Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There was a warning in the next city about a Demon level threat. Citizens were being urged to evacuate the streets and take shelter indoors. But Saitama had never noticed it. He had been out shopping, which was about the only reason he ever left his apartment anymore, aside from responding to monster attacks. Earlier he had seen a commercial about a great sale going on in the next city, and had excitedly rushed out to make it on time. It was a lot further than he usually cared to go, but the promise of bargain steaks was too good to pass up.

Saitama had run all the way to the sale, barely even noticing the beautiful open country in between home and his destination - sprawling, fertile farmland dotted with grazing cattle and fluffy white clouds drifting through endless blue sky. All he could think about was how much money he had, how much he could buy, and how good dinner was going to be.

On his way back from the sale, Saitama finally slowed down and took his time, walking through the same farm fields. He had ten steaks, and was wondering how he'd freeze and store them all, when he noticed that the sky had suddenly darkened.

"Huh? It's going to rain," Saitama said, looking up. But the black clouds above him were not clouds at all. Instead of thunder, he heard the droning whine of millions of mosquitoes descending on him, his steaks, and the cows standing in the field.

//

Two minutes later, Saitama had killed the monster responsible for summoning her plague of mosquitoes, but it was too late. The devastation was already done.

"My steaks," Saitama groaned, finding his bag where he'd dropped it, still covered in lingering mosquitoes. Most of the unnatural swarm had dissipated as soon as he swatted their queen, but many still drifted around, trying to get his blood.

For a second he considered brushing the mosquitoes off his food and eating it anyway... After all, they'd be cooked later so he wasn't concerned about a few germs... But then he saw what was left of his steaks, all withered and dried up and inedible. Disappointed, Saitama left them where they'd dropped and continued walking home, itching as he went and occasionally trying to swat away one of the annoying pests.

Now he'd wasted his grocery money for the week... but there was probably something still at home to eat. It'd be a hard stretch, but he's been through worse. It was just the idea of all that wasted money and good food that really bothered him. As he mourned the loss of his steaks, Saitama started to actually notice that he had been crossing farm land, and that he was surrounded by the remains of cows. They looked like his steaks had - withered up and dead, almost like mummified skeletons, with mosquitoes still flitting over them. Everywhere he looked, there were more dead cows covered in thirsty mosquitoes.

"Gross," Saitama commented. He was beginning to lose his appetite anyway. Then he heard sound of a cow lowing somewhere. There was one still alive, maybe the only one. Saitama almost didn't spot it at first, until it tried to stand up and shake off a small cloud of bloodsucking pests, only to fall back down and start mooing again in distress.

Saitama went to it, waving his hands to try to disperse the mosquitoes that were targeting this remaining source of blood.

"Get away!" Saitama huffed, swatting uselessly at the annoying little things. "I said buzz off!" he yelled, clapping his hands together as hard as he could to kill a mosquito in front of him. The shockwave killed all of the nearby mosquitoes and blew a gust of wind across the farm, rippling the tall grass and fields for miles.

From in between his hands, however, the mosquito he'd targeted flew away unharmed with a little whining noise.

Saitama started to grind his teeth in frustration, but then noticed the cow in front of him start mooing pitifully again.

It was only a calf, definitely old enough to be weaned off its mother, but worryingly thin. It had probably just escaped being sucked dry of all its blood - maybe the mosquitoes went after the bigger animals first. Whatever had happened, Saitama was pretty sure it wouldn't make it much longer on its own. For a moment, he stared at it, wondering how much steak he could get for himself. One missing cow wouldn't really be noticed, and the meat would be very tender... Veal came from young cows, right?

"Do you want to be my dinner?" Saitama asked, scratching the back of his neck. Maybe he didn't have to come all this way for nothing.

The grey calf simply laid there, staring at Saitama. It had sleek, soft-looking fur and a blocky head on its skinny body, with big, honey-colored eyes framed by long black eyelashes.

"...Is that a yes?"

The calf lowed in response, and rose up on quivering legs. When Saitama reached out for it, it came closer, sniffing his hand curiously... and then sucked three of Saitama's fingers into its mouth.

"Um," Saitama stood there, confused, as the calf nibbled on his hand. "This is the opposite of what I wanted."

Delicately, Saitama extracted his hand from the cow's mouth, and wiped the cow slobber off on his shirt. "Okay," he said, deciding this day had been weird enough. It was time to cut his losses and go home.

Saitama started walking away, making his way back to City Z.

