Archive of Our Own ^beta

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hello? is this thing on?

hi. i'm emil brita. as the tags say, yes im ashamed for these thoughts i have. just.... take this AO3 story as a public journal for you to comment and judge me on.

i really do want to start off on how terrible my mental health has been. first of all, ive been cutting almost daily, but luckily theyre shallow so nothing terrible can occur. i harm myself in this form to prevent and punish myself from having my lustful thoughts, and of course i know its wrong but i barely G.A.S. anymore... its better than proshipping... GOD that was a bad time. fuckass hour long visual fantasy about dragondudes3 getting raped by drunk fotl.. like dude what the hell was i thinking ?? ugh god. anyways, theres this one kid in my 5th period that feeds to those said lustful thoughts, and i mean that BADLY. i mean like i was masturbating so hard i had tears rolling down my face as i whimpered imagining him fucking me. i want to be with him carnally. i dont know why i locked onto HIM out of all people, but i dont know. my friend likes him romantically though, so my thoughts get really frustrating. being a stupidly-over-empathetic geek who just wants a dick shoved up them at least once a month gets really frustrating... and this is why i dont wear dresses either. im such a lustful and sexual fuckass deviant that ill continuously attempt the act of others getting an underglance of myself..... its so disgusting but its become a habit because of my FUCKASS BROTHER. GOD DAMNIT ARROW THE WAY ID ok yeah no im not gunna do that. but js for further reference for everyone, when youre an older sibling/model for a youngling in your family, PLEASE make sure that they arent 5 years old if you are to randomly show you animals having sex and then trying it on your younger sibling. theres something called memories OHHH YES I LOVE THIS SONG. dear god bro my eyes r starting to feel tired. im gunna go to bed a wee bit early.... thank you for reading, this'll be edited much nicer l8r. emil out.

09/23 - 6:45 AM

Waiting for this damn bus. I sound way more stupidly professional now that I'm typing on my phone... Jesus Christ my lust at school is going to drive me insane (not actually, I have #SELFCONTROL!!! actually I'm surprised the band sElf didn't make a song called self control in joke to their name) ohhhh shit heres thu buyghss

writing on AO3 is lowkey therapeutic, I like this. Instead of ramming into somebody else for all my stupid problems nobody can fix, I can just shove them here!!!!!!!!! Wooooowww yayyyyy wash my bellay. Yayyyyyyyy. Clean my bellay. Clean my bellay. Bro I'm so tired idfk why I've been waking up so late this week.... Uuuuhhggggggghhhhfffgguck did I finish my homework ?? I don't think I did. But this is the DGAF ZONE !!!!!! (/J I'm not that fucking annoying. Ok i am but like get with my times)... oh my god I have to see Gabriel this morning. AFTER LAST NIGHT HELL NO BRO 💔 hhuuuuhhggggggghhhhfff I think I gotta stop writing bcuz we're about to get to the ele stop... (I typed before realizing the three empty seats that gives me a -3 chance of being sat next to... Before realizing there's like 10 kids OHHH MEIN GOT BRUH. Hashtag genius at werk. Ok some 1 is here.......... I'll type my day l8r.

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death will not come quickly.

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09/24

GOD THIS IS SO BRIHGHT. ughhh okay anyways. the emotions for gabriel and I have severely died downwards ever since i became a messenger pigeon and gave him the ''Swoop Sinclair'' [i quote him] on the fact that crystal likes gabriel. im not looking forwards to theatre club for the rest of this week....... but i kind of am, i dont know. its starting to worry me about on how early ive been getting quite tired.... i think remy's hypersomnia is rubbing onto me. confuthed, i am. OH speaking of theatre, i was VERY full of emotions today because i kept on giggling at KOHLS and SWEATER VESTS for some reason. . . . . . . . . .i couldnt tell you anything on that i really couldnt. ohohohohohohohoooohhhhh wait

