Archive of Our Own ^beta

Seungmin wasn't depressed. 

He was just...

Numb. 

Yeah. 

Numb. 

He didn't have to feel things. 

His members didn't care, anyway. 

He couldn't really remember that last time he'd spent any time one-on-one with any of them. 

He didn't miss it. 

No. 

He didn't miss being coddled. 

He didn't miss being cooked food.

He didn't miss the care. 

No. 

Not at all. 

He'd stare in the mirror, just staring. His eyes seemed hollowed out, his lips pale. Didn't he look different earlier? 

He was confused. 

Then the Tiktoks came.

He was barely even noticed anymore. 

It was always Hyunjin or Changbin or Jeongin. 

Or anyone else. 

Hell, even Woojin was mentioned more than he was. 

"Most to least biased Stray Kids members' were trending. Seungmin was last. 

Always last. 

Seungmin knew they were light-hearted, but it didn't feel like it.

He hated how he cared so much. 

Eventually, he stopped caring. 

If Stay didn't, what was the point?

He was just a machine. 

Dance, sing, and look pretty. 

Fake a personality a little bit. 

Chan did that, so why couldn't he?

He didn't live. 

He just functioned. 

And that was enough. 

"Seungmin, could you please be a bit more fluid? You aren't really fitting into the dance," Hyunjin asked one day during dance practice. Seungmin nodded. 

Not enough

Not enough

Not enough

He didn't push it away. 

He welcomed it. 

Dancing in the middle of the night wasn't strange. 

He did it every night. 

Stay thought he wasn't a good dancer. 

That was what he was made for. 

To be the best. 

His members were so caring. 

To each other. 

Seungmin felt like an outsider. 

Maybe he was. 

That was what he was meant to be. 

They were the face.

Seungmin was the engine. 

He ran the group. 

Nobody needed to see him. 

So he backed out. 

He didn't do lives anymore. He barely joined in the group ones, either. 

What was the point?

#Minsung was trending. 

Han and Minho were happy. That's what mattered, right?

Of course. 

#Hyunlix was trending. 

Felix and Hyunjin were happy, right?

Of course. 

#Jeongmin was trending. 

Was Jeongin happy? 

No.

"I-I don't do this hyung! Can we take some distance? It just makes me uncomfortable," Jeongin admitted to Chan in the hallway of the recording studio. Seungmin was walking past as he heard it. 

"Of course, Innie," Chan said.

It didn't hurt. 

But it stung because it didn't hurt. 

He dug his nails into his skin. 

It felt good. 

He finally felt something. 

He did it again. 

And again. 

Until there was a deep, bloody bruise. 

He smiled. 

That night, he snuck into the kitchen. 

He wasn't satisfied with the razor. It didn't make the cuts deep enough. 

He selected a large kitchen knife. He slit it along his hip. 

It felt amazing. 

Seungmin's voice cracked. Again. 

The high note was too high. 

Too high was a first. 

Too high was not supposed to be a first. 

"Seungmin, are you sure you can do this? Jisungie can always do it if it's too hard," Chan asked from his spot at the recording desk. 

"I can do it," Seungmin replied, almost automatically. His voice was derived of any emotion, just drilled and empty. 

If his one line were to be sung by Han, he would have two ad-libs and a harmony with Jeongin.

Again. 

He was tired. 

He stayed up another two hours running choreography, pushing four a.m.

He had to stay up another hour practicing his high notes in every song they had. 

All three hundred and twenty-eight of them. 

And of course, he couldn't get his average half-hour of sleep without deepening the cut on his hip.

Seungmin's birthday live was with his members. That was new. Felix and Han's lives last week ago were just them.

Jeongin was seated on the opposite end of him. 

And Hyunjin was in the center. 

Not Seungmin. 

But that was fine.

It had to be.

He wasn't paid to complain. 

He was paid to entertain. 

Eventually, he found no use in contributing to the conversation. 

So he focused on the small sparkler in his hand. 

He was looking at it, but wasn't really looking at it. 

He zoned out. 

And began dreaming. 

Daydreaming, per se.

Everyone's voices were blocked out. 

Everyone was gone from his mind.

And he just...

Thought. 

About if he hadn't become an idol. 

About not being exhausted every day. 

Being seen every day. 

But not being noticed every day. 

About being a person. 

Not human, not surviving.

A person. Living.

"Seungmin, Seungmin!" someone snapped his fingers in Seungmin's face. His eyes fluttered as he turned his head to the group. Felix gave him a concerned look as he said softly,

"We asked you what you wish for this year,"

What did he want?

He wanted to feel again. 

He wanted his members to make him feel again. 

"I wish for Stay," he murmured. 

His members nodded in reply, and continued whatever conversation they were having prior. 

And Seungmin escaped back to his mind. 

Seungmin's heart was hollow. 

He tried his hardest to make himself feel something, anything, but he couldn't. 

Why?

He clung to Jeongin, maybe the touch-starvation would go away and he would feel something. 

He dug his face into Jeongin's side, zoning out again.

He liked it. 

But it didn't fill him. 

He was yanked from his comfortable position, thrown to the side of the couch. His back hung awkwardly, half-off the couch, half on. 

"Seungmin, do you ever listen? He told you to get off!" Lee Know, the one who flung him off, barked. 

Seungmin turned to look at Jeongin, who was looking at Seungmin with a mix of fear and confusion. 

"He did?"

"Yes! Multiple times!" Lee Know said, his face twisting in anger. 

Seungmin didn't even flinch. He couldn't. His reflexes had shut down.

