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How to deal with the knowledge that your bandmates are fucking, a guide by Rune Eriksen and Sven Kristiansen

Summary:

What can I say, it's all in the title.
Takes place after the release of Wolf's Lair Abyss.

Notes:

The German phrase "Dissozialer Marokkaner" has been living in my head rent free and it's the most hilarious thing I've ever thought of. Here's why: In Germany we have the gangster rapper Farid Bang and he released an album called Asozialer Marokkaner (antisocial Moroccan, because he's Moroccan and antisocial in the sense that he pushes against polite society). Huge album, went number one on release in 2021, never listened to it myself and you don't need to either, it's not relevant anyways.
Anyways back to Mayhem: You know who's also probably, allegedly, maybe Moroccan? Yeah, Hellhammer. In the AN of one of my last fics , I explained why I think Jan has a dissocial personality disorder. You get the point, do you? Maybe he's just an asshole, maybe he's really white but honestly who cares? Fandom and a certain amount disrespect always go hand in hand and I'm just some dweeb on the internet with a broken brain.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“Man, I don’t know why Jan puts up with Jørn.”
Sven took a swig from the wine bottle in his hand. He wore a hotel bathrobe that was already falling off his shoulders.

“Putting up with him?”
Rune threw a heart eight on the pile and sipped the last of his beer.

“Come on, Rune. Look at them, look at Jørn for fucks sake! He can’t play bass for shit, you write all the stuff he plays, he’s straight up ugly, he smells awful, he’s always high or drunk, his ego is fragile as fuck and he looks ten years older than he actually is! Why do we keep him around?”
As he continued, Sven’s voice became louder and louder.

“He’s a founding member. Just because you had an argument with him today, doesn’t mean we need to kick him out. It’s your turn, by the way.”

“So what, he’s been here since the beginning? You wouldn’t keep your mom’s old vacuum that’s broken just because it’s older than you?”

Sven put a queen of diamonds down and took another swig.
“And Jan on the other hand is, like, the most talented drummer I’ve ever met. He actually takes care of himself and, you know I’m not gay, but have you looked at him? He’s a good looking guy!”

“Never seen two pretty best friends. Also you’re slurring, dude.”
The guitarist briefly looked up from his cards as he put down a queen of clubs.

“I’m fucking right! And Jan voluntarily shares hotel rooms with him. Who would-”
Sven’s loud ranting was suddenly interrupted by an even louder moan. He slowly looked at Rune, who looked like he didn’t believe what he was hearing either.

“Was that… was that Jan?”

“Oh yes!”
It sounded surprised and almost involuntarily. Rune and Sven scrambled toward the noises and pressed their ears to the wall. They could hear a flurry of things they never even thought of wanting to imagine: panting, stifled moans and the telltale creaking of a bed frame.

Rune still tried to tell himself the drummer just found himself a dominant woman.
“Who is he-”

“Shhh!”
Sven, still holding on to the wine bottle, pressed himself up to the wall even harder. He could hear Jan having the time of his live and being painfully unaware of just how thin the walls in the hotel were.

“Good whore.”
Rune felt like the rug he was standing on had been pulled out from under him when he recognized Jørn’s voice. He wanted none of this to be true. When he looked over to Sven, he thought the bottle was going to explode in his grip. Their eyes met briefly. In a small moment of clarity, the singer handed the half empty bottle to Rune, who immediately took a swig.

When the initial shock had worn off, they returned to the small table. Even from there, they still heard the odd noise from the other room. Neither wanted to speak for fear that Jan and Jørn would hear them. In their drunken minds it made sense, even after Sven had poured his heart out earlier. The logic was that it would be much more awkward if they noticed their band mates talking about what they got up to and stopped because of them.

“how much longer do these guys need? this is getting weird.”
Sven whispered as quietly as he could. Rune looked at him helplessly and shrugged his shoulders.

“it’s kind of ruining my mood.”

“shut up, sven.”
Rune hissed, maybe a bit angrier than necessary.

After half an eternity, it finally seemed like they got done.
“Well… at least we know now why Jan walks funny sometimes.”

“Don’t make me think about it, Rune.”
The singer put his head in his hands.

“Okay, sorry. But, like, what changes now that we know they’re fucking? Nothing really. Let’s just ignore it and make sure that our hotel rooms are as far from theirs as possible.”

“But… it’s weird. How am I supposed to stop thinking about them like this? This is worse than the time I walked in on my parents.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Sven! They’re like any other couple out there. Do you think about your neighbors or the people on the tram like that too?”

“I never had to listen to my neighbor getting his back blown out. And him getting called a good whore.”
Sven shivered. Rune jumped off his chair and grabbed him by his shoulders.

“Listen: We’re in this together! You need the money from this band and I need someone to keep me sane! Don’t you dare leave me here! Besides: who says they really fucked? I wouldn’t put it past them to mess with us like this, especially after the argument you had with Jørn today and how you yelled earlier. It seems like bait.”

On the other side of the wall, Jørn had his ear pressed to the wall.
“This is so great, you should listen to them, Jan. Rune is losing his mind!”

“I’m believing you.”
Jan was lying on his back, eyes closed, a cigarette between his fingers.

“Everything okay? You look like you’re about to throw up.”

“I’m fine, don’t worry.”

Jørn laid next to Jan and pressed a few kisses to his cheek.
“You did so well, baby, they’re never gonna forget that. From now on they won’t question why you “put up with me”.”

“My god you’re insecure. Why do you even give a crap about their opinion?”

“I don’t but nobody likes it when people talk behind their back.”

“The only opinion of yourself that matters is your own. But in case you need to hear it: I think you’re great in bed, a good friend-”

“Thank you.”

“And you don’t even smell half bad most of the time.”

“That just had to get out, didn’t it?”
Jan silently smiled as Jørn pushed his shoulder.

Notes:

Am I funny? Do my thoughts make sense? Tell me!

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