Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Hold on to Jeremiah, he will never let you fall….”

A lot of people believe I was too hard on Jeremiah; John, Jeremiah, Steven, Belly, even Adam. I think they were right.
I had been so vehement and stubborn in my objection to their first marriage when they were just 21.
I told everyone I was just concerned because they were too young, that I wanted Belly to have many lovers even though I knew that had it been a different Fisher brother that had asked to marry my daughter, I would have given my blessing in a beat.

I couldn’t find it in me to genuinely believe that their relationship was going to the next stage, that it was happening, all without any hiccups; it was too good to be true. What should have been a good thing became bad.

I never imagined we would get to that point, and I was not prepared for it. This was the sort of reality Susannah and I never thought would be possible; 4 happy years of being together and now marriage?

It was already a miracle that they dated that long, I just knew a marriage would break them in the worst possible way, in a way they would not be able to recover from. I needed them to wait a little longer, I needed to be sure, sorry I spent the last 4 years holding my breath and didn’t pay enough attention.

Before Susannah and I decided that Belly should end up with Conrad because it was our greatest desire that she married a Fisher boy from the moment her gender was confirmed in an ultrasound, we already ruled Jeremiah out.
He was 7 and Belly was 6 and anyone with eyes could see that he and Belly were inseparable and loved to be with each other the most.
The year she turned 10 and Belly had her little crush on Conrad, it felt like destiny.

It made so much sense to us back then and to me for many years after. Now, it feels like the height of foolishness. I look back and wonder what kind of spell we have both been under.

I won’t say I didn’t see the many ways in which they didn’t fit, how things that came so easy to Jeremiah like complimenting Belly, getting her to laugh the hardest when she was the saddest, noticing everything about her, were such an effort for Conrad. I told myself not to compare them.
I was also not blind to the fact that Belly and Conrad functioned best when he was being a big brother to her, when he was teaching her stuff like math, explaining the infinity theory to her, showing her how a bike works. They worked best when she was looking up to him, and so we capitalized on that. Conrad was such a nerd and she looked at him with such awe while he taught her things she didn’t know; she looked at him then like he hung the sun. A curious child, Belly forgot everything else when she was with Conrad but when she was with Jeremiah, she remembered herself, they learnt new things together. It was awe inspiring watching them together; they glowed together, like two halves of the same sun.

Conrad was not an easy kid to love, he shut people out and he didn’t love the things everyone did. He ran from open affection, except when he had to be a smart ass and dazzle everyone with his intelligence, which Belly happened to be the only one interested in being dazzled. His interests were so niched and unrelatable and in a way, it was only Belly that saw him, her curiosity opening him up. He liked that and then he liked her. Of course he liked her, who wouldn’t like that kind of attention? It made him study even harder just so he could know more new things to teach her.

It was beautiful to see them be that way but what was even more beautiful was how Belly soaked in every single thing he said, asked him a million questions and after, raced with her cute, little legs to go share with Jeremiah, who was always excited to learn new things with Belly, Belly being ready to answer all his many questions because she already asked them. It was so adorable, the way they made some of the things they learnt into inside jokes like one time, Conrad had been obsessed with rocks and rock formations and taught Belly about Igneous rocks.

A week later, I heard Jeremiah declare after a heavy dinner on Belly’s 12th birthday; “I’m going to have an igneous in my stomach if I keep eating but I can’t stop.

Conrad didn’t like that at all and even less when Jeremiah winked at Belly who couldn’t stop giggling.
That night when I went round checking on the kids at bedtime, Conrad was on his bed holding a mirror and trying to wink. It wasn’t as smooth as Jeremiah’s.

Was I happy that they got together after Susannah’s cancer secret was out?
Oh yes!

Why? Because it was the first time he was cracking, the first time he was opening up to anyone. It was like a huge burden was taken off his shoulder after such a dark summer.

But was I shocked they broke up after barely six months together and Belly was barely floating, with her grades tanking and being kicked out of the volleyball team?
Also no.

So why the fuck had I been so adamant to support her wedding with Jeremiah after they’ve been so happy together, after they both coursed through the most difficult time of her life after she got her injury and had to leave volleyball for good?

Why wasn’t the fact that while Conrad used his heartbreak to stay away from everyone for 4 years, Jeremiah became a part of my family, having cooking dates with my mother, Belly and Steven’s Halmeoni not enough for me?
The boy called her Halmeoni too for God’s sake!

My mom didn’t like the biggest fan of obnoxious white men, she barely even liked John but she had loved Jeremiah. She asked about him for years after the breakup. She never met Conrad. She spoke him on a video call once and asked me in Korean, “are you sure those two are brothers? This one is like bland kimchi.”

How didn’t I see it that Belly and Conrad would burn out exactly the way they did because there was never really anything there in the first place?

If he was the sun, she was dry grass, he would consume her and leave only ashes behind. He almost did the first time and then the second time after they reconnected in Paris. I remember the call that night, a few months after they’ve been together and she said to me, “mom, you were wrong. You and Susannah were wrong. Conrad was never the man for me,” and all the guilt I had been avoiding after I spoke to Jeremiah slammed into me, there was no escaping it anymore.

I booked the first flight next day to her. She had just broken up with Conrad, basically kicked him out in the middle of the night and Jeremiah hadn’t spoken to her in over a year, he wouldn’t take her calls or reply her texts and he had her blocked on all social media.

When I told her about how broken he had been after the breakup, she curled into a ball and howled like I ripped her soul out of her body.

“He lied,” she moaned inconsolably. “He always lied. Conrad told me that he said good luck and gave his blessings. Jeremiah didn’t wish me a happy birthday that year so I thought it was true, that he was done with me, that he hated me so I felt like I had to be with him, it’s what you and Susannah wanted anyway but now I hate him. I hate him so much, I could kill him!”

I didn’t know when I got into bed with her and held her until she cried herself to sleep. I held her because it truly felt like she was going to spill out of her body in pain.

It is easy to lie to yourself when you’re doing something you’re not very sure is the right thing, but it is different when you see the impact on the people you love.

I could have stopped when I had the chance to, I tried, when Conrad spoke to me. I thought that was me looking out for everybody, that if Conrad was alright, then everyone was alright but I had been so fucking wrong.

Why did I keep telling myself that I was doing the right thing, that this is what Susannah would have wanted?
Was this what she would have wanted?
If she saw them the way they way they were those four years, would she have still been stuck on Belly and Conrad?

Many nights I have asked myself this same question and every time, I know the answer.
She would have changed her mind because she was Susannah. Her mind worked in a flux, unlike mine. She was like a bird, didn’t dwell on things forever, I was the opposite, I barely changed my mind on things.
And I told Jeremiah we couldn’t know what Susannah wanted.
I wasn’t only stupid, I was also stubborn.

Because I thought this was like a film I had seen before, and didn’t like the ending. Accepting them was like having a wolf on your door, hoping it was a puppy, like feeding a fire and hoping it doesn’t consume you.

It wasn’t in my place to decide if it was going to work with them or not, I couldn’t know. All I know is that the last time I witnessed something like this, it didn’t and it nearly killed me to watch how it killed her, Susannah. I felt burdened by my flight or fight so I fought.

People come and go, husbands come and go, you can survive that but when you lose your soulmate, a part of you dies, a part of you never comes back to you. I wish I had thought harder about this then.

Now, I’m seating like a stranger on a pew, clutching Susannah’s letter to Jeremiah and blowing my nose because Belly’s vow to him was so beautiful.
I wish Susannah was here to see them, to see how hard they fought for each other, how they found their way back to each other, she would have been bawling her eyes out and holding my hands, whispering, “thank God it turned out like this.”

I wish she was here to tell me we made a mistake. I would take that if I could just have her sit beside me on a pew one last time.

It’s been 10 summers since we lost Beck, you would think by now, the passage of time would have made it better, but it hasn’t.
Nothing makes it better; not time, not new memories, not even writing. Nothing would ever make it better; even when I am not thinking about her, but especially now when I am.

If she were here, we would have been seated together and she would have leaned over one too many times in a row to whisper just how precious our darling babies looked at the altar; Jere beaming like the sun was bouncing off his skin, Belly like she was moments away from floating away with happiness.

She wouldn’t have been able to stop crying; I would have had to keep extra tissues in my purse for her, and she would say it was all worth, all the mess it took to get here and I would believe her. I would have believed anything she told me. Susannah could make anyone believe anything.

I was the writer but it was Beck who had the heart of a poet.

“Pain was for a purpose.”
“Suffering was for growing”.
“Adventure was worthwhile in itself.”
“The fun was in figuring out where the rest of the story goes…”

We made mistakes along the way, so many of it. We interfered where we shouldn’t have, we hurt people we were supposed to protect but thank goodness they didn’t have to pay for our sins.

The last Summer we had with Susannah had been such a mess. It was the summer that changed summer forever.

Everyone was coping in some way but Jeremiah, he was breaking apart in stitches.
I imagined him taping himself in place every morning so he could be there for his mother only to fall apart by nightfall, all the glue worn off, a little more broken than he was in the morning. Next morning, he is glued back again only to be shattered by nightfall, rinse, repeat.

Every time I visited, I feared that by the time this was over, there would be nothing left of him except gaping cracks and open sores.
It broke my heart to watch.
It hurt to notice, I hated noticing.

It used to be so much easier when he was younger, he was such a happy, curious child with a thousand questions I always had answers to but as he grew older, his questions became harder to answer; not the ones he asked with his mouth like,

“what’s for dinner?” or,

“Can Steven and I go to Liam’s house?” It was the ones he asked with his eyes like,

“why not me?”

“Why does everyone like my brother more?”

“What can I do to be enough?”

“Why does Belly have to end up with Conrad.”

“Why didn’t you stand up for me?”

Why, why and more whys.

I couldn’t answer any of his questions without opening a can of worms that were better left forgotten.

After Susannah’s death, I forced myself to stop looking into his eyes, to stop looking at him at all and soon, he learnt to stopped asking. Between Adam’s constant disdain and complete disregard for him, and my inability to stick up for him when I needed to, he learnt to accept that I didn’t care. He learnt to see himself as inferior and in the end, so did Conrad.

But I did care, it was just harder to cope if I allowed myself to show him; he would need answers and they weren’t mine to tell.
I hoped this letter had some of them, I really did.

Jeremiah was open and real and seeking, and maybe it reminded me too much of how Susannah used to be, before she became this version of herself that only bloomed in summer unlike Conrad. Conrad was more Adam than Susannah.

Sometimes it ached to watch him, sometimes it was a delight and other times, it was unfamiliar. In a lot of ways, he reminded me of younger Beck which now, was like a distant memory, like a favorite book I no longer knew how to read, like a person I used to know, a person she has forgotten how to be.

And his eyes held a million stories, they told a million tales that left me speechless. They made me feel more than I was capable of, more than I was willing to let myself feel again. They demanded that I cracked and bled and I couldn’t do that.

With Conrad, there were no questions to be asked and no answers to hide. It was easy, it was uncomplicated.

On one of my visits, I told him Belly missed him, he looked at me quietly, and all my words dried up.
It was the sort of look that silenced; that made speech difficult after and left lumps in your throat.

So next time I visited, I brought Belly to see Susannah but also to see, maybe, just maybe they could talk, they’ve always been able to do that. They gravitated towards each other the moment they were in the same room.
Belly just broke up with Conrad and Jeremiah needed his best friend back; they needed each other but I think I made things worse. They didn’t talk.

That was the first time I saw the glue come undone while the sun was still up.
Jeremiah did not come out of his room until we were gone, Susannah said she heard him sobbing in the bathroom that night; that he cried like she already died.
Belly cried the whole way home, and for days, walked around like a zombie…

I knew breaking up with Conrad had hurt her but she didn’t cry that much then.

I used to joke that I was the writer, but it was Beck that had the heart of a poet but no amount of poetry could fix the cut we’ve made on the lives of those kids.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have tried matchmaking the kids,” I whispered to her during on my last visit.

“Yeah, I shouldn’t have put it in her head,” she nodded weakly, the green of her veins more prominent on her lax skin.

“But she and Jeremiah-“

“Are best friends,” she said, cutting me off. It had to be that way.”

“Beck….” I pleaded. “We didn’t even give them a chance at all…”

And she shook her head vehemently, stubbornly. “There is no chance to give. It’s better this way….” she replied, her voice shaking.

She closed her eyes and inhaled painfully.

I swallowed, remembering that time, feeling the ache in my chest, a deep recall from that time.

“Maybe their story could be different,” I argued softly. “Maybe we don’t have to decide for them…”

She shook her head. “We… we don’t know that. It’s just better they never have to find out. were… There is a high chance that they lose each other and ruin everything like I did.” Her eyes were sunken, her skin papery, she was dying.

“You didn’t ruin anything Beck,” I said, close to tears. Susannah has always been so hard on herself, I wish she forgave herself more, even now.. “ ‘Being in love is not a crime, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.” I pleaded.

“Shocking,” she sighs sarcastically. “I could have sworn it was. No point losing everyone you love over a failed attempt.”

”You didn’t lose me, Beck,” I say, because I was hurt she thought that, a rare streak of tears trailing down my face. “And look at everything you accomplished with your life…”

She smiled at me warmly and a little hauntedly. “I will never be grateful enough for you, Laurel. You’re the only reason I made it out. I truly love you.”

“And I, you…”

She reached a trembling hand and gripped mine. We held on to each other as we breathed through our tears.
It hadn’t been a particularly long life but it had been a memorable one and looking at her now, I couldn’t believe it was nearly over, I couldn’t imagine the rest of my life without her, the conversations I will never have with her, the laughter we will never share, the gossips we will never trade, the summers I will never get to spend with her.
Nothing would ever be the same again; not the joys, or the pain or the secrets.
Not the secrets.
Especially the secrets.
A secret, just one.
But it was her story to tell, not mine.

I felt a slight pressure on my hands; she was squeezing. I looked at her, she was sniffling.

“You look so good when you cry, you should probably cry more,” I teased her which was our inside joke because she was an ugly crier. She laughed a little.

“You look like an angry raccoon when you cry,” she retorted and I laughed. She knew what I was thinking and I knew we would never discuss it but she made me laugh.
She could make me laugh through anything.

“I know,” I smiled, wiping my eyes with my other hand. “That’s why I never cry much.” I was an even uglier crier.

“I’ll miss you so much,” she said quietly and then, I burst into tears, heart rending, body shaking sobs. I was not ready to lose her yet.
I crawled in bed beside her and she patted my head, telling me how sorry she was.

Losing her felt like I was losing the best part of myself, like a part of me would die with her and even I was afraid of what would be left. I could never be Susannah, I could never imitate her warmth, her kindness, her sunshine.
She was magic, she made our lives magic and losing her was just going to feel like being thrust into the cold, dark world.
I didn’t have what it took to be who she was but Jeremiah did and for a few years after The Wedding, he almost lost it.

These days I don’t know which hurt the most; losing Beck, or losing Jeremiah. We kind of made up after The Wedding, when I realized for the first time, how deeply I betrayed him.

I don’t think he will ever forget it. Hell! I didn’t even deserve his forgiveness.
To think that I had to see him ripped in two to understand what I did to him, what I allowed to be done to him? It is unforgivable, Susannah would hate me for what I did to her son.

I dab my eyes gracefully, my eyes teary. I had many things to cry about.

I should take my own advice and forgive myself but it’s hard when your good intentions turn out to be terrible.

“They will find their way back to each other,” Susannah had said to me that day. “Maybe we made a mistake and maybe I can’t fix it, but if it meant to be, then it will be.”

It was.

After the ceremony, I go hug the new couple; all of our eyes are red, it’s funny. Jeremiah makes a joke about that, and we laugh.

I hear squealing and a series of words in rapid French and there are a couple of excited girls coming towards us. I quickly step away and they collide with Belly among more squealing.

There is a boy with them, he’s hanging back a little, a small smile on his lips. I recognize him from the pictures Belly sent me from her time in France.
He was a photographer or something, and he had a funny name that reminded me of this cartoon Steven used to love so much, Ben 10.

I slip Susannah’s letter into his hands and I see the anxiety on his face as he slips it into his jacket. I know what happened the last time he got a letter from his mom but I double checked this time. I will never do anything like that to him again. The first time had been a horrible mistake, I swear.

Just as I turn to leave, he tugs my arm gently and hugs me again.

“Thank you so much Lau. I love you.”

“I love you too, kiddo,” I say, my voice catching.

As soon as he lets go, I grab a flute of champagne from a waiter and down it in one go and grab another. That boy is gold and that nickname, it’s been years since anyone called me that.

I nod at the group as Adam grabs Jeremiah in a hug. He winks at me and I ignore him. He’s been flirting with me for years now but I’m never going there with him. I’m too loyal to Beck plus I’m too old for the drama, I’ll leave it to the kids, it’s their turn.

Conrad didn’t come to the wedding, which is probably for the best. Like before, he has barely been home in the last 5 years. Nobody cares anymore, at least I don’t. He’s a grown adult now, you can only sulk for so long.

I pass Steven fawning over his wife, Taylor. She was Belly’s Maid of Honor despite being heavily pregnant. Belly had been hers, 3 years ago, which was when she also reconnected with Jeremiah for the first time. It took a lot of effort to even begin to fix the mess but they eventually made it back together.

had no hope because there were already so many casualties and it wasn’t until last year that Belly got her chance with Jeremiah again, after therapy and getting her life together.

When I asked him why he took her back, he said he finally accepted that their story was going to be messy, and they’ve long gone past the point of modesty and caring what people were going to say. I asked if he trusted Belly, he said to me.

“I trust the trust she has in herself now.”

It was adorable; these kids are adorable.

The wedding is in autumn, the beginning of fresh starts and new beginnings; of winding roads and swinging blooms, of old leaves falling off to make way for new ones, of greens and browns and reds. The wedding flowers are a mix of daisies and sunflowers, the cake is chocolate glazed. Belly tells me there is a secret joke about it, but she will tell me all about it later. I can’t wait to hear it.

It is such a delight to hear her laughing while she talks with me; it reminds me so much of how easy her laughter had been as a child, how most of her laughter had come from being with Jeremiah. There is so much I missed from my years of my mutual psychosis with Susannah but not anymore. Now, I was trying to make up for lost time. I even went wedding dress shopping with her. I regret everything I didn’t do with her before, everything I let myself lose because I was so stubborn.

When we repeat history, it is not because the past was so great but because it is familiar, because it takes nothing from us to walk the very paths we have walked so many times before, even though it leads us right back to the very same tragic end as before.

Because long before there was a Jeremiah and Belly, there had been a Susannah and Andrea.

Chapter Text

Susannah and I found each other in college; two wide-eyed, lonely, homesick girls who were away from home for the first time but happy to be.

I missed my friends back at home, Rachel and Jane, the twin daughters of the local pastor who were anything but Christian, little girls. Rachel lost her virginity at 13 to Dean Byers, front-liner for the Junior football team and Jane liked girls. She even had a little crush on me. Those girls had such rich, active lives their parents had no idea of, lives that would give them a stroke if they ever found out about it.

Being girls and the daughters of the pastor, they were the only ones I was allowed to visit at home. They were my only escape from my own overbearing, super religious parents in addition to being an active member of a Nature hiking group. It gave me an outlet to explore my imagination, to build a vivid world in my mind that went beyond the confines of my childhood.

Entering college had been like finding myself in Narnia, where everything happened and you could be anything or anyone you wanted to be. At first, I wasn’t sure how far I was allowed to go, it was my first time out of home so I jumped right into the deep end. I got drunk for the first time at our welcome party and hated it and then an older boy tried to kiss me in the dark and I screamed. For the rest of the first half of that semester, I stayed good, it was better that way anyway.

Sometimes, it still felt like my mom was watching and any minute, she would jump out of the shadows and catch me doing something the Lord and her, would not approve of. In my house, she did most of the talking, my father did most of the scowling and I did most of the behaving.

It took becoming friends with Susannah in the middle of the semester before I finally began to come out of my shell and started exploring new experiences and enjoying them. We met in one of my classes and got talking only to find out we were both in the same dorm. From then, we became inseparable, walking together to class and the cafeteria. In our Sophomore year, we applied to be roommates and got lucky.

Susannah on the other hand, had a million, gazillion friends from back home; both from her parent’s residential home in New Jersey and their holiday home in Wilmington, in a beach town called Cousins. Our phone bill was astronomical and 90% of it was Susannah chatting with her friends.

As much as she had a lot of friends, her favorite was Andrea. Andrea Giovanni.

They became friends when he offered her his sweater to cover her skirt when she first got her period at 11 and told off some rude guys from the football team who tried to bully and make fun of her for it.

Since then, they became good friends. He was a member of the debating team, Susannah was a cheerleader. They were worlds apart but they worked.

Even though they never dated and Andrea was never in short supply of girls hanging around him, and Susannah had a boyfriend, Dan, it didn’t stop people from shipping them as a couple, a fact that caused a lot of confusion for them and many prospective relationships.

Susannah said they never considered it even once nor ever had that conversation at all but none of that made a difference when they crowned them Prom Queen and King, something that pissed her boyfriend off so bad, they had a fight and broke up that night.

Andrea came from a family of Italian artists, it was a legend that he was related to Michelangelo, not that I believed him. His family owned one of the biggest art galleries in France and he spent summers in either Italy or Mexico with his family.

He and Susannah had bonded over their shared love for the arts and their passion for painting.

In their Junior Year, they founded and ran their school’s first Art Club together which by the time they graduated High School, was responsible for raising the most money for the school year after hosting an auction for the sale of some of the artworks of the students in the club.

They made it to the local papers. The Deputy Governor even got one of their paintings too. He was an alumnus.

When I finally met him in our sophomore year, I thought he stepped out of a fashion magazine, his androgynous lean build, easy charm, a full head of tight, raven black rings, a natural tan, full lips, black shades, looking all cool and unaffected in his red, open roofed Mercedes Benz 380SL. Girls went crazy over him in the dormitory that day.

He was in Fashion school in France and they were on break so he dropped by to visit.

I was used to seeing Susannah being the brightest in the room but that day, when they hug each other, it was like two suns colliding. It was electric, like a supernova, like two stars reflecting on each other.

He was visiting his family while interning for a few weeks at a partner Fashion House two states away from Penn with a couple of his French friends from school. It was part of their school requirements.

I dragged Susannah into our room, past shameless girls ogling at the boy from their windows.

“Why didn’t you tell me Andrea was hot like that?” I scolded.

Hot was an understatement.

He was gorgeous, and his lean body was so well toned, he almost felt like a sculpture. His hair was so beautiful, all I wanted to do the whole time was sink my fingers into them and when he smiled, it was like a megawatt light bulb in the dark.

He was the exact, type of guy that walked into a room and immediately owned it, the kind of boy you were proud to introduce to your friends. He hugged me as soon as Beck introduced us.

“Nice to finally meet you, Becky Sue here has told me so much about you.”

Andrea didn’t gush, he moved. His body moved faster, more actively than his mouth and his eyes said more than his tongue. He immediately felt familiar, like a friend.

And he smelt so good too, the exact type of boy, you didn’t mind creating a scandalous rumor with. Susannah had an earful as we pulled on our Jean and fixed our matching flipped-out bob to go hang out with him.

“I can’t believe you didn’t date him in High School. He even has a unique nickname for you, Becky Sue, how adorable,” I said dreamily, fake swooning. She swatted my hand, blushing hard.

“Eww, Laurel, that’s gross. We’ve known each other for a long time, he’s basically my brother.”

“Your very hot brother, huh?” I teased.

She turned away and grabbed a jacket from the wardrobe.

“Whatever, I don’t care for what you’re trying to say. He’s just Andrea to me.”

I was still trying on my boots and she was ready. She huffed impatiently.

“Hurry up Laurel, we don’t have all day.” I finished dressing up as fast and caught up with her at the end of the hall, panting a little.

“So, if he’s just your friend and nothing more, do you mind if I make a move on him?”

She screeched to a stop, so fast I butted into her back. Ouch!

“No, That’s completely out of the question, Laurel!” she exclaimed.

“Dating the brother of your best friend is out of the question,” she said firmly.

I laughed awkwardly. “It’s not like he’s your actual blood brother. He’s just your friend,” I argued.

“It is the same thing to me. You can’t date him Laurel, he’s out of the question.”

I didn’t know what to say about that, it seemed a little unfair. She just said she didn’t care about how hot he was, but she didn’t want me to care too?

“But why?”

“A lot of drama comes from dating your friends. I don’t want to ever have to choose between the both of you if you ever fight or break up or anything. You are both my best friends, I don’t want to lose any of you.”

“Oh,” I said, feeling relieved.

When she put it like that, it made a lot of sense. Well, in that case, he was now our very hot brother and boy best friend. “I get it now,” I said, squeezing her hand back in mine. “No dating our brother.”

Susannah was my best friend in the world and yes, we were going to have fights, but none of it would ever be over a boy. I’d much rather cut off my toes before I let a boy between us.

She laughed and then we held hands as we walked out of the dorm to meet Andrea, who was now leaning against his car and talking to a group of giggling girls.

“Alright ladies, it was nice to meet you all,” he said sweetly, as soon as we approached and they all scattered away, giving us stinky eyes.

Then I noticed his eyes, amber and rich like honey, as it took Susannah in. “You look…amazing,” he said, not so smoothly. Beck froze for a moment, I could feel the pulse jump in her throat.

Then she shook it off, as if remembering who it was. She rolled her eyes at him,

“And you looked really cozy with those girls. How many numbers did you take?”

“None,” he laughed.

“Tragic,” Susannah returned, smiling as we all piled into the car.

He drummed his finger on the steering wheel dramatically.

“So, where are we going?!”

“A lot of places but first, can we go eat? I’m starving!” Susannah said.

“Sure! As you wish,” he said and pulled his seatbelt in place. Then he turned to me in the back.

“You okay in there, Lau?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Even better, now that you finally remember me,” I returned sarcastically.

They both laugh while I groaned.

Yeah, we are going to have so much fun but I’m totally going to be the third wheel.

We had the most amazing time with Andrea that day and best of all, I didn’t feel as excluded as I thought I would.

He and I struck an easy banter; I made fun of his slight European accent and he loved my dry humor. We took several pictures with his camera that Susannah teased him for carrying around with him everywhere he went.

“It is not my problem, you do not appreciate the world through a lens.”

It was almost midnight when he drove us back to our dorm. For a first meet, it was almost emotional. We promised we had to find something to do during the summer.

By the end our second year, Susannah’s parents completely stopped coming for the holidays in Cousins, preferring to travel instead. Susannah’s older sister Julia hated that house so that made it automatically Beck’s house.

That summer, Susannah, Andrea and I spent the summer in Cousins. It was the beginning of a tradition of summers in Cousins. Andrea divided his summer breaks between his family and with us in Cousins, he never missed it. Beck and I continued, long after Andrea was gone.

It became our place, where we had the house to ourselves and had the time of our lives with the friends we made in the town and the way we felt like kids again, at the beach. It was magical.

Though he was a ambivert, Andrea loved all things loud and fiery and colorful and he was unapologetic about it and his best show off moment was the 4th of July, on the day we celebrate American’s Independence.

Every 4th, he would set off the greatest fireworks we’ve ever seen. I don’t know where he got them but they were bigger and brighter every year. After, he and I would dig for the clams and leave Beck to bake the biggest cake you’ve ever seen.

Together, we would throw the biggest parties in Cousins. It was just us; We got drunk at parties, Beck and I made out with boys we wouldn’t see until the next summer, Andrea would dazzle girls with his Italian.

Next morning, while I curl up on the sofa, nursing a hangover, Andrea and Susannah would make breakfast singing off tone to all our favorite songs.

While we were a fun trouple during summer, it was mostly Beck and I the rest of the year.

Beck and I were an irony that complimented each other. For a girl raised in a church, I was a lot more sexually adventurous than Susannah and I encouraged her to take many lovers. This was at the height of the 2nd wave feminism and it was so liberating to be able to enjoy sex without the threat of pregnancy hanging over your head.

Susannah on the other hand, dragged me to all the parties we went. She selected the clothes we wore and the makeup for each occasion.

And then, at the end of the school year, at the start of summer, we would be wrapped up in the bubbles of Cousins, where magic happened.

In the summer of our Senior year, Susannah started growing a garden. She took a class on horticulture during spring break that year. It was also the year she started dating Adam Fisher who became the first man Beck was involved with, that Andrea hated with a passion.

Susannah was excited to introduce them and there was none of his easy, friendly smile, just a stiff grin and even stiffer handshake. If Susannah noticed anything, she didn’t say it.

We didn’t invite Adam with us because summer was just about the three of us. However, that year, the fireworks weren’t as great.

The next day, he and Susannah went to a party, I did not go with them and after dropping her off, Andrea went back spent a whole night out with a girl he was hooking up with, Paige.

I heard him and Beck fighting the next morning.

It was unlike, Susannah said he would not tell her what was wrong and begged me to talk to him so I hunted him down at the beach and asked him why he was being such a little bitch.

He folded his arms and continued looking over the sea, lost in thought. Maybe Beck was right, something was wrong.

Andrea was always there when we needed him, always reliable and dependable, what if he needed help and he couldn’t ask us? The thought of it made me sad, I blurted out.

“You can tell me-us anything, we are here for you, you know that, right?.”

Unlike Beck, I was an only child, so in a way, Andrea and Susannah were my family and I couldn’t imagine losing them.

“There is nothing to tell, Lau. You do t have to worry about me, I’ll be fine.”

He continued looking at the sea, kicking at shells on the beach with aching sadness that got to me, like he was looking at him like something he was going to miss. He looked lost, almost like he was afraid of something.

“How long have you been in love with her?” I asked quietly.

His shoulder stiffened and he froze.

“Longer than I can remember,” he finally said, exhaling deeply.

“How come you’ve never told her?”

He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”

“That is her choice to make, not yours, right?” I replied.

“It is not that simple, Lau. Nobody makes Beck do anything she is not ready to. We’ve been friends for the longest time and she’s never looked at me like that. If I force it, I might just lose her altogether and that scares me.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. He was right but also, he was wrong too, about not telling her. It was getting harder to hide his feelings for her and a time would come when it would just spill over but I didn’t tell him that.

Instead, I stood with him, staring out into the ocean, a heavy, sad silence between us. I didn’t know it then but that was the summer everything changed.

Two days later, things were back to normal between them again and that evening, they went to another party together. I stayed back home again.

Andrea showed up for our graduation but he came with a beautiful French girl, Sabrina who was visiting the US for the first time. Adam was there too but it didn’t help the fact that Susannah was annoyed that Andrea came with someone else.

By the summer that year, Andrea was no longer with Sabrina and Adam and Susannah had another of their silly breakups. L

We started grad school; I majored in Literature while working part time as an editor in a publishing house and writing my first book and Susannah in Floriculture with a part time job as a florist.

Andrea was understudying with St. Laurent.

It was also the year I met John and we started casually dating. He was a PhD student in the Department of Geography. We met at a university function and I was charmed by his nerdiness. He and Andrea hit it off when they finally met.

We measured our lives in summer and even as we knew that soon, we wouldn’t be able to preserve the innocence of the summer house as we knew it, we held on for as long as we could.

Thankfully, Andrea and Beck were back to being friends and everything was going great or so I thought until one night, I woke up to get a bottle of water from the fridge and walked in on them in the living room, tongue down each other’s throats, Susannah on his laps, his hands under her swear shirt.

The TV was showing one of their favorite movies but neither of them was watching. I cleared my throat and they jumped apart, looking guilty.

I wasn’t as surprised as I thought I would be. I was just anxious.

“What are you doing, Beck?!” I yelled, vibrating out of my skin, the moment we were alone in her room and the door was closed.

It wasn’t that I didn’t expect it, considering the way the past year had gone, the timing just felt wrong.

Life was getting more serious for all of us, Beck was trying to do the whole “serious relationship,” thing with Adam who for some reason, couldn’t just fully commit hence why they kept breaking up and making up every week.

There was so much more at stake, so this was not the time to experiment and push boundaries, especially for Susannah.

“I don’t know Laurel, it wasn’t planned,” she said defensively.

“We were just watching Lady in Cement and he turned to me and said Frank Sinatra’s eyes reminded him of me. The way he said it, the way he was looking at me, it was new and different and next time I knew, I was grabbing him and kissing the shit out of him. That has never happened to me before… I don’t know what came over me,” she finished weakly.

Now, I was looking into her eyes too and thinking how I didn’t notice the similarities before; he was right. Her eyes did look like Frank Sinatra’s, that boy was smooth, I give it to him.

Personally, I used to think they looked like Hedy Lamar’s but that was just my bias or color blindness speaking. I loved Lamar to death.

“Well, whatever it is that came over you also came over him,” I mumbled sarcastically and she blushed softly, hiding her face in her hands, her big sweater covering her face.

I felt warm in my chest watching her but then the picture of them downstairs flashed through my mind and I shuddered involuntarily.

“So what happens now? It’s Andrea, you’ve known each other since forever. What happens when you get back with Adams?” I asked.

A part of me felt weird about everything and a part of me felt protective of him.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged and it felt like she rolled a boulder on my chest.

The fact that she didn’t say she was never going to go back to Adam was all I needed to know.

“I mean, nothing should change, it doesn’t have to mean anything. Friends make out every time.”

“No, they don’t,” I protested. “We are friends Beck and we’ve never made out,” I clarified rolling my eyes and huffing in mock rage.

She looked at me from under her lashes, and said in a fake seductive accent, “oh! I didn’t know you were down for that. Do you want to, like now?”

She stalked towards me, swerving her hips in an exaggerated strut and making a silly kissing face and I burst our laughter and ran away while she chased me all over the house screaming,

“but I want to make out with you too,”

While I yelled, laughing, “ no, go away, you clown.”

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” I said to him and he looked bashful enough to make me feel like it was a one-off.

Three days later, I caught them on the dork again. They didn’t see me, I didn’t tell them I saw them. If kissing Andrea made Beck feel better, and Andrea liked kissing her enough to not care, then they could go at it. It probably meant nothing to them and I didn’t want to be caught in the middle of anything.

After Susannah’s death and in light of everything that has happened after, I have come to realize that Belly shares a lot of traits with Susannah than with me.

While they were both romantics at heart, I was more practical and they were both had such main character traits in a way made everyone else fade into oblivion.

Without meaning to, they had a way of making everyone revolve around them.

Just like I feared, as soon as we got back, it took a day and she was back with Adam. Andrea was devastated, Susannah was shocked that he was; I told them I warned them.

I didn’t care much for Adam. He was cool and handsome, the perfect Hollywood bad boy. He smoked, he drove his cars fast and in sullen silence and when he looked at you, it made you feel chosen, much like it had been with Belly and Conrad. I tolerated him because Beck loved him but far too many times, I have had to bite my tongue just to keep myself from asking why she was so hung up on him. I suspected he kept other horns around but Beck wouldn’t tell me. She protected him which always upset me.

He was rude, annoying and made her cry more than he ever made her laugh. I didn’t think he took her serious enough, he even forgot her birthdays.

After our finals, while we were packing our bags in preparation for Cousins, I broke, unable to hold it in anymore.

“I hope you know that you don’t have to end up with Adam Fisher just because you guys have been dating for so long,” I told her.

“I know,” she said quietly.

I was surprised she agreed so easily so I pushed it.

“And I hope you know I think Andrea is great for you, like if you guys ever decide to be a thing, I would be thrilled.”

She was silent for a few seconds after that, as if thinking, then she said more calmly. “I cannot date Andrea.”

“Why?” I asked her. “Because he doesn’t work in Finance and is not Mr. “solid future,” like Adam? Beck, I know you are used to a certain standard of luxury and I love you for that but he is exactly lacking, either, if that’s what you’re afraid of. His debut at the Paris Fashion Week was fantastic.”

“No, it’s not that,” Susannah replied, biting her lips.

“Then what?” I asked her.

“He wouldn’t date me,” she blurted out.

“Wait-what?! He told you that? That bastard, I’m going to kill-“ I started getting angry all over again.

“After everything that happened last summer? Why the hell would he not want to date you if he’s jealous that you’re with Adam?”

Susannah was blushing guiltily. “He is not jealous of Adam.”

I narrowed my eyes at her with suspicion. “Whatever you’re hiding now, spill.”

“Remember that two summers ago when Andrea was acting weird and stuff?”

I nodded.

“I didn’t tell you something that happened that night we went partying without you. I…I got drunk tried to kiss him and he rejected me.” She blushed so hard, her face was completely red. “That was why it was so weird between us.”

I was stunned. “What? When? He rejected you?”

“I got drunk and stupidly tried to kiss him and he just laughed and pushed me away ” she said sheepishly. I just stared at her in shock.

That summer when she made me talk to him, that had been why he was acting weird?

I took a seat beside her, my mind reeling. “Why would you do that? Were you really drunk?”

“Yes,” she looked at me blushing and I narrowed my eyes at her. She was always such a bad liar.

“No,” she admitted sheepishly and she flopped down on the bed, hugging a pillow to her chest.

“You pretended to be drunk so you could kiss him?”

She nodded, cheeks a blotch.
“Why?”

She looked embarrassed and vulnerable at the same time, a look I have never seen on her.

“I liked him,” she admitted, biting her lower lips.

I was shocked by the admission. “But you said he was like your brother?!”

“Yeah, I lied. I’m sorry. I already started liking him then but it was all so new and confusing and I was a little jealous.”

I let her words sink in as I sat down beside her, taking her hands. “You like him, right?”

She nodded.

“A little or a lot?”

“A lot,” she said.

“More than you like Fisher?”

She nodded.
She looked at me. “More than I have ever liked anyone….”

“Wow!” I mumbled. I had no idea.

That was probably why she had to feign being drunk to kiss him at that party and why that rejection must have stung so much.

“But last summer…”

“…. Was amazing,” she said dreamily. “He was sweet and hot and really, really good at it…”

“But….”

She looked sad. “…but that is just Andrea. He’s sweet and hot and he’s good at everything he does. We’ve been friends since forever, he’s never liked me. I think he was just bored that summer,” she chuckled dryly. “You don’t know that, why don’t you just talk to him?”

“No, that would just makes everything worse if he rejects me again.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” I countered. “You will never know if you don’t ask.”

I could have easily told either of them the truth but I felt like it was not in my place to.

That summer, Susannah traveled to Paris on the excuse that she was going to take a course on Water Hydrangeas. I quit my job to stay back in Cousins, to focus on my book. That was the summer Andrea and Beck got together in the most romantic city in the world.

Halfway into the summer, they both flew back to Cousins for the 4th with me because we made a pact never to miss Summer with each other in Cousins.

It was the biggest, brightest, greatest firework that summer and the sky was lit up with burst of sparkling flames and right there on the dock, he kissed her and told her he loved her and for the first time, she didn’t choke when she said it back and she had no questions when she kissed him.

Everyone knows the 4th is Susannah’s best holiday but nobody knows why. This is why

Those years were the happiest of our lives, it felt like everything was right in the world, like nothing would ever break our friendship. Having my two best friends be so in love with each other was the best thing ever, it was freeing. I also had a period when I travelled through Europe alone just before I published my first book.

Everything was as it should be for 2 years until Susannah wanted to get married immediately and Andrea felt like they could wait a few more years because he wanted to be able to afford her dream home while she insisted she didn’t care about that.

It wasn’t supposed to be a big fight but neither would buffer and then she accused him of using that as an excuse to keep her waiting forever and he told her not everything was about her and then,

They broke up.

It was so stupid. Susannah moved back to Boston, reconnected with Adam and for some reason, believed he was the more mature option because he was ready to settle down.

It’s been years since I saw Andrea. We lost contact after Susannah’s wedding to Adam. I read about him on the paper and how his fashion line was doing so well but I haven’t spoken to him in years.

By the time it dawned on her that she could have made a mistake, she was pregnant with Conrad and a few months later, I missed my period and my parents insisted John and I get married so we did.

This wedding was making me nostalgic.

Jeremiah and Belly were having their first dance as a couple and soon, everyone joined them. I got a twirl from Jeremiah and I sobbed when I had my daughter in my arms.

John looked so proud and happy. I guess I could let myself be too and stop going back to the past when there was so much to celebrate in the present, like my beautiful daughter and handsome son in-law; like this amazing champagne which I suspect Adam had stocked up in his basement.

I stood up to get another flute as I looked around for the father of the groom who was responsible for the impressive wedding. It was almost like he wanted to do over with this wedding, so expenses were spared and it was planned according to the couple’s tastes.

And speaking of Adam, where was he hurrying to, looking so serious?

I followed his gaze and stepping into the reception tent in life and flesh with a ring of silver hair on his head was Andrea.

Andrea Giovani

My heart stopped in my chest and restarted again, blooding rushing into my head.

What the hell was Andrea doing here? Who invited him??

Quickly, my mind sifted through a thousand scattered memories, summers in cousins, Susannah giggling, Andrea looking at her like a million bucks, the three of us squealing at the Tower of Terror, the pictures they sent me when they visited his family in Italy, the way they gushed over her pumpkin pie and turkey Thanksgiving recipe, the way she would tell me how she would probably cry when he finally popped the question, the way she broke both of their hearts when she couldn’t wait any longer.

Lives were altered when it all came crashing down, not just theirs, mine, John’s and everyone that knew them.

Much like I had feared from the beginning, it all came tumbling down and I was left to pick up the pieces, and fix everyone back up and be the strong one. It helped that I had John with me; he loved Susannah as much as I did.

We restarted the summer traditions in Cousins even though it was not the same.

For one, Adam hated the fireworks, he hated having to do them even more. The excitement about it came back when Jeremiah was old enough but as much as he tried, it was never a thing Adam and he bonded over.

Andrea said nobody made Susannah do anything but that was before she realized he was gone forever. By the time Adam came around, she was desperate and she clung to his love and swore it to me that it was her choice this time, as if there had been another one on the table.

I could have been fooled but for that night they ran into each other at party in Boston and he tearfully begged her to run away with him.

Susannah told him she had moved on and was happy with her life now; At that time, Conrad was about 7 months old.

Three weeks later, she called to tell me she changed her mind. She wouldn’t tell me what changed or why; only that she had made all the arrangements with Andrea.

And he never showed up. That was the last I heard about him. Susannah was inconsolable, and the guilt ate me up. I guess I had a secret of my own.

When Susannah told me she was going to run away with Andrea, I panicked and then I did the most stupid thing, I told Adam. I thought she was blowing up her life too soon. I didn’t think she was acting rationally.

Susannah’s pain was my pain and I went through all the seasons of grief with her.

By the time Jeremiah was born, and Belly followed, and she settled into her family, I became convinced that I had made done the right thing.

I shook the past away when someone tapped me. It was Jeremiah, holding up his letter and looking worried.

For one confused moment, I thought I had made another mistake like the last time and it just felt like everything that could go wrong was going wrong but I was wrong, it was worse.

“Laurel, why is mom calling me Deandre?”

All the blood drained from my face. “W-wh-hat?” I stammered. He showed me the letter…

Dear Jeremiah, I know this might come as a shock to you but I have been waiting to tell you this for the longest time. Your full name is Jeremiah Deandre Fisher….”

I didn’t see the rest of the things she wrote because I got dizzy, my vision blurring. A memory broke through.

That night when Susannah called to tell me Andrea did not show up, she had been inconsolable but she wouldn’t tell me.

“I did something terrible Laurel, I did something evil,” she kept saying.

I started trembling, and missed my seat, almost falling, my legs unable to hold me up any longer.

“Easy there Lau,” he chuckled. “How many glasses have you had already?” Jeremiah joked, guiding me to a seat before going to get me a bottle of water while I tried to catch my breathe.

What a dark irony.

Susannah was dead but she still found a way to make her presence felt, to be the main character. The first time had been my mistake but this one, this one was all her. I felt so horrible, having to have this happen to Jeremiah twice. I knew I should have read that letter.

Chapter Text

_________________________________________

I have decided I will not be following the rules anymore. It’s about time they started following me and by rules, I mean the seating arrangement.

Guests are still arriving and finding their seats, before the ceremony begins. The wedding is happening under a makeshift tent in Susannah’s garden, the sound of the ocean not far away. It was supposed to be open air but it drizzled early hours of the morning so we had to make adjustments to accommodate that.

