Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It should have been a normal, perfect day in Barbie world. But as Barbie woke up that morning, she could immediately tell something was wrong. For the first time in her life, she felt tired.

Not just tired. Exhausted. Like she had just been hit by a Barbie dream camper. She sat up, rubbing her eyes. The sheets in her queen-sized mattress were extra tempting when set against the ache in her plastic limbs. Regardless, she got up from bed and walked to the mirror. And then, she screamed.

As she gazed into the fake mirror, her eyes widened with terror. Dark circles surrounded her eyes, bags falling underneath them. She touched her face, hands shaking. Barbie had never looked this… this middle aged. She looked like someone from Dance Moms.

“What is going on?” She cried out. As she looked closer, she began to see something even more terrifying.

Little red bulbs were beginning to poke out from beneath her usually clear skin. They didn’t just look awful, they hurt. Acne.

She gasped in shock and ran to her closet. She frantically searched for something to cover her face. She eventually found a very pink bedazzled paper bag with eyeholes and threw it over her head.

Just then, she heard something outside.

She ran to her bedroom window, terrified that it would be another abnormality coming for her. And, to some extent, she was right. Weird Barbie (played by Kate Mckinnon) was naruto running towards her dreamhouse. Barbie rushed down the stairs to see her, wondering if she knew why all these crazy things were happening to her.

“Weird Barbie played by Kate McKinnon!” Barbie exclaimed as she ran onto her front porch, “Something really weird is going on! My skin is rashing and I have these weird things under my eyes and…and I look kinda like you!”

She pulled the bag from her face and revealed her worsening skin.

“Ok first of all, fuck you,” Weird Barbie (played by Kate McKinnon) replied, “And secondly, I’m afraid you’re right Barbie. Someone got lowkey freaky with a Barbie doll and it opened a rift between our world and the human world!”

”What?!?”
”And when I say freaky, I mean freaky…”

“No,” Barbie gasped, “It can’t be! We don’t even have private parts! It’s all just plastic down there!”

“Well, they somehow did it. And now all the characters from every multiverse have been thrust into the human world. The rift has opened the BBC!”

“Wait, what’s the BBC?”

“The Big Booty Multiverse.”

“But multiverse doesn’t start with a C…”

“That’s not the point!” Weird Barbie (played by Kate McKinnon) cried out, “What matters is that you have to go in and fix everything so we can get back to normal. Otherwise Barbie everywhere will have to… to go through… menopause.”

“No, this can’t be…”

”That’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that we’d all have to start seeing the gynecologist!”

“NO!!!” Barbie began to cry, “How do I fix it? How do I make myself look young again?”

Weird Barbie (played by Kate McKinnon) grabbed Barbie by the shoulders and whispered in her ear, “Go through the portal in between my legs. It will take you to where you need to go. Find the person causing the rift, and stop them. Resolve their trauma or whatever multiverse mending Barbie would do.”

“This thing we have going on right now seems very sexually charged,” Barbie whispered back.

“Yeah the writers had bills to pay so we have to do some fan service. NOW GO BARBIE!!!”

With weight the entire Barbie race resting on her shoulders, Barbie took a deep breath in, steadying her nerves. Multiverse mending Barbie? I like the sound of that, she thought as she dove into Weird Barbie (played by Kate McKinnon)’s pants.

. . .

As Barbie emerged from between Weird Barbie (played by Kate McKinnon)’s thighs, she began to look at her surroundings. The city of Boston was crowded and bustling, not only with people, but also characters. Characters from just about every copyrightable universe imaginable. Barbie walked along the dingy sidewalk, passing by a group of Disney villains snorting crack off the pothole covers. A band of heroes from the MCU strolled out of a local bar, their faces flushed, spirits buzzing.