Behind him, there was the clang of a tiny cow bell as the grey calf followed, mooing and fussing loudly at him.

"Go home!" Saitama shooed it away with a wave of his hand, and then stopped midway, remembering all of the dead cows around him. "Oh."

And then the calf licked his hand and tried to suck on his fingers again. "Hey! No licking!" The calf mooed back at him. "Don't sass me!"

No matter how much he shooed it, the calf would not leave him alone. And with every visible field covered in more and more dead cows, Saitama could not bring himself to leave it behind on its own. Begrudgingly, Saitama headed towards the farm, deciding to do the right thing and make sure that the owners got their last remaining cow.

But the farm house was surrounded in mosquitoes, and when Saitama caught sight of a mummified hand, he turned around in his tracks.

"Let's go home," Saitama said.

The calf trotted after him happily, licking Saitama's fingers and drooling all over them, and Saitama allowed it with only a little complaint.

//

Half-way back, Saitama had named the cow Genos

//

Fifteen minutes after that, Genos had grown too tired to continue. He plopped down on the grass and refused to budge. Saitama had to carry him the rest of the way.

//

"This is temporary," Saitama told Genos when they got back to City Z. "My apartment doesn't allow cats and dogs."

Genos was curled up on Saitama's spare futon, his big eyes shiny and blinking at him slowly.

"But... You're not a dog. You're a cow. And I'm the only one in the building anyway," Saitama said, beginning to feel a little guilty. He had never done anything really bad in his life. Not on purpose, anyway. But Genos needed a place to stay. His family and owners were dead, and if Saitama left him outside he'd get eaten by a monster in no time. But he couldn't be in Saitama's apartment either, for obvious reasons.

"Heck," Saitama cussed, and then went to the next apartment and very gently broke the doorknob, letting himself in. "If anyone asks, you're paying rent."

"Moo."

Chapter Text

The first night was a matter of them both figuring out their new partnership. Saitama filled up the bathtub in the other apartment with water, so Genos could drink from it, and brought Genos some vegetables to eat. But Genos was more interested in his udon, and fussed at him and butted his head into Saitama until he finally shared.

"One bite," Saitama said, offering Genos some noodles from his chopsticks.

Genos stuck his nose into the bowl instead.

"You little shit!"

//

It was surprisingly hard to find farm supplies in the middle of a city. Even harder when a lot of the shops in City Z were either destroyed or boarded up.

Saitama ran back to the deserted farm to find more things that he needed. A bale of hay was the first thing he grabbed. He brought it to Genos's apartment and spread it all over the floor.

Genos started eating it.

"Genos no, that isn't food, that's for you to sleep on!"

"Moo!"

"Fine! Eat your bed, do whatever you like. See if I care."

//

Genos was surprisingly easy to put to sleep. He was already laying down quietly when Saitama said goodnight to him and shut the door, then went to his own apartment to brush his teeth.

Ten minutes later, Saitama was on his futon, half asleep when he heard a cow bell jingle and felt Genos start licking his head.

"Hey! You're lucky you didn't get punched into ground beef! Do I look like a salt lick to you?!"

"Moo!"

"Well, I'm glad you think so, but it's time for bed young man!"

"Moo!" Genos butted his head against Saitama, trying to roll him off his futon.

"No, you can't sleep in here! Go back to your room! Let's go!"

//

The next morning, Saitama found the need to borrow more things from the barn, including a pitchfork and a shovel.

To his credit, Genos looked a little ashamed of himself.

"Don't worry. I poop a lot too," Saitama said, opening a window that faced behind the apartment building, and flinging out the soiled hay. "... If anyone asks, I'm starting a compost heap, okay?"

"Moo."

//

Saitama couldn't stand the idea of leaving Genos cooped up in an apartment all day. It was one thing for him to choose to stay inside and watch movies and read manga, but Genos was used to wide open spaces. So Saitama got him a leash and took him to the park.

It was beautiful outside, with clear sunny skies and bright green grass.

Saitama had almost forgotten how many people still lived in City Z, despite how deserted his street seemed. They were all out today, walking, playing, and enjoying the park.

Saitama also never realized that cows could run and jump and kick and bounce around worse than toddlers on a sugar high. He'd only ever seen older cows grazing peacefully in fields. He'd thought that all cows were that calm and that they couldn't jump. But Genos was an excitable little terror.

"Genos, dude, you need to chill," Saitama said, standing still while his arm was jerked around by Genos's wild movements. Then the calf started butting his head against him, and when Saitama still didn't budge, he resorted to his last ace in the deck ... fussing pitifully.

