Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Where..am I..?" Idia looks around. The whole place was empty and dark. He looks down. He had no clothes on, which confused him. He looks around once again, more scared this time. All of a sudden, he starts feeling hands on his hips and on his thighs, tracing the marks he put there. Hands started touching his chest and caressed his stomach. "W-what?! N-no..stop.." He mutters quietly as he whimpers under all the pressure on his body. He's never felt this way before. So...disgusting. It almost felt as if the hands touching him were mocking him-reminding him he'll never leave. He almost felt like he needed to cry. He sniffled a little bit as he looked down once again, this time, seeing hand prints where they had touched him. They almost looked as if they were tattoos, or scars-they were never going to leave his skin-as if he were going to feel their touch for the rest of his life. He would always see and feel them, no matter how hard he tried to get away.

He mumbled to himself. Something like, "s-stop..please..let me go.." But, unsurprisingly, the hands stayed there, still rubbing against idia's soft, pale skin. Idia felt trapped. He felt like he was in a cage being held captive, would never be able to escape. The touch made him want to puke. It made him feel sick. He wanted it to be over. He didn't like it at all. But..there was a part of him that was telling himself this is what he deserves. It's his fault for even trying to get away. He'll never leave. Ever. 

***

Idia opens his eyes and sits up rapidly. He stares at his blanket that was touching his skin. He pushed it off him and rolled into a ball. He sniffed a little bit, not quite crying. He was afraid. He didn't know how to feel, he didn't understand this feeling. He felt as if he was missing something. It was so close, yet he couldn't reach out and get it. He felt as if he was longing for something he couldn't get. He sighs and gets out of his bed to stare at himself in the mirror. He was wearing his black binder with one of Leona's pairs of boxers. He groaned as he looked down at the sink. He reached out in his drawer to retrieve a pencil sharpener. He gently screwed the blade off with a pair of pair scissors he found laying on his sink, then put the pencil sharpener down as he held the blade. His hand shook, not because of fear, but because he knew that if he did this then he would break a promise. He wasn't afraid, just a little upset. However, he felt that if he didn't do this than he'd most likely just kill himself.

The blade was already sharpened, so Idia didn't even bother sharpening it. He turns on the sink and locks the bathroom door, then sits down on the floor. He sits up a little then takes the blade and pushes it towards his already slit up thigh. He bit his bottom lip, not wanting to yell or groan. Although it hurt, he felt as if he was being freed. He was finally able to escape.

Once he cut up his thighs he put his head back against the wall and sighed. He knew he shouldn't have done it, but he felt like he needed to. He wanted to be freed he wanted to escape he wanted to feel fulfilled. He starts actually crying, sobbing, even. He dropped the blade and began to rub his watering eyes. This pain was never going to go away, was it? Stuck with him, always reminding him he'll never be able to leave. He'll always be trapped by the hands that never let go and only leave scars on you. He'll never feel self fulfilled. He'll always feel empty and dirty. He's always been a freak-touching himself to cope, having strange fantasies, cutting himself to feel better about himself, starving himself since he feels he'll never be good enough. He's always constantly told he'll never be good enough. He knows he doesn't have a future. He's aware he's a disgusting person. But..he just wants to feel full for once. He wants to get that feeling he once did as a kid. He wants to be happy again.

Which will most likely never happen.

Chapter Text

Leona groans. He overate once again. Not surprising. He stares at his ceiling, then looks at Idia, who was playing some weird exploration game on his phone. Leona sits up and gets up to go to the bathroom.

"Whatcha getting up for, kitty?" Idia says, still looking at his phone and only looks up when he doesn't get a response immediately.

Leona takes a second to respond, then just says, "I've gotta use the bathroom, what does it look like to you, smartass?" Idia frowns while glaring at Leona, then looks back at his phone.

