Archive of Our Own ^beta

It might have been funny, if she could still laugh; not even a demonic trance was enough to make her brain shut up.

She’d been doing alright after Rumi’s reveal – well, as alright as she could be as her world shattered around her, but she knew how to keep fighting and keep moving through the intolerable already. She still had a goal, she still had a purpose, and it was to protect Mira the world from Gwi-ma. And maybe Rumi too, please, let it be Rumi too. She was grasping at straws, trying to figure out how they could still fight – and then Mira left, too.

“There is no we, Zoey.”

After that, all she heard was the ringing in her ears.

No we. No WE. Stupid, stupid, stupid…

You’re too much. And not enough. You’ll never belong anywhere, but I can give you a place to belong.

The voice promised numbness, or acceptance, or anything but the pain that tore her to shreds, the idea that everything good in her life was a lie – and she grabbed it with both hands.

And even that, even that, didn’t let her stop thinking.

She was, in fact, more aware of her thoughts than the song outside her, though flashes managed to come in through the haze.

“I will love you more when it all burns down.”

That was good, because Zoey felt like a burning city, ravaged and falling apart, and everything in motion – that’s what fire was, after all, molecules moving so fast they smashed into each other and split each other apart and that’s all her thoughts ever did, split and destroy and she couldn’t keep them she didn’t belong she failed she was too much

And then came the flames, springing up, whispering of sweet oblivion, of an end, if only she could reach them – she could be molecules then, only molecules smashing together and igniting and molecules didn’t have to think – “And no one is coming to save you!”

Then, a note pierced her brain, made everything still as the flames turned their attention elsewhere.

She sat, still in a fog, brain finally at rest, until something else grabbed her attention.

It was a voice she knew like her own heartbeat, and it was wrong, because it was dull with heartbreak and despair. You did this, you made her this way, her own voice hissed, and it hurt worse than anything she had ever felt before. But the outside voice changed, ringing with determination and vulnerability – strange combination, maybe we could make a song about it – and then there was music again, and light, and something in her that had withered started to bloom once more.

“I tried to fix it, I tried to fight it; my head was twisted, my heart divided.” She blinked and raised her head as the words penetrated the haze she had willingly wrapped herself in. Knowledge struck her – this was Rumi, Rumi was alive and Rumi was here and she needed to do something –

“I broke into a million pieces, and I can’t go back,”

So she started pushing forward, through the unresisting bodies, turning towards the light that guided her heart. Rumi’s pain, Rumi’s fear, Rumi’s love shone from her, marked the patterns on her skin in iridescence, and Zoey’s heart resonated, caught in the chord of fear and of hope and of love. And her other light, the sun to Rumi’s moon, her Mira was walking towards them too, something bright and alive starting to flicker once more in their souls.

“My voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like.”

She reached the edge of the stage, and her mouth opened, and her soul song burst forth. “Why did I cover up the colors stuck inside my head?”

Her heart clenched painfully when Mira responded, and they were all there, they were all here and maybe they could do this – “I’ll find your harmony,” she vowed, pressing forward, tears not yet allowed to fall.

Then there were demons, but her girls her loves were there waiting, and nothing could keep her from reaching them. She strode forward, lips pulling back in a fierce smile, and she heard her loves friends remind her, “You’re not alone.” She pulled forth her shin-kal as she prepared to atone and fight. “We listened to the demons, we let them get between us,” and she charged, almost shouting, “but none of us are out here on our own!” She lost herself in the song, in the rhythm of fighting, moving forward one pace at a time, until they were all there and she could wrap them up in her arms, feel them standing next to her, and for a moment everything that had cracked was mended, every hurt healed, as the two other pieces of her soul stood next to her. The moment lasted an eternity, until they finally pulled back; Zoey’s eyes searched Rumi’s, but Rumi smiled and nodded slightly, and Zoey turned back to their foe, ready to take vengeance on the one who had dared to touch her girls. The faceless swarmed towards them, but those fell like grain to a scythe; it wasn’t until two of the Saja Boys flew toward her that she had anything like a challenge.

When the faceless started dissolving before her blade ever touched them, she looked in trepidation to Gwi-ma; nothing like this had ever happened before, but she wasn’t given the luxury to contemplate it as Baby and Mystery attacked. She felt the beam of evil power sear its way towards Rumi, watching helplessly as her reason for living her savior her love her leader was pressed back by the torrent. I can’t get there and even if I could, what could I do, but I have to it’s Rumi I can’t lose her not again no no no –

But there was a figure between Rumi and the light, and she let herself understand that the demon she’d been jealous of, the one Rumi had hyped, the one she had wanted to blame for everything, was dying in front of her to save them all. She watched as Rumi summoned a sword bigger than she’d ever thought possible and suddenly, suddenly there was the feeling of music-made-light of the honmoon swirling around her, the souls of every person in the stadium touching hers and filling her with hope and strength.

Standing tall once more, she decked Mystery. His hair flew aside – revealing just what she’d imagined; shimmering, dewy eyes, symmetrical cheekbones, nonthreatening, promising peace – “You’re just my type!” she gasped, before remembering she didn’t want peace anymore, she wanted love. “Oh well!” Her shin-kal slashed across his face without a blink of regret. She quickly finished Baby – no love lost there – and ran down the stage towards Rumi, letting the souls launch her into the air. The song flowed through her without any thought, leaving only exhilaration as she clung to her girls, letting everything flow through her –

And the honmoon flared into life, washing over the whole world, their joy and hope and love holding back the darkness once more. The last notes fell into a joyous silence, and she glanced around in wonder, taking in the sight of all the life that had nearly been lost forever. They landed gently on the stage, letting the cheers of the crowd buoy them as they let themselves just be alive and together for a moment. She sighed in relief and wonder before they took their bows and walked slowly off the stage, taking refuge backstage.

And then she remembered they were kilometers from home, in the middle of a giant crowd of fans, all of whom might want some explanation of, you know, what the fuck just happened. And that Mira was probably still furious over the lies. And that she was still mad about it, come to think of it. And Rumi was probably exhausted and maybe resented them for the whole drawing-weapons-on-her-when-she-was-most-vulnerable thing. And they all had to keep it together anyways.

Fuck.