Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

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New beginnings—.That's what you call them, right? Then maybe that means I get a second chance at life. Perhaps I can love her, just me and her.

Today would be difficult or at least that's what I tell myself.

-

One day until everything changes, one day until I'm back in school and I have to face everyone again. And I'd get to see her again. The mask that hid his her face's beauty was everything I aspired to have close to me.

..That’s not the way to think. It’s immoral and lewd!

​†
1 John 2:16
For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.
​†

I will rid myself of these thoughts, tomorrow I'll be better. I will follow the path the lord has paved for me.

I hadn't planned on going to open house the day before so I would have to get my sheet of classes when I go to the building tomorrow. Maybe I'll even make some friends, there's gotta be at least a few new transfers this year… Yeah friends, just like my mom used to tell me. That’s when I heard her, my sweet little sister.

“ Travy, can you hug me before I have to go.. I’m so scared what if they don’t like me…” She looked up at me with these big eyes that made me wanna cry. I brought her into a tight embrace that I never wanted to let go of, in all the time I have I wanted to use it for her so she could have the life I’ve craved.

I ran my fingers through her untamed hair, “They'll love you just be yourself.” I couldn't help but laugh a little, who wouldn't like her?

She looked just like Dad the way we were meant to look normal. Father would have chosen a different woman but my mother's family's connections seemed to say they're lineage didn't matter, that's why I look so unholy.

“ What was that?- I wait!..” She said something I couldn't catch just before she ran off to get ready for boarding school.

I almost felt bad for her but at least Mary would be there for her, the eldest child, the child prodigy. It's not like I was jealous, no! I'd never be jealous…

This is just a new beginning.

Tomorrow I'll be good.

Happy.

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—

Chapter Text

The alarm was blaring. The blonde's ears rang, and his eyelids felt heavy, like something was holding them down. He sighed, pulling himself up from the bed, looking down as he rubbed his eyes.

Suddenly he then slammed his fist on his alarm, turning it off immediately. Glancing at the small amount of light coming from the window in his room, they couldn't afford to have lights in every room. You'd think you'd make a lot of money as a pastor but most of the money they got was from donations.

Travis stood in front of his mirror in nothing but his boxers scrutinizing the body that stood in front of him. The fat on his forearms made him uncomfortable; he just wanted to rip off his skin. Only girls feel this way about their body; he wasn't a girl.

Travis grabbed the blue sweater that was lying on his bed. It was gonna be 70° out too hot but he didn't have any short-sleeved shirts that were clean so he would have to deal with it for now. Pulling it over his head and then the pair of khaki shorts.

The hunger in his stomach made him feel sick he would not indulge in such gluttony! He would have to wait until dinner to eat after all he had eaten too much the day prior… today he'd walk just as a punishment.

~

For some reason it hurt to walk, maybe he was just getting lazy, well it could be for the fact that his face planted when going down the basement steps. Just when he got to the school building it was time to go in! What lucky timing… Maybe the universe was on his side for once the new freshmen seemed sweet. Maybe they hadn't heard about him and his reputation already and he could actually make friends this year!

That's when he saw those big blue eyes that made his heart flutter. He remembers the first day he ever saw him.

-Travis’s thoughts;
I was in the bathroom washing my face and he came out of a stall. I thought he was a girl and told him to get out. Turns out looks can be deceiving because I screamed when I heard his voice.
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I am in a terrible mix of emotions when I should be paying attention to math. What is love, really? I mean, ever since I was little, I experienced it from my mother. But now it's the way I feel. What is it that I am feeling right now when I stare at her? Yes. Her, not him.. I mean, she's basically a girl, right?

It feels like love, but it's not the way I should feel. It's wrong, it's not right. It goes against God's will. According to my father, "It is blasphemy and you shouldn't be straying away from God's intended path for you." I know I should never question my father in this kind of way, and he'd kill me if he found out about the strange thing I've felt for this flawless, blue-haired girl. I would never dare challenge my father's ideals, knowing that he would never tolerate this at all..

God, this is so wrong.. However, my thoughts are disturbed by an old, cranky woman who looks like she should be in a coffin by now,

"Excuse me, Mr. Fisher."

"Sal, wake up!” Sal seems to have fallen asleep during the test. How is he not failing?

"Huh?" Sal mumbled in his angelic voice that made my stomach feel uncomfortable.

" That doesn't look like math to me." The teacher picked favorites but wouldn't go easy on them; she was on everyone's ass all the time. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a retard.

" Oh, sorry I must have dozed off. I already finished the test." Of course, he did, he always finishes it in what feels like seconds when I can't even get past the first question!

" I know, dear. You aced it as well, very good. Just try to stay awake for the remainder of class, okay?"
" Sure, it won't happen again." That's what he always fucking says.

" And Mr. Phelps. Eyes on your paper.” I let out a scoff. I can't stand her!

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Later that day, after school
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I couldn't even complete that ridiculous test! I had five questions left… The thought of failing and disappointing my father made me so nervous.. He's gonna kill me. To make things worse, I heard the most aggravating voice imaginable. It was Larry. Johnson.

