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Jungwon sits on the singular picnic table on the hospital roof. He’s intentionally sitting on the side facing away from the sky. While the view of the grossly modern building isn’t pretty, the sky pisses him off. How could nature make something so beautiful while being so cruel to him at the same time?
He scrolls on his phone, the short-form content fighting off his racing thoughts. He’s mindlessly swiping until an edit of his celebrity crush, Jay Park, appears. Having a mind of their own, his teeth lightly bite down on his bottom lip. How could someone have such perfect… everything? Jawline, biceps, waist, eyes…
The loud creak of the door makes him jolt. He instantly shuts his phone off and slams it on the table; nobody’s ever going to catch him watching edits of Jay. Ever.
His eyes flick to whoever’s walking in, and he freezes. He knows that man. He knows that jawline, knows those biceps, knows that waist, knows those eyes. It’s Jay.
Jay notices the startled look plastered on Jungwon’s face and stops walking. He brings a hand up to the back of his neck and rubs it awkwardly. “Sorry, am I bothering you?”
“No, no, no, no.” Jungwon profusely shakes his head. He shoves his nerves down, trying to play it cool. The last thing he wants is for Jay to see him freaking out. Then he’d think he’s weird. Jay would never talk to a weird fan. If Jay thinks he's weird, his dreams of getting an autograph would be shattered in an instant. “I’m just out here for fresh air. I don’t mind you being here. Or, um– I wouldn’t mind if anyone was here. Not just you.” He mentally slaps himself.
Jay laughs softly, “Good to know.” He takes a seat across from him and smiles warmly. Thankfully, he's not paying any mind to his painful awkwardness. “So, what brings you here?”
“Me?” He points at himself. God, who else? Dumbass. “I’m, uh…” He thinks for a moment, “visiting a friend. You?”
“Well…” Jay hesitates, trailing off. His gaze travels to the sky, and he marvels at it briefly before looking back at Jungwon. “Do you know who I am?” he blurts, changing the subject.
He blinks rapidly a few times, then an awkward chuckle escapes him. “Oh, uh, have we met before? I don’t think I know you…”
Jay raises his eyebrow. His eyes dart to Jungwon’s phone case, which holds a photocard of him. He hums skeptically and leans forward, placing his elbows on the table. “Really?”
“Oh my god.” Jungwon’s hand flies to his mouth. He looks at his phone, at Jay, back down, and up at Jay again. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want you to think I’m weird.”
“Weird?” he echoes. He chuckles, the sound deep and velvety. Jungwon almost passes out right there just from that alone. “What does it say about me if I find all of my fans weird? The only ones I don’t like are the rude ones.”
“Oh, phew.” His shoulders, which had been nearly up to his ears, relax.
Jay smiles. It’s a small, warm, and sweet smile. “So, what’s your name?”
“Jungwon! What’s your– I mean, I know yours. But…” He sighs, disappointed in himself for being so awkward. He looks down, not wanting to see Jay’s possibly judgmental expression.
“I’m Jay,” he says with a hearty laugh, judgment the last thing on his mind. “It’s nice to meet you, Jungwon.”
He extends his hand over the table. It takes a moment for Jungwon to process what he’s doing, but he eventually returns the gesture and shakes his hand. He pulls away fairly quickly out of respect, making another smile wash over Jay’s lips.
Jungwon’s phone starts buzzing, the vibrations making the flimsy table shake. He pouts slightly and sighs. He finally gets to meet his celebrity crush, but the moment’s cut short, like everything else in his life.
“Will you be here often?” Jay asks with a slight tilt of his head.
He nods. “Yeah. I visit my friend here all the time.”
“I’ll see you around, then,” he pushes back from the table and walks away to give him privacy.
Jungwon feels his heart sink and float simultaneously; he’s sad their meeting’s over, but Jay just said he’ll see him around. Jay. Jay Park. THE Jay. OH MY GOD.
Oh, right, his phone’s ringing. He turns it over to look at the caller ID: it’s Heeseung, his older brother.
“Nice of you to finally answer. I’m waiting outside. Hurry; there are a lot of cars here, and I don’t want anyone getting mad at me.”
“I’ll be down in a second,” Jungwon mutters. He stands up, his palms firm on the table for support as he wobbles slightly. Once he finds his ground, he heads for the elevator.
Two months prior.
In the dance studio at his local gym, Jungwon was drilling his dance routine over and over. For the first time since he had become a fan, Jay’s management team had announced an audition to become a backup dancer. When he saw it for the first time, he screamed so loud his dad almost kicked him out. Oops. He started learning the choreo immediately, and for the last month, he had spent at least an hour every day practicing.
Although he had over fifteen years of experience, this routine had been giving him more trouble than usual. He was tripping over himself constantly, and the moves were messy and lacked strength. Today, especially, he couldn’t do anything right. Anything.
After falling for what was probably the fifth time (he found that keeping track only made him more frustrated), he slammed his fist on the ground and yelled. Throbbing pain shot through his hand, but he paid no mind to it. How could a simple ball change trip him up so badly? It was like his muscles were giving up on him.
Heeseung, who had been weightlifting in the general area, came into the room. “Are you ready to–” he started, but cut himself short once his eyes landed on Jungwon. He rushed to his side. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I can’t do it,” he muttered, his voice shaky from oncoming tears. “I don’t know why, but I can’t do it.”
“Is it the leg thing again?” Heeseung asked softly. He kneeled and put an arm around his shoulder.
Jungwon nodded.
“I know you said you didn’t need to, but I think you should–”
His head snaps up.
“You should,” Heeseung continued, his eyes widening slightly. “See a doctor.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“It’s not that bad, or you don’t want to be told it’s bad?”
He stayed quiet.
The following day, Heeseung forced him to schedule a doctor’s appointment. While everything in him didn’t want to, he knew Heeseung was right: this was serious enough to warrant getting a doctor’s opinion. Plus, if it were something easily manageable, he could possibly get back to normal in time for the audition.
Fast forward a couple of weeks to the days following the appointment, and the doctor called with the blood test results. Based on that and his symptoms, they ordered him an MRI. He could have cared less about that, though. His world shattered when the doctor advised him against auditioning. Apparently, it could “worsen his symptoms,” and he was “not in the right state.”
Bullshit. No way was he going to listen. His body did, though. The more he practiced, the more he fell. The more time passed, the more strength left his body. The twitching in his legs, which he had purposefully ignored before, worsened, becoming so frequent that it interrupted his sleep.
The only silver lining was that Heeseung was always by his side. Although he was never that affectionate, he would hug Jungwon for hours while he cried. He would go out of his way to buy him his favorite snacks, and even took the time to make chocolate-covered strawberries. So, when he went to get the MRI, Heeseung’s company made the whole thing a little less scary. He offered to drive, too, which was more relieving than he knew. Jungwon refused to tell anyone, but driving had started giving him trouble, as well.
Getting the MRI wasn’t horrible, just long and uncomfortable. They told him they’d call with the results within a couple of weeks, but just two days later, he received a call to come in. Heeseung had to go to his job as a barista, so Jungwon had to go alone. He started going to doctor’s appointments alone a long time ago. After all, he was twenty; he was long past needing company. But now, he wished for anything but to be alone. The hospital seemed too big, and the halls he had walked countless times were too confusing. White, which covered way too much of the inner building, was suddenly his least favorite color. His limbs moved impossibly slow as if screaming at him to leave. And as he opened the door to the office, he was flooded with a sense of dread rather than the typical relief of getting things over with.
