Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Pure Vanilla thought Shadow Milk was making excellent progress. Of course he was nowhere near, "nice". But he hadn't crumbled anyone or spread any career ending rumors, which was the best Pure Vanilla could currently expect out of the beast. Sure he often caused small problems for others, however there would be no changing that anytime soon. The beast wasn't exactly the best guest. However Pure Vanilla extended his hand to the beast asking for friendship, now he must make good on his promise.

Shadow Milk made his peace with Pure Vanillas wish to redeem him, although he still thought it a waste. How could a cookie whose committed such cruel an act as he has, and the go on to be forgiven? He certainly didn't think it possible, Pure Vanilla clearly did. He had been living in the Vanilla Kingdom for 2 months now with his kids minions, and it wasn't all bad... Just mostly bad. His minions seemed to be thriving under the vanilla roof. Candy Apple got a chance to socialize with other cookies her age, even if she didn't exactly try to befriend them... Black Sapphire seemed to enjoy having access to a much cleaner and well kept library. The spires library wasn't really a good place to hang about... Anyways! Shadow Milk himself had decided to stay in the Vanilla Kingdom for the time being, sometimes if he was really bored he would even entertain Pure Vanillas redemption exercises, although it was mostly just hanging out with the ex-king as he tried to coarse the beast into opening up. It never worked.

However this did not deter Pure Vanilla as he was currently making his way towards the beasts room. He usually saw Shadow Milk at least once by mid-day. Either Shadow Milk would seek Pure Vanilla out in hopes of entertainment, or he would be caught messing with something he shouldn't in hopes of entertainment. So not having anything better to do, it was the perfect time to find Shadow Milk and attempt a redemption exercise!

The Sunflower staff tapped softy against the Vanilla Wafer Flooring of the hallway, an equally soft smile grazing the staffs owners delicate features. Silently he stopped infront of a pastel yellow door, with a giant dark blue eye painted in the middle. He softly tapped on the door three times.

No response.

Well that wasn't unusual, Shadow Milk was stubborn and held grudges. He almost never answered when someone knocked on his door. That didn't stop a sudden sinking feeling from placing itself in Pure Vanillas gut.

"Bluebird?" "May I come in?" He called.

Again, no response.

Again, not unusual. However Pure Vanillas seemingly unreasonable worry only increased, not matter how hard he tried to ignore it.

The tan cookie gently pushed open the door as he had done so many times before, but instead of continuing to walk into the room as before, he stopped dead in his tracks.

He stared at the reflection in the mirror. He HATED the cookie staring back at him. He hated that cookie for many many reasons, however the main one right now was the appearance.

He was so masculine... And sometimes he loved that. Sometimes he stood infront of that mirror and didn't feel like tearing his skin off his body. Sometimes he liked how the reflection actually looked like him. sometimes. Most other times he saw the reflection and did not see himself. He didn't know what he saw in the mirror on those days, but he knew it did not look like him. He knew it was not him. On those days he wished he could shapeshift into someone else, someone who wasn't broken. Someone who felt like a real man every day, not every other month. Someone who was normal. But he couldn't. He was an actor. He had a role to play, and that role could not change forms just because they felt like it. Besides he wasn't going to create a whole new backstory for why he had to be a shifted into a different gender every time he felt so wrong. He would need too many backstorys. It was easier to keep his character the same. His co-actors would probably find it easier too. So he endured. He endured every time someone said he or him or man, he endured feeling disconnected to his own body every time he felt so... So not himself. He endured needing to avoid mirrors and needing to do his makeup blind.

He had been feeling wrong for a month or so now. A month of avoiding that feeling of wrongness. A month of internally wincing every time he was referred to as male. A goddamn month of hating who he was. A month of hating that he couldn't just be normal. A FUCKING MONTH OF THAT MIRROR LOOKING AT HIM WRONG! Anger surged though the blue cookies very dough. He didn't truly know why, and he would not try to figure out why. He slammed his fist into the mirror over and over, fresh hot tears streaking down his tense face. Punch after punch, cry after cry, the mirror gave way. It  shattered into several large jagged pieces. A few smaller shards dug into Shadow Milks knuckles, blue jam beading everywhere his dough had broken. Shadow Milk did not notice or care. He was so hyper aware of everything happening around him. His heartbeat felt to loud, his breathing too fast, his clothes too tight, the sound of Pure Vanillas staff hitting the floor in rhythmic taps getting closer, too loud.

...

Wait

OH SHIT

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Everything was too wrong right now. He did not need that "Saint" seeing the all powerful Beast of Deceit in the mists of a panic attack. Because he knew to damn well that Pure Vanilla would comfort him, and the Beast of Deceit did not deserve comfort.

He clawed at him chest as if he ripped something anything off of him... Then maybe everything would feel better. Maybe he could go back to the one of the nice days where he actually feels like a man.

tap tap tap

PURE VANILLA COOKIE CANNOT SEE HIM LIKE THIS

"Bluebird?" "May I come in?"

