Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Staying calm is the main thing, they’ve found, in not causing unintentional swaps. Admittedly, they’re still rather struggling on the whole controlling the swaps – it doesn’t seem like they can do it deliberately, and whilst the whole thing is still overwhelmingly baffling, they’ve noticed when it doesn’t happen. It doesn’t seem to happen on stage – when they’re comfortable, and close, and everything feels calm and easy. It happens more when he’s stressed or tired – pacing his lounge in the early hours of the morning, thinking over spreadsheets and planning and money, trying not to bother Pip – when he’ll snap awake in Sam’s bed and do his best not to wake Jay, either.

They’re always particularly jarring shifts. Going from sleeping to awake is rather worse than going from wakefulness to a sleeping body – the mind definitely has more than a little to do with controlling the whole rest thing. Wriggling out of the bed, adjusting to Sam’s lower centre of gravity and heavier, slower body is always a little disorienting. His phone buzzed on the bedside table, a soft flash of the screen as the whatsapp notification showed itself, recognising it as swap chat. They had their own servers for various things, everything from just conversation through to strict work only stuff and then – well – this. The one where they accepted that the person typing quite possibly wasn’t the person who’s name they were wearing.

tomwoodmanmayo: really sorry about your knees
tomwoodmanmayo: also I woke pip up sorry about that
tomwoodmanmayo: they want to know why you were awake at 4am
samruss: figuring out finances
samruss: what did you do to my knees?
tomwoodmanmayo: I spawned in asleep, man. You hit the deck real hard.
samruss: ah. Not your fault.
tomwoodmanmayo: you feel exhausted. I’m taking your body to bed.
samruss: well, there’s a promise I never thought I’d see.
samruss: I’m also taking your body back to bed.
alexanderjeremy: can you guys try swapping when it’s not going to wake the rest of us up
samruss: sorry aj
tomwoodmanmayo: sorry aj

He sighed, and laid back in the bed, resting Sam’s phone back on his table. He rested a hand over his face, closing his eyes, listening to Jay’s steady breathing. She hadn’t been woken by the phone, at least. It felt slightly weird, even in being in Sam’s body, to be sharing a bed with her… but Sam would absolutely kill him if he decided to go sleep on the couch instead. The weight of sleepiness still hung over his form, and even if Tom’s anxiety was already leaking out into him, it wasn’t like he could get into his computer from Sam’s so maybe it was okay to sleep. It was okay because it wasn’t his body. He tried not to think about how much he was going to hurt if he’d collapsed in the middle of the lounge, settling into the warm pillows and the calm of the room and -

Blinked his eyes awake blearily to the sunlight that was coming into the room, the sound of Pip getting ready for their day job. He turned – and then inhaled sharply. Oh, yeah. His bones definitely hurt, his knees especially. He did his best not to be mad at Sam – being so abruptly tugged into a wakeful body must’ve sucked – but he was going to take ages to heal and the last thing he needed was more tenderness. He rolled onto his back, sliding a hand into his hair, drawing Pip’s attention. They wandered over, with a gentle smile.
“Hi, sweetheart. You uh… are you yourself, again? Not talking to Luke or something?”
“No, it’s me.” he murmured. “Luke doesn’t normally swap from Spain, I think it’s… past the normal distance or something.” he scratched at his own scalp, slowly, and Pip leaned in to catch a quick kiss from him.

“Well, I’m glad you’re back to you. Poor Sam. I mean, I know you’re going to be sore,” they snorted a laugh, “God, the noise you made hitting the ground. He just went like a ton of bricks, honestly.” they shook their head slightly. “He was so confused. I’ve never seen you look so baffled.” they stroked his jaw and he leaned into it, sighing. “You should get some more sleep, if you can.”
“No… no, I need to get to work.” he sighed, shuffling to sit up, grimacing as his body throbbed unpleasantly. “Too much to do.”
“Hon…” they paused, meeting his eyes. “You need to get some proper rest. It’ll wait a day.”
“I know, but I don’t want to get out of the habit.” he grimaced. “I’m alright. You go to work. I’ll have a long shower first… loosen off the bruising. Ugh.” they chuckled, and then moved away. He listened to them puttering around for a little longer before the door swung shut, and he sat on the edge of the bed, trying to force his brain to the next task.

It didn’t seem to want to. Barely awake, and ADHD was already kicking his ass. He curled his shoulders in, taking a low, slow breath. Task. He didn’t really need to get out of his pyjamas if he was just going to be working on the computer, so getting dressed wasn’t a task he needed to stress about. Good. That was good. He needed to go to the spreadsheets he was working on last night. Figure out their budget; their ticket sales; what had already gone and what needed to go. Get the files from the last show ready to send to the editor. He needed to – there was a lot to do. He couldn’t take a day off. He couldn’t. Yes, he was – he was tired. Even though he’d just woken up he felt so, so tired, and he was struggling to focus. Brush his teeth. That was a task, that was a starting point, that was good, right?

Just go brush your teeth.

Go brush your teeth, Mayo.

(Why are you still sat on the edge of the bed?)

Oh. His chest was aching. He clenched his knees together, trying to provide some sensation, distraction. Body curling in, clenching his hands down but no, nope, no good. His heart was starting to race, his blood pulsed into his ears. No. No, no, no, this hadn’t happened for – for so long – for – why was he panicking? He was okay, he was okay, this was ridiculous, of all the things to start having a panic attack about and now he couldn’t even get off the edge of his bed without anyone here to make him and just when he was considering reaching for his phone because he needed to reach out he needed them he need to -

He was staring at a microwave.

His heart was calm, his brain was clear. He jolted back, looking around the pristine, white, boring kitchen, recognising it as AJ’s. The burst of chemicals from the change over took a few moments to catch up, and he could feel the anxiety ticking up as they mixed into the previously calm form, but the panic attack wasn’t logical and the physical effects would hit AJ now that he was in there. A breath of relief, that long moment of calm body had made it easier to get control of. He closed his eyes, counted back, took stock. When he opened his eyes, the microwave was beeping, so he instinctively popped the door, staring at a packet of rice. Only AJ would be having rice and chicken for breakfast, yeah, that made sense.

tomwoodmanmayo: jesus tom you okay?
tomwoodmanmayo: that was a bit of a shock to swap into
alexanderjeremy: sorry
alexanderjeremy: didn’t mean to thrust you into that
samruss: what’s going on?
lukefromessex: you okay, guys?
tomwoodmanmayo: you okay with me telling them?