Just then, she heard someone yelling in the distance. She felt something hit her hard on the head, and she fell flat back onto the pavement, sending lines of coke shooting out from under her. Ignoring the glares from the villains, she sat up and saw a crusty looking newspaper in front of her. The front page read: SONIC SUES FOR THE RIGHT TO OWN HIMSELF.

Barbie tilted her head in confusion: she didn’t know that you could own the rights to yourself. All she knew is that Mattel owned the rights to do whatever they wanted with her. She became intrigued by this idea, trying to look for the person who threw it at her.

Suddenly, What Was I Made For by Billie Eilish started playing as she felt a strong energy pulling her towards a three story brick building at the end of the road. She couldn’t explain it, but something in her plastic gut was urging her to go there. She strutted over to the building and opened up the big wooden doors. Her gut continued to guide her higher and higher until she got to the top floor. As she walked down the hall, the feeling grew even stronger, even more unexplainable, like someone had hooked her on a line and was dragging her closer and closer until she was theirs.

The last obstacle in her way was another set of wooden doors. She could hear faint chatter from behind them, as if someone was in the middle of a very important meeting.
With all the strength she could muster up in her exhausted body, she heaved open the doors and peered inside.

There, the universe skidded to a stop. Barbie’s eyes fell onto a particularly pretty woman dressed in all pink. The woman was leaning over the table, speaking to a team of men in suits. Her eyes sparkled like diamonds when the light hit them.

The woman quickly noticed Barbie, and smiled, flashing her perfect teeth at her. Barbie remembered how she looked at the moment and shamefully covered her face with her hair.

The woman strode over, holding out her hand to Barbie. Barbie’s stomach fluttered and she touched the woman’s hand. It was a little awkward, Barbie being a little semi-plastic and all, but the woman didn’t seem to mind. Her hands were soft and warm, and her eyes locked gently onto Barbie’s.

“You must be my new assistant!” She smiled brightly, “My name is Elle. Elle Woods. Welcome to the Legally Blonde Law Firm.”

Chapter Text

Barbie stared at Elle, trying to comprehend what she had just heard.

“The Legally Blonde Law Firm?”

“Exactly!” Elle replied excitedly, “And I’m so glad you’re here. We have a pretty tough case ahead of us.”

On a hunch, Barbie replied, “The one about Sonic?”

“Yes!” Elle clapped her hands together, “Look at you, already two steps ahead! I was just meeting with my colleagues to discuss what we’re going to present at the trial on Monday.”

Barbie looked over Elle’s shoulders and saw a group of rather unique characters. A catlike human, dressed in all black, waved his claws slyly at Barbie. A small fairy dressed in all green fluttered around, a tinkling sound emanating from her wings. A small, stuffed bear with a red shirt lay face down, slumped in a pot of honey while a sentient round green ball tried to rouse him.

  Elle’s eyes followed Barbie’s gaze. She gasped and put her hands on Barbie’s shoulders.

“I’m so sorry! Where are my manners? This is my legal team,” Elle pressed her hand on Barbie’s back and guided her over to the table. The contact made Barbie’s skin flush.

“This is Mr. Mistoffelees, Tinkerbell, Winnie who is currently incapacitated, and Sour Bill. Oh, and I forgot to ask for your name! Please, introduce yourself.”

In a situation like this, Barbie would normally feel confident and collected. However, due to the current state of her appearance, she felt shyer than she ever had before.

  “Um…I’m Barbie.”

“Good to meet you, Barbie,” Elle flashed her a warm, genuine smile before turning to the group, “Now, let’s review the case. Mistoffelees, can you give us a brief summary of the events so far?”

“Sure,” he purred, “This case is between the plaintiff Sonic and the defendant Paramount. When the rift between the real world and our respective worlds opened, Sonic came through and discovered that Paramount Studios had secretly taped him and was using the footage to create the Sonic movie franchise. Sonic claimed that this was utterly unethical, and he sought us out for our legal advice.”