"Fine, fine!" Saitama finally caved in, unclipping the leash from Genos's little cow collar. "Go have fun, you crazy kid!"

Genos bounded off happily, trotting around the park and eating grass.

Saitama let out a breath of relief, sat down on a nice plush part of the lawn, and then flopped down and shut his eyes for a moment. The sun was bright, shining even through his eyelids with a red glow, and the air was warm and he could hear people talking and the cheerful laughter of children playing around him. It was kind of annoying, honestly. But Genos was happy, and if he was lucky maybe the little demon would wear himself out before bedtime.

A minute passed, or maybe several, and then Saitama heard the familiar jingle of a tiny bell. "Don't you dare-" Saitama started to say, but before he even finished his sentence, he felt Genos start licking his head.

Saitama opened his eyes, staring up at the wet nose of a small cow. "Hey, what is this all about? Just because I'm bald doesn't mean-" and then he was interrupted again as Genos licked his mouth, making him splutter. "HEY! I don't need sloppy cow kisses!"

"Moo!"

"Listen, it's not you, it's-" Saitama stopped himself, realizing that someone was standing over him. "Uh... can I help you?" he asked, squinting to try to see who it was.

"Does this cow belong to you?" the guy asked. He was wearing an armored uniform of some kind, with goggles and a helmet, but the uniform didn't look like any kind of law enforcement Saitama recognized.

"Uh... yeah. Sort of. Temporarily. Look, if he pooped somewhere I'll pick it up," Saitama said.

"He did, actually, but that's not why-"the guy mumbled, embarrassed, and Saitama was no longer convinced that he was actually law enforcement. "You have to keep him on a leash. There are signs posted," he said, pointing to a sign by the park entrance that showed a dog on a leash.

"That sign says dogs have to be kept on a leash at all times," Saitama said. He gently squished Genos's little cow face in his hands, showing him to the busybody. "But Genos is a cow."

"I... I guess that's true," the guy said, rubbing the back of his neck. "But still, if you can't keep him under control I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."

"What?" Saitama laughed in disbelief. "Who are you, the park police?"

"I am C-Class Hero Mumen Rider, the Rider for Justice!" the guy responded, puffing up a little with pride.

Saitama was simply puzzled. "C-Class Hero? I'm a hero for fun, but I never heard of any other heroes."

"Nobody is a hero for 'fun'," Mumen told him. "It's serious work."

"Harassing guys and their pet cows while they're just trying to have a nice afternoon in the park is serious hero work?!" Saitama questioned, feeling a little self-righteous.

"I may not be strong enough to fight monsters, but I protect the people however I can," Mumen said.

"Nobody needs protecting from a tiny little cow," Saitama said, reaching out to pat Genos, who chose that moment to headbutt him in the ribs instead. "Ow, Genos! Okay, fine. But if you aren't strong enough to fight monsters, what is the point of calling yourself a hero? Are you really making a difference at all?"

"Yes. I am," Mumen answered, confidently and sincerely. "Yesterday, I helped a little girl get her cat out of a tree. S-Class heroes might laugh at little stuff that, because they think it isn't worth their time, but she was so happy to have a hero take the time to save her cat. Somebody needs to do those things too. I help out however I can."

Saitama softened, realizing that even if Mumen wasn't strong enough to fight monsters, he was right. A lot of people didn't care about the little things, they only cared about themselves. But Mumen rescued animals too. He'd understand.

"Yesterday, I punched a mosquito monster. It killed a bunch of cows, and the farmers. Genos was the only one left. So I brought him home."

"I heard about that on the news," Mumen said. "That was a level Demon monster. They were sending some S-Class heroes after it, but it disappeared before they could find it. You... punched it?"

"Oh? Yeah. It wasn't that strong. It only took one punch," Saitama said, disappointed as ever about that.

"Whoa! You must be really strong. Um, I'm sorry, I usually know all of the heroes, but I didn't recognize you. What's your hero class?" Mumen asked.

"There's a school for heroes?"

Mumen stared at him blankly. "Are you... not registered?"

Saitama stared at him blankly. Genos started licking Saitama's head again.

"You should register with the Hero Association," Mumen said. "If you're really that strong, they'll make you an A-Class hero right away, at least."

"You really think so?!"

"Yeah! But hurry up and apply, because they'll be doing the testing soon."

"Oh, okay!"

Mumen looked at Genos, and then knelt down and pulled up a handful of grass to feed to him.