Then, Leona walks into the bathroom. He didn't want to turn on the sink, since he was well aware Idia would know something was going on. So instead, he just tells himself he's gonna throw up quietly. He opens up the toilet seat and just stares at it. He sits down in front of it and looks around then stares into the toilet. "Well, fuck." He whispers. He then takes two of his fingers and shoves them down his throat, causing him to gag a couple of times before he actually just throws up. He coughs a little then throws up a little more. He felt empty, but that was usually a good thing. He wipes his mouth as he stands up to close the toilet seat and flush it. He turns on the sink to wash his hands, but instead he just stares at the mirror. He realized he looked more tired than he normally does. He takes off his shirt and examines the way he looks. No longer as bloated, that's for sure. But he also noticed he wasn't gaining as much weight as he thought he was. After examining his body, he notices that he's lost some weight, which technically was the goal but he looked...skinnier than he should look.

He stepped over to his scale to weigh himself. "62 kgs". Yeah, no. He's 100% lost weight. And not only just a little bit, but last time he remembered checking the scale before he started forcing himself to throw up he was around 81 kgs. He didn't know how to describe how he felt as he just stared at the 62 on the scale. He blinked. His stomach felt..empty. Like it needed something. Leona groans. Why can't he just be...perfect? He never felt like himself anymore. Sure, he had his happy moments. But it was getting to a point where he mostly felt upset or well, anything except happiness. He felt constantly tired, he felt like he was never going to make it. He knew that hew was already pretty much a piece of shit but it started to get worse and worse as he just lived his life. He swallowed his own spit as he felt like he was gonna throw up once again. He stood off the scale and opened the toilet seat to puke. But this time it wasn't to lose weight, it was because he felt like shit. He needed an escape from all his feelings so he decided to just...throw them up. 

he stood up once again to close the toilet seat and flush it. He went back to the already running sink and this time instead of checking himself out he washed his hands. Once he was done, he opened up his cabinet door and looked at his prescribed pills. Antidepressants. Well, this would surely go well. He opened up the lid and just dumped out several of the pills. He took all of them at once and just immediately swallowed. He took about seven of the pills. He slumped over the sink, coughing up whatever was in his throat. He started breathing heavily as he stared into the mirror. He coughed more as his eyes watered a little. 

"Hey uh, Leo? Are you okay in there?" Idia says, gently knocking twice on the door. 

"I'm..I'm ok." He looks down at the still running sink. He coughed twice then just rinsed of his hands and then dried them, then turned off the sink. He studied himself one more time before picking up his shirt off of the floor and puts it back on. He unlocks the bathroom door and leaves, seeing Idia just awkwardly standing near the door.

"I heard you coughing, that's why I asked if you were okay. Plus you took like 10 minutes in there."

Leona nods then just walks past Idia to go to his bed and flop on it. "I'm great, just a soar throat, that's all."

"Not very convincing." He says as he walks towards the bed and sits beside Leona. He studies his face and then gently strokes Leona's ear. 

Leona exhales. As badly as he wanted to tell Idia, he felt like if he did that would make Idia more worried for him than he already is. "I said I'm fine."

Idia shakes his head then crawls in bed with Leona. He shuffled close to Leona, laying his head on the others chest. They sat in silence. Neither of them had something to say to the other. Although, both of them wanted to, they never did. Leona wanted to tell Idia about throwing up, but he didn't dare speak a word. Idia wanted to tell Leona about his starving and his cuts, but he obviously didn't say anything. Eventually, Leona drifted off into sleep. Idia combs through Leona's hair with his slender fingers. "I love you, kitty-cat." Idia gently speaks, voice barely above a whisper so he doesn't wake up the sleeping beauty.

Then, Idia closes his eyes to sleep in Leona's warm embrace.

Although what he was least expecting to happen for this wholesome moment, a nightmare.

Chapter Text

"Hi big brother!"

Idia roller over on his bed to look at Ortho who entered his room and closed the door behind him. "Hi." He says, bluntly. Most likely since he was tired. He stayed up all night because of some game event. "...what time is it?" Idia asks softly.

"It's around 2pm, almost 3," Ortho says then walks over to Idia to stroke his hair. "I came to see if you were awake since you weren't answering my text messages."

"...oh." Idia groans, rubbing his eyes then stretches lazily. "Sorry, my phone's been dead since last night." Ortho grabs a charging cord then grabs Idia's phone off his nightstand to plug in his phone. Ortho looks back at Idia, still laying in bed.