His eyes twinkled as he continued, ”Elle has taken this case pro bono because of the impact this could have for all of the characters from alternate realities. This is a groundbreaking case for character rights and equality.“

“Thank you, Mistoffelees,” Elle strode to the front of the table, “This is a violation of Sonic’s Fourth Amendment rights, which guarantee him privacy in his home world. Although the world he lives in is public to the residents of that world, that does not mean that Paramount is allowed to record those residents without their consent. Furthermore, the state of Massachusetts follows a two-party consent law, meaning that if Sonic did not give his consent to be filmed, then the movie is a violation of his right to privacy. What we need to prove is that Paramount illegally filmed Sonic and profited from the footage. That will get us our win.”

Barbie sat down, rubbing her forehead. This was a lot to take in for such a skinny, snatched doll. She had learned a lot of new information in the past twenty minutes. How was she supposed to keep up? She wasn’t even supposed to be here. She was supposed to be back in Barbieland doing her hair and rejecting all the Kens.

She winced at that thought. Maybe it was better here.

Elle’s voice snapped her out of her trance, “So, Barbie, when you get back home, I would love for you to take this case file and write an opening statement for Monday’s trial.”

Elle handed Barbie an orange folder filled to the brim with paper.

“Um… I don’t… I don’t exactly have a home.”

Elle stopped in her tracks, looking utterly perplexed, “What do you mean, you don’t have a home? How did you get here?”

Barbie didn’t exactly know how to explain that she emerged from between a woman’s thighs into the city of Boston, so she chose to keep her mouth shut.

“Well, this simply won’t do,” Elle muttered to herself, “You won’t be able to work on the case if you have nowhere to go back to.

Barbie hung her head in shame. Only 45 minutes in the human world, and she was already proving useless.

“How about you come stay with me?”

Barbie’s head shot up. Her eyes fell onto Elle’s. 

“What?”

“Well,” Elle replied, putting her hand on Barbie’s shoulder, “I don’t want you out there on the streets. You can come stay with me, and that way we can work on the case together. Only if you’d like, of course.”

 Barbie wanted to squeal with joy, as a warm sensation gushed out from her chest, “Really, you’d do that for me?”

”Of course,” Elle affirmed, a smile gracing her lips again, “I’d do that for anyone who needs it.”

The feeling faded quickly, replaced by a sharp knot that kept Barbie’s response short, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Well, we were just wrapping up when you came in. If no one has any final thoughts, I think we can adjourn for today. Thank you all for coming on such short notice. We have a couple meetings left before we go to trial, so I’ll contact you all with more information.”

Everyone stood up from the table and began to shuffle out from the room. Barbie and Elle stayed behind as Elle rummaged for something in her bag.

“Sorry Barbie, I’m always so forgetful,” Elle said, pulling her keys out, “There we go. Let’s head out, okay?”

Barbie swallowed nervously and followed Elle out the door.

. . . 

As Barbie sat in the passenger seat, Red Wine Supernova playing in the background, she stared at the buildings passing from her window.

Elle glanced at Barbie, trying to keep her eyes on the road, “So, Barbie, I haven’t noticed you around much. Granted, it is quite a big city, but the law scene here is generally very tight knit. Where are you from?”

Barbie turned to look at Elle, at a loss for words. She said the first city that came to her mind, “Uh, Malibu.”

“Malibu! That’s fun. All beaches and oceans along the west coast. I used to be really into that kind of stuff when I was in high school.”

Used to? Barbie found this strange. She had never thought of the idea that you could be into something at a point in your life, and then not be into it later. Barbie had always been into dresses and pink and glitter and dreamhouses ever since she was created. She supposed it was how she was manufactured to be.

“What happened?” Barbie asked curiously.

“Ooh, that is a big question!” Elle chuckled. Barbie liked that sound a lot.

