Archive of Our Own ^beta

REVACHOL WEST - The summer bears down hot and humid on Revachol, but the nights are cooler by twenty degrees. Once the sun sets, the mist rolls in off the bay, choking up the streets of the city. It’s enormously difficult to drive before noon, when the fog finally burns off. 

PRECINCT 41 - At Precinct 41, in the old silk mill standing sentry over Jamrock, the leaders of the Major Crimes taskforce are pacing around each other in the ring like malnourished hyenas. It is just past midnight. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Challenging: Success] - You two have just solved a case, and put a very bad man in jail. The very bad man did very bad things to people who couldn’t fight back. You try not to think about it. 

EMPATHY [Trivial: Success] - Every Friday the two of you go to the gym. Sometimes in the early evening, sometimes late like this. It is a ritual, and you cling to it.

YOU - It makes me feel like we’re friends. 

VOLITION [Formidable: Success] - You are. Things would be easier if you weren’t. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Success] - You’ve been learning each other all over again. The process has been…

PAIN THRESHOLD [Hard: Failure] - Agonizing. 

VOLITION [Hard: Success] - But worth it. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Let’s see if you’ve retained wrestling as well as you retained boxing.”

EMPATHY [Medium: Success] - There is a note of hopefulness in his voice. He wants to get one over on you, in a friendly competition kind of way. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Challenging: Success] - In spite of his size and strength, he doesn’t have the mind for boxing. He finds it too limiting, and his movements have always been too stiff to dance quite right.

YOU - “What are the rules? Don’t we need a ref?” 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Don’t you trust me?” he arches an eyebrow that reminds you eerily of Kim. “We can count ourselves. First to three falls, pins and submissions. Don’t knock me unconscious.” He thinks for a moment. “No low-blows. In case you get any ideas.”

DRAMA [Formidable: Failure] - “I never think about your dick.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He snorts in amusement. “Weird motherfucker. Just don’t do anything to me you wouldn’t want me to do to you.” 

YOU - “I can definitely work within those bounds, limiting though they may be.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Hard: Success] - We want him to do most things to us, truth be told. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Legendary: Success] - Maybe I do like him like this, he thinks. Maybe this is better than I could have ever hoped for.

EMPATHY [Medium: Success] - But…he still isn’t happy. 

INLAND EMPIRE [Formidable: Failure] - It’s okay. He never is.

YOU - “C’mon, Vic,” you goad him. “Show me what you’re made of.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - It doesn’t take much. He lunges for you, making to snatch you around the neck in an attempt to start the match off in total control. 

YOU - Meet him in the middle of the ring. You’re ready for him. You lock horns. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - You can’t tell if his gritted teeth count as a smile or not. His face is close to yours. “So you still remember how to lock up, Shitkid? Good job.” 

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Challenging: Success] - A collar and elbow tie-up is a stand-up grappling position where both combatants have a collar tie, and hold the opponent’s other arm at the elbow. This is considered to be a neutral clinch hold. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Formidable: Success] - Hey look, Brainiac is finally putting himself to work! Now, if you can shift your hand from his elbow to that impressively bulging bicep of his, you’ll gain far more control. 

HAND-EYE COORDINATION [Easy: Success] - If he lets you. He’s strong. Stronger than you, probably.

LOGIC [Challenging: Success] - You’ll have to be wily. 

INLAND EMPIRE [Heroic: Success] - A loud, smoky bingo hall appears in your mind. Men in loose pants without shirts grapple in a square ring. “The squared circle,” you remember a voice telling you. It was a man’s. A man you looked up to. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Formidable: Success] - Catch-as-catch-can wrestling is a dangerous, less-regulated form of freestyle wrestling. Developed in Vesper during the beginning of the last century, the style is characterized by almost blanket legality of holds and submissions, with little emphasis on striking.

YOU - Is that what we’re doing?

AUTHORITY [Challenging: Success] - If that’s the kind of wrestling you know, then it’s what Jean knows. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He gets his arm to your bicep first. He uses his newfound leverage to drive you into the ring corner. The turnbuckles soften your collision with the ringpost, but hardly. 

REACTION SPEED [Hard: Failure] - Can the rest of you lot shut up so he can focus?

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Challenging: Success] - Don’t let those muscles fool you—you are stronger than him.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He has one leg slotted between yours as he tries to wrestle you into what you assume is going to be a headlock. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Hard: Success] - You slam your forehead into Jean’s, and he stumbles backwards, cursing. You use the opportunity to get yourself out from the trap of the corner. 

ENDURANCE [Formidable: Success] - Get him winded so you can get the upper hand!

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He’s dazed, but he still manages to dance out of your grip. “Was that even fucking legal?”

YOU - “Amnesia. No clue.” You lunge for him again, and you lock up with him once more, the two of you grappling into a semblance of a double collar tie. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “See, I always liked wrestling with you better than the boxing,” he says. “Lot less of you punching me in the fucking face, this way.”

YOU - “I’m sorry I punched you in the face,” you say, and you mean it. “That’s definitely illegal.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - Something in his shoulders tenses. You take it as a sign he’s going to move, but you realize after a moment he’s gone rigid with…

EMPATHY [Challenging: Failure] - Anger. What happened?

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He senses your distraction. He drops down to the mat, breaking your hold. He sweeps your legs out from under you before you have a chance to react.

REACTION SPEED [Heroic: Failure] - I’m doing the best I fucking can, here! Stop thinking about emotions! His, yours, anyone’s! 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Get your head in the game, son. 

EMPATHY [Easy: Success] - That is much easier said than done. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He stands up with your ankle seized between his palms. He applies merciless torque.

[HEALTH DAMAGED -1]

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Challenging: Success] - The ankle lock is as old as ancient Perikarnassian wrestling, but it was popularized in the sport by Curtis Ankle in ‘32. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Formidable: Failure] - This fucking hurts!

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Hard: Success] - You give Jean a swift kick to the knee with your free leg, and he drops the hold for a split-second. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - But he seizes both of your legs as soon as you break free. A cruel man would use the opportunity to stomp your crotch to test how strong your cup is. Jean is not a cruel man, so he merely twists you up in a knot that eventually results in a Betancourt Crab. 

YOU - You know, it’s really cool that I know all this history about wrestling, but can we maybe think of something more practical at this particular moment?

ENCYCLOPEDIA - No :) 

YOU - Fantastic. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Heroic: Failure] - Fucking tap! Tap! Backs aren’t meant to be bent in such a fashion!

YOU - Tap six or seven times, just to make sure your point gets across. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He releases you back to the mat, then offers you a hand up. “One fall to me.” He smirks down at you.

YOU - Take the offered hand, but glare at him when you do. “Ow. I’m old, Vic. Are you trying to force me into retirement?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He laughs. “Yes, decrepit old fuck that you are, I probably shouldn’t be pushing you around. You might break a hip.” 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Medium: Success] - Don’t let him talk to you like that!

AUTHORITY [Formidable: Failure] - It’s your manhood on the line if you lose. Just remember that. 

VOLITION [Formidable: Success] - Please don’t put pressure on yourself to win a wrestling match against your healthier, fitter, ten-years-junior partner. Your bad leg cannot take it. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Hard: Success] - That’s quitter talk!

LOGIC [Easy: Success] - You MAKE US TAP OUT, and now you’re throwing around the word quitter? 

YOU - Flex your hands, stepping back to your starting position. You take a deep and bracing breath. Then you grin, and say, “Let’s fucking go.” 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Pretend I just rang the bell, then.” 

AUTHORITY [Formidable: Success] - This time, you lead. Don’t let him keep you so thoroughly on the backfoot. 

EMPATHY [Medium: Success] - Jean always has you on the backfoot, in one way or another. Even after months of getting to know him. 

YOU - Duck his arms when he tries to tie up with you. Instead, you wrap your arms around his middle. You stand up swiftly, squeezing him as hard as you can.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Challenging: Success] - This is what the oldtimers call a bear hug. It may look like a hug, but it’s a grappling cinch hold. Often used as a submission maneuver. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He tries to wrench out of your grip, but you’re holding on tight to your wrists, keeping it locked in. He pushes at your chest to no avail, and you squeeze a little harder. Your bodies are flush against each other. You can feel the hard lines of him. 

YOU - “Ah ah ah, you’re not going anywhere,” you manage, putting everything you can into keeping Jean from slipping out of your grip. You smile. “What, Vic, you don’t want a hug?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He makes a straining sound as he switches tactics. He readjusts, using as much of his own weight and force as he can to press down on your arms.  “Going to break my fucking ribs,” he manages.

