Chapter Text
Till opens the door and there he is ,sat upright on his bed , his profile is just like he remembers. Sharp and soft at the same time , angular and beautiful he realizes with a hitch of breath . His hair is longer. Till already has run his finger through it once , knows it is soft too . It frames Ivan's face , bangs resting close to his chin and nape curling inward to the hollow of his neck. Curly .
Ivan doesn't turn to him , doesn't acknowledge his existence. Doesn't greet him or try to get his attention, not like he would need to. He has it now . All of it . But he doesn't want it . And Till's heart squeezes like it could pop at the realization.
Ivan blinks. Eyelashes fanning softly over his cheeks. His hands. Balled . Tremble on the blanket that rests atop his lap . His hands are smaller than Till's. Paler. Brittler.
Till lets go of the door handle softly . He knows they both need more time. To come to terms with everything. With themselves. But he can't give that time. Can't grant that when he's complied for so long.
He strides inside slowly but the eagerness to his step doesn't falter , at least not until he's just two feet away from Ivan. He tries to come closer , slowly and flinches back at the same time Ivan does too.
Ivan shuts his eyes. He twists his neck further away if possible and Till's own hands start to shake . Frustration , guilt , yearning , ache , eagerness. All mixing together and making his limbs as unstable as his mind and emotions are .
He thinks back to the eternity spent with the fake Ivans . Haunting him , hurting him . Creations of his own cruel imagination . Unspeakable , unfathomable creatures , cruel and misleading . Till nearly sighs in relief to have the actual Ivan infront of him. Beyond everything else , most greatful that his own mind can't twist this version. Because Ivan always had his own mind and thoughts , thoughts Till never understood until too late. But he has found it is not too late . Because Ivan is here . Awake. Trembling . Scared . Avoidant. But here . With Till .
A part of his family is still his and with him.
With Till .
And God does he long . And he will be damned if some emotional turmoil will stop him .
Till reaches out , ripping Ivan's hand away from the covers and throwing his helmet away . He holds his too thin wrists and wraps himself around Ivan protectively. He squeezes. Feeling the bone. Flesh and heartbeat of Ivan's under the layers of his clothing . It's a reassuring rhythm that makes him close his eyes and inhale . Breathing freely for the first time in a while . He lets go of Ivan's wrist in favor of hugging him better . He realizes too late Ivan is not hugging him back and blinking back the few stray tears on his eyes pulls back to cusp his face .
Ivan's eyes stare back at his. Oh those eyes , how captivating they are even to this day , the only thing he'd never be able to forget .
Ivan's own are filled with tears and his brows furrow as he looks at Till .
Till cradles him like a babe , thumb circling on his cheek in comforting motions as Ivan's own eyes fill with salty water . Till smiles. Unable to help his happiness from showing . Ivan's tears continue to fall freely then . His lip trembles. Once . Twice . Three times before he blinks and the first of waterfalls start.
Till hugs him tighter then and weak hands get trapped between their bodies . The weak hands clench hard around the front of his clothes . They tremble and Ivan's voice comes out in broken sobs , but silent sniffles . The hands shuffle. They hit hard against Till's chest and he pulls away confused .
Ivan is turning away from him , hands pushing hi away , body twisting on the opposite direction as he continues to sob and heave , air coming in through a straw .
Till panicks. Because this isn't how it is supposed to go . No. No... no no no no-
Ivan is supposed to smile back , toothy and that little canine of his sticking out , almost mockingly like back then , only now Till would know the actual meaning . Till is supposed to know Ivan now . To understand him . But he can't because this isn't something he ever thought Ivan would do .
Reject him.
He never thought Ivan would reject him.
It hits like a slap , hurts more than the bullet he took to his neck , the one that permanently ruined his throat and voice box .
Because Ivan is pulling back and away and choking on his own breaths and Till can't tell him to look at him. Can't tell him it's going to be okay . Can't tell him he isn't mad and is so happy Ivan is alive . He can't tell him !
Till gets desperate. He catches the throwing hands of a spiraling Ivan and pulls him back toward himself. Ivan hangs himself . Eyes not meeting his as the tears runs down his cheeks and nose and wet the covers below. His hiccups are painfully lacking on air and Till tries , tries , to do something about it .
He comes to the realization that despite thinking that he knew Ivan . He doesn't. He spent years dissecting him in his own brain and he thought he had it figured. And the contrary is evident now . He doesn't know jack shit .
He pulls Ivan toward himself just once more , hard. Holding him against his chest and climbing on the bed with him . Ivan goes tensily. Manhandled as Till hugs him and tries to breathe loudly enough to get his attention so he will copy . Ivan tries . He tries as Till rubs his back in circles , tries as Till rocks him. Cries all the while . He stops choking on nothing but doesn't stop crying , the sobs have dies down to sniffles .
Till shuffles , pulling his notebook from his back pocket . He flips it open to the countless pages he prepared in advance and puts distance that seems too clod between himself and Ivan and shows him the page .
Ivan reads it and in a second the sobs are back .
I'm sorry. I missed you.
Till panics all over again as Ivan once again tries to push him away but Till doesn't budge . Ivan tries to escape then . Sitting up and trying to move away from on top of Till.
Till doesn't let him. Holding onto his wrists .
It frustrates him. Not being able to yell or scream or beg for him to stay . He mourned his fate and his voice long ago but for a split second he wishes he could have it , just for this , just for a second , for Ivan.
Ivan's eyes meet his , his red pupils blown and beautifully devastating. It splits Till's heart in two as he flips through the pages on the notebook .
Why?
Were his feelings wrong though , or misplaced ? Till knows they aren't. Ivan might thinks so but they aren't. Till knows that . Why is it so wrong for Till wanting to say those things for so long and when he does Ivan doesn't accept it ? Why ?
Ivan shakes his own head and Till decides this is a conversation they will need to have another time . He wraps his arms around Ivan once more , burying his face on his neck , face covered by the soft black locks and sighs , breathing evenly. He holds Ivan close enough to hear his frantic heartbeat clam down with time , eventually to bearly there .
He panicks then , checking to see if Ivan will dissappear, but once confirmed he won't, he settles again . Leaning both of them , his and Ivan's sleeping form beside the headboard .
Tomorrow. He promises himself and Ivan .
And If not the days after that are still ahead of them .Till make things right .