He doesn’t remember much of what happened next. The second he noticed the absence of his doctor’s usual warm grin, the world became hazy. He knows he heard “ALS.” He knows he heard something about some stupid mutation. Everything in him hopes he only recalls that because of the neurology class he took last semester, but he knows that’s not true. Of course, it’s not true. Why would that be true when the universe wants nothing but to strip him of every sense of happiness he has? First his mother, then his dancing and dreams, and now his life.
The second he was dismissed, he stormed to the roof. He threw open the door, saw he was alone, and collapsed on the cement ground. Tears crowded his eyes to the point he could barely see his own lap. His throat collapsed in on itself, each guttural sob making it seize. He doesn’t know how long he cried, but at some point, the tears stopped. Numbness filled his every sense, and he dragged himself to the picnic table, purposefully sitting on the side facing away from the sky. While the view of the grossly modern building wasn’t pretty, the sky pissed him off. How could nature make something so beautiful while being so cruel to him at the same time?
As Jungwon settles in the passenger seat of his brother’s car, he opens his mouth to blabber about meeting Jay, but Heeseung speaks before he can.
“So… what did they say?”
The euphoria of the previous moment vanishes, his earlier devastation taking its place. Right. He’s dying. He takes a shaky breath, already feeling the hint of a sob in the back of his throat.
He bluntly states, “I have ALS.”
Heeseung slams on the brakes. Luckily, they’re already approaching a red light. His head whips to face him.
“You’re kidding.”
Jungwon harshly bites down on his bottom lip, trying to distract the tears stinging his eyes. He shakes his head ever so slightly, but it’s enough for Heeseung to see.
“Is it the same as…?” Heeseung trails off.
Jungwon finishes his sentence, his tone harsher than he intends, “Mom? Yeah, it’s the same. The same thing that killed her.”
“Jungwon!”
“What?” he snaps. “It’s the truth.”
Heeseung turns up the music and starts driving. Despite the loudness of the stereo, they both feel the dense silence between them. Jungwon feels his heart screaming at him to apologize, but his mouth remains shut. He knows he’s wrong, that he stepped out of line. Although the feeling of being so wronged himself makes him feel justified.
The moment they get home, he rushes to his room and throws himself on the bed. His leg twitches. He rolls over onto his stomach. It twitches again. He rolls back around. Again. He turns onto his side, bringing his knees into his chest. Again.
“Goddamnit!” he screams. He clutches his pillow and chucks it at his leg. He picks it up and starts repeatedly slamming it down, biceps starting to ache with the effort.
His door shakes with a firm knock. He tosses the pillow onto the floor and stands up to unlock it. Throwing the door open, he’s met with Heeseung’s tear-stained face. His eyes are red and puffy, his hair is completely disheveled, and his lips are quivering. He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he wraps his arms around Jungwon and pulls him in close. His shaky hands grip his shirt as if he’ll vanish if he lets go.
Jungwon starts sobbing against his chest. He tightly hugs Heeseung’s waist in a silent plea for him never to let go. Please don't let go. “I’m so sorry,” he mutters, the sound muffled.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Heeseung whispers. He brings his hand up to his head and gently pats it. “It’s okay.”
The doctors have advised Jungwon to start physical therapy as soon as possible to maintain his mobility, so the next day, he comes into the hospital again. He’s not upset about this, however—not in the slightest. Heeseung suggests he schedule a later appointment so they can go together, but Jungwon insists on going alone to “make things easier” (In reality, he just wants to see Jay). He almost tells him about how they met, but decides to keep quiet. Having a secret like this will make the last of his life a little more fun.
Physical therapy is better than he expected. He has great conversations with all of the workers, and it excites him that he knows what they’re doing (he’s in his third year of his major in physiology). Physical therapy was his plan B behind dance, but it still disappoints him that he’ll never be able to pursue it. At least he gets a taste of it now.
Once the session’s over, he races to the roof. He takes the stairs to be faster, but his legs give out sooner than normal. His quads burn with the fire that an intense set of squats would give him, tensing like he’s nearing failure. It makes the reality of the situation set in a little, but his mind’s too occupied with Jay to care. The door to the roof finally comes into view, and it shines like the holy grail. If he were told a vault of gold lies behind it, he’d be convinced. Well, maybe. Jay’s more valuable than that.
He pushes it open, the corners of his mouth starting to ache with how hard he’s smiling. It vanishes quickly. Jay’s not here. He walks a few steps forward and spins around, scanning every inch of the place. To his utter disappointment, he’s really not here. His shoulders droop with a disappointed sigh.
“Looking for me?”
Jungwon whips around and sees Jay walking toward him. His giddy grin returns immediately. He tries to suppress it, but it’s no use; he’s too happy. THE Jay Park came back to see him. Oh my god.
“Of course not. I definitely wasn’t looking for you,” he scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Uh huh…” Jay raises his eyebrow and smirks, making his faint dimple come to light. “Your smile says otherwise.”
He looks down at his smile, and Jungwon’s heart explodes. He’s not flirting. He’s definitely not flirting. They met yesterday. Of course, he’s not flirting. But he’s looking at his lips… No, it’s just his smile. He’s just looking at the smile.
“How’s your friend?” Jay interrupts his racing thoughts, which he’s internally grateful for.
At first, he’s a little confused. What friend? How does Jay know his friends? Ohhhh… the “friend” he made up. “Oh, yeah, he’s doing better. I went with him to his physical therapy session.”
Jay tilts his head. “Oh, really? How was that?”
“Really fun! I’m in school for physical therapy right now, so it was cool to experience that.”
“You are?”
Jungwon nods enthusiastically. “Mhm! Well, it’s not my first choice, but I’m in school just in case dance doesn’t work out.”
“You’re a dancer?” Jay’s eyebrows raise. After Jungwon nods again, he adds, “Did you happen to audition to be one of my backup dancers?”
“Oh, well, I was going to, but then…” he trails off. He still doesn’t know where the boundaries lie. It’d sour the mood if he told the truth. Plus, it’ll be nice to forget his situation with one person, at least. “I couldn’t afford the entrance fee.”
Jay pouts. “Dang, really? Well, maybe if you show me what you’ve got, I can pull some strings and get you in.” He winks, which he really shouldn’t do, because that’s dangerous. A wink like that could kill somebody. That somebody being Jungwon.
“Maybe,” he laughs awkwardly, waving his hand in dismissal.
“I’d love to see it one day. Let me know.”
“I don’t really dance that much anymore…” he says with a frown. He’d hate to promise a dance but end up unable to do it. His legs are getting worse unpredictably fast.
“Then…” Jay thinks for a moment. He tilts his head slightly and presses his lips together. Jungwon finds this unbearably attractive, but he wouldn’t dare to say that out loud. “Do you sing?”
“Me? Sing? In front of you?”
“What, you’re scared?” he teases.
Jungwon scoffs. “Not at all! Except, um, I am. I’ve always wanted to sing, but never really got into it. Dance took up too much time.”
“Would you like private lessons?”
The question replays in his mind. Did he hear that right? Did he die already and go to heaven? Or did he sleep through his alarm, and this is a really vivid dream?
“I’m serious,” Jay chuckles, catching onto his shock. Though it’s not that hard when Jungwon’s mouth is hanging open completely.
