Archive of Our Own ^beta

Through the portal, ankle-high grass brushes against Link’s skin. The sky is an open, pure blue past the foliage, and the air smells like Faron— like old, undisturbed nature. Gnarled trees spill green leaves onto the ground and he can hear water rushing somewhere. Though Link has been in his fair share of forests, he’s definitely never seen this place before. 

When he goes to take a step forward, his leg stalls. It takes him a moment to register the feeling of weight, of something warm and limbed. Recoiling doesn’t dislodge it and Link glances down, cringing, fully expecting some sort of overly large spider or something of the like clinging to him. 

It’s a baby. 

“What the fuck,” Link says, then immediately claps a hand over his mouth. “I mean. What. Uh.” 

The baby— the baby— stares up at him with the largest, bluest eyes Link has ever seen. They’re so blue they could almost be teal, framed with blond lashes that match his wisps of golden-blond hair. His ears are adorably big and pointy for his head. 

Link picks him up. What else is he supposed to do? He’s out in the middle of basically nowhere with no houses or smoke in sight and he’s a baby. Holding him under the arms, Link brings the baby up to eye level and stares. 

The baby sneezes. 

“‘Scuse ya,” Link says. “What the— what are ya doin’ out here, li’l one? Where’s yer ma or pa at?” 

“Ba-ba-ba,” the baby answers unhelpfully. 

“Right,” Link mutters to himself. How is the baby supposed to know? 

Taking a second look, Link notes the slightly oversized blue tunic and cloth diaper. It doesn’t seem like he was abandoned, but how else would a little baby boy end up here at all? Thankfully, he doesn’t seem harmed in any way, just… alone. In the middle of a forest. 

Link’s heart twists just slightly. Rusl’s face is behind his eyelids when he blinks and he shakes his head to dislodge it. 

“Alrighty,” Link tells the baby, tucking him to his hip. “Guess you’re comin’ with me.” 

The baby gurgles in what Link hopes is assent. Unfortunately, this hope is immediately undermined when the baby twists and bites his arm. 

“Shi— ow!” Link yelps, because apparently this baby is old enough to have at least some teeth. “Hey!” 

The baby blinks his blue eyes up at him, wholly unrepentant and, against Twilight's better judgement, adorable. 

Goddammit. 

“If ya bite me again I’m hangin’ ya upside-down,” Link warns in his best authoritative tone. 

It’s a trick he’s done with both Malo and Talo in the past when they get too squirelly. It did backfire on him a few times though when they decided it was fun to get swung around like sacks of flour. 

The baby giggles at him. He clearly doesn’t take Link’s threat seriously, and perhaps he shouldn’t because that damn giggle is the cutest sound Twilight’s ever heard. 

Okay. One portal and one baby, and a world he’s never before seen. He can totally make this work.

 The baby is an escape artist. 

Link finds this out not ten minutes into his hike toward the where the sounds of water are coming from. He’s not even sure how the baby did it, but at some point when Link was only paying half his attention to the little thing, he somehow wriggled his way out of his arms and down his leg to the ground. 

“Um,” Link says, now aware of the lack of an extra twenty pounds on him. He stares at the baby as he finds his footing with tiny, careful movements. “Sorry, where d’ya think you’re goin’, baby blue?”

“Ashaba-ba,” the baby replies nonsensibly. 

And he begins to toddle away. 

Not very quickly or deftly, of course, as Baby Blue is in fact a baby, but Link hadn’t been aware he could even walk at all. Still, he is indeed walking. And away from Link. 

It takes all of two steps for Link to catch up to him. “Sir,” he tells him, “yer a baby. This here is a forest. ‘N you ain’ got no shoes on.” 

“Ragh,” Baby Blue grunts back. 

“I respect yer opinion,” Link says. “On th’ other hand, as I’ve said, yer a baby. I can’ trust ya sense ‘f direction.” 

He picks up the baby again. The situation repeats itself three more times in the span of the next fifteen minutes. 

“How,” Link asks of the creature sitting peacefully in the leaves. “How d’ya keep doin’ that?” 

Baby Blue giggles at him. 

Link points accusingly. “No. See, we ain’ doin’ that sorta manipulation in this here household. At this point, I ain’ even su’prised you was out here all alone, Baby. Yer a goblin, is whatchu are.”

Baby Blue Goblin beams up at him with three top teeth. It’s such a big smile that his nose scrunches up and his eyes squish closed— the picture of mischievousness. Link’s heart melts on the spot. 

“Yer so cute,” Link sighs in defeat. 

They compromise after that. This consists of Link using his spare patching cloth to tie around Baby Blue Goblin’s feet in some semblance of shoes so he can walk while Link holds his hand. It cuts their pace down by half, but Baby Blue Goblin seems more content, so Link decides to pick his battles. 

The forest thins into a bank quickly after that. Link keeps tight hold of Baby Blue Goblin’s hand as he watches the river pass them by. If he was alone, he might chance a swim, but he’s got this random baby and he has no idea how deep the water is or how strong the current might be. As it is, he decides to follow the river upstream. He’s bound to find something at some point.

Of course, what Link finds a few minutes later is a strange, large-headed and red lanky creature that is definitely a monster— though not one he’s ever seen before. 

It looks like it’s kicking rocks, for some reason, a little ways down the riverbank. It doesn’t seem to have spotted them yet, so Link picks up Baby Blue Goblin despite his squirming protests. 

“Behave,” Link whispers sternly to him. They might be able to sneak by if—

Baby Blue Goblin chooses that moment to let out a rebellious ear-splitting wail. 