YOU - “Don’t you trust me?” you repeat his line from earlier back at him, chuckling. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Challenging: Success] - There is something deeply arousing about watching him struggle to get away from you. 

YOU - I would really like to stop having these thoughts right now!

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Why? Your cup will cover up the boner, just enjoy it. Don’t you like the little sparks running up your spine? How suddenly everything seems hotter and sharper? How you can’t stop staring at his lips. 

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy: Success] - It’s okay. He’s looking at yours, too. 

YOU - Glance up, and yes, he is. He’s not struggling so hard anymore. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] - You are breathing each other’s air. Your lungs in sync for a single beautiful moment. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - And then Jean forces his right forearm into your face until you’re sure your nose is going to break. You release him, spinning away with a groan. Before you can recover your balance, Jean hooks your arm and flips you over onto the mat. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Nice arm drag!

YOU - The impact on your back winds you utterly. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He drops to his knees and goes for the pin. 

YOU - Fight a shoulder up before he finishes counting to three. You seize him around the waist with your legs, and with a great heave you reverse your positions. You press both hands to his shoulders and press your knees to his thighs. 

PERCEPTION (SMELL) [Trivial: Success] - He smells so good. 

YOU - Even sweaty?

PERCEPTION (SMELL) - Especially sweaty. 

YOU - “One, two—”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He’s bucking like a horse under you, trying to fight you off, but you’re strong, and the angle you’re at makes it easier to maintain your grip. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy: Success] - Something about him underneath you like this…

YOU - Lean a little bit closer to him. 

VISUAL CALCULUS [Challenging: Success] - Your faces are twelve centimeters apart.

YOU - “Three.” You release him. “One and one. Not so decrepit after all.” 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He sits up quickly. He’s avoiding your eyes, pretending to care about readjusting the tape on his wrists. 

YOU - Did I do something wrong?

YOU - Hesitantly, you ask, “Do you want to keep going? Too tuckered out?”

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Medium: Success] - The ribbing will help further disguise the gooey feminine feelings you’re barely managing to conceal. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He rolls his eyes. “Of course I do, what do I look like, a forty-four year old alcoholic with a death wish?”

EMPATHY [Medium: Success] - It’s a joke, if a bad one. He’s not actually angry—not trying to cut. 

AUTHORITY - You have him on the backfoot, now. Make the most of it.

YOU - Point a thumb at yourself. “Well, this forty-four year old recovering alcoholic is about to kick your ass, how about that?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “I’ll believe it when I see it.” 

PRECINCT GYM - The imaginary bell rings, and the two of you find each other once again.

PRECINCT GYM - It is 2am. You both are soaked in sweat and lying in the ring, spread-eagle. Harry is panting—you are not.

HAIR TRIGGER [Trivial: Success] - Maybe if he didn’t smoke a pack a day he’d be better off.

SATELLITE [Easy: Success] - Never mind his deviated septum. You know, from the speed. 

YOU - He’s ten years older than me, too.

VERITAS [Easy: Success] - And looks twenty years older.

SENSITIVITY TRAINING [Medium: Success] - And feels thirty years older. 

YOU - He still put up a hell of a fight, though…he just doesn’t move like he used to. 

BODY AWARENESS [Medium: Success] - His leg might never return to the shape it was in before it was shredded by bullets. 

ADROIT [Formidable: Success] - But even ignoring that, he does move differently—completely differently. We’ve never been able to keep up with him like this. 

CLINICAL DEPRESSION - Everything about him is different. He isn’t your Harry.

YOU - Yeah, well, my Harry was a cunt.

SATELLITE [Legendary: Success] - Your Harry was a decent man, underneath everything. But he was buried alive by that ‘everything’. 

CHIAROSCURO [Godly: Success] - This Harry can breathe. The soil is shifting, loosening. Disintegrating. This Harry has light in his eyes without a drop of alcohol in his system. This Harry is an entirely different kind of animal. 

YOU - Did my Harry die in Martinaise?

VERITAS [Legendary: Failure] - I don’t know. I’m sorry.

HARRY DU BOIS - “Wow, I’m so tired, but that was really fun.” He groans, sitting up with some effort. “Wanna do it again sometime?” He winks at you.

YOU - There is a lump in your throat when you say, “Sure, Shitkid.”

REALITY TOLERANCE [Hard: Success] - Ten Fridays in a row, you’ve done this.

VERITAS [Hard: Success] - This time with him means a great deal to you.

HARRY DU BOIS - “I’m gonna go shower and change, and then head home for the night.”

YOU - “I’ll give you a ride,” you say automatically. “I know you hate walking home in this shit.” You gesture vaguely outside. “I’ll wait for you in the bullpen. I don’t have a change of clothes.”

HARRY DU BOIS - “I’ve got *tons* of clothes you could change into—”

YOU - “No, that’s alright, I don’t feel the need to parade around the precinct in a silk robe, thank you.” 

HARRY DU BOIS - “But I’ve got this blue plaid suit jacket that would look great on you—”

YOU - Roll up into a cross-legged position. “Go take a fucking shower, Harry.”

HARRY DU BOIS - With a little chuckle, he gets to his feet. “Okay, okay. See you in a sec.” He slips out of the ring, tripping a little on his way out. Casually graceless in a way he never was before.

CHIAROSCURO [Challenging: Success] - Like two movies with the same plot. First, it was a grindhouse nightmare. Or like those black-and-white Graadian movies where no one speaks, and somebody inevitably dies from sadness.

HARRY DU BOIS - Harry begins to whistle a cheerful tune as he slips into the locker room.

BODY AWARENESS [Trivial: Success] - You got to three first. Harry only got you the once.

SATELLITE [Challenging: Success] - Next time, he’ll do better. Towards the end of the match, he was starting to read your movements. He used to be able to decode the hard lines of tension in your muscles just by glancing at you. Perhaps one day he’ll be capable of it again.

HARRY DU BOIS - The door closes behind him. Once the showers turn on, you can’t make out the melody any longer. 

YOU - Miss it. 

CHIAROSCURO - Now this movie…*this* movie is the remake that has nothing to do with the original film. Fans everywhere will be outraged. It’s a rated 16 buddy cop comedy. No one even dies at the end—maybe. 

EJECT BUTTON - No. Someone died at the beginning of the movie, this time.

VERITAS [Hard: Success] - You are bitterly jealous that Kim found him first.

VANGUARD [Heroic: Success] - But you know if it had been you, it wouldn’t have been good. 

YOU - Somehow, that’s worse. 

YOU - Make your way back to the bullpen. One light is flickering between darkness and fluorescence in the coffee nook, the one you and Harry left on.

THE REASON [Easy: Success] - Your part of C-Wing will be vacant until 6am, when Judit gets in. For now, a skeleton staff of junior officers keeps an eye on things, with the numbers of all the senior officers to call if needed. And they were often needed. 

SATELLITE [Trivial: Success] - The same number is listed for both you and Harry; yours. 

YOU - I should have them change that. 

CLINICAL DEPRESSION - Yeah. You should.

YOU - Sink down on the beat-up green couch in the coffee nook. You rest your feet on top of one of the arms.

SUFFERANCE [Challenging: Failure] - It is too short for you to sleep on comfortably, which is most of the reason why you continue to pay for an apartment.

REALITY TOLERANCE [Formidable: Success] - It’s late. It’s pointless for you to go all the way home—just ask Harry if you can stay with him.

SATELLITE [Medium: Success] - Think you can you control yourself, Vic?

YOU - No, I’m sure I’ll be helpless but to fuck him as soon as we’re through the door. Yeah, I’m fucking exhausted. I can control myself. 

REALITY TOLERANCE - So you’ll ask, then? Instead of coming back here to try to get four hours of sleep in the fetal position?

YOU - Fine.

BODY AWARENESS [Hard: Success] - You still have enough giddy-up to fuck, you know. That little spar loosened you up. C’mon…we both know you’ve been thinking about it. Especially since that bearhug Harry caught you in. Just let him fuck you. Maybe you just need to get it out of your system. It’s been so long…

HAIR TRIGGER [Easy: Failure] - Pay no attention to your dick!

REALITY TOLERANCE - Yes. As far as you need to be concerned, you and your dick are in different postal codes right now. 

BODY AWARENESS - You always liked him right out of the shower. 

THE REASON [Formidable: Success] - And something about doing it at work…

RECALL [Medium: Success] - 

Harry locks the door, and a second later, he’s pushing you, pinning you against the wall, mouthing at your throat, deftly undoing the buttons of his dress shirt. The lights are off, save the one in the corner. You can barely make him out in the semidarkness. 