He grimaced at that message on AJ’s phone screen, leaning against the counter. If he said no, then AJ would respect that… but the others would never drop it. And, well… they would want to know. They’d be worried. They cared about him. They loved him, and so… he would let them in. Because, as annoying as it was, he knew they had his back.

alexanderjeremy: yeah. Can’t imagine it felt good for you.
lukefromessex: what is going on???
tomwoodmanmayo: tom was having a panic attack when I swapped in
samruss: oh shit
lukefromessex: oh man. You okay?
tomwoodmanmayo: yeah. Didn’t take much to calm his body down. Wasn’t great fun to snap into though.
alexanderjeremy: again, really sorry about that.
samruss: do you know what triggered it? :(
alexanderjeremy: wish I did. Was fine, and then my heart was racing. Maybe just the weird swap in the night? I don’t know. Sorry, AJ. Sorry guys.
tomwoodmanmayo: it’s okay. Not your fault. Eat my breakfast, I don’t have anything urgent on. Do you need me to do anything with your body?

He paused, frowning at the phone, then tapped it on AJ’s lip. What did he need to do? Your spreadsheets. Your expenses. Every bit of fucking admin that I’m having to handle that – oh. Oh, no. Now AJ’s heart was racing and he found himself sliding down to the ground, bracing the broad back against the cabinets and sinking his head into his hands. Slow, calm breaths. He couldn’t be doing this. He couldn’t. Not here, not in AJ’s body; that wasn’t fair, to subject him to this. He had been handling this for – for years. Although… the panic attacks weren’t new by a long shot – he’d gotten them worse, back in university, way before this whole thing had been an issue at all. He needed to calm down and there was only one guaranteed way to calm down but that idea made his throat run dry because – no. No, not in AJ’s body. Not here, not now. His heart was thumping and his chest was aching. AJ’s chest. Rubbing his thumbs over the edge of his beard, scraping the skin in a familiar stim to try to ground himself.

He was okay. He was okay. He was in AJ’s kitchen, in AJ’s body, and he couldn’t do anything useful here right now so why – why -

tomwoodmanmayo: tom?

He stared at that word, blinking on the screen. His name. Just his name, with his own picture next to him. Disorientated, he jolted his head up again, exhaling sharply - no, AJ’s head, not yours, this isn’t you, you’re not being fair, you can’t do this to him! Poor AJ doesn’t deserve to -

He blinked.

“Jay?”

“... Okay, I’m not talking to Sam any more, am I?” her expression shifted from whatever they’d been talking about a moment ago, and now was shifting into concern. “Who - who am I talking to?” he pressed a hand against Sam’s chest and bowed himself forward, inhaling raggedly, body getting confused but oh no, now he was in Sam? Who the hell was he? Who - had AJ been yanked back into his own body? He was inflicting this on everyone, they were all going to be able to feel it and he felt completely and utterly ridiculous this was ridiculous how could he let this happen and - Jay had ahold of his hands. Her big dark eyes were meeting his, heavy with concern, squeezing and rubbing her thumbs over the back of his - of Sam’s - knuckles. Trying to balance the fact he knew he wasn’t looking out of his own eyes versus everything he was feeling versus  the unmistakable way he was now making Sam’s heart pick up and Christ every single person here had -

“Tom.” Jay was saying, now. “Tom, it’s you? Sam showed me the messages.” she was saying, soft and gentle and full of concern. He was used to her being a more chaotic energy, matching Sam’s. But he also knew how much sweetness was in her, just like, well, like Sam - they matched well. She was squeezing his hands, firm, solid. Sam’s hands. “You’re okay. You’re okay, I’ve got you. The guys have got you. I mean - well - not literally, but,” she took a careful breath. “Copy me, okay? Nice and slow, nice and steady. You’re okay in there. I know you want to get back to yourself - the quicker you can calm down, the quicker we’ll get you all back, okay?” she said. “Steady, now. I have you. You’re not alone.” she squeezed, and he realised it was intentional, the beat of it all puncturing her words. He squeezed back, and she smiled. “Okay. Nice and easy. Here we go -” she said. “- you’re okay, Tom. You’re okay. Just got a little overwhelmed.”

“Not had - one of these - in months -” it was strange, hearing Sam’s voice coming out but in his cadence, not used to making shapes with someone else’s mouth.
“That’s okay. Tom, I’ve known you for years, now. It’s not your fault, okay? This isn’t your fault. Nice and slow, nice and calm.”
He did his best to copy, trying to match that steady breath. Jay was calm, and solid, and warm. Against himself, he leaned in - just a little awkward with it. Not that he was unfamiliar with hugging Jay but doing it as Sam felt more intimate and he -
Her arms wrapped around him without hesitation, squeezing him, drawing him against her. He could feel her heartbeat and slowly relaxed. This was familiar, for Sam - this was what he was used to, and the muscle memory in the body was a discordant note against his unfamiliarity in his mind but it was still… nice. It was still nice.

“I’m sorry.” he mumbled against Jay’s chest, and she shushed him gently.
“It’s okay, Tom.” she whispered. “And, yes, before you ask, it does feel weird hugging my husband with someone else in his brain, but that’s okay. I’d be doing the same even if you weren’t in Sam, you know that, right? It’s okay. It’s okay.” she slid a hand into his - Sam’s - hair, scratching softly against his scalp, and he sighed. Sam’s body liked it even more than his did, feeling the wave of comfort it brought, and he allowed himself to accept this. Jay was family as much as the other boys were.