“Well,” Elle continued, “When I was in high school, I was really into this guy, like a lot. Like, I thought we were gonna get married and stuff. But then he broke up with me. Said I wasn’t goal-oriented enough and I ‘didn’t fit’ into his plans for his career. So, to spite him, I decided to show him that I could be just as smart as anyone. He had been accepted into Harvard, so I decided to take the LSAT and I got in! At the time, I was trying to impress him so he would take me back, but then I realized that I really had a passion for law. I helped on a couple of cases, graduated top of my class, and I’ve been really focused on helping people ever since.”

“Wow,” Barbie said, “That’s really impressive, Elle. That could be like, a movie plot or something.”

“Oh, you flatter me,” Elle replied, pulling into the parking lot outside her apartment complex, “Here we are! I know it doesn’t look much on the outside, but I promise you my apartment looks nice.”

Elle led Barbie up the stairs of the complex. Barbie’s legs were aching by the time she got to the top floor.

As Elle swung the door open, Barbie’s eyes were overtaken by a blast of color.

Pink. 

Everywhere.

Apart from the wooden floors and the white walls, the whole room was lined with different shades of pink. Her eyes darted from the hot pink sofa decorated with baby pink cushions, to the magenta curtains that covered the large windows. Roses sat on the kitchen counter, while a peach fruit basket perched next to it. As Barbie leaned down to take off her fuchsia heels, she found that they blended into the soft rug beneath her. 

She was astonished that anyone liked pink as much as she did. 

“Please, make yourself at home,” Elle called out as she put her briefcase down on the kitchen table, “I’m sorry in advance for all the color. Most people find it an eyesore, but I just can’t resist pink.”

“No, it’s…I love it,” Barbie said, mostly to herself, “It’s beautiful.”

Elle went silent for a moment, registering Barbie’s appreciation. She blinked rapidly a couple of times, before clearing her throat, “Well, thank you. I’m glad to hear that it’s not too much for you,” she reached out a hand, “Now, let’s show you to your room.” 

Barbie took her hand and was led to a room with a comfortable looking bed, nightstands, and, most importantly, a walk-in closet.

Seeing the bed before her, Barbie let out a yawn. She hadn’t realized it, but all this complicated lawyer stuff could make a doll very tired.

Elle noticed this quickly, “Why don't you get some rest and we can start work in the morning? You go lay down, and let me know if you need anything at all.”

Barbie gave Elle a nod before sauntering into the closet for a pair of pajamas. She grabbed a silk pink nightgown and, after slipping it on, dove into the covers.

A small sigh left her as she felt the weight of the day crash down onto her. Her eyes slid closed a moment later. The last thing she remembered was hearing the click of the light switch, and the feeling of calm that washed over her.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Barbie woke up feeling like herself again. The exhaustion and stress from the previous day seemed to have evaporated from her. She got up, put on a short pink dress, threw her hair up, and headed out of the bedroom.

A scent caught her nose right as she entered the kitchen. She could hear the sizzling of a frying pan as she felt the heat slowly waft over her cheeks.

Elle was standing at the stove, cooking something that smelled delicious. She spotted Barbie and waved her over.

“Good morning!” Elle said cheerfully, “I hope you got some good rest last night, because we’ve got a lot to do today. Here, I made you breakfast.”

Elle handed Barbie a plate with eggs, bacon, and French toast on it. There were a few berries as decoration on top, forming a smiley face. Barbie had eaten lavish and gourmet meals before, but this somehow looked like the best food she’d ever seen.

“Thank you, Elle.” Barbie took the food gratefully. She flashed Elle a grin and sat down at the small, pink dining table in the kitchen.

Soon, Elle joined Barbie at the table, holding a plate of her own. They ate in silence for a while. Barbie could practically feel the silence of the room breathing down the back of her neck. She wanted to say something, but didn’t know what. And even if she did know, she might not have the words to say it.

Barbie was very relieved when Elle began to talk again, as if she had hardly noticed the silence.