The seat arrangement is in two rows, creating an aisle in the middle for the bride to walk through. One side of the aisle should be the bride’s family and the other side is the groom’s family but since my first heart attack 4 years ago and cardiac bypass surgery a year after, I have decided that I have earned the right to take some liberties.

You can’t have cheated death twice to be confined by silly, little rules like where to sit and whom to sit beside it so, that’s why I have left Julia and Skye and a couple of the new faces who showed up for Jeremiah all the way from New York and Finch to the other side of the room, right next to John who is right next to Laurel. It’s not only me, there are several other people from the other side who are on this side and vice versa.

Laurel gives me a scalding look which I counter with the power of my most dazzling, charismatic smile, the one I reserve for my most difficult clients. Difficult, yes but they pay the most and not like I’m afraid of her or anything.

Like, what can she even do? Send me back?

I’ll be like, “Be kind Laurel, I almost died from a heart attack.”

Who cares if it was 3 years ago?

Beside me, John looks too serious, looking right ahead of him, pretending that he doesn’t notice I have taken the seat beside him. I lean over and whisper in his ears.

“You know John, you and I have a lot more in common than you would think.”

“No we don’t,” he whispers back hotly, breaking character. “I have never had a heart attack in my life.”

Beside him, Laurel snorts back a chuckle, John is grinning like he just won a bet. Yeah, I walked right into that one.

I pat the front of my tux, impressed. Not bad for a college professor. Who knew he had it in him like that?

Then I chuckle a little because who am I kidding? Of course he has it in him like that, he has been making fun of me for as long as I have been using my illness as an excuse to get away with everything. It’s like a silent contest where we both try to outwit the other in banter and comebacks and right now, he is leading.

I don’t like that at all.

“Right,” I say calmly. “You will have one soon when I wipe the floor with you at the boardwalk tomorrow.”

“I haven’t agreed to participate,” he replies.

“Oh no, big mouth John Conklin is afraid now,” I say, making fun of him in a whiny voice.

He is laughing quietly now. “No, I’m not. If anything, you will be the one crying tomorrow.”

“Oh, you wish! I bet you a $100 you will be crying in the bowling alley. You don’t have to pay anything if I lose, that’s how confident I am.”

I know he takes the bait when his jaw clench. I just touched his competitive side.

“Make it $200 and you will see the real beast in me.”

I stretched out my hand to him and he takes it. “It’s a deal,” we both say at the same time, grinning.

Laurel looks over at us sternly. “Now, will you two old men shut up already? My daughter will soon make her walk and I don’t want any distractions.”

John looks at her with sad, pitiful eyes, clutching his chest in mock pain.

“Wow! Just wow! It’s like she doesn’t know one of us almost died from a heart attack. So cruel…These women have no sympathy.”

I purse my lips, nodding my head in agreement. “That’s right. Like, life is too short and you might just like lose it in a….”

“Heart attack.” Laurel finishes for me, looking like she would love to whack the both of us on the head with her purse.

“The both of you are so unbelievable,” she huffs, trying to keep her expression annoyed and failing. She looks away to hide it.

I can’t keep a smirk off my face either. I am looking forward to hanging out with everyone tomorrow, after the wedding, when the new couple would have gone for their honeymoon, which will be a surprise from me. The whole gang, both the Conklins and Fisher side were going to hang out at the Boardwalk, something John and I never got to do with them in the past because Susannah only let us come around during the 4th. John and I have gotten closer in recent years, a development I appreciate, given that we are both nearing retirement and with the kids all gone, we are going to have more free time on our hands.

He knows I was interested in Laurel in the past, but that’s all gone now. She made it clear she would have nothing with me after she and John ended things so now, it’s all good natured banters and occasional flirting just to annoy her. We have all become closer than we used to be, when we were younger and coupled. Maybe we could even join a Singles cruise to the Caribbean, I have a lot on my bucket list. I wonder what they have on theirs, and maybe we could compare. I wonder what Laurel would say if I brought a girlfriend, one of those ones that look like they belong more in pretty boxes than in real life, with more boobs than a man knew what to do with.

She can bring Cleveland if she wants, they looked good together and I think they still see each other casually, though I’m not sure how John would take it. Whatever happened to that girl he brought that summer? Rebecca. I quite liked her though I thought she fit more with the kids than us and that thing she did with the pomegranate margarita that summer, the first time “Belly,” got drunk. Was that why they broke up? Knowing how strait laced John can be, I won’t be surprised.

And what’s up with calling a human being, Belly anyway? It seems nobody else a problem with calling her a body part, except me. I try, I really try but the name freezes in my throat before I can get it out, my brain will not allow it. That’s probably why I’m the only one in the family that calls her Isabel. Me and her chatty French friends but even then it’s different because they pronounce hers with an accent, Isabelle.

I touch the inside of my pocket where my present for the new couple sits safely. They clearly refused my offer to sponsor the wedding this time so I have decided to give them a befitting honeymoon present. I hope they like it, I can’t even wait to share it.

Jeremiah comes into the room from the side and stands beside the officiator under the arch of Daisies and Sunflowers. He looks so handsome, so tall and proud. I feel my chest swell inside of me. My son, my Jeremiah.

He looks over and when he sees me, he arches his brow in confusion as if asking why I am sitting there and not with Aunt Julia and I shrug. He laughs to himself as he shakes his head.

John excuse himself and leaves the room; he has a daughter to walk down the aisle. I excuse myself and head back to my side of the aisle.

I should add that the only rule I am not allowed to break, is messing up my son’s big, special day, even if it is with something as minor as changing seats.

A very pregnant Taylor assisted by her husband, Steven, waddles down the aisle. She is glowing in her big, silk dress and Steven’s hair looks he spent 10 extra minutes on it today than usual, it looks extra sleek. Once they get to the front, they walk to opposite ends; Steven beside Jeremiah and Taylor to the bride’s side.

A few minutes later, a lone violin rendition of Seattle fills the air and the door opens behind us; Isabel Conklin steps into the room, arm linked through her father’s elbow and everyone stands up.

I look back at the altar and I see Steven sneaking a tissue from his pocket into Jere’s hands. We had a talk about this, he said he would not cry but look at him now; He looks transfixed, just watching her walk towards him with the most beautiful smile on her face. If he wasn’t smiling so wide, I would have been worried he was not breathing enough.

Watching him teary makes me realize I’m no better. I am tearing up too. I am so happy today.

These days, I find myself tearing up more than usual over the silliest things.

The other day at a grocery shop, a little girl, about 4, on ponytails with pink ribbons ran over to me and hugged my legs refusing to let go. Her mother came to get her apologizing, almost in tears herself. Her father, the toddler’s granddad passed a few days ago and he had looked just like me. They were close. I carried the child and she buried her nose in my neck, still sobbing. I rocked her back and forth until she stopped crying and I bought her the biggest Barbie doll I could find in the Kids Corner. Later, when I was alone in my car, I cried for 30 minutes.

Last month, I watched a documentary on Penguins in the Antarctica and there was a terrible blizzard and a part of the ice mountain had broken off and blocked their path, trapping them. They died in hundreds and I cried.

Two nights ago, I was watching a football match with Jeremiah in Boston to relax, after we spent the entire day getting everything we would need for the wedding, like getting our tuxes fixed, confirming that the ring sizes had not shrunken in the last 24 hours since he left New York, picking up the daisy studded veil that Isabel ordered last minute from a wedding shop in Boston and a bottle of champagne for John and Laurel.

Jeremiah had wanted to do it alone, not wanting to bother me but I insisted. Who said fathers couldn’t do wedding runs?

It was a long day and that night, we both relaxed with a bottle of beer each and watched a match. Both of our teams were playing against each other and and when mine lost, he patted my shoulder sympathetically, with a dramatic, long sigh.

“Take heart dad, I guess you live to fight another day.”

I was still reeling from the serious thrashing his team gave mine on the pitch.

”Oh stop gloating, today was your lucky day,” I returned sourly. “I’m sick of living to fight another day. I want to fight now and win.” I sulked. I hated losing so much.

“Well, apparently, that day is not today,” he t shrugged, rubbing it in.

I scrunched up my nose, to show my displeasure and ignored him. I survived a heart attack, I will survive this stupid Premier League. I sipped on my beer, taking his teases in good faith, knowing we deserved it but trying not to let it get to me. Our game was weak, we need to change our strategy or our coach or we would keep losing.

Then we talked about other things, mainly the wedding. As the day approached, it was really all he’s been able to talk about. He still couldn’t believe it was happening for real this time.

Once he blurted out on a call last week, “what if she doesn’t show up? What if she changes her mind? I would probably die if she did that again. Do you think she would do that again?”

Now he was telling me, “I’m still pinching myself. I guess I’ll believe it when the priest says, ‘you may kiss your bride and I do.’”

“I’m sure everything is going to go perfectly this time,” I assured him because it would. I would move the heavens and earth to make sure.

He squeezed my hands; “thanks dad. Thanks for being here.”

“Always.”

I soaked in the moment, thinking back to how in the past, his pale, blue eyes, easily tan skin and curly hair had been a reminder of a loss and betrayal I would live with forever and how now, it is just everything that reminds me of how incredibly selfish and short sighted I had been and all that I missed out on.

A few years ago, I was sure I lost him forever and that I would never get the chance to speak with, not to mention, watch a match with him again until that day I woke up 2 days after surgery, and his golden head was the first thing I saw. Laurel called him, despite my protest.

“Don’t you think he deserves to know? Hiding things from him is what got you here in the first place,” she had argued. “Whatever it is you are trying to do, it would be a hundred times worse if anything happened to you and he never got the chance to see you before.”

And she had been right because as soon as he heard, Jeremiah got on the first flight and came.

I knew he would come, that was why I didn’t ask him to. I didn’t want to be reconciled with him out of guilt or fear that I was dying. I didn’t want to take advantage of his empathy to wriggle out a reconciliation, he deserved better than that, better from me but none of that mattered because he came and he stayed and we talked and began the journey of leaving the past in the past.

I guess we all got a second chance and some of us, a third and fourth, none of us deserving of it at all so I speak for all of us when I say, we will never take it for granted again.

The tears didn’t come until later that night after the match, while I was packing my bags for Cousins the next day, he popped his head through the door to remind me to pack extra cuff links for him and Steven because he didn’t have extra and he was sure Steven would forget to come with, which turned out to be true. He had forgotten his tie in his hotel room on his own wedding day and Jeremiah had to borrow mine after giving him, his.

It was a few months after my surgery and he had taken some time off his restaurant to take care of me when Laurel’s invite came for Steven and Taylor’s wedding. We went together which made such an impact on the celebrants that as soon as Steven saw him, he declared him co-best man along with Conrad on the spot and insisted even though Jeremiah had not being part of the rehearsals. It went well, partly because he already had practice from his own failed wedding, years ago and because he was paired with Isabel, the first time they were seeing in 6 years.

They didn’t hit it off immediately, he didn’t want to but Isabel refused to give up and a year later, they officially got back together on a vacation to Hawaii and two years after, he proposed again and she said yes. Again.

After he left, I sat on my bed and cried. The ordinariness of that request, the comforting familiarity of it, I have never had that before. All this time, I had always been on the outside, looking in; I was the husband that was always away at work, the father that was content surviving spending one day in the whole of summer with his kids, the boss who gave the boys an internship, the benefactor who footed the bill. I had always had a role, from the fringes, I was never in the court with them. They sent me pictures of the fun they were having during summer, summers I was not allowed to be in, school games I was too busy to come for. I don’t even think I ever helped the boys knot their ties once. I got my first chance this morning because Jeremiah was so nervous, he suddenly didn’t know how to do his own knot.

I’m in my 50s, and in tears because I just spent an entire day shopping with my son, watching a game with him after and now, he just asked me to pack him an extra cufflink, like it’s something he’s always asked me to do, like being there for him was something he’s always had with me and not just recently. I mourned all the other things I missed, all the things I never knew I was missing because I was so focused on myself alone.

While we were between errands, Jeremiah regaled me with stories from his childhood, most of which I have never heard before.

He told he how he and Steven had broken into my room and finished my bottle of Vodka from Germany, mixing it with cherry coke and how their mothers found them drunk out of their mind in the morning and grounded them for a week. They were 12 and 13. Susannah told me she gave it out, probably for fear that I wouldn’t take it too lightly, especially as Jeremiah was the culprit.

Then there was the time Conrad dared him to run to the beach and back, naked for $50 and he told him that if he doubled it, he would do it twice. He was 10. He, Steven and Isabel splurged the money on the boardwalk and he still had an enough change to get himself and her matching friendship bracelets.

There are a lot of things I am grateful for now, for life, for my family, which is semi normal and for my lifelong friends. I am at peace, not that I think I deserve it, it is just simply a gift.

Jeremiah tells me I don’t have to dwell in the past, only the future and I marvel at this grace that he shows.

And then today, I am tearing up again as I watch the couple at the altar.

The bride looks so beautiful and radiant and in the true manner of brides, steals all the attention in the room but it is not her that has mine, it is Jeremiah.
He is so regal in his tuxedo, the blue contrasting with his golden curls. He stands so tall, his own man; he is happy and truly deserving of it. He deserves all the happiness in the world.

All those years I spent picking at Jeremiah for how different he was, everything Susannah did, all that happened at the first wedding many years didn’t start with Conrad, it started long before any of them, like a prophecy, a groundwork of self-inspired predictions and harrowing expectations that unwittingly laid out their destiny like a map; Conrad has to marry Isabel so she never loses Jeremiah.

It was as simple as that. So ordinary in its twisted simplicity, it made no sense. Without the past to give a backstory, you wouldn’t understand it but I do. I do now because I know; I was there.

As much as it hurts, I know now that Susannah was trying to rewrite the prophecy she declared on her own, to change the ending of a story that had not even started.

Neither of us meant to hurt anyone, but the reality is that we did; we created a web that trapped all of us in it, so intricate and layered and suffocating nobody was supposed to escape it alive.

The ceremony is almost over, they were exchanging vows. I am curious to hear Isabel’s.

Her voice is shaky, she was looking into his eyes, Jeremiah is already red in the face from trying to hold back his emotions. It is short, but it was so beautiful in a heartbreaking way, like a summary of their journey together and it is so true.

“In every universe where I get even one chance to do this, it will always be you.” she says, and takes his hands and link their fingers, holding tight.

The gesture, the moment, the history behind the words, it is so beautiful, I just wish Susannah was here to witness it, to see how wrong she had been, it would have made her really happy. She was such a sucker for love and poetry and these two had the most poetic love story I will ever see.

I duck my head to hide the tear that rolled down unchecked. From the corner of my eyes, I could see Laurel’s lips trembling. John as usual, is looking ahead, but I can see he’s clearly affected.

Then the officiator said, “you may kiss your bride,” and Jeremiah dipped Isabel and kissed her hard, like he had been dying to, to the cheer of the crowd and the spray of confetti. A violin rendition of Wildest Dream by Taylor Swift started playing. Laurel was full on sobbing now, so was Taylor. I couldn’t find John anywhere. He hated crying in public.

Conrad did not make it, though he sent his wedding present, which arrived last week. He said he was too ashamed to show his face. While it upset Jeremiah that he only sent a text and didn’t show up, I personally thought it was a welcome development. Shame on Conrad was a good thing, definitely better than his humongous ego and lack of respect for others.
“What if he still has feelings for Belly?” He asked uncertainly, when Conrad first told him he would not be coming the eve of the wedding.

“The real question is, does she still have feelings for him?”

He paused for a long time before finally shaking his head. “No, she doesn’t.”

“Then you have nothing to worry about. Conrad will live.”

It took a long time but slowly, everyone realized how terrible we had been to Jeremiah, taking liberties with his feeling, making him second choice, fueling his insecurities. Being around him had been so easy, we got away with taking it for granted for so long.

It had to take staying away for years and never showing up for Christmases or Thanksgiving or for summer in Cousins or birthdays or anything for 4 years for everyone to realize that he was truly done.

And I understood. I understood even as my 50th birthday passed and I didn’t get a call or text from him, and I sat in my apartment alone on a cold January night and stared at the scanty text from his brother; not like I wasn’t grateful for it, it was Conrad, at least he remembered. It was just that I needed more, I wanted more, Jeremiah’s more but I already lost the right to even expect it.

I understood even when I heard he opened his third restaurant in New York and then in New Hampshire, knowing I would not be a part of his joy and even more in the days following my first heart attack, when nobody showed up at the hospital for me for two days.

It was two days of staring at the sterile, white ceiling and rethinking all of my life’s choices and how I ended up in one of the best hospitals in the country but with no one by my side.

When I finally told Laurel, I begged her not to tell Jeremiah, if they were still talking. They were, though barely, which was better than he and I that weren’t talking or texting at all. They made up after the wedding that failed but Jeremiah’s relationship with everyone got strained after Belly and Conrad got back together not even a year after the stunt he pulled at their wedding and nobody said a word.

Even then, we were still good, somewhat. However, what totally broke the camel’s back for him was finding out about Kayleigh and my cheating on his mother when her cancer came back, just a few months after he opened his first restaurant in Boston. He just left and never looked back. A year later, he moved to New York and never came back.

He found out from Denise, the girl that gave him room and board after I threw him out of my house and cut off all access to his funds after the first wedding crashed. She now runs a company with Steven in California and I know Jeremiah tried to start something with her but it fizzled out when she moved.

Conrad came to the hospital on the third day and spent half of the time, trying to tell the doctors what to do and the other half, berating me for not calling. I told him if I had meant that much to him, a text would have been enough. My secretary sent him four because his personal phone was on DND and calls were not going through.

”Don’t attack me for not coming as fast as you wanted me to, because I was busy at my job saving lives,” he said testily, bristling with righteous indignation.

“Save it for the son who doesn’t care if you live or die.”

I knew he didn’t mean to be rude, that it was because he was scared shitless and lashing out, like he always does and on me who just had a heart, ironically, but I also wished he wouldn’t talk about his brother like that anymore to me. It was like he was forgetting I was both of their dad, not just his.

“Jeremiah is not here because he doesn’t know. If I had texted him, he would have come but I can’t,” I explained tiredly.

I was tired and I was sad and would it be so bad if I had died instead? I was sick of my life as it was, so satisfied, so empty. My company was doing great, we just opened up an office in South Africa but there was a hollow in my soul that nothing could fill, an itch that wouldn’t go away. I needed to do something, to make changes but I didn’t know where or how.

“I wonder why that is,” he said with enough bite to cut through my fatigue and in that moment, something clicked for me. For the first time, I did not think I would let it go. Blood surged through my veins, charging me up. It was the most alive I’ve felt in months, years even.

In the past, I had allowed it, even told myself I deserved it because I made a mistake, I hurt people I shouldn’t have but it’s been over a decade and he still hasn’t taken it up with me, preferring to make underhanded jabs every time he needs to score a point over me which is often. It is as if he derives satisfaction from holding your sins over your head, that he cares more about using it against you, than confronting you for doing it. It was like a veil fell off my eyes and I was seeing him for the first time.

I couldn’t believe he got away with it for so long.
How did he manage to trick everyone into believing he was a moral authority on everything while his own terrible behavior went unchecked?

He found out about Susannah’s cancer and Kayleigh about the same time, and what did he do about it except sulk? What did he do differently, that summer? Jeremiah found out about both on his own, why did he never tell him?

Right!

Because he didn’t want to share the power it gave him to know something about someone that no one else knew, something they were ashamed of, or wanted to keep a secret.

He didn’t even defend the honor of the mother he was so mad at me for cheating on; because that was not the point of his anger. He was never angry about mistakes because he wanted to fix them; he was angry, so you know he had something on you now. I had been so consumed trying to earn his forgiveness which he held like a dangling carrot without realizing that was never the point. He didn’t forgive me, not because he could not get over my betrayal, he didn’t forgives me, because then, what would he blackmail me with?

He could have told me off or confronted me like Jeremiah did when he found out but he did nothing because having something against you, made him feel invincible.

He didn’t become extra close to his mother that last summer, knowing she was dying but Jeremiah did, when he found out.

Conrad collected secrets and mistakes like weapons for future attacks; a vengeful spirit posing as a righteous hero.

“What did you just say to me?” I asked, my eyes blazing with fury, the anger turning my mouth bitter with the taste of bile.

He looked surprised, like he didn’t expect me to react at all.

“Nothing,” he mumbled, swallowing nervously, going to stand by the only seat in the room, preferring to lean on the wall than sit down.

“That’s what I thought,” I said mercilessly. “Fucking coward!”

He flinched like I hit him, his face like a kicked puppy and not the man capable of hurting people with his words and selfishness.

“I am not a coward,” he whined quietly, with no fire, which annoyed me even more.

‘What a fucking loser,’ I thought. He was all fire and self-righteous rage until you confronted him and you realize he’s all hot air, nothing else.

All the power he supposedly held over everyone was because somehow, he managed to convince us he was more than he was; that his silence was a quirk, his sullenness, was depth, his last minute confession of love was sincere. He was a conman who had everyone fooled for years, so much that they took Jeremiah’s openness for shallowness.

Who the fuck was he to even judge anyone for anything, considering the depth of selfishness and betrayal he, himself, has been capable of? Like, has he ever heard of a mirror?

I hated to fall into my previous trap of comparing them but I couldn’t help it now. As soon as Jeremiah found out about Kayleigh, he drove over to my place and gave me a piece of his mind and after that, cut me out of his life completely. That was some insane level of self awareness and integrity but not Conrad. Conrad walked around like the world owed him, like he pooped gold with a heart full of hate and darkness.

Being with him these past years without Jeremiah’s flaws to prop him up as better, helped me see him for exactly what he was. Once I started seeing it, I couldn’t unsee it and now at the hospital, I had enough enough. For weeks, I had been ignoring my frequent tiredness and pain in my chest until I collapsed in a board meeting. Now, with a near encounter with Grim Reaper and the certainty of my mortality hanging over my head, I had a lot to get off my chest.

“Yes, you fucking are!” I flung at you. “If you weren’t, you wouldn’t have waited the day before your brother’s fucking wedding to tell his fiancée you were in love with her.”

“I mean, you had 4 fucking years to tell that and you waited till they were getting married to talk? And then you had the nerve to come tell me, you did it because you wanted to break him, like what did you expect me to do? Give you a standing ovation?”

He was getting visibly agitated, pacing the room like a caged animal. I pushed myself up on my pillow so I could see him clearly.

“You don’t know what happened, why I had to do it. He-“ he started to say.

“I don’t fucking care!” I roared at him. Behind me, my heart monitor picked up my rising heart rate and started beeping in warning.

“Don’t you get it? You had no fucking right! You had your shot years ago and you blew it. How dare you stand there and give me reasons? How are you not ashamed of yourself?”

“He cheated on her!” He cried. “I heard his frat friends talking about it and I had to tell her.”

“It was not in your place and they were broken up but even if they weren’t, you had no fucking right! What happened to talking to your brother first?”

“I have no desire to talk to a boy who claims to love his girlfriend and yet, can sleep with someone else and it’s not like a ring makes someone yours,” he argued, unapologetically.

I just stared at him, just thinking how it could have been the same mother that raised Jeremiah, that raised him. How was he so unaware of his own actions, so lacking in empathy or any measure of self accountability.

“By your logic, if a ring doesn’t make a person yours, then you shouldn’t care if Jeremiah cheated on his girlfriend or not, or that I cheated on your mom or does that logic applies when you want to justify your own cheating?”

“I have never cheated!” He protested. “I stayed for years and I could barely look at another girl. All I could think of, was her, every day, every night. And it’s not like I just jumped into conclusions. I asked her and she told me he cheated but it was a mistake and she forgave him. What was I supposed to do?”

“Hear both sides of the story! Did it ever occur to you that she could have been lying or that there was more to the story? Did you ever try to hear from Jeremiah? You didn’t consider any other possibility because then, you would not be able to justify your own selfish agenda.”

“Belly wouldn’t lie to me,” he said and I laughed.

“But she did. She lied to you that night just like she lied to Jeremiah for years and she lied to you for months after you both got back together in Paris. She said she loved you but did you really believe that, after spending 4 happy years with your brother and almost got married to him? You think her live for you compared to what she had with him? What you were, was a prop, an escape. She just turned 21 and she was getting married? She must have been scared out of her mind.”

He looked red in the face with anger but he could not say anything. He didn’t have any comeback as usual. I had backed him into a corner.

“Did she ever tell you that it was Jeremiah that called off the wedding and even then, she was begging they still get married?” I continued my interrogation.

He open and closed his mouth several times, as if he was looking for a defense but couldn’t come up with anyone.

“How do you know all these things?” He asked. “I thought you and Jere haven’t been talking.”

“Before he found out about Kayleigh, we used to.”

I don’t think anyone had ever spoken to him like that or told him some of these things; no wonder he never learnt. We all just let him believe he was in the right all the time. I was glad we were having these conversations now and I thought I was getting through to him until he opened his mouth again and went;

”Of course. Now I see why you would defend his cheating; birds of a feather,” choosing to hit right where it would hurt the most.

I saw red!

“You little piece of shit!” I said through clenched teeth, trying to control my breathing and failing.

“You think you’re so perfect, huh? You that made a move on your own brother’s fiancée, chased her down to Paris and lied to her so she could date you and you think that makes you better because you didn’t ‘cheat?’”

He stared at me with a dour expression, his lips turned at the corner, like he was smelling something bad. I hoped it was the smell of his putrid soul bothering him for once.

”You betrayed your brother, you deceived the woman you claim you loved, you ruined your family. THAT IS WORSE THAN CHEATING, you fool!”

I was screaming now.

“It’s not my fault she loved me more than him and chose me.”

“Did she?” I challenged him. “Because last I heard, she kicked you out of her apartment in the middle of the night after she found out what a lying piece of shit you were.”

He staggered like I just hit him, gripping the edge of the seat beside him. He clearly didn’t expect I would know. Laurel told me. In the absence of Susannah, I become her sounding board regarding the Fisher-Conklin love triangle.

“And you want to know a secret?” I taunted him, my lips curled up in a nasty snarl. “I BEGGED her to leave you.”

All the blood drained from his face as he stared at me. “Dad, what?!”

All his bravado was gone, replaced by horror. I was his biological father after all, I too knew how to hit where it hurt the most.

“How could you do that to me?” He asked, fat drops of tears falling down his face.

“How could you do it to Jeremiah?” I replied, and then suddenly, I was tired, very tired and sick of everything. The more I thought about everything, the more sickening he became.

He stumbled into a seat and cradled his head in his hands, looking defeated. He was shocked, like he never heard about the concept of the taste of your own medicine before.

“Dad, I-“ he started but stopped as he looked at me.

I didn’t want to hear it anyway. I did him such a huge disservice making him feel like he was better than his brother, that he meant more to me than him. It was my fault, I accept full responsibility for my actions but it ends here, with me, today. No more.

“Dad, are you okay? Can you hear me?” His voice seemed to be coming from afar. My chest hurt so much.

I managed to muster some strength and pointed towards where I imagined the door was and muttered;

“Get out and never come back.”

I don’t know if he heard me but I had meant it. I already lost one son, I could as well do without the other, if it would mean not having to deal with any of his judgement and self centeredness anymore.

Personally, I didn’t think Jeremiah cheated on Isabel, if anything, I thought she did the cheating based on what I heard but a lot of people would argue on the technicality of it, like Conrad and her, which I did not care for. I would know what real cheating was and what it wasn’t, after all, it takes one to know one and Jeremiah was no cheater.

If anything, if any of them was same feather as me, it was Conrad. When Susannah was dying, we both left 17-year old Jeremiah to look after her alone, sorting out her medical bills and cleaning up after her while I went off to frolic with Kayleigh and he with Isabel Conklin. At the time, I was coping, and so was Conrad but who ever asked how Jeremiah coped?

Everything was growing dimmer by the second, I heard people burst into the room, a flash of faces and white scrubs, a syringe in my arm and then, nothing.

They say I had a second heart attack. It almost killed me.

Chapter Text

The second heart attack was worse than the first and affirmed that I had to have the surgery but my condition was so bad, they had to hold it off for a year while they closely monitored me the whole time.

Conrad did not listen to me, no surprise there. He did not go back to California. He took a week from work and stayed. He stayed and took care of me after I was discharged before we hired a live-in nurse. He even cooked!

Nothing like his brother’s culinary genius, but I ate everything he cooked because I was equal part grateful, and pathetic. Those first two days at the hospital when nobody showed up, I had rued my life but now, someone did. Conrad showed up, and he took care of his ailing father without complaining. The least I could do was eat his dry chicken. Plus, if I didn’t eat, I would starve to death and I didn’t survive two massive heart attacks to be taken out by starvation.

He cooked every day and tried to make me those smoothie things that Jeremiah was famous for and stayed until I finished them. Needless to say, I teared up in relief when my caretaker resumed and he finally went back to California, taking his wartime recipes with him, but bless his soul for trying.

We didn’t talk much in the week when he was around and I missed him when he was gone. I missed his sullen silences and dour look and accusing eyes. It was funny watching just how sad he could make himself get with the least amount of effort while he did nothing to address it and it was even endearing too; Jeremiah had permanent laugh lines, Conrad had permanent frown lines and they were both my sons and I loved them even though they both hated me, one more than the other. I was sure Jeremiah hated me, but Conrad hated me a little for interfering with Isabel, he thought it was my fault she left him, I thought he was willfully blind besides, I didn’t ask her to go back to Jeremiah, she made that decision on her own years later.

I didn’t hate Conrad, I could never. It was just that watching him hurt people and then act like it was his divine right to, drove me crazy. It reminded me too much of myself and look where it got me.

Maybe I was being too hard on him, but maybe I needed to. How could he defend what he did? How could he have no remorse even now? It hurt. It hurt so much, that his brother, his family meant so little to him. Family was everything, didn’t he know that by now?

There was no way I could claim to be sorry for every pain we put Jeremiah through, if I never told Conrad he was wrong. If I had my wish, we would all be one big, happy family again but since that was not to be, we could at least be a honest one.

My phone pings. It is a text from Conrad. He’s asking how the wedding is going. I don’t know if he is asking out of duty or if he really wants to know or maybe he’s hoping something stopped it. And also, I think a part of him is shocked at how close Jeremiah and I have gotten in recent years. He was used to me going off on him in the past, now he didn’t know how into the new dynamic where I was nice to the both of them, not just him. I took a picture while Jeremiah was dipping Belly after the ceremony and kissing her while someone popped the confetti. I sent that to him. He left the message on read.

I chuckled a little, as I imagined him having a near panic attack seeing the picture. Exposure therapy, that was what he needed. This wedding was happening, and he needed to know it.

I know he’s still salty about Belly and Jeremiah after 2 years. I think he should get over it, but then, he is the guy that took 6 years to get over a 6 month relationship he had with Isabel when she was 16 in Junior Year of High School. Given his history, I figure we would have that conversation about moving on in 16 years, hopefully, my heart hasn’t given up on me by then.

If not, he’s all Laurel’s problem, he is her special boy after all. I hope she doesn’t have a heart attack too before she can see him grow up.

I still don’t regret advising Isabel to leave him. In fact, I think it is the best thing I ever did for everyone. Susannah started the triangle, I ended it.

Many years ago, when Laurel told me about Susannah’s plan, I was devastated. Conrad was just nine months old and I was finally settling into being a father and a husband and I was going to lose it all?
Laurel hadn’t told me because she liked me, she had told me because she loved Susannah too much and she felt like we could have a conversation; which never happened. She gave me a chance which I never took, a chance she never gave the other guy, I don’t like thinking about him.

Laurel loved him, I knew she did, they were close and he and Susannah were the siblings she never had but for me, for my future with Susannah, she betrayed him. She never forgave herself for that but I think she lived with it because it kept Susannah safe. I do not kid myself that she wouldn’t have done the same thing to me if it had been me she thought was a threat to her life. That unquestionable loyalty and unyielding stubbornness was the same reason she firmly opposed Jeremiah and Belly getting married the first day they announced it at the lunch after Susannah’s memorial.

I was being such a dick that day, riling Laurel up by ordering the most expensive thing on the menu after she offered to pay because I just couldn’t miss an opportunity to piss her off and to Jeremiah too, because, well, it was what I did. I was always a dick to Jeremiah and nobody ever said anything. I’ve gotten away with being terrible to him without any pushbacks for years, I didn’t even think of it anymore. It was just second nature to pick on Jeremiah every chance I got.

There is not a day that passes where I am not disappointed in myself and the way I handled my relationship with that kid, for making him pay for the crime he didn’t commit. He was as much a victim as I was but I took it out on him.

From the moment Jeremiah was born, I suspected something wasn’t right. I recognized the Susannah in him; ocean blue eyes and blond hair but his tight curls of hair and slightly darker skin tone, were neither hers nor mine. As he grew older, he became even more unknown, more unfamiliar, like a stranger living in my house and I convinced myself it was a stray gene from both of our gene pool; genetics was a crazy thing; one of our ancestors had been Hispanic or something.

I loved Susannah, I refused to consider other possibilities or maybe I just didn’t care. I fought so hard to get my family with her, I was not going to ruin it over a genetic fluke. I needed to keep my family together.

There was no one like Susannah, with her beautiful heart and gentle smile, she could make any man feel like he owned the world. When I was with her, I felt like I could conquer anything life threw at me but I was young and stupid and afraid that things would change if we got more committed. Until her, I hadn’t really thought so much of marriage, I didn’t think it was that important. My parents were my reason. They hated getting married to each other so much, they divorced when I was 3 but they remained together for the rest of their lives, just not married.

I wanted to be with Susannah and I knew she loved me but even then, I knew there was a part of her that would never be mine and that was summer and her little summer family. Maybe a part of me also held back because of that. I wanted to have a family with her from the moment we met at Laurel's birth party in their Sophomore year. She had loved dancing and that night, we danced the night away and by morning, I was in love with her.

However, I soon came to realize she had a family that meant the world to her and every summer, they went to her family’s holiday home in Wilmington, in a small beach town called Cousins and I was never invited. They never even asked if I wanted to join.

I asked her several times if she and the cute Italian guy had anything going on and I think she said something like he was her best friend turned brother. She even offered to introduce us. One handshake and it was evident we hated each other. I knew immediately that he liked her and why not? Who wouldn’t love Susannah?

I was okay with an unrequited love, I could not force Susannah to cut off her friend, besides, Laurel would probably kill me for trying. I trusted Susannah and I felt like Laurel was on my side plus, we weren’t completely serious. As long as she still kept her Italian “bestie,” around, I figured I could keep a few besties of my own.

And then the summer after their graduation, everything changed. Susannah didn’t care for my attention anymore, she even avoided me and Laurel glared at me every time our paths crossed. Then I heard she was in France with him and I felt sick for days.

Then, they dated for the next 3 years, and I lived with a knife in my back for years. She told me they were best friends, at what point did that change? I wanted her back, I wanted her like I’ve never wanted anything else in my life. Fuck my parent’s views on marriage, I wanted to marry her, only her. I should have let her go but I couldn’t. Nobody else could make me feel the way she did, look at me the way she did, kissed me the way she did, or whispered my name in the throes of passion the way she did. I tried, trust me.

So I hung around, at the fringes, just waiting, bidding my time or maybe just being pathetic. We became those exes who remained friends; innocent coffee dates once in a while, the occasional letters and then, one day, we hung out in Boston. It was the fourth year of Breakers and we were doing very well and she was pissed. And not at me for the first time. At him.

He wasn’t ready to get married yet. The fashion world was so fast paced, he was just getting his leg in and he didn’t think this was the right time for him to be making a commitment like that with her. He said he would not be fully present with her but Susannah said she didn’t care. Plus, he was worried that he didn’t have enough to afford the life she was used to. There was no point of rushing into a marriage where he lacked everything to make it worth it and so, they broke up, in the worst possible way.

“But I don’t care about that!” Susannah had said to me, eyes puffy from crying. “And I keep telling him that!”

“What does Laurel think of this?” I had asked carefully.

She had thrown her hands up in the air in frustration.

“She is on his side.” Then she leaned forward, her words tumbling out faster than she was probably breathing. She was mad and sad and breathtaking.

“And you know her reason? He cannot afford to take care of the summer house yet. Can you imagine that? I should pause my life because of a fucking summer house!”

She blew her hair away from her face, still pissed. I have never seen her so worked up about anything before.

“I don’t care about the summer house, I just want to get married to him. But it seems that’s all they both care about. Life is more than summers in Cousins…” she finished.

It hurt to see how emotional another man made her. In that moment, I realized I couldn’t be what that man was to her, I couldn’t be her best friend. I couldn’t sit down and listen to her talk about how much she loved and wanted another man and not want that for myself, and not want to take my chance. I could never be that self sacrificing.

My chest was pounding so fast as I did a rough calculation in my head. And I was feeling a little lightheaded too. This was the closest we have been in three years and for this long, and I was sucking in every whiff of her perfume like I was starving.

That summer house meant so much to Susannah, she told me herself; how it held all the magic of her life and how she couldn’t wait to bring her children there. We used to talk about a lot of things in the past when we were together. I just took it all for granted. I always just assumed that it would be our children, that I would be invited eventually.

But I didn’t tell her that.

Instead, I said, “you can have it all now, the summer house, the marriage, the kids. You don’t have to let go of anything to keep anyone and didn’t you say you always wanted to have your kids early?”

She nodded, her eyes suddenly brimming with tears. “Adam, you remember?”

”Yeah,” I said, “I remember everything about you, Susannah.”

It had been a couple of weeks after their breakup. Nothing happened between us that day until there was a tabloid story of him kissing a model from Russia on a Yatch owned by one of his bigger clients a couple of months later. That night, Susannah showed up at my door, a wreck. The moment I shut the door, she had her mouth and hands on me. I couldn’t have resisted her even if I wanted to. It was the best sex I had ever had until that day.

I risked Laurel’s wrath and I didn’t care for her Italian ex. I was going to take my chance when I got it. We ended up spending the entire night together and the next week, I had my mom’s silver ring burnished and polished for her. I was sure but thinking back to it now, I probably jinxed our marriage with that ring considering my parents didn’t stay married.

It was bliss, Conrad was born and Laurel had come around. I mean, she had to, she understood that family mattered more than summer loves seeing how she had a family of her own now. It had surprised me, Laurel getting married. She didn’t look the sort at all, the sort to get knocked up by a college professor, the sort to be pressured into marriage by her parents but she was. I guess you never really know anyone completely.

Laurel just had Steven, he was 3 months old while Conrad was 9 when she called me that Susannah was going to leave me for him. They had seen each other in Boston three weeks prior. It seemed something happened but Susannah wouldn’t tell her and they were going to meet up in Cousins the next day.

That day, I drove from my office to Cousins breaking several speed limits. I felt crazy, thinking of a million, different scenarios of what it would be like if Susannah left. Would she leave with Conrad or would I be forced to be a single dad? What would I tell the boy when he grew old enough to ask why his mother left?

I was shaking so hard, I had to stop halfway to get a grip on myself. I had no concrete plan for what I would do when I got there, I hadn’t even been there before. Susannah still spent summers with Laurel there without an invitation to John and l. I didn’t mind, as long as the other man was not there.

I was prepared to wait in my car till the next day for them so I could confront the both of them the next day but I was in luck because when I got there that night, he was already there, waiting for her. When he opened the door, the first thing I did was serve him an uppercut.

”What the fuck do you think you’re doing you fucking, selfish bastard?!” I yelled at him.

We tussled and fought in the living room until we wore ourselves out and then, panting, each of us with a bloody nose, he told me it was Susannah who begged to run away with him because she claimed she realized she made a mistake marrying me. He didn’t want to hurt anyone, but she begged him to show up and he had no choice. She didn’t give him a lot of information, only that she changed her mind after Boston and he always show up for her no matter what.

The three happiest years of my life and all they were to her, was a mistake.

I went home that night with my head down, defeated. I thought she finally chose me, that she wanted this as much as I wanted her. He had come for the wedding, he had given his blessings, supposedly, why did it take so long for her to realize it was never me? How could she have been so confused?

I wasn’t my parents. Here was a girl I loved like I’ve never loved anyone before and I couldn’t imagine not being with her forever so that day, when I got home, I said nothing. The next day, I hid in my room as I watched her drive away in the morning, knowing she would be back because there would be no one waiting in Cousins.

And then she came back and she mentioned that she visited Cousins and there was a broken vase on the floor. She never asked why I had a black eye or a split lip. We just went back to remaining married. A part of me has not been able to completely feel guilty about that incident. I feel like somehow, she had wanted me to know, that she knew Laurel would tell me and maybe a part of her wanted me to fight for her and I did. There was no summer in Cousins that year.

And then, Jeremiah was born at the end it, the beginning of autumn. It was a rainy day and an easy birth but as soon as he came out, Susannah wouldn’t look at me.

I called Laurel as I walked away and drove around for hours, my chest feeling like a million needles were poking it. Then I stopped after hours of driving, on a lonely tree lane and stared into nothing and then I cried.

I cried for hours and I went home and got her maternity supplies. By the time I made it back to the hospital, I already convinced myself that it was genetics playing a game with us. I mean, didn’t her sister, Julia have the wildest curls? And if you really looked at my skin, it could pass for tanned and I also had blue eyes, didn’t I?

I would bite off anyone’s head who dared to suggest otherwise but for years, I was hyper critical of the boy and nobody said anything: maybe because of guilt, maybe because we became people who told ourselves stories we didn’t entirely believe and ignored the things right in front of our eyes; maybe that was why Susannah and Laurel couldn’t see the line straight line connecting Jeremiah and Isabel, because they convinced themselves of a different story.

Our marriage never remained the same. Susannah and I became people who crept around secrets and didn’t poke at things. She never asked where I went that night and I never asked her, what happened the night she ran into Andrea in Boston. Everything always began and ended on a night in Boston

Summer was Susannah’s special time of the year, when she felt the most alive, the happiest and the closest to content with herself and when the boys were 5 and 4, she decided I was to no longer be a part of it except on the 4th of July, no reasons given, no questions asked. I never got used to the fireworks, they startled me and every year, she complained about how it wasn’t good enough how I did them.

It frustrated me for years because how else could a firework be? Was there a technique for it? I didn’t realize there was until I watched Jeremiah do one at 13 and it was bigger and brighter than anything I’ve ever done in my life.

I hated it, I hated myself and maybe even if I’m being honest, I hated Susannah too for keeping me on the outside.
But most of all, I hated that stupid, summer house. That was why I was so keen to sell it off after Susannah died. It was a monument of all the times I had to be without my family, when I was forced to watch from the outside like a stranger.

It was the only time I was made to stay away but it was enough to draw the lines where Susannah needed them to be. Summer was never going to be about us.

Years of therapy has helped me work most of these things out. These days, I no longer ignore things, hoping they will go away. I just never share them because what’s the point? It’s all in the past.

I love the summer house now. Besides being such a huge part of my kid’s lives, its real estate value has quadrupled in the last four years. Not like I’m looking to sell or anything but my finance brain cannot help noticing that I have a goldmine sitting in my family. Between their trust from their mother and inheritance from me, and this house, the boys and the next three generations after, were set up for life. Just saying…

The ceremony is over, guests have drifted to the reception but I stay a little longer on my seat, staring at the program, feeling a little tired.

Jere and Bells was written in elegant cursive, on the front page of the little, dainty program with a beautiful picture of the both of them. There is a QR code at the back of it that would send you to a website with their story and all of their favorite memories. You could also upload pictures from the wedding there and your wishes for them.

I consider sending it to Conrad but I decide against it. I don’t think he would appreciate it.

I scrub my hands on my face, at the memory, of how I had hijacked the first wedding and even let my mistress plan it. Jeremiah never forgave me for that one. I should have told him but it was one of the things that I also hoped would go away if I ignored it enough.
The self loathing still seats like a heavy stone in my chest, some days more than others.

I take a deep breath and head for the bar. I slid into an empty stool and ask for a bottle of water. Once in front of me, I take a long gulp. It is an open bar but I don’t drink much anymore just the occasional beer. My doctor said I need to pace myself these days and that I also need to start exercising more. I try.

I run every morning and take every opportunity I get to walk as much as possible.