"Leona Kingscholar was wondering if you were okay. He asked me why you weren't answering his texts, either."

Idia groans once again, but this time it was more of a soft groan of disappointment. "...well, shit." He reaches out for his phone laying on the nightstand being charged then grabs for it to turn it on. He looks and sees he has 7 new text messages. 3 from Ortho, 3 from Cater and...1 from Leona. With his phones in his hand he places his arms on his stomach, phone screen facing down. He looks at Ortho and sighs.

"I suppose I'll leave you be, I have a club meet in a little bit. I'll visit back to see if you've eaten-"

"I'm not hungry, thanks tho, Ortho." Ortho sighs in response.

"You're never hungry though, big brother." And in response to that Idia shrugs and looks back at his text messages that he hasn't read. Ortho just stared at him for a moment before nodding and walking to the door to open it. He gently turns the door handle and waves at Idia. "Take care of yourself, please." He walks out then closes the door softly. Idia sniffs. He didn't feel like taking care of himself today. Honestly, he never felt like he wanted to care for himself. What's the point, anyway? Idia believed that taking care of himself wasn't worth his time, especially since it would take up his energy and make him feel sick sometimes. He'd rather grind on his favorite game or just lay in bed all day.

Knock knock.

Idia groaned as he realized at this point he had to get up. So he pushes the blanket off himself and drops his phone. He sits on the end of his bed for a moment. No, he didn't want to get up. But did he? Yes. Why did he? He doesn't even really know. It just...happened. He stretched a bit as he got up, feeling a bit relieved after getting up from sleeping for about 17 hours straight. His legs felt shaky since he wasn't fully awake, but he felt good. He wasn't that tired. Which was surprising because most of the time he felt as if he would die if he didn't sleep or he felt so tired he could barely stand, but not now. He walked over to the door, turning the door handle just to open it to Leona's fucking face. Leona's really handsome face.

"Idia." 

"Leona..?" Idia blinks at him tiredly as Leona just casually pushes Idia slightly to walk into his room and look around. "Dude, what the hell you didn't even just like...ask?" Silence. "Wtf is your problem..?"

"You ate today right?" Idia stares at Leona with furrowed eyebrows. He shakes his head slowly as he thinks. Did Leona come all this way just to feed Idia...? What kind of weird yaoi sim was this, anyway? "Y'know...let's go on a date." This time, Idia stares at Leona with raised eyebrows. He was a little shocked by the sudden suggestion, and then just looked around his room then back at Leona.

"Why...?"

"You like ramen right? Let's go get ramen." Leona slowly blinks at Idia. "What, why're you lookin' at me like that, bitch?"

Idia scoffs at the nickname then looks away. His hair turns a little pink on the tips. "I-I don't know that's kind of weird to just bring up out of nowhere...plus I look like shit I've been sleeping for about a day straight so-"

"I think you look good." Leona admits as he scratches the back of his head.

"...well you think I always look good."

"Cause you do..." Leona shrugs then shakes his head. "Here, why don't I just order us some ramen and we can eat in here. How about that ya dork?" Idia hesitates but...ramen does sound really good so...why not? 

"Sure but uhm I'm not that hungry so I'm probably not gonna eat it a-"

"It's almost 3pm and you haven't eaten anything. Yes, you're hungry." Leona looks at his phone. "Ordering it now." 

Idia had to admit, he was hungry. He hadn't eaten properly in weeks. But he would never tell.

****

Once they had their ramen made, they both just sat on Idia's bed next to each other. "Radish?"

Idia turns his head to Leona. "Leo?"

"I'm worried about you." He says as he eats another bite of his ramen.

"...why...?" Idia didn't really need to ask that question. He often didn't take care of himself and either got no sleep or slept all day. Leona knew about Idia's scars, he knew about the constant suicidal thoughts he had, he was aware he starved himself and almost always talked down on himself. He knew Idia felt worthless and insecure. He knew almost everything about Idia yet still stayed with him with was always baffling to Idia. Regardless of his flaws, Leona was always there for him. Like now for example, no one else but him and Ortho would be worried about him. Maybe cater, yet Cater was mainly only friends with Idia since they both got high together. 