"You really brought him home with you?" Mumen asked, while Genos ate out of his hand and then started nibbling on Mumen's glove.

"Uh, yeah," Saitama said, hoping that Mumen wouldn't ask him next about where exactly he was keeping Genos. "I just couldn't stand to leave him there all alone."

"I wish more people cared about animals like that. I've never told anyone else this but... I keep beehives at home. They make a lot of honey, and I sell some of it, but that's not why I do it. Bees are really important. Most people are afraid of them, but they need protecting too."

"That's cool," Saitama deadpanned, trying to imagine keeping swarms of bees in his apartment.

Mumen pulled up another handful of grass... and then the ground started rumbling.

"Please tell me that's your stomach, Genos," Saitama managed to say, and then the grass underneath them started to shift, the earth itself rolling wildly.

All three of them leapt to the feet, trying to find stable ground. Genos ran off, but he wasn't the only one -- people all over the park were screaming and running away as the lawn they'd been enjoying seemed to grow, lifting up high into the sky. Saitama and Mumen stumbled back to a pathway, where the ground remained firm. It seemed like only the grassy areas were affected -- right before their eyes the grass came together and grew into an enormous grass monster.

It roared loudly, spewing grass clipping from its thready mouth.

Genos mooed back at it.

"Are you joking me right now," Saitama said.

Around them, people started screaming about the monster, and crying out for someone to call a hero.

Mumen was already leaping into action. "Stay calm! Evacuate quickly! Stay off the grass!"

"Look, it's Mumen Rider!" somebody yelled. "We're saved!"

The grass monster continued to swell up while the park cleared out and Mumen helped an old lady to safety.

"FOR TOO LONG MY KIND HAS BEEN TRAMPLED ON! CRUSHED UNDER THE BOOTS AND FLIP-FLOPS OF MANKIND! DECAPITATED BY YOUR BLADED MACHINES! RIPPED UP BY THE ROOTS! EATEN! AND..." the grass monster glared at Genos with empty eye sockets. "POOPED ON!!!"

"Moo!" Genos said.

"You tell him, Genos!" Saitama cheered. "That's what grass is for!"

"NO MORE!!! NOW WE WILL RISE UP AND DO UNTO YOU WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO US!!!" the grass monster roared, and then promptly ate Genos.

"Genos?!" Saitama yelled, his eyes widening with concern as the cow was swallowed up by the out-of-control lawn. "GENOS! GENOS, ARE YOU OKAY?!"

From inside the mounds of grass, there was a faint, "Moo."

Saitama let out a little sigh of relief and then cracked his knuckles. Time to get serious. "Hold on, Genos. I need to pound this weed-freak real quick."

"I AM NOT A WEED!!!"

"Cows are supposed to eat grass, not the other way around!" Saitama yelled, and swung an uppercut into the monster.

Since the monster was made of grass, there was no solid connect between his fist and a body, which made this one-punch even more frustrating than usual. But regardless, the force of it made the monster explode, sending grass raining down from the sky for a half mile. In the middle of it all, Genos was standing there, unharmed, chewing on a mouthful of grass.

"Are you okay?" Saitama asked. "I'm keeping you on a leash from now on!" Then he looked around and saw the piles of grass everywhere, the ugly bare patches that were left in the park, and the clippings still showering down all around them. It was a huuuuge mess.

"If anyone asks, you did this," Saitama said. "They won't get mad at you, you're too cute."

"Moo."

"Thanks, buddy."

People started coming back into the park, cheering and making sounds of amazement.

"How did this happen?" "That was incredible!" "It's gone!" "Look at this mess!" "Who cares? He saved our lives!"

They started to thank Mumen Rider, but he shook his head in denial. "I wasn't the one who defeated the monster."

"Then who did?"

Mumen looked at Saitama.

Saitama pointed at Genos.

"Moo."

"WOW!!!!!!" "AMAZING!!!" "NO WAY!" "WHAT A CUTE COW!" "NO, THAT COW IS SUPER TOUGH!" "THIS IS SO COOL!" "A COW HERO!!!"

Saitama blinked in surprise at the crowd, and while they were distracted with their own excitement he clipped the leash back onto Genos's collar and picked him up.

"Let's go home before they ask who's going to clean up this mess."

"Moo."

"No, Genos, even you can't eat that much grass."

Chapter Text

"Look at this, Genos. There really are registered heroes. They even have a website where they keep track of their rankings," Saitama said, turning the laptop so that Genos could see. Genos rested his head on Saitama's knee and started chewing on his pajamas. "That Mumen Biker guy is Class C, Rank 1. How come I never knew about this?"