I toss the empty bottle into a thrash, feeling much better. Maybe I was dehydrated but I think I should go see my doctor as soon as I get back to Boston.

With that thought in mind, I go greet the new couple, and for a moment, all my heavy thoughts are banished away and I even tease Laurel a little. I guess it is a little petty of me but I don’t care. I’m letting myself feel the joy and relief that everything had gone smoothly without any drama, that we did it without any hiccups.

I really do want to do better now, by my sons and everyone else.These days, I want to focus on my relationships with my sons without comparing them; life is truly too short. One day you think you have all the time, and the next, the clock is ticking in your brain, tick tock and suddenly, you’re living life in spades and measures.

I started 8 years ago, when I forced myself to talk to Isabel.
At the time, she was still with Conrad but even then, anyone could see that she wouldn’t be for long; I couldn’t even get why she was with him at all. They both spent half of summer that year with me in Cousins and Jeremiah didn’t show up. I watched the light dim behind her eyes.

Everyone talked about Belly and Conrad’s invisible magnetic field but when I saw them together, all I could see was the invisible repulsion of two similar polar magnetic fields bouncing off each other.

I mean, if they were so magnetic, why did I never notice it on my own? Why couldn’t I see it when I saw them together?

They didn’t fit, she was a different person from this person at the wedding; she didn’t laugh enough but I guess Conrad was not funny enough or maybe he just wasn’t enough at all..
But while she looked miserable and kept looking at the door, Conrad was ecstatic, it was like he couldn’t see what was going on, couldn’t see her and why would he?

Getting her was never really about getting her, as much as it was about winning over his brother, winning the girl and of course I would know, I invented the game but at least I had a conversation with the other dude. I doubt he ever spoke to Jeremiah.

That night, Conrad came to ask me for his mother’s ring, he wanted to propose to Belly.
I just stared at him, wondering how he could have just taken everything terrible from me and none of his mother’s kindness or empathy or warmth. He scared me with how cold his ruthlessness was.

I escaped the initial phase of the triangle but now having a front row, I was overwhelmed by how messed up and ragged it was. Nobody was happy except Conrad and he didn’t care.

Sometimes I wondered if he was even truly happy or if he convinced himself that he was because he got the girl. I wondered if he missed his brother, if it even bothered him that they were estranged. It clearly bothered Isabel.

I gave him the ring but I couldn’t sleep that night so I went looking for ger. She wasn’t in her room, she was in Jeremiah’s; sitting on his bed, his closet open, his shirt pressed against her face, she didn’t notice me come inside.

She startled as soon as she realized she had company. She sat up, looking guilty.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Fisher, I didn’t mean to intrude.”

I winced at the formality. I wished she could finally call me Adam but I guess her loyalty to Jeremiah overrode her relationship with Conrad because I had treated Jeremiah terribly while I adored Conrad.

I waved her off, taking the only seat in the room, suddenly tired, not from any physical activity but from years and years of piled on guilt. She relaxed.

“I miss him too, you know,” I said quietly, breaking the awkward silence between us.

It was the first time I was talking to anyone about Jeremiah, the first time I felt like I could. His absence left a big, gaping hole in my chest and it wasn’t until he was completely gone, until absent through the birthdays and summer and dinners, that I realized what I lost.

I watched the tears roll down her face again and then she was sniffling.

My closest interaction with the youngest Conklin was when she announced hers and Jeremiah’s engagement when she couldn’t bear any more of my berating him.

But watching her cry, I felt a surge of paternal affection for her.

“Poor girl,”I thought. I wondered what it must feel like to be her, to be the person in the middle of all of this. Everyone was so focused on which of the Fisher boys she finally ended up with, it seemed they all forgot about her, and what she truly wanted; no wonder she was always so confused.

I handed her a box of tissues which she grabbed gratefully, dabbing at her face as she kept apologizing.
“It’s okay,” I shushed her. “It is okay that you miss him and you are sad about it. I am sad about it myself, only I can’t cry, unfortunately,” I chuckled sadly.

She fixed me with big, teary, but grateful doe eyes.”

Seeing her like that twisted my guts in a million different ways. If she was still so broken after almost two years, I wondered how Jeremiah felt even now, if he was coping well. He was so far away from home now, it made me ache that he could be hurting alone right now. He was alone because we all betrayed him.

Thinking about Jeremiah in pain, made me remember Susannah in pain. Her depression while she was pregnant with Jeremiah, grudgingly accepting my offer to go to her appointments with with her, refusing to spend that year’s summer in Cousins. I knew Jeremiah had been depressed after the wedding failed and then I cut him off. He was at rock bottom and I cut him off.

I took a cleansing breath to dispel the lingering ghosts.

“Why did you get back with Conrad?” I asked her. “It wasn’t even a year that you were almost getting married to Jeremiah. Why?”

“I don’t know,” she said, tears running down her face. “It just felt like what I was meant to do.”

“You mean what Susannah and Laurel wanted you to do?”

She nodded, wiping her eyes. “But not just them, everyone. Everyone else seemed to think it was supposed to be me and him, not Jeremiah. I was tired of fighting and running from it.”

“Your father didn’t think that,” I told her. “He supported you both and for what it is worth, I did too. I thought you were very lucky to have Jeremiah.”

She looked at me surprised, still sniffing. “But I thought you hated Jeremiah?”

I winced at the memory from that Susannah’s memorial dinner. I rubbed a knot on the back of my neck, my stomach twisting with the memory.

“No kid, I didn’t hate him. I just hated myself.”

She nodded, the movement coinciding with the sound of the fireworks outside. It was the 4th of July, we didn’t make any fireworks, not anymore and maybe not for a long time.

“Sometimes, I think I hate myself too,” she said quietly.

We sat in silence for a couple of minutes, letting the moment sink in.

Then I finally asked her. “Isabel, what are you doing here with Conrad?”

She stared at me, her eyes full of guilt and unhappiness. She was so sad, it broke my heart. She was young, yet so lost. It felt as if she had never, truly lived her life.

“Jeremiah is not here,” I continued. “He is not coming back, at least not for a long time. Why did you come here?”

Her smile was as watery as her shrug was small. “I don’t know,” she simply said. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

In that moment, it hit me, the truth. “You don’t love Conrad, do you?”

She shook her head in fervid protest. “Of course I do, across infinite universes. I chose him.”

A short laugh escaped me.

“Infinite universes?! Is that a new Gen Z slang or what? Who needs an Infinite universes when you are so miserable in this one? Infinite universes of what? infinite unhappiness?”

Her face fell. She wrung her fingers on her laps.

“I know, it sounds stupid to me too,” she said softly, heavily, with too much sadness than one person should bear. “I hate myself so much for everything I did. I don’t think Jeremiah will ever forgive me, I don’t think he even should.”

“Makes the two of us,” I sighed resignedly, regretfully. “He found out about Kayleigh.”

“Oh.” She said quietly, looking away from me. “I knew about it, I didn’t tell him either.”

Then she looked at me, guilt in her eyes. “I lied too,” she said, like she was sharing a secret with me.

“He broke up with me and he slept with someone else and I told everyone he cheated on me. I thought it had been a simple fight, I didn’t realize the breakup had been real for him. On the night Conrad confessed his love to me, I made him believe Jeremiah had intended to cheat when I knew he hadn’t.”

“Why wasn’t it real for you?” I had asked her.

She looked like she was close to tears again. “I guess I was just used to bigger, nastier fights with Conrad and this felt like nothing to me but it was everything to him.”

I nodded as I understood her. This was the longest I have ever spoken to the youngest Conklin and it was the most understanding and understood I have felt in years and for a moment, I wondered what could have been, if that wedding had fallen through, if we would have been close and had conversations like these.

I realized that I liked her and wouldn’t have minded if she was my daughter in-law at all. I mean, she could still be, if she married Conrad but looking at her now, I didn’t want it; not like this. I didn’t want to find her crying her eyes out in Jeremiah’s old room and sniffing his shirt. I wanted to laugh with her and be teased by her and Jeremiah and to hear everything she was up to. I wanted her to be happy and I didn’t think she would ever be happy with Conrad.

There was almost zero chance that she would ever be with Jeremiah again. That ship had sailed, who knows, maybe the next time we saw him again, he would be with his wife and kid. I would love that for him, to be happy with a wife that was happy and in love with him. It was the same thing I also wanted for Conrad. And for Isabel but not all mistakes can be fixed. Some, you just carry them for the rest of your life.

I said to her, “I know you miss Jeremiah and you think you should be with Conrad but I want you to know that your life is bigger than my sons… I need you to know that.”
She nodded.
“The day you were born, I drove Susannah to the hospital to be with your mother. I heard your first cry and even though we did not have any real relationship, I have known you all your life and I always thought you were special. Anyone else would have fallen apart with everything that’s happened in the last two years but not you. I know you made a lot of mistakes but you are young. Being young is for you to make mistakes and find yourself and explore the world but you will never get to do that if you confine yourself to being with either Jeremiah or Conrad.”

Her eyes were as wide as a saucer, she looked like she was hanging on to every word I was saying.

“But what about Conrad? What of Jeremiah? What about my mom?” She asked fearfully.

I shook my head in disagreement. “What about you?”

Both my sons and Isabel deserved a different story than has been written for them. It’s gone long enough, and right now, it seemed like the person suffering the most was her. Conrad was a doctor, Jeremiah was a chef. What was Isabel doing? Waiting to be married to a Fisher boy?

I stifled a yawn as I stood up. She stood up too and hugged me. I stood there, frozen for a few seconds and then a deluge of emotions slammed into me. The last hug I ever received was from Jeremiah, after I told him I was proud of him after his debut. I didn’t expect to but I was fighting back tears.

Oh God! How I missed that boy, how I missed my son.
All those years I just took him for granted, hurt him and not once did he give up on me.
That he finally did, was the worst realization of my life, I finally lost him. He didn’t deserve any of the things I put him through. Not all of them had been motivated by hate but they hurt him nonetheless.

We stood there, brokenhearted, mourning the loss of the boy whose love we never thought we could lose because it had been so unconditional, so freely given and now, he was gone and in his wake was ashes of our own making.

When she let go, she smiled apologetically.
“Thank you Mr. Fisher, for everything. It felt good to talk to someone about it again. My mom doesn’t really care about all of this and I’m not so close to my old friends anymore…”

“Promise me you will not give up on yourself before you’ve finally lived.” I beseeched her. “ I don’t care what happens after today as long as the choices you make are the ones that bring you peace.”

“I promise,” she said solemnly.

Later in my own room, I felt like a traitor to my own son, but feeling better for it.

Conrad didn’t get the chance to propose. The weekend he visited in Paris, she found out he lied about Jeremiah being okay with their relationship after she asked him why they weren’t talking if he was and then she kicked him out.

For the next couple of months nobody saw or heard from her.

Her first text came 6 months later.

“Hello Mr. Fisher,
I’m sorry for my silence and if I got you worried.
I am in Canada now, and I am doing well.
Thank you for saving my life.”

She started therapy and she got a job in International Relations. Years later, she reconnected with Jeremiah and today, I was at their wedding.

I am chatting with a business partner and politician from Iowa feeling very good about the way everything turned out in the end and that I got to play a role in making it happening.

I can’t fix everything in the past, but maybe I had the rest of my future to make up for it.

Or not…

The thought trailed off in my head as someone stepped into the room and caught my attention. I froze as I recognized him.

Andrea Giovanni himself, in life and spirit. A lot of people knew his work and name but very few people knew the man himself.

I watched him take in the entire room and when his eyes rested on the couple, he got the biggest smile on his face, so familiar, it hit me right in the chest.

No, no genetic fluke. It was all right there. Except for the now silver color of his hair and mustache, it was like looking at a fit, confident, stinkingly rich middle aged version of the groom today.

I felt a tremor of anger trail down my spine and maybe a little jealousy. He didn’t get to come back to our lives and be proud of anyone. He was a stranger and I was not going to let him ruin this beautiful day.

I excused myself and walked towards him. He saw me before I got to him and he watched me with that schooled, but guarded expression on his face, familiar like a memory I lived with everyday.

I hated that man. I will always hate him, therapy be damned.

I hated him when I knew he meant more to Susannah than I ever would, when he was just struggling to make his first break in the fashion industry. I hated him for all the ways he left his mark in Cousins, how that fucking summer house became an altar for his ghost, one that I was not allowed to desecrate with my presence.

And I hated him even more after Susannah’s cancer came back and he was the first person she reached out to, when I found out he was thrice my net worth and he wanted to sponsor her treatment if she said the word and right now, I hated him even more.

I stopped in front of him, my fists clenched inside the pocket of my suit pants.

“Giovanni,” I said, without preamble.

“Fisher,” he replied, just as cooly. His eyes were a deep brown, but they held an intelligence that I recognized in a blue one.

“This is a long way from France, don’t you think?”

He regarded me casually, looking so dapper in his navy blue tuxedo. He looked like he was dressed for the occasion, for the wedding and it filled me with a sense of dread.

He gave me a slow, easy smile that could have been friendly from any other person but him.

“Am I?” He asked, quirking his brows. I felt another wave of irritation hit me. The man was baiting me and I was falling for it. I was dying to know why he was here but I’d be dead before I asked.

“You tell me,” I shrugged.

He took a deep breath and adjusted his jacket as he looked behind me and smiled, that same, proud smile with a hint of recognition.

“I believe today is my son’s wedding day, isn’t it?” He fixed me with an unflinching smile that did not reach his eyes.

“You fucking coward,” I started, teeth clenched, heart pounding as I stepped close to him. “If you do anything stupid, I will finish what I didn’t in Cousins years ago. I will personally break your neck myself.”

“Relax man,” he chuckled. “What could I possibly do to ruin the day?”

Everything?

The fact that he showed up, that he even existed already ruined the day for me. I was about to match out of the hall with him when I heard John come up behind me.

“Hey man! Been looking everywhere for you. Don’t want you sneaking away and stuff, you never know when you might have another heart attack,” he joked, to which Andrea guffawed.

“Americans,” he said. “So morbidly funny,” he chuckled and John turned to him with a smile that froze on his face as soon as he took him in. He looked at him and to me and back.

“He looks like….”

Andrea’s eyes crinkled with mischief as he finished John’s words. “Jeremiah?”

John nodded, looking confused.

”Funny thing,” the bastard said. “Adam here was telling me the same thing,” then he smiled his big, Jeremiah type dazzling smile and held out his hands to John who gasped as he finally recognized him.

“Andrea? Andrea Giovanni?”

The other man shook his head and they shook hands amongst how have you beens and “it’s been ages.

Then they both looked at me, on Andrea’s face was contentment, the face of a man who had nothing to lose.

On John’s was questions and fear as if asking,”what now? How do we fix this?”

Mine was blank, inside, I just wished I died yesterday.

Chapter Text

When it got too emotional for me, I bailed from my seat and ran to the bar but still, right in my line of vision was the happy couple facing the crowd. Belly’s smile is so open and wide and Jeremiah is now unabashedly looking at her like I’ve caught him doing so many times before when he thought no one was watching. The look of a man hopelessly in love.
As if he can’t help himself anymore, he dips her and kisses her and Taylor pops the confetti and everywhere is covered in shimmers and cheers.
There is a bright warmness blooming in my chest as I watch them; could be from the refined scotch sliding down my throat right now or their contagious happiness from or the fact that I was right and Laurel was wrong.

“They are not you and me, Laurel, they are good for each other,” I had told her but she had not believed me.
6 years down the line and I have been proven right and they are getting married to each other. 6 years of pain and heartache just delaying the inevitable.
If that wedding had happened the first time, I would have been a grandad by now.
Good thing I am going to be one soon.

I grab a bottle of water and my glass of scotch and head for Steven and Taylor.
Steven accepts the water gratefully, eyeing my glass thirstily. To show support for his pregnant wife, he has not been drinking any alcohol as well but I know he misses it.

He takes almost everything in one gulp. Taylor says she is thirsty too so I go back to the bar and return with two bottles.
Taylor, Steven’s wife is one of the most loquacious people I’ve ever met but for some reason, I have always found it hard to talk to her. I think it is her eyes and maybe it’s all just in my head or I’m just projecting but a part of me thinks she believes I was not a good enough father, that I could have been more present. I do not blame her for thinking that. I have had enough time to come to that conclusion myself too.
I was not as present in the kid’s lives as much as I should have and maybe that’s why I didn’t know half of what was going on, until after they’ve happened.
For years, I let Laurel have her way every time we had different opinions, just to keep the peace, that it probably surprised her, how firm I was when I told her I would support Belly and Jeremiah’s wedding years ago.
Turns out it didn’t make that much of a difference anyway.

I sip my drink, watching Taylor adjust her feet on Steven’s laps.
She is so heavy, I wonder how she even managed to be Belly’s Maid of Honor in her condition but knowing her, she was probably adamant about it.

“How has it been going?” I asked, curious, trying to make conversation while Steven is uncapping the bottle of water for Taylor.

“Great!” she says cheerfully, rubbing her huge stomach. Steven hands her the bottle, a tender expression on his face.
“Baby should pop anytime soon.”

“How soon are we taking about here?” I ask, aghast. I can’t believe she said that so casually.

“Say, two weeks or even less.”

My eyes are practically popping out of my socket in shock.

“Taylor!” I almost screamed. “What the hell? You are practically due. How are you not resting more?”
I turn to glare at Steven. He shrugs helplessly.

“Dad, I swear, it is not my fault, I try my best but you know Taylor. She says she and Belly pinky promised to be each other’s maids of honor when they were like 5 or something and she MUST honor it.”

“Oh no..” I groan, even though I was smiling. I just recalled a memory of Belly and Taylor as kids. They were always so adorable.
“Not the pinky promises…You never break a pinkie promise, it is for life.”

She laughs, her shoulders shaking. “Exactly! It is like a blood oath,” she affirms.

Steven roll his eyes. “You and Belly are so ridiculous.”

She swats his arm playfully and he ouches.
“What do you mean?” She scolds, laughing. “Belly and I take our pinkie promises very seriously besides, remember I am the Captain of Team Jellyfish.”

“That is Jeremiah and Belly, right?” I ask.

“Bullseyes!” She exclaims and Steven chuckles, rubbing little circles on her feet.

Now, I’m feeling proud of myself for knowing that.
I have a lot of young millennials and Gen Zs as students and I have heard that they “ship” me with another female professor in the college, Professor Nigel from the Department of Astrophysics. They think we would be “academic endgame,” whatever that means.
She’s also a divorcee but unlike me, she and her husband made a clean break.

They look so good together; Taylor and Steven; the way he is fussing over her, as if she’s something so fragile, she would break if he took his eyes off her for one second. It is adorable. It kind of reminds me of the way I had been with Laurel during both pregnancies.
Laurel was usually so strong and fierce and independent except when she was pregnant. As her due date approached, she got more softer around the edges, she let me baby her, she needed me more, she craved for my company and body, if I remember correctly, not that I ever complained.
She was insatiable, it was like her appetite for affection tripled. She wanted to watch all her favorite shows with me, when I wasn’t at work, we went everywhere together. If she didn’t need my help with zipping her dresses, she had me dashing out of the house for chipotle in the middle of the night to satisfy her cravings.

They were the best years of our marriage, the days that made me believe that maybe, just maybe we were not totally a mistake to her, and I was not the dorky, spineless college professor she had to spend the rest of her life with because he accidentally knocked her up.
Those were the days it felt like we were worth it the most, that maybe she loved me for me.
She was in her last trimester with Steven when she told me she loved me and for the first time, I felt like it was the whole truth.
It was at that stage in her pregnancy when her stomach was so huge, she couldn’t see her feet; when I thought she looked divine and she was convinced she looked like a human, wrecking ball.

We were going for a dinner party organized by my university. I would have preferred to stay home with her but I was representing my Faculty and she was determined to go with me, to show that being pregnant didn’t change a thing about her life.
I read in one of those parenting books that new parents should be prepared for delivery in the last few months of a pregnancy so I had started taking her fully packed maternity bag with us every time we went out together.
She teased me about being paranoid but I think she liked it. I think she liked how much I wanted to take care of her, how much I wanted to have a family with her.
I just finished loading the bag in the car and back to the house to get her, when I found her in tears on the bed.
I panicked. Laurel rarely cried.

“Hey Laurel, are you okay? Do you hurt anywhere? I can call the provost now and tell him there is an emergency. The bag is in the car, we are ready to go…”

As I spoke, I was loosening my tie, it was suddenly too tight. She looked at me and then she cried harder, shaking her head which made me panic more because she was not saying anything to me.

I dropped to my knees in front of her, my heart pounding in my chest.
“How bad does it hurt? Should I call 911? Do we need a stretcher?” I was beside myself with worry.

Finally, she raised her head and in her hands were her pretty sandals.
“I…I can’t wear them,” she sniffed.
I stared at her, unsure which I should do; laugh in disbelief or cry in relief.

“Can I do it for you?” I asked instead.
She nodded.

I took the sandals from her and settled down on the floor to pull them on her feet without having to raise her legs and cause her any discomfort.

“All done,” I announced triumphantly and then I looked up and she was looking right at me.
Looking at me in a way she had never truly looked at me before; like she could see me.
My heart started pounding so fast, I tried to distract myself by redoing my tie again.

“We still have some time before they start but we have to hurry,” I said to her.
She offered me her hands and I helped her up.
Next thing, she looped them around my neck and she kissed me.
Like she had never kissed me before; not like when we were making out to lead to sex, not those chaste kisses we did in front of the kids later on
She kissed me like, like…like I was someone she liked, craved, loved; the way you kiss someone because you just want to be close to them, just to feel them in a way that is just about them, not just because you find them physically attractive. It was the kind of kiss that made you feel like your whole world just tilted.
And of course I kissed her back and we kissed for a while, then she rested her forehead on mine, her eyes closed and said.

“If I never met you, I am sure I would never have gotten married to anyone else.”

It was the most beautiful thing she had ever said to me, better than our wedding vows even.
“You mean if I hadn’t knocked you up?” I joked even though it wasn’t really a joke to me.

She opened her eyes and smiled at me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore.
“I believe I am perfectly capable of raising my kids on my own, that is if I even want them but you…” she stepped back to look me in the eye.
“You made me feel like maybe I could try. I can’t imagine doing any of this without you. You are so good to me.”

And then she said, “I love you so much, it almost feels wrong.”

I believed she was saying the truth because she also admitted it felt wrong to her.
In all the years of our relationship, I had always come second for her, after Susannah but that evening, for the first time, I was first.
That night, when we got back, I was the one who couldn’t get enough of her. It was like she broke down a wall I had created to protect myself.
And then Belly came and it was even more beautiful and for the first 5 years of the kid’s lives, I was sure I had everything I ever wanted.
Things started to fall apart as they grew older and she needed me around less and especially during the summer. We stuck it out for another 10 years and one morning, she woke up and she was done.
3 months later, we were officially divorced but I never stopped chasing that high from those early days.
I knew better than to have started something with her again after but sometimes, when she looked at me, I got a glimpse of that Laurel and I missed her so much.
The divorce didn’t surprise me as much, just as it didn’t surprise me that we started spinning the block again after Susannah died.

Watching her now, I wonder why she is trying to drown herself in Adam’s champagne. It is her second glass already.
Jeremiah is twirling her and she’s laughing with Belly.
She is happy and I’m happy too. Everyone is happy.
She rolls her eyes at Adam and I chuckle at his dedication to annoying her every chance he gets.
A part of me, a small one, feels a little jealous but the other part of me doesn’t feel like caring anymore. I love Laurel, I always will but I have to let her go at some point.
We already had the conversation and I think I am ready for new adventures of my own.
Maybe I should take up Adam’s offer for that singles cruise to the Caribbean that we spoke about years back, maybe I could bring Professor Nigel.
It feels weird to call her that when I know her real name is Florence. We had coffee once, at the school cafeteria, we meet up at her place or mine after work now. We are nothing yet but maybe we could be something or not.

Or maybe I should try one of those champagnes Laurel can’t get enough of though I think I am in the mood for something stronger.
Or I could just go tease Adam about how I will wipe the floor with him at the boardwalk tomorrow.

I finish my scotch and drop the glass on a waiter’s plate. I leave Steven and Taylor or “Staylor” to and go greet the couple.

“Congratulations Jeremiah Fisher. You are officially now a Conklin.” I hailed my new son in-law with a hug.
If it were anyone else, I would have gone for a handshake but with Jeremiah, it was a just going to be a hug.
“So you know the drill, right?” I said seriously, pulling him closer. He nodded, looking hilariously serious himself.
I leaned over and spoke lowly into his ears.
“You are not allowed to make my daughter cry. One tear from her eye and I will feed you to the fishes,” I say in my best Don Corleone voice.
Belly, who was still chatting with her friends caught that part and rolled her eyes at me, grabbing her husband by the arm protectively.

“Oh dad, quit threatening my husband now. We all know you cannot hurt a damn fly.”

“Huh!” scoffs Jeremiah.
“You speak for yourself, Bells, I don’t know about all of that. Maybe he cannot hurt a fly but I’d rather not find out if he can’t hurt me.”

I laugh as Belly pulls me in and kiss both of my cheeks. She’s so French and adorable, my sweet girl.

“I’m so happy, dad,” she whispers for my ears only, her voice cracking on several notes of joy.
“Today is the best day of my life. It is everything I imagined it would be.”

“I know Jelly Bean,” I say to her, kissing the top of her head. “I can see it.”
I look into her big, brown eyes and I know she’s exactly where she was always meant to be and it just makes me really happy.

“I still can’t believe my little girl is married,” I tell her, hiding my face in her hair. “You look like a princess.”
Her daisy embroidered veil makes her look like something out of a fairytale. She sniffs and hugs me harder.

Jeremiah let us have this moment, focusing on greeting the guests.

“For what it is worth, I always rooted for the both of you,” I finally her.
“I know,” she tells me. “Adam told me.”
Then she takes my hand and we do our father-daughter dance to You are the Reason by Callum Scott.

The reception is shorter than I would have liked. I would have loved to dance longer with her.
Steven’s speech is funny, talking about how the two have never been able to stay away from each other since they were kids; how they had always been stuck on each other like Velcro.
I don’t know if Laurel is listening because she seems more invested in the champagne and I can’t find Adam.
The couple’s first dance is a choreographic mess but it’s so them; Belly and Jeremiah just having fun together like they always do.
It is their wedding after all.
Guests are referred to the link on the QR code on the back of the flier.

I see Adam talking to someone, probably a friend of his and so I go grab a plate and try to soak up the alcohol in my system and keep an eye on him.

His heart attack and surgery had scared the whole of us and even if he uses humor to deal with it, being an insufferable survivor, I knew it scared and changed him.
Until a few years ago, we were merely acquaintances, just two men who knew each other because our wives were friends. I can’t remember a time when the both of us ever sat down and talked.
It made me so uncomfortable how he always sponsored every summer in Cousins and it was one of the reasons I was relieved when Susannah decided we—he and I— were no longer invited during the summer except the Fourth of July.
Adam and I did not share common interests or so I thought but now, he has become one of my closest friends in recent years.
Because of him, I have started taking my health more seriously, regular medical checkups, making lifestyle changes, exercising more and eating healthier. Except for ceremonial situations like today, I was staying away from alcohol myself.
A couple of people come to congratulate me and when I start running out of social juice I took a seat and just watched everyone from the sideline to recoup.

The thing about being the guy on the sidelines, is that you see everything. Very little is usually asked of you, so you are free to notice everything.; to know everything and you say nothing.
For example, I knew Susannah was the third person in my marriage with Laurel but Laurel wasn’t in Susannah and Adam’s marriage. It was someone else, someone they never talked about.
Whatever soulmates were made from, Susannah’s was fractured into uneven halves while she was completely Laurel’s soulmate.
I didn’t really mind. I accepted it because I loved Susannah too.

I knew that the way I knew Belly and Jeremiah were good to each other even though Laurel refused to see it.
When they were younger and would lose themselves playing with sand crabs at the beach before Susannah kicked Adam and I out of the summer house, the rare romantic in me always imagined that they would grow up together and be childhood sweethearts. I imagined them being like migrational birds, like the homing pigeons, who always found their way back home, no matter what.

I gather that Jeremiah’s brother, Conrad is upset about the wedding, that’s why he decided to completely miss it.
I just think he is an asshole, per usual.
It’s been 6 years since he ruined the first wedding, declaring his love to Belly two night before the wedding and I still have a bone to pick with him. It was such an asshole move to pull on a girl getting married in less than 36 hours, when he had years to do it.
In a way, I am glad he didn’t come. I wouldn’t have been able to stand his perpetually sad face on such a happy day. I never was able to warm up to him after he and Belly got back together in Paris. Laurel begged me to make an effort with him but I just couldn’t. One look at him and all I could think of, what a self absorbed jerk he was plus Belly was never truly happy with him, at least not in the way she was with Jeremiah.
It is a relief to not have his feelings dictate things anymore.

Belly is still chatting with guests and I can see Jeremiah sitting with Laurel. Any moment, guests will soon start leaving. It has been a beautiful wedding.
I am bored. I need to find Adam, who knows what mischief he is up to now.

When I finally find him, he is standing with a man in a suit I’m sure was made by the best hands in Europe and he looks tense like they are in a face off, their gestures stiff.
My conflict averse senses tingle and I am heading towards them before I have decided in my head to.

“Hey man! Been looking everywhere for you. Don’t want you sneaking away and stuff, you never know when you might have another heart attack,” I joke as I approach them.
Adam doesn’t turn but the man chuckles.

“Americans,” he says, “So morbidly funny.” There is something both foreign and familiar about him and when I turn to face him, I freeze.
It feels like I am looking at a picture of an older, European Jeremiah with brown eyes and silver curly hair. It is like, if this man and Susannah had a baby; Susannah’s blue eyes and blond hair and his tight curls and tanned skin.
I look from him to Adam, trying to put my thoughts in words and the best I can come up with is,

”He looks like….”

The man’s eyes twinkle, a familiar smile on his lips.
“…Jeremiah?” He finishes for me.

I nod, feeling a constriction in my throat and my chest thumping in apprehension.

”Funny thing,” he says, his tone light and friendly.
“Adam here was telling me the same thing,” then he smiles again and stretches his hands for a handshake and suddenly, it hits me.
I know him!
I know this man and I gasp as it dawns on me why he looks so much like Jeremiah. My stomach clenches so hard, I feel like I’m going to be sick.

“Andrea?” I say the name hesitantly, as if I am afraid that if I am too sure, everything will become more real that it already is.
“Andrea Giovanni?”

The man’s face break into an even bigger smile as he grips my hand in a firm handshake, nodding his head.

Despite the dread I am feeling, I can’t help feeling a little glad to see him. How long has it been since the last time we saw? Almost 3 decades.
I ask how he has been and he responds likewise and we do a little catch up.

And then, we both look at Adam and Andrea smiles again and this time, it doesn’t feel friendly.
There is an awful feeling sitting in the pit of my stomach and Adam, he looks miserable.
There is a sheen of sweat on his forehead.
I’m afraid he is going to have another heart attack. They are both staring at each other, maybe in a bit of intimidation tactic.

I look over and Laurel is looking at us and she is in tears and Jeremiah looks confused.
I grab the arms of both men and hustle us all out of the tent into the garden, away from everyone.

Adam up pulls his arms from my grip

“Have you no shame Andrea? After everything you did to my family, you are here to gloat and on his wedding day?”
He hurls at Andrea, his eyes barely hiding his anger.
The air is thick with tension but the other man shrugs, unbothered.
“If I remember correctly, all I did was keep your little family safe because you begged me to.”
I can feel the rage bouncing off of Adam as he steps close to him and pokes him on the chest with his pointing finger.
“No you coward. You didn’t protect my family, I did. All you did was destroy everything I built.”

Andrea blinked in confusion and then his eyes flashed in anger.
“You bastard!” He flung at Adam. “I gave up the woman I loved because of you and it still wasn’t enough for you? I let you raise my son and stayed away from him because of you! I even missed her funeral because of you!”

I was looking from one man to the other, feeling like a student that arrived at the end of an important class and missed all the details.
“No, you don’t get to claim anyone or anything!” Adam barks at him. “You don’t get to call my son, your son.”

“He is my son, everyone can see it.”

“No, he’s not. I raised him, I was there when he was born. I don’t care that his hair is curly. He is my son!”

Andrea looks at him with something akin to pity. “She didn’t tell you, did she?”

“Tell me what?!”

“What happened that night in Boston.”

I look at Adam and I know he knew, that he always knew. He backs away from us, slightly stumbling on his feet. He is terrified and I can see he is actually panicking.
It had taken so many years to get his family to this point where they were semi normal and this was going to burn everything to the ground.
There would be nothing left after this, it would kill him. I feel my heart break for him.

“Gentlemen,” I said calmly, trying to be the voice of reason. “I need you to calm down. We don’t have to do this now. We can-“

“I asked you to stay the fuck away from my family and here you fucking are!” Adam exploded behind me, cutting me off, charging at Andrea. I threw myself between them. The Italian looked ready to throw down himself.

“You are such a fucking psycho,” he threw to Adam. “No wonder Susannah divorced you. You had a wonderful woman and you had to go cheat on her with your secretary!”

That seemed to incense Adam even more. “You are the one to talk? You? You got a married woman pregnant while she was still nursing her last baby!”

I gasped in shock.
No way!
Oh my God! This was terrible. There was so much bad blood between them. Did Laurel know? Did anyone else know?
This was too much, this was not the best day for this.
“Like, who the fuck even invited this clown?” Adam asked me, pointing at Andrea, looking around with exasperation.

“I did,” we heard someone say behind us. All of us turned around at the same time. The blood drained from both Adam and Andrea’s face at once. I felt faint immediately.
It was Jeremiah, he was staring at us in shock, his blue eyes wide and tortured.

He was looking at Andrea. “You are my father?”
Andrea looked like he was going to cry.
“I never meant for you to find out like this.”

Adam made a strangled sound like a whimper, his face the picture of anguish.

“No Jere, don’t look at him, look at me. I am your dad, I have always being your father. It’s me, you are my son,” he begged desperately, his eyes wild with panic. This was a man fighting for everything he ever owned.
I felt the first tear slide down my face.
He grabbed Jeremiah’s face with both of his hands, begging him to look at him.

When Jeremiah did, his eyes were red and turbulent like a storm breaking over the ocean. He turned in slow motion like it was taking everything in him to do it.
He looked broken.

“Mom always wanted Belly to end up with one of her sons, to be a Fisher. Was this why she always wanted Conrad for Belly and never me? Because I was not a Fisher?”

Adam started sobbing.
“Please, don’t say that Jere, you are a Fisher through and through. You are my son.”

“Am I? All these years you treated Conrad better, it was because you knew?”

Adam was shaking his head.
“Jere please, let’s talk about this. I swear, I will explain everything,” but even as he spoke, I could feel the response from Jeremiah. He was shaking his head and backing away from him. Adam’s arm fell limp to his side.
Andrea looked forlorn, like he regretted coming.

Just then, Belly came into the room dragging a young man in tow, one of her friends from Paris, I think. She was still too excited from the wedding she didn’t immediately notice the room.

“Hey babe!” She called to Jeremiah walking towards him. “Fancy running into you here. Benito and I were just looking for his dad. He said they came together.
We all looked from Benito to Jeremiah to Andrea.

Everyone froze.
Jeremiah turned to face her and she stopped in her tracks.
Then, she took in the room and everyone in it and I knew the moment she realized something was wrong.

She hurried to her husband. “Jer, are you okay? What happened?” She looked panicked but Jeremiah was so stiff, and frozen he couldn’t say anything.

He looked at Benito and pointed at Andrea,
“Is that your dad?”
Both of them nodded.

I bent over the brush closest to me and heaved into it.
Adam looked clueless but still terrified.
Today was such a bizarre day, the worst day ever.
I felt like I was watching everything fall apart and there was nothing I could do about it.

Jeremiah nodded. He would not look at any of us in the eye, not even Belly.

He took her hands off his arm and said quietly.
“Excuse me.”
And he walked out of the room without looking back.
Belly looked so lost. She started to go after him but I held her back.

“He needs a moment.”

Adam was confused.
“What just happened?”

“Andrea is Benito’s father.”

He blinked at me, his features twisted in confusion.
“Yeah, got that. Who is Benito?”

“He is my ex from Paris,” Belly explained. “ Before Conrad,” she clarified quickly.

“Fuck!” Adam swore. He looked horrified.

“Can someone just tell me what is going on right now?!” She cried.

Neither Adam nor I could say a word. Benito looked just as lost as the rest of us.
Andrea answered for all of us.

“Hello Isabelle,” he greeted with a slight bow. “Nice to finally meet you. I heard so much about you.”

There is no easier way to have said that but I hated that he announced himself like that to her. I hated the underlying message there.
Thankfully, Belly did not catch on immediately. She looked at me.

“Andrea here, happens to be Jeremiah’s biological father,” I clarified, eyeing him. After this sad over, he and I would have some scores to settle.

There was a gasp from Belly and the next moment, she was falling to the ground. Luckily, Benito caught her.
We could not get her back into the house without attracting attention so we tried to make do with what we could.
I removed her veil and loosened the first few tying threads of her wedding dress. A few seconds later, she came to and as soon as she got her bearing, she was hyperventilating in panic.
“Someone find me Jere. I need to see Jere right now.”
Great!
My daughter was having a panic attack on her wedding day.

Adam dashed out of the garden to look for him and 5 minutes later, Laurel came in looking panicked as well, too panicked to even acknowledge us.

“John, Belly, Taylor’s water just broke. They are heading to the hospital. Jeremiah just joined them in the vehicle. We need to hurry. Taylor and Steven needs us.”

Belly and I became immediately alert. Laurel handed me her car keys, her hands were shaking.
I gave her a hug and I felt her melt under my arms. I hugged her until she was calm.
Already, Belly has taken off her shoes and had her veil and half of her dress on her arms, ready to go.

When she was calmer, she finally noticed the room and everyone in it. She looked at Belly’s disheveled look with confusion and then, she saw Andrea and she started trembling again.

Yeah, well, she was late to the party. The worst had already happened.
And maybe Jeremiah had been right about Susannah.

“Andrea,” she choked out.

His expression was closed off now, he looked madder than he had when he had been fighting with Adam earlier.

“Fuck you, Laurel.”

She recoils like he just slapped her.
I jangle the keys in front of everyone, to get their attention.
Apparently, there was so much going on and at this rate, we would stay out here all day and I couldn’t have that.

“Everybody, take five, okay? I have a grand child to welcome into the world.”

Benito drove.

Chapter Text

One minute, I was greedily eyeing dad’s scotch, dousing my thirst with water, chitchatting and teasing my wife and the next, I was freaking out in the backseat with Taylor and Lucinda on our way to the hospital and Jere is in the driver’s seat.
Taylor’s water broke and I’m panicking because oh my freaking God! The day is here, I’m going to be a dad!!

Taylor is being very strong, she’s not screaming, crying or anything, just heavy groans and painful gasps and Lucinda is surprisingly calm. I am the only one freaking the hell out, my hands are shaking, I am sweating so hard, my shirt is sticking to my back.
I have rolled up my sleeves and discarded my tie. I don’t even know where my jacket at the moment nor do I care.

I am not in the best shape to be driving right now, I’m so glad Jere is so great at staying calm under pressure; all those years managing a high end kitchen must have paid off tremendously. He was driving as fast as he could, while trying to be safe at the same time. I felt the impatience like a needle in my spine.

“Hurry up Jere, before the sign turns red,” I urge him and he goes hard on the accelerator and we just about cross the traffic light just as it turns red.
I sigh in relief.

“Where is Belly?” Taylor asks, looking around in panic. “Where is Belly? She promised she wouldn’t miss the birth of my baby.”

Her mom was dabbing her forehead as she tries to reassure her. I grab my phone to call her but I hear Jere say,

“That’s probably not the best idea right now, calling your mom will be better.”

I didn’t ask what he meant, I just called my mom straight away. She answered on the first ring and told me they were all coming, Belly, her, my dad.

Taylor signed in relief. I asked her if she wanted anything, she shook her head and said, “just stay out of the delivery room, okay?”

I pressed my lips in a tight line, willing myself not to argue right now, right here. We have gone through this so many times already, her insisting that I should not be in the delivery room with her and rejecting all the baby names I suggested, like what happened to Anakin or Finn or Cassian or Uchiha or Kakashi or Cedric?

“I will not be naming my son after a character in one of your Sci-Fis!” She had declared in one of our arguments about it.

“Okay but Harry Potter is not even a Sci-Fi and same with Legend of the Seeker or even Game of Thrones. They are magical fantasies.”

“Even worse,” she groaned.

“What of Eomir or Bolomir? It’s from Lord of the Rings, you love the movie,” I had said hopefully.

She looked at me like I suddenly sprouted horns. “Are you crazy? You’re going to name my son mir-mir or whatever?”

I threw my hands up in exasperation. She was just being difficult for no reason. These were all perfectly good names, and they were from characters I loved.
“Okay, what is your own suggestion?”

“Justin,” she said. “It is a very sweet name.”

I gasped in horror.

“That’s it, Justin? We dated for years, spent all that money for our wedding, made all those big plans for our family, ate healthy for months and swore off alcohol for this baby just for you to name him Justin?? Hell naw, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

She was laughing so hard, her shoulders shaking. Ever since we found out the baby’s sex, she’s been coming up with the most ridiculous names on the planet. One time, it was London, like how do you name your son after a city? The other time, it was Bruce which was a complete no for me. I loved Bruce Wayne the Batman but I drew the line at naming my son after him, plus it wasn’t even creative. Then she suggested we could just do Bruce Lee and I just walked out of the room and didn’t speak to her the rest of the day.
Okay, fine, maybe we didn’t have to name the kid after anyone or character, I dig him having his own identity but we could at least put some effort into it.
In the end, we settled on Kymani, an East African name that meant “Adventurous Traveller.”
Lately, Taylor had become obsessed with African literature and knowing all she could about the continent. The diverse history and culture were fascinating and that was where she first learnt of the name.
I loved it.
Later though, when we were on call with mom and Halmeoni, they both announced they had a Korean for him too, Min-Soo. It wasn’t up for debate, it was Asian culture for family members to have names for the kids. Dad said he will call him, ‘Little Mr. Conklin.”
That was fine with me too.
That was how we resolved the name debacle, I figured when we got to the delivery room bridge, we would cross it because who was going to stop me?

Taylor was panting and grunting by the time we got to the hospital. The contractions were so close togethe now, she was practically gasping with the effort to keep from screaming.

The doctors and nurses were swift as they wheeled her away and she looked at me pleadingly.
“I don’t want you there, I need to focus on the baby and not you.”

“That’s not fair, Tay. Lucinda is going in with you and I can’t?”

“It is not the same thing,” she replied, shutting her eyes in pain, her face contorted in a grimace. She looked to Jere for help.

He patted my shoulders. “Hey man, it’s okay. If she doesn’t want you there, she doesn’t.”

“But it makes no sense. She can’t just keep me away from witnessing the birth of my child. I want to be in that room when he comes into the world.”

He chuckled a little. “It is not as smooth as movies make it, trust me. I had a customer once that went into labor in my restaurant and I had to drive her to the hospital and stay with her until her husband came. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life. I think I was traumatized.”

“Yeah, because you don’t know her.” I said. “You will be saying something completely different if it was Belly.”

He winced when I mentioned Belly and the smile faded from his lips but it didn’t register until later.
I was watching them wheel Taylor away until they disappeared from sight.

I paced around a few minutes, trying to rein my anxiety in. It was crazy not knowing what was going on in there, if she was okay, if she was going to make it. I loosened the first two buttons on my shirt. Everything felt suffocating. I kept watching the door and checking the time, it was barely 10 minutes.
Jere went to sit by the corner, looking so tired and just, weary.