The monster’s head whips towards them instantly. 

“Fuck,” Link allows himself to say just this once. 

He’s not confident in his ability to fight with a baby in one arm, so he quickly brings his pelt around his chest and balances Baby Blue Goblin on his hip to tie the ends together as the monster charges their way. Makeshift baby sling created, Link deposits the baby in it and draws his sword. 

The monster snarls as he meets the blade with a rudimentary club. Link pulls back and swipes again, this time knocking into the club so hard it flies from the monster’s hand. It makes a confused noise as Link spins, decapitating it. 

That was… easier than he thought it would be, actually. 

Baby Blue Goblin crows from the sling as if he can sense Link’s triumph. His chubby little hand appears, waving, and Link grasps it and shoves it back toward him lest he find something to grab and escape with. 

“Yer evil,” Link tells him, poking at the baby’s tummy. “Yes, you are. Yer the evillest li’l thing I ever did meet.” 

Baby Blue Goblin preens at this. Link laughs, pulling the sling tighter around his chest and feeling Baby Blue Goblin shift into a little ball as he babbles quietly to himself. 

He’d forgotten how warm babies are. 

Link spots smoke not too much later, a long wisp of grey streaking across the blue sky in the distance. Baby Blue Goblin was still for a bit, but has been rolling around incessantly in the sling as his babbles grew louder. He’s probably hungry, and Link himself wouldn’t say no to food either. 

The smoke ends up coming from a large canvas structure with a horse head on top of it. There’s a handful of people milling about, some wearing the same uniform, some looking like travellers. As Link nears the border, one of them calls out to him in an amiable tone and points him to the counter. 

“Welcome to Riverside Stable! Ember at your service,” the man behind it says. He looks Link over with an appraising eye. “Haven’t seen you around before. Are you new to these parts?” 

Link blinks once before rushing to answer. “Ah, yeah.”

“Well, then, as you probably know, we deal in all things horse related. We also double as an inn,” Ember tells him. “If you’ve come with a wild horse, you register it with us here, or if you want to stay for a rest, please head to the counter inside.” 

Baby Blue Goblin, apparently tired of a conversation that didn’t end in food, yells from inside the sling and gives a kick. Link sighs a little, resting a hand around one of the “straps” in case he tries to make a getaway. 

“Uh, this may sound odd,” Link starts, “but d’ya know of anyone ‘round that’s lost a baby?” 

Ember stares at him, one eyebrow slowly raising. “That’s a first,” he says. “I do not, no. By ‘lost’, do you mean…?”

“Found ‘im in them woods over yonder,” Link points in the vague direction they’d come from before pulling the squirming Baby Blue Goblin out of his pelt as evidence. “Jus’ by his lonesome. I was jus’ wonderin’ if anyone were lookin’.” 

Baby Blue Goblin blows a raspberry. Ember’s other eyebrow raises to meet the second as he studies him. A strange expression flits across his face for barely a second. 

“Unfortunately, I can’t help you there,” Ember sighs. “But I only deal with travellers. However, there aren’t any villages for miles. I don’t think…” 

Link’s heart drops a bit, stomach tightening as he and Ember come to the same conclusion. A baby couldn’t have travelled a day’s distance by himself. He simply couldn’t have gotten that far, much less safely. 

That meant someone left him. A baby. 

“I think rest would be good,” Link says softly. “Thank ya.” 

Inside, Link pays the 20 rupees for a bed. Ember stares at his money, head cocked, but takes it after an uncomfortable beat. Link settles himself on the mattress before releasing Baby Blue Goblin, who clambers over the blankets and sticks the edge of one in his mouth. It takes him all of two seconds to start crying that the blanket isn’t, in fact, edible. 

“Alright, alright,” Link murmurs. He picks Baby Blue Goblin up again and bounces him a bit, glancing over at Ember like the man will know what to do. Sighing, he walks out of the tent and spies a couple apples tossed onto a crate. One of the stablehands shrugs uncaringly when he gestures at them, so he takes one. 

Biting off little chunks for Baby Blue Goblin quiets him down. Link takes a few bites himself, considering. He could head to one of the villages, but he doesn’t know why he’s here. The portal had to have some sort of meaning, didn’t it? Especially to send him to this new place? 

But the baby has to come first. Link can’t exactly go hunt down monsters or whatever with him. Maybe there’s an orphanage in one of the villages, or at least a family willing to take him on while Link’s gone. 

He lets Baby Blue Goblin slip to the ground to explore as he rethinks. While he’s gone? Link doesn't intend on keeping this baby. 

Does he? 

Baby Blue Goblin has sat down in the dirt a few feet away, and he gives a curious burble that catches Link’s attention for some unknown reason. Peering around the baby, he sees Baby Blue’s got a small rock clutched in one hand. 

Noticing Link’s attention, the goblin turns halfway and holds it out for Link’s inspection. 

“Tha’sa nice rock,” he tells him indulgently.

Baby Blue Goblin seems to agree. He tucks the rock close again, studying it with his big eyes. Link narrows his gaze at him; there’s a suspicious impish air around him.

Baby Blue Goblin flicks his eyes back to Link. And Link knows. 

“Uh-uh,” he says. “No.” 

Baby Blue Goblin slowly raises the rock to his mouth. 

“No,” Link insists. “No mouth.” 

Link could swear there’s a bit of a pout to Baby Blue’s lips, but he listens and lowers the rock. A few inconspicuous moments later, he shuffles so that his back is to Link and checks over his shoulder. 

You’re kidding me, Link thinks. 

