops being stupid. But it never arrives. The only thing he receives is Yeonjun’s smile. Bright and blinding. 

Chapter Text

In May the weather changes, spring finally settles, and the days turn longer. Things between Soobin and Yeonjun change as well. Soobin knew they were getting closer; it was too easy to fall into their old rhythm. If you asked Soobin what was the difference between them now and them being friends back then, the only thing he could come up with was that now they can order food without the fear of checking their bank accounts after. 

However, Soobin can’t pinpoint at which moment having dinner became watching a movie together afterwards, Yeonjun dozing off if it isn’t interesting enough and using Soobin’s shoulder to rest his head. They pass less and less time in their rooms, opting to spend the afternoon sprawled on the fluffy carpet Yeonjun brought home one day. They talk non-stop, about their colleagues, about what they’re currently working on, about their friends' drama and people they used to know. Soobin rambles about games and Yeonjun shows him clothes from fancy brands he wants to buy. They’re still so different, but they listen to each other carefully, as they always did. 

One afternoon, Yeonjun is lying on the couch, a leg crossed over the other and a hand on the back of his neck while he scrolls down on his phone. Soobin is doing the same but laying on the floor, Yeonjun threw him one of the couch’s pillows so he can’t say he’s uncomfortable. His phone buzzes and he laughs a bit too loud, calling Yeonjun’s attention.

“What is it?” Yeonjun twists, looking down at him. 

“My sister sent a video,” Soobin turns his phone to Yeonjun’s direction so he can see his younger nephew getting scared by his own sneeze. 

“Cute,” Yeonjun chuckles. “He kind of looks like you.” 

“Noona thinks the same,” he says. 

Yeonjun hums at him before going back to looking at his phone. However, he turns his body, so now he has an arm folded under his head and his knees are together, lying on his side. Soobin looks at him, at his face squished making him look soft, and he voices what he’s thinking about. 

“You haven’t seen pictures of Hamin, right?” Soobin knows the answer but still asks. Yeonjun shakes his head, looking at him with curiosity. 

He opens his phone’s gallery, until he finds the last picture his sister sent to the family chat. When they broke up, Hamin was not even a year old, and while they talk about their families, Soobin hasn’t showed Yeonjun recent pictures of him. 

“He looks like you,” he sighs, handing his phone to Yeonjun, who opens his eyes just so slightly in surprise. 

“I noticed it after his first birthday,” he explains, and because he can’t keep anything for himself these days he continues talking, “to be honest I felt like the universe was trying to have fun with me.” 

“He grew up so much,” Yeonjun comments before chuckling, “and you’re right, we kind of look alike, I’m sorry.” 

He hands the phone back to Soobin, but instead of returning to what he was doing, he looks at him. 

“I couldn’t go to convenience stores to eat late at night after we broke up,” Yeonjun blurts. Soobin opens his mouth, dumbfounded by the sudden confession. “Don’t look at me like that, that’s the fair thing to do after what you told me, remember?”

That's how it used to be. You confess something and I confess another, tell me a secret and I’ll tell you one too. They’re even now. But, again, Soobin really can’t stop himself from speaking before thinking these days. 

“I couldn’t eat ramen for at least six months.” 

Yeonjun stares at him for three whole seconds before groaning. “I don’t have anything else to confess.” 

It makes Soobin laugh, “It’s okay, hyung,” he says. He didn’t say it expecting Yeonjun to keep sharing things as they used to do back then. But Yeonjun stares at him from the couch, and Soobin starts to feel nervous. 

“Now that I think about it,” he says with eyebrows furrowed and his lower lip jutting out, “I never ate at a convenience store ever again.” 

“What do you mean?” Soobin asks. 

“That I never did it again,” he repeats, “we broke up and then four months after I was on a plane to France, and I haven’t gone since I came back.”

Maybe Soobin’s problem is that he became impulsive, because before thinking it through he sits up, Yeonjun looking up at him.

“Let’s go now,” he proposes. It’s almost midnight but tomorrow they don’t have to work. 

“Now?”

“Yes, now.”

His eyes look so soft when he’s slightly taken by surprise and Soobin loves it.

“It’s too cold, you’re gonna get cold,” Yeonjun tries to reason. “And we have ramen here anyway.”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same.”

Yeonjun is staring at him with a serious gaze, but Soobin can tell he’s going to give in. He just needs to keep staring at him until he changes his mind. They stare and stare until Yeonjun sighs and a smile appears on Soobin’s face. 

And for someone who tried to say it was unnecessary and a bad idea, Yeonjun ends up picking a lot of different snacks. They eat so much that they can’t stop sighing on their way back, bellies too full of food, soda and the ice cream they shouldn’t have had. 

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

A week after, they’re watching a corny drama together, just because it’s Saturday and they’re extremely bored and have nothing better to do. The main couple is a woman in her early thirties focused on her business and a man five years younger completely awestruck by her. By the sixth episode she’s made it clear that she doesn’t have time for love and that he should try dating someone his age. The man tries to do so and starts hanging out with this pretty girl who is actually interested in him. Things escalate quite quickly and they’re making out – yeah, not the most indicated thing to watch with your ex resting his head on your shoulder, Soobin can admit it – and out of nowhere he calls the poor girl ‘noona’.

Yeonjun groans right on time when the girl starts screaming that she always knew he liked the other woman and pushes the guy away. 

“How can he be so dumb, really?” Yeonjun complains, and Soobin feels his whole face warming up. “I would die out of embarrassment if I was him.”

Yeah, Soobin gets the feeling. But he would rather die before Yeonjun notices his red face, so he keeps his mouth shut and tries to focus on the woman kicking the protagonist out of her home. Soobin just needs the blood concentrated on his cheeks and ears to go to where it belongs. 

But the universe won’t let him have that. 

“Did you fall asleep?” Yeonjun asks while sitting up, wanting to check why Soobin is so quiet. And even with the dim lights he notices right away, “Why are you so red?” 

Soobin tries to string an explanation on his head, he’s about to say that maybe something he ate gave him an allergy, but it’s too late, Yeonjun is too quick for him.

“No!” He gasps, and Soobin really wants to die right there, maybe if he has a heart attack Yeonjun will forget about this. “Yah, don’t tell me you—” 

Before Yeonjun can finish the sentence, Soobin puts a hand over his mouth, but Yeonjun just grabs Soobin’s wrist and pushes him off. 

“Yah, you really—” This time Soobin screams behind his hands, hiding his face. But Yeonjun won’t even let him do that. He grabs his hands and makes Soobin look at him. 

“Just let it go, hyung.” And it’s the wrong thing to say, because Yeonjun has always been a dumb brat.

“Hyung,” he repeats with a laugh. “That’s what you said?” 

“You’re so annoying,” Soobin pushes him and Yeonjun falls backwards onto the couch. He’s not even mad about it, he’s just laughing. 

“You have to tell me how it happened, I need to know.”

“No, you don’t.” Soobin crosses his arms over his chest, trying to seem firm.

“Come on,” Yeonjun insists, sitting up and looking at him with those stupid eyes of his, trying to coax the whole story out of him. Soobin just looks away. He’s humiliated himself in front of Yeonjun enough in this lifetime. Maybe that heart attack he was thinking about should really just come and hit him right now. “Soobinie, don’t get mad.”

Yeonjun is kneeling on the couch, staring at him from above. He’s so annoying but again, Soobin is not mad, so he gazes at him from the corner of his eye. 

“Look,” Yeonjun starts, “if you tell me about it, I’ll tell you something equally embarrassing that happened to me…” 

And well, Soobin’s always been quite nosy.

He turns his face towards Yeonjun who’s already grinning because he knows he won. 

“I was a bit drunk, okay?” He explains, because it’s important for his ego to make it known that he wasn’t using his brain to its full capacity. “I knew this guy because he was a friend of a friend, and we came across each other at the club one night. We ended up making out in the bathroom, I know, disgusting, don’t make that face,” he adds when Yeonjun grimaces. “So, as I said I was drunk and not really thinking so I just called him ‘hyung’.”

“And what did he do?” 

Now it’s Soobin’s time to grimace. 

“I think he thought I was being kinky because he looked at me for a second and then just kept going…” 

Yeonjun laughs so loud that Soobin thinks he’s going to burst a lung or something. It would be the fair thing, honestly, because he feels like his ears are permanently red now. 

“Yah, stop laughing, it’s your turn,” he complains, slapping Yeonjun’s thigh. 

“Okay, okay, let me think,” he says, jutting his lips. If Soobin hadn’t been staring at him, he would have missed how Yeonjun's face flushed suddenly. 

“What?” He asks, already eager to know, but Yeonjun shakes his head.

“No, it’s too bad.”

“Yah, it can’t be worse than mine,” Soobin says, and he doesn’t miss the subtle scrunch of Yeonjun’s nose. “It is?!” His voice comes out a little too loud, but he’s already enjoying this, especially when Yeonjun’s face turns even redder than before. 

“You know I’m kinda impulsive,” Yeonjun starts mumbling, but his eyes are set on the wall, unable to look at Soobin, “and you know how you always let me do whatever I wanted…”

Soobin hums at him, waiting for him to continue. 

“Well, let’s say I bit someone’s earlobe a bit too hard,” Soobin has to press his lips tightly together so he doesn’t laugh. However, a choked sound still escapes from his mouth and Yeonjun glances at him before whining. “That’s not even the worst part, the dude really got annoyed by it and stopped touching me, he just– he really just grabbed his things and left.”

“Just because you bit his ear?” Soobin half laughs half shrieks. 

“It was so humiliating!” Yeonjun whines. 

“Yeah, a bit, but at least there’s no one out there thinking you have a hyung kink.” Soobin is okay with humiliating himself just a bit more to make Yeonjun laugh again. 

“We’re kind of pathetic, aren’t we?” Yeonjun asks deflated. 

“Yeah,” Soobin answers, “I guess we are, hyung.”

They look at each other, both pressing their lips hard, but there’s no use. Soobin thinks they’re in trouble if by just hearing the word they explode in laughter. 

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The whole thing of watching something together after having dinner is how they end up falling asleep on the couch one night. Yeonjun must have twisted in his sleep because when Soobin wakes up, he has Yeonjun’s right arm thrown over his chest. He feels something ticklish on his collarbones, and he realizes that Yeonjun’s face is completely hidden on the curve of his neck, he’s breathing deeply, sound asleep. He’s warm too. He’s always warm and Soobin’s always cold; he can’t help to put his arms around him in the less than twenty seconds he has of fuzzy consciousness before falling asleep once again.

It’s much later when Yeonjun wakes him up. 

“Soobin,” his voice is low and slurred by the sleep, “Soobinie, wake up.” 

Soobin slowly becomes aware of Yeonjun’s hands on his shoulders. He’s too close, he’s always too close. When he’s able to open his eyes the first thing he sees is Yeonjun’s face right in front of him, his eyes are barely open and he’s pouting. He notices that Soobin is awake, so he scoots back, trying to stand up. However, since he had his legs under his body, they’re numb and he falls forward. 

He reacts too late, blame it on being awake for less than a minute. Yeonjun crashes on him and his hands go to his waist even if there’s no use. 

“Sorry,” Yeonjun chuckles. He speaks right against Soobin’s ear, and he feels the hairs in the back of his neck stand. But he ignores it, he has to ignore how every single part of his body that is being touched by Yeonjun feels tingly and warm. So, he helps him to stand, hand still on his waist until he’s sure he won’t fall again. 

“Good night, Soobin,” he says, a tiny smile pulling his lips, the type of smile he gets when he feels shy or after he’s clumsy. 

“Good night, hyung,” Soobin replies.

Maybe Soobin should bring this up. They should talk about this, they’ve been too comfortable with each other lately, and he’s not sure how it makes him feel. Glad, for one, because it’s like having Yeonjun as his best friend once again. But at the same time, there should be some sort of limit. Normal people have limits; in fact, normal people don’t go back to being besties with their exes. Or maybe he’s the one that needs limits. Soobin needs to stop himself before everything he drowned inside of him so long ago comes up to the surface. 

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Although it had been announced, the storm that starts one afternoon takes everyone by surprise with its intensity. The heavy rain floods the streets rapidly and the wind roars through the buildings, making the trees shake violently. It’s a complete nightmare for people trying to go back home. When Yeonjun arrives, he’s muttering a string of curses, his hair sticks to his forehead, and his clothes are completely drenched. 

“Stop cursing and take a shower,” Soobin grins at him, as if he hadn't arrived just an hour ago in similar conditions. 

Yeonjun throws an angry glance at him, but he starts walking. However, he’s never been a peaceful soul, so when passes by Soobin’s side, he puts one of his cold hands on the back of Soobin’s neck. He hisses loudly, but Yeonjun ignores him. 

“Yah, start chopping some vegetables so I can cook something warm,” Yeonjun orders before closing his door. 

By the time Yeonjun comes out with a cloud of steam behind his back, it has been said three times on the news that rain will continue throughout the night and will only stop by six in the morning. Yeonjun hums at what Soobin has done while he was showering, and just a couple of minutes later, the improvised soup is ready. 

It smells good, enough to make Soobin want to try it already.

“Yah, be careful,” Yeonjun warns him a little too late. Soobin burns his tongue and Yeonjun laughs at him. “I told you to be careful, dummy.”

Soobin is still waving his hand in front of his mouth, as if it could make any difference, when the lights flick once, then twice, before the power goes out. 

“Ah, you must be kidding…” Yeonjun groans. 

But it’s not a joke. Soobin turns on the flashlight of his phone when it’s clear that the power is not coming back. The building is old after all, and while the apartment is in good condition, it wouldn’t be strange that it has electrical issues when storms this strong hit the city. 

“What do we do?” He asks, and Yeonjun, the extrovert he is, simply stands with a sigh and goes out of the apartment to check if their neighbors are in the same situation as them. Soobin just stays where he is, listening through the open door. 

When Yeonjun finally returns, he just sighs again. 

“They say it won’t be coming back until tomorrow morning, it’s always like this and it’s even worse during monsoon.” 

Well, Minhyuk had warned them about the building having its problems.

They finish eating using Yeonjun’s tablet as illumination. Even the Internet signal is awful because they video they put on the background only loads on 720p, which feels prehistoric if you ask Soobin. 

After that, and since the power won’t be coming back any time soon, they decide to just go to bed even if it’s early. Besides, Soobin is starting to feel cold. He’s just realizing how cold the building actually is when the heating system is not working. He washes his face in a hurry and wraps himself as best as he can with the blankets. 

He’s starting to fall asleep when he hears two soft knocks on his door. 

“What is it, hyung?” He asks loudly enough for Yeonjun to listen through the door. He’s not going to get up again to step onto the cold floor ​​if it is not a matter of life or death. 

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” Soobin replies after a bit.

“The Internet is not working and I’m bored,” Yeonjun explains. 

“And what do you want me to do?” Soobin sits up because he can tell where this is going.

“You could be funny for once in your life and talk with me for a bit.” Yeonjun’s already pouting and Soobin wants to laugh at how easily he gets riled up. 

Although it is not completely necessary since the light coming from the street is enough to illuminate Soobin’s room, he turns on the fake candles his sister gave him some time ago. He didn’t think they would be useful one day beyond serving as decoration. In his old apartment electricity worked just fine even if the sky was falling. 

He’s setting the last candle back on the nightstand when Yeonjun hums. He’s been staring at him, just standing awkwardly in front of the bed, arms wrapped around himself. Soobin’s about to ask him to sit, but Yeonjun speaks faster. 

“Can I get under the blankets? It’s cold.” 

And Soobin is certainly dumbfounded by the question. However, as he often does, he tries to play it cool not to make it weird. 

“Of course you’re cold, you’re only wearing a t-shirt,” he scoffs, scooting to the side and pulling the blankets back.  

It’s not a big deal. It shouldn’t be a big deal. They used to sleep together before they were anything. He’s shared a bed with Beomgyu a thousand times. Is something friends do, besides, who says Yeonjun is going to sleep here, he’s just bored. He’s going to leave as soon as he feels tired. 

Yeonjun pulls the covers until only his face is out. He’s looking at the ceiling, but Soobin still can see his eyebrows furrowing.

“Your room is even colder than mine,” he complains. 

“And what do you want me to do?” Soobin snaps back. 

“So annoying,” Yeonjun mutters, kicking him softly. “Let’s play something, I’m bored.” 

“Why can’t you just sleep like a normal person would do in these cases?” Soobin asks just for the sake of picking on Yeonjun. 

“Sorry for having an active brain, unlike yours.” Yeonjun even sticks his tongue in Soobin’s direction. Soobin’s natural reaction is to kick Yeonjun. “Yah!”

“You did it too,” he complains. 

They bicker for a while, Soobin completely forgetting his crisis about being under the same covers.  In the end, Yeonjun proposes they try to guess what the other is thinking about. They have a category and the one guessing can make five yes or no questions. It’s fun until Yeonjun wins three times in a row. Soobin’s such a bad loser and Yeonjun’s ego feeds on these kinds of stupid things. When Yeonjun guesses right for the fourth time and he wiggles in bed, dancing goofily as a celebration, Soobin’s had enough. 

“I don’t want to play anymore,” he grunts. 

“You’re such a bad loser,” Yeonjun laughs. And Soobin knows, he really does. “Stop sulking like a baby, I’m sorry for being too smart for you.”

“I’m not sulking.” He is. “And you’re not that smart, hyung.”

“Just because you’re a dummy it doesn’t mean I’m one too,” Yeonjun sighs. “We need to accept ourselves, Soobinie, is time you accept you’re a bit dumb actually.”

They turned to look at each other while playing, so when Soobin moves his feet to kick Yeonjun he’s too close, hitting him harder than he intended too. 

“Ouch!” Yeonjun yells. 

“M’sorry,” Soobin rushes, but there’s no use. Yeonjun pulls his arms out from under the covers to go for the neck of Soobin’s hoodie.

“It hurt, you idiot,” Yeonjun whines while shaking Soobin, but instead of intimidating him, it only makes Soobin laugh.

“I said I’m sorry,” he tries again, but he can’t contain his laugh because now Yeonjun is the one sulking. 

“I don’t believe you,” Yeonjun whines before deciding to play dirty, grabbing Soobin’s collarbones, knowing damn well that Soobin is ticklish. 

“Yah!” Soobin screams, he’s laughing against his will this time and tries to push Yeonjun away, but there’s no use. “Hyung! Hyung, don’t!” 

Soobin is not thinking when he grabs Yeonjun’s wrists. He just wants Yeonjun to stop tickling him. Yeonjun tries to break free, and Soobin holds his hands tighter, he wiggles, and Soobin pushes his hands away until Yeonjun ends up laying on his back, his hands pinned on each side of his head by Soobin’s.

They’re breathing heavily, Yeonjun’s chest rising and falling. Their eyes meet and when Yeonjun’s eyelashes flutter it’s like everything stops, even the rain decides to stay still in the air, no longer hitting the window.

Soobin always thought Yeonjun’s eyes were pretty. He used to stare at his eyes until he made Yeonjun feel embarrassed, turning away from Soobin’s gaze. But this time, Yeonjun doesn’t look away, he stares back at Soobin. He exhales and the air hits Soobin’s face, a warm and tremulous wave that makes him shiver. Soobin would like to say that he let Yeonjun go, that Yeonjun backed away, mumbling an embarrassed sorry. He would like to say that Yeonjun got up, mumbling it was okay before whispering a good night. 

And Soobin would like to say he doesn’t know who leaned in first. 

Because he knows it was him. He barely brought his face closer, but it was him. And even if he stopped midway, something inside of him keeping him from closing the distance, it doesn’t matter. Yeonjun moves forward, catching his lips. 

It feels right. There should be a part of Soobin screaming at him for being stupid, telling him how wrong this is. But the only thing he can think of is that Yeonjun’s lips are even softer than he remembered and that it feels right. And it’s been so long since kissing somebody felt that way, Soobin can’t stop. He doesn’t want to, not even the smallest part of him. 

Soobin lets go of Yeonjun’s wrists in favor of holding himself up, and Yeonjun uses his free hands immediately, grabbing Soobin’s face and keeping him close. The wind roars against the window and changes rain’s direction, hitting the glass with force, and they just kiss harder. Yeonjun bites Soobin’s lower lip and Soobin just lets him, like he always did. And in return, when Soobin runs his tongue on Yeonjun’s lips, Yeonjun lets him in.  

Yeonjun’s t-shirt is crumpled up, so when Soobin goes for his waist, he touches the skin directly, making Yeonjun hiss.

“You’re cold,” he complains.

“How sad,” Soobin replies, voice coming out ragged. 

Yeonjun lets go of his face to go under the hoodie he’s wearing, pressing his equally cold hands on Soobin’s sides. Soobin is a bad loser, but Yeonjun doesn’t know how to lose either. He tries to complain, but all his words die on Yeonjun’s lips, dissolved by a kiss that turns hungrier, hands touching with greed and a barely contained desperation. Yeonjun’s hands roam up, rolling Soobin’s hoodie. He can’t tell if it’s the chilly air or just Yeonjun’s touch that gives him goosebumps. And if it was just the latter, it would be okay because when his own hand grazes over Yeonjun’s ribs until he reaches his chest, he whines against Soobin’s lips. The sound breaks something inside of Soobin, everything he’s been pushing into a hole in the furthest part of his brain is escaping, flooding him. One of his legs is between Yeonjun’s and when he presses his hips forward, Soobin lets himself do the same. Whatever Yeonjun wants, he wants it too. Whatever he allows him to take he will take, and whatever he asks for, Soobin will give it to him. 

Yeonjun whines again, pulling Soobin’s hoodie up, trying to get the message across. When they part, breathing hard, they have the perfect opportunity to stop this. But instead, Soobin just lets Yeonjun take off his hoodie and throw it on the floor. And then he does the same with Yeonjun’s t-shirt. They stare at each other for a second too long and they should use the pause to think, but instead, Soobin goes for Yeonjun’s neck. Lips tracing up until he reaches his jaw, and when Yeonjun grabs his hair and pushes him, it’s not for telling him to stop but for pressing their lips together once again. 

It’s not the only opportunity, they have many more to wake up and realize that what they’re doing is a mistake: when Yeonjun bites him too hard and he mumbles an apology, making Soobin laugh; when Soobin rolls his hips with more intention and Yeonjun lets out a moan too loud, and he has to remind him that the walls are paper thin; when they laugh about it, looking at each other before kissing again. They have so many opportunities, but they let them all pass. 

Yeonjun plays with the hem of Soobin’s sweatpants. “Can I?” He asks hidden in the curve of Soobin’s neck. He nods and then asks the same thing. And then it becomes scary. Soobin never grew to be comfortable enough with other people, even if he tried, there was always this sense of having to be alert; of himself, of the other person, of everything around them… But with Yeonjun it is too easy to let himself go; he just drowns in how it feels. Yeonjun’s hand around him, his own grabbing Yeonjun and making him hiss, Yeonjun’s plush lips against his neck, the soft moans. He’s drowning and he wants more, so much more. 