let me explain my friend group.                            ......../ref

anyways, the general 4 [5 if including matt, 7 if including the lunch table] is..are? which one is it idk but my main 4 are mcgowan [matesprit], tj [secret kismesis. im getting frustrated day by day], me and lei. i know lei treats me as a super close friend and i suuuuuper heavily appreciate the fact that i can get that kind of affection from someone..... followed by mcgowan. adding remy onto this situation as well, i do want to mention ALL 3 of these guys had at least once properly sent me long extensive messages relating to my health whenever it was getting unstable, showing that they cared and had related to me on one level or another. UNFORTUNATELY, TJ BEING MY FORMER GIRLFRIEND BARELY SHOWED ME SHIT LIKE THAT. she had always wished that our relationship was ''more strong'' relating to our romance, but it was just.... so difficult. not only am i greyromantic, but i barely liked her. i just hate saying no. yknow if i were to be signed into working for limbus company or becoming a magical girl in madoka magica, i think my wish on the contract would be the confidence to say no........ its difficult and frustrating but the thing is, is that whenever i say no it often gets disregarded. my silence at times could mean 'no', like when tj wanted me to come over more often.... god i still hate being around her without others. she'd always try touching me, grazing and reaching for my crotch every time it was just us. i never told her she could do that. and OH WHOSE FAULT IS IT. OF COURSE, DAMIEN YEAH LETS BLAME IT ALL ON DAMIEN. DAMIEN DAMIEN DAMIEN ITS ALWAYS FUCKING DAMIEN TJ. GOD how infuriating. . . . . . .. . gee willikers. its seems that she forgets a lot about boundaries and consent, doesnt it? anyway, she said once that the, quote unquote, ''diddlers at our school were kind of nice''. just because theyre nice to you doesnt mean they have nice intentions. i cant defend this one dude. also shes quite frustrating to deal with in general, you'd have to talk to my friend lei about it. gee willikers it seems that everything here actually needs to charge, even me !! i'll hopefully write soon or later, farewell AO3.

09/25

i left my phone at school dude. im not like super manic about it because of the stupid amount of times ive done so already [for... years on end]... but luckily lei has it so its fine. tj was being a pain in my ass though. she was trying to defend kromer and how she did nothing wrong.... in which she kind of did but okay... she hasnt evolved her humor in a hot fucking minute and thats the main cause of my infuriation... its been ''get me a beer'' and constant targeted violence against me YEARS ON END AND IM SICK OF IT!! EVOLVE NOW.

i tried carving sinclair's VOGEL title into my leg but. that failed... the blade seemed pretty sharp, but maybe im just forever going to ride the one-way ticketing trip to pissville in this manner. my brother needs to pull his pants up. i really really really dont want to do my khan academy work today... oh shit i can feel the vogel carvings now. with on how shallow these cuts are though i dont suppose they'll scar too severely, only talking from past experience from my ankle, but... every part of the body is different. oh also, some random military guy started sitting at my general table in the mornings and im like. deathly afraid from him so i started sitting at like. this little seat thing that isnt really a seat but it works as one. if you get that. god all these people do is talk about crk...... ok well of course if i were in a big group of people who all liked a game and it got updated of course we'd talk about it, emil. youre a dumbass emil. fuck off you twat. no. 

were not doing this again.

mcgowan today recognized that i got no lunch and i hatehatehatehateHATE the pity i got. yes im happy that i ate but im still so egregiously guilt-ridden over eating some of my friends food. yes i know it was such little things but LEI AND MCG WERE GONNA EAT THOSE. i feel like i wouldve been perfectly fine going w/o lunch but like.... idk. this is why i usually do things for myself. some people dont know how i like things, followed by my guilt for taking things from others. i would love to be served last, even if its the smallest portion. never would i ever let others see me do something they could never achieve [well. besides walking by a paraplegic of course]... im riddled with guilt wherever i go and its infuriating. not on topic but i dont know what i wouldnt do without my nails... they've been grown out and shunned by others for years, but theyre quite handy! itching, making your untreated scalp accidentially bleed, picking at skin, plucking, and other things that i havent found uses for yet. theyre tools, not aesthetic. i mean, ive grown them out for so long that i cant imagine myself without these nails... im running through me cutting them off tonight w/ my friends and bestest of all remy. remy says itd be convenient, and of course they grow back.......... I CANT FIDDLE WITH MY PENCILS IF I CUT THEM SHORT THEN NOOOOOO.......... okay, ill cut them later. just...... not now. yeah. emil out yo

I LIED I LIED LIESLIESLIES PUPPET COMBO NIGHT SHIFT TICKETS ARE ON SALE AND MY OBVIOUS MENTIONS TO GO WITH SOMEONE HAVE GONE UNHEARD. WHERE IS EVERYONE I NEED SOMEONE TO HEAR MY PUPPET PLEADS I NEED TO SEE THIS FUCKING SCREENING. I LOVE NIGHT SHIFT YOU DONT GET IT IM NOT HERE FOR THE NAKED WOMEN IM HERE FOR THE BENDETTO COCUZZA DUUDE PLEASE LISTEN TO ME YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT IM SAYING RIGHT. GUYS.