He squeezes his eyes shut for a couple of seconds. If this is a dream, he’ll open his eyes, and Jay will be gone.
One… two… three.
He opens them. This is not a dream; he’s still there.
“Really?!” he squeals. His expression falls slightly as he internally curses himself for being so embarrassing.
“So, yes or no?”
“I’d love to!. I mean, um, yeah.”
“Do mornings work for you? My studio’s full for the rest of the day.”
Jungwon nods, a stupid grin plastered on his face.
“Perfect.” Jay reaches into his pocket and grabs his phone. He hands it to him. “Can I get your number? So I can contact you about when to meet?”
“I– you– um– yeah!”
He gently takes the phone and types in his number. He checks it over four times to make absolutely sure that it’s right. When he hands it back, their fingers brush against each other, and he internally screams. He curses himself again for being so crazy… He had sworn never to be such a crazy fan, but here he is. Oh well. You only live once, and since he’s not living much longer, he might as well enjoy it.
“I do have to get going, but I’ll be here at the same time the day after tomorrow if you’re here.”
Jungwon smiles warmly. “Yeah, I’ll be here. See you then.”
“See you.”
The second the door closes, Jungwon’s hands fly to his mouth. He quietly shrieks into them.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.”
Jay texts him that night during dinner. Jungwon has to use all of his effort not to jump up and scream. Although his lips curve into a smile despite his attempts to keep them still.
“What are you so happy about?” Heeseung asks, raising his eyebrow.
“I, um, well… Jay posted something.”
He rolls his eyes. “What is it with you and Jay, gosh? I’ll never get your celebrity obsession.”
“Obsession?! Excuse me, I am not obsessed with him. I just really like his music and happen to find him attractive. The attractive part is a coincidence.”
“Sure, sure…”
Jungwon rushes to finish his food so he can text Jay back. It’s nothing much, just a hello and asking about his availability, but that’s something. He responds as soon as he can. He reads it over after he sends it and realizes he used way too many exclamation points, but what’s done is done. Jay replies nearly immediately, asking him if he’s free on Saturday for the first singing lesson. His heart almost leaps out of his chest. He has to pinch himself as another reminder he’s not dreaming.
Two months pass by in a blur, and it’s now early June. Jay stopped going to the hospital after a couple of weeks. He didn’t say why, though, and Jungwon felt he’d overstep if he asked. He would have been disappointed, except they still see each other; every Wednesday and Saturday, they have a two-hour-long vocal lesson. Because his voice has never been amazing, Jungwon dreaded them at first, but kept going because of Jay. He improved rapidly, though, and Jay insisted he should become a singer (he figured he was just saying that to be nice, but he did seem genuine).
He never imagined he’d get to meet Jay, let alone get so close to him. A good portion of their lessons is just them talking about whatever’s on their mind. One day, Jay went on a twenty-minute rant about F1. Jungwon didn’t understand a bit of it, but he happily listened. In his words, whatever you say, gorgeous.
The only downside of their lessons is that Jungwon can’t drive himself. His coordination has rapidly deteriorated, and the muscle twitching only makes things worse. He refuses to ask Heeseung, either; this is still his own precious secret. He has managed to play it off by saying he signed up for a summer class and that his friend offered to drive him to a cafe every Wednesday and Saturday to study. In reality, his “friend” is just an Uber. Getting one there and back two times a week is pricey, to say the least. Oh well! Going to one of Jay’s concerts would cost more than all of these combined.
Today’s no different than the others. It’s a slightly warm, cloudy Saturday. The lesson has gone by way too fast for Jungwon’s liking; an hour has already passed.
“Want to take a five-minute break?” Jay asks once Jungwon finishes a run-through of the latest song they’ve been working on, Highway 1009.
Jungwon clears his throat. “Yeah.” Speaking has gotten harder lately, and so has singing. He’s been trying his best to hide it, but with Jay taking more and more breaks, he thinks he can tell.
“I want to ask you something.” Jay swivels around his chair so that he’s directly facing him. He’s smiling softly. The sight makes his heart race the same as it did the first day he saw it.
He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Okay, what is it?”
“So, I know I’ve told you, but I can’t do next week’s lesson because of my concert…”
“Uh huh.”
“Do you want to go?”
Jungwon gasps excitedly. “Wait, what? Really?!”
“You’re–” Jay cuts himself off. He clears his throat, looking to the side. “I have a few VIP tickets for friends and family. Since they don’t live around here, I still have them. Would you like one?”
“Oh my god, I’d love to go. I’ve always wanted to go to one of your concerts.”
“Why haven’t you?” He scoots slightly closer.
Jungwon shrugs sadly. “I’ve never been able to get a ticket. Even when I’ve had the money, your concerts always sell out first thing.”
“Well, now’s your chance.” His smile widens, somehow becoming even warmer. Jungwon didn’t know that was possible. “I’ll transfer one to you tonight.”
“Thank you so much. Seriously, you don’t know how much this means to me.”
Jay really doesn’t know. Jungwon still refuses to tell him about… yeah. He doesn’t want Jay to pity him or to baby him like Heeseung does now. He gets it, but he’s still a mostly functioning adult. He despises being treated differently just because of some disease he didn’t ask for. Heeseung even stopped teasing him as much, and it’s unbearable. It’s like their entire dynamic changed.
Jay, though, doesn’t hold back. He doesn’t treat him like fine china destined to break. The two make fun of each other constantly, and for the dumbest things, too. Jungwon’s voice cracked a little over a month ago, and it’s still mentioned at least twice per practice. If he opens up, this could crumble. Jay could even go as far as to call off their lessons so that he could rest. Until his body deteriorates, he is going to maintain some sense of normalcy with Jay.
“It’s no problem. I…” Jay takes a deep breath. “I really wanted you there.”
Jungwon’s lungs empty, and all words fail him. He tries to hold back his flusteredness, but based on how hot his face feels, he can tell it’s bright red. Jay’s not flirting. He’s NOT. There’s no way he is.
“Well, um, should we continue the lesson?”
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s, uh– Yeah.”
The concert comes way too fast. Jungwon barely has any time to prepare an outfit. He knows Jay’s seen him countless times at this point, but he still wants to dress to impress. Jay’s going to be in his stage outfit, only a few feet away from him… oh my god. He’s dreamed of going to one of his concerts for years, so he has clothes prepared. The only issue is the shoes. His legs are worsening by the day; there’s no way he can trust himself to stand for that long. He ends up buying thigh-high boots to wear under his pants. He and Heeseung reinforce them with duct tape and bandages (Heeseung is under the impression that Jungwon won a raffle for the ticket).
As Heeseung drops him off at the venue, he shifts to turn toward him. “Are you sure you’ll be okay for a couple of hours? I brought a crutch if you need it. It’s in the trunk.”
“I’ll be fine,” Jungwon mumbles, but something in him tells him he won’t be. The muscle twitches have been getting worse, and sometimes they’re enough to knock him over if he’s not paying attention. He sighs. He’ll have to come up with a good excuse if Jay asks him about it. “Okay, I’ll take it just in case, I guess.”
Heeseung visibly relaxes, a loud sigh of relief passing through his lips. “Be safe, okay? And have fun.”
“I will,” he smiles. Although his worry annoys him, sometimes, he appreciates it. He wouldn’t trade Heeseung for the world.