“Want to— can we—” he starts, and Yeonjun answers before he can even finish the question.

“Me too, me too,” he mumbles against his skin. 

It should be weird, but the feeling of awkwardness never arrives. Not when Yeonjun pushes him softly just to take his pants out and pulls Soobin’s clothes so he does the same thing already; not when they just stare at each other, trying to absorb every single detail even if the lights are so low; not even when Yeonjun asks him if he has condoms and lube, and S00bin clumsily opens the drawer of his nightstand. There’s familiarity in what they’re doing, and Soobin knows he can be this vulnerable with Yeonjun and nothing bad is going to happen, and Soobin hopes Yeonjun still knows it.

Yeonjun grabs Soobin’s hair when Soobin presses the first finger inside, and Soobin gets it again, the feeling of having lived this before. Because he has, Yeonjun always liked to pull his hair to distract himself from the initial discomfort, trying to relax. If Soobin closed his eyes and just focused on Yeonjun’s breathing, he could pretend they’re in his old apartment. Just another night when things were still alright, just two idiots in love. But they’re on a different bed, the hair Yeonjun is pulling is no longer black, and while in the past they shouldn’t be having sex because next day they have classes early in the morning, now there’s a reason they shouldn’t be ignoring. But Soobin doesn’t have the mind for that, not when Yeonjun moans loudly when he presses the third finger and goes deeper. He shushes him softly this time, leaving soft kisses on his face and whispering gentle words, no longer worrying for the neighbors, he just wants Yeonjun to feel good. 

He repeats the action later, when he presses inside and Yeonjun’s eyes water just so slightly. Yeonjun kisses him back hard, and Soobin drowns. He only comes back to the surface when he grabs the back of Yeonjun’s thigh, making his next movement sharper, and Yeonjun gasps.

He can’t help but chuckle, Yeonjun still does it. After all this time he still does it and Soobin feels like going crazy. Something he came to learn, a thing he used to search for because it meant he was doing something right. A reaction he was so stupidly obsessed with because, while Yeonjun was loud and noisy in every single aspect of his life, he always lost his words in bed. That breathy sound, a soft gasp that would leave his lips parted when it felt too good, when the sensation took him by surprise. And Soobin loved it, it made him go dumb, especially when Yeonjun’s breath turned ragged, an uncoordinated thing that would turn into a complete disaster just right before cumming.

“What?” He asked in the middle of another gasp, making Soobin chuckle again. “What’s so funny?” 

And there’s no point in lying and being honest Soobin lost the ability to think long ago, he couldn’t come up with anything even if he tried. 

“You still do it,” he answers, making Yeonjun look at him with a confused gaze, “that thing.”

“What?” He repeats. 

He presses Yeonjun’s leg higher and thrusts harder, pushing another gasp out of him. 

“That,” he repeats, unable to stop the grin on his face after receiving the reaction he wanted. 

And the sadistic bone in him wants to make fun of Yeonjun, but he quickly forgets about it when he feels Yeonjun’s hand in the back of his neck, tangling his fingers in his hair and pulling firmly. And Soobin remembers that too.

That used to mean again. And by the look in Yeonjun’s eyes, it must still mean the same thing.  

It is pathetic, perhaps, that he remembers so many details about Yeonjun, about how they used to be. But he can’t stop himself from feeling high on it, on the fact that there’s something that didn’t change. Maybe tomorrow it will weigh on him but right now, when he picks up the pace and makes Yeonjun moan one last time before he completely loses his words and the rhythm of his breath, Soobin can’t think of anything but the present.

Chapter Text

Taehyun asks for the hundredth time if he’s okay, and Soobin lies for the hundredth time replying he’s alright. 

“I didn’t get to sleep well because of the storm, I’m okay, seriously, stop worrying,” Soobin even smiles to make it more convincing, but Taehyun doesn’t believe him, he can tell. However, Taehyun doesn’t insist, he just sighs before going back to work, leaving Soobin once again alone with his thoughts. 

He woke up alone. Of course he woke up alone. They fell asleep next to each other, Yeonjun’s face hidden in the curve of Soobin’s neck. Yet, Soobin didn’t feel him leaving. 

They fucked up.

He fucked up.

It hit him like a truck, the reality of what they did. What were they thinking? He got up quickly, he still had time before having to go to work so he grabbed the sheets and threw them in the washing machine. What was he thinking?

Yeonjun was going to kick him out.

He should text Beomgyu and ask him if his couch was still free. 

But what was he going to tell him? Hi, last night me and hyung got carried away and had sex and that is obviously going to destroy the whole thing about living together and going back to being friends so— do you think I can sleep on your couch for the rest of the year?

Soobin feels like throwing up. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The first time they kissed, they were at Yeonjun’s apartment. 

It was Friday night, and they went out with Beomgyu and Wooyoung. Soobin used to say that they were too loud, but he knew that he became as loud as them when he drank. Still, it was fun to tease Beomgyu and Wooyoung, until they ended up saying they preferred Yeonjun over him. They strolled around the city, ate a lot of food and by the time they said goodbye, it was so late that Yeonjun told Soobin to stay over at his place. 

They should have gone to sleep as soon as they entered the apartment, instead they were lazing off on Yeonjun’s couch. It was big enough for the two of them to fit, but Soobin had his head in Yeonjun’s lap, and the older boy was playing with his hair while scrolling through the pictures they took during the evening. Soobin, the nerd he was, was reading the last chapter of a manga, until Yeonjun said something.

“What?” Soobin said, putting his phone down and looking up at Yeonjun. 

“I said my teeth look weird,” he replied with a pout, putting his phone in front of Soobin’s face. 

He was smiling in the photograph, and, in fact, his front teeth were noticeably bigger. But Soobin liked it, the photograph and Yeonjun’s smile. He always thought he looked cute when he smiled like that. So, he said it.

“You look cute, hyung.”

“I’m not saying that, I’m saying that my teeth are weird.”

“Hyung, they’re not weird,” Soobin tried again. 

“They are,” Yeonjun insisted, as he tended to do with these topics. “They make me look weird.”

“Hyung, you don’t look weird.”

“I do.” 

Soobin wasn’t really thinking. He was frustrated with Yeonjun talking non-sense. He leaned forward, and with his free hand he pushed Yeonjun’s lower lip, making him part his lips. 

“See, you still look pretty.”

For Soobin, Yeonjun was always cute, sometimes handsome when he wanted praises. But he never used the word pretty out loud. He always thought about it, how pretty Yeonjun was, how could he be so pretty? But he kept it for himself, never wanting to make things weird between them. 

It was too late to back up now, Yeonjun’s eyes became round, eyebrows furrowing just so slightly. 

“Pretty?” He mumbled, lips moving against Soobin’s thumb that was still touching his mouth. They were so close, Soobin’s heart sped up, hammering in his chest, and he wondered if Yeonjun could hear it. 

He doesn’t know what pushed him to say it, what got into him to throw everything out of the window. Maybe it was the months they’d spent dancing around each other, the undeniable pull he felt for Yeonjun. Maybe he just needed to say it or otherwise he was going to explode. But he nodded dumbly.

“Yes, hyung, the prettiest person I’ve ever seen.”

Yeonjun leaned first that time. 

Their position was strange, but Soobin couldn’t care less about a potential back pain when kissing Yeonjun felt so good. They kissed and kissed and kissed, until Yeonjun pushed Soobin just to get all over him. 

Maybe they always had the same problem, because Yeonjun was suddenly straddling him, Soobin’s hands finding Yeonjun’s waist. They never knew when to stop, never having enough. They made out until Soobin had to tell Yeonjun, ears burning and face red, that he had never had sex, and Yeonjun gasped scandalized.

“I wasn’t thinking of doing that, idiot!”

“Then why were you touching me like that?!”

“You were touching me too!” 

Yeonjun had a point, so Soobin just looked at him. 

“I just got a bit carried away,” Yeonjun mumbled in the end. “Besides, we haven’t even confessed yet.”

“Confess?” Soobin asked.

“Yeah, Soobin, confess.” Yeonjun was still on his lap, looking down at him with his pretty eyes and an annoyed pout. “I like you, I really, really like you.”

“I like you too,” Soobin replied after a bit because wow, Choi Yeonjun liked him. He was going to need a whole month to properly process it. “I like you so much.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” Yeonjun said back.

“You’re so annoying.”

“Yeah, but you still like me,” he sing-songed, making fun of Soobin. “You like me so, so much…”

He shut Yeonjun with a kiss. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Soobin would be lying if he said he hasn’t been drowning in his own puddle of misery since he arrived. Why does Yeonjun have to finish work later than him? He paced around the apartment until he got tired, so now he’s waiting sprawled on his bed, face down. He should be packing his things instead of wasting time. At least he made his bed, which felt both like a challenge and a punishment. He did his best to keep every thought of last night away because remembering the smallest thing made him feel a mix between embarrassment and guilt. 

The rational part of his mind is trying to tell him that both of them are responsible, but Soobin knows he leaned first for the kiss. Therefore, it’s his fault. 

Yeonjun has all the right in the world to kick him out. 

But why didn't Yeonjun stop him? 

The door’s lock beeps, and Soobin’s heart starts racing. He listens to Yeonjun taking off his shoes, his bare feet stepping down the aisle. For three whole seconds Soobin considers the idea of jumping out of the window. But he’s an adult now, and he knows what’s the right thing to do.

So, when Yeonjun sighs and calls his name softly, Soobin gets up. 

He’s standing in front of Soobin’s door, but he’s looking to the side. 

“Yes, hyung?”

“We need to talk,” Yeonjun mumbles. 

“Yeah, I know.”

It’s awkward. Walking to the living, sitting on each extreme of the couch, waiting for the other to speak. It’s awkward and Soobin hates it. He wants to say something, but he doesn’t know where to starts because his head is a mess.

So, he waits for Yeonjun to speak first. 

“I think,” Yeonjun starts, breathing deep, “we weren’t really thinking last night.”

“I’m sorry.” Soobin’s been waiting the whole day to say it, but no relief comes after he does, rather the weight in his chest only becomes heavier. 

Yeonjun shakes his head strongly. 

“No, don’t say that,” he utters, “we just— I think we just got confused, we got too close but not close as when we were friends, but as when we were together…” 

He’s right. Soobin knows he’s right.

“I think—” Yeonjun says for the third time, repeating his words because he’s nervous, and Soobin knows he’s about to kick him out. Yeonjun is playing anxiously with his fingers and is not looking at Soobin, opting to stare at the coffee table. But he doesn’t continue, he grimaces and sighs. 

“It’s okay, hyung,” Soobin replies, because it actually is. 

“No, it’s not…” 

“It is,” Soobin insists. “I can ask Beomgyu if he can have me for a while, then I’ll figure it out.”

“What?” Yeonjun finally looks at him, nothing but confusion on his face. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m going to stay with Beomgyu, we talked about this, you have a contract with Minhyuk, and I don’t,” he explains.

“Soobin, what are you talking about?” Yeonjun looks annoyed, almost angry. And Soobin doesn’t get it. It’s the obvious thing to do. Is Yeonjun the one that wants to leave instead of asking Soobin to live somewhere else? That would be stupid, and Soobin would tell him so if that’s what Yeonjun really wants. 

“You— I have to leave,” Soobin explains, however, Yeonjun’s face makes him regret his tone, “right?” 

“No!” Yeonjun replies, and Soobin can see the exact moment when everything clicks for Yeonjun. “You thought I was going to kick you out?” 

Suddenly, Soobin feels stupid.

“I wouldn’t— How could you think— I wasn’t going to ask you that!” 

“I don’t know!” Soobin exhales. Yeonjun looks annoyed, and it makes Soobin feel annoyed too. “I just know I fucked up and made things uncomfortable.”

“You didn't do it alone,” Yeonjun spats and looks away. His cheeks are red, but Soobin doesn’t want to think about it, or his own face will turn red. “And yes, things are weird right now, but I wouldn’t ask you to leave, we just need to solve this like mature people.”

Soobin wants to reply that he doesn’t know if mature people have sex with their roommate that happens to be their ex. But that’s beyond Yeonjun’s point so he opts for slouching on the couch, his eyes looking at the ceiling. 

“What do you propose?” Soobin asks, voice much lower now. 

“I think we should try to keep some distance.” Yeonjun’s voice is low too, an almost frail thing, and Soobin feels the heaviness on his chest grow. “We have been doing every single thing together, and we already live together and spend a lot of time with each other, we obviously got confused…”

“So, we continue to live together…” Soobin resumes, still looking at the ceiling, trying to keep the thing in his chest from overflowing. 

“Yes, but instead of spending so much time here we go out and— we just stop doing everything together like we’ve been doing.”

It sounds simple. It sounds too simple.

“And we pretend nothing happened?” Even if it’s quite obvious Soobin needs to ask. 

“Yes,” Yeonjun replies after a beat. 

“Okay,” Soobin murmurs.

It’s simple, really. 

Until Yeonjun sighs by his side and Soobin just feels like closing his eyes and falling asleep until everything goes back to normal. It’s not simple. Soobin knows it’s not, but it’s easier if they pretend it is. 

Yeonjun gets up and Soobin keeps his eyes staring at the white paint. He doesn’t want to look at him. He wants to take a shower and sleep. 

“Yah, Bin-ah” Yeonjun calls, forcing Soobin to look at him. Yeonjun is finally looking back at him, eyes too shiny. Soobin won’t think about that. Soobin shouldn’t think about it. “Let’s have dinner together tonight though, I’ll cook whatever you want.” 

Soobin guesses Yeonjun will always worry too much for him.

And he guesses he’ll never be able to say no to Yeonjun either. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Soobin spends the next three weeks going out with Taehyun to have dinner after work or letting Beomgyu drag him to art galleries and random photography exhibitions. Sometimes, Yeonjun steals Beomgyu from him. If he doesn’t, then he meets with Kai or Wooyoung.

They barely see each other. Yeonjun is always already leaving the apartment when Soobin gets up in the morning. When they come back at night they do talk, but never for too long. They no longer stay laying in the living room until late. Now Yeonjun goes straight to his room, and Soobin imitates him. Still, they leave their doors open for a while, so when Soobin sends him something funny (because they still send each other silly videos and random things), he can at least hear Yeonjun’s laugh. 

One day they do have dinner together. Yeonjun won a coupon for pizza, so he calls Soobin telling him not to eat a single thing until he arrives. Soobin is a bit taken aback, but he still does as Yeonjun said. And it’s good that he did, because Yeonjun appears with three boxes of pizza. They eat until breathing feels difficult and laughing is painful, having to slap the other in the arm so they stop with whatever is making them laugh. It’s like nothing had happened. Soobin forgets about everything, the last month vanishes and he feels light. At least until Yeonjun gets up, telling Soobin that he’s going to take a shower and go to bed. 

When Yeonjun’s door closes, Soobin feels miserable. 

The feeling hits him out of nowhere, a sudden sadness that he doesn’t understand.

And Soobin does not want to understand nor know where it comes from. So, he copies Yeonjun and goes to bed early.

But he can’t fall asleep. He stares at the ceiling at imagines how things could be if they had never dated. Maybe they would still be good friends. They wouldn’t have had such a hard time all those years ago. Things would have been easier.

Maybe they would have never grown apart.

And even if they had done so after Yeonjun left, maybe they still would have found themselves in this exact situation, having to live together.

Maybe they would have fallen in love, not again but for the first time.

Soobin falls asleep.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

A couple of days later, Yeonjun texts him when he’s on his way back from work. He wants to know if it’s okay if he invites Wooyoung over. Soobin’s too tired to type a reply, so he sends a sticker and hopes Yeonjun gets it. 

His mom called earlier, she wanted to know when he was going them. She said his dad was sorry, that he misses him as much as she does, but he’s too proud to say it out loud. Soobin wanted to laugh bitterly and reply that yeah, he’s just like that, but that would have been too cruel for his mother. She’s always the one that ends in the middle of them and their stupid fights. Soobin shouldn’t make things more difficult for her. Thus, Soobin replied that he’s too busy right now. He knows he could travel during the weekend, but he really doesn’t want to go back home. Not for now. He feels miserable enough. 

He’s been avoiding everything, and he’ll continue to do so. 

He doesn’t want to confront his dad. He doesn’t want to face all the emotions he has been bottling up since the year started. Since they fought. Since he found himself without a place to live. Since he saw Yeonjun again in the living room. 

He doesn’t want to think about Yeonjun. 

Yeonjun in the past. Yeonjun’s absence. Yeonjun in the present. 

It’s all pointless. 

It would hurt too much. 

He puts everything back in the same box in the furthest part of his mind before opening the door. However, his tiredness must still be evident, because when he enters the apartment and greets a cheery Wooyoung, Yeonjun asks him if something happened. 

“Just a rough day, there’s this song they need for a girl group and they keep asking for changes.” Half a truth, half a lie. 

Yeonjun hums and Soobin wants to slap himself for being too transparent, a stupid open book. It’s like everyone can read him. Even Wooyoung eyes him carefully. They’re sitting on the carpet, there’s glasses on the coffee table, a bottle of soju and beers. 

“It’s been a while,” Wooyoung says in the end. And it’s been a while indeed. Soobin had seen him but always from afar. He looks mature now, his round cheeks disappeared and there’s something different in his gaze. His hair is longer now too, longer than he used to have it back then. It suits him. “You look good, Soobin-ah.”

The comment makes his ears turn red, even if he was thinking the exact same thing about him. 

“Ah,” he mumbles, feeling like his tongue is too big on his mouth, a hand going up to scratch the back of his head. “You too, hyung.”

Yeonjun chuckles at their interaction, and Wooyoung follows him. It eases the air, or at least Soobin feels like it does. 

“Come here, bring another glass,” Wooyoung says, making a gesture with his hand, like he was the one living here. Soobin almost steps towards the kitchen, not questioning Wooyoung’s orders, but he stops himself. He looks at Yeonjun, unsure if he’s okay with that. Yeonjun catches right away what he’s thinking, because he softly nods at him, a small smile forming on his face. Wooyoung doesn’t notice though, “Bring another bottle of soju too, please.”

Soobin turns around, but he hears the slap Yeonjun gives to Wooyoung. 

“You’re annoying,” Yeonjun groans, and Wooyoung just laughs. 

When Soobin sits with them, Wooyoung asks about what he’s been doing. Soobin feels like the whole year’s been about meeting with people and talking about his life. He guesses he can’t comply because Yeonjun must have it worse since he came back from living abroad. And then, in fact, they start talking about work and it leads to Yeonjun having to explain how things were in the academy he worked for in Paris. It ends with Wooyoung enunciating a very nasal oh la la that makes Yeonjun palm his face in utter exasperation. Wooyoung is still laughing when he serves Yeonjun another glass of soju. 

“Ah,” he says suddenly, the bottle still in his hand, “the pride parade is going to be the 30th, are you coming?”

Yeonjun nods energetically before taking a sip from his glass. They’re facing each other and not looking at Soobin. Because Wooyoung didn’t ask Soobin, why would he? Soobin didn’t go when he and Yeonjun were together, and he didn’t go after either. He did think about it, but it didn’t feel right. But now—

“Can I go with you?” Soobin asks. 

He sees from the corner of his eye how Wooyoung eyebrows go up, but his attention is on Yeonjun. Soobin always liked the way his eyebrows went to the sides and how his lips pursed when he was taken by surprise. However, right now his reaction makes Soobin nervous. Maybe he should have asked later. 

Wooyoung looks between them, mouth open but certainly waiting for Yeonjun to speak. But Yeonjun is just staring at Soobin, eyes too bright. 

Right when Soobin opens his mouth to say he’s sorry, Wooyoung decides to cough, making Yeonjun react. 

“Yes,” Yeonjun swallows, nods once, then twice. “Yeah, of course you can, Bin-ah.”

Soobin imitates him and nods too. 

“Yes, it will be fun,” Wooyoung adds. 

“Thank you,” Soobin replies. And thank god Wooyoung is there, because he pours more beer on Soobin glass and starts talking, making everything less uncomfortable.

When he leaves, tipsy and face slightly red, he presses an exaggerated and loud kiss on Yeonjun’s cheek. Soobin pushes him away before he tries to do the same with him, which makes Wooyoung laugh. In the end, he just pats his back.

“See you at pride, Soobin-ah,” he says before closing the door. 

Yeonjun starts cleaning then, and Soobin offers to help even if he just wants to lie down. But, Yeonjun just shakes his head, telling him that he’s okay. Soobin doesn’t press, they already spent a long time together and he doesn’t want to cross any line. 

For the same reason, he’s not expecting the knock on his door much later at night. 

The door is open, yet Yeonjun waits for Soobin to tell him that it’s okay, that he can come in. But Soobin can’t find his voice. Yeonjun shouldn’t enter. They shouldn’t be alone in his room, not again. 

Yeonjun, the mind reader he seems to be nowadays, clears his throat before speaking.

“Yah, I just want to talk with you, I won’t try anything funny this time.”

“Why would you say that?” Soobin grimaces. 

“Because if we joke about it, it will be less weird.” He has a point. “And I can't make jokes about this with anyone but you.” He has another point.

“Come in,” Soobin sighs, defeated. He sits straight with his back against the headboard, and scoots his legs up, leaving space for Yeonjun. However, Yeonjun doesn’t get it and just stands in front of the bed awkwardly, which annoys Soobin more than it should. “Don’t stand there, sit down.”

Yeonjun eyes the free space on his bed with hesitation. His gaze moving from it to Soobin, then back to the bed and back to Soobin. 

“I won’t try anything funny either,” Soobin jokes, and Yeonjun's face goes red, making Soobin laugh. 

“You’re so—” Soobin is a hundred percent sure that Yeonjun was about to say fucking annoying, but he bit his tongue, knowing he was the one that started it. 

“What is it?” Soobin asks when Yeonjun finally sits down, legs crossed. 

“I know you’re the one who asked, but I still need to make sure.” Yeonjun expression changes, and Soobin understands it’s something serious. He scratches his arm, and the movement alone makes Soobin nervous, feeling Yeonjun’s anxiety. “Are you really okay with going to pride? I looked it up and the parade wasn’t permitted. I know things have changed, that you changed, but I still worry… I worry so much about you and I don’t want you to have a hard time there.” 

Soobin’s sure one day his lungs are going to collapse. The wave of sadness, one that is old and comes from a different time, floods his chest and reaches his throat. It’s too much. Yet, there’s warmth too. The warmth that Yeonjun always made him feel. 

“It’s okay, hyung, it really is.” He wishes he could at least hold Yeonjun’s hand. Just this time. Just to get his message across. “I’m fine now, it’ll be okay.”

Yeonjun stares at him, reading his face. He nods softly after a moment.

“I’m glad,” he says, a small smile pulling his lips. “I already told you, but I’m happy for you, I really am.” 

Soobin wishes they could hug. He wants Yeonjun to hug him now. Because it’s been such a ride to go from the scared child he used to be to the person he’s right now. Because Soobin feels like Yeonjun is the only person who gets it, the only one that truly understands this part of him. 