"Moo."

"Yeah, you're right. I haven't gotten out much lately, I guess. There's an application here and the test is in a week. Wow. I've only ever done this hero stuff as a hobby, though. Do you really think I should register?"

"Moo."

"That's true. That Mumen guy didn't have a clue who I was. Nobody ever does, even though I've defeated hundreds of monsters! Look, these guys have fans and they barely even do anything at all! If I've never heard of Amai Mask~ then how popular can he really be? Ha ha."

Saitama clicked on the link, and then nearly fell out of his chair. "THAT MANY MILLION?! I need to register right away... Genos, stop drooling on me and go find me a pen."

//

Saitama filed his application, and when it came time to take the test, he took Genos with him.

It was a lot busier than he expected -- there were men and women, young and old alike. Many of them were clearly into fitness, with rippling muscles that would be the envy of any body builders. Just as many were dressed up in really weird looking costumes.

"Oh. I guess it's easy to tell who's actually a hero and who is just a weird-o," Saitama laughed nervously, quoting what the Hero Association website had said. A couple of people overheard him and glared at him.

They kept walking, gathering attention from a few more people until someone approached him.

"Is that your cow?"

"Don't worry, he's on a leash," Saitama said.

"Wow, he's awesome!" someone else said, and Saitama felt a little relieved. He was beginning to wonder where he was going to leave Genos while he was busy testing.

"We're here to take the test today," Saitama told them. "Can you watch him while I'm gone?"

For some reason, they looked really excited. "Yeah, of course!"

"Thanks! Careful, he's a real demon sometimes," Saitama warned them with a laugh. He handed off the leash and then went to find out where he was supposed to go.

//

The next day, Saitama had a letter in the mail informing him of his acceptance as a C-Class hero.

The excitement was short-lived.

"Caped Baldy?" Saitama groaned. "What the heck."

Then he noticed a second letter. This one was addressed to 'Demon Cow'.

Saitama ripped open the letter in disbelief. And then he started laughing.

"Genos, look at this! You're a hero too," he giggled. "They must have thought that we were both taking the test. They made you S-Class. 'S' is wayyy below 'C'. That must be a reserve class."

Genos started chewing on the envelope, staring up at Saitama.

Slowly, the gears started to turn in Saitama's head.

"Wait. No... C-Class is the lowest rank. S-Class is the highest..." Saitama looked at both of their letters, confused. "You scored higher on the written test than me."

"Moo."

Saitama took a breath and sighed deeply. He looked down at Genos, at this little grey cow staring up at him with big bright eyes and a wet nose and his little tongue poking out, dotted with a piece of paper.

"I'm proud of you, Genos," Saitama said, patting Genos on the head. "Let's get something special for dinner."

//

There was a sale on at the supermarket, and Saitama dug into his savings a little so he could get Genos whatever he wanted. He kept Genos on a leash, of course. He'd learned his lesson. The two of them started off in the produce section, Genos's hooves clacking gently on the tiled floors.

"Cabbage it is," Saitama said, when Genos took a bite out of a head of cabbage. Genos had also taken a bite out of a carrot, a potato, and a hot pepper, which he'd visibly regretted. Saitama tried to keep clear of any other produce after that, but Genos was a crafty little thing. He pulled off a leaf of cabbage so Genos could keep nibbling on it, and added the cabbage to his cart with the rest of the sampled food. He wasn't sure yet what to make with all of it. Maybe hot pot, or a soup.

"Sir," an employee said, approaching them.

"Don't worry, I'm going to pay for these," Saitama said. "I'll even pay for the hot pepper, although I don't think Genos enjoyed it."

"No, sir, you can't bring a cow in here," the employee told him.

"Well, it was definitely difficult," Saitama agreed. "Your tiled floors make it really inaccessible for differently-hooved people. But we're managing."

"Sir... you can't have a cow in here because it's a health concern."

"Genos isn't that dirty..."

"We only allow service animals, it's a health concern. I'm sorry but your cow needs to leave."

"Fine! We'll take our business elsewhere. Genos, let's go. These people are cow racist."

"Moo!"

"Have a good night, sir."

//

"Ugh. What do we do for dinner now?" Saitama muttered, walking home again. They had tried another store, but it was closed when they got there, and now it was getting dark. "Maybe you really are dirty."

"Moo."

"I take a bath every day! Almost every day. Some days I don't do anything, so I don't need a bath. Don't give me that look."

