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I’m staring at myself. I’ve done this a million times before, looking at the mirror and searching for every imperfection I could. Watching my face contort as I change my expression. Watching my lips spread into a smile far too practiced. I loved to search for the small scars that never healed right, for the bags under my eyes from restless nights, for the acne that littered my chin and forehead due to neglect.
This is different, though. You’re never supposed to see yourself with your eyes closed. You’re not supposed to see a completely still face that looks just like yours, maybe because it is. Maybe it’s because I’m dead and I don’t really want to face that yet. It’s unnerving to say the least. I remember dying, I remember everything but.. to stare at myself laying in a coffin? It feels more real than it ever has.
I’m a ghost I think. It’s like I can watch people without them seeing me. Invisibility without being heard verbally or being able to Interact with anything. It’s kinda cool if you get past the part it’s permanent. If I can force down the thought that eventually everyone will forget about me and they’ll bury my body then yeah, it’s cool.
I miss my friends. I miss talking to them and laughing, I miss all of it honestly. I miss Mapicc. I was watching him earlier and for once I missed being berated with insults. He seemed so normal, and a part of me is happy. I SHOULD be happy. Mapicc is moving on, isn’t that good? Still, I can’t help but feel a little hurt. Didn’t he care about me? I thought if I died maybe he’d show a little bit of emotion but he’s just.. apathetic.
It makes me realize how much everyone cares about me. Which is, obviously, not a lot. A few people cried, namely Woogie and Pangi. The rest just kinda shrugged it off. They’re still planning a funeral though, so that’s nice.
I don’t know what I was expecting. It’s a pretty normal building, they used cherry wood to build it so that makes me a little excited. There are flowers everywhere but everyone still wears black. They put my body in a really pretty white dress. It’s flowy and I really wish I could’ve worn it on a windy day. I want to see what it would’ve looked like when the wind is pushing the skirt side to side, I think it’d be beautiful.
The ceremony just started. Everyone is sitting down except Mapicc isn’t here. Of course he isn’t, he has better things to do. He doesn’t want to dwell on the past, it makes sense. It does. It doesn’t hurt, why would it hurt? It’s not like I considered him a soulmate or anything.
Everyone else is sitting down in the seats that face my coffin. A few are teary eyed, others are more stoic. It’s odd to see everyone so serious. Usually in big groups like this everyone is joking and smiling, giggles and half hearted arguments filling the air. Now it’s.. silent.
Until Hannah goes up towards the stage. It’s really sweet she’d make a speech for me, I wish I could thank her but.. with the current circumstances it feels a little hard to do.
“Hey everyone, thank you all for coming to remember Prince Zam..” She trails off. It looks like she might be crying until she continues talking.
“She was amazing, as we all know. An amazing friend, an incredible ally, and a beautiful person. Some of us knew her more than others. Some of us never knew her at all.” She pauses, taking a glance towards my corpse. “We are all going to miss her dearly. She will never be forgotten, and neither will her sacrifice.”
After looking a little closer, there ARE tears in Hannah’s eyes. She’s crying for me? It’s bittersweet. Because no, I don’t want my friends to cry. But they’re crying because they miss me.. and it’s selfish to say but that makes me a little happy.
There’s a loud sound and when I turn around there’s Mapicc bursting in. What the fuck. Everyone is staring at him as he stands there, you can tell he’s been crying. His eyes are bloodshot and puffy and there are still tear stains trailing down his cheeks. His hair is a mess and he looks like he’s wearing the same thing for a week straight. Suddenly he moves to a seat in the back and silently sits down.
The attention lingers on him for a bit before Hannah finishes up her speech. I don’t really care what she has to say anyways. It’s probably some superficial crap about how perfect I was, I’m more interested in Mapicc.
Walking up to him felt awkward, standing next to him even more so. He wasn’t reacting to anything I did or said. I knew, realistically, he wouldn’t but.. it still hurt. I thought maybe he’d be special, that maybe he would be able to see me. I was wrong.
Hannah finishes her speech and everyone has a chance to go up and talk to my dead body. I do go up, just to see what people will privately tell me. Unfortunately it’s nothing too eventful, all the same ‘I miss you’s and ‘I love you’s that I expected. Mapicc does go up, though and he starts whispering to my corpse.
“.. you’re an asshole. You’re so fucking selfish and I hate you for it.”
Oh, wow. Amazing. Seriously, Mapicc I’m already dead you don’t need to attack me any further.
“But I miss you. I miss you so much and I don’t want to live without you.” He glances up, away from the corpse. But he’s looking at me. Like dead on, looking at me. There’s no way, right? I mean he can’t be staring AT me, I’m a ghost. He’s just staring at the wall- surely. There’s no way he—
“I think I’ve started to hallucinate. I see you everywhere I go, but I don’t know what to do. I knew I’d miss you but I didn’t think my brain would go that crazy.”
And my heart stops. He sees me? I hesitantly wave at him and Mapicc flinches. He can see me. Holy shit he can see me. I need to talk to him, to make sure he knows he isn’t hallucinating but the words won’t come out. I open my mouth but still nothing. I keep trying even as he finishes his ‘final’ words and walks off the stage.
I run after him, silently begging him to just stay still so I can figure out how to speak. I didn’t need to! I was a ghost, why would I need to talk? But apparently when your other half can SEE YOU it becomes oddly important. I try for the rest of the day with no luck. But I continue to follow Mapicc around. I feel kinda like a lost dog, following him around in hopes that I’ll learn how to bark.
Eventually the day is over and Mapicc must be exhausted because the second he lays down he’s out. It’s disheartening, I want to talk. I want to explain what’s going on and.. I miss Mapicc. I’ll figure out how to talk and it’ll all be okay. I’ll figure it out. Just.. after he sleeps. I’d kill myself if I woke him up.
Get it? Cause’ I’m dead, I can’t kill myself! Haha! That was funny, PrinceZam! Oh, thank you PrinceZam!
..Yeah, I really need to figure this out.