But Yeonjun’s warm eyes must have to do for now, Soobin knows. 

“There’s something else too,” he looks away, hugging his legs and that’s even worse than seeing him scratching his arm. “I feel like I shouldn’t say this because it is my fault, and you have the right to be mad about it and tell me I’m doing wrong because I came up with the whole thing.”

“What is it?” Soobin asks, already too anxious for Yeonjun to make a pause. Yeonjun just shakes his head to the side, the gesture he tends to do when he’s embarrassed, when something is difficult for him. 

“I miss you.”

Soobin might just really stop breathing one of these days. 

“I know it’s dumb because I was the one that told you that we should keep some distance, and I feel like I’m not making sense, but I miss you. And you seemed so down these days, and I knew something was happening, and I wanted to ask you all the time, but I felt guilty because I know part of it is my fault. And I really just wanted to make it better, but I felt so stupid.” Yeonjun speaks too fast, as he does when he’s anxious. He breathes deeply twice before talking again. “What I want to say is that I’m sorry, and that I came here to talk with you because no matter what happens I worry about you.”

Soobin doesn’t know where to start. He’s feeling too many things at once. He’s a glass about to overflow, everything threatening to flood out of his mouth. He keeps silent, mouth completely closed for what it feels like an eternity. Yeonjun just quietly waits for Soobin to order the words in his head. 

“It made me sad, hyung,” Soobin finally says, almost whispering. He doesn’t want Yeonjun to feel bad, but at the same time he knows he needs to be honest. “I didn’t want to think too much about it, but it made me sad because it reminded me how I felt when you left.”

Yeonjun hugs his legs closer to his chest, but he nods, a signal for Soobin to continue, that it’s okay. 

“When you left it felt like you carried on and I was left behind. I know it wasn’t like that, but it felt like that. And when Beomgyu told me you were going to stay for at least another year I felt like I had lost any hope of having you back in my life. I felt dumb for wanting to be close to you again, even as a friend, but we did everything together back then and suddenly you weren’t there anymore.” And it hurt. Soobin doesn’t say it because he knows it hurt for Yeonjun too. It would be unfair. “And now that you were finally back and we were back to being friends, I fucked up.”

“Bin-ah,” Yeonjun calls him so softly.

“And I know it’s not like that, but it feels like it’s easy for you, and for me it’s always hard.” Soobin swallows loudly, trying to dissolve the lump in his throat. “But now you say you missed me, and you show you worry, and it makes me feel stupid because it’s hard for you too.”

When Soobin stops talking, he’s suddenly aware of how silent the apartment is. He can even listen to the upstairs neighbors moving around, probably getting ready to go to bed. 

“First,” Yeonjun says before Soobin gets even more anxious with the silence, “you’re right, it’s difficult for me too, but I’m still sorry for how you felt.”

He makes a pause, breathing deeply.

“Then and now, I’m really sorry.”

“Hyung—”

“No, it’s okay, I’m sorry for that. And I’m sorry for the idea of keeping some distance, it didn’t help at all and only made both of us feel miserable.”

Soobin contains a scoff, because he didn’t use the word miserable, but Yeonjun must have had a similar train of thought as him during the last few days. 

“Second, stop saying you fucked up. I was there too, dummy, I made my own decisions. It’s not like you had sex with the air.”

Soobin groans at that.

“I hate it when you say something stupid just to make me feel better.”

“I know, but I still made you smile.” Yeonjun is smiling too, and that’s what makes him actually feel a bit better. “But seriously, stop thinking it was your fault. I’ll repeat it until you understand that we both did something stupid, not just you.”

Soobin nods. He breathes deeply. He feels so much lighter now, but there’s still something he needs to take out of his chest because he has been keeping it all to himself and he’s tired, and Yeonjun is the only person he feels he can speak to about it. 

“I wasn’t sad just because of this, work has been hard, that wasn’t a lie. And— the thing with my dad, it still makes me feel bad, but I don’t want to talk to him. I can’t. My mom’s been telling me to go to visit them, but I really can’t. I feel like if I go there, I’m going to explode, tell them everything and just— it scares me, how I could react and what their reaction could be.”

“You want to tell them?” Yeonjun asks softly. 

“I don’t know, but I’m tired. And I still feel hurt for what he did, and it’s just a mix of sadness and anger, and I’m tired of feeling this weight on my chest.” His vision gets blurry, and Soobin feels the first tear run down his cheek without further warning. 

Yeonjun is quicker than him, moving closer and pressing the sleeve of his sweater right under his eye. “It’s okay,” he whispers, and Soobin has lost count of how many times he has said the same words. Another tear runs down, this time from his right eye and Yeonjun puts his hand there, making Soobin laugh wetly. More tears escape Soobin’s eyes and Yeonjun catches every single one of them.

“I feel like I said too much,” Soobin blurts out after he’s calmer. 

Yeonjun hums, finally putting down his hand. There’s a big spot on his sleeve and Soobin wants to laugh and cry some more because of it. 

“Want me to tell you something so we’re even?” 

“What could you tell me to make this even?” Soobin asks back, because he just dumped a whole emotional baggage on Yeonjun and he can’t imagine something that could balance the situation. 

“When I was abroad, I went to therapy.” 

Soobin’s eyebrows go up, and a “ah” sound escapes his mouth.

“I know,” Yeonjun says, laughing at Soobin’s face. “You and Beomgyu always told me I should give it a try, but I was too scared back then. But when I was in there, I felt like I had to do it or otherwise I was going to be stuck forever with the same problems. So, I did it over face call, and it actually helped a lot because it felt a lot less intimidating.”

“It still makes me feel weird, the fact that I had to do it and talk about everything that happened. But it did help me.” Yeonjun does it again, the tilt of his head to one side. “I still struggle though. But I’m much better.”

“I’m glad,” Soobin says then. He truly is. 

After the incident with Jihoon at the train station, Soobin and Beomgyu often found Yeonjun staring into nothingness. Soobin doesn’t know when Yeonjun told Beomgyu about it, and he wouldn’t ask. But he was aware Beomgyu knew about Jihoon. 

Yeonjun was fine most of the time, but those moments when he seemed so far away, eyes unfocused and nails digging into his own skin without noticing made both of them worry. It was Beomgyu who suggested it for the first time. Yeonjun had shrugged his shoulders and said it was nothing, that he was okay. He kept doing it every single time, until one day Beomgyu and Yeonjun fought over it. Soobin didn’t bring it up anymore after that. 

“Yah, Soobin,” Yeonjun calls, even though Soobin’s attention is already on him. “Could you give me a hug for that?”

And once again, when has Soobin been able to deny Yeonjun something? 

He needed that hug as much as him.

Chapter Text

“Do you believe in destiny?” Soobin sighs while closing the balcony door. “Or do I just have terrible bad luck?”

Yeonjun looks at him dumbfounded, with a facemask on and a cup of instant ramen in his hand. They were watching a movie when Soobin’s sister called. That’s their new normality, they’re back at spending time with each other but they’re more careful, less touchy. 

“What happened?” 

Soobin sighs again. He knows life has its ways, but if said ways mean throwing another thing at Soobin for him to face, he’s going to lose it. 

“My sister is coming this Saturday, and she asked me if she could stay here for the night,” he explains. 

“And what did you tell her?” 

“That I had to ask you.” Soobin lets his body fall backwards on the couch, soul out of his body. He really can’t believe it. 

“I don’t mind,” Yeonjun replies, eyebrows furrowed. “But you seem annoyed, you don’t want to see her?”

“It’s not that, I really want to see her but—”

“But?” Yeonjun insists when he doesn’t continue.

“Isn’t it ironic, or cruel, at this point I don’t know, that right when I decide to tell her that I’m gay,” he makes a gesture with his hands, trying to express both the frustration and how it feels her visit, “suddenly she says she’s coming.”

Yeonjun loudly slurps a big portion of noodles. His eyebrows furrow, because he’s thinking and because it is tasty. 

“Think of it as a sign,” Yeonjun says after swallowing, making Soobin sigh for a third time. “And you’re not obligated to tell her anyways, if you don’t feel like it then you can just spend the day with her.”

“I know,” he mumbles. 

Soobin knows, but he still feels like a joke. 

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

On Saturday, instead of going straight back home, he takes a bus to the train station. He even left work earlier so he could pick up her sister on time. She said she just missed Soobin and since Hamin’s birthday is next week, she’s going to use the trip to buy him gifts. However, Soobin thinks their mom told her to come. He feels like a child, worrying the two of them just because he’s mad at his dad. 

He wants to feel bad for making her come to Seoul. Dahee’s so busy back home, she’s a mother now and Soobin can’t depend on her as he did when they were younger. He should be helping her instead of making things more difficult.

Yet, when Soobin sees her on the platform, he can’t stop the big smile on his face and the bubbly feeling on his chest. 

Soobin rushes and hugs her tight, making her laugh. 

He can’t come to feel bad when he missed her so much. They haven’t seen each other since his graduation, and it feels like an eternity ago. 

Dahee grabs his arms and leans back to look at him.

“Wow, look at you,” she exclaims with a hand reaching up to touch Soobin’s hair. 

“Is it weird?” Soobin asks.

“No, I like it,” she affirms. 

She doesn’t say mom will love it and dad will hate it like she said when she came to visit Soobin during his first year here and he had got his ears pierced. She doesn’t even mention their parents. She simply links their arms and announces that she’s hungry. 

“Let’s go somewhere nice, I pay,” she says before dragging Soobin out of the station as if she was the one living in Seoul and was about to give Soobin a tour. 

They have lunch and her sister talks about anything but what Soobin wants to know the most. She rambles about Hamin and Seojoon, about how they grow so quickly that she and her husband have to keep on buying new clothes for them, then she complains about baby formula being expensive and how it is so difficult to keep the house clean. She talks about wanting to dye her hair too, and that leads to Soobin having to talk about Yeonjun.

“Did you dye it yourself or you went to a saloon?”

“Ah,” Soobin pretends to grab some pieces of meat, so her sister doesn’t notice his face turning red, “my roommate helped me actually.” 

She hums at that, and it makes Soobin nervous even if there’s not an actual reason. Or at least, his sister doesn’t have one for being weird about it. Soobin is the one being weird about it. 

“Is he nice? You haven’t told me much and I didn’t want to ask.”

When everything happened, Soobin didn’t want to tell her too much, Seojoon was just born, and he didn’t want to worry her. 

“Yes,” Soobin replies after swallowing his food. It is a good opportunity to tell her what he wants to tell her. But Soobin feels his stomach going cold out of pure anxiety, so he brushes it away. Maybe later. Later will be good. “We know each other from university, he was abroad, and I didn’t know he was back, we were just helped by the same friend so it was really just luck.”

It’s a good summary. A very brief one, but still good. 

His sister hums again but luckily doesn’t ask more about Yeonjun. 

They spend the rest of the day shopping. Soobin gets dizzy with the number of toys, shoes and tiny clothes that her sister shows him. Soobin thinks Yeonjun would have loved it, he’s the one into checking the racks of clothing for hours. They’re almost ready to go home when a pair of sunglasses calls her sister’s attention. She tries them on, and Soobin thinks she’s going to buy them, but Dahee sighs they’re lovely just to put them back.

“Don’t you want them?” Soobin questions.

“They look pretty but maybe another time, is not even summer yet.” 

Soobin raises an eyebrow to her, but she simply shakes her head and points to somewhere else and starts walking, saying something about wanting to buy Hamin the sneakers they saw before. 

However, Soobin can’t stop thinking about it. So, when Dahee buys the last thing she was looking for and tells Soobin that they should have dinner before going to his apartment, he lies. 

“Noona, I need to go to the bathroom, can you wait here?” Soobin always did the same thing when they were younger, feeling the urge to go to the bathroom right before leaving a place, so Dahee just nods.

Soobin walks normally until he turns a corner and he hurries. He knows he must look stupid and wishes the security guard doesn’t think he stole something. Soobin enters the shop and tells the first assistant he sees that he wants to buy the glasses. He bites the insides of his cheeks the entire time, even when he rushes back, and just when he’s right behind Dahee he relaxes. 

She sat on a bench and she’s typing on her phone; Soobin takes advantage of the fact that she’s distracted to take the sunglasses out of the case and walks behind her. Maybe he’s going to scare her but it’s for a good cause he thinks. 

And in fact, when Soobin puts the sunglasses on top of Dahee’s head, she jumps. 

“It’s me,” Soobin calms her before she can scream or worse, hit him. 

“You—” she stops when one of her hands reaches his head, touching the sunglasses. She gasps loudly, just as her mom would do and it makes Soobin laugh. Dahee stands up and takes the sunglasses on her hands to look at them, eyes wide open. 

“You’re an idiot,” she whines before crashing into Soobin for a hug. “You’re a big, big idiot.” 

Soobin just laughs until they separate and sees Dahee’s face.

“Noona, are you crying? Don’t cry! Why are you crying?” Soobin panics, and she starts laughing wetly.

“You’re so sweet, it makes me emotional!” She whines, petting Soobin’s hair. “Let’s get dinner, yeah?”

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

They end in a park after dinner. They ate too much and Dahee said they should take a walk before taking the train back to Soobin’s apartment. The weather is nice, it no longer turns too cold when the sun sets, there’s just a chilly breeze that from time to time swings Dahee’s long skirt. It makes Soobin remember when he would grab Dahee’s clothes to stay close to her when he was much smaller. She used to be so much taller than him and Soobin felt like she could protect him from everything, even from their mom’s scolding. 

“I think the real reason I cried it’s because lately I tend to forget about myself,” her sister explains suddenly, taking Soobin by surprise. “I know you think Mom asked me to come here, but it was my idea, I wanted to check on you. But I think I needed it too, it’s nice to have a day out and walk around like when we were younger.”

Soobin doesn’t say anything right away. He knows being a parent is tiring, but Dahee’s confession makes him worry. 

“You can visit whenever you want,” he finds himself replying. “You can even bring Hamin and Seojoon if mom can’t take care of them, I know Yeonjun-hyung wouldn’t mind. Or maybe I should start going home some weekends like I used to, so I can help you, I know I haven’t visited in a while but—”

Dahee shakes her head, but her grip on Soobin’s arm tightens. 

“I know you don’t want to go home just yet, and it’s okay, don’t force yourself. Maybe you could go for Chuseok, but it’s still okay if you don’t feel like it.” Dahee assures, her voice is soft but firm. “But talk to mom more often, now I understand how she must feel, so don’t wait for her to call you first.”

It makes Soobin feel like a child, but he still nods. 

“And about me, don’t worry too much, it’s tiring some days but I’m happy.” She makes them stop, grabbing Soobin from both of his arms. Dahee has this serious expression she rarely gets, and Soobin knows she means what she’s about to say. “But talk to me. If you want to help me, talk to me so I don’t worry about you. Sometimes I feel like you keep everything for yourself, and I fear one day you’re going to explode, so please talk to me, okay?” 

Soobin feels his chest flood with warmth. And even though it still makes him anxious, he knows it’s the right time. He searches Dahee’s hands, looking down at her like he couldn’t do when he was a child. 

“Actually, there’s something I wanted to tell you,” Soobin starts, knowing there’s no way back now with that set of words out of his chest. He just needs to keep going. “But I think we should sit first.”

They look for an empty bench, and despite the hour there are still people passing by but not enough to make Soobin more nervous than he already is. But it’s not frightening nervous, just the right amount, the one that is expectable considering the situation. He takes a deep breath, and he knows Dahee is starting to grow nervous herself, but she just waits for him. 

“You remember how you used to make fun of me when I was in high school? When I stayed up at night and you used to say I had a crush on someone?” Dahee nods, but in her face there’s confusion. “One time you even told me I probably had a girlfriend, and I was keeping it a secret from you and mom.” 

Dahee nods again, and Soobin inhales slowly. 

“Well, I was keeping it a secret but not for the reason you thought.” Soobin swallows and he feels the world turn silent, he no longer hears the rumble of cars nor the distant voices of people chatting. “I kept it secret because I was dating boys.”

The only sound in Soobin’s ears is his own heart. 

“I’m gay.”

And everything comes back to him abruptly. Suddenly the world is no longer quiet and slow, but fast and noisy. He can hear the city and his own heartbeat. Dahee is just looking at him, but there’s neither disgust nor hate. She’s just looking at him, and Soobin feels how everything he’s been keeping inside start to pour. He’s once again a river, one after heavy rain, and words start to flow out of him. 

“And— remember when during second semester you told mom I wasn’t going home as much because I was dating someone? Well, I had a boyfriend.”

Dahee is still just looking at him, and Soobin was supposed to just tell her he was gay, but she’s looking at him like she’s still waiting. He knows Soobin too well. 

“I met Yeonjun-hyung at university. We were friends before dating, and then we were together for almost two years. Things happened and we broke up, and then he left, he went to study abroad and it made me so sad. Everyone back home kept asking me why I was sad, even dad, but I couldn’t say anything, and I kept lying. But I was sad, noona, I felt so sad.”

Dahee hugs him. She closes the distance between them and hugs him as he was still small, a hand on the back of his head. Soobin breathes deeply, he doesn’t feel like crying, he cried enough with Yeonjun. He just feels calm, a tranquility he hasn’t felt in so long. He hugs Dahee back with the same strength. 

They stay like that for a long time, until Soobin feels like he could fall asleep with Dahee petting his hair. However, she suddenly speaks, breaking the atmosphere.

“Wait, you said Yeonjun— and your roommate came back from abroad,” she connects the dots and pulls back, hands on Soobin’s shoulders. “Choi Soobin, are you living with your ex?!”

Soobin laughs. 

“Yah, don’t laugh, are you for real?!” Dahee’s mad, but Soobin can only laugh. He imagined infinite scenarios all these years with a million different outcomes, and in some of them Dahee was angry. But right now, she’s not mad because Soobin likes boys, she’s mad because he’s living with Yeonjun. “Please tell me it is not the same Yeonjun.”

“I love you,” Soobin says instead of answering her questions, and Dahee’s eyes soften. 

“I love you too,” she replies. “This doesn’t change anything, I love you no matter what, and I’ll always be here for you.” 

And Soobin knows. He always knew but now he feels it. 

“But you’re still an idiot,” Dahee adds, standing up with a sigh. “Come on, you have the whole walk to the station to tell me why you thought living with your ex was a good idea.”

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

By the time they arrive at the apartment, Dahee knows she doesn’t need to kick Yeonjun’s ass.

“It’s complicated, the reason why we broke up.” Soobin explained. “He was good to me, but things were difficult, and for a long time I felt like it had been my fault, but I know Yeonjun hates it when I say things are my fault, so let’s just say it was complicated.”

Therefore, instead of taking revenge, when Dahee sees Yeonjun standing in the kitchen, she smiles and bows. Yeonjun quickly bows back, introducing himself. Soobin just stands awkwardly, it’s surreal to have Yeonjun and Dahee in the same room, something he thought would never happen. 

“Nice to meet you,” Dahee repeats after Yeonjun, who still has his head down. Her sister uses the opportunity to open her eyes wide open at Soobin, tilting her head at Yeonjun’s direction. Soobin mouths what but Dahee is already smiling at Yeonjun again, like she hadn’t just made a face. 

Is when Soobin guides her to his room that he gets a loud slap on his arm. 

“What?!” He exclaims, and Dahee hits him again. “Noona!”

“You lucky idiot,” Dahee hisses, “he’s so handsome!” 

Soobin can’t believe it. His ears burn and he hopes the buzz of the kettle is enough to drown Dahee’s voice. 

“He looks just like an idol!”

Soobin shushes her, he will die if Yeonjun hears and makes fun of him later. 

“You have such a good taste, noona is so proud!” She whispers with a smile that cannot be described as nothing but mischievous. 

“Soobin-ah, do you and Dahee-ssi want to eat something?” Yeonjun asks from the kitchen. 

Dahee peeks through the door to reply, even if the question was for Soobin. “Thank you, Yeonjun-ssi, but we already had dinner.” 

She uses her cute voice, and Soobin really can’t believe her.

“You said you wanted to take a shower, I’ll give you a towel,” Soobin exhales, walking to his closet. 

Soobin is sitting on the couch after explaining to Dahee how to make the water just the right temperature when she opens the door of his room.

“Soobin-ah, do you have makeup wipes or something like that? I forgot mine”

“Ah, not really,” Soobin answers.

“I do,” Yeonjun replies before Soobin can offer to run to the convenience store. He rushes to his bathroom and comes back with a bottle and cotton pads. “Do you need anything else? I have cleanser and some toners, and I just bought some facemasks too.”

“No, it’s okay,” Dahee says with the biggest smile possible, just to change it for a pout. “A facemask would be nice, but I would feel weird if I’m the only one with one on…”

She’s using her cute tone again and Soobin knows it is on purpose. 

“I could use one,” Yeonjun offers before looking behind his shoulder at Soobin’s direction, a tilted smile on his stupid face, “and Soobin too.”

And that’s how, after his sister comes out of the bathroom, that Yeonjun slaps a face mask on Soobin’s face.

At least it makes Dahee laugh. 

“Dahee-ssi, do you want to drink something?” Yeonjun asks, and it just occurs to Soobin that he’s trying to be extra nice. He’s already sweet and thoughtful, but right now he’s certainly going a step further. 

“There’s beer,” Soobin adds, “before you ask for just tea.” 

Dahee furrows her eyebrows but still asks for one to drink. 

“The apartment is fine for being old, you exaggerated a bit” Dahee comments, Soobin is in front of the refrigerator and Yeonjun is putting together some snacks they had. “But I guess it must be cold during winter.”

“Not when the heating system is working,” Soobin explains mindlessly, closing the door.

“Ah, did you have trouble with that?” she asks, “I heard that with that storm in May there were electricity problems, I hope you didn't get too cold…” 

Yeonjun starts coughing and Soobin feels his ears go red. 

“I’m fine,” Yeonjun says, still coughing. “Just a peanut.”

Soobin thinks that it’s good that he’s a dancer and not an actor.

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

They had a good time. They drank and Yeonjun made them laugh a lot, Dahee kept a hand over his face most of the time. It made Soobin happy that she could relax. 

They’re on Soobin’s bed, laying side by side, when she whispers:

“He’s really nice.”

Soobin sighs, “Yes, he is.”

Dahee doesn’t say anything else for a while. From the corner of his eye he can see she is playing with her hair. She’s thinking. Dahee threads and threads the long strands, and Soobin believes she’s not going to say what she was thinking about. But in the end, she whispers again, even lower than before.

“Do you still like him?”

Soobin stops breathing.

His throat closes and his lungs collapse.

Or at least it feels like it.

“I shouldn’t ask that, I’m sorry,” Dahee is quick to add. She twists to look directly at Soobin, even if the only light is the blueish luminescence that comes from the city. “I don’t want to mess with your head, you said it was complicated, but he seems like a good person…” 

Soobin doesn’t want to think about it. He shouldn’t think about it. He’s been trying so hard not to open that box, not to make himself that question. His throat is dry, and he doesn’t know what to reply to his sister because he doesn’t know the answer. He doesn’t want to know the answer. 