“I still owe him for my knees.” he commented, softer, and Jay snorted a laugh.
“Don’t worry, he still feels bad about it. Even though he was asleep when he became you.” she rolled her eyes, and Tom allowed himself to sit back, blinking tiredly at her. He felt terrible that he’d clearly worn Sam’s body out with the effort of the panic, and AJ must be the same, and only Luke seemed to have been spared - except -
“Oh, shit, the - the chat -” he scrabbled for Sam’s phone, popping open the chat, scrolling through the backlog of messages - squinting, taking a moment to battle with Sam’s brain, the physical difficulties that made processing words a challenge. It was the thing he liked least about when they changed with one another; his mind was his greatest asset… but, well, it at least made him appreciate Sam’s reading a little more. 

samruss: sorry, sorry, I’m in Sam now
tomwoodmanmayo: yeah, we figured; I’m in you.
alexanderjeremy: and I’m in AJ.
samruss: that’s not actually helpful, guys. Name check?
tomwoodmanmayo: AJ
alexanderjeremy: Sam
lukefromessex: luke :)
samruss: Tom. luke, that wasn’t really necessary.
lukefromessex: you love it. Glad you’re doing okay though.
samruss: Jay talked me down. Sorry to inflict that on all of you, guys. You didn’t deserve that.
alexanderjeremy: can’t be helped, mate. You feeling better?
samruss: yeah. Hopefully we’ll swap back soon now I’m calmed down.
alexanderjeremy: not too soon, im making aj some real food.
tomwoodmanmayo: don’t you mess with my breakfast!!
alexanderjeremy: it’s the most depressing thing i’ve ever seen!! You’re going to eat something nice and enjoy it.

Ignoring the bickering, Tom closed the phone and rested it on his lap. Jay was watching, dark eyes concerned, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear.
“Just, uh… AJ’s in me - AJ’s in… Tom, and Sam is in AJ.” he explained. “And I am Tom. In Sam. Ugh, I’m getting a headache.”
“On the bright side, when you swap back, that’s not your problem any more.” Jay pointed out, and Tom snorted a soft laugh, sounding more like a rough bark in Sam’s throat.
“Yeah, but it’ll be yours.”
“Nah, it’s fine.” Jay hesitated, before asking, soft now, “Are you feeling any better, Tom?”
“Yeah. Lot clearer. Chest hurts… less, although that might just be because I’m in Sam.”
“Do you know what triggered it?” Jay asked, probing carefully. “Any idea at all?”
He opened his mouth, then fidgeted, adjusting Sam’s waistband a little to stop it digging in so badly. “Tom?” she prompted, further. “It’s okay, you know we won’t be mad. Are you overworking yourself again?”
“I’m not overworking myself.” he objected, immediately. “I’ve got a lot to do but I’ve been doing this forever, it’s fine, it’s normal.” he gestured with Sam’s hands, sitting back a little on the sofa, “I just don’t like being away from my computer for long, I was just… getting ready,” sitting on the edge of the bed, why was he lying to her? He was stuck, he’d been caught, trapped -

“Tom.” Jay said, more firmly, now. “You’re overworking yourself. You need to talk to the others.” he swallowed hard, crushing back the wave of fear that had risen just thinking about it. “It’s okay to be overwhelmed. You’re always telling everyone else about needing to accept help, right? Your turn, now.” and he smiled wanly, looking down at their hands again.
“I’m sorry that you… had to deal with this.”
“Really? I’m not.” Jay said, and it was so unbothered that he found himself blinking owlishly. “Do you think you would’ve told anyone, if you guys hadn’t started switching around? Or would you have just… tucked it away?” and he felt like he was being xrayed, Jay was looking at him so intensely. “Have you even talked to Pip about it, huh?”
“They’re busy.” he mumbled. “With their day job, and I -”
“They love you.” Jay said, gently, “You know they’re going to be worried.”
“Why can’t I swap when it’s a good reason?” he groaned, rubbing Sam’s eyes, and Jay laughed quietly. 

“Look,” she said, gently, “I don’t know how much longer you’re going to be hanging out in Sam - I’m assuming you haven’t made a lot of strides in making the swaps happen deliberately?”
“We do try.” he admitted. “Being able to change back would be very useful. I’m terrified it’ll happen whilst I’m driving and I’ll hit someone.” he sighed, shoulders drooping. Jay nodded.
“Sam mentioned. Don’t worry, he’s worried too.” she soothed. “But why don’t you just… relax, for a bit? Actually,” she glanced down at her phone on the table. “Okay, if you guys are still rapid fire swapping maybe we hang fire for a bit, but Sam doesn’t have anything to do today other than hang out with me. Maybe everyone should go over to your flat? Not even to do anything, just… body doubling?”
A bolt of panic struck his chest. He wasn’t sure why this time, either; but just… everyone else being at his flat as he struggled with the work he’d been trying to do? Sure, it’d be easier to ask questions but at what cost?

“I… I don’t know,” he mumbled, swallowing hard, throat dry. “Maybe it’s not the best idea, everyone would have to travel, it’s…”
“Tom..?” Jay said, slowly. “I don’t think this is about that, is it? About the swaps.” she tilted her head, and he shifted uncomfortably in Sam’s body. Taking a slow breath. Thought about his guaranteed way to get control of his fear. Sam’s hands twitched and he looked down at them, the dark hair that lined them, the unscarred wrists. Sam who had always been at his side when he’d needed him but was tired, and busy, and the last thing he wanted was to be anything like a burden…

“So how do we help?” Jay asked, squeezing his hands again. He looked up at her face, taking a steadying breath, grateful for her presence, calming, solid. Not that his wife wasn’t that, but he’d learnt… how to avoid them. All the years together, living together and the relationship and it was slightly jarring because he’d just realised how easy he found it now, to maintain things under wraps. To stop them from seeing when he was starting to fall apart. Christ.
“I guess… I don’t know.” he admitted. He twiddled Sam’s thumbs together, shoulders hunching. Sam wasn’t really tall enough for his usual shrinking habits to do a damn thing, but the impulse was still there. “I don’t know, I just - “

“ - think I need… a… oh.” he was in his kitchen, staring at a cabinet. Glancing down at his hands - familiar. Long, spindly. His wedding ring. There were plates on the rack and he was dressed. He reached up, checking his hair, but it was dry - so they hadn’t taken his body for a shower. He wouldn’t have minded, really, but some part of him was grateful that line hadn’t been crossed. “Huh.” he frowned, and then patted his pockets for his phone, finally spotting the flash of red on the countertop nearby. He looked at the screen, and there was the swap chat. At least it felt natural in his grip again, and he leaned his hips against the edge of the counter, scrolling back up a little through the chat.

alexanderjeremy: you’re very much enjoying bacon
tommayowoodman: where the hell did you find bacon in my house??
alexanderjeremy: :)
tommayowoodman: did you go to the shop???
alexanderjeremy: okay I’m back in myself. Sam I’m going to kill you. Where’d everyone else end up?
samruss: I’m myself again too. Tom?
lukefromessex: I’m still in me. Feel almost like I’m missing out.
tommayowoodman: yeah i’m me again. Sorry for triggering all of this.
samruss: not your fault man
alexanderjeremy: yeah we’re good
tommayowoodman: arguable was actually my fault, in fact it was my fault entirely. I absolutely triggered that by having a panic attack.
samruss: is that a bad thing?
tommayowoodman: what??
samruss: I mean I don’t think you would’ve told us if we hadn’t been yanked into you. 