He grabs the crutch and heads inside. For the first couple of steps, he mutters about how he doesn’t need it and that it’s stupid. Way too quickly, though, he starts to wobble and is forced to rely on it. Maybe this disease is actually happening. He’s actually dying.
For now, though, he’s more alive than ever. He gets to see Jay, THE Jay, perform live. He’s heard his singing in person, which he’ll never forget, but a concert is a whole different experience. A couple of years ago, he got to see an &team concert, and if this is anything like that, he might pass out from overexcitement.
Walking up to the barricade is like nothing he’s ever experienced. His heart feels like it’s floating way above his body in a place he’s never seen. His eyes are wide, flooded with nothing but awe. Jay’s music videos are playing on the stage’s screen, and astonishment fills him just like it did the first time he watched them.
“Wow…” he mutters.
His leg buckles under him, but he catches himself on the crutch. As if that were Jay’s cue, his shadow appears at the back of the stage. The stadium erupts into ear-shattering cheers. Jungwon’s own throat is already burning from how loud he’s screaming. Euphoria spreads over his entire body, almost making his limbs shake. He’s never been more alive.
The first song starts, and Jay’s beautiful voice echoes throughout the venue. On the first syllable, everything else goes quiet. He becomes Jungwon’s entire world: the only thing he can see, the only thing he can hear. Jay looks at him, and a smile washes over his lips. He immediately turns his attention back to the rest of the crowd, but Jungwon saw it. If nature created Jay, maybe it isn’t so bad after all.
Although Jungwon could swear he’s been paying full attention, the concert flies by. Each song touches his heart all the same, the wonder making everything a blur of emotion.
Jay’s taking a slight break from singing, talking to the crowd.
“I hate to say it, but tonight’s already coming to an end.”
Everyone boos, including Jungwon. This concert has been too short.
How fitting, he thinks. The thought is quickly punted away; now is not the time.
“I know, I know. I’m sad, too.” He pouts. “But we’re gonna finish this strong, am I right?! Go big or go fucking home!” As he yells, he throws his head back, the stadium lights illuminating his Adam's apple.
Jungwon’s throat lights on fire with how loud he shrieks. Combined with the rest of the stadium, though, he can’t even hear himself. He’s found Jay hot from day one, but he’s never been sexier than now. Wow.
The next song starts. It’s Jungwon’s favorite: Drunk Dazed. The first line comes up, but Jay’s not singing. His head is buried in his elbow, and he’s… coughing? Gagging? His arm lowers, and Jungwon’s heart seizes. Blood is covering his sleeve. Before he can even process it, Jay’s body goes limp and slams into the floor of the stage. The stadium goes quiet.
Jungwon lets go of his crutch and lunges forward to go to Jay, but quickly stops himself. He knows he can’t do anything; he'll be stopped by security before he can even touch the stage. He steps back, biting his lip as he watches the backstage staff rush to Jay’s side. His throat squeezes in on itself. He brings a hand up to it as his chest heaves, desperately trying to breathe. Panic pollutes his veins and courses through his entire body. Security starts to force everyone out, but he stays put. The staff yell at him, but they're nothing but muffled voices. As he’s pushed forward, his eyes remain glued to Jay.
That night, Jungwon calls Jay three times, but there’s no response. His thumb hovers over the call button to try a fourth time, but he decides against it. It’s not like they’re dating. He’s just… Jay’s client. He sighs and tosses his phone on his pillow. He’ll find out what happened soon enough.
To get his mind off of it, he goes into the basement to dance. Dance always clears his mind. He puts on Black Swan, one of his favorite songs and choreos. The delicate melody instantly calms him down, and he feels the stress leave his body as his limbs turn to water. When he’s dancing, he feels like he’s walking in the clouds. Nothing’s around him but the open sky, and he’s lighter than air. He’s free.
He loses his balance, crashing into the carpet. His arm slides along it, and the stinging pain of a rugburn erupts. He turns over and lies on his stomach. He folds his arms, resting his forehead on them. For once, he doesn’t cry. Tears don’t even fill his eyes. He just lies there, eyes closed, body heavy. Of course, nature had to remind him that they don’t get along. They never have, and they never will. Stupid fucking nature.
The next morning, Jungwon eagerly checks his phone to see if Jay said anything. There’s nothing. He slams it back down on his nightstand and throws his covers over himself. Sleep overtakes him fairly quickly, pulling him into the one place his bad luck doesn’t exist.
His phone buzzing wakes him up. He snatches it, and his eyes light up as he sees Jay’s name across the screen. He instantly answers the call.
“Jay, oh my god, is everything okay?!”
His groggy voice sounds on the other line, “I’m… I don’t know. I have a lot to tell you. Can you come to the hospital?”
“The hospital?” he echoes, his voice low. His chest tightens. He pulls his collar away from his throat, suddenly feeling suffocated.
“Please?” Jay adds.
Jungwon’s never heard him sound like that. He sounds so soft, so weak. His usual confidence is completely gone, and he sounds almost desperate, like a pleading puppy.
“I’m coming. I promise.”
Heeseung is completely thrown off guard when Jungwon barges into his room, begging to be driven to the hospital. He doesn’t question it, though. He’s never seen him so frantic.
Jungwon’s a patient person. He’s always been. But right now, everything’s pissing him off. It’s 11:00 am on a Monday. Why the hell is there so much traffic? Why is the person in front of them going ten miles under the speed limit? Why is this music so loud? Shit, now it’s too quiet. Why is everything going wrong?
He barely says bye once Heeseung parks. He throws the door open and sprints inside. He tries to, at least. With how weak his legs are, he can barely manage a hobbled jog. Of course, Jay’s on the top floor, too. Nothing goes his way. Absolutely fucking nothing. And for some reason, everyone and their mother is on the elevator and needs to stop on every single floor. Was Jungwon some kind of supervillain in his past life?
He finally, finally, reaches Jay’s room. He pauses briefly at the door, but his overthinking isn’t enough to hold him back. He opens it slowly, not wanting to startle him. Jay’s sitting on the hospital bed, staring out the window. His hands are folded politely in his lap, and his shoulders are slightly hunched over. An IV is in his arm, and it makes Jungwon’s stomach churn. He’s fine with needles, blood, all of those things, but seeing someone he cares about like that strikes an all-too-familiar hurt within him.
“Jay?” he calls out softly.
His head quickly turns in his direction. A weak smile washes over his lips, but it’s warm nonetheless.
“You came.”
“Of course, I did. I promised.”
He pulls a chair up to his bedside and sits down.
“So, about what I wanted to tell you.” Jay takes a deep breath. The heart rate monitor starts beeping a little faster. “I have… well, I–” He sighs. “It’s a lot.”
“And I’m okay with a lot. I’m here for you.” Jungwon fidgets with his thumbs and presses his lips together. “I know we haven’t known each other that long, but I hope you consider me a friend. I think of you as one.”
The ends of his lips curve up slightly. “Of course, I do.” He sighs again, and his smile fades. He doesn’t meet his eye. “I have cancer.”
Jungwon’s heart drops. His eyes gloss over with tears before he knows. A year’s worth of time stretches between them. Jay stares at his lap, his own tears falling onto his hands. If someone were to look at him, they’d think he’s sitting still, but Jungwon notices the slight shake in his body. “You do?”
“You know,” Jay starts, his head raising slightly but his gaze remaining down. “I thought you’d get mad at me for not telling you.”