“So,” Elle turned to Barbie, “Today I am going to go meet with our client for a briefing on the trial. I figured you’d wanna come along too, being new to actual legal practices and all. We’ll go meet him, you can observe and offer input, and it’ll be a great learning experience for both you and him. Does that sound okay?”

Barbie swallowed a bit of French toast and nodded, “I’m not sure I’ll be of much help, but yes, I’d like to go.”

“Aww, don’t put yourself down, girl! You’ll be a natural at it, trust me,” Elle flashed her perfect smile again and Barbie had the impulse to look down, a strange knot closed her throat.

The knot persisted as she clicked her buckle into place in the passenger seat of Elle’s pink convertible Mazda Miata. Barbie stared out of the car window, a sinking feeling in her stomach as Elle drove them to meet Sonic. Barbie really did appreciate all that Elle was doing for her- which is why she felt so bad about lying to her. The secret would have to come out eventually; not even perfectly blonde hair and 5-inch heels could compensate for a three-year intensive law education program.

The buildings flew by in a blur until the car came to a halt in front of a large brick building. The windows were smothered with closed shutters, while ivy skittered up the sides. Black smog plumed from a chimney on the roof, reaching high into the clouds. The building looked like an utterly boring place to live. Her eyes trailed up to read the sign above the front door: Care for Cartoons.

“Where are we?” Barbie asked as she stepped out of the car, wincing as the harsh sunlight hit her face. For the first time since Barbie had met her, Elle looked sullen.

“We are at the Boston Animated Children’s Orphanage,” Elle replied softly as she walked toward the front door.

Orphanage? Why would they be at an orphanage? Barbie was puzzled, but followed Elle inside anyway. Maybe Sonic works at the orphanage, Barbie thought to herself.

Elle spoke to a frazzled-looking woman at the front desk. The woman has curly, unkempt orange hair and an oddly patterned purple dress.

“We’re here to see Sonic. Remember me? I’m his attorney, Elle Woods. You’ll find the documentation on his file.”

The woman pressed her glasses closer to her face. Gazing at the ancient computer in front of her, she mumbled, “Sonic…yes, everything seems to be in order. He’s in his bedroom right now, so you should be able to go right up and see him.

“Thank you,” Elle replied gracefully. She gestured for Barbie to follow her up the stairs. As Barbie passed the woman, she read the name on the woman’s scuffed nameplate: MS FRIZZLE.

At the top of the staircase, Elle and Barbie approached a wooden door at the end of a long hallway. The door was slightly cracked open, and Barbie could see a baby blue wallpaper peeking out from inside. The door had a paper sign taped on it that read: DIS SONIK ROOM! DO NOT KOM IN. Barbie was confused, not quite registering why that sign was there. Did one of the orphaned kids make that for him? Was this actually Sonic’s room, and if this was, was Sonic-

Barbie didn’t have time to finish her thought. Elle pushed the door open and the two of them walked inside.

“Sonic? It’s Elle. I’m here to see you,” Elle said in a soft, motherly voice.

The room was relatively small, filled to the brim with toy racing cars and NASCAR posters. In the corner there was a racecar bed, and sitting on top of it was a small, cartoonish blue hedgehog in a dinosaur shirt, playing on an iPad.

“Hi Elle!” The little hedgehog ran over, holding out his iPad, “Check out my new skin in Fortnite.”

Barbie stood, absolutely stunned as Elle bent down to look at Sonic’s iPad.

“Woah, thats so cool!” Elle smiled and turned to look up at Barbie, “Barbie, this is our client, Sonic. Sonic, this is my friend Barbie. She’s gonna be helping us out, okay?

Barbie was shocked. Sonic was a child? Looking at him, he could be no more than eight years old. How could a child sue an entire film company?

Sonic stared up at Barbie. He spoke with a lisp when he talked, “You’re blonde like Elle is. But that’s okay because blonde people are cool too. But mine’s blue, and blue is the BEST!”