“Maybe one day you can tell me why you two broke up.” Dahee put her hands under her face, and Soobin wishes it was more terrible, the reason why he and Yeonjun broke up. He knows, deep down, that neither him nor Yeonjun could have done something to hurt the other. Not on purpose. Never on purpose. But if that had been the case, maybe it would be easier to tell the whole story. “You can talk to me now, about the past, about him or someone else, I’m here for you now.”

Soobin wants to fall asleep. He wants to dream about a different time; him and Dahee falling asleep on the carpet back home, a warm day after school. He wants to just fall asleep and not to think about Yeonjun. 

Instead, he puts his hands under his face, mirroring Dahee. 

“It was no one’s fault, but I do think we hurt each other, even if we didn’t mean to,” Soobin starts, breathing deep for what’s to come. 

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

It happened during the second semester. Soobin had all his classes during the morning and Yeonjun had most of them during the afternoon, some of them extending late into the night because Yeonjun liked to repeat things until they were perfect. As the semester passed, they saw each other less and less. Yeonjun had a lot of things to do since he was working hard to get the scholarship, and Soobin was having a hard time because he had the first big fight with his dad from the many more that were to come. Without realizing, things started to grow weird between them. They were both stressed because of university and frustrated towards life in general, and it started to bleed into their relationship without intending to. 

Soobin thinks it became a thing when one Friday after classes, Yeonjun went to a gay club with his classmates. Soobin thought Yeonjun was going to stay and practice as he usually did, so he didn’t text him. And in return, Soobin knows Yeonjun didn’t tell him anything because Soobin was supposed to study for a test. Still, when Yeonjun posted a picture, it made Soobin feel bad. Yeonjun never took him to clubs or queer spaces in general, and Soobin knew it was because he was too anxious. It made him feel like he was keeping Yeonjun away from something he enjoyed. He went to bed feeling like shit and just felt slightly better when Yeonjun sent him his usual goodnight message to let him know he was already home. 

For Yeonjun, Soobin knows the first time it hurt was when Dahee called him when they were in the middle of making out. During that time Dahee’s husband was already back to work after Hamin was born, and she was most of the time alone at home, so she started to call Soobin during the evenings. Yeonjun knew about it, so he just brushed his fingers through Soobin’s hair, trying to make him look decent enough before scouting to the other side of the bed. Dahee didn’t notice anything weird, she just asked Soobin about his day and then started to talk about Hamin. 

“Noona, can I call you tomorrow, I’m a little bit busy right now,” Soobin said after a while. 

“Ah, you should have told me right away,” Dahee said with a pout. “You have to study or are you going out?”

Soobin didn’t want to lie so he just mumbled “I’m doing something else”, which sounded like a terrible nasty joke without intending to and Yeonjun kicked him on the calf. 

“Mmm, are you going on a date?”

“No, noona, it’s not like that, it’s just a friend.”

Soobin didn’t really think about it before saying the words. It just came naturally, the same thing he always replied when Dahee or his mother teased him about that. The thing is, he never called Yeonjun his friend, not in front of him. 

Dahee told him to have fun bidding him goodbye and Soobin cut off the call, turning towards Yeonjun. 

He knows, looking back at everything, that in a completely different situation Yeonjun would have made fun of him. Asking him if he kissed all his friends or if he was just an exception, something silly. But Yeonjun had been so stressed and sad during the last weeks, it hurt him. He didn’t say anything, but his face showed it, Soobin knew him too well. He didn’t go back to kissing Soobin, he just hugged him, hiding his face on Soobin’s neck. 

Soobin felt the tears and knew he did something wrong. But it was Yeonjun the first one to say sorry.

“Sorry, I just— It wasn’t you, okay?” He mumbled against Soobin’s skin. “It just made me remember something, and I know it’s not the same, but— I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Soobin tried to talk, he knew they had to talk about it, but Yeonjun shut down. He didn’t want to say anything else. Soobin thought that he had to wait for Yeonjun to open up about it, things were like that. But it never happened. Yeonjun kept it inside and pretended nothing happened. 

Then, just a week later, Soobin’s sister visited him as a surprise. He was supposed to attend a dance presentation where Yeonjun was participating. When Soobin called him, feeling terrible because he was not going to be able to be there since Dahee was coming, Yeonjun told him to invite her. He could get them an extra seat, that way he could be with Dahee and still be present. But Soobin thought it was too risky. “Just tell her I’m your friend, it’s going to be okay,” Yeonjun said. 

Soobin feels stupid now. Yeonjun just said it with his normal voice, trying to find a solution for Soobin. But during that time, he thought Yeonjun had said it with bite, wanting to make Soobin feel bad for what happened the previous week. 

In the end, he told Yeonjun he was sorry and went somewhere else with Dahee. Not just because he was angry, but because he couldn’t call Yeonjun a friend again. Not like that. If he introduced Yeonjun to Dahee someday it had to be as his boyfriend. 

Yet, he still made Yeonjun sad. Soobin knew Yeonjun wanted him to be there even if that meant calling each other friends. Soobin felt miserable. 

And then, Beomgyu invited them to Daegu. Maybe Soobin and Yeonjun always had a problem with destiny, or plainly bad luck. Yeonjun couldn’t make it last minute because one of his professors changed the date of an exam. That wasn’t the problem. Soobin and Beomgyu went around the city and sent Yeonjun a ton of pictures. It was fine. The problem started when Soobin’s mom called him, telling him they should stop and visit them on their way back to Seoul. Yeonjun didn’t say anything when Soobin told him about it. However, the next weekend, when the three of them got together, Beomgyu showed Yeonjun a picture of him and Soobin’s nephew. Yeonjun said it was cute and smiled at Beomgyu, but later when it was just the two of them, Yeonjun had pulled Soobin’s hand while walking and asked:

“Why can Beomgyu meet your family, but I can’t?” 

Soobin knows Yeonjun wasn’t jealous. He was hurt. 

He wanted to make it better, to explain to Yeonjun he hadn’t the heart to call him friend again. But Yeonjun had shaken his head, telling Soobin he was sorry. 

“I know why, I’m being an idiot, I’m sorry.”

When Soobin thinks about it all, it was stupid, but everything felt worse than it actually was. Just a stupid thing after the other, making them feel sad and bitter. 

It all exploded on Christmas. 

Soobin went to pick up Yeonjun, but since he was talking on the phone with his mom, he told Soobin to come in. 

When Yeonjun opened the door, he sighed to the phone.

“It’s okay, mom, maybe next year.” 

“That boy is making you sad,” Yeonjun’s mother was loud enough for Soobin to hear. 

Soobin remembers Yeonjun mumbling a quick goodbye and the silence that came after it. They were standing in front of the other, right next to the door. Soobin still had his shoes on and looked much taller than Yeonjun. 

“It’s not true,” Yeonjun swallowed before repeating it, “That’s not true.”

“It is, hyung.” It was not the first time Soobin had thought about it. He had been thinking about it for a long time. “I’m making you sad.”

“No, you’re not,” Yeonjun insisted. Soobin continued to stand right where he was, not moving an inch, not knowing how to let Yeonjun know about all the things that had been going on in his mind during the last months. How he keeps Yeonjun from doing things he likes, how he’s a coward for not being able to call Yeonjun his boyfriend, how he’s such a bad person for thinking Yeonjun could be mad at him for that when he’s been so patient with him. He wanted to tell him so many things, but in the end, it was Yeonjun who talked first. 

“You’re not making me sad, but all the things that happened before you.” Soobin remembers the deep breath Yeonjun took trying to remain calm, yet a sob still escaped his lips. “I know things are different, I know you would never hurt me like he did, but I still feel sad when I think I’m a secret, and I know I’m being unfair to you, because I always knew how things were going to be but— I just can’t stop feeling sad.” 

Soobin thinks of Yeonjun putting his hands over his eyes, trying to stop the tears. He looked so small, Soobin always hated to see him like that. He hated to see Yeonjun cry like that. 

“And I’m making you sad too, don’t think I haven’t noticed, I’m making things difficult for you when I should be doing the opposite thing,” Yeonjun cried. “You never say anything, but I know you feel bad, and it shouldn’t be like that.”

It seemed like something small. Soobin should have been a little braver and Yeonjun a little more honest. But it was not just that. Soobin was too afraid, too uncomfortable on his own skin for it to be healthy, and Yeonjun was still hurt, he needed help, but he didn’t want to recognize it. Besides, they were just twenty and twenty-one. They may have lived alone, went around life like adults, but they were still too young. 

Soobin grabbed Yeonjun’s hands to put them away from his face and hugged him. He hugged him so tight, not knowing what else to do to make it all better. Yeonjun sobbed against his chest and Soobin felt his own tears starting to run down his face. 

It came as a whisper from Yeonjun. 

“Maybe we should stop this.” 

Soobin felt like he couldn’t breathe. The air in his lungs had been replaced with water. From that moment on, he couldn’t breathe anymore, not with ease. But he knew Yeonjun was right. He couldn’t remember a week during the last few months where something didn’t make one of them if not both feel bad. They were hurting each other and knowing that hurt them back. 

“You think one day we can make it better?” Soobin asked. They were holding each other so tight, and Soobin couldn’t understand how they were really going to break up. “Maybe we can start as friends again, try everything again.”

“I would really like that,” Yeonjun sobbed. But they needed time. Soobin knew. They needed to heal and grow before that could happen. They couldn’t just go back to being friends because they were already more. They loved each other too much and that would have hurt even more. 

“I’m sorry,” Soobin whispered against Yeonjun's hair, making him make fists with Soobin’s sweater. 

“Don’t say that,” he cried. “I’m the one who’s sorry.”

Soobin shook his head. 

Everything felt blurry afterwards; what happened next and the days that followed.

But Soobin still remembers Yeonjun’s words perfectly. 

“You know I love you, right? That’s never going to change, even if one day we’re just friends. I love you so, so much.”

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The next morning, Soobin wakes up early to take Dahee to the station. She drops all the bags on the floor to hug Soobin tight before getting on the train. 

“Remember to talk to me, yeah?” She repeats. 

“I will,” Soobin replies. “Tell mom I’m fine, she believes you more than me.”

Dahee nods energetically and pulls back. 

“Soobin-ah,” she says her name firmly, but there’s so much tenderness in her eyes. “It will be fine, I know it will be, but take care, okay?” 

Soobin knows she means it in more than one sense. It will be fine. He hopes she’s right. 

He waits until the train parts to wave Dahee goodbye, just like she did when Soobin first went to Seoul.

It will be fine. 

Yeonjun is in the kitchen making coffee when Soobin enters the apartment. He beams a cheer hi without looking at Soobin who is still taking his shoes off. Yeonjun finishes pouring coffee into his cup, and turns to him, and Soobin by just seeing him, a small smile on his face, starts crying. 

“Soobin?” Yeonjun rushes to him, face and voice filled with concern. “What happened?” 

“I’m happy,” he sobs. 

“You’re crying because you’re happy?” Yeonjun asks, and Soobin nods, another sob coming out of his mouth. “Yah, Soobin-ah…”

Yeonjun grabs his arms and hugs him, mumbling their eternal “it’s okay”, but Yeonjun hugging him makes him cry harder. 

“I told her,” he blurts against Yeonjun’s shoulder. 

“She reacted well?” Soobin nods, more tears spilling out of his eyes, and one of Yeonjun’s hands going up and down his back. “I’m glad.” 

When he calms down and Yeonjun pets his hair with a silly smile on his face, Soobin thinks about Dahee’s words.

It will be fine.

Chapter Text

Soobin is nervous. His leg has been bobbing up and down nonstop since he sat on the couch, waiting for Yeonjun. But is not a bad nervous, is just an excited nervous, a we’re going to be late nervous. 

The pride parade is set to start at 6pm, so they should be leaving in twenty minutes, but Yeonjun got late searching for something that according to him was too cute not to use. 

“I bought them the other day, how could I lose them?” Yeonjun whines from his room. 

“Because you’re dumb,” Soobin groans back. “Yah, hyung, we’re going to be late, and you said you were going to do my makeup.”

Yeonjun had asked Soobin the other day if he would like him to put eyeshadow on him like last time. Maybe a bit of glitter too, but nothing too dramatic he had promised. 

“Gay people are always running late, the parade never starts on time,” Yeonjun yells. Soobin hears him rummaging through his things until he giggles loudly, a happy and silly sound. “I found them!

Yeonjun comes out of his room and crashes on the couch next to Soobin, his knee bopping Soobin’s leg and stopping its frenetic movement.

“I saw them and thought of you, so I had to buy them.” Yeonjun hands him a plastic packet. It’s a sticker set with drawings of bunnies, stars and hearts, all in pastel blue and yellow. It’s absurdly cute and he doesn’t know what to say because Yeonjun just said it reminded him of Soobin. 

Yeonjun gets nervous at his silence and starts rambling.

“They’re face stickers so they shouldn’t come off so easily. I thought I’d be something fun for pride but it’s okay if you think it’s too silly. You can put them somewhere else, maybe in the back of your phone, I don’t know.”

“No, no, hyung, I think it will look cute,” Soobin stops him. 

Yeonjun nods, before getting up with a jump. 

“Stay there!” He orders from his room, coming back with the plastic box where he keeps his makeup. 

Yeonjun kneels on the couch again, this time keeping himself up so he can hover over Soobin, a big brush on his right hand and a palette with two pink shades in the other. Soobin doesn’t question anything and just closes his eyes. Partly because he trusts Yeonjun and partly because he can’t stand to see Yeonjun from that close, he fears his whole face will turn bright red. 

He feels the brush on his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. Yeonjun hums and then moves, Soobin just stays there, eyes closed, listening to Yeonjun picking something else. Yeonjun uses a different brush on his eyelids, but the movement it’s brief, just a soft and quick curve. He feels the stickers slipping off his hand before Yeonjun speaks. 

“Do you want to choose or can I do whatever I want?” The way in which he makes the question makes Soobin scoff.

“Do whatever you want.” He keeps his eyes closed but he knows Yeonjun must be smiling. Yeonjun rips the plastic open and hums again, he already knew what he wanted to do because he’s quick taking one off and sticking it to Soobin’s cheek. He repeats the action, but this time goes for his nose, then his cheekbone, his other cheek, the other side of his nose, and so on, until he taps Soobin’s knee. 

“Ready,” Yeonjun giggles. When Soobin opens his eyes, Yeonjun is still looking down at him. He did his own makeup as usual with the eyeshadow making his eyes look sharper, but this time there’s glitter on his upper and lower lids, and Soobin thinks it’s unfair how pretty he is. He doesn’t blame himself for feeling his heart beating faster because anyone would get nervous with Yeonjun staring at them. Luckily for him, Yeonjun doesn’t stay there for longer and moves to grab a mirror from the box to hold it in front of Soobin’s face.

As Yeonjun said, it’s nothing too dramatic. There’s a soft shade of pink over his cheeks and one just slightly darker around his eyes. Yeonjun just put three of two bunny stickers on his face and the rest are the small hearts and stars. It’s not too much and Soobin thinks it’s cute. 

“I like it, hyung,” Soobin says, and Yeonjun, the dramatic person he is, brings a hand to the bridge of his nose.

“I love to be right,” he sighs, making Soobin roll his eyes. 

“About what?” 

“I knew you were going to look pretty,” Yeonjun replies, smiling at Soobin, who feels his ears burn. “Yah, let’s go, we’re going to be late.”

They’ve been avoiding touching each other, hyper aware of their movements and how close they are. However, Yeonjun still squeezes Soobin’s cheeks with one hand before getting up. 

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Yeonjun was right, the parade hasn’t even started when they arrive. So, they go around looking for Wooyoung. Soobin can’t help but look at every person. Some people are wearing flashy outfits and colorful makeup, but there’s people wearing just plain clothes. Soobin knows you don’t have to look a certain way to be queer, he’s already beyond that point. But it’s still interesting to him how everyone can be so different and still have this one thing in common. There are people wearing flower crowns, playing with rainbow fans and blowing bubbles in the air. But there are also people holding banners, most of them are messages for politicians and the government, but some of them are for people still wondering who they are. They're written with passion, with love, wishing for people to embrace themselves with nothing but kindness, wishing them to be brave, to accept themselves with no fear. Soobin knows why this is important, why these types of events are vital, and why Yeonjun loves it so much. 

Soobin keeps looking around with fascination and doesn’t realize that he stopped walking until Yeonjun grabs his arm.

“Is something wrong?” Yeonjun worries.

“No, hyung,” Soobin looks beyond Yeonjun’s face, at people chatting and laughing, couples sharing quick pecks because here they can, here is safe. “It’s nice, I like it.”

Yeonjun smiles at him, cheeks rising, before he links their arms together.

“Yah, come here, Wooyoung said he’s next to a coffee shop and I don’t want to lose you.”

They walk like that, with Yeonjun just a step ahead guiding them through people. They’re both wearing short sleeves and Soobin feels his skin tingling where they touch. Yeonjun's skin is warm, warmer than his, and Soobin suddenly is hit by the want to hold his hand. 

He thinks about Dahee’s question.

Soobin knows he likes to have Yeonjun by his side. He likes how he keeps gazing at Soobin to make sure he’s alright. Soobin always liked that from him, how caring he was, how he always made sure everyone around him was okay. He was just too easy to like, he always had something funny to say, always wanted to see people smile. He’s still like that; he still tries so hard to make Soobin laugh even if what he’s saying is ridiculous. He still worries so much for him, for his friends, for every single person he loves. 

The sun is already low in the sky, and it gives Yeonjun’s dark hair a dreamy glow and Soobin thinks he liked his blue hair. He liked how it shined when Yeonjun danced with energy, with such a passion that he always stole everyone’s attention, and he liked how it fanned around Yeonjun’s face when he was under him, contrasting with the sheets and making him look like an angel, like a divine entity that Soobin’s wasn’t supposed to know existed. But Soobin thinks he likes his black hair even more, it just makes Yeonjun look so sharp yet delicate, and right now, with the sun setting and the glitter in his eyes sparkling, Soobin thinks he’s still the prettiest person he has ever known. 

He used to like Yeonjun for far too many reasons to count, he liked him so much that it made his heart hurt. Loving him came as a wave, the tide rising without further notice, and Soobin couldn’t do anything but accept his destiny and drown. 

Yeonjun steps in front of him when they reach a particularly crowded part of the parade and his arm slides out of Soobin’s. He looks back at him, eyes showing just the slightest concern, until Soobin grabs Yeonjun’s hand. And Yeonjun doesn’t shake him away, he would never, he just holds him tighter and keeps walking.

Soobin knows they’ve changed. The things he used to like are still there, but some of them changed, some of them are different. Yeonjun is not the same person he was when they were together, yet Soobin knows it is still okay. If the waves trap him, pull him far away from the shore and make him feel like he’s about to drown, Soobin knows Yeonjun would still hold his hand, pull him close and take care of him, keeping him afloat.

He knows the answer to Dahee’s question. But it doesn’t scare him. 

He just lets Yeonjun guide him through people chatting, laughing and singing, until they find Wooyoung. He gazes at their hands but doesn’t say a thing. He just smiles and tells them to move, to go behind one of the floats so they’re closer to the music. 

Some of the songs playing are charged with meaning and people chant them out loud, but some others are just for fun. Yeonjun starts dancing to the songs he knows, a bit messy since they are walking, but somehow, he makes it look easy. Wooyoung copies him, and it becomes a competition between them. Soobin is amused by them, it is evident Wooyoung was really into kpop when younger because he knows most of the old songs, and Yeonjun, working with future idols, knows the most recent choreographies. When Kara starts playing, Yeonjun's instant reaction is to look at Soobin. 

“I don’t know this one,” Wooyoung sighs. 

Soobin is looking at Yeonjun, waiting for him to start moving, but he just stares back.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Yeonjun whines in the end. 

“I can’t believe you forgot!”

“Yah,” Yeonjun laughs because of Soobin’s annoyed face. “You better show me so I can remember.”

Soobin knows the steps by heart, but the fact that both Yeonjun and Wooyoung are professional dancers makes him feel too self-conscious, it always did. But there’s so many people around them, and Soobin eyes catch a girl just a few meters in front of him moving her hands according to the choreography, and everyone seems to be having such a good time that he forgets about feeling shy. He starts dancing, mostly moving his arms because he has to keep on walking, but Wooyoung's cheery laugh and Yeonjun copying his movements in an effort to remember make him feel confident enough to try to do the other steps and not think he’s going to trip. They continue like that, now with Soobin joining their competition until there’s too many people and they settle with jumping in their place, moving their heads from one side to the other and singing loudly the songs they know.

Beomgyu joins them when the parade reaches the square where they installed a small stage. They have a bit of a hard time trying to find each other, but they make it before the speeches start. Soobin listens to every word with attention, trying to absorb everything. It’s strange to think about himself all those years ago, about how scared he was at fourteen, seventeen, nineteen… He’s just twenty-four, still so young, but it feels like a lifetime ago. Beomgyu grabs his arm at one point, leaning into him. Soobin thinks about crying on Yeonjun’s arms, crying so much with Beomgyu too, and he thinks he’s lucky. So much can change in just a few years but he’s glad Yeonjun and Beomgyu are still by his side. Even Wooyoung, who when he says goodbye to go and meet with his friends, hugs Soobin tightly.

When it ends, Beomgyu groans that he’s hungry. He was working, that’s why he couldn’t join them earlier, and didn’t have time to eat anything before coming. Yeonjun just sighs and hurries them, because with the amount of people on the streets it will be hard to find a place to eat. 

They’re waiting for the streetlight when Yeonjun squints his eyes, looking at some point to his right. The light turns green for them, but Yeonjun stays in his place, Soobin and Beomgyu bumping into him. 

“What is it?” Soobin asks.

“Kai-yah!” Yeonjun yells, and just then Soobin sees him, the tall boy standing just a few meters away. He’s chatting animatedly with another boy smaller than him, he’s wearing glasses, but Soobin is sure he looks familiar, too familiar, until it clicks.

“Taehyun-ah!” Soobin calls, and just then the two boys look at them. 

“Soobin-hyung?” Taehyun says.

“Yeonjun-hyung?” Kai follows.

“And I’m Beomgyu,” Beomgyu exhales before pushing Yeonjun and Soobin with his arms, “you two move, you look stupid yelling at each other.”

“Were you at the parade?” Yeonjun asks when they’re in front of the two boys. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“We didn’t know it was today, we were just going around when we saw all the people and then we realized it was pride,” Kai replies with an embarrassed smile. 

“We felt kind of stupid, but we decided to stay for the speeches,” Taehyun adds. 

Yeonjun chuckles at them before asking, “Did you eat? We are going to have dinner right now if you two want to join.”

Kai opens his mouth, but he doesn’t reply, instead he looks at Taehyun. 

