Archive of Our Own ^beta

A scale sat obnoxiously on his vision, showing numbers indicating the direction he's looking at. A percentage circle showing his power level on the left bottom corner, with his sentimental state listed in numbers. Patterns that show the result of things in his sight being scanned and converted to, again, numbers.

He hated every part of it.

"Are you ready to try again, Zane?"

The voice drew Zane's attention to the only thing on the interface that he was fine with seeing: The beautiful woman with silver hair in a ponytail and eyes vibrant green like emeralds. It was only a digital avatar, of course. But even this version of her was pleasing to see.

"Yes." He said blankly, his voice coming through speakers located in his throat. He stood up from the bunk bed he was sitting on.

The rest of his family was watching a movie in the living room of the Bounty. Zane had left early, claiming he was tired. Letting the others see him while he's doing this—what he knew he needed to do despite not wanting it in the slightest—was completely out of the question. He had been looking for a proper opportunity for a while now.

He stepped forward and looked at the big, circular full-length mirror attached to the wall, which showed the reflection of one of the walls from where he stood. He slowly approached it while staying out of it's range, then took an abrupt step to face the mirror completely.

His eyes fixed on the reflection.

The parts of him that were imitation skin before were now made of titanium. With the top of his gi off, more of the armor-like surface was in the open. His joints had visible gaps where the mechanical parts connecting his limbs were in the open.There were steel tubes on both sides of his abdomen, carrying varies of cables inside them. The claw-like metal pieces that secured his energy source were no longer under the cover of his fake skin, most of his panel and adjustment parts now unprotected. 

His face was seperated from the rest of his head, as it was a panel attached to his titanium skull. His features were far sharper and rough compared to before. His soft and realistic hair was replaced with stiff metal strings that were hard to shape. His eyes were glowing vibrant blue like traffic lights, his irises resembling the lenses of a camera rather than eyes.

He tried breathing. He knew he couldn't; unlike his old body, this one couldn't even intimate breathing by sucking air in and out. He still tried out of habit, hoping it would be helpful.

The expression on the mirror shifted from impassive to uneasy, then quickly to dreadful. His ears rang with beeping sound of alarms. Warnings flashed in his sight, numbers fluctuating rapidly and showing the changes in his status.

Anxiety levels rising

Scanners unresponsive

Internal error

System overheat

Data mismatch

Command override

Limbs unsteady

Command invalid

Zane lurched backwards until he was out of the reflection and he flopped back on the bed. He sat there, mimicking what he remembered breathing was like as he waited for his systems to cool down.

"It's alright Zane, we'll try again later." Pixal said reassuringly.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled between fake breaths.

"You do not need to apologize."

"I'm overreacting." He rested his forehead on his palm, the titanium surface making a clanking sound. "You don't even have a body anymore because of me, I have no right to be worried about myself."

"It's not about having the right to it, Zane. You always help me and others when we need it. So when you're struggling with something, I will do my best to help you as well."

"But looking at my own reflection should not be such a difficult task." He shut his eyes, though Pixal's avatar was still in his sight alongside the rest of the readings.

He was ashamed of himself. Ashamed of being this weak, this unstable. He was supposed to be there for his friends when they needed him. He was supposed to be durable, reliable, intelligent, strong. He wasn't the one to crash out, he was the support when others crashed out. He was the helpful one. He was the logical one. He was Zane, damn it.

"Just tell me what you're currently feeling." Pixal asked.

"It doesn't matter."

"It does." She said it in a stern and warning tone rather than a soothing one. Pixal was always helpful when it came to figuring things out about himself, but she wasn't the most patient person out there.

He frankly didn't mind living with this uneasy feeling that much, but it was affecting his daily life. With the way he couldn't even look at his hand without grimacing, it was a matter of time for his friends to figure out he was struggling. And if they did, they were going to try making it their problem and be bothered by it. And bothering them was the last thing he wanted. He needed to figure this out without them learning. And he knew the only way to do that was by talking it out, so he gave in.

"...I don't- I don't feel like, myself anymore. This body..." He looked down at his exposed chest for a brief second before looking back up, the sight making him uncomfortable. "...it doesn't feel like it's me."

"I thought you'd already made peace with being the Titanium Ninja."

