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When Jackie says Shauna's name, it's like a benediction.
Even just a casual 'Shipman!' would have the devil curled over and begging for mercy. And that's just fine. Shauna can cope.
She's lived her whole life in Jackie's shadow. Being hopelessly in love with the girl is just one more pathetic thing to add to her sorry pile.
She walks down the street, hands in her pockets and avoiding eye contact with everyone that passes. Most are keeping their heads down too, a few jostling with friends or listening to music and humming aloud.
She's shivering from the cold, regretting forgoing her mom's ask for her to wear her jacket to school. She doesn't want to be associated with the Yellowjackets right now. There's so many other things going on that she can't cope with it.
Shauna doesn't even like soccer, not really. It's just kicking a ball around in the dirt and shouting a lot. It's bruised knees and muddy socks and Jackie's approval. Really, who is she without soccer? Without Jackie?
Nothing.
She's never been anything without Jackie since she was five. She's still nothing more than a gaywad hopelessly pining for her best friend who probably doesn't even like her let alone love her back.
Shauna kicks a pebble across the street, scuffing her shoe. She feels nothing but a deep tugging in the pit of her stomach, dragging her organs downwards, a vice like grip on her heart and lungs.
Stupid. It's all so stupid.
"Shauna!"
Shauna doesn't want to turn around. She should keep walking. She should start to run. Home is so close. Home is so, so close.
Jackie runs up behind her, swinging her arms around Shauna's waist and pulling her back into a hug.
"Hey, honey," she says.
Shauna wants to leans back and breathe in Jackie's scent, feel every inch of them pressed up together, learn every freckle on Jackie's body and feel every one of her curves.
She doesn't.
"Hey," Shauna says. "What are you doing here? I thought you were with Jeff."
Jackie lets go of Shauna and jumps in front of her, stopping Shauna in her tracks.
"I have news," Jackie says brightly with that smile on her face that's so pretty Shauna wants to kiss it or take a picture and frame it and keep it above her bed so she can look at it every night before bed.
"Go on," she says.
"I broke up with Jeff."
Shauna frowns. "What happened to him being your first everything? You've been together for three years, Jackie!"
Jackie shrugs. "He just wasn't hitting the spot."
Shauna raises her eyebrows and Jackie cackles.
"Oh my God, Shipman, not like that! Don't worry, I wouldn't lose my virginity without telling you."
Shauna lets out a breath of relief and resumes walking again. It's selfish and useless because Jackie's just going to find some other guy and fall in love with him and they're going to get married and have children and a life in the countryside and Shauna's still going to be here, married to a guy she doesn't even like with a child she hates and a house in the goddamn suburbs and—
"Hey," Jackie says. "You good?"
Shauna nods a little too quickly to be believable. "Yeah. Are you?"
"I'm great!" Jackie says, starting to walk alongside Shauna, linking their arms as they go. "Jeff was such a loser anyway. I'm glad to be rid of him."
Privately, Shauna thinks that's not a very nice thing to say about anyone but especially not about the guy whom you just dumped after three years, but it's Jackie and Jackie is brazen and bold and doesn't always think about these things before she speaks and it's part of her and Shauna loves every part of her. Even the uglier bits.
"So have you found someone else?" Shauna asks.
Jackie looks at her with that look in her eyes that she gets sometimes that Shauna can never decipher. It's soft and kind and… something else that Shauna can't place for the life of her.
"Yeah," Jackie says, nodding almost shyly, or as shyly as Jackie Taylor gets.
"Who is he?" Shauna asks.
"Nope!" Jackie says. "You don't get to know."
Shauna wrinkles her nose. "But I'm your best friend. You tell me everything."
Jackie considers it for a second. "How about this? I'll tell you when you come over to my house."
"When am I coming over?" Shauna hates how eager she sounds. She hates how loathsome and desperate she is. She hates everything about herself and she hates Jackie for making her feel this way.
"Right now," Jackie says, dragging her across the street and turning a corner so they can start the walk to Jackie's.
"Alright, so long as I'm home by curfew," Shauna says, giving up easily. She can never deny Jackie anything.
