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“Alright guys, you know what time it is!” The Legendary (or so he says) Star-Lord addressed his gathered crew.
“It is 12:30!” Drax yelled triumphantly.
“It’s supply run time!”
“LIAR!” He glared at the clock in betrayal, smashing it with his fist in righteous retribution.
“Ooookay I’m adding ‘a new clock’ to the supply list. Anyways I’ve come up with a brilliant idea to make sure all our tasks get done in a fair and equal manner.”
“Oh boy,” Rocket muttered. All he wanted to do was go to the weapons market, not deal with whatever new nonsense his captain had come up with, was that too much to ask?
“BEHOLD! The Wheel.” Quill swept his hand in front of the haphazardly constructed wheel like he was showing off a shiny new luxury spaceship. It had been separated into eight sections, each occupied with a crude drawing of one of the Guardians’ faces. “I’ll go down the list of what we need and The Wheel shall decide who will get it! So first up: groceries.”
He gave The Wheel a hefty spin, and they watched as it twirled around in a colorful, hypnotic swirl. Slowly, slowly, it came to a stop on a green tile.
“Congratulations, Gamora! You’re our lucky winner!” he pointed at her jubilantly.
“Hurray,” she deadpanned.
“Next on the list: toiletries.” He eagerly made to spin The Wheel again, only for this simple joy to be rudely interrupted.
“I need to run an errand,” Yondu gruffed out, standing abruptly from his seat. The former Captain of the Ravagers had been in a mood ever since his Yaka arrow had been damaged in an altercation the Guardians had gotten into a few rotations prior. And now he wasn’t exactly used to taking orders, not from a wheel and certainly not from Quill of all people.
“Ok sure, we’ll-”
“I’m taking Rocket with me,” he said over his shoulder as he walked out of the room.
Quill looked at Rocket in confusion, expecting him to provide some further explanation. He only offered a dry shrug before hopping out of his chair and trailing behind Yondu.
“But… The Wheel.” Quill muttered sullenly. He had spent three days putting that wheel together out of spare parts and duct tape. Three days…
“I would still like The Wheel to be spun,” Mantis said tentatively.
He was immediately reinvigorated, “That’s the spirit, Mantis!” He spun The Wheel again and what do you know, it happened to land on the tile displaying Mantis’ face. “You’ll be getting our toiletries!”
“YAY I WON!” she shrieked, jumping up and down like she’d been given a million unit prize.
“So what’re we doin’?” Rocket asked, hands slouched in the pockets of his jumpsuit as he strolled alongside Yondu.
Yondu didn’t stop or look at him, continuing to stride ahead as he spoke, “This planet’s s’pose to be gettin’ a drop of Lagugus today, and we’re gonna get ‘em.”
He scratched at his ear, “Yeah, so either my universal translator is flarked, or you just spoke complete nonsense.”
“Lagugus!” he barked out. “They’re collectors items, folks’ll pay thousands of units for them!”
“ Thousands? ” Now Rocket’s interest was piqued, even if he still had no idea what the hell a Lagugu was.
“That’s right. But we gotta get to ‘em first, before the others .”
“What others- oh.”
A bright flashy sign identified the store as ‘Galactic Treasures’. A mile long line snaked out in front of it like a river. People of every shape and size from every planet you could think of were all lined up for a frickin’ Lagugu. Tents sprung up like mushrooms all throughout the line, and some people had brought chairs to sit in, others umbrellas to protect them from the heat. One group had even set up a barbecue. It smelled pretty good.
Rocket turned around, “Well we tried. You wanna see the weapons market? There’s supposed to be an auto-reload cannon I’m just dyin’ to get my hands on-ah!” Yondu grabbed him by the collar and yanked him back, which earned him a beleaguered stare. “Why?”
“We ain’t standin’ in line, ya fool! Why d’ya think I brought you with? We’re breakin’ into that there store before they open.”
“Hm.” Rocket squinted towards the building, his tactical brain already at work analyzing for entry points and possible security measures. “Okay. I can work with this.”
They bypassed the line, not a single person even sparing them a glance, their sights laser-focused on the front doors and the ‘Countdown to Opening’ sign. Rocket darted ahead, eyes scanning along the wall. “There.” He pointed up towards a narrow, horizontal window near the edge of the roof. “That’s our entrance. Well, my entrance. Your fat butt ain’t makin’ it through there. How big’re these Lagugu things anyway?”
“Small. Could fit one in my pocket,” Yondu gestured with his hands to approximate the size.
“Alright. Could probably toss ‘em out the window then. Or find another exit.”