I tried to be calm but I could not bring myself to sit down. Then, a nurse came from the direction of the delivery room and out, and in that moment, I snapped and raced for the door. I was going in, no matter what. I sidestepped confused nurses and barged into the room.
I was first hit with the smell of antiseptics and disinfectants heavier here more than out there in the reception.
Everyone looked at me mid movement, I was about to explain to them that I wanted to be with my wife when Taylor gave one of the most blood curdling screams I’ve ever heard in my life.
My blood ran cold immediately. I saw the first sight of blood and I immediately felt dizzy, my vision blurry.
Someone escorted me out of the room and the next thing I knew was that I was sitting between Jeremiah and Belly and my mom was squatting in front of me, asking me to breathe.
The ringing in my ears wouldn’t stop and the voices came from afar.
My dad handed me a bottle of water and my hands were shaking so bad.

“Mom, how did you do it twice?” I asked and they all started laughing.

“This is why Taylor didn’t want you to be there in the first place. All of 2 seconds and you almost went into cardiac arrest,” Belly teased.

“Oh shut up!” I flung back at her, embarrassed. “You wouldn’t last a millimeter of a second in the asylum where they raised me.”

She laughed, snapping her fingers, “word… Dean of the Tortured Poets Department.”

Everyone laughed and suddenly, it felt lighter. I could breathe easier. Having your family around you really did make everything better and Taylor was right. She did need to focus on the baby not me. Some things you never know until you experience it. I was better off here with the others. I will never question a word she says ever again.

Mom does a video call with Halmeoni and she is beside herself with happiness. Today being Belly’s wedding day and the day her first great grand child will be born. She hasn’t been in the best of health lately and doctors strongly advised against her traveling hence why she didn’t make it for the wedding. She spoke to dad and Belly.
Then she asked for her grand son in-law, her golden boy and mom handed the phone to Jeremiah.

“Halmeoni, eotteohke jinaeseyo?
Gyeolhonsikeseo bogo sipeosseoyo…” he started to say and turned away from us.

Mum smiled affectionately at him. His Korean was way better than mine at this point. Halmeoni loved talking to him and he had been picking up the language so he could converse better with her.
Belly is looking at him like she can’t believe this is her life, like she wants to jump him right here, right now, like she had been looking at him all day, with so much love.

Now, that I am calmer, I notice the other people in the room. There’s the Ben 10 guy and an older man I assume is his dad. They look alike in a way and maybe the younger man looks somewhat like Jeremiah and Belly’s first boyfriend, Cam Cameron.
I smile to myself, Belly did have a type and it wasn’t even Conrad. One way or the other, Conrad was the outlier and speaking of Conrad, his text popped up on my screen.

‘Oh my God, Steven! Taylor went into labor? Is she okay? Is there anything I can do? I have some contact at the hospital, I am sure Taylor and your baby are in good hands.’

I shoot him a text thanking him for offering his help and assuring him that we really were in good hands.

Just then, Jeremiah comes back and hands the phone back to my mom and asks if I need anything. I don’t.

“Jer, are you okay? Can I get you anything?” Belly asks him, something like a tremor in her voice.

He shakes his head, “no, I’m good, thank you…”

I took a closer look at him and I think he looks depleted. Underneath his calm facade this whole time, was a bone weariness I had not noticed before. He looked, bleached of emotions.

“Umm, I need to go get some air,” he says and walks away. He didn’t look at Belly the whole time.
I got a strong of feeling of Deja vu and the familiar anxiety creeping into my chest.

My phone pinged again, it was another text from Conrad. This time, he wanted to know when Taylor went into labor, before or after the wedding.

I felt a jolt of irritation at the obvious thought behind the enquiry.

“After. It was a really beautiful wedding, sucks that you missed it. Mum and everyone are here with me. I will keep you updated if anything changes.”

He left the message on read.

It’s crazy I’m saying this but I’m glad Conrad didn’t make it for the wedding. After the shit he pulled the last time, I was stressed at the thought that he would do something like that again this time.
To be honest, I was disappointed that Belly got back with him in Paris and my silence about it had more to do with the fact that even though I didn’t support or like it, it wasn’t my decision to make, and not because I chose to be disloyal to Jeremiah.
As an adult, I trusted Belly to make her own choices and if she decided that it was Conrad over Jeremiah again, then fine.
As her brother, the best I could do was support her choices, whether they agreed with me or not. Belly will always be my sister, no matter what happens with the Fisher brothers or anyone else in the world for that matter.

But I will be lying if I say it didn’t cost me and Taylor or why; more so, his anger towards me than Taylor. I never questioned Belly and Conrad’s relationship from the start. In fact, my first fight with Taylor was about me telling her how Conrad was better for Belly rather than Jeremiah.
Everyone thought the same thing; Susannah, mom. They were all so sure they were meant to be and the invisible magnetic pull between them, the magic of infinity and whatnot. It was a done deal then, until I saw Belly and Jeremiah kissing in front of the house on the Deb morning and she said to me;

“I get to decide who I want Steven and I pick Jeremiah.”

She picked Jeremiah and maybe I made peace with it too fast but then, the next morning after a really rough night crying myself to sleep because we found out about Susannah’s cancer, and maybe also from being knocked out from the bottle of vodka I snuck into my room that night, I woke up to find Jeremiah loading all his things in his red jeep, he was going back to Boston and he wouldn’t talk to me. He loaded his last bag in his car and gave me a stiff hug.

“Sorry I have to leave like this man, I’ll call you as soon as I get to Boston.”

And that was it; no reason, no explanation. He just got into the car and zoomed off, leaving a trail of dust and unanswered questions behind.

Mom was still in bed but Susannah was up and she looked, confusingly bright and happy, considering that it was her news that had us all in stitches and ruined last night. Jere and I worked so hard on our escort dance all summer, I was lowkey upset that the night turned out the way it did, lowkey upset that Conrad didn’t tell him or me or anyone about it.
It was so fucked up that Jeremiah had to find out the way he did, on his own, while Conrad already knew for months.

I pointed outside, not understanding how Jeremiah could have left in the state that he did and she was looking out here so content.

“Good morning Susannah,” I greeted her. She smiled her sweet, warm smile at me. The one that would make anyone feel better immediately. I found myself relaxing because if she could still smile, maybe whatever made Jeremiah leave the way he did couldn’t be that bad.

“Ummm, do you have any idea why Jeremiah left? He didn’t tell me and he didn’t look happy.”

“Oh,” she said, in her easy, breezy way, the one that made you feel like nothing was too serious, that she could fix everything with a smile and a pat on the back. “Just a little rough patch, he will come around, don’t worry about him.”

There was something about the way she said it that made me feel icky, something about her saying that whatever could have made Jeremiah so upset he left a week before the end of summer was, ‘a little rough patch,” Jere who clung to Belly on the last day before we left every year, trying to milk every last minute with her, us because he didn’t want summer to end?
There is a reason Susannah and I were the least close in that house, we just saw the too differently.
Sometimes, I felt like she was living in an entirely different world from the rest of us, a world where she could bend reality to fit the palm of her hands.

I preferred mom in that regard, she was more of a realist, she would help you with your homework rather than smile at you and tell you how amazing you were. If Susannah told me I was amazing, I wouldn’t trust it. She thought everyone was amazing and great and beautiful. If mom told me, I would believe her, because mom never lied. I wasn’t saying Susannah did but sometimes, she reminded me too much of Disney princesses, Cinderella talking to the rats in the attic, Rapunzel with the impossibly long hair escaping from her witchy mother, the beautiful princess sleeping away for a 100 years while the palace froze in time, waiting for her to wake up, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Princess Sophia and her stupid magic wand. I didn’t like those movies, but Susannah and Belly ate that shit up when she was a kid. Mom never joined in. She always said those stories were ridiculous.
I thought they were stupid. Fairytales aren’t real; girls didn’t chat with rats, they screamed when they saw them and nobody ever slept for a hundred years and most importantly, time stopped for no one but maybe it stopped for Susannah.
When she burst into a song in the middle of a painting episode, when she danced with Jeremiah all around the house, when she giggled with mom, when she and Belly got lost in her garden whispering things I never heard, when she got that far away, nostalgic look on her face every time Jere and I lit up the fireworks every 4th of July, maybe time stopped for her.
It was her favorite holiday but a few times, I have seen her go sit by herself on the dork and I wondered why. Maybe she also thought she could stop her cancer if she just baked more perfect pies, and wore more colorful dresses.

I had my fair share of obsession with the fictional world; Naruto, Star Wars, Harry Potter. I even wrote Dramione fan fictions and had quite a fan base but I didn’t go around living like I was a character in Naruto or I was some Asian American version of Skywalker or Obi-wan Kenobi or Dumbledore.

Her response to Jeremiah’s sudden flight from Cousins was unsatisfying and I wanted answers but if anyone would know, it would be Belly so I asked her if she had seen her because she wasn’t in her room when I checked earlier and neither was Conrad.

She smiled her Susannah smile again, but this one lit up her face, her whole face.

“They are on the beach,” she said dreamily and in that moment, my heart sank. For the first time, her smile didn’t make me feel better, it made me want to puke.

I ran all the way to the beach and true to what she said, Belly and Conrad were coming back together. My eyes fell on the little, silver infinity necklace resting on her neck, but her face held traces of dried tears.
She looked like she had been crying. Conrad looked….happy and relieved and lighter. He looked better than he had all summer and even months before that.
It just struck me then that he looked happier than he had all summer, and Jeremiah had looked so devastated just a few minutes ago.
Belly walked by him, looking like the world just caved underneath her.

“Hey Steven, you finally woke up?” He greeted, with a smile, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Guess that bottle didn’t fuck you up as bad as I thought it would.”

His voice sounded so breezy, so easy, so light. He almost sounded like his mom.

I smiled a little and winced a little because I could see he was trying to make an effort to be the Conrad from before, the one before this summer but I was not interested in him, in that moment.

“Your mom asked me to come fetch you,” I lied, keeping my face straight.

“Oh, okay,” he said and gave Belly one last look, a slow, eye drag and little smile.

“Catch you guys, later,” he said and hurried off.
I took Belly’s hands as soon as he was out of sight and matched the both of us back to the beach.

“What the fuck have you done, Belly?!” I yelled, unable to stop the panic clawing at my chest.

She looked confused but also guilty. “What do you mean, what have I done? You just saw me come out from the beach with Conrad this morning, what could I have already done so early in the morning?”

“Exactly!” I yelled again, unable to help myself. “Why are you coming from the beach with Conrad so early in the morning?”

She blinked at me, starting to look pissed now. “What is wrong with me coming from the beach with Conrad so early in the morning?”

Was she really clueless or just being dumb on purpose?
I threw my hands up on in exasperation.

“What is wrong is that you obviously spent the last couple of hours with Conrad on the beach this morning while Jeremiah has packed all his stuff and gone back to Boston. He looked very, very upset, so Isabel Conklin, WHAT DID YOU DO?!”

The blood drained from her face as soon as I said Jeremiah was gone. She staggered and stumbled back as if the force of the news knocked her off her feet. Thankfully, she didn’t fall.

“He left?” She asked, her voice trembling.

“Yes!” My heart was pounding and I had yelled so much, my head was pounding as well.
“Belly, please tell me you didn’t do anything stupid please,” I begged even if I could see that it was a little too late already.
Her lips were trembling now.

“Oh God, what have I done?” She cried softly, tears filling her eyes.

“What did you do?” I asked again, this time calmly because no matter what she did and how mad I could be at her, I could never bear to see Belly crying, it weakened me. I guess Jere and I were alike in that way.
I was going to tell her that whatever it was, we could fix it, it would be okay, then she said;

“I told him…this morning….”she faltered and I nodded encouragingly. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be that bad.

“This morning, I was on the beach and then Conrad was there and we talked and, and…” she avoided my eyes. “And then we kissed.”

The air stilled around me for a second.
She kissed Conrad! She kissed Conrad?
I took several deep breaths. She was close to tears so I told myself I didn’t have to freak out. She kissed Conrad, that’s okay, it’s not the end of the world, right?

“Okay, and?”

“And I told Jeremiah and he sent me out of his room after saying we were no longer friends.” She blurted out in a hurry like the words were hot on her tongue.

I gaped at her in horror. “You did what?!”
Oh fuck! This was terrible, this was definitely the end of the world level of terrible.

I laughed at the bizarre turn of event.

“Belly wait, let me get this straight,” I said, feeling the vile burn of acid crawl up my throat from my stomach.
“Last night, you were dancing with Jeremiah, last night he found out Susannah’s cancer came back and that Conrad knew this whole time and this morning, you kissed Conrad and went to tell him?”
She was whimpering now.

“What the fuck were you thinking?!” I exploded. “Who told you it was a great idea in the first place? And why the fuck are you kissing Conrad? I thought you were with Jeremiah now?!”

She was full-on sobbing now but this time, I didn’t have it in me to comfort her. In the space of 12 hours, everything about our lives had been irrevocably altered, summer will no longer be the same and everyone was acting like it was okay. Conrad was smiling like he just won the lottery. Didn’t he know Belly and Jeremiah were a thing? Didn’t I mention it to him, Shayla’s theory about them hooking up?
Why did he think this was the best time to come for Belly and did he even talk to Jeremiah?
And why was Susannah acting like it was insignificant, that Jeremiah just upped and left the morning Belly and Conrad were frolicking at the beach? Why wasn’t she more concerned?

“I tried to fix it,” I heard Belly saying. “I was just telling Conrad we should hit pause for now until Jeremiah was okay with us.”

“You’re already a ‘we’?”

She literally withered in front of me as if the question depleted her life force.
“Am I a terrible person, Steven?” She whimpered, sobbing harder. “Have I ruined everything?”

I faltered for a second. “You are not a terrible person Belly, but whatever you have ruined, I need you to fix it!”

I turned and ran back all the way to the house, trying not to burst into tears until I got to my room.
My chest felt tight, like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t have a lot of friends back home; actually, I didn’t have any friends back at home. I was too much of a smart ass in our small hometown back in Philly and very few people got my preferences for sci-fis and Harry Potter. Last Halloween, I had dressed as Voldemort and everyone said I just looked weird for most of the night.
Only Jere and Conrad thought my outfit was sick and cool when I sent them the pictures from that night. Jere had dresses as a droid and Conrad, as Dracula. I had more fun video chatting with them than the entire experience that night. I was 11.

Oftentimes, I wished they lived closer, that our families didn’t only see in summers. They were my best friends and my family.
What Belly did, was not going to affect only her but me as well.
I wasn’t especially close to Susannah and sometimes, it was easy to feel invisible and forgotten like the one in the middle.
Belly and Jeremiah were stuck at the waist the moment we got to Cousins, everyone adored Conrad, mom called her his special boy and Belly had her silly obsession with him since she was 10, so there was really no one for me.
I took my crumbs from both brothers which to be honest, was more than enough, I wasn’t clingy or anything. Jere and I were obviously closer because he is Jere, the easiest and best person to be friends with, and Conrad was the cool, older brother who bestowed his attention on us when it suited him.

But now, given how that morning went, I was going to lose everything and everyone and in the end, I was right.

Belly fixed nothing.
Jeremiah got to Boston but he never called. Conrad and Belly were awkward around each other, the guilt heavy between them, more on Belly than him, Susannah walked around the house with a light spirit, oblivious to the tension in the air and mom just ignored it all, pretending like she didn’t see it.

I was relieved when the week was over and we went back home but nothing remained the same.
Susannah’s cancer got worse, the treatment didn’t help and mom was focusing on that. She said Jeremiah was the one taking care of him.

I wanted to call him, to just tell him he didn’t have to do it alone but for the last couple of weeks since he left, he hasn’t responded to my texts and calls. I still sent him reels and funny videos but he rarely opened them. I knew he was hurting, his mom was dying, Belly hurt him but I wished he didn’t take it out on me too.

It was hard talking to Conrad as well too, given the way that summer ended.
Once, I walked in on him and Belly on the phone one night and he said hi and it just didn’t feel like the way it used to. What he did, what they were doing was not okay.
They were not just Belly and Conrad, they were Belly, Conrad, Jeremiah and Steven. We were a package, inseparable. The fact that they chose to get together at this time when we were all supposed to be there for each other, the fact that they were so absorbed in each other that they couldn’t see how it was hurting the rest of us, it just felt, selfish.

As if it wasn’t bad enough, Shayla broke up with me few days before Christmas. Her family was traveling Europe and she didn’t think we could make it long distance. That Christmas night, I saw Belly sneak out of the car and drive away with Conrad, to Cousins, I was sure. She snuck back in before daylight. I didn’t tell her I knew anything, I was just tired.
I resented him and I resented Belly and Conrad’s happiness, so I just threw myself into my Princeton and scholarship applications and distracted myself with bickering with Taylor every chance I got.

For the next couple of months, I saw more of Conrad. I never asked about Jeremiah but he brought him up nonetheless, while we played video games.

“Jere was crowned prom King, you know?” He said to me one time he can’t straight from Browns.

I tell him I didn’t and could he just focus on the game? When you played the game, you focused on the game and if you had to talk, you talked about the game.
Plus I hated the way he spoke about it, about everything, like Jeremiah was throwing silly tantrums over nothing but I knew it was not nothing.

They first time I saw him and Belly kiss, and I went to confront him, he looked anxious, like he needed me to accept him for Belly, like he cared for my approval.

“Come on Steven, it is Belly,” he had said, like it was a matter of fact, as if it was a given that because it was Belly, it couldn’t be anything but serious to him.
Dude had probably kissed half of Cousins and didn’t care what anyone thought of him but he cared what I thought and he was asking I was going to beat him up for being with Belly, as if this was the 19th century and I would challenge him to a duel, as if I could even stand a chance.
That boy was good at everything, from flirting to cooking, he would best me up with both hands tied and blindfolded.
The next time he came around, Conrad mentioned that Jeremiah was so busy taking care of Susannah he hadn’t had enough time for anyone else.

While I appreciated the updates, I wasn’t entirely convinced and I was surprised Belly even bought it at all. Jeremiah didn’t turn away from people when things got hard for him, that was Conrad. Jeremiah wasn’t the type to hide his feelings or be afraid to ask for help but then, maybe I never really knew him. He had cut me off for no reason and here was Conrad finding every opportunity to come around and play video games with me, even if he was actually here for Belly.

Things were getting back to normal until the night of Belly’s prom. The moment he stepped into the house the day before, I knew something was wrong. Susannah’s health had taken a turn for the worst. He was barely there the entire night, I even had to push him to take Belly to the dance floor.
Before the night was over, he and Belly had broken up and he was driving back to Boston in the rain.

Susannah died a few weeks later and at her funeral was the first time I saw Jere in person. He looked like a ghost of himself, I took him a plate when Belly asked and we just sat in silence as he ate. I knew it wasn’t me he wanted then but I was all he got because downstairs, Belly and Conrad had another fight in front of everyone and mom said she was trying to make the day about her.

A few months later, we saved the house and I admitted to myself that what I felt for Taylor was stronger than I anticipated and I was scared that she was too cool to like me back especially since I was such an asshole the first time.

It was great coming back to the summer house that year, coming back together with everyone again. It almost felt normal and though I had grown closer to Conrad in the months Jere and I weren’t talking, it was good to see him and talk to him again. It was almost like old times.
The months after Susannah’s death had been horrible for all of us; Jeremiah practically disappeared into himself, Conrad shut down completely, Belly was in shambles, mom was barely getting by. I think everyone was depressed so it was a welcome change when my graduation day came and I was class Valedictorian. I even got a box of gifts and a sweet note from Susannah. I was surprised and touched by her thoughtfulness. It meant so much that she thought that far ahead of me and made plans.

I also had some good news to share. I got into Princeton on partial scholarship and with Susannah’s check and MacBook in my box, I was set to rule in College. It was such a good day and my valedictory speech was blowing up on TikTok, all I just wanted to do was call Jeremiah and Conrad to tell them. It was bad enough that they both didn’t come, it was even worse that I couldn’t call them either and for no fault of mine.

Later that night during my graduation party, I couldn’t help giving Belly a piece of my mind. The resentment had been building for months now, it just exploded that night.

“You already had Conrad, but it wasn’t enough for you,” I screamed at her, beyond pissed. “You had to have Jeremiah too.”

“I was out of my mind in love, Steven, what was I supposed to do?” She had yelled in defense.

What was she supposed to do?
Maybe use her brains for once! That was what she was supposed to do.
What was she thinking even messing around with both brothers in the first place?
All of this was her fault, everything.
How could she string Jere along only to go back to Conrad?
What was she thinking would happen?
That they would go back to the way things used to be, be best friends again?
Did she even think of anyone but herself?
Everyone knew and accepted her obsession with Conrad, why on earth did she mess with Jere at all?

So, I was immediately up in arms when I found out that she was moving to Jeremiah again, that summer. I felt sick to my stomach even as I pursued Taylor and had that stupid fight with Milo.

Everyone was just recovering, we were barely out of the woods and she was making heart eyes at Jeremiah again. It was infuriating.
Why couldn’t she just let things be?
Why did she always have to do this?
She and Conrad were meant to be, inevitable, true love, or whatever mom and Susannah decided it was, why did she keep dragging Jeremiah into this mess over and over and by extension, me?

On our first date, Taylor and I fought about it. I told her Conrad was better for Belly because he challenged her. I didn’t even know where that came from, I was just saying anything. I was rooting for Conrad, I just wanted them to get back together so that everyone could live a good, normal life again. I was hoping against all odds that Jeremiah didn’t fall for her again but that day when Jeremiah drove her back for Volleyball camp, it just felt like history was repeating itself again.
I had meant to stay to watch Taylor because I was already in the school with her but I wanted to speak to Jeremiah privately, I wanted to ask if he was sure he knew what he was doing so I decided to just be the jerk and I would prefer to play video games rather than stay and invited Jere but he was just too happy that day, he chose to watch Belly play over video games with me.

For the next 4 years, I was surprised by them, they stayed together and Belly was happy for most, if not all of it. Conrad stayed away this time but it first hurt as much as when it was Jere that stayed away. Both of us got closer, he had a key to my apartment as my emergency contact and he loved spending time with my family. My Halmeoni practically adopted him the first time she met him. She gave him our Korean recipe and was very happy when he sent her videos and pictures of the food he made.

Yeah, the wedding caught us all by surprise but it was really okay when all tempers were down. I mean, they’d dated for 4 years, them getting married was the next, logical step. Plus, I got to be best man and get myself distracted by all the stuff going on between Taylor and I and my accident and all.

And then, the day of the wedding, Jeremiah is nowhere to be found and Belly admits to me that Conrad told her he loved her just two nights ago once again, she told Jeremiah.
It just felt like she would never learn.

I went looking for Jere and found Conrad instead and I swear, I’ve never been more disgusted and disappointed by a human being. He got a piece of my mind.

So many things happened that day, mom got Susannah’s letters to the boys mixed up, Jere called off the wedding and Belly ran away to Paris and Conrad, to California leaving Jere, Taylor and I to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess.
Jeremiah was a wreck in those days and no matter what they say he did, I didn’t care. I was not even in any position to judge the man, given my own history and when I heard the whole story, I was just weakened by the blatant disregard for him. It was like the Morning Post-Deb ball disaster all over again.

Jere dropped out of school, Adam cut him off and he moved from couch surfing with Taylor and I, to being roommates with Denise. They tried to start something but it fizzled out when she moved with us to California.
We were good and fine until the day after his chef debut and Belly and Conrad got back together in Paris and nobody batted an eyelid, not even mom after all her opposition to their wedding. It was almost as if she was happy, relieved maybe.

Once again, I was holding my breath. Jeremiah fell out with Adam and moved to New York and for the next four years, we were hardly in touch.
Then he showed up on my wedding day and I just had to make him my co-best man along with Conrad while Belly was Taylor’s maid of honor.

He and Adam saved my sorry ass that day, or I would have gotten married without a tie.

Today, I was his best man and Taylor was Belly’s maid of honor and somehow, it just felt like the rightest thing in the world.
I have long learnt to let things be, to not try to save anyone or tell anyone how to live their lives but if I am being honest, I am glad Belly ended up with Jeremiah and not Conrad.
I held my breath all day till the moment they both said, “I do,” and were presented to us as husband and wife.
More than just being happy for the both of them, I was relieved, relieved that they found their way back to each other.
Everything was askew for as long as they were apart from each other and my apologies to Susannah, but she and mom had no right dictating who anyone should end up with, considering their own marriages plus, if Conrad had been so good and perfect for Belly, there would never have been any need for Jeremiah in the picture.

It was as if Conrad was who they told her she had to be with, and Jeremiah was the person she really wanted so all of her life had been this war between their will and her heart.
Glad she won in the end. We are all happier for it, at least most of us.

Personally, I am over the moon because I can officially ask him to be Kymani’s godfather. I haven’t told him yet, but he will soon find out.

I hear some voices down the hall and it is mom and Ben 10’s dad in an argument and dad looking stressed.

“Belly, why did you invite your ex’s dad to your wedding.” I joked. I didn’t know for sure that he was his dad, I was just teasing her.

She shook her head slowly, sadly, tiredly. “I didn’t. Jeremiah did.”

I blinked at her several times. “How does Jeremiah know your ex’s dad?”

Tears fill her eyes and the very familiar feeling of worlds splintering into pieces creeped down my spine.

“At least, both of you made are already married,” I said, choosing to focus on the positives first. At least, I could see Jeremiah sitting by himself on a bench outside staring into nothing. At least, I didn’t have to hunt him down to marry my sister this time.

“What happened?” I finally asked.

Chapter Text

“What happened?” I asked Belly, thinking to myself, ‘it can’t be that bad, they are married now. Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.’
But her eyes flicker to where mum and Ben 10’s dad are now having a terse exchange and to Jeremiah seated outside by himself, just looking wantonly miserable.

Wantonly miserable, that’s the best way I can describe him; the misery seems to be sticking to him like a shell with his origin from deep within his core; it feels like it is the only thing keeping him from breaking apart right here, right now, that misery. He is compartmentalizing his feelings, taking them in sips.

The day Taylor and I got married was the fucking, happiest day of my life but Jeremiah just said, “I do,” a couple of hours ago to the only woman he’s ever truly loved and he was sitting out alone in the hospital courtyard looking like his world just fell apart and Belly, looking tremulous, taking shallow, fast breaths that made her whole body shudder minutely, in silent panic.

I am freaking out again.

“Wait, wait!” I blurt out before she answers me.

“Before you say anything to me, I need you to tell me this is not about Conrad this time? Did Conrad do anything and did you tell him?”

She looked offended but embarrassed too. “Of course not! I told you I am done going back and forth. I am sure about what I want now.”

“Okay, but I just want to make sure. If Conrad came back now and said he was sorry about lying to you about Jeremiah and he was a better man now, would you still go back to him?”

At this point, she was outraged. “Steven!” She warned, “today is my wedding day to a boy I chased for the better part of a year and half, the love of my life. Today, my best friend and my brother are bringing their first baby into the world, and you are asking me about Conrad?”

I held up my hands for peace. “I’m sorry Belly, but I had to ask. You’ve been very consistent with going back and forth with Jeremiah in the past, not even an almost wedding could stop you. As your brother, I just want to be sure you are certain right now and this is what you truly want. I can’t take it if three years down the road, you decide to change your mind again and realize it was Conrad.”

She looked so wounded, her eyes a picture of regret. “You really think I would do that to Jere?”

I scoffed, and maybe on one hand, I was freaking out about Taylor and the baby and on the other, I freaking out about her and Jeremiah but for the first time, I couldn’t bite my tongue and mind my business like I usually did.

“Belly, are you serious? You dumped him less than 24 hours after telling me you chose him that summer, because Conrad told you he liked you and that the reason he had been an asshole was because he knew about Susannah’s cancer!”

“Steven, I was 16-“ she tried to defend herself but I was not done.

“Sure, you were but so was Jere!” This time, she flinched. “Then the next summer, you were chasing him like your life depended on it after you literally just broke up with Conrad a few months ago-“

“That’s not fair, Steven.” She said, shaking her head, tears brimming in her eyes. “I really wanted to be with him.”

I loved Belly, I really did, she was my sister but sometimes, I think she was equal parts Laurel and Susannah. She could be delusional to a fault but worse, she had a way of not seeing her own patterns, choosing to stubbornly ignore whatever hurt too much to think about. She’s been in therapy for years now and way better but I think she’s still not ready to face the full weight of her actions in the past, choosing to think she could just forge a new future; maybe she was afraid, afraid to admit to herself who she truly was, afraid to admit that she hadn’t still forgiven the person she saw every time she looked in the mirror.

“You know I was rooting for Conrad that summer?” I said to her. Tears ran down her face but luckily, the mascara remained intact.

“I rooting for Conrad, not really because I thought he was the best person for you, like come on, I saw what a wreck you were at prom and after but because it felt like the two of you were never going to truly give each other up and I just wanted you to leave Jeremiah alone. You already hurt him so much.”

She opened her mouth to say something but no words came out and she closed it.

“But you chased him so hard and the idiot fell for you again and I’m not going to lie, I was upset, I was scared, for him, for the both of you. But you guys dated for 4 years and then Conrad came back and what did you do?”

“I am not a monster, Steven,” she said, her voice breaking quietly. “Jere called off the wedding, I didn’t. I never stopped wanting to be with him. I was going to marry him.”

“After you were lying to him for months about Conrad, would you blame him for not wanting to go ahead with the wedding? I love you Belly, but if I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t either.”
At this point, she looked stricken.

“I didn’t do anything with Conrad,” she said woefully, without real conviction. Even I knew she didn’t mean for me to believe her because something did happen with Conrad. She fell for him again. Taylor told me about that night at the bathroom where she was freaking out after eating edibles about how she only ever imagined getting married to Conrad, two freaking days to her wedding to Jeremiah.
How could she have even imagined going through with the wedding with that kind of admission?

“Yeah, maybe but less than a year later, you got back with Conrad, so what does it matter if nothing happened between the both of you before the wedding or at Christmas? Something did, eventually and that’s the worst part. Every time Conrad comes around, you forget about everyone and everything else and Jeremiah is always the collateral damage and I always get to pick the pieces of the mess you leave behind.”

My voice is shaking now too, because I remember how it had been those first few months after she jetted off to Paris, when Taylor and I practically adopted him like a lost puppy. It was horrible watching him be like that but it was worse knowing that my sister and other best friend were responsible and I couldn’t even hate them on his behalf.
I never want to go back there again, I never want to see a repeat of that summer.

“I’m so sorry Steven,” she choked out. “I didn’t know what I was doing, I wanted to do right by everyone but I just kept fucking up but I swear it to you, I am not a monster…”

I swallowed painfully as I nodded my head.

“I know you’re not, but I know the pull Conrad has on you so I ask you again, are you sure it is Jeremiah again this time? Is it really over with Conrad?”

We were sitting side by side on the seat against the wall, our heads resting against it. The silent buzz of medical personnel scurrying around, saving lives, the slight ruffle of papers from the front desk, the silent beep of machines from numerous doors in the distance, the suffocating but reassuring smell of the hospital.
My thoughts and hearts were with Taylor in that delivery room. My anxiety sat like an old friend beside me. I was afraid, and I was doing my best to think good thoughts. Maybe that’s why I was talking to Belly now who right now, has her eyes shut right and lips trembling. I needed a distraction.

Jere is still sitting in that same spot he has been for the last couple of minutes. I want to go to him but I have a feeling he just wants to be alone right now besides, I still don’t know what is going on.

It is past 6 in the evening, the wedding feels like a distant memory, something that happened a long time ago, to different people and not to the couple in suit and a wedding dress still. I wonder what Taylor would say if she were here, how she would have already found a way to make it all lighter, force them to talk. She always knew and understood Belly and Jeremiah’s bond better than I ever could. I thought it was beautiful but sometimes, I just wish they were never a thing; that Belly’s life hadn’t revolved around the two brothers, that she had moved beyond Conrad and Jeremiah and really stuck with other people but I guess the pull of the Fisher brothers on her was too strong.
Lowkey, I am not completely mad at her. I just feel like I am only lucky because there was no Fisher sister because then, who knows what my own fate would have been?

Belly and I never had this kind of conversations before, I feel like I just had to have my say and then call it a day because once again, once again, there was Jere sitting alone by himself with the same bleak, look of anguish on his face as the day the wedding was called off, same look on his face the morning he fled to Boston that summer Belly first kissed Conrad and every single time, it had something to do with her.
I don’t know, but the man can only break so many times until there is nothing left to break anymore.

“Maybe I’m wrong,” I heard Belly say, breaking into my thoughts. “Maybe I am a monster.”
She turned and faced me, sad eyes searching mine. I had no words to say.

“I was really selfish and for years, all I ever wanted was Conrad and I didn’t care who I hurt or even noticed that anyone was hurting as long as I got to be with him. For a long time, I avoided thinking about it. It took a long time before I could tell my therapist about any of this…”
She trailed off as if it was too heavy for words, what she wanted to admit.

“Why?” I asked softly.

“Because I was so ashamed of myself, Steven,” she admitted, fresh tears brimming in her eyes. She had been such a beautiful bride today but at this rate, I wondered how long her makeup was going to hold under all her tears.
If you thought I was useless with BellyJere as Jeremiah’s frat friend, Redbird called them, then you’ve not seen the height of it because I was even more useless with makeup and fixing a crying face.

“I hated myself for so long and it just felt like I had been living someone else’s dream for all of my life. Mom’s, Susannah’s, our family. It wasn’t until Jeremiah told he liked me that summer, that it occurred to me that a different path could exist for me, that I could want anything different, anything better for myself, in my own life…” she continued.

I felt a painful knot in my stomach as I listened to her. I didn’t realize that was what it had been like for Belly. For as long as I could remember. Susannah always said she was destined for one of her boys. Then, it had been sweet and maybe I bought into that dream too, and even participated in it; the way she was always sneakily pushing a very specific line of being and thought.
Now in retrospect, it felt sinister and dark, thinking of how it must have been like for Belly, to live with that kind of foreshadowing. Belly adored Susannah, she always had an easier relationship with her than mom, she would have done anything for her and all Susannah ever wanted was for Belly to end up with one of her sons, most preferably, Conrad but even then, it had struck me as weird, that she would prefer Conrad for Belly when it was Belly and Jeremiah who were practically inseparable.

When we were younger, the playing field had been even; it had been either Jeremiah or Conrad but when Belly turned 10 and had that crush on Conrad, the scales tipped and her fate was sealed in blood.
My first crush was on our baby sitter, Robin McKenna. I was 8, she was 14. I shudder to imagine my mom deciding that, that was who I had to end up with, for the rest of my life because I dared to have a crush on her and boy, had it been strong and real.
Mom and dad thought she was so great at babysitting but it was just me trying to impress her; having my bath before she she was to come, combing my hair sleek, eating everything she cooked, memorizing my times table, being so good and polite.
She didn’t stay long. Her family moved neighborhoods and I was untamable for the rest of the year till I didn’t need baby sitters anymore. I’m still untamable, I’m just behaving myself because I have a girl I like to impress now; Taylor Madison Jewel.

I squeezed Belly’s hand because a lot of things made sense now.

“Yeah,” I said softly. “We all kind of accepted your crush on Conrad but your first ever real choice was Jeremiah.”

“But it wasn’t enough, was it?” She asked ruefully. “All my life, I was told this was who I was supposed to be and this was how my life was supposed to go and now my heart wanted Jere. I was confused; I was unsure. How could I want Jeremiah so bad when it was always supposed to be Conrad? Everyone saw it, our moms, you, even Jeremiah. It was always going to be Conrad no matter who I liked or how much. it was always just going to be him. It felt like I was fighting against my destiny. Anytime he stepped into a room, all I could think of was, how I was going to end up with him no matter how far I ran, like we were inevitable and destined? And isn’t there something deeply romantic about that,” she said, smiling more ruefully.

“It is dark,” I said, reminding her. “We will be nothing but robots if life and destinies worked like that. Free will and choices are what makes being human worth it.”

She looked at me guiltily and looked down at her hands on her laps. “Yeah, you’re right. It does feel dark. It felt like….”
She trailed off again…
My stomach growled, I was hungry. I haven’t had anything to eat all day. I was getting a plate when Taylor went into labor.

“It felt like what?” I prodded.

She looked over at the courtyard where Jeremiah still was.
“It felt like living in a dark, haunted house ruled by a ghost in limbo where nobody was allowed to leave, until Jeremiah showed up like a rare beam of sunlight and lit my way.”
This time, when she smiled, it felt like the first real sight of happiness on her since we got to the hospital, I felt something loosen in my chest, I felt like I could breathe easier. Whatever it was that had Jeremiah looking like that, at least two things were sure; they were DEFINITELY married right at this moment and she was REALLY in love with him.

Unaware of my thoughts, she continued. “Trapped, that is what I felt about the way I loved Conrad, like a chain dragging me down underwater, that I could never be free of. It didn’t matter how much he told me he didn’t want me, or called me a mistake or hurt me or others, I was just always going to love him and I hated myself the whole time. To love him, I had to not like myself, it is just the way it had to be. I had to be a bad friend to Jeremiah and Taylor, a liar, a person who didn’t care about anyone else, not even myself, an asshole to you; so long as I got him and made mom happy with me and maybe Susannah, even if she’s been dead for a decade now.”
She chuckled dryly.

I winced as she said that because I got it now. Like Belly, Susannah and mom weren’t monsters either; they just had a way of looking at the world. One was a dreamer, that shunned reality for the world she had made up in her head, the other was a force of nature, who reinforced and validated it even if she didn’t think that way too. Somehow, mom learnt to find a way to fit Susannah’s delusions into her reality until she could make a logical case for it.

If Susannah said, “Belly is destined to end up with one of my boys, preferably Conrad,” mom would translate it to digestible logic;
“Belly, you are too young to make a commitment of marriage right now. I want you to take many lovers to be sure.”

The unspoken fact was, either take many lovers, one of whom might be Jeremiah or end up with Conrad.

They were on the same team, mom and Susannah. They were saying the same thing except in different words.
Mom believed Susannah was magic and maybe she was, she was behind the magic of summer for us since we were kids but maybe it should have just ended there in making our childhood memorable and not in matchmaking.

The silence stretched between us now, both of us lost in our thoughts. Mom and Ben 10 Snr had turned a corner, still talking.
I could hear bits of what they were saying, it seems they knew each other before. I was curious about that but I wasn’t very interested yet. I have come to accept, like dad probably has, that mom had so many layers to her that you could never finish unwrapping.
Right now, he just returned from the vending machine with Ben 10 Jnr. I make a sad, begging face at him and he chuckles and throws me a pack of Skittles and M&M.

I mouth a heartfelt, “thank you,” at him and he smiles and turns to the Belly’s younger French ex.

I am surprised Belly is not tackling me for the snacks until I realize she is not even aware I have them. She is looking right outside with a pained and longing expression on her face. I may not understand them so much as a couple, but I knew Jeremiah and I knew Belly and right now, I knew Belly just wanted to be with him but I also knew that there was nothing Jeremiah wanted more than to be left alone in this minute. I think she knew it too.
In his current state of mind, I knew he didn’t even want to be anywhere around anyone right now but he was sticking around for Taylor and I and I was really grateful for that so I did my best to distract my sister.

I nudged her with my elbow, waving the sweets at her.

“Tada! Behold the magic of Conklin’s first Merlin. I got these out of thin air,”

That seemed to help because she rolled her eyes at me, smiling. “Oh you wish. You probably just got them from a vending machine around the corner.”

I gave the entire room a wide, dramatic sweep with both of my hands. “What corner? What vending machine? And when did I even have the time to leave this seat?”

She was laughing softly now. “Okay, someone gave it to you.”

“Who?” I challenged her.

She looked around and luckily, there was no culprit in sight because dad obviously got the snacks for us and Ben 10 and his black, leather jacket probably doesn’t like anything that is not Parisienne bon bon and croissant.
Then she turned to me and went, “I know you are no Merlin, just that I can’t prove it today but anyway, I don’t even care,” and she snatched the M&M from my hands and I gasped in shock.
That was so freaking smooth.

“Gotcha!” She said, smiling. She was smiling now and that made it feel okay, everything. I was still worried about Taylor and Jere and mom and Belly but at least, she could still smile. I smiled back at her as I tore my packet of skittles open.

She looked into it and offered me some of her own. “Give me some of yours, and I’ll give you some of mine,” she offered.

I hid my packet behind me, eyeing her dubiously. “Who said I want to share with you?”

“Steven, really? Any moment now you’re going to be a father and you are still acting like when you were 5,” she said mockingly.

“I don’t know what being a dad has to do with the immaturity of not wanting to share my snacks with you,” I countered.

Competitive as always, she held out her hands and with a stern voice.

“I need 4 of your skittles to 4 of my M&Ms now!”

“Or what?”

“Or I will fight you for everything, try me.”

Yeah, no, I will not be trying her at all.

I gave her the 4 skittles and accepted her 4 M&Ms and disaster was averted.
I was competitive but compared to Belly, I was probably just an amateur high school athlete racing against a reputable Olympian.
I finished the candy and took a large drink of my water, leaving some for her. I was still really hungry. Belly’s stomach growled besid me. She was probably hungry too. Everyone was probably hungry but no one was willing to step out of that room to go check out the cafeteria with Taylor inside. I wondered if she was hungry too.

With the wrappers thrashed, we sat back side by side. It was getting dark now. Outside, Jere had unbuttoned his shirt and he was leaning against the bench, eyes closed.
He looked exactly like he did that day after the wedding was called off, when I found him and handed him a bottle of beer he never drank.

I nudged Belly with my shoulder this time, “So, no Conrad anymore right? You’re staying for real this time,” I asked lightly.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “I was done with Conrad long before I broke up with him.”

“Heard you kicked him out of your apartment in the middle of the night. That was brutal, Miss Conklin.”

She flinched as she gave a tight smile. “Yeah, I was really a jerk that night but I had been thinking of a way to break up with him for a long time and I was just being a coward about it.”

“Why?” I asked. “Why were you being a coward about it.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” She said, looking at me with serious eyes. “I got back with him not even a year after I was almost marrying Jeremiah and I was going to break up with him? All that mess for nothing? I gave up my fiancé and wedding for a dream that turned out to not be worth the sacrifice. I felt so stupid. It all felt stupid, everything.”

I let that sink in for a moment. It did make sense. Breaking up with the guy you broke up your wedding for? Like, what a stupid waste.

“So what made you finally do it?”

“I found out he was going to propose. I saw Susannah’s ring in his box and I just snapped so I made a bullshit excuse that I no longer wanted to be with him because he lied about Jere being okay with us being together even if I knew the whole time. Like, the guy wasn’t speaking to either of us so of course he was not happy but that was the best I could come up with, given the short notice. He didn’t believe me so I kicked him out.”

I stared at her in disbelief, she really broke up with him a night before he was going to propose? I don’t know which is more humiliating for either brother but at least, it was Jeremiah that called off the wedding. Conrad did all of that, burnt all of this bridges only to be kicked to the curb with his mom’s ring in his hands?
I truly don’t blame him for not coming today. I wouldn’t.

I was in awe of my sister. “Brutal…” I breathed. “You are the most brutal Conklin I’ve ever met.”

She shrugged nonchalantly. “Whatever Steven, I don’t care. I am glad that part of my life is over, I’m even lucky I got another chance with Jeremiah at all.

“Oh no, you misunderstand me sister. I am in awe of-“

The smell of mouthwatering hamburger hit me before I saw him.
Adam hurried into the room with a basket of hamburgers in paper bags from the Club. Of course I knew where it came from because I worked there once upon a time. He was wearing only the shirt of his suit, the jacket not in sight.

“So sorry guys, I drove round the whole of Cousins for real food but I could only got this from the Club’s diner. They were already closing to for the day so I used my membership privileges to call in favor,” he chuckled.
He looked proud of himself. “I hope you like it,” he said, standing tall.
The picture of him, Adam Fisher, President and CEO of Breakers Multinational was proud of himself for calling in club favors for burgers and fries.

“Thank you, Adam,” I said gratefully. If Taylor were here, she would have called him an angel and she would mean it. I missed her so much, and I was doing my best to remain calm for her, for us.

Everyone dug in. Dad, Belly, me, even Benito. He liked American burger after all.

He looked around and his face fell.
“Where is Jeremiah?”

Belly nodded to where he was sitting alone outside. I could see how much it was killing her to not be able to go talk to him. Whatever it was, that was going on, this place was not the best place to address it though I understood her.
Today was their wedding day and here they were, not able to talk to each other. It made my chest ache a little for them but at least, they were married.