“Fuck, Vic,” Harry pants against your mouth. “Want you so fucking bad.” His hair is wet, hanging in tangles around his face. A strand tickles your nose. Harry cants his hips eagerly against yours. “Let me bend you over. I’ve been thinking about this all day.”

Your head is swimming. Harry sucks on your neck as he pushes your tie away, and you can’t really think of anything at all to say. Which is how Harry likes it. 

He spreads open your collar and bites, and bites, and—

HAIR TRIGGER - Becoming increasingly difficult to ignore the raging hard-on!

YOU - I don’t suppose any of you can stop me from being embarrassingly horny right now?

BODY AWARENESS [Easy: Success] - Why wouldn’t you want to put yourself to good use? You haven’t had sex in months. 

SATELLITE - Not since the last time you were with him. The old him.

YOU - Fuck, okay, I need to take care of this. Harry takes long showers. 

CLINICAL DEPRESSION - Pfft. Good luck.

BODY AWARENESS [Challenging: Success] - No no, you’re standing at attention. Virile, practically. Unzip, Vicquemare. 

YOU - Unzip. You grab at yourself through your boxer briefs for a few moments, trying to get the heat in your stomach to build even more. 

RECALL [Trivial: Success] - Remember how his hands felt on you. How the energy in the room would crackle when you were alone together, before everything went to shit. 

CLINICAL DEPRESSION - Touch yourself.

YOU - That’s what I’m fucking working on. 

CLINICAL DEPRESSION - Touch yourself, now. 

YOU - So you do. You slip your cock out of your underwear. You wrap your hand around yourself. With your thumb, you spread around the pre-cum beading on your tip.

RECALL [Easy: Success] - Remember the time he bent you over your own desk? You were both still in your uniforms…

BODY AWARENESS - Your ass hurt for a week.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - And you fucking LOVED IT. 

YOU - Thrust your hips up a little bit. Let out a soft moan. 

RECALL - He held you down by the scruff of your neck while he fucked you. 

SATELLITE [Heroic: Success] - And when you couldn’t keep quiet anymore, he released you. The better to cover your mouth. He put his lips to your ear and said, “If I’d known this was how to shut you up, I would have started fucking you a lot sooner.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Formidable: Success] - You came untouched, screaming into his palm as he sank his teeth into your shoulder. He emptied himself into you just seconds later. 

YOU - Writhe under your own attention. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Godly: Success] - It’s been so long, Jeanboy. It’s good to be back.

RECALL - Then he flipped you around, slid a hand up to your throat, your limp dick lying spent against your thigh. 

SATELLITE - “Now it’s my turn,” he said to you.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - And then he fucked you again. Harder. 

HAIR TRIGGER [Challenging: Success] - Shit, footsteps!

YOU - Jerk your head up so fast you pull a muscle in your neck. Your hand is already out of your pants.

SATELLITE [Impossible: Success] - Wait. 

HARRY DU BOIS - He stands by the door you didn’t bother to lock.

SATELLITE - He knows what you were doing.

YOU - No shit, the detective could tell from me jerking off that I was jerking off? Fucking miraculous! 

HARRY DU BOIS - “Vic?” he calls tentatively. 

SATELLITE [Trivial: Success] - He wants to know why you’re just staring at him with your dick out.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You’re staring at him because he’s so much fucking better than your right hand. 

SATELLITE [Heroic: Success] - No. This isn’t good for you—for either of you. Not right now.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Godly: Success] - Ignore the Harry in your head—pay attention to the one right in front of you!

YOU - Swallow. “Harry,” you call back. Your voice is hoarse. 

HARRY DU BOIS - He carefully steps closer, close enough that the glowing halo of fluorescence touches him. You cannot read the expression on his face.

YOU - “Harry,” you repeat breathlessly, and swallow again as you slowly return your hand to your cock. “Come here…I want to show you something we used to do together.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Trivial: Success] - GOD LOVES US VERY MUCH. 

YOU - Watch Jean with very wide eyes. He looks…

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] - Like a young god. Legs half spread, slowly dragging his hand up and down his length. Grey eyes on you and nothing else. In the bright sheen of the flickering light, they are enticingly pale.  

LOGIC [Challenging: Success] - You can’t possibly see his eyes from here. You’ve seen this up close before—and your brain is filling in the gaps. 

YOU - Did Jean and I really do… this stuff? Is that why my stomach feels weird when I’m around him sometimes?

EMPATHY [Godly: Success] - You were the only thing that mattered to each other besides the work. For a long, long time. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He’s panting. His hips are twitching, like he’s holding back the urge to fuck up into his fist.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Heroic: Success] - The only thing he’s thinking is: What the fuck am I doing? 

YOU - Get closer.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Formidable: Success] - Make this good for him. You need him to remind you what he sounds like when he falls apart. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Do you remember how to suck?” he asks quietly. 

YOU - Your mouth runs dry.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy: Success] - YES! YES! YES!

DRAMA [Challenging: Success] - Lie, sire. Say you don’t. Then he’ll have to instruct you.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Hard: Success] - He will be patient. Here, if not anywhere else. 

YOU - “I think I can figure it out.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He swipes a thumb over his head. His tongue darts out against his lips, wetting them.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - The bolt of desire that runs through you pushes you onward, unbidden. You are struck dumb by how badly you want this. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He swings his legs over the side of the couch, inviting you to kneel between his knees. “C’mere.”

YOU - Make to oblige him, but then stop cold. “Wait.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He waits, anxiety writ in the line of his jaw. 

YOU - “What if I’m bad at this?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He lets out a surprised snort. “I don’t think it’s going to be a good vs bad thing.”

YOU - Tilt your head. “What do you mean?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “I want your fucking mouth,” he insists, and the bass in his voice goes straight to your dick. 

YOU - Feel your cheeks and chest flush. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - After a moment’s hesitation, he continues: “And I want it because it’s your mouth.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy: Success] - And you want his cock because it’s his cock—stop stating the obvious and get the fuck to it.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Are you fucking insane? You’re not a homo-sexual! We’ve talked about this!

LOGIC [Trivial: Success] - Oh yes? Does this feel straight to you, the way we’re staring at his dick?

YOU - Fall to your knees before him, and it hurts. You steady yourself on Jean’s thighs. 

VOLITION - It’s time for some hard truths, Harry. 

YOU - Oh, good. I was afraid they’d be pleasant, convenient truths. 

VOLITION - You and Jean have at the very least had oral sex. You currently have a not-insignificant erection. You are bi-sexual, a thing which you can ask Kim to explain to you at a later date. What that all adds up to, is—

YOU - “Wow, I wanna suck your dick so bad.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - Unexpectedly, he laughs. Not a scoff, either. Something genuine.

YOU - I love it when he laughs. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “I’m glad you’re enthusiastic about it.”

YOU - “You’ll tell me if I’m doing something wrong? I’m good at following directions.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “No, you aren’t. And you didn't talk this much when we used to do this,” he says. Still, you don’t get the sense he’s particularly bothered. 

YOU - “Oh. Why? There’s so much to talk about.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He shakes his head in unmistakable affection.

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] - Unmistakable affection for *you*. Not just the man whose body you occupy. 

YOU - How often did we do this?

INLAND EMPIRE [Hard: Success] - Too much. When you started to get worse, and he got worse with you.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Formidable: Success] - The world is cold and lonely, and you were drunk and on drugs so often. 

INLAND EMPIRE - It was as simple as pushing your whiskey-soaked tongue into his mouth one night to see what would happen.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He seems to remember he has a dick. He’s been in a holding pattern.

YOU - Reach for him, finally. “Are you okay?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - His hips buck involuntarily when your fingers graze the tip of his leaking cock. “I don’t—I don’t know what the fuck I am, other than horny, okay? Ask me when I have some post-nut clarity or some shit.”

YOU - Is that real?

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Hard: Failure] - Unknown.

LOGIC [Medium: Success]- A true man of science would interrogate the subject. 

YOU - Replace your fingers with the flat of your tongue. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - Immediately, his hands are in your hair. “Fuck, fuck…” 

YOU - Pull back ever-so-slightly. “Good?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - With an annoyed sound, he drags your face back. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium: Success] - That means yes, why the fuck did you stop?

YOU - Slowly lap at the head of his cock. 

PERCEPTION (TOUCH) - You lave your tongue over him. He feels like velvet in your mouth. 

PERCEPTION (TASTE) - You taste the vague salt of his pre-cum. 

PERCEPTION (SMELL) - He smells of sweat and fading aftershave, and it compels you. 

PERCEPTION (HEARING) - His breath is coming in quick, shallow gasps. 