Genos turned his nose up and away.

"I'm sorry. I guess I'll have to get something special tomorrow night. We could at least have eggs over rice tonight."

Behind them, a bicycle bell jingled, and Saitama turned around to see who was mad at him now. He almost didn't recognize Mumen without his hero uniform on.

"Where are you headed?" Mumen asked, a friendly smile on his face.

"Oh. We were going to get groceries, but they kicked us out," Saitama said. "And now everything is closed. So we're just going to go home. Sorry, Genos."

"Let me buy you something."

//

They found a food stall that was still open, and Saitama and Mumen sat down at the counter. Genos rested his big head on Mumen's lap and started chewing on his pant leg and drooling all over him.

"Genos," Saitama objected, embarrassed by the bad behavior.

"Hah, it's okay," Mumen said, patting Genos's head. "I didn't get a chance to thank you the other day."

"Is that why you're buying us dinner?"

"Partly. The other part is to congratulate you."

"For what?"

"For passing the hero exam," Mumen said. "I keep up with all the rankings and I saw you added to the C-Class list. And this little guy made S-Class."

"Yeah. No offense, but the test must be a joke. After all, you're stuck in C-Class too and you work really hard to keep people safe. But they made a cow into an S-Class hero, which is supposed to be the top rank, and it doesn't seem like those guys do half as much as you."

Mumen adjusted his glasses, trying to hide a blush. "I choose to stay at the top of C-Class. I wouldn't make it in Class B. There are a lot of people with special powers and super strength, like you."

"Then how did I end up in Class C?" Saitama groaned. "I've defeated hundreds of monsters."

"Really? Wow. Well, I guess nobody knows that," Mumen said. "Genos got ranked into S-Class because he's all over the news and social media right now."

"What?! For real?!"

"Yeah. You didn't know? Everyone is talking about him, because you said he defeated that grass monster. They asked me questions about him after you left, so I mentioned about how his family had been killed by those mosquitoes and he was the only one that survived. I guess they assumed that he defeated that monster too, so he got credit for two monsters."

"What the heck? But he's a cow," Saitama said. Genos butted his head against him. Saitama scratched his chin and let Genos have a bite of his food.

Mumen shrugged. "There's a rumor that he's possessed by a demon and that's where his power comes from. They're calling him Demon Cow."

Saitama slapped himself in the face. "I can't believe this."

"It's kind of funny, if you think about it," Mumen chuckled. "Don't worry, now that you're in the rankings, you'll get noticed. Just enjoy it while you can."

"What do you mean?"

Mumen winced. "I've heard the higher ranks can get tough. The Fubuki Group has control over Class B, and Amai Mask monitors both Class A and new members of S-Class. Be careful of him. He won't be pleased if he finds out Genos is just an ordinary cow."

"Nah, he's not ordinary, he's awesome," Saitama said, ruffling Genos's ears. Genos tilted his head up and started trying to lick Saitama's face. "Genos, no! No kissing!"

"Moo."

"Not in public," Saitama fussed, wiping off his face.

Mumen laughed and they ate together for a while, until Mumen checked his watch.

"I think it's time I got home to my girls."

Saitama lifted his brows, surprised by this new side to Mumen. "You have a wife and daughter?"

"Sort of. I've got about 50,000 bees at home," Mumen explained. "They miss me when I'm gone for too long."

"Oh."

"Goodnight. Thank you for letting me buy you dinner. You'll be a great hero."

"Thank you, Mumen," Saitama said, watching Mumen leave.

After he was gone, Saitama turned back to Genos and found the grey calf staring at him.

"I don't know, Genos. Some people are just weird with their pets," Saitama said. He finished his dinner, fed the rest of it to Genos, and then picked the calf up in his arms. "Let's go to bed."

Chapter Text

Giving a cow a bath was the worst decision of Saitama's life.

Worse than punching a booger monster.

Worse than 90% off discounted sushi.

Getting Genos into the tub was easy. Keeping him, and all of the water, inside of the tub was where the challenge lie. Saitama quickly realized he could only do one of those things. Genos started mooing up a storm, butting his head into Saitama's face, and flailing his hooves all over the place. The floor was soaking wet almost instantly, and towards the end of it, Saitama was certain that he had more water and soap on him than Genos did.

"Demon Cow" was an accurate description.

"Hellish Little Drool-Faced Whiny Baby Cow" was probably more accurate.

When Saitama finally put a towel over Genos and pulled him out of the tub, they were both relieved.