“I can’t be mad at you. I know why you wouldn’t tell me.”
“How could you know?” he snaps. Nearly instantly, he gasps, and he finally looks at him. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean–”
“I’m dying, too.”
Jay’s jaw drops. He blinks in disbelief, as if the man in front of him isn’t real. “You’re what?” he whispers. Maybe if he says it quietly, if he doubts the truth, it’ll be nothing more than a cruel prank. God, he hopes it is.
“I have ALS,” Jungwon says bluntly, not knowing how else to say it. How else could he say it? What could he do to soften the blow that his life has been cut short?
They meet each other’s gaze for the first time since he walked in. Jay’s heart monitor beeps softly in the background, filling the quietness of the room. Although no sound travels between them, a sea of emotions stretches across the space. It reaches both of their hearts, and they know it, they see it, and they feel it.
Jay forces himself to speak. The sound is croaky at first, nothing more than an unintelligible hum. “How long do you…”
“I don’t know.” Jungwon shrugs. “They said it could be two years. If I’m lucky, ten. If I’m not, one. Maybe five.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. How about, um, you?”
“They told me that if everything goes well, probably a little over a year. Surgery could help with that, but I don’t really want it.”
“Why not?”
“It scares me,” Jay admits honestly. He looks down at his lap again. “They said it’s risky, and it might not help. And if I get it, it makes things more real. I still don’t really believe this.”
“I’m the same way. I want to say get it, but I know I wouldn’t if I were you.”
Jay sighs again and looks over at Jungwon. His eyes soften instantly, and he smiles once again. “Thank you for being here.”
“Like I said, I promised.” He returns the same smile. The urge to hold his hand pops up in his mind, but he shoves it down.
“That’s not what I meant,” Jay shakes his head lightly. “Thank you for being here. For me, with me. It’s nice to not be alone.”
Jungwon chuckles softly, “Thank you, too. You’re the first person who isn’t babying me about this. It’s nice.”
Jay was let out of the hospital that night. He fainted due to stomach ulcers caused by his pancreatic cancer, so they gave him a few medications and sent him on his way. Although Jungwon was slightly hesitant at first because of Jay’s worsening condition, they planned to meet on Wednesday for their lesson as usual.
“I’m surprised you never took on singing. You’re a natural,” Jay says.
Jungwon laughs, “A natural, or was I just trained by one of the best singers out there?”
“Don’t say that.” He waves his hand, his cheeks turning slightly pink from embarrassment. He clears his throat. “Anyway, you said a couple weeks ago you always wanted to learn guitar, so… how about I teach you today?”
“Really?!” Jungwon gasps, his face lighting up. His eyes sparkle like the night sky, filled with nothing but wonder.
Jay walks over to a large cabinet in the back of the studio. Jungwon peers in and sees a collection of various guitars. One of them is bright red, another black, and another- He grabs one, a standard “this is what a guitar looks like” one, and shuts the cabinet before Jungwon can examine the rest. Although it’s simple, the intricate wood and unique shape scream “expensive.”
“Are you sure I can use that one?” His pitch rises slightly out of nervousness.
“Of course,” Jay grins, handing the guitar to him.
He takes it as gently as he can and cradles it like a newborn child. Jay brings a fist to his mouth, trying to suppress his laughter. It’s facing the complete wrong way.
“What?” Jungwon raises his eyebrow. He adjusts the instrument, putting on a smug look as if he knows what he’s doing (he doesn’t). His wrist is bent awkwardly, pressed flush against the neck of the guitar. His elbow stiffly juts out like the broken wing of a bird.
“Let me help,” Jay chuckles.
He brings his chair next to him and reaches over to flip the guitar around in his arms. Jungwon’s breath hitches as Jay adjusts his fingers. Each small touch sends sparks flying up his arm, and he internally prays it’s not noticeable. He looks over and sees Jay staring down intently, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed in a slight pout. He’s oblivious to the intimacy of the moment, to how Jungwon’s heartbeat is dangerously high.
His eyes suddenly flick up to meet Jungwon’s. The tension in his expression leaves, his eyebrows raising and his jaw relaxing. He draws in a sharp inhale through his nose, all too aware of how close the two of them are.
He clears his throat and looks back down, “So, um… I’ll start by teaching you a few chords.”
The longer the lesson drags on, the less Jungwon’s able to take in what Jay’s saying. He can only focus on the strange stiffness of his fingers, how it feels like they’re filled with clay. He’s trying to strum the guitar and place his fingers correctly, desperately trying, but his body’s refusing to listen. It’s like a dream where running feels impossibly slow.
Jay shows him another chord, and he stretches his pointer finger down. That’s what he tries to do, anyway. It only weakly rises a fraction of an inch. Frustration starts to fill Jungwon’s mind, and his hand tightly squeezes around the neck of the guitar. He stares down at the ground as he takes a deep breath.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Jay asks. He gently sets down his second guitar (which he had grabbed earlier so he could demonstrate properly) and scoots his chair closer.
Jungwon mutters, “Nothing, nothing.” He’s one wrong word away from snapping, either into a fit of sobs or yelling, and he’s not willing to test it out.
“Talk to me.”
Screw Jay’s stupidly smooth voice. Screw his perfect smile. Screw how everything about him makes Jungwon want to open up when he knows he shouldn’t. This guy sucks.
“I–” That was the one wrong word. Barely one syllable leaves his throat, and the tears are already falling. As if crying in front of his celebrity crush wasn’t embarrassing enough, his sobs are coming out in choked croaks. His body jolts on each one, every part of him shaking. He leans forward to make the tears fall in his lap instead of on the guitar.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Jay whispers. He carefully takes the guitar from his arms and lays it on the floor. He sits back up, puts an arm around him, and guides him to lean against his shoulder.
Jungwon instantly curls in toward him and buries his face in his chest, mostly to hide his ugly crying. Sobs continue to rack through every inch of his body. His breathing comes in desperate, uneven gasps.
“I’m here,” Jay reassures, putting a hand on his back. It moves in slow, gentle circles.
The rhythm of it starts to calm him down, and soon, the crying subsides. He stays leaning against Jay, his forehead pressed firmly against his chest. In a normal moment, he’d be freaking out, but all he can focus on now is his breathing. And the muscle twitches in his limbs. God, how he hates those.
Jay’s hand slides off his back and snakes up to grab his chin. He guides it up, forcing Jungwon to look at him.
“Are you okay?” he whispers. His hand moves to cup his cheek.
Jungwon draws in a shaky breath. He closes his eyes as he slowly exhales through pursed lips. When he opens them again, his breathing abruptly stops. When did Jay get so close?
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” he mutters. His first instinct is to pull away, but Jay’s hand on his cheek holds him in place.
Jay notices his hesitation. He realizes how many lines he’s crossing. But his hand stays in place. He can feel the warmth of Jungwon’s face in his palm; it’s like Christmas morning. His eyes still sparkle like they did the first day they met. And his lips…
“Jay…?”
He inhales deeply. “Can I?”
Jungwon furrows his eyebrows. “Can you…?” As he trails off, he notices the way Jay’s looking at him, the way his gaze is slightly down. His eyes dart to his lips as well, and he nods slowly. Then, right as his eyes close, he feels those lips on his own. It’s like kissing a cloud, the softness making his heart melt.