He sat back, staring at that message. He was sure Sam didn’t mean to be accusatory, of course, but it still… felt accusatory. Because he was right. He was absolutely right. He never would have told them about the panic attack - he would have hidden it, as he always did, because the last thing he wanted to be was a burden and he had chosen to take on the admin role because he was, admittedly, the best at it. His knuckles tapped against the countertop, subtle stimulation as he struggled to figure out what to say to the others. 

tomwoodmanmayo: AJ did you do my washing up?
samruss: question dodger.
alexanderjeremy: yeah I saw it there and thought it might be useful
alexanderjeremy: you don’t get to say anything, you ignored my requests to respect my body.
samruss: wait shit are you actually mad?
samruss: it won’t do any damage, AJ, it was one portion of bacon and eggs, man. And it was very tasty.
alexanderjeremy: I have a diet plan, Sam!

Tom rubbed his eyes. He had to stay calm. He wanted a shower. But he was dressed, AJ had dressed him, so - if he was going to have a shower he would have to get changed again. Could he wear these clothes again? They weren’t really dirty beyond they’d been on his dirty body, so he didn’t really see an issue but the effort of getting them off and showering and then all of it again and…

Maybe he was a little overworked.

He needed to stay calm. They couldn’t start switching around again, he needed them to be settled and now Jay was most likely floating the idea of them all invading his home which was the last thing he wanted right now. He wanted to be alone. He looked down at his arms, remembering how it felt to look down and see Sam’s; but he could always pick out the well faded, silvery lines that marked his skin. If he wasn’t so pale, they would have been far more obvious, so he was grateful, but they were… familiar. Like poking at a bruise or -

Grounding. He’d talked about it before; when he was younger, when Pip had been becoming part of his life, they had seen the marks. It had been… bad, at university. He wasn’t as good at hiding it, back then, and Pip had done everything in their power to keep him from sliding back into that dark place but… once. He remembered it so clearly, now. He’d called them in tears, ashamed, so ashamed - and they had been so incredibly calm.
“Tom.” they’d said, soft and warm and he really truly didn’t deserve them, brash, cocky student that he’d been - although when you were being compared to Sam Russell or Luke Manning, well, you’d always seem calm and shy. “This is a coping mechanism. Okay? It’s not a good one, it’s not a healthy one, and I don’t want you to do it. But - it’s a coping mechanism. You’re using it to cope. It’s the first step to a healthy mechanism, right? So… no. I’m not mad at you. I love you. And I want you to feel better.”

He’d spent a lot of time that night, crying down the phone to them.

“Just a coping mechanism.” he mumbled to himself. The only one that was guaranteed to calm him down. The only one that always, always worked. The one that made him focus when he was losing control, something grounding that would last a day or two at least and he didn’t need to think too hard about it because even though he hadn’t slipped like this in years he still knew exactly what to do. How easy it was. Tugging out the DIY toolkit from the back of the cupboard to get the wire snippers, grabbing one of his emergency safety razors from the pack he kept in his overnight bag. Standing in the kitchen, it didn’t take much, even if he was a little bit rusty with the motions. Drawing, clipping the edges, gripping the top and pulling. With the crack and the pop as the blade released from the plastic. Ever so carefully he dropped the pieces into the bin, turning the sharp, slender metal, well aware of how deadly sharp it was and not wanting to slice his fingertips. That was a lesson you learnt once.

“Am I really doing this?” he whispered, feeling his heart rate tick up. Calm. He needed to be calm, because if he switched right now - he pressed the blade against the inside of his arm, and hissed between his teeth at the bite, the tug, the almost imperceptible sensation of an incredibly sharp bit of metal drawing and splitting flesh,  the endorphin rush and then - the calm. He exhaled slowly, taking a moment to watch it bubble and bleed before he did another line. All of it hit him at once, like a truck, the familiarity; the pain; the rush and the relief. It throbbed, aching lowly, shifting from sharp to dull fairly rapidly. When he’d done a half dozen, he stopped, letting out a ragged groan as he arched his head over the sink, bracing his elbows on the side.

But his heart was already calmer. He wasn’t changing places. He wasn’t switching. He was in control.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he startled badly enough that he dropped the blade into the sink. Pulling it out with shaking fingers, he stared at the device, taking a moment to register that the swap chat was still going. He scanned back over the messages, checking for anything important, nothing jumping out at him.

tomwoodmanmayo: remember guys we should only be using this chat if we’re swapped
samruss: yeah shit sorry
samruss: did anyone else just feel that though?
tomwoodmanmayo: feel what?
alexanderjeremy: yeah i felt it too. Weird.
lukefromessex: like a tug, right?
tomwoodmanmayo: what are you talking about? I didn’t feel anything.
lukefromessex: it was really weird. And I felt it too, out here. It was like a swap that didn’t work?
samruss: yeah. Like I was being pulled but it bounced me back? Were any of you trying to swap?
lukefromessex: why would I want to leave the beach and come to England?
samruss: disappointed you missed the panic attack special?
alexanderjeremy: Tom, you ok?
tomwoodmanmayo: yeah im fine.
alexanderjeremy: you really didn’t feel it?
tomwoodmanmayo: no. nothing? That’s weird.
samruss: maybe you were trying to pull us in at the same time? Created a traffic jam.