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10/01; new day, new order.

nothing too exciting has happened recently, relatively placid. my mother got me a turkey club today which was liitttt but the night shift tickets got sold out. for my area..... im not even mad just a bit upset about it. not gonna go ultra butthurt mode though because everyone deserves that right to go see it. im just glad bendetto is getting the support he'd wanted from his viewers who want to go see the movie,,,, OH I MUST TELL YOU ABOUT MONDAY.

author is actually rabid over this; it was 6;30AM, my cat threw up in my bed and under my jeans, my bus shows up almost 10 mins late, my hands smelt like vomit for the entire start of 1st hour [up until 15min left of the hour], and it doesnt really get better until i go to 3rd hour and see REMYYYYYYY MY REMYYYYYYYYYYYYY REMY yay im best fiends with remy. i think i would have many detentions without him. anyway, the funding hasnt ended yet so lunches are still free for some reason? i mean, im not mad at all im just confused! werent they going away...? im a bit lost. errrr. okay well idrgas. oh also my ib obsession has come back and i cant stop seeing dante and ib having a father/daughter relationship LIKE THEYRE BOTH SILENT IN A FORM [dante's ticking and ib's nonverbal activities] AND ARE RELATED IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER TO LIFE/TIME......... thinks really nicely in my head. i drew ib today, i hope when i go to school tomorrow i dont smell like cigarettes and weed because my parents were taking shots and smoking cigarettes directly infront of me this afternoon, shudders. maybe my scent being continuously obstructed by nicotine smoke makes me poorly smell the kid in my classes. NO BECAUSE APPARENTLY THIS ONE KID NAMED KENNETH SMELLS REALLY BAD AND HE SITS AT MY 4TH HOUR TABLE AND I CANT SMELL HIM AT ALL!!?? the worst thing ive smelt this week is ida's vomit and the crop-dust thomas gave me today. dude it was NASTY. anyway, im praying they fix the routine maitenance soon so i can check if it saved my limbus company progress. I WAS JUST AT THE CUTSCENE AT THE END OF THE CANTO 3 BATTLE IM SO DDEAD SERIOUS DUDE IM PRAYINGGGG IT SAVED. OR AT LEAST FINISHED SO I CAN GO TO THE THEATRE AND LOOK AT IT AGAIN...... itll make my blood boil so hot it can melt tungsten. well, itll probably cool down by the time i get to myself because pengosolvent recently posted! i never knew he had OCD, but im glad he's taking care of himself. im gonna surf the internet a wee bit and wrap things up for the night before heading to bed, goodnight ao3, i will see you guys tomorrow or whenever i write again! emil, [technically a more feminine form, lets say emilia for this one, okay?], out!

10/03; former nights bring future scars.

terrible start, but heathcliff has been making me want to cut into my skin so terribly its not even funny.

i had a dream the other night where heathcliff had sexually assaulted me in a hotel, reaching under my shirt and grabbing my tits. i hated it. i hate it. i know its fake, but why did that happen? i cut myself to suppress the lust i have, as for it engulfs me in the own cost of my sanity. i go under this pen name of emil as to let out my inner risque form. its discomforting to pour my emotions onto others, i must not require their pity. its disappointing for me to see my friends feel so bad for me when ive felt like a burden my entire life with others, and i dont think im ever able to heal from that. back on 'topic' though, i really wish to cut myself the same way the pequod harpooneer identity of heathcliff's, but theres no bandaids at all in the house. why the hell do we not have bandaids??? i want my bandaids. thats the only reason why i cut myself at TJ's house too; they had the supplies for better healing. i wear short sleeves like its nobodys business, too................ oh why must i have friends who care about me. how could i ever be so precious to someone with my body engulfed in acne, wrath, blood, dead skin, dirt and scars..... how does someone love my dirty disgusting body? how did TJ, brayden, jacob and erik do it? im putrid. my digital pen name is my only source of beauty, and even then i fucked it up with this diary-journal thing. 

lies, you spill. YOU made this pseudo for THIS writing; it was meant to be ill-written. you just dont understand your own thinking process because everything is fogged up by your dirty despair. 