“Is it okay?” He stammers a bit and Soobin notices he’s nervous. 

“Yeah,” Taehyun says back after a beat, “Yeah, it’s okay.”

Soobin’s right eyebrow rises, but when he looks at Yeonjun, he doesn't seem to notice the awkwardness of the interaction. Who did notice though was Beomgyu, who is furrowing his eyebrows. 

“Yah, come on before everything gets crowded,” he says, calling their attention. Soobin didn’t ask him a single thing after they had dinner with Kai, far too busy with his own drama, but now he’s thinking he should have. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Soobin gets even more invested when Beomgyu starts asking Taehyun a bunch of questions while waiting for their food. They sound very innocent, just things about music, his internship, where he’s from… But for Soobin it is evident how he’s fluttering his eyelashes on purpose. As evident as it is that Kai doesn’t know where to look at, his eyes going from Beomgyu to Taehyun, fingers tapping the table silently but quickly. How can Yeonjun be so oblivious? It bothers Soobin to the point that when Beomgyu leans back, finally giving Taehyun a break, and glances at Kai, eyelids moving softly, he kicks Yeonjun under the table. However, instead of looking at them, Yeonjun looks at him with an annoyed pout on his face. 

“What?” He asks, and Soobin knows he’s a lost cause. 

“Nothing,” Soobin sighs. The answer is not enough for Yeonjun, who arches his left eyebrow.

“What?” He insists. 

“Nothing,” Soobin repeats, but Yeonjun is still staring at him. “I’ll tell you at home.”

“You live together?” Taehyun chimes in, using the opportunity to escape from Beomgyu and Kai, leaning into the table. Yeonjun is a bit taken aback, but Soobin thinks he’s smart. And maybe a bit nosy, but Soobin is too, so it’s okay. 

“Yes,” Soobin answers and Yeonjun nods by his side. 

“Do you know they’re exes?” Beomgyu drops as if it were anything else. Yeonjun and Soobin yell Beomgyu’s full name while Kai chokes on air. 

It's chaos. Yeonjun and Soobin explain to Taehyun how they ended up living together, but not before Yeonjun tries to grab Beomgyu’s neck across the table. In the end, he settles for flicking his forehead. It’s still chaotic when their food arrives and Beomgyu and Yeonjun are still bickering, and Soobin and Kai apologize to Taehyun, but he just replies that they’re fun. And it continues to be chaotic even when Beomgyu and Yeonjun calm down, because now the five of them are talking and drinking and it’s fun. They get along well, even if they seem to be so different. 

They promise to meet again when they say goodbye. Taehyun even gives his number to Yeonjun and Beomgyu, he must think they’re nice even if they were fighting like children. 

On their ride back, after the car drops Beomgyu, tiredness starts to get to Soobin. His head drifts to one side, unable to fight sleep, until he ends up resting on Yeonjun’s shoulder. Yeonjun doesn’t say anything, his hand just reaches for Soobin’s thigh, squeezing once to let him know it’s fine. 

“Today was really nice,” Soobin mumbles, closing his eyes. 

“Yeah?” Yeonjun asks, and Soobin nods against his shoulder. 

“You were right,” Soobin mumbles after a minute. 

“About what?” 

Soobin opens his eyes, but he doesn’t look at Yeonjun. Instead, he focuses on the streetlights. Since the streets are almost empty at this hour, they’re passing one after the other quickly. The car paints orange for an instant, and before Soobin’s eyes can get used to the darkness, they reach another, and another, and another. 

“You said that one day I wasn’t going to be so scared, and I was going to go with you to pride and dance and sing…”

Yeonjun doesn’t reply, but he rests his head on top of Soobin’s. 

They’re still some minute away from home, and Soobin lets himself be lulled by the lights and Yeonjun’s warmth. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Soobin does end up falling asleep in the car. He knows Yeonjun tried to wake him up before, but Soobin didn’t react until the car stopped in front of their building. 

“Yah, come on, Bin-ah,” Yeonjun shakes him not so softly as before. Soobin groans maybe a bit too loud but lets Yeonjun pull him out of the car. “You’re such a baby when you’re sleepy.”

Soobin is about to fight back, but he stumbles with the entry steps and Yeonjun catches him before his ass touches the floor. He looks at Soobin like he’s waiting for him to open his mouth, but Soobin does the opposite thing and presses his lips tightly together. 

While tripping woke him a little bit, Soobin’s still fighting sleep when they enter the apartment, trying to keep his eyes open. Yeonjun laughs at him when he throws his bag on the floor and takes his shoes off unceremoniously.

“Yah, sit on the couch, I’ll bring the cotton pads so you can clean your face.” Soobin doesn’t feel like arguing this time, so he just sits, waiting for Yeonjun. 

He hears Yeonjun’s chuckle before he feels his weight sinking next to him. He’s so sleepy that he doesn’t mind feeling Yeonjun hovering over him, just like earlier. 

“I’ll take the stickers off, okay?” Yeonjun warns, voice soft. Soobin just mumbles from the back of his throat, letting him know that it’s fine. 

Yeonjun’s movements are delicate. He’s always rushing and does things with too much strength, but he’s trying to be careful now. It makes Soobin smile unconsciously. 

“What is it?” Yeonjun wonders. 

“Nothing,” Soobin replies. 

“You have a stupid smile on your face, what is it?” Yeonjun insists as he tends to do. He takes off the last sticker and Soobin still hasn’t said anything. “Are you really not going to tell me?” 

Soobin cracks open one of his eyes to look at Yeonjun, his eyebrows are furrowed, and it makes him smile some more before shaking his head. 

“It’s nothing,” Soobin repeats. Yeonjun just sighs as he uncaps the makeup remover, pouring it into a pad. 

“Keep them closed,” Yeonjun mutters before pressing the cotton pad into Soobin’s right eye for a moment before flipping it and putting it on the other. He doesn’t need to be doing all of this. Maybe he thinks Soobin is capable of going to bed without washing his face, but Soobin thinks it has more to do with the fact that Yeonjun is too nice. He runs the cotton pad around his cheeks and up to his forehead even if he didn’t apply anything there, and then down his nose, reaching his shin and completely avoiding his lips. “Yah, you’re ready, you can go to sleep now.”

Soobin opens his eyes expecting to see Yeonjun looking down at him like usual, but Yeonjun is already grabbing his things so he can go to his bathroom and take off his makeup. 

“Wait,” Soobin speaks, grabbing Yeonjun’s arm before he can get up. Yeonjun looks at him, waiting for Soobin to talk, but having to explain it makes him feel shy, so instead he sits on his knees and pushes Yeonjun back into the couch. Before Yeonjun can think something else from the action, Soobin takes the bottle of makeup remover and the cotton pads from his hands. “Close your eyes.” 

Yeonjun opens his mouth to complain, but when he looks up at Soobin he stays silent, whatever he was about to say dying on his tongue. In the end he resigns, closing his eyes and relaxing his face. 

“You’ll have to use two, my makeup is heavier than yours,” Yeonjun sighs. 

“Okay.”

“And maybe the glitter won’t come off easy…” 

“Okay.” 

Once Soobin pours some remover in a cotton pad, he copies Yeonjun’s movements.  He starts with Yeonjun’s right eye but presses longer than he did. As Yeonjun said, the glitter doesn’t come off right away, and Soobin taps Yeonjun’s eye a couple of times, trying to be as gentle as possible. He repeats the action with a different cotton pad for his left eye, and when the difficult part is done, Soobin lets himself observe Yeonjun’s face. Yeonjun said two, but Soobin grabs a third pad just to clean the rest of his face and have more time. He looks soft like this, eyes closed and face tilted back. He removes what’s left of Yeonjun’s concealer and blush and Soobin thinks he still looks almost too perfect, almost too pretty to be real. Soobin cleans Yeonjun’s shin at last, just like he did, but Soobin doesn’t say he’s ready, he just keeps staring at him.

Yeonjun opens his eyes after a moment, when he realizes Soobin finished.

The apartment is in complete silence. They didn’t turn on the TV when they arrived and the neighbors must be sleeping. Soobin can hear perfectly how his heartbeat speeds up when Yeonjun stares back at him, not moving nor looking away. This time, Soobin is the one looking down at Yeonjun, yet he still makes him nervous, so Soobin looks down, away from Yeonjun’s eyes, and finds his lips. He didn’t touch them, just as Yeonjun did with him. Soobin knows he was wearing some tint, but after they ate it faded away. However, they still look pink and soft, and it’s inevitable for Soobin to think about kissing him. 

He wants to kiss him. 

And he should be panicking, but he’s so tired of being scared of his own emotions that Soobin just lets the feeling sink in.

He really, really wants to kiss Yeonjun. 

“I think,” Yeonjun swallows, making Soobin look back at his eyes, “I haven’t been honest.”

“What do you mean?” Soobin asks. 

Yeonjun inhales deeply, chest rising, and when he exhales the air hits Soobin, and it’s an almost painful reminder of that night weeks ago. 

“I always tell you not to blame yourself for the things that happened because it was no one’s fault, I hate to think you believe it was your fault…” Yeonjun’s voice is nothing more than a whisper, Soobin is so close to him that he doesn’t need to speak louder. But Soobin has the feeling that more than it not being necessary, Yeonjun is unable to speak louder. “And I know I’m a hypocrite, but I hate it because for a long time I thought it had been my fault, and sometimes I still do.”

“Hyung,” Soobin interrupts, but Yeonjun just shakes his head softly. 

“I know it was more complicated than that, but still—” He does it again, he breathes deeply, trying to fill his lungs with enough air, as if he was afraid of suddenly running out of oxygen. “I’ve been forcing myself to remember that I hurt you in the past, that I made you sad, because I don’t want to do it again, I don’t want to make you cry ever again, but I feel like I’ve been doing everything wrong.”

Soobin wants to speak, to tell him that why would he make himself feel like that when he knows it was no one’s fault, when they were so young and stupid and emotional… But his tongue feels too heavy on his mouth and he’s unsure if his voice will even come out. Soobin is desperate to comfort Yeonjun, so his hand reaches for Yeonjun’s cheek, petting him softly. Yeonjun is looking at him, eyes big and too shiny, and Soobin just wants him to stop being so hard on himself. 

“Hyung,” Soobin repeats, because it feels like the only syllable he can articulate. But Yeonjun shakes his head again, this time with more energy. 

“Soobin,” he starts, and the way Yeonjun calls his name feels both like asking for forgiveness and a warning, “I’ve been trying so hard not to think of you like this, of anything more than a friend...”

Soobin swears he can hear Yeonjun’s heartbeats. Or maybe it’s his own heart. He doesn’t know, he can’t know. He just knows he’s drowning. 

“But I really want to kiss you,” Yeonjun sighs, a tear trapped on the corner of his eye, and Soobin feels the tide rising with force, reaching his legs, his hands, his chest. “Soobin-ah, would you kiss me?”

And how could Soobin deny Yeonjun anything, when kissing him feels like breathing? 

They were already so close, Soobin barely leans forward, lips meeting softly. Soobin moves his hand, wiping carefully the corner of Yeonjun’s eye, where tears threatened to escape. He pulls back just to press their lips together again. Yeonjun’s hands find their way up to Soobin’s face, and they just stay there, holding him with care. 

It’s tender. The kiss doesn’t grow heated like last time, they don’t feel the same desperation, the urge of taking and giving, afraid that it could end, that it could be the last and only opportunity of having this again. They just keep kissing softly, just caressing each other. Yet Soobin is still deep in the sea, far away from the shore where his feet touch the sand. 

But it’s okay, because Yeonjun is there, holding him afloat, making sure he’s breathing. 

Chapter Text

Soobin doesn’t know what time it is. They’re lying on the couch, pressing into each other to fit in the tiny space, legs entangled. They haven’t stopped kissing, they’re so close that their noses bump softly and their lips brush together with the smallest movement. 

“I wanted to kiss you so bad,” Soobin mumbles, the words caressing Yeonjun’s lips. 

It makes Yeonjun smile, Soobin feels it more than he sees it. 

“You’re so dumb,” Yeonjun mutters back, the syllables turning into another soft kiss. 

“I’m being serious,” Soobin replies, “I was thinking about it.” 

“Yeah?” Yeonjun asks, voice low. 

Soobin is glad that Yeonjun seems calmer now. He would like to kiss Yeonjun until they fall asleep, until everything falls into place. But he knows it doesn’t work like that. They need to talk. 

“When Dahee came to visit, I told her about us. She asked me why we broke up and when I told her, it hit me,” Soobin begins, “We were too young, hyung, young and stupid and too emotional, and being honest I think we still are sometimes…” 

Yeonjun looks away with the last remark, embarrassed, and it makes Soobin want to laugh because it’s true, even if Yeonjun would like to pretend he’s a completely functional adult. 

“But I know we changed, things are different, and we shouldn’t be torturing ourselves over what happened because we never wanted to hurt each other.” Yeonjun knows it as well as Soobin, but he thinks he needs to repeat it. Maybe if he repeats it enough, Yeonjun will finally understand. “You were so good to me in the past, and you still are, hyung. You’re so gentle and caring. How could you still blame yourself? How can you not see how good you are to me?”

Yeonjun's eyes are back at him, wide and clear, and it’s scary. Each word coming out of Soobin’s mouth feels like a step further, higher. Soobin is walking on a cliff and at any moment he’s going to fall. 

“I like you,” Soobin whispers looking at Yeonjun’s eyes, catching his change of expression, feeling his exhale hitting his lips. “I like you and I know it sounds dumb, but it’s like I can’t help it, then and now, I like you so much and I don’t want to keep pretending that I don’t.”

Yeonjun kisses him with the same softness from before, yet Soobin knows it’s different. It feels different. Yeonjun’s hands are holding his face and it’s so gentle, but Soobin feels the firmness, the strength. 

“I like you too, so, so much,” Yeonjun breathes, the words tickling Soobin’s lips. 

Soobin gets it again, the same feeling from when he saw Yeonjun here, standing in the almost empty living room, the feeling of living something that already happened once. But this time Soobin doesn’t think it is wrong, that it should be happening exactly like it did all those years ago. It’s different and it’s good that it’s different. 

“It’s strange, isn’t it?” Soobin still asks, “To confess again…” 

His question makes Yeonjun giggle, but then he shakes his head and groans, tilting his head back. 

“I feel so stupid, we should have got it figured out weeks ago,” Yeonjun whines. “Or worse, I should have got it figured out the first time I saw you here!”

“I was thinking about that too,” Soobin laughs, “I guess we’re still very stupid.”

Yeonjun hums, leaning closer to Soobin once again.

“I still like you, though” he mumbles, brushing his nose against Soobin’s. 

“You’re so annoying,” Soobin replies.

“You told me the same thing the first time.

“Yeah, I know.” Soobin said it without really thinking, but he remembers saying the same words to Yeonjun the first time, and how Yeonjun kissed him after that. “What's that called? When you feel like you’ve already lived something?”

“Déjà vu?” Yeonjun articulates the word with the right pronunciation, making it sound soft, almost frail. 

Soobin tries to imitate him and repeat it in the same way that Yeonjun did, but he twists the letters, making Yeonjun laugh.

“Déjà vu,” he repeats. “You have to pout a little.” 

Soobien tries again, it’s better but not as near as Yeonjun’s pronunciation. He earns a kiss anyway, for trying. 

“Yah, Choi Soobin,” Yeonjun calls, a foolish smile spread across his face, yet he’s trying to convey some seriousness. “Let’s do this again.” 

“But this time we get it right,” Soobin adds.

“Yeah,” Yeonjun nods faintly, lips brushing together, “this time we get it right.”

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

It’s Yeonjun’s idea to go slow. He said they shouldn’t rush; there’s no need to. As Soobin said, things are different, and Yeonjun thinks it would be nice if they take their time. Soobin thinks it too. He has come to terms with the fact that Yeonjun tends to be right with these kinds of things, so slow they’ll go. 

Almost nothing changes the first week. Yeonjun just steals kisses from Soobin, taking him by surprise. Sometimes Yeonjun asks to be kissed, voice soft and a smile on his face. It makes Soobin feel giddy, and he knows Yeonjun feels the same because he giggles too much in that goofy manner he has, making Soobin chuckle in return. But beyond that, they still have the same routine. 

It’s Soobin’s idea to go out on dates. As July settles, the heat does too. Each day the city temperature reaches a new high, and the fan Yeonjun brought home one day doesn’t help that much. They are lying on the carpet after work, arms and legs spread like two starfish, and the fan on the highest set. Soobin’s old apartment was air-conditioned, and Yeonjun and Beomgyu used to pass the last days of summer there, escaping from the heat of the first days of the semester. He shouldn’t, but he mumbles a curse for his dad, the old man doesn’t have to survive a heat wave in Seoul. 

“This is ridiculous,” Yeonjun groans. “Not even dancing at the academy I sweat this much.” 

Soobin understands him, at least at work they are safe from the worst part of the day. However, Sunday will be a different story. Just thinking about it makes Soobin’s skin feel stickier, grimacing at the idea of having to spend the whole day in the same condition. 

“Hyung, let’s go to the beach tomorrow,” Soobin blurts. 

“What?” Yeonjun asks, turning his face in Soobin’s direction. 

“It should be cooler, right?” Soobin replies. “Anything should be better than staying here tomorrow.” 

He doesn’t need to add anything else to convince Yeonjun. 

They take the bus early in the morning. When they arrive, the sun is high in the sky, already scorching everything on sight, so they opt to look for a place to have lunch. After that, they stroll around the town, chasing the shade and the air conditioning the local shops. Just when the sun starts to set, they go down to the beach. The smell of salt hits Soobin’s nose with more force now that they’re close, and he feels he can finally breathe fresh air after months of being secluded in the city. 

Yeonjun is quick to take his sneakers off, rushing to the shore. The water must be warm, because he makes no sound when the first wave touches his feet. Soobin copies him, untying the laces of his converse. Yeonjun smiles at him when he finally steps in the water, but the brat he is, he kicks water at Soobin’s direction. Soobin counter attacks, but maybe with too much strength, because the water reaches Yeonjun’s shorts. 

“Yah, Choi Soobin!” He scolds. 

“You started!” Soobin defends himself. 

They spend the rest of the afternoon walking by the shore, kicking water at each other, making peace just to ask the other to take some pictures. They never travelled anywhere during university, always too busy and with just enough money to survive each week. When they finally decide it is time to go back, the sky is a dark shade of purple

As soon as the bus enters the highway, Yeonjun rests his head on Soobin’s shoulder. He’s texting his mom, sending him some of the pictures from today. Soobin knows that Yeonjun told his mom about “roommate Soobin”, her reaction was to loudly gasp “oh, just like—”, before Yeonjun could shush her. It was impossible for Soobin not to listen when the walls are paper thin. He doesn’t want to think yet what Yeonjun is going to tell his parents when they sort this out.

Right now, he’s thinking of something else. 

“We should do this more often,” Soobin says, cheek squished against the top of Yeonjun’s head. 

“This?” Yeonjun asks, still typing a reply for his mom. 

“Yeah, this,” Soobin says again, “going out on dates.”

“This was a date?” Yeonjun questions, a smile on his face by the tone of his voice. 

“Yeah, you bought me an ice cream and all,” Soobin explains, trying to remain serious, yet he knows Yeonjun can tell he’s smiling too. 

He snorts before replying, “It doesn’t make it a date, maybe I was just being a good hyung.” 

“What would make it a date then?” 

Soobin is aware of what game he’s playing; he just needs Yeonjun to play along. He twists, looking up at Soobin, and then, his eyes jump to the seats next to them. The bus is almost empty, and Yeonjun and Soobin are the only ones sitting so far back. Moreover, it seems like some of the passengers are already asleep, judging by the soft snoring sounds.

“Come here,” Yeonjun whispers. 

Is not that Soobin believes he will never get tired of kissing Yeonjun, he’s absolutely sure he will never do. Not when Yeonjun reaches for his face, his smile breaking the kiss for a second before he kisses Soobin back. It’s such a simple thing, to kiss like this, yet both know what it really means. They kiss until the bus makes a tight turn, and Yeonjun grabs Soobin’s hoodie before he crashes on the floor. There’s no need to explain how much it makes Yeonjun laugh. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

It really starts changing after that weekend. Soobin picks Yeonjun up from work every other night and they go to shows of artists that none of them know, they watch the new Disney movie, eat at random restaurants and even go to an aquarium, which could have been the peak of romance if Beomgyu hadn’t snuck in. He had a great time anyway, Gyu is too cute to be mad at him, and it’s too entertaining to see him and Yeonjun bicker over who would be more ugly if they were fish. 

They meet with Kai and Taehyun too. The five manage to coordinate on a Saturday, and it’s as fun as the last time. Yeonjun does end up drinking a bit too much, head supported on Soobin’s shoulder, asking him not to let him drink more. Soobin is surprised by Taehyun’s tolerance, who keeps accepting Beomgyu each time he tilts the bottle in his direction. The only one actually sober is Kai, who asks the waitress for a bottle of water for Yeonjun while Soobin keeps placing food on Yeonjun’s bowl. 

Soobin was not expecting that dinner to lead to Taehyun confronting him the next Monday.

“Soobin hyung,” he calls innocently during their lunch break. 

“Yeah, Tae-yah?” Soobin replied, taking a mouthful of rice. 

“Are you and Yeonjun hyung kind of dating or…”

Soobin chokes on his food, coughing like an old man, having to hit himself in the chest and all. When he manages to swallow the last grain of rice that was on his airway, he stares at Taehyun with all the seriousness and anguish his body can collect. 

“Don’t tell Beomgyu,” he pleads.

“How do you know I speak with Beomgyu?!” Taehyun panics. 

The silence that comes after that question is just enough to let each other know they fucked up. They don’t say anything else; they just stare at each other and nod. You don’t talk I don’t talk type of agreement. 

Soobin still tells Yeonjun that Taehyun likes Beomgyu. He hopes Taehyun is more noble than him when keeping secrets. 

The second time the five of them meet, they go to an arcade. Soobin gets competitive and tries hard to beat all of them. Beomgyu still wins, but just because Kai is too much of an angel and loses on purpose. Soobin can’t be mad at Kai because before saying goodbye he invites them, nervous voice and hands on the strap of his bag, to his birthday party. 

That’s how Soobin finds himself not knowing what to wear and thinking about all the times he made fun of Yeonjun for making a mess of his closet. 

“I don’t have anything to wear!” He exhales, dropping on his back on the bed. The theme was imagine you are part of an emo band, hyung, or at least that’s what Kai had texted. 

Yeonjun enters his room, already looking amazing and Soobin can’t even focus on how stupidly hot he looks because he stresses even more over the fact that he still doesn’t know what to wear. In any other situation, he would have picked anything to wear, but Yeonjun told him how it’s the first time in years that Kai has a birthday party because he was too shy during high school and didn’t make close friends after Yeonjun graduated. Even her older sister is helping him. Soobin doesn’t want to disappoint him. 

“I don’t have ripped jeans or black tight ones, and everything else looks too formal or weird,” he complains. 