“Nah that’ll do. I brought a bag,” he procured a burlap sack from within his red coat, and Rocket nodded his approval. He was used to working with bags as a former bounty hunter. He scaled his way up to the window, claws finding every nook and cranny in the building’s roughly textured exterior. He pulled a laser drill from one of the pouches on his belt and got to work. Yondu kept a lookout down below.
“While yer in there, see if you can find the Crystal Lagugu! There’s one in each drop. It’s rare and will sell for more!”
“Find the Crystal Lagamoo, got it,” he affirmed distractedly.
Before long Rocket had made his way inside, and soon after that Lagugus began raining down from above. As though he were in some kind of video game, Yondu dashed back and forth, catching Lagugus in the burlap sack before they could hit the ground. “Careful in there! Don’t damage the merchandise!” he whisper-yelled up at him.
“What are you doing?”
Startled, he looked down beside him to see that in his distraction catching the Lagugus, he’d failed to keep a lookout and the most terrifying entity had approached him.
A small child.
He scowled, “Nothin’. Scram.”
The child’s beady little eyes stared accusingly at him from behind a pair of glasses, “You’re stealing Lagugus. Very clever, recruiting a ferret to help you break into the building.”
“Don’t go pokin’ yer nose in what ain’t your business! Now go run home to your mommy before I eat ya.” He didn’t know what this kid’s deal was, but he figured he might as well pull out ole’ reliable. It always worked on Quill.
“Centaurians don’t eat people,” the kid said, rolling his beady eyes in irritation. “I’m young. Not stupid .”
Rocket poked his head out the window, “Hey, how full’s the bag? Halfway? 75%?”
Ignoring the child, Yondu checked the bag, “It’s ‘bout full.”
“‘Kay.” Rocket dropped down, landing in a crouch. In one hand he held an object of immense interest.
The kid gasped with excitement, “You got the Crystal Lagugu! I’ll give you 5,500 units for it.” He pulled out a tablet, tapping on it.
Metaphorical dollar signs flared to life in Rocket’s eyes, but before he could accept-
“No deal,” Yondu said firmly, frowning.
“What!?!” Rocket’s voice pitched up, flabbergasted by the rejection of such a payout.
The kid pouted, “I’m offering you a more than acceptable price! 5,000 is the base price on the black market! You think you’ll find someone foolish enough to go higher? Sell it to me or else!”
Yondu snapped, “It ain’t for sale, get lost, kid!”
Rocket looked quite frankly shocked and appalled, both at the fact that people would throw away so many units on something so stupid, and also that Yondu was refusing to let someone throw away so many units on something stupid. “You seriously gonna turn down 5,500 units for this ugly flarkin’ thing!?” In his paw he waved around a doll that looked like some sort of fuzzy sea monster with a big toothy grin. Unlike most Lagugus, whose fuzz was a matte color, this one was sparkly .
“Yes.”
“Big mistake,” the kid muttered, a pinging sound emitting from his tablet. Thousands of pings answered from somewhere nearby. They rang sharply in the silence as the crowd had collectively ceased their murmuring.
Then, as if they were a single mass, the line moved.
A betentacled alien near the front pointed every one of his appendages towards Rocket. “THAT BEAVER HAS A CRYSTAL LAGUGU!!” he screeched.
Someone else popped out of the crowd, shrieking, “ GET IT!!!!!!! ”
Standing before the feral horde, it was at that moment that Rocket knew. They were flarked. “Oh crap.”
“Run boy, run! ” Yondu shouted as the stampede converged towards them, and they took off running for their lives.
“WHAT THE FLARK IS WITH THESE PEOPLE!?” Rocket dropped to all fours in order to stay ahead of his longer-legged pursuers.
“I told you folks would pay thousands for Lagugus!” Yondu gasped out. “And they’d do a whole lot more to get one for free!”
“AFTER THEM!” The ground trembled before the horde as they chased the two thieves, barbecues and comfortable lawn chairs long forgotten in front of the Galactic Treasures store. There was only one singular goal now: to be the one who claims the Crystal Lagugu.
“I got a plan! Follow me!” Rocket took off down a wide street, Yondu right on his heels.
Pedestrians watched the scene in fascination and terror, and had they been familiar with Terran customs, may have likened it to the Running of the Bulls. Rocket took them in a zig zag, dodging and weaving between buildings, market stalls, and planters full of multicolor flowers to try and put distance between them and the mob. But no matter where they went, or how far ahead they got, the horde hunted them down. Quite literally actually. Nets and bolas were thrown to try and snare them, and a spear even whizzed past their heads at one point. Who stands in line with a spear?
“I’m getting too old for this,” Yondu wheezed, regretting many of his life choices.