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) - He’s red all over, grey eyes locked on the spot where your mouth meets his dick. 

YOU - Wish he would look you in the eyes.

HAND-EYE COORDINATION [Easy: Success] - Regardless of how often you did this in the past—it has been a long time. He’s trembling under your attention already. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Ngk…seems you remember this well enough…might even be better at it, actually. Sobriety works wonders…oh fuuuuuck…”

YOU - Have taken him in your mouth, most of the way to the hilt. You bridge the last of the gap with your hand. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium: Success] - You need to get him to say your name as much as humanly possible. 

AUTHORITY [Formidable: Success] - Your name. Not ‘Shitkid’. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - You can tell he’s working hard not to whimper.

YOU - Slide your free hand up his abs, your fingers coming to graze under his right nipple.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He shudders. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - [Hard: Failure] …at least it seems like you’re winning?

SUGGESTION - What do you think is happening here?

ENDURANCE - Does this make you the girl? I think this makes you the girl.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Formidable: Success] - You transcend gender! Fly free, butterfly! 

HAND-EYE COORDINATION [Heroic: Success] - You take him a little deeper, dancing close to the edge of your gag reflex. 

ENDURANCE [Hard: Success] - You are not going to puke on his dick. You’ll choke to death first. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You’re lightheaded with pleasure and oxygen deprivation. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - His hands are still in your hair, pulling painfully. You like the pain, though, and he seems to know this. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Legendary: Success] - You’ve done this a lot. The longer you listen to him, feel him shiver under your touch, the more sure you become. 

INLAND EMPIRE [Godly: Success] - Flashes. All the things he used to let you do to him. The things you could get him to do to you. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He fucks up into your mouth. He wants down your throat.

ENDURANCE [Legendary: Success] - You can do this. 

YOU - Look up, trying to catch his eyes again, and this time, you succeed. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He adjusts his grip to hold your head in place.

YOU - Nod. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He holds you still and fucks your face, his hips snapping up with hardly any polish. “Feels so good,” he gasps out. He tries to say more, but it degenerates into a filthy moan. “Forgot…forgot how fucking good…”

YOU - Your dick is so hard it hurts. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Harry…Harry, goddamnit…fuck—I’m—I’m—” 

YOU - Let him push you down all the way. You swallow him, and then you start to choke. Light starts to grow inconsistent in your vision. Black spots dancing around in the firelight. You start to think about how this would be an okay way to die. You don’t even taste it when he cums.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He pushes your head off. He’s too sensitive to withstand the warmth and wetness of your mouth any longer.

YOU - Have cum and spit drooling down your chin.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Challenging: Success] - You feel disgusting, but in a really hot way. 

EMPATHY - You like being used. You like feeling useful, especially to him. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - This is how you get him to forgive you. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He grabs you and pulls you up to him. You make a happy sound of surprise when he kisses you, licking into your mouth almost immediately. He wants to taste himself on your tongue.

YOU - Oblige him. You decide very quickly that you like kissing Jean. You like swallowing his gasps. 

PERCEPTION (TOUCH) [Easy: Success] - His goatee is scratchy and his lips are chapped. These are not deterring factors. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - At length, he pulls back. His eyes are hazy and terrifyingly vulnerable. “You remember how to suck cock,” he states, very sure. “Do you remember how to fuck me?”

YOU - …do I?

INLAND EMPIRE [Godly: Success] - “You like it to hurt. You like it when I talk to you. You like it when I mark you up.” 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He almost seems relieved. “Three for three.” 

SAVOIR FAIRE [Heroic: Success] - “Get on your hands and knees.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He does.

YOU - “I’m going to fuck you until I cum. That might take a long time.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He nods, dazed.

YOU - Start to tug at his clothes. “Gonna bite the fuck out of you. Every time you look in the mirror, you’ll think of me. Every time you brush up against one of those bruises, you’ll think of me. When you touch yourself in the shower—” You yank his pants down. “You’ll think of me.” You wrestle down his underwear next. “When you have trouble walking tomorrow…you’ll think of me.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He makes a sound that you can only describe as wanton. 

YOU - Fumble around for your dick. You don’t have to worry about stroking yourself to hardness. “How often did you let me do this to you?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - His answer comes swiftly: “Whenever you wanted.”

YOU - “How often did I want it?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He glances at you knowingly over his shoulder. “You’re needy, Harry.” 

YOU - You rub your cock along the cleft of his ass, and you feel something hot and heavy building in your gut. You grab at his ass and thighs, squeezing, marveling. The surreality of him wanting on his hands and knees, about to be fucked by you, washes over you in a disorienting wave. 

DRAMA [Trivial: Success] - It will not take you ‘a long time’ to cum, sire. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Don’t make me beg.”

YOU - “I didn’t know that was an option.” You snake down and bite his ass, hard. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Fuck,” he curses softly. Even though he just came minutes ago, his dick is already half-hard once more. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Challenging: Success] - A miracle, given all the anti-depressants he’s on. 

SUGGESTION [Legendary: Success]  - “Tell me what you want.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - The answer comes quick: “You already know. I want you to hurt me.”

YOU - Pause, checking in with yourself. “What if I don’t want to hurt you?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “I’m an adult. If I say I want to be hurt in the fucking sack, it’s not the time for you to be the gallant hero who won’t slap me around. That’s just annoying.”

YOU - Apprehension rises in your chest. “...But what if I can’t do it? Hurt you, I mean.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “You have excelled at it in all possible contexts in the past. Just believe in yourself.” 

PERCEPTION (HEARING) - You can hear the eyeroll in his voice. 

YOU - Gulping, you grip his hips, hard. You dig in your fingernails. 

LOGIC - Condom. 

YOU - Why?

LOGIC [Hard: Failure] - You don’t want to knock him up, do you?

VOLITION - That is not a concern you need to have. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium: Failure] - Jean is not capable of pregnancy. He’s infertile because of the smallpox.

VOLITION - People: he doesn’t have a UTERUS. 

YOU - Fumble for your wallet in your jacket pocket. “I knew this baby would come in handy.” After a moment, you extract a square of crinkly gold foil. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - The sound draws his attention. “Wh—what the fuck is that?”

YOU - “They pass them out at my meetings sometimes,” you explain, tearing open the package. Your fingers immediately feel oily.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium: Success] - Pre-lubed. Nice. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “We don’t need a condom!” he snaps. 

YOU - “Safe sex is important, Jean.”

HAND-EYE COORDINATION [Challenging: Success] - It unrolls right-side-out. Now put it on, carefully. You only have the one. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - His dick is hard and leaking all over the couch, and after a sigh that lasts an uncomfortably long time, he acquiesces. “Fine, fuck it, whatever, just fuck me."

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Formidable: Success] - It won’t hurt as bad as he wants it to, but he’s willing to accept that if it means you get the show on the road.

YOU - Now b’condomed, you settle your hands on his hips one more.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He shudders from head to toe at that gentle touch alone, and you are desperate for him.

YOU - “You want it hard, then?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Yes.” There is no hesitation in his voice. 

YOU - “Will you tell me if you need me to stop?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - A long pause. “I will.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Hard: Success] - He’d never considered it before—telling you to stop. Comes from only having sex when you’re both too fucked up to really string sentences together other than, “You fucking like that, you fucking slut?” etcetera, etcetera. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Heroic: Success] - That’s why Jean liked having sex at work so much. It was the closest he could get to being with you. Instead of just some canvas you could project Dora on if you were drunk or high enough. 

INLAND EMPIRE [Hard: Success] - This is the first time he’s had sex with you when you’re sober. Ever.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Then you better make it good for him.

YOU - “Don’t I need to put fingers in your ass?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He pulls one of your hands off of his hip and brings it to his lips, and he promptly sucks three fingers into his mouth. 

YOU - Immediately want your fingers to be your dick, and wonder how fast that can be arranged. 

YOU - “I’ll take that as a yes,” you groan, unabashed. “Fuck, why is that so hot?” 

YOU - This wasn’t just about having a blank canvas though, was it? I had feelings for him. I must have. 

VOLITION [Challenging: Success] - Frankly, it doesn’t supremely matter what you felt in the past. What you feel now is what matters. Do you want this?

SUGGESTION [Medium: Success] - Want him?

YOU - Yes.

YOU - But not like this.

YOU - “Flip over. I want to see you.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He hesitates. He doesn’t want you to see him. 

EMPATHY [Hard: Failure] - He doesn’t want this to be real. If he doesn’t see you, you can be somebody else. Anybody else.

HALF-LIGHT [Challenging: Success] - Just like you used to do to him. 