"...I just don't wanna come to your dorm one day and found out you did some stupid shit to yourself." He said, voice drained.

He takes a small bite of his ramen and swallows hard. He felt a little sick. "I-...I can't really promise you anything but," He paused, taking a deep breath. "I can promise you I'm not doing anything soon. Honestly, I can't imagine leaving you. I-..uh...that sounded weird but it's true. With you in my life I don't think I could...go that far ig." 

Leona just smiles. Which is rare. Idia has never really seen Leona smile. His smile was cute, it was an image in his head that felt as if it was some sort of rare cutscene. Idia really hoped Leona was happy. He deserved well, everything. Which is weird to say since Leona thought otherwise. Leona thought that he was worthless and even though no one knows it he believes everyone but him deserves better. Sometimes he sees himself being selfish so he hurts himself but, Idia believed that Leona deserved everything he's never had or everything he wants.

Chapter Text

Leona was 14. He had friends, yeah, but they were all pretty shitty people. All mentally ill in some way which just made himself worse and more drained. There was Horne, he was a weed smoker and sold drugs at 15. He was a creep and often disrespected woman and just viewed them as objects. Scarlette, she was almost always on drugs and had divorced parents that both didn't seem to care what happened to her. And lastly, Luka. He wasn't that close to Leona but he was close to Horne so he saw him quite often. He wasn't really that bad, but was obviously an addict, which isn't that surprising. And probably bipolar.

Leona also wasn't that good in middle school. He ran away a lot, was in trouble in school often...and also smoked weed. It didn't really help that his parents were pretty shitty, too. His dad was emotionally abusive and was constantly putting Leona down to make Falena look better. He talked bad about Leona to other people in the palace, which is why Leona was almost never home. He would prefer to be at school then home. Falena was nice but...it almost felt fake. He often felt like his older brother was just bragging often and never really actually cared, he just wanted to look like a saint. Which probably wasn't true, but still.

"Yo Leona, check out that senior. Her boobs are huuuge." Horne pointed at her. 

"...you're hella weird." Leona leans back on the wall. Horne scoffs and rolls his eyes in return.

Horne looked around and sighed impatiently. "Where's Scarlette? She has my weed that I paid for." He pointed at himself and grunted.

"I dunno, probably in class. She has like, a ton of friends in second period."

"Second period my ass, she likes us better, anyway." Horne sighs again tapping his shoe on the cement. "This school sucks I hate it here. We go to school with a bunch of ghetto losers."

Leona just stares and Horne then looks down at his shoes. It did really suck, mostly because of Horne. He was a total weirdo and always had something to say. The only good thing about him was his 70% discount for weed since they're friends. And the fact that he could drive and took Leona places.

Soon, the two heard footsteps. "Leona and Horne? Good to see y'all!" Luka waves. Horne rolls his eyes.

"Hey. Me and Leona are waiting for fuckass Scarlette to get back with my weed. Where even is she anyways? Don't you guys have second period together?" His voice has an obvious tired and angry tone in it.

"Sheesh, chill whiteboy. She's at court."

Leona and Horne both open their mouths in shock. "Court?!" 

"Yeah, her dad is trying to take custody of her. She didn't tell you guys?"

Both of them shake their heads. "Why didn't she tell us?"

Leona looks at Horne and nods in agreement. "Yeah that's kinda something she should tell us?"

"Maybe she doesn't like you guys. Mostly everyone in first and second period know about it so I assumed you guys did."

"...well it isn't like we care about her anyway I just want my weed back. She can kill me if she wants, as long as I'm high."

The rest of the conversation between Horne and Luka went quiet. Leona was more focused on the patterns on the cement. He got a little confused when Luka said "we" but he'll never voice it out loud. Horne was too capable of things for Leona to "talk down" to him or whatever. It was a little stupid. He cared a lot about Scarlette, she was going through a lot. She was more then just the weed she took from Horne. It kind of pissed Leona off. Not even kind of it really pissed him off. He slowly looked up at Horne. He thought, was Horne really a bad person..? Well, Leona and a ton of other kids thought so. He fought people back and fourth because of one thing they said wrong or just because he's mad. Most of the time, there isn't really even a justified reason to why he did something like that he just...did it to do it. Horne did a lot of things just to do it. He's messed up. Leona really hated him but if he stopped being friends with him he'd probably have nothing, so what's the point? Either way it's a lose.