Jackie nods seriously. "Of course. I'd never let you get in trouble."
Shauna thinks of just the other day when Jackie insisted Jeff drop her off at her house first instead of Shauna's but doesn't bring it up. Jackie didn't mean anything malicious by it, she knows that. Besides, there was also the thousands of times Jackie had taken the blame for her being late with Shauna's mom, who just adored Jackie and always forgave them both if Jackie was the one apologising.
They arrive at Jackie's house and Jackie's parents are out again so they go upstairs straight away, giggling to each other as they nearly trip over their toes in their haste.
"So, tell me," Shauna says as soon as the door's shut. "Who is it?"
Jackie sits down on her bed and pats the space next to her. Shauna sits.
Jackie looks down at the ground, twisting her hands in her lap.
"It's someone in our year," she says.
Shauna pouts. "Oh, that could be anyone! Just tell me."
Jackie, for the first time ever, looks nervous. Shauna's getting worried now.
"It's not Randy, is it?" Shauna asks.
"Why, do you like him? Because I'd never like someone you liked."
"What? No!" Shauna doesn't try to hide her repulsion at the mention of Randy Walsh. The guy's awful. He's lazy and cheesy and Shauna can't stand him.
"Oh, good," Jackie says. Shauna's horrified.
"So it is Randy?"
"God no," Jackie assures her. "I've not gone that far off the deep end. It's um… not my usual type."
"A brunet?" Shauna asks. As far as she knows, Jackie's only dated blondes because Jackie has only dated Jeff. Does that constitute as a type?
"No," Jackie says, sounding exasperated. "Shauna, it's a girl."
Shauna can't breathe. It's bad enough that Jackie will never like her but Jackie not liking her and still being into girls? That's even worse.
"Oh," she says, trying to sound enthusiastic so that Jackie doesn't shove herself back into the closet. "So you're…"
"A raging dyke?" Jackie says, huffing. "Yeah. That's me."
"Jax, that's okay," Shauna reassures her. "You're still my best friend. Always."
"That's the problem," Jackie says. "I like you, Shauna. I love you."
Shauna really can't breathe this time. Her chest is tight and painful and she starts heaving for air, doubling over and sucking in gasping breaths.
"Oh my God!" Jackie exclaims, standing up and crouching beside Shauna, trying to catch her eye. "Have I killed you? What's happening?"
"Panic attack," Shauna manages to say through shuddering breaths.
Jackie looks hurt. "My love makes you have a panic attack?"
Shauna shoots her a look that she hopes construes that this is not the time. Jackie seems to get it because she rests a hand on Shauna's knee, a firm, guiding pressure.
"Breathing," Jackie says as if thinking aloud. "You've got to breathe, honey. Come on. In and out. Copy me."
Jackie breathes loud and exaggerated, taking Shauna's hand and pressing it to her chest above her heartbeat. Shauna copies her, taking in long, deep breaths when she can and letting them out shakily.
"Good," Jackie says. "You're doing so good."
Shauna nods. After a few minutes, she's back to pretty much normal. Her whole body's tingling but she's not panting anymore. That was embarrassing.
"I'm so sorry," Jackie says. "I shouldn't have said anything."
"Jackie—"
"I should have kept my mouth shut. God, why do I always do this?"
"Jackie, be quiet!" Shauna snaps. Jackie's mouth falls shut. She looks up at Shauna with such a heartbroken look that all Shauna can do is kiss her.
Jackie's lips are soft and a little cold from the breeze outside and her face, which Shauna is cradling, is the smoothest, most supple thing Shauna's ever felt. She feels like she's in Heaven when Jackie kisses back.
Jackie's hands fly up to hold Shauna's against her skin and she lets out a puff of air against Shauna's lips, a gentle sigh of disbelief and contentment.
Shauna pulls back, leaving inches between them.
"What was that?" Jackie asks, breathless.
"I love you too," Shauna blurts out. "So fucking much."
Jackie's eyes well with tears and she laughs joyfully and a little wetly.
"Okay," she says. "Okay, great."
And she kisses Shauna again.