YOU - I don’t want this to be somebody else. I want this to be Jean. 

YOU - “Please. I want to fuck you. I want to look at you.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Why?” he demands. “You never needed that before.”

YOU - “I want to see you feel good.” You lean down and gently bite at the back of Jean’s neck. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He gasps, then, “Fine, fine, goddamnit.”

YOU - Help him to flip over. You position the two of you so that Jean’s legs are over your shoulders. You like this much better. You can see him. You can lap up the precum on the tip of his dick—while you put your fingers inside of him. You start with one. It’s not like you remember how to do this. Baby steps.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - It’s only a few minutes before he’s back to full hardness. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Legendary: Success] - Good. Make him cum again. Make him cum until he forgets the monster who used to wear your skin. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “More,” he gasps out.

YOU - You give him more. Two—then quickly three. You suck on the head of his cock as you do, and he is utterly lost between the sensation of that, and you fucking him on your hand. 

EMPATHY [Godly: Success] - You are giving him exactly what he wants. 

YOU - Pull off of his cock with an obscene pop. “How does it feel?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He just moans and says something to the effect of, “Huh?”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Formidable: Success] - He could cum just from this. But you don’t want that. Get on with the show! 

AUTHORITY - Remind him who is in charge around here. 

YOU - Straighten up, pulling your fingers out of him.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He makes an unhappy little noise when you withdraw, only for him to groan long and lustful when he feels the tip of your cock prodding at his entrance. He feels the heat of you, and he loves it. He misses it.

YOU - With shallow thrusts, you begin to work your way into him, the tight vice of his body. You’re normal-sized enough that you’ll be able to be quite rough on him without doing too much damage. “Oh God. Fuck. Of course we used to do this all the time—you feel so fucking good, how did we ever get any work done? How did I ever stop fucking you?” 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Jobs—to do,” he barely manages, and he’s looking at you, your face, your mouth, your eyes. His face is soft, open. Wanting. He is incoherent with it. 

YOU - “How bad do you want it to hurt?” you watch Jean with intense, interrogative eyes. You have so many questions, but the questions must be answered quickly. If you don’t fuck Jean Vicquemare into this couch right this second, you will die. You will fucking die. You’re sure of it. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Please,” he gasps, and you put your right hand on his throat, tentatively squeezing. His cock weeps against his stomach.

YOU - “Just when I’m inside you?” you press. “Or do you want to feel me when you’re walking around for the rest of the week? Do you want to be slapped? Do you want me to bite you? Leave marks?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Nothing…above the collar. Work. Everything else…” He nods frantically.

YOU - “We’re gonna have to talk about this more later, when you’re with it. I’m gonna go easy on you…more or less.” That being said, you snap your hips, pushing all the way into him. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - The noise he lets out is something you wish you could bottle and huff. 

YOU - “Yeah? You like my cock?”

YOU - Is that dumb to say? It sounds kind of dumb. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He nods shakily, eyes shut. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy: Success] - Nah. He’s into it.

YOU - Grab him by the chin, holding him still. “Open your eyes and look at me.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - Reluctantly, he does. Bright pale eyes stare back at you, delirious with arousal. 

YOU - “I said, do you like my fucking cock?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Yes.”

YOU - “Good.” The pace you set is punishing, and you can tell that Jean appreciates it. What your mind has forgotten, the flesh remembers. Your body remembers his body. “Does it hurt? Does it hurt enough?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He shakes his head emphatically. “Choke me.”

YOU - Your hand is already in position, already threatening to squeeze. You follow through. His back arches, and you use the opportunity to seize his dick with your free hand. “You look beautiful like this.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He throws an arm over his eyes. “Shut the fuck up,” he mouths.

YOU - Tighten your hand. Jean’s face is starting to turn red. “You don’t want me to talk anymore?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “No…girl shit…” he moans. 

YOU - “Does any of this feel like girl shit to you? My dick is in your ass. Do I feel like a girl?” You don’t let up, balls slapping against Jean’s ass with each thrust. Your head is quiet. Your head is never quiet. You want this forever. You are alone with another person for…

For the very first time. It is only the slap of skin on skin, your heavy breathing, and the noises Jean is making. Little purrs in the base of his throat whenever you let up on him enough for sound to escape his lungs. His lungs. His lungs!

“Well?” you demand. “Do I feel like a fucking girl?”

“No,” he gasps out. 

You squeeze his cock tight enough to hurt, but not too badly. You know his threshold intrinsically. The Pale did not strip this away from you. This feels more familiar than anything else has to you, the entire time you’ve been awake…save for, perhaps, when the two of you laugh together. 

(Or, the smell of apricot chewing gum.) 

You banish the thought as soon as it comes.

“Mmm, you don’t feel like a girl either, Jean-Jean.”

You’ve never called him that before. You don’t even know where it came from. Your mouth said it with conviction, though. You loosen up your grip. You feel his cock pulse in your hand. His panting is increasing in volume and desperation. He’s writhing underneath you.

It’s like naked wrestling, you think suddenly. Which is so fucking cool.

“Can we do this every day until we die?” you ask, earnestly.

He doesn’t answer your question. Instead, he says, “Don’t stop, please, please, don’t stop.” 

Each time you bury yourself in him, Jean nearly shouts. You want to make him scream. Next time—there needs to be a next time—you’ll jack off a bunch ahead of time. You’ll prepare better. You’ll…well, you’ll definitely stretch first!

You wish his eyes were open, but they’ve fallen shut again. He is enjoying himself, but he’s not letting himself be all the way here. He’s putting distance between you even as you pound his ass into the breakroom couch. Pushes you away while you hold his life in your hands. 

“Look at me.”

He pretends not to hear you. 

You slap him, once. Just hard enough to catch his attention.

“I said look at me, Jean.”

Blearily, he opens them part way. Half moon slivers. “Happy?”

You cease the pistoning of your hips, to better facilitate conversation. “Not yet. Are you with me?”

“What…what?” he whines. His poor sex-addled brain does not understand why you are still asking questions. 

“Are you with me?”

He doesn’t understand what you’re asking at first, but you see the realization cross his reddened face. “Fuck does that mean?” But he knows. “Are you with me?”

You did not expect an indignant response. You were more braced for a demoralizing one. 

“Why do you think I can’t take my eyes off of you? I don’t want to forget a second of this. I wish I didn’t have to blink.” It all spills forth from your mouth, and it’s disgusting and true. 

He has no idea what to do with that statement, and his face shows it. “Will you please just—” He tightens around you with purpose, trying to goad you back into your previous brutal pace. 

You moan unabashedly, but you’re a man on a mission. “Say my name.”

His eyes widen. You don’t know with what emotion. His pink tongue darts out to lick his lips. You immediately want to chase it. Suck it into your mouth and bite. You don’t know who you are anymore. The world has narrowed to the man underneath you. His muscles are painted with his sweat, giving him a fetching gleam.

“Harry,” he breathes out at last. 

You start thrusting once more. A reward for him and a relief for you. “Again.”

“Harry.”

“I like that. Again.”

“Harry, Harry…please…”

“Fuck yes. Fuck yes, fuck yes—” You slam into him with bruising force. He starts to get as loud as you’d been hoping. “Jean…Jean…shit…”

He is so close, you can taste it. “Can you—can you—” 

You’re close, too. You wish you could stay like this forever. You cannot believe that the world demands anything else of you. You don’t understand why anyone ever does anything else. You want to stay inside Jean until the Pale swallows you both. 

You release his dick. You hold his ankles, and the angle you get now is so good it takes everything you have to not orgasm right then and there. You slow your pace, for the sake of your lower back, your masculinity, and providing Jean with a clear enough head to articulate whatever it is he’s trying to say. 

When you’ve nearly bent him in half, he swallows, then gasps out, “Cum in my mouth?”

Well, you think to yourself. All things being equal…

“Do you want me to fuck your face? Like you fucked mine?”

“Harder,” he tells you firmly. “I went easy on you.”

“You did,” you agree. “But you don’t want me to do that, I take it?”

“No.”

He guides you into a sitting position. You peel the condom off and toss it somewhere that you hope is near the trashcan. Jean’s cock bobs between his legs, bright red and rock hard. You want to suck it again. You wonder if you’ll be able to, after tonight. You wonder if this will ever happen again. You wonder how Jean will feel in the morning. How he’ll feel in ten minutes. 

He kneels between your legs, and you can’t take your eyes off of him. His eyes are silver under the fluorescence, his whole body flushed a soft pink. It almost erases his Jamrock pallor. Before you can say anything, much less continue your campaign of dirty talk, he swallows you down to the hilt. You groan, bucking up into the divine heat of his mouth. 

