Chapter Text
Itoshi Rin was four years old when his first soulmark appeared.
He hadn’t even noticed when Sae gasped while in the bath with Rin. He reached towards Rin and grasped his arm.
“Rin! Is that writing? Let me see it.” Rin easily let Sae take his arm with wide eyes. Some people never got any soulmarks in their life, most got them when they became teenagers, but for Rin to have one so early was practically a blessing.
The colour of the messy handwriting that had a crayon like quality to it was a purplish-red. The phrase wrapped up around Rin’s arm in a spiral from his elbow.
“What does it say Nii-chan?” Rin asked. Sae’s face squished a bit in a weird way. He brought a hand to his eyes and rubbed them, blinking at Rin’s arm.
“Nii-chan!” Rin demanded again.
“I can’t read it.” Sae dutifully told him, “It’s in a different language.”
Rin pouted, “How is that supposed to help me find them!”
“We can try looking in a dictionary…” Sae trailed off, his face screwed up in thought.
“Can we?” Rin tilted his head up to look at Sae.
“Yeah.” Sae dumped water over Rin’s head after saying this.
The younger brother yelped and flailed a bit. Rin quickly recovered, splashing some water back at Sae in retaliation.
Rin couldn’t wait to meet whoever his soulmate was then he’d have two people to play with instead of just his Nii-chan.
-
Rin gradually got a handful more soulmarks from his purple-red soulmate. The language his soulmate spoke, which they were able to find, was German. Rin was a bit disappointed at the idea that his soulmate was halfway across the world but he was sure they’d meet someday.
For now, he was content with Sae. As long as Rin had his older brother everything would be amazing.
-
Rin played with his toys on the sidelines as Sae played with his teammates. Rin smashed the toys together in a mockery of a fight. He wondered what it would be like to fight monsters like that. If it would feel satisfying to die after defeating an opponent stronger than himself.
Rin paused.
The strongest person he knew was his brother. Rin thinks that wouldn’t be a bad way to die, the only problem is that he would never want to fight with Sae.
Rin looked up at the game happening in front of him. His brother immediately catching his full attention. It was clear, even to a child like Rin, that Sae was the best player on the field, no other player could compete. But that also meant none of his teammates could keep up with his play style.
Rin’s big brother was super cool; Rin definitely wanted to be like Sae when he was older.
Nii-chan looks like he’s having fun, he thought, his gaze drifting across the field, Nii-chan’s teammates and opponents too.
Rin dropped his toys, standing up and walking around the field, right to where Sae passed the ball.
I want to know…
He kicked the ball as hard as he could into the goal.
…what that’s like!
Rin fell to the ground, unused to the momentum of such an action. Rin was amazed that he could do something cool like his big brother. He could hear people talking about him. Did he do something wrong?
“Rin.”
He looked up at the call of his name falling from a familiar voice. He saw Sae walking towards him, pushing his teammates out of the way.
“Sorry, Nii-chan. I…”
Sae interrupted before Rin could finish, crouching down and petting his head, “That was awesome, Rin. Play football with me.”
“Huh?” Rin looked at his older brother.
Sae continued, “You can be the second strongest player after me.”
Well, if Sae said so, then it must be true, Rin nodded, “Right.”
I have the kindest nii-chan in the world.
-
After that day, Rin continued playing with his brother. He trained as much as possible to match Sae’s level.
Of course, playing football wasn’t the only thing Rin did. He also spent some of his time learning German to understand his soulmarks. At the very least his burgundy coloured marks, seeing as his other soulmate also spoke Japanese.
Rin had surprisingly gotten a different coloured soulmark when he was eight years old. Written in a shock of elegantly scrawled purple.
‘I hope I’m a good big brother.’
That’s all it said and Rin wished he knew who his newest soulmark belonged to. They were his soulmate and if they were anything like his big brother then they’re definitely a good big brother.