He looked at the shine of the blade in the sink; the glimmer of the blood droplets on his wrist rapidly starting to go tacky. Shame curdled in his chest. Now he was going to have to clean this and hide it but - he knew what that was. More than anything… it had worked. The start of the panic, and then the calming effect of the cuts… he was sure he was right. They’d bounced back because he’d gotten control of himself and it was okay. It was okay, and he was okay, and sure, he’d relapsed, but - it was a coping mechanism. And it was okay.

tomwoodmanmayo: I know it’s hard to believe but I actually don’t enjoy bouncing between you like a ping pong ball.
samruss: are pingpong balls known for bouncing around?
alexanderjeremy: that’s more like bouncy balls, right?
tomwoodmanmayo: thanks guys. Very helpful. I’m okay. Thanks for doing the dishes, AJ.
alexanderjeremy: yeah man no problem.
alexanderjeremy: I’ve got a bunch of computer work to do today too, you want company?

He felt that bolt of fear in his chest, tightening his hand, staring at his wrist. 

tommayowoodman: I’m fine. Want to focus. Don’t worry. We’re all good.
samruss: if you’re free tonight Jay said she’d love to have everyone over. Have a pizza night or something?
tommayowoodman: sorry I have plans.
alexanderjeremy: really? I thought you were working all day?
tommayowoodman: maybe my plans are sleeping, you don’t know that.

He was aiming for casual, for calm. His hands were shaking. He put the phone down, staring at the blade, itching for it again. The panic was starting to flare up again and he focused in on the pain in his arm to settle and calm him. Slow breaths. He was alright. He’d be… fine. Just needed to get ahold of himself, and the swaps.

He looked in the mirror, staring at his eyes, too big, too dark, just – his hands tightened on the edge of the sink and he let out a ragged noise from the back of his throat. Half laugh, half something he couldn’t even figure out. Jesus christ. What the hell was going on with him? He inhaled sharply, digging his nails into the cuts, causing them to start bleeding again, the goo still too fresh to have sealed them up. The blood stained his fingertips and oh, yeah, he was - he was crying, the guilt and shame clawing heavy into his chest. He sniffed. What was Pip going to say? He couldn’t let them see. He couldn’t let any of them see, Christ, what was he thinking, years he’d been clean and now - now - he was bleeding and panicking in his bathroom and -

“Oh, no.” he said, in a voice with a burr that was different to his, feeling the warmth on his skin and jolting his head around as he looked out the window to a sun-baked environment that couldn’t have been more different to London. He jolted to his feet, head swinging around for his phone, strands of blonde hair falling into his eyes.

The buzz alerts him and he nabs it from where it’s precariously resting on the side. Not the WhatsApp; a text, sent direct to his phone, Tom flashing up above the words. Beyond some chat about flights and transport and there -

We need to talk.

Oh, shit.

Chapter Text

He didn’t know what to do. He was in Luke’s body. Luke was in his. Back in London. He wasn’t sure they’d ever even changed over such a distance before, he couldn’t remember it but if they had it hadn’t been him. There was that message from him, his own name and number, because Luke… Luke was in his bathroom. With his razorblade and his bleeding arm and, oh, God, it couldn’t have been worse, couldn’t have looked more incriminating. He was debating what to do, swallowing hard, when the device began to buzz. There it was, a call, and he was grateful he already had roaming enabled because otherwise his bill was going to be horrendous. He stared. He should answer. He needed to answer. Luke was going to be furious, he was reaching out but it had been ringing for too long and now…

1 missed call, showed the screen.
Oh, Luke was going to be losing his mind. Tom was losing his mind which was unfortunate because his mind and his body weren’t currently connected in any kind of way that made sense. His throat, Luke’s throat, was dry, and when he looked at the phone screen again he could see that his hands were trembling.
“Paloma?” he called out, cautiously, but there was no response. She must be at work. He felt awful but he couldn’t remember what she even did for work and now he was sitting down heavily on the floor, resting his head between his knees. There were a few more buzzes before he finally managed to look up.

Texts – two of them.

Answer the fucking phone, Mayo.

Tom. We have to talk about this.

And… a whatsapp message. Which was now becoming rather more whatsapp messages because -

tomwoodmanmayo: can someone get in contact with Tom?
samruss: Who’s he in?
alexanderjeremy: not me.
samruss: wait shit Luke is Tom in you??
tomwoodmanmayo: he’s not answering my texts or calls.
tomwoodmanmayo:wasn’t sure if he’d answer from you guys.
lukefromessex: I’m fine.
tomwoodmanmayo: oh thank god.
samruss: you’re in LUKE???
samruss: did you fly back in without telling us? Are you in the country?
tomwoodmanmayo: we need to talk about this.

His heart sunk down to sit somewhere in the base on his stomach, carrying with it a heavy nausea. Now Luke was going to out him to the rest of the guys and it was all going to start again, just like at uni when they first found out, long before this body swapping shit started at all. They were always so worried when he relapsed; and he'd been doing so well but now Luke was in his body, and he was getting that and he'd be feeling it and would he feel the relief? Would he have the rush? Now his hands, Luke’s hands, were shaking… no burn or sting, even though this body didn't hunger for it with the familiarity that his own body did. How much of it was learned? Christ…

He jumped as the phone started to ring again - flashing his picture, and he took a breath, and this time, he answered it, swiping across the accept the call and pressing it against Luke’s ear.
“Hello.” he said, a statement, rather than a question.
“You need to start talking,” Luke said, and hearing his own deep voice down the line was always more than a little jarring, a little dissonant. Thankfully the line didn’t feel too different to watching back his recordings of himself, but it was still… strange. His legs wobbled; he sunk down to the floor, glancing over at the sofa a few mere feet away but feeling like it was a mountainous distance. He rested Luke’s head in his hand. “Because right now, I am looking at something that I really can’t think of a good explanation for.”

“It just happened.” Tom whispered, tightly. “I… I didn’t mean to - I was just - it’s the first time in years, Luke.” the hoarseness sounded strange in Luke’s voice, and he wasn’t sure he would ever get used to hearing his own tone in someone else’s voice. How much accent was trained and how much was learned; his own voice with a touch of an Essex accent was also immensely weird. “I didn’t want you all to keep getting pulled into my head because my anxiety was out of control and I am - I am -” he stuttered out, clenched his jaw, took a breath, “I am really tired.” he said, and drooped. A few moments of silence, and he would’ve thought the line had died if it wasn’t for his own breathing echoing down to him.