Questions. You still need to ask questions.

“Hands in your hair? Did I used to hold you down while I did it?”

He nods. He settles his tongue on the underside of your shaft, and you enter a state of pure bliss. He gently pulls on and off. He’s savoring you. When he hollows his cheeks, you think you see angels in the corners of your vision. There are choirs singing. You could write a novel about how he looks right now. 

“And you liked it?” you confirm. Your voice is shaky. There’s no way to maintain your composure, not when he’s doing this to you, not when he’s finally really looking at you.

He pulls off long enough to say “What do you think?” His lips twitch up in something akin to a smile, and then he returns to his work. You grab fistfuls of salt and pepper hair, and wonder if you were the one who turned him grey before thirty-five. 

“I made you choke on me, didn’t I?”

Nodding. More frantic this time. 

“Stop me if I start to kill you.” 

One final nod—with resentment.

You push him all the way down until his nose meets your skin. He is gagging, but he’s making that purring sound too, when he can. You love it. 

“I missed you,” you say, without consciously making the decision to. “I missed you so much, Vic.”

A bend of irritation in his brows. He doesn’t want you to be tender. Not now. Maybe not ever. Maybe you never were before?

You oblige him, moving back into horny territory. A more comfortable space for the two of you to be in. As long as you both are still locked in this, it doesn’t have to end. Jean wants it to end as little as you do. 

“You look so good gagging for me like this,” you say, because he does. 

With caution, you start thrusting up into his mouth. You hold his head on both sides by his hair. He finds his own cock again and starts stroking it haphazardly. You hold him perfectly still as you fuck his face, and you can tell he wants it, and he’s ready—

“Aaah—Jean—!” 

A height of indescribable pleasure. You scream like you’re dying. Then there is a white light. 

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN: You’re dead, Harry. Congratulations. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Trivial: Success] - You drift in ecstasy for a few perfect moments. 

YOU - Slowly, your senses return to you. You are half slumped over on the couch, your body empty and singing. You feel exhausted, in pain, and entirely satisfied.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He’s on his knees a few feet away, gasping and coughing up all kinds of shit. Spit, bile, presumably an amount of semen, and maybe the last twenty years worth of cigarette ash.

VISUAL CALCULUS [Medium: Success] - Speaking of cum: his stomach is covered in it, dripping down into the dark curls below. He must’ve finished at the same time you did, or very close to. He’s shaking and his eyes are wet. Naked and vulnerable while you are still more or less fully dressed. 

HALF-LIGHT [Challenging: Success] - Ripe for the taking. 

EMPATHY [Formidable: Success] - You wish you hadn’t done this to him—even if he did ask for it. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy: Success] - No. This was great, and you should do it again. And again…and again, after that. Repeat as needed. 

LOGIC [Medium: Success] - There’s a middle ground. How about you start with going to him and making sure he’s alright?

YOU - That sounds like a good idea. 

YOU - Scramble up on trembling legs. 

ENDURANCE [Heroic: Failure] - The pain in your back tomorrow will be indescribable. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Totally worth it. 

YOU - Grab a roll of paper towels from the counter. You dampen a handful of them and bring them with you, along with the entire roll. You crouch at Jean’s side. “Hey, are you okay? Here.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He wants to fight you as you clean his face, wipe his mouth off. But he doesn’t. “What is this?” he growls, his voice wrecked. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Medium: Success] - You did that to him. 

AUTHORITY [Challenging: Success] - The rush of power you feel is unparalleled. 

YOU - I don’t want power over him.

EMPATHY [Legendary: Success] - It’s not that kind of power, Harry. It’s the trust. It’s Jean trusting you with himself. 

YOU - Jean…is starting to trust me again?

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Heroic: Success] - Jean-Héron Vicquemare can and will forgive you anything. 

YOU - “Your guess is as good as mine,” you remark as you go to the staff fridge to grab Jean a bottle of water. You think the retching has subsided for now. More troubling than the puke aspect is the fact that it’s entirely bile. 

LOGIC [Challenging: Success] - When was the last time he ate?

YOU - “You’re not eating enough.” You uncap the water and hand it to him. You help him shift into sitting on his haunches. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He drinks down the water like he hasn’t had any all day. “Sorry my vomit wasn’t chunky enough for you.”

YOU - “No, I’m sorry. I pushed you too hard.” You watch a few stray trails of water run down Jean’s neck with fascination.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - Genuinely unbothered, he replies, “I told you what I wanted, and you gave it to me. Don’t have a fucking crisis about it.” He looks at you. “You still could have gone harder. Like you said…I’m not a girl. I can take it.”

YOU - Grimace. “Can take it, sure. But…why take it? Why do you want it like this?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Because I don’t want to think,” he answers immediately. “Because I want it to be…quiet, for a while.” He taps the side of his head. “You make it quiet.” 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Godly: Success] - One of the only things that ever has.

YOU - Help him back to his feet. You settle his limp, aching body on the couch while you hobble to the maintenance closet to grab something to clean up the various biological fluids the two of you have left throughout the coffee nook. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - When you return, Jean is mostly dressed. His pants are back on, and he’s tightening his belt. A few of the damp paper towels are next to him. He’s trying to clean his cum off of himself. 

CLINICAL DEPRESSION - You feel bereft.

YOU - “Let me help.” And then you’re grabbing him by the hips and licking his stomach, cleaning up the remainder in a gesture far from altruism. You swipe him clean with your tongue, and if you moan a few times in the process, that’s your own business. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Hard: Success] - I hate that this is hot, he thinks to himself. I hate that I like this. 

YOU - Look up at him. “Can I hold you?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “I may not know what this is. But it’s not that.”

[MORALE DAMAGED -1]

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “I’ll drive you home.” He pulls on his undershirt, then his shirt sleeves. He’s struggling to button it up, mind still muddled and fucked-out.

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] - It’s a peace offering. He cares enough to drive you home, still. 

YOU - Maybe I haven’t ruined everything?

YOU - Mop the coffee nook. When you’re done with that, you flip the couch cushions. There’s only so much you can do for that without a dry cleaner. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He stands by the door, fully clothed, cloak pulled tight around him. He checks his watch. 

VISUAL CALCULUS [Medium: Success] - There are reminders of you all over him, even covered up like this. Bruises along his neck match your finger prints. A hickey just barely peaking above his collar. His hair is mussed and his lips are swollen.

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Trivial: Success] - He keeps coughing.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Formidable: Success] - He really did go easy on you. Your voice is only strained from the unholy bellow you released when you came in Jean’s mouth. 

SUGGESTION [Heroic: Success] - Jean is a masochist on the level that he is sometimes a danger to himself. It was good of you to not push things further than you did. You are also allowed to have boundaries. You don’t have to be okay with…whatever the tone and tenor of the past thirty minutes was. 

EMPATHY [Hard: Success] - You wanted to feel better than this after, but you don’t. You want to hold him, nuzzle him, tell him that you love him and you’re sorry, sorry, sorry—

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Hurry up. I’m dreaming of scraping four hours of sleep. I’m an optimist like that.”

YOU - Finish your rushed cleanup job, and limp towards Jean. You stop halfway to him and tuck your limp dick back into your underwear. Your hands are shaking as you tuck your shirt into your pants, then zip yourself up. 

ENDURANCE [Easy: Success] - You haven’t eaten much today either. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - You blink, and he’s there in front of you. He gently pulls your hands off your belt and buckles it for you. 

YOU - Try to catch his eyes. “I like how you smell.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Like sweat and semen? Fucking delightful,” is his flat reply. 

YOU - “It’s not that. I mean, I like how your sweat smells, I think.” You nudge your nose beneath his ear, and revel in his sharp intake of breath. “But it’s how you smell. You smell…” You lean in, pressing your lips to the rigid line of his jaw 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He lets out a sigh, but he doesn’t stop you. Your soft touch is alien to him, but a part of him could drown in it.

YOU - “I dunno. You smell like home.” 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He straightens your tie and tightens it. “So…home smells like sweat and semen? Don't answer that."

YOU - “You don’t have to go straight to the gutter with it, Vic! I’m trying to be romantic here.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He finishes his task, and then he grabs you by the collar. 

YOU - Hope he’s going to yank you to him, but he doesn’t.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He just holds you there, and he looks furious, and you don’t know why. “We don’t fucking do that,” he hisses. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Godly: Success] - You already made me look in your eyes. You wanted to hold me after. The lights were on the whole time. I don’t know what’s happening and I feel very afraid. 

YOU - Without a better idea of what to do, you wrap your arms around Jean’s middle. You squeeze him. A part of you has wanted nothing more than to hug him for months. 