He held his tiny hand out to Barbie. Barbie took it carefully, worried that she might hurt him if she held his hand too hard. Sonic shook her hand once and then ran back to his bed. He stood smugly by it and put his hand on the frame.

“I bet your bed isn’t even a racecar,” he smiled tauntingly, showing off the gap between his teeth. Without wasting a second, he grasped a fake steering wheel and shouted, “VROOM VROOM!”

Elle chuckled and turned to look at Barbie, who was still stunned. Elle put a hand on Barbie’s shoulder.

“Probably not the client you were expecting, right?” Elle laughed as Barbie shook her head, “I wasn’t expecting him either. I didn’t even think that kids knew lawyers existed. But he was really serious about wanting to sue. He hopes, with the money, he might be able to find a permanent family.”

Barbie couldn’t help but feel bad for the little hedgehog. Sure, he was an unusual client, but it seemed like he had it a lot harder than she did. Barbie wondered how long he’d been here.

Elle and Barbie crossed over to Sonic’s bed. Elle took Sonic’s iPad and began scrolling through Youtube. Barbie looked quizzically at Elle.

“This is the only way to get him to pay attention,” she said, pulling up a video of Subway Surfers and setting the iPad down on the bed. Sonic instantly stopped what he was doing and sat criss-cross applesauce in front of the iPad, watching the screen with wide eyes.

“Now, Sonic,” Elle started, “Could you tell me one last time exactly what we went over?”

“Ooh, I remember! You told me to say that Paramount is being illegal and that the movie of me is a… uh…” Sonic squinted as he tried to remember, “a…a violation of my rights?”

“Very good, Sonic! Barbie, what do you think might be helpful for Sonic to say?”

Elle and Sonic turned to look at Barbie. She swallowed nervously before speaking.

“Um… maybe something about the copyright laws? Like, although Paramount does own the copyright to the franchise, they’re infringing on Sonic’s right to himself and therefore the copyright is invalid?”

“Ughh…big words hurt my brain,” Sonic whined, clutching his head.

Elle smiled sympathetically, “That’s good, Barbie, but you have to put it into words he’ll understand,” She turned back to Sonic, “What Barbie is saying is that the company never asked you if they could take videos of you. But they did anyway! And now they think they have the right to make movies and games and toys of you all the time. But we think that you should have the biggest say in what movies and games and toys are made about you. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah! I think I get it,” Sonic turned to Barbie, “You’re pretty smart like Elle too. I guess blonde people can be smart too.”

“Thank you,” Barbie smiled. Somehow, she was getting the hang of this

. . . 

After briefing with Sonic for another hour, Elle stood up, satisfied with their work.

“Well, I think everyone’s done a very good job today, so me and Barbie can go home now.”

Home. The word made Barbie’s chest flutter strangely.

“Oh, okay.” Sonic replied. Barbie noticed that Sonic became quieter. She felt bad. Poor kid probably didn’t have a lot of visitors.

“Sonic, I have a little gift for you,” Elle said, pulling a blue racecar out of her purse.

Sonic scrambled over excitedly, grabbing the racecar from her, “WOAH! This is SO cool! And it’s blue, just like me! Thank you Elle!” Sonic hugged Elle’s knees and then ran off to play with his new toy.

“I try to bring something for him when I come around,” Elle explained as they walked out of the orphanage, “This is one of the better orphanages for cartoon children, but I imagine he gets quite bored and lonely…”

Barbie nodded, opening the passenger side door, “That was very thoughtful, Elle. I think you made his day.”

Elle’s eyes widened before she broke into a wide grin,” You really think so?” 

“I know so,” Barbie replied, as a tingly feeling coursed through her chest.  

Despite all of the crazy things that had happened in the past two days, Barbie somehow felt secure. She guessed helping out Sonic with Elle, and being in this world wasn’t so bad after all. She knew her mission was to restore the rift between the real and alternate worlds, but maybe she could hold off on that for a while, and do some real good in this one.