“Baby Blue Goblin,” Link reiterates sternly. “Don’ ya dare. Rocks ain’ good for babies.” 

Baby Blue Goblin ignores this. Link gets to his feet, marching over to discover that yes, the rock is firmly in Baby Blue Goblin’s mouth. He grabs the baby’s arm and yanks it away, snatching the rock from him. 

“Yer so bad,” Link scolds, shaking his head. He goes to toss the rock away, but freezes when he glances down at it. 

There’s a bite taken from it. 

“What the hell,” Link says, dumbfounded. 

“Mmm,” Baby Blue Goblin says triumphantly. He grins, showing off his mouthful of unbroken teeth and pebbles. 

Why could I not get a normal baby, Link thinks, tired. He quickly makes good on his earlier threat; he grabs Baby Blue by his ankles and gently shakes him upside-down, squishing his cheeks with one hand to make him spit out the bits of rock. 

“Do not eat rocks,” he tells him gravely when he flips Baby Blue Goblin upright again. “‘f I catch ya ‘gain—” 

Baby Blue Goblin cackles, trying his damnedest to squirm from Link’s grip. He squeals when Link pinches his cheek again, grabbing onto Link’s fingers with his tiny fists and making Link laugh a little himself. He gives Baby Blue a quick peck on the forehead before releasing him into the wild again. 

When he glances up, he meets a different blue gaze. The man is one of a group that has just entered the stable grounds, with blond hair that’s a shade of light gold and a long scarf around his armoured shoulders. 

“Sorry,” the man says, his eyes dancing with an amused light, “what did you call your kid?” 

Twilight would like to say that Baby Blue Goblin is a much better name than Link, apparently. However, the seven other Links he just met disagree. 

“You can’t call a baby that,” Legend says, affronted. Sky nods enthusiastically behind him. 

“He’s a baby,” Twilight replies defensively, “‘n he got blue eyes ‘n he’s an evil goblin. I ain’ see what the problem is.” 

“As a nickname, maybe?” Four offers. 

“He still needs a name!” Sky argues. “Someone abandoned the little guy, you can’t do double damage like this.” 

“He seems perfec’ly fine with it,” Twilight says. 

Legend rolls his eyes, pointing at Baby Blue Goblin where he’s standing on Time’s lap and poking at his pauldrons. “He’s a fucking baby. He doesn’t even know what a name is!” 

“Exac’ly!” 

“Perhaps,” Time cuts in. His carrying voice shuts them all up, though it is a bit undermined by how Baby Blue Goblin is attempting to crawl up his shoulder to his head. “We should focus on why we’ve been brought together.” 

“And take a baby on a quest with us?” Warriors asks as he grabs Baby Blue around the waist to save Time’s hair from incorrigible tangling. 

“Well,” Wind says as if he hadn’t been entranced by the goblin from first sight, “he doesn’t have anywhere else to go, does he?” 

Legend snickers, “As if you’re that much older than him.” 

“Fuck off!” 

Twilight sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. He watches Warriors attempt to present Baby Blue Goblin to Hyrule, who looks horrified at the prospect of holding the creature in front of him. Baby Blue babbles and makes grabby hands at him anyway.

“What I was thinkin’,” Twilight says longsufferingly, “is that we bring ‘im to one of the villages nearby ‘n see ‘f anyone can care for ‘im while we’re gone.” 

“We’re keeping the baby?!” Wind gasps excitedly. 

“Wait, hold on a damn minute,” Legend swings his hands out like he’s calming a rambunctious horse. “No one ever said we’re keeping the thing.” 

When Twilight glances over at Time, his single eyes is sparkling with that same mischievous light Baby Blue Goblin gets. Time asks, “What about a vote? Who would like to keep Baby Blue Goblin?” 

Wind, Sky, Warriors, and Time raise their hands immediately. After a second, Twilight raises his own as well. Given Hyrule’s reaction, Twilight’s not sure he’s ever seen a baby before this, so his non-vote is null in Twilight’s mind. 

Then Legend raises his hand with a sigh. 

Four asks dryly, “Does any of us even know how to take care of a baby, much less raise a child?”

“Majority rules!” Wind crows back. “The creature is ours!” 

“Uh,” Hyrule says, hazel eyes wide. “Um. Where is he?” 

Silence reigns for three seconds straight as they all look at each other, then to the ground. There’s scuffings of dirt here and there, but the tent is conspicuously baby-free. The silence is cut short as their group explodes.  

“Fucking hell—” 

Ember recommends they head to Hateno Village first. 

“It’s the farther of the two settlements around,” he tells them, watching Baby Blue Goblin wander after the stable dog. “But they have a lot of kiddos there. You could try talkin’ to Purah. She works up in a lab in that area, and rumour has it she knew the hero before the Calamity.” 

Twilight exchanges a look with Time. The latter frowns, hands on his hips, and asks, “There’s a hero here?” 

Ember waves a hand dismissively. “Oh, a hundred years ago, there was. He’s dead now— killed in the Calamity along with the rest of the army. He protected our princess ‘til the end, and she’ll come down on anyone’s heads if they try to disrespect his sacrifice.” 

Twilight’s stomach lurches. His throat pulls tight as grief that shouldn’t be his haunts the air like a tangible ghost. 

“That’s regrettable,” Warriors says softly. 

“Indeed,” Ember agrees. “But it’s been so long now most people don’t remember talk of heroes anymore. We all get on just fine, especially since Calamity Ganon has been vanquished once and for all. The road is much safer now! Plus, Link makes his rounds with the monster camps if any stragglers appear.” 