Yeonjun hums, going directly to Soobin’s closet and rummaging through the piles of clothes that Soobin disarranged on his exasperation. After some scanning he picks a t-shirt, but then he hums louder than before. 

“You’re right, you don’t have anything that could work…” Yeonjun agrees, “I could pass you some jeans, but your ass is bigger, and I don’t think they’ll fit.”

Yeonjun isn’t lying. It still makes Soobin throw a pillow at his direction. Yeonjun is aiming the pillow back at him when Soobin gets an idea. 

“What about a skirt?” He says, stopping Yeonjun from hitting him straight in the face with the pillow.

“What?” Yeonjun asks.

“I mean, I wouldn’t wear it like you do, but maybe I could wear it with jeans?” He explains, sitting up on the edge of the bed. “Do you think it would look good?” 

“Yeah,” Yeonjun replies before nodding once, then twice with enthusiasm. “I think it could work, wait here.” 

He comes back with a plaid skirt and a black leather belt. He throws them next to Soobin before going back to the closet and picking one of his washed-out jeans. He picks a different t-shirt too. 

“Yah, try that,” Yeonjun orders, and Soobin is not going to question Yeonjun with this. “You’ll look hot.”

He says it with the nastiest grin possible, and Soobin thinks he must really like Yeonjun because it actually makes the hairs in the back of his neck stand. He’s such a loser. 

But Yeonjun is right, though. He does look good. The roots of his hair are already showing, but they just add some edge to the whole look. When he comes out of his room, Yeonjun whistles at him. He’s sitting on the carpet doing his makeup. He’s using dark eyeshadow, but he has just one eye painted, and he looks kind of stupid. Yet Soobin still wants to kiss him. He’s the biggest loser that has ever existed. 

Yeonjun makes him wait, but Soobin doesn’t complain. He likes staring at him while he does his makeup, that’s a fact at this point. So, he sits on the couch, watching how he applies the eyeshadow with his fingers, leaving the brushes aside this time. He puts the mirror down once he’s ready and looks up at Soobin before picking a different palette. When he stands, Soobin moves to a side, making space for him. But Yeonjun decides it’s the perfect time to steal all the air in Soobin’s lungs by sitting on his lap.  

Soobin doesn’t even get to say anything, because Yeonjun pushes his chest softly and opens the eyeshadow palette. He doesn’t use brushes with Soobin either, he just goes with his fingers around the corners of his eyes. It might be messy, but Yeonjun is focused, nevertheless. They said slow, but with all honesty, Soobin is thinking about grabbing Yeonjun’s waist and pushing him onto the couch. He knows Yeonjun is doing this on purpose, yet Soobin keeps his hands where they are, resting in the couch. 

“Ready,” Yeonjun grins, placing the palette aside just to put both of his hands on Soobin’s chest. 

“You’re being so annoying right now,” Soobin complains, throwing his head back and staring at the ceiling because if he keeps looking at Yeonjun’s dumb face he’s going to lose it. To his dismay, Yeonjun is determined to make Soobin go crazy. He grabs his face, forcing Soobin to look at him. 

“We’re going to be late,” Soobin tries. 

“I just want a kiss,” Yeonjun laughs, and Soobin thinks he’s enjoying this way too much. “Don’t you want to kiss me, Soobinie?” 

Soobin has never considered himself an impulsive person, yet he thinks Yeonjun just has a talent to always pull the right string. 

When Yeonjun’s back hits the couch, he at least has the decency to gasp. 

“Just a kiss,” Soobin breathes, lips already brushing together.

“Just a kiss,” Yeonjun repeats. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

It’s not just a kiss, but they still make it on time to Kai’s birthday. 

Taehyun was already there helping Lea, Kai’s older sister, to set the table. He’s wearing a beret and a sweater that has torn sleeves. He even put on fake lip rings. 

“Where’s Kai?” Yeonjun asks Lea after taking his shoes off. She’s wearing heavy eye makeup, and her long dark hair made Soobin feel a bit intimidated when she opened the door, but as soon as she smiled at them, with the same smile Kai has, the feeling went away. 

“He went down to pick up Beomgyu-ssi, he got lost.” Soobin barely stops himself from snorting. Yeonjun just mumbles an “ah”, but Soobin knows the wheels in his brain are turning. He doesn’t even contain the grimace on his face, and it makes Soobin chuckle. 

When Kai and Beomgyu finally arrive, Lea is in the kitchen with Yeonjun. Therefore, Taehyun opens the door for them.

The three of them freeze in the doorway, looking at each other. They stay like that until Yeonjun —to Soobin’s disgrace because he was waiting for something to happen— comes out of the kitchen singing happy birthday to Kai. It makes Taehyun finally react and say happy birthday to Kai too. Beomgyu takes his shoes off while Yeonjun is squeezing Kai’s face and sits next to Soobin. He looks pretty, Soobin understands why Taehyun got all nervous, considering that Kai looks handsome too. It was too much for the poor boy.

Soobin wants to tease Beomgyu and try to get some information about the whole thing, but Lea rushes the others to sit down and eat.

They drink and play board games. Soobin thinks they look a bit ridiculous, dressed in such an edgy way and fighting over a Barbie edition Uno. Beomgyu brought his film camera, so after he wins the match, he starts taking pictures. They quickly forget the game to pose for the camera. Yeonjun and Lea promise Beomgyu that they’ll buy him a new roll, but he groans that he doesn’t believe them. Still, he takes a bunch of photos of them and then passes the camera to Soobin so that he can be in the photos as well. 

After that, they pick a different game, and Lea is smart enough to bring the cake just when they establish that the people who lose must drink. It turns into round after round of drinking games, and when they decide it is time to go back home all of them are dizzy. 

Yeonjun is still very drunk when they arrive at the apartment. Soobin is too, but not as much, so he knows he is in charge of making sure both of them go to bed. He drags them to Yeonjun’s room, knowing that Yeonjun would kill him if he woke up with makeup still on his face. 

Yeonjun laughs when Soobin makes him sit on the toilet seat, coming closer for a kiss.

“Hyung, you’re too drunk for that right now,” Soobin chuckles, to which Yeonjun pouts. “I’ll help you take your makeup off, okay?”

Soobin hands him a cotton pad, and then another, one for each eye. He does the same for himself, and while Soobin removes everything from his face, Yeonjun does a poor job at cleaning the black eyeshadow from his lids. 

“You look like a panda,” he laughs. 

Yeonjun eyebrows furrow, but he’s not mad.

“Fubao,” Yeonjun suddenly mumbles, eyes turning glassy. 

“Ah, no, no, hyungie,” Soobin panics. “She’s gonna be alright.” 

Yeonjun puts his hands over his face before repeating the panda’s name, and Soobin shushes him, unable to contain his chuckles. He puts Yeonjun’s hands away, holding his face before giving him the softest peck. 

“Yah, crybaby, let me help you.” It does the trick, Yeonjun puts his hands on the side, letting Soobin wipe his face. 

Changing clothes is not as hard as Soobin thought it was going to be, Yeonjun is sobering up and he only needs help with his earrings.

“Does your tummy hurt?” Soobin asks when Yeonjun touches his stomach after laying down. He lies on his side, and that’s enough to tell Soobin that he does feel a bit weird. 

“Bin-ah, stay,” Yeonjun mumbles.

Soobin doesn’t tell him he was going to do it even if he hadn’t asked, scared of Yeonjun feeling sick in the middle of the night. 

He just sighs before unfastening the belt that is holding the skirt at his hips.

“Yah, make some space for me though.” Yeonjun smiles goofily, and Soobin can’t hide his own endeared smile. 

Yeonjun doesn’t throw up or feel bad during the night, but he does wake up grumpy and hating life. He puts the blanket over his head groaning and hiding his face in the curve of Soobin’s neck. 

“I feel like shit,” he says, and Soobin half laughs, half groans because it’s too damn early. 

They sleep some more until the summer heat makes sleeping together unbearable, and Yeonjun kicks Soobin out of the bed. Soobin has never been a peaceful soul and pulls Yeonjun’s leg until his ass lands on the floor next to him. 

They make peace after taking a shower and ordering food.

That weekend starts a new routine between them. Yeonjun starts appearing at Soobin’s door or directly pulls him into his own room. Sometimes they just watch something or talk. Honestly, most of the time they make out. They stay together until Yeonjun gets sleepy and he either gets up and goes to his bedroom or Soobin leaves once Yeonjun is fast asleep. However, soon they just stay with the other, waking up together. Yeonjun always gets up first, his job starts earlier than Soobin’s and he always complains about it, and then Soobin complains because he’s the one that has to make the bed and Yeonjun has the tendency to pull the sheets off the edge. Just on Sundays they can laze off and sleep until the sun is high in the sky. 

And it’s on Sunday when, with his eyes still shut close and a groan, Yeonjun tells Soobin that his phone had been buzzing.     

“Your phone woke me up,” he complains. “You didn’t even flinch.”

Soobin is barely able to open his eyes, but he still searches for his phone. 

There are indeed three messages. 

They’re from his dad.

The first one is just a “Hello”, the second one says “How are you?”, and the last one is the one that makes his chest hurt. It’s a picture of Hamin, they’re having breakfast together. Dahee must have gone somewhere and left them home. 

Soobin knows what’s the question behind the picture.

When are you coming home?

“Is something wrong?” Yeonjun asks.

Soobin shakes his head, but the weight on his chest doesn’t leave.

“It’s my dad,” he explains. “We haven’t spoken in months and now he just asked me how I am.” 

He keeps looking at the photo, at how the table is set. They would always have breakfast together on Sunday since his dad had to leave early during the weekend, it was the only day they could be all together. 

“I think he wants to know when I’ll go home…” 

“Have you thought about what your sister said?” Yeonjun asks. “About going back for Chuseok?”

“I still don’t know,” Soobin replies. August is just ending and he still has time, or at least that’s what he’s been thinking. There’s still time, there’s no need to think about it.

He doesn’t know what to reply to his dad. He doesn’t want to pretend nothing happened, but at the same time he knows talking to his dad is like trying to convince a wall to move. 

“I don’t think I could ever tell him,” Soobin blurts, making Yeonjun look at him. 

It’s a thought that has been weighing on him since he spoke with Dahee. 

“My mom, I think I can do it, but he…” Soobin lies on his side so he can look at Yeonjun. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it, and that wouldn’t be fair for you…” 

Yeonjun shakes his head with strength once he realizes where Soobin is going. 

“It doesn’t matter and I don’t care, that’s the last thing you should be thinking about.”

“But it makes me worry,” Soobin insists, “It was a problem before and I don’t want it to be a problem again, I don’t want you to feel—”

“Bin-ah,” Yeonjun interrupts. “I did think that type of validation would make me feel better, but you and I know it wasn’t the solution for what I was going through. Now you feel sure of yourself, and I no longer believe the same things as before, and that’s all I need to know we’ll be okay.”

“But hyung…” 

“But nothing, just stop thinking about it,” Yeonjun says, “You just need to worry about what you are going to do.”

Yeonjun kisses him softly, and Soobin sighs heavily because he really doesn’t know. What is he supposed to reply to his dad? Is he really okay with going home? He really wants to pretend everything is fine and that he’s no longer hurt? Would his mom be too sad if he does not go home for Chuseok? He hates to think about this. He’s still mad too. He feels the whole fight was terribly stupid and his dad's reaction was reckless.

Soobin thinks of something else, and considering the conversation is already set on this subject, it wouldn’t hurt to mention it. 

“Just in case,” he starts, making Yeonjun open his eyes again. “Do you think your parents have room for an extra person for Chuseok?”

Yeonjun starts coughing. 

Soobin feels ridiculous. 

“Yeah, sure, they’ll be fine with it,” Yeonjun replies, holding his breathe to stop the cough. “But would you really do that?”

“Meeting your parents and all? Well, we do need to figure out what we're gonna tell them, but I’m no longer afraid or paranoid about my parents finding out, so…”

Yeonjun rolls onto his back, staring at the ceiling. 

“You don’t have to prove anything to me if that’s why you’re thinking about it…”

“Hyung,” Soobin starts, “I’m just being really selfish and thinking about options not to face my dad, don’t think so highly of me.”

Yeonjun snorts, shaking his head in disbelief. 

“I mean, I do want to meet your parents, the day at the beach made me think about it,” Soobin adds, not wanting to sound like an idiot. “I do wonder what you’re going to tell them, though.”

“What do you mean?” Yeonjun asks. 

“I’m gonna be ex-boyfriend Soobin, roommate Soobin, ex-boyfriend-and- roommate-that-I-kiss-goodnight Soobin or are we going to invent a whole new Soobin?”

Yeonjun rolls over again, buries his head in the pillow and screams. 

Yeah, they need to start thinking about what they are going to do. 

Chapter Text

Soobin calls Beomgyu on his lunch break to know if he’s free in the afternoon. Taehyun completed his internship and Soobin’s day has been slow and boring. They agree on meeting at their usual restaurant, but Beomgyu warns Soobin that he might be late because he has to pick something up first.

Soobin does have to wait for Beomgyu, but he doesn’t mind, he picks a table and texts Yeonjun. He replied to his dad in the end, a short “Hi, I’m doing good, you?” and his dad had sent a shorter “I’m good”, and that was the end of the exchange. When he told Dahee, she said it was an advance. Soobin thinks they’re still at the same point as before. Time will tell, Soobin guesses. 

When Beomgyu finally arrives, he has something on his hand wrapped in brown paper. 

“Sorry,” he exhales, pulling the chair to sit down. “I had the photos developed and they told me they were ready in the morning.”

Soobin calls the waitress and once they order their food, they start looking through the pictures. Some of the photographs are from random days, things that Beomgyu deemed worthy of being immortalized, but most of them are from Kai’s birthday. Beomgyu is a great photographer, everyone looks amazing, and Soobin thinks he’s not a bad one either, looking at the pictures in which Beomgyu appears. 

“You and hyung look good together, even better than before, it’s like you’re meant to be a couple,” Beomgyu scoffs, taking Soobin by surprise. “Don’t look at me like that, you two really thought I wouldn’t notice?”

Soobin doesn’t know what to say. He really thought Beomgyu was not going to notice? He feels stupid now. Beomgyu is childish sometimes and kind of a menace, but he’s smart. He’s always been. 

“It’s not—” Soobin tries, “We’re not— we’re still trying to figure it out so…”

He feels like the world's biggest idiot.

“I’m sorry,” he sighs. 

Beomgyu shakes his head. He’s not mad, Soobin can tell. But there’s a seriousness in his eyes that worries him. 

“It’s okay, hyung,” he starts, an uncomfortable smile appearing on his face. “It’s not like I have the right to tell you anything about it with everything I have going on.” 

Soobin is taken by surprise a second time.

“Yeah, I know you know, you’re not very subtle when you stare at us…”

The waitress brings their food, but Beomgyu doesn’t go for his chopsticks to start picking pieces of meat like he usually would do. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he breathes, “And I don’t know how it’s going to end.”

Beomgyu rests his head on his hands, eyes lost on his bowl of rice. Soobin feels a bit guilty, he thought the whole thing was just fun, but Beomgyu is clearly struggling. 

“I feel like I got into something that was already complicated,” he sighs. “I don’t think they’re bad people, but everything is just too confusing right now and it makes me feel stupid.”

Soobin doesn’t think they’re bad people either. But he knows how difficult things can be, he doesn’t want Beomgyu to get hurt. 

“I think,” Soobin starts, “that you should eat before it gets cold, and that you need to talk to me more often, because I really thought you were just having fun and not going through a whole crisis.” 

Beomgyu grimaces, a smile forming on his face.

“I mean…”

“Please don’t tell me,” Soobin rushes, making Beomgyu laugh. 

“I had fun, so much fun,” he continues, a huge grin pulling his lips. “An incredible amount of fun.”

Soobin yells Beomgyu’s name, not wanting to hear anything about it. He’s curious but not that curious. Beomgyu just laughs, shoulders going up and down. 

He likes this Beomgyu better. 

  ───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

September arrives and Yeonjun’s birthday is just around the corner. Since he spent his last two birthdays abroad, Beomgyu and Kai came up with the idea of having a surprise party. They even made a group chat and everything, but every time Beomgyu asks something Soobin doesn’t read it. Today he just got too tired and called Soobin to finally organize what they need to buy and how to distract Yeonjun long enough for Beomgyu and Wooyoung to decorate the apartment. 

He’s still on the phone when Yeonjun arrives. Soobin rushes and hangs up, texting Beomgyu to let him know Yeonjun is there. However, Yeonjun doesn’t go and kisses Soobin as he usually would do, instead, after taking his shoes off, he exhales a tired hi and tells Soobin he’s going to take a shower. 

Soobin does think it is weird, but he thinks he must be exhausted and just wants to lie down. So, he calls Beomgyu again, stepping out onto the balcony and closing the window. 

Right when they finish organizing the last details and Soobin says goodbye to Beomgyu, Yeonjun comes out of his room, hair wet and eyebrows furrowed together. He opens a cabinet, stares at it for less than three seconds and shuts it close with too much strength. Soobin gets it now. He’s angry. The important question is why. 

Soobin leaves the window of the balcony open, summer is still there, but the air is no longer suffocating. He walks to the kitchen, where Yeonjun opens the other cabinet just to do the same thing.

“Did you eat them?” Yeonjun accuses as soon as Soobin is in front of him. 

“What?” Soobin asks back. 

“The sesame oil noodles, did you eat them?” He insists, annoyed. 

“I didn’t,” Soobin replies, looking at Yeonjun’s face and trying to decipher what could get him so angry to be like this.

“You’re lying, they’re not here,” Yeonjun opens the same cabinet from before just to close it once again. 

“You’re not even looking,” Soobin exhales, “they must be there, you’re just being stupid.” 

“Why are you calling me stupid when you ate my fucking noodles?” Yeonjun spits back. And Soobin’s had enough.

He goes around the kitchen counter to where Yeonjun is standing and opens the cabinet where they keep most of their food. The damn packet of instant noodles is right there, but Yeonjun didn’t look up enough to see it. 

“It’s not there!” Yeonjun insists, and it isn’t probably the best course of action, but Soobin thinks that idiot attitudes seek for idiot solutions. So, Soobin grabs a strand of Yeonjun’s hair and pulls, forcing him to look up. 

And Yeonjun does in fact see where the packet of noodles is. 

However, Soobin was not expecting the full-bodied moan that comes out of Yeonjun’s mouth. 

“Really?” Soobin says in disbelief, hand still holding the strand of Yeonjun’s hair. 

Yeonjun doesn’t reply, but he does turn around, facing Soobin with red cheeks and a pout. 

“Sorry,” he mumbles, staring at Soobin’s chest, too embarrassed to look at his eyes. “I’m angry.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” Soobin huffs, “but I wasn’t expecting that.”

He glances up to Soobin’s face just to look down again. 

Soobin guesses that reaction is another thing that hasn’t changed. As stupid as it might sound, Yeonjun had this tendency of getting stupidly horny when he was mad. 

“What got you so mad anyway?” Soobin questions, supporting his hands on the counter, on each side of Yeonjun. He thinks Yeonjun’s been having a lot of fun teasing him, and now it’s just his turn. 

“One of the instructors at the academy,” Yeonjun mumbles, staring at Soobin’s arms. “They were being rude with the trainees, and I didn’t like it, so I told him and the asshole replied that we weren’t a nursery.” 

It’s not that Soobin isn’t interested or thinks it’s nothing, but right now he just wants to tease Yeonjun, and Yeonjun knows it too. They’re going to talk about it later, probably even curse at the stupid instructor, but now both of them are thinking about something very different. 

“And you got so mad that you had to slam the poor cabinets and blame me for something I didn’t do?” 

“I’m sorry,” Yeonjun exhales, not hiding his annoyance over the fact that Soobin is picking on him, Soobin’s voice obviously tinted with playfulness. 

“And then you go and moan like that in the kitchen,” Soobin continues, “don't you know decency?”

“You’re being so stupid,” Yeonjun pushes him softly, just to keep his hands on Soobin’s chest. 

Soobin knows they are being dumb. Horny and dumb, but it’s okay. He didn’t mind then and doesn’t mind right now.

“Can’t believe you still get horny when you’re angry,” Soobin scoffs, lowering his face. 

“Shut up,” Yeonjun says before pulling him from his shirt and kissing him. 

It escalates quickly. Soon, Yeonjun’s lower back is pressed against the counter, one of Soobin’s hands going under his t-shirt to grab his waist. Yeonjun bites Soobin’s lower lip, forcing him to open his mouth. When his tongue touches Soobin’s, it turns more desperate than before. Yeonjun’s hands reach for Soobin’s hips, and Soobin’s natural reaction is to get between Yeonjun’s legs. 

They’ve been making out almost every other night before falling asleep, but they never let it grow too heated, always laughing it off. This time, Yeonjun moans against Soobin’s lips, hips searching for more friction and Soobin just wants to give him anything he wants. 

“I know I said slow,” Yeonjun breathes, barely pulling away, lips still brushing together. 

“I don’t mind,” Soobin interrupts, “If you really don’t mind, then I don’t.” 

“I don’t,” Yeonjun rushes, “I really don’t.”

Soobin doesn’t even have to think about it, his hands reach for the waistband of Yeonjun’s shorts, his knees touching the floor before Yeonjun can even process what he’s doing, only getting it once Soobin looks up at his face. A shaky exhale comes out of Yeonjun’s lips, and Soobin feels a dark rush running through his whole body. 

The apartment is silent, and Soobin hears Yeonjun swallow before he nods. Soobin tugs Yeonjun’s shorts and boxers down and then, again, when Soobin wraps his lips around him, the gasp that Yeonjun lets out fills the air, making Soobin’s head spin too quickly. 

He grabs Yeonjun’s hips when he thinks he’s played enough with him, laps of his tongue that pulled small sounds from Yeonjun. Soobin breathes deep through his nose before taking more of him on his mouth. By the time Yeonjun’s cock hits the back of his throat, a low moan echoing in the kitchen, Soobin gets absurdly hard. It always got him, the way Yeonjun tried to hold back, to keep his hips steady, to control his desperation. It made him feel dizzy, and now there’s no difference. Soobin feels drunk on it, high on the fact that Yeonjun feels good because of him. 

Soobin’s hands roam down from his hips to the back of his thighs, feeling the soft flesh there, fingers pressing in to send a message, as if looking at each other wasn’t enough, as if Soobin letting his mouth go slack wasn’t a signal clear enough. Yeonjun huffs a curse, and then another one just in case. Soobin doesn’t have the time to make fun of him because Yeonjun grabs a fistful of his hair, pulling just right and making Soobin feel heat pooling inside of him.

Yeonjun moves his hips with that ease of his, with that fluidity that melted Soobin’s brain the first time they had sex. He’s grabbing Soobin’s hair hard, he’s so desperate, lips pulled between his teeth to muffle his sounds, yet he’s still careful. He’s always so careful with Soobin, and for some reason that makes Soobin feel even more dazed. Soobin wants him to cum like this, to feel his knees give up, to kiss messily after, but Yeonjun has something different in mind. He pulls Soobin’s hair, this time not to keep him in place, but to call his attention. 