“I should take one of these to him,” Adam said, grabbing a pack and a drink but Ben 10 stepped in.

“Non sir, let me do it, please.”

Adam looked at him for a second then nodded silently.
“Okay.”
He handed him the pack and a drink and stepped aside to go sit by himself, head resting on the wall, eyes closed.

I watched the exchange with a hint of amusement and a little confusion but when I turned to Belly to make a funny face about it, she looked like she was going to cry.

I took two packs and headed towards mom and Benito’s dad by the corner. They were deep in conversation, they didn’t even notice me coming.
Now closer, I could hear them more clearly.

“You should have spoken to me first before telling him. How could you think I would ever ruin her life?” he was saying to her, his tone angry and low. He had a mix of accents; French, Italian and even English.

He must be a very well traveled, adventurous man, the kind Susannah would have liked; the “adventure is worthwhile in itself,” kind of man.
I missed her too. If she were here, it would have looked a lot different; cheerier, happier, lighter. Susannah did have a way of making everything lighter.

Mom’s voice was lower, subdued, apologetic but firm.
“I am not sorry I did what I thought was best to protect her at the time, but I am sorry I didn’t trust you enough, that I hurt you. She was my best friend but so were you.”

“No, Laurel!” He said harshly, stepping even further away from her, agitated. “You don’t get to call me that, you don’t get to call me anything. You sold me out for him, that is not friendship, that is, that is tradimento!”

Mom sounded teary now.
“You have no idea how hard it has been for me this whole time; to be the person that has stay to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess every single time. The breakup, the cancer, the return, the divorce, you? She has been dead for 10 years now and I am still picking up the pieces.”

“I was not a mess you had to clean up,” he says to her and this time, his voice is quieter, maybe even a little heartbroken.
Sometimes, mom’s bluntness could be so sharp, she cut.

Neither of them had seen me so I took several steps back and then announced in a loud, cheery voice before rounding the corner just so they had time to collect themselves together.

“Finally, some food!”

They looked a little disoriented like they were just pulled back from the past though mom tried her best to look normal even though her eyes were red.

“Thank you Steven, what do we have here?” She smiled.

“Steak burgers from the Club” I announced and handed the man his pack, which he took from me.

“Adam came through for us.” I said, looking him right in the eyes.

I didn’t know this man, I didn’t know the story but I felt like he had to know that whatever he and mom were talking about and whoever, I was taking Adam’s side.

He got us food and drink when we needed it the most, this man got us nothing. He was even making mom apologize.

“Thank you,” he said to me, his voice heavy and calm; almost poetic. I felt like I could like him, like I already knew him before.
“Andrea Giovanni. I am a friend of your parents…..” then he paused. “….and Susannah’s.”

He stretched his hands and I shook it. His grip was firm, I liked it. Maybe I could like him and Adam.

Why was I thinking of him and Adam in one sentence?! It was so weird.

“Steven,” I said, suddenly feeling like I wanted to impress this man, that it would be nice if he thought I was cool. I cleared my throat. “Steven Conklin.”

He smiled, a nice smile that looked too familiar and uncanny to ignore. “Nice to meet you and congratulations on yor impending fatherhood.”

“Thank you. How come I can’t remember you from the funeral?”
He was a striking man, the kind that walked into a room and owned it, the kind that drew you in just by being there. I would have remembered him if I saw him.

“I wasn’t there,” he says, with something akin to regret.
The moment stilled and held and broke when mom said she would soon head out to the house to get Taylor’s maternity stuff. I told her it was in my car. She smiled, a nostalgic smile.

I walked back to the others, a little shaken. Belly was taking little bites of her burger, dad was seating with Adam, neither of them talking.
Outside, Benito was talking with or trying to talk to Jeremiah, the burger and drink between them, untouched.
Side by side, they looked like twins; with different eye and hair color and maybe body build. Fraternal twins maybe or just brothers. It was getting late, the courtyard was lit by a street lamp, casting a warm shadow over Jeremiah and Benito.
The air felt thick with a secret I wasn’t yet privy too.
My stomach felt heavy with tension. I unwrapped my pack and took a large bite of my burger.

“I feel like there is something weird going on,” I said to Belly.

She took another small bite of her burger, not looking at me.
“What do you mean?”

“Everything…Everyone is acting weird, like….like they all know each other. Like, why is mom and Benito’s father talking? And how does he know Susannah? Why is your ex talking to Jeremiah?”

She looked down at her burger, silently.
“It is complicated,” she said.

She still wouldn’t look up. My anxiety level was now sky high because when Belly told you something was wrong, something was definitely wrong.

“Now you’re acting strange,” I told her.

She said nothing. I waited, still nothing.

“Seriously?!” I asked incredulously. “You are not going to tell me?”

“I don’t want you to worry,” she said.

“What the fuck Belly?!” I almost yelled. “I am already worried as it is. In case you haven’t noticed, I have been worried since we got here so either you tell me now, or I’m going to go ask mom and make a scene!”

“Okay, okay….” She conceded. “Promise me you won’t make a scene.”

My heart was beating faster now.
“I promise.” I said.

I lied.
I fell out of my seat in shock and my eyes almost popped out of their sockets, when she told me, my burger toppling on to the floor in a mess, my drink spilling from my hands on my shirt.

“What?!” I screamed, forgetting where we were.
“Benito’s dad is Jeremiah’s biological father and your second ex is your husband’s brother?”

Dad hurried over to where we were.
I was hyperventilating now. No wonder Jeremiah had been in a mood this whole time. Damn! How had he even managed to drive us to the hospital with that kind of pain and on his wedding day???
What was next?
Cam Cameron was his fourth brother?

“Steven, you need to keep it down,” dad tried to get me to calm down.
I looked at Adam, he looked tormented. Dad looked undone and suddenly, it made sense. It made total sense.
The conversation with mom, Benito taking the burger to Jere, Adam letting him.

But damn!
This was the man’s freaking wedding day! Can he not just catch a break?
I was furious.
Oh God! I was so furious.
I was matching in the direction of where mom and Mr. Giovanni had been a few minutes ago but they were not there and then I remembered that she said she was going to pick up Taylor’s stuff from my car.
I matched outside.

Mom was holding the first bag, which had Taylor’s things while Mr. Giovanni was helping her with the second bag, which had the baby’s.

My rage was blind. I matched right to him and poked him in the chest.

“You are a piece of shit, you know that?!”

“excusez-moi?!” He blinked at me, looking blindsided

Mom’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Steven! Watch your mouth.”

No, everyone should watch themselves. Hasn’t the boy suffered enough already? Why wasn’t she even upset?

“All these years, you were perfectly fine staying away from Jeremiah but you chose the day of his wedding to show up?”

“Jeremiah invited him!” Mom defended him, her voice carrying that high pitched edge that only happened when she was really, really furious.

It was my turn to be blindsided. “He did? He knows?”

“No, not until today and yes, he invited me.” The man said, rubbing his hand over his face.

Mom and I turned to him at the same time, identical quizzical expressions on our faces.

The man rubbed his neck wincing like he was in pain. Maybe he was.

“I met Jeremiah for the first time when I visited Susannah when she was sick. I had no idea he even existed until I saw him and I just knew and why wouldn’t I? He is a spitting image of me and Susannah and his birth history coincided with that last night in Boston.” He admitted, looking from mom to me.
Seeing no judgement on our faces, he continued.

“I had no idea until that moment but I could not tell him or insert myself into his life then. So much was going on, with Susannah dying. I couldn’t even come for the funeral. I was so angry that I had been left in the dark all this time but at the same time, staying away felt like the best thing to do for him and that’s what I did for the next few years. There was never a good enough time to finally reach out to him, in his Senior Year, we ran into each other at a Convention hosted by his Frat Alumnus. The President of the Frat was the son of a friend and they needed me to headline the program. From then, we exchanged a couple of emails once in a while.”

“At the time, it just felt right to be in his life in some capacity. I never wanted to upturn his life. And then, one day, in one of his emails, he mentions his girlfriend wanting to do a semester in France and a few weeks later, another email, they were getting married. Then we exchanged a few more emails about it and I knew about his credit card score and I gave him tips on how to fix it. That was the last I heard from him until I heard about Belly from Benito and pieced together that the wedding was called off. All of my attempts to reach him proved abortive, my emails retuned undelivered. And then a few months ago, I got the invitation for today. I didn’t even want to come.

Mom and I had questions immediately but while I was getting my thoughts together, mom beat me to it.

“How did you know about Susannah’s illness? I thought you both lost touch?”

“Yeah, we did but we reconnected when she first started her chemotherapy. It wasn’t anything, we just kept in touch as old friends. Sometimes, we didn’t speak for months. Then the day she found out it came back, she called me from the hospital.”

“You were the first person she told?” Mom asked, puzzled. “She told me about a month later and Adam found out even later…”

“I figured,” he said softly, tiredly.

Mom said nothing else, she looked a little dazed.

My question had nothing to do with mom or Susannah or the cancer. It had more to go with what he said way earlier.

“Why didn’t you want to come to the wedding, before?” I asked him.

He shrugged helplessly.

“You said it yourself. It was his wedding day, I knew the moment I showed up, it was going to be messy. There is no way I would have wanted to ruin his day like this so I declined his invite.” He looked sincere, like he meant it and I felt like I believed him.

“If you declined his invite, why then are you here? Why did you come?” I asked.

“I got a second one, which I found a little funny to be honest.” He got out his phone and opened his email and true, the email was Jeremiah’s but the subject was off.

It read, “It is What Susannah would have Wanted.”

Attached was the invite and a short text. “Mom is not here but you can be.”

“It was a little out of touch and I almost didn’t come hence why I was late. I flew in with Benito two days ago. I told him your family was an old friend but this morning, I chickened out until last minute. I was only going to show my face and leave.”

The nerves in my brain were shooting in all directions.

“What Susannah would have wanted?” Mom said, looking puzzled. “That doesn’t sound like something Jeremiah would say to a stranger.”

That was exactly my thought too.

“Can I see the email for the first invitation?” I asked him.

He tapped on his phone and showed me. I took a picture of the email that sent it.

“Can I see the email of the second invite?” He tapped his phone again and showed me.

“Steven, what is going on?” Mom asked.

“Give me a sec, I just want to check something.”

I compared the first email and the second. At first, they were the same, nothing different. Then I looked again and bingo! There it was. In the second email, the first email was Jeremiahfisherrrrrrrr, the second email had one extra r.

“Jeremiah didn’t send you the second invite.” I announced.

Mom gasped.

Mr Giovanni was bewildered. I explained my findings to them, and they were in awe.

“And the texting styles are different. In the first email, the texts are polite, pointed, straight to the point. There is no mention of Susannah or anything personal. It is like, he only remembers you as a good, old friend. The second email reads a lot like emotional blackmail.”

At this point, mom was beaming with pride. “Steven was Class Valedictorian in High School; Partial Scholarship to Princeton, Fully Funded to Harvard Business School.”

My head swelled a little bit I didn’t dwell on it because my head was connecting dots.

“The second email came from someone who knew or at least, suspected your link to Susannah and Jeremiah…”

“And it couldn’t have been Adam because he hated my showing up so bad and it can’t be Jeremiah because until a few hours ago, he didn’t know anything. He found out my mistake. But why did he say he was the one that invited me?” He asked incredulously.

“Because he did and maybe he thought you changed your mind,” mom replied, connecting the dots even further.

Mr. Giovanni nodded, letting it sink in. “So, someone obviously wanted me here, someone who knew my presence would bring chaos…”

“Someone who would say something like, “This is what Susannah would have wanted,” to get their way,” mom added.

“Someone who also calls her mom,” I finished.

Mom and I stared at each other, the realization hitting the both of us at the same time.

“Jeremiah has an older brother right? Benito told me he ruined the first wedding. Where is he?” Mr. Giovanni asked, cluelessly putting into words what we were thinking.

“He canceled two weeks ago,” someone said from behind us.

It was Adam. We hadn’t even noticed him standing there the entire time. He probably came a few minutes after I did.

He looked so horrified and pale. He made a choking sound like he was suddenly suffocated and for a moment, I feared he was going to faint. Andrea and mom dropped the bags on the ground and hurried over to him holding him up on either side.

“Take a deep breath,” Mr. Giovanni said to him. “You are okay, you are not having a heart attack, you are not dying, just breathe…”

Adam tried to breathe, in, out. I hurried over and loosened his tie and belt. A few seconds later, his breath began to even out.

“What is going on here?” I heard dad’s voice from behind. “I have been looking everywhere for you guys, I-“

He stopped as soon as he saw us crowding over Adam. The blood drained from his face in terror as he stood rooted where he was, as if he was afraid to come close and find out.

“Oh my God! Did he have other heart attack?” He asked fearfully, his voice shaking.

Before either one of us could answer, Adam chuckled, catching all of us by surprise. He still looked winded and barely out of it but he was making such an effort to make a joke out of it, to lighten this situation.

“You wish, John,” he said a little laboriously. “You’re hoping I’d croak because you’re afraid of what I will do to you at the boardwalk tomorrow.”

Dad blinked in shock and confusion “What?!” Then relief flooded his face.

“You idiot, I thought you were dying,” he said, laughing more from relief than the joke.

Adam was standing on his own now. Dad came over and hugged him. His shoulders trembled a little. Adam hugged him back and I could tell he had been scared too.

Mom looked a little misty eyed. Mr. Giovanni looked away, like he was interfering in an intimate family moment, a family he had no right to belong.

“Nope, not dead,” Adam said, as they pulled apart. He sounded better and looked better. “Just fucked.”

“What do you mean?” Dad asked.

“We think Conrad tried to interfere with the wedding again. This time by proxy,” mom told him.

“No way! How?”

Cue Mr. Giovanni with his very European shrug. “He sent me a false invite after I already rejected Jeremiah’s own.”

“What?! Why?”

“If Mr. Giovanni had come early enough, or during the ceremony, it would have disrupted it for sure. I mean, look at the man.”

Because seriously, look at the man. How could Jeremiah not have even suspected? Dude could be so clueless sometimes.

“What a fucking piece of shit!” Dad said. “I knew I never liked him.” It was the first time I ever heard dad use a swear word.

“But we don’t know that-“ mom started to say and one look from dad and the rest of her words disappeared.

I always believed Conrad was the coolest. He was smart, quiet, witty, fiery but now, I just think he’s a pathetic, and just terrible human being. He is a person stuck in his head and in his past. He spent 5 years pining over Belly only to ruin her relationship and first wedding and another 4 to ruin her wedding again.

I was wrong when I told him he had some goodness in him, years ago. He didn’t. He was like a curse and maybe Belly was right when she said loving him was like being in a haunted house with a ghost still in limbo. Belly escaped, but he’s stuck there forever and he doesn’t even know it. I am not mad at him as much as I feel pity for him.

My thoughts are interrupted by Adam.

“I didn’t know you were a doctor too,” Adam teased Mr. Giovanni. “Thank you for saving my life. I really thought I was dying.”

The handsome European chuckled. I needed to tell Jeremiah that his dad, sorry dads were so cool but the Italian one was cooler.

“In my line of work, I’ve had to work with thousands of models all over the world and with the high pressure of the arts, you pretty soon learn how to recognize a panic attack before it happens.”

And suddenly, it clicked. Taylor, the magazines, the wedding catalogue. Taylor had wanted a wedding dress from Giovanni. I knew the name but very few knew the man.

“Wait a minute! You’re Mr. Giovanni of Giovanni?”

He smiled at me, a little amused, a little bashful,

“Son, can you drop the Mr. Giovanni thing? You’re making me feel ancient. Just call me Andrea.”

“Sweet!” I said, pumping the air. The older adults laughed.

Jeremiah was one lucky bastard! His two dads were fucking rich and popular. Taylor would be stoked. And speaking of Taylor. I grabbed the two bags from the floor.

“Ah yes!” Dad said. “Sorry, I got distracted,” and his face broke into this huge grin.

“Congratulations son! You’re now a dad!”

The bags fell from my hands.

“Oh my God!!” Mom screeched beside me and jumped on the first person beside her which happened to be Adam.

Dad was grabbing my shoulders in a hug and suddenly, I wanted to cry, to just bawl my eyes out so bad. I couldn’t believe it. Taylor made it, Kymani made it. I am going to be a dad, no.

“I AM A DAD!” I yelled.

“I AM A DAD!!” I yelled even harder, my chest almost bursting with happiness.

“I AM GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER!” Mom yelled.

“Congratulations John,” Adam was saying. “You will make a great grandma,” he said to mom.

And suddenly, I was running for the hospital and then I remembered that I dropped the bags. I ran back and picked them up. Mom, dad and Adam were practically dancing in circles.

And Andrea, he looked on with a painful smile on his face. He never got to experience this joy with Jeremiah’s birth, Susannah took that away from him. I guess she had her reasons. I might have missed being in the room when the baby was born, but I will not miss having this moment to share with my family. He didn’t get that either.

He discreetly wiped his eyes and I pretended not to notice as I focused on the bags.

“Let me help you with that,” he offered and I let him the take bag with the baby’s stuff.

“Thank you Andrea,” I said.

”My pleasure,” he smiled warmly.

Behind us, mom, dad and Adam hurried in tow.

Jeremiah thinks he’s always had bad luck, that he’s never been chosen, I hope he knows just how much and how many people love him.

I can’t wait to tell him he’s now a godfather.

Chapter Text

Before Things Fell Apart

For 4 years, Jere and I were happy; so happy we were some kind of legend in Finch but some things started to fall apart the first time Jeremiah and I had that fight after Spring break. Everything didn’t fall apart at once, just some.

Then, it had sort of came out of nowhere; the fight. We were hanging out in my dorm room, seeing a movie together on his laptop and then he got an email, it was about a trip to Cabo, he was going on. It was organized by his frat and sister Sororities. He never mentioned it to me so I was surprised he was going, and he didn’t ask me.

I confronted him about it and he got defensive and said, “you always think everything I do is ridiculous,” and, “let’s end it.”

Then Lacie happened and we broke up for real and in a dramatic turn of events, Steven had an accident and the thought that he could have died, that there was a chance we could lose the very people we loved, made me never want to lose anyone dear to me; my family, Jere, Taylor. It scared me and maybe I was being too hard on him because I did believe him when he said to him, we were broken up.

One minute, I was crying about missing him and wanting him close because he was the only one that could make me feel better, the next, I found him sitting at the reception area, curled up in a sleepy, beautiful rumple. He looked like he stayed the whole night. Seeing him, sealed something in me. I had to talk to him. I did, we made up and then, we got engaged!

Things didn’t begin to fall apart because of the secret Christmas I spent with Conrad in Cousins or because he slept with Lacie in Cabo when we were broken up and was too ashamed to tell me, or because I suddenly started loving Conrad again or because mom refused to support our wedding or because of Jeremiah’s “super senior,” tag according to Adam. Adam was such an asshole then though, it’s almost impossible to believe he is the same man now.

Things started falling apart because we got engaged, it is as simple as that.

August - Bachelorette - Cousins

Mom finally came around, but it wasn’t because my fiancé drove hours to come talk to her on my birthday with flowers for her or because I begged her but rather, because his brother asked her to.

Then the surfboard incident where we almost kissed, happened and I was so put off by it, I clung to Jeremiah like a clam that weekend and even followed him back to Boston for 2 weeks.
We were very happy, Jere and I. I was really proud of him, doing so well at Breakers, even his father had somewhat softened towards him. The foodie that he was, he wanted the chocolate glazed, raspberry filled cake for our wedding and I got to go wedding shopping with Conrad all day and afterwards, had to stand and watch him wipe peach juice from my face like I was 3, like I still needed him to clean my face. I just stood there and allowed him.

Should I be surprised he had the nerve to confess his love to me two nights before my wedding?

August - Wedding Morning - Cousins

Jere is nowhere to be found and it is all my fault. Last night, I told him what Conrad did and this morning, I woke up and my arms were empty.

I woke up and my arms were empty. That was how I knew the wedding was never going to hold. But I dressed up anyway and I prayed to a God I didn’t know that he would come back to me.

I said to Taylor, “I can’t wait to marry my best friend, and I am never letting him go.” I didn’t let him go, I was never going to. He did.

“That is not what I am asking you, Belly,” he had said, the tears brimming in his eyes, the truth he didn’t want to accept right there on his lips. I knew he knew the answer when he asked me anyway.

“I know you love me but do you love him too?” There is a moment in every person’s lives when you just stop running, when you know you’ve lost the fight, not because your weapons were exhausted but because it was a fight you were never going to win, not there, not then and yet, I couldn’t lie to save us.

I had been lying to him for months, I didn’t tell him about Christmas or the peach day or the surfboard accident but somehow, this was the day I chose to tell him the truth.
“Yes,” I said and even as I did, I could see that I had lost him completely but I gave it one last fight. I was saying the truth, it should make a difference right? It should save me, save us. They say the truth sets you free but this one didn’t.

“Whatever I feel for Conrad, it…it doesn’t compare to you and me, you and I, we put ourselves back together,” I begged. I was saying the truth, every word was from my heart. I have never been more honest than I was in that moment.

“You are a part of me now,” I sobbed desperately. I thought I could make him marry him still, but he turned his face from me and I felt my heart break in pieces. I cupped his face in my hand and turned him to look at me. I just needed him to look at me one last time, If he just did, if he could just see my face, my eyes, he would know I meant every word.
“I don’t know where I begin and where you end,” I cried. My other hand was gripping his like my life depended on it. It kind of did. He closed his eyes and kissed my palm and when he opened them and looked at me, it was over.

“Even now, I don’t know how to not love you, and that is the worst part.”

A part of me died that day, I felt cauterized. His eyes held a million sorrows, his face a thousand pains. Death by a million cuts, all of them inflicted by me. All my life, I had planned for everything; my money, my time, my education. When I had an injury and couldn’t play Volleyball again, I switched to Sports Psychology. All my life had been planned; even down to whom I was supposed to get married to, but what I never planned on, was Jeremiah Fisher walking away from me because of me.

I could live with a lot of things, but I couldn’t live with being the person that broke him that day. So I fled, to Paris. Even when he asked, I couldn’t come back. I had told him the truth and instead of setting us free, it had set us both on fire. Coming back was not going to undo it, maybe disappearing could.

New Year’s Eve - Paris

It has been 4 months since I ran off to Paris after the wedding and I have missed home every single day but it wasn’t just home with my parents in Philly or the summers in Cousins or with Taylor and Anika in Finch. I missed them all, and then I missed him.

Home was a person. Home was him.

We were barely speaking now but at least we were. The last time we spoke, two days after the failed wedding, when I told him I wasn’t coming back, he had asked me never to call him again. We are barely speaking now but at least we are speaking. It was more than I ever thought I could get 4 months ago. I took every excuse to text him, St. Patrick’s day even. He was working at a restaurant now and he texted me about how they were not impressed when he painted the kitchen counter green.

And then we talked on New Year’s Eve  and it was painful. I told him I tried Escargot and hated it and he laughed. Then he wouldn’t let me apologize.

“I should probably let you go,” he said, like he was going to. It hurt.

I didn’t want him to let me go, I never wanted him to let me go. It felt like a hot iron singing my chest, the pain, sharp and fierce and real. I didn’t even remember the boxes and letters from Conrad. After everything he did, it made me sick to think of him.

“Happy new year, Jeremiah,” I said, my eyes wet, the words choking my throat as they struggled to find their way out. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have imagined that I would be hiding out in a closet and wishing Jeremiah a happy new year over the phone, like a stranger.

When I imagined it, it was always the same. We would be in Paris, yeah; Paris was always our dream. And we would be dressed in warm clothes and trendy scarves pretending to be sophisticated and bourgeois with our terrible French.

We would walk side by side, as we pointed out some of the monuments and landmarks that we remember from the movies we saw together. Our favorite would have probably been from Amelié, her adventures were memorable and maybe I would have cut my hair short like she had done. No, I wouldn’t have; Jere liked my witchy, long hair but maybe he would grow a beard and I would like it.

Maybe he would like Amelie’s Bob on me. And we would laugh on the streets and hold hands and to make me laugh, he would try to catch snowflakes on his tongue.

And then, when the clock started to race towards midnight in gallops of seconds, he would pull me by the front of my jacket and kiss me until I melted into an overheated puddle on the cold, snow covered streets of Paris.

“Happy New Year Bells,” he would have said, breathless, his beautiful, happy smile lighting up his face, lighting up my chest and making me want to scream how lucky I was, how luckier I was than everyone else in the world because he was mine. It would have been our first Christmas as husband and wife.

“Happy New Year, Jere,” I would say to him and because I wouldn’t be able to help how much I felt about him, how I always felt about him, I would tell him,

“I love you so much Jer, you have no idea.”

And he would laugh or kiss me hard again or tell me he loved me more or pick me up and twirl me until we were laughing and out of breath, it didn’t matter what we did, so long we did it together.

Home was a person; the person was Jeremiah Fisher.

And on New Year’s Eve when that person hung up, more a distant memory than a familiar place, he left an aching emptiness where joy used to fit because for the first time, I recognized that what I lost was irreplaceable and that for the rest of my life, I would miss giving it up.

I left the closet and I kissed Benito as the clock struck 12.

Behind us, Taylor smiled and raised her glass to me in silent salute; she approved.

In the other room, Conrad’s gifts sat like strangers; unopened, unwanted, tenacious.

July - My Birthday - Paris

At first, Conrad’s letters annoyed me. He didn’t know what Benito looked like or maybe Taylor told him, I don’t know why she would and I don’t really care but he was so judgmental about it, about the fact that I was dating an Italian who drove a scooter. He was always judging everything I did, every time, like he knows me more than I could ever know myself, inserting himself where he didn’t belong, making assumptions about things he didn’t know anything about.

First, it was hearing that Jeremiah cheated on me from the drunken banter of his frat friends and telling me, “I didn’t know you were the kind of girl that would forgive cheating.”

At that time, I still cared what he thought about me, I didn’t want him to think I was one of those girls that forgave cheating but it was Jere and I couldn’t just tell him, “it was a misunderstanding, he thought we were broken up,” because then, I would be giving him too much details, too much weapons to use against him, against us.

Besides, I knew why he was telling me. It wasn’t because he cared that I was cheated on, it was that he didn’t understand why I was still choosing Jeremiah even after, why it was Jeremiah that still got to be with me.

It was as if he was trying to say, “Jeremiah cheated on you and you gave him another chance, why didn’t you forgive me after prom when I didn’t even cheat on you to start with. Why do you always keep choosing Jeremiah and not me?”

I was tired and still shaken from the episode I had in the bathroom after trying those edibles and I just wanted Jere. I was supposed to try them with him but I got carried away and now, my feelings crashing out all over me. I just needed Jere, he always knew how to make it all go away, the doubt, the fears, the questions, the sad. Just seeing him made everything lighter. We were supposed to meet at the light house and here I was, dealing with Conrad.

“It’s fine, he made a mistake and I forgave him, we are fine,” I said in a rush, impatient to be done with the conversation.

He chased after me, out of the beach and I hated that he was following me like there was a string from my waist to his, keeping us tethered.

He wasn’t happy with the way the conversation went, he thought I didn’t know, he was disappointed that I wasn’t mad at Jeremiah, maybe he didn’t know me after all but that did not stop him, did it?

Nothing ever stopped Conrad.

“Belly, your wedding is at a fucking Country Club, who are you?!”

Who am I?

No, fuck him, who was he?

Jere and I busted our asses all summer for this wedding. When we first got engaged, neither of us had steady jobs. We were both students and mom still thought I was too young to get married but less than two months later, we were pulling it off.

We would have pulled it off on our own, with a simple, beautiful wedding in Susannah’s garden and maybe the single, most pricey item on the budget would have been the chocolate cake Jere loved so much but who cares?

What did he know about me, about Jere, about us? In the end, we were able to afford the cake and everything I ever wanted, after Adam offered to sponsor the wedding and now, we had enough left for us to even go apartment hunting.

It was two freaking days to my wedding, why the fuck was he following me and yapping nonsense like his opinion was supposed to matter?

“Stop following me or I will scream!” I screamed at him. He didn’t. Nothing ever stopped Conrad.

“Belly stop,” he begged, I didn’t. Then he said, “fuck! I still love you.”

Then I stopped.

Still?

He still loved me? He’s loved me this whole time? I hated the way my heart wrapped around that word, still.

I hated that I stopped and most of all, I hated how for a moment I actually imagined what could have been if he had said that from the beginning instead of, “I thought you knew!”

I would have fought for him then and the fact that he chose today, this night to tell me, not in the 4 years since we broke up, not during Christmas, not when we texted when I was at the hospital with Steven after his accident, not at Susannah’s memorial, not the whole time we were living together in the summer house but today, today! It was fucked.

It was so fucked up that he could even imagine a thing like that, that he could tell me that and I told him.

Yeah, it was nice to know and a part of me was happy he finally admitted what I wanted him to, all my life but I was getting married to Jeremiah now, what did he expect me to do?

“I hate him when I see him with you,” he admitted to me, tears brimming like a storm in his eyes.

“Don’t marry him, be with me.” The storm broke and the tears rolled down both of his cheeks.

I melted a little, Conrad Fisher was crying because of how much he wanted me and then, I remembered what he was asking of me, what I was going to lose, whose tears I would rather die than see and I felt such helplessness.

I loved Conrad since I was 10, I threw myself at him every chance I got. That summer when I turned 16, all I ever wanted was to be with me and look where it landed me?

Getting embarrassed on my first date with Cam, getting left out in the cold, naked as the day I was born, having my birthday ruined, Jere not talking to me for almost a year after I kissed him the morning after the Deb ball.

Loving Conrad was never easy, it was dangerous, unsafe and it was not good. Bad things happened when I tried too hard and God knows I tried and what did I ever get for finally dating him except my grades tanking, losing my volleyball title and getting kicked out of the team altogether? What did I get asides from a traumatizing Prom that also turned out to be my first heartbreak? Because of him, I was depressed for months, I had to live with the fact that my brother resented me and my best friend hated me and on top of that, I embarrassed myself at Steven’s graduation party blubbering about how I was out of my mind in love.

But it hadn’t just being Conrad I had been out of my mind in love with. It was also Jeremiah and then Susannah, and the summer house and everything that I lost that year, volleyball, my grades, my college prospects, my mom’s respect after the funeral. It was everything I set ablaze.

I was out of my mind, period.

When I chased Jeremiah that summer Aunt Julia wanted to sell the house, I had been desperate.

I called him that night after Steven’s party, not Conrad and when he said, “Belly,” for the first time in almost a year, I felt like some broken parts of me settled in place. His voice, his name, calmed me, it made me feel like maybe, just maybe I could fix my life again, if only I could fix what I broke with Jeremiah.

And in the end, I had been right, choosing Jeremiah meant choosing myself; loving and being loved by Jeremiah, meant loving myself. I was never happier, surer, more confident than when I was with Jeremiah, something I could never replicate with anyone else and here was Conrad, trying to take it all away from me?

“Don’t you get it? You will never be what Jere is to me.” I said to him with all the assurance of a love I have known and experienced in the last four years. A love that was fuller, better and sweeter than whatever he ever offered me, a love that was mine and mine alone from the very beginning.

“He is my best friend, and he doesn’t leave when things get hard.”

It was after I left him, when he was no longer in sight that I allowed myself to break down in tears because I just knew I lost. Susannah asked me to take care of Conrad and yet, he wouldn’t let me, not when I was with Jeremiah, not when he just told me he still loved me and especially not then because what about Jeremiah? Susannah never asked me to look out for Jeremiah but there was nobody I would go to war for, more than him and yet, by the very nature of what Conrad was asking of me, he was essentially asking me to stab Jeremiah in the back and leave him to bleed to death. That was like asking me to stab myself.

A part of me died when Jere walked away and in France, I was like a lonely wood adrift in the wide ocean. I missed home, I missed everyone. Just a year ago, Jere had driven through the traffic in Boston to come see me in Philly with my favorite cake and a key to the summer house, the best birthday I’ve ever had until mom decided to be cruel and I had to leave with Jere.

If pushes ever got to shoves, I would always choose to leave with Jere. But this year, this Christmas, we were barely speaking. Everything changed around Susannah’s memorial. I sent him a text and he never responded.

At that time, I still hadn’t responded to any of Conrad’s letters. Then months went by and I heard from Taylor that he’s been living with Denise f for the last few months and that Adam cut him off after he refused to return back to Finch so I understood. I ruined his life, none of this would have happened if I never hurt him. Now, I had no right to demand to be in his life anymore and maybe I could grow and start repairing the other bridges I broke.

I moved houses and I realized that Conrad wasn’t going to stop sending his letters so I sent him a polite postcard with my new address.

The morning when I woke up and I was 22, I decided that maybe this was what growing up was about. You lose friends, you give up on people you should never have bargained about, you hurt your soulmate and you make mistakes. God knows I had made my own share of mistakes, but I was done running. It was okay to run at 21, at 22, it wasn’t.

At 22, you are bold and you let old ghosts remain in the past and you wear bold, red lipsticks and you chop your hair into a bob like Amelié. You are 22, you’ve been legally cleared to use alcohol for a year now and you smoked weed now too, but you are still that little girl that still believes that a girl can change her life just by cutting her hair. Turns out it doesn’t.

Conrad showed up, a conjured memory of ghosts long dead and with him came the echoes of nostalgia and everything I lost and missed. He even brought me a jar of sand from the beach in Cousins. The last time we saw on the doomed wedding day, we had been fighting but now, I realized I missed him too. He was always going to be a part of home, a part of me.

He said he told Jere he was coming to see me, I knew he did but when he said he told him, “good luck with that,” the last vestiges of hope I didn’t know I was holding on to, died in the silence of the full moon.

It was also the day of Jeremiah’s chef debut, he had moved on, he was creating a life for himself that I was not a part of, a life that I had not been a part of creating with him. Here I was, unable to fully move on, texting him every chance I got, hoping he still thought of me and he was moving on and he didn’t care that Conrad came to see me in Paris.

The last time he found out Conrad and I had been together and I didn’t tell him, he had crashed out so hard, and had being so hurt which led to Cabo and Lacie. Now, he didn’t even care, he said, “good luck.” He grew up, maybe I should too. And maybe growing up was going back to the drawing board.

Susannah said I was destined to be with one of her sons, most preferably Conrad. Maybe there was a reason that was, maybe there was a reason I loved him since I was 10 and never really stopped, maybe loving him was always going to be a part of me like my brown eyes and brown hair; maybe I could stop fighting destiny and just embrace it.

So I chased Conrad to the train station and told him, “I choose you in every infinite universe.”

But what exactly was I choosing him over? My autonomy? My reality? My dreams? My happiness?

Summer Holiday with Adam - Cousins

“Infinite unhappiness?” Adam had asked me that summer after asking why I was with Conrad.

I never felt more foolish than I did that day. I had come expecting that maybe, just maybe Jeremiah would come too and maybe we could talk, or not. We didn’t have to talk, it was a enough to just see him. He was doing very well, amazingly well and I couldn’t be a part of it because I was with Conrad. Of course he had lied when he implied Jere was okay with him coming to see me in Paris. Neither of us had spoken to him in a year and it was increasingly eating at me, what I did to him. I had spent that wedding morning trying to convince him Conrad was a forgotten history and here I was with him, playing house and holiday.

Nobody tells you how much losing your soulmate would cost you. There is not a day that passes where I don’t miss him, where I don’t wish that I could tell him how sorry I really was. The guilt was too heavy, the unhappiness was too sticky, like frozen tar on a pavement and being in the summer house with Adam and Conrad, without everyone else, without Steven’s stupid jokes and Jeremiah’s goofy laughter and mom’s silent enjoyment of the chaos all round, it felt like a horror movie with no end.

It was the 4th of July, Susannah’s favorite holiday but that night, it looked like her funeral all over again. Or maybe it was mine. There was no Jeremiah to light the fireworks or Steven to play his side kick in mischief. The house was silent and hollow, like someone emptied it of Joy and I was 23 years old, sniffing Jeremiah’s old clothes from his childhood and bawling my eyes out. I thought coming to the summer house would make the ache easier, it just made it worse.

“It’s okay that you miss him,” Adam said. “I miss him too, it’s just unfortunate I can’t cry about it.”

Adam probably saved my life. He did something no one else had done for me, he allowed me to grieve and like Jere had seen me for all of our lives, he saw me that night and it felt like breathing for the first time after having my head under water for the longest time.

“Promise me you will not give up on your life before you’ve had a chance to live,” he had pleaded with me. I promised him.

Two months later, in August, exactly two years after the wedding with Jere, I found Susannah’s ring in Conrad’s box. He came to spend the weekend, he was going to propose. That day, something snapped inside me and I broke up with him. No explanation, no well thought reason, it seemed to have come out of nowhere but it hadn’t, not really. For months I had been thinking of having a long conversation with him before the breakup but was too much of a coward to do it but after that conversation with Adam, I just realized how stupid it was, that I had actually thought my entire life was supposed to revolve around the Fisher boys.

Like Adam said, there was more to life for me than his sons, how hadn’t I seen it? I mourned that breakup for days, not because I was sorry about it but because it had been such a waste; a waste of my time, my life, my feelings and my chance at getting back with Jeremiah even if as just friends. He blocked me on all platforms after I just couldn’t stop texting him after Conrad and I got back together. It was like I wanted to reassure myself that he was okay with us being together. I mean, it was was Susannah always wanted, right?

When I was younger, I would have done anything for Susannah but at 23, I had to admit to myself that Susannah had not done everything for me. A lot of things she did, she did for herself and mom let her. I couldn’t tell Susannah now, she was dead but I could tell my mom.

“You were wrong mom, you and Susannah were wrong.”

Mom flew to Paris to be with me the next day. A few weeks later, I got a job in International Relations and I was sent to Canada for my first training for a year.

It wouldn’t be until Steven and Taylor’s wedding that I would see Jeremiah again, for the first time in 3 years after the failed wedding.

March - Taylor and Steven’s wedding - Boston

Taylor picked me up from the airport that dreary, rainy day in March. I took a break to coincide with Spring Break which also happened to be Taylor and Steven’s wedding period and she was reliving stories of her engagement like no time had passed at all. Except for her hair getting longer and her lipstick just as red and bold as my own had been for my 22nd birthday when I still had so much to prove, Taylor was essentially still the same.

She still gripped the wheel like they had a personal biff with the road and swore at drivers on the Boston highway like a crazy Bostonian heathen. She had her shade perched on her beautiful blond hair and she spoke like she had a page of the American Constitution written for her, the part that made her immune to all traffic rules and speeding limits. When she laughed, it still sounded like a cackle of shells on the beach, like kids running into the ocean, like two teenage girls talking about the first time their boyfriends dared to kiss them down there…

She was telling me about her proposal, filling me in on the details that with our schedules and the distance, I had missed. It hasn’t been easy keeping up with her and their lives from Paris and seeing how I kept to myself in Paris after everything, my relationship with Taylor wasn’t totally what it used to be.

I want to think it is just because of the time and distance but if I’m being honest, I think it was after the failed wedding.

“Steven is just so crazy, you know that?” She gushed, her rock of a ring glinting in the light from the dashboard.

“We had a fight that day and I came home from work to find out he had set up a romantic dinner in apology but then, he forgot to light the candles before I came in because he wanted to surprise me and we started arguing about that and I stormed off into our bedroom and he followed me and the next thing I know, he dropped to his knees and was like, ‘Taylor, can we continue this fight for the rest of our lives? Please marry me?’” She finished with a beaming smile, happy to relieve the memory. It was so like Taylor, the proposal. I couldn’t have imagined it happening any other way.

I imagined it, Steven getting on his knees and begging her to marry him, the unlit candlelight dinner behind them, forgotten. Because love isn’t always about the things you plan and sometimes it catches you by surprise.

“It is so romantic,” I tell her, a little dull ache in my chest but genuinely happy for her. She is glowing and I can see she is happy.

“Yeah, it was. It was so unexpected, like it’s literally the sweetest thing,” she agreed, eyes on the road as she maneuvered the car around a bend.

I have not thought of Jere so much in the last few months since I started to get my life on track. I have gone from obsessing over his social media accounts with anonymous accounts to deleting all of them and just focusing on myself more. I have taken up a couple of habits now. I picked up photography when I was with Benito, now, I owned a camera and I loved video editing now too….it was soothing.

But hearing Taylor talk about her proposal, I couldn’t help thinking about mine, years ago. It had been unplanned too and then, the second time, when he did it again, this time with the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen.
I missed him, but not in the consuming way it had been before, when all I just wanted was to have him back as my boyfriend. I missed him the way you missed an old friend, best friend. Taylor said only Conrad was best man while Denise and I were her maids of honor.

Denise.

She had Jere had started something but they didn’t work out, long distance or something.

Great! It was so great how everyone actually moved on past me.

Taylor had another close friend that wasn’t me and it was Jere’s ex. Actually, we were both Jere’s exes and Conrad, my ex, was the best man. Jere hadn’t been home in years, so they didn’t ask him to be best man, they didn’t even know if he would be coming at all. I know Steven would have wanted him to and it didn’t make sense that they stopped talking. They were all so close together.

“I still find it weird that Jeremiah would miss your wedding,” I said to her. “It’s unlike him.”

Taylor looked at me a certain way and looked away, like she didn’t want to say anything.

“What?” I prodded, feeling uncomfortable.

She shook her head, “nothing…” then she bit her lips like she was debating with herself, then she said, “don’t do that?”

I was confused. “Don’t do what?”

“Don’t act like you know him anymore.”

“But I do,” I countered. “It is Jere, of course I know him.”

“No you don’t,” she said to me. “Not anymore.” She looked right ahead of her, the wiper working extra hard to clear out the splatters of rain from the windshield. The result was a translucent haze that made incoming headlights look like smudgy, red filters.

Taylor’s tone had been soft but underneath held a hint of resentment that I never noticed before. She and I didn’t talk about Jeremiah anymore, and now that I thought about it, Steven too and definitely not Conrad.

The only times I heard from him were from my mom and she didn’t know much.

“So what now? You know him better now?” I said with a little bite I couldn’t help slipping into my tone.

She shrugged her little shoulders as she took a different lane to turn out of the highway into a street I assumed was where our hotel was.

“I don’t, either; nobody does; not anymore.” It wasn’t bitterness I heard in her voice before, it was resignation.

“Why?” I asked, as memories fluttered into my line of vision, threatening to undo me.

She didn’t say anything until we drove into the hotel parking lot then she killed the ignition and looked at me. Her eyes were guarded but the sadness in them were honest.

”Bellybutton, you were not the only one he stopped talking to,” she said quietly.

The silent part was, ‘after you and Conrad got back together in Paris.”

I nodded, my throat tight, my eyes dry. I stared ahead of me, letting the words sink right into my chest as my heart sank in my stomach.

The ache was back in full force and this time, it hurt like a punch on a knife wound. 

“Okay,” I said, quietly, still looking ahead.

I was looking ahead but I wasn’t seeing ahead. it is one thing to pretend like nothing has changed, it is another thing for it to smack you right in the face, how much has changed.

“Belly,” Taylor called softly.

“Yeah?” I whispered in a voice like broken glass. I turned to face her but I couldn’t see her.

I was crying.

Chapter Text

The morning of Steven and Taylor’s wedding was a flurry of activities, decorators flying up and down, the smell of flowers and perfumes filling the air, the swish and whish of silk dresses, and nervous chatters.

Powder on skin, foundations and eye creams fading the last eye bags and dark circles from the last night’s late rehearsal dinner, checking the mirror a million times to be sure that the curls I had bullied my hair into were in place, with several strands falling over my face. I wanted to go for a different look from my normal and Denise helped. She helped to style my hair into the barely there curls it became.

Though nothing close to hers, it was enough to achieve the look I wanted; bold, new, different and beautiful.

We both smacked our lips in front of the mirror and she suggested a selfie and we stroke model poses with pouty lips.

We looked good.

But Taylor looked divine….

It was her wedding after all…

We had gone to sleep a little after midnight and were awake by 5am but it was all worth it. We had enough time to prepare and we looked so good…

Taylor in her beautiful, white dress; Denise and I in our pink, silk dresses.