LOGIC [Hard: Failure] - This is why the two of you barely touch. Because this is what happens when you do. You destroy each other.

YOU - I don’t feel destroyed. I feel…sad. 

YOU - “Okay,” you murmur. You rest your head on his shoulder.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - It’s possibly a full minute before Jean sighs and slides his arms around your neck. A minute amount of tension drains from him. He is hugging you back.

[MORALE HEALED +1]

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Challenging: Success] - Recent studies have shown that to maintain a healthy emotional balance, at least eight hugs a day are needed.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “What is this?” he repeats. 

YOU - “A hug?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “I know what a fucking hug is. I want to know why.”

LOGIC - Because you’re human.

EMPATHY - Because you love him. 

INLAND EMPIRE - Because you want to remember.

YOU - “Because I care about you. And…maybe I just need a hug. And maybe you need one too.” 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - To your disappointment, Jean pulls away. “If only my psychiatrist had prescribed hug therapy!” He slaps his head like it’s an obvious thing he forgot, silly him. The bitter twist of a smile he wears makes your chest hurt. 

YOU - “Does that mean you didn’t like the hug?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He brushes his bangs out of his eyes, and you can tell he’s biting the meat of his inner cheek. 

INLAND EMPIRE [Godly: Success] - Jean is talking to his furies in the mirror.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “...I didn’t say that. I’m saying that when we did this before, we barely spoke, when we did it was filth, and we…tried our best not to acknowledge what we were doing. You’d fuck me and leave. Or you’d fuck me and I’d leave. There was no hugging. No…whatever you’re doing now.” He pauses. “You were very good at hurting me, back then. I always licked my own wounds.” 

RHETORIC [Medium: Success] - Translation, ‘rather than having you lick up my cum.’

YOU - “I’ve never hugged you after sex? Never held you?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “No. The best I got was you passing out drunk on top of me after the fact. Which, you know, would then crush my lungs and make it impossible to breathe and I’d have to shove 100 kilos of dead weight off of me, so, really very romantic.” 

EMPATHY [Formidable: Success] - You were awful to this man. But still, he loves you. Still, he is here. Still, he trusts you with himself. Even if you isn’t…’you’ anymore. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Heroic: Success] - He is your partner. In his heart of hearts, he doesn’t view this as optional. 

YOU - “I could maybe…not do that, going forward. If—if, you know, you wanted to do this again?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “This is the first time I’ve had sex with you sober.” It’s not really a response to what you said. 

YOU - Try to gently pull him towards you again, but he resists. You don’t push the matter.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Do you remember anything at all?” he asks, and he’s trying and failing to mask the desperation in his voice.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Impossible: Success] - About me. About us. About the way we hurt each other, and the way we might have loved each other, if we could have. If we’d been capable of it.

YOU - “I remember wanting to tell you a lot of things, and not saying them. Saying awful stuff instead.”

INLAND EMPIRE [Legendary: Success] - You wanted him to hate you. Because if he hated you enough—

HALF-LIGHT [Hard: Success] - It would finally be enough to do it. The final attempt, finally successful. 

EMPATHY [Formidable: Success] - You just needed to truly not have anything left. 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “So, nothing, I take it? You remember nothing.”

YOU - “I remember thinking that you were the only thing worth staying alive for. Towards the end. I’m pretty clear on that.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “And then I wasn’t worth it anymore?”

YOU - “I can’t speak for what he—”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Then who does speak for him?” he demands suddenly. “Who speaks for Harrier Du Bois? Because he can’t fucking talk to me anymore, but that—” he jerks his head in the direction of the desecrated couch. “That was…him.”

EMPATHY - Uh oh.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “It’s the first time you sounded like him.”

YOU - “I don’t know that I want to sound like him. It seems like he was a huge dick to you.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Not always.” He winces at himself. “Goddamnit, I’m still fucking defending him.” 

YOU - “You don’t need to do that anymore.” 

JEAN VICQUEMARE - “I haven’t needed to for months. Old habits.” He turns his back to you. “Either come with me now or walk home. Your choice.”

YOU - Hurry to catch up with him. “Hey, look, I—I know I say ‘him’, but I get that he is also me. I’m still me, Jean.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE - He just keeps walking, knowing that once you’re out into the main thoroughfare, you won’t be able to continue the conversation. 

HALF-LIGHT - Liar. 

CLINICAL DEPRESSION - You’ve really done it now. 

HAIR TRIGGER - What the fuck were you thinking!?

EJECT BUTTON - Everything has to have spikes on it. A healthy friendship? No, beg him to rail you at your workplace instead. You liked how awful the old Harry was—because he was awful like you. 

CLINICAL DEPRESSION - Not anymore. 

SCAR TISSUE [Formidable: Success] - If he’d really felt like the old Harry, you wouldn’t be walking right now. 

REALITY TOLERANCE - You don’t actually want that back. You know you don’t. Does wanting something different feel like a betrayal to who Harry once was?

SATELLITE [Hard: Success] - No, it’s not that. If you accept this new, shiny version of Harry Du Bois, it’s as good as burying your partner—and all the memories you shared. It’s shutting the book. Your Harry dies. It’s all just you, now. Your past is nothing but a ghost in the wall. Five years. Nothing but the scars and paperwork to know it was real at all. 

CHIAROSCURO - You wish you would have taken more pictures. 

HARRY DU BOIS - “Jean? Would you please talk to me?”

BODY AWARENESS [Medium: Success] - At least his body remembered how to make you feel good. 

HARRY DU BOIS - “I’m sorry for…I shouldn’t have…”

SENSORY INPUT [Easy: Success] - His voice sounds distinctly watery. 

YOU - “Oh my God, are you going to fucking cry?”

RECALL [Trivial: Success] - Not the first time you’ve asked him this in the past few months, with just as much irritation. 

HARRY DU BOIS - “No!” Harry insists immediately, crossing his arms and looking out the window. You are a block from Harry’s apartment. “You’re an asshole.”

CLINICAL DEPRESSION - Yes, you are. 

YOU - “I am. The price you pay for getting to fuck mine.”

HARRY DU BOIS - “Your what?”

YOU - Contemplate swerving into oncoming traffic. 

RATIONALE [Easy: Success] - It wouldn’t come hard or fast enough this time of night to kill you.

YOU - “My asshole, Shitkid. My fucking asshole. Or did you forget already?”

HARRY DU BOIS - “OH,” Harry says, reveling in his newfound understanding. “I did like that.”

YOU - “How nice for you.”

HARRY DU BOIS - He holds up his hands immediately. “I mean, I wouldn’t have, if I—if I’d realized I was—”

YOU - “You didn’t do anything wrong!” you bite out, pulling up to the curb in front of his pathetic fourth story tenement on the corner of Perdition and Main. “Get out. See you at work.”

HARRY DU BOIS - Tentatively he asks, “Come upstairs with me?”

YOU - “No. Goodnight.”

CLINICAL DEPRESSION - What are you in such a hurry to go home to?

HARRY DU BOIS - “If you tell me what I did wrong, I won’t do it again. I’ll—I’ll never have sex with you again, I promise! Even if you ask.” 

YOU - “I can make my own goddamn decisions,” you hiss at him. “I made my decision, and I got what I wanted. Then I felt like shit anyway. This is not new behavior.” 

HARRY DU BOIS - “I…” He doesn’t want to leave you. His body won’t move when he tells it to. “Are you sure?”

YOU - Feel the back of your neck flush. “Get the fuck out of my car, Harry.”

HARRY DU BOIS - His face is so crestfallen you almost cave immediately.

COMMAND [Hard: Failure] - But you don’t. You need to get away from him. Need to breathe. Need to think.

TRAUMA BLOCK - Need to mourn.

YOU - Softening, you add, “I’m not mad at you, alright? I just can’t be around you.”

HARRY DU BOIS - The expression he wears says that he views this as much worse than you merely being mad at him. “Like. Ever?”

YOU - Roll your eyes. “I already told you I’d see you at work.”

HARRY DU BOIS - “But what about outside of it?”

HAIR TRIGGER - What does he even remember? What could he possibly be missing?

SENSITIVITY TRAINING [Heroic: Success] - Has it occurred to you that this Harry, the one you’ve gotten to know over the past four months, cares about you? That he, on his own time and in his own way, has developed feelings for you? 

CHIAROSCURO [Hard: Success] - That it’s not the ghost of Harry Du Bois compelling him forward, but rather this fresh heart beating in this chest?

YOU - “Do you have feelings for me?” you ask him, like an insane person.

HARRY DU BOIS - Blinks. “That’s what having sex means, right?”