He can’t savor it for long, though, as Jay moves away fairly fast. Jungwon looks up, about to ask why he stopped, but then he sees just how red he is. His face is turned away, and his fist is covering his mouth. If his body language didn’t already give it away, even his ears are bright red.
“Oh my god,” Jungwon quietly laughs. “Are you blushing?”
“No!” Jay insists, his head turning more to the side.
“Then why are you hiding your face?”
“I’m not.”
Jungwon raises his eyebrow. “Come on, really?”
“Yep. I’m acting perfectly normal.”
Just like that, they started dating. At first, Jungwon wanted to take things slow. He’s never been the type to rush into anything, especially not a relationship after knowing someone for two months (even though he’s been a diehard fan for years…). Jay had to remind him of their cruel reality: slow isn’t possible anymore. He hates hearing that. He hates hearing that his time is limited, much more than everyone else. But even though their love will be temporary, he will cherish it like it’s everlasting. Even the most delicious meals grow old if eaten too frequently.
His only problem with the relationship was bringing it up to Heeseung. To say he was surprised is a complete understatement. At first, he laughed and told him to stop joking. Then, he got concerned. He started worrying that Jungwon had some brain disease, too.
“Do I need to take you to a psychiatrist?” he had asked.
It took Jungwon FaceTime calling Jay for him to actually believe it. Even then, he barely did. If Jungwon took a shot every time Heeseung asked, “Are you really dating Jay?”, he’d have alcohol poisoning. Once Jay started coming over, though, he warmed up quickly. Their dad quickly took a liking to him, as well (he was a secret fan but always refused to admit it).
One day, now in the middle of August, they’re sitting in Jungwon’s room, lying side by side on the bed.
“You know, I was wondering when you’re going to tell your fans.”
Jay turns onto his side to face him. “About what?”
Jungwon just sighs, and he knows immediately.
“Oh… yeah.” He turns back onto his back. “I don’t know. I still have fans coming up to me after shows to ask about that fainting thing a couple months ago. I don’t think they bought the excuse that I didn’t eat enough.”
After a short pause, Jungwon takes a deep breath. “I think you should. And… I think maybe it’s time to take a break.” He looks over at him, his lips sadly pressed together.
“What are you saying?” Jay asks, although he knows exactly what he means. Over these last couple of months, he’s gotten exponentially worse. His stomach hurts all the time. He’s gotten extremely weak, and he’s lost ten pounds without trying. He tries to eat, but nothing ever sounds good, and he usually hurls it up later.
Jungwon hates to tell Jay he’s getting worse, but so is he. Much to his dismay, he has to carry a crutch with him wherever he goes. He can’t even manage to do the first few seconds of any dance routine anymore, and that kills him more than the disease does. If it weren’t for Jay, he likely would have holed himself in his room and waited for the end. He didn’t let him give up, though. Instead, he encouraged him to find other creative outlets, so Jungwon continued to sing and started painting. His upper body isn’t as weak as his legs, so he’s able to manage a little bit at a time.
“Yeah, you’re right,” Jay sighs. He doesn’t return Jungwon’s gaze. If he does, he knows he’ll cry, and he still wants to remain strong for him. At least until he can’t anymore.
Jungwon suddenly chuckles, the sound of his loud laughter forcing the sadness to run away. “You know, I think dying in summer would suck. Imagine you’re getting buried and your body’s all mushy.”
“What?” Jay breaks out into a smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling. He laughs so hard his stomach starts to ache.
“I think I have a point, don’t you think?”
“Maybe.”
“Come on, tell me I’m right.” Jungwon pokes his shoulder, digging his finger into his skin. This is their agreed-upon alternative for tickling, since that always makes Jay’s pain worse.
Jay laughs and grabs his shoulder. “Ow! That hurt so bad. How could you?” Despite his complaints, he’s still laughing. He turns over completely so he’s fully facing Jungwon, who follows suit.
“It did not hurt, you wimp.” This time, he pokes his nose.
“It did. Like a lot. I think you need to kiss me to make up for it.”
Jungwon wrinkles his nose in pretend disgust. “Kiss… you? Gross. I’d never do that.” Without waiting for Jay to respond, he leans forward and presses a small peck onto his nose.
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean…?” he asks with a raised eyebrow and a smug smirk.
Jay brings his arm to the back of his neck and pulls him in close, pressing a firm kiss to his lips. He feels Jungwon smiling against him, which prompts his own grin. Although they’ve kissed countless times at this point, his stomach still flips every single time. His heart still races. His cheeks still flush. The same spark as the first one is still there.
Jungwon breaks away first, giggling too hard to continue.
“Did I make you flustered?” Jay teases.
He scoffs and crosses his arms over his chest, “No way.”
Jay leans in closer to the point that his breath is dancing across Jungwon’s lips. “Really?”
“Oh my god.” Jungwon puts both hands over his face and turns over. In the cracks between his fingers, Jay can see that his skin is completely red.
Leaning back, Jay’s lips curve into a smug smile. He loves having this effect on him. While watching his flustered fit of giggles, he feels his heart swell. It’s been a long time since he’s felt this way toward someone, and he can confidently say it’ll be the last.
“I love you.”
Jungwon freezes. His hands return to his sides. “What?”
“I said I love you.” He regrets saying it now, really regrets it. “If you don’t feel the same, you don’t have to say it back, I mean–”
“I love you.”
“You do?!”
“Of course I do,” Jungwon chuckles. He smiles warmly, his eyes twinkling like a Christmas tree. “I really do.”
Jay pulls him into a tight hug, and he instantly returns it. They lie like that for a while. The sun eventually sets, bathing the room in a sea of darkness. Just as Jungwon feels the lull of sleep, Jay speaks up.
“You know, thinking about it, I wouldn’t want to die in summer, either.”
“I knew I was right,” Jungwon softly chuckles, tiredness laced in his tone.
“I think–” Jay inhales deeply. He subconsciously squeezes Jungwon a little tighter. “Well, I’ve thought about it before. Ideally, I’d die after Christmas but before New Year’s.”
The sudden seriousness makes Jungwon lift his head from his chest to face him directly. His forehead wrinkles in concern, and his lips curve into a slight frown. He doesn’t want to think about Jay dying. Not yet.
“I’ve always really liked Christmas,” Jay continues. He looks over him at the opposite wall, avoiding his gaze. “It’d be nice to die right after my last one. That way, I still get all my presents,” he laughs, although there’s not much humor in it. “But I have to die before New Year’s. That way, the, um, the people I leave behind still have something to look forward to and don’t just think about me… y’know.”
A lump forms in Jungwon’s throat, and he struggles to get any words out. He tries, but all that comes is a strained breath. How can Jay talk about dying so casually? Yeah, Jungwon did, but it was a joke. If this is a joke, it’s a pretty fucking mean one.
“Please stop,” he whispers.
Jay finally looks at him with tear-filled eyes. He pulls him in close again. “I’m sorry,” he whispers as he softly strokes his hair.
They don’t say anything else for a while.
Despite every effort to savor each moment, summer turns into fall, and fall bleeds into winter. Jay got worse. Fast. In mid-October, his pain became unbearable. As if his house became reduced to nothing but his bed, he stayed there nearly every hour of every day. Jungwon was there more than at his own house. He even dropped out of school to take care of him. Not like it mattered; he won’t live long enough to graduate.