In the few days between when I arrived and our preparations for the wedding, Denise and I have arrived at a mutually respectful sort of friendship situation. She was cool and smart and funny with the wittiest comebacks and I was a little curious about the girl who had known Jeremiah the way only I had used to.

We never spoke about him.

“Steven is going to die for sure when he sees you today,” she gushed to Taylor as I fitted her foot into her silver, low-heeled, shoes.

“He will not know what hit him,” I concurred, as I set her foot down, finally done.

“Are you nervous?” I asked her.

She put her hand on her chest and giggled a little. “My heart is beating so fast, it feels like it is going to burst out of my chest.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing,” I assured her. “It means you’re alive and present in this beautiful moment.”

Her wedding dress was a fashion statement, it was made in France. Her jewelry was diamond and crystals…. Diamond for her engagement, speckled of crystals on her dress, she looked like a sparkling princess.

Lucinda came in for a few minutes to check if everything was okay and had tears in her eyes.

They had both chosen their wedding dress design from a million catalogues, and designed her style.

The both of them planned her bridal slay, down to the T; it was the sort of thing Lucinda was great at but something my mom had refused to do with me when it had been my turn, something I am no longer sure we would ever get a chance to do again.

They were holding hands and blinking back tears and whispering to each other how beautiful they both looked.

“I am so proud of you my little T-Rex, I knew you would get everything you ever wanted because you deserve the world…”

I feel an echo of that night in my chest.

At 21, all I ever wanted was to get married to my best friend and never let him go.

“I will not stand by and watch you throw your life away but if you insist on going ahead with this wedding, I will not be a part of it!”

My mom’s words ricochet in my head. Mom and I are in a good place now but when I think back to that time, I can’t help but be bitter. If we had had even one tenth of the support she gave Conrad and I, Jere and I would have been married for years now. I shake my head to pull myself out of it, as if to dispel the lingering ghosts. What’s done is done; what is lost has been lost.

I look around and can’t see Denise in the room. A few seconds later, I hear the sound of an open faucet and a napkin being unrolled.

The door to the bathroom opens and she steps out.

“Sorry, I know it will be a long day, just had to empty my bladder,” she explained reasonably, ever the planner.

“You should too,” she urged me.

I nodded and headed for the bathroom but I didn’t use the toilet, I stood in front of the mirror and stared at my reflection.

If I squinted my eyes a certain way, the tears will wet my lashes instead of spilling out and ruining my make up. I got a napkin and dabbed on the bottom part of my eyes.

I wasn’t usually a heavy makeup kind of girl, but for Taylor’s wedding, I went all the way. My makeup was expensive and high effort, Taylor would kill me if I ruined it.

As if conjured by forces of light, Taylor walks into the bathroom and shuts the door behind her.

“Bellykins, are you okay?”

I nodded and tried to laugh a little which came out brittle and shaky. “Just needed a moment…” I tried to say dismissively.

She looked at me, really looked at me. “You were thinking about that day…..”

And him….

That was the part she didn’t say. I nodded.

I took a deep breath as I bit down on my trembling lips. In the last few months, I have gotten really good at going long stretches of time without him popping into my head.

If you asked me, I would have said I was finally moving on, that I had accepted the past for what it was, that people mistakes and learn from them and that I have learned but the past two days, has been overwhelming in a bitter-sweet kind of way. I was really happy to be reunited with my family and friends again but there was no way I could ignore everything that had changed in my absence, everything that was altered because of me, how we were no longer complete because of me.

Gosh! I couldn’t cry now, I had to hold it in. I took in deep, steady breaths, the guilt heavy and stiff in my chest.

“I know how much we all looked forward to attending each other’s weddings since we were kids,” I said to her.

“I’m sorry I am the reason Jeremiah is missing you and Steven’s.”

She gave me a kind smile as she shrugged off my apology and self loathing, “it’s okay, he did what was best for him and I don’t blame him. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever…”

That was a gut punch because I know that was not true.

Not Jere.

If there was anyone that would have done anything to remain in everyone’s lives, who would have loved to be friends even now, who would have loved to be here more than anything, it would be Jeremiah and I forced him to give that up.

I did that, me and Conrad.

Now we get to attend and he doesn’t.

I have nothing to say. I turn on the faucet to the right and put my hands under. The lukewarm water turns cold against my skin, maybe I really just want to feel something, anyway.

“But I am more glad that you are here, though,” Taylor says evenly. “Jere was one of my best friends and I miss him but I missed you more and I can take his absence as long as you are here.”

I knew she meant it and it meant so much to me.

“Steven would beg to differ,” I say as I turn off the faucet and face her.

“I’m not so sure about that,” she says. “There’s no way he would have wanted you to miss his big day. You are his little sister, he adores you.”

“I am his little problem, that is what he’s called me since we were kids,” I tell her, smiling. He’s always been my biggest opponent when it was just the two of us, teased me the hardest and pissed me off until I cried but he was almost my biggest defender.

His mantra was, nobody bullied me but him.”

I remember that morning when Jere disappeared and I was freaking out.

“Don’t worry,” he had said to me, kissing my forehead. “I will fix this. I will find Jere and the both of you will get married, okay?”

He had wanted us to get married: his relationship with Conrad was never the same after that day but they still spoke and kept in touch because maybe a part of him wanted to hold on to the past, to our childhood, the kids we used to be. Maybe he wasn’t ready to let go, like me.

He is my brother, I have known him my whole life and that is how I know that there is no way he would have wanted Jere to miss his wedding either but I did not say it out loud.

It was Tay’s day, mine was history and we are going to live in the present not the long, gone, bitter past.

“Anyway…..” I said breezily, infusing lightness into my voice. Her eyes lit up at that.

“You are getting married!” I bursted out and her face broke into the biggest, brightest smile.

We grabbed each other’s hands and squealed in each other’s faces and burst into a chorus weaving stiff palms in front of our face.

All the single ladies, all the single ladies, whip your hands up! Oh, oh, oh…

And suddenly, the heaviness was dispelled.

“Too bad he’s going to miss seeing you today, you look like you just stepped out of a fashion magazine, and your hair is divine…” she praised me as we collapsed on each other, panting from laughing.

I blushed.

“Oh Tay, you spoil me, but we both know you’re the main character today and you’re serving lewks….. just wait until Steven sees you.”

She fanned herself with her hands and strutted around with a big smile and then we burst into laughter.

There was a knock on the door, it was Denise.

“The car is ready, we need to leave like now!” Ever the planner, she was the one that ensured that we were all on schedule. Considering how she and Steven had been, I couldn’t believe she and Taylor got that close.

Giggling, Taylor and I burst out of the bathroom, applied an extra layer of gloss on our lips, took a few more selfies and transition videos before we all crowded into the car to the church.

We arrived early, with fifteen minutes to spare before the ceremony. Long enough for  pre-wedding shenanigans and finding the secret room to hide Taylor so Steven couldn’t see her until she was walking down the aisle but not long enough for Steven to go back to the hotel to get his tie.

His hotel was 25 minutes away.

Guests were mostly seated and the priest was already here, how did Steven manage to forget his tie today of all days and how did dad let him?

Dad thought it was in his bag somewhere, Steven thought dad packed it for him. Dad was wearing a patterned tie, today of all days and the code was unspotted turquoise. I couldn’t ask mom to help because she was coordinating our Korean side of the family, Halmeoni was here, all of whom I met the night before with Halmeoni screaming how skinny I was and I just couldn’t go take any stranger’s tie.

I was panicking.

Up until now, I have tried not to think of Conrad or that we would be walking down the aisle together for the couples until now but even then, it was pointless. He couldn’t give Steven his tie.

He totally missed the color, he was wearing black!

Crazy how missing a tie could twist you into a frenzy until I noticed Steven was no longer engaging me. He was open mouthed as he stared behind me.

“Oh my God! You came?” He gasped.

My heart lurched in my chest before I even turned because I knew, I just knew.

I froze in place as soon as I did; it was like spurt of air hit my face, like someone drenched me in water after days lost in the desert, like the sun making an appearance after days of endless, dark storm.

“Jeremiah?” I managed to croak, my heart threatening to spill out of my mouth the way it was beating like crazy.

He looked….incredible, he looked more golden than he could ever be in my memory. He was sporting a light mustache which gave him a more serious, sexy, unbothered air. His golden curls were just as I remembered it and muscle memory had my fingers twitching to sink into them. He looked hotter, more confident, broader, more self assured than I remember him, he looked like the sort of person who taught life a lesson, not the other way round. He looked bad and good at the same time, like a delicious meal you can’t afford to eat.

He didn’t look particularly surprised or elated to see me but his back stiffened and it felt like a shutter fell over his face, hiding every expression from his face.

That was the first thing I noticed, how well he now knew how to mask his true feelings, how convincing it was.

“Hello Belly,” he said coolly.

I felt doused in cold water. His response was Antarctica level cold, what the fuck!

Then he turned to Steven with an amused expression, “dude, where is your tie?”

That seemed to snap Steven out of his shock as he sprung forward and they both met each other halfway in a big hug.

“I knew you would come!” Steven was saying, his voice wavering, excitedly. “I knew you would not let me down.”

Jeremiah laughed, the sound from somewhere deep inside of him; light and free, happy. He was happy; happy to see Steven, not me.

“Oh boy, I thought I could but damn! I’ve missed you guys so much.”

He wasn’t looking at me, it was almost as if I wasn’t there at all but I felt his words like a punch in my stomach.

“Look at you man, you are literally glowing. Damn! New York has been so good to you,” Steven gushed.

He was holding him, like he still couldn’t believe he really came.

“Yeah, yeah,” Jeremiah grinned. “Really so good and look at you, you finally stopped pretending it was all about the lean muscles and shit? You looked ripped.” He teased him.

“Aii, aii,” Steven deflected shyly. “Stop thirsting after me, you perv.”

They both laughed. They were laughing so much, so happily, the sounds were bouncing like a ricochet in my brain. I hated it.

Usually, I would be the Centre of this reunion but I just stood by, wringing my hands, unsure what to do with myself.

“Okay, so now that you are here, you owe me for the time lost. You have to be my best man.

Jeremiah groaned. “Come on now man, you already have one, why do you need a second best man plus I wasn’t even at the rehearsals.”

He didn’t say he wouldn’t do it, he was trying to wriggle away from being asked because he wouldn’t be able to say no.

A smile I couldn’t help, touched my face. Who said I didn’t know this boy?

Steven cocked a brow as if to say, ‘really?’

Instead he says, “Taylor has two Maids of Honor, why do I get to have only one best man?”

Then, Jeremiah looked over at me, and my heart started beating fast, his eyes were bearing down on me from my toe to my head. His face had no expression, just a curious looking, like I was a stranger he was assessing for compatibility for the task at hand.

He didn’t look like he liked or hated my looked; he didn’t look like it mattered at all.

“Who is the second maid of honor?” He asked.

Steven looked a little surprised.

“Denise,” he said.

“Oh cool,” Jeremiah said. “I’m in but you first, as the groom, you need a tie.”

He removed his and started knotting it on my brother’s neck.

“Don’t worry,” he said to Steven’s confused face. “My dad and I wore matching ties, I will borrow his.”

I breathed a little, Adam was here, I would be happy to see him again, and I know he would be happy to see me too. I heard about his surgery, I’m glad he made it. Mom said he’s being the most insufferable patient ever and I can’t wait to see him.

Denise was with Taylor, I felt useless here but I couldn’t leave. It felt like I was rooted on the spot and if I moved an inch, Jeremiah would dissolve into thin air.

I couldn’t imagine not seeing him even for a second, now that he was here. A part of me still couldn’t believe that he was here, I was still drinking him in, like a parched camel.

I had no idea I had been starving until he showed up and now, I was insatiable for his presence.

“Umm, I think Denise and Conrad should pair up while you pair up with Belly…. You guys have been at a wedding rehearsal before…” Steven said uncertainly and apologetically looking from him to me, poking the bear the didn’t want to.

I offered a harmless smile to show I didn’t mind at all, Jere’s face didn’t move a twitch.

My heart was beating so fast again, my face was so hot from embarrassment and this time, Jeremiah was looking at me again, really looking at me and all I could see what that it didn’t seem like the mention of our failed wedding had any effect on him.

He shrugged.

“Sure, whatever… Let’s do this.”

I felt the wind knocked out of me.

“Sure whatever?” to me?

Me?

A few years ago, we were almost married.

Before that, we dated for 4 years.

Before that, we were childhood best friends.

Whatever?

I felt like I could dissolve in tears.

Steven threw me a sympathetic look and I gave him my most resolute, stoic smile, to reassure him, as if I wasn’t shaking right there, as if my knees weren’t about to give way.

Jeremiah’s reaction to me was worse than I anticipated; he wasn’t happy to see me, he wasn’t sad; he wasn’t angry either; he was indifferent, he just didn’t care.

“I told Jere I was coming to see you and he said, good luck,” Conrad had said.

So, he had been right, after all?

He hurried off to go borrow his dad’s tie and Steven came to me.

“You are shaking, are you okay?”

“Yes,” I said and to prove just how okay I was, I pulled my circle of flowers on my arm and adjusted his tie.

“Thank God Jere saved your ass or mom would had thrown a fit.”

“Or, I could have just made a casual groom,” he snickered.

“Not if Taylor doesn’t kill you first.”

We both chuckled at that.

“Yeah, you’re right. She would definitely have my head.”

Taylor squealed in joy when I informed her of Jere’s presence. I didn’t tell her of his reaction or lack of to me. We were 1 minute away from walking down the aisle.

Conrad and Denise walked ahead first and at the end of the altar, Conrad went to Steven’s side and Denise to the bride’s side. She didn’t particularly look impressed or affected by him. I don’t think she liked him much.

Jeremiah offered his arm when it was our turn, looking ahead, a practiced, warm smile on his lips.

God! It hurt so bad. Why was he acting like we were complete strangers who have never known each other before, who didn’t almost get married at some point?

It feels like a lifetime ago when we were in this same position and he had said,

“You look like a goddess.”

Now, he wouldn’t even look at me at all.

Did he remember?

“Umm, Jere, I’m-“

“You ready?” He said, cutting me off.

I peered at him and he was serious, not mocking or joking, he was serious for business.

I swallowed my words and we stepped forward, our steps in sync like we had practiced this before.

In some ways, some things haven’t change, and in other ways, everything has.

“Hold on to Jeremiah, he will never let you fall.”

I grabbed on to his arms, reveling in the solid warmth of him on the short walk to the aisle. I felt mournful when we had to separate.

Had I held on to him too hard before? Had I refused to let go when I should have?

If we hadn’t clung so hard to each other that summer, if we hadn’t gotten engaged, would we still be together?

He stood beside Conrad without a word or nod. I felt the weight of that in my stomach but could not stop looking at him.

I noticed him playfully wink at Denise and I almost wanted to push her.

Steven’s eyes popped as Lucinda walked Taylor down the aisle and for a moment, everything shone bright and beautiful because Taylor stole the spotlight.

When we were younger, I used to feel like she was always such a main character but today, she was for sure. She deserved to be. Taylor had the hugest heart of anyone I know. Like Jeremiah, she’s always being there for everyone. It is my biggest honor to be there to her too.

The wedding was beautiful, even more beautiful for me because Jeremiah came. I danced with Taylor, some of our moves from when we were kids while Jeremiah avoided me like a plague. He danced with Taylor though.

Taylor was ecstatic to see him, and so was mom even though he looked less enthusiastic in her company. He is holding on to Denise’s hands and Conrad is looking at me.

I look around and find Adam chatting with my dad and make a beeline for him.

“Look who the wind blew here,” he greeted me, smiling happily, his arms wide open. I hugged him, relieved to shake Conrad off. He wasn’t the Fisher son I wanted to talk to.

“Hello Adam, how are you?”

Dad went off to greet my grandmother, leaving me with him.

I was a little surprised he wasn’t surprised that Adam and I had gotten close.

“I was so happy to get your letter, Isabel and not that I am complaining, given the nostalgia of the idea itself but whatever happened to texting?” Adam teased. “I thought everyone in your generation was a texted.”

I burst out laughing. He was hilarious and he looked, a little frazzled and ridiculous without his tie. Adam was that kind of old school that should always wear a tie.

Yes, I did write him a letter from Canada. I guess being in Paris turned me into a romantic, nothing to do with Conrad’s letters. I wish I had written Jeremiah a letter too, I wondered what he would have thought of it.

“How do you feel?” I asked him. “I’m so glad to see you’re doing well.”

“Well, can’t complain, I beat the odds, didn’t I?” He chuckled and for a moment, I caught a glimpse of Jeremiah in him.

“Plus, it has given me the perfect opportunity to get away with anything. You can’t tell me I’m wrong now, because I had a heart attack,”

“Wasn’t that years ago?”

”So what? When you’ve had 2 heart attacks and a surgery then you can come back and we’ll talk.”

“I bet,” I said to him, enjoying his company. Who knew Adam was so cool.

“So…,” he began, cautiously. “Have you seen him?”

I poured myself a glass of wine and downed half of it. We both knew who.

“That had, huh?” He asked, eyeing me with concern.

“The worst, actually. It was as if I was not there and right now, he’s off wherever with his ex, Denise.”

“Ouch!”

I emptied the glass, “yeah exactly, ouch!”

“What about Conrad, are you okay with him?”

“Not really, we haven’t talked and I don’t want to. We have nothing to talk about anymore,” I said honestly.

He nodded sympathetically. “I understand you.”

I offered to pour him a glass of wine but he declined so I poured myself another.

“Your right, three o’ clock,” he whispered urgently and once again, I froze.

“You had better not be having any drinks in your hands,” I heard Jeremiah call as he walked over to us.

I poured the drink quickly, to cover the sudden waver of my motor coordination.

Adam raised his hands in innocence, a bottle of water in one.

“I have been on my best behavior all day, isn’t that right, Isabel?”

“Yeah, sure, of course. Totally, very well behaved,” I rambled. Up close, Jeremiah smelt so good, looked so good, he was scrambling with my senses.

After I started seeing my therapist, I started to think that maybe I hadn’t been in love with either of the Fisher brothers, maybe I had just known them all my life, maybe it was because of how close I was to Susannah but seeing Jeremiah again, I was feeling things I wasn’t sure I still had a right to feel, things that now it seems I never stopped feeling.

He arched his brows at both Adam and I, confused as to when we both became close but he didn’t say anything.

Instead, he took a seat beside his dad, facing me.

I wanted to talk to him so bad, for him to acknowledge my presence so much. Having him be and act like this with me was so unfamiliar and strange. His actions bore no animosity or hidden feelings, he just didn’t care and that hurt even worse. The other side of love is not hate, it is indifference, I have never understood it as much as I do now.

I haven’t never felt so invisible to anyone like this before, not even when I thought I wasn’t pretty and had my braces on , and especially never with him.

I cleared my throat and licked my lips nervously.

“Should I pour you a drink?” I offered.

Before he could decline, Adam accepted on his behalf.

“Yes, please and thank you. He locked away all the alcohol in my house and now, both of us are secondary teetotalers.”

“Dad…” he said, laughing. “It is the doctor’s order. No alcohol until you are fully recuperated.”

“Exactly!” Adam retorted. “The doctor’s orders to ME, not you.”

Jeremiah rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Like I didn’t catch you sniffing the last bottle of champagne I finished.”

Adam looked scandalized, “I plead the fifth.”

I chuckled as I poured the drink and slid it over to Jere.

“Thank you,” he says but he doesn’t touch it.

“So, how was Canada? I heard the winter last year was pretty bad.”

“You were in Canada?” Jeremiah asked, shocked  and suddenly looked like he hadn’t meant to, like the question had betrayed his careful nonchalance.

Hope surged into my chest and let my tongue loose.

“Yeah, I was there for a training for 6 months. It was pretty cold, I was wearing seven layers of clothes and warming bottles underneath my shirt just to be able to make it out of my house everyday.”

“Sounds extreme,” Adam shuddered. “I couldn’t imagine surviving that cold.”

I barely heard him because I was looking at Jere and he was looking back at me. I could barely blink or breathe, unwilling to break the spell.

What was going on with me, wasn’t normal. I’ve never had this reaction to anyone before; not even to him then.

“What training did you undergo in Canada?”

“It was in Intentional Relations. I started working with a PR and Crisis Management firm specialized in international PR and Government images.”

“How impressive,” Adam encouraged, taking a sip of his water. “Your mom told me all about it, she’s so proud of you.”

“Of course she is,” Jeremiah muttered with a little scowl.

“Well, congratulations Isabel,” mimicking his dad, an edge of bitterness in his voice. “I’m happy for you.”

He looked anything but that.

I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out.

He looks away.

“Okay kids,” Adam says, jumping to his feet. “I know you both have a lot of catching up to do so I’ll leave you both to it and go bother my peers. And Isabel, it was lovely to meet you again, don’t be a stranger.”

“I won’t,” I promised and with that, he was out.

“He thinks he’s smooth,” Jeremiah says with a fond smile and I chuckle at that.

“Maybe he is,” I say.

We are silent for a beat and his curiosity gets the better of him. Again.

“Isabel,” he says, testing the word like a new dish on his tongue, suspicious, unfamiliar, disappointing. “Since when did you become Isabel?”

“I have always being Isabel,” I tell him.

He scrunches his brows for a minute before it hits him.

“Oh yeah, right. Isabel Conklin. Cool.”

The conversation ends abruptly even though he sounds like he has a lot to say but won’t because he wasn’t even supposed to talk to me at all in the first place.

He grabs a bottle of water in room temperature and begins to open it.
He might be done talking to me, but I’m not. This is the first time I’m seeing him in three years, I have so much to say to him, so much to ask him; I want to talk to him and never stop. I want to hear him talk till I fall asleep forever.

I’ve always wanted that, I just didn’t realize I could lose it.

My glass of wine is empty while his has remained untouched.

“Why wouldn’t you touch your wine? I couldn’t have poisoned it, if that’s what you’re scared of.”

He glanced at the drink as if he had forgotten it was even there in the first place and then at me.

“Don’t you have Conrad to go obsess about?”

I gasped as his words hit me like a fist. I blinked in shock.

“I beg your pardon?”

“You heard me.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re acting like a vindictive kid right now, actually all day.”

“And you’re acting like a wimpy one, I’m sick of it,” he replied, his eyes bright and unapologetic. He corked back the bottle of water.

I felt the whiplash of rage inside me. Rage and something more warm and tugging; longing. I missed him so much, he would never have any idea.

“Why are you being like this, Jere? I’m just trying to talk to you.”

“Well, maybe next time, you should learn to read the room because I sure as hell do not want to talk to you and I don’t know whatever gave you the idea that I would.”

With that, he takes his water bottle and storms away, pissed, leaving him with half a bottle of wine, an untouched glass of it, and a wounded heart.

He hates me, gosh! He hates me so much he can’t even talk to me. I look at his retreating back and he is with Denise now and he’s laughing and it hurts.

It hurts so much. He was being cruel which was unlike him. I didn’t understand; what happened to him? Why did he change so much?

Where did Susannah’s sunshine boy go?

Life moved on without me, new friends were made, other people could make him laugh and I, I just pissed him off for wanting to talk to him.

I finish his glass and pour myself another one. At this rate, I was for sure going to  finish the whole thing myself. I am not trying to make this about me but I wasn’t having a great party anymore.

I watched Jeremiah and I Denise dancing snd laughing. She’s hitched her shirt up a little and the music is loud and they are doing a silly feet dance, resembling a staccato. Everyone is on the dance floor, mom and Adam, dad and Lucinda and Conrad is still looking at me. He keeps looking at me, like he thinks if he looks at me hard enough, I will fall down at his feet once again.

I look away and instead, get out my phone to make a video.

I caption it, “having a blast!” And post on Instagram.

Anika likes it immediately and then my phone chimes. It is a message from her.

“Wait, Jeremiah came???”

Followed by,

“How are you having a blast if you’re not dancing with him???”

Then,

”He looks so hot! Send more videos!!!

“OMG!! Are those beards?! I’m swooning 😩”

Do you still want him because I think I do now…🤺🏋️‍♂️🤼‍♀️

”I didn’t see Taylor.”

”Where is my girl???”

What are you wearing??

I need to see!!

ISABEL CONKLIN, flood my DM immediately!!

She’s still typing when I muted her.

She’s screaming at me over text, sending me on video making errands like she shouldn’t have been here in the first place.

She is currently volunteering with a UN based charity in Cambodia, she had a huge fund raising to host today.

It’s supposed to be this big deal, I wonder how she even gets the time to stalk my story and demand for videos. We missed her.

I get another chime, then another, then several.

From Redbird: Damn! Fisher is in Boston??🤯

Cam: Congratulations to the new couple, this looks so much fun🥳

Gemma: I see Conrad, I see Taylor, I know Steven, is the Greek god type guy, THE JEREMIAH??😮😮

Benito: Why don’t you go dance so someone else makes the video of you, mon Cherie?

Anika’s muted DM now has 11 texts and she’s still typing.

I make another video and immediately send to her.

Damn! She’s so demanding.

I send her 10 pictures of the ones we took back in our hotel room.

She didn’t say thanks, she sent me 😌😌

I’m on the last glass of wine and feeling a little light headed, and full of Cabernet Bourbon.

I drain the last glass and I think I see double. I am not drunk, just tipsy. I’ll be fine if I don’t try to stand up on my feet immediately and now.

I should join them on the dance floor but I need to pee so bad.

I grab a bottle of water and sip for a while until things start to merge into one again. At this point, the party is like a carnival, just the way Taylor would have wanted it.

Someone pops a bottle of wine frothing as it spills, there is a cheer, everyone is dancing.

The cake looks yummy but I can’t fit anything into my stomach until I’ve had visited the bathroom.

Somehow, I can’t see Jeremiah or Taylor or Steven anymore.

Carefully, I begin to slip off my heels. I might not be drunk but I wouldn’t trust myself to not make a spectacle of myself on heels. I pull off the first heel and put it in a bigger handbag before taking out my comfy, cute, fancy slippers, same as the ones I also got Taylor and mom from Paris.

I yank the second heel from my leg, feeling frustrated. I also just noticed that Denise was missing from the dance floor too and suddenly, everything was annoying.

Just then, someone tapped on my shoulders. I turned, hoping it was Jeremiah checking on me or here to get me like he used to but it isn’t him,

It is his brother.

Conrad.

The smile die on my lips.

“Umm Belly, can we talk?”

Unable to hide my disappointment, I didn’t know when the words slipped out of my tongue.

“And what makes you think I would want to talk to you? Seriously dude, read the room!”

He looked shocked but I didn’t care as I got on my feet, slipped on my slippers,  huffed and stumbled out of the party, searching for the bathroom.

Halfway out, my mother snatched my hands and drew me onto the dance floor with her. For a few minutes, we danced with each other and then my dad and I lost myself in the feeling of family again and the lightness and laughter of it until I laughed too hard and a little pee escaped me.

So I excused myself and practically ran all the way out.

The male bathroom was just before the female one, and as I passed it, I heard the unmistakable voice of Jeremiah and Steven.

I rushed and quickly relieved myself and tiptoed back out to eavesdrop on them.

“Dude, I can’t believe you seriously cut us off like that. We didn’t do anything.”

I heard Steven say.

“That was the point,” came Jeremiah’s measured response. “Nobody ever did anything. If it had been me crashing their wedding everyone would have done something but because it was done to me, it was silence.”

“But we stuck with you after everything went to shits, Taylor and I and Denise and you just iced all of us out. That hurt as hell.”

Jeremiah made a sound like a wince. “Yeah, I am sorry I went that far. You guys really didn’t deserve that but in that moment, it was the best thing for me to have done. I was so broken, and angry and it was the only logical route to go. I felt betrayed by everyone, by your silences….”

Steven was silent for a beat. “I’m so sorry man, I know it must have been really hard for you. I get why you had to do what you did.”

“Not really. I don’t think anyone understands how much it hurt either way; It hurt to stay away from all of my friends and family, missing the the holidays and summers, having to restructure everything about my life including summers, cold Christmases, empty 4th of Julys and it hurt to  stay back, pretending to be fine and being forced to watch them all act like I was wrong from the start, watching them have the life that could have being ours, watching nobody say a word about it.”

“ Fuck! That sucks. Damned if you stay, damned if you leave.”

"I didn’t keep in touch because that would hurt the most. It is like leaving but still bearing the pain of staying.”

“How?”

“Because everyone wants to be the one that takes in the poor, injured, street puppy and nurse it back to health every time but nobody wants to own it and take it off the streets. In the end, I belonged with no one.”

I felt tears sting my eyes at that.

“Jere….” Steven said, sounding so sad.

At the other side of the door, each conversation was ripping me apart. The pain in Jere’s voice had been so raw, so painful, so deep and I caused it.

I heard the movement of them walking towards to door and I slipped back into the female bathroom but kept my ears close to the door.

They got out and into the walkway.

“So what’s next? How long will you be in Boston for?”

“A month for now, I still want to be around my dad.”

”Maybe we could hang out? You know, like old times.”

”That would be nice but right now, my priority is dad.”

“Sure man, sure. I get it. I could come play video games with you if you want.”

Jeremiah started chuckling. “In case you forgot, you will be on your Honeymoon.”

”Oh,” Steven laughed. “Maybe we could visit you in New York or…or plan our vacations together. What do you think.”

”I can’t wait,” Jeremiah said, a boyish joy slipping into his voice.

“My sister has gotten rather close to your dad, don’t you think?” Steven chuckled. “Did you guys ever get a chance to talk?”

Jeremiah didn’t say anything for a beat or two and I strained my ears to hear what he had to say about me, my heart racing.

Then he said, “I never want to speak about Belly,” in a voice so final, so quiet, I felt the dagger right through me.

I stumbled back as my purse fell on the floor, spilling its content; my phone, lipstick, gum, hands fan, little pocket perfume…

Tears ran down my cheeks, as I felt my heart rip itself apart.

I wobbled to the vanity and stared at my reflection. I looked like a train wreck.

I did this, I ruined this with him; our friendship, our trust, our memories, everything. I lost it all over Conrad, over a dream I knew wasn’t real?

On our wedding day, when I had been so sure it was Conrad because arguing with him still made my heart race, he said to me,

“I don’t know how to not love you even now, and that is the worst part.”

And today, “I never want to speak about Belly…”

We went from, “you and I, we will always be good,” to,

“Well, maybe next time, you learn to read the room because I sure as hell do not want to talk to you.”?

He didn’t want to talk to me so bad, he couldn’t even see I looked good? Denise had a great time with him today, she was smiling so much, he must have told her she looked good in seven different languages.

“Belly, I will always come and get you,” and now, I was the last person he wanted to see?

I gripped the countertop until my knuckles turned white as a huge sob tore right out of my chest in giant heaves.

I was suffocating in my grief, choking on a goodbye I never thought I’d ever truly say to him; that I was not ready to say even now.

My heart felt like it was trying to claw its way out of my body. I doubled over as my tears mixed with my mascara and foundation and made a muddy, dark splatter in the sink. 
And I would always remember this, muddy tears mixed with freckles of black; a broken heart’s hemorrhage.

I thought I knew, but now I realized I didn’t.

“You will all find your way back to each other….”

How?

Like this?

How could we, after everything?

On whose expense was that reconciliation supposed to happen?

Susannah lied;

Susannah knew nothing.

She was a fraud.

And now I’ve lost everything for it.

Chapter Text

Later that night, after the wedding, Taylor found me in my hotel room with a cup of steaming cocoa and melted marshmallows. She sat by the edge of the bed where I have buried myself under the sheets trying to pretend like the world outside my grief didn’t exist.

“Drink this, Bellybutton, it will make you feel better.”

I sat up, pulling the sheet off reluctantly.
I accepted the mug, letting the warmth of the cup warm my hands and the steam, my face. I felt cold inside, like everything inside me was frozen.

“Thank you,” I said and took a sip. The heat immediately burned my tongue but it warmed me too, it made me feel something.

“I hope I didn’t ruin your party,” I mumbled apologetically.
“You should be with your newly minted husband right now, not checking up on me.”

She chuckled a little, her eyes concerned and keen on me.
“Well, my newly minted husband and I are pretty worried about you.”
I took another sip of my drink and breathed in the steam. I had texted Taylor that I wasn’t feeling too well after the bathroom eavesdropping and called an Uber to the hotel. I took a hot shower and crawled between the sheets before the heat evaporated from my skin.

She felt my forehead and cheeks with the back of her hands, looking worried. She pushed back a clump of my matted hair I had not bothered to comb after my shower.

“You didn’t run a fever right?”
“A little,” I admitted. “But I am fine now.”

I wasn’t fine and after today, I wasn’t sure I would ever be again but I didn’t tell her that; she knew anyway…

“Scoot over,” she ordered in her, “Taylor knows the truth,” voice and I shifted to the left. The bed didn’t even dip when her petite frame slid in.
I put down the mug by the side of the bed and turned to her, tears suddenly forming in my eyes.

“He hates me so much Tay,” I said to her, cracking. “He will never talk to me again…”

“Oh my Cinderbelly,” she whispered softly. “Come here.”

She opened her arms and I melted against her, the tears in free fall now.

I knew Jere and i didn’t leave on the best terms and that I must have hurt him so bad when I left the way I did and when I probably got back with Conrad but I didn’t expect him to react this way to me.

I have imagined what our reunion would be like for years, when it finally happened and I had planned for a million different scenarios but nothing prepared me for this. This was the one thing I had not seen coming.
Jeremiah had always been there for me, even when it wasn’t the most convenient, even when I wasn’t the most considerate; always patient, always understanding, always giving and now, nothing.
No smiles, no recall, no conversations, no anger, just silence.
I didn’t realize how much I had always relied and expected his constant, steady love until he looked at me and there was nothing on his face to show I was someone he knew, not to mention, someone he used to care about.

“I don’t think he hates you,” I heard Taylor say. “Jeremiah could never really hate anyone. I just think he’s changed….he’s moved on.”

I sobbed harder.
Is this what moving on felt like?
Like hate? Like death?
Is this all I will ever get for the rest of our lives?
The thought of it felt like prickly little flames on my skin and a heavy boulder on my chest. I couldn’t breathe.

“I don’t want him to move on, Tay,” I sobbed. “I want him to say my name like he remembers me, I want to talk to him again. I just…I just miss him so much.”

Taylor rocked me back and forth as I cried, patting my back gently, like a baby.

“What happened to him? Why did he change do much?”

Taylor’s arms tightened around me reflexively, only the sound of my wailing audible in the room.

“What about Conrad?” She finally asked. “You’re still crazy about him, right? You always were.”

“I told you before, we broke up,” I stuttered, surprised. Why was she bringing him up now?

She smiled tightly, as if she didn’t believe me. “For now, but you will get back together with him again and everything is going to be okay again.”

I pulled away from her shocked. “You don’t believe me?”

Suddenly, she looked so exhausted. “Belly, you know I will always be on your side and get you but I have seen this film many before and it always ends the same way. You break up with Conrad, you run to Jeremiah the first chance you get and the moment Conrad comes back, you dump him and leave him brokenhearted.”

I shook my head, feeling the stab of hot tears at the back of my eyes.

“No, that is not true. I would never do that to Jeremiah. I would never hurt him like that. It wasn’t like that.”

“But it was!” She insisted, looking a little more exhausted. “You hurt him in the worst, possible way and you used him for 4 years.”

“What?!” I gaped at her in shock, tears falling down my face again. “Is that what you believe happened?”

“Belly, it is not what I believe or don’t believe, it is what you did and I know it was not your intention to hurt anyone but you did and that is what matters; it is what it is,” she said, not unkindly, her words soft but firm. She took my hands and rubbed soothingly.

“Everyone knows the hold Conrad has on you, and God knows how much I hate it but once that man looks in your direction, it doesn’t matter who you hurt to be with him. You would burn the world down, to keep him warm. Jeremiah had to find out the hard way.”

I was hiccuping now, the pain unbearable.
Was that what I did?
Was that who I was?

“But why didn’t you never say anything to me?” I cried.

She shrugged. “I think I told you enough times. Why did you think I was Team Jellyfish since we were kids? But I would never tell you what to do and to be fair, sometimes, I think you and Conrad should just stick together; everyone is better off that way. You both hurt people you shouldn’t when you are apart and you don’t care.”

“But I do care, I always did. I never meant to hurt anyone.”

“But you did and you still do. Why is it only after you’re broken up that you realize other people exist? Why is it when you are not with him, you want to talk to Jere again? You went three years until you saw him today and now you can’t believe he wouldn’t talk to you?”

My lips were dry as the tears dried up in my eyes. The picture of my patterns and actions that Taylor was painting to me was horrible. I was a horrible person.

“He blocked me,” I defended weakly.

She looked at me with eyes that said, “as if that has ever stopped you before…” and looked away.

“I don’t think Jeremiah is the person you need, and it is not fair to drag him back again into you and Conrad’s mess anymore. Just get back with Conrad and you will be fine.”

I stared at Taylor, dumbfounded beyond words. For the first time, she was not agreeing with me and why would she? We have been in these exact situations many times before where I said one thing and did the other. I did not blame her at all for losing all trust and faith in me.

What was it my therapist said once,
“You act like your words mean nothing.”

I had kept away from Jeremiah not because I didn’t want to talk to him, but because I felt like I had to give him up, like I did not have to hold on to him.
Adam said there was a whole world out there for me beyond his sons and I had been trying to find it but seeing Jeremiah again, it hit me so hard; the longing for him was like a living thing gnawing under my skin.
I wanted to talk to him, to touch him, to be near him, not because of Susannah, or the summer house or because he was a Fisher but because he was Jeremiah.

Just Jeremiah.

When he had been standing at the altar, I hadn’t even noticed Conrad at all. Conrad was looking at me, I was looking at Jeremiah and Jeremiah was looking nonchalant.

“Conrad and I are done,” I said to her with conviction.

She scoffed at me.
“Does Conrad know that? I saw the way he looked at you,” then she took a closer look at me. “Do you believe you?”

I was no longer crying, I no longer felt pity for myself and it wasn’t because I felt better; it was because I felt ashamed and guilty. How could I have been the person that hurt people and got to cry like a victim for their reactions?

Taylor invited me for breakfast with everyone downstairs the next morning before she bade me a good night.
I did not have a good night at all, o barely slept a wink before it was morning and time for breakfast.

Everyone was there; mom, dad, Denise, Halmeoni , Lucinda everyone except Jeremiah and Adam. I greeted everyone and made my way to a seat against the heavy lump in my stomach.

A few minutes later, Conrad showed up, hair still wait and slid in beside me.
“Hey Belly, how are you?”

Taylor gave me a side eye and looked away. I felt a lump shutter my throat shut.

“Go away Conrad,” I managed, buttering my toast, to distract from the fact that my hands were shaking.
Maybe I was a Conrad addict and was having withdrawal symptoms but I knew for sure that I would grit my teeth and power through this phase until I was free.

He looked at me sad and a little confused.
“I miss you Belly and I just want you to know that I will never stop fighting for us no matter what it takes.”

I looked at him and he looked so determined, so sure, like nothing I could say could convince him.

“There is no us,” I said weakly. “I don’t want you anymore….”
Moving on would be better if he could just go away and never come back.

He looked at me, his eyes boring into mine. “I don’t believe you.”

Suddenly, a wave a nausea hit me so hard, I lost my appetite. I abandoned my toast and stood up, unable to breathe from the bile crawling up my throat and burning my chest. I hated the smell of the shampoo in his stupid, wet hair. I had been so obsessed with his hair as a kid, now, it was just hair; normal, boring, basic, without character.
And it was not curly either.

“Where are you going?” Steven asked, looking up, concerned.

“Bean, you’ve barely had anything,” mom said.

“My room,” I said to them. “I am no longer hungry.”
I studiously avoided looking at Taylor or Conrad.

“No wonder she looks like a fig,” Halmeoni teases. “You need to eat more dear…”

I nodded and smiled and maybe I joked about how models ate even less, I can’t remember; my head was a mess.

Back in my room, I booked the next available flight to Paris.
By morning the next day, I was at the airport hugging my dad goodbye. I told Taylor and Steven the night before, Conrad had no idea.

——————————————————————————

The next time I saw Jeremiah was 4 months later, in July that year. Mom had a new book Launch: A Basket of Wishes.
She did it at the University of Philadelphia and it was a big deal.
Everyone came.
Except Jeremiah.

Conrad was no longer as close to his dad as he used to, but he still maintained his relationship with my mom. Steven said he hasn’t been around much since we broke up but he still came around when mom needed him.
Mom said she sent both him and Jere an invite but Jeremiah declined.

“He has changed so much,” she had said so wearily, so mournfully and it took me by surprise that she even noticed at all.

After she visited me in Paris, we haven’t talked much about him again, just tids and bits of gossip; I guess everyone had the weight of their blames in gold to bear.

“I read Cleveland’s last book, Distorted. His main character’s favorite restaurant was Casa de Miah,” I told her. “Did you know about that?”
Casa de Miah, that was the name of Jeremiah’s restaurant.

“Yeah,” she laughed. “I was at a writer’s conference last year in New York and I took a group of my writer friends there. They loved it. What Jeremiah did there is nothing short of spectacular. I like it more than the one in Boston.”
I knew about Cleveland’s book because when I got back to Paris, I sunk back into my old habit of stalking Jeremiah Fisher. I had my Google alerts turned on for news of him and every single day, there was something new.
Reviews about the restaurants were always amazing. It was even listed in several blogs as one of the Ten Best Things about New York City.

“Why?” I had asked her…

She shrugged. “Nothing wrong with the food or service, it was just warmer in New York.”

Warmer because…

“Did you see Jeremiah?” I asked, hoping I looked as unbothered as I was trying to sound.

“Yes, I did. He was as warm and friendly as I remember him and he gave my friends a treat.”

“Did you guys talk?”

“A little, just the usual stuff. He is a lot more quiet these days,” she said, a little sadly.

The launch was a huge success; it was the story of a Coal boy who survived the Titanic and took on the identity of the son of one of the wealthy patrons who died at sea.

I got two copies; one for myself and an extra for a lucky friend, maybe Gemma or Benito. I was tired of dodging Conrad so I told him if he didn’t stop bothering me, I’d file a restraining order against him.
He slinked away after that.

“So, what’s the plan for your birthday?” Taylor asked flopping on the couch beside me. Steven was somewhere talking with dad and mom was signing off on her books.
Marriage looked good on Taylor, she looked peaceful, and happy. I wondered if I would have been the same if….

“I don’t know, I have not really thought about it,” I told her, flipping through the book. Mom got a new publisher. I hoped these ones payed better.

“Really? Your last year before you’re officially in your mid twenties and you have no plans? Come on Belly, don’t be like that.”

I picked at the skin around my thumb finger with a wry smile.
Sometimes, it is hard to believe that I am only 24. I feel like I have lived several lifetimes in such a short time.

“I still have a few days left. I could buy a cake and celebrate with mom and dad or I could just visit Cousins. I miss it.”

“Umm, nope. You’re turning 24 not dying at 24, why so depressing?”

I laughed a little. Taylor always had a way of making me laugh, like….

I shook my head to dispel the thought of him. I didn’t want to think of him right now. It hurt too much to.

“Well, Little, Miss Sunshine, if you make a plan for me, I will follow.”

She squealed like I just announced Christmas came early.

“For real? You promise?”

I nodded. “Cross my heart, hope to die.”

She extended her little finger, “pinky swear?”

I linked my finger with hers, “pinky swear. Now what do you have?”

She cleared her throat a little nervously. “So, I have this client I’m supposed to meet in New York tomorrow and I was hoping we could go together. I haven’t been to New York before and it will be fun to experience it with you.”

I opened my mouth and closed it several times; there was a sudden, dull throb at the back of my head.

“I have never being to New York either,” I murmured.

“Oh my God!! It’s going to be so much fun. It will be like old times,” she squealed, squeezing my hands in excitement.
“We are going to visit the Empire State Building, the Time Square….”

Her voice faded away as I wondered if she remembered what else was there to see in New York. The article on the best places to visit in New York flashed in my head and number 7 was “Casa de Miah.”
I wondered if she had read that article too.