YOU - Take a moment to compose yourself over that comment. “Not necessarily.”

HARRY DU BOIS - He seems contemplative. His bottom lip is swollen from where you bit it. At length, he replies, “I’m four months old, Jean. For almost all of that you’ve been right here with me. I don’t really see how I could manage to not have feelings for you. Everyone says I’m married to the job. I uh…I think there’s maybe something between the lines there.”

YOU - “Don’t say you're four months old so soon after I sucked your dick, please,” you request emphatically. 

HARRY DU BOIS - Seemingly frustrated with himself, he presses on: “I’m trying to ask you something here.”

YOU - “You always are,” you say, feeling crushingly tired. 

HARRY DU BOIS - “Do you have feelings for me?”

YOU - “We don’t have the entire geological epoch necessary for me to answer that.”

HARRY DU BOIS - He nods, resigned. 

EJECT BUTTON - He’s giving up.

SATELLITE [Formidable: Success] - He never would have asked these questions before. Because he didn’t want to hear it. He couldn’t hear it. Could never say how he felt—

HARRY DU BOIS - “I love you,” he says plainly, watching your face like a hawk—ha ha—for your reaction. 

YOU - Stare at him. 

TRAUMA BLOCK [Heroic: Failure] - The one thing you most wanted him to say to you. But it doesn’t even matter anymore. He’s not your Harry.

REALITY TOLERANCE [Legendary: Success] - No. He’s a dangerous new breed. He’s Harry, and he’s…something a bit different. Someone a bit different. The traumas and addictions that held him back before are largely gone. He is capable of things you never thought possible. He is the Harry you met five years hence, but with an entire new world alive inside of him. 

CHIAROSCURO [Godly: Success] - The next world you were promised?

SCAR TISSUE [Medium: Success] - His scars are barely discernible. And you are made of scars. 

HAIR TRIGGER [Hard: Failure] - It’s not fair. It’s not fair!

UNFLINCHING [Legendary: Failure] - “Why don’t I get to forget?” 

EJECT BUTTON - You sound pathetic. 

CLINICAL DEPRESSION - Because you are. 

YOU - “Why do I have to be the one to remember? I wish I could forget my shitty fucking life. I wish I could forget…”

HARRY DU BOIS - “...Me?”

VERITAS [Formidable: Success] - He dreads the answer, but he must know.

BODY AWARENESS [Easy: Success] - The stillness in the motor carriage feels supranatural. There is so much pain in the air you are choking on it. 

SENSITIVITY TRAINING [Challenging: Success] - The Harry before you has treated you with kindness and affection, even under your constant deluge of insults. He wants to be your friend. He’s worked hard at it.

RECALL [Easy: Success] - Harry brought you in a crêpe the other day, the hazelnut and banana ones you like from a vendor a few blocks from his apartment. Out of the way, if he was walking to work. He came into the bullpen whistling. He placed it on your desk and said, “Morning Vic, got you brekky,” with a happy smile. Then he settled down at his desk and got to work right away.

CHIAROSCURO - Leaving you staring blankly at it, the yawning void in your chest contracting ever-so-slightly. 

SENSITIVITY TRAINING - Imagine a Harry that only hurts you in the bedroom, when you ask for it.

YOU - Can’t give him the straight answer he wants. “My best friend is dead. Forgive me if I have complicated feelings.”

HARRY DU BOIS - “Vic,” he says, sounding a little desperate. He grabs your hand and presses it to the right side of his chest.

VANGUARD [Trivial: Success] - He’s forgotten where the heart is. 

HARRY DU BOIS - “I’m right here. Please.” He is pleading with you.

YOU - “You see, if I didn’t remember, this would be perfect. A clean start. But I don’t get a clean start. Maybe I should go get blackout drunk and wander into an entroponetic phenomenon.”

HARRY DU BOIS - You’ve horrified him. “Please don’t say that. Please. You—” He grips your hand tight. “You’re my living memory. You’re how I know my past happened. I’m sorry that it hurts, and I’m sorry that you have to carry it by yourself. But…you keep me anchored. You know all the parts of me that I don’t understand yet. I need you.”

YOU - “Selfish fuck,” you say dimly.

HARRY DU BOIS - “I love you,” he repeats.

YOU - “You don’t even know what that means” You shake your head. “You’re a bag of impulses.” 

HARRY DU BOIS - “Bullshit,” he says, heat in his words. “I’m a person. Not a ghost. Not a shell. I’m a person. I’m your friend!”

YOU - “You are,” you confirm dully. You watch him for a drawn out moment.

HARRY DU BOIS - His eyes look shimmering green under the sodium lights. He gives you a small, sad smile. “I like your eyes, too.”

SATELLITE [Hard: Success] - He can still dig right into your brain, your soul. He still knows you. He lost the memories…but he didn’t lose you.

[MORALE HEALED +1]

YOU - Finally relent. “It’s getting so late there’s no point in me going home.”

HARRY DU BOIS - He visibly brightens. 

CHIAROSCURO [Easy: Success] - If he had a tail, it would be wagging. 

YOU - Give him a bone dry look. “Don’t look so excited, Shitkid. I’m taking the couch.”

HARRY DU BOIS - His enthusiasm does not flag.

SATELLITE [Challenging: Success] - He just doesn’t want you to leave yet. He wants to keep talking to you. He wants to feel like the two of you are okay. It’s eating him alive.

PERDITION & MAIN - Harry hovers close to you during the elevator ride up to the fourth floor. His bad leg is feeling your little wrestling match from earlier in a big way—never mind the quite athletic sex that followed. The mechanical elevator crawls to the top floor. 

YOU - Let him lean on you for support.

PERDITION & MAIN - The elevator dings. Harry’s front door is precisely across from it. 

HARRY DU BOIS - Harry finds his keys without issue. Something that you’re still getting used to.

YOU - Go to shower as soon as you’re through the door. You feel fucking disgusting. You don’t offer Harry any comfort on your way. You don’t have it in you right now. When you’re done, you climb out and grab the clean towel dangling from the hook by the shower. 

SENSORY INPUT [Trivial: Success] - Harry keeps a tidy house, now.  

YOU - Dry yourself off, then abandon the towel in the hamper. You walk naked into the living room and beeline for Harry’s dresser. 

HARRY DU BOIS - Harry is already in bed, reading by lamplight. You have no idea how the old bastard is still awake, after a wrestling match and then fucking you hard. 

YOU - Feel his eyes on you as you root through his clothes to find something to sleep in. You find clean underwear and an old RCM t-shirt from a fundraiser picnic you and Harry did four years ago. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Challenging: Success] - Curl up in bed with him. What’s the worst that could happen?

REALITY TOLERANCE - I can’t believe I’m saying this, but, Mr. Manic-Depressive here asks a valid question. 

SATELLITE [Heroic: Success] - What do you want, Jean?

YOU - Pull on Harry’s roomy underwear. You forgo the shirt, and go to his bed.

HARRY DU BOIS - His eyes widen instantly behind his readers. He takes them off, snapping the book shut with his other hand. 

YOU - Prod his side with a finger. “Move over, Shitkid.”

HARRY DU BOIS - He readjusts so he isn’t taking up the entire middle of the bed.

YOU - Crawl in next to him. You let your head thump back against the pillow. 

SENSORY INPUT [Easy: Success] - Everything smells like Harry. Which, nowadays, isn’t an onslaught against the senses. He wears a cologne that smells like cucumbers and melons. It’s faded traces of that, sweat, and just Harry.

HARRY DU BOIS - He is looking at you with unabashed wonder.

YOU - Slowly, you lift up an arm.

HARRY DU BOIS - After a moment, Harry realizes what you mean. He puts his head on your chest, and you rest your hand on his back. 

[MORALE HEALED +1]

HARRY DU BOIS - He trails fingers up and down your ribs, leaving Skua-flesh wherever he touches. For the third time tonight, he says, “I love you.”

YOU - And for the third time, you ask, “What is this?”

HARRY DU BOIS - “A first date?” he grins. 

YOU - “Try again,” you deadpan. 

HARRY DU BOIS - He goes quiet, and you know he’s thinking. After a few minutes pass, he says, “The start of something new.”

REALITY TOLERANCE [Legendary: Success] - It’s an answer you can live with, until you can live with a better one. Until you can accept fully what the two of you could be to each other.

VERITAS [Godly: Success] - You’re already everything. It hardly matters what you call it.

SATELLITE - Harry calls it love. In time, maybe you will be able to call it that too. 

YOU - Drift off with Harry snoring in your ear. It’s the best you’ve slept in months.