“Tom…” Luke said, slowly. “Okay. Well… alright. But… cutting? Really?” and his voice had shifted from judgement to a low warm concern that was familiar even with own voice saying it. “Tom, man… why didn’t you say anything before it got to this point?”
“I didn’t… it wasn’t thought out. I just wanted to be calm enough to stop us all from changing around. The pain is… it’s calming.” he swallowed hard. “It makes me feel grounded, it makes me… it gives me something to focus on. And I felt awful the second I’d done it, all I could think about was how badly I’d fucked up and next thing -”
“Next thing we swapped places.” Luke said, softly, and sighed. “Right, I’m throwing all of this away.”
“Be careful,” he said, immediately, “Those blades look flimsy but they’re really sharp.”
“Don’t worry, I know.” Luke responded, and Tom kept his eyes closed, listening to the shuffling of things being cleaned and moved. He wasn’t sure if Luke would bother to be careful, to hide it, but it didn’t matter - Luke knew, so the others would know, so it would get back to Pip.

“Do I need to do anything with these, Tom?” Luke asked, soft, “Do I need to clean them or - is there anything I need to know?”
“Just wash them with cool water,” he mumbled, “They’ll seal over. Just uh - it stings. Be aware of that.” he cleared Luke’s throat, biting his lip. “It can catch you off guard if you’re not used to it.”
There was a pang in his chest. A familiar feeling, but one that surged nausea into the back of his throat, but he absolutely could not throw up, because then Luke would have to deal with the echoes of that and that wasn’t fair. But he was jealous, he was envious that Luke would get to feel that sting and he wouldn’t, and once the wounds were sealed they wouldn’t hurt nearly as badly which would mean their calming effect was gone and -

“Tom, that tug,” he said, quietly, “Was that when you were hurting yourself?”
“I’m not sure,” he mumbled, “I didn’t watch the time, but I guess it could have been. I was, um, I wanted to calm down so - I mean, I figured it was because I got control of the swap.” he rubbed his fingertips over his eyes, a few loose strands of long hair falling into his face. He wasn’t sure how Luke tolerated letting it grow out so much, but it felt deeply uncomfortable, the way it touched his skin constantly, tickling against the flesh. 

“I think Sam was right.” Luke said. “Your brain was trying to stop you, so it was trying to grab us all at the same time, but we bounced out again.”
“No, that… no, that doesn’t make sense.” he mumbled. “It’s caused by stress, right? I got control of the stress, I got control of the anxiety so -”
“Is that really what happened, though?” there was a clink, like a mug being moved. “Because I don’t think it was, Tom. You said you were… tired, right?”
“Mhm.” he mumbled. “I mean, I didn’t get much sleep. Maybe that’s why I’ve been swapping so much?”
“No.” Luke sighed down the phone, the sound gusty from his big lungs, “Wow, it’s weird being so high up. I always forget how tall you are. No, I know how you said it. You’re overworking yourself, aren’t you? Finding it hard to switch your brain off again?”
“Are you making tea?” Tom interrupted, hearing the burble of the kettle.
“Your body is thirsty, alright?” Luke objected, “And, I don’t know, tea tastes better in you. I think you must have different sensitivities to me.”
“But you like tea?”
“I do like tea.” Luke agreed. “Stop changing the subject.”

Tom opened his eyes a crack, looking at the desert tile and the nice cooling effects that were unnecessary in gloomy London. He did like Luke’s home, the few times he managed to make his way over to Spain… although usually Luke was putting AJ up, and Tom would be in a hotel. By himself.
(He didn’t mind a hotel. He’d found he really hated being by himself, though.)

“Sam and you swapped at four in the morning.” Luke was stating. “You sent everyone into musical bodies yesterday because you had a panic attack, but you haven’t told any of us what triggered it.”
“I don’t know what -”
“You’re lying to me again.” and Luke was so matter of fact about it, sans judgement but stating it like it was obvious. “You know you don’t have to do that, right? You can tell me, you can tell us. Look, if we’re close enough friends that we’ve started spending time literally in each other’s heads -”
“That’s not how this works, Luke.” he mumbled.
“We don’t know how this works! The only reason we haven’t told people is because they’d think we were crazy, right?” Luke pointed out, “So nobody knows what causes this.”
“Alright, fair point.” he tilted his head back against the cabinets.
“It’s okay to let us in.” Luke said, softer. “And I think we… probably need to check the group chat.”
“Oh, shit.” he scrambled to drag out Luke’s phone, staring back over the messages, the increasing alarm that had followed behind the rather ominous last message that had come from his own number. 

He scanned down to the most recent handful.

samruss: Who am I meant to be calling right now?
alexanderjeremy: yeah I have no idea whats going on
alexanderjeremy: luke you aren’t in the county are you?
samruss: I called Tom there was no answer
samruss: Tom’s phone. I called his phone.
alexanderjeremy: no answer from Luke. Maybe they’re talking to each other?
samruss: why are you guys phoning instead of talking here?
tommayowoodman: sorry guys didn’t mean to scare you
tommayowoodman: swapped in at a bad moment
alexanderjeremy: bad moment?
samruss: are you both okay?
lukefromessex: I’m fine. Nice and warm out here :)
samruss: okay, maybe slightly jealous of that.
tomwoodmanmayo: we need to do a zoom meeting later.
tomwoodmanmayo: because I need to be there for it.
samruss: what’s going on?
tomwoodmanmayo: not my place to say.

“Oh, fuck you.” he muttered.
“I heard that.”
“You’re forcing my hand, Luke, it’s not fair.”
“Would you have done it otherwise?”
“You guys have to stop using that against me.” he grimaced. “It’s not right.”
“I know.” Luke admitted, soft. “But you built the playbook, Tom. I’m only using your rules. We have to force you. And, look; you feel better, don’t you? Knowing we all have your back? Christ, we love you. So much. I just wish you could make your brain understand that.”
“Me too.” he agreed, even if his voice was very quiet, trying to come to terms with the low ferocity with which he’d just said those words. It was more than fact, it was one that he was willing to go to war over, and even if it was jarring to hear his own voice saying those things… “Luke, I am sorry. The moment I did it, I felt so ashamed, so much regret. I just… the urge was so strong.”
“And that’s probably what triggered a swap strong enough to pull me from Spain.” Luke sighed down the phone.