"This is why we're stressing so much over the comeback! Because you're being so difficult!" Lee Know's words took Seungmin's heart and twisted it. 

He finally felt something. 

And it really, really hurt. 

He could have smiled. 

But his face refused to.

His facial muscles had shut down. 

So he walked off. He didn't hurt. 

He just walked off.

Lee Know was left shocked. 

Seungmin would have fought back. 

But he didn't. 

He didn't even react. 

Jeongin was confused. 

He had nearly shouted and Seungmin hadn't even moved. 

He just stayed there. 

And it was unsettling. 

Days went by. Seungmin only showed up when he needed to. 

He disappeared from Stay's sight. 

And Stay didn't even notice. 

What hurt him most was that his members didn't even notice. 

Hurt. 

That was the only emotion he could feel was pain. 

The pain from the cuts.

The pain from Lee Know.

The pain from ignorance. 

The pain from the grief.

The grief. 

The grief of his old self was overbearing. 

Seungmin used to be happy.

Seungmin used to be witty.

Seungmin used to be fine. 

Now he was a shell of himself. 

A broken, scarred shell. 

And he knew it. 

The blood wouldn't stop.

It wouldn't stop.

Did I go too far?

"He's slipping," Felix murmured one night after Seungmin left silently after dinner. 

"Who?" Han asked. 

"Seungmin," Felix said. That name was rare on his tongue. 

Blood coated the floor. 

He was so dizzy he missed a spot cleaning it up. 

"WHAT IS THIS?" Chan roared. 

He pulled Seungmin into the bathroom, pointing at the blood on the floor. 

Chan knew exactly what it was. 

Seungmin didn't even react.

He should have been panicking. 

But he didn't. 

"I asked you a question, Kim Seungmin. What is this?" Chan asked, calmer that time. 

"Blood," Seungmin answered simply. 

Chan grabbed Seungmin's arms and pushed the sleeves away.

Clean.

He rolled Seungmin's pants up. 

Clean. 

He swallowed and pulled Seungmin's shirt up.

Bandaged, scarred messes.

All of it. 

Chan stepped back, in shock.

"Seungmin, why didn't you tell us?" Chan asked, eyes full of concern. 

"You don't care," Seungmin deadpanned.

Chan hated how cold Seungmin sounded. 

"Yes, we do-"

"You didn't need to," 

Chan's heart broke. 

"Please, Seungmin, I just want to help-"

"No,"

"This isn't healthy, Seungmin. I don't want you to be sad," Chan whispered. 

"What does sad even feel like?" Seungmin asked. It wasn't sarcastic. It wasn't witty. It was genuine. It was innocent. 

"No, no," Chan breathed, hugging Seungmin's torso. 

Seungmin didn't move. 

He forgot what a hug felt like.

Chan sobbed into Seungmin's chest.

"I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you," he whispered.

Seungmin didn't know what to say. 

How could he comfort someone if he didn't even know how to comfort himself?

Felix stumbled into the room, he had heard Chan's yells. 

"Seungminnie?" Felix whimpered, staring at the sight in front of him. 

Seungmin stared at him. 

The stare was so empty. 

Felix felt cold. 

"I'm so, so sorry," he said, and joined Chan, hugging around Seungmin's shoulders.

"Why?" Seungmin asked. He was so genuinely confused. 

And it broke Felix. 

"We want to help you," Felix choked out.

"You don't need to. I'm fine," Seungmin said. 

"This isn't right! This isn't fine!" Chan shouted, trembling.

"It's not?" Seungmin asked, like someone had told him oxygen was poisonous. 

Felix sobbed.

Seungmin was so, so confused. 

His numbness had spread from his mind to his body. 

Scars didn't hurt. 

The knife carving his skin felt like a fingernail on snow. 

He described these things to Chan.

Chan cried. 

And Chan wasn't a crier.

When Jeongin found out, he was horrified. 

He hurt Seungmin. 

He hurt Seungmin. 

He hurt Seungmin. 

It was his fault. 

"No, it's not your fault. It's all of ours," Changbin said, during a group meeting in the living room. Seungmin was being cuddled by Felix and Chan protectively. 

"I'm confused," Seungmin said. 

"Why?" Hyunjin asked softly. 

"Isn't this what an idol is supposed to be? Just an image, made for the public?" 

Tears slipped from Hyunjin's eyes.

"No, Minnie; you're allowed to be human. Yourself," Han said, reaching for Seungmin's hand. 

"It's my fault, all of it," Lee Know admitted. All eyes turned to him.

"No-" Chan started. 

"It is! I yelled at him! I'm sorry, Minnie, I'm so, so, so sorry," Lee Know apolgoized. 

"It's mine," Jeongin whispered. 

"Are we all blaming ourselves here?" Changbin sighed.

"You don't understand! I've been leaving him out purposefully because I'm so selfish!" Jeongin cried. Seungmin patted Jeongin on the head comfortingly. It was awkward, but interaction. Something Seungmin hadn't done in months. Jeongin reached for that hand. He held it. He didn't want to let go. 

"Seungie, if you ever want to cuddle I will hold you for forever, you here me? Wanting is okay. Please," Jeongin begged. 

"...okay," Seungmin whispered, and shifted from Chan and Felix to Jeongin. Jeongin pulled him over greedily and kept his arms over Seungmin's shoulders possessively. He didn't ever want to let go. 

THREE MONTHS LATER

Seungmin did it. He was five weeks clean. Chan threw a party.

He still wasn't used to all this. Even since pre-debut, he wasn't paid much attention.

It was all new, all the recognition was a bit overwhelming. But they cared.

Maybe it was okay. 

Maybe he was okay.