He rakes his sharp black painted claws nails against every exposed surface on his body, desperate to get the suffocating sensation off of him body. He feels a few stray tears drip onto him arms. "when did he start crying?" No, it must've been sweat. Beasts don't cry. Powerful cookies like him do not cry. Powerful cookies like him are not allowed to cry.

...

Warm arms envelope his entire being. He uses his entire being to attempt to push them off. The arms returns, and are much much more insistent. But now instead of a pair of arms, he's fighting off Pure Vanillas whole body, who has practically smashed Shadow Milk into his chest, using his arms to keep Shadow Milks head and waist pressed against the other. Shadow Milk squirms and wriggles in a pitiful attempt to escape, sobbing into the healers chest all the while. He continues to cry, to struggle, to run. But Pure Vanilla is physically much stronger than him, his years as a shepherd made sure of that. Shadow Milk never truly stopped struggling, but he did slow down. The shorter blue cookie continued crying his heart out, feet now firmly planted on top of the taller's. Holding his fists against the Vanillians chest, giving it a hard punch every few seconds. He doesn't register how the healer has started to pet the top of his head and run his fingers through his wildly thrashing, teary eyed hair, or how he is whispering, "it's okay, you're safe." Over and over like it's some sacred mantra. Shadow Milk would've made some snarky comment about it, had he been in the proper mindset. His tears continue pouring out of his soul, like a hundred (or several millennium in this case) year old damn finally crumbling in a big final (unintentional and unwanted) show. Sob after sob racked Shadow Milks small slender frame. And no matter when or how Shadow Milk would inevitably try to play the entire incident off, Pure Vanilla would always be waiting patiently for him, waiting for him to be ready to talk.

Chapter Text

Shadow Milk woke up slowly. As he regained awareness he lifted his head up from Pure Vanillas shoulder, hesataintly looking up and unfortunately meeting Pure Vanillas gaze before shifting to stare at the floor. The two were sat against Shadow Milks bedframe, the blue cookie resting against the others side. He reached up to rub his bleary eyes but felt his wrist grabbed by the tan cookie sitting beside him. He looked back up at the cookie beside him in confusion. Confusion that only multiplied when he saw the others worried expression.

"You're knuckles are still bleeding, rubbing your eyes would only embed the glass deeper."

Shadow Milk shifted his head to look forward, lifting his hand to stare at the blood coating it.

ohhhh

Change the subject change the subject change the subject change the subject 

"Did I fall asleep?"

Pure Vanilla was caught a little off guard by the sudden question, (mostly because it lacked the usual venom or playfulness Shadow Milk was known for.) but he quickly regained his composer and tentatively answered with a simple, "yes".

"Oh."

Silence stretched on between them, pushing down on them like a weighted blanket that was dangerously heavy. Pure Vanilla waited a few agonizingly long seconds to see if the blue cookie wished to speak, when he didn't he choose to ask before it was too late.

"Can I heal you?"

what

Shadow Milk did not respond with words. Instead he silently extended his hand to the healer sat beside him. Pure Vanilla nodded in acknowledgement before gently grabbing the extended hand with one of his own hands. His other hand started to summon white moon magic, when he paused. Shadow Milks whole body had tensed, including the hand Pure Vanilla was holding.

"I don't have to if you don't want me to."

...

"Hurry up before I change my mind."

Pure Vanilla gave him a long searching look before continuing to summon white moon magic. Slowly he placed the magic filled hand against Shadow Milks palm, allowing the healing properties to reach all the cuts without pushing on them or causing any pain. Shadow Milk winced slightly as the dark moon magic flowing through his entire being resisted what was now forcefully entering his body. Pure Vanilla only saw him wince for a few seconds before Shadow Milk corrected his expression, but that was enough time for Pure Vanilla to take a mental note of the blue cookies reaction. After a moment the magic left as soon as it had come and Shadow Milk relaxed again, retracting his hand as soon as he could.

The two sat in silence after that. Pure Vanilla would say it was a comfortable silence, Shadow Milk would not. That didn't stop the silence for stretching on for, in Shadow Milks mind, what felt like years.

Then someone (very suddenly) broke the silence.

"What upset you so much?"

The question was spoken with care. Not prying, more like genuinely curious, more like worry.

"It's nothing."

...

He was trying to brush it off, to dismiss the whole ordeal.

...

"It's most definitely something. You were having a panic attack. that is not nothing."

Shadow Milk gave an amused huff (that Pure Vanilla glared at him for) before answering.

"When an event happens so many times, it eventually just becomes part of the routine. It becomes nothing of importance."

...

"You've felt like this before?"

"Yeah? It's the norm for me at this point."

...

Aw shit. He said too much...

...

"Soooo could we like... Never talk about this again?" Shadow Milk gave a small guilty smile as he turned to face Pure Vanilla.

Pure Vanilla gave him that same concerned searching look before he answered. "Shadow Milk, i want to help you. But I can't do that if you don't tell me what wrong first."

"I don't want your help!" Shadow Milk spat, immediately pulling his knees up and burying his head in his between his legs, arms wrapped around his curled body.