“Look, Tom, I know… I know this is hard. I know you’ve always struggled with letting us in or, fuck, even seeing when your brain is starting to backslide. I’m not mad at you. The others won’t be, either.”
“Sam will.” he muttered, churlishly.
“No. Sam will yell, but it’s because he’s scared, not because he’s mad, Tom. I don’t know if I can make you understand how it feels from the other side, just…” he sighed gustily down the line, making good use of Tom’s big lungs. “And the panic attack?” he prompted. Damnit.
“I was… sitting on my bed.” Tom mumbled. “Thinking about what I needed to do. Then it got too much and I was - I was just -” he broke off into a rough laugh, rubbing at Luke’s eyes as he sniffed. “It was just the idea of getting up and having a shower! That was all it was! But there’s so much to do that I’m not doing and, God, I can’t be wasting time with this I need to -”
“You don’t need to anything, Tom.” Luke said, incredibly softly down the phone. Wow, he’d barely realised his voice could drop that deep. “We have your back. Any of us will help. AJ knows what he’s doing, and I’ve seen your spreadsheets.”
“But this is my job, and if I can’t even go take a shower -”
“You got overloaded. It’s fine. It’s part of the ADHD, Tom, remember?” he could hear Luke moving around again, the sip of tea.

“You just need to let us in.”
“Well, you’re in now.” Tom said, dryly. “Literally, in this case.”
And Luke snorted a laugh in a way that was very much him and there was that sensation of strangeness going on, hearing Luke’s noise from his own nose… he lowered the phone and flicked it onto speakers, reading back the chat.

samruss: whatever’s going on we want to know
alexanderjeremy: is everyone okay???
lukefromessex: I relapsed.
lukefromessex: Tom. I, Tom, I relapsed.
samruss: oh shit.
lukefromessex: I was just trying to get ahold of the panic and the swapping and I didn’t think it through
lukefromessex: think that’s what yanked Luke into me
samruss: jesus fucking christ, Tom.
alexanderjeremy: are you okay though?
tomwoodmanmayo: it was very mild dw
tomwoodmanmayo: easy enough to clean up.
lukefromessex: I’m really sorry, honestly, I am. This isn’t a trend or an ongoing thing. It was once; I’m not suicidal; I’m managing, I swear to god.
samruss: doesn’t sound like it.
alexanderjeremy: Sam.
tomwoodmanmayo: we’ll talk about it when we’re back in ourselves okay? Do a call.
lukefromessex: yeah that sounds good.
alexanderjeremy: no you’re all coming to mine.
lukefromessex: but your flat is tiny??
alexanderjeremy: ah ffs
samruss: that was very jarring. You good sam?
lukefromessex: oh my god I’m so sorry.
tomwoodmanmayo: here we go again, then. Just - everyone relax. Go get a drink with your respective bodies. We’ll talk in a bit, okay?
lukefromessex: role call?
lukefromessex: Tom
tomwoodmanmayo: Luke
samruss: AJ
alexanderjeremy: Sam
lukefromessex: straight swaps then. Sorry guys. Didn’t mean to set this all off again.
tomwoodmanmayo: stop blaming yourself. Sam is that offer still open?
alexanderjeremy: yeah. Jay’s been talking about it anyway. Everyone who can is coming over.
tomwoodmanmayo: sounds like a good plan.

-

The screen in front of him flashed to a lobby. In his chair, Tom fidgeted. Pip was due home from work in an hour. He had managed to take a shower; he had eaten some lunch, due, in part, to the fact that someone who had been in his body had gone ahead and meal prepped him two containers in the fridge. It was just simple stuff, but with the barrier of having to make it being gone, it hadn’t been too hard to microwave it and sit down with it and a cup of tea. Everything felt more… functional, now. It seemed more of an AJ thing to do than Luke but he really wasn’t sure how AJ could have done it in the time he’d had in Tom’s body and it sure as hell wasn’t Pip so…

The others had given him strict orders not to touch his work. The anxiety was still hanging overhead, but he’d cleaned his arm thoroughly in the shower, taken his time, read a little bit of a book and mostly… just kinda… pottered around, working through his breathing exercises. Snapping back into himself had been less jarring than he’d expected - on the phone with Luke, talking quietly about nothing much, Luke had gotten him to sit by the window and started pointing out little details about the view. It was nice; grounding, honestly, and he’d found himself relaxed and then - staring out of a window in London instead. Luke had confirmed he was back in himself, and the relief, God…

He had harboured a low fear he hadn’t given name to - that he might be stuck in Luke, because of how great the distance was and how rarely he swapped.

Being back in himself, feeling his own body again, he’d stretched out his long limbs and moved stiffly from the window. Then they’d all agreed to this in a few hours, and, well, now, here he was. Everyone was back in themselves as the little windows on the Zoom call started to pop up in earnest and he was looking at three concerned but smiling faces. They’d agreed to do this call first, and then he’d be making his way over to Sam’s house, and although he still felt very tired, he knew they were right. He would feel better with some company, some pizza and some games. Just… being friends, rather than working. First of all, though…

“Heyyyy.” Luke grinned, and he mimicked, and they all greeted one another. Luke, apparently determined not to let anything fester, sat back in his chair slightly. “So, let’s, uh, let’s kick this all off. Tom relapsed.”
“Yeah.” he mumbled, shoulders drooping. “I did, yeah.”
“So we know that a significant enough emotional spike can pull me over from Spain.” Luke continued, frowning, “Which is interesting, because I didn’t think the link was that strong, but… here we are.”
“I don’t know why my brain pulled you in.” Tom admitted, shaking his head.
“We don’t know if that’s how it works.” AJ said, “It might be that Luke pulled himself into you, feeling the distress.”
“I don’t know,” Sam frowned, “That doesn’t seem… I think it’s more likely it’s our minds trying to get out than anything else? Trying to protect themselves or something…”
“God only knows.” Tom sighed, “But I’m fine. Honestly, I am. No urges or anything, it was just - in the moment, I got overwhelmed, and I wanted to ground myself. After the panic attack, and, God, I am so sorry you all got to experience that -”

“It’s fine, Tom.” AJ said, and his voice was very gentle, “I mean, it was almost a good thing. Getting to experience it. No, don’t make that face at me. I obviously started calming down quite quickly but when I was pulled into you, I felt it. All the pain, and the panic, and God, it’s overwhelming, right?” he said, shaking his head slowly. “I never really got it. I mean, I knew it - I knew it would be bad. I’ve seen you in that state. I didn’t realise how much it hurt.” 