Ganon and Link. Two familiar names in near conjecture to each other, but Ember said there isn’t a hero? 

“A Link!” Wind bursts out. “Where is he? What does he look like?” 

“Hmm,” Ember rubs his chin. “He’s a bit of an odd fellow, doesn’t much like bananas.” 

He stops strangely there, leaning his elbows on the counter to look them all over with a sharp eye. Twilight tilts his head, confused, and looks at Legend who only gives an equally confused shrug. 

Suddenly much brighter, Ember smiles and links his hands together. “He’s an adventurer like the lot of you, so I can’t say precisely where he is at any given moment. He’s been appointed Princess Zelda’s new knight, I believe? Anyway, you’ll know him if you see ‘im. He’s got long hair and big burn scars here—” he drags his fingertips down the left side of his face and down his neck. “Pretty hard to miss.” 

Time thanks the stablemaster and he points out their route to Hateno with a warning not to travel at night. Starting out on the path, Twilight lets Baby Blue Goblin down to walk beside him in their compromise fashion. Warriors comes over and grabs Baby Blue’s other hand, a gentle smile on his lips. 

“He’s pretty darn cute,” Warriors says, lifting Baby Blue Goblin to give him a bit of a swing. “Can’t believe someone would just leave Baby Blue out in the woods like that.” 

Twilight hums in agreement. Baby Blue Goblin resumes his baby chatter, studying Warriors' hand closely. He gives a snort of laughter when Warriors swings him up again. 

“I’m not calling him that,” Legend grumbles from ahead of them. 

“Ya literally called ‘im ‘Thing’ earlier,” Twilight shoots back. “Still loads better than that.” 

“You’re calling a baby. Baby.” 

“He is a baby?” 

Legend huffs. “That’s not the fucking point, country boy.” 

Twilight reaches down to cover one of Baby Blue Goblin’s ears; Warriors reciprocates on the other side, grinning as he says, "Language." 

Legend groans, dragging an open palm down his face. “He’s a baby, he doesn’t understand—” 

Baby Blue Goblin shrieks at the top of his tiny voice, which is loud enough to make Twilight’s ears ring. He then pulls his way out of Twilight’s grip and attempts to run as best he can, forgetting that he has to now escape Warriors as well. 

Warriors laughs and hauls Baby Blue Goblin up by his arm, swinging him around to pick him up properly. “You’re an escape artist, is what you are!” 

Twilight grins. Legend’s eyes narrow. 

“Y’know,” Twilight says, “I also have discovered that myself.”

Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist grumbles and smacks Warriors in the face. 

“You didn’t buy any diapers?” Four accuses. 

Twilight, who is caught between restraining a naked baby and fishing in his bag for his extra undertunic glares. “Where’n heck was I s’pposed to get ‘em?”

Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist twists and rolls out of Twilight’s grasp. He is surprisingly strong for a baby, but thankfully Twilight is surprisingly strong for a Hylian so he catches Baby Blue about the chest and holds him down again. Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist screams. 

“Here,” Time holds out his hand. 

Twilight deposits the extra undertunic in it, and Time begins to cut it into usable squares with a dagger. Baby Blue is not happy about this arrangement and kicks viciously at Twilight’s wrist. Hyrule, bless his weird, weird, soul, offers the creature a rock to grab and distract himself with. 

“Wait, no—” Twilight grabs the rock by a centimetre before Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist can bite into it. “Thanks, ‘Rule, but this baby ain’ normal ‘n he will eat that.” 

Hyrule blinks slowly. “... is he not allowed to?” 

Twilight stares at him. 

Of course, the aptly named Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist uses this opportunity to twist again, getting to his feet lightning fast and toddling away. Twilight groans. 

“Rancher,” Legend deadpans, watching as the naked Baby Blue zips past him. “There’s something wrong with your baby.” 

“How dare you,” Wind gasps. He snatches Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist up from under his armpits and swooshes him up. “He is perfect.” 

“Uh, Wind,” Twilight coughs in warning. 

Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist pees on him. Wind screams. Warriors nearly collapses laughing behind him, having to hang onto Time’s arm to stay upright. Time, thank his unflappable soul, shakes the captain off and rescues Wind from Baby Blue. Once he’s delivered back to Twilight, he promptly puts a new cut nappy on him. 

“We are,” Sky says between helpless giggles as Wind gags dramatically, “so not cut out for this.” 

Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist fights sleep like he’s fighting for his life. 

Twilight watches him on Warriors’ shoulder as Baby Blue engages in a single-sided staring contest with Twilight. His eyes are slightly bloodshot, but he will not close them like it’s a matter of principle. Twilight watches as Baby Blue blinks for just a second too long before pulling his eyelids up again with visible effort. 

“Is he out yet?” Warriors whispers. 

“Nope,” Twilight replies gravely at a normal volume. 

“We gotta be almost there, right?” Sky asks. He sounds defeated enough for all of them put together. 

Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist wails, one chubby fist rubbing his eyes. He smacks his forehead into Warriors’ shoulder— armor free now because he did that already— and cries again. 

“Is he hungry?” Hyrule wonders, strained. 

Twilight shakes his head, returning to his staring contest. “We shared a whole apple earlier. He’s jus’ tired.” 

“Then he should go to sleep,” Legend mutters. 

“Ain’ how babies work,” Twilight replies with a shrug. “You could try an’ put ‘im down t’ see if he can run himself ragged.” 

Warriors lowers Baby Blue to the ground, helping him balance on his tiny feet before letting go. The goblin creature doesn't move; he just stares up at Warriors with watery blue eyes and screams. 