“Wait, wait,” Yeonjun breathes, pulling back. He grabs Soobin’s shirt, and they know each other so well that Soobin doesn’t even ask, he just stands up and lets Yeonjun kiss him hard, all tongue and teeth before he pushes him to his room. 

It’s so different from last time. The desperation is still there, in the palms of their hands, in their mouths, in the need to touch and feel and breath. But there’s no fear anymore. Soobin knows Yeonjun is here to stay. They fall asleep just like last time, legs entangled and Yeonjun’s face hidden in the same side of Soobin’s neck. This time, however, when Soobin wakes up, Yeonjun is still there. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Soobin feels like he’s on a roller coaster. One hour everything is okay and working, and the next one he wants to scream because there’s a sudden problem he needs to solve. 

At the studio, they’re currently working for different clients and Soobin since —according to his boss— it’s so good at dealing with people and has a nice appearance, is in charge of talking with them, sending emails and checking that everything is good. Familywise, her mom called, wanting to know once again when he’ll have time to go back home. Just thinking about it makes his stomach twist with anxiety. And finally, next Saturday they’re supposed to celebrate Yeonjun’s birthday. 

Right now, he’s stressing over his gift. Soobin’s not sure if it will arrive on time. He should have ordered it earlier, but he was indecisive and took too much time picking it. He just sent an email to the shop asking about it, hoping they will reply quickly before he loses his mind. 

Yeonjun steps out of his room, hair wet after his usual after work shower. His face is slightly flushed, and Soobin gets distracted. Yeonjun looks back at Soobin and grins, happy to be the center of his attention. 

Soobin’s phone vibrates on his desk and in the screen of his computer appears an email notification. He opens it quickly, hoping it’s about Yeonjun’s gift. But luck seems not to be on his side today, because it’s his boss. There’s a problem with one of the clients. Again. They’ll have a meeting tomorrow morning, and he needs to get there earlier than usual.

Soobin throws his head back letting out a loud groan, using all the air in his lungs. 

He feels defeated. 

Almost miserable. 

Life keeps on munching him and spitting him out. 

He’s a piece of gum on the floor. 

He doesn’t hear Yeonjun’s steps, not until he’s already looking down at him. Yeonjun doesn’t ask what’s wrong. Instead, he grabs Soobin’s chair and spins it until they’re facing each other. Soobin opens his mouth to complain, but all the words die in his throat when Yeonjun sits on his lap. 

The chair squeaks but Soobin pays it no mind, eyes on Yeonjun’s bare legs in front of him. 

“You seem stressed,” Yeonjun says, as if it wasn’t obvious. “And I kind of owe you for the other day.”

That sounded corny. 

Straight out a bad sex scene in some raunchy movie. 

Soobin will tell him that later, now his hands reach for Yeonjun’s skin, squeezing his thighs. 

They should know better than to have sex on a desk chair that has seen better days. But they’ve been proving lately that they’re in fact very stupid and very desperate for each other. At least Soobin has half a mind to push the chair with his legs, so it is pressed against the bed. His solution doesn’t last for long though, because when Yeonjun tries to take his shorts off, the chair still moves. His ass doesn’t hit the floor just because he reacts quickly enough to grab the arm rests.

“That was stupid,” he laughs, standing up and throwing himself on Soobin’s bed. “C’mere, idiot.”

“Don’t call me idiot,” Soobin complains, but he still stands up. “You were the one that thought it was a good idea first.” 

“I didn’t think it was a good idea.” Yeonjun stretches his arms at Soobin’s direction, waiting for him to kick out his jeans that Yeonjun had already, somehow, pulled down. “I thought it was a hot idea.”

“Still an idiot,” Soobin insists, finally getting between Yeonjun’s legs. 

“It was your chair anyway, not mine,” Yeonjun shrugs. “It wouldn't be my problem if it broke.”

Maybe, just maybe, that’s what pushes Soobin to finger Yeonjun longer than necessary and with certainly more intent. Yeonjun has to grab Soobin’s wrist before he cums, eyebrows furrowed, to which Soobin smiles innocently. Yeonjun doesn’t buy it and unceremoniously pushes Soobin until his back hits the bed. 

“Idiot,” Yeonjun says, lowering his hips and pulling a gasp out of Soobin. Yeonjun grins, but Soobin does not call him an idiot back. In fact, he doesn’t reply at all, words erased from his brain already. He just puts his hands on Yeonjun’s hips, staring at him and letting him take his time. 

But then, just a moment later, when Yeonjun starts to move his hips, he says it again.

“Idiot,” he articulates between gasps. “You’re really an idiot.”

“Why?” Soobin asks.

“I want to cum,” Yeonjun replies, or rather complains, and Soobin can help but snort.

“Isn’t that a good thing, why are you sulking?”

“‘Cause it’s been like a minute!”

“And why would that make me an idiot?”

“‘Cause you did too much when you—” He doesn’t say it, suddenly feeling embarrassed of having to say it out loud, but Soobin understands. When Soobin was prepping him. 

“As if you hadn’t enjoyed it,” Soobin scoffs, pressing Yeonjun’s hips down to get his point across more effectively. 

He moans but still manages to spat “I hate you.” 

And Soobin wants to point out that for someone who hates him, he’s rolling his hips with too much enthusiasm. But he doesn’t want to earn a flick on his forehead, so he keeps the comment for himself. 

Yeonjun whines, and Soobin notices that he’s biting his lower lip with too much force. Maybe he’s right, he was a bit of an idiot. Soobin moves, bending his knees and planting his feet firmly on the mattress, making Yeonjun fall forwards. 

“Wait, wait,” Yeonjun breathes, and Soobin smiles at his desperation.

“I haven’t done anything,” he defends himself. 

“Yeah, sure, as if I didn't know you.” He speaks with annoyance but still kisses Soobin now that he can. It’s hot, Yeonjun kisses absurdly well, and it makes Soobin's head spin. When he bites Soobin’s lower lip just to suck on it after, Soobin thrust his hips up as a reflex, making Yeonjun gasp. 

But before Yeonjun starts calling Soobin names, he offers a solution.

“Think you can cum twice?” 

He’s still being an idiot, because he thrusts into him, this time intentionally, holding his waist firmly. Yeonjun’s eyebrows are furrowed, looking down at Soobin, and for a moment, he thinks Yeonjun’s going to say no, but instead he replies, “It’s been a while.”

“Wanna try?” Yeonjun stares at Soobin’s face for a whole second, trying to breathe. And then he nods, quickly, desperate, before hiding his face on Soobin’s neck who doesn't waste a second, hands holding Yeonjun tighter to fuck into him. Yeonjun starts to jack himself off, and Soobin has to focus on not cumming between the sounds he’s making and how good he feels. Yeonjun was really on the edge because he barely flicks his wrist before his back arches, nails digging into Soobin’s skin. 

When he lifts his face to look at Soobin, cheeks red, pupils blown wide and lips bitten, Soobin heart aches. The playful and foolish air is gone, and now there’s something much softer on his eyes, more tender, and Soobin just wants to take care of him. 

He doesn’t push him on his back like Yeonjun did. He’s much more careful, as careful as Yeonjun’s hands on his face, caressing him softly. And when Yeonjun repeats that it’s really been a long time, laughing a bit to pass it off as a joke, Soobin doesn’t tease him about it, instead he replies that it’s okay, we can go slow. He kisses his face softly, tiny kisses to make Yeonjun smile before he goes for his neck, his collarbones, his chest… He tries not to leave marks, but it’s too tempting, sucking on his skin a little too long. When the kisses reach his navel, Yeonjun covers his mouth with the back of his hand so when Soobin’s fingers press inside of him, Yeonjun’s moan comes out muffled. 

Soobin goes slow as he promised, leaving kisses on his tummy, waiting for Yeonjun to get half-hard before circling the head of his cock with his mouth. It doesn’t take long for him to get fully hard and desperate, pulling at Soobin’s hair to call his attention. 

They don’t say a single word, Soobin just stares at him and Yeonjun nods, grabbing Soobin’s arms and pulling him closer. 

It’s still slow even when Soobin moans against Yeonjun’s lips, clutching the blanket under them. He’s been hard for too long now and Yeonjun feels too good. It’s slow, yet Soobin still has to remind Yeonjun to breathe. Yeonjun cums first, legs trembling but not letting go of Soobin, keeping him close. Soobin hides his face in Yeonjun’s neck, biting his skin to muffle his sounds. When his orgasm hits him, he feels out of his body for a minute, and it is Yeonjun's turn to tell him to breathe, laughing softly. 

“Soobin,” Yeonjun calls after a moment, making Soobin lift his head to look at him. Yeonjun grabs his face with both hands, squeezing his cheeks before kissing him. “Idiot.”

Soobin exhales, rolling his eyes. 

“I can’t stand you,” he groans. “You’re annoying.” 

However, when Yeonjun opens his arm big, Soobin gets his arms under his back, hugging him tight.

They’re a mess. They need a shower and to clean Soobin’s bed. But Yeonjun’s skin is warm, and he feels like falling asleep. Everything else can wait. 

Chapter Text

Yeonjun smiles wide when he sees Soobin waiting for him outside the dance studio. He’s holding a bouquet of orange flowers with his left arm, probably a gift from his co-workers, or maybe from his students. It makes Soobin smile, he likes to know people care for him. He used to worry about if he felt alone abroad, especially during festivities, he would text Beomgyu, and he would tell him some friends invited Yeonjun home or that his roommates had put together a meal to celebrate. He’s glad to know that whenever Yeonjun goes he finds good people that take care of him. 

“Hi,” he says, his smile keeps his cheeks up and Soobin wants to bite his face. He’s spending too much time with Yeonjun and now he’s getting the same cute aggression worms on his brain. “Do I look good? I’d do a twirl for you, but I know my students are spying us…” 

Before summer, Yeonjun would usually come to the studio wearing stylish outfits that he picked carefully in the morning. But as soon as the heat became unbearable, he stuck with sport shorts and either wide t-shirts or tank tops. Soobin told him last night to bring a different outfit to change after work with the excuse of going out together. He thinks they’ll just have dinner with Beomgyu, because Kai, Taehyun and Wooyoung told him they are busy. Yeonjun completely ignores that right now Beomgyu and Wooyoung are trying to decorate the apartment, hopefully not breaking anything. Taehyun and Lea are in charge of buying everything to make Yeonjun’s favorite dishes and Kai has to pick up the cake that Yeonjun’s parents chose. 

Soobin is just the distraction. 

A great distraction if you ask him. 

“You look pretty,” Soobin says, accommodating a strand of his hair. His shy smile is replaced with a grin, and Soobin knows Yeonjun is about to say something stupid. So, before he can open his mouth, Soobin asks him where he wants to go first. 

Since it’s still hot, they end up having bingsu for lunch. Soobin guesses it’s okay to go back to their old student’s habits for a day, considering that it’s Yeonjun’s birthday. They sit in a nearby park, and Yeonjun gets desperate each time a dog passes by because of how cute they are. Soobin laughs at his reactions, because he can’t believe there was a time he thought Yeonjun was too cool to be real, a sort of “God of being cool”. Said God is now squeezing his own face because of a brown poodle wearing a baseball cap. 

They take the subway back home only when Beomgyu texts Soobin that they’re ready. 

When Yeonjun opens the door of their apartment, Soobin hears a pop that makes his heart skip a beat and confetti rains down on them. Beomgyu counts down and they start singing happy birthday. Soobin sees Wooyoung lighting the candles in a rush before Kai comes with the cake to where Yeonjun and Soobin are standing with their shoes still on. It’s a bit awkward because he’s behind Yeonjun, but Soobin still sings and claps for him when he blows the candles. 

Yeonjun kicks his shoes just to pat Kai’s and Beomgyu’s butt before hugging them. He thanks Wooyoung, Taehyun and Lea too. He laughs it off, but Soobin sees right through him; he’s trying not to cry. The worst part is that he can’t make fun of him because Soobin feels his own eyes get moisty. But Beomgyu is a little shit and yells at Yeonjun.

“Yah, don’t cry!” He pats Yeonjun’s back loudly, trying to stop him from actually crying. “If you cry, I’m gonna make fun of you!” 

Yeonjun nods and licks his lips before smiling. He’s really trying, and Soobin has to turn around and look up at the ceiling. 

“You too, hyung?!” Beomgyu sighs like an old man. “I’m surrounded by crybabies.” 

Soobin thinks he could call Beomgyu out for crying during Yeonjun’s first birthday abroad, just because he missed him too much. But that wouldn’t be fair. Maybe one day when it’s just the three of them he’s going to say it, but now, he just kicks him softly, not with real intent. 

They sit around the coffee table and eat what Taehyun cooked. Yeonjun sighs time and time again, mouth full. It’s strange to have so many people at home, considering how small their apartment is, but Soobin likes that they decided to celebrate Yeonjun’s birthday here. There are balloons on the floor and they put fringe curtains on one of the walls with a garland made of printed letters that spell joyeux anniversaire. Soobin assumes that it says happy birthday in French because if he asks Yeonjun he will make him read the words out loud. 

Once they finish the food, they give Yeonjun his birthday presents. Soobin is nervous. His present did arrive two days ago (he almost cried from relief), but now he worries that Yeonjun might not like it. Maybe it’s too simple. Maybe Yeonjun won’t remember. Maybe it’s no longer Yeonjun’s taste. Soobin ends up being the last person to hand his present, and Yeonjun unwraps the paper with curious eyes. When Yeonjun sees the brand’s name engraved in the box his eyes open wide. 

“Did you really—” Yeonjun stops mid-sentence when he opens it and sees the bracelets inside. 

They’re similar to the ones that Soobin was wearing the first time they talked to each other, but much more well made. Yeonjun used to steal his bracelets when they were together, just giving them back to Soobin when he kissed him one last time before saying goodbye. They snapped one after the other, they weren’t made to last. Soobin hopes these ones will have a much longer life. 

Yeonjun’s eyes turn glassy and Soobin panics.

“Hyung—” Soobin starts, but Yeonjun doesn’t let him continue.

“They’re really pretty,” he says, more tears gathering in his eyes. 

“Hyung, you made him cry again!” Beomgyu complains, making Yeonjun laugh wetly. 

“Thank you, Bin-ah.” Yeonjun looks at him and a tear rolls down his cheek, and Soobin's instant reaction is to catch it with his thumb, which only makes Yeonjun laugh some more.

“Yah, don’t kiss in front of the children,” Wooyoung groans, as he wasn’t the most affectionate person ever, obsessed with giving everyone cheek kisses. 

Just to annoy him Yeonjun grabs Soobin’s face with both of his hands, Beomgyu fakes a gag and Taehyun and Kai shriek, but Yeonjun only kisses Soobin loudly on his forehead, squeezing his cheeks and making him laugh.

“You two are disgusting,” Beomgyu says, nose wrinkled. “Please never stop loving each other.”

Yeonjun asks Soobin to help him put on the bracelets, and when he looks at his hands together, at his shiny and pretty eyes, he wants to reply to Beomgyu that he hopes they don’t. 

They’re still young and very stupid, they’ve proved it. 

But he wants to have this for a very, very long time. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Summer ends, and they decide to go to the beach one last time before fall turns the weather too cold. They take Beomgyu with them, and he opens up to Yeonjun about his love life drama. Yeonjun does throw a little tantrum over Kai being his baby, but he quickly forgets about it when Beomgyu starts explaining everything and gets overwhelmed with his own emotions. Yeonjun’s reaction is similar to Soobin’s. It’s difficult to know what to say, so he just hugs Beomgyu.

“It’s quite a challenge to make Huening speak,” he explains, “But he’s not a bad person. Actually, he may be the best person in the whole world, so Taehyun and you just need to be patient.” 

The sea breeze plays with their hair, making them look funny. Beomgyu still seems a bit conflicted, but he looks much calmer than when he started talking. 

Time will tell what happens next, but Soobin knows him and Yeonjun will be there for Beomgyu, no matter what.

October arrives and the trees turn yellow. Soobin doesn’t particularly enjoy the cold weather, but at least now he can sleep in the same bed with Yeonjun without feeling like his skin is melting. 

In the end, Soobin decides to go home for Chuseok. Since the festival falls on Monday, he will travel on Saturday and stay the whole weekend. His mom couldn’t be happier when he tells her, and it makes him feel guilty. 

Yeonjun goes home too. He offers that they take the same train, even if they’ll have to take a bus after to actually arrive home. Yeonjun knows Soobin is anxious, and he talks to him the whole ride, trying to keep his mind away from everything else. When they arrive at the station, he hugs him tight.

“Call me if something happens, you can just take a bus and I’ll figure out what to say to my parents.” It makes Soobin chuckle, so Yeonjun continues. “Maybe I don’t need to say anything, you’re too handsome and charming, my mom will forget about asking questions.” 

Soobin arrives when the sun is setting. The last time he saw his parents was for his graduation, almost a year ago, and he can’t believe that much time passed. He feels like a foreigner standing in front of the door. This used to be his home. He should call it home. But it doesn’t feel right. 

Before he can have a whole crisis over it, he rings the doorbell. His mom opens the door with the biggest and brightest smile ever, and Soobin forgets for a moment why he was so hurt. The same happens with his dad, he hugs him, an uncommon thing between them, and Soobin thinks it’ll be okay. 

And it is. Everything goes well during dinner. It’s like nothing had happened. His dad doesn’t ask where he is living now. He doesn’t ask about his work. And neither does his mom. She only asks him about the city, things she saw in the news, she thinks he doesn’t look as skinny as the last time she saw him and says she’s happy that he’s eating well. She asks about Beomgyu too, and his dad says ah, the boy from Daegu. They don’t say anything about his hair either, Yeonjun retouched his roots a week ago and applied some treatment, so it looks healthy. Soobin wants to know what they think, even if they hate it, but they stay silent. 

Soobin thinks silence is worse than fighting. 

It’s like his dad had given up on him.

Sunday is easier. Dahee comes to visit, and Soobin spends most of the day playing with his nephews. Hamin grew a lot during the last year; he’s in the age where kids seem to have enough energy to run a hundred marathons one after the other. They play outside until Soobin feels like his lungs are going to pop. During lunch he feeds Seojoon so his sister can eat without having to worry for him. Soobin does end up with his pants stained with puree, but he doesn’t mind, he just takes a picture to show Yeonjun. He plays some more with Seojoon and Hamin until they fall asleep, he tucks them in his bed for now, his dad and Dahee’s husband are speaking animatedly about work and Soobin thinks they won’t be going home any time soon. He doesn’t know what to do now. His mom and Dahee are preparing the food for tomorrow, but he’s a mess in the kitchen and they won’t let him do anything. Joining his dad and his brother-in-law conversation is not even an option. He already got the message, his dad doesn’t want to know anything about his life in Seoul, and while Dahee’s husband is not a bad man, Soobin thinks he will think his job is childish. 

He feels out of place. The feeling is appallingly strange considering this used to be his home. Before he can feel like he’s drowning, Soobin goes outside. 

The air is cold and feels crisp when Soobin breathes deeply from his mouth. It helps him to calm down. 

When he feels that he is no longer going to burst into tears at any moment, he sits on the edge of the front steps. He remembers how his legs barely reached the first step, now he has to bend his knees and it’s a bit awkward. He thinks about calling the girls, he should have texted Arin earlier, maybe she could have made some time for him to go for a walk. He doesn’t feel like calling Beomgyu or Yeonjun, they’ll worry too much, and Soobin knows how much they enjoy being back home. 

He breathes deeply again. 

On his third exhale, the door opens behind him. 

Dahee crosses his arms when the chilly air hits her, but she doesn’t complain, she just steps to where Soobin is and sits next to him. 

“Thank you for coming,” she says softly, a small smile pulling his lips, “but I think I was wrong…”

“What do you mean?” Soobin asks, imitating her and crossing his arms over his chest. 

Her eyes drift to the street. Some leaves have already fallen from the trees, Hamin stepped on each one of them, he made sure of it. She looks like she’s trying to find something there, hidden in the cracks of the pavement that is still the same from their childhood.  

“This place, our parents, your life is no longer here,” Dahee exhales. “I already knew, but I think now I understand it.”

Soobin doesn’t know what to say. 

The lamp post flicks. The whole town is old, but this neighborhood seems particularly old, trapped in time. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever feel ready to tell them,” Soobin confesses. 

“Then don’t,” Dahee replies instantly. “You have me, I know they love you and they care for you, but I love you no matter what.”

Soobin feels the knot on his throat forming again, and Dahee notices he’s struggling. She hugs him, petting his hair. 

“Yah, I know it’s off topic, but your hair is really soft,” she says in awe, and it makes Soobin want to cry even more. 

It’s such a stupid detail, but he feels seen by Dahee.

“I know it’s hard, but you have me,” she repeats, “and that pretty boyfriend of yours too.”

“Noona—”

“I saw the pictures you posted for his birthday, you two are too obvious.”

Soobin exhales defeated. He doesn’t feel like explaining to Dahee that Yeonjun’s not officially his boyfriend yet. Soobin needs to think about that because it’s getting ridiculous considering everyone knows they’re back together.

“I saw the pictures with your friends too,” Dahee continues. “You have so many people that care for you, so please don’t be sad. Life is complicated, but you’re so loved, Soobin-ah, it will be fine.”

On Monday, after lunch, he leaves. His mom looks sad and she must be thinking when she will see Soobin again. Soobin hugs her tight, and his dad too. 

He can’t change them, and they can’t change the things that happened, the decisions they took. But Soobin did change. He’s no longer the eighteen-year-old that left home, excited but so afraid. He can’t pretend things stood the same. 

When he arrives home, Yeonjun kisses his whole face, complaining about having been alone for a whole hour. He has a text from Taehyun wanting to know if he’s free on the week, Beomgyu sent him a video of some bunnies he saw back home, and Kai shared the draft of a song, wanting to know what Soobin thinks. 

Dahee is right. Life it’s complicated, but he shouldn’t feel like everything is. 

They fall asleep on Yeonjun’s bed, both tired from the trip. By the time Soobin wakes up, the room is in complete darkness. He’s cold, they fell asleep on top of the blankets and now that the sun is no longer warming the apartment, he regrets taking off his sweater. He moves closer to Yeonjun, his skin is warm as always and Soobin presses his face against his neck, waking him up. 

“I’m sorry,” Soobin mumbles, but he still presses his cold hands on Yeonjun’s waist, trying to steal some of his warmth. 

Yeonjun doesn’t say anything, he just sighs and hugs Soobin, caressing his arms with his palms to warm him up. 

Soobin doesn’t really have to think about it. 

“Hyung,” he calls, making sure Yeonjun is listening. “I love you.”

Back then, Yeonjun said it first. It’s not like Soobin felt the obligation to say it first this time, but he had been wanting to say it for a while now. 