Something inside Rin ached to hug them tightly and not let go. But he couldn’t do that because he didn’t know who they are.
He hopes their younger sibling loves them just as much as he loved Sae.
-
Nii-chan’s leaving.
It was the only thought cycling through Rin’s head.
Naturally, Sae’s talent was noticed by everyone and he was scouted to go to Spain. Rin was over the moon for his brother but also terrified.
He didn’t want Sae to leave him behind. He didn’t want his big brother to forget about him. He didn’t want to be anywhere without Sae.
But Sae was leaving and Rin could do nothing but smile in excitement. Their dream to be the best would only grow more with Sae leaving.
Rin would make sure to become the best in Japan and follow Sae to Spain. There was no doubt in his mind that that’s what will happen.
So when Sae turned to wave goodbye, Rin sent him away with a smile.
“Take care, Nii-chan!”
Just as Sae had taught him.
-
Rin could understand his soulmarks now. While he wasn’t fluent in German (he still spoke with a heavy accent and slightly stilted words) he now knew how to read the language perfectly fine.
The first soulmark he had ever received read, ‘Is magic not real?’
Rin didn’t believe in magic, Sae didn’t believe in it so why would he? But the crayon like burgundy made him irrationally upset.
If is soulmate believed in magic what was wrong with that? What was the person that decided to shatter their dreams supposed to gain by doing that?
Rin didn’t get it.
Rin didn’t get it at all.
But when he meets his burgundy soulmate he’ll make sure to ask them about the magic they believe in.
-
A year after Sae left, Rin was given a very special gift from his parents.
A younger brother. Completely unplanned and unexpected.
Rin gazed down at Itoshi Nao. A chubby little thing made of fat rolls with a scrunched and red face. Rin couldn’t help but be in awe as he reached out to poke the baby’s soft and squishy cheek.
Nao’s large black eyes, unseeing but still aware, blinked open and turned to Rin. The baby wiggled his arms around and latched his tiny fingers around Rin’s much larger finger poking his cheek.
Rin’s chest filled with a warmth that he’d only felt when thinking of his soulmates or when Sae praised him.
Is this what his own big brother felt when looking at him? If so, Rin can’t help but admire Sae even more for being able to stand not being practically glued to Rin.
His purple soulmate as well, they had a younger sibling didn’t they? Rin wonders if they would understand this overwhelmingly euphoric feeling.
Rin made a promise to himself then and there to care for this baby for the rest of his life, to the best of his ability.
-
Rin was worried.
Specifically, Rin was worried for his purple soulmate.
He had gotten a couple of soulmarks from them that were concerning before but nothing like this. Nothing like multiple appearing at the same time.
It had been a perfectly regular day of taking care of Nao, the three month old wasn’t very fussy so it was quite easy, while his parents were off at work. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until Rin changed to train that day.
He stared at his legs. There were several new phrases sprawled across his thighs. Rin stood in front of the floor length mirror and twisted around to see if there were anymore.
Across his stomach.
‘I can’t disappoint my parents.’
Along the edge of his scapula.
‘Koharu can’t find out, she’s too young.’
Wrapped around his thigh.
‘I should enjoy it.’
Rin didn’t understand.
What should his soulmate be enjoying? It’s obvious they hate it since it became a soulmark on Rin’s body. It wouldn’t have appeared otherwise.
His stomach churned. Rin wasn’t an idiot, he was actually quite smart for a 12 year old. He didn’t know what happened but his instincts were screaming that something was extremely wrong.
At least he knows more about them now? Their younger sister is named Koharu. That’s good at least.
The moment Rin finds his soulmate he’s going to find out exactly what his soulmarks mean. He hopes that it isn’t the worst option.
-
The next years were all more of the same. Feed Nao in the morning. Go to school. Practice. Listen to every single person about how he should be more like Sae. Go home. Look after Nao. Do yoga to destress. Sleep. Rinse, repeat.