"I have! I... I thought I had... But the more time I spend in this body, the less I feel human." He hugged himself around his stomach, feeling no warmth from the action whatsoever. "My voice sounds like the announcement from a speaker. My eyes are unnaturally blue, and my skin... It's so hard and cold. So distant, so monotone. I can't feel anything."

Zane's father, Dr Julien truly was a genius, he had designed a body so perfect that it was impossible to tell it apart from a human's. The artificial skin as soft as real skin, his body warm like a human's underneath, his eyes a light, natural blue. Even Zane himself didn't know it for a big majority of his life.

The downside of having such an improved body however, was the inexorable feeling of it's absence when it was lost. He had felt disconnected from the world ever since he had first woken up in Chen's Island, but he only truly felt his new reality crush him when he had reunited with Cole.

He had been extremely nervous during his time as a captive, and the sight of his brother really was a big relief for him. Cole had put his arms around Zane's new titanium body, ignoring the clanking sound the hard material made in the contact. Zane didn't know what he was expecting from that hug, but what he got was only the distant feeling of the touch around him. No warmth, no softness, none of the relaxing serenity his family usually gave him. It was dull. It was empty. He was empty.

"Can you feel the love?" Cole had said, his eyes full of excitement and joy. Cole always gave the best hugs. He knew that himself too, and Zane knew he was hoping to make him make him forget the stress he was going through with this embrace. But it had only made him more aware of how different he was from his former self.

Zane had tried his best to hide his sorrow and heartbreak, yet still answered truthfully.

"No."

Later when he was hugged by Nya, or by Master Wu when they reunited, or by all of his friends in a group hug days ago. He never felt anything. There was now an unbreakable barrier between him and his family's sentiment. No, there wasn't a barrier. Only the vessel was missing. He wasn't a real person, he was a program. Without his human-like body to connect him to his friends, it wasn't possible to show affection. Like it was meant to be.

Ever since he had found out he was a nindroid, he had had this constant self-doubt about his humanity. Feeling joy, sadness, anger, fear–loving and caring. These were what made him human. His friends had always assured him of that, and he had tried his best to believe it as well. He believed it didn't matter, that being a nindroid didn't make him any different. But now he was different. The mechanical parts of him that he managed to ignore for years were now out in the open. Every part of his form was covered by this shiny titanium material that was like a stamp that read "NOT HUMAN." The truth he tried avoiding every day was now being shoved into his face every time he looked into the mirror.

He didn't have tastebuds. He had used to enjoy eating and cooking so much, yet now eating felt like a struggle. His eyes no longer produced tears. The readings in his sight never disappeared, even when he closed his eyes. He couldn't even go to sleep normally, and instead he had to shut his body down to recharge and cool down like a computer. How could anyone feel normal while living like this? It was as if he was nothing but a fighting machine. His body didn't have any purpose other than harming things. It was built with the only material he had and then improved with the purpose of breaking out of Chen's Island after all. But still, every aspect of it he can think of was so dehumanizing, it was hard to feel like a person.

"Am I even a person?" He murmured, half aware he said it out loud.

"Not any less than I am." Pixal answered. She did this a lot. Whenever Zane questioned his humanity, she pointed out that she was just like him. Because she knew Zane's illogical doubts only applied to himself, and he didn't see Pixal the way he saw himself. So underlining their similarity made it easier for Zane to see his own double standards.

He had missed Pixal. She talked about her disturbance about not having a body when they were alone as well, and he had really missed having her beside him too. He could use a hug from her right now. He knew it wouldn't mean anything, that this body wouldn't transmit any of his love to her through physical contact. But he still wanted to be able to try.

"Zane, I know your new body limits you in so many ways. You have every right to be frustrated about it. But getting used to it will take time, and it will only be longer if you keep hiding it from your friends."

"Lloyd lost his father days ago, Pixal." He sighed. "And everybody else is mourning too. They went through so much to save me, I cannot demand their attention over this when they all have things to deal with."

Her 3D avatar scowled and crossed her arms. "Maybe you wouldn't feel so inhuman if you did what is normal and healthy to do and ask for help."

Zane froze. He never had thought about it in that way. Did his actions really play a bigger part in his impression on others than his appearance? It made sense, but that didn't make it easier to believe.

"I'll consider it." He got back on his feet. "But not now. Like I said, they went through a lot. They need time."

Pixal sighed. "Very well. Are you ready to try again?"

Zane clenched his fists and took a deep breath. Again, no air entered his body.

"Yes."