“We will take so many pictures, and videos,” her voice faded back into focus.
“And you will make those cool reels you do on Instagram. I loved the one you did of my wedding. Isn’t this the best thing ever?”

“Yes, absolutely the best. I can’t wait. Yay.” I said, feigning excitement while inside, I was wrecked by fright.
I associated people with places:
Philly was mom and dad.
Boston was Steven and Taylor.
Cousins was Susannah and the boys.
Finch was Jeremiah and Taylor.
Paris was me.
California was Conrad.
New York was Jeremiah.
My palms were sweaty.

——————————————————————————

Taylor’s meeting was a breeze. She wasn’t nervous at all. She was to teach a class on the Psychology of a Growth Mindset to a group of First Year students in NYU in August.
Afterwards, we had the rest of the day and night to ourselves.

We visited the sights and then we got hungry and without thinking, I suggested Casa de Miah.

“It has really great reviews on TripAdvisor,” I said quickly.

“Isn’t that Jeremiah’s restaurant?” She asked, a little confused.

I had hoped to be sleek, hoping she didn’t know it was called that. That was why I called it that, instead of just saying, Jeremiah’s restaurant.

“Yeah, it is,” I confirmed.

“Ummm… Are you sure we should do that?” She asked, warily.

“Oh sure, totally. I am just curious about the place plus, I brought my camera. I am trying to get really nice shots of New York.”

That was partly true. My views on Instagram and TikTok had been steadily growing. I had accidentally stumbled upon a Niche as an explorer. My first reel had been a montage of footages from Cousins which I titled, “Summers were always golden.”

For a dominantly dormant account, it had earned me my first 10k views in a week. That was about a year ago. Now, it was more than half a million and I had 800k followers. My aesthetic was jazz and the vibe was curious 70s.

The other reason, the real one, was that I was dying to see Jeremiah again. I associated places with people and New York was Jeremiah. It wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t see him.

“Okay, if you say so,” she finally relented.

Our outfits were chic, we were both wearing black boots. I got my phone and told her to hail a cab.
She did and in a few minutes, a yellow car slowed to a stop. I made a video of that.
I slipped my phone into my handbag and went in after her.
The restaurant wasn’t far from the Times Square.
It was not hard to locate at all.

“Casa de Miah”

“Wow!” I heard Taylor behind me. “It looks so amazing….”

She got out her phone and took a picture. Then she handed it to me ran to the front.

“Take a picture of me, I need to send to Steven.”

I took her phone and made some quicks adjustment of the settings and took several shots, making sure the name at the top showed, before handing her back her phone.

“Don’t you want me to take you?” She asked looking up from the pictures on her phone. I shook my head. She went back to looking at the pictures.

“These are really nice stills, you’re really good at this stuff, Belly.”

“Thanks, I have had a lot of practice,” I replied, blushing. I followed some huge accounts with the best aesthetics. People think you can only tell a story with the arrangement and beat of your videos or pictures or the music but I think color, lighting and style tells a more subtle but enduring tale.

I got out my camera and waved her to step out of the frame.
“I will just make a few videos of the front and the streets now.”

“Let’s take a selfie,” she said when I was done and we did.

I made more videos than I really wanted because suddenly, I was afraid to go into the restaurant, to face him again, after the disaster that was the last time.
What if he ignored me again?
Or worse, what if he ignored the both of us because of me?
My heart was beating fast and my palms were sweaty. So sweaty, I quickly put both my camera and phone into my bag before they slip out of my slippery hands on the pavement.

“Ready?” Taylor asked.

I wish I could chicken out right now but we were here and maybe, hopefully, he was not on duty today, after all, he was a big wig and his restaurants were doing well. I even read somewhere that he was considering opening in New Hampshire.

I dried my palm on my skirt and took a deep breath.

“Ready.”

Holding hands, we stepped into the restaurant, my heart in my throat.

The first person we saw was Jeremiah.

——————————————————————————
A whimper escaped my lips as soon as I saw him, my feet frozen in place. He was backing us, but his broad shoulders filled his shirt with the sleeves rolled up his arms. He was talking to a staff on uniform.

I looked across to Taylor and she was looking around the restaurant in wonder.

“Oh my goodness! Belly! This place is so fucking amazing… it is giving bourgeois and homely at the same time. Fuck! Jeremiah is a genius. This is the sort of place I never want to leave…”

We were still standing and I was feeling self conscious now. I pulled her to a seat by the corner.
She got out her phone and started clicking away.
She wasn’t wrong, the restaurant had a rich but warm vibe, it was the sort of place that made you feel important to be eating there, yet it was unpretentious. The tables had sunflowers in a case, the lighting was low but bright enough to lend a soft, alluring, bespoke warmth to your pictures.
I would know because I was already taking them.

Just then, a well dressed waiter came over with the menu.
The food looked delicious and a little pricey but they looked worth it.

“What should we do first? Wine or food?”
She asked.

“Jeremiah is here!” I blurted out and from the corner of my eyes, I saw his back stiffen. I felt my breath hold.
Fuck! Fuck!!
I had meant to say wine. Luckily, Taylor hasn’t seen him yet or maybe she did not recognize him from the back. I would recognize that man by smell if my eyes were covered and my ears blocked. I would recognize him by touch, and taste; I would recognize him asleep, unconscious.

Taylor laughed and continued talking to the waiter. She ordered for drinks for us, while I watched Jeremiah straighten his back and turn.

He took my breath away….
I couldn’t look away.
The last time I had seen him, he was in a suit, today, his shirt was rolled up his sleeves, giving me a full display of his well toned, beautiful forearm. He looked so much in control here, like he owned the oxygen in that room, like it was his kingdom.
He was so hot, it was almost criminal and the way I was turning pink right there.

Fuck! Fuck!!
His eyes widened in surprise. He blinked like he thought he was dreaming and then I saw what I thought was the beginning of a smile and my heart beat faster.
It wasn’t a smile.
His face shuttered into a frown as he made for our table.

I don’t think he noticed Taylor was in the room because the waiter was blocking her or maybe everything else had faded into the background for him like it did for me and he could only see me.

I hoped he could only see me. I only saw him.

“Belly?” He said my name, tentatively, hesitant, unsure, like it was a word he long forgot how to say.
“What are you doing here?”

“Jeremy!” Taylor half screamed in excitement. He turned in her direction and blinked, as if reorienting himself.

“Taylor?” He looked relieved to see her.

“Damn! Your place is amazing,” she started talking, unable to hold in her excitement. She looked so proud. “I’m going to give it a 5 star just for the vibe alone. I feel like royalty just sitting down here. I love the experience, like oh my freaking God!”

His face broke into a huge smile, “oh my God! Taylor, this is such a nice surprise, what are you doing in New York? It’s so good to see you.”

She was out of her seat in a blur and they hugged, laughing.

Watching them twisted my stomach in ways I didn’t know possible.
Once again, I felt that cloud of invisibility on me. I felt my chest clench and unclench, and I pretended to get busy with the menu to hide the fact that my smile was false.

He had looked at me with a frown, he couldn’t stop hugging Taylor and laughing.
I used to be the best friend, not her.

“It’s so good to see you too,” she was telling him. “I had a meeting at NYU earlier this morning and then we spent most of the day exploring New York and then, Belly suggested we try your restaurant.”

I looked up as I heard my name. They were both looking at me now. Taylor couldn’t stop the huge grin on her face, Jeremiah’s own looked like a grimace now.

This was the effect I had on him now, this was my legacy; a grimace.

“Hi!” I quipped, my voice unexpectedly high pitched. I saw Taylor frown an inch. I quickly cleared my throat.

“Ummm….you have a really nice place, been meaning to try it for a while now.”

His frown turned deeper, I wanted to melt into my seat.
I felt like an awkward teenager talking to her very hot, very popular, very cool crush for the first time and blowing it instead of my childhood best friend and boyfriend of four years and fiancé.
Sorry, scratch that.
Ex-childhood best friend.
Ex-boyfriend.
Ex-fiancé.

It was never supposed to be like this, if things had worked out like they were meant to, I would be living in New York with him, not visiting.
I would be his sous chef not an intruder crashing his party in the middle of a lazy day in July
And he would have probably taken the day off to be with me because today was my birthday but instead, here I was playing attaché to my best friend.

I should be getting kissed right now, and losing all sense of time and speech from extreme, multiple orgasms, not getting scowled at but here we are because one night, I remembered that I had brown eyes and brown hair and would always love Conrad Fisher.
I cringe when I remember that night. At that time, it had felt so profound, now, it made me feel like getting my head checked again.

“Thank you,” he said quietly, not convinced. Then he looked at Taylor and his expression eased up. I felt the pain in my stomach. I wanted to leave, I wasn’t welcome here but I stayed put and focused on the menu once again.

“Have you guys ordered?”

“Just wine. We haven’t decided on a dish yet. As the chef in residence, what do you suggest we try?”

“This is an Italian restaurant, you know that, right?”

My ears perked up but I didn’t look up.

“I knew it!” Taylor exclaimed dramatically. “I knew Casa de Miah wasn’t English.”

Jeremiah was laughing now, his head thrown back, his shoulders shaking. It was a rich sound, a quiet, rich one, filled with a lightness I had not experienced since the last time he told me a joke.
Taylor caught me looking and made a face. I looked away, my face burning.

“It is definitely not English,” he finally said and slid into a seat. He was close to me but his attention was on Taylor. Once close, I took a secret, deep whiff of his cologne. He smelt clean and spicy, like something that would taste good on the tongue. My tongue.

“It means The House of Miah, isn’t it?” I said and he turned and looked at me. The force of his eyes on me left my mouth dry and me, a little panicky.
There was something about this Jeremiah that was familiar and new at the same time. He was still Jere from years ago but he was also Miah now, a cute tanned boy running an Italian restaurant in the heart of New York.
Now, there was a new guardedness in his eyes that I had never noticed before, a silent wariness to his smile, a little hesitancy in his warmth.
Here now, was a man who asked, no, demanded attention, who asked for his due, who thought in loops, who had to be impressed.
I wanted to impress him.

“Yeah,” he said. “How did you know that?”

I felt a flush of warmth creep up my neck. “Umm… I used to d- know! I used to know this French guy whose family were Italians. I picked up a little Italian and Spanish from him.”

“Oh nice,” he nodded, his eyes boring into me. I felt flustered.

Just then, our drinks appeared and I hid my face behind my glass, I needed the coolness to calm my nerves. I could see Taylor hiding a smirk.

“Order for us,” she urged him. “We want something nice, something delicious, something that says, “this is Casa de Miah!”

He was chucking. “Now, that is a lot of pressure, don’t you think?”

“I believe in you,” Taylor grinned and took a sip of her wine.

I was jealous of their easy banter, their rekindled friendship. I felt like an interloper, I felt wordless.
Somethings you never know you have until you lose them or some things you never think you would lose until they are gone and suddenly you can’t function right.

“Excuse me guys, I need to use the rest room,” Taylor said, standing up. Jeremiah pointed her in the direction of the restroom. I wanted to follow her but I also wanted to stay.
After Jeremiah made the orders, we sat in silence, waiting.
The silence felt like sandpaper on my skin, but he was unbothered by it. He wasn’t even looking at me.

“So, why Italian? You’ve never been there.”

He looked at me, his expression unreadable. “Actually, I have. I was there two years ago in a small town in Northern Italy called Modena. I have always been drawn to the culture and language.”

“Oh,” I said, my voice quiet and humbled. “I didn’t know that.”

He looked at me with a slight furrowing of his brows. “Of course you don’t. There is so much you don’t know.”

He didn’t say it callously but it hurt anyway. He wasn’t trying to be rude or friendly, he was just polite.
The kind of polite you reserve for a friend of a friend you have never met before. His unaffectedness and lack of reaction was suffocating me. I didn’t know how to deal with him, how to cope with this version of him.
I was always so in tune with Jeremiah emotionally and mentally, I could almost tell what he was thinking just by looking at his face, now, he was just a stranger.
It was killing me.

“You did not order any drinks for yourself?”

“I don’t drink on duty except I’m home,” he said casually.

“It seems you don’t drink at parties either. You only drank water at Taylor’s wedding.”

He looked at me like he was surprised that I noticed that.

“Yeah, in public generally, not at home.”

“Why?”

He reached a hand over his neck and squeezed like he was stressed. He wouldn’t meet my eyes. I didn’t care. This was the most we have spoken in 3 years, I felt grateful.

“I don’t know, maybe it is because the worst decisions of my life have been when I was drunk?”

I winced at that. I knew what he meant; Lacie, Cabo. That night at the party, the slap, me crying and throwing up.
It all seems so dramatic abd theatrical now that I thought of it, given the context of time and distance.

“It wasn’t the same thing, Jere…” I said softly.

“Now, you’re telling me?” He asked, the first sign of expression on his face. He was upset.

The guilt was immediate and swift. I had told everyone he cheated even after I told him I understood it wasn’t. I told Conrad he cheated and made a mistake which I forgave him for. It had all been a lie; I told him I forgave him but deep down, I was mad and bitter that anyone else ever touched him the way I did. I was young and stupid, I should have known better.

“I am so sorry Jere,” I said, my voice cracking. “I am sorry for everything. I got a lot of things wrong and I hurt you. I never meant to hurt you.”

His expression was stark and unmoved.
“It doesn’t matter, Belly. It’s all in the past, I have moved on. You should too.”

Tears stung my eyes.

“Jere, it’s not…it was not…I just…” he watched me struggle, not saying a word.

“Can we please just talk about it? I just want to talk about it.”

“Why?” He asked, looking at me in disbelief. “You want to tell me why you lied to me for years? Why I spent all those years pouring into you and losing myself? You were my best friend and it took you nothing to hurt me in the worst possible way. You want to tell me why I meant so little to you?”

He just kept listing the things and wouldn’t stop. It was like I poked too hard and now everything was pouring out.

“Jere, it was not like that, you were enough. I just-“

“You just what? Loved Conrad more? He was the sun for you right? I gave you so many opportunities to be honest, to leave but you kept coming back, and then you ran off to Paris, now you are here again wanting to talk, like you are any better now than you were then.”

“Ahh, Jere,” I gasped, his words piercing my heart. “this is a bit too harsh.”

All of his indifference was only masking his rage. He was furious but not in a way to demand that what was broken be fixed but in the way you are angry at something you are letting go or thrashing something that still works but annoys you. The way you would throw out a favorite shirt burnt by an iron or that no longer fit.

“I am not trying to be cruel or unkind, I want you to stop poking at me, I want you to leave me alone!”

“But I miss you!” I blurted out. “I missed you for months, Jere so much!”

“Oh my God!” He groaned, his eyes widening. “All these years, you haven’t changed one bit.”

“What are you saying?” I blinked at him, confused.

“I didn’t see it until months later. You and Conrad are so alike….Both of you don’t know how to let things go. You don’t care what you have to say or do to get what you want. Conrad knows just where to hit to cause you the most pain. You are like a shark circling for blood. The first sign of bleeding and vulnerability, you attack. No wonder you both fit so well,” he hissed.

I was gasping for air, trying my hardest not to burst into tears. His words were deserved but hearing them from him was the cruelest punishment.
He used to be mine, now I disgusted him.
I know I asked for a conversation but this was not what I had envisaged. I needed Taylor to come back right now or I would start bawling my eyes out any moment.

“Conrad and I are no longer together, we didn’t work out. I am nothing like him.”

He paused when I said that, then he said, “no wonder you see me now…”

I felt a rush of bile up my throat, filling my mouth with bitterness.
My therapist said I held so much back but maybe I wasn’t doing it intentionally; maybe I just never stopped to consider my actions and its effect on others; maybe I didn’t know.

“Jere, I’m so sorry. I-“

“It doesn’t matter, Belly. I have made my peace with everything. Your apologies can’t fix anything…. There is no version of this where you waltz back in, give a little apology and pick up from where you stopped. Where you stopped was the end of the road.”

I blinked back tears, my lips trembling, little, shaky whimpers puffing out of me.

“I thought we were friends,” I said, my voice small, sniffing.

He looked away from me. “So did I but I guess we were both wrong.” He looked suddenly uncomfortable and maybe even a little panicked.

“Let me go check on your food, excuse me,” he said and beat a quick escape from me, shoulder tense, steps quick.

I stared at his retreating back, watched him turn into a corner and shut the door, never looking back and I felt like my heart shattered to pieces. He wasn’t nonchalant to punish me, I simply had no place in his life anymore.
And that, was the worst realization of all.
There was nothing to fix or repair, nothing to apologize for, just regret and memories.

This is the kind of loss that leaves no tears to grieve it. You just feel the blood rushing in your ears like a storm, every sound coming from a distance. You feel your chest sink in your stomach and your throat closes up.
You are not crying but your nose is running. You are not dying but you’ve stopped breathing.

Taylor came back to the table and knew right away.

“Should we ask them to pack our meals in takeouts?”

I shook my head. “No, let’s eat.”

And we did.
It was delicious.
Food always had a way of calming me down, especially delicious ones, delicious ones made by Jere but this one felt like a last supper.
I lingered on the dish, I ate in bits, I savored it, letting the flavor stay on my tongue…
It was a taste of heaven, earned and savored for the pain of my own doing…

Jeremiah didn’t come back to our table until we were done and ready to go. He met us outside with two branded bags from his restaurant.

He looked tired but his mask but back in place. He handed us the paper bags and it was heavy. He had ordered takeouts for us to go home with.

“This one is on the house, since you insisted on paying for your meal.”

“Awww, Jeremy, you’re still so sweet. Thank you so much for such a lovely dinner. I’m going to rave about this place for days…”

“You’re welcome Tay Tay,” he said with a wink.

“Thank you, Jere…” I said.

“You’re welcome,” he replied.

He waited for us to get a cab and then turned back to his restaurant. The sight of his back turned, the thought that this could possibly be the last time I would ever see him or talk to him again, made me panic.

“Jere, wait up!”

He stopped. I jogged over to him, panting a little. I stopped in front of him.

I handed him my second copy of mom’s book.

“I thought you should have this,” I told him.

He accepted graciously, “Thank you.”

We said nothing else, just stood together in awkward silence. I was hoping for him to say more, he was waiting for me to leave.

“I don’t want to leave it like this, Jere… I just…I just feel like I have to say or do something. I don’t want to forget about us, the way we used to be.”

He gave a rueful smile and shook his head.

“Belly, there is no us; there is nothing to do or say and that guy you miss so much, he doesn’t exist anymore.”

As if it couldn’t get any worse. I felt the sting of tears.

“So what? This is it? This is the end? You said you would always come and get me, you said you would never stop loving me….”
I was crying now.

“I guess you were not the only telling lies that day….”

“What do you want me to do now? What am I supposed to do after this?!” I sobbed pathetically, gripping his gift like a lifeline. My knees were weak, my feet wobbled on the walkway.

His expression cracked and he stepped back as if to shield himself from me.

“Just leave me alone, forget the past ever happened. Forget about me, I deserve to have that.”

“Jere please-“

“No Belly, don’t.” he said, his voice now rough and hollow.

“Just listen to me this once when I tell you to leave me alone. Everything happened for a reason and maybe this is where the road ends for us.”

I was dashing the tears off my face with the back of my eyes.

“Jere-“

He backed further away.

“Happy birthday Bells. Bye.”

He fucking remembered my birthday, of course he did.

He turned and disappeared into the restaurant, he didn’t turn back.

Once in our hotel room, Taylor unloaded the packages and there was a little, cute box of a slice of a blueberry filled, chocolate glazed cake with a short note.

“Peace will find you ahead.”

-Casa de Miah

“I can’t believe he still found a way to make your birthday special,” she observed quietly.

I turned my face to the wall and closed my eyes.
There was no peace in a future where the only boy I ever looked at and saw the past, present and future in his eyes, wasn’t in it.

I knew that now.

And it seemed I have run out of time.

Chapter Text

I had been attending therapy once in a month after I broke up with Conrad but after that incident with Jere in New York, I signed up for twice in a week.

“Therapy is like your friend,” my therapy said to me. “It shouldn’t tell you what to do but it would tell you what you’re doing, help you understand why and hold your hands until you figure it out. Therapy is the friend that helps you figure it out.”

Therapy sounds a lot like Taylor Madison Jewel and Jeremiah Fisher.
Therapy sounds a lot like all the times Jeremiah had been there for me and being a guiding light.

The relationship and breakup with Conrad nearly ended me; I lost everything that made me proud of myself, my spot on the volleyball team, my captaincy and then Jere and Taylor pushed me to go back.
And then the injury that ended my career, they helped me get through it.
And how I thrived and bloomed in Finch, it was them, not mom, not Conrad and certainly not Susannah.
Conrad has never seen me at my worst. He didn’t know me when I was a loser and failing my classes or injured with no prospects.
All he knew was the Summer Belly, the one that thought he was the sun, the one that waited for him to shine on her, to be worthy, that needed to be pretty enough to be considered enough, the one that needed him to see her.

And Jere poured into me until he was empty. Now that I can recognize my own patterns and behaviors, I have begun to connect my actions and decisions with the effect it had on people around me, even the ones that weren’t obvious.
For example, Jere signed up to transfer to his new major long before the Spring Semester but after Spring Break , something changed.

I noticed he wasn’t so focused in school anymore; so badly that he didn’t know that his credits didn’t transfer to the new major, earning himself an extra semester, he missed some of his classes to spend time with me and even began to prioritize frat activities over me.

This was after Spring break, after he found out about my secret Christmas with Conrad.
We were young and young people make mistakes but I do not believe Jeremiah became so suddenly careless that he missed an email. The Jeremiah that handled Susannah’s medical bills and insurance all by himself, would never be that careless.

I think he was distracted the whole year and it is one straight line to the day he discovered my secret rendezvous with Conrad.

Jeremiah was already falling apart, long before Cabo, long before Conrad showed up and ruined everything with my help and it never occurred to me to ask why.
I have known that boy since we were kids but somehow, I missed the biggest sign of him breaking down.
I also didn’t notice Steven struggling after that first summer or that Jeremiah cut him and Taylor off.
I had developed the singular skill of living in a bubble of my ignorant fantasies.

I didn’t want to be that person anymore; I didn’t want to hurt people anymore.

My therapist and I had long, deep and eye opening conversations during my session and let me say, self awareness sucks but it also made me feel better and braver.
For the first time, it felt like I was steering the course of my own life, like my life belonged to me.

I kept in touch in Taylor and Steven and my parents, even Adam except Conrad and Jeremiah.
I had Conrad blocked everywhere, Jeremiah had me blocked everywhere.

As September approached though, I started to get nervous.
Even though he wanted me to stay away, Jeremiah still gave me something for my birthday, I wanted to do something for him too.
Something light and thoughtful. I didn’t want to overwhelm him but also, I wanted him to know he was in my thoughts even now.

In the end, I got him an beautiful Sicilian-inspired designed vintage coffee maker, the Bialetti Moka pot, first designed in the early 1930s. Italians loved that stuff.
And then, I framed a photo I took of the front of his restaurant when Taylor and I visited. I had stood at the other side of the road when I took the picture and I speed-blurred the traffic, the trees and the people walking in front so that when you saw the picture, you could see that there were movements around but the only thing in focus was the restaurant building.
It looked like a movie poster.

I dated and signed it off with my initials in very tiny letters.

Then I wrote him a letter, my first to him;

“Adventure is worthwhile in itself; here is to another year of fabulous adventures.
Susannah would be so proud of you.”

- Bells.

I didn’t want to use Isabel Conklin or Belly.
I was Bells to him, his Bells.

I wrapped each gift individually and placed them in the order I wanted him to open them.
Last minute, I threw in a leather bound, French cookbook because deep inside, a part of me was still haunted by the Paris adventures we never went on and I wanted him to know I would have wanted that with him. I wanted him to know that I still thought of him, in very French ways…..

I sent the gifts out in the middle of September, keeping my fingers crossed he received them on his birthday. I made a little request that it be delivered on or after his birthday.

Jeremiah’s postcard came in November.

“Dear Belly,

I didn’t know letter correspondences were still a thing in the 21st century. It was such a delightful surprise when I got yours and I am even more delighted to be writing back.
This is my first ever letter.

Thank you for your gifts; all of them. They were so kind and thoughtful. I loved the international vibe of the contents; an Italian, vintage, coffee machine, a French cook book, a framed photo of a city in America. I loved them.

Be well…

Jeremiah Fisher.”

I picked the letter after work and held it all the way home like something so precious, the wind would want it too.

It was longer than I expected but it was also shorter than I would have wanted.
I laughed a little at him saying it was his first letter and teared up at the sign off. I wish it was longer, I wish he wrote to tell me about the things he was doing and places he was going and people he was meeting. I wished he would tell me about his life now.
Maybe I could write him another letter. That was the only way I could communicate with him anyway.

I sent him a postcard for Christmas with a set of the Chinese Xishi ceramic mug set.

“Merry Christmas Jere,
It is snowing today and the street is busy.
I am in a cafeteria sipping coffee and yesterday, I tried escargot a second time.
I still don’t like it but it is not as bad as it was the first time. Maybe it is because now, I know what to expect.
How is your Christmas going?
I hope you have a good one.

- Bells”

He never wrote me back.

Taylor says mom hosted a big Christmas party and invited everyone.
Everyone made it; even Adam and Steven, everyone except Jeremiah.
He hasn’t visited home for Christmas in three years.

I didn’t write him another letter.
—————————————————————————
The next time I saw Jeremiah, was for mom’s 50th birthday.
She held it in Boston, at Casa de Miah. I was surprised she did.

“Jere has been declining all my invitations so I decided to bring the party to him. If Mohammed will not go to the mountain, the mountain will come to Mohammed.”

Though mom would not say it to me, I knew she missed Jeremiah too. Mom was a shower, not a talker and choosing to host her big, silver birthday dinner at his restaurant was her way of showing how proud of she was. It was her own way of reaching out.
Plus, it was also added visibility because with the success of her last book, mom was becoming gossip worthy. The other day, I saw her face on a tabloid.

“Reclusive New York Best Selling Author takes a walk to celebrate the beginning of Summer…”

Like, what kind of headline is that even?
Mom laughed and laughed until she fell out of her seat when she saw it.

Conrad showed up with, ‘a friend,’ for whatever reason. Her name was Avril, she worked in the Oncology unit and she seemed to be more interested in Jeremiah than her date which annoyed Conrad and I for different reasons.

Jeremiah was a little lighter, his laughter came more easily. He almost seemed like his normal self; warm, happy, easy in his own skin.
He joked with Adam, teased mom, bantered with Steven and needled Taylor and he wouldn’t stop calling dad, Professor Conklin and making up silly questions to ask him about his classes.
He was a little warmer to me than Conrad; he smiled politely when I asked him a question, he looked at me when I called his name and he laughed when I teased Steven. For a moment, I let myself believe that nothing had changed, that we were back to the family we used to be.

I understood why mom said New York was warmer than Boston; the difference was Jere. He always made everything better, I missed that. I think everyone missed him.

Conrad said little but then, he’s always said little.
One time, his fingers brushed mine as we reached for the salt shaker at the same time and he smiled at me. I shuddered in revulsion.

“Is your food not salted enough?” Jeremiah asked me which surprised me because he never addressed me directly but maybe he was just asking for feedback on his dish.

“No, no. It’s totally fine. It’s just that I developed a stronger Palette in France, but this is fine.”

His eyes lingered on me a little longer and when I met his gaze, I felt a bolt of electricity run through me, startling me.
I missed him so much and in a way, I hated that I did this much when I couldn’t ever do anything about it.
My feelings were a crime scene, better left uninvestigated.

He looked away and started talking to Avril and asking about her job and I felt the jealousy twist in my guts.
He hadn’t replied my letter at Christmas, that still stung.

At the dinner table, mom asked everyone to share a news they thought was worth celebrating.

Mom wanted to celebrate her silver birthday and the success of her last book which was now a New York Bestseller. Her new publishers were amazing and she was in talks with Netflix on its adaption into motion picture.
I was so proud of mom.

Dad just published a new research which was getting so many accolades from his peers. He was also listed as one of the speakers at the International Climate Summit in Amsterdam.
I told him I would be there…

Adam said he got a clean bill of health from his doctors and his sons were healthy and doing very well. He finally decided to get himself a dog and he would name it Russian Roulette. And also, his company made the tax cut list.

Conrad was finally done with his residency and got offers in Baltimore and the University of California but he really liked California.

Steven and Denise’s company was doing so well, better than well and they just got another investor in the bag so they were thinking of expanding and he was happy to be married to the love of his life, Taylor.

He kissed her and I looked at Jeremiah. He had a bitter-sweet look on his face. He seemed to sense my eyes on him and looked my way. I turned away quickly, my ears burning.

Avril wanted to celebrate the success of her last patient’s chemotherapy. His name was Roland Fitzgerald, 45 with two kids and a wife, a teacher. He was declared cancer free yesterday.
Mom and Jere teared up a little.

The table was silent for a few moments after that before Taylor cleared her throat.

“My turn!”

She wanted to celebrate everyone on that table and their successes. It would be hers and Steven’s first year anniversary next month and she wanted to celebrate that. The gig with NYU had been successful and then she announced that she and I had news.

I told Jere to go next because I wanted to be last.
He nodded.
He already started making moves to open his third restaurant in New Hampshire and he was invited on a cooking show with Gordon Ramsey which would start filming in April.
Everyone applauded; I was smiling so hard.

“Your mom would be so proud of you,” mom said to him.
And he nodded, looking red in the face. I wanted to hold his hands and squeeze tight like we used to do but I no longer had that right.
Taylor did it. I smiled at her in gratitude.

When it was my turn, I announced that Taylor and I were opening our own PR firm targeted at social media client profiles and content strategies and I would be moving back to the US by the end of the year if everything worked out.

Mom was ecstatic, dad was excited. Adam looked personally proud.

“Allow me the honor of being your first client,” he said to me and I was so stunned, I almost cried.

“Thank you,” I said gratefully.

“My agent says social media is a goldmine for writers, with this new Bookgram and Booktok thing and since I never really got a hang of Instagram I’ll be grateful if you could take it off my hands.”

“Oh my God!” Taylor gushed. “Cinderbelly, that’s two clients!”
Then she turned to them, looking stern.
“You guys know this is not for free right?”

Adam chuckled, “you can’t owe this one money.”

Mom rolled her eyes, “there has to be “this is my amazing mom,” discount.”

Everyone burst out laughing.

“Denise has refused to get a social media manager, preferring to do it herself. I’m sure she will be relieved to have you take care of it for her.”

“Babe, really?!” Taylor screeched and threw her hands around him, smothering him with kisses. “Thank you, thank you.”

“Belly, at this point, you might have to fast track your return back as soon as possible.”

I nodded, dumbfounded at the turn of event. I couldn’t believe it, we hadn’t even settled on the name for the company yet and we already landed 3 big clients. It was overwhelming in a really good, really amazing way.
When I first started my photography and video editing hobby, I never imagined I would be creating a company around it but after my New York video blew up in October, Taylor has been on my ass about it.

I hadn’t been sure about it because I was a little afraid to take the leap. My job was my first steady source of income before I started getting advertising requests and I wasn’t ready to resign yet if the prospects of this were not good enough.
I have started taking a lot more classes about it after work and during the weekends and Taylor has been taking business management courses online. She doesn’t want to be a student counselor.
Asides from mom’s birthday, finalizing our plans was the other reason I came and it landed me 3 major clients, 4 if I got a certain restaurant in New York to come onboard.

It seems Taylor and I had the same thought because we were both looking at Jeremiah.

He looked a little uncomfortable but he played it cool.
“Congratulations Tay Tay, and to you Belly. This is really great news and I’m sure you’ll both do well.”

“Okay, but like we need a client in New York as well…” Taylor tackled him.
He glanced at me and looked away.
“Umm…I will consider it. Can I have some time to think about it?”

Taylor narrowed her eyes at him because she knew why he was hesitant so I jumped in immediately.

“Oh sure! Take all the time you need. We still have a lot to do to set up our company, right, Taylor?”

Jere cast me a rather, grateful look.
We might no longer be friends, but I could still see right through him.

“Yeah, sure” Taylor agreed, her voice flat. “Take all the time in the world, Jeremy but don’t think you are going to escape me!” She mock-glared at him.

Steven chuckled and so did dad. Then it occurred to me that Conrad didn’t say anything. I looked over at him and I swear, he had that exact, same constipated look on his face as he did on the day of Susannah’s memorial, at the diner, when Jere and I announced our engagement three years ago.
I guess some things never change, but thankfully, he’s someone’s else’s problem now and good luck to them.

“Let’s toast to all of our successes,” mom called and we all raised our glasses and cheered.
It seemed like my news was the best part of the evening for everyone and it made me so happy.

Steven and Jeremiah were talking and Taylor was being a menace to Adam, not letting him get away with his heart attack shenanigans which was hilarious.
I couldn’t stop watching Jeremiah. He was avoiding me and I know that if he could have, he would have avoided coming for this party but Laurel brought it to his doorstep so the least he could do was show up.
I was dying to talk to him but I also wanted to respect his wish that I keep my distance.
I wanted to ask if he got my letter at Christmas and why he never replied but I didn’t want to push it.
He has been really gracious the whole night, I almost forgot we were no longer friends.

Soon, Steven left and before I could blink, Avril was in his face.

I grind down on my teeth as snippets of their conversations filtered over to me.

“I had no idea Fisher had such a handsome brother. Where has he been hiding you? Are there more like you?”

Jere chuckled good-naturedly, amused by her gibberish or whatever.
“No, it’s just me.” He laughed. “Avril, right?”

“Yep! That’s me.”

“So tell me, what is it like working in oncology?…”

Oh wow!
So obviously, smart, medical girls were now his type? You think you know a person.
I watched him nodding as she spoke, asking questions, listening and getting on his “this is so interesting face,” going on.
I wanted to scream or break something or chew glass.

A chime in my phone interrupted my spiral; it was a text from Taylor.

“Girl, fix your face. You look like a murderer.”

I looked around and saw her looking at me from across the room with a warning look as if to say, “behave yourself.”

She turned and continued talking with mom. I am sure they were already discussing business and she was probably telling her how there were no mom discounts.

I walked over to the balcony because we were having the dinner at the rooftop of the restaurant. I looked down at the traffic below and wondered what Jeremiah would do if I jumped down and killed my self.

Would it traumatize him enough that he doesn’t talk to any other girls and think about me for the rest of his life?

“Hey!”
I turned. It was dad.

“Hey dad…”

“How are you feeling? You had some really big news tonight.”

I shrugged, the wind in my hair and laughed a little.
“Overwhelmed but in a good way. I was so anxious about this step and I didn’t expect it to turn out this well. I was almost sure I was making a mistake.”

“Well, I’m glad you trusted yourself on this. Your mom and I are really so proud of you.”

I felt my heart squeeze inside of me, bringing tears to my eyes. “Thanks dad.”

I hugged him and he kissed my forehead. “You have a good head on you kid, trust yourself more.”

I nodded. “I will.”

He walked away and I was still reeling from the happiness of the moment when I heard someone clear their throat beside me.
It was Conrad.

Suddenly, all the happy, glowing feeling in my heart evaporated, like he just vacuumed it all by just being around me.

“I guess congratulations are in order, right?” He said, giving me that expression like someone was forcing the words out of him.

The wind was still in my hair and it was getting in my mouth. I grabbed my hair with one hand, while my other hand was holding my glass of wine.

“It wouldn’t kill you to just congratulate me and let it end at that.”

He winced in that superior scowl he always did, that used to make me scramble to please him.
“I want to be happy for you but Social Media branding and Strategies? That’s something I can see Taylor doing but not you. You….”

I swallowed back against the irritation rising in my throat.
“Me what?”

“You seem like you are meant for something more, something more serious like sports psychology, teaching. This path you are taking is not who you are.”

I blinked at him in disbelief, unable to place what strain of entitlement gave him the audacity to be speaking to me like this?

I had a million things to say to him but none felt appropriate given the occasion we were attending.
“Leave me alone,” I said to him, deciding to ignore him and he took that to mean that I was thinking about what he was saying.

Once again, my eyes found their way to Jeremiah only to find him already looking at me, his eyes hard. His eyes went from me to Conrad and back with a little puzzled look on his face. Before I could decipher what it meant, he looked away and continued talking to Avril
It was a brief moment but my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach.

I wanted to run to him and tell him it didn’t mean anything. Conrad was just being Conrad and a stalker but I couldn’t do that without embarrassing the both of us and what if he didn’t care?
Why would he?

As if I was not already suffering enough, Conrad leaned over and spoke over my ears, startling me.

“He never changes, does he? I bring a date to the party and he’s already making moves on her, like he did on you.”

That snapped me out of my stupor immediately.
“You’re a real piece of work, you know that?” I hissed at him, barely suppressing the anger vibrating out of my pores. “You are the one person who knows the least about anyone but you are the one with the most opinion on who they are or what is best for them.”

He grinned at me, and I found myself steeping back. It was more a baring of his dentition, rather than a smile. It looked evil.

“You have no idea the things I know about people.”

I was fed up with him; his attitude, his smile, his presence, everything about him.

“You know what Conrad, fuck you and fuck the things you know. Go to hell!”

I stumbled away from him but when I looked up, Jeremiah had disappeared.

Mom said he pleaded an early night, holding up the gift he got her.

I felt like screaming and crying. He probably thought I was lying now after I told him Conrad and I were broken up.
I wish my life could be so uncomplicated, I wished my relationship with one brother didn’t affect my relationship with the other.
I was so tired of living like this, it was like I was never going to be happy as long as I still cared for any of the Fisher brothers.

I was so close to tears so I just went to a corner to sulk, feeling sorry for my life.
Soon, Avril joined me with her chatty energy.

“Congratulations again, my brother owns a small gym in New York but he’s looking at investing on the social media angle to drive business…can you take him on?”

And suddenly, she was the most fun, most interesting person ever….

—————————————————————————-
We registered the business in March and had our first client meeting with Adam’s publicity team the next week.
I handled the presentation on the creative process but Taylor handled the business angle of it.
We signed the contract that day.

I still had my job in Paris and sometimes, I had to set up zoom meetings at night to meet up with the time zone in the US. 

Before April end, I had used up my leave for the first half of the year and nearing burnout. It was hard keeping up.
We had taken over mom’s account and it was already showing improvements.
Each account had their own strategies and vibes but at the underlying core was relatability and connection.
Denise was a little harder to convince and her needs were more niched but after a lot of back and forth between us, we finally signed up Pentagram Inc. as our third client.

Before ending of May, we had hired our first employee and then our second and third.

Jeremiah’s show was shot but it wouldn’t air until the September or October.

To celebrate our first paycheck from Breakers, I went to the club with the girls and danced all night.
By the end of that night, I was getting my insides turned inside out at the back of a black Jeep by the DJ. His was Ivan.

It wasn’t anything serious but I didn’t mind that he stuck around. He was good to look at, good in bed, didn’t care about labels and took my mind off Jeremiah most nights.
That was good enough for me.
Taylor also approved; she called him a hunk of a man.

“He is like twice of you.” She joked.

We signed on more clients including Avril’s brother and Taylor was really particular about the kind and she wrung out every single dime from every deal but somehow, I was still not ready to leave my job and return to the US earlier than I planned.
I still loved the idea of job security and extra income but I was pushing myself so hard and spreading myself thin that by June, I was ready for my leave in July.

We were going on a vacation to Hawaii and Taylor made all the plans and shared all the details with me except who else was coming besides her and Steven.

—————————————————————————

By the time July came around, Ivan and I were no longer a thing, we had fizzled out and while I was excited about the vacation, I was not excited about being a third wheel to my best friend and brother.
Since those two got married, their PDA level has skyrocketed and become unbearable.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to survive an entire summer being around them.

I arrived early at the airport my headphone on, in my grey sweater and sweatpants. It was a little hot but I didn’t mind at all, I was all about comfort this summer.

I texted Taylor.
“Just arrived Charles De Gaulle, see you in a couple of hours.”

I got her reply seconds later:
“Yay!! Project Hawaii is a GO!!”

I smiled and secured my phone in my carry on and checked in.

Summer started the moment I arrived at Boston Logan and Taylor was waving at me like a crazy person.
We both screamed and hugged each other.

We had just one day before our flight to Hawaii and we had a couple of shopping to do.
As the main organizer, she had a couple of things to get, like a first aid kit, mosquito repellents, extra sun screen in case anyone forgot and allergy pills.
On our way out, she grabbed an Epi pen.

“Do you even know what that is for?” I asked her.
She shrugged, throwing four into the shopping cart.
“Remember that Edmund Bridgerton guy that died from a bee venom allergy? If Anthony had stabbed him one of these then, he would have survived. It never hurts to be too safe.”

“Oh okay ma’am, you do you,” I conceded.

During the day, when we ate at a local restaurant nearby, she let it slip that she had booked for 3 rooms because she had been expecting me to come with Ivan.
Then I pressed her and she confirmed that the other group was Denise and her boyfriend, Adrian.

Jeremiah declined coming last minute last minute meetings and Steven was not finding it funny, which I would find funny if I didn’t think it was because of me.

“It is not because of you, Belly,” Taylor said, reading my thoughts. “He doesn’t even know you are coming.”

“Okay.”
I was relieved.

Taylor had everyone book their flights 2 months ahead so all of us were on the same flight.

We arrived the Honolulu International Airport just before noon, all of us; Taylor and Steven, me, Denise and Adrian.

The drive to our resort was long but it gave us a view of the main city. Denise had on the biggest sun hat and Taylor was wearing a thin, yellow shirt. It was hot.

I jumped into the shower as soon as we got into our hotel and turned the hotel AC on full blast.
The mid day sun was punishing and jet lag was doing a number on us so nobody bothered to follow through with the plans we had made for that day.
We ordered room service and just went to sleep.

I woke up to several to chimes and buzzes from my phone only to find out that I had been added to Project Hawaii and Taylor was typing in capitals.
CODE RED, EMERGENCY!!
EVERYONE MEET ME IN 5 AT THE LOBBY.

I checked the time, it was past 8. The messages were sent about 30 minutes ago. I flew off from my bed, splashed water on my face, brushed my teeth and rushed down to the lobby.

The group was right there, talking animatedly and right in the middle of the debate was the last person I was expecting, Jeremiah.

I was nervous but I played it cool.

“What’s up guys, sorry I’m late.”

“Look who finally showed up,” Steven mocked. “I thought I would have to send a search party.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Shut your Steven!”

“Hey Jere, I thought you were not coming,” I said, coolly.

He looked pissed as he turned to Steven and Taylor.
“I thought you said she was not coming?”

Taylor looked at him confused. “Who told you that?”

Jeremiah looked at the couple, looking more upset by the second. “Is this some kind of joke or what? Am I tripping or something?”

Taylor and Steven looked at each other, puzzled.

“Maybe you misunderstood me,” Steven said carefully. “I don’t know what you heard but what I said was that her partner cancelled.”

“You said she cancelled,” Jere insisted stubbornly.

Adrian looked on at the drama with vested interest and even I was getting pissed because what was so bad about me showing up?

“I thought you said he canceled,” I said to Taylor. “Did you lie to me about that just to get me to come?”

“Come on Belly, no. Why would I do that?”

She turned to Jeremiah.

“I thought you said you were no longer coming? Last minute work meetings and stuff?”

“No, I said I had a last minute meeting and reschedule my flight for evening.”

“Great!” We heard Denise say. “Now we have two people who hate each other in a room. It’s going to be an amazing vacation.”

Jere and I glared at her.

Then Jere said, “this is so stupid.”

I turned to him, now mad. “What did you say?”

“You heard me.”

“Fuck you!” I spat at him, furious.

“Fuck me? Fuck me? You invited yourself on a vacation nobody asked you to come.”

“I have been planning for this vacation for months. You are the intruder here. You are not welcome here. Go back to New York or wherever you came from!”

His blue eyes was stormy now and I was in his face.
“You know what? Fuck you too!”

“I-“

“Enough!” Steven yelled and the both of us stopped mid-argument.

“Both of you, I need to talk to you.”

He turned and stalked off. We looked at each other and followed him.

A little distance from the group, he stopped and addressed us.