Sal's loyal guard dog and Sal himself were walking right behind him. I couldn't believe my bad luck—why did they have to be walking home today? Wasn't it already hard enough that they seemed to have everything I longed for?

Larry noticed Travis and yelled, "Hey, Phelps!"
The only thing I can do is to block out their voices. I felt like I was gonna cry. I couldn't breathe. It was like the air had been stolen from my lungs.

"Come on, church boy, aren't you a tough guy? Or are you just a wussy who can't hold up to his word!"

Sal whispered something to that transsexual, “That's absolutely wicked, dude!” Larry hit the back of the bluenettes head.

I quickened my pace and finally got away from them in a couple of minutes.
I can't help but admire Sal for his bold look, but not in a gay way, right...?
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Finally getting home. _________________________________________

Travis opened the creaky front door of the house, closing it as quietly as he could. It was Tuesday, so his father would be home about now, so he couldn't be too loud. Today is going to be fine, everything will be okay.

Why would you ever think that?

Travis went up to his room and started writing. It was the only thing keeping him sane at this point.

" September 10th, 1995-

Today I saw him, or was it? I don't know what he is since he dresses like a girl sometimes, which I don't mind. Sometimes I wonder if what I feel for him is remorse because I know I can't be in love with him-it's against what's right, God's will.
I've always wanted to know what it feels like to be in love with someone; maybe I'll find out one day."

Leviticus 18:22- "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination."

" I will remember that forever”

I am normal.

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Chapter Text

Steps to getting a girlfriend :

I asked Larry, which wasn't the best idea, but he's dated more girls than I have, so I just had to know.

“How do you ask a girl out?”

1. Know the girl's name

2. Become her friend(don’t come on too strong)

3. Compliment her
4. Go for it?
5. Be confident and confess your undying love 

Being honest I wrote that last one myself,

—

It's been a few years since the first time Ash and I met in Todd's Apartment–I’m pretty sure she was the first girl who hadn't gagged when she first came into my presence. I can’t help but be grateful to be in her presence, she’s changed me for the better.

Her name

Check!

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Ashley and I started hanging out almost three years ago when I first moved here I even got to meet her family. Is three years truly enough to be friends? I hope so… Honestly, I don't know what our relationship is because when I'm with her it feels like I don't even need air. She is the air in my lungs—no she's even better than that. If she were a goddess I'd become religious in a millisecond.

I think the completion of our friendship was when we cuddled once during a sleepover, and she knows I love touch, so it's just gotta be true! I know it…

We're friends

Become her friend(come off strong?)

Check?

__

She put on her eyeliner so cleanly I wish I could pull off makeup like that. Maybe if I could, more people would actually like me. I'm just holding her back.

Before I even knew I was speaking, “ You know, you're like the prettiest girl I have ever met… It drives me crazy knowing a guy hasn't asked you out yet. I-I mean unless!” I let out a small laugh knowing I made a fool of myself in front of Ashley.

“ Oh, um—really? I mean thanks, you're pretty too!” She was so nonchalant about it, if I were her I’d never talk to a loser like me.

The tension felt so thick, like I could barely breathe so I just started rambling to her, “ So I was thinking maybe we could go watch a movie together, or we could just do whatever you want! I saw this trailer for a really cool movie about zombies and I thought ‘Wow Ash would love this!’” 

She made eye contact with me in the mirror before responding, “ Yeah that'd be cool dude? What day sounds good to you?” 

“ Um, maybe next Tuesday after school?” A smile grew on my face, I couldn't help it! This would be just like a date and I'd make it perfect, if she's scared she can snuggle up against me… it'll be so cute.

Compliment her

Check.

__

Tuesday was here and I was ready for anything, the worst she could say was no? Right, not like I could ruin our entire friendship… Was I underdressed? I don't know, I hope she thinks I look good.

The knock on the door was excruciatingly loud. She was here! I rushed over—almost tripping over my own feet. I slowly opened the door, and she was gorgeous. I looked from her emerald eyes down to the scuffed black boots she was wearing.

“ Um, uh—hi Ash! Come in… I just have to grab something then we can go!” I stepped to the side making room for her.

She took a few steps inside and closed the door behind her and spoke softly, “ Yeah that's fine. You know I really don't mind waiting that's why I told you I'd come early. “

I walked out of the room mumbling a short, “I'll be right back,” and opened my room door to find the bouquet I had bought for her. 

Yellow roses,

I rushed out of my room holding the flowers, my face was beet-red as I spoke, “Ashley I have been needing to tell you something…” I paused catching my breath, “ I can't stop thinking about you—it drives me crazy. You're so pretty and cool I would want nothing more than to be your boyfriend. You're all I have ever wanted.” I was too flustered to even notice the horrified look that spread across her face.

“ I—umm.. Sal this is a lot to take in… You're a great friend and all-” 

“ So does this mean you'll be my girlfriend?” I cut her off I was too excited in the moment. 

I needed her.

“ I guess,”

That was all I needed to hear from her lips.

Be confident and confess your undying love

Check.

__