"Oh, sure, now you're calm," Saitama grumbled, holding Genos in his arms and rubbing him dry.

Genos thanked Saitama by licking his ear clean for him.

//

Being a C-Class hero, Saitama had to keep up a weekly quota.

He didn't even realize it until he ran into Mumen again while taking Genos for a walk, and mentioned the fact that Mumen was always out doing hero stuff.

"Ha ha, dude, you're always out doing hero stuff!"

"I guess I am," Mumen laughed awkwardly, while Genos tried to eat his shoelaces. "You must have made your quota already."

Saitama went pale. "What quota?"

"C-Class heroes have to do something for hero work every week, or they get dropped from the list."

"WHAT? But... I smashed that grass monster and the mosquito monster... That has to count for something!"

"That was really impressive, but it was more than a week ago, and everyone thinks Genos did that," Mumen told him, smiling nervously. "You'll have to find something else soon."

"It's almost been a week already!" Saitama cried, bouncing nervously on his feet.

"Then you'd better go-"

"I can't talk Mumen, I gotta go!" Saitama interrupted, picking up Genos and running off like a blur.

//

"Genos, you should have told me!" Saitama complained, racing around City Z like a madman trying to find something to do.

"Moo."

"What do you mean, you did? I don't remember that."

"Moo."

"I'm not having this argument with you right now, I need to find a bad guy!"

But wherever they went, Saitama could only find calm, happy citizens. There were no monsters to punch. There weren't even any car burglars or purse snatchers. There was nobody stealing candy from babies or kicking puppies. It was terrible.

"There's nothing to do!" Saitama wailed. Across the street, Mumen was helping a little girl with a scraped knee. "I'm going to be kicked off the hero roster before anyone even knows who I am!"

"Hero Saitama!" a voice bellowed behind him.

Saitama turned around to see a man about his age, wearing black and purple clothes, with his dark hair tied into a topknot and a katana hanging from his hip.

"Unless you need me to fight a monster, I'm busy trying to find a bad guy," Saitama told him impatiently.

"You and your cow humiliated me!" the man exclaimed, jabbing his finger directly at Saitama.

"We did?" Saitama scratched his head, trying to remember if he'd ever seen this man before in his life. "Did we? I don't remember ever meeting you before."

"I am the fastest and best fighter that there is. I've never faced an opponent and let him live. I swore that the next time I found you would be your last. I've been training harder than ever and I won't show mercy this time!"

"Fastest..." Saitama tapped his chin, and then snapped his fingers. "Aha! I know you... You're that guy... what was it again? Don't tell me. Gin and Tonic? Shock-and-Awe Sputnik? Oh! I know. It was Panic! at the Disco."

"I am Speed-o'-Sound Sonic!"

"Aww. Next time don't tell me," Saitama frowned. "I'll remember it."

"You'll remember it when you're dead!" Sonic cried, drawing his weapon and lunging forward.

"That doesn't even make any sense," Saitama said, side-stepping away from the attack.

Sonic looked startled for a moment that Saitama was able to so easily evade him, but his face quickly twisted up into a creepy, manic grin. "I'm faster than ever! Can you even see me?" he taunted, launching himself at break-neck speed through the air.

To anyone else, Sonic was moving so fast, he was hardly even a blur. To Saitama, he was just kind of hopping around awkwardly. But he looked like he was enjoying himself.

"Moo," Genos said, in alarm.

"No, I don't think he's creepy," Saitama said. "Did you see that innocent smile? He just wants to try his new moves out on me."

"Moo!"

"What do you mean, 'look ou-'"

"DIE, HERO SAITAMA!" Sonic cackled, swinging his katana full force at the back of Saitama's neck.

By his calculated angle and force, the blade should have popped this stupid bald hero's head off like a doll's, and made steak out of that cow he was carrying – and why was everyone convinced that a cow was a hero anyway? – but to his shock, the blade shattered into pieces instead.

"What just happened?" Sonic was still holding the broken end of his katana, but the rest was scattered like shards of glass.

"Oi," Saitama groaned, rubbing the back of his neck in annoyance. It felt like somebody had tried to hit him. Genos jumped out of his arms at the opportunity, and started running off. "Genos?" Saitama cried, unable to believe that Genos had left him to deal with this weirdo by himself. "Hey! Don't fight any monsters without me, okay?!"

Genos didn't wait around for him. With a sigh, Saitama turned to face the man. "Listen, I don't have much time for this, I need to find a bad guy."

