Archive of Our Own ^beta

South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison’s classroom.

Garrison: Alright class, I’m sure you’re all dying to know how Rick made it up to me for using AI to sext me.

The whole class was silent.

Garrison: He tied me up real good and went all crazy on my pickle! It was like what Ariana sings about!

Kyle, thinking: Damn, this school sucks booty cheeks.

Stan started writing a note to his beloved boyfriend on a piece of notebook paper. Garrison was too entranced by his own storytelling to notice.

Stan, whispering while passing the note: Kyle!

Kyle read it. It said: “Bro, I’m so fucking bored right now. Wanna ditch by asking to use the restroom?”

Kyle, raising his hand: “Mr. Garrison, can I go to the restroom?”

Garrison: “I don’t know, can you?”

Kyle: “I’ll smear shit all over the walls if you don’t let me go.”

The boy’s restroom, Stan arrives shortly after Kyle.

Stan: Dude, I literally couldn’t care less about Rick.

Kyle: I know, can’t he just actually teach us anything again? If I wanted to hear about someone else’s drama, I’d watch whatever show my mom does, with those ladies that are always fighting over their kids doing dances.

Stan: Dance Moms?

Kyle: Yeah, how’d you know?

Stan: No reason.

Randy is the biggest fan of Dance Moms. He personally relates to Abby Lee Miller.

Stan: I wish there was something to do here after the phone ban.

Nathan then came out of a stall.

Nathan: I hear you're looking for a good time? I have all the good shit, for a price.

Kyle: What are talking about?

Nathan, whispering: Drugs! But no one can know!

Stan: But Nathan, drugs are bad!

Nathan: How would you know if you never got faded before?

Kyle: All the adults tell us to say no.

Nathan: And they're fucking stupid. Have some fent, just a little couldn't hurt.

Kyle and Stan took the pills Nathan offered. They felt a euphoric feeling, and were numb.

Nathan, giving them a piece of paper: Call my burner if you want more. I can't always do business in the same place.

They went back to class.

Garrison: ...and then Rick made sure we had a good, sexy Valentine's Day together!

The bell rang. Stan and Kyle went into the hallways. Kyle kissed Stan.

Kyle: Dude, Nathan wasn't lying about fent! Fent kicks ass!

Stan: I feel kinda drowsy, though.

Kyle: It's probably nothing, we only took one pill.

Enter PC Principal.

PC Principal: You boys haven't been taking anything in the restroom, right?

Kyle: No?

PC Principal: Good, because when I catch whoever's been giving out drugs, I'll make sure they get 2 weeks of detention! Maybe even 3!

Stan: Good luck, I guess.

Stan and Kyle got on the bus home. Suddenly, Kyle started feeling sick.

Kyle, vomiting: Blech!

The students: Ew!

The students moved away from them. Stan and Kyle arrived back home, unsure of wanting a round 2 with this drug they don't truly comprehend.

End of Chapter 1