...

oh bluebird...

...

"You don't have to accept me. I only ask that you don't push me away."

...

"We'll see."

Chapter Text

Sleep never came easily for Shadow Milk (not that he really tried). That being said, he has now fallen asleep and actually stayed asleep, twice. Pure Vanilla noticed that the Beast rarely slept, because of course he did. And he was actually rather thrilled to see Shadow Milk getting real, restful, true sleep. After their previous conversation, Shadow Milk displayed obvious signs of fatigue, fatigue he denied when Pure Vanilla asked if he was tired. Pure Vanilla being the cookie that he is, essentially manhandled Shadow Milk into the bed behind them when he realized Shadow Milk would likely not be making any attempt whatsoever to sleep. After an hour or so of struggling, threats, and a few quickly healed bites, Shadow Milk had fallen asleep. His inky hair laid over both cookies on the bed, twitching and flicking upwards every so often. One strand of hair in particular wrapped itself around Pure Vanillas arm. An action, subconscious or not, the vanillain found rather endearing, and frankly, cute. Shadow Milk had been laying flat on his back, keyword, had. He'd readjusted himself to be lying on his side, facing Pure Vanilla. Pure Vanilla followed suit, and readjusted himself to face Shadow Milk as well. Sure Pure Vanillas eyesight wasn't the best, but up close he could see much better. Pure Vanilla stared at the sleeping cookie infront of him. Even Pure Vanilla had to admit, he was beautiful. Up close his features softened quite a bit. Instead of borderline predatory, he looked vulnerable. He looked at peace.

The Vanilla cookie ran his hand through the others law of physics denying hair, taking extra precaution to avoid hitting the closed eyes within it. He was pleasantly surprised when Shadow Milks hair actually felt like hair. The other cookie stirred a bit when he was first touched, but did not wake up. Pure Vanilla continued running his hand through the others hair as he let his mind wander. He had overviewed the timeline of events from his perspective many times over. He entered Shadow Milks room, Shadow Milk had a shattered mirror surrounding him whilst he had a panic attack, whether it was shattered before or during, is up for debate, Pure Vanilla then went to hug and comfort Shadow Milk, who resisted and tried to escape, finally after about an hour an a half of crying, Shadow Milk had fallen asleep in his arms and he sat them both down and the side of the bed. After Shadow Milk woke up, he had healed Shadow Milks hands from the shattering of the mirror, (that has not been cleaned up yet), after which Shadow Milk let slip that he felt so... Whatever that was, very often. Then he got Shadow Milk to (reluctantly) agreed not push him away, finally After some persuasion Shadow Milk had fallen asleep again, actually on the bed, next to him.

Pure Vanilla thought over Shadow Milks behavior from the last few weeks in search of any clue as to what caused his beloved bluebird such distress. However it's hard to find evidence of what upset him when Pure Vanilla didn't know what upset him. His only clue was when Shadow Milk stated when it (whatever it may be) happens so often it becomes less important. A statement Pure Vanilla whole heartedly disagreed with. Maybe it was something on his dough that upset him? Pure Vanilla couldn't recall a time he's seen Shadow Milk in anything but long sleeves and pants... No it couldn't be that, Shadow Milk said whatever it was that upset him was an event, or at least wasn't constant. Something on his dough would be 24/7... So then what is it? What caused the all powerful Beast of Deceit to have a panic attack?

A soft grumble from the cookie next to him pulled Pure Vanilla out of his thoughts. He had poked one of the eyes in his friends hair while mindlessly petting him. The strand of hair wrapped around Pure Vanillas arm tightened slightly. So slightly most cookies wouldn't have noticed, Pure Vanilla was not most cookies. He noticed a lot of habits and patterns from Shadow Milk, storing them away in a mental notebook. Like how never not once has he seen Shadow Milk eat. Or his refusal to leave a craft unfinished for more than a month. Maybe he should be more insistent when asking if Shadow Milk wanted to eat... A different piece of Shadow Milks hair flicked up and landed across Pure Vanillas waist, again pulling Pure Vanilla out of his thoughts. A small giggle left the vanilla cookies lips as he looked down to see Shadow Milk had pressed himself against Pure Vanilla chest. Wrapping his limbs around any part of the ex-king that he could. Who would've thought the feared Beast of Deceit would be so cuddly? Pure Vanilla was more than happy to return the affection, and snuggled up next to the sleeping cookie beside him. Pure Vanilla hugged the blue cookie tightly to his chest, an action the unconscious cookie copied and repeated. Pure Vanilla watched the slow rise and fall of his bluebirds chest, his bluebirds non-newtonian hair wriggle and cuddle into him. The mixed scent of vanilla and blueberry combined with the setting sunlight peeking through the navy curtains, and having a cold body even out his natural warm body temperature created the perfect lullaby for Pure Vanilla to fall asleep too. Just one final thought crossed him mind before the warm embrace of sleep took him. A thought he decided to voice to his bluebird wether he heard it or not.

"Bluebird, I'm always ready to help you in any way I can. Please just let me..."