“Oh—” Warriors says, fumbling. 

“AAAAAAAAAA!” Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist replies. 

Tears begin to run down his squished-up cheeks, his hands screwed into little fists. He flops onto his bottom and actually kicks his feet in pure baby rage. 

Twilight sighs, stepping forward. Baby Blue sniffles and raises his arms with drama and implorence. Twilight concedes despite the threat of the kicking feet and hands to pull his hair. Thankfully, once Baby Blue is in contact with someone again, he settles with another small sniffle. 

“Clingy, huh?” Four comments, but Twilight can see his indifferent mask is slipping. 

“Oh,” Baby Blue murmurs accusingly, and continues to make growlish and angry noises under his breath, eyes wide open. 

“Are you sure he’s not hungry?” Sky wonders, poking lightly at Baby Blue’s cheek. The goblin swats at him. “Don’t babies, y’know, drink milk?” 

“Are you wanting one of us to spontaneously form breasts?” Legend returns dryly. 

Wind cackles; Sky turns beet red instantly. “That’s—!” 

Twilight coughs around his own snicker very inconspicuously. “Uh, no. Given his teeth, his verbaln’ss, ‘n that he can walk by his lonesome, M’ster Escape Artist is prob’ly jus’ fine without breastfeedin’. My guess is he’s ‘round a year old.” 

“Aren’t you just ancient,” Warriors coos. “You and Wind are nearly the same age!” 

Wind groans loudly, aiming a precise kick at the back of Warriors’ leg, but Warriors dances out of his reach, grinning. 

“If we’re ancient, you’re fucking decrepit,” Wind threatens, flipping him the bird with both hands. 

“Not in front of the baby,” Time calls over his shoulder like he just Knows. “You’ll corrupt him.”

Legend scoffs slightly. “With us as his family? Kid’s doomed from the start.” 

Hyrule, who has been quietly shooting looks at Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist the whole time, pokes Legend’s shoulder. “Shh,” he insists. “He’s asleep.” 

Twilight stills, listening to the evening out of Baby Blue’s breath, the slight whistle of a baby snore. Their group falls into anticipatory silence that practically buzzes; Four looks like he wants to celebrate on the spot. 

And then Baby Blue pops his head back up off Twilight’s shoulder, awake and victorious as can be. 

They make it to the ruins as the sun begins to set. 

Passing through the weathered gate feels almost like crossing into a different time; behind it is thick forest where there had been only grasslands before, and everywhere, everywhere is toppled stone and the lingering smell of ash. Twilight spots a stained and rusted blade abandoned on the ground, half hidden by tree roots. He presses his lips together tightly and looks away. 

Hyrule points out a couple of apple trees silently and they gravitate in that direction. Baby Blue has finally passed out cradled in one of Twilight’s arms, but he shifts and murmurs like he can tell even in his sleep the air is heavy here. 

“Did you see the dead creatures on our way in?” Time asks quietly. 

A couple of them make sounds of acknowledgement. Twilight thinks back to the strange, twisted metal of the almost spider-looking things that are littered around. There had been many outside this wall in particular, though. Looking at them sent a shiver racing down Twilight’s spine like they might come alive any second. 

“I wonder what happened here,” Four muses, studying an apple in his palm. 

“I feel it’s obvious,” Legend drawls, but he’s not looking at any of them. “This was some sort of stronghold, given the gate that spans even the river. It fell.” 

“In the Calamity thing that guy mentioned?” Wind asks through a mouthful of fruit. “Sounds like Ganondorf went on a bloodspree.” 

“And killed the hero,” Sky murmurs. 

Uncomfortable silence settles about them. Twilight watches Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist, the rise and fall of his chest, his little sniffles and snores. He runs a light thumb along his tiny temple. 

“He said there’sa Link, though,” Twilight offers after a moment. “‘N someone had to put down the beast, even ‘f they ain callin’ him a hero. That’s prob’ly why we're here.” 

Time hums in assent. “We should ask around when we get to the village. It sounds like he might be a wanderer like our traveller here, but someone may know where he’s going or where he frequents.”

“And if he doesn’t want to be found?” Hyrule asks softly. 

“I’m not sure any of us did want that,” Legend counters, though not roughly. “It’s not like we get much of a damn choice in the matter.” 

Birdsong trills along the trees above them. Twilight stares at an old cookpot, at the rusted weapon. The whole place is a tomb; he can feel it the same way he feels the breeze on his face. 

They keep moving after that, mobbing the apple trees here and there like a school of fish after bait. Twilight doesn’t think any of them were keen on staying, really, and none of them like to waste light. The trees disappear again soon enough, leaving them with rough-hewn stone walls instead and the river to their right. Twilight lets the burble of it quiet his thoughts as they walk. 

They end up stopping under a section where the riverside mountain has an overhang shadowing the path. The dusk paints the sky a light purple as the first star pokes its head out— and as if sensing it, Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist does, too. 

“I hate t’ tell y’all,” Twilight says as they lay their bedrolls on the river bank, “but Goblin here ain’ gonna sleep the whole night through.” 

Baby Blue babbles in agreement, sand spilling from his hands as he watches them set up. Twilight smiles a little and sticks his tongue out at him. He settles on his bedroll and pulls out his rations with a sigh. 

“What,” Wind demands. 

Twilight shrugs a shoulder. “He ain’t. He’s gonna get hungry or fussy.” 

“The saying is a lie,” Four mutters into his own rations. 

Baby Blue lets out a small yell as if he can sense they’re talking about him. When Twilight glances over, the escape artist is pointing directly at him. 