Nearby, Kraglin stood with Baby Groot at an ice cream vendor. He’d already finished his Wheel assigned task of getting more fuel for the ship, and now he had plant-sitting duty. “So which other flavor do you want?” he repeated.
“I am Groot.” He pointed.
Distress was apparent on the former Ravager’s face. “They’re out of starberry! I told you five times! Pick a different flavor!”
“I am Groot.” Refusing to let material reality stop him, he insisted on starberry once again.
“No! I told ya there is no starberry!” Kraglin put his face in his hands, exasperated.
“I am Groot!” Groot’s eyes widened with joy when he saw his father run past. He tried to call out to him so he could come put some sense into Kraglin, but Rocket couldn’t hear him over the thundering of hundreds of feet and the deranged shouts of ‘GIVE ME THE LAGUGU!’.
Kraglin lifted his head, totally oblivious to what was going on behind him, but perplexed by the tremor he had felt. “Huh. I didn’t think this planet had quakes.”
“I am Groot,” Groot muttered.
Finally, Rocket lead them into the weapons market, whose patrons immediately shouted and scattered lest they become trampled by the Lagugu-crazed lunatics.
His eyes zipped back and forth, searching for…
And bingo!
There she was. The Auto-Reload Cannon 3000, what a beauty. He jumped up onto the table where she was displayed, and he lifted her into his arms, running a hand along the shiny chrome finish. “Hello gorgeous, I’ve been wanting to see you all day,” he crooned.
Yondu, who was catching his breath beside him, was thoroughly unamused. “This had better be part of the plan, Rat, ‘cause I will not have my final moments be watchin’ you flirt with a gun.”
Seemingly annoyed by the reminder of their current predicament, Rocket grumbled, “Yeah, yeah, I’m getting to that.” He opened the chamber of the cannon, only to be met with an inscription on the inside that read: Ammo sold separately! :)
The smiley face added insult to injury.
Fury burned in the red of his eyes. He fixed Yondu with a flat stare. “Gimme the bag.”
“What why?”
“Just do it.”
The crowd quickly caught up to them, somehow having acquired even more spears. The street the weapons market was on was much more narrow, so they were forced to be funneled into a thinner line. They pushed against each other, complaining and grumbling as they each tried to get closer to their prize. An irate, oddly dressed man with white hair shoved his way through the throngs of people. “Out of my way you simpletons! Don’t you know who I am?” After pushing his way to the front, he demanded, “Where is the Crystal Lagugu?” His eyes flared, recognizing Rocket from their ill-fated encounter on Knowhere. “ You .”
“Are you frickin’ kidding me? Even the Collector is here? You went from infinity stones to this scut?” Rocket asked in disbelief.
He sneered, “I don’t have to explain anything to you , rodent! I will have every color of the Crystal Lagugus, and you won’t stand in my way!” He loomed over him, attempting to use his height as an intimidation tactic.
His lip peeled back to show his sharp teeth, not intimidated in the slightest, “Fine, you want a Flabooboo so flarking bad? Here ya go .”
FOOMP!
A high-speed, surprisingly aerodynamic Lagugu was shot from the Auto-Reload Cannon 3000 directly into the Collector’s face, whereupon it smacked him in the forehead and knocked him out cold. He flipped over and fell pathetically to the ground, legs sticking up awkwardly.
“ Who else wants one?! ” Rocket snarled gleefully to the crowd, finally having fun for the first time all day.
“ME! I DO!” They clamored, surging forward, their greed blinding them to what was about to happen.
FOOMP!
Lagugus shot through the air like colorful, fuzzy missiles, striking each person in the head and knocking them to the ground. More ran forward to take the place of the fallen, spears raised in hostility, only for them to also take a Lagugu to the face. They collapsed dramatically, crashing into each other with limbs flailing. One by one the crowd was whittled down by Rocket’s impeccable aim, his delighted cackling a backing track to the utter chaos. Whether accidentally or on purpose, though knowing Rocket it was likely on purpose, one Lagugu hit a stall that was selling explosives.
A fiery orange explosion burst forth, setting off a chain reaction of even more explosions, knocking the horde back with the force. The light reflected in Yondu’s eyes as he watched with a kind of resigned pride, because of course weapons expert and gun enthusiast Rocket would find a way to weaponize a collectable toy. Quite impressive.
From a ways away Quill and Gamora were exiting another market, the kind you’d go to for food and not weapons. They had been split up initially as per the will of The Wheel, but Quill had ‘coincidentally’ crossed paths with her once he’d finished his shopping. This was most certainly also the will of The Wheel and totally, definitely not pre-planned in any way on his part. The two were engrossed in conversation when their attention was caught by the shouting and explosions and clouds of dust in the distance. “Huh, looks like there’s some kinda ruckus going on over there,” Quill remarked.