“I don’t care whatever issues both of you have going on and except you really want to ruin the vacation for everyone else, both of you need to wrap this shit up and quickly..”

I hung my head in shame. I have never heard Steven be this stern.

“I know there is a lot of history between you guys but I can’t let this ruin this summer. Taylor and I put so much effort into planning this vacation, I would hate for all of that effort to go to waste.”

We were both silent.

“Yeah, there must have been a mix-up somewhere and we got some details wrong, hence the confusion but the most important thing is that we are here and we have to make the best of the situation.”

He looked at the both of us.

“I understand this would be frustrating to the both of you but I also need you to understand that I will not be in the middle of your fights or taking sides. Jere, Belly is my little sister and I want her to be here. Belly, Jere is my best friend, and I want him to be here too and if either of you is not okay with it, you can take your flight back home or whatever. Is that clear?”

“Yeah man, I’m sorry.”

“It’s clear.”

We headed back to the group and Taylor was looking distressed.

“Guys, there is another problem. All the rooms are booked and everyone is paired. Belly, you will have to share your room with Jeremiah pending when there is a free room.”

“Hell no!” We both said at the same time.

“Can’t he room with Steven or Adrian? I don’t mind staying with Denise or Taylor.”

“No!” From both Steven and Adrian.

“I am not spending a night away from my wife,” Steven emphasized.

“I am not ready to get in the middle of this,” Denise echoed.

“What the fuck, guys?! This is literally unfair.” Jeremiah exclaimed, looking incredulous.

Yeah, I understood Jere’s argument but why was he so bent on rejecting me like I was a leper or something? It’s not like we dated for 4 years and almost got married or something; it’s not like we were strangers or something.

“What is unfair is asking people to give up their comfort because you want to be childish. I don’t want to share a room with you either but you don’t see me throwing a tantrum about it.”

Jeremiah turned to me, and I noticed really tired he looked. “You can’t be talking to me about childish behavior and tantrums and-“
He looked around. “Where is Conrad? Does he get a free room? Why don’t you go share a room with him instead?”

I saw red.

“For. The. Last. Time. Jeremiah. Fisher. Conrad. And. I. Are. Not. Together! How many times do I have to tell you before you believe it?”

“These two are so fiery,” Adrian said, with interest.

“You know what? Both of you should sort this out. After all, you are best friends!” Taylor said and pulled Steven along. Denise followed with Adrian.

“We are not even friends!” I called after her.

Jeremiah looked like he was seconds away from exploding. He scrubbed his palm over his face and took several steps to calm down.

“I guess there is no other option apart from this,” he said tiredly.

I shrugged, “no.”

He walked to the reservation and asked for his name to be put on priority for the next available room. He even paid for it.

“It shouldn’t take more than a day,” he says when he gets back to me.

“I guess.”

He picks up his carryon and his traveling luggage and there is another bag. They all look heavy.

“Do you need help with any of them?”

“No, I got it.”

I led the way.

Once we got inside the room, I picked up my clothes from the floor. And pushed them into my luggage.
“I haven’t had the time to unpack and I rushed downstairs,” I explain.

“It’s okay,” he says and begins to put his bags away.

I start to pull out some spare blankets and duvet from a wardrobe.

“What are you doing?” He asks.

“I am getting things ready for the night.”

“Then why are you laying them on the floor?”

“So you can have the bed.”

“What the fuck Belly, you can’t sleep on the floor. Take the bed, I’ll stay on the floor.”

“No, I’m not letting you sleep on the floor either.”

We stared at each other for a long time, neither of us willing to concede.

“Why do you have to be so stubborn about everything?”

“I could say the same about you.”

He sighed wearily. “Well, the bed is huge enough; no need for either of us to suffer. Choose your side of the bed. We will have the pillows between us.”

I chose the left and we piled half of the pillows between us.
He took some clothes and went into the bathroom.
When he came out, he looked like a wet dream, with his curl, sticking to his face, his grey wife pleasure emphasizing all his sexy muscles and his sweatpants riding low on his waist. He was whistling an Ariana Grande song low beneath his breath.
I felt the stirring of desire deep in my stomach and my tits tighten under my shirt.

He came over to the bed and caught me staring.

“What?” He asked, his voice a little sharper now that he has had a refreshing shower.

I felt my heart pounding so loud in my ears and my heart was beating really fast.

“Nothing,” I said and turned away. I turned off the light on my side of the bed and he did the same on his side.

But I could not sleep. I stayed awake until I heard his steady breathing and I focused on that and followed it into my dreams.

I woke up the next morning to find him firmly on his own side of the bed. I wondered if he had slept in a straight line all night.
I slid out of bed and headed for the bathroom. When I got back, he was awake.

He looked better than he did last night.

“Slept good?” I greeted.

He yawned and stretched.
“Best I have slept in a long time but now I’m hungry…”

I chuckled a little breathlessly. “We have less than two hours before breakfast is over so you better hurry.”

“2 hours you say?”

He jumped on his feet, picked up his clothes and ran into the bathroom.
He was done in less than 20 minutes.

I wore my yellow jumpsuit with a hat and I knew I looked good but Jeremiah didn’t seem to notice as we fell into step.

“Umm…I’m sorry about being an asshole last night. I had a long day of meetings and spent almost 12 hours on a flight here. I guess I was just cranky and took it out on you.”

I was not surprised by his apology but I wasn’t expecting it.
“I’m sorry too,” I said. “I just got super defensive and pissed about everything.”

“It’s okay, I shouldn’t have said the things I said.”

I peeked at him but his expression was neutral. I decided to try my luck, since he seemed to be in a tamer mood.

“Let’s call a truce. Friends?”

He looked at me thoughtfully.
“I will take a truce for this vacation but I won’t go as far as calling us friends.”

And he left me behind.

The entire gang were already there when we arrived.

“I take it you both sorted out your issues then?” Adrian chipped.

“Of course they did, these two don’t know how to stay mad at each other for long.”

Taylor and Denise exchanged a look.
After breakfast, Taylor pulled me aside.

“How was it? He didn’t try to strangle you in your sleep, right? He was so upset yesterday, I didn’t want to leave you with him. I have never seen him that angry but Steven insisted that you both will be fine…”

I thought about what she said. Yes, Jeremiah had been furious last night but it hadn’t occurred to me to be afraid of him. I could never be afraid of him, he would never hurt him.

“I’m fine, really. He even apologized on our way here.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” she said relieved, smiling. “So you guys are friends now?”

“Ummm… I wouldn’t go as far as saying that but we called a truce for the sake of this vacation.”

She nodded happily, “that’s progress, I guess. I’ll take that.”

I smiled for the first time that morning. “Yeah, me too.”

I came with my cameras and tripods and I have been making a lot of videos and taking a lot of pictures.

The sun was milder today, Taylor declared it snorkeling day and our tour guide took us to Hanuma Bay.
He gave us the usual instructions and said to watch out for stinger rays. It was usually safe but there was the occasional tourist accidents, most of which could be avoided if you just had someone watching your back.

“Good thing everyone is paired up,” Steven said.

We were bikini snorkeling.
He and Taylor their gears fitted as did Adrian and Denise.

I stripped out of my outer clothes and got my mask on as did Jeremiah.
I felt Jeremiah’s gaze on me as we followed behind our instructor but when I looked at him, he was looking at the ground.

“This is a first time for me,” I said to him excitedly. “Have you done this before?”

He smiled at me, “yeah, once before. Pretty life changing. You will enjoy it.”

“I bet.”
The truce was good, it almost felt like old us, except that I knew that it wasn’t but if I could pretend that it was, I could almost feel myself relaxing in his company.

Except for the breathing tube over my nose, the glass protecting my eyes and the flipper on my feet, snorkeling with Jere almost felt like swimming in the pool in Cousins.

There were a lot of colorful little fishes underwater and he pointed me to a school of them in the distance. At some point, we circled round each other and he grabbed my hand and we swam towards the rocky area.

I shook my head, the closer we got. This was the area most likely to have the stinger rays and I didn’t want to be stung.

“Trust me,” he said as soon as we came up and he pulled off his mouth plug. “This has some of the best views, I promise."
His eyes were earnest and this was the first time he was offering me anything beyond silence and cold tolerance.

“Okay,” I said.
It was Jere, he would never hurt me: he fitted his mouth piece back on and took my hands.

It was the most wonderful experience ever. I saw a jellyfish in the distance, almost translucent in the daylight and then I caught sight a turtle, colorful underwater plants that looked like mushrooms and had fishes diving in and out of them. I made some videos with my underwater camera.

By the time we were out and listing all the things we saw, everyone was looking at us with envy.

“I didn’t even see a turtle,” Denise mourned “and I was really looking forward to it..”

“Awww, so sorry babe. All I could think about was not getting stung by a stinger ray. I wished that instructor guy never mentioned them.” Adrian condoled her

“It was really fun,” Steven said with a smirk and I knew it had nothing to do with the snorkeling itself because Taylor turned as red as beet.
I caught Jere looking at me again, this time he did not look away. He made a gagging sound behind me and I laughed.

It was past midday now.

“So guys, lunch time then we will do whale watching after, okay?”

The group cheered and we went off to shower change in the Bay bathroom.
We had late lunch and then we watched whales. I made a couple of videos.

“Whales have this advanced system of communication between them called elocution, it is really cool,” said Adrianas we watched the sea mammals dive in and out of water. He was wrapped up in Denise looking so cozy and loved up.

Same with Taylor and Steven who right about this moment were stealing kisses from each other, pretending like they were sleek.
I looked at Jere, he was transfixed by the view of the whales, it was apparent he didn’t miss this, us.

I leaned over and whispered to his ears.
“He seems to know a lot about whales,” I said to him. “Doesn’t he remind you of someone we know?”

He scrunched up his nose in thought and then his face lit up.

“Cam Cameron!” He laughed. “God! That boy was so obsessed with whales. Let me send him a video right now.”

He got out his phone and made a video. Then he sent it with a caption, “doing your favorite thing 🐳🐋”
I took a peek and I saw that their last chat was just a few weeks ago. Cam had visited his restaurant with his girlfriend, Emily and was gushing about it to him.

I felt some tightening in my chest which I did my best to ignore. I wondered how many more people he still kept in touch with from the past; Gigi, Nicole, Redbird, Blake, Luke, Josh from the Frat House. I could imagine him single-handedly keeping the Escort group chat from years ago alive, Jere was that guy.
He actively kept in touch with everyone, everyone except me.
For me, he reserved the block button.

His phone rang, it was Cam.

“Guys, Cam is calling,” he called to the rest of us.

“Jere, you still keep in touch with that guy?” Steven asked, impressed.

“Who is Cam Cameron,” Denise asked.

“A friend of ours from way back,” Steven said.

“Belly’s first boyfriend.” Taylor added.

I shot her a look and she shrugged, mouthing, “what?”

“Oh but I thought his name was Conrad?”

I turned red in embarrassment. Obviously, someone had been feeding him my lores someone that didn’t know the whole story .

I glared at Denise.

Just then, Cam’s face filled the camera. “Hey Fisher, how are you?” He greeted, his face lit up with a big smile.

As did Jere. “I’m cool man, how are you?”

“I’m alright. I saw your video. When did you start whale watching? That looks like the Hanauma Bay. Is it?”

I rolled my eyes, of course he would know exactly where this particular whale watching was happening. Cam was currently doing his PhD in Marine Biology in Harvard.

“You’ve always been such a nerd,” I teased as I got into frame.

His smile got even wider. “Oh Belly, you’re in Hawaii with Jere? Awww…how are you? I’m a big fan of your page. Loved your video of New York but Christmas in Paris remains my favourite.”

“Awww…thank you so much Cam, this is nice to hear.”

“Sure thing, I can’t wait to see Hawaii from your eyes too… I know it is going to be dope.”
Jeremiah looked at the both of us, a little confused. He had no idea what we were taking about but he did not interrupt.

“Sure, sure. Give it a week or two after we return or a month….” I teased.

“So….you and Jere in Hawaii, huh?”

Before I could answer, Jeremiah butted in.
“No, no. The whole gang is here and some new friends too.”
He took his phone and panned the camera to face everyone.

“Oh hi Steven!” He greeted. “Oh my God, I can see Taylor, hi!”

“Cam Cameron!” Steven and Taylor greeted. “How are you?”

“I’m great. Damn! Emily is not here to see the girl that taught me the mystery of the Apple Bong.” He joked.

Everyone laughed.
“Are you sure you are not mistaking me for Skye?” Taylor asked him.

Cam thought about it for a second and smiled. “Um, I’m pretty sure you started it and Skye finished it so it was the both of you. How are they anyway?”

“Oh great!” Jere answered. “They are a big shot in Real Estate now.”

Oh nice! I didn’t know that.

“And our friends,” Jere called and adjusted until he had them in frame:

“This is Denise, she is Steven’s business partner and my good friend and this is her boyfriend, Adrian.”

Cam said hi to everyone and we all chatted a little bit and then he said,

“Where is Conrad? I didn’t see him.”

“Umm, he didn’t come,” Steven said.
I waited for him to give a reason like he checked out last minute due to work, or an emergency came up but he didn’t.
That means he never invited him.

“So, it is you and Taylor, and Jere and Belly? Sweet! It is just the way I imagined you guys will end up. Now I wish I made a bet about this.”

I blushed hard, unable to help it. It seemed everyone apart from our family saw the potential of us before I ever did.
It made me sick how clueless I had been.

“Oh no, no,” Jeremiah quickly corrected him. “It is just Taylor and Steven. Belly and I are not together, we came separately.”

“Oh,” Cam replied. “My bad, I assumed-“

“No, it’s fine. A lot of people from way back still think so.”

I swore under my breath, sick with another feeling I could not name immediately. Jere just twisted the knife with that.

“Yeah, I figure,” Cam grinned, relieved. “Anyway, it was nice talking to all of you again, next time, factor me in your plans, Emily and I would love to come. I have to get back to work now. Bye.”

“Bye,” we all called and the phone went blank.

“Swell guy,” Denise said. “Lowkey reminds me of Fisher here.”

“If you didn’t tell me his name, I would have thought he was Jere’s actual brother. They look so much alike, with the curly hair and vibe.”

“I know right?!” Taylor agreed. “I think Belly always had a thing for curly haired guys.”

“I see it too,” Denise concurred.

“I don’t agree,” Steven debated.

I was red with embarrassment, my love life was under scrutiny here and not surprisingly, Jeremiah was strangely quiet.
I looked at him and he was not interested in the conversation. He found the whales more captivating.

Dinner was back at our hotel with the normal chitchat and stuff.
On our way to our room, he checked at the reception and was told there was no free room yet but probably in a day or two as a tour group was checking out in a few days.

Once in our room, Jere took a quick shower, brushed his teeth and got in bed without a word to me.
A few minutes later, I could hear his steady breathing and I laid awake, staring at his back, wishing these mountains of pillows didn’t exist between us, wishing I could still sleep in his arms, still call him mine.
I wished Cam’s prophecy had come through because now, all I had was this deep longing and a heart full of feelings I could not express.
It was killing me.

I felt the tears slide down the side of my face and wet my pillow. I didn’t sleep until it was nearing dawn and when I woke up to my alarm for breakfast, Jeremiah was not in the room but his smell lingered.

After breakfast, we visited the Kaumana caves on the big Island. It was a long way from the hotel so we hired a private car to take all of us. It was scenic and a little frightening. When you talked, you could hear your words bouncing off the walls back at you.
Even Steven looked spooked, clinging to Taylor. Adrian and Denise didn’t even move beyond the entrance at all. Denise was claustrophobic.
The only one who was having a great time was Jere and I was lowkey glad that we were sort of stuck together on this trip.
I guess the experience of the cave wasn’t the inside of the cave itself, it was in coming out of the cave and suddenly having a new appreciation for and a fresher perspective about the free air and open sky.

We rested back in our hotel for most of the afternoon and then hung out at the resort beach instead of Waikiki.

“Hawaii is just like Cousins without the crowd,” Jere said with nostalgia.

“Yeah,” Steven agreed. “It reminds me so much of home…”

Of Susannah, I wanted to say but I didn’t. Anything that reminded me of summers in Cousins made me think of Susannah. I knew Jere was thinking of her too.

He gave a deep sigh.
“I guess life is one big adventure that is worthwhile in itself and every adventure always comes to an end.”

“That is sad,” Denise said.

Jeremiah was sad and I was right there but he was not looking to me for comfort.

“Babe, can you help apply sunscreen on my back?” Adrian asked, smartly shifting the dark direction the conversation was taking. “I burn easily.”

Then, Steven offered to apply on Taylor’s back and she rolled her eyes at him even as she rolled over to her stomach in her bikini.

“You never miss an opportunity to get your hands on me…” she teased him.

“Yeah, yeah… I’m obsessed with my wife, shoot me.”
We laughed. They were cute.

I turned to Jeremiah; “umm, do you need help with your sunscreen? I could help,” I offered.

“No, I’m good. I can do it myself.”

By now, I was used to the gut punch from his rejection by now, I was almost always mentally prepared for it now.
I nodded. I didn’t dare ask for his help for mine and he didn’t offer.

“Let me help you with yours,” Denise offered after she was done with Adrian and I gave her my lotion gratefully.

While she worked it into my skin, I could feel the weight of Jeremiah’s gaze on me. I couldn’t see him but I knew it was him. I just did.
Denise worked up to my shoulders and unintentionally massaged a knot of muscle there, earning a moan of satisfaction from me.

I felt movement and Jere was on his feet, cheeks pink.

“I’m just going to swim,” he said and took off into the direction of the ocean.

“Idiot,” I heard Taylor mutter under her breath.
Soon after he had had an enough of his hands on his wife for the moment, Steven announced that he would be jumping into the ocean too and so did Denise leaving Taylor, Adrian and me behind.

Taylor was looking at me.
“Belly, I mean this with all the love in the works but sis, you need to get laid and fast. I can feel the sexual tension vibrating from you.”

I blushed hard, hoping Adrian did not hear her.
He was watching them playing in the water with a distracted smile.

“Cousins is where you guys knew each other, right?” He asked, turning to us.

“Not really,” Taylor answered him. “Steven, Belly, Jeremiah and his brother have always known each other since they were kids and they used to spend every summer in Jeremiah’s parent’s beach house in Cousins.”

“Oh, that sounds idyllic. What was it like?”

I closed my eyes and for a moment, I was back in the summer house, running around the house with Jeremiah, bickering with Steven, chatting with Susannah and my painful crush on Conrad. I remembered the cackle of the fireworks from the 4th of July, Susannah’s favorite holiday and how every year, Jere and Steven cahooted to outdo their previous year’s display.
Susannah’s birthday dinner for me every year and that year we got flower crowns and Jere embarrassed himself without care during karaoke to get my attention and I was all too obsessed with Conrad to care.

And then I lost Jere and now, the thought of Conrad makes me sick.
The thought of everything makes me sick.

“It was perfect,” I said, opening my eyes, the tears staining my lashes. “It was everything until it wasn’t.”

“Sounds tragic,” he says softly.

I nodded, my throat too tight for words.

“It is,” Taylor affirmed.

We wandered off later, looking for cocktails. I got a Pineapple Colada, Taylor got Sex on The Beach and Adrian had Magatitas.

Soon, the others joined us and without asking, Steven took a sip of my drink.

“Hey, that’s rude,” I yelled, shooing him away. “Go bother your wife.”

He laughed and went over to Taylor, and kissed her deeply, so thoroughly, I drained my drink for want of something to keep myself busy.
It has been a long time; a really, really long time since a man kissed me like that, like he was drowning and I was oxygen.
I missed that.
I missed him.

He ordered for a drink and sat beside me. I ordered another glass of piña colada and sipped in silence.
Soon, our litter group progressed to shots of tequila until it was late in the night.
Everybody felt a little tipsy and maybe that was why we all agreed to play a game of Truth, or dare.
We sat around in a circle at the beach, a bonfire in the distance lighting our faces, the warm glow bouncing off Jeremiah’s golden curls.

Taylor went first. She turned to Denise.

“Truth or Dare?”

“Truth,” she said.

“Okay, what is the most number of times a man has made you come in one night?”

Her eyes immediately shot to Jeremiah.
I felt ill immediately.
“Four times,” she said.

I wanted to shrivel up and die.

“Hmmm, spicy,” Taylor cooed

It was Denise’s turn.

“Steven, truth or Dare?”

“Dare,” he said unflinching, his fingers toying with Taylor’s hair.

“I dare you to make out with Jeremiah.”

His eyes almost popped out of their sockets.

“What? No! That’s sick! I’m not doing that.”

Everyone laughed; everyone except me and Steven and….Jeremiah.
He wasn’t laughing but he was smiling.

“If you don’t do it, you will have to pay $20,” Denise said.

Without hesitation, Steven dropped the notes on the ground in the middle of the circle.

“Come on man, you’re hurting my feelings here. I’m a pretty good kisser,” Jere said, looking mock hurt.

“Shut up Jere!” He snapped at Jeremiah, laughing.
I heaved a sign of relief.

It was Steven’s turn. “Jeremiah, truth or dare?”

“Truth,” he said. I was a little disappointed. Jeremiah was always up for a dare but I guess he was trying to play it safe tonight.

“Do you really hate Belly?”

Our eyes met and held. I stopped breathing, yet my heart was beating fast.
Did he hate me?
Of course he hated me, why did Steven even have to ask. It was one thing to think it in my head, it was another thing for him to confirm it. It would shatter me when he confirmed it.

His gaze flickered to my lips for a few seconds and back to my eyes. My mouth was suddenly dry. I licked my lips and I think I saw his eyes grow dark and heavy.

“No, I don’t hate Belly,” he said, breaking the moment, yet he didn’t stop looking at me. “I could never hate her.”

I let out my breath in a rush , my head swimming with relief.
Jere did not hate me?
I looked into his eyes for any sign of guile but there wasn’t. He wasn’t lying, he really didn’t.

Holy shit!
Jeremiah Fisher didn’t hate me.
I looked at Taylor and she was smiling with that cute, wet face people made when they said, “awww, this is so sweet.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, my throat raw and then he got a pained look on his face and looked away.
There was a bit of silence in the circle. Adrian cleared his throat.

“Jeremiah it’s your turn.”

“Oh yeah….Adrian, truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“When did you realize you had fallen in love with Denise?”

The guy looked startled, like a deer caught in headlight. If I was drinking, I would have sputtered it out and choked.
Were we drunk or were we just curious?
Or maybe we were both.
Alcohol made people curious a lot. Someone kept topping the shot glasses between us and it kept emptying. At this time, I didn’t know how many I’ve had and I was already feeling woozy in the head.

He looked at Denise and she was holding her breath.
I had suspected she was in love with him this whole time because Denise wasn’t the sort of person to just bring anyone on vacation with her friends. She looked like the sort of girl that could do solo or a girlfriend’s trip or bring a man she seriously likes but I didn’t know about him.

Did she ever like Jeremiah this much?
I hoped not.
Taylor said she introduced him to her family though.
That means she did.
Thank God they didn’t work out.

Jere knocked back another shot with all the confidence of a man that saw and knew more than he said.
He didn’t ask Adrian if he loved Denise. He asked when he knew he did.

“It was the fifth month of our relationship. We were doing a Netflix Marathon and you said you wanted to watch a silly, sappy rom-com and I said I also liked, silly sappy rom-coms and you started laughing. I don’t remember why it was so funny but you were this serious, ambitious Co-Founder of one of the fastest rising finance companies in Boston and I was a cliche tech guy that just moved from San Francisco and we both loved silly-sappy rom-coms.
You were wearing your red sweater, and cute, pink socks and I remember thinking, I would love to watch silly, sappy rom-coms with you at Christmas and maybe forever….”

Denise was in tears, hitting his arm playfully.
“Oh you dork! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I was scared. You are always so strong and kind and fearless. I didn’t want you to scare you away.”
Then he looked serious, looking into her eyes.
“I really love you Izzy, I am hopelessly and utterly in love with you and I will go to the ends of the earth with you if you ask me to come with you.”

“Oh, this is so sweet, I’m going to cry,” Taylor whispered as a tear slid down Taylor’s face and she hid in the crook of Steven’s neck.

“Oh Adrian, I love you too…so much,” Denise declared sobbing and Adrian kissed her and pulled her into his arms where she melted into a puddle.

I was too numbed by my own bar-in-hell standards to react.
I really did accept, “fuck! I still love you,” a hurriedly declared as a last ditch effort two nights to my wedding and,
“I have changed everything about myself but the only thing that hasn’t changed is that I love you,” at 22 from a man that knew I loved him since I was 10.”

I couldn’t look at Jere or I would start crying.
We really do accept the love we think we deserve.

Steven ordered a round of shots to celebrate the lovebirds and the mood got lighter with Denise and Adrian laughing like two teenagers who just discovered they liked each other.

We started talking about other things and I figured the game was over until Adrian looked up.

“Wait! I haven’t had my turn in the game yet.”
He turned to me. “Truth or dare?”

I took a shot of Tequila for courage and sucked on a slice of lime for courage.

“Dare,” I said.

“Great! I hoped you would say that.”
His eyes held a mischievous expression that I didn’t like at all. It looked like trouble.

“I dare you to kiss Jeremiah.”

Taylor gasped. Denise gasped. I gasped.

A memory from before surfaced.
The summer we saved the summer house, that night at the club golf course; Skye daring me to kiss Jeremiah and Jeremiah refusing to kiss me.

“Because if I kiss you, I don’t think I will be able to stop,” he had said.

Now, he looked terrified.
I scrambled to my feet before he had a chance to shut it down like before.

His legs were stretched in front of him so I knelt over them, my knee on both side of him and cupped his frames in my hands.
His eyes were large, boring into mine. It didn’t look like he was breathing.

I leaned over until my face was merely inches away from him.

“Belly, this is a bad idea,” he said, his voice rough but he didn’t pull away.

“Maybe,” I said and then I covered the distance between us and kissed him. He resisted only a little and then he opened his mouth with a groan of surrender and my tongue slid inside his mouth.

I was so relieved, I could cry.

His hands flew to my waist and pulled me down on his lap, hard against him, our fronts pressed hard against each other. I dug my fingers in his hair and tugged.
He moaned a little and angled his head to deepen the kiss.
I was full on pressing myself against his front, desire curled so tight in my stomach. I could feel him hard against my core and I pressed down. His fingers dug into my hips, holding me down even more, fitting us even tighter against each other.

He broke the kiss to come up for air and I chased his lips, catching them in mine and sucking on it. I wasn’t ready to let go yet, I was not ready to let go, ever.

Someone cleared their throat and Jere broke off the kiss and pulled away.
He looked dazed, he looked undone, utterly wrecked.
His hair was a mess and his lips looked swollen, his eyes were a shade I clearly remembered from intense intimate nights in the past.

“Whew!!” I heard Taylor say and everything else faded back into focus.
Jeremiah blinked as if he suddenly realized we were not alone and this was a dare.

“Wow! That was…something…” Adrian said.
Denise was staring at us open mouthed, Steven’s ears were red.

“They said one dare kiss and you guys gave us a show….” He said dryly. He didn’t sound very impressed.

Jeremiah’s hands disengaged from my waist and leaned away, looking everywhere but me.

I crawled out from his laps and made my way back to my former position, face red.

“I just love it when hot people kiss,” Taylor said and gave Steven a smacking kiss right on his mouth.

He laughed and kissed her back and then Adrian kissed Denise.
It was only Jeremiah and I that weren’t kissing.
It felt wrong.

I cleared my throat.
“It is my turn now,” I said, clearing my throat.

Finally, thankfully, everyone stopped kissing.
“Steven, truth or Dare?”

“Truth.”

“Who was your first love, Taylor or Shayla?”

“Who’s Shayla?” Adrian whispered to Denise.
“I don’t know,” she whispered back.

Taylor glared at me and I glared back.

“Shayla,” he said, holding my eyes. “She was the first person that made me realize what love was. It was with Taylor I learnt what it meant to actually love and be in love with the same person.”

“Awww babe…” she puckered her lips to him and pecked his lips.
And so, the game continued for another round. Nothing dramatic happened again except when Taylor dared Jeremiah to carry her on his back and they both fell on the floor in a heap.
We were all wasted as hell.

Denise dared me to finish 5 shots of Tequila and Steven protested that it was too much so Jeremiah and Taylor offered to help me.
I only took one.

A live band was playing close by and we danced a little and laughed a lot and after, stumbled to our hotel rooms.

Once we parted and it was just Jere and I, the tension was obvious.
My senses were sharp, all the tipsiness almost gone from me.
Jere hadn’t drank much except the one cocktail and few shots including the two he took for me.
Jeremiah has never been good at handling his liquor but what he had wasn’t enough to tip him over.

As soon as the door shut, he swirled to me, so fast he was a blur.

“What was that for?”

I blinked at him in confusion. “What was what for?”

“The kiss. Why did you kiss me?”

“Umm…because I was dared?” I said, my ears burning up. I started to put my things away, trying to distract from the fact that I was shaking a little and lying.

“Don’t do that Belly, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You didn’t have to kiss me and you know that.”

“Well, I did not have any $20 to spare!” I threw back at him.

“What? You kissed me because of $20?!”

“Yeah and you know what? You didn’t have to kiss me too. You could have refused and paid the $20 yourself but you didn’t!” I flung at him.

“I didn’t want to embarrass you!” He yelled back.

“And I didn’t have $20! Go figure!”

“Are you serious right now?”

I was exasperated. It was just a kiss, why was he making such a big deal out of it?

“I really find it hypocritical that you wouldn’t have minded if it was anyone else but you draw the line at me. It makes no sense, it’s just a game.”

“Oh, this has just being a game to you?”

“What else could it be for?” I said and then, my eyes dropped on his lips without my intention.
And I licked my lips.
And he noticed.

I don’t know who moved first but the next minute, we were crashing against each other, my lips pressed hard against his, tongue colliding in a mess of passion.
He was holding my face in his hands and kissing me like a starving man. My hands pulled on his hair and he groaned again.
His back hit the wall and I just flattened my body against him, desperate to feel everything that was him.

I slipped my hand under his chest and touched, raw, hard muscle. I got greedy and started pulling on his shirt.

“Off! Off!” I ordered urgently.
His shirt came off followed my by the woolen net dress over my bikini.

“You’re the fucking hottest girl in the world,” he groaned and I captured his mouth again in another kiss.
I started pulling at his shorts; he stepped out of them quickly, no resistance, no hesitation, just deep, hungry need. He tried to untie my bikini pant but it wasn’t coming off so he got on his knees and used his teeth and tongue and fingers, his new mustache rubbing my skin, an extra sensation.

I was so fucking wet, I could make a puddle. He reached into the pocket of his shorts and pulled out a condom.
He hooked one of legs around his waist and sank into me in one hard, sharp thrust!

I cried out.
The moment of it felt almost spiritual. It felt like coming home. He gave me a moment to adjust to him and then lifted me up by both thighs and I crossed my legs behind him.

He turned and crowded me against the wall, his movements raw, swift and unforgiving.
I met him thrust for thrust, groan for groan and then he pushed away from the wall and landed us on the edge of the bed.

He changed angle and his next thrust hit a spot that made me see stars immediately.

“Fuck! Jere, just like that.”

He gripped my hips so tight, it could bruise and I bit my lips to keep from screaming.

“No, no. I want to hear it, I want to hear you,” he panted, sucking my lips from beneath my teeth.

The tension was so tight in my stomach, I felt like I was on the edge of breaking into pieces.
I gripped the sheets hard and arched my back away from the bed and sounds I’ve not heard before fell out from my lips.
The pressure building in my core and the wet sound of his body against mine, the sounds he was making himself, the unleashed passion, the reality that this thing, this moment was with Jeremiah, finally, was too much.

His hips pistoning into mine was getting uncoordinated, uncontrolled. He leaned down and bit on my neck and in a totally wrecked, absolutely destroyed voice said one my name,

“Belly….”
And that was all it took.

I cried out as light exploded behind my eyes. I threw my head back, almost lifting us both off the bed, my legs and arms tight around him, tears crawling down my left eye.

My body violently clamped down on his, grabbing him in a vicious grip.

The moment was so intense, I was panting his name and I blurted out.
“Nobody else has ever made me feel the way you do.”

He broke apart, his body convulsing with the sheer intensity of it, little whimpers bursting out of him.
We held onto each other until we finally stopped shaking and caught our breaths.

He shifted and pulled out of me, without words.
He slid off the bed, picked up his shorts from the floor and headed for the bathroom.
I sat up, the reality of what just happened, hitting me, his reaction to it, the meaning of it now.

He stayed in the bathroom for a long time, enough for all the glow from earlier to disappear, enough for me to start panicking.

When he finally came out, his eyes were puffy, he looked like he regretted it.
It was gut wrenching.

He stopped halfway to the bed and we just stared at each other. I didn’t know what to say, how to say it.
I felt like I had hurt him, taken something from me. I didn’t know how, I didn’t know when.

I slid off the bed, trembling, the sheet clutched to my chest.
I stopped in front of him and let the sheet fall, leaving me completely naked.

His eyes roved hungrily over my body but he didn’t make any move to touch me or come closer. His eyes were open and vulnerable.

I rested my palm on his cheek and for a moment, he closed his eyes against the feel of it.
It reminded me of that moment, after I told him I still loved Conrad, when he said, “I don’t know how to not love you, even now.”
I will never forgive myself that he said that and I still ran off, leaving him to deal with all the mess I made by himself.

“You are so gorgeous Jere,” I tell him softly, honestly. “I couldn’t not want you even if I tried.”

“Belly, we, I-this shouldn’t have happened. I was drunk, you were drunk, we were not thinking straight.”

“No, that’s not true at all. I wasn’t drunk, I wanted it. I wanted to kiss you then when everyone was watching and I wanted be with you after and I still want to.”

“Belly, we can’t-“

I slid my hand over to his neck and looked into his eyes. The words trailed off on his lips.

“Can we just pretend that we are different people? Just for tonight?” I pleaded.
He nodded.

I leaned on my tippy toes pressed my lips on his. I pulled back to see him open his eyes.

“I want you Jere,” I said. “I still want you.”

I took his hand and walked backwards to the bed and he followed me wordlessly.

I took off his shorts, dropped to my knees in front of him and took him in my mouth.

“Oh fuck!” He moaned. “This feels so good, Bells.”

I looked up at him as I worked him over. He stared at me, lips slightly open. Then I leaned down and licked my way around the tip, so my hair fell all over my face.

He grabbed a fistful of my hair and gently pulled them away from my face:

“You’re so terrifyingly beautiful,” he whispered.

When his eyes started to darken and he started to rock into my mouth, I released him with a pop and lick around him dry. He shivered at my treatment.
I reached over and got out a condom from the locker on my side of the bed and pulled it over him.

Then I got on my feet and pushed him down the bed.
He was so pliant and putty in my hands, he had no protests.

I climbed in after him and sank down on him.
His hands gripped my waist and I started rocking him. His eyes held mine, dark, unflinching, hungry, sensual. He let me go at my pace, not controlling, just guiding.

He lifted his hips to meet me and then his hands got restless and started roving all over my body, as much of it as he could reach. He glided over my stomach, over my stomach to my chest and teased my nipple.

My body involuntarily clenched down around him and he stilled immediately and grabbed my hips hard.

“Belly, wait, wait, slow down please…we need to slow down or I’ll come now.”

“Okay,” I said.

I stopped moving and waited. He sat up and kissed me, his fingers finding my folds and driving me crazy. Then he broke the kiss, elbows on the bed, his eyes hooded and leaned back to take my nipples in his mouth.

I gripped his hair hard and arched my back to give him even more access to everything.

I started panting and my body was gripping hard around him so he leaned back down on the bed and rocked upwards into me.
I picked up the pace again, both of us moaning, panting, groaning and straining against each other.

I was close, so close and his fingers were digging so deep to my hips, holding me tight, chasing his high and then, his movements started to become erratic and I was crying his name.

He reached up and rubbed my clit and I lost it.
I grind harder, uncontrollably at him until I collapsed against him, he followed shortly afterwards, his arms wrapped around me, kisses on my face and neck and shoulders.

Afterwards, we laid side by side, staring at each other, not saying anything.
I am afraid to break the moment, it feels too fragile, too momentous, too new to poke.

I trace a finger on his face, learning and relearning his features; every freckle, every spot, every bump and spot; over his nose, his eyelids, down his lips. He parts them and I trace the ridges on his lips. He nibbles on my finger and I laugh. I continue over his cheek, to his chest…
His was the face I loved all my life, the face I could never forget, wouldn’t forget.

“I missed you so much, Jere…”

He shifts lightly so our legs are touching.

“What did you miss?”

“Everything.” I say. “I missed seeing you, touching you, hearing your voice. I missed your laughter and your silly jokes and cooking with you. I missed falling asleep beside you, watching you sleep, having you fall asleep on my body. I missed teasing you and touching your hair and your smile and the way you bounced on your feet when you were restless or nervous. I missed knowing you, and being known by you, talking about everything with you, not hiding from you. I missed being proud of you, and telling my friends about you and wearing your shirts and dancing with you and watching movies with you and studying with you… I missed us.”

He listened in silence, his eyes never leaving my face. My heart was pounding in my chest but the more I said, the lighter it felt. I have never been afraid to say what I felt or thought with Jere.
That is something I didn’t realize was rare until it was gone.

He swallowed lightly, his hands finding mine under the sheets and linking with mine.

“Me too,” he says. “It was easier to miss mom when she died because I knew he was gone but you. You were alive and out there and I still missed you.”

I squeeze his hand because I don’t know what to say. It is my fault that happened, but right now, we are pretending to be people who didn’t hurt each other.

“I would say we should see a movie but we don’t have popcorn,” I tell him, changing the topic.

“Who says we don’t have popcorn?”

I widen my eyes as he slids off the bed into his luggage and returns with a back of popcorn. We find a hollow paper plate and pour it in.

“I never know what I will find when I travel so I always pack preserved essentials.”

“Popcorn is an essential?”

“Movie marathons are a must so yeah, popcorns are essential.”

I get out my laptop and put on Sabrina, one of Susannah’s favorite classics.

“I stopped liking this movie a long time ago,” he said.

“Okay, what do you want to watch?”

“Let’s see Bridgerton, the Anthony version.”

“Oh yeah, I love that one.”

I turn on Netflix and we start watching. At the episode where Edmund Bridgerton dies, we start talking about allergies and I tell him about the Epi Pens Taylor got.

“Good call,” he says. “We should all have one.”

“We are more likely to die from falling the stairs in your house than from bee stings. That was just a movie.”

“Well, even though, you can never be too careful.”

“You sound like Taylor,” I tell him.

“That’s a compliment,” he says.

We watch the rest of the movie in silence and I don’t want the moment to end, I want to stretch it into eternity so it never stops because I’m afraid of what will happen when dawn comes.

The whole night has been magical, seemingly untouched by our pasts. It is like us again and I don’t want to go back to the way it was before tonight.

Dawn is breaking when the movie ends and a part of me is panicking. I feel like Cinderella, watching the clock race to 12. I am not ready, I haven’t had my fill of dancing with the prince.

Jeremiah sets the laptop down on the locker as the credits start to roll and my heart is beating so fast.
I don’t want to cry but I want to.
I want to beg him but for what?
This is not on him, I can’t just wish things to happen.

“Come here,” he says, patting his laps. I scramble over to him and we hold each other so close.
His heart is beating as fast as mine.
I see it in his eyes too, the time is running out and he doesn’t want it to but it has to. Reality is a bitch and one night of magic doesn’t make everything right.

Then he kisses me, softly, with hunger but also with mercy. I hold his face and kiss him with everything in me, like he is oxygen and I am the one drowning.

I am the one drowning.

We kiss and kiss and then he slips his hand between us and I’m dripping wet and when he slides into me, our legs behind each other, it feels like home and a memory all at once.

I don’t want to miss him anymore, I want him to never leave.
We move against each other, our bodies in sync in more ways than one, our mouths fused together, breathing each other in.

I want to tell him I love him, that I never stopped but I can’t. Not today, maybe not ever.
So I lean down and bit down on the muscle on his neck and I never knew a man already hard, could get harder while already inside you.
He grips me tighter, pressing me so much against him until not even paper can fit between us and he tips his neck to give me more access and I bite down, as he shudders and groans.

And then the pressure is growing inside and so is the clock ticking in my head.
I try to drag it out, to delay it but it is inevitable.
He presses my butt, filling me more deeper, like he doesn’t ever want to let go.
The pleasure crashes over me in waves and pulls me under and I collapse on Jere but he holds me and he keeps going, he doesn’t stop and soon, I feel the buildup of a second moment, the tightening in my core in anticipation, the unquestionable slipperiness between us, the smell of sex and popcorn and shampoo in the room.

I pull back and I kiss him, so hard he’s going to bruise but I don’t care.
And then I fall over again and this time, he follows after.

“Oh Bells….”

I hear the sound of traffic waking outside of the room, cleaners rolling their carts through the hallway, elevator doors opening and closing, washing machines humming, machines beeping and I don’t want to sleep.

I cling to him, he is propped on the pillows that had separated us days before, my head on his chest and slowly, I am lulled to sleep by the sound of his beating heart.

When I wake up hours later, the time already ran out.
I missed breakfast.
And Jeremiah was gone, not even a hair of his left to show he had ever been here; just the rumpled sheets and the unbearable pain in my chest.

Chapter Text

I curled up on the floor by the side of the bed, my head between my knees and cried. There was something so devastating and gutting about waking up and realizing Jere dipped on me.

I thought I would be prepared for it, I thought I could take it in the morning but I had imagined he would just go back to his sullen indifference to me. I never thought he would completely up and leave and now I was left with silence so cruel and agonizing, it felt like a knife stab in my chest.

He was gone like he was never here; no note, no goodbye, no reason, like last night had meant nothing to him, like I meant nothing to him.

Last night was everything, it was like coming home after such a long time lost in the wild, it was being touched and seen by my person and he said he missed me, and he touched me like he meant it and looked at me like he still remembered, like maybe, maybe somewhere deep inside, he still loved me, deeply but it wasn’t to be. I had been hoping against a losing game.

I cried, my hands gripping the sheet around my chest because the pain was like hot iron in my heart that kept sinking deeper and twisting and burning my insides. It felt like a wound on a wound that should have been left to heal; it was one thing to try to move on if he was distant but how was I supposed to deal with his rejection after touching him the way I did, tasting him, remembering him, having him unravel beneath me, and being in his arm again?

I wanted to forget and then, I also wanted to remember forever, to remember him.

I started a fresh bout of tears.

The thoughts in my head were too painful. Was this what it felt like to mean nothing to someone that meant the world to you?

Sunlight streamed in through the blinds on my window and I hated it. I hated that the world was moving on while I grieved here, I hated that there was no homage paid to this  awful misery. I wanted to crawl under the ground and never see daylight again.

And the shame, how am I supposed to look Jeremiah in the face again after this?

What is left to say after this?

I felt like…junk…a discard. I gave my heart and it was thrown back at me because it was worth nothing; my heart, my words, they meant nothing to him and the worst part, I wasn’t even mad at him.

So where did he go?

Did he go back to New York already?

Was it really so bad, being with me that he had to cut his vacation short and go back home?

The possibility of that was even more punishing than waking up to his absence.

I was trembling so bad when I called Taylor. She answered after the third ring.

“The drinks must have done you in last night, they put you on timeout” she said, her voice still sloppy. It was 1pm. “We missed you at breakfast.”

I scrambled to make up an excuse. “Yeah, yeah. The Tequila here is built different, I actually just woke up.”

“I figured. You should get something to eat soon. You can join us for lunch at 3pm if you can or just order room service.”

She was talking so normal, like there was nothing different about today from the previous day, that calmed me a little.

“Sure, thanks.” And then I took a deep breath. “Ummm… do you know where Jere is?”

“Oh, he’s out surfing. He said he wanted to catch the morning waves. He mentioned on the group chat.”

The relief was immediate and palpable, it unclenched my chest.

“I haven’t checked the group. I slept so deep last night. So umm…do you know why he moved his things from my room?”

“Yeah! Someone checked out early this morning so he moved.”