Jay refused to be hospitalized. Every time Jungwon brought it up, he’d shut it down immediately. He tried to argue it was for the money, but with his success as a rock star, that wasn’t an issue. Jungwon continued to insist. Every day, he would bring it up. Every hour, he’d mention it.
“Jay, this isn’t–” Jungwon frustratedly sighs, running a hand through his hair. “You’re miserable here. The hospital will help you. They’ll relieve some of the pain.”
“But…” Jay starts. He looks at him, and it makes Jungwon’s throat tighten. Behind those eyes, those beautiful brown eyes he’s fallen in love with, is sadness. Not any kind he’s seen before. It feels final. Too final.
He continues, “If I go, then–” He sniffles, starting to choke up. “Then I might not come back.”
Jungwon stays silent. He knows Jay’s supposed to have a few months left. The doctor had told him directly. But doctors also told him he’d be able to walk perfectly fine for at least half a year. He lost that ability long ago.
“Don’t say that, Jay. You’ll be able to–”
“Will I, Jungwon? You don’t know that. Don’t tell me things you don’t know.”
“Jay…” he mutters. His hand, which had been resting on Jay’s shin, shifts slightly. “I’m just trying to be optimistic.”
“Optimistic? What the hell about this is optimistic to you?” Jay scoffs. He folds his arms over his chest and looks away.
Jungwon tries to caress his leg through the blanket, but he pulls it away. “Please don’t be like this.”
He takes a few deep, shaky breaths, his chest puffing out. The bed creaks as he brings his legs up to his chest. “I think I need to be alone for a bit.”
“What…?”
“Please go, Jungwon.”
A quiet “okay” escapes him as he stands up. He grabs his crutches and hobbles to the door. He turns back to look at Jay, but he’s facing the other direction with his eyes closed.
“I love you,” Jungwon says, his voice so soft it’s a mere breath.
Jay doesn’t say it back.
A few hours pass, and it’s radio silence. Jungwon texts him multiple times to check in without a reply. Every fiber of his being is screaming at him to go back, to clear things up, but he’s unsure if it’s that or just his muscles twitching. He turns his phone on do not disturb to keep himself from going insane.
For the last couple of months, Jungwon has been working on a painting of amaranth flowers. It’s an extremely slow work of progress since his hands have been cooperating less and less, but it’s progress nonetheless. He goes over to where it lies on the easel in his bedroom, his eyes taking in every intricate detail. He hasn’t started the background (which he should have done first…), but something feels fitting about the bright maroon of the flowers being the only color so far. Jay has told him a few times that he wants amaranth to be planted at his grave. He asked why, but only got a cheeky smile in response. He loves that smile too much to question it.
He sits down in front of the easel and reaches for his brush, but as he does, the door swings open. With a loud crash, it slams against the wall behind it. Jungwon yelps in surprise and whips around. Heeseung’s in the doorway, looking panicked.
“Jay called. He said you weren’t picking up. He needs help. Now.”
“What?!” Jungwon springs up. Somehow, the knowledge that his legs aren’t fully functioning hasn’t hit him yet. He stumbles, barely catching himself on the bed before crashing into the floor. Heeseung reaches over to help, but Jungwon’s crutch is already in hand, and he’s on his way to the car.
When they get there, Jay’s writhing in pain on his bed. A splatter of blood is on the pillow, right by his mouth.
Jungwon rushes to his side. “Babe?”
Jay mutters something, but it’s unintelligible.
“I’ll get him to the car, okay?” Heeseung says, politely pushing Jungwon to the side. “Wait in the car; I’ll be there soon.”
He doesn’t even know how he got to the car, but in what felt like a split second later, he’s in the backseat with Jay’s head on his lap. He caresses his hair, whispering words of reassurance. They’re more to himself than Jay, and he knows it.
Jay mutters something again, and he leans down to hear it, tilting his head so his ear is by Jay’s mouth.
“I’m really sorry.”
“Jay, Jay, Babe, don’t say sorry. I get it. I understand what you were saying.”
“But I pushed you away,” he says, his lips quivering. “I pushed the love of my life away.”
Jungwon leans down, closes his eyes, and kisses him softly. It’s brief and gentle, like a whisper in the dead of night, but every emotion he’s felt for the last seven months is poured into that kiss. A tear rolls down his cheek, landing in the middle of Jay’s.
“I’m not mad at you,” he whispers. “You did nothing wrong.”
Jay’s promptly hospitalized for the foreseeable future. Some of his doctors introduced themselves as palliative care physicians. He didn’t quite know what that meant, but Jungwon did. He wished he didn’t. He wished he could have heard that and gone on with his day like nothing had happened. But he couldn’t, not when he knew all too well what that meant.
Jay despises being here. The room seems too big for one person. And white, which covers too much of it, is suddenly his least favorite color. Despite both the nurses and Jungwon advising him to keep the window open for natural light, he refuses. While the room is no sight to marvel at, the sky pisses him off. How could nature make something so beautiful while being so cruel to him at the same time?
Although Jungwon can tell Jay’s significantly less happy, he sees what he doesn’t: he’s stronger. Some of the color has returned to his face, and he complains about pain much less frequently. He’d listen to Jay complain at any time of the day. Of course, he would. That’s the love of his life. Even so, hearing him complain about how much he hurts made his own heart ache.
Him being at the hospital makes things a lot easier, too. With Jungwon’s seemingly endless and ever-increasing appointments, seeing Jay is extremely convenient. Almost too convenient. He sleeps at the hospital more than in his own bed. Jay can tell the room’s worn-out sofa makes his back ache, but he’s never complained. Not once. What could he complain about when he’s here? With Jay?
Time passes much more slowly for the next month, at least for Jay. When Jungwon’s around, it’s like a million years pass in a single second. When he’s not, though, which is unfortunately for most of the day, time drags on like it’s digging its claws into anything, desperately trying to hold itself back. Nothing is fun anymore. No TV show, no book, not even singing. He used to enjoy looking around the room to notice every tiny detail about it, but now, he could recite them all with his eyes closed.
For Jungwon, however, a month has gone by in a heartbeat. He’s watched Jay deteriorate in front of him. They used to have conversations that stretched for hours about even the dumbest of topics (they once argued on and off for three hours about whether or not cereal was a soup). Now, though, he barely responds, and he’s always asleep. Sometimes, he randomly lashes out and demands to know where he is. Jungwon always lies and says they’re at his place. This never fails to calm him down.
It’s December 24th, Christmas Eve. Jungwon had opened the curtain to let some light in, and it’s now starting to fade as dusk approaches. He’s nestling against Jay’s side, on the opposite side as all of the tubes and machines.
“Christmas is tomorrow,” he whispers, his lips curving into a small grin.
Jay echoes, “Christmas?”
Despite the weakness in his voice, Jungwon can hear the excitement. He feels the same; he’s always wanted to experience a Christmas in love. He has high hopes for it, too. Jay has had more energy today than on any day in the last few weeks.
“So,” he says in a sing-song tone. “What would my handsome boyfriend like for Christmas?”
“Handsome?” Jay chuckles. The rumbling of his chest shakes Jungwon’s cheek. “Well, I only want one thing.”
“And what would that be?”
“You.”
Even though it’s been six months of them dating, Jungwon’s stomach completely flips. Six months isn’t very long in the grand scheme of things. He blushes like a middle schooler asking his crush out to a dance, his giggle matching it.
“Me? You already have me.”