“What?” Twilight asks, then looks down at his food. “Oh– ‘m stupid. C’mere, then.” 

Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist toddles over, almost losing his footing once in the sand. Twilight snorts a bit but bites off a tiny bit of jerky for him. 

As soon as it’s in his mouth, Baby Blue begins wobbling oddly. His face squishes up into his cheeky squirrel smile, shoulders swaying as he bounces slightly, blue eyes positively shining. 

“Is he…” Warriors says in disbelief. “Is he doing a happy food dance?” 

Wind bursts into giggles as Baby Blue stills and points for more. As soon as Twilight does, he resumes his dance, which only sends Wind even farther off the deep end. 

“He totally is,” Sky says with half wonder, half amusement. “Oh my Hylia. He totally is, that is so cute!” 

“Rah-ba,” Baby Blue babbles imperiously, now focusing on Time’s food in apparent recognition that it’s different from Twilight’s. He points. “Agh!” 

Time, smiling, offers him a bit of the dried banana he’s eating. Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist chews consideringly, head high, before waving his arms and doing his dance again. It’s possibly the most delighted Twilight has ever seen a baby be, and he can’t help his own laughter as Baby Blue carefully makes his way around the group to demand tax from all of them. 

When he approaches Hyrule, the traveler almost shies away from him, shooting an uncertain look towards Legend. While Twilight hasn’t known these guys all that long, one would have to be blind to not notice how skinny Hyrule is. 

“Yer good, ‘Rule,” Twilight calls. “He’s spoiled as it is— c’mere, Blue.” 

Baby Blue lets out an indignant, keening noise and lifts his arms toward Hyrule. Twilight can’t help but snort at the look of pure panic on Hyrule’s face, stifling it with a cough. 

“Um,” Hyrule says. 

“Aaghh,” Baby Blue persuades, inching closer. He’s smiling cutely, his big eyes on the traveller with his head tilted slightly— a damn charmer.

“He wants a hug,” Wind observes skillfully. 

“He’s tryin’ t’ beguile ‘im, is what he’s doin’,” Twilight sighs, getting to his feet to distract the child. 

He does this by snatching Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist’s ankles and hoisting him into the air upside-down. Baby Blue shrieks in delight at this, hands waving gaily as Twilight swings him back and forth. 

“That cannot be good for him,” Four says, but Twilight can hear the smile in his voice. 

“Goblins are hardy creatures,” Time replies wisely. 

Twilight gives Baby Blue a final swing and deposits him on one of his shoulders, holding him steady with a hand as he heads back to his bedroll. Baby Blue complains when Twilight puts him back on the ground. 

“I can take first watch,” Twilight says over the irritated warbles. 

Warriors sighs in mourning but raises his hand. “Second. Wind’s got third.” 

“Hey!” 

“Fine by me,” Twilight agrees. He turns on Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist, poking him gently in the chest. “An’ you are gonna go down, aren’tcha?” 

Baby Blue blows a raspberry, definitely intending on not doing that. His defiance is cut short when Warriors makes his way over, scarf in hand, and plops it on the baby. The goblin is immediately lost in feet of blue fabric. 

Twilight laughs as Baby Blue throws his hands out indignantly, his fingers outlined in the fabric. He laughs even harder when he manages to get his head out because the sight of Baby Blue all wrapped up in Warriors’ scarf is hopelessly, hopelessly adorable. 

“Jail,” Warriors tells him, though the word is hardly a word at all through his own giggles. 

Baby Blue narrows his eyes at the captain and pouts. 

He’s still wrapped up when he starts snoring thirty minutes later.

“Rancher,” someone hisses in Twilight’s ear. 

Twilight jolts awake, shoving himself upright even as the morning-bright sky sears his eyes. Holding a hand over them to block the light, Twilight squints and gives a “huh”. 

“Rancher,” the same person says in a grave tone— it’s Four. “I don’t think your baby is actually a baby. Also, help.”

Giving himself half a second to rub his eyes, Twilight looks in the direction Four is pointing. 

Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist is scaling the cliff on the other side of the path. The small but sheer cliff where the hill above drops off into the river valley. 

He’s halfway up. 

“What the fuck,” Twilight says.

After detaching Baby Blue from the cliff face in a process that involved hookshots, standing on Time’s shoulders, and much of Twilight’s sanity, they decide to wash up in the river before heading on their way. Twilight starts to ask about who would want to take baby shifts while they do so, and strangely enough, Hyrule offers to watch him the whole time. 

He’s standing on the bank with Baby Blue as Twilight dunks his head, holding his hand while they put their feet in. Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist blathers to Hyrule while trundling as fast as possible with Hyrule’s hand up and down the bank. 

There’s a soft expression on Hyrule’s face Twilight hasn’t ever seen before. Twilight smiles to himself as he watches the two of them. Baby Blue proudly presents Hyrule with a seashell fragment. Hyrule takes it and puts it in his pocket. 

“He can’t swim,” Legend says quietly, drifting over. 

“Hm,” Twilight hums. His gaze catches on one of Legend’s shoulders where an odd branching scar stretches over his collarbone and shoulderblades. It has a brutal pattern to it; Twilight’s never seen something like it before. 

“Don’ think he’s ever seen a baby ‘fore, neither,” Twilight offers, glancing back at the duo. Baby Blue’s mouth is suspiciously sandy. 

He looks over at Legend in time to see him switching his gaze from Twilight’s arm to his face. That’s fair, Twilight thinks, resisting the urge to roll the scarred-over joint. 

“Can’t blame him for that one,” Legend shrugs. “I didn’t think any of us would be good with kids.” 

