Kakashi arrived back in Konoha after going after Sasuke and Naruto with only one of those two in his arms, already exhausted from the mission he was on and now shaking with some manic worry or despair. Since Itachi he was already barely hanging on, feeling like everything was pulling his seams, unraveling him piece by piece.

God, he had regrets. So many they piled up inside him until it felt like they had squeezed out any other feelings. Sasuke was one, one of the largest, now, weighing so heavy upon him. But also--Naruto, Sakura, the Sandaime, Orochimaru still being free--

Everything he touched seem to be cursed by it. Kakashi took Naruto to the hospital and left the cleanup to the Anbu; there was no point injecting himself into that particular mess anymore, not when he was the one who could've done so much more for Sasuke. He felt at loose ends, unable to resolve anything.

Perhaps, why, once he'd debriefed and been given instructions by Tsunade to remain in the village for the following days, he found himself standing in Iruka's living room.

Even if there was still some friction between them, Iruka had rapidly become...something to him. A haven, maybe. Friend--possible. The only person who would be honest to his face. His lover.

He couldn't pinpoint why, though, his body automatically brought him to Iruka's apartment. But, in truth, he longed to not think about it. Not think about anything, after everything the past weeks have been. At least for a little while.

It was out of unconscious habit more than anything else that he found himself taking a bath then collapsing into Iruka's bed naked, too buzzing with thoughts to figure out what else he should do. What he needed to do.

Probably not spend the rest of his day in a haze on Iruka's bed, but that's what he did until he heard the front door unlock. He already knew it could only be Iruka, Naruto was in the hospital at least overnight and he knew for fact that Iruka never really had anyone else over.

(he tried to ignore the fact that Iruka's apartment only really looked lived in because of the things Naruto and he brought with them or gave to the other man)

He still didn't get up, though. Iruka would find him sooner or later.

A hand settling on his ankle only a moment after that thought meant sooner. It was a mercy that the other man didn't say anything, but Kakashi knew they would end up talking. He didn't hate the idea of it, but he just couldn't like this, so fully aware of everything he had and hadn't done and how, ultimately, he'd failed.

"Did you...?" he asked, voice muffled from the sheets.

Iruka clearly understood what he was asking. He sighed, fingers skimming up Kakashi's leg. "He's asleep, still. I'll go back in the morning. You--"

"I'll go with you."

A hum of agreement. The hand hit the back of his knee, then his thigh, and he couldn't help but squirm slightly. It had been weeks since they'd done more than see each other in passing after Tsunade had healed the damage Itachi had done, weeks that he'd spent strung out on adrenaline and soldier pills running missions. Iruka had been in the same situation, though he'd also had to split time on missions with hours in the Hokage Tower assisting Tsunade.

Even if a little guilt curdled in his stomach at the thought of sleeping with Iruka instead of doing something, anything, he didn't protest as Iruka's hand slid between his legs, ghosted against the sensitive skin between his thighs. He'd done his damnedest to track Sasuke down, even though the trail had already been cold by the time he'd found Naruto. And--truthfully, he'd been wanting to stop his thoughts, and Iruka fucking him tended to provide that.

He buried his face in the sheets as Iruka leaned forward to pull the bottle of lube out of the side table, and only shivered slightly as he pressed two fingers inside him. A third finger earned a gasp, and he pushed himself back to try and get them a little bit deeper inside him. Iruka let him do that for a moment, then pulled his hand away, leaving Kakashi empty.

Silence for a moment, then, "On your knees."

Iruka's voice was a little stern, sending a shiver down Kakashi's spine as he pushed himself up to his knees, arms feeling a little too weak to get him up on his hands as well. Iruka's hands settling on the swell of his ass, curving over his hips, sent another shiver through him. He would never be able to put to words how much he liked this, liked giving over all control to Iruka.

It was startling, how implicit his trust in the other man had become.

Iruka pushed into him, all at once, and it stole his breath from him. Thoughts fled, and all he could think of was the feeling of Iruka's cock inside him, grinding into his most sensitive parts. He couldn't help but tighten up as Iruka started rocking gently inside him.

It was good, it was so good, but he needed more, he needed--

Their hips slapped together, then Iruka pulled back and finally began fucking him in earnest. His fingers tight around his hips, holding him in place, before sliding up to his waist to haul him up to kneeling.

Fuck, and that pushed him even deeper. Kakashi let out a noise that was halfway between a sob and a scream, one hand flying up to cover his mouth, the other clutching onto one of Iruka's hands as if he wanted him to stop--as if he wanted more. Every thrust sent Iruka's cock directly into his prostate, sparks shooting behind his eyelids.

Kakashi hadn't yet come, but he was so close. His nerves felt raw, a sort of tingle-spark feeling in his abdomen as Iruka pressed a hand to the trail of pale hair that led down to his own cock, rubbed the sensitive skin there.

"Let me hear you," he said in the same stern tone, not even sounding breathless from exertion as he continued fucking Kakashi closer and closer to orgasm. Kakashi couldn't help a whine, the most he could bring himself to protest while still dropping the hand covering his mouth just in time for a loud moan to be fucked out of him.

"Good boy," Iruka all but purred into his ear, and that sent Kakashi over the edge, his hands gripping tight to Iruka's forearms as the other man fucked him through his orgasm and then some.

He could distantly feel Iruka coming inside him, wrung dry as Kakashi's muscles convulsed more powerfully than normal. It was painful but, fuck, the pain just seemed to increase the pleasure running through him, and he was barely aware as he squirted onto the sheets.

Typically they went for a few rounds, if not all night, but as Kakashi came off his high, Iruka merely pulled him to the side of the bed that wasn't soiled by their bodily fluids and held him close.

"I fucked up," Kakashi said when he could finally breathe again. It was so strange, that he was now able to look at it all so objectively from the safety of Iruka's arms, "I knew what Sasuke was considering and I..."

Iruka pushed his hand into Kakashi's hair, rubbing the tips of his fingers on his scalp while also teasing apart any tangles. Added onto how utterly boneless his body was, Kakashi wasn't sure he'd ever been more relaxed, despite how fast his mind was still working. Silence stretched between them for a moment before Iruka spoke again, voice languid and low, "It wasn't just you; we all failed him. Out of everyone, I know I understood him well--understood what happened to him well. But I never reached out to him."

Silence fell again. It was different for Iruka, Kakashi knew--the other man had dozens of children to shepherd to graduation, to keep safe. Kakashi spent so much time with Sasuke alone, teaching him and growing to understand him, and yet the best he had done was tie him to a tree and give him one lecture.

He knew what had happened to the boy, knew the signs he was beginning to show, and yet--

Kakashi pushed his head against Iruka's gentle hand. He had failed Sasuke. They had failed Sasuke. He did not like to think ill of the Sandaime, of the village that was his home, but everything that had happened during and since the disastrous chuunin exams pointed to there being something fundamentally wrong.

"All we can do," Iruka murmurs into the quiet, "is learn from this and do better."