His parents were rarely home, if ever. It pissed Rin off, Nao was only a toddler but they were just leaving him home alone? At least Rin was eleven when Sae left for Spain and his parents started leaving him at home alone.
Nii-chan was always their favorite, Rin couldn’t help but think bitterly.
It made sense since Sae was the best in every way imaginable but it still hurt to know their parents couldn’t care less about Rin. They only ever reprimanded him and told him to act more like his brother.
Rin could accept that, but ignoring Nao as well? It almost hurt more than them ignoring Rin himself.
The youngest Itoshi was the sweetest boy Rin had known in his entire life. Always saying things like “Nii-chan’s so cool!” and “When’s Nii-sama coming home?”. Nao hadn’t even met Sae but he seemed to love his oldest brother with his whole heart just because Rin did.
Rin couldn’t wait for two to actually meet. His beloved big brother and his adorable little brother. He wasn’t sure if Nao would take an interest in football but Rin was sure Sae would love the toddler anyways.
-
Sometimes Rin wondered if his soulmates were also soulmates. It’s not like it’s not possible, but he wondered.
If they are, do they have the same concerns as he does about each other? What do they think of him? What do the soulmarks they have from him say? Would they have concerns about him?
Rin wishes he could know.
Sometimes when Rin is too overwhelmed he imagines both of them are there comforting him.
Would his purple soulmate treat him like Koharu (he’s sure they adore her)? Would his amaranth (he finally figured out the colour) soulmate teach him about that magic they believe in?
(Sometimes when Rin can feel his own emotions choking him, he thinks of the possibility that both of them would despise him. Thinking of him as some sort of annoying bug they couldn’t get rid of.)
Sometimes Rin wished Sae was one of his soulmates; if only to know what his big brother’s thinking.
-
Rin was too excited to go home just yet. He’d made sure to make dinner for Nao to eat before going to school today because Rin knew that he wouldn’t want to go home.
Sae was finally coming home after four years of being in Spain. There was no way Rin was going to be able to sleep when he was going to see his older brother the next day.
Rin launched a ball into the net, scoring with ease.
White flakes drifted down, landing haphazardly. He looked up, “Oh. Snow.”
“The line of that shot wasn’t tight enough.”
For a moment, Rin was thrown into the past, playing with his brother again and being given that same reprimand after the game.
Rin began to turn, calling out, “Oh, Nii-cha-!“
He cut himself off seeing Sae standing at the edge of the field, suitcase in hand. Something was…off. Sae stared at him, expression unreadable, as Rin took in the sight of his older brother after all these years.
Sae hadn’t changed out of his Royale branded clothing yet and his bangs were shoved upwards out of his face.
Rin turned his body further towards Sae, “Welcome home.”
“Yeah. I’m back.” Sae responded.
“I see you in the news all the time.” Rin told him, “You’ve played in Royale’s academy games, scored goals…You’re awesome.”
Sae lifted the hand that was previously in his pocket, “There are people more awesome than me out there.”
“Where’s this coming from?” Rin couldn’t help but ask. The brother he knew wouldn’t care about something like that.
Sae clenched his hand into a fist, “I’ve updated my dream. I’m going to be the best midfielder in the world.”
“Huh?” Rin felt like he was five once again, “‘Striker,’ you mean. There’s no point in becoming the best midfielder in the world-“
“Shut up.” Sae interrupted, “Only someone who’s never been out into the world would say that.”
“What’s this about?” Rin felt himself getting desperate, “You said we’d fight together. That I should become the second best after you.”
“Right. So I’ll be the best midfielder, and you can be the best striker in the world-“
Rin was the one who interrupted his brother this time, shouting, “I’m the younger brother of the best striker in the world!”
Sae’s eyes widened, seeming surprised that Rin would say that.