Twilight grins. “Speak fer yourself. ‘Sides, does Goblin r’lly count as’a kid at this point?” 

“He’s so weird,” Legend says, clearly affectionate. “Like, what the hell is wrong with him?” 

Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist sticks one chubby arm straight out towards them and waves. Neither Twilight nor Legend hesitate to wave back. 

On their hike out of the valley, there’s a traveller crying off the side of the road. 

Twilight exchanges a concerned glance with Sky as they near her. She’s curled in on herself, hands protectively over her head as she shakes and sobs. 

“Ma’am?” Sky asks gently, breaking off slightly from their group to get closer to her. “Are you okay?”

The woman sniffles, not lifting her head. “I’ll never see him again…” 

Sky frowns, reaching out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Who, ma’am?” 

The woman freezes. Sky retracts his hand quickly, taking a step back to give her some room as she straightens. She stares at him, first with confusion, then with teeth bared a rage takes over her face. 

“Begone, enemy of my master!” she snarls. 

“Oh, excellent,” Warriors sighs as she leaps back from them, her outfit— disguise? — changing with a poof into a red bodysuit and white mask. 

She charges at Sky with unnatural speed, a strange spiked circular weapon wielded in her hand. Sky slips to the side and she cuts nothing but grass. Twilight moves in to cover him while he draws his sword, but the woman steps back and lifts her arms, flourishing them in a circle before she disappears on the spot. 

“What—” Wind says. 

She reappears right behind him. 

Legend blocks her next strike with his shield, lunging forward to swipe at her, but she backflips out of reach. She charges again and Legend spins around her to her unguarded back, catching her in the side with his blade. She hisses and disappears again. 

She drops out of the air right over Warriors’ head. Warriors, who has Baby Blue tucked in a sling fashioned from his scarf across his chest. 

“No—” Twilight starts to say, reaching, but Warriors drops and rolls forward just in time. 

When he stands again, the baby sling is empty and Baby Blue Escape Artist is on the attacker's head. Clinging on like some sort of mutated spider, Baby Blue babbles, leans over, and sinks his teeth into her ear. She doesn't react immediately, probably because she has to process the fact that there's a baby on her head— and if that isn't a first in innovative fighting style Twilight doesn't know what is. 

Before she can recover from the missed attack and the feral goblin attack, Time hauls Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist off and (covering Baby Blue's eyes with one hand) stabs her in the chest. 

“What the fuck was that,” Legend says, dropping into a crouch to examine the woman’s discarded weapon. “Pretending to be someone in need just to attack whoever comes up? Who does that?” 

"A baby just created an opening for us," Warriors replies faintly. 

“Her mask is an upside-down Sheikah symbol,” Time offers. “This looks like some type of uniform.” 

“No wonder that stablemaster was so wary,” Sky murmurs, a muscle corded tight in his neck. “How far are we from the village, you think?” 

"Guys," Warriors implores, "that baby just fought an assassin." 

Twilight sighs in answer Sky. “Not close ‘nough. But we’ll prob’ly get there t’night at the latest if Tasseren’s time est’mate were right.”

“If there isn’t an inn,” Wind says, dead serious, “we riot.” 

“Wa?” Baby Blue asks. Through the cracks in Time's fingers, Twilight sees him lick Time's hand.  

Twilight pats his head, mussing his baby-thin blond hair until it sticks up every which way. Baby Blue Goblin grunts. 

“She also had seven bananas,” Time offers. 

“Body bananas,” Wind whispers, and Four gags dramatically.

Hyrule pats Warriors on the shoulder consolingly. 

“We just went in a circle,” Hyrule says, hand raised a little like he’s saying a pledge. 

Four looks forlornly at the signpost they’d definitely just passed five minutes ago. “I’m pretty sure the road went in a circle.” 

“Who the fuck makes the road a circle, Four?” Legend groans. 

“They did.” 

“Ugghh.” 

“If I may,” Warriors says. “It was literally five minutes. We’re not dying.” 

“I’m dyin’,” Twilight offers. 

His claim is backed up by the fact that Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist, who’s been sitting on his shoulders since the attack, has been a) playing with Twilight’s hair, b) pulling Twilight’s hair, c) chewing on both Twilight’s hair and head, for some reason, and d) smacking Twilight in the face repeatedly. He’s pretty sure his hair resembles an abandoned bird’s nest now. 

Baby Blue Goblin grabs at his eye. Twilight shifts and captures the arm, holding it away from his face. Baby Blue screams. 

He goes silent as soon as Hyrule puts a bit of honeycomb in his mouth. Twilight’s not sure if that counts as bribery, but he’s also not sure he cares anymore. 

“Why is there no village yet,” Wind complains, balancing between one foot and the other in rapid succession. “Why is this place so fucking big,” 

“Language,” Hyrule reminds him. Twilight bends down so he can cover Baby Blue's ears briefly to finish the point. 

Wind waggles a finger up at the baby. “If his first word isn’t ‘fuck’ I’ve failed as his brother.” 

“‘f his first word is ‘fuck’ he ain’ ever hearin’ from ya ‘gain,” Twilight warns. “You’ll hafta get used ta bein’ the estranged brother.” 

“That’s basically a synonym for cool,” Wind shoots back. 

“It’s really,” Four says, tired. “It’s really not, though.” 

“Also, why do you get to be the parent,” Wind demands. “We’re all raising him!” 

Twilight closes his eyes slowly; his life flashes behind them. “I am not his parent.” 

“Well Time’s our parent so you have to be.” 