“Have you never had a panic attack before?” Tom asked, slowly. He hadn’t thought there was anyone in the world who got to their mid thirties without one, but AJ shook his head slightly.
“Not like that, at least. I mean, I’ve gotten panicky and I’ve had some stage fright and stuff, but not… like you can’t breathe.”
“The anxiety makes it hard to…” he gestured vaguely at his chest. “Yeah. It does… it does hurt. The physical symptoms are very real, it’s not just… in your head.”
“Never thought it was.” AJ said, quickly, “But hearing about them and feeling them is different.”
“You’ve really never had a panic attack?” Luke asked, brows raising. “Even I have. Back at uni near our final exams and I nearly lost my mind over my dissertation.”
“I remember that.” Sam said, blowing out a cloud of vape. “I had no idea what to do or how to help, back then. Better at it now.” his eyes flickered over the screen and Tom knew he was looking at him, remembering how often they’d had to calm him down from them. Part of the ADHD, like Luke had said. Made regulating hard in so many ways. 

“So the relapse?” Sam prompted, voice gentle..
“Ah, yeah.” Tom grimaced. “I got it into my head that, I mean, well, obviously I was the reason everyone’s getting thrown into each other’s heads, right? We - there’s no point disputing that, we all know it was because of the panic attack. And the only - the only way I know - the only thing that always breaks me out of it -”
“Is harming.” Luke finished, voice very soft. Tom nodded, closing his eyes and taking a slow breath.
“I’m not proud of that. I know it’s not a - good coping mechanism. But that’s what it is, it’s just - just, um -”
“Maladaptive?” Luke suggestion. 
“That’s the word.” Tom nodded. “So I’m trying not to go to it as my first response but it is… it’s hard not to. It feels like the easy way out.”

There was a long pause, the others clearly thinking over what he’d said.
“Do we need to be worried about this?” Sam asked, after a few moments.
“No! No, no, it’s - honestly, I swear to God, it was a one off.” Tom held up his hands in surrender. “Just a few lines, barely anything, barely even bled, just - and it didn’t work.” he added.
“It very much did not work.” Luke agreed, quietly. “So we know it’s no good against the swaps.”
“Mmhm.” Tom nodded, worrying at his lip with his teeth, fingers fidgeting on the table and very much not enjoying being in the hot seat. Acting on a stage felt like the easiest thing in the world, especially compared to - this.

“Alright.” Sam sighed. “So, this isn’t a work call. That’s the rule, tonight. But, just uh - tomorrow, Tom, we’re going to come to yours. This isn’t an argument, you don’t get a say. Sorry.” he cut off the objection. “AJ’s going to bring his laptop and we are going to help you. You can show us your system, whatever you need to do, but you’re not doing the work just by yourself. We’re a team, okay?”
“Sorry I can’t be there.” Luke said, softly.
“Don’t worry,” AJ said, bright, “I’ll just give Tom a crisis and then you can come visit!”
“But the point is to help Tom with the work, what use is that if he’s in Spain?”
“Ah, shit, didn’t think of that.” AJ sighed, and then suddenly he was laughing, and Tom couldn’t help but join in, feeling a considerable lightness in his limbs as the sound burst from his chest.

“Right,” Sam said, business again, “Text me your pizza orders, and I’ll see you in an hour.” and then his call disconnected. AJ waved goodbye and went too, and then it was just him and Luke.

“You feeling okay?” he asked, softly, brows drawing in. Tom nodded, tiredly.
“Doing a lot better now.” he said. “That… helped. I am really tired though.” he sighed softly. “Definitely going to have to try to avoid the 4am swaps…”
“Maybe when you’re feeling a bit better the insomnia will ease off a bit?”
“How did you -”
“It’s pretty clear, Tom. It’s okay. Not your fault.” Luke shook his head. “I’m sorry I can’t actually be there, you know.”
“I don’t need you to take care of me.”
“But I want to.” Luke pointed out. “And, uh… I saw the top shelf of the cabinet.”
“You - what?”
“Never seen up there before when I’ve been staying, y’know, above my eye level. Above Pip’s, I’m assuming?” his heart was thumping against his ribs now. He swallowed, mouth dry. “When did you start stockpiling again, Tom?”

“I - uh.” he swallowed hard against the rubbery coating in the back of his throat. “I’m not -”
“C’mon, man. You just told us we don’t have to worry about you.”
“You don’t! You don’t, it’s not - I’m not stockpiling, it’s just extra storage -”
“I’ve known you long enough, Tom. Please just - don’t lie to me right now. I swear to God, I’m not going to tell anyone else, but I need to know.”
“... about a year, I guess? I just - started buying them every time I went to the shop and - putting them up there. I wasn’t - I’m not going to use them. I swear to you, Luke, I’m not suicidal right now. I’m not.”
“I believe you.” Luke whispered. “I do. Just - be careful. Okay?”
“I will. I promise.” he responded, and then Luke nodded and logged off. Leaving the lobby himself, Tom stood slowly, walking into the kitchen. He opened the mug cabinet, looking at the narrow shelf above it; too high to be useful to anyone but him. And there, the neatly aligned packets of paracetamol - and a few of codeine, stronger meds tucked towards the back, but he knew they were there. He had no intention of using them. Of course he didn’t. But knowing he had the choice… made him feel just a little bit better.

He took a mug, shut the door firmly, and flipped on the kettle. Cup of tea, then he’d make his way over to Sam’s. He rubbed a thumb over the injuries on his wrist, causing them to sting. Took a deep breath. The hot water burbled and fizzled as it filled the mug, finding comfort in the familiarity. All the motions familiar; milk, sugar, stirring, removing the tea bag. Leaning his hips back against the counter, he took a moment… and then reached out to snag a bin bag from the hook on the side, turning back around and throwing the cupboard door open again. He placed the mug down on the counter, and reached up towards those tempting blue packets.