Rin couldn’t believe the words coming out of his brother’s mouth. They were supposed to be the best strikers together. What was Sae talking about? ‘Best Midfielder’? Rin felt his world crumbling; if Sae didn’t want to be the best striker then was Rin and their promise nothing to him anymore?
Rin’s chest ached not in the same way it did when thinking of his soulmates, Sae’s praise, or Nao, but rather in the way when he knew something was wrong. When he finally understood his soulmarks and the worrying implications they had, when Nao was left home alone for hours at a time in the day, when every person he ever met compared him to Sae.
“Did you come back just to tell me something so lame?” Rin demanded, “I don’t want to see you like this.”
Rin looked Sae in those cold eyes of his, “I…You aren’t the big brother I shared my dream with.”
His older brother’s gaze sharpened into a glare, looking at him in a way Rin had never seen before.
“I see now.” Sae took both hands out of his pockets again, Rin hadn’t even noticed when he’d put them there, “We’re lukewarm. You and me both.”
“What do you mean?” Rin stared in shock, his brother had never called himself or Rin ‘lukewarm’ before, that was reserved for the idiots that weren’t good players.
“If you can beat me one-on-one, I’ll share that dream with you once more.” Sae proposed, “But if I win, our dream ends here.”
“No. You don’t get to decide that, Nii-chan.” Rin stepped back, his voice shaking, “I don’t want to play a game like this-“
“You ready, Rin?” Sae dribbled forward, “This is a one shot match.”
Rin couldn’t keep up with Sae’s movements, the older boy managing to slip past him.
So fast, Rin thought, he’s on a different level than when he was here.
But I’m not letting you go.
Rin ran after Sae almost managing catch up but being bested by Sae’s quick movements and dribbling.
This is where he is right now?
Why?
“Nii-chan!” Rin skidded in front of his brother.
Sae glared at him with those cold, cold eyes of his, “Rin, in the four years I’ve been away…”
Sae ran towards him performing a nutmeg as Rin lost balance, stumbling forwards.
“…what have you been doing here?”
Sae scored. Rin didn’t even have to look to know, he simply heard the net sigh as it stretched from the powerful kick.
“It’s over.” Sae stated.
“Hold on, Nii-chan.” Rin refused to believe this is how their dream would end, “After you left, I worked really hard. I did so to become the best in Japan and get scouted like you. So that I could be your replacement. I fought hard for the team and became the best in Japan like I promised. And now, it’s over, just like that?”
It was the first time Rin had felt such overwhelming despair, he was furious with Sae earlier, but now he just felt like he was going to cry.
“If I can’t chase my dream with you, then…I’ve got no reason to play football anymore.” It was true. If his big brother wasn’t playing with him then what’s the point? He couldn’t meet Sae’s eyes as he said this, not wanting to see what expression he’s making.
“Then quit.”
Rin tilted his head up making a small noise.
“Screw that ‘best in Japan’ shit. Screw that ‘your replacement’ shit.” Sae walked past him, only looking back to press salt directly into a just opened wound, “It makes me wanna hurl. Don’t ever use me as an excuse to play football. To me, you’re nothing but a nuisance. Just a little brother who’s a pain in the neck.”
Rin gaped at his brother’s back, eyes wide.
“You have no value.”
Rin could feel his breathing get heavier and erratic. His vision blurring at the edges as his heart tried beating out of his chest.
“Get lost, Rin. I don’t need you in my life anymore.”
“Nii-chan…” Rin muttered, mostly to himself as Sae walked away, not sparing a glance more for Rin.
-
Rin sat curled on his bed staring at the trophies he had gotten throughout the years.
The picture of him and Sae from the first tournament they won together stared back at him mockingly.
I’m done with football., Rin bit out in his mind, After all, I only ever did it to be near my nii-chan. But to him, I was only a trial horse to becoming the best in the world.
Rin curled further into himself, still looking at that stupid picture of Sae and himself.
Now that he’s done with me, I have no value, a small childish voice inside the back of his head screamed that it wasn’t true, but that voice was drowned by the other much louder voices.