“Do you think it’s Rocket and Yondu?” wondered Gamora.
“Probably.”
“Should we help them?”
“Hm.” he put a hand to his chin, processing the cacophony he was witnessing. “I think this looks like a Level 5 Ruckus. They’ll be fine. We’ll step in if it blows up to a Level 8 Ruckus.”
She tilted her head thoughtfully before nodding, satisfied with this conclusion. “Seems reasonable.”
His expression turned bashful, “Hey so if you’ve got nothing else going on right now… would you wanna come look at clocks with me?”
She gave a small smile, “Sure. I’d like that.”
Across town fires snapped and crackled. Smoke rose into the air. Unconscious bodies littered the floor, each sporting a Lagugu-sized welt on their head. Rocket and Yondu were cornered by the survivors of the onslaught, who had to be either the strongest or most psychotic among the Lagugu fans. They shambled forward like zombies, still deadset on their goal. “Give me the Crystal Lagugu!” they seethed, exhausted, but spurred on nonetheless.
“So,” Yondu started, “what’s next in this plan of yours?”
“Distract them. I need a sec,” Rocket holstered the empty cannon to his back, because he was definitely taking her with him, then turned around to work on… something.
Yondu was left to face the mob.
He clapped his hands together, putting on a strained smile, “Well hey there everyone! Now I know y’all are none too happy right now, but I have good news! There’s uh, a new Lagugu comin’ out!”
This caught their attention and they halted their approach.
“Yeah, the rumors say that it uh… IT’S GONNA TALK!”
There was a collective gasp.
“What’s it gonna say?” someone asked.
He spread his hands out exuberantly, trying to embody the showmanship with which Quill had shown off his custom made wheel earlier that day. “Why it’s… it’s whatever you want! It’s custom. Have it break up with someone for you or announce a death in the family! The possibilities are endless!”
“If I were to die I would like the news of it to be delivered to my family via Lagugu,” a thin, lanky alien mused.
Before Yondu could dwell on that statement, Rocket jumped up and grabbed onto his shoulder. “Heads up!” He tossed the very last Lagugu into the remains of the crowd and all hell broke loose as they scrambled to grab it. “Back away slowly, and get ready to run,” he whispered.
“Ha ha! It’s mine!” A buff, four-armed alien declared, holding his prize aloft.
Beep beep beep.
The Lagugu’s eyes blinked red, and a soft beeping emitted from within it. “Huh?” Its owner stared down at it in confusion. Lagugus weren’t supposed to beep and they weren’t supposed to have blinking red eyes. If they were he would’ve already known about it and bought several.
Beepbeepbeepbeepbeep .
Realization poured down on him like cold water. “IT’S GONNA BLOW!” He dropped the toy, dashing to duck and cover. The rest followed suit, taking shelter behind boxes or booths or in one guy’s case, the sewer.
With one last toothy smile to the world, the Lagugu exploded, leaving behind a colorful cloud of smoke that covered Yondu and Rocket’s getaway.
Back on the Benatar , Groot was sourly eating a cone of pistchahion ice cream, which was NOT the flavor he wanted, and Mantis was showing everyone the totally super cool toilet paper she had picked out. “It has a quilted texture and three whole plys!” She held it up for admiration.
Drax took a roll, giving it an experimental squeeze, “This should suffice. Well done.”
“Yay!” she cheered.
Yondu slumped in a chair off to the side, his grumpy mood not at all improved by Mantis’ phenomenal toilet paper purchase. Nor was it improved by the discovery that that smarmy little anklebiter had stayed behind to buy the remaining Lagugus at Galactic Treasures and was now selling them on the black market for absurd prices.
Rocket ambled over to stand beside him, thumbs hooked into his pockets. “Shame we didn’t get any Lagoombas. All those units we could’ve made…” he shook his head disappointedly.
“Mmh,” Yondu grunted.
“Well, at least I managed to smuggle out this one.” From within one of the pouches belted at his hip he procured the Crystal Lagugu. A grin hid in the corner of his mouth as he watched Yondu take it from his hands. The man seemed to stare at it in disbelief, eyes wide.
“How’d you-”
“So… how much you gonna sell it for?” he asked, a smug, knowing smirk on his face.
He tucked the toy away into the inner pocket of his coat, scoffing, “None of your business, Rat.”
“Uh huh.” He strolled away, but not before glibly adding, “It’s gonna look nice with those other trinkets in your room.”