Archive of Our Own ^beta

bill cipher was a monster. that’s how most described him. a monster who toyed with littler creatures for fun, always chasing a party, and someone who always got what he wanted. because he was bill cipher.

when he came across a sad little fount and wanted him, he got him. wrapped him around his finger (even if bill was wrapped around the fount in return).

when that little fount began to corrupt, bill broke the trust and egged him on, by revealing how he had lied, encouraging fount to fall into deceit themself, and they still sought him out from within their spire!

bill cipher had everything he wanted!

well, except one thing.

at one point, kryptos had drawn attention to the fact that the jester in his possession wasn’t truly his. bill had nearly zapped him on the spot, but instead asked him, how, pray tell, the jester who had corrupted so much faster with his influence, wasn’t HIS. kryptos responded with the logic that is as follows:

1) bill was experiencing attraction to the jester.

2) neither of them bore a ring.

bill, again, had almost zapped him on the spot and even considered kicking him out of the henchmaniacs, but he did make a point. bill wanted the jester. what better way to say that than by getting hitched? it could be a cute little ceremony in the dreamscape, drag along the henchmaniacs and maybe shadow milk’s friends…

oh, yes. that jester was going to be his.

they didn’t have to say all that mushy gunk, the i love you’s and such, because love had been a feeling foreign to bill since birth. love was fear. love was a feeling that lesser beings made up to pretend not to be tricked by their hormones and instinct to reproduce.

bill felt a tug on his corner and his eye curled up in a smile.

the jester was calling again.

bill moved out of the space with the henchmaniacs and fell forward, surprise shooting through him as something grabbed on to his arms when the environment around him changed. he was in a greyscale version of the topmost room in the spire, and a wide grin attached to the jester’s face greeted him.

bill quickly recovered, giggling and looping his arms around his sleeves. “as eager as ever! have you chosen a name yet? not just that silly title you’ve abandoned?”

“no, no.” their eyes were still wide. “that’s what i called you for.” their expression twisted into one of glee. “i sent black sapphire out. he’s setting the stage.”

bill blinked slowly. he remembered the little pipsqueak– fashionable, and always yearning for attention. seemed the jester was finally putting him to good use. “good. he must be setting the seeds to grow and disband the kala namak knights.”

the jester faltered for a moment before eagerly nodding.

“sooo, about your name, nameless cookie…” bill unlooped his arm and brushed his hand over where the fount’s crown once lay. “you said milk was the primary ingredient in your dough. that the witches cursed you to be more fragile than the average cookie.” his eye curled upwards when the jester nodded. “by taking friend in deceit, you have also taken to the shadows. rumors curl through cookies the way shadows curl around alleyways, don’t they?”

the unnamed cookie nodded again.

“how does shadow milk cookie sound?”

“YES! OH, HAHA!” shadow milk lurched forward, grabbing bill’s arm once again. “i’m shadow milk cookie.” he floated up as he leaned forward, spinning both of their forms. shadow milk loomed over bill, a sharp-toothed grin spreading across his features.

bill grabbed at their waist and pulled them closer. “there’s one final step.”

he blinked.

“hm…” bill poked at shadow milk’s mind. “what is it you cookies do to be bound to each other again?”

“rings.” shadow milk said slowly. “they get each other rings and… have a ceremony.”

“now that we’re two cute little peas in a pod~” bill whisked two rings into existence. “we’ve got all the time in the world, right? i’ll assemble the dreamscape.”

there was silence for a moment before shadow milk cackled and nodded. “see you tonight then~!”

bill giggled and returned to his realm.

getting the henchmaniacs to attend was easy. they agreed at the promise of a grand party to remember. shadow milk had managed to get his friends, save for the salt of solidarity (whom he didn’t attempt to ask, due to currently being in hiding from them), though against their will. the decorations and food were also the easy part, given everything appeared as soon as you thought of it in the dreamscape.

bill had snagged a fancy cape with stars littering the inside, and had sparkled glitter on to his bowtie. pyronica and the newly-named eternal sugar had helped shadow milk get ready, both insisting that seeing the groom before the ceremony was bad luck. music that reflected the dramatic tunes that followed shadow milk everywhere played.

bill could barely contain his giggles as he floated in front of the podium, flexing his claws. most of the henchmaniacs sat on one side of the dream venue, his side, dabbing their eyes with handkerchiefs like he told them to.

he had done a little quick research beforehand, about weddings and how they worked, elected pyronica as his best man (or element?), yadda yadda yadda.

he blinked when the doors opened and pyronica strode through, taking her comfortable place beside the altar on bill’s side. pyronica probably knew him best out of all the henchmaniacs he had collected– he threw in hectorgon and kryptos as his groomsmen just for kicks. bill watched as they both floated down the aisle in a single file line and settled beside pyronica.

eternal sugar came down next, throwing a wink at pyronica. mystic flour followed behind her, expression unmoving as she took her place beside her companion.

bill wasn’t sure there was much logic behind shadow milk’s decision to appoint burning spice as his maid of honor (or ‘spice of honor’, as he watched shadow milk call it when he asked the brute). bill wasn’t sure burning spice cared much for the dainty little things like fashion or this dream venue at all. he assumed it was solely because the two were close prior to corruption.

bill watched as the great destroyer padded down the aisle, holding a bouquet, a yellow smile taking up his face as he mirrored pyronica’s stance beside the altar.

candy apple cookie marched down the aisle with her arms above her head, holding the pillow with the rings bill had whisked up. black sapphire, clearly thoroughly amused, padded behind her, scattering flowers as he went. the littler one of the two marched up to pyronica and stood on her tippy toes to hand off the rings to her. pyronica accepted them and patted her head, a giggle nearly escaping her as candy apple and black sapphire scurried off to sit in the second row of chairs on shadow milk’s side.

there was a pause before the groom emerged. bill pretended he had a collar and pulled at it.

shadow milk was dressed up in a glittery deep blue suit, coattails that mimicked his usual cape following behind him. his hair went unchanged, blue eyes staring directly at bill. the jester brushed his bangs out of his face and took his place in front of bill.

bill cleared his throat into his arm while his free hand whisked up an officiant that he totally didn’t forget about. rows of bills, all dressed up in ties and top hats, filled the empty spaces on his side of the room.