  . . .ok. well, anyways.... i stood home today, so thats why there's no school story.... im gonna end my writing here for the night, farewell from emil at 9;39 pm.

10/06; fml/kma/pmh

papa is in the hospital. sagittarius carving complete. cat threw up on my bed. i want to bleed. i cant get myself to work. im selfish for feeling this way. im doomed. i dont want to be like this. the smell of meat sickens me. i  cant help myself. im not emil. nobody cares for emil. i know nobody can do anything for me. i need my brain chemically changed. i need to change i need this to be fixed i cantdothisatallpleasesomeonehelpmeicantbringmyselftodoanything ithurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts i cant do this im so fucking done why cant anyone see that. i need a diagnosis please please please please please dude i have no rhytym and i have to do so many things and im slipping away everything but there are people depending on me to do things. why is growing up so hard, why do people have to tug on my wings, yes im a flightless bird but my wings still have use. emil out and hopefully forever a therapist couldnt help me for this shit

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10/07 IM ON IT BIIITCGHEESSSSUHHHH

i dont have DID i swear

ALAN HERE. im still emil but this is my true alpha form [/sil]. no but seriously, idk wtf happened but i think i got like. so depressed everything cancelled out and i went into phase 2. no more cuts, and im getting myself laid straight like a pair of starched jeans. my reasoning? i think outis. i cant confirm that but listening to brackish and realizing i quite enjoy prideful characters associated with the color indigo [coughing and severe wheezing coming from the corner as i have equius taped to the wall with ''EXAMPLE'' written beside him], why not set myself straight !! ive been too much in a low, and it was like the health insurance company we use finally paying for my brother's x-ray scan. . . . . though, you win some you lose some as always; my favorite necklace broke. i had a 2-pair that i wore a shit ton, in which the chain snapped on the clamp on the one necklace [it lasted a good while, though it was starting to revert back to copper anyway.] and... the one i wore today did the same. i cant find the charm at all, but its probably on my floor somewhere. i looked down after dropping my bracelet, conveniently saying ''glad nothing snapped'' JINXED BITCH HERE COMES THE DOOM TRAIN!!!!! its whatever i guess though, i think i'll find a cool one somewhere at the thrift this weekend. tfdym ao3 this is longer than 10 characters?? anyway. its almost 5PM so i can waste this time to play roblox before commencing getting my duties done at 7PM. im setting this time straighter than a ruler. alan/emil out.

alan x emil selfcest angst when !???? shut up bruh

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tano, tj. the woman that brings me rage by just thinking about her.

shes always too big in height and emotions, displaying whatever she has on her mind for the open. its quite disturbing when you have to hear her whine about a desire you once fulfilled and now wire you mouth shut about. words escape those wires, but you wish not to swap spit ever again. it was terrible, she always wanted it. she always wanted us to make out, to always kiss, to always advance. too large of emotions and desire. i swallow down the phantom feel of her slugging against my own taste buds. its filthy. too large of emotions. too large in height, she always towered over me and loved me. 6''0 compared to 5''2 is a bit much, isnt it?

she always towered over me. and loved me.

more than anyone.

i couldnt do anything, given my people pleasing skills. i still remember her reaching towards my crotch, always wishing to be upon the bottom, wanting me to ''be a blanket'' for her. but i know whenever we cuddled it was just to grind against me in desire. it always worked, and i hate it. my brain betrayed me in ways i couldnt imagine, though at times when i kept myself composed; i look at myself back then in joy. i never truly wanted to have sex with her, at all. i just guess i wanted to make her happy. im too nice, and i cant control it. once youve been bullied for your entire life, you try your best to be kind and liked but to no avail during most occurrences; no matter how kind you are to someone who sees you as weird, you stay that way. but seriously, i dont think i ever want anyone to ever again touch me the ways she did. she knew she could control herself. i remember the hesitation before she dug down into my pants and started trying to grab my phone that i shoved into there to avoid her grabbing it. what the fuck's her deal with taking phones, anyway? she doesnt understand boundaries, ever. i never want her to lay a finger on me ever again. never, never, never. i dont want it. ever again.