The nii-chan I knew…all of it was a lie.
Rin stood up and ambled over to the dresser that held all of his awards and that stupid photo of a naive, idiotic child.
Before he knew what he was doing Rin heard a loud crash with the shattering of glass.
No. No. No, no, no!
Rin ground his teeth together, staring down at his balled hands with bloodshot eyes.
Those feelings…Those times we shared…I can’t pretend they didn’t happen. They weren’t lies!
Rin grit out words to himself, “I’ll kill him. He’ll pay for this.”
Rin wouldn’t accept this outcome no matter what.
He wasn’t sure how long he stood there but it was enough for a timid voice to come through the door.
“Nii-chan?”
Rin tensed up. It was Nao, his sweet three year old baby brother. Normally, Rin would happily answer the door, but now? After Sae abandoned him and their dream?
Rin didn’t think he could stand to look at Nao without throwing up.
“I heard a loud noise, Nii-chan, are you okay?”
Rin took a deep breath and called out, “I’m fine, Otouto, go to bed.”
There was shuffling on the other side, “…Are you sure, Nii-chan?”
“I’m sure.” Rin hoped he didn’t sound too forceful. If he did, would Nao leave him too?
“Okay!” he heard the light pitter patter of Nao’s feet as the boy walked away.
Rin put his head in his heads and begged himself not to throw up.
-
Rin despised his soulmates.
Once he met them, they would probably leave him just like Sae. Make promises they wouldn’t keep.
Rin hated them.
Rin hated that magic lover.
Rin hated that older brother.
He wanted to dig his nails into his skin and rip out the ink that bound him to these lukewarms. He wanted to rend his flesh apart so he’d never have to gaze upon such weak hearted thoughts.
‘Gibt es magie nicht?’
‘I hope I’m a good big brother’
He hated them
(He hated himself more for despising the people he cared most about.)
-
Rin leaned against the railing separating him from the ocean’s tumultuous embrace.
‘Win’
He glared at the stupid cheap popsicle stick. Sae had always said he wasted his luck on things like this. He scowled thinking of his shitty older brother.
It had been seven months since Sae returned from Spain. Now it was Rin’s birthday and the guy couldn’t even be bothered to show up.
Rin threw the offending stick into waves that quickly swallowed it whole.
If Rin jumped in would he be devoured just as quickly? It was an idle thought but Rin was curious now.
Would the waves be ravenous, tearing him apart from the inside out? Or would it be…peaceful?
Something in Rin itched.
He inched past the railing, gazing down into the broad expanse. Even with his new motivation to beat Sae, make him acknowledge that he was wrong, the concept of death called him in.
Would Sae love him again if he was dead? What’s the point in Rin even being alive if not for Sae?
Rin stood on the edge at the precipice of something. Something that only needed a single string more to snap for it to unravel.
But something else held it together.
Rin’s fingers twitched at his sides. Would the ocean’s embrace be anything like that magic his amaranth soulmate believed in? Or maybe it would be suffocating.
Maybe it’ll feel like the warmth he’s sure his purple soulmate gives to Koharu? Or would it be all-consuming and inescapable?
Maybe, just maybe it would feel like the warmth in his chest when Sae praises him. Or the warmth when Nao looks at him with those big trusting eyes that sparkle despite their inherent darkness.
Nao.
Rin sucked in a sharp breath, throwing himself away from the edge.
Even if Rin doesn’t know if he truly loves Nao anymore, if he’s even capable of expressing such an emotion for someone so innocent, Nao still needs him.
Perhaps not for much longer, when Nao starts warming up to Sae and sees what everyone else does. That Sae is so much better than Rin in every aspect of their lives.
Nao needs Rin.
And Rin will hold onto that for as long as possible even if he can’t stand being near Nao anymore.
Also there’s no chance in Hell that Rin is letting Sae off that easily without beating him first.