Yeonjun hugs him tighter.

“I love you too,” he says, voice soft, kissing his cheek. 

And again, life is complicated. 

But love is a really simple thing. 

Chapter Text

Soobin thinks Yeonjun is planning something. 

And he fears that said something is asking Soobin to be his boyfriend. 

And Soobin can’t let that happen. 

Not because he doesn’t want to be Yeonjun’s boyfriend. But because he wants to ask Yeonjun to be his boyfriend first. 

He sounds like an idiot, but Soobin does have a point. 

Soobin asked the question the first time. He bought Yeonjun a vinyl and inside he hid a letter. It made Yeonjun cry and Soobin panicked in return, but then Yeonjun kissed his whole face and said yes with the biggest smile ever. Soobin doesn’t want Yeonjun to think that he has to ask this time just because Soobin did it first. It doesn’t have to be like that. 

Besides, both had shitty jobs that didn’t pay them enough back then. Now it’s different, and Soobin wants to do something special. He already set his mind on doing it, but the problem is that he doesn’t know how or when. The idea of going to a fancy restaurant makes Soobin grimace, that’s a bit too obvious and— there’s a word in French for that. Clachi or maybe clochi. Going to a restaurant would be too clochi. Maybe he could organize a short trip, but where? There aren’t that many places to travel right now, considering that it is too cold for going to the beach, but not cold enough for the snow to settle. He could buy Yeonjun something, but what? Because it should be meaningful… 

Soobin is about to spiral when his boss knocks at the door before entering his office. 

“Hey, Soobin-ssi,” she calls, arms crossed over her chest. She has this weird expression on her face that Soobin has never seen, and it makes his blood run cold in a second. He quickly goes over everything he needed to do today. He sent all the emails he was supposed to send, presented his proposal for songs for that new boy group, and helped with some guides for the other producers in the studio. 

“Yes, what’s wrong?” He asks, trying to look normal and not like he’s thinking he’s going to get scolded, or worse, fired. 

“Oh, nothing,” she starts, shaking her head. 

“Did I forget to do something?” Soobin asks now, grimacing.

“No, it’s nothing like that, Soobin-ssi.” She breathes, looking at him and Soobin feels like he’s going to explode. “You see, you know I’m getting married next week…”

Yes, Soobin nods, he knows. That’s the reason why he’s been so busy lately; every time she needs to do something for the wedding, Soobin has to cover her up and contact the clients and do other tasks that normally she would handle. 

“Well, the thing is some of our friends just told us they won't be able to come, and we've already paid for everything, so…”

“So…” Soobin echoes, not really understanding where the conversation is going. 

“Would you like to come?” She asks, and Soobin can’t contain his expression of shock. And again, that weird expression appears on her face and Soobin just realizes it’s shyness. “I know it’s strange! But as I said, we already paid for everything, and we’ve already invited all the friends that we have here in Korea. And you’ve been working so hard! You've helped me so much this year, let’s just say it is my way of saying thank you.”

Soobin just looks at her, mouth open. 

“You can invite someone else,” she adds. “Think about it as a celebration for you too.”

“Celebration?” With each word she says, Soobin becomes more confused.

“You’ll start next year with a raise.” 

Soobin's brain may have just exploded. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

“A wedding?!” Yeonjun gasps, eyes open wide, and Soobin thinks that’s the same expression he made earlier, so he won’t make fun of him. 

"Yes, a wedding,” Soobin repeats, “or well, not an actual wedding, they got married abroad, and now it’s just a symbolic ceremony."

His boss, Eunji, met her wife when she went to study abroad. They’re married but for Korean legislation it doesn’t mean a thing. Still, they decided to hold a ceremony in the country, a celebration for their love. Just because they can. Just to show that they exist and that they love each other regardless of everything. 

“Lesbian love,” Yeonjun sighs, making Soobin chuckle because yeah, lesbian love. 

“So,” Soobin starts, trying to coax an answer from Yeonjun. 

“So…” Yeonjun repeats, looking at Soobin from where he is sitting on the edge of the bed. If Soobin didn’t know him as much as he does, he wouldn’t have noticed the small twitch of his mouth. He wants to play dumb with Soobin. 

“Hyung,” he groans, hands going for Yeonjun’s shoulders just to shake him softly. It makes Yeonjun giggle. 

“What?” Yeonjun asks, no longer hiding his mischievous smile. Yeonjun’s hands grab Soobin’s forearms, but he doesn’t push him away, he just keeps them there. 

“You’re being mean,” Soobin says, because he already asked Yeonjun if he could accompany him. And he really doesn’t feel like going alone, not to a place where probably most people know each other. Of course he could ask Beomgyu. But he thinks it would be weird, everyone will be asking them if they’re a couple. 

Well, that would still be a problem if he goes with Yeonjun. Unconsciously, he furrows his eyebrows and Yeonjun catches on it. 

“What?” He asks again, but his voice is different this time. “What was that?”

“What?” Soobin replies, still not aware of his own expression.

“You’re furrowing your eyebrows,” Yeonjun chuckles, hands caressing his forearms “what are you thinking?” 

“Nothing,” Soobin says too quickly. 

“Don’t believe you,” Yeonjun replies right away, his stupid smile pulling his lips upwards. Soobin feels both the urge of slapping Yeonjun’s hands off and kissing him. 

He opts for pushing Yeonjun’s hands away, he looks too smug, and it annoys Soobin. But Yeonjun is having none of that, he holds Soobin harder, not allowing him to pull back. And Soobin might be bigger and exercise from time to time, but Yeonjun is still the athletic and agile person between them, so it shouldn’t surprise him that their push and pull ends with Yeonjun tugging Soobin into his lap just to throw him into the bed when Soobin doesn’t stop tussling. 

“I hate you,” Soobin sighs with no bite at all, just making Yeonjun chuckle some more. He looks too good like this, looking down at him. Soobin really wants to kiss him.

“No, you don’t.” Yeounjun sticks his tongue out, and Soobin forgets about kissing him. He fights back again, trying to push Yeonjun on his back, but it’s futile. Yeonjun just keeps on laughing, that silly laugh he makes when he’s having fun. Soobin loves him so much. Yeonjun’s right, how could Soobin hate him?

As if he had read Soobin’s mind, Yeonjun kisses him. It’s soft yet firm, and it makes Soobin feel light-headed. It’s worse when Yeonjun’s current playful humor bleeds into the kiss, gliding his tongue on Soobin’s lower lip just to pull away, repeating it until Soobin’s had enough and grabs Yeonjun from the back of his neck, pulling him closer. 

“Come on,” Yeonjun exhales between kisses, “what were you thinking about?”

Soobin shakes his head, kissing him so he forgets about it. But Yeonjun wants to be stubborn and insists again.

“C’mon, Soobinie,” he smiles, using all his tricks to coax Soobin to speak. The worst part is that it works. Soobin stops kissing him just to look at him, at his lips that are now red, face just a little bit flushed, at the way his eyes shine, so ravishingly pretty that Soobin’s only thought is how much he loves him, he loves him so much. 

Maybe, he just needs to ask. Would it be too terrible? He knows Yeonjun would love going to the wedding telling everybody that asks that they’re boyfriends, he would look as smug as he did before. And happy, the same giggles coming out of his lips. Soobin really just wants to ask him to be his boyfriend.

“Hyung—”

The doorbell rings loudly, the sound reaching Yeonjun’s room stridently. It startles them both.

It’s late, they didn’t order food and certainly weren’t expecting anyone to come. Yeonjun gets off him to stand up, looking confused at Soobin. 

“Maybe a neighbor?” Soobin offers before getting up too when he sees the look on Yeonjun's face. Soobin isn’t the bravest person alive, but Yeonjun is much more of a scaredy-cat than he is. 

Soobin follows him, standing behind him when he looks through the peephole. So, when Yeonjun jumps back, he clashes against his chest. Soobin doesn’t even get to ask who it is before Yeonjun opens the door. 

In front of them appears Kai, and if his eyes weren’t enough to give him away, he breathes shakily.

“What happened?” Soobin and Yeonjun ask at the same time, the fear from before turning into worry. 

“Kai-ya, what happened? Are you okay?” Yeonjun insists when Kai doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even move, so Yeonjun grabs his hand to pull him inside. “Come here.” 

Yeonjun holds his arms while Kai kicks his shoes off. It reminds Soobin of doing the exact same thing with Yeonjun, and his heart aches. 

“Kai, what’s wrong?” Soobin asks, keeping his voice soft. 

He stares at Soobin, then at Yeonjun. 

And he explodes. 

“M’sorry, I’m so sorry,” he says, another shaky inhale making him tremble. “I texted you, but you didn’t reply, then I texted Soobin-hyung and he also didn’t reply, and I didn’t know what else to do because—because I didn’t want noona to see me like this and I— I’m so sorry, hyung.”

“It’s okay,” Yeonjun assures, rubbing his arms, “It’s okay, baby, hyung’s sorry for not answering.” 

Yeonjun guides Kai until they’re sitting on the couch. Kai’s biting his lower lip nervously and Yenjun looks at Soobin with concern, probably as confused as him. 

“Can you tell me what happened?” Yeonjun asks, his hands caressing Kai’s. 

“It’s—” Kai starts, but stops to look at Soobin, then back at Yeonjun, then back at Soobin. He finishes what he was about to say, but his voice is much lower, like he is telling a secret. “It’s about Taehyun and Beomgyu-hyung…” 

Ah. 

“Kai-yah, you like egg tarts, right?” Soobin asks, grabbing his phone that he left on the coffee table before telling Yeonjun about the wedding. Luckily his jacket is there too, lying on the armrest of the couch so he won’t have to go to his room and make this even more embarrassing than it already is. Kai is a bit confused by the question, but he nods. “Hyung, do you want something? I’ll go to that convenience store that has pastries, you know, the one ten minutes from here…”

Soobin knows he’s being awkward, but considering Yeonjun always has problems getting his cues, he tries to be as explicit as possible. And it works, Yeonjun nods and then shakes his head with a smile.

“Surprise me,” he says. Soobin doesn’t need to hear more before rushing to get his shoes on and giving them privacy. 

He is nosy, he won’t deny it. But it was clear that Kai wasn’t comfortable talking about it with Soobin there. 

By the time he comes back, a bag filled with pastries in hand, Kai seems much calmer, even if his eyes look redder than before. Although the egg tarts are not freshly baked, Kai eats them with enthusiasm. After that, Yeonjun urges him to go to bed, it’s very late and the three of them are supposed to wake up early. Still, they probably talk some more because Soobin hears Yeonjun’s door being closed before he falls asleep.

He’s woken by a weight sinking into the mattress. There’s the sound of the sheets being ruffled and warm hands reaching for him, but he’s still in the limbo between sleep and consciousness, so it takes him a minute to realize it’s Yeonjun and hug him back. 

“Hey,” Soobin says. 

“Thank you,” Yeonjun whispers. 

“‘Twas nothing,” Soobin hugs Yeonjun tighter, just because he can. “How is he?”

“He’ll be fine,” Yeonjun sighs, “But seriously, thank you, he was about to explode, but he wouldn’t have talked to me knowing you were there.”

“Was it that bad?” 

“He has the tendency to bottle up his emotions a bit too much,” Yeonjun explains, sighing again. “I wonder if Taehyun has somebody to talk to about this…”

Soobin wonders the same. When they meet, Taehyun talks about many things, but never about Kai or Beomgyu, maybe he drops their names when mentioning something, but beyond that there’s nothing. Soobin knows he’s mature and level-headed, but he could be struggling with his emotions too.

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow,” Soobin promises, making Yeonjun nod his head against his neck. 

“Soobin,” Yeonjun calls his name as if making sure that Soobin didn’t fall asleep in the fifteen seconds they didn’t talk. Soobin hums, a hand caressing his back to let him know that he’s listening. “Of course I’m going to that wedding with you.”

In the end, it’s Taehyun who calls him first the next morning. Soobin is just settling into his desk when his phone starts buzzing. 

“Taehyun-ah, are you okay?” Soobin asks right away because Taehyun prefers to text and rarely calls. 

“Ah, yeah, hyung,” Taehyun replies, “I’m okay I just called you because Yeonjun-hyung didn’t reply to me, I think he made a mistake.”

“What do you mean?”

“He ordered food, but he sent it to my apartment, maybe he didn’t change the direction from the last time you came here.”

“Ah…” Soobin thinks that Yeonjun might not see it, but his heart is simply too big, he worries too much for people. “Taehyun-ah, I don’t think it was a mistake.”

“But why? It’s not like it’s my birthday…”

“He worries too much, that’s all,” Soobin replies, a soft smile making his voice sound light. He doesn’t want to pressure Taehyun, they've known each other for a while now, but he doesn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. “By the way I’m kinda busy this week, but if you want to go out, I can make some time.”

“Okay, hyung,” Taehyun replies after a bit, probably still a bit confused or maybe trying to process the fact that Yeonjun knows there’s something happening. “Thank you, hyung.” 

Soobin hopes all three of them will be fine. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

“It’s not fair!” He whines, pulling a full pout, but it’s futile. 

Soobin feels like a child being denied something he obviously doesn’t need but still gets all sulky because it feels like the biggest cruelty in the world. He knows he’s being stupid, especially if he considers that his reaction is exactly what Yeonjun wanted. 

“Stop sulking, it’s nothing special,” Yeonjun says, trying to downplay the whole reason behind Soobin being sulky in the first place, but he can see the repressed smile in Yeonjun’s face, and it annoys him. 

“You’re being mean!” 

“Bin-ah it’s really nothing!” Yeonjun insists. 

“Then why don’t you just show me!” 

Here’s the thing. They didn’t have appropriate clothes to wear to the wedding because —as the invitation specified and as his boss further explained— it’s going to be in the style of western weddings, and the dress code is formal. So, they went on a shopping spree yesterday, Yeonjun helping Soobin choose what to wear. But Yeonjun didn’t buy anything for himself, just eyeing pieces of clothing here and there, sometimes feeling the fabric of the pieces between his fingers but never trying them on.

“You didn’t like anything?” Soobin asked when Yeonjun told him they should pick something to eat before going home, meaning he was done for the day and didn’t want to keep on skimming through clothes. 

Yeonjun hummed but didn’t reply to Soobin’s question. 

He wasn’t indecisive, he just wanted to play with Soobin, because he just arrived home with two big bags and a smile he kept on his face when Soobin asked him to show him what he bought. 

“It’s more fun if I don’t show you,” Yeonjun says, same smile from before appearing on his face.

“Hyung it’s not like we’re the ones getting married,” Soobin exhales. He knows Yeonjun won’t show him, he already set his mind on making Soobin suffer. Soobin flops down on the couch, defeated. 

And Yeonjun, the menace he is to Soobin’s patience and sanity, sits on his lap. His hands firmly set on Soobin’s chest and the most annoying expression on his face. 

“Don’t you wanna marry me, Soobin?” Yeonjun pouts, making Soobin roll his eyes. 

Soobin opens his mouth to reply that I’m not even your boyfriend yet, but he bites his tongue. That’s dangerous territory. He thinks Yeonjun will ask him what he was about to say, just like the other day he insisted on knowing what he was thinking about, but luckily his horny ass got distracted with Soobin’s tongue picking through his lips. 

“Yah, Bin-ah,” Yeonjun calls, eyes fixed on Soobin’s mouth, but wanting an answer to his question.  

Soobin grabs his arms making him fall forwards. He’s still a bit annoyed, Yeonjun likes to make him suffer a little bit too much, but his hands still reach for Yeonjun’s face to kiss him. He won’t answer, but he thinks he doesn’t need to. 

Yeonjun already knows. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Soobin hates to admit it, but from time to time Yeonjun is right. 

On Saturday, they rush from work to get ready for the wedding. Soobin’s clothes are nothing crazy, a simple black suit, the only detail is that instead of a shirt, Yeonjun picked a black turtleneck for him. It gives him that look that his friends from school would tease him for, the one that Arin likes to call the love interest. It makes him grimace, but at the same time he understands why Yeonjun opted for this outfit. 

There’s a knock on his door, even if it’s open, and then Yeonjun calls his name. 

He tried to imagine what Yeonjun was going to wear, of course he did. Still, his heart jumps and pauses when he sees him. 

His suit is black too; he played it safe with the color. But that really doesn’t matter, not when under his jacket he’s wearing a vest and nothing more, leaving a part of his collarbones exposed. And that's not even the worst part for Soobin, the most terrible thing is that Yeonjun styled his hair back, showing his forehead and highlighting the fact that his face is bare. No makeup, at least no striking colors, just Yeonjun’s raw beauty. Soobin’s once again in front of ethereally attractive Yeonjun, too good to be true Yeonjun. He doesn’t blame himself for swallowing his saliva too loudly. He’s human after all, and Yeonjun is too, but tonight he decided to make everyone believe the opposite thing, and Soobin can’t do anything to hide the fact that he’s affected by it. And of course it was more fun like this, for Yeonjun at least. 

But Yeonjun spares him some mercy and doesn’t make fun of him. On the contrary, he looks at Soobin with soft eyes.

“You look handsome,” Yeonjun says, and it makes Soobin furrow his eyebrows.

“You already saw me, hyung.” He’s the one that should be giving Yeonjun compliments. 

“Yeah, I did, still—” Yeonjun’s hand reaches for Soobin’s hair, he pretends to accommodate some strands, but it’s more petting than anything. It’s like he forgot he was supposed to mess with Soobin and make fun of his reaction. “So pretty, mmh? Always so pretty.”

The thing with the word pretty is that it is an undeniable truth that Soobin loves using it with Yeonjun. But Soobin would rarely use it to describe himself, and Yeonjun knows it. So, in moments like this, he would treat Soobin softly, just to remind him that for his eyes, he’s as pretty as Yeonjun is for him. Soobin doesn’t say anything, he never knows what to say in these moments, so he kisses Yeonjun. 

He doesn’t think somebody else could treat him with as much care as Yeonjun does.

And Soobin feels it again after the main ceremony, after Eunji reads her vows and makes Yeonjun shed some tears, after they eat and the people on their table have to ask them who they are but treat them so nicely, after the brides dance to a soft song and then invite everyone to join them. He feels it when Yeonjun asks him if he wants to dance, and Soobin doubts for a second, because he might not be terrible at dancing, but certainly Yeonjun is much better than him.

“You know I’ll guide you,” Yeonjun smiles, reading his mind. 

And he does. He makes it feel easy for Soobin. Yeonjun just chuckles softly when Soobin almost steps on his foot. It feels natural too; to dance with him, to be surrounded by people even if they don’t know anybody, to just be there. Nobody notices them, nobody would point fingers at them, here, they’re safe and Soobin will thank Eunji later for inviting him. Soobin’s eyes move from the people around them back to Yeonjun, and he must be thinking the same. How lucky they are, how nice it is. Soobin sees nothing but care in his eyes, and he doesn’t have to think about it. 

“Hyung,” Yeonjun blinks at him, and Soobin finally makes the question that he’s had stuck in his throat for weeks now. “Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

He was not expecting Yeonjun to stumble, Soobin's arms holding him before he can fall. 

“Yah, Soobin-ah,” he whines, arms still holding onto Soobin to steady himself. “It’s not fair.”

“What?” He asks, trying to understand.

“It’s not fair,” Yeonjun insists, “I wanted to ask you first, I was actually about to do it.”

It takes Soobin a moment, and when it clicks Yeonjun can see it. Soobin mouth forms and “oh” and then lets out a half-laugh half-exhale. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, smiling at Yeonjun’s pouting face. “I already did it first, so…” 

“So nothing,” Yeonjun finishes. “Besides, isn't it bad to ask this at someone else’s wedding?” 

Soobin rolls his eyes, “You said you were thinking about doing it too!”

“Yes, but I didn’t do it because you did it first.” 

“You’re so—” Soobin really can’t believe him. So he says it. “I can’t believe you’re so dumb and I’m still so in love with you.”

It makes Yeonjun chuckle, not getting offended in the slightest, and Soobin really can’t be mad at him. Not when he smiles like that. 

“It’s good to know,” Yeonjun says, “Because I love you too even when you act dumb and fall for all the stupid things I say.”

“I love you,” Soobin repeats, and Yeonjun's expression morphs into something more serious, yet soft still. 

“What time is it?” He asks, catching Soobin by surprise, and it takes him a second to remember he’s wearing a watch. 

“Ah, it's quarter to twelve.”

“Then ask me again in fifteen minutes,” Yeonjun says, voice almost a whisper. This time, Soobin gets Yeonjun’s idea right away, making him chuckle. It would be another day, and in theory no longer Eunji’s wedding. 

Soobin is about to tell Yeonjun to keep on dancing, when both of their phones ring multiple times. Soobin checks and there is a series of notifications, all messages, on his lock screen.

Beomgyu created a group chat and added the five of them. It is named “love you hyungs” followed by text emojis that are without a doubt Kai’s contribution. 

Beomgyu sent a selfie, he’s in the middle of Kai and Taehyun. There are no red rimmed eyes on sight, and to confirm it Taehyun wrote we’re okay, and Soobin sighs in relief. 

More than okay, says Beomgyu following text, and it makes Soobin sigh again, this time from annoyance. 

“He’s so stupid,” Yeonjun mumbles by his side, and Soobin really can’t defend him. 

Sorry for making you worry and thank you for all you did, says Kai text. But please don’t ask any questions because it’s already embarrassing enough, added Taehyun. Soobin-hyung will ask anyway, he’s annoying like that, says the last message and it’s obviously from Beomgyu. 

Soobin scoffs, and Yeonjun laughs, “Don’t get mad, he’s right.” 

He ignores Beomgyu’s text and writes we’re glad you’re fine. He will have time to kick Beomgyu’s ass before —certainly— asking him about the whole thing. 

“Come here,” Yeonjun says, opening the camera option to send them a picture. As Beomgyu said, they look good together, and it makes Soobin feel stupidly bubbly. He’s about to comment it to Yeonjun, just to make him feel giddy too, but once again he doesn’t have the opportunity to say what he wanted to say, interrupted by Yeonjun this time.

“It’s midnight!” He exclaims, making Soobin jump. 

“Okay, okay,” Soobin gushes, making Yeonjun laugh, and to make him laugh some more, he calls his full name, “Choi Yeonjun, do you want to be my boyfriend?”

And he not only laughs, but his cheeks turn red, affected by Soobin silly formality. 

He nods eagerly before answering, “Of course, Choi Soobin.”

And they’re without a doubt dumb, but so in love that Soobin really doesn’t care. 

Because love is a simple thing; is the smiley kiss Yeonjun gives him, it’s his laugh that he can’t contain because he must be thinking the same thing as Soobin. They changed so much, grew so much, yet Soobin hopes this never does. This love that they couldn’t leave behind, that they kept carefully saved and that was never hard nor complicated. It’s a flash, a glint of sudden and deep certainty, but Soobin knows it won’t. 

This love that feels right, as right as Yeonjun’s fingers between his own.