"I see..." Sonic said to himself, sheathing what was left of his katana. "For some reason, I cannot fight you directly. I've been foolish in this."

He seemed so somber, Saitama couldn't help but feel bad for the guy. "Hey, man, don't give up so easily," he encouraged.

"I'll never give up!" Sonic cried, jumping incredibly high up into the air.

"That's the spirit!" Saitama grinned up at him, pleased that he could lift the man's spirits.

"I need to win this fight with a different strategy! If I can't attack you directly, I'll attack you indirectly!" When Sonic finished his exposition, he pulled out several shuriken. He was still in the air. He had really powerful thighs.

"Like, from the side?" Saitama asked, scratching his ear.

"Like your cow!!!" Sonic shouted, and started flinging his throwing stars in Genos's direction. They exploded on impact, sending shockwaves down the street. Civilians started screaming and running away, while Sonic laughed maniacally and kept flinging stars. He was still in the air somehow. Saitama couldn't figure out how he was getting that much hang time.

Genos mooing in distress interrupted Saitama's moment of deep thought, and snapped him back to reality. The street was in turmoil – people were crying out for a hero to come save them, and several things were engulfed in flame, including a fire hydrant. The focus of Sonic's attack seemed to be on Genos, but Genos couldn't protect himself – he was just a normal cow, even if Saitama thought that a cow as special as Genos was rare. If one of those throwing stars hit him, he wouldn't be so rare anymore, he'd be well-done.

"Oh!" Saitama snapped his fingers, his face lighting up. "A bad guy!!!"

"Hahaha! I'm going to cook your precious cow! Just try to stop me, hero Saitama!" Sonic laughed.

"Okay," Saitama said, suddenly right behind him. Sonic hardly had time to give him an alarmed look before Saitama lifted his hand and gently bopped him over the head. Sonic shot down out of the air and made a neat crater in the asphalt below. He hoped that taught him a lesson.

When Saitama landed on the ground again, he could hear civilians cheering. It made his chest surge with joy for a moment, but then he realized that nobody was actually paying attention to him.

"Demon Cow!" a girl's voice rang out clearly above the rest of the excited murmuring.

Saitama put a hand to his head and went to retrieve Genos.

The cow was in the middle of a crowd of people, their cell phones out, taking pictures with him.

"Demon Cow is so cool!"

"He really is a hero!"

"I don't know, it looked like he was running away from the fight..."

"No way!! I saw his eyes glow red! He was ready to unleash his power, if Baldy hadn't interfered!"

Several people suddenly turned to look at Saitama.

"You're welcome," he deadpanned, and they rolled their eyes at him.

"I wanted to see Demon Cow's power," somebody complained.

"I saw it! He's incredible!"

"Come on, let's go," Saitama said, trying to get Genos away from the crowd.

"You're not with him," someone objected loudly. "Demon Cow is an S-Class hero. Who are you, anyway?"

"I think that's C-Class hero, Bald Guy," someone else said.

"Who are you calling bald?!"

They ignored him, pushing tighter around Genos to take more cell phone footage and beg for a demonstration of his demonic abilities.

Saitama sighed, backing off before somebody elbowed him. This was weird. He'd gotten credit, but everybody cared more about Genos than they did about him.

Dejected, Saitama started walking off, deciding that he'd wait for a while until the crowd fizzled out and he could take Genos home. Worst case scenario, he could always snatch him, he guessed. But no sooner had he walked away when people started yelling.

"Ow!" "Look out!"

Genos headbutted the nearest person to him, knocking him back, and then started threatening to kick the rest that were crowding him in. They backed off when he started mooing loudly, taking it as a warning, and as soon as a gap broke in the crowd, Genos bolted, running after Saitama.

"Oh, I guess you're done already?" Saitama asked.

Genos butted his head against Saitama's leg, gently, until Saitama scooped him up into his arms again.

Behind them, the crowd was wild with excitement.

"Wow! Did you see that?"

"He nearly killed me! That was awesome!"

"He looked me right in the eye and I saw the demon!"

Saitama raised his eyebrows at that last overheard comment. He looked down at the calf in his arms, trying to figure out how they could imagine a demon in those deep, honey-colored eyes. Genos tilted his head up, looking back up at him, and batted his eyelashes.

Saitama laughed. "I don't see how-" He was interrupted by Genos licking his mouth.

"Genos!" Saitama spluttered. "Not in public," he teased. "What will people say?"

"Moo!"

"Yeah, yeah, you're right, who cares?"