*****

"Hey! Sorry it's been a week since we all just...got together! So I'll pay don't worry my mom gave me money to spend because she felt bad for everything. So how are you guys?" All four of them were sitting in some random coffee shop Scarlette found interest in. 

"Where's my weed." Horne crosses his arms and sits back in the chair.

"Oh yeah so it's at my house but I can totally bring it tomorrow if you want! Sorry things have been stressful I totally forgot I even had it." She rubs the back of her head. Somehow, she was able to keep a smile on her face.

Horne rolls his eyes. "When can we order I'm fucking starving. Leona what are you getting?"

Leona shrugged. "Probably nothing. I'm not hungry."

"Not even a drink?" Scarlette tilts her head. Leona just shakes his head in return.

"Actually, I need the bathroom, I'll be quick." Leona stands up to walk to the bathroom. 

"...did you guys see that?" Horne whispers.

"See what?" Luka says after looking up from his menu he was holding.

"Leona. He's acting weird. Like, really weird." Scarlette hits Horne's hand.

"Well so are you. You haven't drawn a penis on anything in like two weeks." 

"That's different I mean like Leona is acting like some emotional little teen girl."

Luka looks down at his menu, shaking his head. "I think you need to shut up, he's fine."

Leona stares in the mirror. He coughs. The weed was getting to him. And, he looked chubbier. He's never really cared about his weight. Like, ever. But now it feels like it really matters for some weird reason. Maybe it was all the comments Horne mentions about his body. "You look fat" this and "Save some for the rest of us!" that. Leona knew he was just kidding around but it still hurt. Again, he would probably never say that to his face. Ever. But he always thought about what would happen if it did. Maybe if he told Scarlette or Luka about it? He didn't want pity, he honestly wanted more attention from them. He didn't really care if they made a big deal or not he just wanted them to notice. He probably sounds pretty stupid. This whole thing is bullshit. 

****

"Boo! Hi Leo!" idia playfully pushes Leona slightly. "Did I scare you?" He snickers.

Leona raises an eyebrow and then shakes his head slowly. "No, no you didn't." He chuckles. "Why're you so obsessed with Halloween, anyway?"

Idia gasps dramatically. "Halloween is THE best holiday EVER. First of all, free candy that'll last you for like at LEAST 3 months. Second, I get an excuse to cosplay without it being cringy or weird. THIRD it's scary and I LOVE scary things." 

"Fair." They walk down to the botanical garden, which is normally where the two hangout in their freetime. Which is either playing chess, napping or Idia just talking to himself essentially while Leona naps. Leona opens the door and lets Idia in first, then follows him in. They sit down together in their usual spot.

"Hey, hey, what if we matched costumes this year? You could be like my Cyno and I'll be Tighnari."

"...who..?" Idia gasps once again.

"You really need to play the games I play because if you don't know who Cyno and Tighnari are you need to download Genshin right now."

"I'd rather not." Idia shakes Leona.

"But you have too!! There are some REALLY cool character designs in that game and the game is so cool you have to trust!"

Leona sighs. "Maybe. I'll think about it." This was probably a yes because Leona almost never said no to Idia.

His eyes lit up as he stopped shaking Leona and smiled. "Well, like...is that a yes to match...? If not I totally have other characters you'd like!"

"The two people at first you were talking about are fine. I'll go as whoever that is for you."

"OMG really?! You're like the best boyfriend ever!" He hugs Leona.

"Yeah you say that as you've only ever dated me so what's your point?"

"My point is I feel bad for the people who don't get to have you cause like you just said yes to matching cosplays which is like really romantic."

That wasn't that romantic to Leona but...whatever for his boyfriend. "Yeah...romantic. Sure."