“dearly beloved,” the officiant rumbled. “we are gathered here today to–”

“boooo!!” one of the bills shouted, waving his arms. “get on to the good stuff!!”

the officiant rolled their eyes and turned the page of their book. “these two stunning visions of loveliness were both cast out for their knowledge. bill cipher, of course, saw the other and decided to aid them. they both took comfort in lies, and saw the measly mortals below for what they are: close-minded. they will be tied to each other forevermore once the words come, and will spread deceit together until the end of time. and perhaps more after that.”

bill ‘winked.’

the officiant cleared their throat and looked to bill. “william cipher, do you take shadow milk cookie to be your lawfully–”

bill made a face.

“pardon me. unlawfully wedded spouse?”

the triangle’s expression soothed. “sure do, pal!”

the officiant turned to shadow milk. “shadow milk cookie, do you take william cipher to be your unlawfully wedded…” he eyed bill. “spouse?”

“i do!” shadow milk grinned, showing off sharp teeth.

“well, then it is time to share vows.” the officiant slowly nodded. “shadow milk, you may go first.”

shadow milk cleared their throat, fishing a small piece of paper out of their pocket. “bill. my muse and my painter at the same time.” they flashed a grin. “you came to me and offered enlightenment. even though i was stubborn, you didn’t give up on me, and knew the potential i held. you understood where no one else could, for you had experienced it yourself.”

they drew in a breath, giving a small laugh, and continued. “so, for that, i vow to share my life with you, to laugh with you, to explore the dreamscape with you, and to take pride in deceit with you.”

the officiant nodded and turned to bill. “william, please share your vows with shadow milk.”

bill let his tongue pass over his eye as shadow milk tucked his piece of paper away before speaking. “i watched everything about little fount of knowledge change. you finally broke free from that cage the witches stored you in. those close-minded souls down below won’t see your relief, won’t cheer for you shedding the disguise, but i will. i’ll haunt their dreams, you know i will, i’d rip all of earthbread apart if you wanted me to. but i’ll leave it to you to do that.” he laughed, wiping away a fake tear. “so i’ll be with you, shadsy, in sickness or in health, whether time is dead by my hand or not.”

he’d rather not get any sappier or mushier in front of the henchmaniacs.

that’s what he told himself, anyway.

“we come to the rings.” the officiant gestured for pyronica to come forward. “the physical symbol of your ties to one another, and of the vows you have made today. may we please have the ring for bill to give to shadow milk.” pyronica lifted up said ring and gave it to the officiant.

the officiant accepted it, and bill watched it shimmer in their hand. he didn’t realize he had whisked it up a deep blue color and with glitter sprinkled in like stars. “this ring is a circle with no beginning or end with no point of weakness, much like your loyalty to each other now. may this ring be a constant reminder of the promises you have made to each other today.” they reached out to give to bill, who accepted it.

he watched it shimmer in the light for a moment before taking shadow milk’s left hand and slipping it on his ring finger. maybe it would’ve been cuter as a necklace. oh well.

“may we please have the ring for shadow milk to give to bill.”

pyronica lifted the cushion up and let the officiant receive the ring. “like i said previously, allow this symbol of strength be a constant reminder of the promises you have made to each other today.” they held it out to shadow milk.

shadow milk nodded as he took it, taking gentle hold of bill’s left hand.

bill ignored the shivers that ran up his arm at the touch.

shadow milk slipped the ring on to his second-to-last finger, making up for lack of a fifth finger and therefore a ring finger.

“i ask you to join hands.”

bill intertwined his fingers with shadow milk’s. it had been a long while since he had made physical touch without nefarious intent or for a deal. but he supposed this was a deal, in a way.

“the ring exchange is complete. you have made vows. you have given consent in marriage. with the witness of your friends and henchmaniacs, you are now joined together. i’d say until the end of time, but something tells me it will be even longer than that. may you continue to support each other, and understand that where there was once two, there is now one.” the officiant paused before continuing. “by the power vested in me, i pronounce you now married.” they closed their book and dipped their head. “you may now kiss.”

shadow milk crashed forward almost immediately, nearly toppling bill over as they surged his lips to his eye. he settled into it and wrapped his arms around them, his form glowing brightly.

bill took his spouse by the arm once it was down and allowed them to lead him back down the aisle, the recessional following them both.

“i do believe i promised a PARTY!” bill threw his arms out as everyone met in the room he had pulled up a feast in. “mingle! drink wine that’s been aging for a million years! whatever else it is you freaks do!”

eternal sugar’s wings fluttered as she made her way over to pyronica, who was already pouring herself a cup of said wine. “how do you think that went~?”

“as well as it can for those two.” pyronica snorted, setting aside her cup. “want some?”

“no, thank you, dearest.” eternal sugar watched as pyronica picked her cup back up and took a long swing of it. “we shouldn’t steal their thunder, i suppose.”

“mmm, we can next week, when they’re gone on their honeymoon.” pyronica threw her a lopsided grin. her ear twitched as she heard the clinking of a hollow bottle. seemed like 8-ball was already setting up to spin it. “for now, there’s a game i want to play~”

“oh? and what would that b- oh!” eternal sugar bit back a yelp as pyronica grabbed her by the arm and whisked her away.