“Then I got what I wanted for Christmas.” Jay looks down at him and smiles warmly. The corners of his eyes wrinkle, but they’re missing their usual light.
“Come on,” he says, very, very gently poking Jay’s chest. “One thing. You’ve gotta want one thing.”
He exhales softly from his nose, which Jungwon’s gotten to know as his version of a laugh. “Okay, then… a signed Polaroid from Lewis Hamilton.”
Jungwon can’t contain his smile. He knows full well that the signed Polaroid is in his backpack. He still has no idea how he managed to get it, but he did, and he can’t wait to see Jay’s face light up at the sight.
“Let’s hope Santa gets it for you, then,” he says with a mischievous giggle.
“Santa? Really?” Jay raises his eyebrow.
“Yep. Santa.”
Soon, the darkness of the room gets to him, and he drifts off to sleep cradled in Jay’s arms. The doctors have gotten mad at Jungwon before for cuddling with him, but it’s Christmas Eve; they’ve got to have a little leeway. His dream tonight is the sweetest he’s had for a while. For once, it isn’t about Jay dying.
He’s sitting in the back of Santa’s sleigh, Jay pressed flush against his side. Now that the shield light pollution makes is out of view, the stars are fully exposed. And wow, they’re beautiful. Who knew nature could do something like this?
He looks over at Jay, taking in his childlike grin. It’s so wide he’s worried it’ll expand past his face. His eyes are sparkling more than even the brightest star, and wow, they’re beautiful. He knows Jay loves him. Of course, he does. But Jay does not look at Jungwon the way he looks at the snowy sky on Christmas Eve.
“Jungwon, Jungwon, Jungwon!” he shouts suddenly, leaning over the edge of the sleigh. His arm fully extends out and points at the horizon. “The sun’s rising!”
Jungwon gasps. A grin of his own invades his expression. He wraps an arm around Jay’s waist to keep him steady while they look out.
“It’s Christmas!” Jay beams. “Oh my god, it’s Christmas!”
“Doesn’t Christmas happen every year?” Jungwon chuckles teasingly, although he’s similarly happy (he doesn’t think he’ll ever be as happy about something as Jay is about Christmas).
“So?” He playfully shoves him. “It’s here this year, right now, and that’s all that matters.”
The sleigh starts to shake, making the arm Jungwon is leaning against it vibrate. It’s strangely rhythmic, like the shaking is planned.
“Santa?” he calls out. “What’s going on?”
Santa turns around to face them. He booms in his loud, velvety voice, “Why, sonny, it’s Christmas! Wake up!”
“Wake up?”
The vibrating continues. It’s annoying. Can’t he just enjoy this moment?
“Yeah, Jungwon,” Jay chimes. “It’s Christmas. Let’s wake up.”
Jungwon gasps, panting heavily as he jolts up. His head whips side to side as he looks around, trying to get a bearing on where he is. He knows this cold, white room. It’s the hospital. He’s in Jay’s room.
His wrist is still buzzing. He looks down and sees that his alarm, which he had set for 12:00 am on Christmas, is going off. He had planned to wake Jay up right as the day started.
He slowly maneuvers out of Jay’s embrace and tiptoes (not very gracefully) to his backpack. Unzipping it as quietly as he can manage, he pulls out the signed photo.
“He’s going to love this,” he whispers to himself, smiling from ear to ear.
Going back to Jay’s bedside, he reaches over and shakes his arm.
“Jay?” he calls, his voice barely below his normal speaking voice. He shakes him a second time. “Wake up! It’s Christmas,” he sings.
As he shakes him more, Jay limply rolls to the other side of the bed, his cheek falling onto his shoulder. Jungwon chuckles softly. Wow, he’s really asleep, isn’t he?
Nurses start surrounding him, pulling away from Jay.
“Hey, hey, what’s going on?! Why are you–”
Then, he finally becomes aware of the alarm going off, of the flat, unmoving line on the heart monitor. His own heart stops. He looks at Jay, at the way his mouth is hanging slightly open. At the stillness of his chest. At the small space between his arm and his body, where Jungwon just was.
“No, no, no, no,” he mutters. He jolts forward to return to his side, but the nurses pull him away. They drag him out of the room, tearing him away from the one person he’d give up his life for if he had the choice. God, if only he had the choice.
Amaranth was planted where Jay was buried, just like he had asked. Jungwon lodged the signed Polaroid between his fingers at the visitation. Although the funeral staff strictly prohibited touching, he did it anyway. He couldn’t make it to Christmas, but at least he still got his gift.
Life becomes even harder. Yeah, Jungwon still has Heeseung, his dad, and his friend, but none of them matter when his heart lies in the grave with Jay. He holes himself up in his room for a few days after the funeral. For once, nobody tries to bother him. Heeseung doesn’t even knock once. Although they may not know his pain, they see it, and they feel it. It seeps through the crack of the door and taints the walls of the house. It pours into their morning coffee. It ghosts the melodies of the songs on the radio. Nearly every station is playing Jay’s music in memory of him, which doesn’t help, either.
Jungwon knows he should do something with the little he has left. He can almost hear Jay nagging him to do his daily stretches and keep up with his hobbies. If only it actually were Jay.
He forces himself up and drags himself to the easel. The unfinished painting stares him in the eye. It’s so painfully bland. If only he had spent more time on it.
“At least I have now,” he mutters, leaning down to pick up his brush.
His fingers won’t cooperate, and the brush won’t stay in his grip for longer than a couple of seconds.
“You fucking–”
He tries again a few more times, but it’s like his fingers are too sad to do anything, just like him. As he watches the brush tumble to the ground, he lets out a frustrated groan and aggressively kicks over his paint stand. It tips over, crashing onto the floor. Paint tubes fly out of it, scattering around. He angrily snatches a pencil, gripping it tightly with both hands so it won’t fall. He brings it to the canvas and writes in shaky letters: “You never asked me what I want for Christmas.”
Months passed by like minutes. Time seems to understand that Jungwon gave up, so it does, too. Without the ability to do anything but sit around, he did nothing but sleep and watch TV. Heeseung joined him often, but he barely noticed. The world started to become nothing but a hazy cloud, where he couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. He barely knew he existed anymore. He had promised himself years ago never to put all of his worth into one person, but that younger Jungwon didn’t know Jay. Younger Jungwon didn’t know that everything would be stripped away from him.
Now, in late December of the following year, he’s not even his own person anymore. He can’t do anything on his own. Even breathing, a machine does most of the work for him. The most he can get out of his muscles is a slight twitch. He’s not even grateful for his consciousness being intact; it leaves too much time to think about Jay.
For a while, he was grateful he survived instead of Jay, only because he didn’t want to put the burden of dealing with death on him. Sitting in the same hospital bed, staring at those same cold, white walls, he’s jealous of him. He died quickly. Jungwon has lost only a small fraction of himself every day. It was so slow that a week would pass, and he’d insist nothing had advanced. A month, though, and half of his limb was suddenly stiff. Too stiff. Too weak. Too fucking useless.
The good thing about slow, though, is that he doesn’t really see what is happening in front of him. He doesn’t quite feel the way his breathing is slowing. How his eyes are starting to droop. How the thoughts that were so coherent in his head are now nothing but mumbles. He looks out at the sky, at the sun cruelly smiling in his face. The morning is too bright, way too bright. Even though he hates it, his lips curve up on their own. It’s Christmas morning, after all. Maybe he should smile. Jay would have.