“That don’ make no sense.” 

Time asks, longsuffering, “Why am I the parent in this situation?”

Warriors pats him consolingly on the shoulder before glancing back at them and stage-whispering, “He should be your last choice.” 

Time shoves him away. “I heard that.” 

“He used to eat worms—” Warriors continues, “— he has no sense of self-preservation. He let a raccoon eat my letters to Zelda and then set that raccoon on me—” 

Time shoves him harder, sending the captain stumbling off the path. Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist cheers and wiggles nearly off of Twilight’s shoulders. 

Hyrule asks, frowning, “What’s wrong with worms?” 

“Nothing—” Time starts to say, but Warriors bounces back and tackles him about the legs. 

“Which one are’ya votin’ for?” Twilight asks Baby Blue.

“Ashasha,” Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist says and bites his head again. 

After their hours and hours of toil and baby-chasing from the stable, the village finally appears over the crest of the hill just as the sun starts to set. 

Time sighs very deeply as they approach the gate. “I forgot something by the river.” 

Twilight has to watch his footing lest he loses it as he starts to giggle. The others groan and titter with multiple variations of “you did not, shut the hell up” that overlaps Sky’s genuine “oh no!” which only makes Twilight laugh harder. 

“You killed Twilight,” Four deadpans as Twilight struggles to breathe. “He’s hysterical.”

Warriors shakes his head mournfully. “Must be the postpartum.” 

“I’m gonna fuckin’ kill ya,” Twilight cackles. 

“...can I help y’all?” the guard at the gate asks them hesitantly. It only makes Twilight even more of a lost cause. 

“We’re looking for someone by the name of Purah,” Time replies. “Excuse my companion, he just found a baby.” 

The guard squints at him, correcting: “Had a baby?” 

“No,” Time says peacefully. “Anyway, do you know where we can find Purah?” 

The guard, either looking hopelessly perplexed or entirely afraid, directs them to “the odd-looking house at the top of the hill with blue fire out front”. Thankfully, for the town’s safety from Wind, there is an inn. They decide to stay overnight and try to find Purah in the morning. 

“I asked the innkeep,” Legend says in the hallway as they prepare to disperse, “and apparently Purah is a scientist and it’s widely known she’s insane.” 

“Didn’t the hero die a hundred years ago?” Sky points out. “If she knew him and is still alive, I’m not surprised.” 

“She’s a child,” Legend says. 

“...sorry?”

Time blinks. “No, that makes sense. Anything else?” 

Legend shrugs. “Link has a house here. Apparently he and Princess Zelda share it, but he’s not often home. Sometimes he accompanies her on journeys and sometimes he doesn’t. They’re trying to rebuild Hyrule. That’s all I got.” 

“A’least we know he’s got a home base,” Twilight says. “We could jus’ stay here ‘til he gets back.” 

“Zelda’s here, though,” Legend says. “Innkeep said she’s working on something with Purah.” 

“So we still talk to Purah in the morning,” Time agrees. “It’s a good plan. I’m sure our group won’t mind hunkering down for a bit. Also, where’s Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist?” 

“He’s trying to climb down the stairs,” Warriors says, gesturing. 

Baby Blue Goblin has indeed escaped most supervision and is trying to climb down the stairs— by climbing on the wall adjacent. He looks back at them and does his proud squirrel smile. 

One of the maids rounds the corner to the stairs, beholds the baby terror clinging to the wall, and screams.

“Why are’ya like this,” Twilight mutters. 

Thankfully, Purah’s isn’t hard to find— they just follow the path up the hill as instructed until they encounter the strange monolith that is her house. The blue fire burning out front is probably the least weird thing about it. 

“Who’s knocking?” Hyrule asks. 

“Nose goes!” Wind shouts. 

“What?” Sky says. 

Sky knocks.

The woman— girl?— who opens the door only comes up to Sky’s knees. She has white hair swooped up into a large bun with a red streak through it and large glasses barely balancing on her nose. Her eyes have a bit of a mania glint to them, so Twilight assumes it’s Purah.

“Hi,” Sky says. “Um—” 

“Oh, snap!” Purah cuts him off, her gaze locking onto Twilight. “Link!” 

“...yes?” Twilight says, slightly dumbfounded. Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist sneezes from his placement on Twilight’s hip. 

“Zelda!” Purah shouts into the building. “Link’s back!” 

There’s a series of crashes that slowly make their way down to the first floor. Twilight stares at the others who look equally baffled. 

“We…are,” Sky says slowly, accepting his fate. “How did you—?”

Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist is gone. Twilight spots him toddling away around the house, towards the blue fire that’s unfortunately entranced him. Twilight swears and runs after him at the same time he catches another woman appearing in the doorway in his peripherals. 

Twilight snatches Baby Blue away before he can burn his hand. Baby Blue resents this and flops over backward crying, utterly heartbroken. Twilight shakes his head, putting himself between the baby and the fire in case Goblin decides to make another run for it, hands on his hips. 

“You’re such a baby,” he tells the baby. 

“Link!” another voice calls. 

The second woman walks over to them, her green eyes bright as she watches Baby Blue peel himself grumpily off the grass. 

“Bah,” he says. 

The woman turns to Twilight. “Oh, where did you find him? I’m so thankful, truly— I have no idea how he got away in the first place!” 

Twilight then processes that Purah and this woman have quite possibly been calling the baby— Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist— Link. 

“Sorry,” he says. “Tha’s Baby Blue Goblin Escape Artist?” 

The woman’s expression freezes. “What?” 

“I told you it was a horrible name!” Legend shouts.